1000 Tears

A thousand tears I've cried
I couldn't have stopped them even if I tried.
All for you, you selfish cow
I once loved you so dearly, but not here, not now.
My eyes are sore and tight
My vision is blurry and you are out of sight.
"Absense makes the heart grow fonder"
This doesn't apply to you, so take a wander.
"Out of sight, out of mind"
That sounds better, and for Fay it's so kind.
My tears seem constant and neverending
So leave me along because I'm no longer pretending.
Nine-hundred and ninety-nine tears set free
However there's only ONE that I'll cherish,
Because it's especially for me.

Heart-broken

A breaking heart, aching like hell
It tears me apart, there nobody to tell
The grief, the sorrow, words could never say
The aching, the pain, all felt by Fay

A breaking heart, for someone so wrong
It tears me apart, because you'll never belong
The loneliness, the fear, nobody else can ever know
The longing, the emptiness, has taken away my glow

A breaking heart, like never before
It tears me apart, because you were who I could adore
The disbelief, the outrage, of what you put me through
The exhaustion, the nothingness, I'm now left with, because of you..

Taste-buds and fleshy bones

Saturday afternoon. Eating has been taken to total different level now.. I'm no longer eating to keep my heart ticking, but I'm eating for nutrition and I'm having to learn a different approach to food than the approach I've had the past weeks and months.

Months ago, food was keeping me out of hospital.. I've built my food-intake up so much, and as little activity as possible, that I've now got some fat on my bones, so I can afford to skip a meal..not that I would, well not like I used to anyhow.. Everybody has reserves and they can skip lunch and be fine eating dinner and not overindulge or faint either.. I think I'm getting there slowly as well. But, if I have to be honest, Thursday I didn't have a proper dinner, after the visit to the dentist, and Friday I felt exhausted, and was so hungry, even after having everything on my daily menu.. That was because I didn't have enough carbohydrates and protein the day before. But 4 weeks ago, I would have felt exhausted and sickly the same night instead of the next day. So I've got some more reserves now and more nutrients, which is good for Fay I suppose.

Where was I..? Yeah, eating has been taken to a different level..
Not only are my reserves being stored, but there are other reasons for me to keep on eating. It's almost like I'm regaining my independence by being able to choose what and when I'm allowed to eat. I'm being let go and trying to find my own strength almost, to be able to feel when I need food and what food is it I want. My body has been training to digest enourmous amounts of food again, over the past months and it's still not how it should be and it will still take some more time, but time is all I have and lots of it and a normal metabolism should be on the cards..somewhere down the line.

Since this week, it's like the training has been taken up a notch.. As well as digesting, I'm now needing to learn to act on different cravings and I'm allowed.. What's the difference to a year ago? Well, back then I would ignore cravings and try to keep them at bay by overeating on safe foods.. I had trained myself to ignore my natural cravings and to only crave my safe foods. It's tricky to explain..
One of my safe foods, was muesli. I would eat this as often as possible and whenever I craved other tastes, salt for instance, I would overindulge, thinking this would cure it. I trained myself to switch off cravings which made it possible for me to resist the forbidden foods that I would dream about. But now, I have to learn to act on cravings. I'm becoming more aware of my need for protein and carbohydrates. If I don't have them, it's like I get a sugar-rush and feel awful.. After I've had either one or both types of food, I feel so much different and better, than when I have a bowl of muesli.. Each time I think I know exactly what's going on, I learn a little bit more..

Realizing that I've got these reserves, and some flesh on my bones, can make me feel awful, but I know, that I could never undo all the good I've done over the past months. I would never ever, go back to starving myself..I can't imagine what I would have to go through to go back to the way I was and to get my weight down again. It nearly seem impossible.. I wouldn't want to either.. I've been feeding and nourishing my body and soul now, for nearly 4 months now, and I wouldn't suck the life out of myself again, the way I did.. I don't want to analyze that too much, because it might make me crazy with guilt, but the reserves I now have, I should cherish. I've regained it, by the resting and the eating. Building reserves is building my physical strength.. And I'm going the right way about doing this, so I'll just keep on going..Nobody can even take away the fat I've gained on bones.. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.. and I don't want to think about it too much... I'm letting go of those thoughts for now..

Obeying my hunger-moment..Second time

This is a big week, when it comes to "Challenging Anna"..
It probably only feels like this, because I'm having to push myself, on the food area, more so, than I have ever had to do.

Diann wanted me to have some chocolate. I've done this.. That's a closed chapter now. She wanted me to act on my hunger, 3 times this week. I've already done it once. It's now Saturday morning. Today I have to act on, at some stage. I've been thinking about it all day yesterday and this morning.. I can have whatever I like at whatever time I like. During the week, I cured the craving for a toasted cheese sandwich. Yesterday I started thinking what I would love to eat. Anything I like..

I was almost scared and nervous going to the supermarket yesterday afternoon because I'm allowed anything I want. It's all there and as part of recovering, I have to try other foods and challenge Anna by eating WHEN my body needs it and WHAT my body is wanting.. I needed to get out of the house too so I just went and if I now suddenly develop a fear for being around so much food, all under 1 roof, then I'm only giving power to Anna. That's not what I'm supposed to be doing. So I went. I didn't really look at all the food, or ask myself what I really would love to eat.. I didn't want to be a pig, and I knew that there would be something for me at home I'd love to have.. So I resisted the temptation of all the delicious different foods.. oops..

The whole evening and night I was worrying. Not only about the chocolate but I knew I still had to act 2 more times on my hunger-feeling before going to see Diann on Monday. So there was some pressure. I had to do one of these things before going to bed last night..or else I'd have to do too much in too little time.. So I've had the chocolate. Now all I need to do, today, is eat when I'm hungry and it has to be something I'm longing for..

Right at this moment, I'm not hungry. So what am I going to do? Will I just have something anyway? I'm not too sure. I've been putting if off all week, and now I'm stressed-out by it. I've left it too late and now everything is going to go "wrong"..

Right, I might feel hungry later on, but I still have to stick to my normal food-plan..so that's confusing me a little.. I might just stuff my face and have everything I'm supposed to have AND something I'm longing for.. What's the worst that can happen? I'll put weight on my hips, face and feet? Yes, that's what could happen.. But the only person who that effects in a bad way is Anna, and seeing as though I'm challenging her, then isn't it good to be p*ssing her off? Right? I suppose so..

I think I might have a pancake, or a nutty yogurt.. I dreamt about a nutty yogurt last night, because I nearly had it yesterday afternoon and then again yesterday evening. But I didn't.. Anna took over and told me it was bad. Even though I eat a yogurt every morning, this particular nutty yogurt is different. The one I have each morning, is the fat-free one, vanilla flavoured, Activia from Danone, with only 59 calories per 125 grams.. That's practically nothing. The nutty yogurt from Yoplait, that I dreamt about last night is full fat, creamy with 145 calories per 120 grams.. That's a yogurt on a whole different scale..

When I first came back to Ireland, initially on holidays at the beginning of June, these nutty yogurts were in the fridge. They looked so delicious, but once I seen the fat and calorie content, I wasn't allowed it. It's too tasty, too fatty and too much of treat. I was glad that Mam kept on buying them, because everytime I would open the fridge and they would be there calling for me and I would resist the temptation, I would feel good and strong. I would enjoy seeing Sean eating them, especially at night, because that made me feel even better..I was resisting putting on unnecessary kilos.. What a awful person I am.. I was nothing personal against Sean of course, but I was being pushed to my limits without anybody knowing this and I got stronger the more he ate and the more I was being confronted.

There has been one in the fridge now for the past 2 days. I know Sean will want to have it, sometime today or tonight.. But I could have it if I wanted to.. That would be a big step..Having a full fat yogurt, that has been calling my name since the beginning of June.. Hummm..I don't know..
Or a pancake, or a scone..?? I don't know, I don't know.. Right, I've just gone to the fridge, I've taken it out, and I'm gonna have the yogurt..O my god.. That is delicious.. It smells divine and there's even little bits of nuts in it.. I don't think I've ever had one of these..not by yoplait anyhow and not hazelnut flavour.. And there really isn't that much fat in them.. only 5 grams.. It's so creamy and not as sweet as I imagined..and it's a source of calcium and protein, it's fine..

I'm just facing another fear, it's okay, I'm supposed to have it.. Fay will be proud..words that are not yet to be said outloud..

My Chocolate Experience..

If you're a chocolate-lover, it might be wise to have access to some, if you plan on reading this.. just a word of warning..

I've done it. I've had my first piece of chocolate in 5 months. Last night..
Such a big ordeal, well that's how if felt. The whole week I was trying to figure out when would be the best time to have it and suddenly it was Friday afternoon.

At the start of every week (usually a Tuesday) I'm always strongest and at my most positive and I'm therefore able to deal with more, because I've just unloaded all my thoughts on Diann. This would have been the best time to have the chocolate, but I kept on putting it off. It was then Friday afternoon, and I knew it would only get harder so I had to take action. I had to be strong and just do this!

We were in the supermarket yesterday afternoon. The chocolate aisle approached. Mam was afraid to suggest we get a bar of chocolate. I could feel the tension rising and Mam didn't want to get the head taken off her..which might have been what I would have done.. So I knew I had to say something. I was so nervous and was uneasy and didn't quite know what to do.. So I just blurted it out: "Right,I suppose we'll have to get some chocolate then", in the most sarcastic way of course..

I didn't know what to get because I wanted it all..There was too much to choose from. Diann had suggested a Cadbury's Snack.. you know the pink one, with the 3 fingers. It's lighter than having chuncks of chocolate and the 3 fingers will last me as long as I want. It seemed safer to have her suggestion than to come up with something on my own.. Silly really, I know.. Because it just felt so wrong, buying it, that going with her suggestion felt safer and it felt right..

I was wanting to pick up every bar on the shelf and check which one had the least amount of calories and fat. The Eileen came up, saw what I was doing, grabbed the chocolate out of my hand a threw it in the trolley.. Probably just as well she did, I would have driven myself crazy otherwise. So strange, I felt like a little kid, that was being told what to do. But that's fine, because at that moment, it's exactly what I needed..Eileen the little star..

Right, we'd bought it. That was the easy part. Now I had to decide when was the best time to eat it. I would have preferred to eat it with nobody around. But Diann advised against it, because I'll overindulge and feel guilty. All evening I was nervous and trying to figure out when was the best time to have it..I was watching a dvd but I couldn't concentrate and was just worrying and making the whole "first chocolate experience" bigger than it was. I gazed at the screen, not taking in anything, thinking about the chocolate.. Contemplating..: "will I wait until Saturday night? or maybe the afternoon..? That way it won't stick in my stomach.. But I don't want Sean around, because he might say something (unintentionally) and make me feel bad".. Driving myself insane and building up the nerves.

Then it was time to "bite the bullet". Last night Sean and Eileen were out and I was sick of worrying about when to eat it, so I just got on with it. I switched off all the awful feelings.

It was 9 o'clock. I went downstairs, got out the bar, I asked if Mam wanted a finger. She did, thank god.. and we sat had a finger each with a cup of tea. I had to look at the calories..I couldn't resist and I was pleased to realized that there's the same amount in one finger as in a digestive biscuit that I would usually have at the same time each night (65..that's not alot at all!!) So I didn't feel too bad. I had to talk myself through it, in my head, while watching Gordon Ramsay on telly.. I told myself it's just like a digestive biscuit..it's the same and I'm protecting myself against future binging, it's just facing my fear and it has to be done sooner or laster.. So it was good, I was being productive and I was supporting Fay.

I enjoyed it so much. I didn't think it was possible to forget the taste of chocolate..But after the first bite, I was amazed, because I had forgotten how delicious it is..especially the chocolate being Cadburys..the best brand of chocolate in the world, if you ask me.. I managed to enjoy every bite..
Afterwards I wasn't feeling too bad.. I felt a little fat and felt my hips growing and a slight pig but the guilt wasn't overbearing. I spent the rest of the night telling myself over and over again..it's all part of recovering. It's just a small hurdle, a challenge that I've overcome. It's out of the way now. I was telling myself that I'll never totally recover if I still have foods that are forbidden and that I'm "afraid" of..and this was one of them. It's all part of the process. The list of forbidden foods is long, but it's needs to get shorter for me to get through this, and that's what I was doing. I wasn't fattening up and I wasn't overindulging. 1 finger was enough, I didn't feel tempted by the other finger, still in the press which meant I was still in control and that made me feel a little stronger.

I went to bed last night and the visions of the fat and sugars running around my body crept up now and then, but I kept on telling myself..I've done good, it's fine and I'm allowed to have a good nights sleep tonight, because I've been so good to Fay..
And guess what, I woke up this morning and world hadn't stopped spinning, I'm still alive and "fighting fit" after having some chocolate.. there was no reason for me to have been so scared..

Love the skin you're in

My body is just a parcel, It's the wrapping paper I've been given
Is it insignificant? or should it have a fancy pink ribbon?
Do I love the skin I'm in or is it hate and I want it disguised?
Am I being forced to see what it is or have I just never realized?

My body is just a parcel, but it's my most important possession
It is significant and it deserves a healthy dose of obsession
I'm the only one who can treat it right and love it as I should
I wouldn't want anyone else to, even if they could

My body is just a parcel, However there's nothing "just" about it
Because without it, we are nowhere and will never be fighting fit
Through it we can show who we are and it gets us to where we need to be
A healthy mind and soul supports a healthy body and a healthy me

My body is just a parcel, What a silly phrase
I need to own it and to stop seeing it as a maze
Knowing what's what and knowing what's not
That's what I have to find to fill the empty spot

My body is just a parcel, A parcel I have to again learn to love
Will my mind fit my body, tight and secure like a hand fits a glove
That's what I want, for them to slot together and to feel pride
Of what I see and who I am when through life I hope to glide..

Releasing Fear

I was emailing a friend yesterday afternoon, I went to the dentist and there was a book I was reading. These 3 "happenings" got me thinking about fear.

The past 4 months, I've been so scared of things. Scared of life without Anna, scared of getting fat, scared of the unknown. Being scared makes everyone anxious and worried.. This book I was reading, was about living a fearless life.. How great would it be, to live without fear?

Fear is an illusion. It isn't real. I just stated that I was scared of the unknown. So what am I scared of? I can't answer that, because it hasn't happened yet and it therefore not real. By feeling fear, you try to predict the future. Fear is unreliable. You can't trust your fear, because just like a fortune teller.. you can't trust them either.. Not until it happens. You could compare it to the dentist..the waiting-room. Everybody is afraid. But what if, afterwards, only 5% of the people in the waiting room felt the pain, what happened to the other 95%? They were scared as well, but they needn't have been.. They all felt fear, but they didn't feel the pain. So what was the point of being so scared and nervous? None..
For the 5%, the fear came true. So the next time this small percentage goes to the dentist, they will give their fear credit for having protected them, which will encourage them to spend the rest of their life being anxious for the dentist..

Will the feeling of fear, make the moment come any faster? Will it make it all less painful? Will it speed up the process? No.. It won't do any of these things..
Our body knows how to protect itself, whether we are scared or not..Whenever there's danger, you're body will act to escape and survive.

What causes fear? Events that have happened in the past? But why would we let things that have happened once, take over and convince us it's going to happen again? An example is the Tsunami. Before this happened in 2004 people never feared it. But now people don't feel safe anymore, going to tropical beaches.. But 10 years ago, this could have happened but nobody feared it, because it wasn't heard of. It had to happen to give people a reason to be afraid.

So is the world a scary place? Is the world our home? Isn't your home supposed to be the safest place? What happens when something has crept in to your home, that makes you scared..a poisonousness snake for example.. You can't get rid of it, so get used to living in fear. It's not until you release yourself of the fear of this snake, that you'll feel safe. If fear isn't real and if it's pointless, then why force yourself to learn to live with it instead of letting the fear go?

Fear has taken over the world, without people realizing it..everyone is used to living in fear.. If we could let it go, we'd be able to see what's underneath.. Fear is a fog bank inside each person.. but pierce through this fog and you'll find what's underneath..you'll be fearless and you'll find out how it feels to know the joy of your soul..

It makes so much sense. I went to the dentist yesterday. Mam asked me: "Are you scared, are you nervous?".. I said.."No".. And I wasn't.. So I lay there while they were drilling and chiseling and hammering.. The needle hurt like hell but it had to be done. Was I scared? No. I was in the car going back home, thinking about how much it would have hurt if I had of been nervous and scared before going in.. It would have been the same.. So it would have been pointless.. It would have just caused me stress and anxiety all day, if I had given in to fear.

We can't live in the past and we can't predict the future..it's all about here and now..and right now, we're safe.

Keeping it real

Being active or sitting on my backside? What do I like to do best? What gives me more satisfaction? I don't know. It used to be "being active".. But now? Who cares? What does it matter..
But by not being active, I'll get fat, and that's something I don't want. During the week, I was told that if I don't do anything all day, all the food will go to my hips.. Panic! What the hell?! Is that really what's going to happen? Because I don't want big hips.. Do I already have them? Has it happened without me noticing, because I haven't looked in the mirror properly for a few weeks. Are big hips bad? What's wrong with big hips? Do I have the "genes" that will give me these big hips?

It was Mr. Acupuncturist who said it to me. Bless him. He really doesn't mean to make me feel so bad, but some of the things he says, kind of hit the wrong strings, if you know what I'm saying. I can't let it go. It's been playing on my mind.. And I'm now terrified of having big hips. I still fit my jeans, thankfully. But it won't be for much longer.. That's the day I dread the most. The day I try them on, and they're too small.. Will I obsess like this forever? I think I could probably fit a size "small" in the adults department again. But I don't know. I tell myself that, but I don't know if it's real or not. As I read somewhere once: What we imagine, we create.. I used to tell myself I was fat, to keep off the weight. This gave me motivation. But Diann said to me, that it could work the other way as well so you should be careful with telling yourself things that aren't true. It's like..What we feel, we attract.. If I feel fat, then I'll end up fat.. If I tell myself I have big hips, then that's what I have or I'll, subconsciously, create?

So how do I know what's right? How do I know if I do have big hips or not? How do I know if I'm fat or slim? How do I know what I see in the mirror is real? When will I be able to trust my own judgment?

The reason I used to always tell myself I was fat, was to stay away from bad foods. I would sometimes come across overweight people, who would see themselves as skinny. But really they weren't. For people who see themselves as slim, they eat whatever it is they want..and they put on weight, but can't see it because they have convinced themselves they are slim.
You could compare "seeing what isn't real" with the X-Factor auditions.. Some people actually think they can sing and are so convinced that they are great.. They sing their hearts out, but all the while they are making fools of themselves. There's no one who dares tell them otherwise..except Simon Cowell.. My point is, that when you're so convinced you're one thing, when actually you aren't, how can you know what's real? Relating this back to me..How will I know that what I see in the mirror is genuine? How will I know if I'm fat or slim? How will I know if I'm healthy or not? How will I be able to trust myself again?

Looking at is from a different perspective, when it comes to looking at myself in the mirror: What does it matter? Because it doesn't really..does it? We see what we want to see.. If I want to see a fat person, in order to stay slim, then that's what I'll see. If I want to see a slim person, in order to keep on eating and stay healthy, then that's what I'll see. I have to learn to look past the reflection...It's just a parcel. I have to learn to NOT judge myself according to my clothes size and by what I've achieved. I don't need to judge myself and I don't care what other people think of me, and honestly, if other people judge me by my clothes size, then they aren't worth the time of day..

Believing what you've convinced yourself of, or believing in what's real? Why is that most people would tell themselves that they are one thing, when they are another? Is it modesty? Is it their ego? Is it being over-confident? Are we all just fooling ourselves by constantly telling ourselves we're a certain thing, just to keep our feet on the ground or to live up to expectations of society or the people we love? If so, is it done intentionally? Why would somebody choose to go through life being someone they're not? Some people aren't even aware of this, and therefore also unaware of the potential they have or the lies they've been convincing themselves of. Not everybody gets the opportunity to see who they really are..

Example.. It's like having a talent. I'm convinced everybody is born with a talent. Some people are lucky they get to discover it.. The really lucky ones discover it early in life. They get the chance to develop it, they are passionate about it and they devote their life to it. Other people never get to discover what their talent is.. Which could be a waste. So how do we find out what it is? By sticking to doing our work and filling the time with activities that we think we're supposed to be doing? Or by venturing out and discovering this gift? It seems like the obvious answer, but life doesn't always give us the opportunity to venture out and things don't always work out the way they should or could. But these are only our surroundings that are uncontrollable. We can't influence external factors but we can influence internal factors. We have the power and we can make it happen.

If I relate this to my situation. Everything I had, has been stripped away from me. My surroundings that I classed as my "world" and that made me happy, were taken away, by Anna. I gave up my job, I left Holland, my friends, Emma and Orla, my plans and my "life". I gave them up, it was my own choice, in leaned on my family. Other than that, I had nothing. And to add to that, I had to start the battle against Anna. So everything I thought I valued, was gone.. I was forced to find my own happiness and rely totally on myself to see that there is a gift on the inside and that there is so much going on. I was forced to discover who I really am and in order to do so, I had to learn to be true to this person. I know I can be happy anywhere, as long as I'm happy with myself.. Finding out what's real about me, and rebuilding my life, through my body, mind and soul, and relying on this to create the life I long for so much and choosing other external factors that will support and give me the chance to express my internal energy and strength..
It's all about just being true to myself and learning to know what's real and to trust myself again.

A little snooze

It's Friday morning, eating my toast, putting on the weight.. just doing what I do best. Well, not the eating but the fattening up..

Yesterday afternoon I had to go to the dentist, I had a filling. Don't you just hate the needles..Especially when you can actually feel the liquid being squirted into your jaw and spread up your cheek and down the back of your ear..on the inside.. That's just awful. I thought I was going to pass out..I got dizzy and heart was racing..I thought I was a little bit better with needles, seeing as though I get acupuncture done ever week..but no, not that size and not in my mouth..

I was numb for hours, had a headache and I was just really groggy and feeling disgusting. I went to bed when I got home. After I had my toasted cheese sandwich yesterday before I went to the dentist, it was the big question if I was able to eat everything else I was supposed to have..But it went out the window, once I was numbed up.. I wasn't really hungry and my jaw was aching. I probably could have forced myself to eat a proper dinner and all my extra's. But I didn't. Having a sore face was an excuse for me not to have to eat properly..oops.. I've been bold.. I know. But I wasn't really caring.

I was kind of "stuck" yesterday. After acting on my hunger yesterday, for the first time and feeling like I'd been "let loose", I didn't want to push anymore. I know I should have done, but I couldn't. I felt so uneasy and needed to do something for Fay. So I wanted to write, but I couldn't. Everytime I tried to think things through or the analyze the day or to find certain answers, I got a pounding headache. But I felt like I hadn't done enough for Fay. I didn't want the day to end without doing more for her.. This was probably because I had restricted myself food-wise.. I was on-edge and feeling guilty as well for ignoring Anna and for not caring for Fay..

I was in bed, watching some dvds.. I fell asleep for about 10 minutes, I woke up, and everything was instantly different. My head was clear again, there was no guilt, there was no uneasy feeling and there was no panic caused by no doing enough for Fay. Everything was at ease. Just the fact that I didn't keep on wrecking my brains by forcing myself to write and giving myself a pounding head-ache whilst doing so, was supporting Fay and dozing for 10 minutes was giving her energy and clarity.

Usually I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep, for feeling so useless. But I was fine, things had turned around and I slept like a baby. I went to bed telling myself that the next morning I would be thinking even clearer and would be able to make sense of things and I would be constructive towards Fay, which will give me a reason to get up and get through the day.
And that's exactly how it happened. It's like I've got so much clarity in my head, that I can deal with anything, in moderation.. Having a clear mind, makes it possible for me to fight and push a little harder each day. The more good days I have, the more strength I have to push Anna out. The further along I get, the stronger I become which will make it that little bit easier. I suppose you could compare it to weight-lifting. You start off with light ones, in order to train and get used to the lifting. You gradually built up the muscle which makes it possible to lift more. The stronger you get the easier the lifting is. The same goes for inner strength as well. Maybe. Well that's how it feels anyhow.
So I'm going to get on with some "weight-lifting"..

Obeying my hunger-moment..First time

The day has arrived. For the first time in so so long, as well as eating everything on my current food-plan, I'm eating something extra because I'm hungry. Something that I've chosen. Something that wasn't planned. I feel as though I've been let loose. Unleashed..by Anna..or by myself..whoever it is..
It feels awful. It's a total different reason for eating. So far, since I started to rebuild my food-intake, it's been all planned, at set times and set meals, in order for me to get as much nutrients I need.

But this is totally different. I've had my usual breakfast, yogurt with muesli, dried fruit and nuts, orange juice, a slice of toast and my supplement drink. Now, it's 12.30 in the afternoon and I'm feeling hungry again..or maybe I'm just peckish and I'm forcing myself to eat.. I'm not too sure..
I decided to have a slice of bread with some cheese, under the grill. I was dreaming about it the past few nights. Diann wants to me act on my hunger 3 times. This is the first time, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I don't know if I'm supposed to have this instead of my potatoe maybe? or instead of my fruit? I don't know.. And it's awful.. I feel out of control, out of my comfort-zone and it's just so wrong. I was checking the calories on the packet of cheese..but we have lots of different types of cheese and not every packet has a nutrients lable.. So what am I supposed to do? I can't compare.. this is awful and I really shouldn't be doing this. It feels too much.

Third time lucky. The first slice of bread, I burnt..oops.. The second I couldn't bring myself to eat because I discovered a "light cheese"..so now, the third one. This one is going to be a toasted sandwich with half a slice of cheese..
This is harder than I imagined.. But then I suppose it's only as hard as I make it.. I feel fat and full instantly..and I still have to eat it. So maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should wait for another hunger-moment, and act on it a different time.. Maybe this is wrong time for me to be doing this... But the longer I put it off, the more I'll have to eat at the weekend..trying to get in 3 moments of hunger, and that will totally blow my mind.

Yesterday I was talking to Mr. Acupuncturist about it. I was telling him that I'm allowed to have anything I want, that's extra to my food-plan.. He told me, that the herbs I'm taking for the acupuncture are also helping my taste-buds to switch on again, which also explains why the supplement drinks are tasting so sweet. He told me that I should try to be aware of the taste-buds and figure out what it is I'm longing to eat. The flavours I'm craving are the foods I eat..obviously. My taste-buds will be "stimulated" and "trained" or even "challenged" by savoring the different tastes..or something along those lines.. He was talking about the food so passionately. I told him I dreamt about a toasted cheese sandwich and he started telling me how he loves his.. The way he was talking about it..my god you swear he would have made love to it..a cheese sandwich.. His eyes were going mental. It was like he was trying to get through to me, just how precious and how glorious food can be and how much I should appreciate different tastes. I know for a fact that's what he was trying to do. And fair enough, he really got me all geared-up for this sandwich..

So that's what I'm having now. But it's only 1 slice of brown bread with half a "light" easy single with Italian spices dipped in sweet chili sauce. I really wanted white bread, but that was taking it a step too far.. And sweet chili sauce is a lot better than mayonnaise.. Not that I like mayonnaise. I hate it to be honest. It's something that should be forbidden.. But who am I to talk about foods being forbidden, because, let's face it, if I had my way, I'd have all food forbidden..

It's just as well, I'm writing through it, and analyzing it, while I take every bite, or else it would be in the bin, after burning it "accidentally"..
Right, it's gone. I've eaten it.. But now the "fun" starts. Do I have to restrict myself? Do I have to still have my potatoe and tofu sausage? Because now I'm full and I don't want it.. problems, problems, problems..
It's 1 o'clock. I'm going to see how my hunger goes and how I get through the day.. I will have the tofu sausage.. but not too sure about the potatoe..
I can hear Diann asking me now: "Niamh, what would Fay say?".. of course she would tell me to have them both.. But it's easy to answer the question but it's a hell of a lot harder to do it..

Right, that's enough of the toasted cheese sandwich for now..

Nighttime Rambling

It's only been 36 hours since the last time I started working through my thoughts and session with Diann. It was yesterday afternoon. It feels like ages ago..
The week already feels as if it should be over, and I'm only 2 days in.

It's Wednesday night and the past 2 days, I've been so tired. Monday night, I was exhausted after the hour I had with Diann. Yesterday (Tuesday), I was exhausted after writing through everything..
And to make myself a little bit more tired and distraught, I also made the mistake of checking my emails yesterday. I got one from work. It wasn't bad, but it automatically made me feel awful. I was worrying about whether or not to pack it in. I was worrying that they would try to get rid of me. Reading the email just undid all the good I had done. I was feeling so good and then instantly I was feeling awful again. My high was only very short and my low was slightly longer.. I went to bed at 4 in the afternoon and needed to shut off the outside world again. Because I could feel it pulling at me and I needed to be out there, I needed to be part of it. I was suddenly aware that everything is still going on, without me. But I can't be apart of it, not yet. So I switched my mind off and watched hours and hours of dvds and just wanted the day to end.

But what for? What was the point in wanting a day to end, when the next one starts and nothing has changed. It's only a few hours later and the sun has come up. The worries are still there..
Not wanting the next day to start, makes it instantly impossible for me to have a good nights sleep. I was awake at 6 this morning, I was bored, so I got up and sat down stairs for a few hours, reading and waiting for time to pass..as usual..

The time is passing and I feel like something big is about to happen, like it's just around the corner. It's like I'm waiting for something. But there's nothing..well nothing in the near future anyhow. Next week will be like this week, as will the week after that and the one after that. So why do I feel like I'm playing the waiting game? But am I playing the waiting game? Will I suddenly wake up one morning and there it will be.. The thing that I'm looking forward to so much..the one thing I long for the most. How will I know when I it's there waiting for me? I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to be waiting for..

At this very moment, the one thing I'm waiting for and the one thing I long for the most, is my energy. That's all. I've been starting to worry so much that it's gone for good.. The buzzing feeling of excitement over nothing in particular. The power to just run through life. Has that gone for good? Am I going to continue to live life at a snails-pace? Is this the new me? A slow old fatty hamster, that crawls through life.. I don't want that to be me. I want to have energy like I always did. Have I sucked it all out me, forever? I don't know what to do to get it back..I'm eating and resting.. Anything I do, is slow, because I can't go any faster..I feel the pressure in my chest and am nearly out of breath..

When will this feeling go? At the moment, my mind and my body are not "in sync" with each other at all.. On days like today, my head feels so clear that I want to do so much. But I can't and it frustrates me. My body is holding me back from the things I feel I should be doing. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.. because if my body wasn't so drained and lifeless I might not "recharge" my battery fully and recovery would take longer as would rebuilding my strength. I would be using up all my energy and making this process even longer than it already is..
Is this all intentional? I hope so, because if it isn't and if this is the new me, then I'm soooo not happy..

This afternoon I went to acupuncture and I asked him about my energy. He said it has alot to do with the increase in food. My body is still getting used to digesting so much that it's only natural I'll feel drained all the time. But I do need to exert myself lightly, for my circulation..or else the food that I'm eating won't get to do it's job properly.. That makes sense. So he suggested for me to go for a 15 minute walk, at an easy pace, to keep it all ticking along.

This made me feel uneasy even though there's nothing more I'd rather do than go for a walk and not feel like I'm stressed out and under pressure.. Because that's how I feel, even this afternoon when I walking down the town, I probably only walked 15 minutes in total and I was knackered.. But if I keep on putting it off light exercise, then I'll never start building back up the strength in my legs and my back. Sometimes it's so hard to know what's the best thing to do.
Especially when, just before going to acupuncture, I got an email from a friend, saying that she's amazed that I'm still feeling so weak and that it might be because I'm resting so much..

The combination of the email and the conversation about the walking, was enough for me to go insane.. It raised so much bad sh*t.. I felt awful because I automatically thought that I'm trying to make myself worse than i actually am, by resting. But this isn't the case and it frustrates me so much to think that people think that's what I'm doing.. because I'm not. I want to justify myself to everybody now.. Everyone obviously thinks that I'm fine, because I'm eating and therefore I should be back at work.. It's so annoying.. Nobody really knows.. I hate it when this happens.. it's happened so much and I know it won't be the last time either.

It's all just put upon me and I then have to find the energy and strength to rationalize it all. I have to pull every bloody trick out of hat, as by magic, just to get through it and NOT to get active again, because I'm physically not able. Nobody should even try to give me advice on what to do and how much I should exert myself, because nobody is feeling what I'm feeling, nobody knows my body like I do and nobody knows just how bad this whole situation got and how far I've come and how much stronger I already am compared to weeks ago.. It's so unfair and it makes me feel so awful and so angry.

All this going on inside, as well as worrying about work and feeling that I need to make a decision whether to go back to Holland or stay here and when and if I want to go traveling and if so, where to.. All this sh*t going round and round..and there's not a soul that would have noticed.. That's how good I've gotten at being able to have 2 moods going on at the same time.. One on the outside..which is chilled, talkative and pleasant even.. One on the inside..which is stressed and chaotic with bursts of frustration. These 2 exist along side each other. I don't do it intentionally, I'm not wanting to put up a front, because I don't need to, but it just happens.. Here, at home today, nobody knew anything. This only shows that I'm getting better with dealing with the bad feelings caused by external pressure.. Because that's what it is.. pressure from my surroundings. Pressure I really don't need, can't always handle and that causes turmoil inside my head.. I have no control over who triggers this external pressure and how and when..but I have got control internally. I can control how I react and deal with the pressure. It's the only thing I can do..and I'm doing it now.

So this morning I got off to such a rocky start, I was in tears before I left to go to acupuncture. All because of pressure and stress. I hate it so much. And to make myself feel a little bit worse, Mr. Acupuncturist was telling me, again, how well I look.. The "glow"..bla bla bla.. "full cheeks"..bla bla bla.. excuse me.. FULL CHEEKS? Why don't you just call me hamster cheeks instead..because that's the nickname I've already given myself.. I sound so awful, but he's only saying it to make me feel good (but that's not exactly what he's doing though),and he added that my fat cheeks suite me.. or did he say full cheeks..humm..(a person always only hears what she wants to..)But did he expect me to say "thank you?"..I think so, so I didn't, or come to think of it, I , yeah, just to be polite..
Anyhow, the treatment itself was relaxing and relieved a lot of tension and stress I was feeling.

So, now it coming up to the end of another day. Tomorrow we'll all start again. Maybe if I tell myself every morning that it's Monday, then the week will go quicker and I can start a fresh week from next Monday again.. Or maybe I could just stop giving out about everything and read a book until I go to sleep and not care at what time I wake up at in the morning and not think twice about what day it is.. That's probably a better approach.
Ok. That's enough Niamh, as the saying goes "quite while you're ahead"... I'll put Anna away now..
Good night!!

A Blue-Tube. Part 4

We were talking about food, then mood, then how I was feeling during the days..my moods not taken into account.. Tuesday feeling okay. Wednesday feeling tired and drained. Thursday the same and feeling panicky. Then I went to bed on Thursday night..

I knew, when I was lying in bed, that I felt worthless. I felt like I had wasted a day. I had done nothing "constructive" or "productive". I was restless and I wanted Friday to turn out differently. I wanted to have that feeling of "achievement" which would make me deserve to go to sleep. Because, as it was, I wasn't able to sleep for feeling so restless and useless.

I got up on Friday morning. I was doing things, not thinking: "who is driving me?"..or "who is judging me?". I thought that I was keeping busy but at a snails-pace.. Then it was 11 o'clock and I felt like it was nearly dinnertime.. I was exhausted. I took a card from the deck..my daily ritual. The card said: I'll stop moving forward frantically and move forward at an easy pace. Well, I had to laugh. That was just freaky because that's exactly what I was doing.

So I slowed down, I did a little bit of writing and within the space of an hour I had turned my whole drive and way of thinking around, I did a "180".. I was back to feeling fine, pacing myself and not feeling guilty for doing so.
I then switched on the telly. I watched Project Catwalk. A program about designers, starting their careers. These designers were all in competition against each other. The girl who came third was a 46-year-old housewife. She was ecstatic at how far she had come in the competition and was saying how much her sense of self-worth had grown, as well as her self-esteem and how she has discovered so much about herself and realized her passion in life. I sat there, crying my eyes out, because I knew exactly how it feels to be so passionate about something.

I couldn't shake the feeling. I was thinking about feeling so strongly about something, that words are never enough, and the only to way express this love you have for a certain somethings, is by putting your heart and soul into your passion. It's not about achieving or proving that you're a worthy person. But it's about doing what you love to do. If you have so much to give, so much on the inside and you know how it to project it to the outside world, isn't this to be treasured? Just like these designers..they put their heart and soul into creating a garment..they express whatever it is they want, through their designs.. Just like a chef, a dancer, a volunteer.. It's so valuable to realize what your gift is and to be able to use it..

I couldn't stop thinking and I felt so energized..because I knew what it is in life that gives me the same feeling as these designers. I knew my passion..Everything that's inside of me needs to get out and I know how to express it.. Writing.. I love it so much. If I can touch peoples lives through writing, be good at it and enjoy it..Isn't that a gift?
All I can think about is travel and writing.. That's all I want.. I don't know how, where or when.. But I don't need to stress about that. I don't need to worry.. Diann reckons.. "you're already doing the work"..

The rest of Friday I spent in a daze. I was quiet. I think I only spoke 2 sentences. I spent most of the evening in bed, just gazing at the ceiling. My head was calm and I knew I was doing good. I wasn't thinking about the food that was fattening me up. I wasn't worrying about my hamster cheeks and I wasn't analyzing what it is I have to do with my life. My head was divided into neat little "compartments". Everything was in a box. Every chapter of my life was stored away.. Anna was also stored away and I felt fine with it. I was lonely, yes. I was missing my friends and missing my vitality and independence, but I was fine. I could see that I'm able to stare into space and daydream without worrying, whether it be about Anna or about work. I'm capable..

I could see that going through life with yourself as your "main-man", then this relationship has to be stable. Just like any relationship you have, be it with your husband, wife, best friend, or sister.. A relationship needs foundations in order to get through the tough times. Having foundations means loving that person unconditionally. And when times get tough, that's when the love is called upon and when it's needed most. A prime example. Me. I was traveling, away from home, with my family on the other side of the world, I love them and they love me. But then times got hard for me, and there they all were. When I was at my all time low, they were there.. They love me unconditionally and therefore they want the best for me. Having that relationship with yourself is just as important. If I love myself unconditionally..and can call upon that love when I'm at my all time low, then the full circle is complete..

I went to bed on Friday night and as you can imagine, I felt like I'd had an extremely constructive day. I'd done so much, even though most of it, I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling.. So much going on inside..Which, today, is most important. That's where the work is being done and, for now, "it's the place to be"..

There was so much more, but all this, in the space of 50 minutes..Just blew me away. I wasn't able to talk anymore.. It was all "out there", there's nothing more I could do. But so much sense, so much answers to questions that have come up.. Diann is my guiding star, but I'm doing the work.

A Blue-Tube. Part 3

Still sitting with Diann. Rational. Moving my thoughts from my food to my mood.. The two are linked so closely.. So it goes without saying, that all this had an effect on me, in some way.

I went to acupuncture on Wednesday. The treatment itself, wasn't more than last week. It was nice and chilled. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had a chat with Mr. Acupuncturist before the treatment. He said a lot of things that were positive..which also felt like a couple of punches in the face.. He started: "You're looking a little better".. "You're starting to glow".. He then looked at my tongue to see if my "flow" has improved (the links between the organs and the energy channels..or something along those lines).. "Yes..Niamh, I can see a big improvement..".."Well done, you!".. For a moment, or maybe 2, I felt proud of myself. But then I felt awful, instantly. Guilty for feeling good about the good work I've been doing.. Then he said "Niamh, you're getting more fleshy around the ankles..".. WHAT!!! FLESH!!! I don't want to hear about how fat I'm getting thank you very much!!!! FLESHY.. I mean, of all words, don't you think he could have put it a little different.. fleshy.. that makes me sound like I've been transformed into a lump of meat.. that's just WRONG!!
Then he said "But, that's good, that's what you need Niamh"..followed by: "Before long, you'll have legs, and you'll be able to show them off..".. WHAT? LEGS?? My legs are already tree trunks, what is he talking about? They don't need to get any bigger, thank you very much. And as if that wasn't enough, I wanted to feel even worse by asking "What about my feet?".. He said: "Yes, Niamh, they are spreading out aswell". SPREADING OUT?? I don't want my feet to spread out! What's going on man?! But, to be honest, I asked for the last comment, that was my own fault. Anyhow, I was amazed. I didn't know it was possible for a person to loose weight in their feet, but come to think of if I had dropped 1/2 a shoe size..
That was the acupuncture..Never a dull moment..

It could have triggered so much, all these compliments he was throwing at me. Compliments for Fay, but insults for Anna.. I was able to distance myself from them. And from that day, Wednesday, as I went about my business during the day, I started asking myself.. Who is judging me? Who is judging me, whenever I feel proud of myself for 2 seconds? Who is that's telling me, It's too a good a feeling for me to let myself enjoy it? Who isn't letting me laugh at I joke that I find funny? Who is that will tell me I'm a loser for eating a piece of chocolate? Nobody in this entire world..only Anna..which is the voice inside my own head..who is nobody..only a voice. So if I want to feel proud of myself, I will. If I want to have a biscuit, I will. If I want to enjoy myself and laugh, I will. Nobody is stopping me and it doesn't make me a loser or a failure or any less of a person by doing so.

Being able to ask myself this question, each day this week: "Who is judging me?" and answering it, was letting me just be myself.. This meant that I haven't been having major mood-swings, as I have done over the past months. I wasn't too grumpy. I was able to tolerate being around Mam, Sean and Eileen. I was myself. I was almost "normal". I didn't feel bad for feeling normal. Anna wasn't nagging in my ear. It wasn't making me angry that people might be expecting me to act in a certain way or to be in certain mood. I didn't really care. I didn't care what the people around me thought of the mood I was in or what they expected of me.. It's old news.. They know the drill. I am who am, I'm in whatever mood I am. I'm acting how I feel and doing what I want. I'm going through the motions, and dealing with the mood these motions are putting me in. It's as simple as that. And last week, without me putting on an act or pretending to be someone I'm not, I've laughed at jokes. I've interacted with the people around me, I've been switched on.. Even at times when it did feel bad, I was still just "being me".

Beyond my control, I'm dealing with the guilt. Yes, it can feel awful to feel that I'm getting stronger and that I have had good days this week, but if that's how I'm feeling, then that's how I'm feeling. I don't want to act differently, just to live up to expectations. I don't want to tell myself I'm better, because that will only trigger me telling myself I shouldn't be here and I should be working and living a life. I don't want to tell myself I'm getting worse either, because this will only trigger me to lie to myself and in order for this lie to be real, I'd give Anna my power. That's not me and I don't want to be someone I'm not. I am who I am. I'm still here, in Ireland, because I still need to be here. I still have to focus on being myself.. No pushing, no forcing, no pretending. No looking forward, no looking back. Both directions are too scary.. It's still all about the here and now.. It's still all about keeping it real..

Then I look in the mirror. And I have moments of wanting to look good. I want to look and feel on top of the world. I want the "glow" Mr. Acupuncturist was talking about. Looking vibrant and healthy. But then I don't.. I want to look awful and feel like sh*t.. Diann then said that I'm no longer eating to keep my heart ticking and my brain functioning, I'm now eating for vitality and to be fully nourished. It was awful to hear her say that, because I'm so far ahead from where I first started, months ago.. when I WAS actually eating just to keep my heart pumping.. But I can't think about that..I have to block that out, for now anyhow..

Diann understands exactly where I am. She knows that I'm so scared that everything is going to. fast and that it will get out of hand. She even said it, without me having spoken the words. She knew.. But she reassured me.. this is all going at my own pace, my own speed. I'm in control, it's all on my terms. I'm letting it happen, even when it can feel as if I'm not doing anything or when it feels like I can't keep up and it's getting out of control, it's not. It's all Fay's work. Anna would want to make this recovery as long and painful as possible. But Fay wouldn't. It's taking the course it's meant to take..MY COURSE.. Diann can pick up on the speed. She can see it, and she knows that when I feel like I'm suffocating, I know what to do to take it slower. She knows that I can deal with it and that I can see for myself and that I can act on it.. It can all feel so so wrong, but that's what it's all about.. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, and it's not..But it's fine. I can get my head around and I can deal with it. As I write this, I can't tell you how awful it is..

I thought this was the "peak" of our talk. But it wasn't.. There's more..

A Blue-Tube. Part 2

Still sitting with Diann.. Still talking rationally about food. I wasn't too flustered or chaotic or ranting and raving like I can do whenever I've a lot on my wee chest.. But yesterday I felt calm. I don't know what impression I gave.. But I was making sense. Yes, that's what I'm trying to say, I could make sense of everything going on in my head..

So the first half of the week, I was hungry. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I was starting to feel full again, slowly but surely the hunger feeling was disappearing again. My metabolism might have taken a few days off, whereas at the beginning of the week it was working at high-speed..
Still on the subject of food.. By Sunday I felt like a bag of sugar. I felt so disgusting. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I felt hungover.. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol by the way, but still I felt like I'd been boozing. I had my breakfast later than usual. So I was struggling to keep up with everything I had to eat. So by 3 o'clock I decided to have a bowl of muesli. Just for "good measure".. I thought I wanted it, and thought that it would make me feel less full..so I was restricting myself. Once I was finished, I felt worse than I did before I had it. Absolutely disgusting.. It was so sweet and it make me feel sick. I felt weak and I wanted to go back to bed. It's hard to explain exactly how I felt, but it was just YUCK. Then I suddenly realized..O no, I might have totally cured myself from the muesli "fetish" I had.. Muesli was my "thing".. I used to be able to have it for dinner.. and I'd be feeling great. One bowl a day.. Now I can't even have it for lunch. It's not enough. I knew if I would have had a sausage and potatoe instead of the muesli, I would have felt better, I wouldn't have felt sick or weak. I wouldn't have felt like a bag of sugar either..
It was hard to realize that I can no longer live on as little as I used to.. I need carbohydrates and protein. Muesli, is now just something for the morning, I think. Which is normal I suppose.. I was slightly disappointed because I'll probably never enjoy it as much as I used to. Maybe it's just a phase.. But for now, the muesli just belongs in my yogurt..

I carried on feeling awful for the rest of the day and yesterday morning, I still felt like a bag of sugar. Even my supplement drinks were too sweet. Just the thoughts of them would make me want to be sick.. I was thinking about it, during the drive down to Diann and then she said exactly what I though it was. She said that it was probably my taste-buds coming back to life.. My taste for sweet things, got less. So things that would taste really sweet, to me would have tasted normally sweet. Now that they are coming back to life and my taste-buds are working as they used to, everything is really sweet and sugary, because I never really liked sweet things.. Now I feel like I'm on "sugar-overload". It's really not nice. I have this disgusting layer on my tongue, since Saturday..A layer of sugar.. It's like somebody who doesn't like salt..being forced to have so much of it, that it leaves layer on your tongue..O, the thoughts is making me feel ill..
So I've been thinking about wanting to cut down on the drinks.. I would love nothing more than for Diann to say that I don't have to have 3 but I have to have 2.. That's not going to happen just yet. Not until I'm compensating a drink with more food in order to keep up my calorie intake. How annoying..

Other than feeling like a bag of sugar for most of the weekend, I've now even started enjoying my food more. Usually it would only be my breakfast that I would look forward to and enjoy..whether it would make me feel guilty or not.. That's never an issue. But now, just about everything I eat I'm enjoying. Dinners are still tricky, but everything else is so nice. Munching on an apple, drinking fresh juice, dipping a digestive biscuit in my tea, grilling a sweet potato (I could eat this constantly), soy milk (the feeling I get when once I swallow it..it's gorgeous, it makes me feel like I'm doing myself so much good, it's a buzz, not of excitement..but different, can't really explain it)..
Yesterday I said it for the first time outloud. The fact that I've been enjoying food. I can only bring myself to say it to Diann. Nobody else. If anybody thinks they can now comment on my food, just because I'm writing about how much I can enjoy it, then they've got it wrong.. BIG TIME. It's a subject that I can't talk to anybody about. I hate anybody commenting on what I'm eating. Keep them to yourselves..thank you very much.. As long as it's NOT on my plate, or I'm NOT expected to eat it..
But I love looking at cooking programs or reading cooking books or looking at menu's in the pubs. I like cooking as well and preparing the food. It's not like I've got a phobia for it.. I know for a fact some people seem to think that I have and that they can't even mention the word "food" around me.. But this isn't the case. Just don't expect me to eat it, or to say I'm enjoying it or to appreciate when somebody says "What's that you're eating? That looks nice".. O..that makes my blood boil..

This was the whole food thing this week.. But it doesn't stop there.. There's more to come.. To be continued...

A Blue-Tube. Part 1

Going to see Diann on Monday morning as usual..
It's now Tuesday and I've been saving up so much that I now don't quite know where to start.. Well, the beginning might be an option I suppose.

The past week has been pretty good, If I may say so myself, or if Fay may say so..
CONFUSED BY HUNGER...
My eating and the food has been taken to a whole different level. A terrifying one.. I realized on Thursday that I was feeling hungry nearly all the time. I didn't know what to do with this feeling. It was confusing and mind-blowing. I was eating so much and I still wanted more. This started on Monday continued on to Thursday. I didn't know what to do.. I hear you say.. "JUST EAT!". Logical I suppose, because when you're hungry you should eat. But it's not as straight forward as that.. unfortunately. I was scared of overeating and of eating the wrong things. Of course this was Anna.. She didn't want me to obey my hunger. She didn't want me to act on it. She wanted me to ignore it. Like I always have done..

Since the beginning of July I haven't had the chance to feel real hunger because I've always been building up my "daily-menu". My hunger was just never there because it has always been "time to eat".. So I wasn't constantly faced with the fear or the confrontation.."Do I eat or not?". I haven't felt this threatened by hunger...ever. The past months, on an odd occasion I would feel hungry but it wouldn't last, it wouldn't be constant and I wouldn't be strong enough to do anything about it. When Anna was starting to get her claws into me, it was good to feel hunger, it wasn't a threat, it was my friend which gave me power and control. But now, it's supposed to be my friend and I need to act on it. The amount I've been eating in the past 7 days...I haven't eaten so much food since I was working on the farms in Oz, which was February 2007 (which makes so much sense, because that's also when my periods stopped). It's crazy to realize that I was taking in as much food then as I am now..Then I was doing hard labour and I was pyschically strong. Now I'm doing nothing and I'm pyschically weak. I need more food now than I did then as I'm hungry so often. That just goes to show how much life and nutrition I've sucked out of my body since then.. Getting slightly side-tracked..

Back to my hunger..
So what happens now? I was so confused on Thursday, because if I didn't obey my hunger and eat when I felt I needed to, then I was obeying Anna and giving her power and strength.. This is wrong.. But I didn't know what to do.. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday I was starting to feel full again. So I wasn't faced will the hunger, thankfully.

Diann asked me yesterday if I'm ready to take the next in fighting Anna. I didn't know what the next step was.. I didn't really know what she meant.. The next step is... OBEYING MY HUNGER. Can I do this? Can I eat whenever I'm feeling hungry? Can I just walk to the fridge and take out anything I want and eat it? Can I eat something that isn't part of my food-plan? This was the question. The answer: Yes.
Why didn't I do it during the week? Because I was afraid that I wasn't allowed.. I don't know who wasn't going to let me eat it and enjoy it.. Well, it was myself.. or Anna should I say. I was afraid of eating things that are bad for me..afraid of losing control once I start and overeating..afraid of putting on more weight, once I start eating whatever I want, whenever I want.

Diann asked me what it is I'd love to eat.. Well.. I'd love a toasted cheese sandwich.. I haven't had one for so long. Cheese wasn't so much a "forbidden-food", but I'd stay away from it because it can be too nice. I'd love a white roll, with chicken and cheese, heated under the grill and lots of spices..maybe tandoori.. and with onions of course. I could walk to the fridge and make that sandwich if I really wanted to. It's crazy that I'm allowed to do this. The one who "forbade" me from doing this, was Anna.. The one who is now wanting me to have it, is Fay..

Diann said that, this week, she wants me to act on my hunger 3 times. So whenever I'm feeling hungry and I've already had my "daily-menu" I have to have something I want. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as I obey my hunger and ignore Anna. It will be a challenge. Just thinking of it now, is making me panic. But I have to look at it as part of my recovery and it's not for me to get unhealthy or put on weight. It's for me to see that I shouldn't restrict myself from certain foods. The foods that are forbidden are the foods that I should be eating. I have to see it as facing my fears. If I look at it any other way, I'll go insane with the feeling of guilt and failure..
I'm not going to analyze it anymore, just yet.. Maybe later ;)

CHOCOLATE...
I was so worried about chocolate biscuits during the week. It came out of nowhere. There was nobody who said that I have to eat one. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was talking to Diann about this yesterday.. She gave a whole different approach to eating chocolate.

I've never been a big chocolate eater. I used to love a few squares now and then. But I would never overindulge because I don't really have a sweet tooth. The same goes for biscuits. One, maybe two, and that would be enough. But whenever you crave chocolate, whether it's triggered by an add on telly or by writing about it like I'm doing now.. you have to give in. The longer you ignore the craving and the longer you resist, the harder it will be to not overeat. I used to always give in to my chocolate craving and I never felt guilty. For instance, when I was working on the farms, I'd have a Cadburys Freddo (you know the small ones, sometimes with caramel, other times just plain chocolate) once a week or once every two weeks. It was a treat and it would keep me cravings "at bay"..But that was over a year and a half ago. Since then I would only have chocolate whenever people would offer me a piece, just to keep them thinking that I was eating and not on a constant "diet".

Keeping these cravings "at bay" has everything to do with our dopamine levels. These are a "chemical messenger" similar to adrenaline, that affects the brain to experience either pleasure (or pain). People can become addicted to this feeling.. Drugs stimulate this feeling, just like chocolate. If you put off the craving you have for the feeling of pleasure that chocolate can give (women have this more so than men), once you give in, your brain won't let stop you from eating, because it's enjoying it too much. Even though you know you're doing wrong, you still want more and more.. even when you're full and feeling fat, you still can't stop.For your brain to be able to tell you to stop and for you to be able to act on it, you need to keep you dopamine levels up..
I had this uncontrollable feeling once, and it was awful.. It was Easter and I was in my room, alone, and I had one big cadburys easter-egg and a few little ones, the "Easter-Bunny" brought me. I just wanted a little taste.. So I started with a small egg, then I had another, and then another. Then I thought..I'll just have a piece of the big egg.. Before I knew what had happened, it was gone.. THE WHOLE LOT.. I had absolutely no control whatsoever. For a whole week I felt guilty, I felt like a failure and a pig. I couldn't believe how strongly I was able to ignore the hunger as much as I could and how weak I was once I started on the chocolate.. I've experienced the same with nuts as well. I would actually make myself sick on them..
The worst feeling in the world.. I never want that again, ever..

How do you keep your dopamine levels up?.. By giving in to the occasional craving.
So, Diann said that she wants me to have a piece of chocolate during the week. Preferably after dinner, and not alone. If I'm alone, I'll be more likely to overeat(like I did with the easter-eggs) and then I'll feel guilty. Whereas if there are people around, I'm less likely to overindulge. The last time I've had chocolate was the beginning of June, 4 maltesers. For some this might not seem that long for others maybe a lifetime.. For me? I'm not too sure..
So, I have to look at it as protecting myself from overindulging, later on and the longer I put it off, the harder it will be. Again, it's not to make me fat or unhealthy, it's for me to face my fears..yet another one..

So what's happening to me right now? I've been wondering and asking myself this..
Diann said to compare myself to a transparent glass tube, filled with oil. My body was once full of red oil. This is Anna. She was me. Since I started this journey, I've been adding blue oil. This is Fay. Slowly I've been adding the blue, which has been sinking to the bottom making the red oil spill and flow over the top of the tube. The blue oil is being added, more and more and it will overpower the red, with every step. But the blue oil will need patches of the red, in order for it to be more vibrant. This means that the red oil still has a purpose, a positive one. The patches are impossible to erase. They will serve their purpose and will be treasured and seen as adding substance to the blue.
This is what's happening. Whether it's my controlling nature adding the blue or whether It's my natural instinct doing all the work, I don't know.. And, at this moment in time, I'm afraid of the answer.. To be continued..