Every Saturday morning I seem to start off badly. I don't know if it's because things are starting to get too much and I'm needing to talk about things, openly, instead of always only writing about them, as I only let myself talk to Diann about what's going on. Or if it's because it's the weekend..
I loathe them so much. They are the days of the week when everybody enjoys themselves the most, just like I would usually do. During the week I don't really mind that I'm so "isolated". I can deal with it. But at weekends I'm forced to face the fact of how lonely I can be and how much I miss my life. I always try to switch off the fact that it's a Friday night, and that after Friday night comes Saturday night.. I don't want to know about it. Thinking about it, just brings me down even more and now I'm slowly getting stronger, it's harder to switch off the fact that I've got to get through yet Saturday night knowing the world is going wild.
These moments of anger and frustration sometimes only last a short while. I can distance myself from them and turn them around by telling myself.. "This is where I'm supposed to be.." I can also remind myself of how much it would annoy me that people spend their whole lives living towards the weekends and counting down the days to Friday. That is something I would always see as such a waste. People don't appreciate a week-day like they appreciate a weekend-day. But a day is a day isn't it.. People living busy lives only seem to enjoy Saturday and Sunday and all the others days and nights are wished away as they continue to count down the days to the weekend..
Reminding myself every weekend, of how this would annoy me and how strongly I feel against living a life like that, makes it easier for me to get through to Sunday afternoon. But aren't I living the exact same way as I do on weekdays. So what difference does it make for me if I'm dealing with stuff and feeling awful on a Sunday morning at breakfast or on a Friday night at midnight or on a Wednesday afternoon at noon? There is no difference at all, so I shouldn't really care that it's another Saturday I want to party like never before.. These urges are irrelevant really and it doesn't matter because getting through this, will give me the ability to get a life back again and when that happens, I'll continue to NOT be living for the weekends. I hated living like that before, I hate it now and I'll continue to hate it in months to come. So what am I making a big deal about? Just because everyone else only seems to come alive on Friday evening? I come alive whenever my energy comes to the surface, if it's a Monday afternoon at 3 o clock then it's just as valuable and I should cherish it just as much as when I might feel energized on a Thursday night..
It isn't really a problem and I should be grateful for the days I'm feeling good and not just feel I have to grateful for a Saturday and Sunday.. My life, right now, can't be compared to someone who is doing normal daily things. It isn't like that.. For it's like: Each day.. Eating today, to experience tomorrow.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Pyschical state of being
A growing backside and cheeks that are filling..
Everything is filling out..every inch of my body, even my feet. I never knew it was possible to loose weight in your feet, but I did, because they are now getting bigger..My nose? spreading across my face. My ankles..fat. My ribs have disappeared.
But I'm still eating..
I wanted to walk to the garage today. But I haven't gone yet. I would do it for the right reasons, which are to get some fresh air and to just have a stroll.. But I can't bring myself to do it. It's such a big deal and I'm not too sure why. Maybe because of what it represents, but not the actual distance. Whenever I walk around the shopping center, I would walk further than I would if I were to walk to the garage and back. So why can't I bring myself to do it? Maybe I'll be too tired afterwards and feel bad because I've pushed myself. But I need to "test the water" and see how I go. Maybe if I walk up, I'll be setting myself up for a "downer". But if I don't try, then I'll never know, right? I wouldn't be walking to burn calories. I don't want that anymore. Even though the whole morning I've been forcing myself to do things and to slow down at the same time, because I've been unintentionally trying to keep myself busy.. After 20 minutes of doing things, I wanted to go back to bed..(11 o clock in the morning..).
If I walk to the garage I'll need to rest afterwards and maybe I'd prefer to use my energy to do good things for Fay instead of going for the walk.. Things like scrap-booking or reading the brilliant book I bought about a "spiritual journey".
It's strange. I picked my "daily card" just 20 minutes ago, and it said: "Today I'll let go of my need to be anxious and upset and will replace these feelings with calmness. I'll keep moving forward gently, not frantically."
This made me laugh, because that's exactly what I was doing when I took the card from the deck.. So I thought.. No, I'm not going to run around the house or walk to the garage if I don't want to.
Such a big deal..For someone who used to go everywhere and anywhere without a second thought.. Now going the garage is the biggest deal in the world. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out how far along I am. I know more or less how far I am with food.. I know more or less how far I am with breaking the habits.. I know what's needed to be done for me to keep on getting through this (some days it's clearer than others..), but I don't know how my body is, except for the fact that it's getting fatter..
I can only see the difference when I compare it to weeks ago. I can't see the difference within days.. It's not like a tummy bug or the flu.
Do my legs still hurt? When I'm lying down for more than a half an hour, they throb and ache. Now and then I get cramps as well, for no apparent reason and when I'm walking at a slow pace, they don't hurt. They are fragile and often do feel they could give way from underneath me. I think my heart is getting stronger again. But I can only "train" this by keeping myself lightly active. So doing small things around the house is the only thing that I can do. Going outside the house isn't a chore like it used to be. Sometimes I'm more aware of what's going on around me than other times. But the fresh air is nice and it's not my enemy like it was at one stage. I think this just depends on the day and how good I'm feeling. My back only aches now and then. Apparently the more "mobile" I get, the stronger my bone structure will become, which will relieve my back from the strain it's been under due to all the resting I've needed to do. I get dizzy now and then, but not as often as I used to. Sometimes my head will ache and I'll feel fuzzy and dizzy, but it's getting less. My stomach is always swollen but doesn't hurt anymore. The stretching feeling has gone. My energy in general is something I'm not too sure about. Sometimes I think I'm full of energy, but when I then try to do things at a normal speed, I'm wrecked after 10 minutes. Every week, the days after acupuncture, usually Wednesday and Thursday, I'm weak and tired. Then the following days, I feel better and rested and think I can take on the world again.. But "taking on the world" these days, is emptying the dishwasher and changing the quilt on my bed.. And that's about it.
When I'm feeling energized, I hate it, because I feel so bad towards my job. I instantly feel that I should and could be working and that I'm fine again. That's when things can start to go down hill because I try to be active and do all the wrong things.. Frantically trying to move forward when all I'm really doing is setting myself up for a downfall.
It's crazy really, when to think around 8 months ago, I probably weighed the same as I do now, but then I was able to work, party, walk and do everything I wanted. But now.. Nothing. How can something change so drastically?
The body is really such a fragile thing. And sometimes I can actually feel more fragile than I did when I was 7 kilos lighter. During the week I woke up and I just feel so empty and "brittle" (not too sure if that's the right word to use). Then I can feel bad that I could have seriously caused permanent damage to my body. But thankfully I haven't.
Writing all this now, about the pyschical side of things and that I can feel the difference, really does feel awful. But I'm encouraging myself at the same time, by writing this. I'm forcing myself to face the facts, because this is just how it is, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not as strong as I am and I'm not going to make or tell myself and others that I feel worse than I do. I have to be true to what's going. I reckon that's the only way I'll get myself to the end or to the new beginning (it's just how you look at it..) It's confronting and hard for me to put myself through this right now. Not only because I know that everyone who reads this will be pleased and think I'm better and but also because it's proof that I can ignore the feelings of guilt as I "confess" to my pyschical state of being.
As I'm betraying Anna, it feels so wrong and it's so so hard..
Everything is filling out..every inch of my body, even my feet. I never knew it was possible to loose weight in your feet, but I did, because they are now getting bigger..My nose? spreading across my face. My ankles..fat. My ribs have disappeared.
But I'm still eating..
I wanted to walk to the garage today. But I haven't gone yet. I would do it for the right reasons, which are to get some fresh air and to just have a stroll.. But I can't bring myself to do it. It's such a big deal and I'm not too sure why. Maybe because of what it represents, but not the actual distance. Whenever I walk around the shopping center, I would walk further than I would if I were to walk to the garage and back. So why can't I bring myself to do it? Maybe I'll be too tired afterwards and feel bad because I've pushed myself. But I need to "test the water" and see how I go. Maybe if I walk up, I'll be setting myself up for a "downer". But if I don't try, then I'll never know, right? I wouldn't be walking to burn calories. I don't want that anymore. Even though the whole morning I've been forcing myself to do things and to slow down at the same time, because I've been unintentionally trying to keep myself busy.. After 20 minutes of doing things, I wanted to go back to bed..(11 o clock in the morning..).
If I walk to the garage I'll need to rest afterwards and maybe I'd prefer to use my energy to do good things for Fay instead of going for the walk.. Things like scrap-booking or reading the brilliant book I bought about a "spiritual journey".
It's strange. I picked my "daily card" just 20 minutes ago, and it said: "Today I'll let go of my need to be anxious and upset and will replace these feelings with calmness. I'll keep moving forward gently, not frantically."
This made me laugh, because that's exactly what I was doing when I took the card from the deck.. So I thought.. No, I'm not going to run around the house or walk to the garage if I don't want to.
Such a big deal..For someone who used to go everywhere and anywhere without a second thought.. Now going the garage is the biggest deal in the world. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out how far along I am. I know more or less how far I am with food.. I know more or less how far I am with breaking the habits.. I know what's needed to be done for me to keep on getting through this (some days it's clearer than others..), but I don't know how my body is, except for the fact that it's getting fatter..
I can only see the difference when I compare it to weeks ago. I can't see the difference within days.. It's not like a tummy bug or the flu.
Do my legs still hurt? When I'm lying down for more than a half an hour, they throb and ache. Now and then I get cramps as well, for no apparent reason and when I'm walking at a slow pace, they don't hurt. They are fragile and often do feel they could give way from underneath me. I think my heart is getting stronger again. But I can only "train" this by keeping myself lightly active. So doing small things around the house is the only thing that I can do. Going outside the house isn't a chore like it used to be. Sometimes I'm more aware of what's going on around me than other times. But the fresh air is nice and it's not my enemy like it was at one stage. I think this just depends on the day and how good I'm feeling. My back only aches now and then. Apparently the more "mobile" I get, the stronger my bone structure will become, which will relieve my back from the strain it's been under due to all the resting I've needed to do. I get dizzy now and then, but not as often as I used to. Sometimes my head will ache and I'll feel fuzzy and dizzy, but it's getting less. My stomach is always swollen but doesn't hurt anymore. The stretching feeling has gone. My energy in general is something I'm not too sure about. Sometimes I think I'm full of energy, but when I then try to do things at a normal speed, I'm wrecked after 10 minutes. Every week, the days after acupuncture, usually Wednesday and Thursday, I'm weak and tired. Then the following days, I feel better and rested and think I can take on the world again.. But "taking on the world" these days, is emptying the dishwasher and changing the quilt on my bed.. And that's about it.
When I'm feeling energized, I hate it, because I feel so bad towards my job. I instantly feel that I should and could be working and that I'm fine again. That's when things can start to go down hill because I try to be active and do all the wrong things.. Frantically trying to move forward when all I'm really doing is setting myself up for a downfall.
It's crazy really, when to think around 8 months ago, I probably weighed the same as I do now, but then I was able to work, party, walk and do everything I wanted. But now.. Nothing. How can something change so drastically?
The body is really such a fragile thing. And sometimes I can actually feel more fragile than I did when I was 7 kilos lighter. During the week I woke up and I just feel so empty and "brittle" (not too sure if that's the right word to use). Then I can feel bad that I could have seriously caused permanent damage to my body. But thankfully I haven't.
Writing all this now, about the pyschical side of things and that I can feel the difference, really does feel awful. But I'm encouraging myself at the same time, by writing this. I'm forcing myself to face the facts, because this is just how it is, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not as strong as I am and I'm not going to make or tell myself and others that I feel worse than I do. I have to be true to what's going. I reckon that's the only way I'll get myself to the end or to the new beginning (it's just how you look at it..) It's confronting and hard for me to put myself through this right now. Not only because I know that everyone who reads this will be pleased and think I'm better and but also because it's proof that I can ignore the feelings of guilt as I "confess" to my pyschical state of being.
As I'm betraying Anna, it feels so wrong and it's so so hard..
Easy Silence
Listening to the silence
So loud, it could be deafening
Listening to the nothingness
So empty, it could be fulfilling
Listening to the oxygen
So powerful, it could be overbearing
Listening to the stillness
So transparent, it could be vanishing
Silence for a moment
A moment for our peace
Peace for our minds
Our minds for our thoughts
Silence to be appreciated
Silence to feel at ease
Silence in order to see yourself
Silence to know you are deeply pleased
The quietness is so loud you can hear it beat
It's painful but not to be ignored
It's necessary just to make you see
and to confront you with the realization..
is this really me...?
So loud, it could be deafening
Listening to the nothingness
So empty, it could be fulfilling
Listening to the oxygen
So powerful, it could be overbearing
Listening to the stillness
So transparent, it could be vanishing
Silence for a moment
A moment for our peace
Peace for our minds
Our minds for our thoughts
Silence to be appreciated
Silence to feel at ease
Silence in order to see yourself
Silence to know you are deeply pleased
The quietness is so loud you can hear it beat
It's painful but not to be ignored
It's necessary just to make you see
and to confront you with the realization..
is this really me...?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Don't speak
I can't say a word regarding my physical or mental state
If my thoughts pass my lips I'll be charge an extortionate rate
It's still too soon to open up and and let it all spill
So I avoid the subject and only write about potential thrill
One hour a week, is the only time I'm allowed to speak
It's the time for me to climb upwards, no matter how steep
Apart from that hour, my thoughts are the forbidden sound
But until I let them out, they firmly stand their ground
Is the elephant still in the room of my wild imagination
Is "talking" been classed as the silently resisted temptation
Whatever the answer, please don't speak about it, don't even try
Because every word, gesture or emotion I hear, is enough to make me cry
If my thoughts pass my lips I'll be charge an extortionate rate
It's still too soon to open up and and let it all spill
So I avoid the subject and only write about potential thrill
One hour a week, is the only time I'm allowed to speak
It's the time for me to climb upwards, no matter how steep
Apart from that hour, my thoughts are the forbidden sound
But until I let them out, they firmly stand their ground
Is the elephant still in the room of my wild imagination
Is "talking" been classed as the silently resisted temptation
Whatever the answer, please don't speak about it, don't even try
Because every word, gesture or emotion I hear, is enough to make me cry
Biscuits & Butter - Protein & Problems
Another dream..
I was sitting with Diann, I was crying my eyes out, trying to tell her about my fear of chocolate biscuits and Mam was sitting there, and she was laughing at me. Then Diann starting laughing and saying to Mam: "There's a trick to have to use, to stop yourself from laughing whenever she talks shit..just think of other sad things, then it looks like you care".
I stormed out of the room, and missed 15 minutes of the session. When I came back into the room, the hour was up and we had to leave.
Maybe I read too much into dreams.. But all the dreams I've been having, seem to be what I think of myself, but these thoughts are being acted out by the people around me. Mam laughing at me, is just me laughing at myself..because I constantly think that I'm fooling myself and the world around me. I constantly think that it's all exaggerated and that there' nothing wrong. I constantly think that I'm just putting on an act. The thoughts I have about a chocolate biscuit are just silly and of course, why wouldn't other people laugh if they heard how much it worries me. Because it's pathetic, right? Yeah, it is..
I've been thinking about a chocolate biscuit so much the past few days, because we had a packet in the cupboard. Cadbury's chocolate chip biscuits. Doesn't the name just make you drool? It's not yet part of my "food-plan" to have a chocolate biscuit. But if I wanted to, I could have one. Right now, I could walk to the cupboard, and take a biscuit and either enjoy it or feel guilty. It's head-wrecking that it could be so easy. All of a sudden it's allowed..But why? Who says? Diann? the world? me? Forbidden foods are no longer forbidden. Foods that scare me, are the things I SHOULD be eating. This would probably make some people jealous, the fact that you MUST eat a chocolate biscuit or have other fatty things.. It could sound like heaven to some people..getting permission to eat chocolate from whoever it was that once said there was a law against eating chocolate and enjoying it.. I don't know who made chocolate "illegal" and I don't know who has suddenly decided that it's now "legal"..
It's so so wrong.
I just had my piece of toast. Diann said a few weeks ago, when it was first added on to my "daily menu" that I was to have either butter OR something else on it. I didn't yet have to have both, but I had to have something on it.. Bummer, I would have preferred it dry.. But I've been having butter. Then this morning, the low fat butter I've been having, was gone. O no, we now have Dairygold.. It was now jumping out of the fridge at me, screaming to be eaten. It's creamy and full in fat. So I told myself.."I can do this, just get on with it and don't think about it" and I made the toast and just put a scraping of Dairygold, full fat, creamy butter..then I started to compare butter with peanut butter.. And to my surprise, peanut butter contains less calories and less saturated fat than the full fat butter. So of course, me being me, I made another slice of toast, threw the other in the bin (sorry Mam, I was a bit of waster..) and had a slice with peanut butter. I knew if I would have had the normal butter that it would haunt me for the rest of the day..
It's not everyday that I wouldn't have been able to make peace with the full fat butter, but today I'm fat. So I don't want to put more unnecessary grease into my body. I think they'll be sending me to a fat camp pretty soon.. I'm so disgusting but I'm still stuffing my face and ignoring every bit of me that is telling me how awful I am by doing so.. annoying..
I'm getting extra protein as well, since Saturday. The usual supplement drinks I've been drinking, have 11 grams of protein. But I've now got 6 supplement drinks with 20 grams of protein. It's only temporary and I've drank nearly all of them, spreading them out over the week. I have one of these in the morning, so I'll "use" it up the extra protein during the day (not that I'm doing anything, but it's just for my peace of mind), and the 2nd and 3rd supplements are the drinks I'm used to. It's silly really, and I should just force myself to forget about it. Some days I can, others I can't (like today).
I'm hungry, again. I just had my toast and supplement with extra protein. It's 12.30 and I want more food. What am I going to do? Diann said to me weeks ago, if I want to add things on, or try different foods, then I can do it, I don't have to wait for her to tell me.. But I can't bring myself to eat more. Even though I'm hungry. Since Monday I've been hungry, all the time. Every time I'm finished my meal, I instantly want more. It's making me crazy, because all I can think of is food, all I want is food..more and more..
When I'm finished my breakfast, I dread the thoughts of having to wait a full 24 hours before it's time to have the muesli again. I enjoy it so much (I even have dreams about it, and wake up in the middle of the night and would be tempted to get up and have a bowl..) and would love to have more, once I've scrapped the bowl. But I'm not allowed because I'll start to binge and eat uncontrollably and then I'll feel guilty and stop myself eating the rest of the day to compensate. What am I supposed to do? Then I thought, maybe if I have a different yogurt with my muesli, instead of the low fat one I'm having now. If I get 60 more calories from that in the morning, it might help me to control the hunger..
I don't know what to do, and I'm scared that I'll be teaching myself the wrong new eating habits which my body will get used to and see as normal and then I'll have built up my body in the wrong way and that will be me set up "wrongly" for life..
So, what's the best thing to do? To keep on stuffing my face and feel fat and guilty and then start compensating? But that's Anna's work.. and therefore it's wrong.. This week it's just been a struggle to get through the day without giving in to having more food that I supposedly need. But doesn't that mean I'm supporting Anna? By ignoring hunger, aren't I giving Anna strength? But isn't it nicer to not feel full when you sit down to a meal? Doesn't that mean that you enjoy it more? When I have to eat and I'm feeling full, I shouldn't be enjoying it, because the food isn't needed, however when I'm hungry and I eat, I have the "right" to enjoy it more because the food is needed and it therefore feels better. Is Anna in control or is it Fay? Am I restricting myself from what I need or am I healthily controlling my food intake? I don't know whats "normal" anymore and I don't know what's "healthy" either..
I was sitting with Diann, I was crying my eyes out, trying to tell her about my fear of chocolate biscuits and Mam was sitting there, and she was laughing at me. Then Diann starting laughing and saying to Mam: "There's a trick to have to use, to stop yourself from laughing whenever she talks shit..just think of other sad things, then it looks like you care".
I stormed out of the room, and missed 15 minutes of the session. When I came back into the room, the hour was up and we had to leave.
Maybe I read too much into dreams.. But all the dreams I've been having, seem to be what I think of myself, but these thoughts are being acted out by the people around me. Mam laughing at me, is just me laughing at myself..because I constantly think that I'm fooling myself and the world around me. I constantly think that it's all exaggerated and that there' nothing wrong. I constantly think that I'm just putting on an act. The thoughts I have about a chocolate biscuit are just silly and of course, why wouldn't other people laugh if they heard how much it worries me. Because it's pathetic, right? Yeah, it is..
I've been thinking about a chocolate biscuit so much the past few days, because we had a packet in the cupboard. Cadbury's chocolate chip biscuits. Doesn't the name just make you drool? It's not yet part of my "food-plan" to have a chocolate biscuit. But if I wanted to, I could have one. Right now, I could walk to the cupboard, and take a biscuit and either enjoy it or feel guilty. It's head-wrecking that it could be so easy. All of a sudden it's allowed..But why? Who says? Diann? the world? me? Forbidden foods are no longer forbidden. Foods that scare me, are the things I SHOULD be eating. This would probably make some people jealous, the fact that you MUST eat a chocolate biscuit or have other fatty things.. It could sound like heaven to some people..getting permission to eat chocolate from whoever it was that once said there was a law against eating chocolate and enjoying it.. I don't know who made chocolate "illegal" and I don't know who has suddenly decided that it's now "legal"..
It's so so wrong.
I just had my piece of toast. Diann said a few weeks ago, when it was first added on to my "daily menu" that I was to have either butter OR something else on it. I didn't yet have to have both, but I had to have something on it.. Bummer, I would have preferred it dry.. But I've been having butter. Then this morning, the low fat butter I've been having, was gone. O no, we now have Dairygold.. It was now jumping out of the fridge at me, screaming to be eaten. It's creamy and full in fat. So I told myself.."I can do this, just get on with it and don't think about it" and I made the toast and just put a scraping of Dairygold, full fat, creamy butter..then I started to compare butter with peanut butter.. And to my surprise, peanut butter contains less calories and less saturated fat than the full fat butter. So of course, me being me, I made another slice of toast, threw the other in the bin (sorry Mam, I was a bit of waster..) and had a slice with peanut butter. I knew if I would have had the normal butter that it would haunt me for the rest of the day..
It's not everyday that I wouldn't have been able to make peace with the full fat butter, but today I'm fat. So I don't want to put more unnecessary grease into my body. I think they'll be sending me to a fat camp pretty soon.. I'm so disgusting but I'm still stuffing my face and ignoring every bit of me that is telling me how awful I am by doing so.. annoying..
I'm getting extra protein as well, since Saturday. The usual supplement drinks I've been drinking, have 11 grams of protein. But I've now got 6 supplement drinks with 20 grams of protein. It's only temporary and I've drank nearly all of them, spreading them out over the week. I have one of these in the morning, so I'll "use" it up the extra protein during the day (not that I'm doing anything, but it's just for my peace of mind), and the 2nd and 3rd supplements are the drinks I'm used to. It's silly really, and I should just force myself to forget about it. Some days I can, others I can't (like today).
I'm hungry, again. I just had my toast and supplement with extra protein. It's 12.30 and I want more food. What am I going to do? Diann said to me weeks ago, if I want to add things on, or try different foods, then I can do it, I don't have to wait for her to tell me.. But I can't bring myself to eat more. Even though I'm hungry. Since Monday I've been hungry, all the time. Every time I'm finished my meal, I instantly want more. It's making me crazy, because all I can think of is food, all I want is food..more and more..
When I'm finished my breakfast, I dread the thoughts of having to wait a full 24 hours before it's time to have the muesli again. I enjoy it so much (I even have dreams about it, and wake up in the middle of the night and would be tempted to get up and have a bowl..) and would love to have more, once I've scrapped the bowl. But I'm not allowed because I'll start to binge and eat uncontrollably and then I'll feel guilty and stop myself eating the rest of the day to compensate. What am I supposed to do? Then I thought, maybe if I have a different yogurt with my muesli, instead of the low fat one I'm having now. If I get 60 more calories from that in the morning, it might help me to control the hunger..
I don't know what to do, and I'm scared that I'll be teaching myself the wrong new eating habits which my body will get used to and see as normal and then I'll have built up my body in the wrong way and that will be me set up "wrongly" for life..
So, what's the best thing to do? To keep on stuffing my face and feel fat and guilty and then start compensating? But that's Anna's work.. and therefore it's wrong.. This week it's just been a struggle to get through the day without giving in to having more food that I supposedly need. But doesn't that mean I'm supporting Anna? By ignoring hunger, aren't I giving Anna strength? But isn't it nicer to not feel full when you sit down to a meal? Doesn't that mean that you enjoy it more? When I have to eat and I'm feeling full, I shouldn't be enjoying it, because the food isn't needed, however when I'm hungry and I eat, I have the "right" to enjoy it more because the food is needed and it therefore feels better. Is Anna in control or is it Fay? Am I restricting myself from what I need or am I healthily controlling my food intake? I don't know whats "normal" anymore and I don't know what's "healthy" either..
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Wednesday Morning Again
I had a dream last night. Surprise surprise, it was about food..SHOCK!!
I was eating yogurt, loads and loads of it. But it was fine, I wasn't feeling bad or hating it. In my dream, there was ice cream as well, and I remember considering eating it or not, but I didn't, I just had different flavours of frozen yogurt. It was nice. But I was different. I was laughing and a snob at the same time. I was "up-myself".. loving myself too much and my mates didn't want to know me anymore. They ignored me. Then Eileen popped up and told me that I was a fat cow and I do nothing but eat all day long. So the enjoyment of the frozen yogurt kind of went out the window..my bubble burst..
I'm eating a slice of toast right now, feeling okay, but fat with it.. Getting dressed and choosing clothes in the morning is more confronting these days..Tight clothes should be a no go because they show how fat I'm getting, which makes me feel conscious. Wearing baggy clothes hides everything.. People can't look at my stomach and judge how healthy I'm getting, because that's what they do if they get the chance... I used to never care what other people would think when they looked at me or my figure. But that's different now. Wearing clothes that hide my fat, don't look nice. They make me look like I've no fashion sense at all.. Which doesn't make me happy either. So tight clothes make me feel self-conscious and baggy clothes make me feel awful aswell. So what do I wear? I should wear what I want. But it's not that simple..
I would love to go on a shopping spree, all by myself, and just shop and buy whatever it is I want.. I don't want to have anybody there thinking they need to hold my hand. This makes me feel like a 10-year old and makes me feel incompetent. I don't want to need anybody else's opinion. I just want to do it by myself.. But I can't. There's not a chance that I'll be able to go shopping, walk around, try on clothes and make my own choices and feel fine about it. I'd fall down in a heap after an hour, with exhaustion and stress.
Anyhow, that's just a small little thing..Nothing major really. I'll just continue to sit on my backside and think and eat..
The past 2 days, I've been getting over the "hustle and bustle" of the weekend. Monday I was so tired. Only looking back now, I can hardly remember sitting with Diann at 09.30 on Monday morning. I can't remember half the things she said or what I said even though we were there for an hour.. I DO remember I was giving out about the roast..
There was something Diann said. The past 2 days I could remember her starting the sentence, but I couldn't figure out what it was she had said..It was like my mind had just totally blocked it out.. She started the sentence by saying: "You might be at the stage of your recovery when...". The rest of the sentence was blank. Gone.. Until this morning. I woke up and was still trying to remember what it was she said about what stage I'm at.. and then it just popped into my head. She said: "You might be at the stage in your recovery, when your nutritional intake has to be increased in order to keep your recovery and whole the process going." I'm just figuring out now what it is she meant by that..
Body and mind need to be "in sync" with each other. If my metabolism is speeding up, my food intake will need to be increased. This is to keep on rebuilding strength and to keep my mind clear and to keep the process going. We've been increasing my food-intake weekly, up until 2 weeks ago. My metabolism might be faster, but I'm still bloated and full and feel like the food in going nowhere, because I'm not going to the toilet properly. But this could also be to do with the fact that my body is taking so much from the food I'm eating, that there is hardly any waste, so therefore going to the toilet isn't something that is easy or frequent (not the nicest of subjects, but it has to be dealt with)..
To keep my mind thinking clearly and to stay focused, nutrition is needed.. To rebuild tissue and put on weight, nutrition is needed.. At the moment I'm taking in around 2500calories a day. Diann said that more often than not, people recovering can need up to 4000 calories, to keep everything up to speed and to be able to deal with everything, both mentally and pyschically..
My food was really stuck the past week, so we haven't added on anything extra this week. But if I'm honest, before yesterday I haven't had one day when I've eaten absolutely everything I was supposed to. Anything that I've missed has only been either a glass of juice or maybe a piece of fruit or now and then a slice of toast. Yesterday, I was hungry, just like Monday.. It was so strange. Every time I'd finished eating, I was counting down to the next thing I had to eat. Hungry and being able to eat and digesting it, that's what I felt was happening to me yesterday and the day before.
So now my food-plan is:
-Yogurt, muesli, dried fruit and nuts
-Orange juice
-Toast
-Supplement Drink
-Sweet potato
-Tofu sausage
-Fruit
-Supplement Drink
-Muesli Bar
-Dinner
-Glass of milk
-Digestive biscuit
-Supplement Drink
If I get through this week, and don't miss a thing, and I'm still hungry, then I do need more food. It's so strange..Because I feel like I'm eating so much already..
Diann was also saying, that negative thinking and the obsessive thinking and analyzing is related to low weight as well. She can tell by talking to someone who is recovering, if they've lost weight or not. Positive thinking is fueled by nutrition..And maybe people in my situation can never have too much nutrition be get through each day without going insane. Thinking positively and clearly, keeps Fay on my side which keeps me eating. Positive thoughts motivate the recovery. When, at the same time, putting on weight feels awful, it's still keeps the recovery ticking along..Whereas staying the same weight or losing it, only works against the recovery.. Thoughts and weight support each other. Weight loss leads to negative thoughts.. A low weight makes us less able to deal and fight Anna..
So, I'll try to be more aware of my digestive system this week, and see if it changes much this week..
I was eating yogurt, loads and loads of it. But it was fine, I wasn't feeling bad or hating it. In my dream, there was ice cream as well, and I remember considering eating it or not, but I didn't, I just had different flavours of frozen yogurt. It was nice. But I was different. I was laughing and a snob at the same time. I was "up-myself".. loving myself too much and my mates didn't want to know me anymore. They ignored me. Then Eileen popped up and told me that I was a fat cow and I do nothing but eat all day long. So the enjoyment of the frozen yogurt kind of went out the window..my bubble burst..
I'm eating a slice of toast right now, feeling okay, but fat with it.. Getting dressed and choosing clothes in the morning is more confronting these days..Tight clothes should be a no go because they show how fat I'm getting, which makes me feel conscious. Wearing baggy clothes hides everything.. People can't look at my stomach and judge how healthy I'm getting, because that's what they do if they get the chance... I used to never care what other people would think when they looked at me or my figure. But that's different now. Wearing clothes that hide my fat, don't look nice. They make me look like I've no fashion sense at all.. Which doesn't make me happy either. So tight clothes make me feel self-conscious and baggy clothes make me feel awful aswell. So what do I wear? I should wear what I want. But it's not that simple..
I would love to go on a shopping spree, all by myself, and just shop and buy whatever it is I want.. I don't want to have anybody there thinking they need to hold my hand. This makes me feel like a 10-year old and makes me feel incompetent. I don't want to need anybody else's opinion. I just want to do it by myself.. But I can't. There's not a chance that I'll be able to go shopping, walk around, try on clothes and make my own choices and feel fine about it. I'd fall down in a heap after an hour, with exhaustion and stress.
Anyhow, that's just a small little thing..Nothing major really. I'll just continue to sit on my backside and think and eat..
The past 2 days, I've been getting over the "hustle and bustle" of the weekend. Monday I was so tired. Only looking back now, I can hardly remember sitting with Diann at 09.30 on Monday morning. I can't remember half the things she said or what I said even though we were there for an hour.. I DO remember I was giving out about the roast..
There was something Diann said. The past 2 days I could remember her starting the sentence, but I couldn't figure out what it was she had said..It was like my mind had just totally blocked it out.. She started the sentence by saying: "You might be at the stage of your recovery when...". The rest of the sentence was blank. Gone.. Until this morning. I woke up and was still trying to remember what it was she said about what stage I'm at.. and then it just popped into my head. She said: "You might be at the stage in your recovery, when your nutritional intake has to be increased in order to keep your recovery and whole the process going." I'm just figuring out now what it is she meant by that..
Body and mind need to be "in sync" with each other. If my metabolism is speeding up, my food intake will need to be increased. This is to keep on rebuilding strength and to keep my mind clear and to keep the process going. We've been increasing my food-intake weekly, up until 2 weeks ago. My metabolism might be faster, but I'm still bloated and full and feel like the food in going nowhere, because I'm not going to the toilet properly. But this could also be to do with the fact that my body is taking so much from the food I'm eating, that there is hardly any waste, so therefore going to the toilet isn't something that is easy or frequent (not the nicest of subjects, but it has to be dealt with)..
To keep my mind thinking clearly and to stay focused, nutrition is needed.. To rebuild tissue and put on weight, nutrition is needed.. At the moment I'm taking in around 2500calories a day. Diann said that more often than not, people recovering can need up to 4000 calories, to keep everything up to speed and to be able to deal with everything, both mentally and pyschically..
My food was really stuck the past week, so we haven't added on anything extra this week. But if I'm honest, before yesterday I haven't had one day when I've eaten absolutely everything I was supposed to. Anything that I've missed has only been either a glass of juice or maybe a piece of fruit or now and then a slice of toast. Yesterday, I was hungry, just like Monday.. It was so strange. Every time I'd finished eating, I was counting down to the next thing I had to eat. Hungry and being able to eat and digesting it, that's what I felt was happening to me yesterday and the day before.
So now my food-plan is:
-Yogurt, muesli, dried fruit and nuts
-Orange juice
-Toast
-Supplement Drink
-Sweet potato
-Tofu sausage
-Fruit
-Supplement Drink
-Muesli Bar
-Dinner
-Glass of milk
-Digestive biscuit
-Supplement Drink
If I get through this week, and don't miss a thing, and I'm still hungry, then I do need more food. It's so strange..Because I feel like I'm eating so much already..
Diann was also saying, that negative thinking and the obsessive thinking and analyzing is related to low weight as well. She can tell by talking to someone who is recovering, if they've lost weight or not. Positive thinking is fueled by nutrition..And maybe people in my situation can never have too much nutrition be get through each day without going insane. Thinking positively and clearly, keeps Fay on my side which keeps me eating. Positive thoughts motivate the recovery. When, at the same time, putting on weight feels awful, it's still keeps the recovery ticking along..Whereas staying the same weight or losing it, only works against the recovery.. Thoughts and weight support each other. Weight loss leads to negative thoughts.. A low weight makes us less able to deal and fight Anna..
So, I'll try to be more aware of my digestive system this week, and see if it changes much this week..
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A glass of wine and a roast dinner
Alcohol and a roast dinner. Doesn't that sound lovely? Maybe it does, but to me, it sounds like torture. On Saturday night, I was in the pub with Emma and Mam and we were just chatting and talking. I was feeling pretty okay. I had switched off all the guilt feelings, but I knew they would catch me in the end..
Before Saturday night, it was over 8 weeks since I'd had a drop of alcohol. It might sound real bad, but I've never gone for so long with alcohol since I was 16 I reckon. So, Saturday night, I wasn't sure what to have.. a glass of rose, or wine, or a beer or just a water.. I started with a water. I didn't really care. I felt that having alcohol would mean failing. This is so silly, because I'm not addicted to alcohol.. It's not like I have to stay away from it. So why all of a sudden was it such a big deal for me to have it or not? Over the past year, no matter how much I've restricted myself from eating, I never restricted on my alcohol consumption. Maybe now that I'm eating so much and not letting Anna take over that area of my life, I'm now restricting myself with alcohol? I actually know that's the reason as well as me enjoying it too much which means I'm not allowed it. Anna thinks.. you're eating so I've lost control but I can still control you in other areas, and alcohol is one of them.. It's the same with having a conversation, laughing and enjoying other peoples company. She still wants to control me in those areas as well. Some days it worse than others. Some days I can switch her off and let myself smile or laugh at something. Other days I haven't the energy to switch her off and she's in control and makes me an awful person.
Saturday night, I ended up having a whiskey. It was real nice but I did feel a little guilty for enjoying it so much. I didn't know why I gave in... Then the talks started about a roast that Mam and Emma were going to cook on Sunday afternoon.. That combined with me drinking such a nice drink, chatting, enjoying myself and after feeling so normal on Friday and Saturday, was all a bit much.
Sunday morning, I didn't really want to see anybody, I didn't want to speak or do anything. I didn't want to eat and certainly wasn't going to be nice and chirpy if everyone was expecting me to.. which they were. Why? Because just the meaning of the word "roast" says: happy, food, drinks, company, chatting..bla bla bla.. That sounds like torture, even when I'm writing about it now, it's making me so angry.. I spent most of the day in bed on Sunday, I needed to be alone, I was hating everybody and everything and I was exhausted. Once it came to the dreaded meal, I felt I had to make an effort, but I hated it so much.
There was this massive, greasy leg of lamb.. Oh my god, the sight of it made me want to throw up.. and just thinking about it now, is making me feel ill.. and then there were spuds and everyone was just eating and enjoying it with loads of butter and gravey.. how wrong, how gross.. and then offering me wine.. NO WAY!! Drinking a glass of wine with dinner, means you have to enjoy your dinner, you have to chat, you have to be happy and be merry.. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! How am I supposed to be pleased to sit down at the table, eat 2 tofu sausages, with some sweet potato and vegetables swimming in oil... Isn't it enough that I'm putting grease in my body, but then I'm also expected to put alcohol in there as well?! What do you think I am..wonder woman?? It's making me feel angry and sick...
Anyhow, it was awful. Dinnertimes can be either really difficult or bearable. But Sunday was just so bad, because there was so much pressure for me to join in the fun and food.. Sorry, but at this moment in time, food and fun do NOT fit in the same sentence..
The last time I went out for dinner was in June. I used to be fine with it. But ever since I've come back to Ireland, I don't want to think about going out for a meal and drinking wine. Why is it that it never used to be a problem, even when I was restricting myself, and now it is? I don't know why this is.. Maybe because I don't have to lie about it anymore and hide that I hate meals. Back then I was hiding and lying. But that was fine and I would love going out and talking for hours drinking wine and being merry and eating. But that's changed. It should come back again. It's just that I never realized it had become a problem, because I don't have a social life or any friends here to do this with. After this weekend I've only realized that it's now also a restriction. Maybe it's just as well that I don't have any mates here.. That way I don't have to deal with it.. I'm not supposed to be discovering or creating more restrictions for myself.. I'm supposed to be breaking them down and doing the things I enjoy.. How annoying. That's another restriction added to my list..It's getting longer again..
Before Saturday night, it was over 8 weeks since I'd had a drop of alcohol. It might sound real bad, but I've never gone for so long with alcohol since I was 16 I reckon. So, Saturday night, I wasn't sure what to have.. a glass of rose, or wine, or a beer or just a water.. I started with a water. I didn't really care. I felt that having alcohol would mean failing. This is so silly, because I'm not addicted to alcohol.. It's not like I have to stay away from it. So why all of a sudden was it such a big deal for me to have it or not? Over the past year, no matter how much I've restricted myself from eating, I never restricted on my alcohol consumption. Maybe now that I'm eating so much and not letting Anna take over that area of my life, I'm now restricting myself with alcohol? I actually know that's the reason as well as me enjoying it too much which means I'm not allowed it. Anna thinks.. you're eating so I've lost control but I can still control you in other areas, and alcohol is one of them.. It's the same with having a conversation, laughing and enjoying other peoples company. She still wants to control me in those areas as well. Some days it worse than others. Some days I can switch her off and let myself smile or laugh at something. Other days I haven't the energy to switch her off and she's in control and makes me an awful person.
Saturday night, I ended up having a whiskey. It was real nice but I did feel a little guilty for enjoying it so much. I didn't know why I gave in... Then the talks started about a roast that Mam and Emma were going to cook on Sunday afternoon.. That combined with me drinking such a nice drink, chatting, enjoying myself and after feeling so normal on Friday and Saturday, was all a bit much.
Sunday morning, I didn't really want to see anybody, I didn't want to speak or do anything. I didn't want to eat and certainly wasn't going to be nice and chirpy if everyone was expecting me to.. which they were. Why? Because just the meaning of the word "roast" says: happy, food, drinks, company, chatting..bla bla bla.. That sounds like torture, even when I'm writing about it now, it's making me so angry.. I spent most of the day in bed on Sunday, I needed to be alone, I was hating everybody and everything and I was exhausted. Once it came to the dreaded meal, I felt I had to make an effort, but I hated it so much.
There was this massive, greasy leg of lamb.. Oh my god, the sight of it made me want to throw up.. and just thinking about it now, is making me feel ill.. and then there were spuds and everyone was just eating and enjoying it with loads of butter and gravey.. how wrong, how gross.. and then offering me wine.. NO WAY!! Drinking a glass of wine with dinner, means you have to enjoy your dinner, you have to chat, you have to be happy and be merry.. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! How am I supposed to be pleased to sit down at the table, eat 2 tofu sausages, with some sweet potato and vegetables swimming in oil... Isn't it enough that I'm putting grease in my body, but then I'm also expected to put alcohol in there as well?! What do you think I am..wonder woman?? It's making me feel angry and sick...
Anyhow, it was awful. Dinnertimes can be either really difficult or bearable. But Sunday was just so bad, because there was so much pressure for me to join in the fun and food.. Sorry, but at this moment in time, food and fun do NOT fit in the same sentence..
The last time I went out for dinner was in June. I used to be fine with it. But ever since I've come back to Ireland, I don't want to think about going out for a meal and drinking wine. Why is it that it never used to be a problem, even when I was restricting myself, and now it is? I don't know why this is.. Maybe because I don't have to lie about it anymore and hide that I hate meals. Back then I was hiding and lying. But that was fine and I would love going out and talking for hours drinking wine and being merry and eating. But that's changed. It should come back again. It's just that I never realized it had become a problem, because I don't have a social life or any friends here to do this with. After this weekend I've only realized that it's now also a restriction. Maybe it's just as well that I don't have any mates here.. That way I don't have to deal with it.. I'm not supposed to be discovering or creating more restrictions for myself.. I'm supposed to be breaking them down and doing the things I enjoy.. How annoying. That's another restriction added to my list..It's getting longer again..
Flying high
Fay wants to fly high, in her blue skies.
She won't mind the clouds she must to go through or the storms she has to face.. She won't mind having to sit on a branch, sheltering from the rain, and resting while the gale force winds die down and for the storm blows over.
These storms will make her appreciate the blue skies even more. She's dealt with bad weather before and has only become stronger by doing so. She can do it again and it doesn't make her scared. She could avoid the stormy weathers but in order to reach her destination she must face them. The storms are an adventure in itself. They can push her to her limits, giving her more awareness of herself and her ability to survive. Choosing to avoid the storms, is taking the easy way and this just isn't her nature.
Alone, she wants to go and she doesn't need to prove that's she's capable. She already knows this. The ones who are important also know this. So they are happy to see her go, and to let her be free. The ones that are important feel at ease and so does Fay. They know she can make it alone. They are happy to see her live the life she has longed so much for.
She can follow her heart and do what feels right because that's all she's ever wanted.
Fay wants independence and freedom and she'll get them both by showing courage and strength.
Fay will fly again, but is waiting for the storm to ease which will clear the road ahead. Patience is a virtue..
She won't mind the clouds she must to go through or the storms she has to face.. She won't mind having to sit on a branch, sheltering from the rain, and resting while the gale force winds die down and for the storm blows over.
These storms will make her appreciate the blue skies even more. She's dealt with bad weather before and has only become stronger by doing so. She can do it again and it doesn't make her scared. She could avoid the stormy weathers but in order to reach her destination she must face them. The storms are an adventure in itself. They can push her to her limits, giving her more awareness of herself and her ability to survive. Choosing to avoid the storms, is taking the easy way and this just isn't her nature.
Alone, she wants to go and she doesn't need to prove that's she's capable. She already knows this. The ones who are important also know this. So they are happy to see her go, and to let her be free. The ones that are important feel at ease and so does Fay. They know she can make it alone. They are happy to see her live the life she has longed so much for.
She can follow her heart and do what feels right because that's all she's ever wanted.
Fay wants independence and freedom and she'll get them both by showing courage and strength.
Fay will fly again, but is waiting for the storm to ease which will clear the road ahead. Patience is a virtue..
Intentional Unpredictability
Wet and windy..raining and miserable. That's the weather right now. But it could clear up. The clouds could lift during the day and the sunny spells might be on their way. Who knows. Rain and clouds, we have to live through them, it's just the way it is and there's nothing we can do about them. There no point in being angry or upset about it. There just there.. It's how the world works. They are to release the pressure that's been building up. It doesn't intentionally choose where and when it releases the pressure.. Ireland is just unlucky to nearly always be the place where the clouds seem to burst.. But such is life. If the clouds didn't burst above Arklow, they'd burst somewhere else. Sooner or later..
Have my clouds temporarily lifted? Am I feeling a blue sky? Am I seeing a blue sky up a head? I can't answer that.. It changes so rapidly and it's unpredictable..just like the Irish weather. I have to let the clouds come and go and I have to deal with them. There's no point analyzing them, just like there's no point analyzing the weather.. Being aware of what's going on, is far more important.
Blue skies will await. But can't my whole life be one big blue sky? Up until now I can see my life a blue sky, with thunder storms, turnado's, earthquakes, blizzards and tropical winds passing through. So life will continue to be that way..Even years from now clouds will come and go.. So, at this present moment..in the midst of the clouds, rain and fog, my life is still a blue sky, I just can't see it right now. But it's okay and it's what I'm here for. If I wasn't here in Arklow, I'd be caught up in my own misery somewhere else and I wouldn't see that the clouds are just passing and that I'm able to work through them to see the blue skies again..I wouldn't have had a clue, if I wasn't here in Ireland doing what I'm doing.
I'm afraid to think about the blue skies. I know I'll be feeling and seeing them again, but I don't want to think that far ahead.. "Ahead" being months from now. It may not seem like a long time for some people, as they just trot along, living from week to week, month to month, from paycheck to paycheck, filling every weekend as far ahead as their agenda will allow them. But for me, the space of a few months can make more difference than 3 or 4 years can make to some people who rush through their lives without realizing what's really happening.
It freaks me out to think back and to think forward. Thinking back is too hard because it doesn't feel real, I wasn't that person, who flew from Holland to Ireland on the 2nd of July. Thinking ahead is also hard because I want it all so badly and I don't want to push myself. As well, thinking ahead, forces me to be aware that there is a whole world out there. Thinking ahead automatically makes me think about all the meals I'll still have to eat, for years and years to come and it suffocates me.
But I want to be outrageous and thrive on life itself, but the thoughts of doing it all, while I'm stuffing my face with food, makes it feel so wrong. Because doing and enjoying things is good for the soul, so I would have to give up something that's good for me, in order to enjoy other things fully. So that would mean, no food if I'm enjoying life so much. But then, no food means no life.
Life to me means.. loving, laughing, crying, caring, sharing and experiencing. In order to have all this, I have to let myself eat. Without a nourished body, mind and soul, my reasons for living aren't important. They are meaningless if I don't eat. In order to think clearly about what I want from life, I need food. I order to express all this, I need food.. Food is the source of my vitality and energy..
If I had to make a choice between NOT eating and supporting and fighting Anna forever, or eating healthily and having a free soul and supporting Fay forever.. I don't have to think twice. But I want the best of both worlds.. I want to able to go through life restricting myself from food and being skinny and I want to be free as well. It doesn't work like that though. I'm living proof that it's either one or the other.. Anna took so much away from me, even though I've always known I wanted to be a free spirit..Free in body, mind and soul.. That's all I've ever dreamed of. But in order to have this, I need to support Fay 100%. And this also means, eating.
So soldiering on, day in day out..the eating continues, as does the dreaming..
Have my clouds temporarily lifted? Am I feeling a blue sky? Am I seeing a blue sky up a head? I can't answer that.. It changes so rapidly and it's unpredictable..just like the Irish weather. I have to let the clouds come and go and I have to deal with them. There's no point analyzing them, just like there's no point analyzing the weather.. Being aware of what's going on, is far more important.
Blue skies will await. But can't my whole life be one big blue sky? Up until now I can see my life a blue sky, with thunder storms, turnado's, earthquakes, blizzards and tropical winds passing through. So life will continue to be that way..Even years from now clouds will come and go.. So, at this present moment..in the midst of the clouds, rain and fog, my life is still a blue sky, I just can't see it right now. But it's okay and it's what I'm here for. If I wasn't here in Arklow, I'd be caught up in my own misery somewhere else and I wouldn't see that the clouds are just passing and that I'm able to work through them to see the blue skies again..I wouldn't have had a clue, if I wasn't here in Ireland doing what I'm doing.
I'm afraid to think about the blue skies. I know I'll be feeling and seeing them again, but I don't want to think that far ahead.. "Ahead" being months from now. It may not seem like a long time for some people, as they just trot along, living from week to week, month to month, from paycheck to paycheck, filling every weekend as far ahead as their agenda will allow them. But for me, the space of a few months can make more difference than 3 or 4 years can make to some people who rush through their lives without realizing what's really happening.
It freaks me out to think back and to think forward. Thinking back is too hard because it doesn't feel real, I wasn't that person, who flew from Holland to Ireland on the 2nd of July. Thinking ahead is also hard because I want it all so badly and I don't want to push myself. As well, thinking ahead, forces me to be aware that there is a whole world out there. Thinking ahead automatically makes me think about all the meals I'll still have to eat, for years and years to come and it suffocates me.
But I want to be outrageous and thrive on life itself, but the thoughts of doing it all, while I'm stuffing my face with food, makes it feel so wrong. Because doing and enjoying things is good for the soul, so I would have to give up something that's good for me, in order to enjoy other things fully. So that would mean, no food if I'm enjoying life so much. But then, no food means no life.
Life to me means.. loving, laughing, crying, caring, sharing and experiencing. In order to have all this, I have to let myself eat. Without a nourished body, mind and soul, my reasons for living aren't important. They are meaningless if I don't eat. In order to think clearly about what I want from life, I need food. I order to express all this, I need food.. Food is the source of my vitality and energy..
If I had to make a choice between NOT eating and supporting and fighting Anna forever, or eating healthily and having a free soul and supporting Fay forever.. I don't have to think twice. But I want the best of both worlds.. I want to able to go through life restricting myself from food and being skinny and I want to be free as well. It doesn't work like that though. I'm living proof that it's either one or the other.. Anna took so much away from me, even though I've always known I wanted to be a free spirit..Free in body, mind and soul.. That's all I've ever dreamed of. But in order to have this, I need to support Fay 100%. And this also means, eating.
So soldiering on, day in day out..the eating continues, as does the dreaming..
Monday, October 13, 2008
It's still Manic Monday
If someone asks you: "What have you been doing for the past 5 or 6 months". Your answer could be: "I've done 3 language courses, I've gotten a promotion at work, and have bought a house".. This is just an example. Everybody's answer is different. I keep on saying that I'm not living and that I don't have a life. But, if I were to answer this question honestly, it would be: "I've been happy, I've been scared, I've been alone, I've been depressed and I've been loved.."..
What's the point I'm trying to make? I HAVE been living the past few months. I HAVE been working and achieving. But in a different way. I won't have any certificates to show what I've been doing the past while, but I will have gained more than most people my age. I've been working hard on MYSELF, and I can tell you, it's harder than you can imagine. I've been achieving self-awareness. I've been learning is every sense of the word. So it makes me sad for anybody, including myself, to think that this is a waste of time and that I'm not doing anything and that I'm lazy.
I am living my life, and doing what's right for me at this moment in time.
But then this brings me to another quote I came across on Internet: "Saying 'no' to food, is saying 'no' to life".. It was an American girl, who was fully recovered from Anna. When I first read these words I thought, well that's pretty obvious. If you don't eat, you die. It's simple. But only now, these words make sense to me. Each meal I decide to skip, gives in to Anna a little more and makes her grow stronger. The more I repeat this behaviour, the stronger she becomes and the more she takes over and further away I get from having my own life. It's not just one meal. It's so much more than that. Being able to eat without it being an issue, means you can have the life you want. You don't have to worry about putting on weight, you don't have to count calories, you don't have to plan you're day around your meals. You can focus on the important things that life has to offer. Each bite is for life. Each bite keeps your body ticking over and it's keep your mind in tact, it keeps you focused and energizes the soul while putting you in a good mood. There are no restrictions, no boundaries and also no limits. No diets and no binging. No hiding and no running. But being free without feeling the need to get on a plane and travel 1200km's.. Because with or without a plane journey, you're free..even when stuck in Arklow, behind the computer. Each bite will give me the life I long for. "Saying 'yes' to food is saying 'yes' to life".
Doesn't everybody know the feeling you get after overeating. You feel awful, full and you're not happy with what you've just done. Imagine going through life feeling like that, all the time. It's normal that it would have an effect on your mental health..you'd be unhappy, but would seek comfort in the thing that feels right and it will start to feel normal and you would slowly become trapped in your own bad mood and behaviour. You may recognize that you've changed, but aren't really sure why..so you put it down to "getting older" or "growing up". But then, you suddenly have become aware there is a problem. This problem turns out not to be just with food, so it so much deeper than that. You find out the symptoms of the disorder and "isolation" is one of them. All of a sudden there's a sigh of relief.. The behaviour you put down to "getting older", is really related to the issues you have with yourself and food and these are solvable, as is your behaviour..
What am I trying to say?
This was me..but instead of "overeating", it's "under-eating". I think back to the 6 months I was living in Holland, before coming back to Ireland. I was so isolated. I socialized as much as I could, but other than that, I was more than happy to close myself off from the world. But, back then, I put it down to.."I'm getting old". My spontaneity and enthusiasm wouldn't come naturally to me, the way it always did and on the occasions I was enthusiastic, I had to put all my energy into it, just to keep up the front and still be the person my friends remembered me as.. But I'm relieved to know that I'm not getting old. It was the combination of not-eating and the underlying issues. They both made me into a person I thought I had become. But it wasn't me..My natural enthusiasm and energy will come back. I'm waiting for it. Sometimes I'm scared that I'll never get it back, because it feels like it's taking so long. But I'll fight for it..People used to always joke and ask me "Niamh, where do you get you're energy?", I would answer: "the chemist".. Well, that came back and smacked me in the face didn't it.. Because that's exactly where I get any little bursts of energy from nowadays..(Mam always picks up the supplements, or energy drinks, from the chemist..).
What's my point? Well, "saying 'yes' to food, is saying 'yes' to life", having a free soul and not being isolated anymore, is what I want..
I keep on having "visions"..of me in months to come. I'm recovered and I'm with my mate Kelly, I can't see where we are, but we're just laughing our heads off and having a brilliant time chatting. Me and her bounce off each other, it's like electricity, in the way that, whenever we're together we both are on top of the world. We love life so much and we make each other so hyper. We both always say to each other..it doesn't matter where we meet up, either in Oz, England or Holland, we are living life to the full whenever we're together.
And that's the thing I see whenever I think of me being better and fully refueled.. It excites me.
But am I just fooling myself? Time will tell..
What's the point I'm trying to make? I HAVE been living the past few months. I HAVE been working and achieving. But in a different way. I won't have any certificates to show what I've been doing the past while, but I will have gained more than most people my age. I've been working hard on MYSELF, and I can tell you, it's harder than you can imagine. I've been achieving self-awareness. I've been learning is every sense of the word. So it makes me sad for anybody, including myself, to think that this is a waste of time and that I'm not doing anything and that I'm lazy.
I am living my life, and doing what's right for me at this moment in time.
But then this brings me to another quote I came across on Internet: "Saying 'no' to food, is saying 'no' to life".. It was an American girl, who was fully recovered from Anna. When I first read these words I thought, well that's pretty obvious. If you don't eat, you die. It's simple. But only now, these words make sense to me. Each meal I decide to skip, gives in to Anna a little more and makes her grow stronger. The more I repeat this behaviour, the stronger she becomes and the more she takes over and further away I get from having my own life. It's not just one meal. It's so much more than that. Being able to eat without it being an issue, means you can have the life you want. You don't have to worry about putting on weight, you don't have to count calories, you don't have to plan you're day around your meals. You can focus on the important things that life has to offer. Each bite is for life. Each bite keeps your body ticking over and it's keep your mind in tact, it keeps you focused and energizes the soul while putting you in a good mood. There are no restrictions, no boundaries and also no limits. No diets and no binging. No hiding and no running. But being free without feeling the need to get on a plane and travel 1200km's.. Because with or without a plane journey, you're free..even when stuck in Arklow, behind the computer. Each bite will give me the life I long for. "Saying 'yes' to food is saying 'yes' to life".
Doesn't everybody know the feeling you get after overeating. You feel awful, full and you're not happy with what you've just done. Imagine going through life feeling like that, all the time. It's normal that it would have an effect on your mental health..you'd be unhappy, but would seek comfort in the thing that feels right and it will start to feel normal and you would slowly become trapped in your own bad mood and behaviour. You may recognize that you've changed, but aren't really sure why..so you put it down to "getting older" or "growing up". But then, you suddenly have become aware there is a problem. This problem turns out not to be just with food, so it so much deeper than that. You find out the symptoms of the disorder and "isolation" is one of them. All of a sudden there's a sigh of relief.. The behaviour you put down to "getting older", is really related to the issues you have with yourself and food and these are solvable, as is your behaviour..
What am I trying to say?
This was me..but instead of "overeating", it's "under-eating". I think back to the 6 months I was living in Holland, before coming back to Ireland. I was so isolated. I socialized as much as I could, but other than that, I was more than happy to close myself off from the world. But, back then, I put it down to.."I'm getting old". My spontaneity and enthusiasm wouldn't come naturally to me, the way it always did and on the occasions I was enthusiastic, I had to put all my energy into it, just to keep up the front and still be the person my friends remembered me as.. But I'm relieved to know that I'm not getting old. It was the combination of not-eating and the underlying issues. They both made me into a person I thought I had become. But it wasn't me..My natural enthusiasm and energy will come back. I'm waiting for it. Sometimes I'm scared that I'll never get it back, because it feels like it's taking so long. But I'll fight for it..People used to always joke and ask me "Niamh, where do you get you're energy?", I would answer: "the chemist".. Well, that came back and smacked me in the face didn't it.. Because that's exactly where I get any little bursts of energy from nowadays..(Mam always picks up the supplements, or energy drinks, from the chemist..).
What's my point? Well, "saying 'yes' to food, is saying 'yes' to life", having a free soul and not being isolated anymore, is what I want..
I keep on having "visions"..of me in months to come. I'm recovered and I'm with my mate Kelly, I can't see where we are, but we're just laughing our heads off and having a brilliant time chatting. Me and her bounce off each other, it's like electricity, in the way that, whenever we're together we both are on top of the world. We love life so much and we make each other so hyper. We both always say to each other..it doesn't matter where we meet up, either in Oz, England or Holland, we are living life to the full whenever we're together.
And that's the thing I see whenever I think of me being better and fully refueled.. It excites me.
But am I just fooling myself? Time will tell..
Manic Monday continues
The week before last, I found out so much about everything. So many things came into my head, so much clarity. Last week..nothing.. well, yeah, actually there were moments..probably more moments than I was aware but maybe I blocked them. And after not giving everything a place, things can still seem so floaty.. I feel everything needs structure. I feel like I've lost control of this whole thing and I can't keep up with what's happening and most times I don't know what's happening..
I don't know where to start..There's yesterday..there's alcohol..there's the roast..there's my failing today..there's my positiveness towards everything..there's me feeling fine and laughing..there's me being angry and crying..there's questions without answers..there's my fatty body and my hamster cheeks..there's my missing my mates..there's me wanting to leave..there's me not knowing where to go..
It's just starts as one day but it's so much more. It can expand and evolve and before I know what's happening all I know is my name..my age..and that I'm in Arklow.. That's it. I know my height, it's 1.54..my weight..nobody knows.. My appearance? fatty hamster-cheeks with the worst hair and freckles.. That's my cover. What's on the inside? Does anybody know? A heap of food that's clogging up my arteries? Or a soul?
Who knows and who cares..
Do I hate myself that much, that I feel the need to fight myself all the time? Where has this hatred come from? I had confidence? Yeah, I think I did. But do confident people hate themselves? Doesn't everybody have a day when they don't like being in their own skin.. That's part of life.. So why couldn't I just let go of that 1 day I hated myself and love myself the next. I don't understand. Diann said something today, I wasn't really taking it in, so I can't put it into words properly.. It was about judging myself by what's on the outside.. But that makes me sound shallow.. O No, I can't make any sense of it..sorry. I don't know.. She didn't make me sound shallow today, so I'm explaining it wrong.. how annoying..sorry.
I'll rephrase it..We were talking about me and that I would always judge my happiness, by the remarks and reactions people would have whenever I returned from traveling. During the week I realized that I would associate having had a brilliant time traveling and living the best life ever, with my appearance and with how much weight I'd lost. That was obviously setting myself up for a downfall.. It seems that my whole year abroad I was living according to Anna and all my adventures were controlled by her..my lifestyle, the way I chose to fill my year..everything I did was for others and to make them think I'm having the best life and that I'm as happy as could be. When really I wasn't.
How did I fill my year in Oz? Not like any other backpackers. I worked 9 months out of the 12. Most backpackers would work as little as possible. I never had fatty foods, I would go running, in 40 degree heat, while friends would be relaxing by the pool, drinking beer. I would always give out whenever we only worked 4 hours instead of 8.. I wanted to work more. Every job I had in Oz, I would save as much as possible and everybody knows, that saving money restricts you from doing fun things. But I didn't care, I needed to save to get to get to New Zealand and to get to Asia.. When coming back home after traveling, did all my adventures just become insignificant, because of how focused I was on being skinny? My adventures aren't insignificant. It was one of the best years of my life. Reading this, you may think I've regrets..It may sound like I had the year from hell..But I don't and it wasn't. I wouldn't have done it any different. If I'd have had a different approach, I wouldn't have seen the places I've seen, I wouldn't have met the people I've met. So, no I don't regret it.
Diann once said, that this was meant to happen to me. So it wouldn't have mattered where in the world I would have been or what I would have been doing, it would have happened.. I want traveling to be my world..if that makes sense..So with or without Anna, I would have done it all and I still plan on doing it all when she's gone. It's just different. Sometimes I think if I hadn't been traveling, this wouldn't have happened now, but in years down the line..It would have brewed for so much longer. The fact that when I was traveling alone without anybody from home to see that I was losing weight has made this all come to a head so much faster than it otherwise would have. So for that, I suppose I'm grateful. That means that it will be over and done with, sooner rather than later and I'll be able to live a free life with a free spirit, knowing who I am.. So, again, I have absolutely no regrets as to the choices I've made.
It just goes to show, that catching a plane, is a journey and you leave a life behind but really the only thing you leave behind is you psychical world.. Everything else you carry with you. If a person has problems, it doesn't matter where in the world they are, the problems will catch them eventually. It just depends on your surroundings (the psychical aspect of your life) as to how and when the problems arise. Starting a new life, can be done without moving to a new house or a new country. I'm starting a new life, here, behind this computer screen.
I'm starting over.. A new beginning. I read somewhere that the main way to recovering fully from Anna, are by following the 3-c's.. -Changes -Challenges -Choices.. Changing my rituals, changing my lifestyle, changing my outlook, discovering what makes me, discovering what breaks me..
The changes that needed to be made bring challenges along with them which I have chose to do.. Example: Keeping a food diary. I've been doing this since July last year. I have a little black book, where I used to make a note of my thoughts on food and the food that has gone through my body. As then less I needed to write down, the better. This was my private thing, nobody knew about it and it made me feel safe..just like the weighing scales when it told me I'd lost another kilo. This is a ritual, my life revolved around it. But this needed to change, in order to recover. So now, I've a different book (it's not black, it's green, which is a lot more positive) and I write down the things I've eaten, but it has to be as much as possible. This doesn't come easy. Writing down on paper everything that I digest during the day..it's a challenge to eat it all and a challenge to face up to the fact that it's my body that's taking it all in and digesting it..But it's my choice. I control it and I choose to eat everything I should be eating (on most days anyhow..).. So, you see how the 3-c's works..this is just a theory put into practice. Another ritual that needed changing..eating slowly. I eat slowly, but have started to speed up because the slower I eat, the more time it consumes which muddles up my food-routine. This is changing, but it's a challenge. It's unnatural for me to eat fast, because for so long the only time I DID eat, I would want it to last for as long as possible and my stomach wouldn't be able to digest it quick enough either. So it's now tiring eating at the same pace as the rest..but again it's my choice. I have to do this, in order to be able to live a normal life. It's another change, another challenge and another choice.
It's not only the little habits that need to be changed, but also other aspects of my life that supported Anna. Such as my living arrangements in Holland and my job. If I were to go back to my life as it was before, I'd be inclined to slip back to my old ways or I would be haunted by the doom and gloom I'd felt before. I don't reckon I could go back to my job and be happy, knowing what was going on with me before I left in June.. I hate that job and now knowing that the things I want from life are changing and that starting a new life also means changing my lifestyle, I can't see why I would choose to go back there...I think for 95% I've decided to leave work. I'm not too sure yet about going back to Breda either.. But I'll soon find out. It's just another change, a challenge to discover what I want and the choices are mine.
Has everything I've done the past few years, been down to Anna? I wonder if she's been my source for every decision I've made? An example: staying in a job I hate, just to prove I can stick it for a year and to get a good reference. Another example: walking to work instead of buying a bicycle in order to burn more calories.. If the answer to any of my questions starts with: "I wanted to prove..."..then I can safely say, that Anna was the reason. So now, in order to change my way of thinking and to live my life without Anna being the reason, I must ask myself the question.."Why am I doing this?". If the answer I get, is anything to do with Anna, then I shouldn't be doing it. I have to things for the right reason. If it's eating, if it's going to the shops, if it's buying clothes, if it's choosing a different a job or doing a course..
All these thoughts I've just described, have been lost for weeks..Lost in my head. Maybe now I've made sense of them all, they're found which might help me to feel less lost.
I don't know where to start..There's yesterday..there's alcohol..there's the roast..there's my failing today..there's my positiveness towards everything..there's me feeling fine and laughing..there's me being angry and crying..there's questions without answers..there's my fatty body and my hamster cheeks..there's my missing my mates..there's me wanting to leave..there's me not knowing where to go..
It's just starts as one day but it's so much more. It can expand and evolve and before I know what's happening all I know is my name..my age..and that I'm in Arklow.. That's it. I know my height, it's 1.54..my weight..nobody knows.. My appearance? fatty hamster-cheeks with the worst hair and freckles.. That's my cover. What's on the inside? Does anybody know? A heap of food that's clogging up my arteries? Or a soul?
Who knows and who cares..
Do I hate myself that much, that I feel the need to fight myself all the time? Where has this hatred come from? I had confidence? Yeah, I think I did. But do confident people hate themselves? Doesn't everybody have a day when they don't like being in their own skin.. That's part of life.. So why couldn't I just let go of that 1 day I hated myself and love myself the next. I don't understand. Diann said something today, I wasn't really taking it in, so I can't put it into words properly.. It was about judging myself by what's on the outside.. But that makes me sound shallow.. O No, I can't make any sense of it..sorry. I don't know.. She didn't make me sound shallow today, so I'm explaining it wrong.. how annoying..sorry.
I'll rephrase it..We were talking about me and that I would always judge my happiness, by the remarks and reactions people would have whenever I returned from traveling. During the week I realized that I would associate having had a brilliant time traveling and living the best life ever, with my appearance and with how much weight I'd lost. That was obviously setting myself up for a downfall.. It seems that my whole year abroad I was living according to Anna and all my adventures were controlled by her..my lifestyle, the way I chose to fill my year..everything I did was for others and to make them think I'm having the best life and that I'm as happy as could be. When really I wasn't.
How did I fill my year in Oz? Not like any other backpackers. I worked 9 months out of the 12. Most backpackers would work as little as possible. I never had fatty foods, I would go running, in 40 degree heat, while friends would be relaxing by the pool, drinking beer. I would always give out whenever we only worked 4 hours instead of 8.. I wanted to work more. Every job I had in Oz, I would save as much as possible and everybody knows, that saving money restricts you from doing fun things. But I didn't care, I needed to save to get to get to New Zealand and to get to Asia.. When coming back home after traveling, did all my adventures just become insignificant, because of how focused I was on being skinny? My adventures aren't insignificant. It was one of the best years of my life. Reading this, you may think I've regrets..It may sound like I had the year from hell..But I don't and it wasn't. I wouldn't have done it any different. If I'd have had a different approach, I wouldn't have seen the places I've seen, I wouldn't have met the people I've met. So, no I don't regret it.
Diann once said, that this was meant to happen to me. So it wouldn't have mattered where in the world I would have been or what I would have been doing, it would have happened.. I want traveling to be my world..if that makes sense..So with or without Anna, I would have done it all and I still plan on doing it all when she's gone. It's just different. Sometimes I think if I hadn't been traveling, this wouldn't have happened now, but in years down the line..It would have brewed for so much longer. The fact that when I was traveling alone without anybody from home to see that I was losing weight has made this all come to a head so much faster than it otherwise would have. So for that, I suppose I'm grateful. That means that it will be over and done with, sooner rather than later and I'll be able to live a free life with a free spirit, knowing who I am.. So, again, I have absolutely no regrets as to the choices I've made.
It just goes to show, that catching a plane, is a journey and you leave a life behind but really the only thing you leave behind is you psychical world.. Everything else you carry with you. If a person has problems, it doesn't matter where in the world they are, the problems will catch them eventually. It just depends on your surroundings (the psychical aspect of your life) as to how and when the problems arise. Starting a new life, can be done without moving to a new house or a new country. I'm starting a new life, here, behind this computer screen.
I'm starting over.. A new beginning. I read somewhere that the main way to recovering fully from Anna, are by following the 3-c's.. -Changes -Challenges -Choices.. Changing my rituals, changing my lifestyle, changing my outlook, discovering what makes me, discovering what breaks me..
The changes that needed to be made bring challenges along with them which I have chose to do.. Example: Keeping a food diary. I've been doing this since July last year. I have a little black book, where I used to make a note of my thoughts on food and the food that has gone through my body. As then less I needed to write down, the better. This was my private thing, nobody knew about it and it made me feel safe..just like the weighing scales when it told me I'd lost another kilo. This is a ritual, my life revolved around it. But this needed to change, in order to recover. So now, I've a different book (it's not black, it's green, which is a lot more positive) and I write down the things I've eaten, but it has to be as much as possible. This doesn't come easy. Writing down on paper everything that I digest during the day..it's a challenge to eat it all and a challenge to face up to the fact that it's my body that's taking it all in and digesting it..But it's my choice. I control it and I choose to eat everything I should be eating (on most days anyhow..).. So, you see how the 3-c's works..this is just a theory put into practice. Another ritual that needed changing..eating slowly. I eat slowly, but have started to speed up because the slower I eat, the more time it consumes which muddles up my food-routine. This is changing, but it's a challenge. It's unnatural for me to eat fast, because for so long the only time I DID eat, I would want it to last for as long as possible and my stomach wouldn't be able to digest it quick enough either. So it's now tiring eating at the same pace as the rest..but again it's my choice. I have to do this, in order to be able to live a normal life. It's another change, another challenge and another choice.
It's not only the little habits that need to be changed, but also other aspects of my life that supported Anna. Such as my living arrangements in Holland and my job. If I were to go back to my life as it was before, I'd be inclined to slip back to my old ways or I would be haunted by the doom and gloom I'd felt before. I don't reckon I could go back to my job and be happy, knowing what was going on with me before I left in June.. I hate that job and now knowing that the things I want from life are changing and that starting a new life also means changing my lifestyle, I can't see why I would choose to go back there...I think for 95% I've decided to leave work. I'm not too sure yet about going back to Breda either.. But I'll soon find out. It's just another change, a challenge to discover what I want and the choices are mine.
Has everything I've done the past few years, been down to Anna? I wonder if she's been my source for every decision I've made? An example: staying in a job I hate, just to prove I can stick it for a year and to get a good reference. Another example: walking to work instead of buying a bicycle in order to burn more calories.. If the answer to any of my questions starts with: "I wanted to prove..."..then I can safely say, that Anna was the reason. So now, in order to change my way of thinking and to live my life without Anna being the reason, I must ask myself the question.."Why am I doing this?". If the answer I get, is anything to do with Anna, then I shouldn't be doing it. I have to things for the right reason. If it's eating, if it's going to the shops, if it's buying clothes, if it's choosing a different a job or doing a course..
All these thoughts I've just described, have been lost for weeks..Lost in my head. Maybe now I've made sense of them all, they're found which might help me to feel less lost.
Manic Monday
I feel absolutely hopeless. A time-waster and a failure. It's all for nothing and nothing has come of it. Nothing is resolved, everything is blocked, nothing has been ventured and therefore nothing has been gained. My own fault, my own stupidity.
For the first time I can see that you only get rewarded if you do the work. If you don't put in the effort, then you'll get nothing in return. That's exactly what's happened.. I sat there like a child. Not really feeling I should be there which I even said to Diann..: "I don't even know why I'm here". I hate it so much. I don't need to go to her anymore. I'm better, I'm fine, I'm eating. What's the point in going to therapy if I have nothing to tell her? I don't have anymore issues.. I think I was angry with everything and everyone, and with myself. With the world. I'm sick of talking about food all the time and about my life and that it's changing and that I've a shiny diamond.. Yeah, we all have it and it should shine. But I don't really care and I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to live a normal life and to have a job. This is so tiring and frustrating and I'm getting no where..
I felt so closed off today with Diann and I didn't really have anything good to say even though I had a lot of good days this week and was aware of what I was doing. The past few days, I've probably been so switched to with the real world, that I put everything relating Anna away (even though she had the control yesterday..but that's fine, I don't really care), and didn't even think twice about my session. Now I hate myself. Because I didn't do well. I didn't say much about the "journey" I'm on, I didn't care. I didn't want to be there. I just saw it as passing through, just a chore to do..: "Let's just get in and get out..and that will be it for another week". But this hour IS my week. My week revolves around it. Maybe I was just too tired. Maybe I was too angry. Maybe Anna was in control and I didn't really care.
I just hate this so much. I'm so frustrated I can't even put it into words. Everyone has a life..What's mine? Nothing, and I won't get it back, if I don't work for it. And today I didn't work for it. I didn't take control of my own life.. For Diann, I'm just another client..just another tortured soul who has food issues.. Nothing new to her. It won't make a difference to her if I'm getting better or not. She won't mind if I do or don't make effort. I'm just another one of those pathetic little people. And now I'm a slacker.. It's awful and I hate it all so much. How can I expect to ever get out of here if I don't put in the work? How can therapy work if the patient doesn't open up? How can it work if the patient sees it all as a waste of time? It can't.. But who cares? Because I certainly don't.
Why don't I care? Because I don't know what else I can do. There's nothing I can do to speed this shit along.. Absolutely nothing.. If I'm have a bad day eating..does it really matter? Because tomorrow is another day, so I can have another shot at it. But if I keep on failing, then I could do more, but that's only through eating, stuffing my face and feeling like a fat pig. But what if I'm eating everything I should. Then there's nothing else. I know so well what I have to do, but I'm just fed up with it all, and I'm bored with it. Dealing with the same shit everyday.. But I'm not allowed to think about getting my life back. Because it will only make want it more and make me more aware of what I'm missing out on and this will make me lonely, sad, frustrated and depressed because I can't even attempt to get any of it, at this moment in time..
I hate what I've become and I hate the life that I'm living.. All my family and friends don't think twice about how lucky they are, to be able to do the things they want. But that's always the way it goes...: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".. And that's so true. Because when I was able to do everything I wanted, I didn't think twice about it either. It was life, it was normal, it was what everybody does..right?.. WRONG!! It's not what everybody does and it's not normal..
Living daily life and doing WHAT you want, WHEN you want, is something everyone should appreciate..If everyone only had the slightest clue has to how small somebody's world can feel and how lonely the world can be..I hear you say "Niamh, it's self-inflicted..you've brought this on yourself, you're paying the price now, just by thinking that being skinny was going to make you happy".. Well, I'm very sorry, but it's probably how you see me, or your image of typical anorexia, but I'm telling you, it's not like that at all. Do you think if I'd have known what was going to happen to me and the road I was heading down and what the real problems I was having, that I would have gotten help sooner? Do you think this is what I wanted? Being restrictive towards myself, when it came to eating, has now led me to living a life that's restricted in every other way, except for eating. How can someone's life change so drastically? How can somebody be expected to just turn everything around at the "drop of a hat" and be fine with it?? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!! Who am I talking to and who's saying all this to me?? I'm saying it to myself.. What's going on? I haven't a notion..all I know is that there 59 calories in the yogurt I eat every morning.
A friend of mine said to me months ago.. "Niamh, you can put on weight you know. You don't have to always eat healthy. You can afford to put on weight because you're so skinny, it's allowed". Okay, so she said "it's allowed". But WHO says I'm allowed to put on weight? WHO says I'm not allowed to put on weight? WHO WHO WHO?? Society? Myself? My family and friends? Who cares if I do or don't put on weight. If I'm alive, isn't that okay? Isn't that what I'm am now? Alive? What more should I want? I could be a real greedy cow, and want as much as possible from life. But then I'm just being spoilt.
I don't have a life..so therefore I don't have anything to say to Diann. There's nothing there, just a moody person who really doesn't want to eat.
I'm sick of being positive and upbeat and everybody knowing what I'm going through and thinking that I'm so strong. When really I'm the weakest person there is. Because a strong person doesn't go to therapy and sit there like a 2 year old saying "I don't know, I just don't know..".. Aiden (my little nephew) would have been better off going, saying "open de auto, open de auto"..his phrase that he repeats constantly..so cute.
There's so much to this life, but my world is so small right now, that I'm not seeing any of it..and by "seeing it" I don't mean it literally.. By "seeing it" I mean "feeling it". The more I switch on to daily life, the more I want it. I've got too much energy, that I don't know what to do with it. Why should Anna get all my attention constantly?? She doesn't deserve it. But she's getting it. Who in their right mind, spends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week indoors, working on themselves to get better and to discover WHO they are and HOW and WHY they ended up going down the wrong road in life? Please let me know, if you know somebody who does this...Because I certainly don't. So is that what's expected of me? I can't possibly do this without going crazy. I need to have a normal conversation with my mates, without feeling tired, drained or moody or like I'm lying to them as well as myself. I want to just enjoy their company.. But it's not going to happen anytime soon.. because I'm stuck here..
I haven't had a normal conversation and laughed and talked nonsense with any of my mates for 4 or 5 months now.. Is it any wonder that I'm going crazy? Is it any wonder that I'm sick of talking about myself and Anna? Is it any wonder that, the only hour a week Anna lets me talk (well, usually she does, but I don't think she was letting me today for some reason) I don't want it all to be about me, or Anna?
Sometimes I would just love to be a fly in the wall of a household with somebody recovering and battling with Anna. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this? But every case is unique. I doubt that there's anybody out there, who has given up a whole life and flown to another country, in order to get better. I could compare my own situation to theirs. This could make me feel worse though... I hate this so much.
Right, Time-out. To be continued....
For the first time I can see that you only get rewarded if you do the work. If you don't put in the effort, then you'll get nothing in return. That's exactly what's happened.. I sat there like a child. Not really feeling I should be there which I even said to Diann..: "I don't even know why I'm here". I hate it so much. I don't need to go to her anymore. I'm better, I'm fine, I'm eating. What's the point in going to therapy if I have nothing to tell her? I don't have anymore issues.. I think I was angry with everything and everyone, and with myself. With the world. I'm sick of talking about food all the time and about my life and that it's changing and that I've a shiny diamond.. Yeah, we all have it and it should shine. But I don't really care and I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to live a normal life and to have a job. This is so tiring and frustrating and I'm getting no where..
I felt so closed off today with Diann and I didn't really have anything good to say even though I had a lot of good days this week and was aware of what I was doing. The past few days, I've probably been so switched to with the real world, that I put everything relating Anna away (even though she had the control yesterday..but that's fine, I don't really care), and didn't even think twice about my session. Now I hate myself. Because I didn't do well. I didn't say much about the "journey" I'm on, I didn't care. I didn't want to be there. I just saw it as passing through, just a chore to do..: "Let's just get in and get out..and that will be it for another week". But this hour IS my week. My week revolves around it. Maybe I was just too tired. Maybe I was too angry. Maybe Anna was in control and I didn't really care.
I just hate this so much. I'm so frustrated I can't even put it into words. Everyone has a life..What's mine? Nothing, and I won't get it back, if I don't work for it. And today I didn't work for it. I didn't take control of my own life.. For Diann, I'm just another client..just another tortured soul who has food issues.. Nothing new to her. It won't make a difference to her if I'm getting better or not. She won't mind if I do or don't make effort. I'm just another one of those pathetic little people. And now I'm a slacker.. It's awful and I hate it all so much. How can I expect to ever get out of here if I don't put in the work? How can therapy work if the patient doesn't open up? How can it work if the patient sees it all as a waste of time? It can't.. But who cares? Because I certainly don't.
Why don't I care? Because I don't know what else I can do. There's nothing I can do to speed this shit along.. Absolutely nothing.. If I'm have a bad day eating..does it really matter? Because tomorrow is another day, so I can have another shot at it. But if I keep on failing, then I could do more, but that's only through eating, stuffing my face and feeling like a fat pig. But what if I'm eating everything I should. Then there's nothing else. I know so well what I have to do, but I'm just fed up with it all, and I'm bored with it. Dealing with the same shit everyday.. But I'm not allowed to think about getting my life back. Because it will only make want it more and make me more aware of what I'm missing out on and this will make me lonely, sad, frustrated and depressed because I can't even attempt to get any of it, at this moment in time..
I hate what I've become and I hate the life that I'm living.. All my family and friends don't think twice about how lucky they are, to be able to do the things they want. But that's always the way it goes...: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".. And that's so true. Because when I was able to do everything I wanted, I didn't think twice about it either. It was life, it was normal, it was what everybody does..right?.. WRONG!! It's not what everybody does and it's not normal..
Living daily life and doing WHAT you want, WHEN you want, is something everyone should appreciate..If everyone only had the slightest clue has to how small somebody's world can feel and how lonely the world can be..I hear you say "Niamh, it's self-inflicted..you've brought this on yourself, you're paying the price now, just by thinking that being skinny was going to make you happy".. Well, I'm very sorry, but it's probably how you see me, or your image of typical anorexia, but I'm telling you, it's not like that at all. Do you think if I'd have known what was going to happen to me and the road I was heading down and what the real problems I was having, that I would have gotten help sooner? Do you think this is what I wanted? Being restrictive towards myself, when it came to eating, has now led me to living a life that's restricted in every other way, except for eating. How can someone's life change so drastically? How can somebody be expected to just turn everything around at the "drop of a hat" and be fine with it?? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!! Who am I talking to and who's saying all this to me?? I'm saying it to myself.. What's going on? I haven't a notion..all I know is that there 59 calories in the yogurt I eat every morning.
A friend of mine said to me months ago.. "Niamh, you can put on weight you know. You don't have to always eat healthy. You can afford to put on weight because you're so skinny, it's allowed". Okay, so she said "it's allowed". But WHO says I'm allowed to put on weight? WHO says I'm not allowed to put on weight? WHO WHO WHO?? Society? Myself? My family and friends? Who cares if I do or don't put on weight. If I'm alive, isn't that okay? Isn't that what I'm am now? Alive? What more should I want? I could be a real greedy cow, and want as much as possible from life. But then I'm just being spoilt.
I don't have a life..so therefore I don't have anything to say to Diann. There's nothing there, just a moody person who really doesn't want to eat.
I'm sick of being positive and upbeat and everybody knowing what I'm going through and thinking that I'm so strong. When really I'm the weakest person there is. Because a strong person doesn't go to therapy and sit there like a 2 year old saying "I don't know, I just don't know..".. Aiden (my little nephew) would have been better off going, saying "open de auto, open de auto"..his phrase that he repeats constantly..so cute.
There's so much to this life, but my world is so small right now, that I'm not seeing any of it..and by "seeing it" I don't mean it literally.. By "seeing it" I mean "feeling it". The more I switch on to daily life, the more I want it. I've got too much energy, that I don't know what to do with it. Why should Anna get all my attention constantly?? She doesn't deserve it. But she's getting it. Who in their right mind, spends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week indoors, working on themselves to get better and to discover WHO they are and HOW and WHY they ended up going down the wrong road in life? Please let me know, if you know somebody who does this...Because I certainly don't. So is that what's expected of me? I can't possibly do this without going crazy. I need to have a normal conversation with my mates, without feeling tired, drained or moody or like I'm lying to them as well as myself. I want to just enjoy their company.. But it's not going to happen anytime soon.. because I'm stuck here..
I haven't had a normal conversation and laughed and talked nonsense with any of my mates for 4 or 5 months now.. Is it any wonder that I'm going crazy? Is it any wonder that I'm sick of talking about myself and Anna? Is it any wonder that, the only hour a week Anna lets me talk (well, usually she does, but I don't think she was letting me today for some reason) I don't want it all to be about me, or Anna?
Sometimes I would just love to be a fly in the wall of a household with somebody recovering and battling with Anna. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this? But every case is unique. I doubt that there's anybody out there, who has given up a whole life and flown to another country, in order to get better. I could compare my own situation to theirs. This could make me feel worse though... I hate this so much.
Right, Time-out. To be continued....
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Stopping a day from starting
It's Sunday, early afternoon. My head is fuzzy and I feel like I've just been on a "weekend-bender".. I feel like I've been snatched away from my life for a week or so, in which I've drank myself stupid every night. But in fact, all I've done, is practically nothing.
Emma and Aiden are here. They got here on Thursday night. Since then I've been occupied, but not too much..
Friday wasn't a busy day at all. I was playing with Aiden for a short while and chatting to Emma. Around lunch time I went back to bed for 2 or 3 hours. Then we went to meet up with Da. I hadn't seen him in a while. We just went for a drink, which lasted for an hour. Afterwards, I stepped outside and I felt drunk. When all I had was a soda water and lime.. Don't you know the feeling you get when you've been in a pub in the afternoon and have had a couple of beers and you step outside and then it suddenly hits you..you're lightheaded and fuzzy..But when you were inside, you didn't feel it. Well, that's how I felt after an hour of just sitting and drinking water. Once we were back home, I went to bed again. I was exhausted. I had to get up at one stage, to have dinner.. Alone.. That night, all we did was sit around and watch a few dvds. Nothing exciting. My mood was okay and I wasn't feeling too guilty about being around people and enjoying myself.
Saturday was a busier day. But I wasn't as tired as Friday so I was able to deal with it. I was up at the usual time, around 8 (this is when I'm fully awake a rested..it's the bodyclock), and went back to bed for a while around lunch time again, for an hour or 2. We went down town then for a couple of hours. I was fairly switched on but now and then Anna was annoying me. She would whisper in my ear, making me feel like I'm doing all the wrong things, when all I wanted to do was treat myself..
For instance.. I was trying on a few pairs of jeans.. oops..wrong move Niamh.. I shouldn't have even considered buying a new pair.. Why not? Well, because I'm getting fatter and fatter, so I won't be able to fit them for much longer, and because I could see myself in a full length mirror and it was disgusting, and because there was simply no point.. What do I need a pair of jeans for if I don't have a life? I don't go anywhere, so what does it matter what I wear. I look hideous anyhow, and I don't fit an eleven-year olds' size anymore. So not a smart move on my behalf, thinking that a new pair of jeans were what I deserved. This goes for buying to do with my appearance.. A winter jacket? I never leave the house, so why would I even bother looking for one? It's too confronting and awful. I'm like a child. Something else about shopping for clothes..whenever I do try on something, it's just to be "active" for 15 minutes and get my appetite going, so I'll deserve some food and be hungry when I get home again.. how stupid and frustrating it all is.. I hate it so much. I used to love fashion. I still do, but I just don't see the point and I look gross anyhow..so if I'm wearing rags or not..what's the difference?? I still look and feel like disgusting. Anna was hating every minute of these 2 hours..I was in constant battle..One minute she'd leave me be myself and the next minute she'd suddenly reappear and want to have her own way. She makes me hate the world and everything about it..
Sometimes this feeling of hatred can get so bad..I hate people, I hate seeing how they live their normal daily lives, I even hate the English language. Every little thing that's said or done is enough for me to want to run as fast as I can and hide away from everyone. I then wan to escape, to scream and do whatever it is I need, to get rid of this awful feeling. But I can't. Because being apart of daily life is staying as normal as possible and ignoring it all and just getting on with it all. That seems so unfair..But that's the reality of it all, that's just life.
After being around the shops, we went home and I, again went back to bed for an hour of 2. We went out for a drink Saturday night. I had been gearing myself up for this all day. Mam had suggested it the night before, I didn't agree straight away, because I just can't let myself.. But the idea grew on me, and it was fine. So I told myself..I'm ignoring all the sh*t going on, the feelings of guilt, hatred and annoyance. I knew Anna would strike again, and probably twice as hard, because I was fighting her so much, but so be it. It was all okay. It was nice to be in a pub, but so loud and I felt so "fragile" and knew what I was doing was wrong... I could feel it all starting to brew. When we got home, I didn't really want to go to bed, because I knew another day was going to start and I felt that I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't want it to happen. But there was nothing I could do stop it. I could have sit up all night long, not letting myself go to sleep, but that would have just putting off the inevitable.
After an awful night sleep, I'm still feeling awful. I don't know in what kind of way I'm feeling awful. But food is making me angry. It's changes my mood, my behaviour and myself constantly and I don't want it to. I don't want anything, I don't want to hear or see anything.. Just because I've had a few good days, I'm paying for it. Not giving in to the guilt will always only postpone it all, and it will feel so much worse in the end, so I probably should have just given in. But I didn't want to. Why is that whenever I'm angry with myself or with the world, or when I'm in a bad mood and want to be alone and just hear nothing but silence around me, that I automatically don't want to eat? I don't know why that is, but it makes me so angry, because that only gives me something extra to feel bad about, along with all the other crap..(excuse my French..). So often I forget that all this is food-related. Sometimes I'm so focused on other things that I forget what it's all about, I forget the source of the problem is food.. This is something else that I don't quite understand.
I hate it all so much and want it to end.. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be left alone..forever..
Emma and Aiden are here. They got here on Thursday night. Since then I've been occupied, but not too much..
Friday wasn't a busy day at all. I was playing with Aiden for a short while and chatting to Emma. Around lunch time I went back to bed for 2 or 3 hours. Then we went to meet up with Da. I hadn't seen him in a while. We just went for a drink, which lasted for an hour. Afterwards, I stepped outside and I felt drunk. When all I had was a soda water and lime.. Don't you know the feeling you get when you've been in a pub in the afternoon and have had a couple of beers and you step outside and then it suddenly hits you..you're lightheaded and fuzzy..But when you were inside, you didn't feel it. Well, that's how I felt after an hour of just sitting and drinking water. Once we were back home, I went to bed again. I was exhausted. I had to get up at one stage, to have dinner.. Alone.. That night, all we did was sit around and watch a few dvds. Nothing exciting. My mood was okay and I wasn't feeling too guilty about being around people and enjoying myself.
Saturday was a busier day. But I wasn't as tired as Friday so I was able to deal with it. I was up at the usual time, around 8 (this is when I'm fully awake a rested..it's the bodyclock), and went back to bed for a while around lunch time again, for an hour or 2. We went down town then for a couple of hours. I was fairly switched on but now and then Anna was annoying me. She would whisper in my ear, making me feel like I'm doing all the wrong things, when all I wanted to do was treat myself..
For instance.. I was trying on a few pairs of jeans.. oops..wrong move Niamh.. I shouldn't have even considered buying a new pair.. Why not? Well, because I'm getting fatter and fatter, so I won't be able to fit them for much longer, and because I could see myself in a full length mirror and it was disgusting, and because there was simply no point.. What do I need a pair of jeans for if I don't have a life? I don't go anywhere, so what does it matter what I wear. I look hideous anyhow, and I don't fit an eleven-year olds' size anymore. So not a smart move on my behalf, thinking that a new pair of jeans were what I deserved. This goes for buying to do with my appearance.. A winter jacket? I never leave the house, so why would I even bother looking for one? It's too confronting and awful. I'm like a child. Something else about shopping for clothes..whenever I do try on something, it's just to be "active" for 15 minutes and get my appetite going, so I'll deserve some food and be hungry when I get home again.. how stupid and frustrating it all is.. I hate it so much. I used to love fashion. I still do, but I just don't see the point and I look gross anyhow..so if I'm wearing rags or not..what's the difference?? I still look and feel like disgusting. Anna was hating every minute of these 2 hours..I was in constant battle..One minute she'd leave me be myself and the next minute she'd suddenly reappear and want to have her own way. She makes me hate the world and everything about it..
Sometimes this feeling of hatred can get so bad..I hate people, I hate seeing how they live their normal daily lives, I even hate the English language. Every little thing that's said or done is enough for me to want to run as fast as I can and hide away from everyone. I then wan to escape, to scream and do whatever it is I need, to get rid of this awful feeling. But I can't. Because being apart of daily life is staying as normal as possible and ignoring it all and just getting on with it all. That seems so unfair..But that's the reality of it all, that's just life.
After being around the shops, we went home and I, again went back to bed for an hour of 2. We went out for a drink Saturday night. I had been gearing myself up for this all day. Mam had suggested it the night before, I didn't agree straight away, because I just can't let myself.. But the idea grew on me, and it was fine. So I told myself..I'm ignoring all the sh*t going on, the feelings of guilt, hatred and annoyance. I knew Anna would strike again, and probably twice as hard, because I was fighting her so much, but so be it. It was all okay. It was nice to be in a pub, but so loud and I felt so "fragile" and knew what I was doing was wrong... I could feel it all starting to brew. When we got home, I didn't really want to go to bed, because I knew another day was going to start and I felt that I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't want it to happen. But there was nothing I could do stop it. I could have sit up all night long, not letting myself go to sleep, but that would have just putting off the inevitable.
After an awful night sleep, I'm still feeling awful. I don't know in what kind of way I'm feeling awful. But food is making me angry. It's changes my mood, my behaviour and myself constantly and I don't want it to. I don't want anything, I don't want to hear or see anything.. Just because I've had a few good days, I'm paying for it. Not giving in to the guilt will always only postpone it all, and it will feel so much worse in the end, so I probably should have just given in. But I didn't want to. Why is that whenever I'm angry with myself or with the world, or when I'm in a bad mood and want to be alone and just hear nothing but silence around me, that I automatically don't want to eat? I don't know why that is, but it makes me so angry, because that only gives me something extra to feel bad about, along with all the other crap..(excuse my French..). So often I forget that all this is food-related. Sometimes I'm so focused on other things that I forget what it's all about, I forget the source of the problem is food.. This is something else that I don't quite understand.
I hate it all so much and want it to end.. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be left alone..forever..
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