A Mind-boggling day..so unexpected

It's Saturday morning. The sun is shining. It's another day. New chances, more opportunities, more options..My options? To get over the day I had yesterday..

It started out fine. I had energy, I was feeling okay. I wanted to put all my "new found energy" to good use. But it back-fired unfortunately.. I had a lot going on in my head, I was pushing myself, I wanted to walk to the garage (for the wrong reasons..to be active..which I'm not allowed to be..I'm only allowed to walk to the garage if I want fresh air, and to take it easy..NOT TO BE ACTIVE).. I eventually decided not to go, because it was wrong. I wouldn't have been able for it. So I got "active" in the house.. I lasted for maybe 10 minutes.. I was pushing, I was driven, I was forcing.. And then, out of nowhere, I felt the urge to write the post "I shouldn't take it to heart" (because what I wrote in that post, I think made me push myself and it forced me to be active).. I then had a minor breakdown. I couldn't stop myself, I cried like a baby, dropped everything I was doing, and went back to bed at the beginning of the afternoon..where I stayed most of the day. I was zoned-out for most of the day.. Just lying in bed, not doing anything, just listening to my breathing and feeling safe in bed, being away from the world..

My mind was a scary place the whole day. So many things were popping up. Things that I have never realized or saw before.. I wasn't myself, I didn't feel like me. It scares me the tricks I felt my mind was playing on me.. I realized, as I lay there, wanting so much from life, means nothing if you don't have the psychical ability to do them.. What's the point? So I have to force myself to get better, no matter how awful I'm feeling. By pushing myself to do things, I'm not going to get better. So I know not to take notice of what people think of how I'm recovering or what people think I should or shouldn't be doing. I have to let that go. I also realized just the different kinds of strength a person has, not looking at the psychical aspect of things. It's scary to think that I have this illness, all brought on by the mind.. Is it all brought on by the power of the mind? That is still a little vague to me..

How have I come through the past 25 years, without ever being aware that every little thing that I've said and done, has all been me..how could I have never just given myself, my mind, my body a break? Of course, if a body is constantly being pushed too far in every way it can be pushed, it's going to break down.. I used to think that I was so great, being able to live without food.. I didn't see what the fuss was all about. Why were there supermarkets? Why do people eat? But now, I'm feeling the effects of it.. I was going so well for so long but now my body has given in. So it's normal that it will take me months to regain strength, both psychically and mentally. I've realized that I'm only human, I'm not a robot, I'm not invincible..

Those are only a few things that cropped up in my hours of despair. Later on, last night, I started to feel slightly normal again, I started to feel like I was apart of the world again.. And when I looked back on what had gone on, as I lay in bed, it freaked me out..

Yesterday afternoon I looked so peaceful, in my room, on my own, in my bed, staring, gazing.. but on the inside, a storm, a whirlwind, so powerful. Facing the fears, or only just seeing my fears, or thinking they were my fears, but by facing them they aren't anymore.. Still not knowing what they mean, where they've come from and how to deal with them.. But that's okay.. It's all part of it.

I wrote a few poems, last night, and then it was 11 o clock, and I needed to focus on something else. I needed to chill out.. I sat, watched some telly for an hour or 2, and I actually felt that if I were to do anything, I would faint. I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I haven't felt like that before, ever, just because my head was "slightly muddled". I was also starving (even though I had eaten everything I was supposed to eat), I was weak, I was dizzy. I went to bed and wanted to read before going to sleep. And I couldn't. Not just because of being tired, but my head was actually not letting my eyes run across the lines.. I can't really explain it, but it was really weird. I think I had probably reached my limits. I was literally burned-out. I was still dizzy, I was still feeling faint, as I lay there. I felt that going to sleep wouldn't be enough. I felt there was more that needed to be done. A good night sleep wouldn't get me back on track.. This would take time.. Going up and down hill all the time..Thankfully I fell a sleep pretty soon and I felt happy..

Today, I'm just so tired. Emotional maybe, but I'm on planet earth, which is nice. I'm trying not to push, I'm trying to take it easy.. After this post, I'm forcing myself not to reflect or analyze.. I have to let me be myself.. I have to let it go.. Rest and food, maybe fresh air.. that's what I need..

Reality-Check on a regular basis

Reality suddenly hits home
Smack, bang, it's right there
Skinny wrists, bony hips
No denying, it feels like the pits

Constantly needing a reminder
Or else it will all go wrong
Needing food, not wanting to eat
Still not realizing, my bones need meat

It wasn't a big deal
My life is well and good
So many hours, each and everyday
Constantly chewing, and all will be okay

Surely I'm all better
I'm right back on track
So often this thought will arise
But darkness will be the only prize

I'm aware of the truth
My life isn't as it should be
So I'm doing whats right but feels so wrong
Trusting that one day I will somehow "belong"

Power of the mind

Forever thinking it's not that bad;
Not realizing the extent
Forever thinking you know the deal;
Not seeing the depth

Forever thinking you're invincible;
Not knowing the truth
Forever thinking you can cope;
Not feeling the drowning

Forever the mind is controlling;
Being guided by your subconscious
Forever acting according to thoughts;
Being unaware of the reason

"Forever" suddenly has another meaning;
It's your own lifetime
Your "Forever" is made up through thoughts;
Living and breathing

These thoughts are somehow created;
They have their own identity
These thoughts are buried and stored;
They will grow until "Forever"
These thoughts will become you;
They are the reason for your decisions

"Forever" appears sooner than expected;
The thoughts are identified
Everything clear but also hazy;
Things that "Forever" seemed true, no longer exist

A person is lost as well as found;
Caused by actions that have led to a certain place
A person shall deal as well as heal;
Caused by the mind telling us that it's time

The mind has never failed to let you down
Processing the happiness, sadness, torture and pain
The mind has been pushing you through life
Structuring, programming and filing each moment

The moments you have lived and experienced;
They are used by the mind in a way to help
The feelings you have hidden or treasured;
They will arise to offer the clarity you seek

Every single one is taken on board;
you rely on a thought to become an action
Every single action you take;
you rely on your mind to know it's right

Therefore never be scared, you're strengthening and healing
And Have faith in yourself, just never fight the feeling..

I shouldn't take it to heart

I thought that I had gotten over the whole "people thinking I'm fine and not really sick" issue. But I haven't. I don't think I'll be able to let it go. It keeps on bothering me. Some days more so than others..

It just remarks that some people make.. Some people seem to think that I should be out doing things, living a life. Or some people think that the hardest thing for me at the moment, is keeping myself busy.. Well.. I mean, doesn't that just go to show that people will never understand. If the only thing that was bothering me, was keeping myself busy, then I would be delighted. But that isn't an issue, it's not a worry, it's not even relevant. It throws me, when I read remarks like that, even though they aren't meant like that at all.. I know.. But straight away, I feel I need to push myself again.. I instantly tell myself, that I'm not sick, I'm fine, I should be working, I should be living.. there's nothing wrong.. But there is something wrong. I'm not faking this..

It's just that it then hits home again, that nobody will ever understand. I think that might be the thing that gets to me each time. And I try so hard to tell myself that what other people isn't important. But that takes so much effort. It's not like flicking a switch. My family and friends, that are closest to me, mean the world to me. I'm just scared that when people don't understand, that it will always be something that will stand in between.. Okay, everybody can follow my blog if they want, this is my way of communicating things.. so everyone can relate.. But I know it's hard for some people. I don't want it to effect me, that people don't understand me, but it does.. It just makes me feel alone, stupid and irrational. And so sad.

How can I expect people to understand? Because nobody can. I just hate that I push myself again back into the mode of punishing myself, automatically whenever the slightest remark is made in an email or whatever. Because I am punishing whenever I tell myself I'm not ill and that nothing's wrong. I'm just lying to myself..and that's bad..I'm not allowed to.. It's such a battle, and I trying to fight it so much..but I'm not always able. I'm only human. I'm not a machine, I have feelings like everyone else. I don't deserve this battle. I don't deserve to punish myself but I can' help hating myself for putting myself through it.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2 little things, that go through my mind, every single day. They always seem to crop up, together. I can't seem to think of one without the other anymore. 2 things I've probably always been passionate about.

I'm not always wanting to focus on the things that aren't going to well for me or that are making me unhappy at the moment, so it's nice to think of things that do make me happy. Everybody knows what career choice or activity that makes them happy. The things that give you strength, things that seem to belong to you. Even though you really don't know why, when or how on earth, out of all the things that could motivate you and make you feel fulfilled, these certain choices seem to be it. Things that you want your world to revolve around.. I'm talking about all of a sudden being able to answer the question that everybody asks when you're a child: "What do you want to be when you grow up?".
Some kids know what they want, others don't. Some adults still say: "When I grow up, I want to be ... ". Some people will never find out. I would still hear myself say: "When I grow up, I want to do... or be...". And I'm 25..

But, I think I might be able to answer that question.. Even though when I was a kid, I was always able to answer that question. I wanted to be an architect, I wanted to be an air-hostess and then I wanted to be holiday rep and finally a tour-guide. The latter 2 I actually did do.. But that's besides the point.

Everyday, the thing I say to myself, over and over, without me having any control over it whatsoever.. is that I'm passionate about writing and travel. These 2 things are what seems to make me happy. I feel like they belong to me, for some reason. There isn't a day that goes by without me longing to do both. Travel has always been a passion of mine. I thought it would die down, but it hasn't. It's only become stronger. As for writing. I've always loved it. But only in the past months, since coming back to Ireland, has my world started to revolve around it. Maybe it's because it's helping me so much, getting me through this period. I'm not too sure. But I do know, is that the only time I feel calm, is when I'm writing. Come to think of it, when I was traveling, that was how I felt about it then too. Everyday, I would sit for hours and hours writing about things that were happening, people I was meeting, places I was going, dreams I was having and plans I was making.

Over the past months, it's become so much more a part of me. I've even started looking differently at how powerful words on paper can be...and how certain thoughts, going round and round in a persons' head, only really come to life, when they are written in a certain way with a certain meaning.. I can't describe it. I just think it's such an amazing thing.. Right now, as I'm typing this, I can just feel the adrenaline inside, it's all going round and round, rushing through just making me realize how strongly I all of sudden feel about it..

Overwhelmed..by the realization..

Loosing track of time

Loosing track of time, that is such a treat
What a revelation, and a huge relief
Not looking at the clock, not a single worry
A feeling of liberation, no rush or hurry

Nothing else is important, just the moment and you
Why would it matter, when there's nothing else to do
It's not an issue, maybe just a brief thought
Feeling slightly unnatural but not distraught

It's way it should be, to work things through
Not to find a solution, but to find the real you
Time can stop because it works and is on your side
By letting this occur, in yourself you will confide

There'll be not more hiding, just feeling and existing
You're true person, soon there'll be no resisting
And loosing track of time will make it all become so clear
That you are worthy of shedding that sorrowful or joyful tear

A spark of the real ME coming through

Thursday morning. Just a little thought I need to share.

I've been worrying that I'm pushing myself too much through my recovery. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. It's seems to be going so fast. But at the same time, I've been slowing down, to get better and I'm learning to listen to the signals my body is sending through. Signals telling me to rest, telling me "no physical activity", but also signals telling me to deal with thing.. Listening to these signals is the only way I'll know how far I've come, if I'm going in the right direction whilst also making progress. I'm not forcing myself, but it's all just going automatically. Without me feeling the need to prove myself, without me pressurizing myself. Well, I'm do my best not to pressurize myself (changing the habits and creating new pathways).. But when things come up, and I'm able to deal with them, then it's good, isn't it? Then I'm not overdoing it. Then surely it's just my mind working as it should do, without me over-analyzing. Then surely it's just my nature. The way I'm dealing with things, how I'm choosing to deal with things and the amount of time it's taking to deal with things..I'm not forcing myself, it's just happening. Doesn't that just say something about the person who I am, and not the person I'm expected to be or the person I want to be. Because everyday I HAVE to tell myself.."Niamh, today you are just going to focus on "being", I'm going to force, push, prove or pressurize myself.." So whenever I want to write about things, things that are playing on my mind, without over-analyzing.. isn't that a good thing?

I'm still in control of my recovery, I'm the one who decides what's the best way to deal with it all..
The way things have been taking their course since I returned to Ireland on the 2nd of July.. Isn't that a good thing? It just says that, as I leave the feelings of trying to prove myself behind, my own personality is still there.. And that I do have a "driven personality" by nature. That this is the real Niamh (not that I was trying to be someone I'm not). Just me. Just me dealing with things the way I know is best for me.. A sign coming through of ME, without being held back or caught up with Anna. Slowly banning her from my life, and realizing that this is part of the real ME.. It's in my nature to deal with things head-on, facing the problems and, no matter how much pain and agony I've been feeling, still loving life and still wanting to embrace every moment.. What a relief, that I'm am the person I always thought I was. What a relief, that I haven't been fooling myself. What a relief, that I can still be me, without listening to Anna. What a relief, that I'm not a bad person. What a relief, that I am still ME..

Along Came Polly

I watched a movie, last week. It gave me such a thrill, it gave me such a great feeling, I knew exactly what I was aiming for.. It gave me visions of myself, of my future, as i was lying in bed, on a Thursday afternoon, snuggled, feeling like a piece of cr*p, but still getting so much great inspiration for a movie.. "Along Came Polly", with Jennifer Anniston.

I watched it for the first time, last week. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I haven't stopped thinking about it. It wasn't the movie that inspired me, but it was Polly, played by our FRIENDS star..Jennifer. Not that she's a gorgeous looking person or anything.. But the character she plays, is such a free spirit. I want that so much. If you haven't seen the movie, the plot of it is basically that the main character played by Ben Stiller, is a guy who takes no risks, his whole life is planned strategically. Polly is the opposite. She doesn't commit herself to anything, has traveled and she goes with the flow, thriving on everything that isn't seen as "normal". I'm not saying that one is better than the other. Both lifestyles have their pros and cons, just like everything..

So why couldn't I stop thinking about her? Why was I envious? Because I want to be a free spirit, just like her. But MY OWN free spirit.. Being my own person, knowing what I want, and doing what I want for all the right reasons, but for the main reason.. and that's because I want it. Not doing anything just because that's what expected of me. That doesn't work for me and sometimes I think that the one time in my life I did do what was expected of me, and it wasn't all that wise. But that's a learning curve. I've no regrets, never have, and never will. I just know now, that I make my own decisions, my own choices, my own life. If I'm selfish by saying that, then so be it. I'm the only person in the whole world that knows what Niamh Keoghan wants to do with her life, what's best for her and what she treasures in life. So therefore I'm the only person who can decide what road to take.

I want to be free, in everything I do. This isn't a dress rehearsal.. This is real, this is life. This is it. I want to liberated, I want my mind to be set free.. I don't mean just in the way of getting a plane and traveling. Not at all. It's so much more than that. I want experience.. I want to embrace the moment, the here and now.. I don't want to analyze time anymore, I don't want it to rule my life, age is unimportant, years are irrelevant.. I don't want to plan ahead for years to come.. or live in the past.. I want to be set free from anything that was once holding me back.. And you know what.. Today, during acupuncture, as I lay on the table, with 12 needles sticking into me, I started to feel as if I'm being slowly set free.. the barrier is starting to come down..ever so slowly.. and it was a glorious feeling.

As a lay there, I longed to be her.. Free in mind, body and soul..
And once again I have to tell myself (as I do most days), In order to "live", for now I have to just "be".

Fruit and Veg, a mountain of it..

My food-plan this week, is freaking me out. It scaring me so much.
I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop worrying as well, that I won't be able to eat it all..

Every evening I'm sitting, watching a dvd or the telly, and I'm planning how I'm going to fit in everything the next day. It's just so much. I feel a panic arise once I've made it through the day because I have do it all again the next day..
I feel like I'm being swamped, that I'm out of my depth, and that I'm drowning..

Mam came home yesterday with a mountain of fruit and veg.. mostly for me.. I'm not exaggerating when I say mountain.. (sorry mam, nothing personal) But how on earth am I ever going to eat all that. I panicked, I knew I would have to eat it all, but it's not possible.. It made me feel ill, it wanted to throw up, I didn't want to eat. I appreciate all the good food.. but I don't want to see a massive mountain of it, knowing that it's all going to be going through my system at one stage.. That's just disgusting and wrong. I can't deal with and I don't want to deal with it. I can't be expected to be happy to see a mountain of food. Really, it's too much pressure, and then I feel frustrated with myself for making it into such a big deal, because really it isn't a big deal..

I'm just so full all the time, and it always feels like it's time to eat. That's because it IS always time to eat. That's just so wrong. Nobody else eats that much. Okay, I know, I'm rebuilding my body and muscle and strength..bla bla bla.. But that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make my stomach feel empty, it doesn't let me get hungry, it doesn't give me a "breather"..

I feel like it all has to end at some stage, all this eating. I keep feeling that it will only be for a certain amount of time, then it will be over and I will go back to the way I was. Even though I know that isn't the case. I know I'm going to have to keep on eating, constantly for the rest of my life, and that I will never go back to the way I was. But will the time come, that I won't have to switch off the feeling of being a pig, of stuffing my face and feeling gross because of it. Will I forever have to ignore the mirror because my belly is so swollen and I hate that I'm putting on weight. I can't help feeling that I'm abusing my body and that I'm putting too much strain on my insides, by eating to much. Who ever said that it was healthy to eat even when you're full? On tv, all people tell you, is that you should stop eating when you're full.. Why can't I do that? I know why..because I used to do that all the time, and I pushed it too far..that's why. I know why I'm stuffing my face, I know I need to. But it doesn't make it easier.. no matter what anybody tells me, it doesn't make me feel better about myself..

Then there's my supplements, I either see them as my saviours or as my enemies. It's either one or the other. Never anything in between. They are my enemies when I'm having a bad day, because then even the thought of them make me feel ill.. They are my saviours whenever I'm having a good day, whenever I can see clearly, or whenever I'm feeling tired and emotionally unstable but mentally stable.. On a day like today, I never want to glass to empty. I always want more. Or an incident that occurred last week. I had poured the supplement into a glass, and I went to the loo, I came back into the kitchen, and Sean couldn't resist it, he had taken a sneaky mouthful.. I was fuming! I don't know why. It was only a mounthful, but still, I felt betrayed, I felt robbed! I shouldn't have let it get to me, but it did.. (even days later, I couldn't let myself forget about it.. how pathetic am I..??)Just goes to show, that I'm either loving them or hating them. I know that I wouldn't want to be without them at the moment. I would feel like I would slowing down my recovery.. I'd be missing something.. I don't know why I keep on thinking about how life would be without them. Because it's my choice to stay on them for now, and for as long as I want, if Diann's stories are anything to go by (she has worked with girls who have been taking them for years..). So I don't have to worry that they'll be taken off me.. I shouldn't have to feel threatened or scared..

Right, so like lots of people have told me.. one step at a time. one meal at a time. one day a time.. I know the theory of it all, I know exactly what I need to do, but putting it into practice is a whole different story.. I can only do my best.

Ralph is his name

Another treatment of the old acupuncture this morning.
Mentally preparing myself for it, yesterday evening.. My own "big day out". That seems to be such a big deal, when really it's so straight forward and easy. I'm still obviously not all that able to go out and about without feeling "zoned-out" and having the "out of body feeling". Strange, but it is getting less and less each week.

Going to acupuncture each week, does make me feel like I'm still independent, even though it's just such a little thing. It's because when you don't do anything, day in day out.. and whenever you DO do something or go somewhere it's always with someone (mam usually), it can make you feel like you're not capable of doing anything alone anymore. However going down to the acupuncture every Wednesday morning, by myself, just proves that I am still capable even though it takes a lot out of me.. as I just mentioned I have mentally gear myself up for it the day before. And when I'm back, I'm so glad to be in the house again, so glad to be back in my comfort-zone, so glad to make some tea and to be able to have a lie down if I want.. (weird, isn't it, the little things that suddenly seem so precious and mean so much..who'd have thought..).

Anyhow, a taxi-ride, a bit of chit-chat with the driver and I found myself sitting in the office talking to Mr. Acupuncturist again. By the way, his name is Ralph, so I think I'll be calling him that from now on..
I was pretty woozy, dizzy and fuzzy and not really totally "on the earth", but it was ok. We talked about the last week, and how the acupuncture effected me. I told him briefly about all the emotions, aches and pains that I had the day after the last treatment, and that was bound to happen, he reckons. Which is good. It means that the acupuncture is working. He asked if I got some clarification from all the feelings that suddenly cropped up. He asked if I learned anything from it. I told him that everything that came up, was dealt with on Monday with Diann and that it helped so much and I was able to work through a lot of things, I got more clarification as well as realization. We didn't discuss it in depth because it's all still pretty "raw" at the moment, and I'm still only dealing with it myself. But, when I feel I'm able for it, we can discuss certain issues in the weeks to come. These were his words by the way, so he didn't pressure me, which I was pleased about.

We had a good chat, and I just said in passing "isn't the human body such a strange thing".. He picked up on my comment, and before I knew it, we were talking about spirituality and the world and the human soul.. Well, he was doing the talking, I was doing the listening. He said some real interesting stuff, quite complex and I could only register half of what he was saying. But what he was trying to say was,
that not only should we cherish the beauty surrounding us but we should also cherish the beauty inside of us; the beauty that everybody has and that everybody can make shine. It's not only our surroundings that should make us happy and reflect who we are, what we feel and what we believe, but that this powerful and strong shining from within can do just as much..if not, it can do more.. Realizing this, finding this, and making it shine..That's what this journey is all about.
(This is the same thing Diann said to me, when I first went to see her.. the shining of the diamond..everyone has the ability to shine, and everybody deserves to shine).

There is so much more to all this that meets the eye. I reckon, down the line, I will learn so much from him..(by the way, he has these intense beady eyes with the kind of eye contact that makes you feel like he's looking into my soul..freaky hey!!) It can all seem very "floaty" and "off the wall" and not everybody believes in spirituality, (I've thought it was always pretty interesting and sometimes fascinating, to a certain point), but I'm open to whatever comes my way and I'm willing to let this journey guide me in the directions I feel that are right. I will trust my intuition, trust in myself and use myself as my own guide.
(Sorry to get a little side-tracked there..)

The treatment itself, wasn't as intense as last week. He said he would "give me a break" this week. It was so nice, and so relaxing. It lasted for nearly 1 hour and I just floated the whole entire time. Now and then I felt like I was looking down on myself or that I was being held upside down (that's so strange..quite relaxing and funny at the same time) and sometimes it was like I was being plugged into a socket and could feel electricity buzzing through my body.. It was the first time that I actually felt that.. It only lasted a few seconds (unfortunately), but was so cool.
I should be nice and chilled now for the next few days, because of it..

When I was back home, 2 hours later, I was absolutely wrecked. My legs were like bricks.. I could hardly walk and I felt sick aswell.. So I just lay down for a few hours. The treatment was obviously still working.

All in all, it was a real good session. I enjoyed it so much and learned a lot. Such an interesting healing method (and the needles aren't freaking me out as much anymore either) that will give me so much more than regular bowl movement and a larger appetite.. Aren't the Chinees wise fellows for once discovering this.. Go China!!

Extra, extra, extra...

It's still Tuesday.. And my first day with a lot of extra extra's..

What has been added onto my food-plan this week? Well, I have to have some dried fruit with my muesli in the morning. That was pretty hard going.. So filling, it was unreal.. I've been full all day because of it. I also have to have a bit of broccoli with dinner or green salad. That's not too bad, salad isn't really that filling. But I have to a DIGESTIVE BISCUIT as well.. I couldn't believe it when Diann said it yesterday. And it's not just one.. no, it's 1 day!! I haven't had a biscuit since the beginning of June. Which really isn't that long to be honest. But still. I don't want to have to eat it.. I really wondered why on earth was Diann making me eat biscuits? I can't get any goodness from them, can I?

But, that's not what it's about. It's about the whole "forbidden foods syndrome". These are foods that I wouldn't let myself eat, because they are unhealthy. At the moment, my list is pretty long.. Just about anything sugary or fattening..
In months to come, if I was to still have certain foods that I don't let myself eat, then it's easier for me to have a relapse. How does this work? Well, if I was having a bad period or a weak moment, and I ate something that, in my mind is fattening and forbidden, then the feelings of guilt will come up. What happens when I feel guilty about eating something, my initial reaction is to cut out something else during the day, to compensate it.. and then that can turn into a binge (caused by feeling starved) which can then lead to hours and hours of starvation.. The whole cycle could start up again.

So Diann will get me to eat all kinds of different things, even ice cream and chocolate. I understand why it has to be done. But it doesn't make me feel any better about having to eat it. When eating it, I have to remind myself why I'm doing it..It's just like a "training". It's all part of it. It's not to make me fat and I'm not going to have be eating them forever..
I have to see that I'm allowed it and it's alright. I can eat a biscuit and hell won't freeze over, the world won't stop turning and I won't be an elephant (even though I do feel like that at the moment, but that's a different issue..)

I'm not too sure, I so full all the time, so this week and the eating will be a challenge. I just need to stay focused and I need to stay on top of it..or else I panic and I feel like I'm drowning.. I'll be chanting to myself to whole week, just to keep up the chewing, swallowing and digesting.. (I'm actually noticing that my teeth are feeling the "crunch" as well..all the chewing and biting and constantly eating.. they are getting a major work-out..they aren't really able for it..). But for now, a supplement awaits.. (and my stomach is just screaming at me to leave it alone.. it needs some rest.. it needs a time-out..not the chocolate bar no, but a real time-out.. but I'm not allowed to give in..). Right, food time, again....

After every high, comes a low

During the session with Diann yesterday, I learned some other things about myself, that I never realized were an issue or how it could be related to my current "state of being".

Mam was saying that, throughout the past years, if I look at how I've been living my life so far, not only the "going going going" is what I've become known for, but also "After every high, comes a low". Everybody I know, knows that I've always been going and never stopping. But only my close family will recognize the other side.. It's never been said to me before but I've always known it.

"After every high, comes a low".. Whenever I've been doing exactly what I wanted, I'd be "flying high". I would be on top of the world, literally. For example, when I went to London 4 years ago, I was ecstatic. I loved my life. I couldn't get enough of everything and anything that this amazing city had to offer and I didn't want it to end. But it ended, of course. I knew this, because it was only a 3 month internship. I came back to Holland, and I was low.. I was down, didn't want to be in Holland, I wanted to travel, I needed to go go go again. I needed to seek the thrill. I needed something major to happen.. and it did. After 3 months of moping around looking for a job, I went to Austria, for 4 months. A massive high, it was unbelievable. Life couldn't get any better for me. I went straight from there to Greece. I still needed to seek the thrill.. I needed to keep on going. And I did. The first week in Greece, I did have a minor break down, and I probably now realize why.. Too much adrenaline, too much "highs" for my system to deal with, knowing something isn't quite right with me, but still keeping up the barrier, keeping up the front that I'm on top of the world and living life to the full..
After Greece, straight back down again, another low.. Then Australia.. so high I can't even describe it..

I can see the pattern.. What a rollercoaster. A hectic life. But a person can only go through these extreme highs and lows for a certain amount of time, until it crashes.. Something eventually needs to be done, to realize that life can't be lived like this.

This rollercoaster, all brought on by the feeling of having to go go go and proving that the only way to live a full a life is to travel. But that's just nonsense..even though I led myself to believe this. So this is how I choose to live. This is what was I was known for, so therefore it's what I needed to do..

Mam was the one who pointed this out. I knew exactly what she was talking about when she said it. There's another example I could give.. At the end of every year, when watching the fireworks after the clock has struck midnight, everybody would usually think back of the year gone by and look forward to the year to come.. That's normal right? New beginnings and all that. But whenever I would do this.. I would usually analyze if the past year has been either good or bad. If it was a good year, I would say to myself.. "right, this new year is going to be bad but that's okay, because I've just had such a great one". That's usually the way my year would end and the new one would start. I'd be setting myself up for the highs or the lows, without realizing. Which is just putting pressure on myself and it's totally "off the wall" well.. (and know you what, the past 2 or 3 months I was thinking about new years eve of 2008/2009 and I was already was setting myself up for a great 2009, because this one has been so bad..).

Diann said, that has a lot to do with the whole "time" issue. I need to let it go. I'll be relieving myself by doing so. But I'm still not wearing a watch and trying to adapt my ways and bad habits slowly. I'm trying to create new pathways. And I know I need to find the balance in my life. I always thought that the only way I would feel I could recover from the lows, was to experience another massive high.. But this isn't the case. I know what needs to be done.. "Create new pathways, learn new habits, adjust my beliefs and treasure my values" ..

Guilt, guilt and...shame? Session 10

It's Tuesday afternoon. Yesterdays' session with Diann seemed to take a total different course. I had lots of questions. Lots of things I wanted to discuss. But somehow these issues never even came up.

We started off, discussing my week, as we always do. I lived through the emotions, once again. I ranted and raved about how I dealt with the ups and downs, what worked for me and what I learned from last weeks session.
I was telling her about the extremely bad day I had on Thursday after the acupuncture on Wednesday, how I dealt with it and the lesson I learned. Thursday I felt so sick, ill and emotionally drained. She said I did exactly what I needed to do, to get through it as quickly and "painless" as possible. What did I do? I forced myself not to analyze and worry about why I was feeling so bad and why I couldn't stop crying and why I was hating the world. I just let the feelings "be". I lived through it and stayed in bed most of the day. Usually I would have been beating myself up the whole day, trying to resist feeling depressed and ill, trying to figure out why I was feeling so low, which would have only made the process longer and more painful. But it only lasted for a day and it was all triggered by the acupuncture. It released so much energy, it released so many emotions. They came out of nowhere like a smack in the mouth. So unexpected but with so much force at the same time. I got through it and the days after that were a lot less "challenging", which is a good thing.

Friday and Saturday I was fighting with the guilt feelings. The other days, I was too "out of whack" to know if I was feeling guilty. But Anna was right there, from Friday morning, giving out to me. Anything I did, it was bad. If I went to bed.. I was feeling guilty. If I was resting, I was feeling guilty. If I was eating, I was feeling guilty. If I was in a good mood, I was feeling guilty. Constantly she was there, telling me I'm not ill, telling me there's nothing wrong, telling me I'm lazy and forcing me to start living my life again. She was pushing and wanting me to feel awful all the time.

A prime example of Anna trying to rule my afternoon: It was Saturday, I wanted to sit out in the back garden. It was sunny and I knew that it was good for me to get some much needed fresh air. I really wanted to sit out and listen to my i-pod, and just zone out.. and relax. I knew that this would re-energize me, especially sitting in the sun. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself do exactly what I wanted to do. I was so angry with myself. I was beating myself up because I wouldn't let myself listen to the music. I was beating myself up because I was sitting outside. Either way, it wouldn't have mattered what I would have done, I was beating myself up. I knew I needed to listen to Fay, and do whatever made me feel happy. I would be feeding my soul and every little contribution to my recovery is beneficial. But I wouldn't let myself. I was so frustrated and angry. So I sat in the sun and read my shitty book instead. That way, I wasn't totally doing what I felt was "fun" (listening to Anna), but sitting outside and getting fresh air (listening to Fay). I would have preferred to sit out in the back garden in the rain. That probably would have made me feel "better".. and I would have gotten the flu at the same time, which would also have been great.
Then when Mam came home I felt even worse because she was delighted that I was sitting outside.. She didn't say it, but I knew what she was thinking. What kind of an awful person am I, that I don't even want my mam to be pleased and happy that I'm getting better.. I'm an awful awful person. I love her to bits, and I don't want her to be happy? But of course I want her to be happy. But doing what makes her happy, makes me feel bad because I'm then being good to myself... If I make myself feel good(listening to Anna), that would make her unhappy. So I should probably make myself feel bad (listening to Fay, which causes the bad guilty feelings) which makes the people I love feel happy, because I'm then being good to myself. Okay, that makes sense. I shouldn't be selfish and think of others for a change..
Conclusion: whenever I'm not motivated, whenever I want to step out of line, whenever I'm not doing the things to get better, I should tell myself: "If I'm not doing it for myself, do it for the people I love".

Why couldn't I just have done exactly what I wanted to do? Why is that? Everybody else does whatever makes them happy, but I wouldn't let myself. I felt soooo bad doing this. Sitting there, I felt so awful.. Doing the right thing can feel so bad. And it's so frustrating. It makes me sad at the same time. The fact that I don't feel I deserve to do things that make me happy. I started to wonder, how on earth am I ever going to enjoy life again, if I'm always feeling guilty whenever I do something good for myself? Will this haunt me forever? The voice of Anna, telling me that I'm not allowed to feel feelings that everyone else feels..It's okay for them to feel it, but not for me? Why?
But that's why I'm adjusting and creating new habits. New ways of thinking. Pathways are being carved. I will eventually be able to sit out in the back garden in the sun, listen to my music, and feel happy about it, without the guilt.

2 weeks ago, had been such a great week, that I probably set myself up for a bad week. I probably thought.. "Right, time-out, enough of all this "feeling good", now it's time to feel bad"..
I told Diann about the enormous feelings of guilt. Where do they come from? Why are they there?
This gets pretty deep.. (just a warning)..

Guilt is supposedly a reaction to shame. Not the shame of being anorexic, but shame the is created as a young child, and that is carried with you through life. Children pick up on everything that happens in the home. Good vibes, bad vibes. Everything. They are not able to think about things, the way adults do (obviously), they can't answer their own questions rationally. So they have their own answers to the problems. They find the answers and these make it easier for the child to deal with the situation that's uncomfortable. So for instance if parents split up, children try to do things and act in certain ways, just make things better. They feel they should maybe work harder, look after mammy, clean up more often, do better at school, things like that. They blame themselves for the problems that exist and try to fix them in a certain way but when children realize that they haven't helped the situation or made it better it causes a feeling of shame. This shame, if the events happen at an impressionable age, is "imprinted" and will be carried on through life. It depends on the personality as to how this shame is dealt with and how it comes to surface when a child becomes an adult.
Your personality forces and drives you to keep on dealing with a certain feeling in a certain way.

The way Diann explained the feelings of shame and guilt, made me realize a lot. I thought it was a little complicated at first, but after letting it sink in, I now understand that feeling guilty for sitting out in the back garden in the sun, is so much more. Guilt is the action of shame.

Diann seems to know me so well. She could tell me what character traits I have.. What kind of a personality have I got? I'm a perfectionist, active, always wanting to be the best, sensitive, independent, strong (she actually didn't mention "strong", but I just want to add it in there myself..haha). Having a certain personality obviously leads to certain behaviour. A person deals with things differently.
Just an example of what I just explained. During the week, after acupuncture, I started remembering little things that I once said as I child.. (everyone had those I reckon. certain situations, when someone said something or you said something which you've never forgotten..for some reason or another). Well I was 10, living in Holland, I was out playing with, my then best friend, Leonie and we were talking about going to secondary school. In Holland there are different levels you study at, and that's determined by how "smart" you are. I said to Leonie "I want to go to the Havo (that was one of higher levels), so my mammy will be proud of me". I will never forget that day, I can even remember where we were..It's so strange that it stuck with me for so long, and even stranger that I started thinking about it the past week (again, the acupuncture probably "opened up" some stuff that obviously have some connection with this whole "situation"). But that just goes to show that I always have felt the need to prove myself and that I wanted people to be proud of me. Mam, by the way, has never ever put any kind of pressure on me, to be the best or do more.. Never. I put it all on myself. (oh, I never made it to Havo in the end..hhaha, that's besides the point).

Just by coincidence I found myself , the past few weeks, wondering, "How important is it to find the answer as why this has happened to me, why have I got anorexia?". The importance of knowing the reason, isn't really an issue. Just knowing that I'm ill, knowing what I have to do to get better, not resisting the treatment and staying strong, that's what's most important. But if things come to light, without me forcing them, then it's good. There never is 100% certainty as to why this has happened. But knowing things from the past, can give me clarity as to why life has taken this route. It can make me understand things. It can offer me peace of mind (even though it's a lot to take in, at this moment in time..).

So, am I expressing a feeling of shame? Guilt is fueled by shame. So we can only assume I am. It would explain so much. It can explain my reason for doing things the way I have done...constantly going going going and never taking a "time-out", never stopping. Yes, my personality might be active, but this can be used in the "wrong" or "right" way. I haven't always been doing it the right way I'm afraid. I may have been too active..to the point of not feeling worthy if I'm not being active. The feeling of shame can explain why I always feel the need to prove myself. (I don't know who I'm supposed to proving what to.. But still wanting to prove myself.)It can explain the feeling i have that people will love me less if I don't meet the expectations I have of myself. But nobody else expects anything of me! I'm the only one who seems to expect certain things of myself. Nobody will love me less if I do less or achieve less. Will they? No they won't. But this is what I have lead myself to believe.
They are my "beliefs"--> "Beliefs" are the assumptions we make about ourselves, about others in the world and about how we expect things to be. Beliefs are about how we think things really are, what we think is really true. I have been acting according to these. It's my mind that has gotten into this habit.

"Beliefs" are not to be confused with "values"--> Values are about how we have learned things ought to be or people ought to behave, what we feel is important in life, things we treasure in people and in life. They are views that act as guidance through life.

What are my values Diann asked.. My values are making the most out of everyday, living life to the full, experiencing and embracing all life and the world has to offer. This is what really matters. I have to focus on these values, and not let myself be driven by my belief that I'm only a worthy person when I'm depriving myself of food, starving myself, punishing myself and making myself feel unhappy. I need to treasure my values. I can only be true to these, once I let go of the belief that I'm "unworthy whenever I'm not proving myself"..

This period in my life I have to see an investment. I'm investing in my future. I'm investing in myself. The things in life I treasure the most, I can ONLY experience, if I work through this situation. If I learn to focus and treasure my values, then I will need to let go of my beliefs. I need to learn, I need to adapt my way of thinking. If not, then my values are meaningless. Because loving life and embracing all it has to offer, can only be done if I'm healthy and eating properly... If I don't eat properly, then i don't experience.. "Saying yes to food is saying yes to life". And to me, life is all about "living", and not just "being". I just have to remind myself that, in order to "live" again, for now I have to just "be".
I can literally see lightbulbls flickering on in my head..What a revelation.. It all sounds so easy and straight forward. I didn't even realize what Diann was meaning by this yesterday, until I wrote it this second.. How clear it has all become..

This was only a fraction of what came up during this session. By working and writing through it all, just now, I can relate to it. It has opened up some "pathways" for me. An answer is not what I'm looking for. That's not what Diann aims for either, but if things DO come to light, without forcing them, and I'm able to deal with it, then that's what we'll do. I just didn't expect it, when we went to see her yesterday. I don't know what else could come. But, for now, it's enough to deal with, and I'm not going to stress and push and force things. When I'm good and ready things will start to come up and if I'm able to deal with them, they will come without force.

I'd just like to add, that none of this is about placing the blame, pointing the finger, trying to undo the past or resenting and regretting how things were dealt with. I wouldn't dream of changing my past for a million years.. Nothing what so ever, and I couldn't be more proud of my mam and how she brought up her 5 kids. She made things happen for us all and taught us precious lessons in life. Nobody could have done a better job..