Analyzing Envy 2

I've an example of what can be done, with feelings of envy or how they can be beneficial..
Once upon a time.. A no, it's not a fairytale ;)
Anyhow, back on track. Months ago, I felt so resentful towards Eileen. She was planning on traveling and leaving Ireland. That made me so angry that sometimes I couldn't bring myself to look at her. And then it made me feel so bad, that I couldn't be happy for her instead of resenting her. The envy totally took over me. I gave into it and saw myself as a bad person for feeling like this towards her. She was doing the things that I wanted and needed in life. Back then, I didn't see that traveling was going to happen anytime soon, so that made it worse. I couldn't make plans and I felt like she was doing all the things I was meant to be doing. I didn't have the energy to argue with her and I couldn't express anger either, so I blanked her for a few days instead. This was so unfair of me.

Now though I can see why it was happening. Yes, I knew back then why it was happening, but it's so much clearer now. The moment I felt envy, I knew why. But I couldn't do anything with it, I couldn't plan and I couldn't travel back then. So I should have just accepted it. After a few days, I did, but I for many weeks I couldn't bare to hear about her plans. When this issue first arose, there was no solution and I only created a problem towards her, when really it was nothing to do with her. It was me, missing travels and it was only her being able to do it, that made me angry. I took it out on her, by ignoring her. It made me feel awful though. And Diann would tell me, that it's just an emotion and it doesn't make me a bad person. But I know different now.

This experience I had, being envious towards Eileen, was such a learning curve. Once I'd accepted it, I was able to take something so valuable away from that situation. Hearing her words and listening to her plans, made me truly ask myself, why is it making me feel so bad? Why is it such a big problem? Why is it effecting me this way? Why is my heart being broken, just by her words? As soon as I asked myself these questions, the answers came naturally. If I'm nearing break-down from such envy and resentment, then there's no doubt in my mind, that travel is all is need to do. And that's when I made the decision to break away from Holland and to definitely travel, for as long as possible and as far as I want. I'm sounding like a broken record and everyone knows by now, that travel was always what I wanted and I knew I would eventually be able to leave Arklow, but this "episode" just confirmed my desire. And it was going to be huge and feel amazing. It was going to be my purpose in life and I wasn't going stressed about where I'd go first and when I'd go (I'm still not by the way, because I know that it will happen).

The envy I can feel towards people who travel, has now gone. And it makes me feel so happy to say this. I don't resent Eileen for wanting to leave (she's not planning on traveling anymore, by the way). Hearing about other people traveling, makes me excited for them. It gets my juices flowing and gives me adrenaline and a rush, because I know how wonderful it is. All I do now, is wish for everybody to have amazing experience, whilst hopping around the planet because, in my eyes, there's nothing more amazing or magical. And general envy towards who people have or do or experience, I'll never have to such an extent. Of course there'll be situations when I could feel like that, but not in such a manner that it will have a bad influence on me and the other person involved.

I can safely say that I won't feel the envy so strongly again, because as soon as I'm totally back on my feet, I'll be doing what I need and have dreamed of. And that will be all I need. If the envy does happen to come up as strongly as it did when hearing of travel, then I'll seriously have to ask myself, why? There will be some reason, for an urge to be so strong and to overwhelm me to such an extent. I'll be able to learn from it, just like I've learned from the situation with Eileen.

Why am I so sure and why does it make me feel so good? Because I know who I am and I know what I'm meant to be doing. So I won't want anybody else's lifestyle, because I'll have my own. I won't want anybody else's determination, drive, passion, dreams, experiences or plans. Because I'll have my own. And knowing this, also tells me that I'll have the confidence to never look at another person and want to be them, in any way, shape or form. Because I'll be exactly who I want and need to be and that's me.

How great life can be ;)

Analyzing Envy

Analyzing an emotion.. Jealousy. A feeling I would have, on a regular basis. I've always classed myself as "the jealous person". I was always wanting either something someone else had or I was wanting to be or look like that other person. The worst feeling in the world.. But I always was convinced that that's just who I was and that I'd have go through life, always feeling some sort of jealous pangs, be they small or big, which would lead to feelings of resentment.

I used to think that jealousy was bad and envy was good. But they are pretty similar. They are both feelings that can play apart in certain relationships with people and might indicate low-selfesteem, fear and anxiety. The difference is, that jealousy is caused by fear of losing something that is yours, usually a person. Envy on the other hand, is caused by not having a certain something or even a certain someone, and trying to get that thing or trying to prevent somebody else from having it.

In a lot of ways it makes so much sense. Looking at the difference between envy and jealousy, I was probably more often envious than jealous. The only time in my life, when jealousy was a big deal for me, was when it came to boys. Now I can suddenly see that jealously doesn't lead to resentment, but envy does. So all these years "a jealous person" isn't what I should have classed myself as being, but "an envious person". Why? Because it was normal for me to always want to do or experience life as others would experience it, or have what they would have.

Being envious can seem to make a person wish and hope that one day they'll either be, feel, do as the other. But why? Always wanting what we can't have.. That could be very closely linked to never being satisfied with any achievement. An issue that is the underlying one and supported and encouraged by a natural predator, that lurks in the mind..always telling that nothing will ever be enough or good or right, just to make happiness seem unimaginable and forever out of reach.

When would I be envious? When either friends or family would have settled lives with boyfriends or live in secure surroundings. I'd want it. Whenever I'd hear of anybody traveling. I'd want it. Whenever I'd hear of anybody going back to college. I'd want it. You name it, I'd want it. This makes me sounds so greedy, when really I'm not. (That's another "topic" I could write about for hours) But anyhow, constantly wanting to be someone else and being confronted with feelings of envy, makes life so tiring! But I didn't care. That was fine as I truly thought that this was my personality. When it's nothing of the kind.

It's like what Diann has said to me, on so many occasions, and something I've had to tap into a few times this week.. Nobody should identify themselves with an emotion. Jealousy and envy are both emotions. They come and go. I can recognize envy whenever it comes up and own it. At that moment, if I choose and if I see, it could even help me to deal with the issue that is causing me to feel this way and to not take out my own stuff on the person that is involved in the situation at hand. When this happens, it's so easy to feel resentment towards that person who has triggered this feeling inside. But why? It's not their fault that you don't or can't have that certain thing in life that you feel you might be missing and that could make your life a little bit fuller? It's your own issues.. your own stuff. More often than not, it's so unfortunate that people don't realize why they are envious and that the "trigger" or the person involved (often someone close to you), ends up being the one you secretly might blame.

Giving in to the envy and feeding it through identification with this emotion, makes it so much harder to see what is really at hand. Instead, standing back and asking yourself: Why am I envious of this person? The answer could be anything ranging from "they have a nice car" to "they have a college degree". It could be any number of things. There's always an answer. Otherwise what's the use in feeling envy, when you don't know why? It's only destructive in certain relationships and doesn't make either you or the other person feel any better. Letting the envy rule your mood, state of mind or sense of self, is giving it energy. Nothing is being solved, until the reason has been found. If the reason is obvious and you don't need to dig, and if there's no solution or no possibility of you getting or having what that other person has, anytime in the near future, then just accept it as it is. Envy can create problems where there aren't any. Problems always have a solution and if they don't, they can't be classed as problems. So the main option is to solve the problem that has been created by this feeling of envy, or just accept the situation and be happy for the other person.

To be continued..

A Beautiful day 3

To be as happy as I feel now. I suddenly heard myself thinking.. It's just an emotion. I can't identify myself with this. Diann has said so often, that feelings come and go and we need to see ourselves as not being that certain feeling that's arising. So this morning I was thinking..This happiness could be just like sadness or anger or resentment. All emotions, that come and go. With every emotion, I'm usually able to stand back and notice. I can then see them, but also distance myself from them and not them take over me. But is it the same with happiness? Is that an emotion that I shouldn't identify myself with too? Should I just let it pass, as others emotions pass?

I don't reckon it's the same. Diann has said to me on several occasions that happiness is a state of mind or a state of being. We can choose to have this state of mind. When bad things happen during the day or we are met with challenges, we can realize that they don't make our moods any better and that it feels bad. But underneath we can still be a happy person. Isn't it said that, at the core of everything, is love and happiness??

Isn't love, which makes us feel happy, the drive for everything we do in life? Absolutely everything? Such as family, friends, work, food, clothes, sleep, telly, advertisements, movies, music, computers, travel, books, sports, socializing.. Absolutely everything is driven by the desire to be happy. People have different things that brings them pleasure, but at the core, all everyone wants is happiness and to feel love. An example: Work is to keep a roof over our heads and for food and to afford clothes and do fun things.. All to eventually feel happiness and to make it possible to look after to people we love in life.

So if I'm happy, then I shouldn't see that as a passing emotion. Because it's not. It's a state of being. It's a choice I can make, as to how I interpret and perceive this world. Everybody has a choice. They could choose to see a miracle in everything that happens or they could choose to see a grievance in everything. Each decision can be based on this. Choosing to see the miracle, makes ever person and every event positive. If somebody chooses a sad state of being. then this will show up in everything this person does, says, thinks or feels. It will show up in their reactions, in their interactions, in their decisions, in everything really. The same goes for choosing a happy state of being. This will also show in everything a person does, says, thinks or feels. If I know that behind every action I undertake in my daily life, there lies the reason to be happy and to express this and if I know that love is the core of everything, then isn't that having a positive frame of mind? Won't I always be reassured that happiness is something that will always be there and be stronger than any grievance, any judgement, any doubt or any feeling a inadequacy? And won't I always know that love is really what makes the world go round (alot of people say it's money, which could also hold some truth..but then again, why do we want money?? to feel happiness and fulfilled..but money doesn't fill us, love fills us and therefore drives us through life).

Can't I go through life, and never doubt that happiness will be taken away from me, due to a certain situation, challenge, loss or encounter? If I choose to do this, then of course I can. Every person I come into contact with, every circumstance I find myself in and every opportunity that presents itself, will give me inspiration. But only if that's what I choose to see. The happiness could so easily become overshadowed by doubt, fear and stress. But that's in my own hands too. I can let that be the case because maybe it can be easier to see the negative instead of the positive. It could me feel like I'm doing justice. I could convince myself that it could make me feel better, even it is temporarily. But it never will, because seeing people and things for what they truly are, is so freeing. I choose to see the miracle and life will unfold, as it has been doing and all will always be magical.

A Beautiful day 2

This whole "work chapter" of my past 8 months, has taught me alot. I've read it in books, so many times before, and I know it so well, but reading the theory is always different than seeing it in practise.. Fearing and worrying about the future, doesn't help one bit. Did all those worries, help me deal with the situation or did it make it easier to deal with? No. If I wouldn't have stressed, would the email I got yesterday have been any different? No. All the images I tried to come up with in my head about what could happen and what they might think of me and what I could end up feeling like..did any of these images reassure me? No. If anything, they made me feel worse. I was creating a problem, for so long. And when a problem arises and can't be dealt with at that moment, then the key to not letting the problem keep you awake at night and make you feel anxious and stressed, is to simply accept the problem. Resisting the problem is only making it bigger. And the bigger the problem the gets, the harder it is to make peace with and to just accept how it is. If there's nothing that can be changed right here and now, then just let it be. Feeding it, by stress and fear, is only making it worse. This is a theory that now makes so much sense. It's like I've put it into practise.

After reading the email, everything was so great. I felt so relieved that I wouldn't have to go back and work. I know I make it sound like that job was the pits. And in many ways it was. But I did learn alot, during my 6 months there. It was so hard, even though it sounds like the easiest job going, an "internet travel agent". But I can assure it wasn't. I've tried that line of work now and know that it isn't for me. If I hadn't gone through my six months with them, I would probably still be open to working at a travel agency. Whereas now I'm not. Since college, it was a job I thought that was good for me. But it wasn't and I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't given it a shot. So for that, I'm grateful. And throughout the past 8 months, they've treated me very very well. I couldn't have asked for more. So for that, I'm also grateful. It might seem like I'm just saying this, because I'm not going back, but that's not the case. These realizations were there anyhow. It's just taking a step back that makes you realize the good things that came out of a certain experience.

Anyhow, knowing that I don't need to go back.. makes me feel so free. I can finally say, with certainty, that I will never have to fulfill that commercial position, in such an environment. And that makes me so happy. It might sound like something small. But it's not. I've now got an even easier and fuller feeling than I've had in a long time. Because I can safely say that whatever happens throughout the next few months, it will all be for the good of me. Going back to Holland and back into that job, wouldn't have done me good and that's why going back just wasn't an option. But now I can truly look forward and know that I won't have put myself through anything that might be risky, in terms of having a relapse. It's just so liberating, freeing and all I feel is calm.

Actually, that's not entirely true. If I'm really honest about how I'm feeling right now: I want to run to the nearest mountain and scream my head off. I want to shout to world how beautiful life is. I want to run and jump for joy, as high as I can. I want to hug every person I see. My chest feels as if it's going to burst or overflow or something, with whatever it is that's inside. It's such an amazing feeling. When I was walking to the garage, this morning, I just couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop feeling so full of life (even though my legs weren't carrying me all that fast). I felt that I was finally at ease with everything. And I mean everything. You name it, and it's fine. It really is. Because there aren't any problems, not right now, not as I'm sitting here trying to put into words just how happy I am right now.

A Beautiful day 1

It's Friday, the 13th. But it certainly doesn't feel like it. Not that it should feel a certain way, but still. Bad luck? There's no such thing. Luck that is connected to experiences, encounters, events or opportunities, isn't really probable. Because experiences we make ourselves. And therefore luck we can also create ourselves. It's seeing the opportunities as they arise and using these opportunities to see the potential. And that's where we can experience wonderful things.

Anyhow, good luck or bad luck, what does it matter? Life is now and life is great. I could say that I've been having some good luck the past one or two days or weeks. But I haven't, well I don't believe I have. I believe that the good things are happening because of the way I'm approaching it all. I'm not looking for problems where there aren't any. If things were going any differently, I'd also see them as good. Because my intention to do and be the way I want and eventually travel and to keep on writing, which is all I dream of, is there and always will be. So I'm not stressed about how, when or where it's going to happen. Because I know for certain that it will and that's all I need. Things that come up or challenges that I still have to rise to, are all meant to be. They are either to make me stronger or to make me feel more gratitude than I already do. They will keep me ticking a long, keep me on my toes and I won't resent them. This might all sound very unrealistic and "away with the fairies". But it's how I see it, so I don't see anything wrong with looking at things in this way.

This week, I've finally told work that I want to leave. It was a big step. I sent them an email on Wednesday saying that I need to break away from all my responsibilities in Holland because they're holding me back. In a way they were burdening me and causing me unnecessary guilt for getting better. As I've said before, I need all my energy in one place, to focus and to think ahead without thinking about the past and without stressing about what is to come. Telling them was the biggest obstacle (even bigger than moving my stuff) and I've been dreading it for months. I was convinced they'd think I was ungrateful for all that they've done. I felt like I owed them my commitment, by returning to work for whatever length of time, just because they paid me sick-leave for months on end.

So I did away with the guilt this week. I sent the email and detached myself from the outcome. I was so determined not to let it stress me out or keep me awake at night. I figured the "worst" thing that could happen, was that they wouldn't let me quit and that I'd have to go back to Holland to work, for a couple of months. That would have been the outcome that I would have felt least comfortable with. But I told myself, if that happens, it won't be all that bad. I didn't like the job, but what's 2 or 3 months of persons life? If that's what I would have had to do, then I'll do it. It wouldn't have been a massive disaster.. I would have dealt with it.

So keeping in mind that there really wasn't any disaster that could come of me wanting to quit, I felt at ease. Between sending it and receiving their answer, I didn't have any doubt, worries, stress or anxiety about it. Before I sent it though, it was a different story.. But anyhow, the fact that for the past 2 days I haven't been too stressed, was really unusual for me.. Because for as long as I can remember I've always hated handing in my notice. I've always felt like I was letting someone down and like I was failing.

Yesterday I got their reply. And I was shocked. They were so nice. They totally understood that it was harder for me to make progress, knowing that I still have to go back to work. They were helpful and understanding. I don't owe them anything.. That's what the email actually said.. My teamleader (she's the girl who has been dealing with my sick-leave and who I've been in contact with, every so often) actually said that if I send a letter with the date as to when I want to officially quit, then she'll sort out the rest, and my contract with be terminated.. I was like.. WHAT?? This can't be happening. This is too good man!! She was actually giving a choice as to when I can quit. No pressure at all... wouw.. (I supposed I'm only doing them a favour too, by quitting, so that might have something to do with..not that it matters though).

For weeks, there was me, trying to coax myself into feeling fine about quitting. The amount of talking to myself I had to do, to feel fine with what I was doing, was huge. And it turned out to be so easy. It just goes to show that we can never predict what's going to happen. For months I'd lie awake at night and worry and feel guilty about not being in the office.. and about not being strong enough to go back to Holland. I remember a time when I was even feeling guilty for laughing, because I felt that was a sign I should be back in the office. For the past 8 months, I've spent hours and hours worrying and stressing about them. I felt like I was hurting people, by not being there. And I guess now I can't quite believe that it's proved to be so easy. I'm not going to dwell on all the worries that it has brought me. Because there's no point. It wasn't needed.

A note of thought

I'm pretty sure it's passed. The bug seems to have gone. Since the night before last. Yesterday I did well. I ate toast, soup and yogurt and drank lots of fluid. I took it easy, didn't go for a walk either. Even though I would have loved to. The weather was so nice.. Blue skies and everything. But there'll be more days like that to come. I slept really well, again and didn't have cramps. I was feeling weak and woozy in my head though, before going to bed, just like I did the night before. But maybe just because I was tired. By that stage I wanted to eat lots and lots, so I went to bed which would make breakfast time come sooner.

I woke up and thought about food and was excited. I was thinking about what I was in the mood for. I didn't want anymore bread. I've had enough of that for the next while anyhow. So I had normal cereal for breakfast. I'm still wary about eating fruit though. I don't want it to start things off again. Even though I'd love some orange juice, some prunes, some kiwi's.. hummm.. I'm not really feeling like I'm going to overeat and I know why. It's because I wasn't restricting myself for the past days, even though I wasn't eating proper meals. It's probably just the frame of my mind I had, while I was doing it.

I'm really in the mood for yogurt, filled with lots of stuff. It's been so long. I would have thought that yogurt would be coming out of my ears by now, but it's not. So that's good. I'm still wary about eating fish though. If it makes me feel sick then it might put me off it forever. And that would be such a shame. So I'll see how I feel later on and see what the rest of my eating does to my stomach. All in all, the past 2 days haven't mucked me up. I'm still wanting food and I don't feel guilty, I don't feel like anything has been triggered. So it's all good. Thank god. I'm off to acupuncture later on. So that will be nice again and will boost my appetite and energy again.

I've been thinking the past few days about how well things are going, and how good I've been feeling. Looking back on the past weeks, I've been feeling so normal. And I think it's all down to the books I've been reading and the meditating I've been doing. I know it's not for everybody, but as they say.. "Don't mock it until you've tried it". I've been doing the meditating now for maybe 5 weeks, everyday. And I can honestly say that it only gets easier, better and nicer. I actually look forward to it. It gives me such a positive outlook on everything. One day, during the week, even though I had the bug, I was meditating and I could feel for an instant that I was getting a shot of adrenaline or energy or something. It was amazing. Other times my whole body goes numb and I feel all floaty. It can, in some ways, be compared to the feelings that acupuncture brings on. It's amazing, to feel so much but so little at the same time, from doing nothing at all.

I used to always want to meditate and gave it a go a few times when I was in Oz. But it was like a chore and it would frustrate me as I didn't know if I was doing it properly and if I was, it wasn't doing what it was supposed to be doing. But I approached it the wrong way. My "mind-setting" was all off. Since coming back to Ireland, I wanted to start practising it but wasn't able to or the time just wasn't right. Since the beginning of January, it's become a daily ritual. A far better and more beneficial ritual compared to keeping a food-diary... I meditate for around 15 or 20 minutes, every morning. And it's said that when you do it, it gets the creative juices flowing. And nothing could be more true than that. Each time I seem to come up with so many ideas and I get so much inspiration. Afterwards all I want is pen and paper and all I want to do is express everything that comes up, while I'm in that reflective mood. Because really that's what meditating does..it puts you in a reflective mood.

It's such a great place to be. Being "there" and feeling so great while doing this, and at the same time wanting to express everything that comes up..be it feelings of gratitude, compassion, love or happiness, is so overwhelming and gives me so much drive. At that moment, I'd love to do both at the same time.. but that's impossible. So doing one, in order to do, be and feel what's there and express it through everything I do and think is such a challenge, but so effortless at the same time. I want to keep it going, because it keeps me so focused, calm, driven, happy and energized (even when the food wasn't been taken in for days). And that's really saying something.

Right now, I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. The books I'm reading are stimulating me to keep up this way of going about life. And then I'd ask myself, how good or bad is it, to cling onto somebody else's writings? Is it wise to hold on to somebody else's wisdom or beliefs, and use that to help myself? But surely if these writers are teachers, counsellors, doctor's or professors, then surely I'm only learning from them? Just like I've been learning from Diann.. who also had to get her knowledge from someone else? It's said that there is a certain amount of knowledge that a person can hold, "naturally".. It's the field of intelligence, that just needs to tapped in to, to access the knowledge. But, besides this, being open to learn from other peoples lives, experiences, insights and ways of living, isn't that what life is all about? Aren't people and how their lives have turned out, also expressions or ways or means as to how others can heal, grow and eventually inspire those who will be needing the same information and wisdom in time to come?

I guess what I'm trying to establish, or maybe already know, is that the role another person's knowledge, wisdom, writings, experience and life-journeys can play in your own life, no matter how big or small, doesn't have to be classed as silly, far-fetched, over-the-top, insignificant or harming. If anything, it's good and it's how the world works. So I don't have to doubt myself, for clinging on to what I need at this moment in time. I don't need to feel ashamed or feel like a failure for being open to learning about deeper things and for wanting to experience them.

If some of the knowledge was already there, and I'm now only seeing it, then it's true what Diann said..that with an eating disorder comes are certain amount of wisdom. These writers and Diann too, could be inspiring me to just open my eyes and see it all and that everything was really already there. Learning is a good thing and it's timeless and when enjoyed it's even effortless. Especially when you consider what you get in return.. An ocean of knowingness, that gives you so much opportunities, inspiration, drive and determination. So why would I even doubt that where I am and what I'm doing, could be the wrong thing. Because if it feels so right, then isn't that proof enough? I'm doing what is serving me, right here, right now. And that's all that matters..

Magic Moment

Letting the other breathe, letting the other live
Letting the other show, what it is that you can give
Letting the other feel, letting the other listen
Letting the other realize that nothing was ever missing
Letting the other jump, letting the other shout
Letting the other know that they will always be let out

A second you or a whole you, of this you weren't aware
Some attention needed, to ease the feelings that scare
A second you or a whole you, that gives you all you need
Some attention needed, to realize your life exists of that deed
A second you or whole you, that will make you feel safe
Some attention needed, to know there's no need to escape

That extra person, that's sitting and waiting
Has so much patience and hasn't been anticipating
That extra person, that will always be known
Has so much joy and that will soon be shown
That extra person, that stands by and observes
Has so much strength and life it deserves

A moment to see and a moment to hear
Is a moment to feel that everything is near
A moment to stop and a moment to freeze
Is a moment to sit and be at total ease
A moment to ask and a moment to answer
Is a moment to give in and become the dancer

The intention is settled and therefore will come alive
By doing what is needed, which is nothing before five
The intention is settled and the rest will soon be
By letting go of everything, but hanging on to me
The intention is settled and this is what one must do
By using all 5 senses and the intuition that is you

To taste the food and take in the nutrition, will give you health with extra commission
To smell the air and take in the rising thought, will remind of the joy that life has brought
To feel the emotions or to touch that thing, will show you the cherished truth that will never sting
To listen to sounds of inner and outer being, will make you aware of the love that is freeing
To look and see the wonders and that sight, will awaken you to a life that has always been so right
To finally live with everything that's is given to you, will assure that there's a miracle in everything you do

24 hours no food..

To follow up on the stomach stuff that I was having problems with yesterday afternoon.. I started the tablets on Monday night, but they didn't help. So going for 4 days without getting any proper food-intake, was long enough and I was feeling the strain and looking awful. Yesterday Ma rang the doctor again, to see if there was anything else that could be done.

The doctor said that it was a virus, and to get rid of it as quickly as possible, I was to stop eating for 24 hours and take stronger tablets for it. The only thing I was allowed to have was yogurt and lots of water. Well, when Ma said it, for the first 10 seconds I felt panic, I wanted to cry and run away. I didn't want to consider not eating properly for so long. I had visions of me being inflicted with bad thoughts and I could see this forcing my old habits back on to me and thus setting me back.

But after those first initial thoughts.. I had to talk myself into looking at it from a different angle. Yes, it's dangerous territory, not eating for so long. But only if I chose to look at it as being a huge deal. It didn't have to be. Then I considered waiting one more day and seeing if it might pass by itself. After a few more minutes, I thought, no. I can do this. I can stop eating proper meals, if it's what I need to flush out this virus. It's like what I realized yesterday, I can see it for what it really is..just a virus. And not eating for 24 hours, is not for wanting to loose weight and to gain control. But it's actually to stop the possibility of me losing weight. It's purely so I can start eating healthily again, and enjoy my food again without feeling sick and get back to normal again. If I chose not to follow his advice, I don't know how long it could go on for. As the doctor said.. by eating proper solid food, you're literally feeding the virus.

So after seeing the options..either keep on eating and see where it leads with running the risk of losing weight and feeding the virus..(and according to Ma it could have led me to hospital) or stop eating and risk feeding Anna and bringing up old stuff but getting rid of it. So of course, I choose to get rid of it. And it had to happen sooner rather than later.

With the right approach to the 24 hours of yogurt, I'd be fine. I had to convince myself of this. And I did. The rest of the night, I took it easy. I didn't want to do anything, because I was afraid of burning too many calories and getting hungry. So I went to bed for a few hours and then had 3 tubs of yogurt and gallons of tea and water. The yogurt got a bit much after a while. I know I love to eat it everyday, but that's only 1 tub and it's got lots of stuff through it. But when it's just plain yogurt.. it's not that great.. there's only so much any person could stomach.

I wasn't hungry afterwards and only had 1 bowl movement (to put it in polite terms). So that was a huge difference, when comparing it to the 10 to 15 times, the night before. I was feeling really strange though last night, before I went to bed. I was dizzy and floaty and every sound was like a massive shock to the system. The noises shook my whole body causing all these weird sensations. Maybe I was just exhausted because I'd been up for since 5 that morning and hadn't eaten properly. But I wasn't hungry..so that was kind of weird. Or it could have been the medication I had taken. I haven't even got a clue what it was by the way. I was so glad to go to bed, which made a nice change. I was just so happy to be able to sleep properly again. I didn't need to get up constantly in the middle of the night. My stomach had settled and my bed was nice place to be.

This morning when I got up, I didn't need the toilet and my stomach was still okay. Ma suggested last night to stay away from the yogurt and try some toast instead. Because too much dairy isn't great on the bowls either. So that's what I've done. I've had 2 slices since getting up and am drinking lots of fluid. I'll probably keep this up until tomorrow just to be sure that the virus has gone.

I must say that I'm still feeling weak and tired. But other than that, I'm feeling fine. It hasn't triggered anything. I know that as soon as I can eat again, I won't go restricting myself. Because I'm missing proper tasty food. I miss fruit, I miss muesli and fish. That's probably what I miss the most. It will be nice to be able to think of food again, without feeling sick.

This has been such a challenge.. but I am proud of myself for not letting it mess with my head. Because on top of "not eating for different reasons than I'm used to", I was looking at some photo's yesterday of myself, from a year ago. Usually this would be classed as "dangerous territory" (looking at what I used to look like usually would have made me want to look like that again), but I was fine. I looked in the mirror afterwards, with fuller cheeks and brighter eyes and knew that this is how I'm supposed to look. I'm not supposed to look like the ill girl I see in the photo's. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time to look at the photo's..as if I wasn't being challenged enough. But it's fine. The virus should be gone for sure withing the next 24 hours and then I can start enjoying my food again. I can't wait..

Still a bug

It's Tuesday afternoon, and at the moment I've still got the stomach bug. It's been 4 days now. Diarrhea like there's no tomorrow. It's draining me and I feel weak, if I'm honest. This feeling started yesterday morning. I was tired and walking up the stairs was nearly too much. For days the food has just been running through me so I'm not taking in anything from it.

Yesterday I said to Diann that I could have lost a bit of weight. I'm not 100% sure though. But I can feel it in my shoulders and arms. They feel all tight and bony. I don't know if they've always been like that and that I'm only truly feeling it now or if it's because I haven't been taking in any food for days. I can't say for certain.

It's a feeling that I remember getting when I was in Darwin, a year and half ago. Which was also when I started to loose a lot of weight. It was a feeling that became permanent, so I became oblivious to it after a while. It's like you can feel yourself getting skinnier, and bones become visible and the skin gets tighter. It's almost as if your whole body become tightly wrapped by invisible wrapping, that clings to your bones and the less you eat and more active you get, the tighter the wrapping becomes and the more bones you begin to feel. That's how I used to feel, but it became normal. And for a while, up until a few days ago, I started feeling full and like I was expanding and almost like my skin and bones are able to breathe and relax and grow and strengthen. It's hard to put this feeling into words. It's a feeling I've only been becoming aware of that I had back then and that I have in a minor way right now. It's nothing big. It could be my imagination maybe. But if it is, then why is it coming to my attention?? huummm...

Yesterday I wanted to go to yoga, but I wasn't feeling too good and at around 8 o'clock I was running back and forth to the bathroom again. It's the strangest thing, but it only ever starts in the evening and continues on throughout the night and stops early in the morning. So I haven't been sleeping well either. Today I was up at 5, so now it feels like it's late in the evening..

During the day, just like now, I feel okay. A little tired and lifeless, but generally not sick or anything. I started taking tablets last night, but I was afraid I'd overdose on them. They were giving me more pain in my stomach than I already had. But I should just keep on taking them and there are few other "remedies" I'm trying too. Anything to get this to stop. Because without food, I feel awful. I'm being reminded of what I used to feel like months ago, a feeling I used to welcome, a dizziness that made me feel happy. But not anymore. I need and want energy. I want to be able to go for a walk each day. But I'm almost afraid I'll be doing myself more bad than good by strolling around the block. I've only been for a walk once this week and I'm yearning to get out.. I don't want this bug to muck me up, physically. I don't want it to set me back.

Diann said yesterday that even though I'm feeling drained and disgusting right now, the fact that this bug isn't effecting me in any other way, is a big improvement. A while ago, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it. I wouldn't have been able to still feel fine with eating even though it's making me feel sick. I wouldn't have been able to keep the bug separate from Anna. The two would have become one. But not anymore. Seeing as though Anna doesn't rule my days and nights anymore, she also won't seek indulgence or satisfaction in a stomach bug. So often, when recovering and whenever a little weight is lost whilst still in recovery, it can trigger all kinds of "classical eating disorder stuff". But if I have lost a little weight, it hasn't seemed to bring up any old stuff. I don't want to keep the weight off, I have to keep on gaining. It isn't making Anna stronger because she doesn't control me. So, if anything can be gained from this bug, if it's not weight, then it's more reassurance that I'm strong. So for now, I'm signing off, and will take the rest of the day as it comes..

A Good Thing no.3

Another thing that I've realized and feel totally fine with the past month: I don't write down what I eat from day to day anymore. I don't need to analyze what has passed my lips throughout the day. Whatever I eat, I simply eat. Whatever I don't eat, I simply don't.

Since July 2007, up until around a month ago, I would write down everyday every piece of food that passed my lips, be it healthy or unhealthy. It wouldn't matter. For ages, I would want there to be as little as possible written down each day, and that would make me feel great. Then I had to change this ritual, back in July 2008, and see it as being great whenever there was as much as I could possibly stomach, written down. For a while, I was scared to give up this daily ritual. I didn't want to stop analyzing what I was eating. I wanted to do it forever and I couldn't imagine my life without doing this. I didn't WANT my life without a food-diary. I had images of me, in 20 or 30 years time, having boxes and boxes of notebooks stored away containing all my food-diaries, that I'd collected from year to year. And being 50 years old, I'd look back at a binge I'd had when I was 49 or 48 and feel bad but also good because that binge wouldn't have made me fat. Making a record of something and keeping it "on file" in order to check back over it in the future, was who I wanted to be. Those are the visions I had of how my life was going to be. So I clung onto it, up until the beginning of January.

Up until this point, I noticed that I was forcing myself to keep this food-diary. It was a chore and I kept it up because I didn't want to be someone who ate without it being surveyed or controlled. But without feeling lost or alien, I've been breaking away from this habit. It has become something that really isn't important. I don't need to cling onto it anymore. It doesn't make me feel better about myself. I've not really thought about writing down what I would eat, for a while now and whenever I do, it's just too much effort to keep track. And I figure that if something is too much of a chore, then it really isn't needed anymore. And it's such a relief. It's like I've cut away from something I was so convinced I'd do and need for the rest of my life. But no, I can live without a food-diary. I don't need it. I like food, I deserve food and I'll always eat, no matter how hard some days still might get. My body will tell me what it needs. It will tell me what foods make me feel full and healthy and are good and also the foods that aren't. I'm not going to get this information from some diary that just encourages an obsession with food or eating in general to rule a person's life, in not such a good way.

Still on the subject of food yesterday.. I told Diann about quiting the supplement drinks, and shock was written over her face. She hadn't expected it at all. It wasn't a big deal yesterday. I didn't need the second-opinion I needed last week and I didn't need advice either. Yes, it was an issue on Wednesday when I came back from Holland, but I dealt with it myself, and now it's fine. I'm happier without them and I feel stronger for it.

All this goodness, taking me by surprise. Diann just kept on saying what a difference 2 months has made. And I know it's true. But can I take any credit for it? I don't know. It seems wrong to, for some reason. O my god, me just saying this, makes me feel so awful. So yes, I can take the credit for it. Right? Mostly I can. I want to take it all, but I can't. I think that's just the independent streak in me coming out. Always wanting to do everything without anybody else's help. But that's hasn't been the case. Doesn't everybody need help from time to time? Nobody can go through life without needing to lean on at least one person, when times get tough. I'm only human, just like everybody else. I just don't like admitting that I can't be without. It's so silly, I know. Because there's nothing to worry about. Everything is okay, and will only get better.. once the bug or virus leaves my stomach this is.. ;)

A Good Thing no.2

Every other subject that popped up yesterday, only added to the "goodness" of the past two weeks.

The subject of weighing myself. I probably couldn't have picked a worse day to stand on the scales for the first time. It was Tuesday last week, in Holland, when I wasn't having a good day, the day when I had planned to be back in Ireland again. But standing on it, didn't make me worse. And to know that seeing the number come up on the screen and feeling low whilst doing so, and not letting it effect my eating or my mood, shows that I can stand on it at any given moment and feel fine about my weight. It was so great to be able to say this outloud. It didn't make me want to not eat. If anything it shocked me...

Weighing only 40 kilos, after months and months of eating and resting, sitting down, lying in bed and drinking gallons of high-calorie energy drinks.. was reassuring to say the least. And this isn't a bad thing to admit, according to Diann. It should only make me feel more comfortable eating whatever and whenever I like, because I've got a high metabolism and naturally I'm not a heavy person. It's not in my genes to be big, or else I'd be piling on the weight. And I'm not. They say that an average woman needs 2000 calories a day. On a diet, a woman should take in 1500 calories. And to put on weight, a woman needs 2500 calories a day. Those 500 extra calories a day, with a normal metabolism, can cause a weight-gain of approximately 1 kilo a week. I don't think my average daily intake is more than 2000 calories. Not that I'm counting or anything, but I just know the numbers..I can't erase them.. unfortunately. But I don't feel the need to have more than I eat. So it's fine and weight is something I don't need to worry about. Diann said that whenever I'm having a so-called "fat-day" I can use this same thought to feel fine within myself.

Another thing that felt good to say outloud yesterday was that I don't really have fat-days anymore. It's been so long. I know this doesn't mean that I'll never have such a day again. But just that they aren't a weekly thing anymore, is big in itself. I was even able to admit that I occasionally look in the mirror and get a fright at what I see. It can feel like seeing myself as being skinny for the first time ever and that I can suddenly see what size I truly am. I can see what others see and that scares the hell out of me. Because I can't imagine what others had to look at when I was 10 kilos lighter. But that's another issue.. All in all, my weight only does good for me right now. I can safely say that I still need to put on weight. And I know I will still put on weight. On the otherhand, I now can also know that it will still be a while before my periods come back.

This was a subject we touched on a few weeks ago. I really want them to come back, so badly. Just to feel reassured that I'm a healthy weight again. It's now 2 years since my last period. I was around 45 kilo's then, so it will take some more weight-gain for them to start again. That's if they ever do start again. Diann did say that there are girls whose periods never come back. That's the reality of it, and it's a possibility. She suggested I get another bone-scan done, in around 3 or 4 months time, to see if there is any sign of osteoporosis. I already had a scan done, back in the summer, and it was clear. But apparently, it can still come about, even thought I've started eating properly again. Having osteoporosis is linked to not having periods. There are also other tests that I can get done, to see if my periods will come back or not. But that's something of a later date.. And as always, time will tell.

On a cheerier note, we were still talking about the weight and that it can help me with feeling fine whenever I eat "all around me". This doesn't mean that knowing a number on the scales and therefore stuffing myself, is signs of Anna. Because it isn't. I was pleased to say however, that I hardly ever feel like "eating all around" me anymore. I don't need to eat the whole day long. I don't need to be afraid, as I used to be, that after dinner I'm going to want more food. Because I don't. My dinner portions always fill me. I don't have to escape from the kitchen anymore either for fear of overeating or going on a binge. I don't have that urge anymore.

Another thing..I'm also able to say outloud, that I'm hungry. I can finally say the words, without feeling guilty or without feeling like I'm betraying someone or without feeling like I'm saying the wrong thing. For months it was such a hard thing to admit outloud. "I'm hungry". It would make me feel like a failure. Admitting that my appetite is increasing and that I need to eat every 2 hours..SHAME ON ME!! But not anymore. I can say the words, without having to think about the effect it could have on me. Because there is no effect. It's just a normality.. Saying simple words that everyone else would say at least once a day. I can join in again..

A Good Thing no.1

An hour with Diann yesterday, like talking to a friend. She had been concerned last week, once she heard that our flight had been cancelled and that I'd be staying in Holland for two unexpected extra days. Not only that, but she was also worried because I was missing a session too, because of the cancellation, which was also unexpected. I think I've only ever gone one week without going down to see her. Which can make things trickier, especially after having a big week with a lot going on.

I filled her in on all that had been happening in my every increasing world; I told her about how the drinks got taken off me at the airport, about how well moving house went, about how much I'd been opening-up and talking comfortably with people, about how I'd eaten pizza at the party without guilt, about how I wasn't paranoid or ashamed or worried, about how I met up with my mates and felt great about it, about how I was still pleased to be leaving Holland even though I was enjoying myself and about how the extra days didn't effect me massively.. and about how I weighed myself and didn't let it effect and about how I stayed off the supplement drinks and felt fine about it. O yeah and last but not least, I told her about the stomach bug (and still have it, by the way) and that it hasn't effected my way of thinking or brought me down.

I really don't know where to begin when it comes to either expressing my feelings gratitude for how I approached things or how happy I am that life is looking up. I don't think it's the first time I've said this, and it more than likely won't be the last time either. But, yesterday as I heard myself say these things outloud, I was amazed at how well it all went. And Diann was too. She initially was concerned that the extra days in Holland would muck me up. She said she remembers how something unexpected used to also cause her to flip back into anorexia-mode, back when she was recovering. It would always make slipping back into old habits nearly inevitable. I admit that those 2 days weren't the easiest, but I got on with it and kept on eating without needing to close myself off from the world and didn't breakdown. The thoughts that did come up, I recognized them straight away which makes them easier to put into perspective and to deal with. My usual reaction to something like this, would have been at least a day in bed away from the world. Well, 2 months ago, when I went to Holland that's what I would have needed to do in order to deal with it. Or I simply wouldn't have been able to deal with it and therefore would have put myself back to bed for hours on end. The difference is huge.

When planning a trip and traveling, stress is always involved. As Diann pointed out yesterday. Not that I didn't know this of course. For people in the fullness of their health, a certain amount of stress comes along with travel. A flight cancellation would have thrown anybody off their "planned course". So it was only natural for it to have had a minor effect on me.

It also explains why Ma and I went had some misunderstandings too. Simple things like Ma asking me if I was going to eat, before leaving to go to the airport. Such a normal question to ask. But it just pushed my wrong buttons at that moment. Ma was only wanting to be sure that I wouldn't go the whole day of traveling without food. Which was her way of trying to control whatever she could, because we can't control anything, when we're travel. We're dependent on others to get us where we need to be. But for me, this question, was such a let-down. For Ma to think that I would, at this stage in my recovery, intentionally go without food for hours on end, when I knew that I had 6 or 8 hours of travel ahead of me. Not only that, it also made me feel like a child. I know Ma didn't mean it and I didn't mean to react the way I did. But at that moment, when I'm trying to figure out what to eat and am feeling slightly stressed by it all, I'm in locked into a certain way of thinking and this make it simply impossible for me to be able to stand back and rationalize what it was that Ma really meant. I felt like I was 10 years old again. Maybe because I was acting like it, or maybe because that's how Ma saw me at that moment. I don't know.

Diann said that if I'm able to realize what the intention behind the question is, then I won't feel like I'm being attacked or treated like a child. I'll see that it was meant for herself, so Ma could feel better and reassured and that she didn't say it to make me feel inadequate. But looking at the bigger picture, the whole "feeling I'm being watched and treated like a child" was the thing that I got a little paranoid about when I was over there. If it was or wasn't the case, isn't really an issue. It was mainly in my head, so I can't truly establish of it was or wasn't reality. I asked Ma straight out yesterday if she was keeping an extra eye on me. She said that she was concerned about me being without the supplements, but once that had settled, she wasn't too "observant" of me. So I'll take her word for it. And to be honest, it really doesn't matter anyhow. They were only minor things and yesterday we were both honest as to why we said what we said or why we reacted the way we did.

I know Ma is only worried about me and I can totally understand it. Especially now, that I can see how ill I got. And also that I'm only now starting to put myself out there in the world again. Diann said something interesting yesterday. She said that all the people who around are me, and who went through this illness with me, also are coming to terms with me getting stronger and better. It goes without saying that they are adjusting to the fact that I'm more capable of dealing with certain situations than I once was. And adjusting doesn't happen overnight. It's not like a switch, just like my recovery isn't like a switch either. Adjusting won't go at the exact same pace as my recovery.

For example, me suddenly feeling so good and strong and certain of being fine with eating 2 slices of pizza and being in good company at the same time, doesn't necessarily mean that the people close to me, who have been following me and supporting me throughout this who ordeal, can know and be certain that I'm feeling okay with eating 2 slices of pizza without going crazy in my head. And that's where the concern comes in, when it sometimes isn't needed on my part and when on other occasions it can be needed. And with letting go of that concern that was once needed more so than it is today, comes trust and belief in me that I am strong and able to cope with both life and eat healthy. I can totally understand it, and it only makes perfect sense.

The people close to me, know from my blog what's been going on and they therefore know how quickly moods and feelings can change. However this doesn't mean that they can possibly know if I'm going to be feeling good this time tomorrow, for example. Because I can't know and therefore they can't either. Nobody knows what's going on inside my head, from one moment to the next. I can sometimes even have a hard time keeping up with it all. Looking at it from this perspective can transform concern into me seeing it as them being compassionate, caring and loving instead of transforming it into me seeing them as them smothering me and treating me like a child. I'm not a kid but for a while, just like anybody who is ill no matter how old or young, I NEEDED and therefore WAS treated as a kid. So if this is the case, and it is, then I can't possibly feel an ounce of resentment. And I don't. Not after looking at it from a different angle. My head is clear, so I can see it now and hopefully will be able to feed from this knowledge whenever it's needed, for future reference..

Sunday morning

It's Sunday morning. All I've been thinking about is writing. I feel almost like I've deserted this, or myself, by not having felt the need to sit for hours on end, analyzing whatever it is that's going on in my world. But there is always something to say or think..

Ever since Friday I've had a stomach bug. Again. And I picked it up when I was in Holland. Again. This time however, it's the runs I've got. I'm not going to go into any details, but let's just say that I never knew it was possible to have it this bad. So eating hasn't been a joy, which is a bummer. Everything makes me feel sick. But all I want to do is eat, but I can't, or not too much anyhow, because it makes me queasy. At the moment I'm just waiting for it to pass. I thought it had, yesterday afternoon, as I was feeling fine again but last night it started again. Anything I've eaten, hasn't been doing any work, or not the work it should do. It means that I've hardly been getting any food into my system so I'm feeling drained and tired. I hope it passes pretty soon, because I can't afford to be going for days without getting any goodness from eating.

But it's just a minor hick-up. It's not like the last time I had it. That was 2 months ago and then it was a great excuse for me not to have to eat. But now it's not. It's not making me feel any better but only worse. It's really not major at all, but it shows that I do need, want and enjoy food and miss it when it's gone. There was a stage when I would have welcomed a stomach bug.. anything not to eat. Not anymore though. That feeling has gone. I need all this food, to keep on building my strength and to do things and to feel good. I never thought I'd hear myself say that, but it's true.

The worries I had on Wednesday night, as to whether I should or shouldn't start back on the supplement drinks, after being off them for a week, have gone. Thursday night, I thought I'd just see if I was hungry, at 9 o'clock at night and if I was in the mood for one. But I wasn't. Ever since Friday I haven't worried or analyzed them. The thoughts still make me feel sick, just like drinking did, on Wednesday night. I don't crave them, as I did a week ago. They aren't calling me from the fridge. They are just there and I don't want them. I'm not falling down in a heap, because I'm missing the calories. I don't go to bed hungry, which used to be the case. But all the other food, is satisfying me.

Last night, when I was starting to feel sick and drained after dinner, it brought up some stuff again. This time, it wasn't bad thoughts about others or about me. But it was about getting out of here. Surprise surprise. Nothing new really. It always seems to come up more so on a Saturday night than any other night. Because that's the time I love to be out and going wild the most. As I'm lying on the couch, watching some more tv, as per usual, I can so easily get down about it all. But then I started thinking about how I was feeling a few days or hours ago. And there was no panic then, or anxiety, or stress about how and when I can leave and go travelling again. I didn't need to stress about it, because I knew it was going to happen. So why, suddenly, do I then start panicking that I'm trapped here in Arklow?

The fact that I saw it, made me calm again. I could see why I was panicking and I also knew that it wasn't a necessity. Nothing more or nothing less is going to happen if I do or don't stress. Maybe the fact that I wasn't feeling too good, physically, didn't help matters. So I just wanted sleep, and it turned out to be another night from hell. But even so, I woke up and wasn't hating the world. Which would have usually been the case, after having silent panic attacks followed by a bad sleep. But no, I was okay.

I simply have to be. I'm secretly pushing myself, but not too much, when it comes to the effect my thoughts or the people around me can have on me. I'm constantly picking myself up and getting on with things. If I don't, then there's no way out and things look pretty bleak, no matter how happy I feel about being able to pick myself up again, without becoming emotional or depressed. But that's normal. So I don't need to analyze it. It's as it should be. And I'm only doing what I'm feeling comfortable with. Which sometimes feels like a lot, but in a good way.

So for now, I need to take it easy. Wait for this dreaded bug to pass and maybe lie in bed all day or just watch telly. Whatever. And tomorrow off to Diann. I'm not bursting and I'm not in despair. I'm okay for now. Which is nice..considering the fact that I'm not eating the delicious foods that I'd usually have..I can't because there's too much fibre in them and that's something I don't need right now. So no muesli, no orange juice, no prunes, no fruit and fibre and no normal fruit. But it's not freaking me out. So all is good.