A new found confidence that was never there before
Something suddenly appealing only wanting for more
From one day to the next an issue that is solved
A bubble that once felt as if deflated and dissolved
It was gone or lost and I thought I'd never own it
Now I see it wasn't meant to last and I could have known it
That all would soon be familiar but a little more special
It comes with health and vibrancy for that to be made official
With confidence there comes a warmth, a glow and a smile
And nothing is no longer impossible as I go that extra mile
It needed to be taken away in order for me to see
That something shattered can always be rebuilt within me
With confidence there comes a field of certainty and potential
And the desire of a lifetime that shouldn't be confidential
To look someone in the eye without fear or hesitation
Is something that gradually adds to the excitement and creation
As the saying goes: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone"
It's so well-known and it's sung in many a song
It's so true however not so real until it hits you in the face
When things you took for granted are gone without a trace
7 months ago I sat with Diann as she confirmed my fate
She said my confidence was crushed by Anna, my so-called "mate"
That ripped me to shreds just those very words she told
As I was convinced without confidence, traveling was too bold
So it was never going to come back to me as I closed that door
On living with confidence that used to ooze from my every pour
But both levels of confidence I've had, were at different stages
And they seem like different lifetimes, the time-space is almost ages
That was way back then and yet really not that long ago
Instead I haven't gained in years, but still a lot to show
Nothing is indicating an aging in numbers as I'm still 25
But never before I've had such a passion to keep on feeling alive
I can now look at a stranger and not want to crumble to bits
People can see what and who I am and I don't feel the pits
I never want to loose this confidence I'm starting the gain
But I never will as I continue to simply play out this game
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
An extra life inside
Yesterday afternoon it was time for acupuncture again. It was all pretty good. We had a chat before the treatment. First he showered me with compliments as to how well I was looking and then I was telling him how my week was and how I felt after last weeks treatment.
It was so strange and I felt so weird talking to him and telling him what I'd been feeling.. how depressed I'd gotten, how much I'd cried and how suddenly the world was just right there, for me to venture out in to. He said straight away: "That's you're heart that's opening up again". It was such a relief to hear him say that and for him not to judge me or question my feelings. A rush of emotion ran through me and I was strangely feeling grateful towards my heart for giving me that great feeling and for not letting me down and for fighting to get back the feeling of standing on top of the world again and being ready for life. But it was also so reassuring to hear what it was exactly and for him not to think that I was going insane for feeling so odd, emotional, alien and upset just because of hearing Eileen speaking about going traveling. I needed to hear her talk about travel in order for me to have such an intense response and for that to show me that I'll be able to make it all happen.
For so long I've known it, but it's not the same as actually feeling it. I didn't need to explain to Mr. Acupuncturist what it was exactly, because he knew what it was I was trying to say. He said that the wall that had I'd created around my heart and soul for so long, has slowly been coming down, but last week I felt it more so than ever before. It's like I don't have to shut out the world and everybody in it anymore just to survive each day. Because that's what I had to do for so long. The crying and breaking down of this wall was my heart letting myself slowly become apart of the world again and the world could become a part of me. Those weren't his words, but that's just what it was like, once the depressed state of mind had lifted.. the world was right there and I could see it so clearly.
He asked me if it wasn't all too much for me to handle. I'd be lying if I were to say that it wasn't overwhelming. Even if it was too much, I had to deal with it anyway and I did get through it and I knew that I needed it to happen. My god, yesterday it was so strange and I felt as if I'd become someone else, as I sat there in his office telling him about this. And then I got all choked-up. And I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I could see it in his eyes too that he was slightly blown away by it all.
I felt so excited inside, when we were talking. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I'm coming alive again. I was ecstatic and just couldn't wait for everything.. for life. I can't really put into words what I was feeling but it was definitely exciting, liberating and emotional.
It just goes to show, what months and months of working on myself, getting to know every little thing about myself, learning and letting go and being faced with the harsh facts of life, can really pay off. I never knew that I was so closed-off from the world until last week. I never knew a human body can be so amazing as to give me so much freedom and natural ecstasy almost, by just being me. I had to go through so much but it's all down to myself that I felt the way I did last week and it's also down to myself that I can now actually experience what being apart of the world REALLY means. And I never imagined that it would make me feel this way.. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. I can't quite describe it. But it's a special feeling..
The treatment itself was pretty good. As I lay on the table, I couldn't get the words he had said to me out of my head.. "you're heart had opened again". It caused so much excitement inside, that I was buzzing every couple of minutes. It was like I was getting electric shocks. For a while I wasn't myself anymore. I was just a source of energy, ready for everything, even though my body isn't yet, not physically anyhow. But I felt the life inside of me, like a little extra person, that was jumping up and down outside of me on the treatment table, all excited and happy. But my body was motionless and like a cushion full of pins, letting the life run wild inside of me and just feeling so happy knowing that all will be okay again..
I could go on and about how great it all was, but I'll never truly be able to put it all down on paper, so you'll just have to take my word for it..
It was so strange and I felt so weird talking to him and telling him what I'd been feeling.. how depressed I'd gotten, how much I'd cried and how suddenly the world was just right there, for me to venture out in to. He said straight away: "That's you're heart that's opening up again". It was such a relief to hear him say that and for him not to judge me or question my feelings. A rush of emotion ran through me and I was strangely feeling grateful towards my heart for giving me that great feeling and for not letting me down and for fighting to get back the feeling of standing on top of the world again and being ready for life. But it was also so reassuring to hear what it was exactly and for him not to think that I was going insane for feeling so odd, emotional, alien and upset just because of hearing Eileen speaking about going traveling. I needed to hear her talk about travel in order for me to have such an intense response and for that to show me that I'll be able to make it all happen.
For so long I've known it, but it's not the same as actually feeling it. I didn't need to explain to Mr. Acupuncturist what it was exactly, because he knew what it was I was trying to say. He said that the wall that had I'd created around my heart and soul for so long, has slowly been coming down, but last week I felt it more so than ever before. It's like I don't have to shut out the world and everybody in it anymore just to survive each day. Because that's what I had to do for so long. The crying and breaking down of this wall was my heart letting myself slowly become apart of the world again and the world could become a part of me. Those weren't his words, but that's just what it was like, once the depressed state of mind had lifted.. the world was right there and I could see it so clearly.
He asked me if it wasn't all too much for me to handle. I'd be lying if I were to say that it wasn't overwhelming. Even if it was too much, I had to deal with it anyway and I did get through it and I knew that I needed it to happen. My god, yesterday it was so strange and I felt as if I'd become someone else, as I sat there in his office telling him about this. And then I got all choked-up. And I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I could see it in his eyes too that he was slightly blown away by it all.
I felt so excited inside, when we were talking. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I'm coming alive again. I was ecstatic and just couldn't wait for everything.. for life. I can't really put into words what I was feeling but it was definitely exciting, liberating and emotional.
It just goes to show, what months and months of working on myself, getting to know every little thing about myself, learning and letting go and being faced with the harsh facts of life, can really pay off. I never knew that I was so closed-off from the world until last week. I never knew a human body can be so amazing as to give me so much freedom and natural ecstasy almost, by just being me. I had to go through so much but it's all down to myself that I felt the way I did last week and it's also down to myself that I can now actually experience what being apart of the world REALLY means. And I never imagined that it would make me feel this way.. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. I can't quite describe it. But it's a special feeling..
The treatment itself was pretty good. As I lay on the table, I couldn't get the words he had said to me out of my head.. "you're heart had opened again". It caused so much excitement inside, that I was buzzing every couple of minutes. It was like I was getting electric shocks. For a while I wasn't myself anymore. I was just a source of energy, ready for everything, even though my body isn't yet, not physically anyhow. But I felt the life inside of me, like a little extra person, that was jumping up and down outside of me on the treatment table, all excited and happy. But my body was motionless and like a cushion full of pins, letting the life run wild inside of me and just feeling so happy knowing that all will be okay again..
I could go on and about how great it all was, but I'll never truly be able to put it all down on paper, so you'll just have to take my word for it..
My heart has opened
A few words on what me and Mr. Acupuncturist spoke about yesterday, before my treatment..
An opening of the heart, that's what he said
The wall has come down, as I lay in my bed
His words were so right, he knew the drill
He know what I felt, as my eyes started to fill
Crying for the breakdown, that I didn't see coming
Something that I needed, so I didn't try running
Letting it all go and the pain was being fed
By the tears that I cried as I lay in my bed
His eyes said so much, as I told him my story
He was proud and touched by my sense of glory
I couldn't keep contact with his eyes so real
But he could see and heard what I could feel
The world is just there, I told him today
I can depend on me owning it, without needing to pray
My heart that has opened with such intensity and power
That seed that I've sown can now blossom and flower
I can try put into words, the steps that occurred
From hearing of travel to my vision becoming blurred
And then for me to feel so fine with feeling low
To finally recognize this happiness and glow
He confirmed what I knew and felt in my heart
That something has changed and is about to start
So happy I was to know that I wasn't dreaming
And that my face and smile will be forever beaming
To express the energy and uniqueness inside
I simply cannot find the words in which to confide
But in the midst of depression, he has now said
That my heart has opened, as I lay in my bed..
An opening of the heart, that's what he said
The wall has come down, as I lay in my bed
His words were so right, he knew the drill
He know what I felt, as my eyes started to fill
Crying for the breakdown, that I didn't see coming
Something that I needed, so I didn't try running
Letting it all go and the pain was being fed
By the tears that I cried as I lay in my bed
His eyes said so much, as I told him my story
He was proud and touched by my sense of glory
I couldn't keep contact with his eyes so real
But he could see and heard what I could feel
The world is just there, I told him today
I can depend on me owning it, without needing to pray
My heart that has opened with such intensity and power
That seed that I've sown can now blossom and flower
I can try put into words, the steps that occurred
From hearing of travel to my vision becoming blurred
And then for me to feel so fine with feeling low
To finally recognize this happiness and glow
He confirmed what I knew and felt in my heart
That something has changed and is about to start
So happy I was to know that I wasn't dreaming
And that my face and smile will be forever beaming
To express the energy and uniqueness inside
I simply cannot find the words in which to confide
But in the midst of depression, he has now said
That my heart has opened, as I lay in my bed..
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A walk with a difference
Since Monday I've started going on short daily walks. Actually since Tuesday, and yesterday it was raining so I didn't manage to get out for a stroll. But I've been out twice this week. I was talking to Diann about it on Monday and the change that I've been feeling is a sign that I can slowly start to rebuild my physical strength again.
I can't say that for the past 7 months all I've done is sitting on my backside. I've been out of the house, but not with the actual intention of going for a short walk. I'd walk to the car and then from the car to the shops and around the shopping centre. That would usually be the extent of my physical activity. Only once or twice I tried going for a short 10 minute walk around the estate. But it was never a big success. I got so scared or just weary at one stage, that I would start walking for the wrong reasons. Just thinking about it and wanting to do it would make me wonder if I'd start feeling guilty for not going, once I started walking again, and then in turn, I'd start to feel like I'm getting too fat because of all the sitting down I've been doing.
2 weeks ago I went for a walk and I wanted more. I wanted more fresh air, I wanted more "action", but of course I wasn't able. For so long walking to the garage seemed too far. It felt like walking the marathon or like walking to ends of the earth. It seemed like I'd never be able to get there, by foot, ever again. The thoughts would just send me into "protection-mode" and I'd already feel myself zoning-out from the world, just to be able to make it there and back. And that was just the feeling in my head without even considering how my body would feel.
Because of all the feelings that going for a walk would bring up, I didn't think about it for so long. Also because I was scared that I'd feel guilty for being able to go for a 15 minute walk and not being back in Holland and working. I knew I'd think I'd be able to work and live an active daily life, just for being able to walk for 15 minutes without falling over. It would only wreck with my head. And also the fact that if everyone around were to notice me getting stronger, physically, then they would all think that I'm better and expect me to out of here on the next flight. I wasn't able to deal with all the feelings that a regular walk to the garage would bring up.
But the past weeks, as I've already said, it's been getting me down, the fact that I wasn't physically able or maybe just the fact that I wasn't even trying, that I wasn't even attempting to push my physical boundaries. It was making me feel stuck.
Months ago, Mr. Acupuncturist, was encouraging me to go for walks and to start pushing myself, just a little each week. But that would just send me into turmoil. Because I was trying to listen to what my body needed, at that time. And back then, my body didn't need regular walks. It needed rest. It would wreck with my head because I was trying to do the best I could to get better asap and take advice from all directions, but if everyone was giving me different advice it was only normal that I felt confused and then guilty because I wasn't exercising or walking.
But that's in the past now.
The guilt for not walking or being active, has been gone for quite a while now because I've been so occupied with sorting out my head and working through things. However now that I'm not feeling guilty for not being active tells me I could be mentally strong enough, not to start exercising for the wrong reasons and I think that my body is finally starting to feel strong enough to start being rebuilt. I've got more energy and that also might be the reason as to why I've been having bad sleeps.. I've so much energy that I'm just not that tired when I go to bed.
The past few days, especially last night, my sleep has been brilliant. And that helps so much. A short walk each day, weather permitting, will give me a boost during the day, both mentally and physically. Which will use some of the energy I have flying around inside of me, for me to be able to sleep properly at night. Not only that, it also shows me that there's a whole world out there, beyond these 4 walls. Going for a walk with the intention of just getting some fresh air, is totally different than just walking around town or walking to the car. It clears the mind, lifts the spirit and reminds me that I'm doing good.
I'm not walking out of guilt, for sitting on my backside. Guilt isn't allowed to be an issue when I'm walking or when I'm not walking.. If I'm not walking, then it's because I need a rest or it's because it's raining and therefore I shouldn't feel guilty. If I'm walking then it's because I need it to boost my energy levels and work on getting better. I need to keep on seeing the walking as part of my recovery and not as a sign that I'm already strong and able to work and so I can let go of that side of the guilt too. If I don't I'll only undo all the good that I've been doing. And at the stage in the game, I can't afford to undo all my hard work. If I'm honest, I can feel myself getting slightly carried away, as I always do, so I still have be aware of why I'm doing what I'm doing.
This morning I went for a walk and I didn't time myself, like I used to do back in the summer. I didn't tell myself before leaving the house that I was going to go a certain distance, like I also used to do. I just said to myself, that I'll see how I feel when I'm out and see the distance it will take me. So I walked up to and around the next estate and back again. I was gone for half and hour and I was fine. I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel tired, I didn't need to rest when I got back and I wasn't lifeless. Tuesday the walk went well too. It's only now that I can feel happy that the sun is shining. Because I can benefit from it, if I'm going for a walk. It might not depress me anymore, like it used to. Because I'll slowly be able to enjoy it.
So, it's all good. But I can't get carried away. That's the only thing that I have to be cautious of. I still need to take it easy. And I won't be able to walk and walk for as long as I want, from one day to the next. I know it will take time, until my legs and back are strong again and until I'm able to be active without having to constantly engage in how my body is coping and without constantly having to establish what my limits are. But I should get there.. slowly.
I can't say that for the past 7 months all I've done is sitting on my backside. I've been out of the house, but not with the actual intention of going for a short walk. I'd walk to the car and then from the car to the shops and around the shopping centre. That would usually be the extent of my physical activity. Only once or twice I tried going for a short 10 minute walk around the estate. But it was never a big success. I got so scared or just weary at one stage, that I would start walking for the wrong reasons. Just thinking about it and wanting to do it would make me wonder if I'd start feeling guilty for not going, once I started walking again, and then in turn, I'd start to feel like I'm getting too fat because of all the sitting down I've been doing.
2 weeks ago I went for a walk and I wanted more. I wanted more fresh air, I wanted more "action", but of course I wasn't able. For so long walking to the garage seemed too far. It felt like walking the marathon or like walking to ends of the earth. It seemed like I'd never be able to get there, by foot, ever again. The thoughts would just send me into "protection-mode" and I'd already feel myself zoning-out from the world, just to be able to make it there and back. And that was just the feeling in my head without even considering how my body would feel.
Because of all the feelings that going for a walk would bring up, I didn't think about it for so long. Also because I was scared that I'd feel guilty for being able to go for a 15 minute walk and not being back in Holland and working. I knew I'd think I'd be able to work and live an active daily life, just for being able to walk for 15 minutes without falling over. It would only wreck with my head. And also the fact that if everyone around were to notice me getting stronger, physically, then they would all think that I'm better and expect me to out of here on the next flight. I wasn't able to deal with all the feelings that a regular walk to the garage would bring up.
But the past weeks, as I've already said, it's been getting me down, the fact that I wasn't physically able or maybe just the fact that I wasn't even trying, that I wasn't even attempting to push my physical boundaries. It was making me feel stuck.
Months ago, Mr. Acupuncturist, was encouraging me to go for walks and to start pushing myself, just a little each week. But that would just send me into turmoil. Because I was trying to listen to what my body needed, at that time. And back then, my body didn't need regular walks. It needed rest. It would wreck with my head because I was trying to do the best I could to get better asap and take advice from all directions, but if everyone was giving me different advice it was only normal that I felt confused and then guilty because I wasn't exercising or walking.
But that's in the past now.
The guilt for not walking or being active, has been gone for quite a while now because I've been so occupied with sorting out my head and working through things. However now that I'm not feeling guilty for not being active tells me I could be mentally strong enough, not to start exercising for the wrong reasons and I think that my body is finally starting to feel strong enough to start being rebuilt. I've got more energy and that also might be the reason as to why I've been having bad sleeps.. I've so much energy that I'm just not that tired when I go to bed.
The past few days, especially last night, my sleep has been brilliant. And that helps so much. A short walk each day, weather permitting, will give me a boost during the day, both mentally and physically. Which will use some of the energy I have flying around inside of me, for me to be able to sleep properly at night. Not only that, it also shows me that there's a whole world out there, beyond these 4 walls. Going for a walk with the intention of just getting some fresh air, is totally different than just walking around town or walking to the car. It clears the mind, lifts the spirit and reminds me that I'm doing good.
I'm not walking out of guilt, for sitting on my backside. Guilt isn't allowed to be an issue when I'm walking or when I'm not walking.. If I'm not walking, then it's because I need a rest or it's because it's raining and therefore I shouldn't feel guilty. If I'm walking then it's because I need it to boost my energy levels and work on getting better. I need to keep on seeing the walking as part of my recovery and not as a sign that I'm already strong and able to work and so I can let go of that side of the guilt too. If I don't I'll only undo all the good that I've been doing. And at the stage in the game, I can't afford to undo all my hard work. If I'm honest, I can feel myself getting slightly carried away, as I always do, so I still have be aware of why I'm doing what I'm doing.
This morning I went for a walk and I didn't time myself, like I used to do back in the summer. I didn't tell myself before leaving the house that I was going to go a certain distance, like I also used to do. I just said to myself, that I'll see how I feel when I'm out and see the distance it will take me. So I walked up to and around the next estate and back again. I was gone for half and hour and I was fine. I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel tired, I didn't need to rest when I got back and I wasn't lifeless. Tuesday the walk went well too. It's only now that I can feel happy that the sun is shining. Because I can benefit from it, if I'm going for a walk. It might not depress me anymore, like it used to. Because I'll slowly be able to enjoy it.
So, it's all good. But I can't get carried away. That's the only thing that I have to be cautious of. I still need to take it easy. And I won't be able to walk and walk for as long as I want, from one day to the next. I know it will take time, until my legs and back are strong again and until I'm able to be active without having to constantly engage in how my body is coping and without constantly having to establish what my limits are. But I should get there.. slowly.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Cutting ties
Today has been a big day. I've finally taken the plunge and I've put in my notice on my place in Breda. It's been on my mind for ages now and I so wanted to do it, but wasn't too sure until a few weeks. And today I did it. So it's decided. And with deciding to give up my place back in Holland, I've also decided to give up my job that I have waiting for me, at the travel agency, in the office, with around 180 other colleagues. I haven't given them my notice yet, but will be doing that within the next two weeks. So that will be that. All will soon be done and dusted.
It feels so weird. Even though I've known for a while now that I don't want to go back to the life I have waiting for me back in Holland, it still felt like a big deal today as I was telling my landlord that I'm moving. It's like that part of my life is being closed. It's like the end of an era and the beginning of something new, I hope.
I'm dreading telling them at work, that I'm not coming back. They have been pretty good to me over the past 6 months. But I can't let that be the reason for me going back to Holland. Because I don't want to be in Holland anymore and if I did want to be in Holland, I wouldn't want to go back to that job. It made me so unhappy and just the thoughts of it, makes feel awful again. So I'm not going to feel guilty about not going back. Even though I do and I know I will. In a way it's like I owe them something.. but it's only a company. Nothing more. I won't be hurting anybody by leaving. I'll only be hurting myself by going back.
So those decisions are made. Today I told my mates as well that I won't be coming back. I don't know if it shocked them, maybe it didn't. They have been so patient and so great for never pressurizing me or trying to find out when and if I was coming back. That helped me so much. Because making this decision was hard, but I did it by myself, without being influenced by what anybody thinks or expects from me. I didn't listen to what people think I should or shouldn't be doing with my life at this stage. I'm doing what I want. I'm doing it because I have to. I feel if I don't, then things will only continue to drag on and I'll end up going insane.
Once all my ties are broken and all the practicalities are over and done with, then I'll be able to focus more on what I want to do and where I want to go. So now that I've taken the first step and have started to talk openly about moving on with my life, everything will slowly fall into place. It has to.
Next weekend, me and Ma are going to Holland, so that weekend I'll be moving all my stuff. And I'll be relieved once it's done and once work knows what the story is. The past few weeks I've just been feeling so stuck and I know it's because of Holland.
After telling my friends I did feel so sad. I don't know why.. Maybe because I never thought this would happen. I never imagined I'd cut my ties from Holland, like this. And I never imagined when I left my room at the end of May last year on a Saturday morning with a hangover, walking through the best city in Holland, dragging my suitcase behind me as I made my way to the station to catch the train to the airport, that it would be the last time for me to actually live in Holland..so strange..
Who knew would have known what I was starting that Saturday I left.. who would have known that I'd be leaving to go on journey that would change me forever.. who would have known that the next time I'd be back there I'd have been to hell and back.. Nobody could have known.. But I'll go back next weekend, one last time, and I'll be free at the end of it. Something I thought I'd never be. I'm going back, just one last time and I'm doing it to be more than just a survivor. I'm doing it to eventually thrive.
This afternoon I was really exhausted. It's been a while since I've felt so tired, from sorting things and opening up to people and thinking rationally..even if it was only by email. I was sad too. I feel like I'm leaving everybody.. my friends, my sisters.. But I have to do this, and I can't start questioning myself. The ball has started rolling and it needs to.
It feels so weird. Even though I've known for a while now that I don't want to go back to the life I have waiting for me back in Holland, it still felt like a big deal today as I was telling my landlord that I'm moving. It's like that part of my life is being closed. It's like the end of an era and the beginning of something new, I hope.
I'm dreading telling them at work, that I'm not coming back. They have been pretty good to me over the past 6 months. But I can't let that be the reason for me going back to Holland. Because I don't want to be in Holland anymore and if I did want to be in Holland, I wouldn't want to go back to that job. It made me so unhappy and just the thoughts of it, makes feel awful again. So I'm not going to feel guilty about not going back. Even though I do and I know I will. In a way it's like I owe them something.. but it's only a company. Nothing more. I won't be hurting anybody by leaving. I'll only be hurting myself by going back.
So those decisions are made. Today I told my mates as well that I won't be coming back. I don't know if it shocked them, maybe it didn't. They have been so patient and so great for never pressurizing me or trying to find out when and if I was coming back. That helped me so much. Because making this decision was hard, but I did it by myself, without being influenced by what anybody thinks or expects from me. I didn't listen to what people think I should or shouldn't be doing with my life at this stage. I'm doing what I want. I'm doing it because I have to. I feel if I don't, then things will only continue to drag on and I'll end up going insane.
Once all my ties are broken and all the practicalities are over and done with, then I'll be able to focus more on what I want to do and where I want to go. So now that I've taken the first step and have started to talk openly about moving on with my life, everything will slowly fall into place. It has to.
Next weekend, me and Ma are going to Holland, so that weekend I'll be moving all my stuff. And I'll be relieved once it's done and once work knows what the story is. The past few weeks I've just been feeling so stuck and I know it's because of Holland.
After telling my friends I did feel so sad. I don't know why.. Maybe because I never thought this would happen. I never imagined I'd cut my ties from Holland, like this. And I never imagined when I left my room at the end of May last year on a Saturday morning with a hangover, walking through the best city in Holland, dragging my suitcase behind me as I made my way to the station to catch the train to the airport, that it would be the last time for me to actually live in Holland..so strange..
Who knew would have known what I was starting that Saturday I left.. who would have known that I'd be leaving to go on journey that would change me forever.. who would have known that the next time I'd be back there I'd have been to hell and back.. Nobody could have known.. But I'll go back next weekend, one last time, and I'll be free at the end of it. Something I thought I'd never be. I'm going back, just one last time and I'm doing it to be more than just a survivor. I'm doing it to eventually thrive.
This afternoon I was really exhausted. It's been a while since I've felt so tired, from sorting things and opening up to people and thinking rationally..even if it was only by email. I was sad too. I feel like I'm leaving everybody.. my friends, my sisters.. But I have to do this, and I can't start questioning myself. The ball has started rolling and it needs to.
Expressing gratitude
I could go through the rest of my life expressing gratitude to each and every person I come into contact with. I could be grateful for every little effort every person makes or for every little thing every person I know does for me, forever. I could thank them over and over again. I could feel guilty if I don't thank them enough. I could then drag the guilt of not expressing enough gratitude towards certain people or the guilt of needing people and the guilt of asking for help or the guilt of burdening people close to me, with me forever and then I could even start to blame them for making me feel guilty because they might not have felt okay with helping me or they might not have excepted my gratitude and they might choose to see me as not appreciating anything anyone has done for me and see me as ungrateful.
But can I? Do the people around me, see me as a burden? Do they see as being ungrateful? Do they see me as not appreciating anything anybody has ever done for me? Do I take it all for granted, just because I can't simply show my gratitude 24 hours a day? Diann asked me on Monday if I had done something for someone close to me, and they thanked me, that would be fine. But if that person who I'd helped would still be thanking me 3 or 7 or 12 years down the line, what would I think? Get over it?? Yes, that's what I would think. This person who I've helped wouldn't need to thank me. I would have helped because I wanted to. Not for any other reason. Not because I can't say no. Not because I feel obliged. Not because I'll feel guilty otherwise. I would have done it, because I would have been willing and able to help this person.
Do we take things for granted? That's another question Diann asked me. Do I take for granted that there'll be certain types of food in the cupboard that I'll always love to eat? Yes, I do. But does that make me a bad person? I hope not. Doesn't everyone take for granted that there's certain yummy food in the cupboard at any given time of the day, week or month? Isn't that normal? Everyone takes for granted that there's hot water, that we've all got a roof over our heads, that there's fresh air to breathe, that our hearts are beating... or just the fact that we are alive.
Nobody goes through life, constantly giving thanks for every little thing that comes their way. It's just not possible. It's draining and it only causes us to feel guilty whenever we forget to be grateful and start to take things for granted. It would wear us down. I cannot go through life just being grateful for another person to "waste" their breath on me or for someone taking 5 minutes of their time to talk to me or for someone to be my friend. That would mean that I think that the other person should save their time, energy and breath on me and that I'm not worth it. That might even suggest that I feel that I only take, take, take and take from everyone around me and that I never give anything back in return. Is that the case?
Do I feel like all I do is take from every friendship I have or from every relationship I have with family members? Do I ever give anything back? Sometimes that's exactly how I feel. I would do anything for them all, but nobody should do anything for me. But if a friend of mine were to feel that and think that all I do is take, take, take and drain them and never give them any support or never bring any kind of joy into their lives or just never contribute to their lives in any way, shape or form, then why would they still be my friend? They, themselves, don't feel guilty or grateful for me loving them and missing them. Because they don't have to. They know they are worthy of having a special place in my heart.
With my family and friends, I know I have a place in their hearts. It could be big, it could be small. But I'm there, I know. Should I be grateful? Should I always give thanks for them letting me into their lives and for keeping me there, no matter what hard times I'm going through or no matter how long I haven't seen them for? Can't I show my gratitude just by helping them when they need me? Can't I show them how much our friendship means, just by always being there for them? But surely, a friendship isn't based on gratitude? It goes without saying that I'll be there for them, always. It goes without saying that I'll help and support them. Surely appreciating and gratitude will always be there. Surely friendships have become so strong that there's no need to say thank you, for taking 2 minutes of your time this week when you chose to think about me.
If I were to go through life like this, then I would choose to be an island. I wouldn't feel worthy of being in contact with anybody. I wouldn't let myself need anybody's help. I wouldn't let myself have hardly any contact with anybody because I'd feel I'm burdening them, just by talking to them. I can't go through life like this. It's insane. But over the past years, I would occasionally think like this. Not all the time. Because when I've been happiest throughout the past few years was mainly down to the fact that I'd meet so many different people and I'd let them into my life and I wouldn't feel like a burden. These great times were also when I've attracted the most people. The people I've met along the way, on my travels, I've befriended and they'd still remember me. They'd still remember my name even if the encounter was very brief and took place years and years ago. So that must mean something. That must mean that I made some sort of an impact on them. So I must have something. Everyone else has something special, so I have to believe that I do too.
I can see the special things in everyone. So I have to see to special things in me too. I think I've always compared myself to my friends and sisters. They've always been in relationships so they always had somebody to rely on, somebody who was always there no matter what, somebody to catch them were they to fall. I've never had that. It's always been just me. But, as Ma and Diann said to me on Monday, Niamh everybody needs people in their lives. We can't go without. And when you're single, your family and friends can take on a more important role, than when you're in a steady relationship. That suddenly makes a lot sense as to why often, when a relationship starts to go steady, people can suddenly not need their friends and family as much as they once did, because they have that special someone on who they can rely. But that brings up a whole different story, of friendships disintegrating as soon as someone falls in love.. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.
Back on track.. I can't go through life thanking people and feeling the need to constantly express my appreciation and gratitude. Nobody can and nobody does. So why should I? I can't and I won't. If I could just see that I'm not waste of time, space and effort. But as I've already established, I can't just switch off this feeling of non-deserving. It's been there for so long. How to get rid of it? Maybe just by doing what I love the most..
But can I? Do the people around me, see me as a burden? Do they see as being ungrateful? Do they see me as not appreciating anything anybody has ever done for me? Do I take it all for granted, just because I can't simply show my gratitude 24 hours a day? Diann asked me on Monday if I had done something for someone close to me, and they thanked me, that would be fine. But if that person who I'd helped would still be thanking me 3 or 7 or 12 years down the line, what would I think? Get over it?? Yes, that's what I would think. This person who I've helped wouldn't need to thank me. I would have helped because I wanted to. Not for any other reason. Not because I can't say no. Not because I feel obliged. Not because I'll feel guilty otherwise. I would have done it, because I would have been willing and able to help this person.
Do we take things for granted? That's another question Diann asked me. Do I take for granted that there'll be certain types of food in the cupboard that I'll always love to eat? Yes, I do. But does that make me a bad person? I hope not. Doesn't everyone take for granted that there's certain yummy food in the cupboard at any given time of the day, week or month? Isn't that normal? Everyone takes for granted that there's hot water, that we've all got a roof over our heads, that there's fresh air to breathe, that our hearts are beating... or just the fact that we are alive.
Nobody goes through life, constantly giving thanks for every little thing that comes their way. It's just not possible. It's draining and it only causes us to feel guilty whenever we forget to be grateful and start to take things for granted. It would wear us down. I cannot go through life just being grateful for another person to "waste" their breath on me or for someone taking 5 minutes of their time to talk to me or for someone to be my friend. That would mean that I think that the other person should save their time, energy and breath on me and that I'm not worth it. That might even suggest that I feel that I only take, take, take and take from everyone around me and that I never give anything back in return. Is that the case?
Do I feel like all I do is take from every friendship I have or from every relationship I have with family members? Do I ever give anything back? Sometimes that's exactly how I feel. I would do anything for them all, but nobody should do anything for me. But if a friend of mine were to feel that and think that all I do is take, take, take and drain them and never give them any support or never bring any kind of joy into their lives or just never contribute to their lives in any way, shape or form, then why would they still be my friend? They, themselves, don't feel guilty or grateful for me loving them and missing them. Because they don't have to. They know they are worthy of having a special place in my heart.
With my family and friends, I know I have a place in their hearts. It could be big, it could be small. But I'm there, I know. Should I be grateful? Should I always give thanks for them letting me into their lives and for keeping me there, no matter what hard times I'm going through or no matter how long I haven't seen them for? Can't I show my gratitude just by helping them when they need me? Can't I show them how much our friendship means, just by always being there for them? But surely, a friendship isn't based on gratitude? It goes without saying that I'll be there for them, always. It goes without saying that I'll help and support them. Surely appreciating and gratitude will always be there. Surely friendships have become so strong that there's no need to say thank you, for taking 2 minutes of your time this week when you chose to think about me.
If I were to go through life like this, then I would choose to be an island. I wouldn't feel worthy of being in contact with anybody. I wouldn't let myself need anybody's help. I wouldn't let myself have hardly any contact with anybody because I'd feel I'm burdening them, just by talking to them. I can't go through life like this. It's insane. But over the past years, I would occasionally think like this. Not all the time. Because when I've been happiest throughout the past few years was mainly down to the fact that I'd meet so many different people and I'd let them into my life and I wouldn't feel like a burden. These great times were also when I've attracted the most people. The people I've met along the way, on my travels, I've befriended and they'd still remember me. They'd still remember my name even if the encounter was very brief and took place years and years ago. So that must mean something. That must mean that I made some sort of an impact on them. So I must have something. Everyone else has something special, so I have to believe that I do too.
I can see the special things in everyone. So I have to see to special things in me too. I think I've always compared myself to my friends and sisters. They've always been in relationships so they always had somebody to rely on, somebody who was always there no matter what, somebody to catch them were they to fall. I've never had that. It's always been just me. But, as Ma and Diann said to me on Monday, Niamh everybody needs people in their lives. We can't go without. And when you're single, your family and friends can take on a more important role, than when you're in a steady relationship. That suddenly makes a lot sense as to why often, when a relationship starts to go steady, people can suddenly not need their friends and family as much as they once did, because they have that special someone on who they can rely. But that brings up a whole different story, of friendships disintegrating as soon as someone falls in love.. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.
Back on track.. I can't go through life thanking people and feeling the need to constantly express my appreciation and gratitude. Nobody can and nobody does. So why should I? I can't and I won't. If I could just see that I'm not waste of time, space and effort. But as I've already established, I can't just switch off this feeling of non-deserving. It's been there for so long. How to get rid of it? Maybe just by doing what I love the most..
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Non-deserving as usual
Non-deserving. Is that what I am? Is that what I'm still feeling? In a way, I am. But, I have to say I've improved. At one point, I didn't think I deserved to live. But now I know I do deserve to live. And I want to more than I ever have done before. But why can I not just shake away this feeling of being a burden? Why can I not just let go of feeling that I'm not worthy of help from Ma and my sisters and family and friends?
I was talking to Diann about it yesterday. And it came up because of something I realized during the week. It was 6 years ago and Ma, Eileen and Sean went moved back to Ireland and me, Orla and Emma stayed in Holland. I had just started college and had my room in Breda during the week and came back to Orla's on the weekends. It was hard on us all. I knew that then but we got through it. I was always skint and in a way took over Orla's life. I always felt so guilty about it, but there was really nothing I could do. I look back at that time now and it was hard. I remember Orla being the best and we had some great times, we really did. I was independent, but in a way, at the age of 19, I needed someone to lean on. So I "burdened" Orla with all my stuff. There was 1 or 2 occasions when me and Orla would have a big outburst or anger, leading to tears. But I never knew why, because Orla was great and I loved college and my weekend job was fun and I was happy. When I sat with Diann yesterday it made sense, that it was all a lot to deal with. There was so much going on.. me and Bart had just broken up, I had just starting college, I had money problems, the family had been split.. so it was only natural that it was a hard time. I never resented Ma for going back to Ireland. I was happy for her, because that's what she wanted and it would make her happy. It's what she needed, so she had to go for it. And she did. And I was proud of her for finally choosing for herself.
So why did this suddenly come up.. Guilt, as usual..
During the week I realized that I might never ever be able to let go of feeling guilty for what I've done. I'll go through life and I'll carry it around with me. I'll always feel too much and I'll always feel like I'll have to keep on thanking everybody for everything they have ever done for me. And the past 7 months is going to mean that I'll forever be feeling the need to thank Ma and express my gratitude towards her, for saving my life. Yesterday I was talking to Diann about it, and I just kept on saying how guilty I feel "for what I've done". What have I done though? I don't know. I've been living. That's all. So is that what I'm feeling so guilty about? For being alive? For needing people to lean on, when times were hard? I don't want to need people. I want to be there for others, but why should they be there for me? It's like me wanting Ma to be happy, because she's deserves it. But I couldn't want that for me. It's too much of a good thing for me.. Ma doesn't feel guilty for moving back to Ireland, so why am I feeling guilty?
Guilt is such an awful thing. It really is. But it's not just something I can do away with. I can't just say today: I'm not feeling guilty anymore for "all that I've done". It's not possible. On Thursday I was thinking back to that stage of my life, when I was living with Orla, and it had been so long since I'd thought about it and felt bad for "what I've done". But that voice in my head was actually answering the question as to why I was feeling guilty. The answer was: at least I'm serving a purpose and doing something "good". But it's not good. It's not serving a purpose. It's all in the past. It's over and done with. But if that's the case, then why was it causing me such grief?
Feeling guilty for anything, doesn't serve a purpose. And feeling guilty for nothing, is probably worse. It's causing a problem where there wasn't one. Feeling guilty just weighs me down and it's just confirming the fact that I feel non-deserving. Because there was nothing to feel guilty about. But I seem to think that everyone will think less of me, for the hassle I've caused everyone, all my life. Especially now, and the past year. It's only added to the guilt.
I have to let it go. There is no shame in what I've done, been through or the life I've led up until now. There'll never be any shame in suffering or hard times, just like there isn't any shame in happiness and good times. And feeling guilty is to act out the shame that someone feels. But if there is no shame, then there is no guilt. And these feelings are only linked to other peoples judgement. We feel ashamed, because of what others might think or not think of us. We feel ashamed because our lives can take twists and turns that aren't classed as "normal".. It's all in the eyes of others, so that's what we then choose to see and feel. We then seem to think that guilt is the best way to handle shame. But being alive and feeling good, is that shameful? Being starved to death and feeling bad, is that shameful? I could answer "yes" to both questions. That would just prove that it will never be right. But I could also answer "no". What would happen if I answered "no". Would there be shame in that? Would I be made to feel guilty, just for not feeling guilty and ashamed because of "what I've done"? It's a vicious circle that can go on and on. But why should it? Can I break the cycle? I have to, if I want to thrive and feel high on life as I have done in the past..
I was talking to Diann about it yesterday. And it came up because of something I realized during the week. It was 6 years ago and Ma, Eileen and Sean went moved back to Ireland and me, Orla and Emma stayed in Holland. I had just started college and had my room in Breda during the week and came back to Orla's on the weekends. It was hard on us all. I knew that then but we got through it. I was always skint and in a way took over Orla's life. I always felt so guilty about it, but there was really nothing I could do. I look back at that time now and it was hard. I remember Orla being the best and we had some great times, we really did. I was independent, but in a way, at the age of 19, I needed someone to lean on. So I "burdened" Orla with all my stuff. There was 1 or 2 occasions when me and Orla would have a big outburst or anger, leading to tears. But I never knew why, because Orla was great and I loved college and my weekend job was fun and I was happy. When I sat with Diann yesterday it made sense, that it was all a lot to deal with. There was so much going on.. me and Bart had just broken up, I had just starting college, I had money problems, the family had been split.. so it was only natural that it was a hard time. I never resented Ma for going back to Ireland. I was happy for her, because that's what she wanted and it would make her happy. It's what she needed, so she had to go for it. And she did. And I was proud of her for finally choosing for herself.
So why did this suddenly come up.. Guilt, as usual..
During the week I realized that I might never ever be able to let go of feeling guilty for what I've done. I'll go through life and I'll carry it around with me. I'll always feel too much and I'll always feel like I'll have to keep on thanking everybody for everything they have ever done for me. And the past 7 months is going to mean that I'll forever be feeling the need to thank Ma and express my gratitude towards her, for saving my life. Yesterday I was talking to Diann about it, and I just kept on saying how guilty I feel "for what I've done". What have I done though? I don't know. I've been living. That's all. So is that what I'm feeling so guilty about? For being alive? For needing people to lean on, when times were hard? I don't want to need people. I want to be there for others, but why should they be there for me? It's like me wanting Ma to be happy, because she's deserves it. But I couldn't want that for me. It's too much of a good thing for me.. Ma doesn't feel guilty for moving back to Ireland, so why am I feeling guilty?
Guilt is such an awful thing. It really is. But it's not just something I can do away with. I can't just say today: I'm not feeling guilty anymore for "all that I've done". It's not possible. On Thursday I was thinking back to that stage of my life, when I was living with Orla, and it had been so long since I'd thought about it and felt bad for "what I've done". But that voice in my head was actually answering the question as to why I was feeling guilty. The answer was: at least I'm serving a purpose and doing something "good". But it's not good. It's not serving a purpose. It's all in the past. It's over and done with. But if that's the case, then why was it causing me such grief?
Feeling guilty for anything, doesn't serve a purpose. And feeling guilty for nothing, is probably worse. It's causing a problem where there wasn't one. Feeling guilty just weighs me down and it's just confirming the fact that I feel non-deserving. Because there was nothing to feel guilty about. But I seem to think that everyone will think less of me, for the hassle I've caused everyone, all my life. Especially now, and the past year. It's only added to the guilt.
I have to let it go. There is no shame in what I've done, been through or the life I've led up until now. There'll never be any shame in suffering or hard times, just like there isn't any shame in happiness and good times. And feeling guilty is to act out the shame that someone feels. But if there is no shame, then there is no guilt. And these feelings are only linked to other peoples judgement. We feel ashamed, because of what others might think or not think of us. We feel ashamed because our lives can take twists and turns that aren't classed as "normal".. It's all in the eyes of others, so that's what we then choose to see and feel. We then seem to think that guilt is the best way to handle shame. But being alive and feeling good, is that shameful? Being starved to death and feeling bad, is that shameful? I could answer "yes" to both questions. That would just prove that it will never be right. But I could also answer "no". What would happen if I answered "no". Would there be shame in that? Would I be made to feel guilty, just for not feeling guilty and ashamed because of "what I've done"? It's a vicious circle that can go on and on. But why should it? Can I break the cycle? I have to, if I want to thrive and feel high on life as I have done in the past..
Happy people! Happy me?
Something that is annoying me to the extremes. But it isn't fair. Because it's justified excitement and joy. To put myself in Ma's shoes and see it from her side of the story makes me understand why she's so pleased. Because things are coming along nicely. I'm doing good. But it brings up so much **** for me. The same **** that I had months and months ago..with the whole "everyone thinks I'm better, but I'm not and now they all expect me to be and act in certain ways". It brings it all back up when I know it shouldn't. It just makes me so angry.
But if I start asking myself why it's making me feel this way and try to change it, it will only stress me out. So I can't ask myself why. It just is. I shouldn't take it out on Ma though, and that's maybe why I'm sitting in my room right now, so I won't show her that I'm angry about it. Because that will only make me feel worse again. I had to escape because it was like all her joy was being dumped on me, but I can't have it. Not just yet anyhow. Maybe it's something I want so badly but I'm struggling to express, even though I can feel it on the inside.
Isn't it said that the way you perceive the world, is also the things you see in yourself the most? How does that work? If I'm not feeling to full of beans and feeling happy but I see Ma and she's happy, then doesn't that say something about what I would usually see in myself too? Because I know I'm a happy person. I do because I am. But I feel like, at the moment it's expected from me or that I'm supposed to be catching on to everyones joy around me. And I'm not. Does that make me a sad person that always wallows in their own grief? Does that make me a failure? I seem to think that it does, even though I know it's me just being silly.
Right at this moment, I dealing with enough and therefore I think it's safe to say that I don't need to express myself in a way that I don't want. People can try pull at me, to try get me out of my shell, but that will only happen when I feel like it. It will only happen when I'm feeling good, when there's no pressure, when there's no paranoia, when there's no expectations and when there's no stress. And at the moment I can feel the happiness, joy and excitement on the inside and it's brewing away nicely. I feel it just before I go to sleep (electricity shooting up and down legs, arms, and core) and I feel it when I think about things that will soon be coming my way and I feel it when I look at something fun on telly or when I hear good news from friends or family or when I look back at photo's. So I know it's all in there. And just because I feel like something has changed, it doesn't mean that, overnight, I'm going to be jumping on top of life again. It's all a process and it's all slow. I can push things along, but only at a certain pace.
So that's what I'm doing. And if Ma is being happy because of me, then haven't I achieved what I've always wanted to achieve? Which is: Making Ma happy and easing all her pain and making her proud of me. That's all I've ever wanted, all my life. And finally I'm doing it, but it's not making me happy. That probably just says that I'm doing what's right at the moment. It says that I'm not looking for happiness outside of me. By filling someone else u with joy, I'm never going to fill myself up. But to make Ma happy, shouldn't that make me happy and give me a sense of self worth. But it never worked out like that. I know now that it will never work, even if I am having some sort of influence on her happiness at the moment. But that doesn't heal me and it doesn't fix the root of the problem.
To close myself off and to put myself in a bubble, where nobody expects me to interact and where nobody's good or bad moods will do anything to me is all I can do at the moment. I'm processing too much right now, for me to be able to take on other people's moods or to feel responsible for what they're feeling. I cannot do this to myself. My god, if I wasn't such a softie, none of this would bother me in the slightest. But then again, if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today either.
Can I just ignore all the good around me? And not let them bring me up or down? If I can do that, then I'll know that me being up, is natural. It's me. And I'll know that me being down, is also natural. I then won't take on other people's moods or issues. I won't because I simply can't. I'll be me and I'll know what I'm capable of and I won't need someone around me in a good mood to make me feel happy.
The past days have just been so big, that I need time. I tend to always get ahead of myself, so I'm sure I won't need a whole lot of time, to give it all a place. But still. The stuff that I'm trying to place, is all real good but it's feels so raw too and it almost feels like it's not me who all this happening to. For instance, I woke up this morning and I actually thought that yesterday and all the great talking I was doing with Diann, was a dream. It was like I was supposed to wake up this morning without any of those good feelings. It was like I should have landed back in my own nightmare again. But I don't think I have, because it was all real. It did happen to me and it's still my life.
But if I start asking myself why it's making me feel this way and try to change it, it will only stress me out. So I can't ask myself why. It just is. I shouldn't take it out on Ma though, and that's maybe why I'm sitting in my room right now, so I won't show her that I'm angry about it. Because that will only make me feel worse again. I had to escape because it was like all her joy was being dumped on me, but I can't have it. Not just yet anyhow. Maybe it's something I want so badly but I'm struggling to express, even though I can feel it on the inside.
Isn't it said that the way you perceive the world, is also the things you see in yourself the most? How does that work? If I'm not feeling to full of beans and feeling happy but I see Ma and she's happy, then doesn't that say something about what I would usually see in myself too? Because I know I'm a happy person. I do because I am. But I feel like, at the moment it's expected from me or that I'm supposed to be catching on to everyones joy around me. And I'm not. Does that make me a sad person that always wallows in their own grief? Does that make me a failure? I seem to think that it does, even though I know it's me just being silly.
Right at this moment, I dealing with enough and therefore I think it's safe to say that I don't need to express myself in a way that I don't want. People can try pull at me, to try get me out of my shell, but that will only happen when I feel like it. It will only happen when I'm feeling good, when there's no pressure, when there's no paranoia, when there's no expectations and when there's no stress. And at the moment I can feel the happiness, joy and excitement on the inside and it's brewing away nicely. I feel it just before I go to sleep (electricity shooting up and down legs, arms, and core) and I feel it when I think about things that will soon be coming my way and I feel it when I look at something fun on telly or when I hear good news from friends or family or when I look back at photo's. So I know it's all in there. And just because I feel like something has changed, it doesn't mean that, overnight, I'm going to be jumping on top of life again. It's all a process and it's all slow. I can push things along, but only at a certain pace.
So that's what I'm doing. And if Ma is being happy because of me, then haven't I achieved what I've always wanted to achieve? Which is: Making Ma happy and easing all her pain and making her proud of me. That's all I've ever wanted, all my life. And finally I'm doing it, but it's not making me happy. That probably just says that I'm doing what's right at the moment. It says that I'm not looking for happiness outside of me. By filling someone else u with joy, I'm never going to fill myself up. But to make Ma happy, shouldn't that make me happy and give me a sense of self worth. But it never worked out like that. I know now that it will never work, even if I am having some sort of influence on her happiness at the moment. But that doesn't heal me and it doesn't fix the root of the problem.
To close myself off and to put myself in a bubble, where nobody expects me to interact and where nobody's good or bad moods will do anything to me is all I can do at the moment. I'm processing too much right now, for me to be able to take on other people's moods or to feel responsible for what they're feeling. I cannot do this to myself. My god, if I wasn't such a softie, none of this would bother me in the slightest. But then again, if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today either.
Can I just ignore all the good around me? And not let them bring me up or down? If I can do that, then I'll know that me being up, is natural. It's me. And I'll know that me being down, is also natural. I then won't take on other people's moods or issues. I won't because I simply can't. I'll be me and I'll know what I'm capable of and I won't need someone around me in a good mood to make me feel happy.
The past days have just been so big, that I need time. I tend to always get ahead of myself, so I'm sure I won't need a whole lot of time, to give it all a place. But still. The stuff that I'm trying to place, is all real good but it's feels so raw too and it almost feels like it's not me who all this happening to. For instance, I woke up this morning and I actually thought that yesterday and all the great talking I was doing with Diann, was a dream. It was like I was supposed to wake up this morning without any of those good feelings. It was like I should have landed back in my own nightmare again. But I don't think I have, because it was all real. It did happen to me and it's still my life.
Tuesday 20-01
It's Tuesday afternoon and I've been calm since Saturday morning. Everything seems to feel good again. On Friday night as I lay in bed after having 2 of the most depressing days of my life..or in long while anyhow, I was wondering why I was feeling so bad. But I knew all along why I was feeling so rotten. To be around people and to hear about their lives and how happy they are and how much different things they're going to be doing, brought me down, big time.
The person that I'm around the most at the moment who is nearest my own age, is Eileen. She's totally in her prime. She's trying to find out what it is she wants in life. She's trying to figure out if she wants to go to college or to go traveling or whatever else pops into her head. She can't decide. And I look at her and I'm just so jealous. I envy her so much because she's got it all..everything I want. Or maybe it might just seem like that. Because deep down, I know I'm in my prime too, I know that I shouldn't be envious of others who are my age or younger. Because I have everything I need for me to get me to where I want and need to be and therefore, I know that I'll be okay and at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be in anybody else's shoes, others than my own. I wouldn't want to be 21 again. I wouldn't want to be 15. So I know it's fine.
But on Thursday there was no rational thinking.. So anything that I heard just hit all the wrong buttons. There's so little going on for me right now and so much for her, that hearing her talk about all those wonderful things she wants to experience, made me so sad. And that's what happened on Thursday. I walked into the kitchen and she was talking to Ma about teaching in China. She was talking about how great it would be and how cute and on and on..bla bla bla. Probably the worst thing of all was that I know Ma gave her the idea. It just made me so angry and I felt like they were both stealing all these things from me. Everything I wanted, all my ideas and plans, she was trying to make them hers. Or Ma was trying to make them Eileens. I'm not too sure but I wasn't happy with either of them. I cried and cried and thought I was never going to stop.
Why did it feel so bad and why were they "stealing" from me? I can't know the exact answer, but I do know that it made me feel alien and alone. Nobody had any idea what they were doing to me. They didn't seem to care either and it blew me away. Literally. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I didn't know who I was looking at. I didn't know what was happening but something was changing.
I kept on thinking about what Diann said to me weeks ago, that by listening to my intuition I'll know when I need to take the next step and I'll know what step that will be. For feeling so bad only just by hearing something that really hasn't got anything to do with me, had to mean something. I've never experienced anything like it before. Someone talking about something so casually and for me to have such an intense response to it and to make me depressed for 2 days solid..was the strangest thing. I must say it's happened before, but never to that extent. It made me feel so strange and so out-of-whack. It scared me in a way because I didn't know why it was happening.
Anyhow, I worked through it, by keeping myself to myself and interactions to a minimum for 2 days. Then on Friday night I knew something was different. I knew I was different. Something inside had changed. Like the click of a switch, I knew that I could make anything happen. Suddenly I knew I could have it all. And I knew it could be as soon as I wanted it to be. It was as if my mind-setting had changed as well as my way of thinking. It was like when I was traveling my way of thinking was fearless, without limits, without restrictions and it was all within my reach. My life was so adventurous and it was normal and my life was as it was supposed to be. I never knew what the next day, week or month would bring. It didn't matter whether I was in a job or not, the next day would still be exciting. Because if I wanted excitement, I'd get it. And Friday night that's the feeling I felt after so long. I've been feeling a lot of energy rushing round my body, literally, over the weeks and it's only been getting more, but this was different. It was like my mind wasn't closed-off anymore, even though I could hardly face up to anything or anyone for 2 days straight. My mind wasn't exhausted and it was as it was supposed to be. I knew that everything was within my reach. And I knew that it was time to make some decisions.
So with that thought I went to sleep and Saturday morning I was in good form. Everything seemed as if it could be so easy. Like everything used to be. Like traveling used to be. It was always so easy and nothing was a big deal. Nothing scared me. Nothing was impossible. I felt like that on Saturday for the first time in more than a year. It was liberating. It was reassuring. It gave me strength. It was brilliant. At one stage I was so excited, I just wanted to scream from the rooftops, how great it all was. I was overwhelmed to the point of dizziness. I lay on the sofa, for 5 minutes, with my head slightly hanging upside-down, my eyes closed and it was as if I was floating, I was flying, I was on rollercoaster, I was anywhere and everywhere, except lying on the sofa with my head slightly upside-down. It was the strangest feeling and I hadn't felt it in a long time.. I think they call it: high on life.
I was able to look in the mirror again without crying. Sometimes I would look myself straight in the eye and I'd get a fright. It would shock me to see what I saw. I can't give it an exact name. But I didn't recognize myself. I didn't see the person I had been looking at for the past year or more. Some sort of click had been made and all the crying and the bad feelings of Thursday and Friday made sense. I needed to go through that and I needed to hear Eileen talk about her life, for me to see that it's going to be my time pretty soon. I needed it to maybe make a decision as to where to go or what to do.
It's still only one step at a time even though I have started to make a few decisions. One decision will effect the other and I'm not too sure where to start. I'm weary of overdoing it and getting ahead of myself. But maybe that's what I need to keep this process going. I read once that once you have an idea, it starts as a tiny little light in your mind. With time that idea will grow if you stay focused on that idea or intention you have. Having patience and waiting for that idea to come to life, will help it grow and make it happen. So that's what I'm doing at the moment. A few ideas are festering away in my head and if I manage to stay focused and calm then these ideas will manifest themselves and everything will fall into place.
Patience, as usual, is all I need..
The person that I'm around the most at the moment who is nearest my own age, is Eileen. She's totally in her prime. She's trying to find out what it is she wants in life. She's trying to figure out if she wants to go to college or to go traveling or whatever else pops into her head. She can't decide. And I look at her and I'm just so jealous. I envy her so much because she's got it all..everything I want. Or maybe it might just seem like that. Because deep down, I know I'm in my prime too, I know that I shouldn't be envious of others who are my age or younger. Because I have everything I need for me to get me to where I want and need to be and therefore, I know that I'll be okay and at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be in anybody else's shoes, others than my own. I wouldn't want to be 21 again. I wouldn't want to be 15. So I know it's fine.
But on Thursday there was no rational thinking.. So anything that I heard just hit all the wrong buttons. There's so little going on for me right now and so much for her, that hearing her talk about all those wonderful things she wants to experience, made me so sad. And that's what happened on Thursday. I walked into the kitchen and she was talking to Ma about teaching in China. She was talking about how great it would be and how cute and on and on..bla bla bla. Probably the worst thing of all was that I know Ma gave her the idea. It just made me so angry and I felt like they were both stealing all these things from me. Everything I wanted, all my ideas and plans, she was trying to make them hers. Or Ma was trying to make them Eileens. I'm not too sure but I wasn't happy with either of them. I cried and cried and thought I was never going to stop.
Why did it feel so bad and why were they "stealing" from me? I can't know the exact answer, but I do know that it made me feel alien and alone. Nobody had any idea what they were doing to me. They didn't seem to care either and it blew me away. Literally. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I didn't know who I was looking at. I didn't know what was happening but something was changing.
I kept on thinking about what Diann said to me weeks ago, that by listening to my intuition I'll know when I need to take the next step and I'll know what step that will be. For feeling so bad only just by hearing something that really hasn't got anything to do with me, had to mean something. I've never experienced anything like it before. Someone talking about something so casually and for me to have such an intense response to it and to make me depressed for 2 days solid..was the strangest thing. I must say it's happened before, but never to that extent. It made me feel so strange and so out-of-whack. It scared me in a way because I didn't know why it was happening.
Anyhow, I worked through it, by keeping myself to myself and interactions to a minimum for 2 days. Then on Friday night I knew something was different. I knew I was different. Something inside had changed. Like the click of a switch, I knew that I could make anything happen. Suddenly I knew I could have it all. And I knew it could be as soon as I wanted it to be. It was as if my mind-setting had changed as well as my way of thinking. It was like when I was traveling my way of thinking was fearless, without limits, without restrictions and it was all within my reach. My life was so adventurous and it was normal and my life was as it was supposed to be. I never knew what the next day, week or month would bring. It didn't matter whether I was in a job or not, the next day would still be exciting. Because if I wanted excitement, I'd get it. And Friday night that's the feeling I felt after so long. I've been feeling a lot of energy rushing round my body, literally, over the weeks and it's only been getting more, but this was different. It was like my mind wasn't closed-off anymore, even though I could hardly face up to anything or anyone for 2 days straight. My mind wasn't exhausted and it was as it was supposed to be. I knew that everything was within my reach. And I knew that it was time to make some decisions.
So with that thought I went to sleep and Saturday morning I was in good form. Everything seemed as if it could be so easy. Like everything used to be. Like traveling used to be. It was always so easy and nothing was a big deal. Nothing scared me. Nothing was impossible. I felt like that on Saturday for the first time in more than a year. It was liberating. It was reassuring. It gave me strength. It was brilliant. At one stage I was so excited, I just wanted to scream from the rooftops, how great it all was. I was overwhelmed to the point of dizziness. I lay on the sofa, for 5 minutes, with my head slightly hanging upside-down, my eyes closed and it was as if I was floating, I was flying, I was on rollercoaster, I was anywhere and everywhere, except lying on the sofa with my head slightly upside-down. It was the strangest feeling and I hadn't felt it in a long time.. I think they call it: high on life.
I was able to look in the mirror again without crying. Sometimes I would look myself straight in the eye and I'd get a fright. It would shock me to see what I saw. I can't give it an exact name. But I didn't recognize myself. I didn't see the person I had been looking at for the past year or more. Some sort of click had been made and all the crying and the bad feelings of Thursday and Friday made sense. I needed to go through that and I needed to hear Eileen talk about her life, for me to see that it's going to be my time pretty soon. I needed it to maybe make a decision as to where to go or what to do.
It's still only one step at a time even though I have started to make a few decisions. One decision will effect the other and I'm not too sure where to start. I'm weary of overdoing it and getting ahead of myself. But maybe that's what I need to keep this process going. I read once that once you have an idea, it starts as a tiny little light in your mind. With time that idea will grow if you stay focused on that idea or intention you have. Having patience and waiting for that idea to come to life, will help it grow and make it happen. So that's what I'm doing at the moment. A few ideas are festering away in my head and if I manage to stay focused and calm then these ideas will manifest themselves and everything will fall into place.
Patience, as usual, is all I need..
Childhood dreams 2
Without opportunities, experiences, feelings, there would be no balance in life itself or within ourselves. We all need balance. The whole world with all it's people. It's the key to what makes the world go round. For every rich, there's a poor, for every black, there's a white, for every sinner, there's a saint, for every weak, there's a strong. If everybody on this earth knew what they were here for and if everyone would get to play their part as it was intended, then would everybody be happy and fulfilled? Eventually, if everyone knew they were doing what was intended and taken everything out of each opportunity they come across, then yes everyone would soon enough be in touch with who they really are and diamonds would be shining.
In order for this to happen, there needs to be balance in life. Everyone has a purpose they but also everyone has to go through certain things to find out what that purpose is. For a sinner, there is a saint. But that saint could well have been a sinner at one stage in his life and needed to go through a certain process to become a saint. This person now has the tools to help and guide others that started out on the same path, as being a sinner.
Experiences happen because they are needed and when used correctly, balance will appear. With these experiences comes feelings and emotions which are needed and will also be balanced. For instance, for one person to express kindness, they will also have a mean-streak within them to be able to experience, show and most importantly know, that they are expressing kindness. For one person to express sadness, they have to have the ability to feel and show happiness, in order to establish and name this feeling that is occurring. Seeing that rough times are being had, can only be a guarantee that somewhere along the line, good times have been experienced and that they will be had again. The harder some stages in life can be the more happiness can be felt from the smallest little things. The difference between the two can be so huge that the feeling of being overwhelmed whenever good or bad, happiness or sadness occurs, is also huge. Which in turn makes life in itself a magical and wonderful thing .
Dwelling on the grief experienced during the bad times can stop us from seeing what's really going on. Emotions are to expressed and to be felt. We take responsibility for them. But they don't have to drag us down and to keep on throwing us off-course in the process. This only stops the natural flow of letting opportunities and coincidences take their course.
Some people describe it as being lucky but there's no such thing. There can be coincidences but they were meant to happen. All the talented sportsmen, politicians, designers, artists and actors might have had the opportunity to develop their talent and to create fortune beyond belief, within their lives. It's not about being lucky. It's what was intended and they just had certain opportunities presented to them, that other people who might have certain hidden talents, didn't have. But we all have it, inside of us. And so many people can't see it or might see it but choose to ignore it by making up excuses as to why it isn't possible to do what it is they've dreamed of doing all their lives. Everybody has a song to sing, and so many people leave this earth with that certain song, still inside of them. It never got to be expressed. It never got to breathe and therefore life was never granted to that song that waited so patiently to come alive. It never happened because that person told themselves over and over again that they've got all they want.. they've got their house, mortgage, steady job, pension, money in the bank and the latest possessions that everyone "needs" to have to make their lives better.
That's not what we are about. We're not meant to fill our lives with stuff. For example: We are all led to believe that the latest ipod, laptop or clothes will make us happy and fill us up. But it never will. Because in 6 months time, there's a newer version of the ipod and that's the next thing we have to have. And not until we have, will we be happy again. But that won't last either, because there'll be another upgrade we'll want to have. These things can never make us happy, they are convenient and keep us occupied, but that's all. To not be materialistic and to see what life is really about is far more precious. It gives wealth beyond belief. Because it won't matter what will happen in life, it won't matter what is taken away or what might be lost because being in touch with who you are and what you're meant to do, will bring joy in itself.
Our lifetime is like one big play. One big theatrical production. Each soul is the leading role in his or her production. And like every production..you can make it as big, small, dramatic, quiet, sad or amazing as you want. We are all the author of our own experiences. We make the choices and make things happen. We all have experiences and can take from them whatever it is we want. And whatever this tends to be, will also steer us in a certain direction in life. Again, our own choice. Then we continue to go a long our paths, hoping we're doing the right thing. Hoping we aren't going to mess up. But if we do, again it's our own choice as to what to do and learn from the mess we might have made. If we are doing what it is that's intended and are still happy within ourselves, it won't bother us if you mess up. Because just the reassurance of knowing that we'll never wake up one day and ask ourselves: Where did all my childhood dreams go? Who took them away from me? Can I still make them happen? We'll never ask ourselves these questions. Because we'll be living our dreams, they'll be ours to hold forever and we'll be making them happen. The key to it is never depending on other peoples judgement and opinions, never feeling beneath anyone and never feeling fear in the face of any challenge. Childhood dreams were once there, for a reason. They served a purpose, just like you do.
In order for this to happen, there needs to be balance in life. Everyone has a purpose they but also everyone has to go through certain things to find out what that purpose is. For a sinner, there is a saint. But that saint could well have been a sinner at one stage in his life and needed to go through a certain process to become a saint. This person now has the tools to help and guide others that started out on the same path, as being a sinner.
Experiences happen because they are needed and when used correctly, balance will appear. With these experiences comes feelings and emotions which are needed and will also be balanced. For instance, for one person to express kindness, they will also have a mean-streak within them to be able to experience, show and most importantly know, that they are expressing kindness. For one person to express sadness, they have to have the ability to feel and show happiness, in order to establish and name this feeling that is occurring. Seeing that rough times are being had, can only be a guarantee that somewhere along the line, good times have been experienced and that they will be had again. The harder some stages in life can be the more happiness can be felt from the smallest little things. The difference between the two can be so huge that the feeling of being overwhelmed whenever good or bad, happiness or sadness occurs, is also huge. Which in turn makes life in itself a magical and wonderful thing .
Dwelling on the grief experienced during the bad times can stop us from seeing what's really going on. Emotions are to expressed and to be felt. We take responsibility for them. But they don't have to drag us down and to keep on throwing us off-course in the process. This only stops the natural flow of letting opportunities and coincidences take their course.
Some people describe it as being lucky but there's no such thing. There can be coincidences but they were meant to happen. All the talented sportsmen, politicians, designers, artists and actors might have had the opportunity to develop their talent and to create fortune beyond belief, within their lives. It's not about being lucky. It's what was intended and they just had certain opportunities presented to them, that other people who might have certain hidden talents, didn't have. But we all have it, inside of us. And so many people can't see it or might see it but choose to ignore it by making up excuses as to why it isn't possible to do what it is they've dreamed of doing all their lives. Everybody has a song to sing, and so many people leave this earth with that certain song, still inside of them. It never got to be expressed. It never got to breathe and therefore life was never granted to that song that waited so patiently to come alive. It never happened because that person told themselves over and over again that they've got all they want.. they've got their house, mortgage, steady job, pension, money in the bank and the latest possessions that everyone "needs" to have to make their lives better.
That's not what we are about. We're not meant to fill our lives with stuff. For example: We are all led to believe that the latest ipod, laptop or clothes will make us happy and fill us up. But it never will. Because in 6 months time, there's a newer version of the ipod and that's the next thing we have to have. And not until we have, will we be happy again. But that won't last either, because there'll be another upgrade we'll want to have. These things can never make us happy, they are convenient and keep us occupied, but that's all. To not be materialistic and to see what life is really about is far more precious. It gives wealth beyond belief. Because it won't matter what will happen in life, it won't matter what is taken away or what might be lost because being in touch with who you are and what you're meant to do, will bring joy in itself.
Our lifetime is like one big play. One big theatrical production. Each soul is the leading role in his or her production. And like every production..you can make it as big, small, dramatic, quiet, sad or amazing as you want. We are all the author of our own experiences. We make the choices and make things happen. We all have experiences and can take from them whatever it is we want. And whatever this tends to be, will also steer us in a certain direction in life. Again, our own choice. Then we continue to go a long our paths, hoping we're doing the right thing. Hoping we aren't going to mess up. But if we do, again it's our own choice as to what to do and learn from the mess we might have made. If we are doing what it is that's intended and are still happy within ourselves, it won't bother us if you mess up. Because just the reassurance of knowing that we'll never wake up one day and ask ourselves: Where did all my childhood dreams go? Who took them away from me? Can I still make them happen? We'll never ask ourselves these questions. Because we'll be living our dreams, they'll be ours to hold forever and we'll be making them happen. The key to it is never depending on other peoples judgement and opinions, never feeling beneath anyone and never feeling fear in the face of any challenge. Childhood dreams were once there, for a reason. They served a purpose, just like you do.
Childhood dreams 1
To do in life, what your heart desires. How do you know what it is? How can you make it happen? Who can tell you if you're heading in the right direction? Where do you find the answer as to what this desire is? Is it just by being lucky or is it by taking every opportunity that comes along and facing what it is you've dreamed of, without fear or restraint? How do we make the dreams we once had, become reality?
When you were a child and a grown-up would ask you what it is you want to be when you grow up.. What was the answer? The world was you're oyster.. I always remember the thoughts of being all grown-up and thinking how different the world would be and how different I would be. It was always like looking at someone else who had the most amazing job in the world. I always remember thinking I'd look different. I'd feel different and be someone different. I'd be excited at the thought of being able to be apart of the world that was so busy and big and do whatever it was I wanted to do. The possibilities seemed endless when I was young.
Every grown-up can probably remember what it felt like when they were a child thinking and imagining what the world would be like when they would finally be looking at it through the eyes of an adult. And suddenly that image starts to change. It fades away and so many things start to get in the way of those fantasies and dreams and before we know it, we're are actually that grown-up we once thought we'd never be and the fantasies we once had as a child are only a distant memory. They are now unrealistic. They are now out of reach. They are maybe even silly. Because we're now rational adults with responsibilities and we could never fantasize about what could still be ours..because we are led to believe that that just isn't what real life is about.
But if that's not what life's about..then what is it about?
That brings up the question: What's the meaning of life and why are we here? And I know for certain that everyone, at one point or another, has asked themselves these questions. However not everyone finds the answer. They either don't believe they are special enough to have a certain purpose or they might not think they have the right "tools" or opportunities they require to find their "calling" and to live their dream. Some people might feel like they've realized too late in life that they're doing things and going through life in a manner they had never imagined they would, when they were still young and excited by the fact that they had the world at their feet. They might feel like they have to keep it real and that means dreams shouldn't be fulfilled and it means that finding their purpose is just for the people who have the material wealth to make it happen.
If everyone were to look back over their lives, no matter at what age, they would see that everything that has happened in their lives, is linked to certain decisions that were made and followed through. These experiences got them to where they are right now. So only by realizing this should be proof enough that life is exactly what you make it. It's the decisions and choices. And if someone chooses to follow through their dreams then who is to say that it's not possible? Society? The culture we live in? Anything is possible if judgement and opinions aren't influencing you.
So what is the meaning of a persons life who has been planted in a certain place, at a certain time, to experience a certain upbringing and to go through certain lessons in life while ignoring their hearts-desires because of having followed the herd or having tried to follow their hearts-desires but got side-tracked along the way? Who holds the answer and when does someone know if it really is what they're meant to be doing and not just convincing themselves to be someone they want to be, but actually aren't? The answer is right there in the question.. It's a desire from the heart. So who holds the answer? The heart holds it. Just by listening to it and tuning in to the feelings it's giving you and forcing you to express, you'll know if it's what you're meant to be doing. You'll be real and won't be convincing yourself that it's who you want to be. Because it won't be a question of want, but a question of need. If the feeling is that strong you won't be ABLE to ignore it and you won't WANT to ignore it either because nothing will feel right until you're following your heart.
They say that within each person there's a talent and each person has a passion for something. Every person is different, with a different background, a different culture, different beliefs. So the journey each person takes is different, as their calling is different, as their talents are different. Doing something that was intended, something that feels natural, something that you cannot live without and something that comes from the heart. It's effortless and it's timeless. Timeless as in: you have it in you, no matter how young or old you are and when doing this certain thing, the world could stop spinning, time could speed up or slow down, but nothing would influence it or you. Time isn't an issue.
We all have different roads that we follow and different needs, desires and dreams. But at the end of the day we all want the same thing and that's to be happy. By doing that certain something you can feel fulfilled and it can be your calling. It's what makes you unique, independent and knowledgeable. It's what gives you confidence and makes you feel worthy. You then don't feel like a waste of space, a waste of time or non-deserving. And you appreciate all that you've been given and the opportunities that you've come across to make certain things happen that will make you happy. And you know that it's not down to luck, or misfortune, or unfairness. This has nothing to do with it. It's what was meant to happen so there'll be no regrets and no grief. The diamond will shine because you know it's in there and you're expressing it through what you do..
.....
When you were a child and a grown-up would ask you what it is you want to be when you grow up.. What was the answer? The world was you're oyster.. I always remember the thoughts of being all grown-up and thinking how different the world would be and how different I would be. It was always like looking at someone else who had the most amazing job in the world. I always remember thinking I'd look different. I'd feel different and be someone different. I'd be excited at the thought of being able to be apart of the world that was so busy and big and do whatever it was I wanted to do. The possibilities seemed endless when I was young.
Every grown-up can probably remember what it felt like when they were a child thinking and imagining what the world would be like when they would finally be looking at it through the eyes of an adult. And suddenly that image starts to change. It fades away and so many things start to get in the way of those fantasies and dreams and before we know it, we're are actually that grown-up we once thought we'd never be and the fantasies we once had as a child are only a distant memory. They are now unrealistic. They are now out of reach. They are maybe even silly. Because we're now rational adults with responsibilities and we could never fantasize about what could still be ours..because we are led to believe that that just isn't what real life is about.
But if that's not what life's about..then what is it about?
That brings up the question: What's the meaning of life and why are we here? And I know for certain that everyone, at one point or another, has asked themselves these questions. However not everyone finds the answer. They either don't believe they are special enough to have a certain purpose or they might not think they have the right "tools" or opportunities they require to find their "calling" and to live their dream. Some people might feel like they've realized too late in life that they're doing things and going through life in a manner they had never imagined they would, when they were still young and excited by the fact that they had the world at their feet. They might feel like they have to keep it real and that means dreams shouldn't be fulfilled and it means that finding their purpose is just for the people who have the material wealth to make it happen.
If everyone were to look back over their lives, no matter at what age, they would see that everything that has happened in their lives, is linked to certain decisions that were made and followed through. These experiences got them to where they are right now. So only by realizing this should be proof enough that life is exactly what you make it. It's the decisions and choices. And if someone chooses to follow through their dreams then who is to say that it's not possible? Society? The culture we live in? Anything is possible if judgement and opinions aren't influencing you.
So what is the meaning of a persons life who has been planted in a certain place, at a certain time, to experience a certain upbringing and to go through certain lessons in life while ignoring their hearts-desires because of having followed the herd or having tried to follow their hearts-desires but got side-tracked along the way? Who holds the answer and when does someone know if it really is what they're meant to be doing and not just convincing themselves to be someone they want to be, but actually aren't? The answer is right there in the question.. It's a desire from the heart. So who holds the answer? The heart holds it. Just by listening to it and tuning in to the feelings it's giving you and forcing you to express, you'll know if it's what you're meant to be doing. You'll be real and won't be convincing yourself that it's who you want to be. Because it won't be a question of want, but a question of need. If the feeling is that strong you won't be ABLE to ignore it and you won't WANT to ignore it either because nothing will feel right until you're following your heart.
They say that within each person there's a talent and each person has a passion for something. Every person is different, with a different background, a different culture, different beliefs. So the journey each person takes is different, as their calling is different, as their talents are different. Doing something that was intended, something that feels natural, something that you cannot live without and something that comes from the heart. It's effortless and it's timeless. Timeless as in: you have it in you, no matter how young or old you are and when doing this certain thing, the world could stop spinning, time could speed up or slow down, but nothing would influence it or you. Time isn't an issue.
We all have different roads that we follow and different needs, desires and dreams. But at the end of the day we all want the same thing and that's to be happy. By doing that certain something you can feel fulfilled and it can be your calling. It's what makes you unique, independent and knowledgeable. It's what gives you confidence and makes you feel worthy. You then don't feel like a waste of space, a waste of time or non-deserving. And you appreciate all that you've been given and the opportunities that you've come across to make certain things happen that will make you happy. And you know that it's not down to luck, or misfortune, or unfairness. This has nothing to do with it. It's what was meant to happen so there'll be no regrets and no grief. The diamond will shine because you know it's in there and you're expressing it through what you do..
.....
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Change is on the way
Something is changing however I'm not too sure what
Something is odd because it's someone I'm not
Something is different but I can't give it a name
Something is at other times never again to be the same
A change is being made by someone I don't know
A change is being undergone and soon it will show
A change is being encountered as each day goes by
A change is being seen without anybody knowing why
What is different and who will tell me what it might be
What is different that can feel familiar and warm to me
What is different and why is it not odd but still strange
What is different or maybe there is really no big change
Who can tell me where this feeling has suddenly come from
Who can tell me what I should do before it might be gone
Who can tell me whether it's really and truly what I'm feeling
Who can tell me if this is a part of the process of healing
Somewhere I can feel that there's no need to be scared
Somewhere I can see that with this change, I'm still being dared
Somewhere I can know that a change doesn't have to be amazing
Somewhere I can tell myself however that my fire inside is blazing
The heart is the place where I know if something has occurred
The heart is the place where I can feel if something is being stirred
The heart is the place that will tell me if this is what I can trust
The heart is the place that holds the answers and no more dust
I will know if it's a difference on which I can depend
I will know if this change is strong enough so I can mend
I will know if this something is genuine, familiar yet unique
I will know if this feeling is the key to my life of mystic
Bring on the world and the change as it feels appealing
Bring on the world and let me embrace this feeling
Bring on the world and so I can express this difference inside
Bring on the world and let the roller coaster continue to ride...
Something is odd because it's someone I'm not
Something is different but I can't give it a name
Something is at other times never again to be the same
A change is being made by someone I don't know
A change is being undergone and soon it will show
A change is being encountered as each day goes by
A change is being seen without anybody knowing why
What is different and who will tell me what it might be
What is different that can feel familiar and warm to me
What is different and why is it not odd but still strange
What is different or maybe there is really no big change
Who can tell me where this feeling has suddenly come from
Who can tell me what I should do before it might be gone
Who can tell me whether it's really and truly what I'm feeling
Who can tell me if this is a part of the process of healing
Somewhere I can feel that there's no need to be scared
Somewhere I can see that with this change, I'm still being dared
Somewhere I can know that a change doesn't have to be amazing
Somewhere I can tell myself however that my fire inside is blazing
The heart is the place where I know if something has occurred
The heart is the place where I can feel if something is being stirred
The heart is the place that will tell me if this is what I can trust
The heart is the place that holds the answers and no more dust
I will know if it's a difference on which I can depend
I will know if this change is strong enough so I can mend
I will know if this something is genuine, familiar yet unique
I will know if this feeling is the key to my life of mystic
Bring on the world and the change as it feels appealing
Bring on the world and let me embrace this feeling
Bring on the world and so I can express this difference inside
Bring on the world and let the roller coaster continue to ride...
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