Finding the answer

Getting away from it all and doing as I wish. It's as simple as going upstairs to isolated bliss. I once heard to be inspired you need some distance.. Between you and the world to venture into the world of your own. You should block out all the sounds and doings and beings that can distract and make you feel onedge. All the things that can lead you away from what it is that's brewing inside. That way, you make your own world so much bigger. The imagination expands so your world becomes a beautiful place. Even if you're surrounded by the same things that made you angry or sad or confused or unhappy only hours, days or weeks ago. The same surroundings but seen in different light. Seen through tortured eyes or bright eyes. Whatever way you decide to perceive the place you're in, that will also be the way it will bring you up and pull you down.

Needing something, anything just to feel like I'm getting away. Just to feel like I'm doing something. Just to feel like I'm doing good. Just to know that there is more than 4 walls that have gradually become my world. Closing off for a reason. Not to let Anna control my mood. Not to listen to her telling me I'm worthless. Not to let her be the boss of me. I'm my own boss and therefore I decide why it is that I might need to NOT be around anybody. Making my own world bigger by making it smaller. Opening the window just to hear to sound of life outside that reassures me I'm not alone even though I've chosen to be just that at this moment in time.

So, I sit and I wait. For something to happen? For me to overwhelmed by life itself? Seeking inspiration and letting my imagination run wild and reading and reading and reading..words that I never thought I'd ever understand or be able to relate to any way possible. But I can, as I've grown.

My head makes my world bigger or smaller. Right now, I choose for my world to be made bigger by trying to look beyond the 4 walls that surround me.

I can feel so annoyed by just the thought of normal things. I want them but I don't. I want to go for a walk, but I don't. I want fresh air, but I don't. I want to shop, but I don't. Do I give in to the feeling of wanting to be active or do I give in to the feeling of wanting to withdrawn? Do I need contact with other people than my Ma, Sean, Eileen and Diann? Do I miss my friends because I'm alone or do I miss them because they mean the world to me?

Am I rambling now to make sense of anything? Or am I just filling time, hoping that any second now, something is going to happen or something will pop into my head or the feeling of not being able to face the world but knowing I can and secretly wanting to, will leave? Am I making this feeling stronger by doing what I'm doing right now.. which is pretty much nothing.. Am I giving in or should I push? But do I want to push? Am I bothered? I know there's so much more and I want it so badly but I can't stand to be faced with the harsh fact of what's real and what's not.

Because what's real is that I've not a clue what to do and where to go. Is it just at this moment in time? Is it just today, Saturday afternoon? Or is it about the rest of my life? Is it the fear of what wil happen in January? Is it me bursting to get out and be myself? It is me bursting to express myself in every which way I can, but my body not letting me to? What is the answer? How will I know? Who will tell me? What shall I do?

Today, tomorrow, next week, next month. The same thing will be happening over and over again. Everyday I wake up and the same thing happens as the day before. Going to sleep at night is just to fill the hours. Other than that, there is no real meaning. There's isn't anything different to look forward to tomorrow, that will be anyway different than what I had to look forward to today..Food is all I have. When will it end? Will it ever end? Or will life just be like this forever? Me constantly picking myself up when I'm down. Everyday looking forward to the next meal because that's all have for company? Will life forever be throwing me all this **** at me and never just leave me alone and let me be?

Will I forever be dealing with things that are so difficult and therefore never be able to properly enjoy myself? Will there always be something in the way? Something stopping me from being the person I want to be? Will I forver be worried about how people will be judging me? Why is this a problem? Why can't I let myself be just who I am? Am I scared of what others might think or am I talking myself into a hole right now that's only getting deeper and deeper and therefore it will be harder to get myself out of again but I'll have to because getting myself out of deep holes and picking myself up after being struck down is what I'm supposed to be doing..forever..

How can a person try to stay so positive and up-beat, all the time..constantly, each and every day when they, at the same time, feel jealous and envious of people who are eating healthy and looking healthy and who are able to go out and about and meet friends and have a drink or two and care about fashion and about how they look and aim for goals and plan ahead.. How can somebody in their right frame of mind, do this? When someone sees it and has experienced it and therefore knows just how amazing life is, how can they be expected to keep this up without feeling like * **** ** ****...?? How is it possible? Who can answer this?

Can it be answered? I suppose I'm the only one who can figure this one out. I've done it before so I'll do it again, whether or not it sucks the life out of me in the process.

Leaving Survivor-Mode

The eyes open up and it's clear you did survive
The healing could been taken as a sign you were alive

So dark were the days and you longed for something bright
You never thought the end could ever be within sight

But you deserve to see it after the energy is not to grieve
Instead it's there for the process of healing to be achieved

Not sticking to the title or idea that surviving is all you yearned
As the knowlegde is there to tell you there's so much to be learned

Going with the flow that the soul has secretly been taking
Not pushing against that energy inside that's a dream in the making

The next stage is awkward, is different, but is exciting and is new
It's the time to put into practice all you thought would never be you

Uneasiness arises as you question your thought but ignore your fear
Trying to listen to your intuition as it continues to steer

To thrive once the healing is done, is definitely your destiny
So letting go of the survivor-mode will make you yours for eternity

To survive, to heal and to thrive from your amazing deed
Is what is intended and deep down it's what you need

Not to wallow in the title, but to listen to your laughter
As surviving and healing were needed to thrive for ever after..

Layers and layers

Digging - To find a deapth you never knew
Digging - To appreciate what is pure and true
Digging - To discover the person that is you
Digging - To clear the clouds covering the blue

Finding - To realize exactly what's there
Finding - To search for what your weren't aware
Finding - To answer the question or dare
Finding - To question the answer that's unfair

Discovering - To recognize what its like to be free
Discovering - To stay in touch with 2 layers of me
Discovering - To do and feel how you want to be
Discovering - To fly as high as the eye can see

Underneath the layers and layers a person emerges who has remained unseen
You are the one that knows the importance and what it will eventually mean
Who does what with this or that, is a choice that only one person can make
The person this regards, knows it deep down where all is real and nothing is fake
Trying and trying, searching and searching, as each day turns into another
Nothing to loose and everything to gain as the journey is to reveal and recover

It's all in there, but who chooses to see and when it's seen, where it should lead
You'll know the answers if you nourish the growth of what once started as a seed
What a person wants, doesn't determine what's right, wrong, good or bad
It's only the essence of the truth that will make you feel everything but sad
The real thing is within sight and reach, as it's right there for the taking
It turns out to be an adventure to grasp and therefore a miracle in the making..

Inspired by Oprah

Walking around the place, not knowing what I should be doing with myself. I feel so uneasy, it's frustrating. I've picked myself up this morning. I was starting to come down, massively. I went back to bed, where I wanted to stay, but no, I didn't, I got up again. It was noon and I didn't want to see anybody and didn't want to make eye contact either.. That can always seem to be hardest thing in the world whenever I'm feeling bad..

To look in the eyes, to read them and see what's really going on underneath, that in itself can tear me apart.. not to mention the other bad feelings going on underneath. I felt so bad and couldn't look at myself. I've gotten so old. But I still don't feel mature enough or independent. A 25-year-old staring back at me, that looks like hell. Is that what has to get me through life? That person staring back at me.. It's me, getting older each day, each week, each month. Like everyone else I suppose.

I was watching Oprah yesterday.. sometimes she's great other times I don't think that much of her. But yesterday she was talking about middle aged women..all above 50(is it safe to say that being 50 is middle-aged??I don't want to offend anybody) and they were getting in touch with their true selves. They were slowing down. They weren't living and running through life like they did in their 20's and 30's.. No, not anymore.. They were finding out who they really were. I sat there, and it was all old news to me. These women were twice my age and I knew more about what they were going through than they probably knew themselves. I felt so old as I realized this.. My god, is this what's it's going to be like?

Yeah, I'm learning so much and I'm on a journey and I'm finding out who I really am.. but does that make me an old soul?? If I can relate to what these middle-aged women are going through.. Then is that me? I'm only 25!! I should be still running through life and doing and going.. this process should be a part of my life in 20 years time!! Not when I'm still in prime..(or I might be slowly passing my prime..now that I've realized I probably have more in common with women who are twice my age).

This makes me feel so so so old. It doesn't help that I'm stuck in this house, not really able to run that marathon that I've always wanted to run or hold down a job without bailing or not able to go for a long weekend away, without going crazy and missing my bed.. says she who would, in normal circumstances, been happy to sleep on the hard ground under the stars, with a sleeping bag for comfort..

All my friends, and people of my own age as well, are all going about their lives, not a worry in the world and acting their age. But me? Of course not.. Why is it that I'm always in a different place, going through some ordeal or another and at a different stage in my life, than everyone else? I've never been the "normal" one. The one who has stability and the one people can rely on. People never know where I am to depend on me. Or sometimes I not able to deal with other people's problems because I've got too much going on with myself (like at this moment in time) which also makes me undependable. But I would love for nothing more than to be there for all the people in my life..

I've never been "normal"..I've always had money problems, I've always had to lean on others, I've always been aiming for something or planning something while everyone else who is important to me, has stability and a secure home.. They have their lives sussed while Niamh still runs around like a headless chicken trying to take on the world in the space of 2 years. While people look at my life and think to themselves: "Niamh.. settle down and get a grip on reality!!" (I've never actually ever heard anybody say this, but I know for certain there are people who think this..)

Why is that there's has always been something going on with me, to stop me from building a normal life and having a stable home? Why do I care about this? Where is all this coming from? I can't answer that. But I know that I don't want to be a wise old soul at the age of 25. It seems unnatural but it's obviously the way it's meant to be and I reckon it is all happening for a reason. I also know that I've chosen to live my life the way I have done and with that life that I wanted and I still dream of having, comes an unstable being, comes financial instability, comes not having a home, comes not having normality. But normality is different for everyone. I want what's not normal to others, to be normal for me. So something's got to give. I can't live my dream at the same time as having stability.. Everyone wants it all, but that's impossible..

I can't have it all..Not when my dream is to travel and write and travel and write for as long as I want to. Not when my dream is for my home to be my backpack. Not when my dream is to earn money without working a normal 9 to 5 job. Not when my dream is to earn money doing what I love the most. Not when my dream is for everyday to be an adventure, no matter how big or small. An adventure can be hidden in every little detail that isn't part of my daily routine. It's something different and something new. Right now, an adventure for me is to walk to the garage. It depends on the situation and circumstances a person lives in as to what a person can class in their eyes as being an adventure..

So, am I living the dream? It doesn't feel like it. Am I working towards it? I hope so. No matter how old my soul has gotten, over the past months, the love I have for life, has also gotten stronger. Because I know what it's like not to be able to reach for the stars, when that's all I've ever wanted. So surely I can thrive on this power and energy I have bursting inside of me, that so badly wants to get out (and the only way I can let it out at the moment, is by ticking away on this keyboard). Surely I'm still in my prime and this period in my life will give me the chance to finally express to the world how much I love it? All the energy I want and need and am saving up so eagerly to get through this, will lead me to where I want and more importantly NEED to be?? Out there, on the big open road.. just me, myself and I.. a wise old soul, with no stability and nothing to fall back on, only the reassurance of having strength and wisdom within. Surely that should be enough?? Because at the moment, that's all I reckon I'll have..

So, in actual fact, I have got a lot.. It's not mainstream and that's what I wanted. It's not the way I planned to make my dream possible but the strength and wisdom is what I need in order to make it happen. So I'll get there.. I don't know how or when. But it's going to happen sooner or later.. Life is soon give me a break and I'll be needing it.

Heaven in a the press

A piece of heaven, that I'd fogotten all about
Dark and messy but yummy as it melts in my mouth
It was hidden in the press and then a yellow cover
And I've finally got the courage and now rediscover
The chocolate flake is at present, being consumed
Fay is enjoying as Anna is raging and feeling fumed
What a delicious treat, I cannot say outloud
The first bite and I'm speechless but not very proud
Only a half and the rest might make it's way to the bin
To wipe that image from my brain and to undo this sin
But it cannot be bad, as I'm enjoying every bite
Dark chocolate can't be beaten, there's just no fight
I was hungry to start so maybe the timing was wrong
But for not overindulging I now still feel strong
I crumbled and ate 1 half but that's enough for now
The other half can wait but it not that Anna won't allow
I don't want anymore chocolate, at this moment in time
Right now, there's no guilt so it's all pretty fine
It's important that I feel okay as a craving is cured
So the quantity is irrelevant and guilt isn't endured
To keep the dark chocolate company, there's a cup of tea
It's peppermint to encourage my stomach to shout with glee
The chocolate is gone and now I must keep the eating going
Not cutting out food trying to save my stomach from growing
The old habit has to break down no matter how bad it feels
A piece of chocolate cannot interfere with my other meals
So lunchtime is here and I forget what I ate 2 minutes ago
I can't not feel hungry or act as if I don't know
The moment has gone and another mealtime shall begin
I've only done good by a battle I've succeeded to win
A little piece of heaven to enjoy, that was so nearby
The day will continue as always so for now, I say goodbye...

Achieving by Christmas

On Monday I was talking to Diann about Christmas. She reckons it's one of the most difficult time of year for people with eating disorders, or recovering for one. It's because of what it has become associated with.. eating, drinking and being merry.

Of course it depends on the stage a person is at in the process of recovery that also determines what it is that brings up the most stress.. Besides the fact that the food is always the biggest issue.. Is it the expectations you feel that people around you have from your mood? Is it the guilt for feeling happy, loved and deserving of everything good that comes along with this festive season? Does the joy that it's supposed to bring people, bring on a depressed state of mind that was already there but is only strengthened because of everyone being in high spirits? Is it one of the first times that you'll let yourself enjoy yourself, ignore Anna, eat the food without feeling like a pig, be merry and let yourself feel high on life from the love you feel surrounded by, without letting the guilt get you down?

It could be any of the above, depending on if and when the journey to good health began. For me.. I'm not too sure. I'm allowed to enjoy myself, I can and not feel guilt. I can have some wine or whatever, and not care. I can feel loved and know I deserve it. I'm not too sure about showing others how good I'm feeling and how much I love them. Sometimes I can show it, other times I can't. Sometimes it feels right, other times it makes me feel like ****. Being in familiar surroundings, helps me so much to feel at ease. I'm at home. I'm safe. I'm loved. I can and will be just me and I'll take each day as it comes.

Months ago, or even a year ago, Christmas 2008 was going to be the time that I would be traveling again. I was going to be in Mexico, teaching English and living one of many many dreams. That was my initial plan, back in March, April, May... But that changed back in June. I came to Ireland and I had myself convinced that I was going to be back on my feet and fighting fit, by Christmas 2008..

That wasn't realistic however and I could never have known back then what these months were going to be like and how my body would or wouldn't be able to keep up with my head. I could never have known the toll everything would take and how hard it would all turn out to be. I could never have known that by keeping Christmas in my head as an indication as to when I should be back feeling full of beans again and thriving on life, was me living like I've always lived: obsessing about time, pushing myself too far in such a relatively short space of time, stressing more about what life I was missing out on and how time was passing me by. All this would have led me to not fully appreciate what's been going on with me the past months and therefore would not have embraced it all.

Thinking this way, was doing me more harm than good. I had to change this way of thinking and adjust my "goal".. First of all.. I had to get rid of that word.. "goal".. It's not good to have that word haunting me in my sleep. The only thing it seems to do is put me under stress and force me to live for everything else and to not see the experiences that I'm so blessed to be having at this very moment.. By doing exactly that, I would have let the life I'm living at this very moment, pass me by. So the word "goal" has been erased from my mind..for now anyhow. Then the goalpost, which was Christmas, had to erased. I only did this a few months ago after I "confessed" to Diann, that by Christmas I wanted to be out of here. No, Niamh, that's not good!! Diann got through to me and made me see sense. I know now, it wasn't in my best interest to think like that. So Christmas was no longer classed as a "measurement" as to how much I've achieved.. I've gotten rid of it.

So, what happens now? I'm not in Mexico, I'm not back to full health (not just yet, but I'm getting there), I'm not working and I'm in Arklow. So, should I automatically stress and worry about food? Pressure myself into being the happiest person on the planet, JUST because it's Christmas? Do I stuff myself just to prove I'm getting better?
Well, all of the about aren't really options that excite me, to be honest. They wouldn't be the answer to my dilemma.. A dilemma that doesn't really need to classed as that but it's what I've made it into by analyzing too much..yet again. But he-ho. I'm not worried about that right now.

Diann said that it's good to maybe start associating Christmas with others things than I've usually done. That's what she started to do, once she through her worst stages of Anna. If I were to continue to associate Christmas with what's been troubling me the most the past few years.. fatty foods.. then it will continue to haunt me, forever. That's what I'll automatically think about when the festive season is approaching. This, in turn, could mean that could I'd grow to hate it, or not fully appreciate it.

I always love Christmas so much. Year after year, I'd be like a child on Christmas morning. I'd be the most excited. I'd always be counting down the days. I'd always see it as the most important time of the year. But the food issues seem to have overshadowed the build-up and the excitement of being around family and everyone being in high spirits and full of love and life.. Such a problem it's become that the rest of what this time of year means, doesn't seem as important, which saddens me in a way.

If I could start a tradition, for myself, this Christmas and carry it on year after year then it might not be about me needing to stuff my face with **** all day long. That way, eating lots or hardly nothing, won't determine the enjoyment around this season. Everyone associates it with family too. I do as well, but I know I'm not always going to be around family. So if that's the main thing for Christmas to be a joyous one, then there'll be years that I'll still dread it.. because of not being surrounded by my family AND because of the food issues.. Is this making sense? I don't know..

It might sound like I don't want to be around family at this time of year, but of course I do, because I love them to bits and they're my world. But I'd like for me to have a tradition for ME.. Something that will excite me again whenever I'm traveling and the world is feeling happiness and love by being surrounded by family and eating enormous amounts of foods, and I'm not. It will mean that I'll be fine being without my family (even though I'll miss them always). It will mean that I won't stress about calories when I think about Christmas. It would have a slightly different meaning. Maybe an extra special meaning. No matter where I am or who I'm with, it will be a special time of year for me, if I can carry on a certain tradition that is mine and that I've started to associate Christmas with. Something I can do or be, feel or listen to or experience, no matter what else is going on in my life..

It might sound slightly off-the-wall and for some who don't appreciate Christmas they probably won't see the big deal. But as it was always always always such an important time of the year and meant so much to me, it means a lot for Anna to NOT ruin it for me for good. What a shame that would be. This is a subject that will keep my mind ticking over and my fingers ticking on this keyboard for the next week.. Hummm...

Heart up-date

Christmas..it's an issue.. Eating an apple..it's not an issue, but what I'm substituting it for, is an issue.. there's the flake in the press, still calling my name after 7 days of being neglected. God. I have to have it. I have to eat it. But I've already had a muesli bar, that's just over 100 calories.. more than the usual muesli bar I eat each day, which would only contain 70.. But then, what's 30 calories more or less..

I'm getting totally off course here. I didn't mean to bring that up. I've just got chocolate on the brain at the moment. I was suddenly reminded of when I was a kid, it was Christmas time. I think it was our first or second Christmas living in Holland, so I was 9 or 10. On Christmas day I ate so much chocolate that in the middle of the night I was throwing up and being real sick. Why am I thinking about this? Who cares? Doesn't everybody do that as a kid? This apple I'm munching on, is real tasty.. I have to stop analyzing food and chocolate, because it's just turning my stomach and making me not want to eat..

So, on a cheerier note.. I went to the doctor on Monday, to get my heartscan done. I lay on the table, was connected to this machine and guess what.. My heart is beating.. Yeah, and it's better than last time. Which was in July or August.. months ago anyhow. Back then it was 35 beats a minute. Now it's 60. What an improvement.

All the nutrition, food, rest and extra weight I'm carrying.. That's what it does. The heart muscle is still weak, but that can only get stronger with time. If there has been an improvement, then doctor reckons that there's no need for me to visit the cardiologist. Apparently Ma tried to get an appointment months ago, but we never heard anything back from them. Either way, there's no need anymore.

The irregularity I feel in my chest, is just my heart getting stronger again. The fact that the muscle is still weak, causes the flutters as well. It's all working hard, inside my chest, to get back to how it should be and that's what I think I've been feeling from time to time. The muscle in the heart is like any other muscle. It needs to be trained and it needs protein to gain strength and to grow. Seeing as though I can't run a marathon just yet, I can't train my heart muscle in that sense, but the resting and eating is doing enough work for the moment. Once I'm strong and fighting fit again, that's when I can start running and walking again, and strengthen my heart even more.

Listen to me.. I think I'm getting slightly carried away with myself. But I can only hope..as I continue to munch on this apple, that's turning a light shade of brown because it's taking me so long to eat it.. So, back to my heart. Yeah, that was good news I suppose. Ma was delighted. Me on the other hand, I can't seem to fully appreciate what it could have meant if there hadn't been an improvement or if there had been any other complications with my heart. There was a time, when I would have wanted it to be as bad as it could get, just as proof that I've done myself enormous damage. But now, I wouldn't think that. But a feeling of being ecstatic about these good results?.. no, I didn't get that either..

I had a short chat to Nick, the doctor, when I was there, too. He said I was looking a little better. There was a little sparkle back in my eyes.. but not a lot.. I told him, I thought I'd put back on 10 kilo's. He wouldn't believe me. Thankfully he didn't put me on the scales either and just like Diann has told me so often, he also said, weight is only a number. At the end of the day, that's not what it's about. It's about eating, it's about a strong heart, it's about vitality and it's about bright eyes.

Last Christmas...

"It's the most wonderful time of the year.. "
Or so the Christmas song goes. It's that time of the year again and it came out of nowhere.. It's only 7 days to Christmas day.
As the song goes.. I usually WOULD think it's the most wonderful time of the year. But this year, I'm not too sure what to make of it.

There's so much to say on the subject. So many things that I thought I would be doing by now, so many things I thought I'd be capable of by now, so many visions I had months ago of where I'd be right now, so many things that are associated with Christmas that can no longer be the reason for my Christmas to be a magical one, so many altered opinions as to how and why this should be the best time of the year and that's not even mentioning the mental pressure I put upon myself for Christmas be to the best and the expectations I have from myself as to how I should be and act and feel on the big day.

I was talking to Diann about it on Monday. It's been slowly building up over the past weeks. To be honest, even back in July I would think about Christmas dinners and all the food that I'll be expected to eat. But it's really only started to play on my mind ever since I got back from Holland 3 weeks ago. I've been trying to gear myself up for it and to save my energy as well as trying to deal with my head every day, trying to pick myself up when I'm feeling down and trying to push the boundaries a little bit more each week (I'm not going to push the boundaries each day anymore, but from now on, each week..that's a better time-scale I reckon..not as much pressure).

The thing that was worrying me the most, was of course the food. That goes without saying. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? For most people it is. On the telly, on the radio, in the shops.. it's everywhere.. chocolate, sweets, roast dinner, pudding, cream, alcohol.. on and on the list goes. In the build-up to Christmas, some people do their best to loose weight so they can pig out at Christmas and put back on the weight. Then after Christmas the dieting starts.. "Loose that Christmas weight and get thin for the summer holidays!". So for the majority of people, Christmas IS about eating. I think of it now, and I just makes me want to be sick.. Even though I enjoy food now and I like most of the Christmas traditional grub. But the amount is just nausiating.

The past years, Christmas has gotten harder and harder. My family will never forget, 3 Christmasses ago, when I heard on the radio that each person eats around 6000 calories on Christmas day. They hated me for saying that and the worst thing was they all thought that I had sat down and calculated the amount.. No, back then I THAT obsessed, however I did go running on boxing day, to burn off all the fat I had eaten the day before and I couldn't and didn't speak to anybody for the remainder of the day, for being in such a foul mood. I didn't really know why it effected me so much and I had no idea what was going on.. Maybe now I do.

2 years ago, I was in Oz, which was a blessing in disguise. I missed my family so so much and was a little home-sick at the thought of missing out on all the fun. On the other hand, it meant I didn't have to indulge or worry about being confronted with or expected to eat fattening food. I was by the beach, with people I was traveling with. We drank beers all afternoon and had a kebab for our Christmas dinner. It was great, I had no worries..

Last year, wasn't great. No, that's not true. Being around everybody was great, just being around all the food, wasn't. It started Christmas eve. We were all sleeping in Orla's house and having a bit of a "drinking night in, with nibbles". So I didn't have dinner, because I knew there would be lots to eat and beer to drink. I had beers and then I was picking at chocolates (After eight's..humm) and bread with dips, all evening. The next morning.. the dreaded fry-up. This was the meal that was going to be the worst. Because it was the meal I didn't want and didn't deserve. I dreaded starting the day, with fatty food and carrying that unhealthy feeling with me for the rest of the day. I wanted muesli. But other years, I would always have some fry-up so of course Ma was trying to get me to eat some. Just to please Ma, I had some scrambled egg on toast, which made it look like I had eaten something fatty and that I wasn't scared of fatty foods.

Between breakfast and dinner, I had 4 pieces of chocolate (Cadbury Roses). And then, I went upstairs, and weighed myself.. All was okay, because I was 38 kilo's. Which I remember shocked me, because it was the first time I ever weighed less than 40. At that stage, I had been back in Holland 6 weeks, since my travels, I hadn't weighed myself, because I didn't have access to a weighing scales. So after 6 weeks living a normal life, thinking I was eating properly, and listening to friends and family telling me how skinny I'd gotten, I had managed to loose 2 kilo's.. And I felt amazing.. because I didn't feel I had made a huge effort to loose these 2 kilo's. It was a strange feeling. But I had lost them and that was great. Especially to discover this on Christmas day!! Just before sitting down to the most fattening dinner I had eaten in probably 2 years.. It was like the best Christmas present ever!

And then it was time to enjoy the Christmas dinner. The roast. I was hungry and had been gearing myself up for it, and hadn't eaten properly because of it and had just discovered I had lost 2 kilo's... So I was allowed to "indulge"!!!Bring on the turkey!! And lets go totally overboard and have some roast potatoes-even though they were baked in oil and butter and drenched in gravey!!! I had to have lots of veggies..to make up for the fat I was feeding myself and the abuse I was putting my body through. I had dessert.. or no, come to think of it, I had an Irish coffee instead. The rest of the night I drank whiskey on the rocks and didn't eat anything else.

I felt so good, for not stuffing my face. Because if I would have stuffed my face, I would have been in a foul mood and would have hated myself so much. But I don't think it's only people with eating disorders who feel so awful when they stuff their faces.. Doesn't everybody hate the bloated feeling, the feeling you can't breathe properly or the food might come back up again, the feeling that you've put on 5 kilo's in the space of 2 hours and the feeling like you'll never ever be hungry again. Isn't that awful?? To everybody?? But the difference might be, that people with eating disorders hate THEMSELVES after overeating and people who don't have a disorder just hate the FEELING after overeating..

Anyhow, all this food-talk isn't doing me much good at the moment as I sit in the kitchen, listening to Christmas songs on the radio.. All this Christmas joy.. or just worry about food..

A personal touch

Another day, in this life of mine.
I'm just back from acupuncture. Ralph (a.k.a. Mr. Acupuncturist) has broken his arm. So the woman who treated me a few months ago, Breda, will be treating me the next 4 to 6 weeks.. depending on how soon Ralph gets back to normal.

Breda is so nice. Not nicer or better than Ralph, just nice and different. For a start, she's a woman.. and she shows more compassion than Ralph, but I reckon that's a gender issue.. Anyhow, she hadn't seen me for nearly 2 months and she couldn't believe how well I was looking. She said she had been reading my file before I came in saying that Ralph was so pleased with the progress I'm making. He's told me this before, I know, but not in so many words. She said, that I seemed more focused and stronger (apparently Ralph wrote that in my file as well) and calmer too.

Ralph popped in to see how I was doing, which was so thoughtful. He was worried that there wouldn't be anyone to cover for him, while he was off mending his broken arm. He said that because I've been getting so much stronger and that the acupuncture has been helping so much that it's vital, at this stage in the process, the treatment doesn't get disrupted. To miss out on treatment, because of his injury, would only mess up the work that the acupuncture has already done and continues to do. Thankfully I won't miss any treatments, as Breda will be filling in.

It was so nice, that he was worried about his injury interfering with my recovery and treatment. I didn't really expect it. It just goes to show.. To him, I'm a client he treats every week and this would always lead me to believe that it's not really about me and I'm just another tortured soul, nothing more, nothing less. I would ask myself, why should he care if I start to go backwards or if I'm not doing too well or if I'm in a bad place? But he does. The fact that he came in to see me today, as he expressed his concern, showed me this.

Him and Breda were then talking about the herbs I take and just general chit-chat about me. Nothing bad. It was so personal and it made me feel like I was an individual who's receiving help from these people that care about where I'm heading and who want me to be back to full health as soon as possible, just like me. That personal touch is so overwhelming. It didn't help that I was feeling emotional this morning..that's probably why I picked up on it and felt it so much.

I'm not just a number, I'm a person. Yes, I know they're doing their job, but there are only certain types of people who can do a job like that, the way it's supposed to be done. I appreciated it so much and it made me see how important it is, to feel comfortable.

The treatment itself, was a glorious one (I hate using that word 'glorious', but I don't really know what other way to put it). Okay, I could say, it was great. But that doesn't cut it. Glorious means that it was uplifting and relieving because I was soaring and floating feeling numb and at the same time the inside of my chest was opening-up and growing. It was all in the feeling of course, this didn't really happen and wouldn't have been visible on the outside..

Afterwards I could feel inside my chest, that something had happened. I felt like I had run a marathon. A slightly warm glowing feeling in my heart, but the rest of me was relaxed. It's strange going from feeling so floaty and light to engaging with the world again and using the strength in my legs and arms after feeling like my muscles had gone on strike, only moments earlier. And then walking to the taxi and chatting again and switching on but trying to keep ahold of that chilled-out feeling, so you can enjoy it as much as possible. Because after the treatment, that's how the most benefits can be felt.. a relaxed body and zoned-out state of mind letting the therapy work in whatever way it needs to.

I was wanting to go out and about this afternoon. But I was told to take it easy. Especially after feeling so bad the past few days. The feeling I had in my stomach on Tuesday afternoon and Tuesday night, came back yesterday afternoon again. I thought it had gone, yesterday around lunchtime, but maybe because I didn't let myself rest enough, yesterday morning, it came up again. So I only have myself to thank for that. I'm not sure what it was, that was going on in my gut but Breda said it could be that I was doing too much without resting enough combined with the build-up to Christmas which causes stress and dealing with everything else that's going on in my head, could have been the reason. Then again, it could have just been a virus of some sort that I managed to pick up. Today, however, it feels as though it's totally gone and now I have to force myself to rest all day to avoid it from coming back.. Wise words, but not it's not always easy.

Wednesday afternoon

It's Wednesday afternoon. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday. It wasn't a good day. I was overcome by something in the afternoon and felt absolutely awful.

At around 3 in the afternoon I started feeling really sick and had such an aching stomach. I wanted to be sick, but I couldn't. I felt like there was something huge stuck in my stomach, but I wasn't able to get it out. Moving made me feel queasy, so I had to lie as still as possible. I couldn't read or watch telly. It was all too much. So for hours I lay in bed, waiting for it to pass. I hadn't eaten anything different so I don't where it came from. I wasn't able to have a proper dinner because I felt so full..even though I'd gone for hours without eating properly. I had 2 slices of toast which I had to force down. Feeling so vile, makes it feel so wrong to eat, because at any moment it could come up again. And it feels like it's never going to go away as well. Like that feeling is stuck there for good but you can only wish for it to go away. I had so much other things going around me in my head and an aching in my gut that I didn't know what was happening.

Rest was I needed so I took it. Before going to sleep, I thought it had passed. The feeling had eased off. But then it started in the middle of the night again. I hardly slept a wink. So frustrating! I've been up since 6 this morning. That makes the day so long, when you're not working. I'm not feeling too queasy anymore now. and I've been eating and haven't been back to bed either.

I could have used a stomach bug as an excuse not to eat. But I didn't. I'm passed that stage now. I was even ragging that I wasn't able to have a nice dinner. I wanted some shrimps with noodles and veggies. I was thinking about it yesterday morning and looking forward to it. But then, once I started to feel sick, the thoughts just made me feel worse.

Today I'm feeling the after effects, of not doing much yesterday. I've been too busy all morning. So annoying. I was trying to tell myself not to over-do it. So I've had to force myself to stop and that's what I've done...stopped. But at the moment I'm feeling a little uneasy, on-edge, uncomfortable. I can't seem to rest and my head is fuzzy.

I never can seem to let myself get over things, at a slow pace. Yesterday, I said to myself, that all I'm going to do is rest, as much as possible, the next week. If I have to pay a high price of feeling as bad as I did yesterday, because of over-doing it, then I'm not going to do anything. Those were my thoughts yesterday. But then today.. I'm feeling better, so I'm back to my old pushing, pressurizing and stressing. I'll never learn, no matter how hard I try..

I've been thinking so much about what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. I've been weighing up my options. I'm sometimes scared to think about it too much, because knowing that I can't decide for definite yet and knowing that I can't make it happen just yet either, might drive me insane. I might create problems where there aren't any. But sooner or later I'm going to have to start thinking about it. The thoughts are there, but not yet to be said outloud. A girl can dream and hope and it doesn't have to mean they will or won't come true. But it's the reassurance that's more important, at the moment and it comes from knowing that there's still possibilities and life inside.

Flake-Nuts-Milk

On Monday, as I was chatting to Diann, I was talking about eating and food.. What a surprise! The same old news, over and over again. I'm eating intuitively. How have I been coping with it and how has it been going?

Well, for weeks now, I haven't tried anything new or different. Even though every morning when I wake up I tell myself that I want to challenge myself and that I need to push this a little bit more. The sooner and harder I push, the sooner I'll be able to come off the supplements. Which is something I want so badly right now.

I still drink 2 a day. I've intentionally knocked one off. Doing that, forces me to eat more food and it means I have no choice in the matter and there's no battle or no contemplation: will or I won't I eat.. NO! Instead it's: I HAVE to, so what will it be? I need to eat something extra, because I feel that I can't go about daily things or think straight if my calorie intake is less.

I make it sound so easy, but it's so hard. Even though I've been tempted, I haven't been counting my calorie-intake. I haven't been thinking about the amount I lived on when I was eating according to the food-plan and I haven't been counting how much I live on now. However I do know the amount that's in each individual food. I've always known the amounts and it's something I can't switch off or forget. But it is something that I can learn to not take notice of. I've been trying what and when my needs the food.

Christmas is coming up, so I started telling myself last week, I have to have some chocolate again. I haven't had any since that one piece of snack bar, probably about 2 months ago. If I don't have any before Christmas, I'll be drooling over it or it might freak me out, because the whole Christmas week, I'll be surrounded by it.

Last Friday, I bought a dark Flake. The one I've been thinking about since July. I seen it on the shelf, back then and I wanted it so badly. But things were way too hard back then to even consider challenging myself to indulge. So I bit the bullet last week. But, 5 days later, it's still in the press. It's still there, waiting for me. I was talking to Diann about it. She asked me, if I'm in restraint, with the Flake in the press and not having some. Well, of course I was. I knew it, but I just couldn't eat it for some reason. Sunday afternoon, I wanted to go for it. After lunch, when I wasn't hungry, so I wouldn't stuff my face and feel bad afterwards. I wasn't going to eat it at night either, because then I'd go to bed, thinking about it and feeling bad. Sunday afternoon there was something stopping me and I just couldn't do it. Even though I wanted to challenge myself. The whole battle.. The wanting but not wanting to..

So, this week, I have to have the Flake. It has to be done. Because I want it. I've been thinking about it and I know I'll enjoy it. It's not about having to eat it, because it's fattening. It's about eating it, because I've been craving it for months now.

This brought me to the subject of: Is it bad that I haven't binged, since the start of my recovery? And: Is it normal for people in recovery to have days that they cannot stop eating? Diann said it isn't bad at all that I haven't been binging, because that would be another problem that I'd have to deal with and an extra problem that I really don't need. It's about self-control. Not to NOT eat, but to NOT overeat. The overeating can happen, or could have happened, if I had let it. At one stage, after nearly every meal, I wanted more and more and never felt satisfied. Without self-control, I could have easily started binging. But I think each meal is satisfying me a little more every time so the need for more isn't as overbearing as it used to be.. it used to be so overbearing that at one stage I was hardly able to be in the kitchen after a meal, for fear of eating too much.. I think that's starting to settle. I don't have that feeling as often anymore. If I've come through the hardest stages of recovery without overeating and binging, then it will only get easier. Or so I've lead myself to believe.

Put some nuts in front of me.. I wouldn't go crazy for them anymore. Months ago, nuts would be the thing I would eat myself sick on. I love them so so much, but because of that, I wouldn't let myself indulge.. and on the rare occasion that I would have just a taste, all self-control would have gone out the window and I wouldn't stop. It would always be so bad. These days, I have nuts every morning. So the craving is constantly been cured and now I wouldn't want or feel the need to stuff my face and make myself explode from the nuts driving me nuts..

Then there's milk..When I was growing up all I did was drink milk. Sometimes a litre a day. But that changed a few years ago when I would only have some on my cereal and then it would be skimmed milk, which is alot like water, if you ask me.. But anyhow..the past months, whenever I've asked myself..what do I really want? The thing I would crave the most, would be either yoghurt or milk. At first I thought I was just thinking in my old ways.. being healthy and avoiding starchy or stodgy or fatty foods. But when I think about it, it's the craving that I used to have for milk, that is now catching up with me since I've started to let myself eat whatever it is I want.

Going through all the different foods and worrying if I'm doing it the right or the wrong way, might seem like I'm justifying everything I put in my mouth. But that's not it. It's the thinking behind it that I'm trying to figure out. Those are the answers I find to the questions that arise regarding cravings and nutritional needs. I might have had a lack of calcium for years, and that could well be the reason for all the yoghurt I've been wanting and nuts are just the most delicious nibble or munchie..ever.. In my opinion anyhow.

So, there you have it. There are only so many different food types a person can analyze and feel either good or bad about. Diary products are healthy and good, dark chocolate is yummy and nuts I enjoy everyday..

The true meaning

Restricting.. What is the exact meaning of the word? The dictionary says: to keep within limits, in space, action, choice, intensity, or quantity. I was talking about restrictions and restraints to Diann yesterday. The restrictions are not only bound to food-intake, but also other aspects in life. I've known this and we have spoken about this before, but it wasn't until this week, that I actually felt things that told me I'm in restraint and not doing what I should be doing.

Somedays, when I'm feeling energized, I don't let myself sit down and do what I want to do. I start cleaning or getting annoyed about the most irrelevant little things around the house and I drive myself crazy. This is how I used to operate. Energy was to be used to be active and burn calories and tire myself. This happened during the week. I forced myself to stop the franctic cleaning and do what I wanted to do. I wanted to write. So I did and that's when the stress had gone and when I started to feel calm and happy again. It wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why I massively stress and get angry with all these things I decide to do once I feel energized. It's down to the fact that I'm not doing what I want and need. But the old habits are still there.

After chatting to Diann about this yesterday, she said the disorder is all about restraint, in every way possible. She reckons that I've been working so hard at finding what it is I want to do most and embracing it and listening to it and I've been nearly forcing myself to find out what it is I'm meant to do in life. Doing what it is that I want and what feels good, has been giving me a certain feeling that I'm able to recogize more and more. When the old habits of cleaning when there's nothing to clean and stressing when there's nothing to stress about, start to take control, it feels awful. And that's because I'm working against the process. I'm stopping the flow. I'm not doing what feels right and that's why it can make me feel so bad. Or as Diann said yesterday: It's unnatural to stop a river from flowing and it doesn't feel right.

Deep down, I know that I have to use my energy for what I want to do most, for what I'll benefit from the most and for what feels right. I don't want to use my energy for cleaning, when I know afterwards I'll be exhausted and won't be able to write or enjoy other peoples company, from feeling so disgusting. I have to use my energy for writing, because that's what helps me discover and recover, it helps me to get through the day and it brings me up when I'm feeling down.

The dictionary said: restriction in choice, action, space, intensity and quantity.. Every word I can relate to my life, as I live it right now. I can see in what way I would restrict myself, without wanting to or without being aware, because the old habits are so hard to break. If I tell myself I don't have anything to write, it's Anna. I'm denying myself of my need to express. Writing helps me and that's something Anna doesn't want. It makes me feel good, and that's something Anna doesn't want. Denying myself of what I want to do most in the world, makes me feel bad and that's good for Anna. I would want to write and need to write, as much as I can and as much as I want. If I work against that, my body is telling me I'm NOT doing good by making me feel awful. It's like a warning sign.

It's a battle inside my head. Two things are going on. The bad feelings and the good feelings are there. Deep down, I know what I need and want. I'm at the stage now, that if I act according to my needs, it makes me feel good. Acting against that makes me feel bad. I choose each and every day what it is that I want to do. I choose how to be. I choose how much I eat and when I eat. I choose what and when I write. If I go against the choices I make, I'm restricting myself and it feels bad.

It also suddenly makes sense why I can feel so awful whenever I hear about people traveling. Again, deep down, I NEED to travel. But I'm restricted at the moment, because of Anna. It makes me feel so awful, heart-broken and alone. Sometimes it even makes me feel physically sick and an aching pain arises in my chest. I didn't speak to Diann about this yesteray, but it now makes sense why I can feel that way. Just hearing about another country.. be it New Zealand, Canada, Mexico..and I can feel it coming up.

Not yet being able to travel, and needing it so much, means I'm being restricted in space.. and that feels bad. But a physical restriction can only lifted by recovering. It might feel like a mental restriction. But it's the mental restriction that lead me to be and feel physically restricted...if that makes sense. I wouldn't let myself eat properly, for so long, that I made myself unable to do what it is I want most. Mental and physical restriction are sperate, but they are also one.. Not being able to be active, is also a restriction. Just like the traveling, it will only be lifted by recovering.

So not restricting myself anymore, when it comes to food, will also make it possible for me do what it is I long for the most.. being healthy and active, being healthy and traveling, being healthy and being who I'm meant to be, living the life that's meant for me..a glorious one without Anna.. No restrictions, no restraints, no limits, no boundaries.. The food will eventually give me the wings I've lost..or that I thought I once had, but never really owned.. my wings of freedom..

Isn't it strange just how much your body can tell you what it needs, if you learn to listen to it? In every corner of life.. being and doing, all the time, which keeps us ticking along, living and breathing. I would never have imagined that engaging myself to what I really need from life, would eventually tell me or show me what direction I need to take.. It continues to amaze me.

IT'S JUST FOOD

It's the strangest thing, but the more time that's passing and the more I'm figuring out and discovering about myself, the harder it can seem to be. Not only therapy, but everything. I know it's because I'm seeing more and more what has been going on and I'm more and more able to look back and see how I was, what I've been through and how life-changing these past months have been.

The hour with Diann yesterday, was okay. I mentioned to her, that every week I tell myself how awkward this stage is and how I'm not too happy or comfortable with where I am.. it's not about where I physically am in Arklow, but where I am on the road to recovery. It will continue to feel awkward and uneasy. Each stage is different and each stage is new. That's what can make it feel uncomfortable. Each stage I think I've found my zone, but then I discover more or I feel more or I feel less or I find another piece that slots into this puzzle. Sometimes I feel like I've found my way, but then somthing else comes up that can lead me off course. These things, don't have to be things from the past or from my childhood. They can be things I deal with from day to day. They can be things that are happening around me. They can be people that have a certain effect on me; an effect that they usually wouldn't have, but now the effect is different because I'm in a different place than I once was.

I can't know where I am exactly. Not until the next stage of the journey comes along. It's always on hindsight that I can see what was going on. But isn't that the same with most things in life? The key is to see where I am, when I'm actually there. But I might only be able to that if I'm feeling full of beans, vital and strong. I have days when I feel like this and those are also the days that I see everything clearly and I know exactly what's going on. But on the days that I'm not seeing cleary and not feeling strong, either due to tiredness or insufficient nutrition (even though I'm eating all day long), that's when I don't know where I am and it's when the world a weird and fuzzy place.. because that's how my head feels at that moment.. weird and fuzzy. Those are also the days that I hate where I am, I hate my rolls of fat, I hate my face, I hate it all..except the food.. The food that needs to be my friend and that I need to eat to get to where I want to go..so so badly..

Food will get me there, food will let me know where I am. It will show me how far I still need to go. Without the food, I'll be dazed, fuzzy and angry. Anna will arise and the road will be blurry again. Without enough or preferably too much food, I can't do anything. It's seems logical and normal, but it's not. Too much food should be good for me. Or maybe enough is better.. Too much of anything isn't good. But I eat more than anybody else in this house and I think about food more than anybody else in this house. I suppose that's because I have nature of an eating disorder..

Will food be my answer to all? At moment, I think it will, but it doens't have to be like that. Diann said that soon I'll accept food for what it is.. just food, a source of energy to live life. But right now if I don't tell myself how vital it is for me to eat as much food as possible, I'm afraid my attitude will change and I'll automatically slip back into restricting myself and liking the feeling of hunger.

Today, at this moment in time, the feeling I get when I eat will tell me how I'm doing. But eating right now, won't tell me how I'll be feeling in 2 hours time, or even in 30 minutes time. Right now, it could make me feel good and healthy and satisfied, but in an hour the same food might make me feel fat, ugly and gross. I will never know, not until it happens.

It's all about eating for the moment and the feeling it brings up inside of me. It's what Diann has said to me, a lot of times.. eating for the moment, but also to experience the tomorrow. Without eating one moment, I won't fully experience the next or the next.. I won't push this process to appreciate the next stage of recovery, because my weight might slightly drop or my nutritional needs might not be met. Any kilo I might drop, can trigger Anna which sets the ball rolling and bad feelings will come up with the bad thoughts. But I can never know if that's happening or not..

Eating intuitively, what I struggle with each day, is all about eating for the moment.. Listening to my intuition that will tell me what I need at that moment in time. It can be different from one moment to the next. It's answering to my bodys' needs and not denying myself of anything. If I deny myself of my needs, that's when I'm restricting myself.

Eating has to be about what I need and it has to be about the feeling that arises when I'm eating. THE THINKING BEHIND THE EATING. But nutrition is so important..If I haven't yet got enough carbs to keep the recovery going at a steady pace, then my body will crave potatoes, rice, pasta or bread. I have to listen to these cravings and I also have to feel fine about eating it and appreciate the food and the good it's doing to my body.

The visions of carbs making me stodgy, I have to banish from my mind. The feelings of not deserving something tasty, I have to get rid of. My body is a machine in a way, that needs food to function properly. It needs these foods to do what it's meant to for: living a full and happy life where physical boundaries don't exist.. where a life can be lived without restrictions due to mental boundaries I have created for myself, due to insufficient energy levels, due to denying myself any pleasures or comfort my body needs. I'm only human afterall..

Somedays, I'm okay with eating. Other days I'm not. It depends on what's going on around me and it depends on how I deal with situations. Situations change, like moods change, like energy levels change. Whatever is going on with me both physically and mentally changes too, and will influence my food-intake and my dealings with situations. These are all linked. I'm in the process of learning to see it all as it is and I'll soon learn to see food exactly for what it is.. just food.

Pushing myself

Friday, Saturday and Sunday. 3 days in a row that I was out and about in the afternoon. I was feeling fine on each ocasion I had eaten before leaving the house. So I figured I was energized enough to get me through a couple of hours. But I hadn't. Each day, as I was out, it would suddenly hit me, as if out of nowhere, this awful emptiness along with tiredness. Like a smack in the face. Maybe it was the amount of people around me, maybe it was because I didn't have enough carbs or protein before leaving the house, I'm not too sure. But once I was back home, I couldn't do much. I needed to rest and all I wanted was to eat and eat.

I tried to pace myself, and I think I was. But it wasn't enought. Maybe I just can't do things that require physical exertion without eating for 2 hours. That can't be normal, surely? How can a person work and play, all day long, if they can't go for 2 or 3 hours without eating something. In my case, doesn't that mean that I can't do anything, without preparing myself foodwise? I can't do anything without planning ahead and thinking how long I'll be gone from home and what it is I'll be doing. Do I have to ask myself if I'll need extra calories to make it through the next hours and feel fine? Is this what life is going to be like? Or is it because my body isn't used to going without food for 3 hours and being active at the same time?

But if I've eaten, just before leaving the house then shouldn't that be enough? Apparently it's not. Not at the moment anyhow. My appetite is growing and growing, even after all these months. I thought I had reached my max. I didn't think it would be possible to need more food than I'm already eating. Surely that can't be healthy? Needing so much food..

Yesterday (Monday) it was the same. I was fairly busy, but I had to be because I needed to get things sorted. Me and Ma went to Diann, then did a little xmas shopping in Wexford. Then came back home, and I had to go to the doctor to get a heart scan done, then we stopped at few more shops to get some more shopping done.

I was feeling okay, until I got home and had finished my dinner. I started to feel so strange. So fragile and weak. I had to rest, I had to wind down. I went upstairs and started to feel sick. I thought I was going to vomit. But I didn't give in to that feeling. So I lay as still as I could in bed, and waited for the feeling to pass. Feeling so fragile made me so upset. I don't know why, because I had a good day.

I lay in bed for ages. That's where I needed to stay and I wasn't able to deal with noise and people around me. I started to think I was going crazy and I felt flutters in my chest, like I was running a marathon but I was lying still, staring at the curtains in my room. I then started talking to myself, like a crazy woman. Talking outloud, to coax myself into switching-off all the things that had happened today..talking to Diann, shopping, the doctors, more shopping.. So much. I really thought I was going mad. So I read a book and waited and waited to feel a little better. I would have happily stayed there all night, and would have slept right through until this morning. But I had to eat again, at around 9 or 10 o'clock. That's the only reason I forced myself to get out of bed even though I didn't want to. I felt so good, being alone and in bed. I was giving in maybe, but I didn't have the energy to do much else.

While I was being "busy" yesterday, it all felt okay. I didn't feel like I was overdoing it. I didn't feel distraught. I was fine. It wasn't until I stopped, that it hit me and I wasn't able to start again. It was different from the feeling I felt on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Maybe because yesterday I did more meant I needed more time for the warning signs to come through telling me I had overdone it.

But how am I supposed to know that I'm going to overdo it? It's not until I've done it and I feel that it was too much. I don't plan it. It just happens and on days like yesterday I don't realize it until it's too late. Will I constantly be pushing myself and overdoing it until I'm fighting fit again and able to function actively without needing food every 2 hours? Will I always need to "test the water" as to how much stronger I physically am? What's the best thing to do? Never overdo it and therefore never know where my boundaries are at the moment in time? Or overdo it regularly to feel that each time I can take on a little bit more?...

The past 4 days have shown me that pushing these physical boundaries can be good, if I pick up on the fact that I'm overdoing it, at the right moment, before it's too late. But when I'm thinking about other things and my mind is pre-occupied then I'm not always fully engaged with how I'm feeling. Nobody walks around the shops, constantly asking themselves: Am I walking too fast? Am I standing too long? Are there too many people around me?.. Nobody does that.. maybe only people who don't need to ask themselves this, because they are strong and energized. I'm not, even though I would love for nothing more. It's just how it is at the moment, and I might need to deliberate if I'm overdoing it or not.. constantly. And I figure that if I'm really overdoing it, then the feeling will be stronger and maybe even overbearing so I won't be able to ignore it, no matter how much I'm being distracted by the things going on around me.

It just frustrates me, because sometimes I think that I'm bringing it all on myself. The tiredness and the bad feelings. To the world, I do my thing and nobody ever knows if I'm tired or not. I would never say and I wouldn't always show what's going on with me. So when Ma, for instance, reads this she might think it's all an exaggeration and that I was doing good yesterday and Sunday.. So will she believe me when I say I'm fine? Will she believe me when she reads the words I write? Will Ma think that either the me who writes or the me who goes about daily things as if nothing's wrong, is lieing? I know Ma doesn't think this, but I have this awful habit of trying to think FOR her and I tell myself that what I feel towards myself is the same as what others also feel towards me.. this isn't the case.

I don't like to say that I'm not feeling well. I don't like to admit it. And that's just Anna playing up. Telling me I'm okay and that I can do anything, whether I have the energy and will power or not. Only occassionally I can say that it's too much. And I know it's up to me to say "stop". I can't rely on others to pick up on the fact that I'm acting as if all is well when really it's not.

I don't really know... All I know is that what I write here, isn't a lie. It isn't a front. It's nothing of the kind. It's real and I don't hold back because it's where nobody judges me, nobody makes remarks, nobody looks at me funny and nobody questions me. This blog can contain a lot of s*** to some of you and that's fine because I don't really mind what others think of what I write. The only thing I know for sure is that what it does contain, is the truth.

The throbbing heart

Being driven by the head or by the heart? Doing things as they feel good according to the most important organ in the body.. the debate about whether it's the brain or the heart.. We can do things from day to day, things that can be either controlled by what our heads are telling us or by what our hearts are telling us.

The most vital organ of the human body is the heart. If it stops, we stop. Without it, there is no life. Without limbs, without muscle, without sight, without kidneys.. we can still exist and be here. We still have life. But once the heart stops..it's over. In the chest, is where it all takes place. It's where the emotions are felt and where our deepest joys and sorrows can arise. It's where expansiveness can occur and it's where emptiness can be found. Within the chest is where we feel anxiety and it's where we feel our nerves. It's also the place from which our passion arises. Passion for a certain life, passion for a certain person, passion for a certain expression, passion for all..

The heart is the place that should be refuelled. We should cherish it, nourish it and never ever take it for granted. It deserves nutrition, it deserves oxygen. Without giving the heart what it needs, we can never be fully aware of what it's capable of and we will never fully use it to the best of it's ability. We'll not recognize what feeling is there to be felt. Whether it's loneliness, fulfilment, grief or love. It deserves our love and attention and it deserves to be treated right. Without giving this to our hearts, how can we expect it to give to us, what we expect of it?

A heart means life - life is the soul - the soul is the person - the person is you. Switching on and becoming aware of this fact and realizing that life is being lived by you as a person with a beautiful soul, and is given to you and made possible by this machine inside your chest, will not only help to live, breath and operate according to the feeling felt by the heart but it will also lift the barriers that might have come down and forced you to never properly let the feelings that have been brewing inside your soul take on the purpose they were meant for... to feel what it's like to live according to who you really are, deep down. The person underneath.

Choosing to live life through the heart alone, might seem unrealistic, immature and off-the-wall. But why should it be? If a feeling doesn't feel right, if it's feel wrong and if there's that distinct gut-feeling that everybody has come across one time or another, then listening to that feeling, is living life through your heart. Acting on this feeling is the right thing to do. The feeling and instinct isn't there for nothing. It's there to warn you that what you're head is telling you to do, isn't what you believe in. Your head is being rational, sensible and it's doing whatt's expected of you and often can be influenced by society and the world we live in.

Sometimes the head and heart can by in-synch. You're doing something sensible and rational and it feels right, deep down. It feels good and there's no voice or no feeling arising within you, trying to warn you that this isn't what you should be doing. If a person knows that there's that feeling and that it serves a purpose and if a person choses to learn to hear it and act accordingly, then wouldn't that save the head from being fuzzy, sore, wrecked and destraught?

A pain in heart or a pain in the head? Both can be felt, and really quite often. But which one is better and which one is worse? What is the purpose behind each pain? There's always a reason. Crying for what the head has caused, comes from the heart. Just like crying for what the heart has caused. In both situations the tears come from the same place, but have a different trigger. The head can start playing tricks that lead you to believe that it knows best. It has the power to control all and it will if you let it..

I let Anna inside my head. I let her control my every hour..day and night. She wanted to rule all and take over my heart and therefore destroy my soul. I'm learning to live and to be driven by my heart and by what feels right. I can't live according to what my head is telling me is rational, mature and expected of me. Because, right now, that's the place that Anna is clinging to. She's not in my soul, she's not in my heart, she's not in my feeling. She wants to be, but she's not. I thought she once was but I've learned she isn't. She'll still do her best to play tricks on me and control my decisions, my choices, my behaviour and my overall thoughts. But I'm not her. She's not me. She's in my head and not in my heart. We cannot be in-synch, we never were and we never will be.

Everything I do, needs to come from the heart. The only things that feel right and good and will continue to do so and hopefully they'll start to feel better and better as I get stronger and stronger, are the things I say and do, the things I think and feel, the things I hope and dream every waking or sleeping hour that are driven by the amazing machine that ticks away every second of everyday and the reason that I'm still here right now.. my precious heart that never let me down after all the strain I put it under and after all the damage I could have caused.. A vital organ that will strengthen because I grow to love it more and more.

Working hard

It's not until you don't the vitally, mental normality and the physical energy that you realize just how much hard-work some people can be. It also continues to amaze me that people dealing with people and situations, each and every day are able to NOT feel drained or wiped-out by the energy-sucking personalities, habits, rituals and activities daily life brings with it.

For people who are strong and vital, a certain attitude and mental state of mind is required of you, in order to keep functioning normally whilst being surrounded by people who are hard-work. By hard work I mean: needing a certain amount of attention, having mood-swings like there's no tomorrow, being loud and in-your-face or having a stinking attitude about absolutely everything. For someone who isn't yet in full health, it can be even harder to deal with these people, especially if it's on a daily basis.

I never realized just how mentally draining they can be. Months and months ago, I would never think twice about wanting to be in someone's presence or not, because of the work they require. But now, the work I need myself to do, has become so tiring and draining. Not letting this person have an influence on my mood or state of mind, is a chore in itself. And that's not even considering the effect my mental state of mind or mood could have on this person. Other people can be just as prone to picking up bad vibes coming from me as I am from them. And living or being in harmony together needs input from both parties.

Anyway, I would always be able to deal with everyone and the people who I now see as hard-work, I used to think of as challenging and invigorating. The way they would "be" in life, would get me thinking and analyzing. I felt strong and could deal with anything and didn't feel the energy being sucked out me by just being in the same room as them. There's a world of difference, between how positive I would still be after being in contact with these people.

Diann once said that when you know that a certain event, a certain activity or a certain person can trigger different things inside of you, bringing you stress or pressurizing you in some sort of way, it can help if you mentally gear yourself up as a method of protection, before dealing with whatever it may be that can effect you in some way, be it good or bad. It's like preparing yourself for a feeling that you've felt before. This can not only help when dealing with certain events or activities but it can also help when you are around a particular person. Being aware that this can happen, and putting yourself in that certain place in your mind can prevent that feeling of either agitation, depression, annoyance or tiredness to happen whilst being in the same environment as this person. The feeling might come up the moment they walk into the room. The feeling might come up afterwards, once you are alone and thinking about what has just happened.

My family, around me day in day out, don't require hard-work. Only occasionally. It's part of normal, daily life. Everybody's mood changes like the weather. Some people's mood changes more than others. Some people are more vulnerable to other people's sorrow or depression or happiness and positivity. My family have taken on my moods and never (to my knowledge) let it effect them in a negative way. They are strong and able to cope with a quiet me, a grumpy me, a sad me, an angry me and sometimes a happy me.. Whatever kind of me, it's not a problem because they are able to be in that place in their minds, without much effort, for it not to spark off certain feelings. They are able to get on with their lives.

But for me, however.. it's seems different. Someones mood can set my mood off. Maybe because I'm not always able to get myself in that particular place in my mind, where I can cope with ignorance, impatience or lack of respect. A tightness can arise and I just want to curl up, the moment I pick up a bad vibe. I don't want it around me. Because I either want to feel the same as this person or I want to help this person see the positive side of whatever it is that's bringing them down. But wanting to feel the same as they are feeling, brings me down and drains me and all I want to be is alone and rest. But on the other hand, trying to help them is just as draining. I'm not strong enough to bring them up again or to take on their problems..no matter how much I would love to.

If a person is hard-work or not, doesn't make them good or bad. It's just their personality and it makes them who they are. I used to hard-work. I think. Loud, in-your-face, maybe not even that nice a person to be around. It's hard to tell and you can never know how other people see you. You can try and think for them but everybody is different and therefore everybody has a different perception of people. Some people might say a person is very out-going.. But the same person could be thought of as withdrawn by the next person. It's all about the person you are and the person they are. Personalities are different with different views. These views are exactly what they are.. views, opinions and mostly judged by how one person sees themselves at that point in their life. We use ourselves as the "norm".

At this moment in time, I'm not really that able to deal with certain people. I never saw them as hard-work, but right now, I do and it's purely because of my own state of mind and my own ability to deal with life. I see Holland as a busy place. I never used to and it was never a problem. But now it is and that's mainly down to the fact that I'm not strong enough to live at the fast pace of life.

So what I'm getting at is that the stronger I get, the more I'll be capable of dealing with challenging people. I'll want to help them and I'll be positive and hopefully spark something within them that will give them that great feeling of loving life, a feeling that has become so familiar to me but that I'm not yet able to express to the world. I'll might enjoy being in Holland, if and when I decide to go back, because I might love to live at high-speed again. Energy-draining people, countries, activities and events aren't good or bad, right or wrong.. It's not a fact but it's an opinion. It's tells me, just how much I'm able to deal with at this moment and how much stress my head can handle. It will change because my energy levels will change.

People change according to what is going on in their lives. Opinions and needs change and going with it is to embrace the changes, accept the changes and be happy to see them for what they are and accept loved-ones too as they change and as they are just like they accept you as you change and as you are.