It's Saturday afternoon. This morning I woke up, after having 2 glasses of wine last night, for the first time in ages.
I was expecting to feel awful, but I wasn't. I wasn't feeling guilty, I didn't stop eating, I didn't have a headache. I wasn't worrying about the empty calories. I just needed to start my breakfast and keep eating what I had to, the whole day through.
Tonight is Eileen's 21st birthday party. She's been planning this night, for months and months. Emma and Orla have come over especially for it. I've been pacing myself all day and nearly been afraid to over-exert myself in any way, shape or form. I've been telling myself, to be "present" about everything that's going on.. Just the way Diann told me I had to deal with the lasagna...Don't over-analyze it, just let it happen and try not to predict the future by worrying. Which is exactly what "worrying" is doing.
I've been feeling lightheaded and dizzy at times and have had a constant pressure in my forehead. It might be stress, but I've haven't been doing anything to cause stress. Maybe it's just having the excitement around me and having things happening that's causing pressure. I've been afraid of triggering Anna or upsetting myself or overwhelming myself, by doing things.
Everyone has been running around all afternoon organizing the last little things, the food, the decorations, the outfits, and I have literally just sat back and let it all happen around me. I haven't even tried to help out. I would have loved to, but I couldn't. The pressure in my forehead would just make me feel physically ill if I would have done. I had moments of sadness, because I wasn't able to do my bit, not that I felt guilty, but because I wanted to, but I couldn't. If I were to go over all that sadness in my head, I would only have brought my mood down, and that I have to avoid. Everyone around understands why I am the way I am, this weekend. I know they don't mind. But it can feel awful that I'm not able.
The thoughts of the party are making me anxious.. there I go, worrying again..but I can't help it. I want to be able to dance, but I know I won't be able to cope with it. Tonight will be the first time since May that I'll have properly gone on a night out. What if I overdo it? What if I eat too much of the food? What if I drink too much and set myself up for a restricted day tomorrow and ruin the whole weekend by being in an awful doom and gloom depressed state of mind? I don't want to, because I love having Emma and Orla here.
What if.. what if.. what if.. There's really no point in talking all these things into my head, because I'm making a big deal for no apparent reason at all. I suppose I should be just happy to be here for the party..even though I would have loved so much for me to be cured and full of energy and really looking forward to it all.. Because I'm not looking forward to it.. just thinking of it, is giving me headache.. It could have all been so different.. It would probably all have been so much worse. So I'm not going to go there, I'm not going to think about it. I might have to lie down, just for an hour or so, before getting ready and eating..
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Lasagna & Rose Wine
Yesterday evening, Friday.. very very big indeed.. Lasagna and rose wine.. 2 big big pleasures.. AND Emma and Orla arrived from Holland as well, for Eileen's 21st birthday party, which is tonight. So, all in all, a big day.
I had the lasagna for dinner, for the first time, since June. I will never forget that night I had it last. I was here on holidays, just before everything came to the surface about me and Anna, and I was trying to hide it so I was eating everything that was put in front of me. Ma made lasagna, or more to the point, she bought a frozen one and stuck it in the oven. It was so delicious that I had a second plate.. Nobody seen that I had taken some more so when Ma went over to the cooker, she was astonished that all the lasagna had gone.. And then I had to "own up" to eating it. I'll never forget how awful I felt, for having eaten more than Anna would allow me to. I felt like a failure towards Ma and Anna. I remember worrying that Ma would probably think of me as a disgusting fat pig. Of course she didn't think that of me, but I thought that of myself. Since then, I've steered clear of pasta dishes and garlic bread.
Last night, I didn't over-think my "reunion" with the lasagna. I wasn't worrying about it all day. Ma asked, just before dinnertime, if I was having something else. I said that I was going to have the same as the rest. It was lasagna day. I didn't have a large piece, it was actually quite small. It was fine it was fine it was fine.. No major problems. I had it with some salad and 4 pieces of garlic bread.
Diann said that, when I'm eating it, I should try to be really present. So not worrying about what it's going to do to me and cutting out the visions I'd have about the greasy sauce clogging my arteries and making my hips all mushy. I wasn't to worry about the feeling I might have afterwards and forget the guilt. So that's what I did. I tried my best. And it was fine. I enjoyed it so so much. I didn't overdo it on the garlic bread. Only 1 piece was big, the other 3 were pretty small, so that made me feel better.
After dinner, there was still some garlic bread left.. It started jumping up at me... shouting: "Eat me, eat me..you know you want to..go on..you can have me..I'm here..I'm tasty and delicious".. But I resisted because I was full and I knew if I were to have 1 more piece, it would soon be another and then another.. Instead, I hid the leftovers in the microwave and was so happy to throw it in the bin a few hours later. The rest of the evening I was feeling really really bloated. My stomach was swollen, but I wasn't all THAT full.
I started to get hungry around 08.30. But I ignored it. Because it was a day, that I was going to make just one more step and I didn't want to wreck my head by overdoing it, food-wise. Around 9 o'clock, sitting on the sofa, with Orla, Emma, Eileen and Ma, everyone started drinking. I knew this was going to be the weekend, for alcohol again. But I didn't mind, because I'd be gearing myself up for it.
I was fighting with myself whether or not have a glass of rose wine. June was probably the last time I had a glass (I've had some whiskey since then, but not my favorite delicious drink..hummmm). I had to break the ice, or at least just have a taste of it, before Eileen's party. I was cautious that I otherwise might go totally overboard. So I decided to take the step.
I told myself over and over again..: "Me and Anna are fine.. Drinking rose wine doesn't mean I'm cured.. Nobody expects me to be anything other than myself.. There's nobody judging me.. There are no boundaries as to how much enjoyment I'm allowed to have.."
Round and round these thoughts were going in my head. I was also trying to be aware if I wasn't pushing myself, by being in a good mood and chatting. I was doing the exact amount of talking, eating and drinking that I could physically and mentally cope with.
I don't have to feel awful, I don't have to break down. If I'm feeling fine, then that's what I reflect to the outside world. I wasn't feeling guilty when I was drinking it. But I did notice, that I would have easily given in, and had the whole bottle, instead of just the 2 glasses. It had been so long since I had had a glass, that all these memories came flooding back, once I took that first sip. I drank so much of the rose the 6 months leading to up the whole "Anna explosion".. I was suddenly back in Holland, drinking and partying. It was so vivid that I could even feel the awful feelings I felt back them. I could recall them so easily. But it didn't make me upset or feel depressed. The memories were just there, and that was fine, as long as they stay memories and I don't have to relive them and I don't have to block them. If anything, it showed me that I must be so much healthier now, to be able to feel how awful and lifeless I felt back then. The difference is immense.
I sat there drinking this rose wine. I was weary that I might want to restrict myself the following day, which is today. I worried that I wouldn't let myself have breakfast, because of all the empty calories in the wine. But I had to constantly tell myself, that I'll need every ounce of energy to get through this weekend, with a clear mind and with as little clouds as possible. If I eat as much healthy good foods as possible then that will only help me to feel okay when enjoying myself. My mind wouldn't be as foggy and clogged up. If I were to restrict myself, then I wouldn't be getting enough calories and I wouldn't be mentally strong enough to fight the guilt that might arise.
It can be so complicated, but so logical at the same time.. It was a big day yesterday, but again, I got through it.
I had the lasagna for dinner, for the first time, since June. I will never forget that night I had it last. I was here on holidays, just before everything came to the surface about me and Anna, and I was trying to hide it so I was eating everything that was put in front of me. Ma made lasagna, or more to the point, she bought a frozen one and stuck it in the oven. It was so delicious that I had a second plate.. Nobody seen that I had taken some more so when Ma went over to the cooker, she was astonished that all the lasagna had gone.. And then I had to "own up" to eating it. I'll never forget how awful I felt, for having eaten more than Anna would allow me to. I felt like a failure towards Ma and Anna. I remember worrying that Ma would probably think of me as a disgusting fat pig. Of course she didn't think that of me, but I thought that of myself. Since then, I've steered clear of pasta dishes and garlic bread.
Last night, I didn't over-think my "reunion" with the lasagna. I wasn't worrying about it all day. Ma asked, just before dinnertime, if I was having something else. I said that I was going to have the same as the rest. It was lasagna day. I didn't have a large piece, it was actually quite small. It was fine it was fine it was fine.. No major problems. I had it with some salad and 4 pieces of garlic bread.
Diann said that, when I'm eating it, I should try to be really present. So not worrying about what it's going to do to me and cutting out the visions I'd have about the greasy sauce clogging my arteries and making my hips all mushy. I wasn't to worry about the feeling I might have afterwards and forget the guilt. So that's what I did. I tried my best. And it was fine. I enjoyed it so so much. I didn't overdo it on the garlic bread. Only 1 piece was big, the other 3 were pretty small, so that made me feel better.
After dinner, there was still some garlic bread left.. It started jumping up at me... shouting: "Eat me, eat me..you know you want to..go on..you can have me..I'm here..I'm tasty and delicious".. But I resisted because I was full and I knew if I were to have 1 more piece, it would soon be another and then another.. Instead, I hid the leftovers in the microwave and was so happy to throw it in the bin a few hours later. The rest of the evening I was feeling really really bloated. My stomach was swollen, but I wasn't all THAT full.
I started to get hungry around 08.30. But I ignored it. Because it was a day, that I was going to make just one more step and I didn't want to wreck my head by overdoing it, food-wise. Around 9 o'clock, sitting on the sofa, with Orla, Emma, Eileen and Ma, everyone started drinking. I knew this was going to be the weekend, for alcohol again. But I didn't mind, because I'd be gearing myself up for it.
I was fighting with myself whether or not have a glass of rose wine. June was probably the last time I had a glass (I've had some whiskey since then, but not my favorite delicious drink..hummmm). I had to break the ice, or at least just have a taste of it, before Eileen's party. I was cautious that I otherwise might go totally overboard. So I decided to take the step.
I told myself over and over again..: "Me and Anna are fine.. Drinking rose wine doesn't mean I'm cured.. Nobody expects me to be anything other than myself.. There's nobody judging me.. There are no boundaries as to how much enjoyment I'm allowed to have.."
Round and round these thoughts were going in my head. I was also trying to be aware if I wasn't pushing myself, by being in a good mood and chatting. I was doing the exact amount of talking, eating and drinking that I could physically and mentally cope with.
I don't have to feel awful, I don't have to break down. If I'm feeling fine, then that's what I reflect to the outside world. I wasn't feeling guilty when I was drinking it. But I did notice, that I would have easily given in, and had the whole bottle, instead of just the 2 glasses. It had been so long since I had had a glass, that all these memories came flooding back, once I took that first sip. I drank so much of the rose the 6 months leading to up the whole "Anna explosion".. I was suddenly back in Holland, drinking and partying. It was so vivid that I could even feel the awful feelings I felt back them. I could recall them so easily. But it didn't make me upset or feel depressed. The memories were just there, and that was fine, as long as they stay memories and I don't have to relive them and I don't have to block them. If anything, it showed me that I must be so much healthier now, to be able to feel how awful and lifeless I felt back then. The difference is immense.
I sat there drinking this rose wine. I was weary that I might want to restrict myself the following day, which is today. I worried that I wouldn't let myself have breakfast, because of all the empty calories in the wine. But I had to constantly tell myself, that I'll need every ounce of energy to get through this weekend, with a clear mind and with as little clouds as possible. If I eat as much healthy good foods as possible then that will only help me to feel okay when enjoying myself. My mind wouldn't be as foggy and clogged up. If I were to restrict myself, then I wouldn't be getting enough calories and I wouldn't be mentally strong enough to fight the guilt that might arise.
It can be so complicated, but so logical at the same time.. It was a big day yesterday, but again, I got through it.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Another day - Another say
Another day, meaning another chance. I started off as usual. I didn't experiment with other fruit juices, I didn't have a different breakfast. I stuck to what I'm used to. I wasn't going to rock the boat, like I did yesterday..o yeah, and apples aren't my enemy anymore. But I'm not too sure about the pears.. will have to see how it goes..
I made it through yesterday, thankfully. Throughout the evening, I started to feel a little more normal. But I kept on having these urges to write and to analyze everything and how I was feeling and why I was feeling the way I was and why the day had been so awful. But the instant these thoughts started going round in my head, I had to switch them off, and I had to force myself constantly to think of other things and to keep my occupied with either a book or the the telly. I managed. I knew if I were to sit behind the computer, I would make myself feel worse and set myself up for another break down. I was able, so I left it alone.
I lay on the sofa last night, and I felt physically ill, and my legs were so sore. Mr. Acupuncturist told me to eat 3 banana's a week, which will help the stinging pain to stop. But I don't want to. It's like I'd be taking a medicine and taking medicine is something that will help me get better, but I want to it without medicine. I want to feel the difference in my legs, whenever I'm lying down. I want to notice, without the help of anything, that I'm making myself better, by resting. And it doesn't help that I'm not that big of a fan of the banana. All the fats and stuff, and they make you feel so full.. not nice at all. But I used to enjoy them. Especially dried banana's..hummm, gorgeous, very sweet, but still lovely. So maybe I might have to have one, sometime soon. I would love to have banana on pizza..with salami, pineapple and ham.. My favorite. It sounds like an awful combination, but the sweet and savory is yummy..
I didn't have lasagna for dinner yesterday. I think it's on the cards for today though. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I ate well yesterday, even though I wanted to restrict so badly. I didn't though. I jumbled things around and I didn't count the calories. I don't know if it was a lot or too much or too little that I ate, but I was eating, so that was good. I was eating intuitively... What a word..
Well, it's Friday morning now and a big weekend is starting. My first "big" weekend in months. It's Eileens 21st birthday party tomorrow night, and Emma and Orla are coming over. Haven't seen them for ages, or so it feels. There'll be other family that I haven't seen for ages as well. It might all be a little overwhelming. But if I take it easy, I'll get through it. If there's anything that I've learned from the past 3 weeks, it's that I'm NOT to convince myself that this is all "too good to be true", because that just wrecks my head and makes everything feel like a punishment and too much enjoyment. So I have to let those thoughts go and whenever the guilt rises, I have to ask myself.. "Who is judging me by the amount of enjoyment I'm having?".. The answer will be..nobody. And I also have to tell myself that there are no limits to the amount of fun I'm supposed to be having. Because there aren't.
I'm reading a book at the moment, and there have been a few chapters about an alcoholic is severely depressed. She said at one stage: "The ceiling the presents the pleasure in life is low and the floor of despair is bottomless.." That sounded so familiar, but it's all in the mind. Because the ceiling of pleasure, shouldn't even exist, it should be without a roof..it should be as high as high can be.. and nobody knows what the highest height is, so therefore pleasure should be endless as well.. The mind creates the ceiling and the floor.. Breaking free from them will let me enjoy myself beyond belief, without boundaries and without guilt..
I'm taking each day as it comes, this weekend..
I made it through yesterday, thankfully. Throughout the evening, I started to feel a little more normal. But I kept on having these urges to write and to analyze everything and how I was feeling and why I was feeling the way I was and why the day had been so awful. But the instant these thoughts started going round in my head, I had to switch them off, and I had to force myself constantly to think of other things and to keep my occupied with either a book or the the telly. I managed. I knew if I were to sit behind the computer, I would make myself feel worse and set myself up for another break down. I was able, so I left it alone.
I lay on the sofa last night, and I felt physically ill, and my legs were so sore. Mr. Acupuncturist told me to eat 3 banana's a week, which will help the stinging pain to stop. But I don't want to. It's like I'd be taking a medicine and taking medicine is something that will help me get better, but I want to it without medicine. I want to feel the difference in my legs, whenever I'm lying down. I want to notice, without the help of anything, that I'm making myself better, by resting. And it doesn't help that I'm not that big of a fan of the banana. All the fats and stuff, and they make you feel so full.. not nice at all. But I used to enjoy them. Especially dried banana's..hummm, gorgeous, very sweet, but still lovely. So maybe I might have to have one, sometime soon. I would love to have banana on pizza..with salami, pineapple and ham.. My favorite. It sounds like an awful combination, but the sweet and savory is yummy..
I didn't have lasagna for dinner yesterday. I think it's on the cards for today though. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I ate well yesterday, even though I wanted to restrict so badly. I didn't though. I jumbled things around and I didn't count the calories. I don't know if it was a lot or too much or too little that I ate, but I was eating, so that was good. I was eating intuitively... What a word..
Well, it's Friday morning now and a big weekend is starting. My first "big" weekend in months. It's Eileens 21st birthday party tomorrow night, and Emma and Orla are coming over. Haven't seen them for ages, or so it feels. There'll be other family that I haven't seen for ages as well. It might all be a little overwhelming. But if I take it easy, I'll get through it. If there's anything that I've learned from the past 3 weeks, it's that I'm NOT to convince myself that this is all "too good to be true", because that just wrecks my head and makes everything feel like a punishment and too much enjoyment. So I have to let those thoughts go and whenever the guilt rises, I have to ask myself.. "Who is judging me by the amount of enjoyment I'm having?".. The answer will be..nobody. And I also have to tell myself that there are no limits to the amount of fun I'm supposed to be having. Because there aren't.
I'm reading a book at the moment, and there have been a few chapters about an alcoholic is severely depressed. She said at one stage: "The ceiling the presents the pleasure in life is low and the floor of despair is bottomless.." That sounded so familiar, but it's all in the mind. Because the ceiling of pleasure, shouldn't even exist, it should be without a roof..it should be as high as high can be.. and nobody knows what the highest height is, so therefore pleasure should be endless as well.. The mind creates the ceiling and the floor.. Breaking free from them will let me enjoy myself beyond belief, without boundaries and without guilt..
I'm taking each day as it comes, this weekend..
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Losing sight of reality
The one person who knows and therefore I should tell
Is the one who receives the grief and the unnecessary yell
There's no control to have or handle to grasp
I may never be capable of finishing this dreaded task
This bad feeling so familiar, I might own it forever
And it seems like there's nothing ahead, but stormy weather
Anger, frustration and annoyance, without end
What to do with these sentiments, who wants a lend?
Bad behaviour, bad thoughts, bad mood and a bad time
Who really cares if a poem does or doesn't rhyme?
To me it's a worry and everything should be in sync
No matter how painful or how "over-the-top" you may think
Freaking me out and catching me off-guard
Can I run away or maybe just crawl that first yard?
Claustrophobic by all means, but no in the usual sense
My body, my mind are closed off by an invisible fence
The fence is slightly broken which fills me with disgust
That's only causing my doom and gloom, as incense turns to dust
Finally it happens and the sun is going down
The darkness will suite me better, it fits my horrible frown
One point to Anna and zero points to Fay
But who is keeping score, because I didn't want to play
Nobody told me, this was how it would feel
It's so unfair and all because I once started by skipping just 1 meal * * *
Is the one who receives the grief and the unnecessary yell
There's no control to have or handle to grasp
I may never be capable of finishing this dreaded task
This bad feeling so familiar, I might own it forever
And it seems like there's nothing ahead, but stormy weather
Anger, frustration and annoyance, without end
What to do with these sentiments, who wants a lend?
Bad behaviour, bad thoughts, bad mood and a bad time
Who really cares if a poem does or doesn't rhyme?
To me it's a worry and everything should be in sync
No matter how painful or how "over-the-top" you may think
Freaking me out and catching me off-guard
Can I run away or maybe just crawl that first yard?
Claustrophobic by all means, but no in the usual sense
My body, my mind are closed off by an invisible fence
The fence is slightly broken which fills me with disgust
That's only causing my doom and gloom, as incense turns to dust
Finally it happens and the sun is going down
The darkness will suite me better, it fits my horrible frown
One point to Anna and zero points to Fay
But who is keeping score, because I didn't want to play
Nobody told me, this was how it would feel
It's so unfair and all because I once started by skipping just 1 meal * * *
Saying "no"
What to do, what to do... Locked up in the bathroom, not being able to decide whether or not, I should or shouldn't so shopping with Ma. The pressure was immense and the tears wouldn't stop.
thinking, thinking..yes no yes no yes no..
I could have gotten my act together, wiped away the tears, put on a happy face and helped Ma out. Or I couldn't have let all the stress fall away and not push myself, go back to bed and hope the bad feelings of despair will leave.
Once I had said "no" I felt better. I told Ma I wasn't going, but then feeling better made me think that probably I would have been able to go with her. That made me feel awful again. I don't know who was in control, Anna or Fay.. All I know is that I felt immense guilt. I instantly felt better, maybe because I was doing what I wanted to do and what I was meant to do. It felt good, so it made me feel worse, but it would be better for me to break down now, instead of over the weekend. I must have needed that time-out..nobody standing too close to me, nobody wanting advice, nobody there for my mood to be reflected on, nobody to make me see just how awful I am, nobody to rub my nose in it..
I was watching Oprah yesterday afternoon, and she said that when you say "no" to others, you're often saying "yes" to yourself. So that's what I had to tell myself. I was back in bed, at 10 o'clock this morning. I had only been up since 8. After 3 hours of dozing, worrying, thinking, dreaming, crying I had to get up, just to eat.. So I'm just up now, 10 minutes, and it's Thursday morning, take two..
When I was in the bathroom this morning, all I could do was loath my big red head, with cheeks that have gone beyond the size of hamster cheeks..now they could probably be classed as 2 full-bodied hamsters, either side of my nose. My head is pear-shaped..well it was until last week, until I started to notice that even my forehead is fattening up. It's getting spongy. I never used to be able to push down into the fat, but now I can. So my head is slowly becoming apple-shaped. And after this mornings experiment with apple and pear juice, I hate both of them. They have probably now become my enemy.. Well pears anyhow. That isn't the only thing that's fattening up.. my armpits are another thing. They used to be proper hollow "cups". Now they've filled out and have become saucers. How awful is that.
I had to get up out of bed by 1 o'clock, because I was starving.. It had only been 4 hours since breakfast. That really isn't that long, and all I had done was lie in bed and feel disgusting.. I'm having a piece of toast now. It's nice. But it's wrecking my head. As I lay in bed, all I could do was wish so much to be have a day without eating. Just 1 day, that all I wanted, so so much. But I know I can't. Physically I would be able to, because I'm carrying around so much weight and reserves, that I won't fall down in a heap for not eating. But if I do, it will only tease me, and I'll want more emptiness. I'll want that feeling of nothingness even more. Telling myself I can't have something and that it's forbidden, makes me want it all and that makes the will to not eat, even stronger. I would go straight back into that "special" way of thinking. Diann told me on Monday, that once you've had an eating disorder, the pathways are carved so deep, that it only takes one little thing or one restriction to get you thinking in those "special" pathways again, which sets all the Anna related habits into action. The pathways will aways be there, it's just learning to live without getting distracted by that road or feeling tempted to go there.
I told myself, this morning, maybe I could just have this or that, and leave out this or that.. I was already feeling better for thinking like this, and I knew if I were to do it, that I would feel even better. But it's a pleasure that's short lived.. I probably won't eat everything I'm supposed to today, but if I tell myself I'm allowed everything, then I won't overeat trying to make up for the four hours I've gone without eating. Telling myself this, will make me see there are no barriers, so I'm not restricting and not giving in to Anna.
This might turn out to be the longest day in the history of time. I think it's all down to me having a bad nights sleep.. All I want to do now, is go back to bed and read or watch dvds.. As long as I'm not harming anybody by doing so, then I'm okay.. I'm allowed to do it and I'm safe.
thinking, thinking..yes no yes no yes no..
I could have gotten my act together, wiped away the tears, put on a happy face and helped Ma out. Or I couldn't have let all the stress fall away and not push myself, go back to bed and hope the bad feelings of despair will leave.
Once I had said "no" I felt better. I told Ma I wasn't going, but then feeling better made me think that probably I would have been able to go with her. That made me feel awful again. I don't know who was in control, Anna or Fay.. All I know is that I felt immense guilt. I instantly felt better, maybe because I was doing what I wanted to do and what I was meant to do. It felt good, so it made me feel worse, but it would be better for me to break down now, instead of over the weekend. I must have needed that time-out..nobody standing too close to me, nobody wanting advice, nobody there for my mood to be reflected on, nobody to make me see just how awful I am, nobody to rub my nose in it..
I was watching Oprah yesterday afternoon, and she said that when you say "no" to others, you're often saying "yes" to yourself. So that's what I had to tell myself. I was back in bed, at 10 o'clock this morning. I had only been up since 8. After 3 hours of dozing, worrying, thinking, dreaming, crying I had to get up, just to eat.. So I'm just up now, 10 minutes, and it's Thursday morning, take two..
When I was in the bathroom this morning, all I could do was loath my big red head, with cheeks that have gone beyond the size of hamster cheeks..now they could probably be classed as 2 full-bodied hamsters, either side of my nose. My head is pear-shaped..well it was until last week, until I started to notice that even my forehead is fattening up. It's getting spongy. I never used to be able to push down into the fat, but now I can. So my head is slowly becoming apple-shaped. And after this mornings experiment with apple and pear juice, I hate both of them. They have probably now become my enemy.. Well pears anyhow. That isn't the only thing that's fattening up.. my armpits are another thing. They used to be proper hollow "cups". Now they've filled out and have become saucers. How awful is that.
I had to get up out of bed by 1 o'clock, because I was starving.. It had only been 4 hours since breakfast. That really isn't that long, and all I had done was lie in bed and feel disgusting.. I'm having a piece of toast now. It's nice. But it's wrecking my head. As I lay in bed, all I could do was wish so much to be have a day without eating. Just 1 day, that all I wanted, so so much. But I know I can't. Physically I would be able to, because I'm carrying around so much weight and reserves, that I won't fall down in a heap for not eating. But if I do, it will only tease me, and I'll want more emptiness. I'll want that feeling of nothingness even more. Telling myself I can't have something and that it's forbidden, makes me want it all and that makes the will to not eat, even stronger. I would go straight back into that "special" way of thinking. Diann told me on Monday, that once you've had an eating disorder, the pathways are carved so deep, that it only takes one little thing or one restriction to get you thinking in those "special" pathways again, which sets all the Anna related habits into action. The pathways will aways be there, it's just learning to live without getting distracted by that road or feeling tempted to go there.
I told myself, this morning, maybe I could just have this or that, and leave out this or that.. I was already feeling better for thinking like this, and I knew if I were to do it, that I would feel even better. But it's a pleasure that's short lived.. I probably won't eat everything I'm supposed to today, but if I tell myself I'm allowed everything, then I won't overeat trying to make up for the four hours I've gone without eating. Telling myself this, will make me see there are no barriers, so I'm not restricting and not giving in to Anna.
This might turn out to be the longest day in the history of time. I think it's all down to me having a bad nights sleep.. All I want to do now, is go back to bed and read or watch dvds.. As long as I'm not harming anybody by doing so, then I'm okay.. I'm allowed to do it and I'm safe.
Thick and sweet substance
I've started the day totally wrong. I wanted to try something new, but I've mucked it all up.
I usually have orange juice, squeezed, with yogurt and muesli. But I thought I'd try some pear and apple juice, squeezed...wrong wrong wrong. I had 3 sips, before starting to eat, and I was full. I didn't want to have my usual breakfast, because it was of the same substance as the juice..thick and filling. So what did I do instead? I had a normal bowl of muesli with milk.. again..wrong wrong wrong. This was too sweet. After having the apple and pear juice, which felt like it was instantly rotting my teeth, and giving my body too much sugar that my body wouldn't have a clue what to do with it, the sweetness was overbearing and I made it all the worse, by having 5 tablespoons of muesli...FAR TOO SWEET. So now, I've ruined the day, and it's only just after 9 in the morning. What am I gonna do now? I'm full, feel so bad and disgusting and I can't stomach and digest the thickness and sweetness..it's so wrong.
To top it all, last night, after dinner, I had my supplement drink at 09.30 in the evening, and I was still hungry. I didn't yet have a digestive biscuit, I was still meant to have it. I did, and then another... at 10 o'clock at night. I couldn't help myself. I just walked back to the biscuit tin, and had the last one. It's just as well the packet was empty or else I think I would have had more than the 2 I enjoyed so much.
I woke up this morning, after dreaming about my delicious breakfast that I usually have..in my dream I had already eaten it, and I woke and realized that I hadn't, which made me happy.. Then I thought about the 2 biscuits and instantly felt awful again. It's ruined my day and I've made it even worse by having the apple and pear juice.. Why did I do that? Because now I've missed the enjoyment of the vanilla yogurt with nuts, seeds, dried fruit and muesli. I have to wait another 24 hours now, before I get to enjoy it.. I crave it already, but if I give in, then I'm having too much dairy products and too much dairy means too much fat.. But it's all I want.. Why.. where has the craving come from?? It's so unfair, and I hate it so much. It will then have been 48 hours since I've had my delicious and "safe" breakfast. Having a normal bowl of muesli means I don't know the calories, sugar content. I don't know if the portion is too much or too little. I don't know if it's better for me or if it's the muesli that's making me fat...
Probably to make today even worse, I might to having lasagna for dinner. Diann wanted me to have some, because I mentioned it during the session on Monday. She picked up on the fact that I love it and won't let myself have it yet. So this week, she's told me to have some. Just the thought of the thick, greasy mince sauce, is putting fat on my hips.
The is all such a dilemma, and making it worse, now, is that I have to decide whether to go to the shops with Mam or not. I should, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if it's good or bad. I don't know why I'll be doing it. The smallest decision and I'm terrified. Maybe I should be still in bed, waiting for this bad feeling to end. But if I don't get out of the house today, I'll never forget about this bad start I'm having and visions of the sugar running through my veins will be too much to bare. But it won't stop me from wanting to stuff my face all day long.
So what's best? What am I to do? To make it all that little bit worse, the sky is blue and the sun is shining.. how awful. That means that I'd totally feel guilty and awful by staying inside, because blue skies mean there's a world outside this house. I don't want to be apart of it, and I don't care if it stops turning either.. But maybe I have to push myself, even if it does feel awful.. Where and when am I ever going to find the answers to these dilemma's.. can't it just stop??????
I usually have orange juice, squeezed, with yogurt and muesli. But I thought I'd try some pear and apple juice, squeezed...wrong wrong wrong. I had 3 sips, before starting to eat, and I was full. I didn't want to have my usual breakfast, because it was of the same substance as the juice..thick and filling. So what did I do instead? I had a normal bowl of muesli with milk.. again..wrong wrong wrong. This was too sweet. After having the apple and pear juice, which felt like it was instantly rotting my teeth, and giving my body too much sugar that my body wouldn't have a clue what to do with it, the sweetness was overbearing and I made it all the worse, by having 5 tablespoons of muesli...FAR TOO SWEET. So now, I've ruined the day, and it's only just after 9 in the morning. What am I gonna do now? I'm full, feel so bad and disgusting and I can't stomach and digest the thickness and sweetness..it's so wrong.
To top it all, last night, after dinner, I had my supplement drink at 09.30 in the evening, and I was still hungry. I didn't yet have a digestive biscuit, I was still meant to have it. I did, and then another... at 10 o'clock at night. I couldn't help myself. I just walked back to the biscuit tin, and had the last one. It's just as well the packet was empty or else I think I would have had more than the 2 I enjoyed so much.
I woke up this morning, after dreaming about my delicious breakfast that I usually have..in my dream I had already eaten it, and I woke and realized that I hadn't, which made me happy.. Then I thought about the 2 biscuits and instantly felt awful again. It's ruined my day and I've made it even worse by having the apple and pear juice.. Why did I do that? Because now I've missed the enjoyment of the vanilla yogurt with nuts, seeds, dried fruit and muesli. I have to wait another 24 hours now, before I get to enjoy it.. I crave it already, but if I give in, then I'm having too much dairy products and too much dairy means too much fat.. But it's all I want.. Why.. where has the craving come from?? It's so unfair, and I hate it so much. It will then have been 48 hours since I've had my delicious and "safe" breakfast. Having a normal bowl of muesli means I don't know the calories, sugar content. I don't know if the portion is too much or too little. I don't know if it's better for me or if it's the muesli that's making me fat...
Probably to make today even worse, I might to having lasagna for dinner. Diann wanted me to have some, because I mentioned it during the session on Monday. She picked up on the fact that I love it and won't let myself have it yet. So this week, she's told me to have some. Just the thought of the thick, greasy mince sauce, is putting fat on my hips.
The is all such a dilemma, and making it worse, now, is that I have to decide whether to go to the shops with Mam or not. I should, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if it's good or bad. I don't know why I'll be doing it. The smallest decision and I'm terrified. Maybe I should be still in bed, waiting for this bad feeling to end. But if I don't get out of the house today, I'll never forget about this bad start I'm having and visions of the sugar running through my veins will be too much to bare. But it won't stop me from wanting to stuff my face all day long.
So what's best? What am I to do? To make it all that little bit worse, the sky is blue and the sun is shining.. how awful. That means that I'd totally feel guilty and awful by staying inside, because blue skies mean there's a world outside this house. I don't want to be apart of it, and I don't care if it stops turning either.. But maybe I have to push myself, even if it does feel awful.. Where and when am I ever going to find the answers to these dilemma's.. can't it just stop??????
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I'm just not bothered
It's Wednesday evening. And the past 2 days I've been drained.
Last night and the night before that, just before going to sleep, I'd be so tired, that I'd feel a floating sensation and I'd have little bursts of adrenaline running through and I'd be dizzy, all at the same time. I would be full of life but so happy to feel exhausted at the same time. Feeling so drained, makes me happier because it means I deserve to sleep and that's good. If I'm not happy, I'm not allowed to sleep. But the past 2 nights, it's the strangest feeling, I can't hardly explain. Sometimes I'd have pressure in my chest and I'd feeling a buzzing nervousness going through me. Just before nodding off, I'd try to ask myself a certain question hoping that I'll be able to influence my dreams.. thinking that maybe everything will become clear in my sleep. But, to my knowledge, it doesn't work. Not for me anyhow.
The answers haven't been coming to me, and come to think of it, I don't even know the questions. I don't really know that much. I don't feel like I know anything. I don't know the questions so I definitely don't know the answers. I'm empty and just want quiet. Maybe being isolated will make me think of questions and get me worrying again and give me purpose. It might make me feel alive again. At the moment all I want is rest, silence, isolation...that's nothing. All I want is nothing. Where this has come from, I have no idea. I'm lifeless and really couldn't care less. It doesn't bother. It just makes me wonder where it has come from.. Maybe it was the acupuncture this afternoon, maybe it was the session with Diann that's only now starting to effect in the right way. But I don't know if it's the right way, because I feel so bad for it. I feel awful because of it.
I feel so bad for not worrying. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel bad for not questioning everything I do. I feel bad for not being able to enjoy the silence in my head. It feels so wrong, but if I dig deep enough, I know it all okay and that it's exactly what I need.
If someone where to give me a ticket to South-America, at this very moment, I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't feel tempted, I wouldn't care...
I can't believe I just wrote that. That isn't ME at all. It just goes to show, how far I am from being my normal self. But when I come to think of it, I don't really know what my normal self is, anymore. Because she left me, so long ago, and now she's being built up again. What if I don't like her, what if nobody wants to know me anymore, once I come out of this..
Oops...did you see what just happened there.. did you see how sneakily Anna just came in by trying to make me think that everyone will end up hating me for not having her in my life anymore.. That's so annoying when that happens.. it's beyond my control, at that very instant, when all I'm doing is letting my fingers type my thoughts. A few seconds is all it takes, for 1 thought to become the worrying next thought and for me to type it and then realize who typed it and why..
It can be so hard. I'm just tired of it all. I'm scared to do anything at the moment. I don't want to overdo it. I can't overwhelm myself by getting too distracted by things on telly or by people and positive things around. So what am I supposed to do? Just curl up in a ball forever and let life pass me by? That would probably be the easiest way. Then I wouldn't have to think so much. I could give myself a break. I wouldn't hate myself for doing or not doing certain things. I wouldn't need to worry. I wouldn't need to do anything, just lie there. But isn't that what I've been doing the past 5 months? I can't remember ever been bored, I can't hardly remember anything.. All I can see when I think back, is this site, food, Diann and my ceiling. That's it. So why don't I care? And why wouldn't I jump on a plane if I had the chance? What's wrong with me? Aren't I better? Who knows. How can I ever expect anybody to understand me, when I don't even understand me myself? Maybe I do, but I just want to and I'm ignoring it all.
I can't plan ahead. I was doing that all last week, and it ended up causing havoc. So I can't go there. I can never imagine me ever having a normal life again. It feels so out of reach. It might never happen. Having fun with friends, enjoying a drink, going to a nightclub, being happy after a good day's work, hopping on a plane without any doubts of not being capable. It all seems like things that are so far out of my league, that if I were to take all that on right now, I'd drown. I'd be a goner. Maybe that's why I wouldn't jump on a plane to South-America right now, if I had the chance. The funny thing is, and I'm repeating myself again, I don't care that I'm not capable of anything right now. I probably wouldn't even flinch if the house were to fall down around me..the only thing that might phase me would be if the computer broke down or the fridge was empty..
Again, I can't believe I just wrote that..I WOULD care if I didn't have any food.. well, that's proof enough to me.. If that's more important to me, than the house falling down, that means I'm choosing to have my life back..it should only be a matter of time, before I'll say yes to that plane ticket to South-America..
This sense of "not giving a damn" is the craziest feeling in the world..
Last night and the night before that, just before going to sleep, I'd be so tired, that I'd feel a floating sensation and I'd have little bursts of adrenaline running through and I'd be dizzy, all at the same time. I would be full of life but so happy to feel exhausted at the same time. Feeling so drained, makes me happier because it means I deserve to sleep and that's good. If I'm not happy, I'm not allowed to sleep. But the past 2 nights, it's the strangest feeling, I can't hardly explain. Sometimes I'd have pressure in my chest and I'd feeling a buzzing nervousness going through me. Just before nodding off, I'd try to ask myself a certain question hoping that I'll be able to influence my dreams.. thinking that maybe everything will become clear in my sleep. But, to my knowledge, it doesn't work. Not for me anyhow.
The answers haven't been coming to me, and come to think of it, I don't even know the questions. I don't really know that much. I don't feel like I know anything. I don't know the questions so I definitely don't know the answers. I'm empty and just want quiet. Maybe being isolated will make me think of questions and get me worrying again and give me purpose. It might make me feel alive again. At the moment all I want is rest, silence, isolation...that's nothing. All I want is nothing. Where this has come from, I have no idea. I'm lifeless and really couldn't care less. It doesn't bother. It just makes me wonder where it has come from.. Maybe it was the acupuncture this afternoon, maybe it was the session with Diann that's only now starting to effect in the right way. But I don't know if it's the right way, because I feel so bad for it. I feel awful because of it.
I feel so bad for not worrying. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel bad for not questioning everything I do. I feel bad for not being able to enjoy the silence in my head. It feels so wrong, but if I dig deep enough, I know it all okay and that it's exactly what I need.
If someone where to give me a ticket to South-America, at this very moment, I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't feel tempted, I wouldn't care...
I can't believe I just wrote that. That isn't ME at all. It just goes to show, how far I am from being my normal self. But when I come to think of it, I don't really know what my normal self is, anymore. Because she left me, so long ago, and now she's being built up again. What if I don't like her, what if nobody wants to know me anymore, once I come out of this..
Oops...did you see what just happened there.. did you see how sneakily Anna just came in by trying to make me think that everyone will end up hating me for not having her in my life anymore.. That's so annoying when that happens.. it's beyond my control, at that very instant, when all I'm doing is letting my fingers type my thoughts. A few seconds is all it takes, for 1 thought to become the worrying next thought and for me to type it and then realize who typed it and why..
It can be so hard. I'm just tired of it all. I'm scared to do anything at the moment. I don't want to overdo it. I can't overwhelm myself by getting too distracted by things on telly or by people and positive things around. So what am I supposed to do? Just curl up in a ball forever and let life pass me by? That would probably be the easiest way. Then I wouldn't have to think so much. I could give myself a break. I wouldn't hate myself for doing or not doing certain things. I wouldn't need to worry. I wouldn't need to do anything, just lie there. But isn't that what I've been doing the past 5 months? I can't remember ever been bored, I can't hardly remember anything.. All I can see when I think back, is this site, food, Diann and my ceiling. That's it. So why don't I care? And why wouldn't I jump on a plane if I had the chance? What's wrong with me? Aren't I better? Who knows. How can I ever expect anybody to understand me, when I don't even understand me myself? Maybe I do, but I just want to and I'm ignoring it all.
I can't plan ahead. I was doing that all last week, and it ended up causing havoc. So I can't go there. I can never imagine me ever having a normal life again. It feels so out of reach. It might never happen. Having fun with friends, enjoying a drink, going to a nightclub, being happy after a good day's work, hopping on a plane without any doubts of not being capable. It all seems like things that are so far out of my league, that if I were to take all that on right now, I'd drown. I'd be a goner. Maybe that's why I wouldn't jump on a plane to South-America right now, if I had the chance. The funny thing is, and I'm repeating myself again, I don't care that I'm not capable of anything right now. I probably wouldn't even flinch if the house were to fall down around me..the only thing that might phase me would be if the computer broke down or the fridge was empty..
Again, I can't believe I just wrote that..I WOULD care if I didn't have any food.. well, that's proof enough to me.. If that's more important to me, than the house falling down, that means I'm choosing to have my life back..it should only be a matter of time, before I'll say yes to that plane ticket to South-America..
This sense of "not giving a damn" is the craziest feeling in the world..
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A game of tennis
A tennis-court with a tennis-ball being hit back and forth, back and forth. Constantly, over and over again. Sometimes the ball is being played at high speed, other times it's at a slower pace. When the game is over and when the score is set, there's no more ball being played. There's nothing more to look at, there's nothing more to focus on.. all has stopped and there's only the tennis-court. Nothing more, nothing less. The tennis-ball, is like my thoughts. The tennis-court is me. I'm not the tennis-ball being played. I'm therefore not my thoughts. I'm just the space where my thoughts are being fed. But I can distance myself from my thoughts. I can make them stop. The game doesn't have to be ongoing. The ball can stop as can my thoughts. The ball can be taken away from the tennis-court as can my thoughts.
A tennis-court can seem insignificant, when there isn't a game being played. What's the purpose of the court? The tennis-court is just there. It has no purpose, it just IS. There is no action, there is just quietness. As the court without a tennis-ball, I am without thoughts. That makes me become aware of my consciousness. It makes me aware that my thoughts are me and they don't possess me, they don't own me. Being aware of my thoughts and of myself, seeing them as separate, brings me to that quiet place. It's that place where all is well and good. A place where time isn't an issue. When the game isn't being played, or the thoughts aren't being thought, then there are no worries about the outcome and length of the game or there are no worries about the time, space and destination of my life.
Distancing myself from my thoughts and worries and becoming aware that I'm thinking means I can make the worrying stop. I can make the stress go away. I can let everything take the course it's meant to take and I can go to that happy place, inside. That's the only space, at this moment in time, where I can keep on going on the right track, in order to get through this. Once I leave this place, I seem to become the tennis-ball again. I start to see and identify myself as my thoughts. But this doesn't give me freedom, this doesn't give me the life I long for so much.
The thoughts that I've been having over the past week, take a grip and I become muddled, confused and focused on all the things that make me do wrong by myself. The things that I would use in order to project myself to the outside world. All the wrong things and they are all encouraged by Anna. Once I forget I'm the court, I loose focus of what's really important. Because time isn't important. But when I'm the ball, I want time to my friend but it becomes my enemy. Whenever I go to my happy place, nothing else is important, just living, breathing and being. Whether I'm lonely or not. Whether I'm busy or not. Whether I'm traveling or not. Whether I'm skinny or not. None of these things matter.
I start to think I'm my thoughts and in order to be my thoughts, I have to follow my thoughts through. I have to make them happen. If they don't happen, I worry. I worry then about the months to come. Worrying means fear of what might or might not happen. Fear means I'm trying to predict the future. This is impossible. I can't control it, by holding on to my thoughts and being driven by Anna and trying to make everything happen exactly the way I want it to. It's impossible. It's causing stress and pressure for no reason. The stress won't effect the outcome, it's going to happen one way or another.
By telling myself over and over again that I am not my worries, fears and thoughts, I'll know who it is I am and I'll be able to trust myself to know that where I am is the right place and what I'm doing is the right thing. If I continue to listen and to feel, then I'll know when the time is right and I'll know when I want to leave and not when I SHOULD leave. I'll know where I want to go and not where I SHOULD go. There's a huge difference. "Should" means "mus"t and "must" triggers visions of Anna standing above me with a whip, forcing me through life. That's not freedom, that sounds more like a prison. Being trapped inside my own body, just because thoughts possessed me and I therefore thought that was me.
I know that was wrong and I know what's right. I know I can get to that place again. I know how to get there. But if I tell myself it can only last for so long, then it WILL only last for so long. Because Anna will never to pleased and she'll forever try to get her claws into me. If I keep giving her strength by getting lost again and forgetting about my happy place, she has a hold on me and she doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over me. And she'll never have enough power and will never be happy..she won't be pleased if I'm eating, if I'm laughing, if I'm sleeping, if I'm resting, if I'm happy, if I'm caring for myself. I will never fully be doing the right thing by her and she'll continue to try and grip me with every ounce she has. She'll go to massive lengths to make me miserable in whatever way she can. And she'll continue to do so, until she's totally gone. If she has my thoughts, it strengthens her. Because Fay becomes trapped again. So I'm not going to let her control me by putting bad thoughts into my head. What's the point? She'll never have the control over me, the way she once had. So why tease her with a little the mind-games. It's pointless.
This was what Diann was talking to me about yesterday. It's only now that I can see, what Diann saw yesterday. I couldn't see it and maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I was just distraught and tired of being in my happy place and I thought I would get my freedom back by giving in to my fears. But that wasn't the case. It makes sense now and I can see how it all fits again.. Diann is a star...
A tennis-court can seem insignificant, when there isn't a game being played. What's the purpose of the court? The tennis-court is just there. It has no purpose, it just IS. There is no action, there is just quietness. As the court without a tennis-ball, I am without thoughts. That makes me become aware of my consciousness. It makes me aware that my thoughts are me and they don't possess me, they don't own me. Being aware of my thoughts and of myself, seeing them as separate, brings me to that quiet place. It's that place where all is well and good. A place where time isn't an issue. When the game isn't being played, or the thoughts aren't being thought, then there are no worries about the outcome and length of the game or there are no worries about the time, space and destination of my life.
Distancing myself from my thoughts and worries and becoming aware that I'm thinking means I can make the worrying stop. I can make the stress go away. I can let everything take the course it's meant to take and I can go to that happy place, inside. That's the only space, at this moment in time, where I can keep on going on the right track, in order to get through this. Once I leave this place, I seem to become the tennis-ball again. I start to see and identify myself as my thoughts. But this doesn't give me freedom, this doesn't give me the life I long for so much.
The thoughts that I've been having over the past week, take a grip and I become muddled, confused and focused on all the things that make me do wrong by myself. The things that I would use in order to project myself to the outside world. All the wrong things and they are all encouraged by Anna. Once I forget I'm the court, I loose focus of what's really important. Because time isn't important. But when I'm the ball, I want time to my friend but it becomes my enemy. Whenever I go to my happy place, nothing else is important, just living, breathing and being. Whether I'm lonely or not. Whether I'm busy or not. Whether I'm traveling or not. Whether I'm skinny or not. None of these things matter.
I start to think I'm my thoughts and in order to be my thoughts, I have to follow my thoughts through. I have to make them happen. If they don't happen, I worry. I worry then about the months to come. Worrying means fear of what might or might not happen. Fear means I'm trying to predict the future. This is impossible. I can't control it, by holding on to my thoughts and being driven by Anna and trying to make everything happen exactly the way I want it to. It's impossible. It's causing stress and pressure for no reason. The stress won't effect the outcome, it's going to happen one way or another.
By telling myself over and over again that I am not my worries, fears and thoughts, I'll know who it is I am and I'll be able to trust myself to know that where I am is the right place and what I'm doing is the right thing. If I continue to listen and to feel, then I'll know when the time is right and I'll know when I want to leave and not when I SHOULD leave. I'll know where I want to go and not where I SHOULD go. There's a huge difference. "Should" means "mus"t and "must" triggers visions of Anna standing above me with a whip, forcing me through life. That's not freedom, that sounds more like a prison. Being trapped inside my own body, just because thoughts possessed me and I therefore thought that was me.
I know that was wrong and I know what's right. I know I can get to that place again. I know how to get there. But if I tell myself it can only last for so long, then it WILL only last for so long. Because Anna will never to pleased and she'll forever try to get her claws into me. If I keep giving her strength by getting lost again and forgetting about my happy place, she has a hold on me and she doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over me. And she'll never have enough power and will never be happy..she won't be pleased if I'm eating, if I'm laughing, if I'm sleeping, if I'm resting, if I'm happy, if I'm caring for myself. I will never fully be doing the right thing by her and she'll continue to try and grip me with every ounce she has. She'll go to massive lengths to make me miserable in whatever way she can. And she'll continue to do so, until she's totally gone. If she has my thoughts, it strengthens her. Because Fay becomes trapped again. So I'm not going to let her control me by putting bad thoughts into my head. What's the point? She'll never have the control over me, the way she once had. So why tease her with a little the mind-games. It's pointless.
This was what Diann was talking to me about yesterday. It's only now that I can see, what Diann saw yesterday. I couldn't see it and maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I was just distraught and tired of being in my happy place and I thought I would get my freedom back by giving in to my fears. But that wasn't the case. It makes sense now and I can see how it all fits again.. Diann is a star...
Maximun Over-drive Part III
The thoughts started..
From Thursday onwards, I kept on thinking about how much I still had to do..before getting my life back on track..
I have to keep up this blog, I have to do more scrap-booking, I have sort out my journal and make a book on my travels, I have to sort out where I want to be, I have to decide if I'm going back to work or not, I have to decide if I'm going to keep my place back in Breda or not, I have put my name down for a course, I have to write a book, I have to start doing yoga again.. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I still have to do before I get better again, AND I have to be able to eat properly and feel fine about it, I have to start seeing the real me.. and then everyday I would wake up and ask myself.. Would I be able to go to work today? The answer is always: yes. This feeds Anna enormously.. because I'm feeling fine and Friday for the first time in months, I ran up the stairs so I'm better and I shouldn't be here. I'm just invading everyones space, using my family just to eat and I need to leave, I need my own space because I'm nearly 26 and haven't done anything with my life. Time is slipping away, and it's nearly Christmas and I told myself at the beginning of all this, that I was going to be better by Christmas, so that's 6 more weeks. I should be able to do that. I need to live again, because I'm doing nothing here. If I don't have a date in mind as to by when I want to get out of here, then everything will go all wrong, I'll get into trouble at work, I'll have to pay back all the money, I won't have any savings, I'll have to do things I don't want to do to get back on track, so I can travel again..cause that's all I really want to do....
wow..
That's only a part of it..all this keeps me from sleeping. I shouldn't need it, it's only to fill a few hours and not to rest, because all I'm doing day-in day-out is sitting around, so I shouldn't need 8 hours at night.
Yesterday I sat with Diann, spilling out everything, at high speed.. and I couldn't get my head around all these things I still have to do. It was awful. I thought I was doing so well. But I wasn't at all. It breaks my heart to do this to myself. I hate myself so much for it. I don't know why I do it. I push myself constantly. I'm doing it again, right now, and breaking down....spinning, tears, dizziness, headaches..
I couldn't shake the thoughts and I was just so confused. I felt so fine, so why have the passed two days been so awful? Why do I feel like a ****? I turned my back on everything last week. I didn't do the things I've been doing everyday, to keep myself going steady. I haven't been writing down, everything I've been eating. I haven't been taking a card from the deck each morning. I didn't feel the need to. I thought I was doing so strong without doing those things.
The pressure from the outside world just makes it so much harder for me to see that I'm not there yet. The only person who makes me see how things really are, is Diann. Whenever I'm having good days, this is projected by my mood. Everyone around me picks up on my good mood and they, unintentionally, pull me up into the real world, where things are happening and where they can witness me feeling good and feeling happy and getting stronger and enjoying food. It's reassuring for them to see. It gives them hope and I don't want to take that away from them. So I don't resist it, because it can feel fine for me and for them. But then I don't want to act as if I'm stronger or weaker than I am. I don't want to act as if I'm better or worse than I am. I don't want to act as if I'm happier or sadder than I am. But I don't think I'm pushing, because they accept me, with all the uneasiness and pain Anna can cause.
Without myself seeing where I am, Diann can see it and she brings me back to basics, which is what I need. Because if I ignore the basic issues that are going on, I'm getting ahead of myself and pressurizing myself and trying to get better when really I'm not. If I were to feel so strong and not go to see her anymore, I'd convince myself that I'm eating well and that I'm better when I actually wouldn't be totally recovered which would only make me prone to a relapse in the future.
I can't believe how much of kick in the teeth it was, again, to realize yesterday that I'm still not there yet. Once I had calmed down, we talked about how it was for Mam to have me here at home. This has also been an issue playing on my mind, but I was never able to deal with it because there was too much other **** going on, so I blocked it out. Mam knows that I feel I'm burdening them and that I feel I'm using them, just to get better and that I feel awful that I'll be leaving again after all that they've done for me. I know Mam wouldn't want me to be anywhere else in the world, other than here in Arklow, to get through this, I know.. even though I've always been independent, I couldn't get through this alone, and that's exactly how I'd be, if I were to be anywhere else and recovering from anorexia. I don't have kids, so I don't understand what it's like seeing your child go through something like this, but if it comes close to how awful it would be to see my Mam, my sisters or family going through something as destroying as this, then I could probably only try to imagine. Again, it's about unconditional love. You want that person who isn't well, as close as possible to you, just to see with your own eyes that everything will eventually be alright.
Mam said yesterday that she can see more and more sparks of Niamh coming back. She can see the light at the end of the tunnel..and Diann quickly added: "it's the CHANNEL tunnel..so a long one.." Mam said this and knows full well that it can hurt, but it needs to be said. Mam knows me better than anyone else, and she knows that I can take those remarks, maybe not straight away but once the remarks sink I can see that it's good. So she doesn't hold back and she doesn't feel bad and I'm grateful for that. It's a dose of reality that can drive me insane but that will also keep me sane at the same time. Mam, thankfully, knows not to feel guilty if she says the wrong thing because she knows it nothing personal on my behalf and nothing personal on her behalf.
Thinking I'm better when I'm not.. that's a true sign of still having a problem.. But I'm aware of it, that there still is a problem, and when I become unaware (like last week) then Diann puts me back in my place. I suppose it's like getting over any addiction. First of all you ignore that there's a problem, when everybody else can see it. Then you own up. Then you go to therapy, which makes a certain amount of time become a roller-coaster ride. It's the therapy that keeps everything fresh, it keeps the illness fresh, the causes of it fresh and the "medicine" fresh. If I'm to be honest, I've been thinking so much about when the time will come that I won't need weekly therapy anymore. That in itself has been causing pressure.
If I were to stop the therapy, it would be like an alcoholic convincing themselves there's no longer any need to go to AA meetings. They, for some reason, think they are recovered and that they can live their lives by themselves without anybody else's help. That's probably how I've been thinking as well, last week.
Another example..an alcoholic thinking they can have one drink without it becoming 2 and 3 and still be fine and stay strong. That would be like me, at this moment in time, thinking I could skip a meal, and keep it at that, without it becoming 2 meals or 3.. Just like an alcoholic..one drink becomes 2 and 3...
I don't where this has come from.. I suppose it keeps me focused, because at the end of the day, obsessive-compulsive behaviour expressed through either alcohol, drugs or food causing self-destruction needs therapy.. and as Diann said to me yesterday.. "Niamh, you'll know when it's time and you'll know when you're recovered, you'll recognize the feeling again of physically and mentally being able to concur the world and learning to trust yourself and your feelings will show you when the time is right..You can't predict what's going to happen and when it's going to happen and you have no control over how things will happen. This process it's STILL all about the here and now and right now, it's not the time for you to venture out in to the world, but you're alive, you're living, you're safe and you're here where you need to be.."
How muddled and confused can someone's head be.. I don't know, all I know is, I have to take a step back again..
From Thursday onwards, I kept on thinking about how much I still had to do..before getting my life back on track..
I have to keep up this blog, I have to do more scrap-booking, I have sort out my journal and make a book on my travels, I have to sort out where I want to be, I have to decide if I'm going back to work or not, I have to decide if I'm going to keep my place back in Breda or not, I have put my name down for a course, I have to write a book, I have to start doing yoga again.. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I still have to do before I get better again, AND I have to be able to eat properly and feel fine about it, I have to start seeing the real me.. and then everyday I would wake up and ask myself.. Would I be able to go to work today? The answer is always: yes. This feeds Anna enormously.. because I'm feeling fine and Friday for the first time in months, I ran up the stairs so I'm better and I shouldn't be here. I'm just invading everyones space, using my family just to eat and I need to leave, I need my own space because I'm nearly 26 and haven't done anything with my life. Time is slipping away, and it's nearly Christmas and I told myself at the beginning of all this, that I was going to be better by Christmas, so that's 6 more weeks. I should be able to do that. I need to live again, because I'm doing nothing here. If I don't have a date in mind as to by when I want to get out of here, then everything will go all wrong, I'll get into trouble at work, I'll have to pay back all the money, I won't have any savings, I'll have to do things I don't want to do to get back on track, so I can travel again..cause that's all I really want to do....
wow..
That's only a part of it..all this keeps me from sleeping. I shouldn't need it, it's only to fill a few hours and not to rest, because all I'm doing day-in day-out is sitting around, so I shouldn't need 8 hours at night.
Yesterday I sat with Diann, spilling out everything, at high speed.. and I couldn't get my head around all these things I still have to do. It was awful. I thought I was doing so well. But I wasn't at all. It breaks my heart to do this to myself. I hate myself so much for it. I don't know why I do it. I push myself constantly. I'm doing it again, right now, and breaking down....spinning, tears, dizziness, headaches..
I couldn't shake the thoughts and I was just so confused. I felt so fine, so why have the passed two days been so awful? Why do I feel like a ****? I turned my back on everything last week. I didn't do the things I've been doing everyday, to keep myself going steady. I haven't been writing down, everything I've been eating. I haven't been taking a card from the deck each morning. I didn't feel the need to. I thought I was doing so strong without doing those things.
The pressure from the outside world just makes it so much harder for me to see that I'm not there yet. The only person who makes me see how things really are, is Diann. Whenever I'm having good days, this is projected by my mood. Everyone around me picks up on my good mood and they, unintentionally, pull me up into the real world, where things are happening and where they can witness me feeling good and feeling happy and getting stronger and enjoying food. It's reassuring for them to see. It gives them hope and I don't want to take that away from them. So I don't resist it, because it can feel fine for me and for them. But then I don't want to act as if I'm stronger or weaker than I am. I don't want to act as if I'm better or worse than I am. I don't want to act as if I'm happier or sadder than I am. But I don't think I'm pushing, because they accept me, with all the uneasiness and pain Anna can cause.
Without myself seeing where I am, Diann can see it and she brings me back to basics, which is what I need. Because if I ignore the basic issues that are going on, I'm getting ahead of myself and pressurizing myself and trying to get better when really I'm not. If I were to feel so strong and not go to see her anymore, I'd convince myself that I'm eating well and that I'm better when I actually wouldn't be totally recovered which would only make me prone to a relapse in the future.
I can't believe how much of kick in the teeth it was, again, to realize yesterday that I'm still not there yet. Once I had calmed down, we talked about how it was for Mam to have me here at home. This has also been an issue playing on my mind, but I was never able to deal with it because there was too much other **** going on, so I blocked it out. Mam knows that I feel I'm burdening them and that I feel I'm using them, just to get better and that I feel awful that I'll be leaving again after all that they've done for me. I know Mam wouldn't want me to be anywhere else in the world, other than here in Arklow, to get through this, I know.. even though I've always been independent, I couldn't get through this alone, and that's exactly how I'd be, if I were to be anywhere else and recovering from anorexia. I don't have kids, so I don't understand what it's like seeing your child go through something like this, but if it comes close to how awful it would be to see my Mam, my sisters or family going through something as destroying as this, then I could probably only try to imagine. Again, it's about unconditional love. You want that person who isn't well, as close as possible to you, just to see with your own eyes that everything will eventually be alright.
Mam said yesterday that she can see more and more sparks of Niamh coming back. She can see the light at the end of the tunnel..and Diann quickly added: "it's the CHANNEL tunnel..so a long one.." Mam said this and knows full well that it can hurt, but it needs to be said. Mam knows me better than anyone else, and she knows that I can take those remarks, maybe not straight away but once the remarks sink I can see that it's good. So she doesn't hold back and she doesn't feel bad and I'm grateful for that. It's a dose of reality that can drive me insane but that will also keep me sane at the same time. Mam, thankfully, knows not to feel guilty if she says the wrong thing because she knows it nothing personal on my behalf and nothing personal on her behalf.
Thinking I'm better when I'm not.. that's a true sign of still having a problem.. But I'm aware of it, that there still is a problem, and when I become unaware (like last week) then Diann puts me back in my place. I suppose it's like getting over any addiction. First of all you ignore that there's a problem, when everybody else can see it. Then you own up. Then you go to therapy, which makes a certain amount of time become a roller-coaster ride. It's the therapy that keeps everything fresh, it keeps the illness fresh, the causes of it fresh and the "medicine" fresh. If I'm to be honest, I've been thinking so much about when the time will come that I won't need weekly therapy anymore. That in itself has been causing pressure.
If I were to stop the therapy, it would be like an alcoholic convincing themselves there's no longer any need to go to AA meetings. They, for some reason, think they are recovered and that they can live their lives by themselves without anybody else's help. That's probably how I've been thinking as well, last week.
Another example..an alcoholic thinking they can have one drink without it becoming 2 and 3 and still be fine and stay strong. That would be like me, at this moment in time, thinking I could skip a meal, and keep it at that, without it becoming 2 meals or 3.. Just like an alcoholic..one drink becomes 2 and 3...
I don't where this has come from.. I suppose it keeps me focused, because at the end of the day, obsessive-compulsive behaviour expressed through either alcohol, drugs or food causing self-destruction needs therapy.. and as Diann said to me yesterday.. "Niamh, you'll know when it's time and you'll know when you're recovered, you'll recognize the feeling again of physically and mentally being able to concur the world and learning to trust yourself and your feelings will show you when the time is right..You can't predict what's going to happen and when it's going to happen and you have no control over how things will happen. This process it's STILL all about the here and now and right now, it's not the time for you to venture out in to the world, but you're alive, you're living, you're safe and you're here where you need to be.."
How muddled and confused can someone's head be.. I don't know, all I know is, I have to take a step back again..
Maximum Over-drive Part II
...O, this is so so difficult and I hate it so much. The whole week, all I did was keep busy. But I thought I was doing so well. The rest of Wednesday I rested.
Thursday I went shopping with Mam and was out and about for 2 or 3 hours, I came back, thought I was doing good, but broke down and cried for an hour or so and felt nauseous, heartbroken and felt I was never going to be able to do anything without feeling so yuck. But if I kept on doing nothing, I was never going to get better..or so Mr. Acupuncturist told me (not in so many words, but I reckon that's what he wanted me to believe). My mood was good, but I was distraught. Friday, all I wanted to do, was recover from my little outing on Thursday, so I was in bed all afternoon, reading and resting. I felt fine and not at all guilty, because I was going to the movies on Friday night. So I would still have done something active and some resting.. best of both worlds.
Saturday was total different level of activeness. I haven't had a day like that in ages. It was going to a easy day, or so I told myself when I woke up. I was trying to figure out if I was feeling energized and full of beans or not. But I didn't know if I was or if I was just pushing myself too far. It didn't help that I was sick to death of thinking about food either. I had to get out and about and I did. It turned out to be a day full of "excitement"...
First of all, I got a text from Sandra that her Ma and Da are coming over from Oz this week, which means we'll be seeing them when we go over to Holland in 2 weeks time. That was sooo cool. I was so excited. Then I spontaneously went down town and popped into Julie (Mam's dear friend) and chatted for quite a while. It was so nice, to be able to do that, without feeling guilty or tired. I wanted to have a chat and I was feeling fine about it. I ended up being out for longer than planned.
It was still Saturday morning and I had also owned up to Mam, that I wanted to colour my hair.. Something I haven't done for over 6 months. This is a sure sign of Niamh nearly being better..I knew exactly what Mam was thinking..or maybe it was just me thinking that. Saying outloud that I want to do something regarding my appearance, was HUGE.. It may sound like the smallest thing, but to me it was far from it. I shouldn't be allowed to care about how I look. Because wanting to look good, is bad for Anna and good for Fay and that's why I haven't been able to say it for so many months.
I had taken the plunge and bought a colour for my hair. It was only 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. and the amount of positiveness and goodness going on around me and inside me, was nearly too much to bare. I was exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the sofa and again, felt sickly. I was waiting for all the energy to kick in again. I thought it did, by dinnertime and then the phone went.. It was my uncle Thomas from America on the phone.. Well, I hadn't spoken to him for years and years.. Mam wasn't home, so I ended up chatting to him for ages. It was great and funny and I was feeling fine.. no guilt and all was well in my little world revolving around the kitchen table. While I was still chatting and laughing on the phone to Thomas, one of Eileen's friends came to the door to pick something up and said to me: "Niamh, you're looking so great, you really are, I meant to say it to you last night". She added that another of Eileen's friends had said the same. I thanked her, and genuinely meant it.. and I was still chatting happily to Thomas. I got off the phone and was ready to collapse. But I didn't, because I had to keep on pushing the barrier, as Mr. Acupuncturist told me..
To most of you, this isn't really a big day. It would probably sound like a nice, chilled out Saturday afternoon. Well, to me, it was the biggest day I've had in ages. Once I sat down, after dinner, I was feeling nauseous again, from being so active. I never feel sick when I'm actually doing things, but it's not until I sit down that it hits me.
Sunday I had to chill. The only thing I did was go for my first 10 minute walk around the block and did no more.. or actually I did.. I wouldn't let myself sit down and rest. I had to stay active, and use the buzz I had. But, come to think of it, I don't know if I actually had a buzz inside. So I was probably doing everything for the wrong reasons. I told myself that it wasn't Anna who was driving me all day, but it was Fay, because I was feeling good. But looking back, I'm not too sure. Maybe I did want to do it all and feel excitement about everything, but my body doesn't seem to be coping too well with this inner drive I've got.
Yesterday as I sat, I didn't even tell Diann half of what went on. She knew and said instantly that she could see it was Anna that was at work. She said if I push myself, to the point of only stopping because I'm feeling sick, then I'm overdoing it and I'm not ready for the world. It's too much. She said she doesn't care what other people say and that she believes I burnt out ever cell in my body, energy-wise and the beans I feel on the inside, need to refuel my organs and every fiber in my body, before I'm able to deal with daily activeness. It's not instant and just because I've felt good for 2 weeks running and have felt nice and bubbling inside, doesn't mean that I'm ready to concur the world. I'm not there..not by a long shot. These were Diann's words. All I did was cry and think about how much I still have to do the next few months.. Then the worries and thoughts started to spill...
Thursday I went shopping with Mam and was out and about for 2 or 3 hours, I came back, thought I was doing good, but broke down and cried for an hour or so and felt nauseous, heartbroken and felt I was never going to be able to do anything without feeling so yuck. But if I kept on doing nothing, I was never going to get better..or so Mr. Acupuncturist told me (not in so many words, but I reckon that's what he wanted me to believe). My mood was good, but I was distraught. Friday, all I wanted to do, was recover from my little outing on Thursday, so I was in bed all afternoon, reading and resting. I felt fine and not at all guilty, because I was going to the movies on Friday night. So I would still have done something active and some resting.. best of both worlds.
Saturday was total different level of activeness. I haven't had a day like that in ages. It was going to a easy day, or so I told myself when I woke up. I was trying to figure out if I was feeling energized and full of beans or not. But I didn't know if I was or if I was just pushing myself too far. It didn't help that I was sick to death of thinking about food either. I had to get out and about and I did. It turned out to be a day full of "excitement"...
First of all, I got a text from Sandra that her Ma and Da are coming over from Oz this week, which means we'll be seeing them when we go over to Holland in 2 weeks time. That was sooo cool. I was so excited. Then I spontaneously went down town and popped into Julie (Mam's dear friend) and chatted for quite a while. It was so nice, to be able to do that, without feeling guilty or tired. I wanted to have a chat and I was feeling fine about it. I ended up being out for longer than planned.
It was still Saturday morning and I had also owned up to Mam, that I wanted to colour my hair.. Something I haven't done for over 6 months. This is a sure sign of Niamh nearly being better..I knew exactly what Mam was thinking..or maybe it was just me thinking that. Saying outloud that I want to do something regarding my appearance, was HUGE.. It may sound like the smallest thing, but to me it was far from it. I shouldn't be allowed to care about how I look. Because wanting to look good, is bad for Anna and good for Fay and that's why I haven't been able to say it for so many months.
I had taken the plunge and bought a colour for my hair. It was only 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. and the amount of positiveness and goodness going on around me and inside me, was nearly too much to bare. I was exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the sofa and again, felt sickly. I was waiting for all the energy to kick in again. I thought it did, by dinnertime and then the phone went.. It was my uncle Thomas from America on the phone.. Well, I hadn't spoken to him for years and years.. Mam wasn't home, so I ended up chatting to him for ages. It was great and funny and I was feeling fine.. no guilt and all was well in my little world revolving around the kitchen table. While I was still chatting and laughing on the phone to Thomas, one of Eileen's friends came to the door to pick something up and said to me: "Niamh, you're looking so great, you really are, I meant to say it to you last night". She added that another of Eileen's friends had said the same. I thanked her, and genuinely meant it.. and I was still chatting happily to Thomas. I got off the phone and was ready to collapse. But I didn't, because I had to keep on pushing the barrier, as Mr. Acupuncturist told me..
To most of you, this isn't really a big day. It would probably sound like a nice, chilled out Saturday afternoon. Well, to me, it was the biggest day I've had in ages. Once I sat down, after dinner, I was feeling nauseous again, from being so active. I never feel sick when I'm actually doing things, but it's not until I sit down that it hits me.
Sunday I had to chill. The only thing I did was go for my first 10 minute walk around the block and did no more.. or actually I did.. I wouldn't let myself sit down and rest. I had to stay active, and use the buzz I had. But, come to think of it, I don't know if I actually had a buzz inside. So I was probably doing everything for the wrong reasons. I told myself that it wasn't Anna who was driving me all day, but it was Fay, because I was feeling good. But looking back, I'm not too sure. Maybe I did want to do it all and feel excitement about everything, but my body doesn't seem to be coping too well with this inner drive I've got.
Yesterday as I sat, I didn't even tell Diann half of what went on. She knew and said instantly that she could see it was Anna that was at work. She said if I push myself, to the point of only stopping because I'm feeling sick, then I'm overdoing it and I'm not ready for the world. It's too much. She said she doesn't care what other people say and that she believes I burnt out ever cell in my body, energy-wise and the beans I feel on the inside, need to refuel my organs and every fiber in my body, before I'm able to deal with daily activeness. It's not instant and just because I've felt good for 2 weeks running and have felt nice and bubbling inside, doesn't mean that I'm ready to concur the world. I'm not there..not by a long shot. These were Diann's words. All I did was cry and think about how much I still have to do the next few months.. Then the worries and thoughts started to spill...
Maximun Over-drive Part I
Tuesday, my day. The one I look forward to the most. The start of a new week and a chance to be alone.. just me, the computer and my thoughts.
My session with Diann yesterday, was one that I needed badly. I didn't even realize it. I didn't feel the build up, I didn't think about it during the week. I even got to a point that I had convinced myself I didn't need anymore therapy. I thought it was going to be a wasted journey, going to see Diann, a waste of money and a waste of time. Sure, I was doing so well, and I was feeling so fine.. so I was cured.. wasn't I? How wrong could I have been.
This week was the hardest I've had, in a while. I say that now, but it probably wasn't at all. It probably just feels so bad, because 2 and 3 weeks ago I was doing brilliant. A week ago, I was on such a high and so overwhelmed by feeling so great inside, so clear, so happy, and so energized. Diann said to me weeks ago, that she was worried that once my energy does start to come back, it will take me such a surprise that I'll be blown away. That's kind of what's been happening over the course of the last week and yesterday, as I sat with Diann it all came to a head.
Even thinking back on it all, is giving me a spontaneous headache and dizziness. Last night it was the same, as I lay in bed, I felt so much pressure. I had totally over done it. In every which way possible.
I'd better start at the beginning, or else I won't be able to make any sense of anything. I need to clear it all up.
Last Tuesday I started the day by writing and I was still extremely high on life, loving every little thing and loving the feeling of clarity that had been an ongoing for days, at that point. But I had said a few times, to Diann and on my blog.. "it's all too good to be true". This was setting myself up for a break-down. Telling myself that it isn't all true and that I'm living in a fantasy world, means I'll never let that great feeling last, because I've convinced myself it isn't real.
That was Anna talking..She was still gripping on to me, trying her best to control me, anyway she can.
I knew on Tuesday morning, after all the writing, that it would break me down. And it did. 2 remarks, from Eileen and Mam, in the space of an hour, broke me down. I was back in bed at 4 in the afternoon and I don't remember getting up again, only to eat. At 4 o'clock the day only half way over.. I still had so many hours to go, but I didn't want to get through them. I wanted the day to end, but there were too many hours to kill. I wanted to start a fresh, because that day in particular had been ruined. I was so angry with them both. But Anna wouldn't let me speak my mind. I wasn't allowed to say to Mam what I thought of what she said. And I wouldn't even dream of saying to Eileen that I resented her for the remark she made, even if Anna would have let me.
The remarks that were made, weren't really that bad. But they insinuated that they think I'm doing better than I am. It was proof enough to me, on this awful awful Tuesday, that everyone thinks I'm better, when I'm not. Eileen hasn't been "tuned-in" to the steps I've been going through, whilst fighting Anna. She takes it as it comes, doesn't judge me and lets me be in whatever mood I'm in. She knows not to ask me how I'm feeling or to talk about future plans. Because I can't. Tuesday she asked me if I had to eat anything extra this week. I tried to explain that I'm eating whatever and whenever I like, preferably as often as I can. But I couldn't explain it, for it make any sense to her. So I ended up saying: "I'm allowed to eat anything I like". Well, to anybody, wouldn't that sound like I'm cured and healthy and I should be leaving soon and working and going back to Holland or traveling or whatever it is I should be doing. But there was this huge barrier that took a stand the moment she asked if I'm eating anything extra this week. I felt awful instantly. Not only because I couldn't explain it properly, but also because of not explaining it, she must think I'm better. But I'm not, and it isn't as simple as that. It was like getting a punch in the face. Poor Eileen, didn't know what was going on inside, when she asked. I just had to block it all out and didn't make a big deal, but on the inside I wasn't a happy chappy..
Then Mam came home, telling me in the most happiest way possible, that the doctor wanted Diann's number.. because a girl had come into the surgery with an eating disorder. Mam said it as though I was supposed to be happy about it and that I was able to deal with hearing about other girls' pain and heartache. This was proof to me, again, that Mam thought I was stronger and more positive than I actually was and therefore..nearly back to full health and should be getting my life back again.. This comment was like another slap in the mouth. I didn't feel compassion for the girl who went in to the doctor. All I felt was envious. I wanted to be back in the same position as she was. I wanted to be skinny like I was back in June. I wanted it sooo badly and I didn't want to be making anymore progress. I wanted to do damage..
These 2 remarks, put me to bed and I was miserable. Cried and cried. I didn't stop eating though. No matter how strongly I felt about wanting to be a proper anorexic, I had to eat. That took every ounce of strength for me to do. But I did it and felt awful whilst doing it. I was proper doom and gloom the rest of the night. Spent it in bed, wishing the hours away. Being around anybody just made me feel even worse, because I became more aware of the grip Anna had on me and the control she had over my mood when I really didn't want her to. But I couldn't help it. Being around anybody would just make me even more upset and more down. It was awful. I had so much anger and had no way of getting rid of it.
Instead I bottled it all up. The next morning, Wednesday, I still wasn't the chirpiest. Started the day, as I had ended the previous one: in tears. I went to acupuncture and that released some of the stress I was feeling. But it didn't help when he started pushing me into being more active, whenever I feel good on the inside. This just made me more driven to get back on top of things. It wrecked with my head. But the anger from Tuesday evening had gone.. or so I thought.
I bottled it up, and yesterday it was the first thing that made me breakdown, when I was with Diann. Those 2 remarks.. But they weren't intentional. Nobody meant to hurt me. The people around me deal with what I'm going through in their own way. I'm dealing with it myself, in my own way. I have to learn to accept that is as they are and make peace with it, because I'm the only it effects by taking other peoples' way of dealing with things, on board. It effects nobody else. I take it to heart, when really I shouldn't. Accepting things as they are, without trying to change them, will make it all so much easier for myself. I shouldn't make other people's issues, my own. If I accept, I instantly make peace with it and that gives me space to see things as they really are... or so Diann says. I know what she means and that's what I've been trying to do for months and months, but because it was such an issue for me, it was sooner or later going to overload...
To be continued...
My session with Diann yesterday, was one that I needed badly. I didn't even realize it. I didn't feel the build up, I didn't think about it during the week. I even got to a point that I had convinced myself I didn't need anymore therapy. I thought it was going to be a wasted journey, going to see Diann, a waste of money and a waste of time. Sure, I was doing so well, and I was feeling so fine.. so I was cured.. wasn't I? How wrong could I have been.
This week was the hardest I've had, in a while. I say that now, but it probably wasn't at all. It probably just feels so bad, because 2 and 3 weeks ago I was doing brilliant. A week ago, I was on such a high and so overwhelmed by feeling so great inside, so clear, so happy, and so energized. Diann said to me weeks ago, that she was worried that once my energy does start to come back, it will take me such a surprise that I'll be blown away. That's kind of what's been happening over the course of the last week and yesterday, as I sat with Diann it all came to a head.
Even thinking back on it all, is giving me a spontaneous headache and dizziness. Last night it was the same, as I lay in bed, I felt so much pressure. I had totally over done it. In every which way possible.
I'd better start at the beginning, or else I won't be able to make any sense of anything. I need to clear it all up.
Last Tuesday I started the day by writing and I was still extremely high on life, loving every little thing and loving the feeling of clarity that had been an ongoing for days, at that point. But I had said a few times, to Diann and on my blog.. "it's all too good to be true". This was setting myself up for a break-down. Telling myself that it isn't all true and that I'm living in a fantasy world, means I'll never let that great feeling last, because I've convinced myself it isn't real.
That was Anna talking..She was still gripping on to me, trying her best to control me, anyway she can.
I knew on Tuesday morning, after all the writing, that it would break me down. And it did. 2 remarks, from Eileen and Mam, in the space of an hour, broke me down. I was back in bed at 4 in the afternoon and I don't remember getting up again, only to eat. At 4 o'clock the day only half way over.. I still had so many hours to go, but I didn't want to get through them. I wanted the day to end, but there were too many hours to kill. I wanted to start a fresh, because that day in particular had been ruined. I was so angry with them both. But Anna wouldn't let me speak my mind. I wasn't allowed to say to Mam what I thought of what she said. And I wouldn't even dream of saying to Eileen that I resented her for the remark she made, even if Anna would have let me.
The remarks that were made, weren't really that bad. But they insinuated that they think I'm doing better than I am. It was proof enough to me, on this awful awful Tuesday, that everyone thinks I'm better, when I'm not. Eileen hasn't been "tuned-in" to the steps I've been going through, whilst fighting Anna. She takes it as it comes, doesn't judge me and lets me be in whatever mood I'm in. She knows not to ask me how I'm feeling or to talk about future plans. Because I can't. Tuesday she asked me if I had to eat anything extra this week. I tried to explain that I'm eating whatever and whenever I like, preferably as often as I can. But I couldn't explain it, for it make any sense to her. So I ended up saying: "I'm allowed to eat anything I like". Well, to anybody, wouldn't that sound like I'm cured and healthy and I should be leaving soon and working and going back to Holland or traveling or whatever it is I should be doing. But there was this huge barrier that took a stand the moment she asked if I'm eating anything extra this week. I felt awful instantly. Not only because I couldn't explain it properly, but also because of not explaining it, she must think I'm better. But I'm not, and it isn't as simple as that. It was like getting a punch in the face. Poor Eileen, didn't know what was going on inside, when she asked. I just had to block it all out and didn't make a big deal, but on the inside I wasn't a happy chappy..
Then Mam came home, telling me in the most happiest way possible, that the doctor wanted Diann's number.. because a girl had come into the surgery with an eating disorder. Mam said it as though I was supposed to be happy about it and that I was able to deal with hearing about other girls' pain and heartache. This was proof to me, again, that Mam thought I was stronger and more positive than I actually was and therefore..nearly back to full health and should be getting my life back again.. This comment was like another slap in the mouth. I didn't feel compassion for the girl who went in to the doctor. All I felt was envious. I wanted to be back in the same position as she was. I wanted to be skinny like I was back in June. I wanted it sooo badly and I didn't want to be making anymore progress. I wanted to do damage..
These 2 remarks, put me to bed and I was miserable. Cried and cried. I didn't stop eating though. No matter how strongly I felt about wanting to be a proper anorexic, I had to eat. That took every ounce of strength for me to do. But I did it and felt awful whilst doing it. I was proper doom and gloom the rest of the night. Spent it in bed, wishing the hours away. Being around anybody just made me feel even worse, because I became more aware of the grip Anna had on me and the control she had over my mood when I really didn't want her to. But I couldn't help it. Being around anybody would just make me even more upset and more down. It was awful. I had so much anger and had no way of getting rid of it.
Instead I bottled it all up. The next morning, Wednesday, I still wasn't the chirpiest. Started the day, as I had ended the previous one: in tears. I went to acupuncture and that released some of the stress I was feeling. But it didn't help when he started pushing me into being more active, whenever I feel good on the inside. This just made me more driven to get back on top of things. It wrecked with my head. But the anger from Tuesday evening had gone.. or so I thought.
I bottled it up, and yesterday it was the first thing that made me breakdown, when I was with Diann. Those 2 remarks.. But they weren't intentional. Nobody meant to hurt me. The people around me deal with what I'm going through in their own way. I'm dealing with it myself, in my own way. I have to learn to accept that is as they are and make peace with it, because I'm the only it effects by taking other peoples' way of dealing with things, on board. It effects nobody else. I take it to heart, when really I shouldn't. Accepting things as they are, without trying to change them, will make it all so much easier for myself. I shouldn't make other people's issues, my own. If I accept, I instantly make peace with it and that gives me space to see things as they really are... or so Diann says. I know what she means and that's what I've been trying to do for months and months, but because it was such an issue for me, it was sooner or later going to overload...
To be continued...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Strolling awarenees
It's Sunday evening, or nearly. It's only 04.30, but it's getting dark already. I've had a few big days, with some massive steps..or so it feels anyway.
A half an hour ago, I put on my runners and I went for a walk. I finally took the plunge and did it. I was told to push the boundaries, and take an extra step when I'm feeling up to it. I told myself when I woke up this morning, that today would be a chill-out day, because the last 3 or 4 days I feel like I've been constantly pushing myself further and further. But the walk was a spontaneous decision and it was only short, just around the block. I probably wasn't gone for more than 15 minutes. It was fine and nice to just walk without a purpose. Nice to be pushing myself, but not overdoing it at the same time. I strolled and took it easy.
I make it sound like I haven't walked for years and like it's a huge step. Of course I've been walking, but over the past 3 or 4 months I've only been able and allowed to walk to the car, then from the car to the shops and around the shops and back to the car again. I would never see the walking as an activity in itself, but just "a means to an end"..it gets me to where I need to be and to get me doing things, instead of being cooped-up in the house, 24 hours a day.
Today however, going for that walk, to actually WALK was a total different approach and it even felt different too. I wasn't walking to burn calories and or to get somewhere. But I was walking to feel something. To feel how strong my legs are getting and to feel if they still get as tired after the slightest activeness. I was walking to refuel. I was walking for the good of my health. I was walking for the walking to be an activity in itself.
I felt so different today when I compare it to 5 months ago, when I walking to be active. Back then, I walked to feel the numb-feeling. I wanted the walking to make my stomach rumble and I wanted to feel the spasms in my gut that proved to me that I was damaging myself and that my stomach was shrinking. I wanted to feel that feeling I would always get of not being totally on this planet. The walking and not eating stimulated this feeling. The more numb I felt, the more I wanted to walk to make sure that feeling would never go away. Many a times I would be so "out-of-it" that I nearly got myself knocked down by passing traffic in the process, but that was fine, and I didn't flinch. I didn't get a fright followed by that familiar hot sensation of adrenaline that everyone has now and then whenever they have a close escape. I was walking and I was invincible. I wasn't here, I wasn't on this planet, I was in a place without a name and I didn't care. As long as my stomach continued to shrink and my back continued to crumble.. That was all that mattered.
Today, however, it was a total different experience. I wanted to feel everything good, while I was walking. I wanted to feel strong, for taking it easy. I didn't want to think about calories. I just thought about how different a short walk can be, when feeling that I can name the place I'm in and knowing that I'm here. I wasn't floating and I wasn't sore. My back felt so stable and strong even though my legs were still weak. But I wasn't invincible. I was a person, just going for a stroll, for my health and to get better. I could feel the food in the my stomach, as I had just eaten a toasted sandwich with smoked salmon (delicious by the way), and I felt the food wobbling and it was heavy. That wasn't nice, but I told myself that it's a sign there's literally life inside of me.
I could feel the clouds hanging so low, that it's not entirely raining, but not dry either. I could smell the fresh air. I didn't hang my head in shame, like I did the last time I set out for a walk, 4 months ago because I was so conscious and ashamed of how I looked and I was so scared of what people might be thinking of me. But today I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't look like Anna was in my life. Nobody would judge me for it, because nobody would know and that's fine. As long as I know what's going on, what I need to do and what I'm feeling as I walk around the estate, then that's fine. It's nobody else's business or concern. Only mine.
I was happy to have taken the plunge and I was also happy that I was back home again. It was only a 10 minute walk. Short enough to make me realize how nice it can be to just stroll and long enough to make me realize that my strength isn't totally there yet. But it being too short or too long, that isn't the issue, the issue is that those 10 minutes showed me that the beginning as well as the end are getting that little bit closer.
A half an hour ago, I put on my runners and I went for a walk. I finally took the plunge and did it. I was told to push the boundaries, and take an extra step when I'm feeling up to it. I told myself when I woke up this morning, that today would be a chill-out day, because the last 3 or 4 days I feel like I've been constantly pushing myself further and further. But the walk was a spontaneous decision and it was only short, just around the block. I probably wasn't gone for more than 15 minutes. It was fine and nice to just walk without a purpose. Nice to be pushing myself, but not overdoing it at the same time. I strolled and took it easy.
I make it sound like I haven't walked for years and like it's a huge step. Of course I've been walking, but over the past 3 or 4 months I've only been able and allowed to walk to the car, then from the car to the shops and around the shops and back to the car again. I would never see the walking as an activity in itself, but just "a means to an end"..it gets me to where I need to be and to get me doing things, instead of being cooped-up in the house, 24 hours a day.
Today however, going for that walk, to actually WALK was a total different approach and it even felt different too. I wasn't walking to burn calories and or to get somewhere. But I was walking to feel something. To feel how strong my legs are getting and to feel if they still get as tired after the slightest activeness. I was walking to refuel. I was walking for the good of my health. I was walking for the walking to be an activity in itself.
I felt so different today when I compare it to 5 months ago, when I walking to be active. Back then, I walked to feel the numb-feeling. I wanted the walking to make my stomach rumble and I wanted to feel the spasms in my gut that proved to me that I was damaging myself and that my stomach was shrinking. I wanted to feel that feeling I would always get of not being totally on this planet. The walking and not eating stimulated this feeling. The more numb I felt, the more I wanted to walk to make sure that feeling would never go away. Many a times I would be so "out-of-it" that I nearly got myself knocked down by passing traffic in the process, but that was fine, and I didn't flinch. I didn't get a fright followed by that familiar hot sensation of adrenaline that everyone has now and then whenever they have a close escape. I was walking and I was invincible. I wasn't here, I wasn't on this planet, I was in a place without a name and I didn't care. As long as my stomach continued to shrink and my back continued to crumble.. That was all that mattered.
Today, however, it was a total different experience. I wanted to feel everything good, while I was walking. I wanted to feel strong, for taking it easy. I didn't want to think about calories. I just thought about how different a short walk can be, when feeling that I can name the place I'm in and knowing that I'm here. I wasn't floating and I wasn't sore. My back felt so stable and strong even though my legs were still weak. But I wasn't invincible. I was a person, just going for a stroll, for my health and to get better. I could feel the food in the my stomach, as I had just eaten a toasted sandwich with smoked salmon (delicious by the way), and I felt the food wobbling and it was heavy. That wasn't nice, but I told myself that it's a sign there's literally life inside of me.
I could feel the clouds hanging so low, that it's not entirely raining, but not dry either. I could smell the fresh air. I didn't hang my head in shame, like I did the last time I set out for a walk, 4 months ago because I was so conscious and ashamed of how I looked and I was so scared of what people might be thinking of me. But today I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't look like Anna was in my life. Nobody would judge me for it, because nobody would know and that's fine. As long as I know what's going on, what I need to do and what I'm feeling as I walk around the estate, then that's fine. It's nobody else's business or concern. Only mine.
I was happy to have taken the plunge and I was also happy that I was back home again. It was only a 10 minute walk. Short enough to make me realize how nice it can be to just stroll and long enough to make me realize that my strength isn't totally there yet. But it being too short or too long, that isn't the issue, the issue is that those 10 minutes showed me that the beginning as well as the end are getting that little bit closer.
Not just a doll
She sits by the bed, always guiding
As well as protecting, looking, pushing and minding
Without knowing what she really means
I actually knew all along, or so it seems
Already thinking the right things, before I knew why
Tells me my guide always knew I could fly
Not predicting but sensing everything is positive
Getting me there, has always been her prerogative
She sits, she's quiet she's humble and sweet
I hug her and tell her I'm so happy to meet
A symbol of myself, once so small and frail
Someone who has never judged me, even if I fail
She was always there, but not within vision
I never knew that ignoring her would cause a collision
Nourishing her, is showing me the way
She'll never again leave my side, come what may
She's there, she's proud, and oh so strong
And knows that with me is where she'll always belong
Trusting her knowledge and learning to hear
Because the answer is there, it's louder than the fear
I take her in my arms and embrace her fully
Never to mistreat her, as I'm not a bully
She was given a gift, to force where needs be
My doll, my Fay, my intuition, it's all me...
As well as protecting, looking, pushing and minding
Without knowing what she really means
I actually knew all along, or so it seems
Already thinking the right things, before I knew why
Tells me my guide always knew I could fly
Not predicting but sensing everything is positive
Getting me there, has always been her prerogative
She sits, she's quiet she's humble and sweet
I hug her and tell her I'm so happy to meet
A symbol of myself, once so small and frail
Someone who has never judged me, even if I fail
She was always there, but not within vision
I never knew that ignoring her would cause a collision
Nourishing her, is showing me the way
She'll never again leave my side, come what may
She's there, she's proud, and oh so strong
And knows that with me is where she'll always belong
Trusting her knowledge and learning to hear
Because the answer is there, it's louder than the fear
I take her in my arms and embrace her fully
Never to mistreat her, as I'm not a bully
She was given a gift, to force where needs be
My doll, my Fay, my intuition, it's all me...
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