Today, a great day..
Yesterday, a day from hell..
The difference 24 hours makes, I cannot describe. It's unreal.
I knew this would be the case. Diann told me. Some days you will feel as if you have the weight of the world and your shoulders and other days you feel on top of the world and full of life. And she was so so right.
I have made a "deal" with my ma. I have to tell her what I will be eating extra between my 2 "food-times" (I'm going to call it this from now on, because they aren't proper meals yet). And yesterday I had to eat a banana. Well, do you think I wanted to eat a banana.. no way.. I wanted to eat an orange..(like the day before). But my ma had to be strict (on Dianns' advice aswell). She insist I eat this banana. I only ate half, threw the rest in the bin and felt awful after eating it.. Not the fact that it wasn't tasty, but there are certain fats in banana's and I just don't like to eat them.. So my head was totally f*cked up because of this banana.
It was 3 o clock in the afternoon when I ate it. I then had to go to the doctor to get a scan done for my heart. But I was pissed off.. I was shitty with my ma, just because she "made" me eat this banana. I had then already decided that I wasn't going to eat my dinner.. I thought, well because of all those calories in the banana, I'm now not eating for the rest of the night. I didn't care.. But after being at the doctors' office, hocked up to this machine (something that I have only ever read about or seen on tv.. a skinny little person, half naked, only flesh and bone, being checked for a healthy heartbeat, because she has been starving herself as much as possible), took it out of me (the machine didn't work in the end, and I have to go back for another scan next week, when they fix it.. typical Irish health system). Then I had to walk home, which was half an hour. Usually this wouldn't be a problem, but I stepped out of the office, turned the corner and already my legs were like jelly. I couldn't believe how tired and exhausted I was.. I usually love to walk, and would use any excuse just to get the exercise and burn calories. But not this time. I felt old, I felt drained, I felt lifeless. Then I started to feel emotional, and sad. Mainly because it is all my own fault. I have made myself feel like this, I have made myself feel so tired and lifeless. I have drained my brain from calories that I'm hardly able to remember what I have done that morning. I have made my legs feel and look like 2 twigs.. I have drained all the life, soul and strength out of my body and I can hardly walk home.. I just wanted to cry. That's how tired and distressed I felt.
I eventually made it home, but every step of the way, I had to think.. just put one step in front of the other.. I can get there..
Came home and then I knew I needed food.. otherwise I was about to faint and I would have ma to answer to.. haha.
But then.. o god, I ate the wrong food. I had a toasted sandwich with chicken and cheese.. and lots and lots of spices.. but then I had the tiniest piece of sponge cake with some cheese (the strangest combination, I know..), and that made me feel full and sick for the rest of the night. Now I'm not sure if that was all in my head or not.. but I was so sorry I ate it, and my stomach was hurting for most of the day too, which didn't help.
All this.. just because I ate half a banana.. I said to ma: "Never again am I eating a banana..". Ma said I had a good day, but for me it was sh*t.. why was it such a good day if I was feeling so unhealthy and fat? To me, it's a mystery..
Today on the other hand.. I had to take a whole different approach to it all. My first food-time, was delicious (yogurt with nuts and seeds.. my favorite) and then I was allowed to have an orange.. Thank god!! I will enjoy this, and I did.. But I needed it. I was shopping and I felt like an 80 year-old woman (not that I could know precisely how a woman of that age feels like..but after yesterday and today, I can kind of imagine how..). Again I was lifeless, I had no energy, walking up the stairs (Oh god.. I can't.. but of course, I push myself and then I can), getting out of the car, getting up from the table, walking to the loo.. Oh god.. so much effort..
So I really felt today that my body needed an energy boost (this will probably be it now, for the next few days.. see how far I can push myself). So an orange at 3 o clock and then I got cooking for Eileen and Sean (my brother and sister), noodles with chicken and veggies.. and I scraped the plate! It was gorgeous.. I ate it without feelings of guilt or disgust. No problems. This is probably because I cooked it myself and knew exactly what was in it (no oil.. no butter.. no fat.. the tiniest bit of sauce..). But I ate it and, once my stomach stopped being sore, I felt the energy and I was active and feeling fit and strong. My legs weren't jelly and my head wasn't fuzzy.. This is only 2 hours ago.
I feel, at this moment, that I have had a new lease of life. And what I was feeling yesterday, is like a totally different world.. It's like that wasn't even me. Which is so strange.
And feeling so strong at the moment, I want to live again, I know I can do this and I don't know why I put myself through what I put myself through yesterday.. I then start to think: it could all be so easy, I could be living and feeling like this all the time, if I ate enough all the time..
When feeling positive, like I do now, I need to take as much energy and thoughts from this as I can, because I don't know how long it will last before I stumble onto a bad day..
Diann really was right, the difference between a good day and a bad day.. is so huge, that words can't describe..
Friday, July 11, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A typical day in the life of me
I woke up this morning, feeling nice and empty.. What a glorious feeling that was, even though I had a nutritious meal last night, at 18:30.. a salmon fillet, with some vegetables. Then the battle begun straight away..
First of all, going to the bathroom. The weighing scales. Will I stand on it or not? No, I didn't. Usually I would have to fight off the urge to stand on that piece of sh*t.. (excuse my language). But today, because I was feeling so empty and pleased, I didn't want to burst my bubble, if the scales told me I had put on a some weight.
Then, to the kitchen. This is where the real fight begins.. It was 11:15, I hadn't eaten for 16.5 hours, but if I were to eat, then I would loose this glorious feeling of emptiness.. But at the same time, I had no energy what so ever. I sat at the kitchen table, and knew if I didn't eat, that walking up the stairs, having a shower or doing my yoga, would not be an option. But how long was I to wait before having my food? If I were to wait a while, I would enjoy it more but then I might not be able to control the amount I eat, because of the power of my mind telling me that I need this food.. So I was drawn between two powerful thoughts.. eat and loose this feeling that I love..emptiness and trade this feeling for energy. Or wait as long as possible to keep this feeling I love so much inside of me with the risk that, once I do eat, I will overeat and then try to starve myself for the rest of the day??
Well, what did I choose? I chose to eat. At 11:45. A bowl of yogurt with some nuts and seeds. Good foods, that are healthy. It took me an hour to eat. But that's fine. I take so long, to enjoy it as much as possible and because my stomach takes a while to take in the food. As long as I'm alone and eating it, I think I'm doing well, and I enjoy every little bite. Along with this yogurt I do need to drink at least 1,5 liters of green tea.. This is a habit.. As much fluid as I can take.. (It also contains vitamins and minerals, so the tea does me good at the same time).
Then, I can feel my body taking charge again. It is taking a short while to produce the energy that I need, because the stomach muscle isn't working the way it should do, so the yogurt will sit in my belly for longer (and my body knows that it will need to live on this amount for a while, until i have another "meal"). But once I have digested it, my belly swells up, but I can walk up the stairs, have shower, do things around the house, and go for a walk. That's when I come alive and feel good again.
So why, I hear you think, if this food makes me feel good, do I have so much trouble in bringing myself to eating it? Well, I'm afraid I cannot answer that. If I knew the answer to this question, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now.
I told ma last night, that I will be eating an orange again, in between my two eating moments. So it's now 15:00, I haven't done anything active today, to work off the yogurt, so I need to go for a walk, to work up my appetite to eat the orange and later on some dinner.
As long as I keep active, I'm feeling fine about eating small amounts. I'm better off eating small amounts than nothing at all.
On a day like this one, I get tired just thinking about tomorrow. The same thing, all over again.. For you, reading this, you must think I'm crazy. For me, it's daily life..
First of all, going to the bathroom. The weighing scales. Will I stand on it or not? No, I didn't. Usually I would have to fight off the urge to stand on that piece of sh*t.. (excuse my language). But today, because I was feeling so empty and pleased, I didn't want to burst my bubble, if the scales told me I had put on a some weight.
Then, to the kitchen. This is where the real fight begins.. It was 11:15, I hadn't eaten for 16.5 hours, but if I were to eat, then I would loose this glorious feeling of emptiness.. But at the same time, I had no energy what so ever. I sat at the kitchen table, and knew if I didn't eat, that walking up the stairs, having a shower or doing my yoga, would not be an option. But how long was I to wait before having my food? If I were to wait a while, I would enjoy it more but then I might not be able to control the amount I eat, because of the power of my mind telling me that I need this food.. So I was drawn between two powerful thoughts.. eat and loose this feeling that I love..emptiness and trade this feeling for energy. Or wait as long as possible to keep this feeling I love so much inside of me with the risk that, once I do eat, I will overeat and then try to starve myself for the rest of the day??
Well, what did I choose? I chose to eat. At 11:45. A bowl of yogurt with some nuts and seeds. Good foods, that are healthy. It took me an hour to eat. But that's fine. I take so long, to enjoy it as much as possible and because my stomach takes a while to take in the food. As long as I'm alone and eating it, I think I'm doing well, and I enjoy every little bite. Along with this yogurt I do need to drink at least 1,5 liters of green tea.. This is a habit.. As much fluid as I can take.. (It also contains vitamins and minerals, so the tea does me good at the same time).
Then, I can feel my body taking charge again. It is taking a short while to produce the energy that I need, because the stomach muscle isn't working the way it should do, so the yogurt will sit in my belly for longer (and my body knows that it will need to live on this amount for a while, until i have another "meal"). But once I have digested it, my belly swells up, but I can walk up the stairs, have shower, do things around the house, and go for a walk. That's when I come alive and feel good again.
So why, I hear you think, if this food makes me feel good, do I have so much trouble in bringing myself to eating it? Well, I'm afraid I cannot answer that. If I knew the answer to this question, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now.
I told ma last night, that I will be eating an orange again, in between my two eating moments. So it's now 15:00, I haven't done anything active today, to work off the yogurt, so I need to go for a walk, to work up my appetite to eat the orange and later on some dinner.
As long as I keep active, I'm feeling fine about eating small amounts. I'm better off eating small amounts than nothing at all.
On a day like this one, I get tired just thinking about tomorrow. The same thing, all over again.. For you, reading this, you must think I'm crazy. For me, it's daily life..
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Therapist, Diann, awaits..
My first appointment, with the therapist. It was last night, the 7th of July..
It was so great that I got this appointment, because things in Ireland with the health system are pretty bad. The waiting list to see a specialist in the hospital in Dublin, just to talk, is 6 weeks. I have an appointment there on the 15th of August. But in the meantime I am so lucky that I got this appointment because last week my mother bumped onto their website (they are specialized in dealing with people with eating disorders). She sent them an email, and within a day the appointment was made. It was in Wexford, 1 hour drive from Arklow.
The name of the therapist is Diann. She was so great. I was nervous and scared, not knowing what to expect. From the moment we walked in, she was so open about everything. We were there for an hour and a half. Talking and talking. The main issue was that she was making me see that I am ill and that I do have a problem. Because at the moment, I think that's my biggest problem. I keep telling myself "there's nothing wrong with me, I feel fine". This is because I do feel fine and I don't see the problem.. It's so hard to see, especially when you do everything you did weeks ago.. you live life normally and go about your daily things.
It's extremely frustrating when I think like that, due to the fact that I left so much behind in Holland, to get better.. when you feel fine, you constantly ask yourself.. "what have I done?"..
But I know deep down that there is a problem, and if I didn't, I certainly do now, after speaking with Diann last night.
I have to have a lot of tests done within the next few weeks.. My heart needs to be monitored, blood tests need to be done, fitness tests.. She gave me a list of tests that need to be done.. and there's me thinking.. "there's nothing wrong.. what's the fuss about?". My BMI (Body Mass Index (this is how healthy your weight is, in comparison to your height)is below 15, which means I fall into the category of "severe anorexic".. This did come as a shock to me. But she needed to do this, to make me see that I am ill and that it is life threatening. It was confronting to say the least.
We spoke about how it may all have started.. when did I start losing weight.. It was before I went to Australia, which is 2 years ago. Eating healthy and taking this too far. She said that there have been researches carried out, which prove that being anorexic or having an eating disorder or any kind of "addiction", can be in your genes.. There can be a number of factors combined to trigger the behavior. As most of you know, there are such "addictions" in my family, that combined with my own personality.. (I am a perfectionist and have discipline, can also be a control freak) can lead to this suffering from this illness).
This was something she really wanted me to understand, because at the moment (or until yesterday) I blamed myself.. I felt that this disease (not be compared to an illness, then you have an operation and you recover) is self inflicted. I've done this to myself. I have pushed myself to the limits, sometimes hard sometimes easy, but with determination and a lot of discipline I brought this illness on myself.. And now, I'm being punished. Now I have to deal with the shit. But that's what I deserve. As they say in dutch "Boontje komt om zijn loontje".. She told me that I have to stop thinking like this. Or else I will go on punishing myself even more. She said that I'm at a point now that this could all spiral out of control. I know I have lost more weight in the past 1 month than I have done in the 2 months before. This is also very common she said. For a long time you can control the illness, you feel strong and you are feeling fine until you go too far and then the illness controls you and it gets out of hand and you loose weight without wanting or trying to. I have noticed that the past month it has gotten so much worse.
After hearing this, I know that I am blessed that we have taken action now and that I am getting help now, instead of months down the line. Not only this, she also told me about the health system in Ireland. It is so tragic. In the whole of Ireland there are only 2 hospital beds for people suffering from anorexia. I couldn't believe it. I feel so sorry for all the young girls out there, in Ireland, who need to be taken into hospital and who need to be treated and it just isn't available.. It's so sad.
If I was to get much worse, if the illness was to get out of control, I would have to go to a psychiatric hospital, where the nurses aren't trained and all they do all day is feed you 3000 calories!! At the thoughts of having to go somewhere like that, to treated like a human dustbin, I just cringed..
So, I am going to keep on eating.. I am going to try keep on eating. With the support of my family, at home, I can do this. I'm not planning on letting this disease get the better of me.. No way. She also said that people suffering from this, get better faster in the home environment. It's more effective, which I can understand. So my mother will have to be the one to "monitor" what I eat from day to day. On good days I won't need to be "forced" to eat, and on bad I know I won't want to eat..and that's when she needs to step in, and encourage me. So every week from today we will introduce something new for me to eat on daily basis. I suggested eating a piece of fruit in between the two "meals" I would eat everyday. I will do this for a week and then next week it will be another something extra. But in small portions. And for me to get back to a normal diet will take so so long.. I can't believe it really.
What I would usually eat from day to day, is a yogurt with nuts or muesli and then "dinner".. (if i had my way it would be 2 slices of toast and that would be plenty, but sometimes I would have to force myself to eat something with a bit of goodness). So by the time I get back to being able to eat 3 meals a day with snacks in between, will take forever..well that's what it feels like anyway. Not only mentally (not wanting to eat) but also physically.. My stomach can be so sore when I eat meat or anything that is rich or heavy or even a tiny bit fatty.. (apparently the muscle in my stomach doesn't work anymore, so the food just sits there for hours, I can't digest it and then I get a swollen stomach, which then makes me feel like an elephant again, so I'm not letting myself eat then for as long as possible.. a vicious circle) .
I understand that this all seems so vague.. To me it does aswell.. I want to be able to fully understand where this has all come from and why I am where I am right now. I hope with the help of Diann and my mother that it will start the fall into place. The best thing about the appointment yesterday after I had explained how I feel and act around food, was when Diann said "Niamh, you're not crazy, you're not mad, and you're not alone". I felt, finally, someone recognizes and understands how I feel!
I feel, after the first appointment, that the first step has been made now. It will be a long long road ahead and that scares me to death. But I can do this, with small steps. I will be seeing Diann every week now, and every week we will slowly introduce me to eating an extra bit of food. I hope in time to be able to write exactly why and how food is such an issue.. I have so much in my head at the moment that it's hard to know where to start whenever I start typing. But I have time and I need to give myself time to understand.
I have a mountain to climb, and only with determination will I be able to able to reach the top. The top of the mountain, for me, is to get my health, strength and my happy self back. Or as my mother put, when we were driving back home last night "I just want the Niamh back with the twinkle in her eye"..
It was so great that I got this appointment, because things in Ireland with the health system are pretty bad. The waiting list to see a specialist in the hospital in Dublin, just to talk, is 6 weeks. I have an appointment there on the 15th of August. But in the meantime I am so lucky that I got this appointment because last week my mother bumped onto their website (they are specialized in dealing with people with eating disorders). She sent them an email, and within a day the appointment was made. It was in Wexford, 1 hour drive from Arklow.
The name of the therapist is Diann. She was so great. I was nervous and scared, not knowing what to expect. From the moment we walked in, she was so open about everything. We were there for an hour and a half. Talking and talking. The main issue was that she was making me see that I am ill and that I do have a problem. Because at the moment, I think that's my biggest problem. I keep telling myself "there's nothing wrong with me, I feel fine". This is because I do feel fine and I don't see the problem.. It's so hard to see, especially when you do everything you did weeks ago.. you live life normally and go about your daily things.
It's extremely frustrating when I think like that, due to the fact that I left so much behind in Holland, to get better.. when you feel fine, you constantly ask yourself.. "what have I done?"..
But I know deep down that there is a problem, and if I didn't, I certainly do now, after speaking with Diann last night.
I have to have a lot of tests done within the next few weeks.. My heart needs to be monitored, blood tests need to be done, fitness tests.. She gave me a list of tests that need to be done.. and there's me thinking.. "there's nothing wrong.. what's the fuss about?". My BMI (Body Mass Index (this is how healthy your weight is, in comparison to your height)is below 15, which means I fall into the category of "severe anorexic".. This did come as a shock to me. But she needed to do this, to make me see that I am ill and that it is life threatening. It was confronting to say the least.
We spoke about how it may all have started.. when did I start losing weight.. It was before I went to Australia, which is 2 years ago. Eating healthy and taking this too far. She said that there have been researches carried out, which prove that being anorexic or having an eating disorder or any kind of "addiction", can be in your genes.. There can be a number of factors combined to trigger the behavior. As most of you know, there are such "addictions" in my family, that combined with my own personality.. (I am a perfectionist and have discipline, can also be a control freak) can lead to this suffering from this illness).
This was something she really wanted me to understand, because at the moment (or until yesterday) I blamed myself.. I felt that this disease (not be compared to an illness, then you have an operation and you recover) is self inflicted. I've done this to myself. I have pushed myself to the limits, sometimes hard sometimes easy, but with determination and a lot of discipline I brought this illness on myself.. And now, I'm being punished. Now I have to deal with the shit. But that's what I deserve. As they say in dutch "Boontje komt om zijn loontje".. She told me that I have to stop thinking like this. Or else I will go on punishing myself even more. She said that I'm at a point now that this could all spiral out of control. I know I have lost more weight in the past 1 month than I have done in the 2 months before. This is also very common she said. For a long time you can control the illness, you feel strong and you are feeling fine until you go too far and then the illness controls you and it gets out of hand and you loose weight without wanting or trying to. I have noticed that the past month it has gotten so much worse.
After hearing this, I know that I am blessed that we have taken action now and that I am getting help now, instead of months down the line. Not only this, she also told me about the health system in Ireland. It is so tragic. In the whole of Ireland there are only 2 hospital beds for people suffering from anorexia. I couldn't believe it. I feel so sorry for all the young girls out there, in Ireland, who need to be taken into hospital and who need to be treated and it just isn't available.. It's so sad.
If I was to get much worse, if the illness was to get out of control, I would have to go to a psychiatric hospital, where the nurses aren't trained and all they do all day is feed you 3000 calories!! At the thoughts of having to go somewhere like that, to treated like a human dustbin, I just cringed..
So, I am going to keep on eating.. I am going to try keep on eating. With the support of my family, at home, I can do this. I'm not planning on letting this disease get the better of me.. No way. She also said that people suffering from this, get better faster in the home environment. It's more effective, which I can understand. So my mother will have to be the one to "monitor" what I eat from day to day. On good days I won't need to be "forced" to eat, and on bad I know I won't want to eat..and that's when she needs to step in, and encourage me. So every week from today we will introduce something new for me to eat on daily basis. I suggested eating a piece of fruit in between the two "meals" I would eat everyday. I will do this for a week and then next week it will be another something extra. But in small portions. And for me to get back to a normal diet will take so so long.. I can't believe it really.
What I would usually eat from day to day, is a yogurt with nuts or muesli and then "dinner".. (if i had my way it would be 2 slices of toast and that would be plenty, but sometimes I would have to force myself to eat something with a bit of goodness). So by the time I get back to being able to eat 3 meals a day with snacks in between, will take forever..well that's what it feels like anyway. Not only mentally (not wanting to eat) but also physically.. My stomach can be so sore when I eat meat or anything that is rich or heavy or even a tiny bit fatty.. (apparently the muscle in my stomach doesn't work anymore, so the food just sits there for hours, I can't digest it and then I get a swollen stomach, which then makes me feel like an elephant again, so I'm not letting myself eat then for as long as possible.. a vicious circle) .
I understand that this all seems so vague.. To me it does aswell.. I want to be able to fully understand where this has all come from and why I am where I am right now. I hope with the help of Diann and my mother that it will start the fall into place. The best thing about the appointment yesterday after I had explained how I feel and act around food, was when Diann said "Niamh, you're not crazy, you're not mad, and you're not alone". I felt, finally, someone recognizes and understands how I feel!
I feel, after the first appointment, that the first step has been made now. It will be a long long road ahead and that scares me to death. But I can do this, with small steps. I will be seeing Diann every week now, and every week we will slowly introduce me to eating an extra bit of food. I hope in time to be able to write exactly why and how food is such an issue.. I have so much in my head at the moment that it's hard to know where to start whenever I start typing. But I have time and I need to give myself time to understand.
I have a mountain to climb, and only with determination will I be able to able to reach the top. The top of the mountain, for me, is to get my health, strength and my happy self back. Or as my mother put, when we were driving back home last night "I just want the Niamh back with the twinkle in her eye"..
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