My time in Ireland seems to be done
10 months later and it's time to have some fun
Who would have known that the end was so near
It came so soon and for that I can only cheer
As suddenly as this journey started, it has also ended
My heart and soul are strong and definitely mended
I breathe the relief, which is the start of what I'm feeling
As I'm blessed for having seen the power of self-healing
A strength I never new was within me, so strong
The power came from somewhere and guided me all along
That power was me, this person as she sits right here
My own work and determination to never avoid that fear
The fear of what had past and of what was to come
And the grief for not being weak and not wanting to run
A word only has meaning when it's experienced to the full
And the word "strength" now reveals it's potential and it brightens the dull
Who wants to constantly feel more grief, anger and pain?
Only those who choose to use it, whilst playing this game
It eventually makes those forgotten cells feel so alive
Always looking, searching and feeling that need to thrive
Because as I am a thriver and not a survivor, at heart
As those who choose to only survive, linger from the start
The difference being that surviving is only barely living
And thriving is being that potential to heal and then start giving
I can now be so certain that living is for me
And that love has made me open my heart and feel free
A love so unconditional as my heart beats for everyone
It also beats for me, as I've learned my life isn't done
Who would have thought that I'd get to see this day
As I sit here, one last time, on my blog and pray
Pray to myself for my strength, wisdom and love
And pray that the universe will support me from above
A journey to heaven after a journey to hell
I wouldn't have missed it, as I now know so well
Amazing emotions have revealed amazing depth
That all came to me, a I stopped and I slept
A short summary of the things I've come to learn
As I've worked so extremely hard, this is what I earn
The list is so short is comparisson to it all
But I need to vent this, this is my final call
I've learned to love myself and be as I am
I've learned to heal the soul and always give a damn
I've learned to reach and never stop wanting to be free
I've learned to look beyond what the eye can see
I've learned to feel who I am, in every fibre that's there
I've learned to face facts and to never truly scare
I've learned to cry all those tears that are mine
I've learned to polish my diamond and always let it shine
Look up at the sky and see that star
Jump up and be it, is an achievement by far
Reach out and touch them all, as it is your right
Open your arms and hug them; it's the end of the fight
So spread your wings now and join those skies
See there are no more limits, as beyond is where it lies
Where it will lead, only the universe can know
But one certainty remains, that this star is ready to go..
One more tear that is shed here today
Just one more, for the joy of forever being Fay xxx
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My Ma
It's Wednesday morning. I can't quite believe that tomorrow is the day. I'm flying to Oz. Finally it seems to be happening. There's not that much left for me to do now, except right here, right now. On my blog, I need to stop for a minute to say a few words for someone in particular who has, just like Diann, played a leading role in my life and throughout this adventure, and it probably goes without saying that I'm referring to my Ma.
On Monday when we were with Diann talking about how we came to meet her, and how Ma acted when it first came to light that I was ill, I realized even more, how difficult it was for her. Because as she spoke, she was speaking as if she was alone in the world, with this ill child of hers, with nowhere to go and no one to help her. There was little places of refuge out there and Ma was having to cope with all of it, pretty much all by herself. How scary that must have been, I can only begin to imagine but will never fully comprehend. Being so alone, fighting for the health of your daughter, with no certainty as to how or when the treatment would take place and no idea that if we were to luckily get treatment, if it would actually work. How much of the unknown and how much worries can one single person endure, in such a short space of time.. I do not know. Ma couldn't really share this with anybody. Yes, she could speak to others, but she couldn't properly lean on anybody else. She needed to be pulled through my illness, just like I needed to be pulled. Maybe not as much me, but still to a certain degree. And there was really nobody there, just herself.
The burden of an illness that took over her life, her household, her mind and her body, was brought upon her so suddenly, so intensely and so vividly. Others told her, the treatment I was finally getting from Diann, wasn't working. It wasn't enough. I was still a mess, I was still on the verge of falling down. Ma told us on Monday, that she didn't listen to such advice that came from others. She listened to what felt right, and that was the road we chose. Or the road Ma chose.. She said she was the only one who knew me through and through. And she therefore knew that somewhere underneath the skinny exterior was the strong and determined young girl, who once upon a time sat for hours as a toddler with so much determination, whilst trying to fasten the buckle on her sandles. Ma knew that I was still in there and that I'd be able to get through this, without the hospital.
She has proven to have known what was best and isn't that what they.. "Mother always knows best"? I suppose it is. When it comes to my Ma, it's true. Even though for years we weren't around each other on a daily basis, she still knew me so well. It didn't matter that I'd had been across the world and had created my dreams, which I was trying so hard to pursue..that didn't change who I always was. It didn't matter that for months I avoided being around her too much when I lived back in Holland, for fear of confrontation about my weight. None of that was an issue. All that mattered was that Ma knew what to do, because she knew the real me and had faith.
Ma acted so bravely, so efficiently, so courageously and so wisely. She was never angry at me for having put this illness upon her or for disrupting her life, as I did. She never resented my darkness, she never shyed away from my gloomiest hours. She never seemed to fear anything and was understanding beyond belief. She never showed frustration or weakness. Because of her strength and because of her past. Without having been through some of the stuff life has thrown at her, this illness could have forced us to grow apart, it might not have been as effective as it has turned out to be and the journey could have been made 10 times harder than it already was.
I admire her for everything she has done, not only over the past year, but always. Diann has said it before too.. She has admiration for how open minded, involved, understanding and strong she has been throughout the anorexia. It's such a complex illness and can seem so unnecessary to some people. There aren't a lot people who can even begin to understand the ins and outs of it. But Ma did. She tried her best and never let it get her down. She was never defeated, even when I felt I was and therefore felt that she should also feel the same. Ma told us that there were days when she thought we'd never get through it and sometimes wondered if this illness would ever let us out of its tight tight grip. But even with such doubts, Ma never gave up hope that I would come out a winner. She believed in me every step of the way, and stood by me and supported me in exactly the right way, at the right times. Her coming to the sessions week in week out, is something that is unique, according to Diann. It doesn't happen very often and the psychological support that comes from that, is huge. It was the support that I needed, and I got it.
Me and Ma were always pretty close to begin with. Having come through Anna together, has brought us closer. Right now, I'm at the stage where I need my own space. Ma knows, respects and understands that. So I don't have to feel bad for wanting and needing to branch out and leave this behind. It's like with Diann, I'm not leaving anything behind, but I'm taking so much with me that sad feelings, for being apart, shouldn't be overbearing. It's healthy, as those who we consider to be our world, are in our hearts and we want them close and safe in our surroundings. But life doesn't always work out like that.
I used to feel that stepping away from this period in my life, was like a sin. I felt like I only took and took and took from Ma, and that I wasn't giving anything in return, but just an extra person to miss, once I'd be on my way again. I think and I hope, or actually I know, that I've made peace with that guilt. I can try to understand a mothers' love as much as possible and therefore see that nothing is ever too much. Receiving help and health from a mother, isn't being greedy, needy or selfish. In life, if we cannot turn to the ones who love us most in the world, then who can we turn to? As I was not loving of myself, but needed to feel loved by others, just to get my health back and then learn to love myself again, Ma offered me her guidance in that process. After everything, I can say that I do now love myself unconditionally. I have a closeness to myself and a closeness to others, that I never felt before. This is what has given me my life again and this, in so many ways, I owe to Ma. I've read before that everyone owes their life to their mother. But for me, it's so much more. I owe this second chance I've been given, to her strength and her love. She gave birth to me once and yet has also been the reason for this newness that I feel, that lives and breathes inside of me today.
As I said about Diann, the same goes for Ma: words will always sell my feelings short. Maybe just keeping myself happy and healthy will be repayment enough. Such simplicity but yet so precious. Tomorrow I'm not leaving Ma behind, she's with me always. For keepsake. Today, more so than ever before.
On Monday when we were with Diann talking about how we came to meet her, and how Ma acted when it first came to light that I was ill, I realized even more, how difficult it was for her. Because as she spoke, she was speaking as if she was alone in the world, with this ill child of hers, with nowhere to go and no one to help her. There was little places of refuge out there and Ma was having to cope with all of it, pretty much all by herself. How scary that must have been, I can only begin to imagine but will never fully comprehend. Being so alone, fighting for the health of your daughter, with no certainty as to how or when the treatment would take place and no idea that if we were to luckily get treatment, if it would actually work. How much of the unknown and how much worries can one single person endure, in such a short space of time.. I do not know. Ma couldn't really share this with anybody. Yes, she could speak to others, but she couldn't properly lean on anybody else. She needed to be pulled through my illness, just like I needed to be pulled. Maybe not as much me, but still to a certain degree. And there was really nobody there, just herself.
The burden of an illness that took over her life, her household, her mind and her body, was brought upon her so suddenly, so intensely and so vividly. Others told her, the treatment I was finally getting from Diann, wasn't working. It wasn't enough. I was still a mess, I was still on the verge of falling down. Ma told us on Monday, that she didn't listen to such advice that came from others. She listened to what felt right, and that was the road we chose. Or the road Ma chose.. She said she was the only one who knew me through and through. And she therefore knew that somewhere underneath the skinny exterior was the strong and determined young girl, who once upon a time sat for hours as a toddler with so much determination, whilst trying to fasten the buckle on her sandles. Ma knew that I was still in there and that I'd be able to get through this, without the hospital.
She has proven to have known what was best and isn't that what they.. "Mother always knows best"? I suppose it is. When it comes to my Ma, it's true. Even though for years we weren't around each other on a daily basis, she still knew me so well. It didn't matter that I'd had been across the world and had created my dreams, which I was trying so hard to pursue..that didn't change who I always was. It didn't matter that for months I avoided being around her too much when I lived back in Holland, for fear of confrontation about my weight. None of that was an issue. All that mattered was that Ma knew what to do, because she knew the real me and had faith.
Ma acted so bravely, so efficiently, so courageously and so wisely. She was never angry at me for having put this illness upon her or for disrupting her life, as I did. She never resented my darkness, she never shyed away from my gloomiest hours. She never seemed to fear anything and was understanding beyond belief. She never showed frustration or weakness. Because of her strength and because of her past. Without having been through some of the stuff life has thrown at her, this illness could have forced us to grow apart, it might not have been as effective as it has turned out to be and the journey could have been made 10 times harder than it already was.
I admire her for everything she has done, not only over the past year, but always. Diann has said it before too.. She has admiration for how open minded, involved, understanding and strong she has been throughout the anorexia. It's such a complex illness and can seem so unnecessary to some people. There aren't a lot people who can even begin to understand the ins and outs of it. But Ma did. She tried her best and never let it get her down. She was never defeated, even when I felt I was and therefore felt that she should also feel the same. Ma told us that there were days when she thought we'd never get through it and sometimes wondered if this illness would ever let us out of its tight tight grip. But even with such doubts, Ma never gave up hope that I would come out a winner. She believed in me every step of the way, and stood by me and supported me in exactly the right way, at the right times. Her coming to the sessions week in week out, is something that is unique, according to Diann. It doesn't happen very often and the psychological support that comes from that, is huge. It was the support that I needed, and I got it.
Me and Ma were always pretty close to begin with. Having come through Anna together, has brought us closer. Right now, I'm at the stage where I need my own space. Ma knows, respects and understands that. So I don't have to feel bad for wanting and needing to branch out and leave this behind. It's like with Diann, I'm not leaving anything behind, but I'm taking so much with me that sad feelings, for being apart, shouldn't be overbearing. It's healthy, as those who we consider to be our world, are in our hearts and we want them close and safe in our surroundings. But life doesn't always work out like that.
I used to feel that stepping away from this period in my life, was like a sin. I felt like I only took and took and took from Ma, and that I wasn't giving anything in return, but just an extra person to miss, once I'd be on my way again. I think and I hope, or actually I know, that I've made peace with that guilt. I can try to understand a mothers' love as much as possible and therefore see that nothing is ever too much. Receiving help and health from a mother, isn't being greedy, needy or selfish. In life, if we cannot turn to the ones who love us most in the world, then who can we turn to? As I was not loving of myself, but needed to feel loved by others, just to get my health back and then learn to love myself again, Ma offered me her guidance in that process. After everything, I can say that I do now love myself unconditionally. I have a closeness to myself and a closeness to others, that I never felt before. This is what has given me my life again and this, in so many ways, I owe to Ma. I've read before that everyone owes their life to their mother. But for me, it's so much more. I owe this second chance I've been given, to her strength and her love. She gave birth to me once and yet has also been the reason for this newness that I feel, that lives and breathes inside of me today.
As I said about Diann, the same goes for Ma: words will always sell my feelings short. Maybe just keeping myself happy and healthy will be repayment enough. Such simplicity but yet so precious. Tomorrow I'm not leaving Ma behind, she's with me always. For keepsake. Today, more so than ever before.
One last session - 3
Back in May, when I was still in Holland, I went to a tarrot card reader. She told me things about my life, that were so true, things that she simply couldn't have known. I therefore knew she was an accurate card-reader. She told me that there would be somebody that was going to come onto my path, and become very special to me. This someone was going to guide me and we would create a bond. This person would be my world for the at least 6 months of my life, but it would nevertheless be a lasting bond. This tarrot-card reader, never said if it this special person was male or female. I was so excited to know who this new person was going to be. Now I can see though that this special someone was Diann. She was the person I was told about. It gives me goosebumps and makes me shiver, to know that me and Diann were destined to meet. Through the circumstances and conditions we met, was even more unique.
Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.
There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.
The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".
Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..
This was my letter to her..
Dearest Diann,
As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.
With love always,
Niamh
Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.
There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.
The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".
Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..
This was my letter to her..
Dearest Diann,
As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.
With love always,
Niamh
One last session - 3
Back in May, when I was still in Holland, I went to a tarrot card reader. She told me things about my life, that were so true, things that she simply couldn't have known. I therefore knew she was an accurate card-reader. She told me that there would be somebody that was going to come onto my path, and become very special to me. This someone was going to guide me and we would create a bond. This person would be my world for the at least 6 months of my life, but it would nevertheless be a lasting bond. This tarrot-card reader, never said if it this special person was male or female. I was so excited to know who this new person was going to be. Now I can see though that this special someone was Diann. She was the person I was told about. It gives me goosebumps and makes me shiver, to know that me and Diann were destined to meet. Through the circumstances and conditions we met, was even more unique.
Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.
There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.
The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".
Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..
This was my letter to her..
Dearest Diann,
As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.
With love always,
Niamh
Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.
There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.
The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".
Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..
This was my letter to her..
Dearest Diann,
As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.
With love always,
Niamh
One last session - 2
Never in a million years would I have thought that seeing Diann one last time, would make me feel even stronger than I already was feeling. To sit there, and to almost "evaluate" my recovery and for it not to effect me, was liberating. The way it effected me, was in a good way. A way that opened my eyes a little more, a way that made me see just how strong I am, a way that reassured me that my next step will be like walking on air, after what the past year has thrown at me. I was overwhelmed to not be in recovery anymore. At one stage the 3 of us, choked -up. For Ma and Diann, it must have been joy. For me it was for closing this chapter of my life, and getting on with different things. Talking about it again like we did yesterday, makes it hit home once again that I did once have anorexia. I was that bag of bones that walked in to Diann back in July and I was that lost soul that cried more than a million tears, week after week.
I always wanted her to take away my fears, doubts and my tears. I wanted her to answer my questions and never to question my own answers. Every Monday I needed for her to solve just about every little detail that I would be faced with, throughout the 6 days of not having contact with her. She did all of this and so much more. I couldn't possibly sum up what she has done for me, the list is endless, as is my gratitude, my respect and my admiration for her.
I'll never forget the first time I walked in to see her. I was so "everywhere but in Wexford" and I didn't even introduce myself properly. I didn't shake her hand, I didn't say what my name was. I came in, sat down on the chair in front of her and let everything happen around me. I don't remember a lot, but I'll never forget the fact that I didn't shake this amazing womans' hand. I know I wasn't well, but you would think that, unless being unconscious, nobody would ever be too ill to simply have some manners. Another thing that stuck in my mind, was how great she looked. I didn't believe back then that she had been anorexic once upon a time. I always thought that once someone has such an illness, it will always be visible. But I couldn't see that when I looked at her. I wondered how she was able to deal with somebody with an eating disorder.. I was amazed that there were actually such people who specialized in knowing an anorexic when they would see one. But she did. The second week we went to see her, I remember her saying that I was exactly where I needed to be, in regards to getting treatment and that if I wasn't ill, then she would have told me. So she could see.. But I couldn't. Would I ever be able to look at others, or myself and know if that certain person had anorexia? I never thought I would be capable of achieving such a state of mind. But, as I sit here, I've achieved it. I see now, what she saw back then. And as overwhelming and confronting as it may be, it's a miracle in the sense that strength never really leaves us, when it comes to surviving.
I was curious as to how she saw me, when I walked in, all those months ago.. I don't want to be compared to others, but I simply wanted to know what her thoughts were. Yesterday this led to a whole "evaluation" of my reocvery. She said that she was more worried about my physical state, than she usually would be. She never has a lot of girls who she would worry about, when it comes to the physical state of being; because she isn't a doctor afterall, but a therapist. When it came to me, this however did become more worrying for her, mainly due to my heart being weak. But as soon as I started the supplements, I started to get stronger and I started to know what to do in order to get better and how to get as much out of this journey as possible. I wanted to recover with "efficiency" (if that's possible). It had to be done the right way. I didn't want to fail and so I got on with it. In that sense she said I was different from her other clients. I wasn't a bullsh*tter. I wasn't shying away from anything and I wanted to get it over and done with. For that to have gotten me where I am right now, was also because we never focussed on my weight. We focussed on my emotions, my head, my being. Numbers weren't made into something that controlled my food-intake, or lack of. That helped so much. All these ingredients were all the right ones, which made this one hell of a journey. But it was exactly what I needed.
Next to Ma, Diann turned out to be my all. An outsider, who was able to look in and see my life as it used to be and as it was being experienced in that very moment, just by the mumbo-jumbo that was flowing from my mouth. And I can tell you now, with 100% certainty, it was an enormous amount that I would throw at her. It never stopped, and an hour a week was always too short. But she never told me it was too much. She listened and listened and listened some more. She saw my illness through both Ma's and my own eyes and that's what made her seem to know everything. My world was so small, she was it, as was Anna and therefore she did actually know everything. Because back then, my everything was these 2 people. Anna and Diann. They were both so willing to guide me. But looking at the greater scheme of things, choosing between someone who is loving, caring, wise, strong and open-minded, and someone who is the complete opposite, the battle is over before it even begins.
I always wanted her to take away my fears, doubts and my tears. I wanted her to answer my questions and never to question my own answers. Every Monday I needed for her to solve just about every little detail that I would be faced with, throughout the 6 days of not having contact with her. She did all of this and so much more. I couldn't possibly sum up what she has done for me, the list is endless, as is my gratitude, my respect and my admiration for her.
I'll never forget the first time I walked in to see her. I was so "everywhere but in Wexford" and I didn't even introduce myself properly. I didn't shake her hand, I didn't say what my name was. I came in, sat down on the chair in front of her and let everything happen around me. I don't remember a lot, but I'll never forget the fact that I didn't shake this amazing womans' hand. I know I wasn't well, but you would think that, unless being unconscious, nobody would ever be too ill to simply have some manners. Another thing that stuck in my mind, was how great she looked. I didn't believe back then that she had been anorexic once upon a time. I always thought that once someone has such an illness, it will always be visible. But I couldn't see that when I looked at her. I wondered how she was able to deal with somebody with an eating disorder.. I was amazed that there were actually such people who specialized in knowing an anorexic when they would see one. But she did. The second week we went to see her, I remember her saying that I was exactly where I needed to be, in regards to getting treatment and that if I wasn't ill, then she would have told me. So she could see.. But I couldn't. Would I ever be able to look at others, or myself and know if that certain person had anorexia? I never thought I would be capable of achieving such a state of mind. But, as I sit here, I've achieved it. I see now, what she saw back then. And as overwhelming and confronting as it may be, it's a miracle in the sense that strength never really leaves us, when it comes to surviving.
I was curious as to how she saw me, when I walked in, all those months ago.. I don't want to be compared to others, but I simply wanted to know what her thoughts were. Yesterday this led to a whole "evaluation" of my reocvery. She said that she was more worried about my physical state, than she usually would be. She never has a lot of girls who she would worry about, when it comes to the physical state of being; because she isn't a doctor afterall, but a therapist. When it came to me, this however did become more worrying for her, mainly due to my heart being weak. But as soon as I started the supplements, I started to get stronger and I started to know what to do in order to get better and how to get as much out of this journey as possible. I wanted to recover with "efficiency" (if that's possible). It had to be done the right way. I didn't want to fail and so I got on with it. In that sense she said I was different from her other clients. I wasn't a bullsh*tter. I wasn't shying away from anything and I wanted to get it over and done with. For that to have gotten me where I am right now, was also because we never focussed on my weight. We focussed on my emotions, my head, my being. Numbers weren't made into something that controlled my food-intake, or lack of. That helped so much. All these ingredients were all the right ones, which made this one hell of a journey. But it was exactly what I needed.
Next to Ma, Diann turned out to be my all. An outsider, who was able to look in and see my life as it used to be and as it was being experienced in that very moment, just by the mumbo-jumbo that was flowing from my mouth. And I can tell you now, with 100% certainty, it was an enormous amount that I would throw at her. It never stopped, and an hour a week was always too short. But she never told me it was too much. She listened and listened and listened some more. She saw my illness through both Ma's and my own eyes and that's what made her seem to know everything. My world was so small, she was it, as was Anna and therefore she did actually know everything. Because back then, my everything was these 2 people. Anna and Diann. They were both so willing to guide me. But looking at the greater scheme of things, choosing between someone who is loving, caring, wise, strong and open-minded, and someone who is the complete opposite, the battle is over before it even begins.
One last session - 1
Yesterday, Monday the 20th of April, was the day of all days. It was my last session with Diann. The day I thought I would never get to be apart of. In a lot of ways it was the day I never wanted to be apart of - that last session. So good and so freeing but yet so final and therefore so sad. To extremes that all came into one. The extremes all being felt at the same time. Not wrecking the head and not being a burden. More good than bad, and more happiness than grief.
It had been 4 weeks since I seen her last. The time in between these 2 sessions was a great time. It was a time when so much happened. I've experienced so much happiness and continued to leap forward by feeling better and better each week. I had already started to step away from the sessions. I had already made myself live a life, without needing to lean on Diann at the drop of a hat. I knew I needed to start stepping away, or else I'd have felt lost without her. It would have been like a smack in the face. The past 4 weeks, was the longest time I've been in Ireland, without referring too much to Anna. 4 weeks can be a relatively short period of time but in my current situation I class it as being long. I haven't referred to Anna in my daily life anymore. Yes, in my sleeping hours, or in my hours of stress or in my hours of writing. But in relationships, living, planning and looking forward, Anna was not there. The first 4 weeks, in such a long time, that I didn't have to talk and consider how my life was going related to being tangled with my relationship with food. Because it's all normal. That's why yesterday it felt strange to sit there and tell her some of the feelings I had around food. I didn't want to have to do that anymore. I didn't need to do that anymore. It felt unnecessary and suddenly Diann wasn't my therapist anymore.
We chatted, we looked back over the my time in Ireland and we looked forward. But it was different. I didn't feel I was there to receive her services any longer. I wasn't there to lean on her. I was there to share my joy, my happiness, my thoughts. That's all. She didn't need to say anything regarding the eating disorder. The only thing she said, as I know I'd had 1 or 2 moments where thoughts tried to creep in, was: "Those thoughts are only lapses, and it doesn't mean you're not recovered. Don't start doubting yourself when really you know there's no place for doubt within you, any longer". (Or something along those lines). For Diann not to need to say anything that I don't already know, was refreshing as well as the fact that I looked at her, no longer as a client, but more as a friend. This doesn't strike me as being odd, because I never thought that I would still need her. But to still experience it, was uplifting.
We spoke about the road that we chose to take, or more to the point, that Ma chose for us to take, with regards to my recovery. Going to hospital and being force-fed, without having any control whatsoever, and without having any therapy, until weight was gained, wasn't meant for me. The opportunity never arose and Diann was brought upon our path, as Ma desperately searched the internet for help, before it was too late. And that's how it was meant to go. It was the best option for me, no matter what others apparently said and no matter how ill I was. From the beginning I was told how much more confidence I would gain from overcoming anorexia without being hospitalized. It frustrated me to hear, and I didn't want to agree with it. Because not getting myself ill enough to go into hospital, I saw me as being a weak failure. It was a let-down. I needed and wanted so much, to get as ill as possible, just to see how far I could go. So such phrases like "gaining confidence" or "being stronger for it in the end" or "still being in control" all fell on deafs ears back then. But not anymore. I'm delighted to have not gone to hospital. I'm chuffed that I put the weight back on, at my own pace. I'm ecstatic that Diann was brought to us. I thankful for path this journey has taken.
It had been 4 weeks since I seen her last. The time in between these 2 sessions was a great time. It was a time when so much happened. I've experienced so much happiness and continued to leap forward by feeling better and better each week. I had already started to step away from the sessions. I had already made myself live a life, without needing to lean on Diann at the drop of a hat. I knew I needed to start stepping away, or else I'd have felt lost without her. It would have been like a smack in the face. The past 4 weeks, was the longest time I've been in Ireland, without referring too much to Anna. 4 weeks can be a relatively short period of time but in my current situation I class it as being long. I haven't referred to Anna in my daily life anymore. Yes, in my sleeping hours, or in my hours of stress or in my hours of writing. But in relationships, living, planning and looking forward, Anna was not there. The first 4 weeks, in such a long time, that I didn't have to talk and consider how my life was going related to being tangled with my relationship with food. Because it's all normal. That's why yesterday it felt strange to sit there and tell her some of the feelings I had around food. I didn't want to have to do that anymore. I didn't need to do that anymore. It felt unnecessary and suddenly Diann wasn't my therapist anymore.
We chatted, we looked back over the my time in Ireland and we looked forward. But it was different. I didn't feel I was there to receive her services any longer. I wasn't there to lean on her. I was there to share my joy, my happiness, my thoughts. That's all. She didn't need to say anything regarding the eating disorder. The only thing she said, as I know I'd had 1 or 2 moments where thoughts tried to creep in, was: "Those thoughts are only lapses, and it doesn't mean you're not recovered. Don't start doubting yourself when really you know there's no place for doubt within you, any longer". (Or something along those lines). For Diann not to need to say anything that I don't already know, was refreshing as well as the fact that I looked at her, no longer as a client, but more as a friend. This doesn't strike me as being odd, because I never thought that I would still need her. But to still experience it, was uplifting.
We spoke about the road that we chose to take, or more to the point, that Ma chose for us to take, with regards to my recovery. Going to hospital and being force-fed, without having any control whatsoever, and without having any therapy, until weight was gained, wasn't meant for me. The opportunity never arose and Diann was brought upon our path, as Ma desperately searched the internet for help, before it was too late. And that's how it was meant to go. It was the best option for me, no matter what others apparently said and no matter how ill I was. From the beginning I was told how much more confidence I would gain from overcoming anorexia without being hospitalized. It frustrated me to hear, and I didn't want to agree with it. Because not getting myself ill enough to go into hospital, I saw me as being a weak failure. It was a let-down. I needed and wanted so much, to get as ill as possible, just to see how far I could go. So such phrases like "gaining confidence" or "being stronger for it in the end" or "still being in control" all fell on deafs ears back then. But not anymore. I'm delighted to have not gone to hospital. I'm chuffed that I put the weight back on, at my own pace. I'm ecstatic that Diann was brought to us. I thankful for path this journey has taken.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A wink of sleep
Sometimes when I sit and let things get calm, I can be overcome with this sense that there's more going on, when really there's less activity around me than there actually was, before I started to get calm. No activity, but still being occupied by something other than busy surroundings. Because it's not the surroundings that are causing that sense of busy-ness. But it's inside and it's so powerful.
This is what happened to me last night, and it carried on through the night, as I slept. It's so strange, hard to put into words, but very powerful and very present. There's no way to escape it. Because I own it. It's all mine. It's not like I can run, or hide. It's not like I can shut the door, or close my eyes. Nothing. I could try to go to another place inside of myself, where that extra sense might not be. I could do this, by preoccupying my mind with other things that take that calmness away. But what if I like to be calm, and therefore urge that sense to be recognized? What happens then? If I try to go to that other place inside, and ignore something that is obviously trying to get through, then it will arise through a different manner and on a different occasion. And when is that exactly? It's when I sleep. This process came to light, last night.
I went to bed, after trying to ignore what it was that was trying to get through. But I was feeling calm and relaxed. I was geared-up for my last session with Diann, which took place this morning and I'm nearly packed to leave on Thursday. With so many things going, I'm not feeling stressed but nice and tranquil with it all. It's a good thing. But obviously finishing these things that have been my life for the past 10 months, will cause emotions to run high, whether I'm aware of them or not. So I went to sleep and started experiencing so many different things. They were nightmares combined with a feeling of being awake and still dreaming. There was anxiety, there was power. There was claustrophobia, there was loss. I woke myself up by screaming outloud for Ma, after feeling I was being strangled. I needed Ma's help just one more time. I wanted her close to me and to reach out to her and to be reassured by her, just one last time. I wasn't in a deep sleep as this nightmare was occurring, because I was aware I was leaving for Australia.
When I woke up, after screaming, my heart was racing and I lay awake for a good while. I was able to give meaning to all the different emotions that I had felt throughout the dream. Everything made sense. Ideally I should have written down exactly what my interpretations were at the moment, but I never did. I could make sense of reality, however I felt like I never wanted to sleep again. Because sleep meant all this calmness within me would bring on so much more. More than I was willing to feel, more than I was able to process. I felt that sleep was never going to be something I'd be able to do, without being scared of the presence I'd be forced to feel, of the things I'd come to realize, of the distress I'd need to face up to. I didn't want to have to go through that again. I knew there was so much going on, but in my waking hours I felt so fine with closing these old chapters and opening new ones. But then my dreams or nightmares, proved otherwise. So how would I know for sure that I'm not an emotional wreck, when different states of alertness, awareness or consciousness are telling me different things?
I always choose to believe that what happens when we're a sleep, is related to what happens when we're awake. It's the mind processing it and there's so much we can learn of ourselves and the effects our lives are truly having on us. It's a brilliant thing. As so many answers are revealed; the things that the mind chooses not to see, or simply cannot see, during the hours of being awake. I just never expected the 2 different states, to be so contradicting. They seem to be complete opposites of each other. Am I ignoring something, throughout the day, so it's therefore coming to me in my sleep? Maybe it's that sense of some sort of power that I'm storing away and ignoring. I then ask myself: why would I ignore it? Well, that's because I don't know where it comes from, or why it comes to me, or what to do with it. I don't know what it means and the unknown is always something that a person can more easily shy away from than face up to.
Would I sleep easily if I let whatever it is, just be? When I was feeling I could never ever sleep easy again, it was something that was within me. Something that I'd have to carry, if I chose to keep thinking and feeling like that. But I would just make sleeping such a problem, by telling myself this. The consequences of feeling and deciding that this was how it was meant to be, would be huge. But could I tell myself I'm safe and that no matter what goes on, either inside or outside of me? Won't that make everything okay? That way no matter what comes to me in my sleep, it won't be bad, but good. It will make me wiser, it will make see, it will make me deal with what needs to be dealt with. I'm not too sure.
The thing I do know for sure, is that going to bed at night and resting the head, is the only time when nobody can escape from the truth. It's there, and nothing is suppressed, forgotten or compensated. Whatever questions, doubts, fears or desires we have, whatever our destiny turns out to be, the hours of the night will bring them to light. They have potential and they are given attention. But it's just down to the dreamer, or the "baddreamer" (whenever it's regarding nightmares), to realize their meaning and to do what is intended. The information, the emotion, the desire. It's all there but just needs a little more attention than has already been given to it, whilst dreaming. So simple but so complex. So challenging but so obvious. The meaning behind that dream needs to be made a reality..and once that happens, each and every night going to sleep can be seen as a little adventure, a little story or a movie of our lives. Never boring or meaningless. But significant and glorious. The wonders of the human mind become even more evident, as we gain energy by resting and also clarity by observing both ourselves and our lives. All because of the minds eye that never sleeps..
This is what happened to me last night, and it carried on through the night, as I slept. It's so strange, hard to put into words, but very powerful and very present. There's no way to escape it. Because I own it. It's all mine. It's not like I can run, or hide. It's not like I can shut the door, or close my eyes. Nothing. I could try to go to another place inside of myself, where that extra sense might not be. I could do this, by preoccupying my mind with other things that take that calmness away. But what if I like to be calm, and therefore urge that sense to be recognized? What happens then? If I try to go to that other place inside, and ignore something that is obviously trying to get through, then it will arise through a different manner and on a different occasion. And when is that exactly? It's when I sleep. This process came to light, last night.
I went to bed, after trying to ignore what it was that was trying to get through. But I was feeling calm and relaxed. I was geared-up for my last session with Diann, which took place this morning and I'm nearly packed to leave on Thursday. With so many things going, I'm not feeling stressed but nice and tranquil with it all. It's a good thing. But obviously finishing these things that have been my life for the past 10 months, will cause emotions to run high, whether I'm aware of them or not. So I went to sleep and started experiencing so many different things. They were nightmares combined with a feeling of being awake and still dreaming. There was anxiety, there was power. There was claustrophobia, there was loss. I woke myself up by screaming outloud for Ma, after feeling I was being strangled. I needed Ma's help just one more time. I wanted her close to me and to reach out to her and to be reassured by her, just one last time. I wasn't in a deep sleep as this nightmare was occurring, because I was aware I was leaving for Australia.
When I woke up, after screaming, my heart was racing and I lay awake for a good while. I was able to give meaning to all the different emotions that I had felt throughout the dream. Everything made sense. Ideally I should have written down exactly what my interpretations were at the moment, but I never did. I could make sense of reality, however I felt like I never wanted to sleep again. Because sleep meant all this calmness within me would bring on so much more. More than I was willing to feel, more than I was able to process. I felt that sleep was never going to be something I'd be able to do, without being scared of the presence I'd be forced to feel, of the things I'd come to realize, of the distress I'd need to face up to. I didn't want to have to go through that again. I knew there was so much going on, but in my waking hours I felt so fine with closing these old chapters and opening new ones. But then my dreams or nightmares, proved otherwise. So how would I know for sure that I'm not an emotional wreck, when different states of alertness, awareness or consciousness are telling me different things?
I always choose to believe that what happens when we're a sleep, is related to what happens when we're awake. It's the mind processing it and there's so much we can learn of ourselves and the effects our lives are truly having on us. It's a brilliant thing. As so many answers are revealed; the things that the mind chooses not to see, or simply cannot see, during the hours of being awake. I just never expected the 2 different states, to be so contradicting. They seem to be complete opposites of each other. Am I ignoring something, throughout the day, so it's therefore coming to me in my sleep? Maybe it's that sense of some sort of power that I'm storing away and ignoring. I then ask myself: why would I ignore it? Well, that's because I don't know where it comes from, or why it comes to me, or what to do with it. I don't know what it means and the unknown is always something that a person can more easily shy away from than face up to.
Would I sleep easily if I let whatever it is, just be? When I was feeling I could never ever sleep easy again, it was something that was within me. Something that I'd have to carry, if I chose to keep thinking and feeling like that. But I would just make sleeping such a problem, by telling myself this. The consequences of feeling and deciding that this was how it was meant to be, would be huge. But could I tell myself I'm safe and that no matter what goes on, either inside or outside of me? Won't that make everything okay? That way no matter what comes to me in my sleep, it won't be bad, but good. It will make me wiser, it will make see, it will make me deal with what needs to be dealt with. I'm not too sure.
The thing I do know for sure, is that going to bed at night and resting the head, is the only time when nobody can escape from the truth. It's there, and nothing is suppressed, forgotten or compensated. Whatever questions, doubts, fears or desires we have, whatever our destiny turns out to be, the hours of the night will bring them to light. They have potential and they are given attention. But it's just down to the dreamer, or the "baddreamer" (whenever it's regarding nightmares), to realize their meaning and to do what is intended. The information, the emotion, the desire. It's all there but just needs a little more attention than has already been given to it, whilst dreaming. So simple but so complex. So challenging but so obvious. The meaning behind that dream needs to be made a reality..and once that happens, each and every night going to sleep can be seen as a little adventure, a little story or a movie of our lives. Never boring or meaningless. But significant and glorious. The wonders of the human mind become even more evident, as we gain energy by resting and also clarity by observing both ourselves and our lives. All because of the minds eye that never sleeps..
Mr. Acupuncturist - one last time
Thursday was my last acupuncture treatment and just like Monday and Tuesday, it was another day for closure. It was so nice to know that it would be my last time. Not because I disliked going, because I always enjoyed it and it did me so much good. But more because of what it represents, which I suppose is only normal.
The clinic has a particular feel to it. Whenever I'd step inside the door, a certain smell of herbs would hit me, and there would be chilled-out mediation music on in the background. There was always an instant calming vibe, once I stepped inside and it reminds me too much of all the hours of sitting in his waiting room, or lieing on his treatment table, after having to gear myself up for the appointment, as I was so weak, vulnerable and down. I started noticing that going in to his clinic was bringing back all the old stuff from months ago. That's when I knew I'd be happy not to have to go anymore. I knew then, that it was time for acupuncture in Arklow, to be a thing of the past. And before I knew what was happening, my last treatment was done and dusted.
During the treatment last week, I was thinking back to the first time I saw him and got my first treatment. How traumatising that was! I remember him pushing me to say things that I hadn't clue I needed to say. I remember wanting to give the right answers but simply not knowing what he wanted for me to say. I remember coming so close to running out of his office. I remember him asking me what I wanted from life.. As I sat there, every 31 kilo's of me, every desperate ounce of me that was crying out for help.. I answered: "I want to travel". But those words didn't have any meaning to me then. Not like they do to me today. I just spoke those words without realizing how ill I was, how much energy a person needs to travel or how messed-up my life was at that stage. It never occurred to me to say "I want to be healthy again". Because I didn't feel ill. I remember sitting there and thinking about travel, and not caring about anything else. But it seemed so far off. I remember being nearly certain that I would never feel fine with putting on weight, in order to get my health back and to eventually travel again. The whole process seemed like something I wasn't capable of doing.
I felt so trapped, as I knew I was in Arklow until I was back on my feet, even though I felt I was fine on my feet..little did I know just how unwell and unhappy I was. With feeling trapped, I felt I was missing out on the whole world. It was happening without me. It was still turning, but I was no longer a part of it. Every beat I was missing, every vibe wasn't mine to experience. But that feeling of being trapped, in either Arklow or my own body, was the thing that stopped me from running out of his office. It would have been so much easier to run, instead of having to face up to something, to anything, that was supposedly me.. It wasn't me, it didn't feel like me back then, and to this day it still doesn't feel like me. I sat there as I was thinking of travel and in tears because I didn't see my life as my own and I didn't know how I had gotten myself into that mess which I didn't think I'd ever be able to get myself out of it. Those travel thoughts, made me want to do everything in my power to stay and have the treatment and the road ahead. If acupuncture was going to help me, even the smallest way, then I had to do it. And I did.
Throughout the months, Mr. Acupuncturist has proven to be "pushy" by nature. It was the thing about him, that often upset me, or threw me off course. Many times he gave me advice, or told me to do certain things..when I knew it was too much for me. I knew not to listen, I knew that I was more aware of how my body was doing than he was. Because if he would have been aware, he wouldn't have tried to push me. I remember that to have been extremely hard. But, it simply is the way he operates.
I have spoken about him so often, not always in the nicest manner. I'm well aware of that. I'm not sorry I bad-mouthed him. Because that's how I was feeling back then and if I took some of my anger out on him, then so be it. It's just what he triggered within me. But I always knew that I never disliked him. He is good hearted person, he saw me as an individual and he had my best interests at heart. Towards the end, as I got stronger and stronger, it all became more lighthearted and fun to chat to him. He knows so much and has done a lot in his relatively short life. He has been apart of my journey and I'm grateful for the work he has done on me. Another thing that has to be said about him, is that I respect him for not being afraid to treat me, when I was so ill. For somebody who doesn't regularly treat people with eating disorders, and to be confronted with my condition, and to be brave and not judge me..was unique. And that's probably why we did click on some level. I don't know if I'd be where I am now, if I'd have walked out of his office back in July. But I didn't, so I don't need to wonder what if, and how.. Because I didn't let that happen. And I'm so grateful for what he has done for me.
Thursday we chatted a bit, and he was so excited for my trip and was delighted to see me doing so well. Like many others, he has given me his email address, for if I ever need anything. I know this wasn't my last ever treatment, but it was for the time being. He gave me a big hug and we wished each other well.. I left there feeling great. 9 long months of treatment, week in week out. All done and dusted. Such a blessing to have walked into his clinic, but also such a joy walk away with myself, my health and my life.
The clinic has a particular feel to it. Whenever I'd step inside the door, a certain smell of herbs would hit me, and there would be chilled-out mediation music on in the background. There was always an instant calming vibe, once I stepped inside and it reminds me too much of all the hours of sitting in his waiting room, or lieing on his treatment table, after having to gear myself up for the appointment, as I was so weak, vulnerable and down. I started noticing that going in to his clinic was bringing back all the old stuff from months ago. That's when I knew I'd be happy not to have to go anymore. I knew then, that it was time for acupuncture in Arklow, to be a thing of the past. And before I knew what was happening, my last treatment was done and dusted.
During the treatment last week, I was thinking back to the first time I saw him and got my first treatment. How traumatising that was! I remember him pushing me to say things that I hadn't clue I needed to say. I remember wanting to give the right answers but simply not knowing what he wanted for me to say. I remember coming so close to running out of his office. I remember him asking me what I wanted from life.. As I sat there, every 31 kilo's of me, every desperate ounce of me that was crying out for help.. I answered: "I want to travel". But those words didn't have any meaning to me then. Not like they do to me today. I just spoke those words without realizing how ill I was, how much energy a person needs to travel or how messed-up my life was at that stage. It never occurred to me to say "I want to be healthy again". Because I didn't feel ill. I remember sitting there and thinking about travel, and not caring about anything else. But it seemed so far off. I remember being nearly certain that I would never feel fine with putting on weight, in order to get my health back and to eventually travel again. The whole process seemed like something I wasn't capable of doing.
I felt so trapped, as I knew I was in Arklow until I was back on my feet, even though I felt I was fine on my feet..little did I know just how unwell and unhappy I was. With feeling trapped, I felt I was missing out on the whole world. It was happening without me. It was still turning, but I was no longer a part of it. Every beat I was missing, every vibe wasn't mine to experience. But that feeling of being trapped, in either Arklow or my own body, was the thing that stopped me from running out of his office. It would have been so much easier to run, instead of having to face up to something, to anything, that was supposedly me.. It wasn't me, it didn't feel like me back then, and to this day it still doesn't feel like me. I sat there as I was thinking of travel and in tears because I didn't see my life as my own and I didn't know how I had gotten myself into that mess which I didn't think I'd ever be able to get myself out of it. Those travel thoughts, made me want to do everything in my power to stay and have the treatment and the road ahead. If acupuncture was going to help me, even the smallest way, then I had to do it. And I did.
Throughout the months, Mr. Acupuncturist has proven to be "pushy" by nature. It was the thing about him, that often upset me, or threw me off course. Many times he gave me advice, or told me to do certain things..when I knew it was too much for me. I knew not to listen, I knew that I was more aware of how my body was doing than he was. Because if he would have been aware, he wouldn't have tried to push me. I remember that to have been extremely hard. But, it simply is the way he operates.
I have spoken about him so often, not always in the nicest manner. I'm well aware of that. I'm not sorry I bad-mouthed him. Because that's how I was feeling back then and if I took some of my anger out on him, then so be it. It's just what he triggered within me. But I always knew that I never disliked him. He is good hearted person, he saw me as an individual and he had my best interests at heart. Towards the end, as I got stronger and stronger, it all became more lighthearted and fun to chat to him. He knows so much and has done a lot in his relatively short life. He has been apart of my journey and I'm grateful for the work he has done on me. Another thing that has to be said about him, is that I respect him for not being afraid to treat me, when I was so ill. For somebody who doesn't regularly treat people with eating disorders, and to be confronted with my condition, and to be brave and not judge me..was unique. And that's probably why we did click on some level. I don't know if I'd be where I am now, if I'd have walked out of his office back in July. But I didn't, so I don't need to wonder what if, and how.. Because I didn't let that happen. And I'm so grateful for what he has done for me.
Thursday we chatted a bit, and he was so excited for my trip and was delighted to see me doing so well. Like many others, he has given me his email address, for if I ever need anything. I know this wasn't my last ever treatment, but it was for the time being. He gave me a big hug and we wished each other well.. I left there feeling great. 9 long months of treatment, week in week out. All done and dusted. Such a blessing to have walked into his clinic, but also such a joy walk away with myself, my health and my life.
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