A chuckle, a laugh, a giggle, a smile
Something I haven't seemed to do for a while
Everyone does it, day in, day out
But I just always have a constant pout
A roar of laughter, that makes your stomach hurt
Such a glorious feeling, forgetting the dirt
It awakens your senses and switches you on
Relieves the stress and the worries are gone
I love to laugh, but it's something I can't allow
I used to smile and laugh, but look at me now
Missing it so much but there's something that's blocking
A sense of humor inside and emotions that are shocking
Laugh until I cry and tears are expressing joy
Just let go and play with "humor" as it were a toy
Something I never appreciated or saw as being unique
It's now such a treasure, such a gifted streak
Like so many things I'm longing to regain
Smiles will soon fill the spots that are now pain
A chuckle, a laugh, a giggle, a smile
When I can do this without guilt, I'll have gone the extra mile..
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Making choices and changing directions..
I had a dream the other night...: I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. I had a different face.. I was a different person..
For a start, my face a huge. So it probably wasn't a dream, but more like a nightmare in which I had become obese (that's a different issue though). In the same dream, I dreamt about work, about my job back in Holland, that is still waiting for me by the way.. I had quit, in my dream that is.. So, when I woke up, I thought about it..maybe over-analyzed it a little.. I was myself, but different, making choices and changing direction.
I can't help worrying about my job, about what I'm going to do once I'm feeling better and about what sort of life is the right one for me. Well, I don't know if it's so much "worry", it's more "figuring out what I want". I hate my job, I never liked it, I just forced myself to stick it out for a year, just for the experience. I'm on "sick-leave" still, but I don't want to go back. It would be like stepping back again into the life I had before. It scares and depresses me at the same time. This period is like I'm starting over. It's like a new beginning for me. Well, that's how I choose to see it and that's what I'm going to make it.
They say that going through things, changes you, influences decisions you make in your life and your views. I've come to realize that by just being myself and by letting go and relieving myself from all the habits, stress and worries that I've always had, that my true person is coming to the surface. I'm learning to see the things that I see as important. Things that I treasure. Things that I value. So many questions are slowly being answered. Questions like "Why did if choose to study tourism?".."Why did I travel?".. "Why did I choose to stay in Holland after my year in Australia?". So many questions and I'm now realizing why I decided to do things the way I did. By finding these answers, I'm also finding out what really is important to me, and what I should be putting my energy into, what I want to focus on in life and what I want to dedicate most of my time to.
By just letting myself be me, I realize that I can occupy my mind in whatever way I want to. I'm becoming aware that just taking up a certain hobby or choosing a certain job, because "that's what's expected of me", or because "that's what I studied in college".. is a major shame. What's the point? Being stuck in a rut, or unhappy in a job. Why be unhappy in the long run? Just because I took the easy way out?
I can understand fully, how a job or career can make somebody unhappy. Think about it... If you have to focus your mind on something you hate doing, something that makes you feel unworthy, something that makes you feel less than you are, something you don't want to associate yourself with, something that is holding you back from being the person you want to be..putting 40 hours a week of your time, energy and dedication..over and over again into something you don't want, is bound to have an influence on your life. It's unavoidable.
Some people would be able to see their job and their personal life as 2 separate things. Work is just to put the bread on the table and it therefore doesn't matter what it is. I can relate to this 100%. (anybody who knows me, knows I'll do any job..not really caring what it is..). But I've come to realize, it's such a waste when someone who feels so strongly about certain things in life and has such a longing and a passion, can't see the opportunities that life offers. Or that someone doesn't dare to take the risks in order to go out there and make things happen..
Again, it's the story of "choices". People choose to give certain things in their life priority. Not everyone wants a dream job. It wouldn't make them happy at the end of the day. Maybe a thriving social life is their priority, or having a family home.. Everyone is different. Different things make different people happy.
The point I'm trying to make, or the thing I'm trying to figure out is, is that it can seem slightly pointless in putting so much effort, time and energy into doing things, whether it be a hobby or a job, if your heart isn't in it. It won't make you happier, it doesn't give you any joy or fulfillment. Things are never black and white, I know. However, If a persons gets the chance to figure out for themselves (without being influenced by other people or by decisions made in the past) what it is that they feel is worthwhile and deserves all their energy and what they choose to let their life revolve around, will be the most uplifting thing a person could ever do.
When I relate this to my life..I now know, that I don't have to work in a "Internet travel-agency" just because I once said I wanted to be a travel-agent. I hate working there. I'm just a number and I know I have so much more to offer. It isn't fulfilling, it doesn't give me a sense of achievement. Anybody, with or without a personality can do it. I want so much more. I'm sick of worrying about what's going to happen months down the line, on the job-front. I don't want to worry.. Life's too short. Instead I want to dream about what I would love to do, what I enjoy, what I'm good at and what will make me feel like I'm making a difference.
There's so much out there. The opportunities are endless. I want to feel like I deserve to thrive on making the right decisions. I've always done what I've wanted to do and chosen the adventures myself and made them happen. I can do that again, but for the right reasons. The reasons NOT being.."because that's what's expected of me"..or "because I once said it, now I have to prove that I can do it"..or.."If I'm not being adventurous and living to the full, I'm not a happy person".. These are the wrong reasons.. Things that I choose to do will be because I want to experience and thrive and grow and learn.. I have my own life (well, at the moment, not really, but I will again, soon..) and the decisions I make are my own, for me and the reasons are also mine. I have to let go of feeling the need to prove myself to others. That doesn't make me happy. I don't have to prove myself to ME either. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can do. And I'm just so excited about what awaits, about what lies ahead and about all the good and bad things that life will throw at me along the way.. Because at the end of the day, life's too short but so so sweet..
For a start, my face a huge. So it probably wasn't a dream, but more like a nightmare in which I had become obese (that's a different issue though). In the same dream, I dreamt about work, about my job back in Holland, that is still waiting for me by the way.. I had quit, in my dream that is.. So, when I woke up, I thought about it..maybe over-analyzed it a little.. I was myself, but different, making choices and changing direction.
I can't help worrying about my job, about what I'm going to do once I'm feeling better and about what sort of life is the right one for me. Well, I don't know if it's so much "worry", it's more "figuring out what I want". I hate my job, I never liked it, I just forced myself to stick it out for a year, just for the experience. I'm on "sick-leave" still, but I don't want to go back. It would be like stepping back again into the life I had before. It scares and depresses me at the same time. This period is like I'm starting over. It's like a new beginning for me. Well, that's how I choose to see it and that's what I'm going to make it.
They say that going through things, changes you, influences decisions you make in your life and your views. I've come to realize that by just being myself and by letting go and relieving myself from all the habits, stress and worries that I've always had, that my true person is coming to the surface. I'm learning to see the things that I see as important. Things that I treasure. Things that I value. So many questions are slowly being answered. Questions like "Why did if choose to study tourism?".."Why did I travel?".. "Why did I choose to stay in Holland after my year in Australia?". So many questions and I'm now realizing why I decided to do things the way I did. By finding these answers, I'm also finding out what really is important to me, and what I should be putting my energy into, what I want to focus on in life and what I want to dedicate most of my time to.
By just letting myself be me, I realize that I can occupy my mind in whatever way I want to. I'm becoming aware that just taking up a certain hobby or choosing a certain job, because "that's what's expected of me", or because "that's what I studied in college".. is a major shame. What's the point? Being stuck in a rut, or unhappy in a job. Why be unhappy in the long run? Just because I took the easy way out?
I can understand fully, how a job or career can make somebody unhappy. Think about it... If you have to focus your mind on something you hate doing, something that makes you feel unworthy, something that makes you feel less than you are, something you don't want to associate yourself with, something that is holding you back from being the person you want to be..putting 40 hours a week of your time, energy and dedication..over and over again into something you don't want, is bound to have an influence on your life. It's unavoidable.
Some people would be able to see their job and their personal life as 2 separate things. Work is just to put the bread on the table and it therefore doesn't matter what it is. I can relate to this 100%. (anybody who knows me, knows I'll do any job..not really caring what it is..). But I've come to realize, it's such a waste when someone who feels so strongly about certain things in life and has such a longing and a passion, can't see the opportunities that life offers. Or that someone doesn't dare to take the risks in order to go out there and make things happen..
Again, it's the story of "choices". People choose to give certain things in their life priority. Not everyone wants a dream job. It wouldn't make them happy at the end of the day. Maybe a thriving social life is their priority, or having a family home.. Everyone is different. Different things make different people happy.
The point I'm trying to make, or the thing I'm trying to figure out is, is that it can seem slightly pointless in putting so much effort, time and energy into doing things, whether it be a hobby or a job, if your heart isn't in it. It won't make you happier, it doesn't give you any joy or fulfillment. Things are never black and white, I know. However, If a persons gets the chance to figure out for themselves (without being influenced by other people or by decisions made in the past) what it is that they feel is worthwhile and deserves all their energy and what they choose to let their life revolve around, will be the most uplifting thing a person could ever do.
When I relate this to my life..I now know, that I don't have to work in a "Internet travel-agency" just because I once said I wanted to be a travel-agent. I hate working there. I'm just a number and I know I have so much more to offer. It isn't fulfilling, it doesn't give me a sense of achievement. Anybody, with or without a personality can do it. I want so much more. I'm sick of worrying about what's going to happen months down the line, on the job-front. I don't want to worry.. Life's too short. Instead I want to dream about what I would love to do, what I enjoy, what I'm good at and what will make me feel like I'm making a difference.
There's so much out there. The opportunities are endless. I want to feel like I deserve to thrive on making the right decisions. I've always done what I've wanted to do and chosen the adventures myself and made them happen. I can do that again, but for the right reasons. The reasons NOT being.."because that's what's expected of me"..or "because I once said it, now I have to prove that I can do it"..or.."If I'm not being adventurous and living to the full, I'm not a happy person".. These are the wrong reasons.. Things that I choose to do will be because I want to experience and thrive and grow and learn.. I have my own life (well, at the moment, not really, but I will again, soon..) and the decisions I make are my own, for me and the reasons are also mine. I have to let go of feeling the need to prove myself to others. That doesn't make me happy. I don't have to prove myself to ME either. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can do. And I'm just so excited about what awaits, about what lies ahead and about all the good and bad things that life will throw at me along the way.. Because at the end of the day, life's too short but so so sweet..
Friday, September 26, 2008
Running and walking..which comes first?
Everybody knows the saying.. "learn to walk, before you can run".
I've always known the meaning of course, but I'm only now experiencing first hand, how it can be put into practice. Whenever you try to run before you can walk, it only causes frustration, confusion and even anger.
Taking this phrase literally..
I've been trying to see if I can walk at a faster pace. How it stands at the moment..I go through life at a snails pace.. I only wanted to see if I could move at a normal speed.. (I only took only a few steps, from the computer to the sitting room and back again..) And it, unfortunately, doesn't come instantly.. It's a process of rebuilding and retraining. As with everything I seem to have to re-learn to do.. I also have to "train" myself to be able to go through daily life at a normal speed again. But, as I've noticed, walking at a normal speed, puts pressure on me (legs and chest). I can only do it for extremely short distances, but then I'm beat and I need a rest. The other week I tried to run up the stairs. I made it and then I ran down again.. again pressure on my chest and sore fragile wobbly legs..
I've been resting a lot the past weeks.. "resting" as in, sitting down constantly, having a lie-down now and then, not walking hardly anywhere, constantly taking it easy and doing everything at snails-pace. But my legs are still not as they should be. I haven't walked to the garage in weeks. Whenever I rest my legs (having them stretched out in front of me) for longer than 30 minutes or an hour, they start to ache and throb. The same feeling you get when you've gone for a really long walk and you don't feel how sore and tired your legs are until you sit or lie-down. Well, that's the feeling I've been getting for the past 2 weeks or so. I hope it's just my muscles recuperating after all the hours and hours of walking I used to do every week, they are probably only now starting to feel the strain they were under. The doctor wanted to give me some gel for them, but I'd rather just feel a little bit uncomfortable until they are stronger again. That way, I'll feel them healing and know that I'm progressing.. It might sound a little weird, but I don't care..
I can't remember how "fast" I used to be in daily life. I can't remember if I ever felt tired from doing things at a normal pace. Well, I think if I did feel tired because of it, I would remember. But now, I've slowed down so much, I'm scared that I'll never get that "normal pace" back again. Will it just take time? Or will I have re-programmed my brain and now forever be slow at everything? Maybe it's just my energy that's so low and therefore I can't be fast at anything.. I'm not too sure, but I'm "running" ahead of myself again..
Learning to walk before I can run.. This goes for my legs, but also for my meals, and for my worries and thoughts.. I have to stop getting a head of myself.. I'm allowing myself to give me small nudges instead of big pushes. I'm not going to bully myself.. It's the same old story over and over again.. But hey, it's just a reminder to myself.. Because everybody knows, old habits are hard to break..
I've always known the meaning of course, but I'm only now experiencing first hand, how it can be put into practice. Whenever you try to run before you can walk, it only causes frustration, confusion and even anger.
Taking this phrase literally..
I've been trying to see if I can walk at a faster pace. How it stands at the moment..I go through life at a snails pace.. I only wanted to see if I could move at a normal speed.. (I only took only a few steps, from the computer to the sitting room and back again..) And it, unfortunately, doesn't come instantly.. It's a process of rebuilding and retraining. As with everything I seem to have to re-learn to do.. I also have to "train" myself to be able to go through daily life at a normal speed again. But, as I've noticed, walking at a normal speed, puts pressure on me (legs and chest). I can only do it for extremely short distances, but then I'm beat and I need a rest. The other week I tried to run up the stairs. I made it and then I ran down again.. again pressure on my chest and sore fragile wobbly legs..
I've been resting a lot the past weeks.. "resting" as in, sitting down constantly, having a lie-down now and then, not walking hardly anywhere, constantly taking it easy and doing everything at snails-pace. But my legs are still not as they should be. I haven't walked to the garage in weeks. Whenever I rest my legs (having them stretched out in front of me) for longer than 30 minutes or an hour, they start to ache and throb. The same feeling you get when you've gone for a really long walk and you don't feel how sore and tired your legs are until you sit or lie-down. Well, that's the feeling I've been getting for the past 2 weeks or so. I hope it's just my muscles recuperating after all the hours and hours of walking I used to do every week, they are probably only now starting to feel the strain they were under. The doctor wanted to give me some gel for them, but I'd rather just feel a little bit uncomfortable until they are stronger again. That way, I'll feel them healing and know that I'm progressing.. It might sound a little weird, but I don't care..
I can't remember how "fast" I used to be in daily life. I can't remember if I ever felt tired from doing things at a normal pace. Well, I think if I did feel tired because of it, I would remember. But now, I've slowed down so much, I'm scared that I'll never get that "normal pace" back again. Will it just take time? Or will I have re-programmed my brain and now forever be slow at everything? Maybe it's just my energy that's so low and therefore I can't be fast at anything.. I'm not too sure, but I'm "running" ahead of myself again..
Learning to walk before I can run.. This goes for my legs, but also for my meals, and for my worries and thoughts.. I have to stop getting a head of myself.. I'm allowing myself to give me small nudges instead of big pushes. I'm not going to bully myself.. It's the same old story over and over again.. But hey, it's just a reminder to myself.. Because everybody knows, old habits are hard to break..
Hungry for life
Every bite I take, I wish it was my last
My stomach doesn't and will digest it fast
I'm scared when I eat because I know I'll want more
And I need to react and I can no longer ignore
To get better I must eat if my stomach rumbles or not
But I'm scared to overeat and slowly loose the plot
Because the hungrier I get the more I'll need to eat
And without me wanting this, I'll be turning to meat
I'm so hungry for life and craving to win this fight
I don't know how to feed myself this dream I have in sight
I was never ever wanting to again feel hungry for food
But hunger plus food equals a life in my own good mood
I'm fighting with myself and know I have to feel
I never imagined that reacting to hunger wouldn't appeal
Why does it scare me?.. I don't want to feel anymore fear
I just want to enjoy my food without Anna in my ear
It's confusing, frustrating and makes me feel weak
Anna can therefore make my days never-ending and bleak
I hate her so much for taking everything away
And for wanting me to always neglect and punish Fay
Depriving myself of food is preventing myself to live
The goodness the soul can take and that food will always give
But reacting to my hunger-pains causes other things to rise
Things that scare me and things that I despise
I'm so tired and really want to eat without going mad
I don't want to always feel so guilty, so fat and so bad
I'm so hungry for life, my insides are bursting to be set free
But I'm so scared to feel the hunger that I need to just be "me"
My stomach doesn't and will digest it fast
I'm scared when I eat because I know I'll want more
And I need to react and I can no longer ignore
To get better I must eat if my stomach rumbles or not
But I'm scared to overeat and slowly loose the plot
Because the hungrier I get the more I'll need to eat
And without me wanting this, I'll be turning to meat
I'm so hungry for life and craving to win this fight
I don't know how to feed myself this dream I have in sight
I was never ever wanting to again feel hungry for food
But hunger plus food equals a life in my own good mood
I'm fighting with myself and know I have to feel
I never imagined that reacting to hunger wouldn't appeal
Why does it scare me?.. I don't want to feel anymore fear
I just want to enjoy my food without Anna in my ear
It's confusing, frustrating and makes me feel weak
Anna can therefore make my days never-ending and bleak
I hate her so much for taking everything away
And for wanting me to always neglect and punish Fay
Depriving myself of food is preventing myself to live
The goodness the soul can take and that food will always give
But reacting to my hunger-pains causes other things to rise
Things that scare me and things that I despise
I'm so tired and really want to eat without going mad
I don't want to always feel so guilty, so fat and so bad
I'm so hungry for life, my insides are bursting to be set free
But I'm so scared to feel the hunger that I need to just be "me"
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Floating and Buzzing
I was really looking forward to getting my treatment today from Mr. acupuncturist. It was another treatment well worth waiting for.
I get it done once a week, even though it comes around so quickly, I always look forward to it.
The amount of needles was the same as last week, but now stuck in different parts of my stomach. It lasted an hour, a little longer than usual and I enjoyed every minute of it. Totally relaxed, totally chilled.
"Gearing" myself up for an hour of relaxation sounds strange. But that's the only way I get the most out of it. Preparing to just give in to the feelings and sensations that come and go. And it works because I was floating the entire hour and I felt this buzzing and tingling sensation constantly.. Amazing it was. Whereas last week the tingling only lasted a few seconds. Even though concerns and worries were going round my head, at the same time, the floating feeling was so strong that it overpowered any other feelings, either emotional or psychical. The longer the needles were stuck into my legs and stomach, the more effect they were having. At one stage I felt as though I was rising upwards and that I was stepping out of my skin. My arms were heavy, the muscles in my legs were aching but it wasn't overbearing, my head was fuzzy and it was being pulled back into the pillow. Then, while I was stepping out of my skin, it was like my head started to rise and my neck automatically became longer and stronger.. and I was standing "tall" and strong and my arms were open and I was so happy, literally standing on top of the world..Liberated..
Okay..PAUSE.. This was all in my head of course. Because I was still lying on the table with 16 needles stuck into me and to an outsider I would have looked tired and peaceful, or bored even. But still I continued to float..feeling free and relaxed and fuzzy..and then SMACK.. back down to planet earth.. Ralph entered the room.. Treatment over.. Bummer.. Reality check. Yes, I was still me, still all in tact. Just amazingly revived..
Sounds like a trip, I know. I just love it so much. But I still haven't been able to actually look down at all the needles stuck into me, during the treatment, because I think that might freak me out totally.. I hope to feel as chilled now for the rest of the week, as I do right at this moment. I also got some other Chinese medicine, to help take the "edge" off all the emotions that have been arising the past few weeks, it should also help me food to settle more which will keep on stimulating my digestive system. We'll see how it goes. But for now, it's all good..
I get it done once a week, even though it comes around so quickly, I always look forward to it.
The amount of needles was the same as last week, but now stuck in different parts of my stomach. It lasted an hour, a little longer than usual and I enjoyed every minute of it. Totally relaxed, totally chilled.
"Gearing" myself up for an hour of relaxation sounds strange. But that's the only way I get the most out of it. Preparing to just give in to the feelings and sensations that come and go. And it works because I was floating the entire hour and I felt this buzzing and tingling sensation constantly.. Amazing it was. Whereas last week the tingling only lasted a few seconds. Even though concerns and worries were going round my head, at the same time, the floating feeling was so strong that it overpowered any other feelings, either emotional or psychical. The longer the needles were stuck into my legs and stomach, the more effect they were having. At one stage I felt as though I was rising upwards and that I was stepping out of my skin. My arms were heavy, the muscles in my legs were aching but it wasn't overbearing, my head was fuzzy and it was being pulled back into the pillow. Then, while I was stepping out of my skin, it was like my head started to rise and my neck automatically became longer and stronger.. and I was standing "tall" and strong and my arms were open and I was so happy, literally standing on top of the world..Liberated..
Okay..PAUSE.. This was all in my head of course. Because I was still lying on the table with 16 needles stuck into me and to an outsider I would have looked tired and peaceful, or bored even. But still I continued to float..feeling free and relaxed and fuzzy..and then SMACK.. back down to planet earth.. Ralph entered the room.. Treatment over.. Bummer.. Reality check. Yes, I was still me, still all in tact. Just amazingly revived..
Sounds like a trip, I know. I just love it so much. But I still haven't been able to actually look down at all the needles stuck into me, during the treatment, because I think that might freak me out totally.. I hope to feel as chilled now for the rest of the week, as I do right at this moment. I also got some other Chinese medicine, to help take the "edge" off all the emotions that have been arising the past few weeks, it should also help me food to settle more which will keep on stimulating my digestive system. We'll see how it goes. But for now, it's all good..
Niamh can also be rational
I'm just back from my weekly acupuncture session.
It was all very brief this week. He wanted to know how last week had gone. I filled him in telling him that I struggled more with the amount of food. He looked at me as if I had been very bold.. Like he was going to put me in the corner (remember the way teachers used to do that in school, you would have to stand facing the corner, think about how bad your bahaviour was and feel ashamed for what you did). I didn't only get that look once, but twice.. oh yes.. I got the look again when I told him that I hadn't been taking the right amount of Chinese medicine that I've been taking for weeks (to strengthen my spleen and increase my appetite)..oops.. I'm very bold indeed. Oh well..I'm sure he'll get over it.
I sat there and I all of a sudden felt like I hadn't made any progress at all.. I felt as though I hadn't been trying and I felt like I hadn't worked hard enough at getting better. Well that's what it sounded like, as I was confessing.. All because I missed a few pieces of fruit and juices last week and because I wasn't feeling happy about eating and I wasn't sticking to his medicine.. That's not a crime surely? And I was eating last week.. I finished every dinner that was put in front of me.. I was constantly eating.. Apart from Sunday when I had a really bad day, but other than that, I was doing it all as I should be, wasn't I?
After yesterday being told "Niamh, you're having too much rest" by the doctor, and today being told by Ralph that "if you don't take the medicine Niamh, it's not going to work is it?".. I feel like I've let everybody down, and that I'm not doing enough. What a load of bull..(excuse my French...).
I'm sick of everybody pushing and pulling me all these different directions. I'm trying my best here, and if it's not good enough, well tough! I can't do more than I'm already doing..okay I should stick to Ralphs' Chinese medicine..I know.. But other than that, there's only so much emotions a person can deal with in the space of a week. And there's only so much food my body can digest..
Everyday this week, I've been getting different signals from different people.. Monday..Diann: "Niamh, the amount of work you're doing is immense and you're working so unbelievably hard, you're an inspiration". Tuesday..the doctor Siobhan: "Niamh, that's too much bedrest, you need to get out the house". Today..Ralph: "You really need to keep up the eating and the medicine..or else it won't work..".. Bla bla bla..
Siobhan was pleased that I had put on weight. I told Ralph my weight today and I could tell that he wasn't that pleased..it wasn't enough and I need to keep on putting it on... GIVE ME A CHANCE!!
It wrecks with my head, and I don't know what to think anymore... Well, that's my first reaction. But then of course, once it all settles, I know full well what to think and who to listen to and who to ignore. I know what I need to do, and I can rationalize it all, even though I'm giving out stink about them all (I'm such an awful person to talk about everyone so badly, when all they want is for me to keep on fighting Anna).
I know that Diann is the one I have to listen to. I know what Siobhan meant by saying that I have to get out of the house more (even though, the thing it triggered first of all..was the "active Niamh" and the "never being lazy Niamh"), she feels that it will keep me sane, just getting out, even if it's only going down to the shops for an hour. I know what she means. I know what Ralph means as well, about the medicine.. It will stimulate my appetite, which will help me to be psychically able to eat my daily menu which will keep training my digestive system, which will increase my appetite even more which means more "extra's" on my food-plan will be manageable.. which will keep me feeding myself, and my weight will keep on going up and up as will my energy as will my strength.. Doesn't it make so much sense and doesn't it sound like a process that could be rebuilt within a few days? Well, I've been working on the process now for weeks and weeks. And, as they say: Rome wasn't built in a day... The same goes for my my new body and new found strength and energy. I can't get ahead of myself, I'm can't force it and I can't click my fingers..I wish I could. Actually, no I don't. I wouldn't want to click my fingers..This is my road-trip after all, and road-trips are always more fun than what I'll experience once I get to my destination..well that's what they're known for anyway..
Once I get to my destination, I'll be sure to let you know if that's true or not..
It was all very brief this week. He wanted to know how last week had gone. I filled him in telling him that I struggled more with the amount of food. He looked at me as if I had been very bold.. Like he was going to put me in the corner (remember the way teachers used to do that in school, you would have to stand facing the corner, think about how bad your bahaviour was and feel ashamed for what you did). I didn't only get that look once, but twice.. oh yes.. I got the look again when I told him that I hadn't been taking the right amount of Chinese medicine that I've been taking for weeks (to strengthen my spleen and increase my appetite)..oops.. I'm very bold indeed. Oh well..I'm sure he'll get over it.
I sat there and I all of a sudden felt like I hadn't made any progress at all.. I felt as though I hadn't been trying and I felt like I hadn't worked hard enough at getting better. Well that's what it sounded like, as I was confessing.. All because I missed a few pieces of fruit and juices last week and because I wasn't feeling happy about eating and I wasn't sticking to his medicine.. That's not a crime surely? And I was eating last week.. I finished every dinner that was put in front of me.. I was constantly eating.. Apart from Sunday when I had a really bad day, but other than that, I was doing it all as I should be, wasn't I?
After yesterday being told "Niamh, you're having too much rest" by the doctor, and today being told by Ralph that "if you don't take the medicine Niamh, it's not going to work is it?".. I feel like I've let everybody down, and that I'm not doing enough. What a load of bull..(excuse my French...).
I'm sick of everybody pushing and pulling me all these different directions. I'm trying my best here, and if it's not good enough, well tough! I can't do more than I'm already doing..okay I should stick to Ralphs' Chinese medicine..I know.. But other than that, there's only so much emotions a person can deal with in the space of a week. And there's only so much food my body can digest..
Everyday this week, I've been getting different signals from different people.. Monday..Diann: "Niamh, the amount of work you're doing is immense and you're working so unbelievably hard, you're an inspiration". Tuesday..the doctor Siobhan: "Niamh, that's too much bedrest, you need to get out the house". Today..Ralph: "You really need to keep up the eating and the medicine..or else it won't work..".. Bla bla bla..
Siobhan was pleased that I had put on weight. I told Ralph my weight today and I could tell that he wasn't that pleased..it wasn't enough and I need to keep on putting it on... GIVE ME A CHANCE!!
It wrecks with my head, and I don't know what to think anymore... Well, that's my first reaction. But then of course, once it all settles, I know full well what to think and who to listen to and who to ignore. I know what I need to do, and I can rationalize it all, even though I'm giving out stink about them all (I'm such an awful person to talk about everyone so badly, when all they want is for me to keep on fighting Anna).
I know that Diann is the one I have to listen to. I know what Siobhan meant by saying that I have to get out of the house more (even though, the thing it triggered first of all..was the "active Niamh" and the "never being lazy Niamh"), she feels that it will keep me sane, just getting out, even if it's only going down to the shops for an hour. I know what she means. I know what Ralph means as well, about the medicine.. It will stimulate my appetite, which will help me to be psychically able to eat my daily menu which will keep training my digestive system, which will increase my appetite even more which means more "extra's" on my food-plan will be manageable.. which will keep me feeding myself, and my weight will keep on going up and up as will my energy as will my strength.. Doesn't it make so much sense and doesn't it sound like a process that could be rebuilt within a few days? Well, I've been working on the process now for weeks and weeks. And, as they say: Rome wasn't built in a day... The same goes for my my new body and new found strength and energy. I can't get ahead of myself, I'm can't force it and I can't click my fingers..I wish I could. Actually, no I don't. I wouldn't want to click my fingers..This is my road-trip after all, and road-trips are always more fun than what I'll experience once I get to my destination..well that's what they're known for anyway..
Once I get to my destination, I'll be sure to let you know if that's true or not..
GENERAL Practitioner
It was time to go to the doctor. Just a check-up.. Ma and Diann felt that I needed to go. But if it were up to me, I wouldn't have gone near the place.
I've been having dizzy spells and the shakes the past few days. So yesterday we went, I got my bloods done. That was all fine, no problems. I knew there was nothing to worry about anyhow.. And my blood-pressure and stuff was all okay too.
I hadn't seen the doctor, Siobhan, since the 7th of August. Which is over 6 weeks. A lot has happened since then. So of course she would see straight away if I was doing better or worse. She said I was looking better than the last time, still a little pale, but she could see progress. I didn't want to hear this, it was awful. She made me stand on the weighing scales too. I didn't want to. It was around 6 weeks since the last time I stood on one. I was slightly freaked out. But I stood on it, and of course I've put on weight. Not as much as I expected. But it was still awful. It made me feel like so bad. And all Mam and Siobhan were doing was saying how great I am and how pleased they are and how well I'm doing..bla bla bla.. I was so angry, really I was. With them both. It's probably the first time I was actually angry at other people and not at myself. It totally pissed me off, I cannot describe it. All of a sudden they are the experts..?? They were sitting there, talking as if they know I feel, but they don't. They can't and they never will. Saying "she's doing all the right things".. and "you've come so far mentally..".. bla bla bla.. "and Diann is so great.." bla bla bla.. Excuse me.. isn't it ME that's doing the work here? Not Diann? Suddenly Diann's taking all the credit for me getting better? Well, that's just so not the case I'm afraid.. I could easily resist the treatment, I could ignore everything and everyone, and not get better, really I could. If that were the case, what would everybody be saying about Diann then? That she's not that great? If I were to resist treatment it wouldn't matter what Diann says or does.. People seem to forget that I'm doing all the work here. And it's bloody hard and I'm totally sick of it.. I've had it so much, and I'm tired and I feel like so sh*t.
Then Siobhan turns around and tells me that I'm resting too much. What? Excuse me.. the whole point of trying to get my strength back and to fight Anna is to get out my old habits of constantly being active and busy and doing things all day long. How could she say that to me? That just totally triggered off my whole bad way of thinking.. "I'm being lazy, I have to do things and keep busy".. There me was me, thinking I was doing so well, and she goes and tells me that I'm resting too much. It took me weeks to get myself to slow down, to let myself regain energy and strength. I'm supposed to be learning to listen to my body and feel whenever things get too much for me, both psychically and mentally. Just one comment like that, throws me off guard.. Who does she think she is?
The name GENERAL PRACTITIONER comes into mind.. GENERAL.. not specialized in dealing with people who have eating disorders.. But I really couldn't believe it. It has totally wrecked my head.. Who am I supposed to listen to now? All these people, telling me so many different things.. It's not right to throw me like that, and to mess with my head. And it makes angry all over again, because I didn't even need to see because there was nothing wrong.. God, I hate this so much.
Last night I was even tempted to ring Diann.. I couldn't go for the next 5 days, carrying this around with me.. and feeling the need to now push myself, even when I know I'm not able for it.. I needed to talk to her, just for her to say.. "Niamh, if you need bed-rest.. have it.." But of course I didn't.. I just cried and cried and shut myself off, and yes Siobhan, I went to bed.. And you know what, I don't care, I'm not listening to her..
I was so angry with everyone. Is everybody happy now, that going to see Siobhan has now ruined my week, that started off so well? Everybody, grinning at me.. all smug..and me feeling so so bad.. Well, everybody got what they wanted..I hope yous are all happy now.. because one thing's for sure..I'm not, but that doesn't seem to matter..
I want this all to end so much and for it all to go away..
I've been having dizzy spells and the shakes the past few days. So yesterday we went, I got my bloods done. That was all fine, no problems. I knew there was nothing to worry about anyhow.. And my blood-pressure and stuff was all okay too.
I hadn't seen the doctor, Siobhan, since the 7th of August. Which is over 6 weeks. A lot has happened since then. So of course she would see straight away if I was doing better or worse. She said I was looking better than the last time, still a little pale, but she could see progress. I didn't want to hear this, it was awful. She made me stand on the weighing scales too. I didn't want to. It was around 6 weeks since the last time I stood on one. I was slightly freaked out. But I stood on it, and of course I've put on weight. Not as much as I expected. But it was still awful. It made me feel like so bad. And all Mam and Siobhan were doing was saying how great I am and how pleased they are and how well I'm doing..bla bla bla.. I was so angry, really I was. With them both. It's probably the first time I was actually angry at other people and not at myself. It totally pissed me off, I cannot describe it. All of a sudden they are the experts..?? They were sitting there, talking as if they know I feel, but they don't. They can't and they never will. Saying "she's doing all the right things".. and "you've come so far mentally..".. bla bla bla.. "and Diann is so great.." bla bla bla.. Excuse me.. isn't it ME that's doing the work here? Not Diann? Suddenly Diann's taking all the credit for me getting better? Well, that's just so not the case I'm afraid.. I could easily resist the treatment, I could ignore everything and everyone, and not get better, really I could. If that were the case, what would everybody be saying about Diann then? That she's not that great? If I were to resist treatment it wouldn't matter what Diann says or does.. People seem to forget that I'm doing all the work here. And it's bloody hard and I'm totally sick of it.. I've had it so much, and I'm tired and I feel like so sh*t.
Then Siobhan turns around and tells me that I'm resting too much. What? Excuse me.. the whole point of trying to get my strength back and to fight Anna is to get out my old habits of constantly being active and busy and doing things all day long. How could she say that to me? That just totally triggered off my whole bad way of thinking.. "I'm being lazy, I have to do things and keep busy".. There me was me, thinking I was doing so well, and she goes and tells me that I'm resting too much. It took me weeks to get myself to slow down, to let myself regain energy and strength. I'm supposed to be learning to listen to my body and feel whenever things get too much for me, both psychically and mentally. Just one comment like that, throws me off guard.. Who does she think she is?
The name GENERAL PRACTITIONER comes into mind.. GENERAL.. not specialized in dealing with people who have eating disorders.. But I really couldn't believe it. It has totally wrecked my head.. Who am I supposed to listen to now? All these people, telling me so many different things.. It's not right to throw me like that, and to mess with my head. And it makes angry all over again, because I didn't even need to see because there was nothing wrong.. God, I hate this so much.
Last night I was even tempted to ring Diann.. I couldn't go for the next 5 days, carrying this around with me.. and feeling the need to now push myself, even when I know I'm not able for it.. I needed to talk to her, just for her to say.. "Niamh, if you need bed-rest.. have it.." But of course I didn't.. I just cried and cried and shut myself off, and yes Siobhan, I went to bed.. And you know what, I don't care, I'm not listening to her..
I was so angry with everyone. Is everybody happy now, that going to see Siobhan has now ruined my week, that started off so well? Everybody, grinning at me.. all smug..and me feeling so so bad.. Well, everybody got what they wanted..I hope yous are all happy now.. because one thing's for sure..I'm not, but that doesn't seem to matter..
I want this all to end so much and for it all to go away..
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thoughts come to life
Escaping from the thoughts, letting them go
Running through life and going with the flow
This sounds good or so it may seem
But in the end you won't be so keen
Impossible to bury, but so easy at first
In time you'll realize, you're about to burst
They will catch you soon and all will be revealed
Those thoughts you THOUGHT you kept so well concealed
Storing them deep, it's an easy way out
But only temporarily please have no doubt
The filling continues as does your every day
Being happy and fulfilled no matter what your mind may say
The storing and filing cannot go on forever
Not if you long to feel light like a feather
It becomes a blockage, that will slowly overtake
Ruling your life and not seeing that YOU are at stake
The barrier is there and is hard to break down
Years in the making so it'll want to stand it's ground
Hard work must commence to find out how it all begun
It was back in the day when filing the thoughts was fun
At this moment it doesn't feel like fun anymore
Regretting not seeing that a thought isn't sore
Now it's wiser to deal with a thought as it comes along
And not filing it away in a cabinet it doesn't belong
Each worry, doubt or problem you may face
Try to deal with it and forget the daily race
It clears your mind, it's now free and can rest
And it leaves room for you to be at your true best
Relieve a worry, let it get some fresh air
It's there for a reason and deserves some care
Once it's relieved, life will keep going
You can join in and will be happy whilst glowing..
Running through life and going with the flow
This sounds good or so it may seem
But in the end you won't be so keen
Impossible to bury, but so easy at first
In time you'll realize, you're about to burst
They will catch you soon and all will be revealed
Those thoughts you THOUGHT you kept so well concealed
Storing them deep, it's an easy way out
But only temporarily please have no doubt
The filling continues as does your every day
Being happy and fulfilled no matter what your mind may say
The storing and filing cannot go on forever
Not if you long to feel light like a feather
It becomes a blockage, that will slowly overtake
Ruling your life and not seeing that YOU are at stake
The barrier is there and is hard to break down
Years in the making so it'll want to stand it's ground
Hard work must commence to find out how it all begun
It was back in the day when filing the thoughts was fun
At this moment it doesn't feel like fun anymore
Regretting not seeing that a thought isn't sore
Now it's wiser to deal with a thought as it comes along
And not filing it away in a cabinet it doesn't belong
Each worry, doubt or problem you may face
Try to deal with it and forget the daily race
It clears your mind, it's now free and can rest
And it leaves room for you to be at your true best
Relieve a worry, let it get some fresh air
It's there for a reason and deserves some care
Once it's relieved, life will keep going
You can join in and will be happy whilst glowing..
Monday, September 22, 2008
A Fragile Human Being
Last week was a hard week, and Friday was tricky. I set myself up for a minor breakdown, by pushing myself and forcing myself to be active and keep busy. I did this for 10 minutes, and then I emotionally "collapsed". I was back in bed 10 minutes later.. where I stayed. It was just me and my scary thoughts..
Diann asked me today why was it so scary and what was going on?
It was hard to explain.. The main thing was that during acupuncture I felt as if something was being released. This I felt for the first time and it set something off.. So Friday afternoon it carried on. I could feel myself being set free.. As I lay there I constantly had an image of myself and how I was living 6 months ago, in my room in Breda back in Holland. My life revolved around working, being active and not eating. I could see how isolated and trapped I felt back then. It was like being trapped inside my own body. I kept seeing myself, the person who I was trying to be or acting as I thought I should. I was comparing myself back then to myself now. As I lay in bed on a Friday afternoon, all alone, I could already feel the difference. I could feel the barriers open, even if it was only ever so slightly. The gates were opening for the first time and I felt a relief.. I was literally being set free.. I could feel that this was the start of something new, a new chapter, a "new" person with new ways. So much excitement, only to improve the quality of my life. All this, brought on by myself. Just by myself being "me". I was in a state of "being". I wasn't forcing and wasn't pushing. It was just happening which means it's the real me, I was being true to my feelings and that's what came to the surface..
And as I lay there, I was feeling so ill, bad and low, but I felt happier than I had done 6 months ago when I was still living my normal life.. It didn't matter how hard this period is for me right now, or how hard it has been. There's no where else I would wanted to be in the world, than snuggled up in my bed, alone with my thoughts.. At that moment, it was were I needed to be.. content in my discomfort, but not content due to Anna but content because I know Fay is in there and she can make my dreams a reality by nourishing me back to health. So I'm not mad at myself, But I'm glad that I've realized I'm a fragile human being, just like everyone else. I'm glad I've realized that I'm not invincible. I'm glad for the feelings I'm going through no matter how bad they get.
I always thought that I new myself so well. But I only new bits. Those were only a few sparkles of the diamond. But after this, the my diamond will shine in it's full glory. Because, just like everybody else in the world, I'm a worthy person, I'm allowed to be here and I'm allowed to live a life because there's so much more to a human being than just "being"..
Diann asked me today why was it so scary and what was going on?
It was hard to explain.. The main thing was that during acupuncture I felt as if something was being released. This I felt for the first time and it set something off.. So Friday afternoon it carried on. I could feel myself being set free.. As I lay there I constantly had an image of myself and how I was living 6 months ago, in my room in Breda back in Holland. My life revolved around working, being active and not eating. I could see how isolated and trapped I felt back then. It was like being trapped inside my own body. I kept seeing myself, the person who I was trying to be or acting as I thought I should. I was comparing myself back then to myself now. As I lay in bed on a Friday afternoon, all alone, I could already feel the difference. I could feel the barriers open, even if it was only ever so slightly. The gates were opening for the first time and I felt a relief.. I was literally being set free.. I could feel that this was the start of something new, a new chapter, a "new" person with new ways. So much excitement, only to improve the quality of my life. All this, brought on by myself. Just by myself being "me". I was in a state of "being". I wasn't forcing and wasn't pushing. It was just happening which means it's the real me, I was being true to my feelings and that's what came to the surface..
And as I lay there, I was feeling so ill, bad and low, but I felt happier than I had done 6 months ago when I was still living my normal life.. It didn't matter how hard this period is for me right now, or how hard it has been. There's no where else I would wanted to be in the world, than snuggled up in my bed, alone with my thoughts.. At that moment, it was were I needed to be.. content in my discomfort, but not content due to Anna but content because I know Fay is in there and she can make my dreams a reality by nourishing me back to health. So I'm not mad at myself, But I'm glad that I've realized I'm a fragile human being, just like everyone else. I'm glad I've realized that I'm not invincible. I'm glad for the feelings I'm going through no matter how bad they get.
I always thought that I new myself so well. But I only new bits. Those were only a few sparkles of the diamond. But after this, the my diamond will shine in it's full glory. Because, just like everybody else in the world, I'm a worthy person, I'm allowed to be here and I'm allowed to live a life because there's so much more to a human being than just "being"..
Cravings..
All day, every day, whenever I start to eat, I never want to stop. I want more..all the time, even when I'm full. I discussed this with Diann, and it's all part of the process even though it feels wrong.
Months ago I had the strength to switch this off and ignore it and go through life without giving in to hunger feelings and the cravings for certain food. But now, because I'm allowed all this food, well I actually need it and am supposed to have as much as possible, I'm wanting more all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm full or not. I'm want so much food. It makes me so scared of binging.. Everybody knows what that's like.. For example, you haven't had chocolate for weeks and you put it off for as long as possible, but then when you do start eating it, when you give in to your craving, you can't stop and you overeat. I'm terrified that it's going to start happening to me.. Diann reckons it will die down. I have to eat small amounts regularly. I expected these urges of stuffing my face to be gone by now because I've been eating so well for weeks and weeks.. But Diann said that it's my body knowing that I'm still underweight. Not until I'm at my "set-weight" will this slow down. What's my set-weight? 50 kilo's I reckon. But I don't want to go back to weighing that much.. I can't deal with that.. I know it's I'm thinking too far ahead now, but it still scares me. Sorry..slightly side-tracked..
Basically what this comes down to, is that my brain will constantly tell me to keep on eating, until I'm back up to my normal weight. Now that I'm hungry on a regular basis, it's even more tempting to stuff my face all day long.. That's the signals my brain is getting.. food, food and more food.. I'm coming out of "starvation-mode", my brain and stomach need to learn to work together again, to be "in sync", like it used to be.. Like anybodys' body, the stomach needs food so tells your brain to eat, or is the other way around? Not too sure, but they have to work together and have to recreate the balance they once had. Sometimes I think back to when I ate normal meals and I try to remember how much I would eat, how the portions would be, and how often I would eat in between meals. And I just don't seem to know anymore. I can't really remember. I probably don't want to remember. But the point I'm making is that, not until my set-weight has been reached, am I going to be able control these urges.
My body is still in the process of learning to eat again, how often to feel hungry and how much food I need. Once this process gets back to normal, I won't be in danger of relapse. At the moment if I skip a meal, I'm buggered (as I proved to myself yesterday). But it won't always be like that, Diann reassured me. I wanted to know would it always be "dangerous" for me to have a day when I don't eat my vegetables, for example.. "A compensation day". Doesn't everybody have at least one of those days a week? A day when they forget to have lunch for instance but don't need a day in bed to get over it..? Again, this all will return to normal once I've reached my set-weight (I'm really starting to hate that word already..never mind the meaning of it..). I will then have a healthy body and I won't be feeling dizzy, weak and faint whenever I don't have a day of proper eating and I won't feel like binging either. I won't feel like I do now. It's really all so straight-forward. But I can't see that right now. I look at other people, and I analyze the meals they eat, how regularly they eat and the meals they skip. I seem to be eating more than most.. a prime example: my sister Eileen. Whenever she's at home she hardly ever eats.. I'm just amazed..and I do be thinking..o no, she's starting to develop an eating disorder as well..But that's just ludicrous. Because she obviously does eat..just never at home.. The point I'm trying to make is that, with a normal weight, normal metabolism and normal eating habits, forgetting to have lunch, isn't always going to result in binging and relapsing.. But for now, it could have that result, so I need to ignore the urges, switch them off, take one meal at a time and keep the strength going..
Months ago I had the strength to switch this off and ignore it and go through life without giving in to hunger feelings and the cravings for certain food. But now, because I'm allowed all this food, well I actually need it and am supposed to have as much as possible, I'm wanting more all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm full or not. I'm want so much food. It makes me so scared of binging.. Everybody knows what that's like.. For example, you haven't had chocolate for weeks and you put it off for as long as possible, but then when you do start eating it, when you give in to your craving, you can't stop and you overeat. I'm terrified that it's going to start happening to me.. Diann reckons it will die down. I have to eat small amounts regularly. I expected these urges of stuffing my face to be gone by now because I've been eating so well for weeks and weeks.. But Diann said that it's my body knowing that I'm still underweight. Not until I'm at my "set-weight" will this slow down. What's my set-weight? 50 kilo's I reckon. But I don't want to go back to weighing that much.. I can't deal with that.. I know it's I'm thinking too far ahead now, but it still scares me. Sorry..slightly side-tracked..
Basically what this comes down to, is that my brain will constantly tell me to keep on eating, until I'm back up to my normal weight. Now that I'm hungry on a regular basis, it's even more tempting to stuff my face all day long.. That's the signals my brain is getting.. food, food and more food.. I'm coming out of "starvation-mode", my brain and stomach need to learn to work together again, to be "in sync", like it used to be.. Like anybodys' body, the stomach needs food so tells your brain to eat, or is the other way around? Not too sure, but they have to work together and have to recreate the balance they once had. Sometimes I think back to when I ate normal meals and I try to remember how much I would eat, how the portions would be, and how often I would eat in between meals. And I just don't seem to know anymore. I can't really remember. I probably don't want to remember. But the point I'm making is that, not until my set-weight has been reached, am I going to be able control these urges.
My body is still in the process of learning to eat again, how often to feel hungry and how much food I need. Once this process gets back to normal, I won't be in danger of relapse. At the moment if I skip a meal, I'm buggered (as I proved to myself yesterday). But it won't always be like that, Diann reassured me. I wanted to know would it always be "dangerous" for me to have a day when I don't eat my vegetables, for example.. "A compensation day". Doesn't everybody have at least one of those days a week? A day when they forget to have lunch for instance but don't need a day in bed to get over it..? Again, this all will return to normal once I've reached my set-weight (I'm really starting to hate that word already..never mind the meaning of it..). I will then have a healthy body and I won't be feeling dizzy, weak and faint whenever I don't have a day of proper eating and I won't feel like binging either. I won't feel like I do now. It's really all so straight-forward. But I can't see that right now. I look at other people, and I analyze the meals they eat, how regularly they eat and the meals they skip. I seem to be eating more than most.. a prime example: my sister Eileen. Whenever she's at home she hardly ever eats.. I'm just amazed..and I do be thinking..o no, she's starting to develop an eating disorder as well..But that's just ludicrous. Because she obviously does eat..just never at home.. The point I'm trying to make is that, with a normal weight, normal metabolism and normal eating habits, forgetting to have lunch, isn't always going to result in binging and relapsing.. But for now, it could have that result, so I need to ignore the urges, switch them off, take one meal at a time and keep the strength going..
The Roadtrip.. Pit-stop number 11..
Monday afternoon. Just back from Diann.. a morning session.. Number 11.. It just keeps on going.. week after week.. Like a road trip.. Making some pit-stops along the way.. but still cruising along, making the journey to reach the destination. But as with any road-trip, the journey is far more important than the destination.
Well, this "pit-stop" was just as good as all the other ones, different again.. Each and every session is so different.
I was gearing myself up for this session, last night, and I couldn't sleep a wink. I felt like I was going to burst. I went to bed at around 12 and I don't know what time it was when I finally fell asleep..but it was late. I woke up this morning, thinking that the whole past weeks was just a nightmare that I had woken up from. But I soon realized that this wasn't the case..unfortunately..
I had so much to say, so much I needed to get off my chest.When we were there, I couldn't speak..I sat there in tears.. not knowing where to start. I didn't know what I felt was more important to deal with. I didn't know what was causing the most discomfort..Because, we only have an hour.. and it's impossible for everything to be dealt with.
My main issue this week, or the past days was all the food. Of course, I hear you think. But that isn't always the issue. The last 4 or 5 weeks or whatever, I've been eating and switching off. I've been able to handle it. I could cope. I just dealt with it and it wasn't freaking me out as much.
This week it was different. The food has been freaking me out and scaring me more so than any other week so far. I've been feeling as though I've been drowning and I've been feeling swamped by the amount of food I have to eat. I think there was only 1 day this week, that I was able to eat everything. Every other day I missed at least one thing that I had to eat.. Mostly because I was feeling fat and full..
Yesterday was the worst day, when it came to eating. All I had was my breakfast, a toasted sandwich for dinner and my supplements. I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for hours without food. I wanted to still have that strength and I wanted to give myself a break and feel in control again. I couldn't let go of the feeling that it's just so wrong to constantly stuff my face. Anna was so strong and I didn't fight her. I let her win yesterday. By last night, I felt awful. My mood wasn't too bad, but my body was in a state. My back ached, my head was sore, I was dizzy, I was weak and I just ill.. I knew that I needed food.
What did this whole "experiment" yesterday prove to me? How can I benefit and learn from it? It tells me that my digestive system is starting to work again. It tells me that I do need food. This might sound good, and it should be a learning curve. It proves that I'm making progress.. But to me, it feels awful. It tells me that I'm turning out to be just like everybody else. It's proof that I'm loosing Anna. I'm breaking away from her, and letting go. It's scary and it's so hard. The more I eat and the more I feel hungry, that scarier this is getting. I'm losing control. I'm losing the one thing that made me feel special, because not being able to eat and live a "full and happy" life without needing food, was my specialty.. and now I'm losing that.. It's going. Diann said that it's normal. It's like grieving.. You're losing something that had become apart of your life. That's why I feel a panic arise whenever I wake up in the morning feeling hungry or when, like last night, I realize that I do need to eat regularly..
The weight issue makes it all the more real. It shows that I'm distancing myself more and more from Anna. I'm losing the control over it. It's been years since I put on weight. But it's started. My backside is starting to grow, my cheeks are getting fat, my belly is getting bigger. I haven't been weighed in weeks.. maybe 5 weeks I think. I don't want to weigh myself, I just can't deal with it. But I can feel that I'm putting it on..It's so unnatural and makes me so unhappy.
Everyday last week, dinnertimes were awful. The only way I was able to finish my plate at dinnertime, and not drive myself crazy with guilt..was to force myself to switch off the thoughts of what all the food going into my system is doing to me and after dinner, leave the kitchen, get away from people, away from food, away from the voices in my head telling how stupid and awful I am for eating..and just go to bed and watch a dvd for a couple of hours, until it was time to eat again.. That's the only way I was able to manage it. The 1 day that I didn't need to do this and I didn't feel guilty, was Wednesday when I had salmon fillet with rice and broccoli.. I finished the plate, but didn't feel bad. I actually enjoyed the meal. Why? Because, before I sat down to eat, I had to convince myself by writing a post on my blog, that I had to eat this dinner, that I need food and I'm allowed to eat and enjoy it and that I have to get better..even though I was full when I sat down and still ate it all..
The way I dealt with that Wednesday just proves how strong I can feel one day, but how weak I can feel the next. At the moment, I really need to keep the strength up, to keep on eating. Diann said that the longer I switch off the feelings and voices of Anna, whenever she does come back into "force" it will be twice as strong.. That was the case yesterday.. Throughout the weeks I've found different things that help me deal with these hard, confusing and frustrating situations.. I just need to keep it going.
I watched a program last week called "Celebrity Extreme Skinny Mums". Well, the name indicates exactly what it was about.. The presenter was saying that all these skinny mums, who get back to being size zero within 6 weeks of having a baby, seem to want the world to think they really don't care about their pregnancy weight and that it just came naturally to them and they lost the weight without any effort whatsoever, while they are secretly working-out in their homes. Doesn't that indicate that these mums all think that other people are allowed to be overweight or full-figured, but for themselves it's something that's just NOT an option. These mums think that they are too good to be chubby or curvy in any way, shape or form.. Doesn't that make them shallow? Doesn't that make me shallow as well? I know I'm not a celebrity skinny mum..haha.. but after this program, I had convinced myself that I'm a shallow person. I can't be though, because I don't care what people look like or what clothes-size they wear. That just isn't an issue. It's the person itself that counts. Diann asked jokingly, if I don't think I'm making myself feel bad enough already without adding another issue to this situation..by telling myself that I'm shallow (just punishing myself a little bit more by making myself feel worse).. what a head wrecker I am... Being shallow doesn't come into it. Anorexia might seem to be revolve around appearance, but it so much more than that. It's about punishment, restrictions, pressure, no self-worth and much much more. Everyone around me deserves the happiness, the food, the love and the life they want.
But not me. I'm not, or wasn't allowed, to have this. It's totally different, I'm not shallow, I just simply don't think, or didn't think, that I deserve anything. That's that cleared up then..a slight weight lifted of my shoulders..
The whole "everyone thinking I'm better" issue. It cropped a few days ago. It made me feel like nobody understands what I'm going through which then made me feel all alone in the world. It set a lot of things rolling again. I thought that I had made peace with it. Why should I care what other people think? If they do or don't think I'm better..who cares? As long as I know what the deal is and what I need to be doing to get better, isn't that more important. Yes, of course. I know this all, full well. But it still gets to me. Diann even said that, she knows I'm not a person that would hang on other peoples opinions and that I don't care about other peoples' views of me. So why does it still get to me so much? She had very wise words.. It's got to do with the "reflection". I see others as a reflection of how I see myself. Other people are the mirror of Anna (on bad days) or Fay (on good days). You could compare it to looking in a real mirror. Whenever I do, I see a fat monster. That's when Anna has her way. Whenever I talk to people or read their emails I read or hear what Anna wants me to hear or read. I take the information on board and process it to how Anna would. Whatever it may really mean, doesn't come into it. If anything can make me feel worthless and sh***y , then that's how I'll process the information.. So whenever someone says something like: "I don't know how you can stay in the house all day long without going crazy", this person is actually talking about how it would be for THEM. It's not criticism towards me.. But Anna interprets it that way, so I feel that I'm worthless, boring and lazy which I try to get away from by pushing myself again to be active which sets me up for a minor breakdown.. Another example, yesterday I was in the shopping center and I seen my aunt Ann. All I could do, was feel shame. I felt so awful. I don't really know why, she didn't say anything to upset me.. But I know I've put on weight, and when people now see me, that's the first thing they will see and think, which I should see as positive, because I'm getting better. But on bad days, it's awful, because it's what Anna doesn't want.. So I then feel so worthless and weak.. I'm not able to do what I thought I could which was to eat and stay underweight.. the feeling of shame cut so deep and I feel so bad saying this..
I can't imagine what it's like for my family and friends and I really don't want people to feel bad, really I don't.. My dear friend Natasja said in an email this week was that understanding the illness is so hard, but she does her best to try and that she loves me on the good days and loves me on the bad days.. That really touched me so much and I sat there today and I cried as I was telling this to Diann.. I know it's the same for my family and close friends and that they are all thinking of me along this journey. I appreciate it all and words will never be able to express how much it means to me.. I know I'm not alone..
Physically I'm can't deal with a lot yet. I'm still so slow. I'm still not able to handle stress. Learning to listen to my body and what it's telling me is paying off. Because I now can feel the pressure and stress, whenever I plan the things I want to do during the day. I literally feel it on my chest..the pressure just drives and pushes me which then sets me up for a minor breakdown. So, I'm still going to be slow, I'm still needing to just "be", still needing my bed (I spent most of last week in bed by the way..). The pains in my legs and my back come and go. But that's okay.. It's all a part of it..
Diann didn't want to add anything extra to my food-plan. I need to just let the "menu" settle for the next week. That suits me fine.
All in all it was a good session, a lot of tears, but they needed to be shed. At the end of it all, Diann said that she's so impressed by the amount of work that I'm putting in. She's impressed at how far I've come and how much I've learned and realized over the past weeks. She's amazed at how I'm knowing how to deal with the situations as they come up by letting myself feel the pain, both physical and mental, that I've been pushing away for years and that I know how to keep on fighting. She said that I'm a wonderful person and an inspiration, and that I'm slowly going to realize it.. This came from the heart and it didn't make me feel bad. It made me feel good. It made me feel strong, the strength that I need and not the strength that I'm trying to fight. Fay was on my side.. I'm doing this right and I'll keep on going..
Well, this "pit-stop" was just as good as all the other ones, different again.. Each and every session is so different.
I was gearing myself up for this session, last night, and I couldn't sleep a wink. I felt like I was going to burst. I went to bed at around 12 and I don't know what time it was when I finally fell asleep..but it was late. I woke up this morning, thinking that the whole past weeks was just a nightmare that I had woken up from. But I soon realized that this wasn't the case..unfortunately..
I had so much to say, so much I needed to get off my chest.When we were there, I couldn't speak..I sat there in tears.. not knowing where to start. I didn't know what I felt was more important to deal with. I didn't know what was causing the most discomfort..Because, we only have an hour.. and it's impossible for everything to be dealt with.
My main issue this week, or the past days was all the food. Of course, I hear you think. But that isn't always the issue. The last 4 or 5 weeks or whatever, I've been eating and switching off. I've been able to handle it. I could cope. I just dealt with it and it wasn't freaking me out as much.
This week it was different. The food has been freaking me out and scaring me more so than any other week so far. I've been feeling as though I've been drowning and I've been feeling swamped by the amount of food I have to eat. I think there was only 1 day this week, that I was able to eat everything. Every other day I missed at least one thing that I had to eat.. Mostly because I was feeling fat and full..
Yesterday was the worst day, when it came to eating. All I had was my breakfast, a toasted sandwich for dinner and my supplements. I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for hours without food. I wanted to still have that strength and I wanted to give myself a break and feel in control again. I couldn't let go of the feeling that it's just so wrong to constantly stuff my face. Anna was so strong and I didn't fight her. I let her win yesterday. By last night, I felt awful. My mood wasn't too bad, but my body was in a state. My back ached, my head was sore, I was dizzy, I was weak and I just ill.. I knew that I needed food.
What did this whole "experiment" yesterday prove to me? How can I benefit and learn from it? It tells me that my digestive system is starting to work again. It tells me that I do need food. This might sound good, and it should be a learning curve. It proves that I'm making progress.. But to me, it feels awful. It tells me that I'm turning out to be just like everybody else. It's proof that I'm loosing Anna. I'm breaking away from her, and letting go. It's scary and it's so hard. The more I eat and the more I feel hungry, that scarier this is getting. I'm losing control. I'm losing the one thing that made me feel special, because not being able to eat and live a "full and happy" life without needing food, was my specialty.. and now I'm losing that.. It's going. Diann said that it's normal. It's like grieving.. You're losing something that had become apart of your life. That's why I feel a panic arise whenever I wake up in the morning feeling hungry or when, like last night, I realize that I do need to eat regularly..
The weight issue makes it all the more real. It shows that I'm distancing myself more and more from Anna. I'm losing the control over it. It's been years since I put on weight. But it's started. My backside is starting to grow, my cheeks are getting fat, my belly is getting bigger. I haven't been weighed in weeks.. maybe 5 weeks I think. I don't want to weigh myself, I just can't deal with it. But I can feel that I'm putting it on..It's so unnatural and makes me so unhappy.
Everyday last week, dinnertimes were awful. The only way I was able to finish my plate at dinnertime, and not drive myself crazy with guilt..was to force myself to switch off the thoughts of what all the food going into my system is doing to me and after dinner, leave the kitchen, get away from people, away from food, away from the voices in my head telling how stupid and awful I am for eating..and just go to bed and watch a dvd for a couple of hours, until it was time to eat again.. That's the only way I was able to manage it. The 1 day that I didn't need to do this and I didn't feel guilty, was Wednesday when I had salmon fillet with rice and broccoli.. I finished the plate, but didn't feel bad. I actually enjoyed the meal. Why? Because, before I sat down to eat, I had to convince myself by writing a post on my blog, that I had to eat this dinner, that I need food and I'm allowed to eat and enjoy it and that I have to get better..even though I was full when I sat down and still ate it all..
The way I dealt with that Wednesday just proves how strong I can feel one day, but how weak I can feel the next. At the moment, I really need to keep the strength up, to keep on eating. Diann said that the longer I switch off the feelings and voices of Anna, whenever she does come back into "force" it will be twice as strong.. That was the case yesterday.. Throughout the weeks I've found different things that help me deal with these hard, confusing and frustrating situations.. I just need to keep it going.
I watched a program last week called "Celebrity Extreme Skinny Mums". Well, the name indicates exactly what it was about.. The presenter was saying that all these skinny mums, who get back to being size zero within 6 weeks of having a baby, seem to want the world to think they really don't care about their pregnancy weight and that it just came naturally to them and they lost the weight without any effort whatsoever, while they are secretly working-out in their homes. Doesn't that indicate that these mums all think that other people are allowed to be overweight or full-figured, but for themselves it's something that's just NOT an option. These mums think that they are too good to be chubby or curvy in any way, shape or form.. Doesn't that make them shallow? Doesn't that make me shallow as well? I know I'm not a celebrity skinny mum..haha.. but after this program, I had convinced myself that I'm a shallow person. I can't be though, because I don't care what people look like or what clothes-size they wear. That just isn't an issue. It's the person itself that counts. Diann asked jokingly, if I don't think I'm making myself feel bad enough already without adding another issue to this situation..by telling myself that I'm shallow (just punishing myself a little bit more by making myself feel worse).. what a head wrecker I am... Being shallow doesn't come into it. Anorexia might seem to be revolve around appearance, but it so much more than that. It's about punishment, restrictions, pressure, no self-worth and much much more. Everyone around me deserves the happiness, the food, the love and the life they want.
But not me. I'm not, or wasn't allowed, to have this. It's totally different, I'm not shallow, I just simply don't think, or didn't think, that I deserve anything. That's that cleared up then..a slight weight lifted of my shoulders..
The whole "everyone thinking I'm better" issue. It cropped a few days ago. It made me feel like nobody understands what I'm going through which then made me feel all alone in the world. It set a lot of things rolling again. I thought that I had made peace with it. Why should I care what other people think? If they do or don't think I'm better..who cares? As long as I know what the deal is and what I need to be doing to get better, isn't that more important. Yes, of course. I know this all, full well. But it still gets to me. Diann even said that, she knows I'm not a person that would hang on other peoples opinions and that I don't care about other peoples' views of me. So why does it still get to me so much? She had very wise words.. It's got to do with the "reflection". I see others as a reflection of how I see myself. Other people are the mirror of Anna (on bad days) or Fay (on good days). You could compare it to looking in a real mirror. Whenever I do, I see a fat monster. That's when Anna has her way. Whenever I talk to people or read their emails I read or hear what Anna wants me to hear or read. I take the information on board and process it to how Anna would. Whatever it may really mean, doesn't come into it. If anything can make me feel worthless and sh***y , then that's how I'll process the information.. So whenever someone says something like: "I don't know how you can stay in the house all day long without going crazy", this person is actually talking about how it would be for THEM. It's not criticism towards me.. But Anna interprets it that way, so I feel that I'm worthless, boring and lazy which I try to get away from by pushing myself again to be active which sets me up for a minor breakdown.. Another example, yesterday I was in the shopping center and I seen my aunt Ann. All I could do, was feel shame. I felt so awful. I don't really know why, she didn't say anything to upset me.. But I know I've put on weight, and when people now see me, that's the first thing they will see and think, which I should see as positive, because I'm getting better. But on bad days, it's awful, because it's what Anna doesn't want.. So I then feel so worthless and weak.. I'm not able to do what I thought I could which was to eat and stay underweight.. the feeling of shame cut so deep and I feel so bad saying this..
I can't imagine what it's like for my family and friends and I really don't want people to feel bad, really I don't.. My dear friend Natasja said in an email this week was that understanding the illness is so hard, but she does her best to try and that she loves me on the good days and loves me on the bad days.. That really touched me so much and I sat there today and I cried as I was telling this to Diann.. I know it's the same for my family and close friends and that they are all thinking of me along this journey. I appreciate it all and words will never be able to express how much it means to me.. I know I'm not alone..
Physically I'm can't deal with a lot yet. I'm still so slow. I'm still not able to handle stress. Learning to listen to my body and what it's telling me is paying off. Because I now can feel the pressure and stress, whenever I plan the things I want to do during the day. I literally feel it on my chest..the pressure just drives and pushes me which then sets me up for a minor breakdown. So, I'm still going to be slow, I'm still needing to just "be", still needing my bed (I spent most of last week in bed by the way..). The pains in my legs and my back come and go. But that's okay.. It's all a part of it..
Diann didn't want to add anything extra to my food-plan. I need to just let the "menu" settle for the next week. That suits me fine.
All in all it was a good session, a lot of tears, but they needed to be shed. At the end of it all, Diann said that she's so impressed by the amount of work that I'm putting in. She's impressed at how far I've come and how much I've learned and realized over the past weeks. She's amazed at how I'm knowing how to deal with the situations as they come up by letting myself feel the pain, both physical and mental, that I've been pushing away for years and that I know how to keep on fighting. She said that I'm a wonderful person and an inspiration, and that I'm slowly going to realize it.. This came from the heart and it didn't make me feel bad. It made me feel good. It made me feel strong, the strength that I need and not the strength that I'm trying to fight. Fay was on my side.. I'm doing this right and I'll keep on going..
Sunday, September 21, 2008
My Guide, My Strength, My Self..
Every week, I live to the day when it's time to visit Diann again, which is every Monday.. the Monday ritual.. I focus on it, most days of the week. I think about it, I sometimes worry about it. Every thought I have, be it bad or good, I always feel that I need to share it with her. Sometimes I worry, when I've been having really good days, that I won't have anymore issues to deal with or anything do discuss and she'll think I'm better and send me away.. that's ludicrous I know..
At the same time, I would often dread the thought of my sessions as well. Because it takes up so much energy, concentration. It's stressful.. Or I just put so much pressure on myself, and make the build-up such an issue, that it becomes much more than it really is.
During the week, I write down little things that I need answers to. Sometimes I eventually figure out the answers myself. But I often need confirmation, or just someone to tell me that I did find the right answer and that I am on the right track. I often wish that I had more than 1 hour with her a week. It always seems too short. I always leave there, with still lots on my mind, that I needed to share.
I just wonder why I focus on it so much? Weeks ago, my doctor asked me if I have faith in Diann and if she is someone that I can depend on and trust while I'm getting better.. I said yes, I definitely have faith in her. She was the person who was going to make me better.. That's how important she is. So, isn't it normal that I live from 1 session to another. It's probably only when I start to focus on it less.. that I'll know I'm really making progress.. Because that means I can think clearer, and can find even more answers to my questions myself, without anybody needing to advise or steer me in the right direction. And isn't it good that I can figure out things by myself as well..Writing on my blog and thinking things through is how I can get clarification. If I were to need her to answer every little thing that I'm faced with..all my thoughts, fears, worries and troubles, then the process of getting better would take so much longer wouldn't it..?
The point I'm probably trying to make, is that I probably shouldn't worry about my sessions with Diann, and just deal with things as they come to me, and if I can figure them out for myself, then that's a positive thing. She is my guide and I have faith in her. But it's far more important for me to use myself as my guide as well and to have faith in myself. Because, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who is going to make myself better. An example.. I could tell her every week that I've been eating everything even if I haven't. Sure that's "no skin off her nose".. that's something that she has to trust me on, I can't prove it to her, she has to take my word for it. I could lie. But what's the use? It's for me I'm doing this.
I can deal with things and discuss with Diann how I got through them. We can talk about what worked and what didn't. She then advises me and gives me "kicks up the backside" to keep me on track so I don't fall behind during the week. Diann and my family and friends will steer me, whenever I need it, and also will support me. But it's ME that this is happening to, and it's ME that is going to make myself better. I'm the only one who can cure myself. As my guide, Diann, once told me.. "the main cure to anorexia is having the strength keep on eating". And where does that strength to keep on eating come from.. FROM ME.. AND NOBODY ELSE...
At the same time, I would often dread the thought of my sessions as well. Because it takes up so much energy, concentration. It's stressful.. Or I just put so much pressure on myself, and make the build-up such an issue, that it becomes much more than it really is.
During the week, I write down little things that I need answers to. Sometimes I eventually figure out the answers myself. But I often need confirmation, or just someone to tell me that I did find the right answer and that I am on the right track. I often wish that I had more than 1 hour with her a week. It always seems too short. I always leave there, with still lots on my mind, that I needed to share.
I just wonder why I focus on it so much? Weeks ago, my doctor asked me if I have faith in Diann and if she is someone that I can depend on and trust while I'm getting better.. I said yes, I definitely have faith in her. She was the person who was going to make me better.. That's how important she is. So, isn't it normal that I live from 1 session to another. It's probably only when I start to focus on it less.. that I'll know I'm really making progress.. Because that means I can think clearer, and can find even more answers to my questions myself, without anybody needing to advise or steer me in the right direction. And isn't it good that I can figure out things by myself as well..Writing on my blog and thinking things through is how I can get clarification. If I were to need her to answer every little thing that I'm faced with..all my thoughts, fears, worries and troubles, then the process of getting better would take so much longer wouldn't it..?
The point I'm probably trying to make, is that I probably shouldn't worry about my sessions with Diann, and just deal with things as they come to me, and if I can figure them out for myself, then that's a positive thing. She is my guide and I have faith in her. But it's far more important for me to use myself as my guide as well and to have faith in myself. Because, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who is going to make myself better. An example.. I could tell her every week that I've been eating everything even if I haven't. Sure that's "no skin off her nose".. that's something that she has to trust me on, I can't prove it to her, she has to take my word for it. I could lie. But what's the use? It's for me I'm doing this.
I can deal with things and discuss with Diann how I got through them. We can talk about what worked and what didn't. She then advises me and gives me "kicks up the backside" to keep me on track so I don't fall behind during the week. Diann and my family and friends will steer me, whenever I need it, and also will support me. But it's ME that this is happening to, and it's ME that is going to make myself better. I'm the only one who can cure myself. As my guide, Diann, once told me.. "the main cure to anorexia is having the strength keep on eating". And where does that strength to keep on eating come from.. FROM ME.. AND NOBODY ELSE...
A feeling of...
A feeling of hunger, Third day in a row
A feeling of guilt, It's rising isn't slow
A feeling of control, It's starting to fade
A feeling of fear, For me it's made
A feeling of loss, The voice will soften
A feeling of stress, so much and so often
A feeling of weakness, With each and every bite
A feeling of disgust, But still winning this fight
A feeling of victory, Doesn't feel as it should
A feeling of hate, And still tall is how I stood
A feeling of disbelief, That it's a battle I'll win
A feeling of sadness, Because I'll never be thin
A feeling of rage, That this will never end
A feeling of strength, As I remind myself that my life isn't pretend...
A feeling of guilt, It's rising isn't slow
A feeling of control, It's starting to fade
A feeling of fear, For me it's made
A feeling of loss, The voice will soften
A feeling of stress, so much and so often
A feeling of weakness, With each and every bite
A feeling of disgust, But still winning this fight
A feeling of victory, Doesn't feel as it should
A feeling of hate, And still tall is how I stood
A feeling of disbelief, That it's a battle I'll win
A feeling of sadness, Because I'll never be thin
A feeling of rage, That this will never end
A feeling of strength, As I remind myself that my life isn't pretend...
Sunday morning
I woke up this morning, after dreaming about food all night long, and straight away, I told myself.. I'm not eating today. I don't want to eat.
I wanted to just prove to myself that I'm still able to go for hours and hours without eating. I still want to be strong. I don't want to feel weak anymore. Because that's how I feel whenever I'm feel hungry..weakness.. I shouldn't be feeling this. It's feels so wrong. And it feels so wrong to be eating, all the time.. It's like I'm slowly becoming like everybody else. Everybody needs food..and as my appetite grows, I'm needing food as well, but I don't want to normal like everyone. I want to be able to live on nothing. To be active and happy and do all things I want, and live on air.. and water maybe. Why can't I do this. Why is it that I'm not allowed to do this?
It doesn't seem fair for me to need food. I don't want to have to eat. It's disgusting. My gut constantly is a big block.. and it's wrong. I want to feel empty. I want control. But feeling hunger, is a sign that I'm losing control. Three mornings in a row, I've been hungry.. All I'm doing is eating.. Feeling hungry, and then after 2 bites, feeling like a full fat pig again, but still eating. I'm sick of it. I know I'm getting fatter.. My BMI (Body Mass Index) must be well over 30 by now.. Soon enough I won't be able to fit through the front door and I'll need to be put on diet, to loose all these kilo's I'm putting on..
I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror.. It's disgusting. I don't want to wear normal clothes, because I know everyone is trying to see how fat and big my stomach is getting. So I want to disguise it, I want to hide away the fat. I want to switch off everything. Switch myself off, if that were possible, or even crawl out of my own skin for a while. Ignore all the fat I'm piling on. Every bite I put in my mouth, I can feel it being plastered on my hips, and belly and legs.. I should have known that I was going to put on weight.. I knew it would happen, but it wrecks my head, and I can't deal with it. It goes against everything. It goes against the person I thought I had become and was going to stay for the rest of life. This is so hard, and I can't be bothered anymore. These kilos I put on, I could put to good use and start doing lots of things..it would give a few more weeks to get back down the weight again.. I would love for nothing more...
I can't stop eating though.. mentally I'm able, but psychically it will only do more damage than I've already done. I know I'm not allowed, and it makes me so sad. It's like when you want something, and you know you can have..it's right there, you can grab it and make it your own again..it's all you ever wanted and it's within your reach. But life is not allowing you to just grab it and make it your own again.. And the longer you leave it to linger, right before your own eyes, the harder it becomes to grab it because you're learning to resist and to just leave it linger, against your better judgment.
You could probably compare it to breaking up a relationship you had with someone you love, but who isn't good for you. You can have this person, this person is right there, but your family and friends are warning you and telling you this person is not right for you..they want what's best for you. So you try to forget about this person and about the good times you once had and try to focus on the things that weren't good in the relationship and how bad it made you feel in the long run. You have to do this, in order to resist, because thinking of the good times, will only tempt you to start the relationship again..just to give it another go, see how it turns out, maybe this it will be better..
As with getting over any kind of relationship..time heals all wounds..or so they say.. It's been nearly 3 months now...the temptation is still there.. It's still so daunting and still so fresh sometimes. I know my relationship with Anna never really made me happy, she was possessive, and closed me off from the real world. So I have to keep on resisting and I have to keep on fighting. It's so hard. I don't know what life will be like when she finally leaves me alone. What will I look like? Will I really be better off without her? I know the answer to that..of course I do. But it doesn't make it any easier. It's just all so much.. I have to push myself each and everyday, and be strong. But it makes so tired, and then being tired makes me sad and emotional, because I'm not able to deal with it the way I feel is best..
Just the thought of food right now, makes me want vomit. I want so badly to give myself a break.. Treat myself to a day of not stuffing my face. I can't though. It's constant.. going going going..all the time.I can't be human, or normal, doing all this eating. There has to something wrong..I just don't know what..
I wanted to just prove to myself that I'm still able to go for hours and hours without eating. I still want to be strong. I don't want to feel weak anymore. Because that's how I feel whenever I'm feel hungry..weakness.. I shouldn't be feeling this. It's feels so wrong. And it feels so wrong to be eating, all the time.. It's like I'm slowly becoming like everybody else. Everybody needs food..and as my appetite grows, I'm needing food as well, but I don't want to normal like everyone. I want to be able to live on nothing. To be active and happy and do all things I want, and live on air.. and water maybe. Why can't I do this. Why is it that I'm not allowed to do this?
It doesn't seem fair for me to need food. I don't want to have to eat. It's disgusting. My gut constantly is a big block.. and it's wrong. I want to feel empty. I want control. But feeling hunger, is a sign that I'm losing control. Three mornings in a row, I've been hungry.. All I'm doing is eating.. Feeling hungry, and then after 2 bites, feeling like a full fat pig again, but still eating. I'm sick of it. I know I'm getting fatter.. My BMI (Body Mass Index) must be well over 30 by now.. Soon enough I won't be able to fit through the front door and I'll need to be put on diet, to loose all these kilo's I'm putting on..
I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror.. It's disgusting. I don't want to wear normal clothes, because I know everyone is trying to see how fat and big my stomach is getting. So I want to disguise it, I want to hide away the fat. I want to switch off everything. Switch myself off, if that were possible, or even crawl out of my own skin for a while. Ignore all the fat I'm piling on. Every bite I put in my mouth, I can feel it being plastered on my hips, and belly and legs.. I should have known that I was going to put on weight.. I knew it would happen, but it wrecks my head, and I can't deal with it. It goes against everything. It goes against the person I thought I had become and was going to stay for the rest of life. This is so hard, and I can't be bothered anymore. These kilos I put on, I could put to good use and start doing lots of things..it would give a few more weeks to get back down the weight again.. I would love for nothing more...
I can't stop eating though.. mentally I'm able, but psychically it will only do more damage than I've already done. I know I'm not allowed, and it makes me so sad. It's like when you want something, and you know you can have..it's right there, you can grab it and make it your own again..it's all you ever wanted and it's within your reach. But life is not allowing you to just grab it and make it your own again.. And the longer you leave it to linger, right before your own eyes, the harder it becomes to grab it because you're learning to resist and to just leave it linger, against your better judgment.
You could probably compare it to breaking up a relationship you had with someone you love, but who isn't good for you. You can have this person, this person is right there, but your family and friends are warning you and telling you this person is not right for you..they want what's best for you. So you try to forget about this person and about the good times you once had and try to focus on the things that weren't good in the relationship and how bad it made you feel in the long run. You have to do this, in order to resist, because thinking of the good times, will only tempt you to start the relationship again..just to give it another go, see how it turns out, maybe this it will be better..
As with getting over any kind of relationship..time heals all wounds..or so they say.. It's been nearly 3 months now...the temptation is still there.. It's still so daunting and still so fresh sometimes. I know my relationship with Anna never really made me happy, she was possessive, and closed me off from the real world. So I have to keep on resisting and I have to keep on fighting. It's so hard. I don't know what life will be like when she finally leaves me alone. What will I look like? Will I really be better off without her? I know the answer to that..of course I do. But it doesn't make it any easier. It's just all so much.. I have to push myself each and everyday, and be strong. But it makes so tired, and then being tired makes me sad and emotional, because I'm not able to deal with it the way I feel is best..
Just the thought of food right now, makes me want vomit. I want so badly to give myself a break.. Treat myself to a day of not stuffing my face. I can't though. It's constant.. going going going..all the time.I can't be human, or normal, doing all this eating. There has to something wrong..I just don't know what..
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