We just don't know

I always remember, years and years ago, that I would see girls on documentaries, girls on talk shows.. Being anorexic.
So sad, so unhappy, so vulnerable, so fragile..

I would always feel so sorry for these girls. I would pity them as well. I always thought.. "Why would someone starve themselves in order to be skinny? Do they feel proud of themselves for being skinny? Does it give them a sense of achievement? Do they think they are more worthy if they can go through life being so thin? Do they think it's something other people envy? Why do they do that to themselves?"

I always thought.. God, how can they feel a sense of pride being like that? Anybody can starve themselves, anybody with willpower can just stop eating and loose an enormous amount of weight.. How can that feel like a worthy accomplishment? They look awful, are unhealthy and more importantly, they are unhappy.
I couldn't understand where that desire would come from to make themselves like that. Isn't is far more fulfilling to be in a healthy state of mind, in a strong and healthy body, being fit both mentally and physically. Isn't there a bigger sense of pride when you CAN eat whatever you want, whenever you want, you CAN indulge, you CAN stuff your face and not feel guilty about it as well as maintaining a healthy fit body and mind through exercise and being active and happy in yourself.
Isn't that something to so much prouder of?

Starving yourself, whoever, be it you or I, hears that..automatically thinks of shame, unhappiness, self loathe, hatred and bitterness. Making yourself believe that you aren't worthy of food and that you're, for some reason, supposed to end up like this. Leading yourself to believe that this is, for some insane reason, your destiny.. This is how you were meant to be.. But not being able to figure out, why on earth you have convinced yourself of this and have lived according to this belief, so strongly.

I have become one of those girls I would pity. The girls that I felt so sorry for. They always look so lost, so alone, so unhappy. Therefore they are, or more to point, we are, or getting right down to the bone, I am along, lost and unhappy.
Anybody who feels the need to put themselves through so much pain, would only do so because of unhappiness. Why else would someone make themselves suffer so much?

It makes me so sad, that I, somewhere along the line, felt the need to do this to myself. I used to always look at the human body as being something precious. Something that is not be abused, something that is valuable. So if I always would think like this, then why on earth have I abused it so much? That's something I cannot figure out. It's the only body I'll ever be given, and I have abused it so much, on purpose. Somehow I felt the need to abuse it, secretly. And it makes me angry with myself. Purposely damaging my body.. What was I thinking?
I have obviously done it for a reason.. I just don't know why.

My heart goes out to all the girls in the world, who are in the same place as me right now, or who are where I was months ago. I would just love to tell them all, if they haven't gotten help, that they need to get it NOW... The longer they ignore it, the harder it will be to recover.. the more they push, the harder it will be to push back in the "Fay" direction.
It's such an awful thing. It's so sad. And it can be so hard to understand, hard to describe and hard to fight. I don't know, I don't understand and probably never will..It's like what Diann said last week: "That's the thing Niamh, WE just don't know". Nobody knows..

Playing the game

A feeling that cannot be described
I cannot express it with words
It's empty and hollow
As well as full and stuffed
Wanting more, knowing you should
But not wanting to give in
Self loathing then follows the debate
Because you want it
But you're not allowing yourself
But other want you to
And your body tells you it needs it
But there still something else
Something inside that says no
It says that its against the rules
The rules I have lived by
The rules that would make me a better person
If I go against them I'll be a bad person
Then in being disobedient
Like a little girl I should then be punished
That's also not allowed anymore
All the rules I would obeyed by
They have become empty
They have become meaningless
So what rules am I supposed to live by now?
Who is going to tell me the new ones?
How will I know if they are the right ones?
It's unfair to change the rules, so far into the game!
Doesn't that mean it's game over?
Do I have to start all over again now?
Have I started obeying the new rules already?
Eating that muesli bar last night at 8.30
Was that a new rule I must follow?
I don't think I like this new game that much
It doesn't make me happy or feel good
The players in this new game
They are nicer than the other players
But still, this game is so much harder
It's got so many more levels
I was nearly finished the other game
I was nearly near the end
I was nearly a winner
But now.. I'm not too sure
Will I have enough lives to get to the highest level?
They say practice makes perfect
But I have to learn the new rules first
Or else I can't play the game
When I can't play, it will constantly be "game-over"
Then I'll get frustrated because I'm not getting anywhere
That's when it's crucial
That's when I'll want to give up
I won't want to play the game anymore
Not until I know I'm getting better at it
Loosing all my lives means "game-over"
Getting to the highest level means "game-over"
I wonder if I've been building up my score
I wonder if this score will give me extra lives
How many attempts? How much patience? How many lives?
Keeping the rules simple and my head clear
Concentration, focus, determination
Keep on playing.. see how far I get..

Eating machine

Can I possibly eat more?
Can I possibly feel more fat?
Can I not just make myself sick?
Can I not just clean out my body?
Can I get rid of all this food inside me?
It makes me hate myself so much.

I feel so much disgust.
I despise myself so much.
I cannot get rid of it all.
It's just there, and I can't escape from it.
It frustrates me.
It makes me angry and sad.
I'm the scum of the earth right now.
There's nothing I can do about it.
That's just the way it is.
I'm a pig, an eating machine.
When I can I stop this?
Never.. Can I not just stop?
Just for 1 day, clean out my body?
It's too much and it's going nowhere.
My throat feels like it's closed off.
Like there a sign in front of my mouth:
"Cannot and will not eat" is what it says.

Why does it have to be such a big deal?
Why is there such a thing as food?
When can my day revolving around me stuffing my face?
Who ever thought of the concept of food?
What was the point if it causes people so much pain?
It's so unfair, why does it have to rule my life?
When will it stop? When will it be dealt with?
I'm sick of it now.. I've had it..
I've been doing all I can, day in day out.
Am I done yet? Can I leave? Can I have my life back?

I'm wore out and I'm tired.
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of eating, I'm tired of worrying.
I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of regretting.
I'm tired of dreaming, I'm tired of being me.

I hate what I have done to myself.
I have brought this all on me.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I'm paying the price for my stupidity.
I'm suffering like nobody will ever believe.
Like nobody will ever understand.
All caused by me. What a stupid person I am.
What ever possessed me to do this to my body?
I will never understand the pain I'm putting myself through.
It will always remain the biggest mistake of my life.

In dark moments, these sound like music to my ears.. Because I know that there is someone else out there, who feels exactly like me.. :

"The only blame I cast is on myself, for wanting the happiness I couldn't have, and still now can't believe I deserve.."

"Lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night. The barrier and blockades keep me safe and in control while pretending I'm okay".

Today I choose...

I just came across a website and was reading about stories of victory. Women who have overcome anorexia.

An American woman said something that I linked to something I couldn't quite comprehend, not until I read this online: "I didn't feel freedom, I didn't feel liberated. I was being lived, and wasn't living my life myself. Not until I started making CHOICES for myself, not until the decisions I made were MY OWN, they were MY CHOICE, did I feel freedom".

When someone makes their own choices, that is when somebody experienced freedom. My acupuncturist, told me to do homework. Every morning for the past 4 weeks, I write down what it is I choose to do today.. It can be anything.. something big, something small.. (This is called a "mantra"=a spiritual tradition used to divert the mind from instinctual desires). Even though I knew it would give me confidence, saying this to myself everyday and acting upon these choices that I'm constantly making, I only realize now how this is linked to Anna. When I was living according to Anna, I was BEING lived by someone else. I was making choices that would be driven by Anna. Nothing else would matter. A constant drive to push her forward and to support her. She influenced every choice I made.. But if I truly listen to ME, what choices would I make.. Then it's different. Of course, some mornings I would make choices that are influenced by Anna, on bad days especially. But not always.
I only realize now, how I can benefit from this homework. Repeating it daily, forces me to be aware of who exactly is making these choices and decisions in daily life.. I will become more and more aware of who exactly is living who and also whose lead I'm following.

Another daily ritual that I have started.. I got these cards from my aunt Brigid a month ago. Every morning since then I draw a card (I might have already mentioned this), and it has inspiring and encouraging words. Depending on the day, how I'm feeling and what I'm doing, I can try to get some sort support from these. They aim at helping you live in the here and now.
The one I drew today, was the one I have been able to relate to the most.. It says:
"Today I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time".
This is so closely linked to the "choice" I make more often than not, each morning.. I often choose the same choice in the mornings, to force myself to get better, and that's: "Today I choose to just let myself be". By this I mean, I'm not going to push myself, I am not going to over-analyze (the microscope mentioned on the card I drew this morning) things, I am going to eat all the things I'm supposed to, I'm will switch off to any feelings of discomfort, not think about how bad I'm feeling for eating..and just be.. (most days just "being" is the only thing I can deal with).

By saying this to myself each morning (and I must remind myself of the choice I have made throughout the day), I'm forcing myself to listen to Fay and to forget Anna. I'm switching off, I'm pretending. So I'm controlling the situation, I'm in charge and I'm living the way I want to live at this present moment. Keeping this up, being able to battle on, in this manner will give me freedom, is every sense of the word.

Forever in debt

Support.. It comes from everywhere
Different shapes, forms and sizes
Forever I'll be so grateful
Words cannot ever describe

The feeling it gives someone just to know
That there is always someone there
Just right "there"
But not knowing where "there" exactly is

We come to depend on people
We would have never thought possible
Never dared dreaming
What would have become without them

Saying "thank you" is never enough
When something so huge is at stake
2 little words in return for health
2 little words in return for a life

I say it too much to people I love
It seems to become meaningless
When repeated so often
Words become shamefully empty

By never forgetting the extremes
By always cherishing my nearest
By feeling their joy as well as pain
And by remaining forever joyfully in debt..

The Mirror

For the first time in my life, if my memory isn't letting me down, I got a fright when I looked in the mirror.

Last week, it was one of my good days, and I was feeling on top of the world. Inside I felt glorious, I felt like I didn't have a worry in the world. Everything was going be grand, I was loving life.. Until I suddenly spotted myself in the mirror..
I could hear myself thinking: "Oh my god.. Is that me.. How on earth can I feel so great, but look so awful?" It was Fay that was talking to me.
I haven't been able to forget that moment, it seems to have stuck in my mind. I just couldn't figure out how it was possible for these 2 to become so distanced from each.. worlds apart.

Everybody knows those mornings when they have a spring in their step, when they are in a happy mood, and they look in the mirror, and think: "Yeah, I'm looking good today..there's nothing wrong with me". But everybody also knows those days when they hate the world, don't want to go to work, are p*ssed off, and they look in the mirror and think: "O no, can I not just have a face lift right here, right now?".
I have never experienced it otherwise, until last week. And that's also when I knew.. O no, if I'm feeling so "on top of the world" and I cannot bear the look of myself, there really is a lot of work to be done. Inside and out..
Working on both, so hard and so confusing..

Just looking in the mirror can be almost traumatizing..
There is something unnerving about being forced to look at yourself when you are unwilling to come to terms with something. Something raw and real that you cannot run away from. You can lie to yourself, to your mind all the time, but when you look yourself in the face, well, you know that you're lying. I am not OK. That, I did not hide from myself, and the truth of it stared me in the face.

I would like to be able to say that, despite going through this right now, I look exactly the same, a little wore out and tired, but the same. Unfortunately I can't. I have become a totally changed person, compared to a year ago. I seem to have become someone that people would look at and just know is going through bad times.
On the other hand, the mirror also told me this: you can't know EVERYTHING by looking at me. You can never know by looking at someone.

Whenever anybody hears the word: anorexic, they see a certain image. That image is of a girl, just skin and bone.. a large head (because the rest of the body has become so small and fragile, the head obviously doesn't "shrink".. so it seems larger and creates the image of a cartoon character), skinny neck, a slightly arched upper back... It's like "they" all end up looking the same.. Every Anna ends up looking the same. Once upon a time, a healthy person, with a distinguished look, with a full and happy face, looking young and fresh, now just like any other Anna..she has created what she set out to do..mission accomplished.

Once I start to see that the mirror does not lie anymore, then I know I'm on the up. It depends on the day, if the mirror is lying or not.. If it's lying, I'm seeing an elephant, if it's being honest, I'm Anna trying so hard to become Fay.

Letting go of the log..

Life is a river gushing by, where I had discovered the log
The log called Anna, that I was holding on to so tight
She was so safe, she made me feel strong and good
I trusted her judgment, I trusted her with my life

Loved ones were on the bank of the river offering me their hand
But I doubted my ability and willpower to do what I knew was right
I didn't think I could make it, I didn't think I would survive
Such a massive challenge, leaving a log so safe to struggle and to fight

Several attempts are being made, the log must be left behind
Support is cheering me on, willing for me to finally let her go
I'm trying my hardest, every minute of everyday with everything I've got
But the log will always be there, Can I forever resist and say no?

She has been let go, that is one thing I know for sure
For now I'm reaching and battling in the river and it's grime
I'm now in between, in the midst of believing in Anna and Fay
I will win it eventually but WHEN a for HOW LONG.. It's now only question of time..

A boring lesson on energy levels..(not worth reading)

A little lesson on energy.
A body cannot perform in any way, without enough energy, just like you can’t drive a car without gas or watch TV without electricity. Pretty logical, I suppose, but it's so much more than that.

A burst of energy now and then.. A feeling of weakness follows so abruptly..
Extremely high or an all-time low..
Physical energy or mental energy? Which one is being triggered? Which one makes me feel the way I sometimes feel?

If someone has too much physical energy they can feel nervous, have increased heart rate, tight muscles and rapid breathing. If someone has too little physical energy they can feel tired, lethargic and too relaxed.
If someone has too much mental energy they can have racing thoughts, negative thoughts, worry too much and cannot concentrate. If someone has too little mental energy they can be unmotivated, have a "don't care" attitude and drifting thoughts.

Energy that a person has can be either "zapped" or "charged". Certain things can have certain effects. Which is pretty logical, such as poor sleep, not eating well and stress can "zap" energy levels and listening to music, being confident and active can "charge" energy levels.
Once a person can recognize the symptoms that come from having energy levels that are either too high or too low, they can work on creating the balance. The key is to use the energy in the proper dosages.

When energy isn't balanced out, a person can become extremely moody. A person cannot identify why the mood is taking such dramatic changes, in such short spaces of time. And because the energy isn't used in the most effective way, this person can never rationalize, think straight and see why they feel and react in certain ways. Putting good foods into the body will stimulate this rationalization.

In my case, mood swings like there's no tomorrow, I can see the link between food, energy levels and the mood swings. Constantly I'm either "zapped" or "charged", be it either physically and mentally. My moods change like the Irish weather. Soon they should start to steady.. or so I've been told. I just need to be aware, that the new found energy that I will start to feel, and have been feeling due to increased food-intake along with the acupuncture, I have to balance it out and store it at the same time. This diagram indicates my moodiness.. Still up and down at present time.. but slowly on the up..

Homemade quotes

After a lot of reading and listening and writing.. I have some quotes that can mean a lot of different things, can interpreted in different ways, but all hold a certain amount of truth.

"Trying to create simplicity by making rules, building walls, obtaining rituals and shutting oneself off only complicates this unpredictable life even more".

"Facing up to problems, looking them in the eye and dealing with them, means these problems are worthy of being solved and therefore heartship and struggles will never go unrewarded."

"The magician of life has cruelly revealed his cards and it isn't magic at all, just a mere trick of the mind, or even a lie".

"Everyone want happiness, nobody wants pain;
But you can't have a rainbow, without a little rain"

Has Niamh got any wise words for Niamh today..
"Whatever gives you that extra boost, whatever gets you through the day, to try stay on top of things or just let them come crashing down around you..It's up to you, it's your choice, it's your responsibility. Reach for support if you need it, shut yourself off if that's what is required. The actions you take will have a certain reaction which will help you move, whether it be forward or backwards. You never stand still, you never stop because this is life"..

Fresh Air, Rainy Days & Sunshine

When the days starts, there will either be a bright sun in the sky or it will be overcast and cloudy. It will either rain or it won't. Maybe some showers throughout the day. Maybe it's torrential or just a little bit of drizzle.

It can determine a person's day. Bad weather can cause for a bad mood.. Good weather can cause for a good mood. People will give out and talk about. People will have meaningless conversations about it. People will analyze it. This annoys me beyond belief..
In my case, I don't want the sun to shine. To me, it's depressing when it does. Because that's when I wish I wasn't in my current position. The sunshine does me more bad than good. I have no means of enjoying it, when it does shine due to the fact that I have to rest and do as little as possible. Whenever the sun shines, that's when people want to start living. People get energized from the sun. This is probably the case for me as well, and also more than likely the reason why I don't want it to shine. Any energy I get, I need to force myself to save it, by not living a life. This gets me down.

So I'm glad when it rains, I'm glad when it pours. All day long. It forces me to stay indoors. I don't have to be confronted with the fact that I'm not doing and living the way I want to.
In a way, the rain even makes me happy, it makes me feel relieved.. It takes off the pressure and I can just be. That is, after all, the only thing I'm doing at the moment, I'm just "being".

Stepping outside the door, isn't as easy and carefree as I would want it to be. The past few weeks, I haven't wanted to go outside. The air is just so "in your face". The slightest bit of wind, just makes me feel so bad. It tires me. It's takes a lot of effort. I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding going out. But it's like, my body tells me, as soon as I step outside the door, that I have to get back indoors as soon as possible. Whenever I'm outside, all I can think about is my bed.. All I want to do is go back to bed. Then when I do get back home, I don't go to bed, but I rest.
Is this what old age is going to be like? Is this how 80-year olds feel? Do they struggle so much as well, just doing normal things that everyone takes for granted? If so, I feel for them so much..

Fresh air, clears the head, refreshes the mind, and vitalizes the soul. I'm usually such a "fan" of the outdoors. I would usually hate being cooped up inside. There is nothing better and more energizing than the great outdoors. I always would dream of living in a country that has that "outdoor lifestyle".. That to me is the best way to live your life.. In a country where the weather isn't an issue, where it goes without saying that people live their lives breathing fresh, clean, warm air.. To me, that's paradise.. Working, living and being outside.
Maybe I was meant to feel this way towards "the outside world" right now, for me to appreciate the great outdoors even more. I never imagined that I would ever hear myself saying that I would rather be cooped up inside.. Just goes to show.. But it's all for a reason. And 1 day I will find out why.
In the meantime.. let it pour!

Update Wednesday 27-08-08

I ended yesterday on a high note and I started today on a high note..
I'm keeping it there, and have told myself not to over analyze anything.. I'm not going to ruin this day by wearing myself out. Steady as she goes..

My extra food for this week, is tofu.. a good source of protein. I have to eat 1 portion, cut it up into small pieces and munch on it throughout the day. This makes it easier to eat because it doesn't feel like I am eating a large extra amount. It's pretty tasty, well with lots of herbs and spices anyhow. So we will see how it goes. I also have to have an extra half portion of either rice or noodle (my carbohydrates). So, full steam ahead.. And I keep on eating..

I don't feel too bloated or full right now, which is a very nice feeling. For now, it's not making me feel bad. I have taught myself to switch off the feeling of fear, that comes from feeling full or from feeling like I'm digesting food (this can scare Anna as it's a sign that my body is starting to adjust). I have also taught myself to switch off the feeling of fear, that comes from feeling hungry (this will also scare Anna as it's a sign that I need food). I have started to feel hunger pangs on a regular basis and I try to act on them. Usually the pangs start just when I have to have to eat something or take my supplement drink. So that works, for now anyhow. I switch off Anna, I try everyday. I works on good days and it's harder on bad days and takes so much more determination. But I will keep trying. I will keep on eating, no matter what voice I'm trying to either ignore or to listen to.

Yesterday, at dinner, I think I took a miniature baby step.. Mam was making quiche, with eggs and pastry (obviously), salmon, onion, peppers and cheese. I haven't had this is years. I had already checked the box to see what fats were in the pastry.. and there was 10 grams of fat per 100 grams(if there is more than 5 grams of fat or sugar per 100 grams, then it's NOT a healthy option..). I would usually avoid eggs like the plague. Mam asked me if I wanted to have some, she suggested I could eat the same dinner as them. This hasn't happened in I don't know how long because I always want to prepare my own food as I then know exactly what's in it. I was so tempted so say that I would make my own dinner, but I forced myself to say yes.. The nearer dinnertime got, the more panicked I was feeling. At the very last minute I wanted to say that I wouldn't be able to eat it.. But I didn't. I made myself sit down and eat the same as the rest, even though I hadn't prepared it myself and knowing that it wasn't a healthy option. I ate it and it didn't take me forever. It took so much for me to switch off all these "buttons" in my head, but I did. I thought I might break down afterwards, but I didn't. I stayed strong, I didn't let it ruin my mood, I didn't let it ruin my night, like it usually would have done. An hour later I had forgotten about it. Usually I would be stressing about the whole night and I would be tormented with guilt and gross feelings.
So, I think I took a baby step there, even though it took so much strength. Unreal. But I did! It was after all a Tuesday, a good day, and I made the most of it.

I also went to acupuncture yesterday. I don't know if you remember what went on last week, but Mr. Acupuncturist wanted me to have a half a slice of toast last, extra everyday. This freaked me out and I wasn't too sure if I would and could do it. He wanted to know how it went. I told him honestly, that I tried it a few times, but it didn't work out too well. Eating it made me feel so disgusting and I could not figure out how on earth I was benefiting from this half a slice of toast.. (even though Mam said "you swear he asked me to climb the mount everest".. Well, figure of speech, I am climbing a mountain here, so yeah, he asked to climb a few km's up the mountain.. and I didn't make, I failed and don't care. This sounds ridiculous to everyone right now, but I don't really care).
Having that toast, just totally muddled up my "eating pattern" that I'm following with Diann. He was interfering with it, and Diann said that it was uncalled for. So I had to tell him.. Yeah, I am so assertive man!! I said to him I'm following one person's eating advice, and that's Diann, otherwise it gets too confusing. Mr. Acupuncturist soon went very quiet.. There you go, that telling him and he toast where to go!!! Stick to what you do best mate.. (I just hope that I haven't created this "fobia" of eating toast or bread now.. like the "banana incident" weeks ago..)

The treatment itself was a glorious one. I had the same amount of needles as last week, and the same length of time (50 minutes). It didn't hurt like it did last week and I didn't feel sickly either. I felt relaxed, as if I was floating, my hands went numb and then my legs. I got fuzzy sensations in my head and was literally on another planet (or back on the beach in Thailand). Then, all of a sudden, about 10 minutes before the treatment was finished, I felt this rush going right straight through me, starting in my stomach all the way to my head, my eyes jumped open and it was a major rush of energy.. It was so strange.. kind of freaky at the same time.. And then I felt all floaty again, like I was flying.. and relaxed at the same time. This probably sounds real vague, but so nice. I felt it working and it was definitely doing me some good.

Having the acupuncture yesterday, also made my already "good Tuesdays", even better.
I didn't mind having conversations (except at the very hard time during dinner), I was feisty, I had energy and people were positively getting on my nerves and I was able to say so.. I was short fused, but it was nice to be that way, I haven't felt that in weeks. It's a sign that my stress levels have been stimulated, which is good. Seeing as though sometimes (and these are Mam's words) I seem so laid back that I'm nearly horizontal.. Even last night, Mam, Eileen and I went to Tesco's. We needed to pick up some bits. I swear, I have never experienced such a stressful visit to the supermarket in all my life. Even though it was 9 o clock on a Tuesday night. It wasn't busy, we didn't need alot of shopping.. But I was extremely stressed. I didn't look like I was, but I felt it.. Big time.. (Eileen even said afterwards.. "Isn't it nice just to have a browse around on a evening..".. I couldn't believe that I was only one who thought it was stressful.. the acupuncture..all this energy I reckon..)
Right enough about that.. Moving on..

I had a glorious sleep too.. Was extremely relaxed. That doesn't happen often, so when it does, it's so nice! I have been going to bed around 12 and would be a sleep by 1, after some reading. When I go to bed at night, I don't really think.. "O no, what am I going to do tomorrow" (only when I've been in house for days on end). I cannot compare the feeling of not working at the moment to being unemployed. When you're unemployed, it can be hard getting up in the morning, because you don't have a reason to get out of bed. You have to keep yourself motivated. But in my case, when I go to bed at night, I know I have to get up at a reasonable hour (I'm an early bird anyhow, so no problems), because it's another day of sticking to my eating-patterns. I have to be up and out of bed, or else I wouldn't have any routine and I wouldn't be working at getting well. It's not like the saying "another day, another dollar". But in my case "another day, another chance to beat Anna". So it's not like I go to work. It's not like I'm unemployed either. I do have a reason to get out of bed in the morning and that's to recover and to eat. Everyday, trying to step forward, trying to regain energy, trying to work through things, trying to store calories. So I shouldn't really feel useless on days that I'm bored, because I'm doing good. I'm not wasting away time, I'm working through this. Everyday. And if 1 day I fail, I get a shot at it again, tomorrow. I can do it all over. If a particular eating pattern doesn't work for me one day, then I can change the approach the following day. If I try to push myself too hard one day, I know to take a step back the next.
(huummmm, interesting.. maybe I could stick this on my resume, once it's all over and done with.. and then at the job interview, future boss says: "I see here, you have spent ?months being anorexic, now tell me what were your tasks and how will this company benefit from you having fulfilled this position in the past?".. Well.. "I am now fully able to eat for Ireland (and Holland if you like), cook amazing meals, ask me the amount of fat and calories and sugar in anything edible I can tell you, I have determination, willpower, I believe I can achieve anything and last not least I have the strength and energy of an ox." So, what do you reckon.. Will I get the job? Right, getting totally side-tracked and I'm not just joking ofcourse.

But, just making the point, that I'm not wasting time.
I'm trying to pace myself today. Listening to my body. Had a visit from my Da earlier on, was good, but a conversation of a half an hour was tiring. So now, time to relax.. I want to save as much of that energy I got from the acupuncture yesterday, as I can, so I'm signing off for now..

The Homefront

Tuesdays are always good. I always feel so normal. I always feel so light.
It's great, and it's all because of the sessions I have had on the Monday evening. It seems to work wonders. I always feel re-energized, I feel on top of things, and I feel positive in life and positive about getting better. I always want to eat and do as much as I can in order to get better. The Tuesdays.. How uplifting they are..
(just wanted to get that off my chest)

It always feels so great after processing everything in my mind and whilst writing this. However I have come to realize (partially because it was mentioned yesterday when I was with Diann) that certain things I write can have a big impact on all my nearest and dearest. The fact that it would touch so many people, never entered my mind and the fact that it would only make people more concerned never entered my mind either. I feel slightly naive and guilty having to admit this. On bad days, I sometimes am not even aware of what I'm writing, I just babble on and on.. I literally start typing and don't think twice about what I'm actually saying.. It's like autopilot.. I then click on the "publish post" button and it's gone. I don't read it back. I haven't read anything back. Once it's out there, it's out there and that's it.. for me it's gone.. for now anyhow.

We spoke about this yesterday with Diann. I thought initially Mam wanted me to tone it down.. But that's not what it was. She was aiming at the fact that it can be scary to read. Mainly because it's real life. But this blog, to me, it's my only out-let. Here at home, I don't really speak much about how I feel anymore. It's easier for me just not to speak, especially on my bad days or weak days. I don't want to have to think about talking to get out all of my frustration, it takes too much energy and effort..
This blog is my "saving grace". Sometimes I know I might be too honest, too blunt, too open about everything. But I don't want to have to lie, I don't want to have to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not. What's the point in that? Honesty is always the best policy however at the same time it maybe me being selfish. Putting loved ones through this as well. But I have to be selfish at this moment in time, I have to focus on what's best for me right now, I'm the only one who knows how I can deal with this in best possible way and I'm the only one who knows what going on in my head.
So even though it may be hard to read at times, I don't mean to be so blunt, I don't mean to scare anybody, I don't mean any harm. I'm dealing with these thoughts as they come along and as best I possibly can, and there's no other way I can deal with them at the moment than the way I have been doing for the past weeks.. and that's through writing..
Please don't worry about how horrific they have seemed. I would never ever do anything to harm myself. Really I wouldn't (Diann even asked me yesterday..) You can take my word for it. You see, the thing about this blog; you know that every thought that has come into my head the past 8 weeks, has come up in at least one of my posts at one stage or another.. that's how honest I am. Me being so honest about all this, is probably a godsend, especially to my mam, because I don't hold back. At least this way, she (and probably the whole world..haha..only joking) knows what's going on "upstairs".. how horrendous it sometimes may seem. Being so open about it all, can make me feel "exposed".. But I have no more shame.. I am who I am, that's it.. I have nothing to hide.

For my Mam it's extremely difficult reading these, I do try to see this. The fact that I don't want to hear her feedback doesn't make it easier. But I don't want to hear feedback from anyone really. In emails and comments, I love it and I need it, I appreciate it and they help me so much. When they are written down, I have space. If I'm feeling down, bad or depressed I can shut them off, and read them the next day.. Which is all good.. I have to choice if I want to confront myself with them or not. But when I actually hear the words out loud, it's hard. I have no control over what is going to be said and don't know if I'll be able to deal with it or not. They can make me feel so bad even on a good day.

Mam can deal with it so well.. We talk about this as well with Diann. We come to "arrangements" on how to deal with these certain little situations that arise, we figure out a "game-plan" if you like, with Diann, we agree on it, and it's grand. Because my mood swings can be horrendous.. to put it mildly. Here, at home, we all deal with them real well (or Mam, Eileen and Sean deal with them really well.. I just strop about like a 13 year old.) Whenever I don't talk, I just don't talk and I'm quiet and withdrawn and everyone just leaves me alone. Which is what I want and it's fine. But being quiet doesn't necessarily mean that I'm grumpy. It can be that I'm emotional and sad or just tired. Mam, Eileen and Sean deal with it so well. They can sense it straight away and if not, I'll soon let them know that it's not a day for talking. Everybody just goes about their business, they carry on laughing and joking and being in good moods and that's all grand. I just shut off to it all. It doesn't make me more pissed off. It doesn't make me sad or happy either because I have shut off for a reason, and that's so as not to have to communicate or be apart of the here and now. I don't want to be apart of the "fuss and commotion", it's my choice and therefore it's okay.
I'm glad they just let me be in my mood and that they understand why I'm all over the place. I'm glad they don't tippy toe around me (sometimes I might be paranoid and think that they are.. but this isn't the case) and that they don't think any less of me by having to live with me in my current state.
I couldn't have wished for better company to be around, whilst banning Anna from my life.. Thanking you from the bottom of my heart xxx

Dr. Diann beats Dr. Phil anyday...

Session number 7..
After Diann having her holidays, I had waited 2 very long weeks for this session. It felt like forever.. I only realized how much I "cling" to these sessions with her, and how much good they do.. I seem to have started to live from one session to the next, just like most people live from weekend to weekend..

I had so much that I wanted to tell her, to discuss and to ask her, that I actually made a list.. I had it in my pocket, but of course I didn't take it out during the session.. It just gave me mind a little bit of peace, instead of worrying that I was going to forget something that I wanted to say.

I didn't know where to start.. What HAD happened 2 weeks? Well, my sisters had been over to visit, my mates Wendy and Janneke had been over for the weekend, I had been to acupuncture, I had positive days, I had 1 extremely low day, a few days without any energy, a day here and there with aches and pains, I had my appointment at the hospital, had added some extra muesli and stopped and started different kinds of medication.
An eventful 2 weeks.. well in my case anyhow.
All this, as well as achieving many realizations.. The visit from Wendy and Janneke and my sisters was great and I needed it. I also seen it as a "new starting point" in this whole process. The day they left, I said to myself, "right, this is it Niamh, from now on you are going to get as much rest as possible, and just do absolutely NOTHING, and concentrate on getting better".. I saw it as a "new chapter". It worked, well for the first days anyhow. I stayed indoors last week, just about every day.. I rested, I went to bed in the afternoon, I was just forcing myself to do as little as possible. The only time I went outside the house was to acupuncture, to the supermarket and for a drive on Saturday.. o yeah, and I also went on an adventure to the petrol station, just up the road on Sunday (I shouldn't have done that.. It totally wrecked me). Anyhow, I still have to see that chapter as ongoing.. Which means I still must rest and not let Anna slowly creep back in.. Because that is exactly what happens.. full of positive thoughts you force yourself to be good to yourself and listen to your body.. and that starts off well for a few days.. and ever so sneaky Anna tries to muscle her way back in by telling me to walk to the petrol station.. That's why it's so important to see Diann every week.. Because missing a week, the positivity and drive to get better just slowly disappears..And I simply need a "kick up the backside" every week to keep on top of it.. or else all the good work just goes down the drain...
Right, getting slightly side-tracked here...

As I was saying, I didn't go out much last week. Then I told her about my "All-time-low-day" on Thursday.. First of all? What triggered it? Why were you feeling so low Niamh? Well... Basically I was sick of feeling full, bloated, fat and disgusting. I didn't want to eat anymore, it was tiring having to constantly stuff myself and not being able to digest anything. I wanted to give my stomach a rest for a while, from working so hard.. but I wasn't allowed, and it felt like it was NEVER going to stop.. It was never ending.. Because I will always have to keep on eating.. no matter what.. But still asking myself "when is this awful feeling going to stop?".. Well, it won't, not until my body can digest, that's the only time I'll stop feeling so gross.. And for this to happen (for my body to start digesting) I need to keep on feeding myself and training my body to accept food. I need to get past this disgusting stage.. Being so aware of this fact as I was on that dreaded Thursday, only made me frustrated and angry.. And there was nothing I could do, only eat and post blogs.. I did take out my frustration on the witch in hotpress (she is now headless and legless).. Just as I was calming down, it was all triggered again when I received an email from a mate saying how well I'm doing.. This set the ball rolling.. I got so upset, I went ballistic.. I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know what was happening and I just couldn't deal with it.. What is "it" I hear yourself ask.. I can't answer that, because I don't know.

I discussed this outburst with Diann.. Why did that email make me so upset? Well, the fact that people think I'm doing so well, when I'm not (especially not the moment I read that anyway), or when I'm feeling so bad.. Makes me feel awful. It makes me realize that nobody really understands what I'm going through and this in turn makes me feel alone. The fact the people think I'm doing well, and I am, makes me want to make myself sicker again.. Because Anna doesn't want me to feel well.. she doesn't feel that I deserve to get better.. She doesn't want me to eat and be happy and live a normal life.. So if someone says that I'm doing well, depending on the day, it can come a real punch.. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". That's the thing with anorexia.. it's such a complex illness, people dealing with it can hardly comprehend what goes on, let alone family and friends...
I felt so bad, for these sweet kind words to have such an effect on me.. But I couldn't help it. I feel bad now, writing this. I don't want anyone to feel bad, and I don't want anyone to hold back either in their emails. I don't want anyone to feel guilty either. I want everyone to be able to just say what they're thinking.. be it good or bad.. If it's to give me "kick up the backside" or to pay me compliment or offer me encouraging words.. I really do appreciate it all, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.. Reading your comments and having your support, is all part of process for me right now, and I need to read them. Okay, yes, it can trigger a lot, or just set the ball rolling...Sometimes I need this, to deal with it, and go through the motions of it all.. It has to be done sooner or later.. and sooner it's done the better, at least then it's out of the way. So please don't feel bad, guilty or anything. Every comment and every bit of support I need and cherish...

I'm not exactly able to explain what was going on in my head those whole 5 hours of insaneness last Thursday.. But.. Diann to the rescue..
Not knowing what exactly is going on "upstairs", could be because over the years I have always been on top of life, always going and doing things I have dreamed of and being happy and not letting anyone see if and why I actually wasn't.. This builds up over the years... until it reaches boiling point and now, dealing with Anna is bringing other things to surface and I don't know what it is.. But I had to let it out.. and if it's a comment that someone has made, then so be it.. "Better out than in!" is my motto. Not knowing what's going on inside my head, is freaky, but with time I should start to figure out what these issues are and deal with them.. The head wrecking turmoil, the mess that has somehow been created, needs sorting and I reckon that's what's happening now. Diann also said, that the acupuncture could have influenced it, because it would have stimulated certain energies that I haven't been feeling for so long. Which, in the long run, will be extremely beneficial..

In a way, and I never realized it until last night, until Diann pointed it out, I'm putting myself through therapy. We spoke alot about my blog and about how often I write and what, and how important it is to me.. She said that it is great that I'm doing this.. But were I to be in hospital, in the state I am right now, I wouldn't be allowed to be put through any kind of therapy because I'm physically not strong enough to deal with it.. It takes a lot out of a healthy person, to go through the therapy I'm supposedly putting myself through.. let alone a person in my condition. I thought..huummm..?? I'm putting myself through therapy? By writing and analyzing the way I do, Diann says that I am. This actually shocked me.. I didn't see this as therapy in any way, shape or form.. But after thinking about it.. Maybe she is right.. And by doing this to myself, putting myself through this, I am putting more pressure on myself.. Not only dealing with this illness, food, weight and the emotions that come along with as well as having left my life behind in holland but I am also putting myself through a whole different process.. and that's the process of finding out what this turmoil in my head is all about...

Most of time I don't realize how much extreme the effect can be on myself, physically and mentally, while dealing with all these issue combined. Is it really any wonder why I'm feeling so bad from day to day.. why I'm feeling so tired.. Why I'm feeling so gross on the inside.. Why I'm feeling so full and empty at the same time..? It's only when I hear it from someone else, someone I know who understands what I'm going through, as Diann's dealt with her own personal Anna as well, it hits home.. It does make me realize why this is so hard for me and that it will take time before I come out the other end.

Going through all these emotions, feelings, strain and pressure puts your body through so much. It puts anyone's body through stress and pain.. anybody in a healthy position would feel how intense certain kinds of "head wrecking torture" can be. It eats away at you.. without realizing.. Prime example.. My mam, whenever she is stressed she loses weight.. it eats away at her, even though she would eat.. it just puts her body through so much more, it literally "takes it out of her".. and everybody who takes so much out of their soul, needs to put something back in as well.. to create the balance.. to feed the soul, to recuperate and to feel human again.. If you don't put anything good back in, the soul, the mood and therefore any positive outlook that once was had, sinks to an all time low..
For a person in normal circumstances, putting back into the soul, would mean doing something the re-energizes and switch off the "head wrecking".. A few examples.. a walk on the beach, taking a bath and pampering, reading a book, watching a movie, going for a hike... Just things that make appreciate life and make you feel like new again..
"What has this got to do with me?", I hear you ask yourself. Well, just like many people, I haven't been putting enough back into myself. Dealing with so many issues is also "taking it out of me". I'm not only talking food wise (of course, in my case, this is also a big issue, but not the only issue). So I need to start feeding my soul, not only through my mouth... I need to re-energize my body, I need to be putting back into my soul all that I'm taking out.. What feeds my soul? Usually I would answer.. A long walk, with my favorite tunes on my ipod... But at the moment.. A stroll on the beach? Not an option (not just yet anyhow) because I can't seem to deal with too much fresh air (sounds stupid), but any amount of wind and I'm wrecked.. Sitting in the back garden on a nice day? I could do that (not that "nice days" come along that often here..). Listening to my ipod? That could work.. Reading? That's already become my number one pass-time (but it has to be an easy read, and not something you could compare to an encyclopedia, which I would be tempted to do...). Going for a drive? I love that.. Just sitting in the car, looking out the window.. I especially love it when it's raining.. that means I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much by not being able to enjoy the good weather..
So, as informed and advised by Diann:.. "I must resource myself, I must feed my soul".. I can do that.. No problem...

BUT.. there was a very big but, to all this "dealing-with-my-head-that-can-be-discribed-as-an-emotional-mess" (not too sure if that's proper english or not..) and the "head wrecking" and thus the analyzing.. I have to be careful not to overdo it. This is something I have been told before.. by a some people who are "spiritually well-educated".. (sounds a bit strange maybe, don't know what other name to give), that I'm a thinker.. but too much at times.. and I need to be careful not to overdo it.. Because it will literally drive me insane.. which I have already experienced, and probably will do in the future again. But I know that it's something I have to work on. Diann pointed this out. She said, work through it, write about it, but then "LET IT GO AND LET YOURSELF FELL LIKE SH*T..".. Because it's obviously for a reason and analyzing it isn't going to make it go away, so just let it be.. who cares? Trying to push it away by finding an answer as to Why we feel this way, will probably be a more painful process than just letting ourselves feel what they are feeling at that present time.. So in other words..Be true to what you are feeling, don't analyze, and don't pretend and go through the motions..


It's all so complex.. It's all so much.. A session with Diann is so intense.. When I look back on it now, it's like I wasn't even there, it was like one of those "out-of-body" experiences (that I have had so often the past 2 months). So strange.. I can't explain how it feels.. But when I'm there, I start talking and talking.. it's like a badly prepared mumbled up speech, when I get to the stage that my heart is racing and I'm nearly out of breath and I don't know what I'm trying to say, I can't make sense of what's coming out, and I have totally forgotten the point I was wanting to make..
And then Diann takes over and tries her best to make sense of it all, and comes out the most inspiring opinions and information.. and I sit there, concentrating, trying to take in everything that she says (sometimes i would want to start taking notes).. whilst listening to her I can hear myself repeating to myself what she was saying.. trying to write it on my mental block, whilst making sense of what she's saying at the same time and trying to make another mental note of what I want to say about all this new information or what I want to ask about it... How tiring.. and then I start ranting again.. This goes on for a hour, sometimes a little longer.. but it's over so quickly and it's never long enough.. At the same time, afterwards I always feel like I've done a work-out. But I'm always relieved as well on the way back in the car.. Thank god, it's over for a week.. Let's see how I get through the next.. And then I try to switch off on the way back in the car.. However I can never stop myself from trying to process all the information straight away. I have to force myself to stop thinking about it, because at that moment I'm too tired to make proper sense of it all. But at the same time, worried that if I stop thinking about it all, that I will forget what she said and that it will be a wasted session (I know that's never the case.. but still.. that's something I will always worry about).. I then debate about whether or not to write on my blog the same evening or the next morning.. The next day I know that I will be able to think clearer. On the other hand, if I wait until the morning, I won't have a proper night sleep.. So it's a "catch 22" situation... This week I decided to wait until the morning.. And I did have a bad night sleep because of it... But I didn't have the energy to write properly last night, and I knew that I would be able to write something worthwhile in the morning..
(well, I hope it's worthwhile.. for me it always is..)

I know there is a lot more than what I have now written, that I took from yesterdays session.. But for now, this is it..I'm beat for now. I know what I have to do, I've gotten my weekly "kick up the backside".. I have new issues that have arisen and slowly I will deal with them.
Diann really is the Irish Dr. Phil..

Independence

The past 2 days I haven't had the strength or desire to figure out who is in my head all day long. I've switched both Anna and Fay off and have constantly just been eating.
I have gotten to the stage where I am just wore out and am tired of thinking and analyzing food.. It's driving me mad..

Instead I have found something else to obsess and analyze.. All I can think about is traveling.. I want to get out of here so badly.. It's always on my mind, but the past few days the urge is getting more and more.. So much so that not being able to travel at the moment is making me feel more depressed than Anna is making me feel.

I feel so smothered and claustrophobic. I need to "spread my wings".. All by myself.. I need to just go, where ever the wind takes me. Every night, before I go to sleep I'm jetting off somewhere on a plane because in my dreams "the world is my oyster". Dreaming and imagining.. It's just me and my backpack.. Me and my buddy, we used have such a close connection.
Getting slightly sidetracked..
This feeling of being smothered makes me feel like a child and I don't want this anymore. Constantly feeling like I'm being watched and observed. It's getting too much. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I NEED to feel like I can still live my own life, BY MYSELF. I need to be my own person again. So badly. I scares me to think I don't have this anymore. It freaks me out. It's also heading spinning knowing that I once had all these things.. It seems crazy and insane that such a dramatic change of direction have caused me to loose all this. It's gone and I need to fight so hard for it to be mine again. That feeling of being free in making my own decisions and living my own life, that I always took for granted, seems to have to taken away from me, Anna has taken over.

Am I scared that I'm not able to make my own decisions like I used to? Am I scared that my ability to be able depend on myself alone, has been taken away from me? Am I scared that I won't have the confidence anymore to do the things I want in this life?

Freedom, Confidence and Independence.. Are they linked? To be free is to be independent. A person can be free, even whilst having responsibilities. People may think that only people who travel, experience the ultimate feeling of freedom. But this isn't the case. A person can feel liberated just by knowing that the place they have come from and the place they are going in life, has been their own choice and that every decision or plan that is made, can be changed but only achieved by living and doing it themselves. Isn't this independence as well?

To achieve these certain things in life, you need confidence. Does it make, achieving things, easier? Can we be without it? Where does it actually come from? It's not like a character trade, or is it? A person doesn't come from the whom with confidence..
A person who is independent, has it in their genes.. Right? (My mother would always tell the story of my first day at school, when I was 4. My schoolbag on my back, no tears, so small and so independent at the same time (this is how my mother recalls it anyhow). On my second day I was already wanting to go on Sean Carey's schoolbus, I didn't want or need Mam to bring me). So surely it's in my genes? Where has it gone now then? Has it left me in the lurch? Is it taking a time-out?

To admit that my independence and confidence aren't "all there" at this present moment, makes me feel like such a failure. I was always the one with confidence, it was never an issue, never something I lacked, I was just always me.. Take it, or leave it.. See if I care..
Am I still like that? I really don't have a clue. Admitting that I've lost these things that partially made me the person I used to be, is like owning up to loosing apart of myself. I always thought I knew myself pretty well. But now, I'm not too sure if I did. Has it just altered slightly for me to deal with Anna? Or have I been fooling myself all these years? Have I been pretending to myself and everyone else that I am someone I'm not?
But whilst typing this, I know full well that it isn't the case. I know I have never tried to be someone I'm not. No.
So now, I need to find it all again? In order to be able to live the life that I want I need to find my confidence and independence, and I'll feel and be free again.

(P.S. Where on earth will I find and rediscover them both? Maybe I forgot to pack them when I was leaving Australia or Asia.. That would be a great excuse for me to return haha ;))