The need for inspiration
The desire for occurrence
The hope for adventure
The longing is the reassurance
The patience that is tested
The waiting becomes a game
The body clock has adapted
The dreaming stays the same
The questions are revealing
The answers are always there
The problems having solutions
The determination is the dare
The gratitude for existence
The fear of the unfolding
The excitement while discovering
The expanding never withholding
The power of expressing
The energy whilst growing
The revelations indescribable
The craving always flowing...
* * * * * * * * * *
To hear the voice, to listen for the silence
To see the damage, to look for the cure
To touch the surface, to feel for the pain
To sense that scent of something fresh, new, sweet and pure.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday evening 14-11-08
The past few days I've been eating intuitively. That word "intuitively" seems to be going round and round in my mind all day long..the same thing, over and over again. I'm sick to death of it, but that's just how I have to eat. I have no other word to use, other than "acting on the hunger" and that's a bit of mouthful, not literally, but just a figure of speech.
Last night, for the first time in months, I gave in to the voice in my head that was telling me not have a piece of garlic bread. I would always go to my ears on garlic bread, whenever I would be in restaurant for dinner or at home having it with lasagne. It would be my all time favorite. But I stopped eating it months ago, because once I start I can't stopped. I didn't ever want to give in to enjoying the mixture of soft white bread, warm on the inside and slightly brown on the top, with melted butter and garlic herbs...huummm. I had my dinner last night, noodles with chicken and vegetables. Afterwards there was some garlic bread left that Mam and Sean didn't finish, who had lasangne for dinner. So I ate it. I stayed strong for all of 10 minutes. Once I felt that I was restricting myself, I knew I had to have it. So I had the last 2 little pieces.. That was all that was left. I was clearing up after the dinner and eating it at the same time..this to me is a sure sign of a pig in the making..walking around, stuffing myself even when I'm not hungry and knowing that once I had finished those 2 pieces of garlic bread that I would be dieing for more. And I was of course. But it was gone. Giving into a craving that is so delicious, would only make me want more. I felt awful afterwards, I was close to tears and hated myself for having it. I felt so stuffed, absolutely disgusting. I couldn't hardly move afterwards..I was that full. I instantly said to myself, I'm not eating until tomorrow now. But once I had said that to myself, I was restricting again, so I knew I had to have it and not give Anna any strength. I had a biscuit within a half an hour of eating the bread..overeating like there's no tomorrow which again made me feel even worse than I already was. I had my drink aswell at half 9. In the end, I didn't restrict no matter much I wanted to.
This morning when I woke up, I had forgotten about the 2 slices of garlic bread. It was a new day, so I had start a fresh.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I've been missing a supplement drink each morning. Instead of the drink I would have a bowl of yogurt with half an apple, some watermelon and dried fruit. It's absolutely delicious.. I've been enjoying it so much. I thought that I would be overdoing it on the yogurt, seeing as though I have yogurt for breakfast as well, so for those 3 days I've had muesli with soya milk instead of yogurt for breakfast, just trying my best to keep the balance and to stop myself from feeling anxious about eating the right and the wrong things. It was wrecking my head. That's how my intuitively eating has been going. I've been constantly thinking about what else I could have instead.. But I haven't really wanted anything and I sometimes am sick of thinking and worrying about what I'm eating and if I'm getting enough calories to keep on putting on weight and to keep the recovery going steady.
I was feeling strong the past 3 days. Feeling good about what I've been eating, except for the garlic bread.. Today I wanted to give myself a break, so I've just had my normal food-plan which feels safe because I'm eating as much as I should and not experimenting. My only worry with the intuitively eating, is that for me to eat when I'm hungry means that I'm not eating as much as I would do on days that I eat according to my food-plan. If I feel satisfied, then isn't that ok? If I'm not hungry anymore and I haven't been restricting, then surely I'm doing ok.. It's so hard to know sometimes.
At night I've been feeling sickly at times, fragile and yuck. I don't know why.. But I don't start to feel it, until I sit down.. but that's always the way, when you keep on going and doing things, you never really stop to see how you're feeling.. So it probably isn't all that strange. I'm sick of food for now and sick of analyzing.. fuzzy and tired..the sofa is calling my name...
Last night, for the first time in months, I gave in to the voice in my head that was telling me not have a piece of garlic bread. I would always go to my ears on garlic bread, whenever I would be in restaurant for dinner or at home having it with lasagne. It would be my all time favorite. But I stopped eating it months ago, because once I start I can't stopped. I didn't ever want to give in to enjoying the mixture of soft white bread, warm on the inside and slightly brown on the top, with melted butter and garlic herbs...huummm. I had my dinner last night, noodles with chicken and vegetables. Afterwards there was some garlic bread left that Mam and Sean didn't finish, who had lasangne for dinner. So I ate it. I stayed strong for all of 10 minutes. Once I felt that I was restricting myself, I knew I had to have it. So I had the last 2 little pieces.. That was all that was left. I was clearing up after the dinner and eating it at the same time..this to me is a sure sign of a pig in the making..walking around, stuffing myself even when I'm not hungry and knowing that once I had finished those 2 pieces of garlic bread that I would be dieing for more. And I was of course. But it was gone. Giving into a craving that is so delicious, would only make me want more. I felt awful afterwards, I was close to tears and hated myself for having it. I felt so stuffed, absolutely disgusting. I couldn't hardly move afterwards..I was that full. I instantly said to myself, I'm not eating until tomorrow now. But once I had said that to myself, I was restricting again, so I knew I had to have it and not give Anna any strength. I had a biscuit within a half an hour of eating the bread..overeating like there's no tomorrow which again made me feel even worse than I already was. I had my drink aswell at half 9. In the end, I didn't restrict no matter much I wanted to.
This morning when I woke up, I had forgotten about the 2 slices of garlic bread. It was a new day, so I had start a fresh.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I've been missing a supplement drink each morning. Instead of the drink I would have a bowl of yogurt with half an apple, some watermelon and dried fruit. It's absolutely delicious.. I've been enjoying it so much. I thought that I would be overdoing it on the yogurt, seeing as though I have yogurt for breakfast as well, so for those 3 days I've had muesli with soya milk instead of yogurt for breakfast, just trying my best to keep the balance and to stop myself from feeling anxious about eating the right and the wrong things. It was wrecking my head. That's how my intuitively eating has been going. I've been constantly thinking about what else I could have instead.. But I haven't really wanted anything and I sometimes am sick of thinking and worrying about what I'm eating and if I'm getting enough calories to keep on putting on weight and to keep the recovery going steady.
I was feeling strong the past 3 days. Feeling good about what I've been eating, except for the garlic bread.. Today I wanted to give myself a break, so I've just had my normal food-plan which feels safe because I'm eating as much as I should and not experimenting. My only worry with the intuitively eating, is that for me to eat when I'm hungry means that I'm not eating as much as I would do on days that I eat according to my food-plan. If I feel satisfied, then isn't that ok? If I'm not hungry anymore and I haven't been restricting, then surely I'm doing ok.. It's so hard to know sometimes.
At night I've been feeling sickly at times, fragile and yuck. I don't know why.. But I don't start to feel it, until I sit down.. but that's always the way, when you keep on going and doing things, you never really stop to see how you're feeling.. So it probably isn't all that strange. I'm sick of food for now and sick of analyzing.. fuzzy and tired..the sofa is calling my name...
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thinking too much
Thursday afternoon, still with Mr. Acupuncturist on my mind, I slightly over did it. He told me to start pushing to the boundaries. I think I did. I wanted to go to bed, but instead I went down town with Mam. Basically because it was one of few chances I have to get out the house. I knew that it would be too much, but I didn't care.
We were out for a couple of hours. When we were back home, I made dinner, and then went on the computer. I had be going for hours and hours, without taking a breather. I went to bed, for a lie-down and listened to some music, and I was so tired and so emotional. I don't know what came over me. As I listened to the music I could feel so much being released. I haven't cried like that for a week or 2. I didn't want to stop and I felt heart-broken again, like I did after I wrote the good-bye letter to Anna. Time heals a broken heart, is what they say.. And time will make my longing for Anna less and longing for Fay more.
It can be so much at times. I would be thinking about daily things, nothing in particular and that would keep me occupied for hours and I'd forget about all my worries and suddenly everything would come rushing back to me and I'd instantly feel like a loser for not having thought about Anna for so many hours. My mind then becomes jumbled because I suddenly realize that there's still so much I need to do. I shouldn't do this to myself, I'm know full well, but I sometimes can feel like I haven't suffered enough. Whenever this kicks in, the whole cycle of not deserving to be happy and feeling fine, gets stronger too, followed by "there's nothing wrong anymore, I'm fine and I have to go work".. That's Anna still gripping to me, by the skin of her teeth she's trying to hold on. The more I ignore her and shake her off, the better everything will get.
Mr. Acupuncturist did say something that I should take on-board. He said I should see Anna as my friend. Whenever anybody asks me how I'm doing.. I should be able to say.. "Me and Anna are doing fine".. It's all about taking more credit for what I've been through, well according to him anyhow.. Not until this is over, I shouldn't separate myself from Anna, not if it stops me from being proud of how far I've come and how good I'm feeling. Maybe I shouldn't only be proud of how far I've come, but also proud that it happened in the first place. Isn't pride the opposite to shame.. not too sure about that.. but I'm not ashamed of Anna, so therefore maybe I could be proud.. I don't know if that's wise, it might just make her stronger, and not in a good way. I don't know. I'm over-analyzing as usual.
Right now, I'm just sick of it all and I hate them both.
We were out for a couple of hours. When we were back home, I made dinner, and then went on the computer. I had be going for hours and hours, without taking a breather. I went to bed, for a lie-down and listened to some music, and I was so tired and so emotional. I don't know what came over me. As I listened to the music I could feel so much being released. I haven't cried like that for a week or 2. I didn't want to stop and I felt heart-broken again, like I did after I wrote the good-bye letter to Anna. Time heals a broken heart, is what they say.. And time will make my longing for Anna less and longing for Fay more.
It can be so much at times. I would be thinking about daily things, nothing in particular and that would keep me occupied for hours and I'd forget about all my worries and suddenly everything would come rushing back to me and I'd instantly feel like a loser for not having thought about Anna for so many hours. My mind then becomes jumbled because I suddenly realize that there's still so much I need to do. I shouldn't do this to myself, I'm know full well, but I sometimes can feel like I haven't suffered enough. Whenever this kicks in, the whole cycle of not deserving to be happy and feeling fine, gets stronger too, followed by "there's nothing wrong anymore, I'm fine and I have to go work".. That's Anna still gripping to me, by the skin of her teeth she's trying to hold on. The more I ignore her and shake her off, the better everything will get.
Mr. Acupuncturist did say something that I should take on-board. He said I should see Anna as my friend. Whenever anybody asks me how I'm doing.. I should be able to say.. "Me and Anna are doing fine".. It's all about taking more credit for what I've been through, well according to him anyhow.. Not until this is over, I shouldn't separate myself from Anna, not if it stops me from being proud of how far I've come and how good I'm feeling. Maybe I shouldn't only be proud of how far I've come, but also proud that it happened in the first place. Isn't pride the opposite to shame.. not too sure about that.. but I'm not ashamed of Anna, so therefore maybe I could be proud.. I don't know if that's wise, it might just make her stronger, and not in a good way. I don't know. I'm over-analyzing as usual.
Right now, I'm just sick of it all and I hate them both.
Sensitive soul
The week has been passing.. Not sure if it's been good or bad. I constantly hear myself saying: "I don't like the stage I'm at this week.." But I've been saying that to myself for months. I suppose I'll never like where I'm at, because I mostly don't know where exactly that is..
I can be chirpy and talking and laughing, with or without guilt, that's irrelevant. But that's never a certainty that all is well and good in my world.
Sometimes things can be so easy and instantly they can be so hard. Like the flick of switch. Every little thing that happens, at every moment can cause or trigger anything. Whether it's a certain mood, a certain emotion, a certain sensation.
Our bodies are such amazing things..Everything we surround ourselves by, can have a certain influence on our thoughts.. However things that happen on a daily basis don't have to influence our state of being. It's of a lower level and remains the same. But our thoughts are something that can instantly change, it's our state of being that makes us deal with certain things in a certain way.
Every sound, sight, touch and taste can cause us to feel something. It's processed and we can choose what to do with a certain interaction. We can take from it, whatever we like. Without being aware, a person could respond to the same things in the same way, each day, over and over again. It's a habit, it's normal and the mind is so powerful that it has you believing that that's how it's supposed to be. But it doesn't. If a person becomes aware that they hold the power of THEIR minds, then this person can also change how certain daily interactions effects their lives.
If I'm talking and laughing, but feeling really awful instantly when I'm alone and I've switched off to my surroundings, then does that mean that I'm focusing on just being me, which is a happy state of mind, even though I still feel sad. I choose to switch off all my senses and focus on myself and my thoughts because I'm otherwise not doing anything good for Fay or I'm not dealing with Anna. Do I thrive on feeling awful? Am I making things worse by giving in? But what if I'm tired and upset, do I have to still be chatty and positive, just because that's the person I am? But who's to say that I'm that person? Am I just trying to be that person, when really I'm not up-beat and loving every living thing? If I'm still focusing on getting through each day without pressurizing myself into recovering at high speed, then surely these thoughts, feelings and positiveness aren't all fake.. Surely they are real feelings..surely it's me..
When I start to feel low after being on a high, does everyone think I'm doing it on purpose just to prove that Anna is still in there? Is that what everybody thinks? Because that's not how it is.. I wish it was a simple as that. I never know what the right thing is. I never know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how far along I'm supposed to be. Because I don't know what's to come, I don't know what's normal when it comes to getting over anorexia. Diann said that there isn't one person that goes through the same recovery process. Everyone is different. Personalities are different and everybody's level of sensitiveness is different too, so the emotions, adjustments and behaviour will all be different aswell.
In months to come, I'll probably look back, and I'll see all the stages. I'll see that I was worried for no real reason and I'll see that that was just my way of getting through it. It's my way of recovering, pushing and pushing to come out the other end. Every little detail that comes up, every doubt, every fear, every vibe, every memory, every single thing needs to be analyzed and dealt with, just in case I overlook something and it comes back to haunt me.
I'm capable of feeling 2 things at the same time. This is something most people take for granted. For weeks and weeks I wasn't able. Everyone around me just had to deal with my moods and emotions. Now, it comes natural again. But I don't have be someone I'm not. I don't have to act grumpy just because Anna still wants to control me. I don't have to act happy, just because I'm energized. I don't have to prove how good or bad I'm doing, by acting a certain way. I should be able to speak my mind, all the time. But I can't, not yet. It's still so hard, but that doesn't mean that I should act differently to how I'm feeling.
Nothing about my feelings are fake. Not even the fact that I ignore Anna when she tells me not to laugh. Because my laugh and enjoyment isn't fake. It's how I feel at that moment. It's Anna that's telling me it's bad, but it doesn't mean it isn't real.. I am who I am, I'm sad when I'm sad, I'm happy when I'm happy. If I'm a positive state of being, then feeling sad won't ruin my spirit. As I'll still be embracing whatever life throws at me, and when the tears flow, I'm embracing the sadness and loving life and what the tears mean.. Breaking away and freeing myself..No more restrictions.
I can be chirpy and talking and laughing, with or without guilt, that's irrelevant. But that's never a certainty that all is well and good in my world.
Sometimes things can be so easy and instantly they can be so hard. Like the flick of switch. Every little thing that happens, at every moment can cause or trigger anything. Whether it's a certain mood, a certain emotion, a certain sensation.
Our bodies are such amazing things..Everything we surround ourselves by, can have a certain influence on our thoughts.. However things that happen on a daily basis don't have to influence our state of being. It's of a lower level and remains the same. But our thoughts are something that can instantly change, it's our state of being that makes us deal with certain things in a certain way.
Every sound, sight, touch and taste can cause us to feel something. It's processed and we can choose what to do with a certain interaction. We can take from it, whatever we like. Without being aware, a person could respond to the same things in the same way, each day, over and over again. It's a habit, it's normal and the mind is so powerful that it has you believing that that's how it's supposed to be. But it doesn't. If a person becomes aware that they hold the power of THEIR minds, then this person can also change how certain daily interactions effects their lives.
If I'm talking and laughing, but feeling really awful instantly when I'm alone and I've switched off to my surroundings, then does that mean that I'm focusing on just being me, which is a happy state of mind, even though I still feel sad. I choose to switch off all my senses and focus on myself and my thoughts because I'm otherwise not doing anything good for Fay or I'm not dealing with Anna. Do I thrive on feeling awful? Am I making things worse by giving in? But what if I'm tired and upset, do I have to still be chatty and positive, just because that's the person I am? But who's to say that I'm that person? Am I just trying to be that person, when really I'm not up-beat and loving every living thing? If I'm still focusing on getting through each day without pressurizing myself into recovering at high speed, then surely these thoughts, feelings and positiveness aren't all fake.. Surely they are real feelings..surely it's me..
When I start to feel low after being on a high, does everyone think I'm doing it on purpose just to prove that Anna is still in there? Is that what everybody thinks? Because that's not how it is.. I wish it was a simple as that. I never know what the right thing is. I never know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how far along I'm supposed to be. Because I don't know what's to come, I don't know what's normal when it comes to getting over anorexia. Diann said that there isn't one person that goes through the same recovery process. Everyone is different. Personalities are different and everybody's level of sensitiveness is different too, so the emotions, adjustments and behaviour will all be different aswell.
In months to come, I'll probably look back, and I'll see all the stages. I'll see that I was worried for no real reason and I'll see that that was just my way of getting through it. It's my way of recovering, pushing and pushing to come out the other end. Every little detail that comes up, every doubt, every fear, every vibe, every memory, every single thing needs to be analyzed and dealt with, just in case I overlook something and it comes back to haunt me.
I'm capable of feeling 2 things at the same time. This is something most people take for granted. For weeks and weeks I wasn't able. Everyone around me just had to deal with my moods and emotions. Now, it comes natural again. But I don't have be someone I'm not. I don't have to act grumpy just because Anna still wants to control me. I don't have to act happy, just because I'm energized. I don't have to prove how good or bad I'm doing, by acting a certain way. I should be able to speak my mind, all the time. But I can't, not yet. It's still so hard, but that doesn't mean that I should act differently to how I'm feeling.
Nothing about my feelings are fake. Not even the fact that I ignore Anna when she tells me not to laugh. Because my laugh and enjoyment isn't fake. It's how I feel at that moment. It's Anna that's telling me it's bad, but it doesn't mean it isn't real.. I am who I am, I'm sad when I'm sad, I'm happy when I'm happy. If I'm a positive state of being, then feeling sad won't ruin my spirit. As I'll still be embracing whatever life throws at me, and when the tears flow, I'm embracing the sadness and loving life and what the tears mean.. Breaking away and freeing myself..No more restrictions.
The glowing core
The eyes are the window, through which we reveal all
The eyes are the door, to enter or exit as we please
The eyes tell the tale, no matter how big or small
The eyes observe and process, with incredible ease
We see the joy or we wish that certain vision to go
The sensations and feelings are absorbed all the time
To make us feel and break in order to feel and grow
Therefore they can't be ignored so just say: "They are mine"
Seeing the world from a certain level and height
But feeling what we see, shows a different detector
The higher energy is at work as our hearts become our sight
As the world thinks our behaviour is our only projector
The sensation so present, whether it's good or bad
Suddenly the eyes aren't everything as the core is at work
The glowing of the heart, whilst feeling so sad
Shutting off all senses and still that voice is going berserk
Nothing else matters because it's just one feeling that's important
Not listening to bad thoughts or seeing an ugly reflection
The grieving inside as the rising and falling is somehow constant
Looking up and looking down meant there was always an objection
Reality of the sight and rationality of that thought
Instantly two feet are forced to be placed on the ground
Appreciating the visions as they are what was sought
Loving the strength to ignore that voice as the music drowns out her sound..
The eyes are the door, to enter or exit as we please
The eyes tell the tale, no matter how big or small
The eyes observe and process, with incredible ease
We see the joy or we wish that certain vision to go
The sensations and feelings are absorbed all the time
To make us feel and break in order to feel and grow
Therefore they can't be ignored so just say: "They are mine"
Seeing the world from a certain level and height
But feeling what we see, shows a different detector
The higher energy is at work as our hearts become our sight
As the world thinks our behaviour is our only projector
The sensation so present, whether it's good or bad
Suddenly the eyes aren't everything as the core is at work
The glowing of the heart, whilst feeling so sad
Shutting off all senses and still that voice is going berserk
Nothing else matters because it's just one feeling that's important
Not listening to bad thoughts or seeing an ugly reflection
The grieving inside as the rising and falling is somehow constant
Looking up and looking down meant there was always an objection
Reality of the sight and rationality of that thought
Instantly two feet are forced to be placed on the ground
Appreciating the visions as they are what was sought
Loving the strength to ignore that voice as the music drowns out her sound..
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Decisions required..
Browned off by everything and tired of trying to stay on top of things. That's probably how I'd describe the past few days. Fed up of everything and sick of thinking about food and about what it is I should be doing. Constantly trying to keep myself busy and feeling drained whilst doing so. Somebody tells you one thing, the next person tells you another. What is it I'm supposed to be doing? What is it I'm supposed to be feeling right now?
Am I supposed to be feeling energized, like Mr. Acupuncturist said I was? But I'm not.. The last few days it's been up and down, all over the place. I can hardly keep track of how I'm feeling. I can't keep the pace of feeling up and then down again. I don't know if I'm actually tired or if I'm just lazy. I don't know if I'm doing good by lying down whenever I feel I need it and I don't know if it's good to close myself off from the world whenever I don't want to speak to anybody. How do I know if it's really how I'm feeling? What if I've got all this energy but I'm subconsciously choosing not to use it which will only make this whole process take even longer? What happens if that's what's going on? Then I'll never get passed this..
Mr. Acupuncturist told me that when I'm feeling full of beans on the inside (like I was on Saturday), or as he put it, when I'm feeling my spiritual zing, then I have to use it and I have to push the barriers. But what do I do if I'm scared to push because I don't know what's right. It's so head-wrecking.. What if I'm feeling low and I don't want to go for a 5 minute walk around the block..? Will I be just prolonging my recovery? Will I be making things worse by not doing what he's telling me to? I know what Diann would say..she'd tell me to only do it, if I'm feeling okay with it. I know that's what Mr. Acupuncturist meant as well.. But there's only 6 days in between my acupuncture treatments, so what does he expect me to achieve in such a short amount of time? Does he expect me to come in next week and tell him I'm ready to run a marathon? After a treatment, I'm tired, so I need to rest to get the benefits from it. By the time I'm feeling less drained and tired again, the week is nearly over and it's time to go for another treatment.. So what am I supposed to do?
The energy I feel is usually only in morning. Then I use it to write or to do other things that keep me busy during the day and going for a walk wasn't allowed to be one of those things, for such a long time.. Now of all a sudden it's something I should be doing. So it feels wrong for me to me take the plunge and do it. If I'm energized in the evening time, what am I supposed to do, other than do some work on the computer.. I'm fine with that, I don't put pressure on myself but I'm still feeling good about it so it's only normal for the need to push to boundaries, to frustrate me. I don't know if it's right.
It's just like eating.. Not knowing what's right. Not knowing if I'm doing good by myself or not. Decisions about food and decisions about life in general.. It can be so hard. Making choices for the right reasons and sticking to them.. But sticking to them, isn't always for the best either....
I just feel awful, drained, confused and I don't really want to do anything. I just want to go to bed and I want everything to just finish. I want everything to pass. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I want to be sure that what I'm doing is right and I want to know what that thing is that I should be doing.. Is that thing I should be doing walking for 5 minutes a day..stuffing my face with everything I set me eyes on..doing what feels good..doing what feels bad..eating whatever I like even if it is less that my original food-plan.. Questions, questions, questions.. Who's to say what's right and wrong? Decisions that keep me occupied constantly and wear me out as I'm trying to see all the opportunities I have.. Is it right to load this all on top of me?
Every little thing that is a part of living a normal life, can feel too much to deal with. It can be easiest things that are the hardest.. like responding and interacting with people, having a discussion or expressing my view on something that isn't really that important or deciding to buy a coat or get a hair cut, at last.. When it comes to taking a hold of my life again and letting Anna go and most importantly, when it comes to deciding what it is I want to do with my life to regain my independence again, it can feel too much and all I want is to cry because I can't deal with any of it.
At the end of the day, it's my life. I'm the only one who can make the decisions and I'm the only who knows what's best, even when I'm muddled and confused and scared.. If I dig deep enough, I hope I find out what's best for me. But at the moment, just thinking about the decisions I have to make, can feel like the biggest hurdle yet.. Diann would say to look at all the other hurdles I've overcome and use the strength from that to get over the next ones. It's great to be able to put it so well into words, but putting it into practice is another story. Shattered confidence is probably making me think like this..
Am I supposed to be feeling energized, like Mr. Acupuncturist said I was? But I'm not.. The last few days it's been up and down, all over the place. I can hardly keep track of how I'm feeling. I can't keep the pace of feeling up and then down again. I don't know if I'm actually tired or if I'm just lazy. I don't know if I'm doing good by lying down whenever I feel I need it and I don't know if it's good to close myself off from the world whenever I don't want to speak to anybody. How do I know if it's really how I'm feeling? What if I've got all this energy but I'm subconsciously choosing not to use it which will only make this whole process take even longer? What happens if that's what's going on? Then I'll never get passed this..
Mr. Acupuncturist told me that when I'm feeling full of beans on the inside (like I was on Saturday), or as he put it, when I'm feeling my spiritual zing, then I have to use it and I have to push the barriers. But what do I do if I'm scared to push because I don't know what's right. It's so head-wrecking.. What if I'm feeling low and I don't want to go for a 5 minute walk around the block..? Will I be just prolonging my recovery? Will I be making things worse by not doing what he's telling me to? I know what Diann would say..she'd tell me to only do it, if I'm feeling okay with it. I know that's what Mr. Acupuncturist meant as well.. But there's only 6 days in between my acupuncture treatments, so what does he expect me to achieve in such a short amount of time? Does he expect me to come in next week and tell him I'm ready to run a marathon? After a treatment, I'm tired, so I need to rest to get the benefits from it. By the time I'm feeling less drained and tired again, the week is nearly over and it's time to go for another treatment.. So what am I supposed to do?
The energy I feel is usually only in morning. Then I use it to write or to do other things that keep me busy during the day and going for a walk wasn't allowed to be one of those things, for such a long time.. Now of all a sudden it's something I should be doing. So it feels wrong for me to me take the plunge and do it. If I'm energized in the evening time, what am I supposed to do, other than do some work on the computer.. I'm fine with that, I don't put pressure on myself but I'm still feeling good about it so it's only normal for the need to push to boundaries, to frustrate me. I don't know if it's right.
It's just like eating.. Not knowing what's right. Not knowing if I'm doing good by myself or not. Decisions about food and decisions about life in general.. It can be so hard. Making choices for the right reasons and sticking to them.. But sticking to them, isn't always for the best either....
I just feel awful, drained, confused and I don't really want to do anything. I just want to go to bed and I want everything to just finish. I want everything to pass. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I want to be sure that what I'm doing is right and I want to know what that thing is that I should be doing.. Is that thing I should be doing walking for 5 minutes a day..stuffing my face with everything I set me eyes on..doing what feels good..doing what feels bad..eating whatever I like even if it is less that my original food-plan.. Questions, questions, questions.. Who's to say what's right and wrong? Decisions that keep me occupied constantly and wear me out as I'm trying to see all the opportunities I have.. Is it right to load this all on top of me?
Every little thing that is a part of living a normal life, can feel too much to deal with. It can be easiest things that are the hardest.. like responding and interacting with people, having a discussion or expressing my view on something that isn't really that important or deciding to buy a coat or get a hair cut, at last.. When it comes to taking a hold of my life again and letting Anna go and most importantly, when it comes to deciding what it is I want to do with my life to regain my independence again, it can feel too much and all I want is to cry because I can't deal with any of it.
At the end of the day, it's my life. I'm the only one who can make the decisions and I'm the only who knows what's best, even when I'm muddled and confused and scared.. If I dig deep enough, I hope I find out what's best for me. But at the moment, just thinking about the decisions I have to make, can feel like the biggest hurdle yet.. Diann would say to look at all the other hurdles I've overcome and use the strength from that to get over the next ones. It's great to be able to put it so well into words, but putting it into practice is another story. Shattered confidence is probably making me think like this..
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Scoring a goal..
Sitting with Diann on Monday morning, we were talking about how having had anorexia and being prone to obsessive behaviour can continue to rule your daily life and decisions you make.
The whole process of recovery and coming out on top after having an eating disorder is usually due to determination and getting a grip on the vision of full health to eventually achieve that goal. The person can be so focused on what it is they want, that they go to extremes to get it.. Obsessiveness and determination will always remain a personality trait. But, further down the line, it won't be about the eating disorder, but about achieving other goals, when it comes to anything that can be classed as a passion.
I asked Diann, how good or bad is it to have a goal? This can be so tricky, because I've been so cautious about making decisions as to what I want to do and where I want to go and thinking that having a goal will only put pressure on me and that would be me living as I used to..focusing on something so much that everything else becomes insignificant. A goal isn't a bad thing, it's good, but it's once this goal brings stress along with it and makes you oblivious to other opportunities and it no longer gives you enjoyment.
Example.. A goal of mine could be to go traveling by such and such a date. If another opportunity comes along in the meantime for me to go somewhere else, I wouldn't even consider thinking about what that opportunity could offer me, because I'd be so fixated on the goal of getting to the place I've set as goal-destination. If I've said that I'm going to do something, then I have to follow it through to the end or else I'm a failure.. That's how I've always thought and how I've lived my life. Achievement made me feel like a winner..anything less and I was a failure.
Another Example.. You really want to learn a language and start a course. It's something you enjoy and have dreamt about doing for ages. But when the course becomes fixated on deadlines and on the certificate you get at the end and not on what you've actually learned whilst doing the course, then you probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as you would have done, hadn't it all have been fixated on receiving that certificate.
Diann reckons, that it's when aiming for a certain goal, brings stress and pressure with it, that it's no healthy, you're no longer living that dream and the enjoyment has gone.. The whole point of having a goal was to fulfill your lifelong dream because you were passionate about a certain hobby, interest or subject. What's the point in doing something you love, but not seeing the benefits or the fun while you're doing it..?? It shouldn't be about the achievement, but about the experience while reaching for that goal..
It's the same whilst recovering from Anna.. If I start to focus on being recovered by a certain date, then I'll loose sight of what's really going on and I won't totally get the benefits from the eating disorder.. Forgetting about time and forgetting about pressure and stress, is the only way to embrace the highs and the lows.. I've experienced first-hand how destructive aiming for goals can be, and I can only try to use the determination and passion I have to embrace the experiences that aiming for a certain goal bring with it and to just see the goal itself as a tool to keep on the right track.
As I've been told so many times before..It's not about the destination, it's about the journey..
The whole process of recovery and coming out on top after having an eating disorder is usually due to determination and getting a grip on the vision of full health to eventually achieve that goal. The person can be so focused on what it is they want, that they go to extremes to get it.. Obsessiveness and determination will always remain a personality trait. But, further down the line, it won't be about the eating disorder, but about achieving other goals, when it comes to anything that can be classed as a passion.
I asked Diann, how good or bad is it to have a goal? This can be so tricky, because I've been so cautious about making decisions as to what I want to do and where I want to go and thinking that having a goal will only put pressure on me and that would be me living as I used to..focusing on something so much that everything else becomes insignificant. A goal isn't a bad thing, it's good, but it's once this goal brings stress along with it and makes you oblivious to other opportunities and it no longer gives you enjoyment.
Example.. A goal of mine could be to go traveling by such and such a date. If another opportunity comes along in the meantime for me to go somewhere else, I wouldn't even consider thinking about what that opportunity could offer me, because I'd be so fixated on the goal of getting to the place I've set as goal-destination. If I've said that I'm going to do something, then I have to follow it through to the end or else I'm a failure.. That's how I've always thought and how I've lived my life. Achievement made me feel like a winner..anything less and I was a failure.
Another Example.. You really want to learn a language and start a course. It's something you enjoy and have dreamt about doing for ages. But when the course becomes fixated on deadlines and on the certificate you get at the end and not on what you've actually learned whilst doing the course, then you probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as you would have done, hadn't it all have been fixated on receiving that certificate.
Diann reckons, that it's when aiming for a certain goal, brings stress and pressure with it, that it's no healthy, you're no longer living that dream and the enjoyment has gone.. The whole point of having a goal was to fulfill your lifelong dream because you were passionate about a certain hobby, interest or subject. What's the point in doing something you love, but not seeing the benefits or the fun while you're doing it..?? It shouldn't be about the achievement, but about the experience while reaching for that goal..
It's the same whilst recovering from Anna.. If I start to focus on being recovered by a certain date, then I'll loose sight of what's really going on and I won't totally get the benefits from the eating disorder.. Forgetting about time and forgetting about pressure and stress, is the only way to embrace the highs and the lows.. I've experienced first-hand how destructive aiming for goals can be, and I can only try to use the determination and passion I have to embrace the experiences that aiming for a certain goal bring with it and to just see the goal itself as a tool to keep on the right track.
As I've been told so many times before..It's not about the destination, it's about the journey..
Spiritual Zing
It's Wednesday evening, and I went to have my treatment done this morning and all was well in the world of Mr. Acupuncturist. We had the usual chat about my week, how things were going and how the new herbs were working. I filled him in on my "movement" and he was a delighted for me as I was, that I went to the toilet twice in one day, on Saturday. I told him how energized I instantly felt. But that it was all on the inside and that I still wasn't able to get it out, because of being weak.
He explained what had happened.. My spiritual zing is or spiritual energy has been boosted. This means that my spleen and heart are starting to work more in harmony with each other and that the balance in my body is returning.. doesn't that sound beautiful..my heart and spleen are working in harmony..wow..
My spleen is getting stronger which means my body is observing even more nutrients from my food, than it had been doing up to a month ago. This is why I felt so full of beans over the weekend and it's why I felt so strong and nourished as well. My spiritual zing will give me the determination I need to start working on my physical zing. But the spiritual zing isn't constant yet. It comes and it goes. Some days I feel I can concur the world (that's on the inside) and other days I just don't care one way of the other and I feel low and drained. Whenever this feeling comes up, of concurring the world, Mr. Acupuncturist told me that I should use it to do light physical exertion, in order to build back up my physical energy. Because that's what I need. I have to push the boundaries, he reckons. Once my spiritual zing becomes more stable then I'll physically be getting stronger which will keep on boosting my determination. The spirit of "concurring the world" will be stimulated again which will give me more overall energy..it's like a circle that expands on the good days and shrinks slightly on the bad to expand again just that little more I'm up again and to shrink a little again when I'm down again.. on and on it goes until I'm back to full health.
He then told me that my weight gain will continue to go from top to bottom..so first my face and top half of my body and my legs will be last on the list..(unfortunately, they're the only part of me that I really want to get bigger and stronger).. I've been noticing it myself as well.. the top half of me is expanding but the bottom-half remains bony and weak. My back is stronger and leg are weaker. My stomach has a layer of fat and my bottom is still bony with no muscle or fat to speak of.. It's strange. I probably look like an ice-cream cone.. Big and round on the top, getting thinner towards the bottom. O well, I unfortunately don't have any control over where the weight piles on..it just happens and I have to make peace with my huge egghead.
The treatment itself, was quite relaxing. I didn't float, I didn't fly, but a lot of stress was released. He left the needles in extra long, just to give me a longer time-out. He put a needle in between my eyes.. This was the first time he stuck a needle in my head. Very strange, but head was tingling nicely, as was the rest of me. Numbness and spurts of energy shooting through my core like there was no tomorrow as well as thoughts of my body starting to work in harmony and starting to do as it's supposed to do.. Feeling healthy and trying not to feel bad about it.
He said his favourite words to me again when I was leaving.. "you're face is REALLY looking good.." The dreaded sign of glowing health is what he was talking about. I didn't let it make me feel bad, I took it on-board and thanked him.. Because it was a compliment. He means well and he told also told me that I should take more credit for what I've been going through. He said I deserve to feel good and I should let myself. I know he's right, but it doesn't make it easier. It probably just makes it harder, because I know that I'm not doing good by still being so hard on myself and still not being happy with what I'm doing and still feeling I've not suffered enough..when I'm low I beat myself up about being low which makes me even lower. It's like the saying goes: Kick them when they're down..Or when implying it to myself..Kick myself when I'm down..How annoying.. I hope it will get less with time..which I'm sure it will do.. But until then, I just take each day as it comes..
He explained what had happened.. My spiritual zing is or spiritual energy has been boosted. This means that my spleen and heart are starting to work more in harmony with each other and that the balance in my body is returning.. doesn't that sound beautiful..my heart and spleen are working in harmony..wow..
My spleen is getting stronger which means my body is observing even more nutrients from my food, than it had been doing up to a month ago. This is why I felt so full of beans over the weekend and it's why I felt so strong and nourished as well. My spiritual zing will give me the determination I need to start working on my physical zing. But the spiritual zing isn't constant yet. It comes and it goes. Some days I feel I can concur the world (that's on the inside) and other days I just don't care one way of the other and I feel low and drained. Whenever this feeling comes up, of concurring the world, Mr. Acupuncturist told me that I should use it to do light physical exertion, in order to build back up my physical energy. Because that's what I need. I have to push the boundaries, he reckons. Once my spiritual zing becomes more stable then I'll physically be getting stronger which will keep on boosting my determination. The spirit of "concurring the world" will be stimulated again which will give me more overall energy..it's like a circle that expands on the good days and shrinks slightly on the bad to expand again just that little more I'm up again and to shrink a little again when I'm down again.. on and on it goes until I'm back to full health.
He then told me that my weight gain will continue to go from top to bottom..so first my face and top half of my body and my legs will be last on the list..(unfortunately, they're the only part of me that I really want to get bigger and stronger).. I've been noticing it myself as well.. the top half of me is expanding but the bottom-half remains bony and weak. My back is stronger and leg are weaker. My stomach has a layer of fat and my bottom is still bony with no muscle or fat to speak of.. It's strange. I probably look like an ice-cream cone.. Big and round on the top, getting thinner towards the bottom. O well, I unfortunately don't have any control over where the weight piles on..it just happens and I have to make peace with my huge egghead.
The treatment itself, was quite relaxing. I didn't float, I didn't fly, but a lot of stress was released. He left the needles in extra long, just to give me a longer time-out. He put a needle in between my eyes.. This was the first time he stuck a needle in my head. Very strange, but head was tingling nicely, as was the rest of me. Numbness and spurts of energy shooting through my core like there was no tomorrow as well as thoughts of my body starting to work in harmony and starting to do as it's supposed to do.. Feeling healthy and trying not to feel bad about it.
He said his favourite words to me again when I was leaving.. "you're face is REALLY looking good.." The dreaded sign of glowing health is what he was talking about. I didn't let it make me feel bad, I took it on-board and thanked him.. Because it was a compliment. He means well and he told also told me that I should take more credit for what I've been going through. He said I deserve to feel good and I should let myself. I know he's right, but it doesn't make it easier. It probably just makes it harder, because I know that I'm not doing good by still being so hard on myself and still not being happy with what I'm doing and still feeling I've not suffered enough..when I'm low I beat myself up about being low which makes me even lower. It's like the saying goes: Kick them when they're down..Or when implying it to myself..Kick myself when I'm down..How annoying.. I hope it will get less with time..which I'm sure it will do.. But until then, I just take each day as it comes..
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Delightfully delicious - The great session
Discussing so much with Diann yesterday, but food remains the underlying cause of the problem, but also the solution to the disorder.
Last week Tuesday, when I was talking to Diann, she wanted me to eat intuitively, as many days as I wanted. If I did this, then on them days I was allowed to skip a supplement. I did it 2 days. Friday and Saturday. When I woke up on Friday, I knew that I had to take the plunge.. I had to do it. So I ate my breakfast and toast as normal, and my first supplement drink. Then I had a slice of toasted soda bread..delicious!!! Then I had my normal potatoe and sausage. I made a smoothie with yogurt, watermelon and apple, then I had another slice of toasted soda bread and a muesli bar. It was only 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I was still hungry after eating all this. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself, hadn't I gone down town with Eileen for 2 hours. All day long, all I was doing, was thinking about what I wanted to eat, what should I eat and, more importantly, how MUCH should I eat. It was so hard, because skipping the drink in the afternoon, felt so wrong and I was suddenly let loose and I didn't know what was right. I didn't know if I was doing myself more bad then good by not having the drink. I was stuffing myself, because I knew I had to have enough calories and I'd feel sick without the protein and carbs. But I didn't want to stuff myself, because it made me feel like a pig. At 04.30 in the afternoon, I went out, so I wasn't thinking about food anymore. I didn't eat for a couple of hours, because I wasn't hungry. I had a delicious dinner..my favourite..salmon, rice and broccoli. In the evening I had a biscuit and a supplement drink. I wasn't starving, before going to bed, like the weeks before, when I was needing to eat all the time.
This reassured me..for a few hours.
Saturday I was going to give it another go. I wanted to jumble it up a little more. I started the day with my breakfast as usual, then toast. An hour later, a pannini with melted cheese..hummmm. Then I had an extra portion of fruit and a potatoe and sausage. I had the first supplement drink at around 03.30 in the afternoon, instead of in the morning like the day before. I enjoy them so much, so having it in the afternoon instead of in the morning, meant I could look forward to it, all day.. hummm.. After that I just had a muesli bar, my dinner, a biscuit and a supplement at around 10 at night. Again I wasn't going insane with wanting more. Things can be so easy at times..
I got through the 2 days, eating intuitively. I wasn't supposed to be counting the calories, but I know the calorie content of nearly every piece of food. So it's hard to forget the number, when I'm eating it. Diann wants me to get away from that way of eating as much as possible. But I don't know if it will ever totally be irrelevant. There's 300 calories in a drink. I'm loosing this amount, so I have to make up for it by eating other things. It's probably 2 slices of bread with a spread of some sort. But it isn't as easy as that. I don't want to eat such a large amount of bread. But what else is there to have.. One minute things are so easy and instantly they are complicated again..
Sunday I went back to eating my normal daily menu. I didn't want to focus on food for just 1 day. I wanted to think about other things and I wanted to feel slightly normal. But late at night, after I had finished my last supplement, I felt awful and starved again. I just wanted to keep on eating. I forced myself to wait 10 minutes, before staring into the fridge and drooling over forbidden foods. So I waited and the feeling went. I didn't want anything more to eat.
It's said that it always takes 20 minutes for your brain to register that your stomach is full and to tell you that you don't need anymore food. For me, it took 10 minutes and all the worries about being hungry had gone. I should learn to do this after every meal. Because most times when I eat and I've cleared my plate, I'm gutted and I want more. Diann said it's my body still coming out of "starvation mode".. my brain is still thinking: She's eating, now lets keep her eating, just in case she stops again. I honestly thought this would have died down by now. My exact words were: "But I've been eating for so long, how come that feeling hasn't gone yet?".. That sounds so bad.. "I've been eating for so long.." as if the eating is only going last for a certain amount of time.. which is crazy, I know. Everybody has been eating their whole lives, as have I.. but a comment like that isn't that of a "wise woman"..come to think of it, when it comes to food, I'm not really all that wise, so such a comment should be allowed..
Diann said, months ago, that people who are recovering, sometimes drink the supplements for years, because they're safe and they know exactly what's in a drink. When I first started taking them, I was so reluctant. I didn't want them, and I longed so much for the day to come when Diann would say..you can cut down on the drinks. But I'm not too sure if I'm all that pleased about it now. I can now relate to why recovering anorexics want to keep taking them. Because, right now, I'm just so afraid of eating the wrong thing or eating too much or too fatty. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore when it comes to choosing what to eat. I don't want to build my body back up with all the wrong food. Because I'm restoring tissue, muscle and fat and whatever I gain now and over the coming months, will stay with me forever. I don't want to do it wrong.
I feel like this is my chance to build a body with the proper fats. It's like I'm starting from scratch and it's my only chance to get it right. But what is right and what is wrong? I eat a lot, but it's healthy, except for 1 digestive biscuit a day. That's probably the only thing that's bad for me. Can I become healthy, while eating a biscuit everyday? Well, I know the answer to that..only if I think twice about it. If I wasn't to have the biscuit and I would want it, then it's not healthy. If I don't want it and don't have it, then I'm healthy. The thing I need to get my head around is that, once I restrict myself or forbid myself from having a "guilty pleasure", then it's unhealthy.
Whenever I sit watching telly or whatever, and I'm eating my daily menu and I haven't had a biscuit yet, I have to eat it. If I'm eating intuitively and I don't want it, I don't have to have it. It makes so much sense, and it's what people do everyday: they eat what they want, whenever they want, providing they aren't on a diet. If I don't crave a biscuit, then why would I eat it? I don't have a sweet tooth, so I'll never have massive cravings for junk food. Eating junk food or healthy food doesn't mean that I'm or I'm not recovered. It's about eating what I'm wanting and not restricting myself.
At the moment, eating intuitively, is the challenge I'm faced with daily. I'm either thinking about what day to do it on, or it's the actual day itself and I'm battling with myself about the good and bad foods. Right now, I'll be wanting and feeling I need certain foods for 2 different reasons. The first need for a certain type of food is the nutrition: my body may, for example, need more protein for muscle tissue or iron and vitamin B to boost the hormone levels or vitamin C for my immune-system.. I'll feel the need to eat certain things, to get the nutrition my body is still lacking. The second need for a certain type of food is "catching up" on all the cravings I ignored for so long: food that I have loved so much and that usually I would eat lots of, my body became deprived of and I was trained NOT to act on what my longings but as my appetite comes back, so will my tastes. It can be so confusing, because I sometimes don't know what part of me is wanting the food or the reason for me wanting the food.
It will take a while for this to balance out, but I have to challenge both sides of my longings to fully recover. My weight will stabilize as will my appetite and I'll feel safe when eating and I'll be able to trust myself again around food.
Sometimes I think that it really doesn't have to be such a big deal. It's only food, nothing more, nothing less. I should just eat, without worrying, analyzing and without guilt. But it isn't as easy as that. If it were, I wouldn't have had a problem to begin with.
I keep on thinking how good it's all going and that I'm better. It continues to haunt me. I think ahead and wonder how long this will keep on going for. When will I be able to say: "The recovery is over and I'm no longer in between".. ? Because that's exactly where I am right now, I'm not anorexic, but my relationship with food cannot be classed as healthy or "normal" (whatever "normal" may be).. I'm not one or the other. I can either be leaning more to one state of being or the other. I try not to look ahead and put a time-limit on it. I have to force myself to forget about how long it might take. Or else I'll drive myself insane.
At the moment, I know which side I'm leaning towards and it's good. Diann said that I'll know when the day comes, that I can say.."It's over".
Last week Tuesday, when I was talking to Diann, she wanted me to eat intuitively, as many days as I wanted. If I did this, then on them days I was allowed to skip a supplement. I did it 2 days. Friday and Saturday. When I woke up on Friday, I knew that I had to take the plunge.. I had to do it. So I ate my breakfast and toast as normal, and my first supplement drink. Then I had a slice of toasted soda bread..delicious!!! Then I had my normal potatoe and sausage. I made a smoothie with yogurt, watermelon and apple, then I had another slice of toasted soda bread and a muesli bar. It was only 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I was still hungry after eating all this. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself, hadn't I gone down town with Eileen for 2 hours. All day long, all I was doing, was thinking about what I wanted to eat, what should I eat and, more importantly, how MUCH should I eat. It was so hard, because skipping the drink in the afternoon, felt so wrong and I was suddenly let loose and I didn't know what was right. I didn't know if I was doing myself more bad then good by not having the drink. I was stuffing myself, because I knew I had to have enough calories and I'd feel sick without the protein and carbs. But I didn't want to stuff myself, because it made me feel like a pig. At 04.30 in the afternoon, I went out, so I wasn't thinking about food anymore. I didn't eat for a couple of hours, because I wasn't hungry. I had a delicious dinner..my favourite..salmon, rice and broccoli. In the evening I had a biscuit and a supplement drink. I wasn't starving, before going to bed, like the weeks before, when I was needing to eat all the time.
This reassured me..for a few hours.
Saturday I was going to give it another go. I wanted to jumble it up a little more. I started the day with my breakfast as usual, then toast. An hour later, a pannini with melted cheese..hummmm. Then I had an extra portion of fruit and a potatoe and sausage. I had the first supplement drink at around 03.30 in the afternoon, instead of in the morning like the day before. I enjoy them so much, so having it in the afternoon instead of in the morning, meant I could look forward to it, all day.. hummm.. After that I just had a muesli bar, my dinner, a biscuit and a supplement at around 10 at night. Again I wasn't going insane with wanting more. Things can be so easy at times..
I got through the 2 days, eating intuitively. I wasn't supposed to be counting the calories, but I know the calorie content of nearly every piece of food. So it's hard to forget the number, when I'm eating it. Diann wants me to get away from that way of eating as much as possible. But I don't know if it will ever totally be irrelevant. There's 300 calories in a drink. I'm loosing this amount, so I have to make up for it by eating other things. It's probably 2 slices of bread with a spread of some sort. But it isn't as easy as that. I don't want to eat such a large amount of bread. But what else is there to have.. One minute things are so easy and instantly they are complicated again..
Sunday I went back to eating my normal daily menu. I didn't want to focus on food for just 1 day. I wanted to think about other things and I wanted to feel slightly normal. But late at night, after I had finished my last supplement, I felt awful and starved again. I just wanted to keep on eating. I forced myself to wait 10 minutes, before staring into the fridge and drooling over forbidden foods. So I waited and the feeling went. I didn't want anything more to eat.
It's said that it always takes 20 minutes for your brain to register that your stomach is full and to tell you that you don't need anymore food. For me, it took 10 minutes and all the worries about being hungry had gone. I should learn to do this after every meal. Because most times when I eat and I've cleared my plate, I'm gutted and I want more. Diann said it's my body still coming out of "starvation mode".. my brain is still thinking: She's eating, now lets keep her eating, just in case she stops again. I honestly thought this would have died down by now. My exact words were: "But I've been eating for so long, how come that feeling hasn't gone yet?".. That sounds so bad.. "I've been eating for so long.." as if the eating is only going last for a certain amount of time.. which is crazy, I know. Everybody has been eating their whole lives, as have I.. but a comment like that isn't that of a "wise woman"..come to think of it, when it comes to food, I'm not really all that wise, so such a comment should be allowed..
Diann said, months ago, that people who are recovering, sometimes drink the supplements for years, because they're safe and they know exactly what's in a drink. When I first started taking them, I was so reluctant. I didn't want them, and I longed so much for the day to come when Diann would say..you can cut down on the drinks. But I'm not too sure if I'm all that pleased about it now. I can now relate to why recovering anorexics want to keep taking them. Because, right now, I'm just so afraid of eating the wrong thing or eating too much or too fatty. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore when it comes to choosing what to eat. I don't want to build my body back up with all the wrong food. Because I'm restoring tissue, muscle and fat and whatever I gain now and over the coming months, will stay with me forever. I don't want to do it wrong.
I feel like this is my chance to build a body with the proper fats. It's like I'm starting from scratch and it's my only chance to get it right. But what is right and what is wrong? I eat a lot, but it's healthy, except for 1 digestive biscuit a day. That's probably the only thing that's bad for me. Can I become healthy, while eating a biscuit everyday? Well, I know the answer to that..only if I think twice about it. If I wasn't to have the biscuit and I would want it, then it's not healthy. If I don't want it and don't have it, then I'm healthy. The thing I need to get my head around is that, once I restrict myself or forbid myself from having a "guilty pleasure", then it's unhealthy.
Whenever I sit watching telly or whatever, and I'm eating my daily menu and I haven't had a biscuit yet, I have to eat it. If I'm eating intuitively and I don't want it, I don't have to have it. It makes so much sense, and it's what people do everyday: they eat what they want, whenever they want, providing they aren't on a diet. If I don't crave a biscuit, then why would I eat it? I don't have a sweet tooth, so I'll never have massive cravings for junk food. Eating junk food or healthy food doesn't mean that I'm or I'm not recovered. It's about eating what I'm wanting and not restricting myself.
At the moment, eating intuitively, is the challenge I'm faced with daily. I'm either thinking about what day to do it on, or it's the actual day itself and I'm battling with myself about the good and bad foods. Right now, I'll be wanting and feeling I need certain foods for 2 different reasons. The first need for a certain type of food is the nutrition: my body may, for example, need more protein for muscle tissue or iron and vitamin B to boost the hormone levels or vitamin C for my immune-system.. I'll feel the need to eat certain things, to get the nutrition my body is still lacking. The second need for a certain type of food is "catching up" on all the cravings I ignored for so long: food that I have loved so much and that usually I would eat lots of, my body became deprived of and I was trained NOT to act on what my longings but as my appetite comes back, so will my tastes. It can be so confusing, because I sometimes don't know what part of me is wanting the food or the reason for me wanting the food.
It will take a while for this to balance out, but I have to challenge both sides of my longings to fully recover. My weight will stabilize as will my appetite and I'll feel safe when eating and I'll be able to trust myself again around food.
Sometimes I think that it really doesn't have to be such a big deal. It's only food, nothing more, nothing less. I should just eat, without worrying, analyzing and without guilt. But it isn't as easy as that. If it were, I wouldn't have had a problem to begin with.
I keep on thinking how good it's all going and that I'm better. It continues to haunt me. I think ahead and wonder how long this will keep on going for. When will I be able to say: "The recovery is over and I'm no longer in between".. ? Because that's exactly where I am right now, I'm not anorexic, but my relationship with food cannot be classed as healthy or "normal" (whatever "normal" may be).. I'm not one or the other. I can either be leaning more to one state of being or the other. I try not to look ahead and put a time-limit on it. I have to force myself to forget about how long it might take. Or else I'll drive myself insane.
At the moment, I know which side I'm leaning towards and it's good. Diann said that I'll know when the day comes, that I can say.."It's over".
Weightless issues - The great session
The story of the diamond continues to unravel itself..
Weeks ago, Diann said to me.. "Niamh, you should try and see the diamond in yourself and each person you meet on while doing your daily things.." Now, I don't get out of the house much, so I wasn't going to meet a lot of people. But I tried to see the diamond in the dentist (even when he is drilling and hammering and grinding at my teeth and gums), I tried to see the diamond in the shopkeeper (even though she couldn't speak a word of English and was so arrogant to even say "hello"), and I tried to see the diamond in myself (even though I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror).. I was focused on this assignment and whilst doing so, I started looking back to the start of this journey. I remember I started this blog and, on occasions, I would feel upbeat, positive and great about who I was and what I was doing and the progress I was making. These moments would be only moments. They wouldn't last and I never knew why they were only so brief.. The moments stopped as soon as they started and I'd instantly feel the doom and gloom again, that I constantly felt back then.
The past weeks, I've only started to see what these moments meant and what they were.. They were moments that my diamond was shining. I didn't know back then that it was in there, even though it was a subject Diann constantly spoke to me about. I remember not knowing how I would be able to get it to shine again. I didn't know that my shiny diamond was my self-worth and that through my self-esteem I could project my diamond to the world. I didn't believe I had self-worth or a diamond. I thought self-esteem was something I would never have again. But suddenly I saw what that feeling was. As the months have passed and things got harder and harder and gradually easier and easier, my diamond started to shine more.
During the week, I realized how unimportant weight is, when on the inside everything is so great and feels so good. Self-esteem can soar if you know that your diamond is working and shining as it should do. If someone is so happy within themselves, because of the diamond and the ability to express oneself which provides the confidence needed to thrive on life, then what does it matter if someone has chubby cheeks and a layer covering the potential abs.. Because it doesn't matter.. Food does give me the life, but at the same time, it doesn't have to rule..
I look in the mirror and I've been feeling fine. I talk myself into believing that I'm not fat and that I like what I see. It's like an exercise I have started putting myself through, a few times a week. Walking around in my underwear, and not avoiding the mirror but trying to see what's real. This week I haven't felt bad about what I've been seeing. By seeing that my bones are disappearing, Anna hasn't been triggered. This was one of Diann's concerns.. that if I were to get obsessed with trying to see what has expanded, I might then want to cut down on the food again. This week, this wasn't the case.
If I look and I see an elephant, I try to see the diamond and then everything is okay again.. not taking into consideration just how hard it is to fight out those feelings of fattening myself up, intentionally.. But the more time that passes, the easier it should become.. To be continued..
Weeks ago, Diann said to me.. "Niamh, you should try and see the diamond in yourself and each person you meet on while doing your daily things.." Now, I don't get out of the house much, so I wasn't going to meet a lot of people. But I tried to see the diamond in the dentist (even when he is drilling and hammering and grinding at my teeth and gums), I tried to see the diamond in the shopkeeper (even though she couldn't speak a word of English and was so arrogant to even say "hello"), and I tried to see the diamond in myself (even though I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror).. I was focused on this assignment and whilst doing so, I started looking back to the start of this journey. I remember I started this blog and, on occasions, I would feel upbeat, positive and great about who I was and what I was doing and the progress I was making. These moments would be only moments. They wouldn't last and I never knew why they were only so brief.. The moments stopped as soon as they started and I'd instantly feel the doom and gloom again, that I constantly felt back then.
The past weeks, I've only started to see what these moments meant and what they were.. They were moments that my diamond was shining. I didn't know back then that it was in there, even though it was a subject Diann constantly spoke to me about. I remember not knowing how I would be able to get it to shine again. I didn't know that my shiny diamond was my self-worth and that through my self-esteem I could project my diamond to the world. I didn't believe I had self-worth or a diamond. I thought self-esteem was something I would never have again. But suddenly I saw what that feeling was. As the months have passed and things got harder and harder and gradually easier and easier, my diamond started to shine more.
During the week, I realized how unimportant weight is, when on the inside everything is so great and feels so good. Self-esteem can soar if you know that your diamond is working and shining as it should do. If someone is so happy within themselves, because of the diamond and the ability to express oneself which provides the confidence needed to thrive on life, then what does it matter if someone has chubby cheeks and a layer covering the potential abs.. Because it doesn't matter.. Food does give me the life, but at the same time, it doesn't have to rule..
I look in the mirror and I've been feeling fine. I talk myself into believing that I'm not fat and that I like what I see. It's like an exercise I have started putting myself through, a few times a week. Walking around in my underwear, and not avoiding the mirror but trying to see what's real. This week I haven't felt bad about what I've been seeing. By seeing that my bones are disappearing, Anna hasn't been triggered. This was one of Diann's concerns.. that if I were to get obsessed with trying to see what has expanded, I might then want to cut down on the food again. This week, this wasn't the case.
If I look and I see an elephant, I try to see the diamond and then everything is okay again.. not taking into consideration just how hard it is to fight out those feelings of fattening myself up, intentionally.. But the more time that passes, the easier it should become.. To be continued..
Endless gratitude - The great session
The shortest week but probably one of the clearest since the start. Yesterday morning I went to Diann, and I knew that after last week, this one was going to be great and the easiest session to date. My predictions were right. There wasn't a big build up, there wasn't any anger that I needed to release, there weren't any questions I needed answering. All I needed was a way to get all the great things happening to me, out in the open. They needed to be said, for them to feel more real and I needed to hear myself saying them without being plagued by guilt for everything feeling so good. One of a few weeks, without any tears, and if there were tears, they were tears of joy.
By the way..writing today, will probably feel awful, because I know it's going to be good..it's almost like a "guilty pleasure". But I don't care.
On Wednesday, last week, after acupuncture, I felt so good. Well, after having a nap in the afternoon. In the evening I felt so light and everything was so clear. Thursday morning, I was feeling the same. Friday morning I was grateful for absolutely everything. I was overwhelmed with love for everything..love for life that I cannot describe. It lasted for days. But the frustrating thing about having so much goodness going on inside, was that I had no way of getting it out in the world. How do you express your love for life? By living.. But I'm living, I'm breathing, I'm eating, I'm feeling, I'm communicating, I'm going through the motions and as Diann said last week..embracing the things that happen to you, can show your passion for just living. I can't put into words how good it felt.. Or, come to think of it:..a feeling of natural ecstasy.. (not that I would know from experience..but I can only imagine), a feeling that I could concur anything and it would be fine, a feeling that I'm not getting older but I'm getting stronger and therefore younger. Just feeling blessed about everything that has happened, not only the past year, but my whole life. This continued over the course of the week.
Friday morning it was gratitude that I was feeling the most. It can be so overpowering, but in a way that words will never be enough to show how grateful I am for everything. How can you tell life that you're thankful for everything that's been thrown at you? There's just no way to say. You could show your gratitude to life by embracing it, but still it can feel like it's not enough. Gratitude towards my family..Another tricky one. How will I ever be able to tell my Mam and family how grateful I am for everything they have done for me? I can thank them a million times, but it would never be enough..not in a million years. Even though it's me who's doing the work, I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for them, especially my Mam. That's something I'm 100% sure of. Actions speak louder than words, but neither will ever be enough..
I've spent most of my life being grateful and thanking people for everything. Mostly because I wouldn't feel I was worth the bother or the effort.. I would think: Why would somebody go through so much effort for me? I wouldn't want to burden people or put people out. I didn't feel I deserved it. Sometimes I would even be grateful for people being my friend.. As if they are doing me a favour by hanging out with me. That's how insignificant I would feel. I know now, that to myself, I shouldn't be insignificant. If I'm insignificant to others, what does it matter?
There are always things is life to be grateful for, no matter how hard it can be. Seeing that there is always some treasure to be grateful for, even if it's your warm bed at night or for the day to finally end, it can make the big problems seem less. So gratitude isn't a bad feeling, it's good and makes you appreciate things so much more.
I've always been grateful, but mainly because other people were more important than me and I didn't feel I was deserving of anything because of me being insignificant. But last week, I was feeling a whole different kind of gratitude. It had me flying..
On Wednesday Mr. Acupuncturist gave me different herbs. They have worked wonders, to say the least. They were to get my bowels moving and if this were to happen, it would also make me feel energized. Well, a miracle happened on Saturday.. I went to the toilet TWICE!! I know it's not the nicest subject, but it made a huge difference over the weekend. Saturday was the first day, in probably over a year, that I instantly felt properly energized, nourished, strong and healthy after my visits to the toilet. The energized feel I could describe it as "full", but not as in "I've eaten too much", but a full figure, in a good way. I feel my back is filling out and toning up again and it's making me feel so strong. My whole core is stronger, my head was clear and I was eating..
Saturday I had so much energy on the inside, but to look at me you wouldn't have thought it. My legs were still weak and I was still slow and taking it easy, but I was full of beans. It was the first time, I could actually feel the effects the food is having on me and feeling so fit, I could also suddenly feel the effects NOT eating had on me. It's been well over a year since I felt so full of life and it's all down to the food.
I took away the food, slowly but surely. My body became used to feeling lifeless and I was living on my reserves. My body adjusted and I thought I was feeling fit and healthy. It's only NOW, by feeling so full of good life, that I can see what I had taken away from myself by not eating. It was a glorious feeling. Saturday I was still pacing myself, doing some work on the computer and scrap-booking, nothing out of the ordinary, but nothing was ordinary on the inside. Everything was extraordinary.. But maybe it will become normal, because is this how it feels to feel full of life when someone eats properly? If this is normal, then I want more. If this was peek at how I could feel forever, then I can't wait..
There will soon be no more restraints. I will soon be able to do things that 8 months ago, I would have wanted to do but others would have called me crazy for even thinking I could do these things, seeing my weight was so low. For instance, I've thought about running a marathon.. a year ago I wouldn't have been able and I never thought I would be able to again, because I wanted to stay 38 kilo's forever. I didn't see a way of getting back my strength and staying skinny. I didn't see there was a possibility for me to get to the root of the problem and go through the pain and heartache to get my energy back and to gain weight, no matter how badly I wanted it deep down. But now, I see there is an end, I don't when, but I'm getting there and I won't have to think twice about running a marathon or jumping out of plane or joining the gym. Nothing will be forever out of my reach. The journey back to full health seemed too far away and too much to deal with, that I had secretly settled for a life of restrictions and restraints. I thought that was it. I might have thought I had made peace with not living as I wanted to, because I continued to focus on being skinny. But eventually it did get the better of me and I did come to realize that I needed to come clean.
This was the only time during the session, that I choked up, but for good reason.. Who would have thought this journey would have been so painful yet so brilliant..all at once..
To be continued..
By the way..writing today, will probably feel awful, because I know it's going to be good..it's almost like a "guilty pleasure". But I don't care.
On Wednesday, last week, after acupuncture, I felt so good. Well, after having a nap in the afternoon. In the evening I felt so light and everything was so clear. Thursday morning, I was feeling the same. Friday morning I was grateful for absolutely everything. I was overwhelmed with love for everything..love for life that I cannot describe. It lasted for days. But the frustrating thing about having so much goodness going on inside, was that I had no way of getting it out in the world. How do you express your love for life? By living.. But I'm living, I'm breathing, I'm eating, I'm feeling, I'm communicating, I'm going through the motions and as Diann said last week..embracing the things that happen to you, can show your passion for just living. I can't put into words how good it felt.. Or, come to think of it:..a feeling of natural ecstasy.. (not that I would know from experience..but I can only imagine), a feeling that I could concur anything and it would be fine, a feeling that I'm not getting older but I'm getting stronger and therefore younger. Just feeling blessed about everything that has happened, not only the past year, but my whole life. This continued over the course of the week.
Friday morning it was gratitude that I was feeling the most. It can be so overpowering, but in a way that words will never be enough to show how grateful I am for everything. How can you tell life that you're thankful for everything that's been thrown at you? There's just no way to say. You could show your gratitude to life by embracing it, but still it can feel like it's not enough. Gratitude towards my family..Another tricky one. How will I ever be able to tell my Mam and family how grateful I am for everything they have done for me? I can thank them a million times, but it would never be enough..not in a million years. Even though it's me who's doing the work, I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for them, especially my Mam. That's something I'm 100% sure of. Actions speak louder than words, but neither will ever be enough..
I've spent most of my life being grateful and thanking people for everything. Mostly because I wouldn't feel I was worth the bother or the effort.. I would think: Why would somebody go through so much effort for me? I wouldn't want to burden people or put people out. I didn't feel I deserved it. Sometimes I would even be grateful for people being my friend.. As if they are doing me a favour by hanging out with me. That's how insignificant I would feel. I know now, that to myself, I shouldn't be insignificant. If I'm insignificant to others, what does it matter?
There are always things is life to be grateful for, no matter how hard it can be. Seeing that there is always some treasure to be grateful for, even if it's your warm bed at night or for the day to finally end, it can make the big problems seem less. So gratitude isn't a bad feeling, it's good and makes you appreciate things so much more.
I've always been grateful, but mainly because other people were more important than me and I didn't feel I was deserving of anything because of me being insignificant. But last week, I was feeling a whole different kind of gratitude. It had me flying..
On Wednesday Mr. Acupuncturist gave me different herbs. They have worked wonders, to say the least. They were to get my bowels moving and if this were to happen, it would also make me feel energized. Well, a miracle happened on Saturday.. I went to the toilet TWICE!! I know it's not the nicest subject, but it made a huge difference over the weekend. Saturday was the first day, in probably over a year, that I instantly felt properly energized, nourished, strong and healthy after my visits to the toilet. The energized feel I could describe it as "full", but not as in "I've eaten too much", but a full figure, in a good way. I feel my back is filling out and toning up again and it's making me feel so strong. My whole core is stronger, my head was clear and I was eating..
Saturday I had so much energy on the inside, but to look at me you wouldn't have thought it. My legs were still weak and I was still slow and taking it easy, but I was full of beans. It was the first time, I could actually feel the effects the food is having on me and feeling so fit, I could also suddenly feel the effects NOT eating had on me. It's been well over a year since I felt so full of life and it's all down to the food.
I took away the food, slowly but surely. My body became used to feeling lifeless and I was living on my reserves. My body adjusted and I thought I was feeling fit and healthy. It's only NOW, by feeling so full of good life, that I can see what I had taken away from myself by not eating. It was a glorious feeling. Saturday I was still pacing myself, doing some work on the computer and scrap-booking, nothing out of the ordinary, but nothing was ordinary on the inside. Everything was extraordinary.. But maybe it will become normal, because is this how it feels to feel full of life when someone eats properly? If this is normal, then I want more. If this was peek at how I could feel forever, then I can't wait..
There will soon be no more restraints. I will soon be able to do things that 8 months ago, I would have wanted to do but others would have called me crazy for even thinking I could do these things, seeing my weight was so low. For instance, I've thought about running a marathon.. a year ago I wouldn't have been able and I never thought I would be able to again, because I wanted to stay 38 kilo's forever. I didn't see a way of getting back my strength and staying skinny. I didn't see there was a possibility for me to get to the root of the problem and go through the pain and heartache to get my energy back and to gain weight, no matter how badly I wanted it deep down. But now, I see there is an end, I don't when, but I'm getting there and I won't have to think twice about running a marathon or jumping out of plane or joining the gym. Nothing will be forever out of my reach. The journey back to full health seemed too far away and too much to deal with, that I had secretly settled for a life of restrictions and restraints. I thought that was it. I might have thought I had made peace with not living as I wanted to, because I continued to focus on being skinny. But eventually it did get the better of me and I did come to realize that I needed to come clean.
This was the only time during the session, that I choked up, but for good reason.. Who would have thought this journey would have been so painful yet so brilliant..all at once..
To be continued..
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Trapped to fly
Solitude and isolation; the ingredients for discovery
Finding the way without motions and movement means recovery
It's in a sense of stillness but where adventures seem flowing
And each one contributes to the physical and mental growing
Not going nowhere but getting everywhere, fast
The underlying experiences causing a rising blast
Locking oneself away, shows the opportunities within reach
The visions are endless and aren't justified through speech
Seeing it and holding on so tight, it seems pure bliss
Not letting go is knowing that never shooting guarantees a miss
Waiting so patiently to express and discover every ounce
As solitude shows that a peaceful mind encourages that daily bounce
Bubbling and brewing as stillness catches the worlds eye
Nobody can imagine the power of letting go, in order to fly
The energy is not superficial but of a higher form
A flutter through the core is a sign of being reborn
Lower energy indicates a body happy to just "be"
Higher energy is the source of providing natural ecstasy
Desires continue as dreams will forever unfold
Revealing and cherishing that existence is pure gold...
Finding the way without motions and movement means recovery
It's in a sense of stillness but where adventures seem flowing
And each one contributes to the physical and mental growing
Not going nowhere but getting everywhere, fast
The underlying experiences causing a rising blast
Locking oneself away, shows the opportunities within reach
The visions are endless and aren't justified through speech
Seeing it and holding on so tight, it seems pure bliss
Not letting go is knowing that never shooting guarantees a miss
Waiting so patiently to express and discover every ounce
As solitude shows that a peaceful mind encourages that daily bounce
Bubbling and brewing as stillness catches the worlds eye
Nobody can imagine the power of letting go, in order to fly
The energy is not superficial but of a higher form
A flutter through the core is a sign of being reborn
Lower energy indicates a body happy to just "be"
Higher energy is the source of providing natural ecstasy
Desires continue as dreams will forever unfold
Revealing and cherishing that existence is pure gold...
Huummm.. beer...
I'm pleased to say that I've, yet again, gotten through another weekend without going crazy for a party. I can miss it so so much.
The feeling wasn't that bad this weekend. On some weekends it can make me go insane, the thought that the whole world is partying, except for me. I really can feel so sorry for myself at times, when I know I shouldn't. It's not important, and there are plenty of party nights awaiting me. Maybe they aren't top of list anymore.. Maybe I've lost the taste for it.. Maybe I don't want booze anymore.. Maybe I like the feeling of not abusing my body.. Maybe I don't want to feel out of control anymore.. Maybe I've learned to contain myself and I won't feel the need to drink myself stupid anytime I even smell alcohol. Over the past weeks I've been looking at photo's and most of them are of me holding a bottle of beer. And I look at it, and it just appeals to me so much. I can almost taste the beer, just by seeing it in the photo. But at the same time, as I see a bottle of beer I can instantly feel the hangover and exhaustion that follows in the morning.
I haven't had a drink for weeks, maybe even months. To be exact, since the middle of August I've had 1 shot of whiskey. It might sound like I'm fighting a different addiction, when I put it like that, but it can still be a big thing. I remember how I used to be with drink before I came back to Ireland. I was awful and looking back now, it was almost repulsive. The abuse I put myself through and I intentionally did it, as often as I could. If I would have been able, I would have partied every night. Back then, I wasn't eating properly, so the drink was effecting me more than it otherwise would have done.
The past week, I've had visions of the "morning after the night before". Whenever I had been drinking I'd lie on my sofa all day, if I didn't have to work. I wouldn't eat, because I had drank too much "empty calories" the night before. All I would do, was drink at least 4 or 5 liters of green tea to get all the alcohol out of my system. I wasn't physically able to do anything all day, because I hadn't eaten. Even a phone-conversation was too much. But that was fine, because I had had a great night and I was just punishing myself..trying to find the balance I suppose. How lifeless I felt was unreal but only natural considering my state of health back then.
Sometimes I think it might be good to just never drink again. But if I enjoy it so much, then I should need to have some now and then, to keep the craving at bay, just like having some chocolate on occasion as well. Now I've gotten to the stage, where I'm not sure I'll be able to stop drinking if I start.. But no, that's not true. Of course I'll be able to stop. I don't have a problem with drink, it's the food that's the issue and I'm not going to talk myself into having a problem either. Now I'm just babbling on, and making no sense at all.
It doesn't have to be a big deal. I'm just still getting over the restrictions I had myself under. I had, as by magic, cast a spell over me, making myself believe that alcohol should also become a "forbidden pleasure"..just like chocolate. I've overcome the chocolate, so alcohol should also be do-able.
Signing off now..not that I was intending on talking about alcohol..but it was obviously playing on my mind..
The feeling wasn't that bad this weekend. On some weekends it can make me go insane, the thought that the whole world is partying, except for me. I really can feel so sorry for myself at times, when I know I shouldn't. It's not important, and there are plenty of party nights awaiting me. Maybe they aren't top of list anymore.. Maybe I've lost the taste for it.. Maybe I don't want booze anymore.. Maybe I like the feeling of not abusing my body.. Maybe I don't want to feel out of control anymore.. Maybe I've learned to contain myself and I won't feel the need to drink myself stupid anytime I even smell alcohol. Over the past weeks I've been looking at photo's and most of them are of me holding a bottle of beer. And I look at it, and it just appeals to me so much. I can almost taste the beer, just by seeing it in the photo. But at the same time, as I see a bottle of beer I can instantly feel the hangover and exhaustion that follows in the morning.
I haven't had a drink for weeks, maybe even months. To be exact, since the middle of August I've had 1 shot of whiskey. It might sound like I'm fighting a different addiction, when I put it like that, but it can still be a big thing. I remember how I used to be with drink before I came back to Ireland. I was awful and looking back now, it was almost repulsive. The abuse I put myself through and I intentionally did it, as often as I could. If I would have been able, I would have partied every night. Back then, I wasn't eating properly, so the drink was effecting me more than it otherwise would have done.
The past week, I've had visions of the "morning after the night before". Whenever I had been drinking I'd lie on my sofa all day, if I didn't have to work. I wouldn't eat, because I had drank too much "empty calories" the night before. All I would do, was drink at least 4 or 5 liters of green tea to get all the alcohol out of my system. I wasn't physically able to do anything all day, because I hadn't eaten. Even a phone-conversation was too much. But that was fine, because I had had a great night and I was just punishing myself..trying to find the balance I suppose. How lifeless I felt was unreal but only natural considering my state of health back then.
Sometimes I think it might be good to just never drink again. But if I enjoy it so much, then I should need to have some now and then, to keep the craving at bay, just like having some chocolate on occasion as well. Now I've gotten to the stage, where I'm not sure I'll be able to stop drinking if I start.. But no, that's not true. Of course I'll be able to stop. I don't have a problem with drink, it's the food that's the issue and I'm not going to talk myself into having a problem either. Now I'm just babbling on, and making no sense at all.
It doesn't have to be a big deal. I'm just still getting over the restrictions I had myself under. I had, as by magic, cast a spell over me, making myself believe that alcohol should also become a "forbidden pleasure"..just like chocolate. I've overcome the chocolate, so alcohol should also be do-able.
Signing off now..not that I was intending on talking about alcohol..but it was obviously playing on my mind..
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