Who knew it could be heard, Who knew it could be felt
Being aware of what it is your meant to do
By listening and feeling signals coming through
It's always been there, It will always remain
Just learning what it wants and what it needs
And realizing that it's only me that can sew the seeds
Just like the clock, Just like the time
It can control my day or plan my life
However it's a positive control with health in sight
Nobody's clock can be compared, Nobody's body is alike
Pleasures, pain and feelings of a different kind
Owning and knowing my body and the cure only I can find
The process that is human, the process of being
Learning that it's natural, it's allowed and it's good
And the needs of the body can be taught to be understood
There's nothing more important, nothing more fulfilling
To know how to treat, nurture, nourish and take good care
Because my body ticks constantly with a soul of which I'm aware
Saturday, September 13, 2008
My Friday Night
An extremely "exciting" start to my weekend, last night. My Friday night. I was restless, home alone and didn't want to sit on my backside all night in front of the telly, doing nothing. So I decided to do some work on my photo-albums from Australia. (There's a program I've downloaded on the computer, and you can make up these real cool looking books, filled with whatever photo's you want).
I spent hours and hours, going through them all. It took me back and I was reliving it all again. Looking at myself in these pictures was so strange. I was 15 kilo's heavier, looked 10 years younger (even though I was only 2 years younger) and I was like a mad-hatter on all of them. I couldn't believe that was me. It was like I was taking a glimpse at somebody else's life.. It was somebody else's adventure. So weird.
Anyhow, The photo's I was sorting were from my first few months in Oz. During this time, I was working with an fellow called Jason. He's like a proper true blue Ozzie, like the "bush man".. or Tarzan even. He's the best ever, and became one of the most precious people I met during my year in Oz. We lost touch once I left. I didn't really think that I would be able to contact him, seeing as though he doesn't have email (yeah, that's just how much of a Tarzan he is..haha).
Only recently, around 3 or 4 weeks ago, I contacted him again. All of sudden I felt this urge to try get in touch. So I dug out his old mobile number, sent him a text, just to see if he got them. I didn't expect anything back but straight away he replied! I couldn't believe it. I hadn't heard from him for over a year, and it was so great just to send a few texts back and forth.
He then rang me 2 weeks ago. On a Friday morning (I haven't told anybody this by the way), it was 09.30am, I was having my breakfast, and my mobile rang.. it said "Jason calling"..it was flashing at me.. Oh god, my heart was pounding, I was nervous, I didn't know what to do. So I just let it ring. I ignored it. How bad is that? He was on the other side of the world, ringing an Irish mobile number, to chat to me, and I didn't even have the guts or decency to answer it. But ever since, we've still been texting, and he said he'll ring me again. And then I'll definitely be picking up the phone. The reason why I didn't pick up, was because he'd want know everything I'm up to, and I wouldn't be able to avoid telling him about the situation I'm in right now. It's so much to explain, and maybe I don't want him to think any less of me, or maybe it's the shame of it all. I'm not too sure. So I wrote him a letter.. This was only a week ago, so he hasn't got it yet. But he should do, shortly..
Last night, when I was going through the pictures, all I could think about was the day we'll meet each other again. I'm pretty sure it will happen, but when, I haven't a clue. I worked with him, and he said I have a job with him for life. All I have to do is pick up the phone.
Once I was finished on the computer, I sat down, to watch some South Park, just gazing at the screen, not taking anything in, still in Australia with my thoughts, thinking about the laughs, the adventures, the people.. It was 01.00 am, and I suddenly got a text.. guess who.. Jason! Texting, just to let me know he was thinking of me. Well, that was freaky. The distance..so far, both on different timezones, with different lives but at the exact same moment we were on one wave length.. How special is that.
It was like a "sign"..I know, I always read a lot into stuff like that, I can't help it. Maybe it was just a coincidence..
Anyhow, I then tried to get to sleep.. But this wasn't Happening. All I was doing, was trying to come up with clever plans to get me traveling again. I finally drifted off, and I then dreamt that I was back working with Jason. My mind was running a marathon up until this morning. It was tiring and I can't really explain what happened, but it felt like I had lived through a whole scene of events.. it was like there was a whole life I had been living, in the space of 7 hours. It was pretty cool.
I am so happy that dreams were once "invented"..(whoever came up with the theory of giving people the power to dream was a genius..haha) They are the best thing ever. Escaping from reality, being able to go anywhere you want. Creating your "story", your journey, your imagination. Even if they only last for a few minutes, they can still be powerful and effect your daily life positively, if you really want it..
I appreciate dreams so much right now.
So much triggered, just because I didn't want to sit on my backside in front of the telly last night.. Isn't life funny...
I spent hours and hours, going through them all. It took me back and I was reliving it all again. Looking at myself in these pictures was so strange. I was 15 kilo's heavier, looked 10 years younger (even though I was only 2 years younger) and I was like a mad-hatter on all of them. I couldn't believe that was me. It was like I was taking a glimpse at somebody else's life.. It was somebody else's adventure. So weird.
Anyhow, The photo's I was sorting were from my first few months in Oz. During this time, I was working with an fellow called Jason. He's like a proper true blue Ozzie, like the "bush man".. or Tarzan even. He's the best ever, and became one of the most precious people I met during my year in Oz. We lost touch once I left. I didn't really think that I would be able to contact him, seeing as though he doesn't have email (yeah, that's just how much of a Tarzan he is..haha).
Only recently, around 3 or 4 weeks ago, I contacted him again. All of sudden I felt this urge to try get in touch. So I dug out his old mobile number, sent him a text, just to see if he got them. I didn't expect anything back but straight away he replied! I couldn't believe it. I hadn't heard from him for over a year, and it was so great just to send a few texts back and forth.
He then rang me 2 weeks ago. On a Friday morning (I haven't told anybody this by the way), it was 09.30am, I was having my breakfast, and my mobile rang.. it said "Jason calling"..it was flashing at me.. Oh god, my heart was pounding, I was nervous, I didn't know what to do. So I just let it ring. I ignored it. How bad is that? He was on the other side of the world, ringing an Irish mobile number, to chat to me, and I didn't even have the guts or decency to answer it. But ever since, we've still been texting, and he said he'll ring me again. And then I'll definitely be picking up the phone. The reason why I didn't pick up, was because he'd want know everything I'm up to, and I wouldn't be able to avoid telling him about the situation I'm in right now. It's so much to explain, and maybe I don't want him to think any less of me, or maybe it's the shame of it all. I'm not too sure. So I wrote him a letter.. This was only a week ago, so he hasn't got it yet. But he should do, shortly..
Last night, when I was going through the pictures, all I could think about was the day we'll meet each other again. I'm pretty sure it will happen, but when, I haven't a clue. I worked with him, and he said I have a job with him for life. All I have to do is pick up the phone.
Once I was finished on the computer, I sat down, to watch some South Park, just gazing at the screen, not taking anything in, still in Australia with my thoughts, thinking about the laughs, the adventures, the people.. It was 01.00 am, and I suddenly got a text.. guess who.. Jason! Texting, just to let me know he was thinking of me. Well, that was freaky. The distance..so far, both on different timezones, with different lives but at the exact same moment we were on one wave length.. How special is that.
It was like a "sign"..I know, I always read a lot into stuff like that, I can't help it. Maybe it was just a coincidence..
Anyhow, I then tried to get to sleep.. But this wasn't Happening. All I was doing, was trying to come up with clever plans to get me traveling again. I finally drifted off, and I then dreamt that I was back working with Jason. My mind was running a marathon up until this morning. It was tiring and I can't really explain what happened, but it felt like I had lived through a whole scene of events.. it was like there was a whole life I had been living, in the space of 7 hours. It was pretty cool.
I am so happy that dreams were once "invented"..(whoever came up with the theory of giving people the power to dream was a genius..haha) They are the best thing ever. Escaping from reality, being able to go anywhere you want. Creating your "story", your journey, your imagination. Even if they only last for a few minutes, they can still be powerful and effect your daily life positively, if you really want it..
I appreciate dreams so much right now.
So much triggered, just because I didn't want to sit on my backside in front of the telly last night.. Isn't life funny...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Time and Time again
A minute passes, an hour has gone by, the day is once again over..
Everyday, constantly, all the "TIME"..
Time can suddenly seem irrelevant, controlling and vague. It's a man-made concept. It's made to "measure".. Living from day to day. Living through the minutes and hours, through the days, weeks, months and years. They pass, they've gone, we've lived through them.
We can't get them back. They are untouchable, nobody can see or hear them.
But we can feel that they have passed. The way the many many minutes, hours and days keep stacking up, as if they are thrown on a heap.. to create a "mountain of time". Whether it's being wasted or cherished, time is forever changing the world, changing lives, changing you.
"Time is a healer". So does that mean I can get it from the chemist? Do I need a prescription from the doctor? What dosage do I need? What happens if somebody takes an overdose of time? Just because they want to get better as soon as possible.. How dangerous can that be? I wonder has it ever lead to people being worse off.. people getting sicker than they were before they started this medication called "time".. Maybe a dosage should be taken with some drops of "patience". It that the best cure? The answer: "Time will tell". That's strange too.. Because you then might realize that the dosage of time was too much, and it's too late.. The damage is done and you would wish that "you could turn back time". But this isn't an option, because it has passed, the time is gone. There's no getting it back. We don't know where it has gone. We couldn't see it to start with. The only evidence we have of the time having passed, is the progress we make as we live daily life and the feelings that come and go.
We're all here, put on this earth, billions and billions of little people.. feeding our bodies, to keep us alive, making a journey that feels never ending, for a certain amount of time, just to do our bit to keep world spinning. Ruled and controlled by the clock on the wall, by calendars and dates.
Does everyone have a vision of the calendar imprinted in their brain, through which they live their life? Thinking in years to come, things will suddenly be different.. Worrying that we won't know how we'll make it through to another stage in our life..And then it's just happened, without even realizing it. Time had a certain control over it, it pushed us through it, because whatever needed doing at that moment in time was "there", we couldn't overlooking it, not for a precious moment.. And it's these moments that make the days, days make time, and time passes, and time changes us and suddenly it's all okay.. and STILL the clock keeps ticking and the days come and go..
Analyzing "time", is endless. There is no conclusion.. just a lot of confusion.
One thing that's for certain, today is for living. Just like life is for living. Don't wish time away, because it will happen at the exact same pace, without us forcing it or working against it.. So why do either? Just going with it, living it and enjoying it..
Chasing tomorrow, how long is the race?
Chasing tomorrow, avoiding the fears we might face
Chasing tomorrow and not appreciating today
Chasing tomorrow, what a shame, some might say
Forgetting yesterday and the possible regret
Forgetting yesterday and the people we met
Forgetting yesterday, is that not a shame?
Forgetting yesterday, but isn't that our frame?
Living today, Because tomorrow is never here
Living today, after learning from yesterday's fear
Living today and not joining the race
Living today is cherishing the moment we must embrace.
Everyday, constantly, all the "TIME"..
Time can suddenly seem irrelevant, controlling and vague. It's a man-made concept. It's made to "measure".. Living from day to day. Living through the minutes and hours, through the days, weeks, months and years. They pass, they've gone, we've lived through them.
We can't get them back. They are untouchable, nobody can see or hear them.
But we can feel that they have passed. The way the many many minutes, hours and days keep stacking up, as if they are thrown on a heap.. to create a "mountain of time". Whether it's being wasted or cherished, time is forever changing the world, changing lives, changing you.
"Time is a healer". So does that mean I can get it from the chemist? Do I need a prescription from the doctor? What dosage do I need? What happens if somebody takes an overdose of time? Just because they want to get better as soon as possible.. How dangerous can that be? I wonder has it ever lead to people being worse off.. people getting sicker than they were before they started this medication called "time".. Maybe a dosage should be taken with some drops of "patience". It that the best cure? The answer: "Time will tell". That's strange too.. Because you then might realize that the dosage of time was too much, and it's too late.. The damage is done and you would wish that "you could turn back time". But this isn't an option, because it has passed, the time is gone. There's no getting it back. We don't know where it has gone. We couldn't see it to start with. The only evidence we have of the time having passed, is the progress we make as we live daily life and the feelings that come and go.
We're all here, put on this earth, billions and billions of little people.. feeding our bodies, to keep us alive, making a journey that feels never ending, for a certain amount of time, just to do our bit to keep world spinning. Ruled and controlled by the clock on the wall, by calendars and dates.
Does everyone have a vision of the calendar imprinted in their brain, through which they live their life? Thinking in years to come, things will suddenly be different.. Worrying that we won't know how we'll make it through to another stage in our life..And then it's just happened, without even realizing it. Time had a certain control over it, it pushed us through it, because whatever needed doing at that moment in time was "there", we couldn't overlooking it, not for a precious moment.. And it's these moments that make the days, days make time, and time passes, and time changes us and suddenly it's all okay.. and STILL the clock keeps ticking and the days come and go..
Analyzing "time", is endless. There is no conclusion.. just a lot of confusion.
One thing that's for certain, today is for living. Just like life is for living. Don't wish time away, because it will happen at the exact same pace, without us forcing it or working against it.. So why do either? Just going with it, living it and enjoying it..
Chasing tomorrow, how long is the race?
Chasing tomorrow, avoiding the fears we might face
Chasing tomorrow and not appreciating today
Chasing tomorrow, what a shame, some might say
Forgetting yesterday and the possible regret
Forgetting yesterday and the people we met
Forgetting yesterday, is that not a shame?
Forgetting yesterday, but isn't that our frame?
Living today, Because tomorrow is never here
Living today, after learning from yesterday's fear
Living today and not joining the race
Living today is cherishing the moment we must embrace.
Sweet Spuds, Gillian McGee and Hamster Cheeks
This weeks' food-plan.
It hasn't been easy, but I've been doing fine.
My menu:
-Yogurt + 3 tablespoons of muesli and nuts
-Supplement number 1
-Piece of fruit
-Tofu sausage
-1/2 sweet potato
-Supplement number 2
-Glass of fresh orange juice
-Dinner (noodle or rice with chicken or fish)
-Glass of fresh watermelon juice
-Piece of fruit
-Supplement number 3
That's quite a lot isn't it..? Well, I think so anyway. My plate at dinnertime is always scraped, which is good. I'm still going strong on that front. The extra tablespoon of muesli, I added myself.. It wasn't suggested by Diann.. I just wanted it, so I added it! My choice!
Diann said last week, that if I wanted to try something different or add something that I feel comfortable with, it's okay. Now and then I do think.. "Hummm..what could I do differently?". But I'm scared that I might be pushing myself too far.. Because my daily menu at the moment, is extremely challenging and the fact that I am eating it all, in itself is a big thing. So I don't want to throw myself "off-guard" by doing something else "extreme". I guess, I'm afraid to let my guard down. Once it's down, I'm afraid I won't be able to contain myself. Because I can enjoy food. Some meals are absolutely gorgeous.. Like yesterday I had prawns.. I enjoyed them so much, I didn't say the words out loud, I can't force the words past my lips for some reason.. (this goes for a lot meals by the way, so Mam, now you know, just because I don't say that it's a lovely meal, doesn't mean I'm not thinking it).. but I said them to myself, over and over again.. They were delicious. Mr Acupuncturist also asked me if I'm enjoying my food. And sometimes I am. For instance, it doesn't matter how full and fat I'm feeling, at night I always look forward to my breakfast in the morning.. The strangest thing. Sometimes it's so strong, that I would want to go to bed as early as possible, so that the morning comes sooner..and then it's breakfast time again.. (like when we were kids, on Christmas eve.. going to bed as early as possible so tomorrow will come sooner).
But I haven't dared trying anything different yet. Every week, I'm still being pushed out of my comfort-zone a little bit more, when new foods are added. So as long as these pushes are small but frequent, I'll adjust slowly and hopefully soon, I'll challenge myself with something new.. But only when it's MY choice and nobody else's.
Eating the spud, isn't too bad. It's a sweet potato, which I only tasted for the first time this week. They are nicer than normal spuds.. you can compare them to pumpkin.. and I love pumpkin. So that's a bonus. I bake it, in the oven, with some garlic and sage.. the smell in the house is gorgeous, especially when I'm grilling the sausage at the same time.. Do you see what I just did there.. I described food in a delicious fashion.. Bet you are mouthwatering now..!!??
As I was having the first spud this week, I sat on the coach, looking at it.. and I suddenly had this vision of a mountain of spuds that I'd have to eat the following months..I panicked.. thinking: "O No, How on earth will I ever be able to eat that mountain?". But those are just stupid thoughts.. Because I don't have to eat them all at once..haha. Then a quote I read in a book a while ago, came into my head: "As with any addiction, quiting smoking for instance, take it one day at a time. Don't think about never smoking for years and years to come..Just today, just focus on now". This was just 1/2 a spud. That's all. This one meal, nothing more nothing less. And then the panic went away, and I quite enjoyed it.
I don't know if any of you know the program "You are what you eat". If not, it's about a certain person, who has an unhealthy diet, and Gillian McGee (presenter) tries to convert this person to healthy eating habits. At the beginning of the program she always puts absolutely EVERYTHING they eat ans drink in the space of a week, on a table. It's horrific to see the amount that goes through one person's digestive system. I had visions of her doing that with my weekly menu..and in the middle of the table there was this mountain of spuds.. It sounds so stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it. It was actually quite funny, in a weird kind of way. I could just hear her now.."Niamh, you're eating far too many carbs.." But I need carbs, I know. I need all the food I'm eating.
However I wonder when Diann is going to stop adding extra's. I don't know my exact calorie intake, but I know it should be around 3000 calories. If it isn't, I'm probably working myself up to this, and then I need to keep it there for as long as it takes for my body to be restrengthened.
But I still try to compare my food-plan to that of a "normal" person. Just trying to figure out if I'm now eating like a normal person and it just feels like a lot, or if I actually AM eating MORE than an average female my age..humm... I know, there's really no comparison, because I have to eat more than a "normal" 25 year old, to put on weight. But still.. Anybody want to enlighten me on their weekly menu? Is there actually anybody who knows what they eat all week?
I do it.. I have done for more than a year now.. a food diary.. a weird ritual.. But that's for a later date..
Back to the food..yeah, well the supplements have been going okay, not too bad. Usually I don't mind taking them. I'm still not too sure for how much longer I should be taking them..(whenever they are making me feel disgusting and I'm hating them, I have visions of me, going traveling, with a backpack full of cartons of these supplements..just to keep me going.. no clothes or toiletries..nothing..just energy drinks.. but that's just my imagination). But I know that I'm not ready to give them up just yet. I need them. It will probably be time to cut down on them, when I feel that I can make up the missing 900 calories (that's how much I get from them, each day) by eating. At the moment.. there's no chance of that happening..
Sometimes they make me feel sick.. like yesterday. But that's okay, I can live with that if it's only once in a while.
As for my stomach being bloated.. It has become permanent, so I don't really pay too much attention to that anymore. My belly is always swollen, it's always full of food (that sounds disgusting doesn't it..)..I'm not creating a "beer-belly" but I'm creating a "supplement-belly".. It's just sticking out all the time.. I look like a cartoon character.. If I were to be in Paris now, for example, and a street artist were to draw a picture of me, in a funny cartoon-theme (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about..), I would have this head with MASSIVE hamster cheeks and massive belly with the rest just twigs..would probably be quite a funny picture..huummm..anybody up for a trip to Paris..haha, only joking). Getting slightly sidetracked.. So, not until the rest of me starts to expand and I start storing muscle, tissue and fats, will my stomach blend in with the rest of me.. I'm hoping anyway. It should get back into proportion, but until then, I'll keep on training my neck muscles trying to keep my head and cheeks in the "up-right" position.. The strain is unreal..haha..
I'm signing off for now.. My 1/2 a spud is waiting.. the smell...humm....
It hasn't been easy, but I've been doing fine.
My menu:
-Yogurt + 3 tablespoons of muesli and nuts
-Supplement number 1
-Piece of fruit
-Tofu sausage
-1/2 sweet potato
-Supplement number 2
-Glass of fresh orange juice
-Dinner (noodle or rice with chicken or fish)
-Glass of fresh watermelon juice
-Piece of fruit
-Supplement number 3
That's quite a lot isn't it..? Well, I think so anyway. My plate at dinnertime is always scraped, which is good. I'm still going strong on that front. The extra tablespoon of muesli, I added myself.. It wasn't suggested by Diann.. I just wanted it, so I added it! My choice!
Diann said last week, that if I wanted to try something different or add something that I feel comfortable with, it's okay. Now and then I do think.. "Hummm..what could I do differently?". But I'm scared that I might be pushing myself too far.. Because my daily menu at the moment, is extremely challenging and the fact that I am eating it all, in itself is a big thing. So I don't want to throw myself "off-guard" by doing something else "extreme". I guess, I'm afraid to let my guard down. Once it's down, I'm afraid I won't be able to contain myself. Because I can enjoy food. Some meals are absolutely gorgeous.. Like yesterday I had prawns.. I enjoyed them so much, I didn't say the words out loud, I can't force the words past my lips for some reason.. (this goes for a lot meals by the way, so Mam, now you know, just because I don't say that it's a lovely meal, doesn't mean I'm not thinking it).. but I said them to myself, over and over again.. They were delicious. Mr Acupuncturist also asked me if I'm enjoying my food. And sometimes I am. For instance, it doesn't matter how full and fat I'm feeling, at night I always look forward to my breakfast in the morning.. The strangest thing. Sometimes it's so strong, that I would want to go to bed as early as possible, so that the morning comes sooner..and then it's breakfast time again.. (like when we were kids, on Christmas eve.. going to bed as early as possible so tomorrow will come sooner).
But I haven't dared trying anything different yet. Every week, I'm still being pushed out of my comfort-zone a little bit more, when new foods are added. So as long as these pushes are small but frequent, I'll adjust slowly and hopefully soon, I'll challenge myself with something new.. But only when it's MY choice and nobody else's.
Eating the spud, isn't too bad. It's a sweet potato, which I only tasted for the first time this week. They are nicer than normal spuds.. you can compare them to pumpkin.. and I love pumpkin. So that's a bonus. I bake it, in the oven, with some garlic and sage.. the smell in the house is gorgeous, especially when I'm grilling the sausage at the same time.. Do you see what I just did there.. I described food in a delicious fashion.. Bet you are mouthwatering now..!!??
As I was having the first spud this week, I sat on the coach, looking at it.. and I suddenly had this vision of a mountain of spuds that I'd have to eat the following months..I panicked.. thinking: "O No, How on earth will I ever be able to eat that mountain?". But those are just stupid thoughts.. Because I don't have to eat them all at once..haha. Then a quote I read in a book a while ago, came into my head: "As with any addiction, quiting smoking for instance, take it one day at a time. Don't think about never smoking for years and years to come..Just today, just focus on now". This was just 1/2 a spud. That's all. This one meal, nothing more nothing less. And then the panic went away, and I quite enjoyed it.
I don't know if any of you know the program "You are what you eat". If not, it's about a certain person, who has an unhealthy diet, and Gillian McGee (presenter) tries to convert this person to healthy eating habits. At the beginning of the program she always puts absolutely EVERYTHING they eat ans drink in the space of a week, on a table. It's horrific to see the amount that goes through one person's digestive system. I had visions of her doing that with my weekly menu..and in the middle of the table there was this mountain of spuds.. It sounds so stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it. It was actually quite funny, in a weird kind of way. I could just hear her now.."Niamh, you're eating far too many carbs.." But I need carbs, I know. I need all the food I'm eating.
However I wonder when Diann is going to stop adding extra's. I don't know my exact calorie intake, but I know it should be around 3000 calories. If it isn't, I'm probably working myself up to this, and then I need to keep it there for as long as it takes for my body to be restrengthened.
But I still try to compare my food-plan to that of a "normal" person. Just trying to figure out if I'm now eating like a normal person and it just feels like a lot, or if I actually AM eating MORE than an average female my age..humm... I know, there's really no comparison, because I have to eat more than a "normal" 25 year old, to put on weight. But still.. Anybody want to enlighten me on their weekly menu? Is there actually anybody who knows what they eat all week?
I do it.. I have done for more than a year now.. a food diary.. a weird ritual.. But that's for a later date..
Back to the food..yeah, well the supplements have been going okay, not too bad. Usually I don't mind taking them. I'm still not too sure for how much longer I should be taking them..(whenever they are making me feel disgusting and I'm hating them, I have visions of me, going traveling, with a backpack full of cartons of these supplements..just to keep me going.. no clothes or toiletries..nothing..just energy drinks.. but that's just my imagination). But I know that I'm not ready to give them up just yet. I need them. It will probably be time to cut down on them, when I feel that I can make up the missing 900 calories (that's how much I get from them, each day) by eating. At the moment.. there's no chance of that happening..
Sometimes they make me feel sick.. like yesterday. But that's okay, I can live with that if it's only once in a while.
As for my stomach being bloated.. It has become permanent, so I don't really pay too much attention to that anymore. My belly is always swollen, it's always full of food (that sounds disgusting doesn't it..)..I'm not creating a "beer-belly" but I'm creating a "supplement-belly".. It's just sticking out all the time.. I look like a cartoon character.. If I were to be in Paris now, for example, and a street artist were to draw a picture of me, in a funny cartoon-theme (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about..), I would have this head with MASSIVE hamster cheeks and massive belly with the rest just twigs..would probably be quite a funny picture..huummm..anybody up for a trip to Paris..haha, only joking). Getting slightly sidetracked.. So, not until the rest of me starts to expand and I start storing muscle, tissue and fats, will my stomach blend in with the rest of me.. I'm hoping anyway. It should get back into proportion, but until then, I'll keep on training my neck muscles trying to keep my head and cheeks in the "up-right" position.. The strain is unreal..haha..
I'm signing off for now.. My 1/2 a spud is waiting.. the smell...humm....
Friday morning update: So far, a "woozy" week..
It's Friday morning, and I can't believe how that happened. The week just flew by.
All a little fuzzy and totally unaware of it all.
I spent Tuesday working through Diann's session. Trying to sort things out in my head. It was a lot to take in, but all very positive. Tuesday evening I had a slight "downer" at dinner. Mam suggested I have some soup with carrots. The soup was from the stew she had made. So it was brown and thick. But I was feeling fine, so I thought, let's give it a shot. But no, unfortunately it "knocked me for 6". One mouthful and 2 pieces of carrot and I felt sick.. I really could have vomited. Especially when Mam said: the meat was cooked in it, so it has all the goodness.. I'm nearly gagging now, just thinking about that statement..sorry mam...
Yeah, so I tried that, but no. Too much too soon maybe. Then I was feeling so bad, that I really didn't want to eat anything. But I had to force myself, switch off the sickly feelings just to eat something.. I ended up having smoked salmon on a toasted sandwich. I wasn't eating according to my food-plan, but hey, I was pleased that I actually ate something. If Anna would have had her way, I wouldn't have eaten anything at all.
So that frustrated me and made me sad, not being "able" to put myself through that dinner. I used to love stew..
The whole evening I was trying to get over that and "gear myself up" for acupuncture the next morning. I had to, it was like a big outing. I had to focus, had to prepare myself. I didn't want to be stressed like I was last week. I wanted to be relaxed and benefit as much as possible from this weeks' treatment.
So on Wednesday morning, I rang the taxi, was dropped off at Mr. Acupuncturists practice. On the way down, in the taxi, I chatted to the driver. I was sociable and I actually made an effort to make some small-talk. For weeks and weeks I usually wouldn't have been interested in being polite, other than "hello" and "goodbye". But this was easy going and it was great to just interact with someone.
The treatment itself was pretty "intense". Well, he stuck 4 extra needles in my legs, so now I was having 16 instead of the usual 12 and some of the needles were also larger, which makes them do more work (as well as hurting slightly more). But it was relaxing, I was chilled and enjoyed it. Mr. Acupuncturist was happy with my progress and with my food-plan. We chatted and he really isn't a bad person at all. Again, more small-talk and chit chat..
Afterwards I was so tired. I just wanted to go to bed. I was chilling for the rest of the afternoon. The whole "outing" really drained me. But I focused in such a way that I got the most benefits from it.
And the benefits came.. yesterday.. Actually, I started to feel it on Wednesday night. I wasn't relaxed anymore, like I was during Wednesday afternoon. I wasn't able to sleep.. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to go to bed. I could feel an uneasiness. I had a bad nights' sleep and woke up a "not so nice" person. I can't really describe it. I was having those "out of body" experiences all day. There was so much going on in my head.. I spent most of the day in bed.. crying for no reason. Feeling absolutely awful.
I tried to make sense of it all and wanted to write, but that wasn't happening. I couldn't make any sense. I knew that the more I try the make sense of everything, the more distressed and upset I'll get (I've experienced this before, so I knew this was what I was NOT to do). So I just left my head alone, switched off the sickly feelings, kept on eating, didn't over-analyze and forced myself to just "be". The whole day, I was just doing my best to make it through. I watched some dvd's, some telly, read my book, went for some snoozes and was so grateful when it finally was time for me to go to sleep.. I went to bed at around midnight, and looked forward to sleeping (unlike the night before).
The reason I didn't want to go to bed on Wednesday night was probably because I knew the following day would be a difficult one. I didn't want one day to end for the next one to start.. if that make any sense..
But last night, I didn't mind it ending, because I knew it couldn't possibly be any worse than the day that just ended.
So I had a great night's sleep. Had lots of dreams about all the different modes of transport..there was me on a train, me on a bus, me on a plane, me on a boat.. Great dreams about me going places.
Yesterday, when I tried to write and couldn't.. I was angry with myself. The reason being that my only out-let is this blog. If I'm not able to write, then I'm not able to do anything. The only time in the day, that I feel worthy, calm and "productive" (I know, I'm not really allowed to use that word..oops..haha) is when I'm writing about something. It really doesn't even have to be related to anything in particular, it just makes me feel so good. It's the only thing that really makes my day worthwhile. Most days anyhow.
The acupuncture did it's work. But that's okay. I don't mind, it has to be done and it's all good. I learned a lesson--->Pushing myself to create turmoil in my head, only would have made matters worse, I therefore didn't and just felt the feelings that were obviously meant to be felt, and I listened to my body ALL DAY LONG. I felt more physical and emotional pain than I had done for the past week or 2, I reacted to that by caring for myself with food and bed-rest.. Anna was having her way by making me feel so bad, but Fay was supporting me to get me through the day..
All a little fuzzy and totally unaware of it all.
I spent Tuesday working through Diann's session. Trying to sort things out in my head. It was a lot to take in, but all very positive. Tuesday evening I had a slight "downer" at dinner. Mam suggested I have some soup with carrots. The soup was from the stew she had made. So it was brown and thick. But I was feeling fine, so I thought, let's give it a shot. But no, unfortunately it "knocked me for 6". One mouthful and 2 pieces of carrot and I felt sick.. I really could have vomited. Especially when Mam said: the meat was cooked in it, so it has all the goodness.. I'm nearly gagging now, just thinking about that statement..sorry mam...
Yeah, so I tried that, but no. Too much too soon maybe. Then I was feeling so bad, that I really didn't want to eat anything. But I had to force myself, switch off the sickly feelings just to eat something.. I ended up having smoked salmon on a toasted sandwich. I wasn't eating according to my food-plan, but hey, I was pleased that I actually ate something. If Anna would have had her way, I wouldn't have eaten anything at all.
So that frustrated me and made me sad, not being "able" to put myself through that dinner. I used to love stew..
The whole evening I was trying to get over that and "gear myself up" for acupuncture the next morning. I had to, it was like a big outing. I had to focus, had to prepare myself. I didn't want to be stressed like I was last week. I wanted to be relaxed and benefit as much as possible from this weeks' treatment.
So on Wednesday morning, I rang the taxi, was dropped off at Mr. Acupuncturists practice. On the way down, in the taxi, I chatted to the driver. I was sociable and I actually made an effort to make some small-talk. For weeks and weeks I usually wouldn't have been interested in being polite, other than "hello" and "goodbye". But this was easy going and it was great to just interact with someone.
The treatment itself was pretty "intense". Well, he stuck 4 extra needles in my legs, so now I was having 16 instead of the usual 12 and some of the needles were also larger, which makes them do more work (as well as hurting slightly more). But it was relaxing, I was chilled and enjoyed it. Mr. Acupuncturist was happy with my progress and with my food-plan. We chatted and he really isn't a bad person at all. Again, more small-talk and chit chat..
Afterwards I was so tired. I just wanted to go to bed. I was chilling for the rest of the afternoon. The whole "outing" really drained me. But I focused in such a way that I got the most benefits from it.
And the benefits came.. yesterday.. Actually, I started to feel it on Wednesday night. I wasn't relaxed anymore, like I was during Wednesday afternoon. I wasn't able to sleep.. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to go to bed. I could feel an uneasiness. I had a bad nights' sleep and woke up a "not so nice" person. I can't really describe it. I was having those "out of body" experiences all day. There was so much going on in my head.. I spent most of the day in bed.. crying for no reason. Feeling absolutely awful.
I tried to make sense of it all and wanted to write, but that wasn't happening. I couldn't make any sense. I knew that the more I try the make sense of everything, the more distressed and upset I'll get (I've experienced this before, so I knew this was what I was NOT to do). So I just left my head alone, switched off the sickly feelings, kept on eating, didn't over-analyze and forced myself to just "be". The whole day, I was just doing my best to make it through. I watched some dvd's, some telly, read my book, went for some snoozes and was so grateful when it finally was time for me to go to sleep.. I went to bed at around midnight, and looked forward to sleeping (unlike the night before).
The reason I didn't want to go to bed on Wednesday night was probably because I knew the following day would be a difficult one. I didn't want one day to end for the next one to start.. if that make any sense..
But last night, I didn't mind it ending, because I knew it couldn't possibly be any worse than the day that just ended.
So I had a great night's sleep. Had lots of dreams about all the different modes of transport..there was me on a train, me on a bus, me on a plane, me on a boat.. Great dreams about me going places.
Yesterday, when I tried to write and couldn't.. I was angry with myself. The reason being that my only out-let is this blog. If I'm not able to write, then I'm not able to do anything. The only time in the day, that I feel worthy, calm and "productive" (I know, I'm not really allowed to use that word..oops..haha) is when I'm writing about something. It really doesn't even have to be related to anything in particular, it just makes me feel so good. It's the only thing that really makes my day worthwhile. Most days anyhow.
The acupuncture did it's work. But that's okay. I don't mind, it has to be done and it's all good. I learned a lesson--->Pushing myself to create turmoil in my head, only would have made matters worse, I therefore didn't and just felt the feelings that were obviously meant to be felt, and I listened to my body ALL DAY LONG. I felt more physical and emotional pain than I had done for the past week or 2, I reacted to that by caring for myself with food and bed-rest.. Anna was having her way by making me feel so bad, but Fay was supporting me to get me through the day..
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I'm Confused.com
The mess which is the inside of my head
The ongoing war, that forces me back to bed
Stop pushing, Stop pressurizing
Stop forcing, Stop analyzing
Stop in the name of sanity..
Stop when it becomes too much
There's only so much a person can take
There can otherwise be too much at stake
Time will tell, Time will reveal all
Time is on my side, Time is all I've got
Don't try to prove it any longer
Don't try to push even when it's stronger
Eventually it will become clear
Eventually I will know what it is
I'm not to let the confusion create a mess
I'm not to let the frustration cause me stress
It's all comes with the territory
It's all part of the process
I'm here for a reason, and not because it's easy
I'm not to get freaked out, and just let myself feel queasy
"Feeling lost again when days ago I'd been found. My answers of days ago are again transformed into questions."
The ongoing war, that forces me back to bed
Stop pushing, Stop pressurizing
Stop forcing, Stop analyzing
Stop in the name of sanity..
Stop when it becomes too much
There's only so much a person can take
There can otherwise be too much at stake
Time will tell, Time will reveal all
Time is on my side, Time is all I've got
Don't try to prove it any longer
Don't try to push even when it's stronger
Eventually it will become clear
Eventually I will know what it is
I'm not to let the confusion create a mess
I'm not to let the frustration cause me stress
It's all comes with the territory
It's all part of the process
I'm here for a reason, and not because it's easy
I'm not to get freaked out, and just let myself feel queasy
"Feeling lost again when days ago I'd been found. My answers of days ago are again transformed into questions."
Thursday morning
I went to bed last night, feeling sick.
I didn't sleep the way I have been doing the past week, either.
I woke up, still feeling sick. What kind of sickly feeling? Not too sure.
Just absolutely dreadful. I got up because I wasn't happy in my bed. Somehow I thought I would be happy if I wasn't..
Eileen said to me: "Niamh, it's only 08.30..why are you getting up?".. I said: "Because I'm bored.."
What an answer to give.. I'm bored.. right.. off to an extremely bad start..
With tears streaming down my face I went to the loo.. Had to stop crying..
There's no reason for it.. Pull yourself together Niamh. So I did.. Forced my breakfast down..Didn't want, was still feeling sick and full and hating food. But I had to. So I switched it off. Went for a shower in floods of tears. They wouldn't stop, so I just let them flow. I just let them be...
I went back to bed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to be alone. I felt so awful, I can't even describe what kind of awful it was. And the tears wouldn't stop. So confused. So many things wrecking my head. So my energy, but not be able to anything with it, other than drive my brain insane. That's all it was doing. I was worrying, I was restless, I was sad and angry. I was everything, and I had nowhere for it to go. I convinced myself that it was all my own doing. Everything, me having a bad day, is just in my head and there's no reason for it. What was going on with the world? With me? I don't care. Just leave me be, whatever it is that is making me so sad and angry. Let me rest. I need to be calm and then I'm frustrated because I can't make myself relax. So much about nothing.
Lying in my bed. Shutting out the world. It's much comfier than it was last night. Listening to the cars in the distance on the motorway. Other than that, absolutely nothing. The world could stop turning, I wouldn't notice, I wouldn't care. It's just me, feeling the pain in my head, from crying, and the pains in my legs. My big overgrown belly is starting to cause discomfort..it hangs to one side, it might even start to put extra strain on my back.
Too much energy from acupuncture yesterday, that I feel guilty not doing anything with it. I feel like I should be doing things. But why? I shouldn't really. I don't want to do anything, other than watch sh*t on telly or just lie in my bed. There's just so much going on inside and I feel so bad because of it. I want to make sense, but I can't. My head feels fuzzy and there's so much I want to know, but I don't know where the answers will come from.
Bed is probably the bed place for me today.. I'm not getting anywhere, just driving my crazy going round in circles... what a waste of time and a post..
I didn't sleep the way I have been doing the past week, either.
I woke up, still feeling sick. What kind of sickly feeling? Not too sure.
Just absolutely dreadful. I got up because I wasn't happy in my bed. Somehow I thought I would be happy if I wasn't..
Eileen said to me: "Niamh, it's only 08.30..why are you getting up?".. I said: "Because I'm bored.."
What an answer to give.. I'm bored.. right.. off to an extremely bad start..
With tears streaming down my face I went to the loo.. Had to stop crying..
There's no reason for it.. Pull yourself together Niamh. So I did.. Forced my breakfast down..Didn't want, was still feeling sick and full and hating food. But I had to. So I switched it off. Went for a shower in floods of tears. They wouldn't stop, so I just let them flow. I just let them be...
I went back to bed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to be alone. I felt so awful, I can't even describe what kind of awful it was. And the tears wouldn't stop. So confused. So many things wrecking my head. So my energy, but not be able to anything with it, other than drive my brain insane. That's all it was doing. I was worrying, I was restless, I was sad and angry. I was everything, and I had nowhere for it to go. I convinced myself that it was all my own doing. Everything, me having a bad day, is just in my head and there's no reason for it. What was going on with the world? With me? I don't care. Just leave me be, whatever it is that is making me so sad and angry. Let me rest. I need to be calm and then I'm frustrated because I can't make myself relax. So much about nothing.
Lying in my bed. Shutting out the world. It's much comfier than it was last night. Listening to the cars in the distance on the motorway. Other than that, absolutely nothing. The world could stop turning, I wouldn't notice, I wouldn't care. It's just me, feeling the pain in my head, from crying, and the pains in my legs. My big overgrown belly is starting to cause discomfort..it hangs to one side, it might even start to put extra strain on my back.
Too much energy from acupuncture yesterday, that I feel guilty not doing anything with it. I feel like I should be doing things. But why? I shouldn't really. I don't want to do anything, other than watch sh*t on telly or just lie in my bed. There's just so much going on inside and I feel so bad because of it. I want to make sense, but I can't. My head feels fuzzy and there's so much I want to know, but I don't know where the answers will come from.
Bed is probably the bed place for me today.. I'm not getting anywhere, just driving my crazy going round in circles... what a waste of time and a post..
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Sitting on the cold stone wall
Last Sunday Mam and me went for a drive out to Avoca. It's a place out in the "country" (only 20 minutes in the car), kind of scenic and calm..
We went down to sit by the river. As we were walking down, I spotted 2 men. They were getting ready to go kayaking. They had their kayaks and their gear. It was a lovely day, so they were going to have a pretty cool go along the river.
We went down, and I sat on the wall. I don't know for how long. Just sitting and gazing at the water gushing by and still thinking of these 2 guys who were going kayaking. It was so strange. I couldn't get them out of my head. As I sat, I wanted sooo much to be able to that as well.. I'm not even a great "water-person" but still.. I wanted it so badly. I was out in the fresh air and all I could think about was the "great outdoors". I wished to be able to do extreme sports.. like rafting, kayaking, rock climbing, absailing, bungee jumping.. so many different sports, all out in the open, in the fresh air, all made possible by nature.. How great is that? Not only being physically active but at the same time enjoying the fresh air and getting energy and adrenaline by doing so.. Getting the heart racing with excitement and feeling fulfilled and full of life. How great is that..?
That's all is wished for, while I was sitting there on the stone (hard and cold) wall..daydreaming..
When I was with Diann on Monday evening, I was telling her about it. I didn't even realize that these 2 guys had triggered so much.. (and I didn't really even want to go out to Avoca, if I hadn't have gone, I would have missed that image of the guys kayaking and I would have missed the "lesson" it gave me..everything happens for a reason..). I just hope so badly that I won't take these things for granted, once I'm able to do all the things I want, when I'm strong enough. Because it doesn't go without saying that a person is able to do whatever they want. The fact a person CAN do what it is they want, is something to be treasured..It's so special. I hope that I will never forget what it feels like to have lost something so precious and always appreciate what I'm able to do. It's only when you've come close to losing something, you really appreciate it. I will never ever take anything for granted.
I sat there with Diann on Monday, and I cried when I was telling her all this. I don't know why. They weren't tears of sadness, or of anger or frustration.. Not of happiness either.. or maybe in a way they were. Maybe because I know I will get better and hopefully soon I will go rock climbing and absailing and do some extreme sports I now only dream of doing. Maybe because I know I will be living again and I will have gotten what I wished for.. When that precious day comes, I'll think back to the day that I sat on the cold stone wall in Avoca, the day I wanted it all so badly. That's probably why it had such an effect on me.. The realization of what I have to do and the hard work I'm putting in. It will all be worth and I will be happier because of it.. The realization that I am getting better, slowly but surely, and I will have it all.. By "all" I mean my health, my life and on support system of family and friends on who I can always depend..
We went down to sit by the river. As we were walking down, I spotted 2 men. They were getting ready to go kayaking. They had their kayaks and their gear. It was a lovely day, so they were going to have a pretty cool go along the river.
We went down, and I sat on the wall. I don't know for how long. Just sitting and gazing at the water gushing by and still thinking of these 2 guys who were going kayaking. It was so strange. I couldn't get them out of my head. As I sat, I wanted sooo much to be able to that as well.. I'm not even a great "water-person" but still.. I wanted it so badly. I was out in the fresh air and all I could think about was the "great outdoors". I wished to be able to do extreme sports.. like rafting, kayaking, rock climbing, absailing, bungee jumping.. so many different sports, all out in the open, in the fresh air, all made possible by nature.. How great is that? Not only being physically active but at the same time enjoying the fresh air and getting energy and adrenaline by doing so.. Getting the heart racing with excitement and feeling fulfilled and full of life. How great is that..?
That's all is wished for, while I was sitting there on the stone (hard and cold) wall..daydreaming..
When I was with Diann on Monday evening, I was telling her about it. I didn't even realize that these 2 guys had triggered so much.. (and I didn't really even want to go out to Avoca, if I hadn't have gone, I would have missed that image of the guys kayaking and I would have missed the "lesson" it gave me..everything happens for a reason..). I just hope so badly that I won't take these things for granted, once I'm able to do all the things I want, when I'm strong enough. Because it doesn't go without saying that a person is able to do whatever they want. The fact a person CAN do what it is they want, is something to be treasured..It's so special. I hope that I will never forget what it feels like to have lost something so precious and always appreciate what I'm able to do. It's only when you've come close to losing something, you really appreciate it. I will never ever take anything for granted.
I sat there with Diann on Monday, and I cried when I was telling her all this. I don't know why. They weren't tears of sadness, or of anger or frustration.. Not of happiness either.. or maybe in a way they were. Maybe because I know I will get better and hopefully soon I will go rock climbing and absailing and do some extreme sports I now only dream of doing. Maybe because I know I will be living again and I will have gotten what I wished for.. When that precious day comes, I'll think back to the day that I sat on the cold stone wall in Avoca, the day I wanted it all so badly. That's probably why it had such an effect on me.. The realization of what I have to do and the hard work I'm putting in. It will all be worth and I will be happier because of it.. The realization that I am getting better, slowly but surely, and I will have it all.. By "all" I mean my health, my life and on support system of family and friends on who I can always depend..
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
New Feelings
The past week or so, I have been experiencing all these different feelings that I had somehow, become unfamiliar to me, somewhere along the line.
I discussed it with Diann.. and it's a good sign.
A small example, last week, I went to sit down to watch something on the tv, and I had been looking forward to it all day.. It was an hour long (I can't really remember what it was, it was probably one of Gordon Ramsays shows) and just at the thought of watching this program for a whole hour, I got this rush of excitement. It was so strange. This buzz just went straight through me. I was slightly shocked.. Thought.. Oh god.. What was that? Where did that come from? It sounds so silly, I know. It wasn't the first time either, that for no particular reason at all, a buzz has gone through me.. Things that, under normal circumstances, would just make you think "yeah, that's cool".. I now experience as some major event that brings up all these intense buzzes and rushes..
According to Diann, this is my body reacting and readjusting to being fed again. When the body is being starved, it produces endorphins. This is like a "protection-method" the body sets up, to be able to live and survive and it makes a person feel high. The feeling of not being on this planet. The feeling of being woozy all the time, lightheaded and not fully experiencing normal things. The body can only produce this for a certain amount of time before it starts to shut down. This endorphin makes your feel numb, both physically and mentally. Now that I am starting to nourish my body, and eat ENORMOUS amounts of food, my body is starting to come out of starvation mode and starting to feel feelings again. That's what I've been experiencing the past week or 2. Little things that would normally just make me happy, now make me ecstatic.. the feelings are so much more intense, because they have become so unfamiliar and have forgotten what it's like..
Another small example.. Last week, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with love for everyone I know.. it was so strong, and so out of the blue, and I didn't really know where it came from or what triggered it. I just wanted to tell everyone how much they all mean to me.. Again, this is just one of those intense feelings, that had become unfamiliar to me, without me even realizing it..
It's not only the good feelings that will be so much more intensely experienced, but also the "not so great" ones.. the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the compassion.. all of them. I'll start experiencing these feelings again..slowly they will return..
Which is great. I never even realized that I had become numb.. Okay, I did always feel high and lightheaded, but I loved that feeling and it had become normal. I just never associated it with being numb, and that ALL my feelings were switched off. They are slowly all being turned on again.. little flickers of light.. Just making me feel like I'm alive again. Feelings that are a part of daily life, feelings that will encourage me to keep on going, feelings that I will want to feel, both the good and bad, feelings that everyone takes for granted.. I want to feel them ALL again, because each and everyone one is a glorious one..
This also explains why I still can't go for a walk without my legs hurting. It explains the headache I feel whenever I'm wrecking my brain and the stomach aches whenever I'm full. Now that my body doesn't need to eat off my muscle tissue anymore, but off the food that I'm eating, it's a whole different approach.. My body is trying to adapt and that's why I'm still struggling physically. It wasn't until yesterday, that I started to understand what this was all about. It was starting to frustrate me..resting so much, and still not being able to walk without feeling exhausted. But now I know why, and it's all part of the process.
So, I'm not going to complain about any physical or mental pain.. Because it's good.. I'm feeling again, and it's all part of living and "being"..
I discussed it with Diann.. and it's a good sign.
A small example, last week, I went to sit down to watch something on the tv, and I had been looking forward to it all day.. It was an hour long (I can't really remember what it was, it was probably one of Gordon Ramsays shows) and just at the thought of watching this program for a whole hour, I got this rush of excitement. It was so strange. This buzz just went straight through me. I was slightly shocked.. Thought.. Oh god.. What was that? Where did that come from? It sounds so silly, I know. It wasn't the first time either, that for no particular reason at all, a buzz has gone through me.. Things that, under normal circumstances, would just make you think "yeah, that's cool".. I now experience as some major event that brings up all these intense buzzes and rushes..
According to Diann, this is my body reacting and readjusting to being fed again. When the body is being starved, it produces endorphins. This is like a "protection-method" the body sets up, to be able to live and survive and it makes a person feel high. The feeling of not being on this planet. The feeling of being woozy all the time, lightheaded and not fully experiencing normal things. The body can only produce this for a certain amount of time before it starts to shut down. This endorphin makes your feel numb, both physically and mentally. Now that I am starting to nourish my body, and eat ENORMOUS amounts of food, my body is starting to come out of starvation mode and starting to feel feelings again. That's what I've been experiencing the past week or 2. Little things that would normally just make me happy, now make me ecstatic.. the feelings are so much more intense, because they have become so unfamiliar and have forgotten what it's like..
Another small example.. Last week, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with love for everyone I know.. it was so strong, and so out of the blue, and I didn't really know where it came from or what triggered it. I just wanted to tell everyone how much they all mean to me.. Again, this is just one of those intense feelings, that had become unfamiliar to me, without me even realizing it..
It's not only the good feelings that will be so much more intensely experienced, but also the "not so great" ones.. the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the compassion.. all of them. I'll start experiencing these feelings again..slowly they will return..
Which is great. I never even realized that I had become numb.. Okay, I did always feel high and lightheaded, but I loved that feeling and it had become normal. I just never associated it with being numb, and that ALL my feelings were switched off. They are slowly all being turned on again.. little flickers of light.. Just making me feel like I'm alive again. Feelings that are a part of daily life, feelings that will encourage me to keep on going, feelings that I will want to feel, both the good and bad, feelings that everyone takes for granted.. I want to feel them ALL again, because each and everyone one is a glorious one..
This also explains why I still can't go for a walk without my legs hurting. It explains the headache I feel whenever I'm wrecking my brain and the stomach aches whenever I'm full. Now that my body doesn't need to eat off my muscle tissue anymore, but off the food that I'm eating, it's a whole different approach.. My body is trying to adapt and that's why I'm still struggling physically. It wasn't until yesterday, that I started to understand what this was all about. It was starting to frustrate me..resting so much, and still not being able to walk without feeling exhausted. But now I know why, and it's all part of the process.
So, I'm not going to complain about any physical or mental pain.. Because it's good.. I'm feeling again, and it's all part of living and "being"..
Measuring Happiness
Looking at people walking down the street, they look happy, confident and enjoying life. Their weight..? Who cares? It's not an issue.
I have to realize that a persons happiness is not measured by the number on the weighing scales. Whenever I look at other people, I don't think any less of them if they're overweight, if they're chubby or if they're skinny. So why do I feel like, once I have put on ? amount of kilos, that I'm not going to be me anymore. I look at photos from a few years ago, when I was my normal weight, around 50 kilos. And I ask myself : "Was I happy back then".. the answer; Yes.. So why do I think I won't be happy once I'm back to my normal weight. Will people not like me anymore? Will I suddenly be a different person? Will I not like myself anymore? I cannot possibly dislike myself more down the line than I have done the past months.. Can I? Am I shallow for thinking that I'm not going to be a nice person with 15 extra kilos? Isn't it bizarre, that I can't just look at myself, and want to weigh more, knowing that I can be happy in my skin? Why don't I feel worthy? Everyone I know, could put on 50 kilos and I would still love them just as much. Why can't I feel that towards myself as well? I have to break away from that thought. Some of the happiest days of my life, I was at my heaviest (57 kilos, when I was working in the ski resort in Austria). I didn't care what I looked like, I didn't care how blown-up I looked. I have the best memories from that period in my life. So now, 20 kilos lighter, I'm miserable and hate myself. Go figure... It's soooo irrelevant.
I have to learn to be happy in my own skin, no matter how much fat is under there.. I know I'll never be chubby.. I will always want to live healthy and eat healthy. This doesn't mean that I'm a fat pig.. I have to realize that I am worthy, no matter what the scales says, I am allowed to enjoy food, just like everybody else..I don't really know how to do this, there isn't a medicine for it, there's no magic wand that Diann, or anybody else can wave.. I think it has to come from me.. I actually KNOW it has to come from me..from within..
I have to realize that a persons happiness is not measured by the number on the weighing scales. Whenever I look at other people, I don't think any less of them if they're overweight, if they're chubby or if they're skinny. So why do I feel like, once I have put on ? amount of kilos, that I'm not going to be me anymore. I look at photos from a few years ago, when I was my normal weight, around 50 kilos. And I ask myself : "Was I happy back then".. the answer; Yes.. So why do I think I won't be happy once I'm back to my normal weight. Will people not like me anymore? Will I suddenly be a different person? Will I not like myself anymore? I cannot possibly dislike myself more down the line than I have done the past months.. Can I? Am I shallow for thinking that I'm not going to be a nice person with 15 extra kilos? Isn't it bizarre, that I can't just look at myself, and want to weigh more, knowing that I can be happy in my skin? Why don't I feel worthy? Everyone I know, could put on 50 kilos and I would still love them just as much. Why can't I feel that towards myself as well? I have to break away from that thought. Some of the happiest days of my life, I was at my heaviest (57 kilos, when I was working in the ski resort in Austria). I didn't care what I looked like, I didn't care how blown-up I looked. I have the best memories from that period in my life. So now, 20 kilos lighter, I'm miserable and hate myself. Go figure... It's soooo irrelevant.
I have to learn to be happy in my own skin, no matter how much fat is under there.. I know I'll never be chubby.. I will always want to live healthy and eat healthy. This doesn't mean that I'm a fat pig.. I have to realize that I am worthy, no matter what the scales says, I am allowed to enjoy food, just like everybody else..I don't really know how to do this, there isn't a medicine for it, there's no magic wand that Diann, or anybody else can wave.. I think it has to come from me.. I actually KNOW it has to come from me..from within..
Girls in recovery
After several attempts at trying to read about other people recovery from Anorexia, I was finally able to face it. I was doing some "research" online.. I wanted to know how other girls face the struggles..
Most of the stories I read about, were of younger teenage girls. Some were shocking, others were familiar. The shocking ones were of the girls who have made Anorexia their identity. It was actually scary in a way. These girls don't have become so attached to the illness that they cannot be without it. They wouldn't even see Anorexia as an illness, but more of a lifestyle. I was once like that. I had seen a documentary on tv, about extreme lifestyles and they actually said that being anorexic is a lifestyle, and no longer an illness. I led myself to believe this for months, thinking I could go for the rest of my life, living and eating as an anorexic and never having to recover.. But I now know different. It is an illness. Once it becomes your identity, you cannot break away. Because when it gets taken away, there's nothing left. I also felt like this, when I first started seeing Diann.. If Anna is gone, how can I live? What will I have? There'll be nothing left! I now, also know different.
One girl who was recovering, and putting on weight, was regretting that she never went into hospital. So now, she's in a state that she wants to go back down the Anna road again, to get into hospital, just to prove that she can push herself that far. I wondered if these girls will forever feel the need to go back down that road again. If they do, then they are never fully recovered. It's always there.. For many girls it seems, that to be "stamped" with the name Anorexic, it's a "badge of honor".. That it's a good thing. But it's not. It's nothing to be proud of. It shouldn't be seen as an achievement. It's an illness. it's something that happens to you, not by choice. That's also something Diann said yesterday. I didn't choose this path on purpose. Anorexia "chips" away at you, without knowing, without realizing.. Searching into the past for an answer as to why it has happened, isn't really relevant. It's recovering and what you learn along the way that's what relevant.
Every story is different. Not one person is the same, so the road to recovery won't be the same either. There are women who have only just recovered, by the skin of their teeth. For these girls, the root of the disease hasn't been dealt with. Their way of life hasn't been tackled. They have simply been re-fed, and are now borderline underweight and still continue to have obsessive behavior and habits that are associated with being anorexic. They either haven't had the right person in their life to help and support them to get to the core of the problem, or haven't been willing to push to battle to the end and beat Anna. This is sad, because the break through will never happen. And the longer it goes on for, the more and more it becomes who they are. It's only with the girls who have gotten to the core of the problem, who have adjusted their lifestyle and learned as much as possible, who have truly beaten it. They are stronger for it and they know exactly what's important, they have so much awareness of their body and soul and will never go back down the road Anna once forced them to go down. They will recognize a down fall, know what to do, act on it and keep on living.
I'm going to be one of those. That's going to be me. I'm blessed with having my family to support me and also I'm blessed with Diann..
Most of the stories I read about, were of younger teenage girls. Some were shocking, others were familiar. The shocking ones were of the girls who have made Anorexia their identity. It was actually scary in a way. These girls don't have become so attached to the illness that they cannot be without it. They wouldn't even see Anorexia as an illness, but more of a lifestyle. I was once like that. I had seen a documentary on tv, about extreme lifestyles and they actually said that being anorexic is a lifestyle, and no longer an illness. I led myself to believe this for months, thinking I could go for the rest of my life, living and eating as an anorexic and never having to recover.. But I now know different. It is an illness. Once it becomes your identity, you cannot break away. Because when it gets taken away, there's nothing left. I also felt like this, when I first started seeing Diann.. If Anna is gone, how can I live? What will I have? There'll be nothing left! I now, also know different.
One girl who was recovering, and putting on weight, was regretting that she never went into hospital. So now, she's in a state that she wants to go back down the Anna road again, to get into hospital, just to prove that she can push herself that far. I wondered if these girls will forever feel the need to go back down that road again. If they do, then they are never fully recovered. It's always there.. For many girls it seems, that to be "stamped" with the name Anorexic, it's a "badge of honor".. That it's a good thing. But it's not. It's nothing to be proud of. It shouldn't be seen as an achievement. It's an illness. it's something that happens to you, not by choice. That's also something Diann said yesterday. I didn't choose this path on purpose. Anorexia "chips" away at you, without knowing, without realizing.. Searching into the past for an answer as to why it has happened, isn't really relevant. It's recovering and what you learn along the way that's what relevant.
Every story is different. Not one person is the same, so the road to recovery won't be the same either. There are women who have only just recovered, by the skin of their teeth. For these girls, the root of the disease hasn't been dealt with. Their way of life hasn't been tackled. They have simply been re-fed, and are now borderline underweight and still continue to have obsessive behavior and habits that are associated with being anorexic. They either haven't had the right person in their life to help and support them to get to the core of the problem, or haven't been willing to push to battle to the end and beat Anna. This is sad, because the break through will never happen. And the longer it goes on for, the more and more it becomes who they are. It's only with the girls who have gotten to the core of the problem, who have adjusted their lifestyle and learned as much as possible, who have truly beaten it. They are stronger for it and they know exactly what's important, they have so much awareness of their body and soul and will never go back down the road Anna once forced them to go down. They will recognize a down fall, know what to do, act on it and keep on living.
I'm going to be one of those. That's going to be me. I'm blessed with having my family to support me and also I'm blessed with Diann..
Looking back on my week..session 9
The Monday evening ritual, the hour drive down to Wexford..
I took a total different approach to this session. I would usually worry about these sessions, I would make lists about things that I need to get off my chest, and I would put so much pressure on myself to get as much from the hour of therapy as possible. But this week, I forced myself NOT to do this.. Just be myself, and see whatever comes up, see what I get out of it, just go with the flow. Usually, days before going, I would be already going over and over in my head what I want to say, what I want to discuss, what I'm going to ask.. But yesterday, it was only in the car on the way there, that I started to think about what I was going to say, ask and discuss. And it worked out real well. No pressure, no stress, just "being".
Reflecting back on the week, was a pleasure. Because it was a good week.
Well, I started off, after last weeks session, by taking off my watch. And this had more of an impact on me than I imagined it would have done. Since last week Monday evening, I haven't been wearing one, and it's like everything is sooo different. First of all.. I've been having great sleeps.. it's unreal. I don't even have an alarmclock in the bedroom or anything a clock. I don't even bring my mobile upstairs either.. So I go to bed, I read for as long as I want, sleep and when I wake up I acutally ask myself.. "Am I rested? How are my legs feeling? Do I need more sleep?" and only when I feel like I've slept enough, I get up.. It could be 8 o clock in the morning, it could be 10.. But usually it's around 9. When I used to wear my watch, I would force myself to read for at least 30 minutes before going to sleep, even if I was having the big "battle" against the "closing-eyelids-without-having-any-control-over-it-and-the-dancing-letters-across-the-page".. And when I would wake up in the morning, I would get out of bed as early as possible, worrying that the day would be too short to fit in all the eating I have to do.. But not anymore, that's a thing of the past.
Second.. During the day it's had so many benefits. I don't feel the urge to fill every minute or to stress whenever I haven't done anything productive for 30 minutes. I've just been doing whatever I want, whenever I want. No stressing.
The only 2 things I've had to be forcing myself to do, is to 1)stop pressurizing myself. 2)ignore feelings of guilt.
-Stop pressurizing/analyzing/worrying:
I've had to work so hard at just "being". I was pushing away that feeling of trying to keep busy. I was resting when I need to. I didn't want to be productive. I wasn't worried about my mood either. I wasn't going to put pressure on myself to be in certain mood or state of mind. Everyday I was in the mood that I was in and for 3 or 4 adjoining days, I was in a good mood. I wasn't forcing this good mood, I wasn't trying to be someone I'm not, I wasn't acting.. It happened without me having any control over it. And it was great. I was just so normal. I didn't feel down, I ignored Anna, Kept on eating (even though I was feeling like a fat pig all week), sat around and did whatever I felt like doing.
-Ignore feelings of guilt (caused by Anna):
This is closely linked to the feelings of pressure and worry. Anna wants me to punish myself, so she wants me to worry, and put pressure on myself. If I don't then feelings of guilt can come up which, in turn, will drag me down. But ignoring feelings of guilt, is ignoring Anna, which is good. I was able to ignore her. Diann said last week, that the guilty feelings of being in a good mood and feeling happy and eating, can be seen as positive, because it's a sign I'm fighting which is good. For days, I was doing so well, at ignoring the feelings of guilt. I was telling myself "I'm allowed to be happy, I'm allowed to eat, I'm allowed to come out of the shell I've been living in." Even if did only last for 3 or 4 days. It took a lot of effort to push away the feelings of guilt, it was so tiring doing this, as well as forcing myself to slow down.
Diann reckons, that whenever the feelings of guilt still come up, that I'll stand up to her.. I'll just tell her to "back off.. today I'm fine, and you might be on my back tomorrow again, so I'm enjoying how I'm feeling while it lasts.." Because that is the truth of it all, I don't know how long a good mood will last. So when it does occur, I'm entitled to enjoy it.
A new aspect of normal daily life came to light as well during my days of normality, and that's: Conversations..
It had been weeks since I'd had regular ongoing conversations for any length of time. I would never either have the energy, the mood or the interest.. But last week, I found myself talking and laughing, without me even wanting to.. it just happened.. And that was pretty tiring because it hadn't occurred for so many weeks. Sometimes I did get carried away with myself, getting caught up in the moment of being sociable and enjoying it, that my heart to run wild, I'd get dizzy and be breathless. These are all little things that are a part of daily life, and having a few days of being and living like a "normal" person, was exhausting.
But that was fine. It made me see that I'm still am me. I just know it will take time for the energy to come back and that I still do have a long way to go.
Mam was saying that my days of normality, were such a revelation. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The house was (apparently) a much happier place to be, because I was feeling normal. I supposedly even had an argument with Sean (I can't really remember to be honest). It was while we were watching telly on Thursday night.. over something small.. and Mam said it was like music to her ears to hear us be like that with each other again..
I knew however that my normality wouldn't last, and of course it didn't. By Saturday night, I felt that it was all going to come crashing down.. It was all too much. It felt like everyone was getting carried away with the fact that I was feeling fine.. And then I started to feel the pressure, and the guilt. I was so tired of pushing away so many feelings that usually would rule my head, that I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep up the fight. And Sunday morning I woke up and I was back down again. But I knew it, so it was fine. I didn't really care. I was just having one of them days that I wanted to close myself off from the world, lock myself away, get better all by myself, and then re-appear in months to come, and be better..As by magic...
Just one of them days.. And to top it all off.. The sun was shining.. That made me feel even worse.. because it's so much more confronting that I wasn't wanting or able to do anything..
So Mam offered to take me for a drive. I initially said no. Don't want to (like a little kid..).. But then I knew I should. Advice from Diann, "resourcing my body and soul".. So then I said.. maybe we could go down to the shopping center. That way I was getting out of the house.. 1 for Fay.. but at the same time, it's physically pressurizing myself.. 1 for Anna.. So I was doing both, which was good. But I still knew I wasn't doing the right thing.. So I eventually made myself say to mam "We can drive out to avoca and sit down by the river". (For those of you who aren't from here, that's out in the country, "being at one with nature"). It took so much effort for me to say this, but I knew I was doing myself good by suggesting it. And it was sooo nice. Mam went around taking her photographs (she goes to camera club..a hobby thing of hers), and I just sat there by myself, looking at the river gushing by. It cleared my head and I felt slightly better. It didn't make me feel normal again, but I felt "peaceful". Which was nice.
So, all in all, a pretty good week. And having one of these, just proves that there is light at end of the tunnel.. Even though, it doesn't always feel like that. I still have to tell myself over and over and again, that I'm not better..Or else I'll be on the next flight out of here.. So that is pretty frustrating.. and confusing.. The fact that I can feel so normal, but I'm still not cured. This can be so hard. I know what I have to do.. I just have to keep on pushing myself to slow down, forcing myself NOT to run away with myself.
I have to stop the urge of constantly trying to prove something to myself.. What it is that I was trying to prove, I really don't know.. If there's anything that I need to prove to myself, it's that I'm able to overcome all the hurdles that still await me.. And by doing that I'' be recovering, and that's the only thing that I should feel the need to prove to myself. And proving that I'm capable of recovering, is by slowing down. The only way I'll totally get over this, is by listening to my body and reacting to that to nurse it back to good health. This will only happen by my pushing myself BACK and not FORWARD.. As I've come to realize during the week.. "The biggest step forward that I'll make, is taking a step back"
During the week, I constantly was having the feeling that all this eating, would only have to last for a certain amount of time. It's like it's only going to be for ? amount of months, and then I will go back to normal living again. The way I was before. I discussed this with Diann.. But this is obviously not the case. This period in my life, isn't like I've "signed up for contract of ? amount of months and then it will be over and I'll return to being me".. No, I'm rebuilding my ways. I'm working on myself. I'm creating new beliefs, new habits and new awareness of myself. I'll still have the same interests, still be Niamh, but with more depth. It's like when some people have never had to work for anything in their life, never truly appreciate what they have. Not until a person has had to work for certain things, they realize just how much valuable they are, such as health and relationships. Everything has so much more value, once you've nearly lost it or had to fight for it. Yes, It is hard work, nobody said it would be easy, but once you start feeling the benefits of all the hard work, then it's paying off. This goes for me as well. And it's not the amount of time I should worry about. I shouldn't be analyzing how long this is going to take.. as Diann put it so wisely: "The todays make the tomorrows". "You're eating today to experience the tomorrows, so the present is really far more important"... What a way of putting it.. beautiful words..
You have never truly experienced a "high" in life, until you have experienced a "low". And that's when you can learn to appreciate the lows.. That way a battle will never go unrewarded.
When the panic arises about how long the recovery will take.. I should just think.. "What would Anna want..?" She would want it to be as long as possible, as painful as possible and as negative as possible. Fay would just take one day at a time. She would keep on driving me, wanting for me to get through it, no matter how long it would take. She wouldn't judge me if it longer than expected, she wouldn't be mad. She would just want me to keep on fighting Anna. The same goes for whenever I worry about how scary the road ahead is going to get once I start putting on lots of weight. Only Anna would make the road ahead seem scary. Fay would take it in her stride, knowing that she can overcome the next obstacle, just like all the others that have already been overcome. Each obstacle will then make the next one seem less scary. The confidence will be there, and will grow with each step. And that's how I'm going to try to keep on approaching it.
My added extra this week, is... oh no.. the dreaded SPUD! (I am in Ireland after all, so it really shouldn't seem so shocking..) I wasn't too happy about this to be honest. I was never a potato fan anyway.. this makes it slightly harder. I have to have a half a potato a day, anytime I like. As well as the other long list of foods I'm eating..
Anyhow, my approach to this session worked well. No stress, no worrying, just being me. And because of this, it probably also was the first session that I didn't just sit there ranting and raving, talking in jumbles, not knowing what I was trying to say or what point I was getting at.. Poor Diann, if I never knew what I was trying to figure out, how on earth was she able to know? That's another issue I suppose.
All in all, it was a nice session yesterday. Really it was. I know what I've to do, and keep on doing.. Taking it easy, taking it slowly, eating what I have to, no stressing, no pressurizing, no guilt and just concentrate on "being". I have to keep working on it..
I took a total different approach to this session. I would usually worry about these sessions, I would make lists about things that I need to get off my chest, and I would put so much pressure on myself to get as much from the hour of therapy as possible. But this week, I forced myself NOT to do this.. Just be myself, and see whatever comes up, see what I get out of it, just go with the flow. Usually, days before going, I would be already going over and over in my head what I want to say, what I want to discuss, what I'm going to ask.. But yesterday, it was only in the car on the way there, that I started to think about what I was going to say, ask and discuss. And it worked out real well. No pressure, no stress, just "being".
Reflecting back on the week, was a pleasure. Because it was a good week.
Well, I started off, after last weeks session, by taking off my watch. And this had more of an impact on me than I imagined it would have done. Since last week Monday evening, I haven't been wearing one, and it's like everything is sooo different. First of all.. I've been having great sleeps.. it's unreal. I don't even have an alarmclock in the bedroom or anything a clock. I don't even bring my mobile upstairs either.. So I go to bed, I read for as long as I want, sleep and when I wake up I acutally ask myself.. "Am I rested? How are my legs feeling? Do I need more sleep?" and only when I feel like I've slept enough, I get up.. It could be 8 o clock in the morning, it could be 10.. But usually it's around 9. When I used to wear my watch, I would force myself to read for at least 30 minutes before going to sleep, even if I was having the big "battle" against the "closing-eyelids-without-having-any-control-over-it-and-the-dancing-letters-across-the-page".. And when I would wake up in the morning, I would get out of bed as early as possible, worrying that the day would be too short to fit in all the eating I have to do.. But not anymore, that's a thing of the past.
Second.. During the day it's had so many benefits. I don't feel the urge to fill every minute or to stress whenever I haven't done anything productive for 30 minutes. I've just been doing whatever I want, whenever I want. No stressing.
The only 2 things I've had to be forcing myself to do, is to 1)stop pressurizing myself. 2)ignore feelings of guilt.
-Stop pressurizing/analyzing/worrying:
I've had to work so hard at just "being". I was pushing away that feeling of trying to keep busy. I was resting when I need to. I didn't want to be productive. I wasn't worried about my mood either. I wasn't going to put pressure on myself to be in certain mood or state of mind. Everyday I was in the mood that I was in and for 3 or 4 adjoining days, I was in a good mood. I wasn't forcing this good mood, I wasn't trying to be someone I'm not, I wasn't acting.. It happened without me having any control over it. And it was great. I was just so normal. I didn't feel down, I ignored Anna, Kept on eating (even though I was feeling like a fat pig all week), sat around and did whatever I felt like doing.
-Ignore feelings of guilt (caused by Anna):
This is closely linked to the feelings of pressure and worry. Anna wants me to punish myself, so she wants me to worry, and put pressure on myself. If I don't then feelings of guilt can come up which, in turn, will drag me down. But ignoring feelings of guilt, is ignoring Anna, which is good. I was able to ignore her. Diann said last week, that the guilty feelings of being in a good mood and feeling happy and eating, can be seen as positive, because it's a sign I'm fighting which is good. For days, I was doing so well, at ignoring the feelings of guilt. I was telling myself "I'm allowed to be happy, I'm allowed to eat, I'm allowed to come out of the shell I've been living in." Even if did only last for 3 or 4 days. It took a lot of effort to push away the feelings of guilt, it was so tiring doing this, as well as forcing myself to slow down.
Diann reckons, that whenever the feelings of guilt still come up, that I'll stand up to her.. I'll just tell her to "back off.. today I'm fine, and you might be on my back tomorrow again, so I'm enjoying how I'm feeling while it lasts.." Because that is the truth of it all, I don't know how long a good mood will last. So when it does occur, I'm entitled to enjoy it.
A new aspect of normal daily life came to light as well during my days of normality, and that's: Conversations..
It had been weeks since I'd had regular ongoing conversations for any length of time. I would never either have the energy, the mood or the interest.. But last week, I found myself talking and laughing, without me even wanting to.. it just happened.. And that was pretty tiring because it hadn't occurred for so many weeks. Sometimes I did get carried away with myself, getting caught up in the moment of being sociable and enjoying it, that my heart to run wild, I'd get dizzy and be breathless. These are all little things that are a part of daily life, and having a few days of being and living like a "normal" person, was exhausting.
But that was fine. It made me see that I'm still am me. I just know it will take time for the energy to come back and that I still do have a long way to go.
Mam was saying that my days of normality, were such a revelation. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The house was (apparently) a much happier place to be, because I was feeling normal. I supposedly even had an argument with Sean (I can't really remember to be honest). It was while we were watching telly on Thursday night.. over something small.. and Mam said it was like music to her ears to hear us be like that with each other again..
I knew however that my normality wouldn't last, and of course it didn't. By Saturday night, I felt that it was all going to come crashing down.. It was all too much. It felt like everyone was getting carried away with the fact that I was feeling fine.. And then I started to feel the pressure, and the guilt. I was so tired of pushing away so many feelings that usually would rule my head, that I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep up the fight. And Sunday morning I woke up and I was back down again. But I knew it, so it was fine. I didn't really care. I was just having one of them days that I wanted to close myself off from the world, lock myself away, get better all by myself, and then re-appear in months to come, and be better..As by magic...
Just one of them days.. And to top it all off.. The sun was shining.. That made me feel even worse.. because it's so much more confronting that I wasn't wanting or able to do anything..
So Mam offered to take me for a drive. I initially said no. Don't want to (like a little kid..).. But then I knew I should. Advice from Diann, "resourcing my body and soul".. So then I said.. maybe we could go down to the shopping center. That way I was getting out of the house.. 1 for Fay.. but at the same time, it's physically pressurizing myself.. 1 for Anna.. So I was doing both, which was good. But I still knew I wasn't doing the right thing.. So I eventually made myself say to mam "We can drive out to avoca and sit down by the river". (For those of you who aren't from here, that's out in the country, "being at one with nature"). It took so much effort for me to say this, but I knew I was doing myself good by suggesting it. And it was sooo nice. Mam went around taking her photographs (she goes to camera club..a hobby thing of hers), and I just sat there by myself, looking at the river gushing by. It cleared my head and I felt slightly better. It didn't make me feel normal again, but I felt "peaceful". Which was nice.
So, all in all, a pretty good week. And having one of these, just proves that there is light at end of the tunnel.. Even though, it doesn't always feel like that. I still have to tell myself over and over and again, that I'm not better..Or else I'll be on the next flight out of here.. So that is pretty frustrating.. and confusing.. The fact that I can feel so normal, but I'm still not cured. This can be so hard. I know what I have to do.. I just have to keep on pushing myself to slow down, forcing myself NOT to run away with myself.
I have to stop the urge of constantly trying to prove something to myself.. What it is that I was trying to prove, I really don't know.. If there's anything that I need to prove to myself, it's that I'm able to overcome all the hurdles that still await me.. And by doing that I'' be recovering, and that's the only thing that I should feel the need to prove to myself. And proving that I'm capable of recovering, is by slowing down. The only way I'll totally get over this, is by listening to my body and reacting to that to nurse it back to good health. This will only happen by my pushing myself BACK and not FORWARD.. As I've come to realize during the week.. "The biggest step forward that I'll make, is taking a step back"
During the week, I constantly was having the feeling that all this eating, would only have to last for a certain amount of time. It's like it's only going to be for ? amount of months, and then I will go back to normal living again. The way I was before. I discussed this with Diann.. But this is obviously not the case. This period in my life, isn't like I've "signed up for contract of ? amount of months and then it will be over and I'll return to being me".. No, I'm rebuilding my ways. I'm working on myself. I'm creating new beliefs, new habits and new awareness of myself. I'll still have the same interests, still be Niamh, but with more depth. It's like when some people have never had to work for anything in their life, never truly appreciate what they have. Not until a person has had to work for certain things, they realize just how much valuable they are, such as health and relationships. Everything has so much more value, once you've nearly lost it or had to fight for it. Yes, It is hard work, nobody said it would be easy, but once you start feeling the benefits of all the hard work, then it's paying off. This goes for me as well. And it's not the amount of time I should worry about. I shouldn't be analyzing how long this is going to take.. as Diann put it so wisely: "The todays make the tomorrows". "You're eating today to experience the tomorrows, so the present is really far more important"... What a way of putting it.. beautiful words..
You have never truly experienced a "high" in life, until you have experienced a "low". And that's when you can learn to appreciate the lows.. That way a battle will never go unrewarded.
When the panic arises about how long the recovery will take.. I should just think.. "What would Anna want..?" She would want it to be as long as possible, as painful as possible and as negative as possible. Fay would just take one day at a time. She would keep on driving me, wanting for me to get through it, no matter how long it would take. She wouldn't judge me if it longer than expected, she wouldn't be mad. She would just want me to keep on fighting Anna. The same goes for whenever I worry about how scary the road ahead is going to get once I start putting on lots of weight. Only Anna would make the road ahead seem scary. Fay would take it in her stride, knowing that she can overcome the next obstacle, just like all the others that have already been overcome. Each obstacle will then make the next one seem less scary. The confidence will be there, and will grow with each step. And that's how I'm going to try to keep on approaching it.
My added extra this week, is... oh no.. the dreaded SPUD! (I am in Ireland after all, so it really shouldn't seem so shocking..) I wasn't too happy about this to be honest. I was never a potato fan anyway.. this makes it slightly harder. I have to have a half a potato a day, anytime I like. As well as the other long list of foods I'm eating..
Anyhow, my approach to this session worked well. No stress, no worrying, just being me. And because of this, it probably also was the first session that I didn't just sit there ranting and raving, talking in jumbles, not knowing what I was trying to say or what point I was getting at.. Poor Diann, if I never knew what I was trying to figure out, how on earth was she able to know? That's another issue I suppose.
All in all, it was a nice session yesterday. Really it was. I know what I've to do, and keep on doing.. Taking it easy, taking it slowly, eating what I have to, no stressing, no pressurizing, no guilt and just concentrate on "being". I have to keep working on it..
Monday, September 8, 2008
A cold glass of beer..
A whole month has passed. It might not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it is. I have never gone this long without a drop of alcohol..since I was probably 16...
It always played a certain part in my life. This sounds real sad and pathetic, but that's just the way I always used to be. 7 days without having a drink, that would be a long time, and by that stage I would be craving it..
I sat on having a cup of tea in Hulst (Holland), just before I coming back to Ireland at the end of June. I had a conversation with Mam. It was about the whole "alcohol consuming" business and how it would effect me.
My biggest "problem" (and I know to a lot of people this will sound familiar) was that once I start, I can't stop. That's has always been my down fall.. Wanting more and binging. It can be so disgusting really.. Just pouring it down, as much a possible and the drunker I got the more I wanted. Many of you are able to stop, when you notice you're getting drunk you slow down or have a glass of water. But I was never like this. The amount of times I have gotten into situations that could have been pretty "confronting" is unreal. I could write a book on drunken stories. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be alive. But this never stopped me. Up until just months ago, this was me. Some people grow out of it. But I didn't. 25 and I still wanting the party hard and do all the stupid things that have been forbidden. Maybe it's because I'm single and I compare myself to my mates who all are nearly all in steady relationships (that's supposedly when people loose the "party-drive). I'm not too sure, but alcohol could be my down-fall at the best of times.
But that has changed. Well, I'm not too sure really, because while we were sitting have tea and coffee, Mam was telling me that she worried about me the most when it came to alcohol. She suggested that I just stop drinking it. At that point, I agreed, this was a good idea. The weeks after that I would probably have 1 or 2 glasses of rose a week, and that would be it. This isn't a lot, compared to the 5 or 6 glasses I would have 2 and 3 nights a week before leaving Ireland. Now it's been 4 weeks since my last glass. I don't even crave it. It's gone.. Which is a nice feeling.
Beer was always my thing. I would enjoy it so much.. Nice and cold, a normal glass size (not the disgusting "buckets" you get here in Ireland). Or the bottles.. Huuummmm. The last time I had a glass was the 30th of April (I only remember the date so well, because it was the "Queens Festival" in Holland and we were drinking our way around Amsterdam). Before that it had been months.. I didn't enjoy it anymore because of the calories. There are less in a glass of rose.. And I wouldn't need as much rose to get drunk..Beer I could drink for Ireland. I wonder what I'm like now.. I'd probably fall down in heap after 5 glasses..
People used to always be amazed by the amounts of beer that I was able for.. Dutch blokes especially (the Dutch can't drink anyhow..haha). When I was working in the Alps for instance, I would drink around 10 glasses of beer, on an average night.. 5 nights a week, and I wouldn't even be tipsy. Just the thoughts of that, is making me feel a little ill right now.. Those were the wild wild days I suppose.
But now, a glass of rose is nice. It's enjoyable, lovely with dinner and just to relax, chilling out, chatting, drinking and being merry. I sound like such an old bore but I think I have slowly adapted my habits and views towards drinking. Having a glass, to enjoy it, and knowing when to stop, knowing my limits.. is far better for my head, my body and for those around me..haha (but while I'm typing this, it seems so restrained, so boring and I'd much rather write: "just drinking until I'm physically not able and going totally off the rails..) Not getting carried away, not abusing my poor liver and not feeling the need to go totally mental just because there's alcohol. I can go totally mental WITHOUT being off my face. It's grand to enjoy it, but why abuse it? Why abuse myself? Why am I even thinking about alcohol like this? Why do I even feel I need to sit here and dedicate so many thoughts and time to writing about alcohol? I think that might just go to show that it did take part in my life and that it did have certain effects..
Saying that, I now think, when I do drink again, it will have been such a long time, that I might end up going off the rails.. It's like food.. if you don't cure the craving on a regular basis, when you do give in, you binge and you can't stop.. It has the same effect.
So I probably should just treat myself to a glass now and then. But at the moment, I don't feel the need and I'm not craving it.. I will be able to just enjoy a glass of rose or a cold glass of beer and control it and not worry about the calories... Adjusting the habits.. just like nearly ever other bad habit I'm trying to adjust at the moment..
The whole situation, dealing with anna, has made me cut down on the boozing, even if it were because of the calories. My weight also forced to me cut down. My body wasn't able for that much. This whole period has taught me, that alcohol isn't the "be all and end all".. Yeah, It's lovely to enjoy it, but there really is no good that can come from binging a regular basis.. Sometimes is great to let off steam, and that is required now and then..But being in control of yourself AND enjoying a beer, that's far more satisfying.
I wonder when my next glass of rose or beer will be.. Not anytime soon, but it will be glorious..
It always played a certain part in my life. This sounds real sad and pathetic, but that's just the way I always used to be. 7 days without having a drink, that would be a long time, and by that stage I would be craving it..
I sat on having a cup of tea in Hulst (Holland), just before I coming back to Ireland at the end of June. I had a conversation with Mam. It was about the whole "alcohol consuming" business and how it would effect me.
My biggest "problem" (and I know to a lot of people this will sound familiar) was that once I start, I can't stop. That's has always been my down fall.. Wanting more and binging. It can be so disgusting really.. Just pouring it down, as much a possible and the drunker I got the more I wanted. Many of you are able to stop, when you notice you're getting drunk you slow down or have a glass of water. But I was never like this. The amount of times I have gotten into situations that could have been pretty "confronting" is unreal. I could write a book on drunken stories. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be alive. But this never stopped me. Up until just months ago, this was me. Some people grow out of it. But I didn't. 25 and I still wanting the party hard and do all the stupid things that have been forbidden. Maybe it's because I'm single and I compare myself to my mates who all are nearly all in steady relationships (that's supposedly when people loose the "party-drive). I'm not too sure, but alcohol could be my down-fall at the best of times.
But that has changed. Well, I'm not too sure really, because while we were sitting have tea and coffee, Mam was telling me that she worried about me the most when it came to alcohol. She suggested that I just stop drinking it. At that point, I agreed, this was a good idea. The weeks after that I would probably have 1 or 2 glasses of rose a week, and that would be it. This isn't a lot, compared to the 5 or 6 glasses I would have 2 and 3 nights a week before leaving Ireland. Now it's been 4 weeks since my last glass. I don't even crave it. It's gone.. Which is a nice feeling.
Beer was always my thing. I would enjoy it so much.. Nice and cold, a normal glass size (not the disgusting "buckets" you get here in Ireland). Or the bottles.. Huuummmm. The last time I had a glass was the 30th of April (I only remember the date so well, because it was the "Queens Festival" in Holland and we were drinking our way around Amsterdam). Before that it had been months.. I didn't enjoy it anymore because of the calories. There are less in a glass of rose.. And I wouldn't need as much rose to get drunk..Beer I could drink for Ireland. I wonder what I'm like now.. I'd probably fall down in heap after 5 glasses..
People used to always be amazed by the amounts of beer that I was able for.. Dutch blokes especially (the Dutch can't drink anyhow..haha). When I was working in the Alps for instance, I would drink around 10 glasses of beer, on an average night.. 5 nights a week, and I wouldn't even be tipsy. Just the thoughts of that, is making me feel a little ill right now.. Those were the wild wild days I suppose.
But now, a glass of rose is nice. It's enjoyable, lovely with dinner and just to relax, chilling out, chatting, drinking and being merry. I sound like such an old bore but I think I have slowly adapted my habits and views towards drinking. Having a glass, to enjoy it, and knowing when to stop, knowing my limits.. is far better for my head, my body and for those around me..haha (but while I'm typing this, it seems so restrained, so boring and I'd much rather write: "just drinking until I'm physically not able and going totally off the rails..) Not getting carried away, not abusing my poor liver and not feeling the need to go totally mental just because there's alcohol. I can go totally mental WITHOUT being off my face. It's grand to enjoy it, but why abuse it? Why abuse myself? Why am I even thinking about alcohol like this? Why do I even feel I need to sit here and dedicate so many thoughts and time to writing about alcohol? I think that might just go to show that it did take part in my life and that it did have certain effects..
Saying that, I now think, when I do drink again, it will have been such a long time, that I might end up going off the rails.. It's like food.. if you don't cure the craving on a regular basis, when you do give in, you binge and you can't stop.. It has the same effect.
So I probably should just treat myself to a glass now and then. But at the moment, I don't feel the need and I'm not craving it.. I will be able to just enjoy a glass of rose or a cold glass of beer and control it and not worry about the calories... Adjusting the habits.. just like nearly ever other bad habit I'm trying to adjust at the moment..
The whole situation, dealing with anna, has made me cut down on the boozing, even if it were because of the calories. My weight also forced to me cut down. My body wasn't able for that much. This whole period has taught me, that alcohol isn't the "be all and end all".. Yeah, It's lovely to enjoy it, but there really is no good that can come from binging a regular basis.. Sometimes is great to let off steam, and that is required now and then..But being in control of yourself AND enjoying a beer, that's far more satisfying.
I wonder when my next glass of rose or beer will be.. Not anytime soon, but it will be glorious..
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Bored
I'm so tired of it all.
Everything..
You name it, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of my daily routine
Tired of thinking about food
I don't want to worry anymore
I don't want to be in Ireland anymore
I sick of not being around my mates
I hate the weekends
I hate missing out on life
I'm a bore and I loathe it
It's so frustrating
It's not what I want
It's not who I want to become
When can this end?
When can my day not revolve around food?
Why does it have to be like this?
I'm sick of worrying whenever I'm not worried
I'm tired of constantly wanting for figure out things
Figuring out things, when there's nothing to figure out
Creating troubles and problems where there aren't any
I'm sick of my dreams just being dreams
I want to be my own person
I want to live my own life
I want to do what I want
I want to be where I want to be
I'm tired of wanting to prove myself
I don't know what I'm trying to prove
I don't know who I'm trying to prove it to
I'm sick of my mood being analyzed by everyone
I just want to be left alone
I don't want people to have certain expectancies from me
Why should I have to live up to that
It makes me feel so sh*t
I hate it all
I'm forcing things and I shouldn't
The sky is blue so I should enjoy it
Who says? Everyone I guess..
"Niamh is doing so well"
"She's back to normal"
"Get her out in the sunshine"
Leave me alone!
It's all too much
It's running away with me
I can't keep up
It's forcing me
It's pressurizing me
When I'm struggling enough trying to let myself "be"..
Is this day over yet?
Everything..
You name it, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of my daily routine
Tired of thinking about food
I don't want to worry anymore
I don't want to be in Ireland anymore
I sick of not being around my mates
I hate the weekends
I hate missing out on life
I'm a bore and I loathe it
It's so frustrating
It's not what I want
It's not who I want to become
When can this end?
When can my day not revolve around food?
Why does it have to be like this?
I'm sick of worrying whenever I'm not worried
I'm tired of constantly wanting for figure out things
Figuring out things, when there's nothing to figure out
Creating troubles and problems where there aren't any
I'm sick of my dreams just being dreams
I want to be my own person
I want to live my own life
I want to do what I want
I want to be where I want to be
I'm tired of wanting to prove myself
I don't know what I'm trying to prove
I don't know who I'm trying to prove it to
I'm sick of my mood being analyzed by everyone
I just want to be left alone
I don't want people to have certain expectancies from me
Why should I have to live up to that
It makes me feel so sh*t
I hate it all
I'm forcing things and I shouldn't
The sky is blue so I should enjoy it
Who says? Everyone I guess..
"Niamh is doing so well"
"She's back to normal"
"Get her out in the sunshine"
Leave me alone!
It's all too much
It's running away with me
I can't keep up
It's forcing me
It's pressurizing me
When I'm struggling enough trying to let myself "be"..
Is this day over yet?
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