If my reflection was different and had been all along
And each day the mirror would show me someone appealing, wise and strong
Would the world have also seen what I could have believed was me?
Because if that's what I thought was real then that's what the world will see..
If my reflection was different and had caused me no shame
And each day the mirror would show me someone eager to play the game
Would I have acted out that person in the reflection that I chose to admire?
And the world would then see her soul and continuously burning fire..
If my reflection was different but I was the same inside
And each day the mirror would show me someone who really needs to glide
Would I be confident and feel good because of the reflection?
And the world would then accept me without further inspection..
If my reflection was different and I believed it was true
And each day the mirror would show me someone who is happy and brand new
Would I not be blinded by the judgement of the culture in which we live?
And world would then be a confirmation of the self-criticism I chose to give..
My reflection has become different and I can slowly see what's real
And each day the mirror shows me someone with who the world has had to deal
I choose to see there's more than just that unfamiliar sight
So the world will also see me, as I see myself, with all my might..
My reflection has become different and it might be here to stay
And each day the mirror shows me someone who is starting to feel okay
The world will see what I will feel and I'll be happy without shame
So what comes back to me are joyous vibes, as that's for what I'll aim..
Friday, January 16, 2009
A dark cloud
Where to start.. The past 2 days have been manic, chaos in my mood and in my head. I went to acupuncture yesterday so that might have triggered something. I'm not quite sure what exactly, but something's been happening. The treatment itself went well. Ralph is back so that was a nice surprise and I'm actually quite glad too. He makes me feel calm for some reason. Breda always managed to make me feel on-edge and frantic. So anyhow, I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks, so he could see a difference in me. I quote: "Your cheeks actually go up, when you smile and there's a sparkle in your eyes". Right fine. Whatever. I wasn't really feeling the sparkle, to be honest. But I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. I was filling him in on my eating and how "well" I've been doing and calm and relaxed I've been feeling since the beginning of the new year.
Maybe I spoke too soon because after the treatment, I started to feel down. And it got worse and worse as the day progressed. I couldn't deal with anything. I was so emotional and being around anyone was too much. I couldn't speak either. So I closed myself off upstairs, in bed, from 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I wasn't really that tired, but I was just so upset. Anytime I was "in my head and alone with my thoughts" I'd be in tears. Frantic floods of tears. I was such a mess and in such a state that I thought I'd never be right again. I felt like it was never going to pass. It's like when you have a bad doss of the flu for instance, and you can't imagine ever feeling okay again. Well yesterday I couldn't ever imagine me not crying and feeling of grief was never going to pass.
If I didn't keep myself busy with a book or dvd, I was in tears. I didn't have dinner. But it wasn't intentional. I just couldn't deal with people around me and was feeling so depressed that cooking a dinner was just something I wasn't going to get out of bed for. So I didn't. I wasn't restricting myself. I just wasn't bothered and I didn't feel guilty either. And anyhow, doesn't everyone miss an occasional meal?? yes, well, so do I.
My head was so fuzzy and full and I couldn't do anything. I hate that feeling so much. Before all this started, I never used to have this feeling in my head as I do now, on a regular basis. I can't really explain the feeling. Sometimes it's like a pressure or it's like there's something about to erupt and other times it's like my forehead is a magnet and it's being drawn to something from the outside..if that makes any sense.. It's still feeling like that now too. And when it's like this, all I want is to lay my head down. And I can try to read educational books or write something proper, but I'm just not able. Which sometimes can make my being here, feel as if there's no purpose to it at all.
Anyhow I stayed in bed and didn't get out of it until 9 this morning. It really isn't any wonder why I had the worst night sleep of my life..after being in it for so many hours. But I eventually managed to get some hours. Then I woke up and didn't really see the point in getting out of bed. I just wanted this day to go by and I didn't want to think about what's going on or, more to the point, what's NOT going on in my life. Had I stayed in bed, I would have only felt worse. So I had to face the "music"..whatever that was. But there was no "music" really.
Most of the day I've been searching the internet, again. Looking for something and hoping I'll come across something that will "tickle my fancy". I didn't want to stress about it too much, so I didn't and all I've managed to properly think about is my bed. That's all I want. And it's not because I'm tired. It's because my head is fuzzy and heavy and I don't really want to be around people. I can't deal with anybody right now. But I've had to resist the temptation of curling up in bed and wishing the day away. I simply can't, not if I want to sleep properly tonight.
This afternoon I went shopping with Ma. But I would have preferred to stay at home. I didn't want to see people living their lives. I didn't want to think about being in Arklow because it just makes things worse. But I had to get out of the house. At least that way, getting out of bed today or not going back to bed this afternoon, would have had a purpose. But as I walked around the supermarket I was so angry. Angry at something I've never been angry with before. Food. I resented it so much. Food is what's got me where I am today and I hated it for that. Which is so silly, I know. But I couldn't help it. If it weren't for food I wouldn't be in this place. But then again, if it weren't for food, then nobody would be anywhere I suppose. So I should be grateful for it.. But this afternoon I just wasn't.
At the moment I'm still not right. My head is still feeling as it did yesterday. I don't want to think about others and their lives. I can't because it gets me down too much. I'm doing all I can to stay away from the room upstairs. I can't shut myself off. Even though I'm starting to feel drained and tired, I can't go up there.. But I suppose I don't have to if I really don't want to. I keep waiting for everything to get easier, but if it's not one thing, it's another..
Maybe I spoke too soon because after the treatment, I started to feel down. And it got worse and worse as the day progressed. I couldn't deal with anything. I was so emotional and being around anyone was too much. I couldn't speak either. So I closed myself off upstairs, in bed, from 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I wasn't really that tired, but I was just so upset. Anytime I was "in my head and alone with my thoughts" I'd be in tears. Frantic floods of tears. I was such a mess and in such a state that I thought I'd never be right again. I felt like it was never going to pass. It's like when you have a bad doss of the flu for instance, and you can't imagine ever feeling okay again. Well yesterday I couldn't ever imagine me not crying and feeling of grief was never going to pass.
If I didn't keep myself busy with a book or dvd, I was in tears. I didn't have dinner. But it wasn't intentional. I just couldn't deal with people around me and was feeling so depressed that cooking a dinner was just something I wasn't going to get out of bed for. So I didn't. I wasn't restricting myself. I just wasn't bothered and I didn't feel guilty either. And anyhow, doesn't everyone miss an occasional meal?? yes, well, so do I.
My head was so fuzzy and full and I couldn't do anything. I hate that feeling so much. Before all this started, I never used to have this feeling in my head as I do now, on a regular basis. I can't really explain the feeling. Sometimes it's like a pressure or it's like there's something about to erupt and other times it's like my forehead is a magnet and it's being drawn to something from the outside..if that makes any sense.. It's still feeling like that now too. And when it's like this, all I want is to lay my head down. And I can try to read educational books or write something proper, but I'm just not able. Which sometimes can make my being here, feel as if there's no purpose to it at all.
Anyhow I stayed in bed and didn't get out of it until 9 this morning. It really isn't any wonder why I had the worst night sleep of my life..after being in it for so many hours. But I eventually managed to get some hours. Then I woke up and didn't really see the point in getting out of bed. I just wanted this day to go by and I didn't want to think about what's going on or, more to the point, what's NOT going on in my life. Had I stayed in bed, I would have only felt worse. So I had to face the "music"..whatever that was. But there was no "music" really.
Most of the day I've been searching the internet, again. Looking for something and hoping I'll come across something that will "tickle my fancy". I didn't want to stress about it too much, so I didn't and all I've managed to properly think about is my bed. That's all I want. And it's not because I'm tired. It's because my head is fuzzy and heavy and I don't really want to be around people. I can't deal with anybody right now. But I've had to resist the temptation of curling up in bed and wishing the day away. I simply can't, not if I want to sleep properly tonight.
This afternoon I went shopping with Ma. But I would have preferred to stay at home. I didn't want to see people living their lives. I didn't want to think about being in Arklow because it just makes things worse. But I had to get out of the house. At least that way, getting out of bed today or not going back to bed this afternoon, would have had a purpose. But as I walked around the supermarket I was so angry. Angry at something I've never been angry with before. Food. I resented it so much. Food is what's got me where I am today and I hated it for that. Which is so silly, I know. But I couldn't help it. If it weren't for food I wouldn't be in this place. But then again, if it weren't for food, then nobody would be anywhere I suppose. So I should be grateful for it.. But this afternoon I just wasn't.
At the moment I'm still not right. My head is still feeling as it did yesterday. I don't want to think about others and their lives. I can't because it gets me down too much. I'm doing all I can to stay away from the room upstairs. I can't shut myself off. Even though I'm starting to feel drained and tired, I can't go up there.. But I suppose I don't have to if I really don't want to. I keep waiting for everything to get easier, but if it's not one thing, it's another..
Vulnerable
If I look, it starts all over again. The feeling comes up and I can see the pain in my eyes. I cannot take it anymore. I don't even want to tell you how I'm feeling. I don't really want to be writing this, but I know I have to. I know I'll be sorry if I stop blogging and start writing somewhere else. I know I'll be shutting everyone out. Maybe that's what I want to do right. Maybe I don't feel comfortable with everyone reading this. I don't know why but maybe I should just stop. Maybe I'm sick of owning up to all these awful feelings I'm feeling? Maybe I've had it. Maybe I'm too honest.
But then, that brings me to something Diann said to me on Monday. To be open and honest and admit to how you're feeling, shows you're vulnerable. Showing emotion can be classed, by society, as showing weakness. Diann said it's quite the opposite. It shows that you are strong. It shows that you are honest and have nothing to hide and that you are taking responsibility for the emotion and feeling that a certain situation or a certain person is causing you to feel. It shows that you aren't trying to shove the emotion onto someone else or blame someone else for it. You are owning it and that shows strength. If I were to close myself off and tell the world I'm feeling fine and dandy and try to be someone I'm not, while the emotions are still there but I'm ignoring them and hoping they'll go away, then they'll manifest in a different and destructive way. Through either blame, guilt or resentment. So if I were to close myself off, I'd be weak. I'm not weak though, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you about how happy I am to be nearly better and about how glorious the world is just to "polish my diamond" in the process. No way.
So if I'm being open and showing I'm feeling emotional and down and sad and missing so much, then why aren't I feeling strong. It isn't making me feel any better by admitting to this. But I suppose if I were to say that I was great and be hoping to protect myself, then I'd be feeling just as bad or probably even worse, inside. However sometimes it's easier to just say that all is fine. I know when it's not though. Because if someone asks me if I'm fine and I say yes, but 10 seconds later I'm closed off and crying my eyes out because I've said that I was okay but felt bad about lying, then I know I'm not okay. I suppose as long as I know how I'm doing, then isn't that okay? It doesn't really matter what others know or think. When they're my issues then it shouldn't effect anybody and it shouldn't be their concern and I shouldn't feel awful for saying that I was okay when really I wasn't.
Anyhow, I'm admitting that it makes me feel like a heap of ****, being where I am right now. It feels worse than it's ever felt before. It hurts and it makes my head feel fuzzy. It's all clogged-up. I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about the world. I lay awake until 4 am this morning after spending the whole day in bed watching dvds and reading, just trying to get away from every person and every thought. I wanted to get up at 2, then at 3 then at half 3. I lay awake thinking about life on the otherside of the world. Where everyone was traveling, working, in the sun, seeing the world and partying. Everyone was having a ball, but here in my world, in Arklow, in my bed, all was dark. There wasn't any light. But, even though it might sound like it, my thoughts weren't messed-up. They were just there. They weren't driving me insane, they were just saddening me.
And then to plan on getting up, for being so restless, but to suddenly wake-up and it to be the morning, when on the other side of the world everything is starting to quieten down again. It's getting dark over there. The day of working, traveling, chilling or just being outdoors, is coming to a halt. But it doesn't matter because the night is clear over there. The stars are uncountable and the air is warm. The night brings so much beautiful sights with it, that it just makes the world an even more fascinating place to be. And once the sun comes up over there, at around 5am, the world is still beautiful. Instead of a dark sky will millions of stars, there's a blue sky with the occasional drifting cloud and the sun that can depended on to warm everything and everybody.
In the middle of the night, I wanted to get up, just to be living life at the same time as the other side of the world. But then that would mean, that today I don't really want to make the most out of this day because it's dark over there and their world is sleeping, so therefore so should I. But it's not right. It's not the healthy way of thinking. It's just silly.
I'm at a loss right now and I have no clue of what to do or where to go. By owning up to feeling like this am I'm fueling it? But if that's how I feel and if that's how I've been thinking, then why should I feel ashamed for thinking like this? Why should I question if it's right or wrong? By doing that, I'll only drive myself crazy. That will only make matters worse. Surely just being honest won't? It should only help me to find out why on earth I'm feeling like I'm feeling right now.
But then, that brings me to something Diann said to me on Monday. To be open and honest and admit to how you're feeling, shows you're vulnerable. Showing emotion can be classed, by society, as showing weakness. Diann said it's quite the opposite. It shows that you are strong. It shows that you are honest and have nothing to hide and that you are taking responsibility for the emotion and feeling that a certain situation or a certain person is causing you to feel. It shows that you aren't trying to shove the emotion onto someone else or blame someone else for it. You are owning it and that shows strength. If I were to close myself off and tell the world I'm feeling fine and dandy and try to be someone I'm not, while the emotions are still there but I'm ignoring them and hoping they'll go away, then they'll manifest in a different and destructive way. Through either blame, guilt or resentment. So if I were to close myself off, I'd be weak. I'm not weak though, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you about how happy I am to be nearly better and about how glorious the world is just to "polish my diamond" in the process. No way.
So if I'm being open and showing I'm feeling emotional and down and sad and missing so much, then why aren't I feeling strong. It isn't making me feel any better by admitting to this. But I suppose if I were to say that I was great and be hoping to protect myself, then I'd be feeling just as bad or probably even worse, inside. However sometimes it's easier to just say that all is fine. I know when it's not though. Because if someone asks me if I'm fine and I say yes, but 10 seconds later I'm closed off and crying my eyes out because I've said that I was okay but felt bad about lying, then I know I'm not okay. I suppose as long as I know how I'm doing, then isn't that okay? It doesn't really matter what others know or think. When they're my issues then it shouldn't effect anybody and it shouldn't be their concern and I shouldn't feel awful for saying that I was okay when really I wasn't.
Anyhow, I'm admitting that it makes me feel like a heap of ****, being where I am right now. It feels worse than it's ever felt before. It hurts and it makes my head feel fuzzy. It's all clogged-up. I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about the world. I lay awake until 4 am this morning after spending the whole day in bed watching dvds and reading, just trying to get away from every person and every thought. I wanted to get up at 2, then at 3 then at half 3. I lay awake thinking about life on the otherside of the world. Where everyone was traveling, working, in the sun, seeing the world and partying. Everyone was having a ball, but here in my world, in Arklow, in my bed, all was dark. There wasn't any light. But, even though it might sound like it, my thoughts weren't messed-up. They were just there. They weren't driving me insane, they were just saddening me.
And then to plan on getting up, for being so restless, but to suddenly wake-up and it to be the morning, when on the other side of the world everything is starting to quieten down again. It's getting dark over there. The day of working, traveling, chilling or just being outdoors, is coming to a halt. But it doesn't matter because the night is clear over there. The stars are uncountable and the air is warm. The night brings so much beautiful sights with it, that it just makes the world an even more fascinating place to be. And once the sun comes up over there, at around 5am, the world is still beautiful. Instead of a dark sky will millions of stars, there's a blue sky with the occasional drifting cloud and the sun that can depended on to warm everything and everybody.
In the middle of the night, I wanted to get up, just to be living life at the same time as the other side of the world. But then that would mean, that today I don't really want to make the most out of this day because it's dark over there and their world is sleeping, so therefore so should I. But it's not right. It's not the healthy way of thinking. It's just silly.
I'm at a loss right now and I have no clue of what to do or where to go. By owning up to feeling like this am I'm fueling it? But if that's how I feel and if that's how I've been thinking, then why should I feel ashamed for thinking like this? Why should I question if it's right or wrong? By doing that, I'll only drive myself crazy. That will only make matters worse. Surely just being honest won't? It should only help me to find out why on earth I'm feeling like I'm feeling right now.
She
What am I supposed to do when it all gets too much? When I can no longer distract myself from what is really going on and from what I can feel I need to deal with. But I simply can't because it hurts too much. What am I supposed to do? I want to escape feeling like this, but I can't. I know it's there so I have to face up to it, but it makes me feel so bad. My chest starts to hurt and I can't stop crying. I feel like she's taken it all away from me. I feel like something has been stolen and I can never get it back, or I'm scared I'll never own it again.
Everything I want, she's got. Everything she is, I'm not. Everything I think up, she can do. Everything I dream of, she steals. As if it's nothing. As if it's meaningless. As if I don't matter. As if my feelings don't count. As if it's all effortless, which it's not. But she doesn't know and either do they. It hurts, badly. And she has no clue or idea of what her actions do to me. I don't want to see anybody or hear anybody or be around anybody. To be left alone is all I want, again. That way there's no risk or no chance to hear what I don't want to hear or hear things that I can't deal with. To hear things that only show me how far I have to go to get what I really need. Because it has become a case need, it's no longer a case of want. This is a case of not being able to live and be happy, without it.
I can't and will not ever settle for anything less. Because it wouldn't hurt so much, if it wasn't what I was meant to do. But she just acts as if I don't count and as if it doesn't effect me. She knows nothing and hasn't a clue. It probably would have been nicer to be stabbed in the heart than to have to face up to losing something so dear. The resent is unbearable.
A moment alone or being alone with my own thoughts is too painful. But I'm doing it right now. Because I know I have to deal with it, sooner or later. I can no longer escape this feeling, it's right there. This urge, this tension, this pressure, this loss. All of these driving me to tears. Tears that are making my eyes sting like never before. My head is fuzzy and I want this feeling to go. But it won't. It never will. Not until I know there's a way out. Not until I can see where I'm going. Not until I have reassurance that my time is coming. Not until I can deal with not having what I need. As long as I know it's coming then I can deal with whatever comes my way. And if it's what I need, then it's a neccessity. I cannot be without it. It's real, it's raw and it's me.
I clutch on to this awful feeling and try to see it as an answer to where or when I should leave. It has to have a meaning or else it wouldn't feel this bad. It's never felt as bad as it does right now. I can never leave this room. Can I? I'll just cry, once I see someone. I'll break down again. I feel resentment, anger and loss all over again. When they start to die down, it's okay, but I instantly think I'll be okay to be around them, but then I know I won't. I can hear her voice right now and it makes me so angry.
The worst thing about it is that I know exactly what to do to make it go away. I know how to turn it around, but I can 't. I think I'm beyond retional thinking right now. I feel too yuck and my head is no longer my own. So I can't and don't want to use all my energy to pick myself up out of it and make this into a better day. I'm facing facts, by writing this down. But I can't go any further. I have to draw the line somewhere. So I'm drawing it here. I don't need to. There'll be more days. Better days that won't be ruined because of hearing certain things. The emotions and the pain might leave tomorrow or later on. But for now, all I can do is distract myself in order to feel somewhat sane.
Everything I want, she's got. Everything she is, I'm not. Everything I think up, she can do. Everything I dream of, she steals. As if it's nothing. As if it's meaningless. As if I don't matter. As if my feelings don't count. As if it's all effortless, which it's not. But she doesn't know and either do they. It hurts, badly. And she has no clue or idea of what her actions do to me. I don't want to see anybody or hear anybody or be around anybody. To be left alone is all I want, again. That way there's no risk or no chance to hear what I don't want to hear or hear things that I can't deal with. To hear things that only show me how far I have to go to get what I really need. Because it has become a case need, it's no longer a case of want. This is a case of not being able to live and be happy, without it.
I can't and will not ever settle for anything less. Because it wouldn't hurt so much, if it wasn't what I was meant to do. But she just acts as if I don't count and as if it doesn't effect me. She knows nothing and hasn't a clue. It probably would have been nicer to be stabbed in the heart than to have to face up to losing something so dear. The resent is unbearable.
A moment alone or being alone with my own thoughts is too painful. But I'm doing it right now. Because I know I have to deal with it, sooner or later. I can no longer escape this feeling, it's right there. This urge, this tension, this pressure, this loss. All of these driving me to tears. Tears that are making my eyes sting like never before. My head is fuzzy and I want this feeling to go. But it won't. It never will. Not until I know there's a way out. Not until I can see where I'm going. Not until I have reassurance that my time is coming. Not until I can deal with not having what I need. As long as I know it's coming then I can deal with whatever comes my way. And if it's what I need, then it's a neccessity. I cannot be without it. It's real, it's raw and it's me.
I clutch on to this awful feeling and try to see it as an answer to where or when I should leave. It has to have a meaning or else it wouldn't feel this bad. It's never felt as bad as it does right now. I can never leave this room. Can I? I'll just cry, once I see someone. I'll break down again. I feel resentment, anger and loss all over again. When they start to die down, it's okay, but I instantly think I'll be okay to be around them, but then I know I won't. I can hear her voice right now and it makes me so angry.
The worst thing about it is that I know exactly what to do to make it go away. I know how to turn it around, but I can 't. I think I'm beyond retional thinking right now. I feel too yuck and my head is no longer my own. So I can't and don't want to use all my energy to pick myself up out of it and make this into a better day. I'm facing facts, by writing this down. But I can't go any further. I have to draw the line somewhere. So I'm drawing it here. I don't need to. There'll be more days. Better days that won't be ruined because of hearing certain things. The emotions and the pain might leave tomorrow or later on. But for now, all I can do is distract myself in order to feel somewhat sane.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Rejection 2
So once you don't turn on yourself anymore, what happens next? What happens when you feel strong and stable enough to open up to all opportunities without having any fear? What happens when you're not rejecting yourself anymore and you're not neglecting your what you desire? That's the time and place where the world becomes the place of unlimited potential. It's the place to make it all happen and to cease the moment. It could lead to that someone special becoming your world with whom you create moments and memories to cherish forever. What happens if that special someone were to walk away and to reject you? Would the world stop turning? Would you crumble up in a heap and want life to end? Would it only make you more weary in the future to never open-up again to how you're really feeling? Or would you feel sad and just let the emotions run their course? Would you start to feel fine again and be glad that you showed how strong spirited you were by saying how you felt? Would you have no regrets for saying how you felt? Would you see it as "nothing ventured nothing gained"?
To open-up and to be rejected, would that make you feel ashamed? Would it mean you're a failure? Would it indicate you haven't achieved and therefore make you feel even more worthless than you already did? But being loved by someone isn't an achievement. It's not a goal. Goals are driven by the need to succeed and eventually get to that place where you think everything will happen for you. "Not being rejected" isn't something you aim for, so it shouldn't make you feel shame or like you've failed or haven't achieved. It shouldn't throw you off course in life. It shouldn't make you feel less of a person. If anything, it should make you feel more of a person and make you feel stronger.
You thought for so long that by not telling that special someone any of your real feelings, it would protect you from pain. There'd be no rejection to feel or no emotions you'd have to deal with. It was therefore safe. But by protecting yourself you've only being hurting yourself. Because after so much time has passed you cannot let go of the "what ifs" and the "maybe this or that would have happened"? You sit and think and you are pretty sure that you let something amazing slip through your fingers all because you rejected yourself, your needs, your desires and convinced yourself for years that you'd never be loved by someone so beautiful and convinced to never reach for the stars because they are untouchable. But at that time that's what you needed to do. Because you felt worthless and thought that that special person would never see something special in you. But was it seen, that special something inside of you?
That's the question, that you may not ever know the answer to. Once you are stable and see that you, just like everyone else, deserves happiness and deserves to be loved and deserves to feel special and you happen to have another shot and you're rejected then the emotions will take their course but you soon won't be hurting anymore by feeling like opportunities and something special has been missed out on. Because nothing would have been missed. There'll be nothing lost because you'll still have you. You won't reject yourself as it will just be someone else seeing that it isn't "a match made in heaven" or there just wasn't the right "click". You are still a whole person. They have taken nothing, only given you more strength. You will see that you still deserve to be loved by someone you class as that special someone.
And anyway, who determines which person is more special than the next? Aren't all people special in their own way? It's just the "click" or the "match" or the compatibility of two people or the feelings that a person can bring up that determine if that person is your special someone. Look at it from the other way: If those feelings aren't there on your part, then does that make them less of a person? No. It just means you can adore them, but not in the same way as they adore you. But do you tell them they aren't deserving of you? Do you tell them they are worthless and silly for even considering the possibility of you answering to their feelings in the way they wanted you to? No, you don't. Because you don't feel above that person. Everyone is equal in your eyes, so why would you tell yourself that you are below everybody else?
In the long run, closing yourself off caused you more pain and will continue to do so until you see what it is you have to give and realize that if you are fearless in every other aspect of your life so you can also be fearless when it comes to rejection. You told Diann that you can do anything. So why can't you do that? You are willing and able to take risks everyday if you could. Being fearless of life and rejection is a part of life. There's nothing to be scared of. Nobody can harm your shiny diamond and you are always safe. As long as you don't reject yourself, nothing is ever going to happen to break you down.
To open-up and to be rejected, would that make you feel ashamed? Would it mean you're a failure? Would it indicate you haven't achieved and therefore make you feel even more worthless than you already did? But being loved by someone isn't an achievement. It's not a goal. Goals are driven by the need to succeed and eventually get to that place where you think everything will happen for you. "Not being rejected" isn't something you aim for, so it shouldn't make you feel shame or like you've failed or haven't achieved. It shouldn't throw you off course in life. It shouldn't make you feel less of a person. If anything, it should make you feel more of a person and make you feel stronger.
You thought for so long that by not telling that special someone any of your real feelings, it would protect you from pain. There'd be no rejection to feel or no emotions you'd have to deal with. It was therefore safe. But by protecting yourself you've only being hurting yourself. Because after so much time has passed you cannot let go of the "what ifs" and the "maybe this or that would have happened"? You sit and think and you are pretty sure that you let something amazing slip through your fingers all because you rejected yourself, your needs, your desires and convinced yourself for years that you'd never be loved by someone so beautiful and convinced to never reach for the stars because they are untouchable. But at that time that's what you needed to do. Because you felt worthless and thought that that special person would never see something special in you. But was it seen, that special something inside of you?
That's the question, that you may not ever know the answer to. Once you are stable and see that you, just like everyone else, deserves happiness and deserves to be loved and deserves to feel special and you happen to have another shot and you're rejected then the emotions will take their course but you soon won't be hurting anymore by feeling like opportunities and something special has been missed out on. Because nothing would have been missed. There'll be nothing lost because you'll still have you. You won't reject yourself as it will just be someone else seeing that it isn't "a match made in heaven" or there just wasn't the right "click". You are still a whole person. They have taken nothing, only given you more strength. You will see that you still deserve to be loved by someone you class as that special someone.
And anyway, who determines which person is more special than the next? Aren't all people special in their own way? It's just the "click" or the "match" or the compatibility of two people or the feelings that a person can bring up that determine if that person is your special someone. Look at it from the other way: If those feelings aren't there on your part, then does that make them less of a person? No. It just means you can adore them, but not in the same way as they adore you. But do you tell them they aren't deserving of you? Do you tell them they are worthless and silly for even considering the possibility of you answering to their feelings in the way they wanted you to? No, you don't. Because you don't feel above that person. Everyone is equal in your eyes, so why would you tell yourself that you are below everybody else?
In the long run, closing yourself off caused you more pain and will continue to do so until you see what it is you have to give and realize that if you are fearless in every other aspect of your life so you can also be fearless when it comes to rejection. You told Diann that you can do anything. So why can't you do that? You are willing and able to take risks everyday if you could. Being fearless of life and rejection is a part of life. There's nothing to be scared of. Nobody can harm your shiny diamond and you are always safe. As long as you don't reject yourself, nothing is ever going to happen to break you down.
Rejection 1
Rejection. To reject yourself or to be rejected by others. Which one is worse? Which one hurts the most? What kind of rejection is more destructible? To reject yourself is to not see or answer to your needs and needs differ from one person to the next. To reject yourself is not to see how important it is, to live life is and be at ease with yourself and appreciate all you have to offer.
What can happen if you reject yourself and if you neglect your deepest desires? What would be the outcome? Rejecting yourself indicates low self-esteem and no sense of self-worth. It shows you don't feel deserving of anything good, sacred or precious in life. Not seeing that you're rejecting yourself and at the same time being scared of being rejected by another person is so contradicting. Because you were never scared of rejecting yourself, you just did it, without realizing it. You didn't cherish what it was you had, you needed and you wanted. And being scared of being rejected by another person shows that you see more worth in that person than you do in yourself. You had more fear of being rejected by another person than being rejected by yourself.
You were scared that by opening-up and showing your true feelings to another person, that you'd be rejected. They might walk away and you'd be left alone, with a broken heart. If they were to leave you, they'd take something of you with them. So surely it's wise to protect yourself and see it as being safer by not even thinking or engaging with the feelings and possibilities of what could be, if were you to be fearless of being rejected by that special person.
It would make much more sense for yourself to feel fear of being rejected by yourself than being rejected by someone you care deeply about. There can be so much damage done by rejecting yourself. The term "stand by your man" should be rephrased to: "Stand by yourself".. well, maybe only if you a person who has rejected or neglected themselves in the past or felt non-deserving of love from another person. It is also said that in order to appreciate and accept love from another person, you have to learn to love yourself first. And it's true. To have a lasting, dependable, indestructible and strong relationship with yourself based on selfworth would only give you what you need to fully embrace the love that someone gives to you in a relationship.
You have rejected yourself so there is no sense of self-worth. For years, you have convinced yourself you don't deserve anybody that you see as being "out of your league" and you tell yourself over and over again that there isn't any point in opening-up to how you really feel about that person. So this has become a part of you. It brings you down without you even realizing it. You have learned to face facts that you're just never going to be pretty, smart or good enough for anybody special. You have also told yourself never to reach for the stars, when it comes to being loved by another, because nothing will ever come of it, only pain. You have already told yourself to settle for second best. But how awful is that, for that person, who in your eyes is classed as "second best"? Doesn't that just say that you think that person isn't as worthy a person as that special someone who you can't stop thinking of and who will always have a special place in your heart? Doesn't that say a lot about you and that you judge people and that you don't feel that every person deserves as much happiness as the next person? Doesn't it say that you think there are only a few people on this planet that are extra special and have a "shinier diamond" than the majority of people on this planet? No, this isn't the case, because you know everyone is special and you see the good in everyone else, except for yourself.
In your eyes someone can be classed as being "out of your league" but in somebody else's eyes that person might not be seen as such an extraordinary human being. But you seem to think that everyone thinks like you. Of course this isn't the case. Everyone sees different things in different people. Everyone needs different things from a relationship. It just doesn't mean that the person who is chosen as "second best" in your eyes, is less special. Because everyone is special is their own way. Not everyone chooses to see the good in each and every person. But if everyone could and did and if you choose to see it too, and I know you do, you could also see the good in yourself. So why can't you see it? It's because for years you have told yourself otherwise.
By seeing the good in yourself, just like you see in others, means that you can learn how to love yourself again. Can you then accept someone else to love you? Can you accept the fact that you deserve to feel happiness and accept the fact that you deserve this love and can you then know that whatever might or might not happen will never inflict any harm on you as a person, because you yourself will never reject what's most important in life, which is you? Is that possible?
Never rejecting yourself will give you confidence and stability within. It will reassure you that all is well in your world, no matter what happens. It's the place that tells you that you're fearless. So by being fearless you are fearless to open-up. Fearless to take risks. Fearless to show vulnerability. Fearless of the future. But without fear there is no future because feeling fear is predicting the future. So without one, the other doesn't exist. Each day is all you have. You don't know what will happen next week, next year. The future is now and with each choice and each deed you do, you are creating it, as it's happening. You are living it right now. A timeless mind because there isn't any fear.
..................
What can happen if you reject yourself and if you neglect your deepest desires? What would be the outcome? Rejecting yourself indicates low self-esteem and no sense of self-worth. It shows you don't feel deserving of anything good, sacred or precious in life. Not seeing that you're rejecting yourself and at the same time being scared of being rejected by another person is so contradicting. Because you were never scared of rejecting yourself, you just did it, without realizing it. You didn't cherish what it was you had, you needed and you wanted. And being scared of being rejected by another person shows that you see more worth in that person than you do in yourself. You had more fear of being rejected by another person than being rejected by yourself.
You were scared that by opening-up and showing your true feelings to another person, that you'd be rejected. They might walk away and you'd be left alone, with a broken heart. If they were to leave you, they'd take something of you with them. So surely it's wise to protect yourself and see it as being safer by not even thinking or engaging with the feelings and possibilities of what could be, if were you to be fearless of being rejected by that special person.
It would make much more sense for yourself to feel fear of being rejected by yourself than being rejected by someone you care deeply about. There can be so much damage done by rejecting yourself. The term "stand by your man" should be rephrased to: "Stand by yourself".. well, maybe only if you a person who has rejected or neglected themselves in the past or felt non-deserving of love from another person. It is also said that in order to appreciate and accept love from another person, you have to learn to love yourself first. And it's true. To have a lasting, dependable, indestructible and strong relationship with yourself based on selfworth would only give you what you need to fully embrace the love that someone gives to you in a relationship.
You have rejected yourself so there is no sense of self-worth. For years, you have convinced yourself you don't deserve anybody that you see as being "out of your league" and you tell yourself over and over again that there isn't any point in opening-up to how you really feel about that person. So this has become a part of you. It brings you down without you even realizing it. You have learned to face facts that you're just never going to be pretty, smart or good enough for anybody special. You have also told yourself never to reach for the stars, when it comes to being loved by another, because nothing will ever come of it, only pain. You have already told yourself to settle for second best. But how awful is that, for that person, who in your eyes is classed as "second best"? Doesn't that just say that you think that person isn't as worthy a person as that special someone who you can't stop thinking of and who will always have a special place in your heart? Doesn't that say a lot about you and that you judge people and that you don't feel that every person deserves as much happiness as the next person? Doesn't it say that you think there are only a few people on this planet that are extra special and have a "shinier diamond" than the majority of people on this planet? No, this isn't the case, because you know everyone is special and you see the good in everyone else, except for yourself.
In your eyes someone can be classed as being "out of your league" but in somebody else's eyes that person might not be seen as such an extraordinary human being. But you seem to think that everyone thinks like you. Of course this isn't the case. Everyone sees different things in different people. Everyone needs different things from a relationship. It just doesn't mean that the person who is chosen as "second best" in your eyes, is less special. Because everyone is special is their own way. Not everyone chooses to see the good in each and every person. But if everyone could and did and if you choose to see it too, and I know you do, you could also see the good in yourself. So why can't you see it? It's because for years you have told yourself otherwise.
By seeing the good in yourself, just like you see in others, means that you can learn how to love yourself again. Can you then accept someone else to love you? Can you accept the fact that you deserve to feel happiness and accept the fact that you deserve this love and can you then know that whatever might or might not happen will never inflict any harm on you as a person, because you yourself will never reject what's most important in life, which is you? Is that possible?
Never rejecting yourself will give you confidence and stability within. It will reassure you that all is well in your world, no matter what happens. It's the place that tells you that you're fearless. So by being fearless you are fearless to open-up. Fearless to take risks. Fearless to show vulnerability. Fearless of the future. But without fear there is no future because feeling fear is predicting the future. So without one, the other doesn't exist. Each day is all you have. You don't know what will happen next week, next year. The future is now and with each choice and each deed you do, you are creating it, as it's happening. You are living it right now. A timeless mind because there isn't any fear.
..................
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Calm versus Chaos 2
As I sat with Diann yesterday I didn't know what I wanted to do, say or be. I even said to her that I'm tired of talking about myself. Yes, I could hardly believe it myself.. I always have something to say..but yesterday I didn't want to anymore. I just wasn't bothered. There simply can't be anything else left to say. But of course, there always is, even if it doesn't make sense. But nobody's judging me, so why should I care if what I was saying was just jumbled-up mumbo-jumbo, without any meaning or relevance? Should I care? No I shouldn't.
During the week I was trying to figure out if I need to go over the past 6 months in order to deal with it. But I don't. It's all in the past. We're living in the here and now. What's happened has happened for a reason, it was meant to happen as it did and as long as I've made peace with it, then it's okay. And anyhow, who wants to relive pain over and over again? I don't. I want to move on, more than ever. I asked Diann, what if there are still things I need to deal with..what then? Don't I have to find out why, where and when? Don't I need to search for answers? But of course I don't. If there are still things that I'm having trouble with, they'll come up, in daily life. I'll know if there's something bothering me. I'll know if I need to deal with something. Because they'll be right there in my face, they'll be occupying my mind and I won't be able to ignore them, if I continue on the road I've been traveling. If I continue to be open and honest about how I'm feeling, then I won't need to dig or stress.
I know that all too well. If there's nothing there, if all the bad thoughts have gone, then that should give me more energy to be creative if that's how I want to be. It should give me time to enjoy life and do things I want to do.. There are certain people who always start their day by writing what it is that's bothering them. It doesn't matter what these things are, nobody is evaluating or observing these things. They are exactly the thoughts that are in that persons head, at that moment. Once they've gotten everything out of the way, then they can let themselves be just as they want to be.
In a way that might be what I've been doing for months now. I'm not too sure. But I've always started my day with writing and then everything is out there and not in my head anymore. However it didn't always mean that the rest of my days were blissful. Definitely not. They were mostly doom and gloom and filled with stress of Anna. But that's the way it was meant to be. Because she was ruling me and I needed to fight her. After writing whatever it was that was on my mind, that gave me space in my head to deal with the issue at hand..which was Anna. God, that makes so much sense. Anyhow so now, I still start the day by writing and don't feel okay until I have done, and I don't have Anna occupying my mind 24/7, so I can find things I enjoy! Wouw.. How great is that?? Can I continue my life like this forever? Always start my day with writing whatever is on my mind, to leave room for happier feelings and thoughts and to keep the river flowing? Because it will continue to flow..forever. It's not going to stop, suddenly when I wake up (pretty soon I hope) and Anna is out of my life. The flow of life will always be there, it's natural. It's what we're here for.
For probably the first time in my life, around 3 or 4 weeks ago, I lay in bed and actually said to myself, god, what a life I've had so far. There's so much ups and downs, as with most people, but I should be able to let my head rest and feel at ease for once. I deserve it, just like everybody else. I don't need to raise issues that aren't there and I don't need to find solutions to problems that don't exist. I know that, but as I said.. the mind has a mind of it's own. If I'm not dealing with things, or occupying myself, then of course I'm going to go insane. Especially if it's in my nature to be active, full of life and always needing more of whatever it is that could come my way.
It's a part of life. Doing things and being as we want. It's normal. Every person on this planet does it. Day-in day-out, people live their lives, make choices, aim for goals, achieve miracles, fight illness and nourish relationships, all to live and be happy.
During the week I was almost afraid to do anything. It was like it would all be wrong or maybe it was too soon. But if I'm otherwise going round the bend, then it's time to start being in this world again. I don't mean booking the next ticket to Canada (no matter how much I'd love to) but it could be by doing the simplest little thing, like taking a short walk or starting a language course. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. The point is, that if I don't start branching out to slowly start going about life again, then I think I might slip into a depression. This is not what Diann said, but this is just how I've been feeling. Because what healthy person wouldn't go insane by sitting indoors all day long? It's not that strange really..
I don't have to feel abnormal for wanting more, at this moment in time. I don't have to feel alien for doing things that other people don't do (that's what the meditating made me feel like). Again it all comes down to just being as I want to be and forgetting about being judged by myself. I don't have to think about what others think of me, do I? Why would I? Because it really doesn't effect me. It doesn't hurt my core because that's indestructible. Just everybody's core is. A place inside that can never be harmed by anything or anybody. It's reliable to stay intact whatever challenges life throws at us, no matter how big or how small. It will always be there and needs some attention from time to time, it needs to be nourished as well as loved and there's nobody else on this planet that can do that, but yourself. Because nobody else knows how precious it is, what it's capable of and how it feels to be in touch with that person..that core inside of you. That's the shiny diamond that we all have and that we can all choose to see in ourselves and in others too. It the root of everything and contains the solution to every problem we might come across.
During the week I was trying to figure out if I need to go over the past 6 months in order to deal with it. But I don't. It's all in the past. We're living in the here and now. What's happened has happened for a reason, it was meant to happen as it did and as long as I've made peace with it, then it's okay. And anyhow, who wants to relive pain over and over again? I don't. I want to move on, more than ever. I asked Diann, what if there are still things I need to deal with..what then? Don't I have to find out why, where and when? Don't I need to search for answers? But of course I don't. If there are still things that I'm having trouble with, they'll come up, in daily life. I'll know if there's something bothering me. I'll know if I need to deal with something. Because they'll be right there in my face, they'll be occupying my mind and I won't be able to ignore them, if I continue on the road I've been traveling. If I continue to be open and honest about how I'm feeling, then I won't need to dig or stress.
I know that all too well. If there's nothing there, if all the bad thoughts have gone, then that should give me more energy to be creative if that's how I want to be. It should give me time to enjoy life and do things I want to do.. There are certain people who always start their day by writing what it is that's bothering them. It doesn't matter what these things are, nobody is evaluating or observing these things. They are exactly the thoughts that are in that persons head, at that moment. Once they've gotten everything out of the way, then they can let themselves be just as they want to be.
In a way that might be what I've been doing for months now. I'm not too sure. But I've always started my day with writing and then everything is out there and not in my head anymore. However it didn't always mean that the rest of my days were blissful. Definitely not. They were mostly doom and gloom and filled with stress of Anna. But that's the way it was meant to be. Because she was ruling me and I needed to fight her. After writing whatever it was that was on my mind, that gave me space in my head to deal with the issue at hand..which was Anna. God, that makes so much sense. Anyhow so now, I still start the day by writing and don't feel okay until I have done, and I don't have Anna occupying my mind 24/7, so I can find things I enjoy! Wouw.. How great is that?? Can I continue my life like this forever? Always start my day with writing whatever is on my mind, to leave room for happier feelings and thoughts and to keep the river flowing? Because it will continue to flow..forever. It's not going to stop, suddenly when I wake up (pretty soon I hope) and Anna is out of my life. The flow of life will always be there, it's natural. It's what we're here for.
For probably the first time in my life, around 3 or 4 weeks ago, I lay in bed and actually said to myself, god, what a life I've had so far. There's so much ups and downs, as with most people, but I should be able to let my head rest and feel at ease for once. I deserve it, just like everybody else. I don't need to raise issues that aren't there and I don't need to find solutions to problems that don't exist. I know that, but as I said.. the mind has a mind of it's own. If I'm not dealing with things, or occupying myself, then of course I'm going to go insane. Especially if it's in my nature to be active, full of life and always needing more of whatever it is that could come my way.
It's a part of life. Doing things and being as we want. It's normal. Every person on this planet does it. Day-in day-out, people live their lives, make choices, aim for goals, achieve miracles, fight illness and nourish relationships, all to live and be happy.
During the week I was almost afraid to do anything. It was like it would all be wrong or maybe it was too soon. But if I'm otherwise going round the bend, then it's time to start being in this world again. I don't mean booking the next ticket to Canada (no matter how much I'd love to) but it could be by doing the simplest little thing, like taking a short walk or starting a language course. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. The point is, that if I don't start branching out to slowly start going about life again, then I think I might slip into a depression. This is not what Diann said, but this is just how I've been feeling. Because what healthy person wouldn't go insane by sitting indoors all day long? It's not that strange really..
I don't have to feel abnormal for wanting more, at this moment in time. I don't have to feel alien for doing things that other people don't do (that's what the meditating made me feel like). Again it all comes down to just being as I want to be and forgetting about being judged by myself. I don't have to think about what others think of me, do I? Why would I? Because it really doesn't effect me. It doesn't hurt my core because that's indestructible. Just everybody's core is. A place inside that can never be harmed by anything or anybody. It's reliable to stay intact whatever challenges life throws at us, no matter how big or how small. It will always be there and needs some attention from time to time, it needs to be nourished as well as loved and there's nobody else on this planet that can do that, but yourself. Because nobody else knows how precious it is, what it's capable of and how it feels to be in touch with that person..that core inside of you. That's the shiny diamond that we all have and that we can all choose to see in ourselves and in others too. It the root of everything and contains the solution to every problem we might come across.
Calm versus Chaos 1
Yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to get on the next flight out of Ireland. I felt fine, I felt like I was "fixed" and was so ready and so willing to leave and to have my own space and to not need to talk to Diann and to not think about food and my thoughts. I'd had a really good sleep, for the first time that week. So I was energized again which probably made me feel the way I did.
On Sunday, after I had forced myself to stop driving myself insane with all the thoughts in my head, I went downtown and for some reason or another all I wanted to do was look for outdoor clothing, for rucksacks and lonely planet guides. Every shop I went into, that's what I was drawn to. I felt as if I was shopping and preparing myself for an adventure I was going on. I didn't know why it was happening, but it was strange, because I'm not going anywhere, not just yet anyhow. Unfortunately.
That must have been the reason why I woke up yesterday morning and didn't want to go to Diann. I wanted to leave. The thoughts of going to Wexford just made me feel drained, instantly and I don't know why. So I sat there yesterday morning and told Diann that I felt ready to leave. But of course I'm not and that's just a thought that came up, as it does on regular basis. I somehow always manage so quickly to rationalize it and see that really it isn't time to leave. That leaves me angry then, because I want to get out of here.
Isn't that the same thing, over and over again? Isn't that the thing that's been getting me down the most? If I'm eating and putting on weight and not stressing about that, then I'll find something to start stressing about. Which always seems to be the same thing which is not wanting to be here, which is somewhere I don't feel fine.
I was telling Diann about my week, and how well and focused I was for the first few days and then something happened, but I didn't know what exactly it was that made me feel awful again about eating, about being me, about not doing anything, about sitting down, about the fat I'm creating around my stomach. Everything started to feel bad again. I was so fucused though, at the start of the week and I know that's because I was meditating everyday (most people think I'm crazy and stupid for doing this, but I can't really care about what others think..) I was feeling good about it all. Diann said that when you start to get focused by being silent, calm and at ease but energized at the same time (which is what you can feel if you meditate), your mind starts to work overtime because it isn't used to being made to be quiet. The mind is used to thinking all the time, non-stop. It has a mind of it's own and does as it pleases, thinks as it pleases and convinces you as it pleases. But if you're able to start controlling the thoughts, even if it's only for 15 or 20 minutes a day, your mind will miss out on those thoughts, loose control for a short while and therefore start craving thoughts. Thats probably the main reason why I was overcome with these bad thoughts. It's like when your body is used to getting a certain something but suddenly it's being deprived of this certain something, you'll only want it even more... like giving up an addiction. When you can't have something your body wants it will crave this missing thing, like cigarettes or alcohol or chocolate.
So overthinking, after I've started to find a peace of mind and a calm state of being, is only the ego trying to survive. The ego being the way we project ourselves to the world. The ego being our selfesteem. The ego being how we identify ourselves. The ego being expressed through what we do to keep us busy and alive. The ego being the part of the mind that's connected with the external world and experiences life as we know it: the reality. So it's surviving by doing what it usually does best..being active, working, percieving, thinking, interacting. It needs certain things to be kept occupied.
Anyhow, on Saturday and Sunday I was driving myself insane and couldn't find anything to keep myself busy myself, only the inside of my head and my awful thoughts. After Diann explaining it, I could see why, but when it was happening I didn't know where all these bad thoughts were coming from. Thinking I was alien or an outsider, thinking I was being monitored all the time, thinking I was trapped, thinking, thinking, thinking..I didn't know why I was thinking them and I didn't want to be thinking them, but I simply couldn't stop. Diann said, when I was telling her about the sore throat and how I struggled with food over the weekend, that not only was I "craving thoughts" and was the "ego trying to survive" but I was probably fighting off a virus as well, which would have taken up more calories than I would have been eating and therefore led to negative thoughts. She herself, had the same thing during the week. She had a temperature and found herself fighting with negative thoughts that were coming up, as a result.
Diann said that the thoughts will settle, if I continue to feel calm and focused. I won't be blocking anything and my "juices" will flow as they are meant to. And when I feel myself getting muddled again, I can easily tell myself what the reason is because I now know the reason so I'll just let them be. I can let them take their course. I can ignore them and feel at ease because I have the answer as the why it's happening. There are also some sutra's to do, that will calm my mind again, keep me focused and keep me feeling fine about doing the things I want and like to do in life without being being scared to be controlled by Anna or being scared to do things for the wrong reason. Because I'll be doing whatever it is I want to do, without guilt and I've realized that guilt only tries to stop me from taking the last few steps. It stops me from seeing what's important. It convinces me I'm doing wrong by feeling and doing good. Using sutra's (a kind of mantra that calms the mind)will only show me that I'm strong enough to keep up the good that I'm doing which will, in turn, reassure me that I'm being as I'm supposed to be. So that's what I'll try to do. At this point I'll do anything to stop going insane..
On Sunday, after I had forced myself to stop driving myself insane with all the thoughts in my head, I went downtown and for some reason or another all I wanted to do was look for outdoor clothing, for rucksacks and lonely planet guides. Every shop I went into, that's what I was drawn to. I felt as if I was shopping and preparing myself for an adventure I was going on. I didn't know why it was happening, but it was strange, because I'm not going anywhere, not just yet anyhow. Unfortunately.
That must have been the reason why I woke up yesterday morning and didn't want to go to Diann. I wanted to leave. The thoughts of going to Wexford just made me feel drained, instantly and I don't know why. So I sat there yesterday morning and told Diann that I felt ready to leave. But of course I'm not and that's just a thought that came up, as it does on regular basis. I somehow always manage so quickly to rationalize it and see that really it isn't time to leave. That leaves me angry then, because I want to get out of here.
Isn't that the same thing, over and over again? Isn't that the thing that's been getting me down the most? If I'm eating and putting on weight and not stressing about that, then I'll find something to start stressing about. Which always seems to be the same thing which is not wanting to be here, which is somewhere I don't feel fine.
I was telling Diann about my week, and how well and focused I was for the first few days and then something happened, but I didn't know what exactly it was that made me feel awful again about eating, about being me, about not doing anything, about sitting down, about the fat I'm creating around my stomach. Everything started to feel bad again. I was so fucused though, at the start of the week and I know that's because I was meditating everyday (most people think I'm crazy and stupid for doing this, but I can't really care about what others think..) I was feeling good about it all. Diann said that when you start to get focused by being silent, calm and at ease but energized at the same time (which is what you can feel if you meditate), your mind starts to work overtime because it isn't used to being made to be quiet. The mind is used to thinking all the time, non-stop. It has a mind of it's own and does as it pleases, thinks as it pleases and convinces you as it pleases. But if you're able to start controlling the thoughts, even if it's only for 15 or 20 minutes a day, your mind will miss out on those thoughts, loose control for a short while and therefore start craving thoughts. Thats probably the main reason why I was overcome with these bad thoughts. It's like when your body is used to getting a certain something but suddenly it's being deprived of this certain something, you'll only want it even more... like giving up an addiction. When you can't have something your body wants it will crave this missing thing, like cigarettes or alcohol or chocolate.
So overthinking, after I've started to find a peace of mind and a calm state of being, is only the ego trying to survive. The ego being the way we project ourselves to the world. The ego being our selfesteem. The ego being how we identify ourselves. The ego being expressed through what we do to keep us busy and alive. The ego being the part of the mind that's connected with the external world and experiences life as we know it: the reality. So it's surviving by doing what it usually does best..being active, working, percieving, thinking, interacting. It needs certain things to be kept occupied.
Anyhow, on Saturday and Sunday I was driving myself insane and couldn't find anything to keep myself busy myself, only the inside of my head and my awful thoughts. After Diann explaining it, I could see why, but when it was happening I didn't know where all these bad thoughts were coming from. Thinking I was alien or an outsider, thinking I was being monitored all the time, thinking I was trapped, thinking, thinking, thinking..I didn't know why I was thinking them and I didn't want to be thinking them, but I simply couldn't stop. Diann said, when I was telling her about the sore throat and how I struggled with food over the weekend, that not only was I "craving thoughts" and was the "ego trying to survive" but I was probably fighting off a virus as well, which would have taken up more calories than I would have been eating and therefore led to negative thoughts. She herself, had the same thing during the week. She had a temperature and found herself fighting with negative thoughts that were coming up, as a result.
Diann said that the thoughts will settle, if I continue to feel calm and focused. I won't be blocking anything and my "juices" will flow as they are meant to. And when I feel myself getting muddled again, I can easily tell myself what the reason is because I now know the reason so I'll just let them be. I can let them take their course. I can ignore them and feel at ease because I have the answer as the why it's happening. There are also some sutra's to do, that will calm my mind again, keep me focused and keep me feeling fine about doing the things I want and like to do in life without being being scared to be controlled by Anna or being scared to do things for the wrong reason. Because I'll be doing whatever it is I want to do, without guilt and I've realized that guilt only tries to stop me from taking the last few steps. It stops me from seeing what's important. It convinces me I'm doing wrong by feeling and doing good. Using sutra's (a kind of mantra that calms the mind)will only show me that I'm strong enough to keep up the good that I'm doing which will, in turn, reassure me that I'm being as I'm supposed to be. So that's what I'll try to do. At this point I'll do anything to stop going insane..
Monday, January 12, 2009
Another dream
I had a dream a week or 2 ago. I don't know exactly where I was but I was walking along the street, on the pavement. There were people around... a little girl with her mother, 2 teenage girls both wearing the same jacket and a few others. As I was walking, suddenly out of nowhere, a car came along and ran me over. I flew into the air, did a few summer-salts and landed on the ground. I wasn't knocked-out or anything so I got up and kept on walking. But in the dream I couldn't forget about the crash. I relived it again but it felt so real and I didn't realize that it was my mind playing tricks on me until the whole scene turned out to be the exact same as the first crash: the little girl with her mother and the 2 teenage girls both wearing the same jacket and then the car, the crash and me flying up into air and doing summer-salts again and landing on the ground. It was the exact same crash except it was all a slower pace. I got up again and continued walking. But, again, I couldn't continue living (in my dream) because I was reliving the car crash again.. The exact same scenario happened, but this time it was even slower.
That's how the dream continued... the car crash kept on happening over and over again and everytime it happened, it got slower and more painful. Eventually when the pain got too excruciating, while I was doing the world's slower summer-salt ever, I had to break the cycle. I had to stop reliving it. So I tried to scream but there was no sound, not until I gathered all my strength and managed to get out a small roar, in real life, which also woke me up.
The next day and the next and the next, it played on my mind. I knew what it meant because that same night, before going to sleep and dreaming of the car crash, I had come to the conclusion that if I still have all my "ties" back in Holland, I'll never properly be able to move on. I had probably made the decision to break away from everything, before I had that dream. I could see where I was and I could feel the effect my "ties" in Holland have on me. They are forcing me to not move on and get my life back on track.
As I lay in bed, I was thinking about how it would be or how I would feel, if I were to do something, it could be the smallest thing like go to a yoga class. I knew that I wouldn't properly enjoy it and therefore not get the benefits from it, because I'd be feeling guilty for still having my job back in Holland waiting for me. I'd be feeling energized and active, which surely would mean I'd be able to work, but I'd still be here and I'd be dishonest and lying to them about how I'm doing. If I'm able to do sports, then shouldn't I be working? It probably isn't the case at the moment. I could do yoga, but my head still isn't right to be able to work and deal with stress. But that's besides the point I'm trying to make. Doing a yoga class, is just a small example of doing something that I would benefit from and would help me to feel better about life which would instantly make me feel bad.. mainly towards work for not being there and doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
The dream just confirmed, that I can't properly move on and feel positive about doing so, if I haven't broken away from everything I have back in Holland. I was talking to Diann about it last week and it's all pretty obvious. If I don't make a decision and break away from work then the last steps I need to take could turn out to be the hardest. Because it's holding me back. Diann said weeks ago that by having my ties in Holland, half of my energy is still there and I know she's right.
So I know what I have to do, to get what it is I want. I don't want to relive my pain from the past and I don't want to feel like I'm being dishonest towards work either. I need to be able to focus on new things in my life. If that means telling work that I won't be coming back, then so be it. It's a big step and sometimes it freaks me out because I might start to feel trapped if I don't have a "back-up life" waiting for me that I can escape to if I want or maybe even runaway to when the going gets tough (not that I would ever actually do that.. but it was just like a safety net). Not having any ties, will only give me more of a boost to get out there again and travel and do what I want. That should only be a good thing, right? Yes, I think so.
Maybe I was reading too much into this dream. But a car in a dream supposedly says something about your journey through life. And to have a crash indicates that the journey has been disrupted or thrown off-course in some way or another. To relive the crash over and over and for it to get more painful each time, tells me that there's never any peace going to be made with the disruption (the past 6 months). It isn't being let go. It isn't being put to rest. So whether it's me just reading too much into this dream or if it really was the confirmation I needed to make a choice, doesn't really matter. Because I choose to see it as the latter; the confirmation I needed.. The idea is still settling and I'm still trying to get used to it, before I take any actual action. I'm not too sure when though..but that's something that will also come to me so I'm not going to stress.
That's how the dream continued... the car crash kept on happening over and over again and everytime it happened, it got slower and more painful. Eventually when the pain got too excruciating, while I was doing the world's slower summer-salt ever, I had to break the cycle. I had to stop reliving it. So I tried to scream but there was no sound, not until I gathered all my strength and managed to get out a small roar, in real life, which also woke me up.
The next day and the next and the next, it played on my mind. I knew what it meant because that same night, before going to sleep and dreaming of the car crash, I had come to the conclusion that if I still have all my "ties" back in Holland, I'll never properly be able to move on. I had probably made the decision to break away from everything, before I had that dream. I could see where I was and I could feel the effect my "ties" in Holland have on me. They are forcing me to not move on and get my life back on track.
As I lay in bed, I was thinking about how it would be or how I would feel, if I were to do something, it could be the smallest thing like go to a yoga class. I knew that I wouldn't properly enjoy it and therefore not get the benefits from it, because I'd be feeling guilty for still having my job back in Holland waiting for me. I'd be feeling energized and active, which surely would mean I'd be able to work, but I'd still be here and I'd be dishonest and lying to them about how I'm doing. If I'm able to do sports, then shouldn't I be working? It probably isn't the case at the moment. I could do yoga, but my head still isn't right to be able to work and deal with stress. But that's besides the point I'm trying to make. Doing a yoga class, is just a small example of doing something that I would benefit from and would help me to feel better about life which would instantly make me feel bad.. mainly towards work for not being there and doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
The dream just confirmed, that I can't properly move on and feel positive about doing so, if I haven't broken away from everything I have back in Holland. I was talking to Diann about it last week and it's all pretty obvious. If I don't make a decision and break away from work then the last steps I need to take could turn out to be the hardest. Because it's holding me back. Diann said weeks ago that by having my ties in Holland, half of my energy is still there and I know she's right.
So I know what I have to do, to get what it is I want. I don't want to relive my pain from the past and I don't want to feel like I'm being dishonest towards work either. I need to be able to focus on new things in my life. If that means telling work that I won't be coming back, then so be it. It's a big step and sometimes it freaks me out because I might start to feel trapped if I don't have a "back-up life" waiting for me that I can escape to if I want or maybe even runaway to when the going gets tough (not that I would ever actually do that.. but it was just like a safety net). Not having any ties, will only give me more of a boost to get out there again and travel and do what I want. That should only be a good thing, right? Yes, I think so.
Maybe I was reading too much into this dream. But a car in a dream supposedly says something about your journey through life. And to have a crash indicates that the journey has been disrupted or thrown off-course in some way or another. To relive the crash over and over and for it to get more painful each time, tells me that there's never any peace going to be made with the disruption (the past 6 months). It isn't being let go. It isn't being put to rest. So whether it's me just reading too much into this dream or if it really was the confirmation I needed to make a choice, doesn't really matter. Because I choose to see it as the latter; the confirmation I needed.. The idea is still settling and I'm still trying to get used to it, before I take any actual action. I'm not too sure when though..but that's something that will also come to me so I'm not going to stress.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Natural state
Development of something, but no recognition of what
A little thing as it started, has suddenly become a lot
Is it far-fetched and exaggerated without reason
Or is it proof of a feeling changing it's season
Has it a meaning of something precious inside
A secret within that had chosen to hide
Is it confusion or doubt without relevance
And proof of all except the incompetence
The ringing silence heard is the only sound
That might prove that there's so much more around
It's forever to be called upon as it buzzes so near
Externals aren't what's causing someone to hear
It's growing and growing and developing all the while
And it's presence will manifest in free free style
Where did it come from and is it all real life
The wild side of the essence as sharp as a knife
Is that what it is; the core becoming what it should
The natural substance bringing everything it could
Ringing of the ears that will answer all upstairs
And not to ignore the outcome but always the stares
To be different but the same and not to hesitate
It's what was meant to be and and suddenly it's fate
To choose a direction or to follow the normality
Or perhaps to embrace and make dreams a reality
To grow, to learn, to develop and to reach
And to practise it all but never to preach
Being natural and independent as life will evolve
Is where truth is known and problems will be solved
To fight it or to flee causing dishonesty lacking trust
Eventually feeling pressure to spontaneously combust
What is the point of fitting-in if that's where it will lead
Isn't each person is different with an unfulfilled need
Fight or flight isn't an option as it once had been
Instead to face facts and uncover what was unseen
Daring to, willing to and needing to more than ever
Will give some individual their first earned feather
A feather to fly once the facts have been faced
Giving a life beyond boundaries as the adventure awaits...
A little thing as it started, has suddenly become a lot
Is it far-fetched and exaggerated without reason
Or is it proof of a feeling changing it's season
Has it a meaning of something precious inside
A secret within that had chosen to hide
Is it confusion or doubt without relevance
And proof of all except the incompetence
The ringing silence heard is the only sound
That might prove that there's so much more around
It's forever to be called upon as it buzzes so near
Externals aren't what's causing someone to hear
It's growing and growing and developing all the while
And it's presence will manifest in free free style
Where did it come from and is it all real life
The wild side of the essence as sharp as a knife
Is that what it is; the core becoming what it should
The natural substance bringing everything it could
Ringing of the ears that will answer all upstairs
And not to ignore the outcome but always the stares
To be different but the same and not to hesitate
It's what was meant to be and and suddenly it's fate
To choose a direction or to follow the normality
Or perhaps to embrace and make dreams a reality
To grow, to learn, to develop and to reach
And to practise it all but never to preach
Being natural and independent as life will evolve
Is where truth is known and problems will be solved
To fight it or to flee causing dishonesty lacking trust
Eventually feeling pressure to spontaneously combust
What is the point of fitting-in if that's where it will lead
Isn't each person is different with an unfulfilled need
Fight or flight isn't an option as it once had been
Instead to face facts and uncover what was unseen
Daring to, willing to and needing to more than ever
Will give some individual their first earned feather
A feather to fly once the facts have been faced
Giving a life beyond boundaries as the adventure awaits...
Thinking again
Sunday morning. I wasn't doing too great yesterday morning, but I managed to get out of my own head. I had to because I was driving myself insane. I stayed away from my thoughts for the rest of the day. I got through and now I'm back in there, again.. Don't I have anything better to do with my time?? No..
It's place I don't want to be. It's a place that scares me. A place where things are happening, both consciously and subconsciously and I'm going mad. Have I always been like this but have never realized or have I just always had enough distraction from the things around me to be able to stay away from my thoughts? But my thoughts are my own, so why would I want to block them out? They come from somewhere. Something along the line, triggered them, they had a starting point. But they never have an end. Not unless I stop them.
I can think of any little thing I want and imagine things to happen or see things that aren't there. I can come up with different situations or try to think for other people. I can try answer my own questions. I can make myself feel up or I can make myself feel down. I can choose to see the walls coming in around me or I choose to look beyond the walls and see this house as only somewhere I can call home, but not as something that's holding me back and making me feel trapped, monitored and no longer apart of normality.
My own thoughts, I can steer them towards the light or towards the darkness. I can either see the good or the bad. But can I decide not to see either of these? Just as they are, neither good or bad? Because who determines if my thoughts are bad or good? There's nobody that knows what I'm thinking that can tell me, Niamh this is bad or Niamh this is good. If I choose to stand back and see who is actually thinking these thoughts then I can be the silent witness and look at myself and what I'm bringing upon myself. I can witness myself making myself feel bad or good. I can blame the things around me, the people, the situation, the environment, the society.. I can blame it all on these factors, but I'm the one who's creating them.
The thoughts and influences are just how I perceive everything around me at the given moment. It can all change and my thoughts are, as everybody elses, as unpredictable as the weather. The sun can be shining one minute and it could be blowing a gale of wind, the next. But if the sun is shining, it doesn't necessarily mean that all is good. It's just an opinion. It isn't a fact that a shining sun is a sign of happiness and clarity. That only what it's become known for. Some people might prefer the rain. It might bring up things that they treasure and that are precious to them. But this isn't classed as "normal" as the rain has come to represent the feelings depression or maybe loneliness.
But what if I were to say that the rain makes me feel happy? Wouldn't everyone just laugh? Wouldn't I be classed as a depressed or tortured soul? Why is that? Why can't people just be, feel and do as they wish without being judged? Why can't people just let themselves feel happy when it's raining and sad if the sun is shining? If that's what they want, then isn't that okay? If it's what makes them feel comfortable, then who is to say it's wrong? Or, for the matter, why would somebody let the season as well as their environment rule their state of mind?
If I can control my own thoughts, regardless of where I am and what I'm doing or not doing, then can't I also control my state of mind. Because I have the power to turn my mood around. I've always been able to be positive and look on the bright side of life.. When I was at my all-time low, I tried so hard to pick myself up when I was feeling down but I couldn't and I wondered why on earth I wasn't able to succeed in looking at life positively. I was lifeless, ill and even possessed by a demon. But now I can pick myself up when I'm feeling down. I can turn my thoughts around. I can choose to let my environment have the impact it has on me. The ball is in my court, or the thoughts are in my head. I'm the only own who chooses what direction my they take and if I let them rule me or not. The ball is my thinking and the court is my core.
I can ask myself why I'm thinking these awful things. But I never ask myself why I'm thinking good things? Why is that? Just focusing on the bad thoughts, whenever they arise and looking for a reason even when there isn't one which only leads to frustration and dark thoughts.
I should be able to control my thinking, but I don't always want to. It's not always easy and sometimes I can't see that I'm bringing it all on myself. Maybe I need to distract myself more. But I don't know if that means I'm ignoring certain problems and pretending all is well in my world when really it's not or if I'm doing good and using my energy properly.. But who is going to say if I'm doing good or bad, right or wrong. Nobody, Because I don't talk, I don't let anybody in. It's only a voice in my head, as second voice (how many voices can a person have in their heads at the same time..??no wonder I drive myself insane..) telling me if it's right or wrong. But it's just a voice, it's not me. The real me, isn't the thinking influenced by externals. I know that all too well. I do, but still... I don't know if I can stop them or if I can do any good with them. I just don't know anymore.
It's place I don't want to be. It's a place that scares me. A place where things are happening, both consciously and subconsciously and I'm going mad. Have I always been like this but have never realized or have I just always had enough distraction from the things around me to be able to stay away from my thoughts? But my thoughts are my own, so why would I want to block them out? They come from somewhere. Something along the line, triggered them, they had a starting point. But they never have an end. Not unless I stop them.
I can think of any little thing I want and imagine things to happen or see things that aren't there. I can come up with different situations or try to think for other people. I can try answer my own questions. I can make myself feel up or I can make myself feel down. I can choose to see the walls coming in around me or I choose to look beyond the walls and see this house as only somewhere I can call home, but not as something that's holding me back and making me feel trapped, monitored and no longer apart of normality.
My own thoughts, I can steer them towards the light or towards the darkness. I can either see the good or the bad. But can I decide not to see either of these? Just as they are, neither good or bad? Because who determines if my thoughts are bad or good? There's nobody that knows what I'm thinking that can tell me, Niamh this is bad or Niamh this is good. If I choose to stand back and see who is actually thinking these thoughts then I can be the silent witness and look at myself and what I'm bringing upon myself. I can witness myself making myself feel bad or good. I can blame the things around me, the people, the situation, the environment, the society.. I can blame it all on these factors, but I'm the one who's creating them.
The thoughts and influences are just how I perceive everything around me at the given moment. It can all change and my thoughts are, as everybody elses, as unpredictable as the weather. The sun can be shining one minute and it could be blowing a gale of wind, the next. But if the sun is shining, it doesn't necessarily mean that all is good. It's just an opinion. It isn't a fact that a shining sun is a sign of happiness and clarity. That only what it's become known for. Some people might prefer the rain. It might bring up things that they treasure and that are precious to them. But this isn't classed as "normal" as the rain has come to represent the feelings depression or maybe loneliness.
But what if I were to say that the rain makes me feel happy? Wouldn't everyone just laugh? Wouldn't I be classed as a depressed or tortured soul? Why is that? Why can't people just be, feel and do as they wish without being judged? Why can't people just let themselves feel happy when it's raining and sad if the sun is shining? If that's what they want, then isn't that okay? If it's what makes them feel comfortable, then who is to say it's wrong? Or, for the matter, why would somebody let the season as well as their environment rule their state of mind?
If I can control my own thoughts, regardless of where I am and what I'm doing or not doing, then can't I also control my state of mind. Because I have the power to turn my mood around. I've always been able to be positive and look on the bright side of life.. When I was at my all-time low, I tried so hard to pick myself up when I was feeling down but I couldn't and I wondered why on earth I wasn't able to succeed in looking at life positively. I was lifeless, ill and even possessed by a demon. But now I can pick myself up when I'm feeling down. I can turn my thoughts around. I can choose to let my environment have the impact it has on me. The ball is in my court, or the thoughts are in my head. I'm the only own who chooses what direction my they take and if I let them rule me or not. The ball is my thinking and the court is my core.
I can ask myself why I'm thinking these awful things. But I never ask myself why I'm thinking good things? Why is that? Just focusing on the bad thoughts, whenever they arise and looking for a reason even when there isn't one which only leads to frustration and dark thoughts.
I should be able to control my thinking, but I don't always want to. It's not always easy and sometimes I can't see that I'm bringing it all on myself. Maybe I need to distract myself more. But I don't know if that means I'm ignoring certain problems and pretending all is well in my world when really it's not or if I'm doing good and using my energy properly.. But who is going to say if I'm doing good or bad, right or wrong. Nobody, Because I don't talk, I don't let anybody in. It's only a voice in my head, as second voice (how many voices can a person have in their heads at the same time..??no wonder I drive myself insane..) telling me if it's right or wrong. But it's just a voice, it's not me. The real me, isn't the thinking influenced by externals. I know that all too well. I do, but still... I don't know if I can stop them or if I can do any good with them. I just don't know anymore.
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