So what am I going to do?? Right, I can first of all, give myself 2 days, during which I'm allowed to have and enjoy anything I want. Even though that's what I usually do anyhow, but this weekend is different. If I don't do this, I could start restricting in order to gain control or end up hating myself for putting the "wrong" foods in to my stomach. So the "weekend food plan" will start from Saturday lunchtime. Seeing as though that's also when I meet Mickey's sister at the airport. There'll be a lunch, and then a dinner (it will probably be a massive roast or something.. or stew..oh god.. panic. well the worst case scenario would be if I had to eat a stew. I'm not a fan, I'd eat it, but it's so thick and heavy and I'd feel disgusting for eating it...but if that's what they're going to give, then I'll eat it, I'm allowed it have it) and probably some proper drinks too. I'm allowed 4 drinks on Saturday. Sunday, there'll probably be fry-up in the morning (again, worst case scenario), I won't be happy eating it, but I'll have it anyhow. Then there's another lunch and probably another roast and more booze. Again, I'm allowed 4. Monday morning, there'll be another fry-up. Overall, there'll be biscuits and cakes. I can have 1 cake and/or 3 biscuits.. This is probably as "bad" as it could get. But I'm just presuming this is what it will be like, when really it's impossible for me to know how it will be. I can't know what food they'll be serving. Maybe we'll go out for dinner.. Maybe I'll feel fine with food and I'll eat everything without guilt. It could all turn out to be okay. It could be a disaster. I simply can never know or predict how it will be. But it makes me feel safe to a certain extent, to know that if they going does get tough, that I'll have something to hold on to, instead of crumbling or suddenly having "attacks" from Anna.
It would be such a shame, if food had to ruin my weekend. It hasn't ruined my days for quite a while now. I think Christmas was the last time. And I don't want it to happen again. I suppose it just depends on how I approach it really. And it's only if I let it ruin the weekend then that's what will happen...Maybe by going over it, the way I am right now, is making it worse. But then again, if it's a safety net, then it can only work in my favour.
If I can eat and feel fine this weekend, I know I'll be able to do anything. I'll know I'll have come miles in the space of a few months. I'll be able for anything. Why is this weekend such a big deal? Well, because not only will I be in someone elses house, I'll also be saying a proper goodbye to Mickey (even though it might be a year too late), which can cause a few things to come up and I'll also be seeing Shellie and Kate, who will be the first people I'll have seen from my travels, since getting rid of Anna and also since having put on weight. When I saw them last, Anna was just starting to make a proper introduction. We said goodbye, when we were in Darwin. So that really says enough about the "state" I was in when we last saw each other. They do know a little bit of what's been going on, but not to any extent. So I'm also kind of wary about what and how much I'll tell them.
All these little things, rolled into 2 days.. It will be big. That's all I can say. I know it will be good if I can get through it. I know whatever happens, that I'll be stronger for it. And it will be a learning curve, or a chance for me to "test the water". Right, I have to let it settle, and I'm sure I'll know what to say about my life, when the time comes. I'll know what to do, if it gets too much. I have to believe in that and just take it as it comes. There's really no more I can do. Because predicting the future, isn't my "line of work"... and is only wrecking my head.. So I'm letting it go and I'm going to be strong and get through it..
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The weekend.. 1
It's Thursday morning. And everything has settled since yesterday's little "lesson". So right now, I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time. Because this weekend will be busy. Tomorrow Sandra and her mate Jennifer are coming over. It will be great seeing them, and catching up. And then Saturday morning, I've to get the bus up to Dublin Airport, then I'm flying to Cork and there I'll be meeting Shellie and Kate and Mickey's sister Jayne. I'll be staying with his family, and Monday I'm flying back again.
So, for now, that's what I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for. But maybe I don't need to focus on it too much or worry about it. Maybe I should just take it as it comes. I catch myself worrying about things that might happen during the next few weeks or months, and jumping ahead. When I really don't need to. I have to just be in the here and now. If not, I'll just create a muddle in my head and I can't afford for that to happen.
Because right now, on top of thinking too much about this weekend, I'm also still waiting for a reply from work, as to when it's okay for me to officially quit my job. I've had contact with my teamleader over the past week. And it's not a problem for me to quit. Now it just has to be made official by a certain date. So I'm waiting for word from her, regarding that specific date and not until then, will another weight be lifted. But I can't seem to stop myself from still fearing that it will all go belly-up. When, really, there's nothing that could go majorly wrong.. And worrying about it right now, is only making my head feel all cloudy and fuzzy. So I've had to convince myself, both yesterday and today, that nothing big and bold and bad can happen. Absolutely nothing. For now, it's just a waiting game, until I can finally breathe easy, knowing that everything in Holland has been sorted out. Until then, there's nothing I can do, so I just have to sit it out and accept the situation as it is.
So, back to today. Everything is arranged now for going down to Tipperary. But I've found myself wondering what on earth am I going to tell them, when they ask what I do. People always pay general interest in what others do, especially when they are just getting to know each other. So what am I supposed to say? I'm jobless? I'm recovering from an eating disorder? I'm in a "transition-zone"? Should I make up a story? Should I be honest? But does it really have anything to do with them, what's been going on in my life? No, it doesn't. But on the other hand, am I ashamed by what I've been going through, the past 8 months, that I should feel I have to lie about it? No, I don't. So what am I supposed to do? People might start to look at me in a different light, once they hear that I've been ill. People can judge and people can feel uncomfortable.
What would be wise? Do I want to tell them what's been going on, and face all the possible questions that could arise or all the awkwardness it could bring up? It make it especially difficult seeing as though I'll be staying in their house, because it means eating in their house.. I know that it will be a big challenge, for me to eat other peoples food, without knowing how it's prepared and without being able to choose what to eat. Going to a restaurant is different, at least then I have some "control", because I can choose what I want from the menu. But in somebody elses house, I have to eat whatever is given to me. The thing is, I do like most foods, really I do. But I don't feel comfortable eating all foods.. So if I were to tell them, what I've been doing for the past while, then automatically the food will become a bigger issue than it would be, if I were NOT to say what I've been doing the past months..
What a dilemma.. Yesterday when I heard that it was all definitely going to happen, I thought about what precautions I could take. Like having a "party food plan", I could also have some sort of "weekend food plan", for those days, so I'll feel I still have some control as to what I'm eating, which will keep the guilt away and won't stir-up too much.. This will be the biggest challenge I've had to face so far, I reckon. In terms of being a part of the world, without having an eating disorder and without letting it rule me.
So, for now, that's what I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for. But maybe I don't need to focus on it too much or worry about it. Maybe I should just take it as it comes. I catch myself worrying about things that might happen during the next few weeks or months, and jumping ahead. When I really don't need to. I have to just be in the here and now. If not, I'll just create a muddle in my head and I can't afford for that to happen.
Because right now, on top of thinking too much about this weekend, I'm also still waiting for a reply from work, as to when it's okay for me to officially quit my job. I've had contact with my teamleader over the past week. And it's not a problem for me to quit. Now it just has to be made official by a certain date. So I'm waiting for word from her, regarding that specific date and not until then, will another weight be lifted. But I can't seem to stop myself from still fearing that it will all go belly-up. When, really, there's nothing that could go majorly wrong.. And worrying about it right now, is only making my head feel all cloudy and fuzzy. So I've had to convince myself, both yesterday and today, that nothing big and bold and bad can happen. Absolutely nothing. For now, it's just a waiting game, until I can finally breathe easy, knowing that everything in Holland has been sorted out. Until then, there's nothing I can do, so I just have to sit it out and accept the situation as it is.
So, back to today. Everything is arranged now for going down to Tipperary. But I've found myself wondering what on earth am I going to tell them, when they ask what I do. People always pay general interest in what others do, especially when they are just getting to know each other. So what am I supposed to say? I'm jobless? I'm recovering from an eating disorder? I'm in a "transition-zone"? Should I make up a story? Should I be honest? But does it really have anything to do with them, what's been going on in my life? No, it doesn't. But on the other hand, am I ashamed by what I've been going through, the past 8 months, that I should feel I have to lie about it? No, I don't. So what am I supposed to do? People might start to look at me in a different light, once they hear that I've been ill. People can judge and people can feel uncomfortable.
What would be wise? Do I want to tell them what's been going on, and face all the possible questions that could arise or all the awkwardness it could bring up? It make it especially difficult seeing as though I'll be staying in their house, because it means eating in their house.. I know that it will be a big challenge, for me to eat other peoples food, without knowing how it's prepared and without being able to choose what to eat. Going to a restaurant is different, at least then I have some "control", because I can choose what I want from the menu. But in somebody elses house, I have to eat whatever is given to me. The thing is, I do like most foods, really I do. But I don't feel comfortable eating all foods.. So if I were to tell them, what I've been doing for the past while, then automatically the food will become a bigger issue than it would be, if I were NOT to say what I've been doing the past months..
What a dilemma.. Yesterday when I heard that it was all definitely going to happen, I thought about what precautions I could take. Like having a "party food plan", I could also have some sort of "weekend food plan", for those days, so I'll feel I still have some control as to what I'm eating, which will keep the guilt away and won't stir-up too much.. This will be the biggest challenge I've had to face so far, I reckon. In terms of being a part of the world, without having an eating disorder and without letting it rule me.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Am I what I eat - 2
Anyhow, I was walking for a short while, trying to make sense of my reaction. Why was it so over the top?? Well, first of all, Eileen saying that I'll get square eyes, is just her way of saying that it would give HER square eyes and a headache if she was to sit behind the laptop for a certain amount of hours each day. It doesn't mean that she thinks badly of me or that she's trying to make me feel bad. Nothing like that. That remark being made at the same time as I realized that it was going to happen this weekend, meeting the girls and Mickeys family and that it was going to be a big challenge, just made me stressed out and panicky and Eileen eating nuts and fruit as well, was like she was invading everything I would always lead myself to believe that was me, which is "I am what I eat". Therefore her taking nuts and fruit, that for so long I had convinced myself of being all I had in the world and one of the few foods that I could feel safe with and also made into the person I want to be, was what nearly sent me over the edge.
This statement "You are what you eat", used to be my core-belief. I was watching a programme last week about people in rehab and they said that in order to change your behaviour, you need to change your core beliefs. What did they mean by core-beliefs? Well, they are certain opinions you believe so strongly in that they rule your life. Mine used to be that I'm worthless, non-deserving, a burden, fat and a waste of space. Things that I had convinced myself so often of. If I didn't convince myself of this, then I'd be failing. Another core-belief that I had, and that drove me to eat as little as possible.. was "you are what you eat". It became a mantra to me. Everyday over and over again, I'd be telling myself this. And the more strongly I believed in this, the less I would eat. With every bite I took, of whatever food it was, that was what I would class myself as being. It would keep me away from fatty foods, chocolate bars, sweets and crisps. And eating nuts and fruit and yogurt, made me into this person that I wanted to be.. If I am what I eat, then eating healthy makes me healthy. And it was MY own personal thing. MY OWN WAY. So seeing or hearing about others also being healthy (like is was being this morning) doesn't make me feel unique anymore.
It was only this morning, as I was walking around the area, that I realized that this statement, to this day, is still very much a part of me. I can still believe in it so strongly. Especially when stress arises or I feel unsafe. So Eileen eating the nuts, was like her taking something away from me. She was taking a part of who I had so strongly believed I was and she was making it her own. One of the very few things in life, that I felt I deserved, and she was taking it from me. Like I established yesterday, it again has a lot to do with boundaries. Because thinking about the boundaries and realizing that this morning I should or could have placed myself in a bubble, answered all my questions. If I'm in a bubble, Eileen eating nuts that I love, wouldn't effect me. It wouldn't take anything away from me. It's just Eileen eating healthy foods. If she does or doesn't, doesn't make me worse off, all of a sudden. I'm still a whole person, I'm still me, I'm still unique, I'm still fighting and, most important of all, I'm still safe. My identity isn't lost, as she eats what she wants. My identity isn't lost, as I eat what I want. If I have that bubble, it will show me that my core-belief was all wrong and I'll slowly be able to change it, and that in turn will change the way I react in certain situations and also keep the feeling of panic and anxiety at bay.
So those few moments, when I was in the kitchen and so much was being stirred-up inside, I was still able to make the right decision and I didn't take out my bad feelings on Eileen. I took a step back, to suss out what had just been happening and why, by going for a walk. And it worked wonders. Changing this belief of me being what I eat, won't happen over night. But I could at least stop saying it to myself, that would be a big improvement. Because I don't think I ever stopped. Not until now, that is. Putting a certain type of food in my belly, doesn't mean that I'm a walking lump of fat.. It just means that I'm able to live out my core-beliefs that will adjust with time. What is a core-belief of mine at this moment? Well, I truly believe that I am worthy and deserving of happiness and I've felt that happiness inside and am not ashamed to admit it. And how am I expressing this in my daily life? At the moment mainly through this blog and slowly but surely more and more through how I'm approaching life in general. I also truly believe that my happiness depends on me traveling again, and that's what I'll be doing. Another belief is that travel is what I'm meant to do, so soon I will be putting my beliefs into practise. And to be able to do this, I'll need all different kinds of food. Because without it, I'm next to nowhere or in the middle of a green field, lost.. So I'm signing off with the statement: I'm NOT what I eat!
This statement "You are what you eat", used to be my core-belief. I was watching a programme last week about people in rehab and they said that in order to change your behaviour, you need to change your core beliefs. What did they mean by core-beliefs? Well, they are certain opinions you believe so strongly in that they rule your life. Mine used to be that I'm worthless, non-deserving, a burden, fat and a waste of space. Things that I had convinced myself so often of. If I didn't convince myself of this, then I'd be failing. Another core-belief that I had, and that drove me to eat as little as possible.. was "you are what you eat". It became a mantra to me. Everyday over and over again, I'd be telling myself this. And the more strongly I believed in this, the less I would eat. With every bite I took, of whatever food it was, that was what I would class myself as being. It would keep me away from fatty foods, chocolate bars, sweets and crisps. And eating nuts and fruit and yogurt, made me into this person that I wanted to be.. If I am what I eat, then eating healthy makes me healthy. And it was MY own personal thing. MY OWN WAY. So seeing or hearing about others also being healthy (like is was being this morning) doesn't make me feel unique anymore.
It was only this morning, as I was walking around the area, that I realized that this statement, to this day, is still very much a part of me. I can still believe in it so strongly. Especially when stress arises or I feel unsafe. So Eileen eating the nuts, was like her taking something away from me. She was taking a part of who I had so strongly believed I was and she was making it her own. One of the very few things in life, that I felt I deserved, and she was taking it from me. Like I established yesterday, it again has a lot to do with boundaries. Because thinking about the boundaries and realizing that this morning I should or could have placed myself in a bubble, answered all my questions. If I'm in a bubble, Eileen eating nuts that I love, wouldn't effect me. It wouldn't take anything away from me. It's just Eileen eating healthy foods. If she does or doesn't, doesn't make me worse off, all of a sudden. I'm still a whole person, I'm still me, I'm still unique, I'm still fighting and, most important of all, I'm still safe. My identity isn't lost, as she eats what she wants. My identity isn't lost, as I eat what I want. If I have that bubble, it will show me that my core-belief was all wrong and I'll slowly be able to change it, and that in turn will change the way I react in certain situations and also keep the feeling of panic and anxiety at bay.
So those few moments, when I was in the kitchen and so much was being stirred-up inside, I was still able to make the right decision and I didn't take out my bad feelings on Eileen. I took a step back, to suss out what had just been happening and why, by going for a walk. And it worked wonders. Changing this belief of me being what I eat, won't happen over night. But I could at least stop saying it to myself, that would be a big improvement. Because I don't think I ever stopped. Not until now, that is. Putting a certain type of food in my belly, doesn't mean that I'm a walking lump of fat.. It just means that I'm able to live out my core-beliefs that will adjust with time. What is a core-belief of mine at this moment? Well, I truly believe that I am worthy and deserving of happiness and I've felt that happiness inside and am not ashamed to admit it. And how am I expressing this in my daily life? At the moment mainly through this blog and slowly but surely more and more through how I'm approaching life in general. I also truly believe that my happiness depends on me traveling again, and that's what I'll be doing. Another belief is that travel is what I'm meant to do, so soon I will be putting my beliefs into practise. And to be able to do this, I'll need all different kinds of food. Because without it, I'm next to nowhere or in the middle of a green field, lost.. So I'm signing off with the statement: I'm NOT what I eat!
Am I what I eat - 1
"You are what you eat". A statement that struck me this morning as being a reason for some of my problems. Where did it suddenly come from? Well, a few things that happened while I was on the laptop this morning in a very short space of time and got me thinking about this statement. It made me realize a few things.. I'll start from the beginning..
I was working on the laptop this morning, just checking my emails, and Eileen walked in to the kitchen. She had just gotten up out of bed. Her first comment was that I'll soon be getting square eyes from being on the computer so often. That totally hit the wrong buttons. I didn't say anything, instead I just sat there and I felt so bad and everything was starting to boil over. My thoughts that I had, and wanted to shout at her, were: "I haven't even been on the computer for 5 minutes!! What does she think I do on it all day, just surf the net, wasting time?? Don't people who work in offices, sit behind a computer screen 40 hours a week?? I don't sit behind it 40 hours a week, and I'm not wasting time or trying to fill the hours of my days. I'm either writing, or sending emails, or I'm sorting out my life.. The amount of time Eileen spends either texting and speaking on the phone to her friends, is probably the same amount of time as I spend on the internet emailing friends.. And how am I ever going to get my life back on track and find out the possibilities and opportunities that are out there in the world, if I don't do research? Would I feel better if I was sitting in front of the tv screen instead? No I wouldn't. It wouldn't get me anywhere." I so wanted to get all that off my chest, and I don't even know why I should justify what I do on the computer each day? Who cares.. But at that moment, I didn't see it like that.. and it made me so angry.
At that same moment as Eileen made her remark, I got an email saying that the plans I have for this weekend are all set in place and that it's all systems go. What plans? Well, this weekend it's Mickeys' (a guy I was travelling in Oz with, for a couple of months) first anniversary. This time last year he died while he was traveling through Asia. Shellie and Kate (2 girls who were also traveling with us) are coming over to pay their respects, this weekend. The mass is on Sunday in Tipperary and they wanted me to come down too for a couple of days. For a while I wasn't too sure I'd be able to deal with it..saying goodbye to him properly and meeting his family, and seeing the girls again, all at once. And I wasn't sure I'd been feeling strong enough to eat properly or physically able to get down there. But a few weeks ago, I became more certain that I'd be able for it (especially after the great weekend in Holland).
So today I got an email saying that his family can't wait to meet me, as they've heard so much about me and that they'll have a bed for me and they'll pick me up from the bus too. The whole week I was having doubts if it would all come together. I honestly couldn't see it happening. But this morning I was reading the email, just after Eileen made her remark. And I was struck with panic and grief. My first thoughts were.. "O no.. what am I going to do? What will happen with food?" As well as feeling anger towards Eileen. AND THEN..to top it all, Eileen was having some nuts and fruit too. I was so angry. I felt like she was stealing my food!!!!
This all happened within the space of 2 minutes. So straight away I had that awful pressure in my chest and wanted to run. I wanted to go back to bed and cry my eyes out. I couldn't bring myself to look at Eileen either. I could feel it all happening. Like many a times before, it was like I was witnessing a scene that was being played out, and I was the main muddled-up character. Every reaction caused another, and each one was bringing me down a little bit more. So for a second I wanted my bed, then I had to think twice.. I didn't want my bed, I wanted fresh air and I needed a walk. So that's what I did. I needed to suss out what had just happened. Why were all these things making me feel so awful, upset and angry, when really there was nothing dramatic happening. Eileen hadn't a clue what her remark and her eating was doing to me.. which afterwards just confirmed my thinking, that there really was nothing major happening and that she didn't mean anything bad by what she said. She was oblivious to it all, for which I'm really very happy, and she asked me normally, before I left to go for a walk, to smell the milk because she thought it had gone sour.. Just goes to show..
......................
I was working on the laptop this morning, just checking my emails, and Eileen walked in to the kitchen. She had just gotten up out of bed. Her first comment was that I'll soon be getting square eyes from being on the computer so often. That totally hit the wrong buttons. I didn't say anything, instead I just sat there and I felt so bad and everything was starting to boil over. My thoughts that I had, and wanted to shout at her, were: "I haven't even been on the computer for 5 minutes!! What does she think I do on it all day, just surf the net, wasting time?? Don't people who work in offices, sit behind a computer screen 40 hours a week?? I don't sit behind it 40 hours a week, and I'm not wasting time or trying to fill the hours of my days. I'm either writing, or sending emails, or I'm sorting out my life.. The amount of time Eileen spends either texting and speaking on the phone to her friends, is probably the same amount of time as I spend on the internet emailing friends.. And how am I ever going to get my life back on track and find out the possibilities and opportunities that are out there in the world, if I don't do research? Would I feel better if I was sitting in front of the tv screen instead? No I wouldn't. It wouldn't get me anywhere." I so wanted to get all that off my chest, and I don't even know why I should justify what I do on the computer each day? Who cares.. But at that moment, I didn't see it like that.. and it made me so angry.
At that same moment as Eileen made her remark, I got an email saying that the plans I have for this weekend are all set in place and that it's all systems go. What plans? Well, this weekend it's Mickeys' (a guy I was travelling in Oz with, for a couple of months) first anniversary. This time last year he died while he was traveling through Asia. Shellie and Kate (2 girls who were also traveling with us) are coming over to pay their respects, this weekend. The mass is on Sunday in Tipperary and they wanted me to come down too for a couple of days. For a while I wasn't too sure I'd be able to deal with it..saying goodbye to him properly and meeting his family, and seeing the girls again, all at once. And I wasn't sure I'd been feeling strong enough to eat properly or physically able to get down there. But a few weeks ago, I became more certain that I'd be able for it (especially after the great weekend in Holland).
So today I got an email saying that his family can't wait to meet me, as they've heard so much about me and that they'll have a bed for me and they'll pick me up from the bus too. The whole week I was having doubts if it would all come together. I honestly couldn't see it happening. But this morning I was reading the email, just after Eileen made her remark. And I was struck with panic and grief. My first thoughts were.. "O no.. what am I going to do? What will happen with food?" As well as feeling anger towards Eileen. AND THEN..to top it all, Eileen was having some nuts and fruit too. I was so angry. I felt like she was stealing my food!!!!
This all happened within the space of 2 minutes. So straight away I had that awful pressure in my chest and wanted to run. I wanted to go back to bed and cry my eyes out. I couldn't bring myself to look at Eileen either. I could feel it all happening. Like many a times before, it was like I was witnessing a scene that was being played out, and I was the main muddled-up character. Every reaction caused another, and each one was bringing me down a little bit more. So for a second I wanted my bed, then I had to think twice.. I didn't want my bed, I wanted fresh air and I needed a walk. So that's what I did. I needed to suss out what had just happened. Why were all these things making me feel so awful, upset and angry, when really there was nothing dramatic happening. Eileen hadn't a clue what her remark and her eating was doing to me.. which afterwards just confirmed my thinking, that there really was nothing major happening and that she didn't mean anything bad by what she said. She was oblivious to it all, for which I'm really very happy, and she asked me normally, before I left to go for a walk, to smell the milk because she thought it had gone sour.. Just goes to show..
......................
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Protecting and projecting 2
If someone is sensitive, by nature, then it pays to know when and where the boundaries lie. Be they between you and the people you love or you and strangers.. Just you and the word, in general. When we're close to others then we want to give them something of ourselves, be it compassion, understanding, time, attention, love and so much more. We can want to give them something of ours, to make them feel better and sometimes, when we don't know who we really are, we forget about ourselves. We can forget the influence it can have on ourselves or what it could do to our own way of thinking or our own feelings or our behaviour.
When it comes to Ma for instance, I want to help her when she's sad. I want to reach out and tell her to lean on me. But I don't know if I can right now. I'm not too sure if I'm strong enough (and I'm not talking about the muscles in my shoulders or the width of them..). We were talking about it yesterday, and even before Ma said it I knew, that she doesn't expect me to do or be any of the things I want and feel I need to be for her. Ma is so strong and can deal with just about anything. I therefore know that I don't need to make myself feel bad for not being able to be there for her. It's pure caution really, as I don't know if it will bring me down or how it will make me feel. But reading and learning about boundaries made me NOT put myself in that position of giving too much when I'm not sure if I can. So I'm already aware that a part of recovering from an eating disorder, is to know what and when I can give some of myself to others. The reaction I have in my body when I'm around people who are close to me and who aren't feeling too happy or dealing with issues, tells me that I'm not only realizing that such a thing as boundaries exists but also know how they work and what it feels like when my boundaries or my bubble isn't stable and is being subconsciously "invaded" by the people I love.
So the bubble I can create or the work I can do as I know and realize my boundaries, is something will help me change my reaction, seeing as though a character trait is something that I can't change. Over-sensitivity is there and the boundaries are starting to form too. So I can feel safe, when I'm around people who don't make me feel safe. I won't feel the need to take on anybody elses' problems or invest any of my energy or myself in others, when I'm not able or simply don't want to. This in turn WON'T leave me feeling drained, frustrated, exposed or used. It will also give more confidence and show that judgement doesn't effect who I am, at the core. So proving myself to others, will never to an issue.
Boundaries can be so complex, but once the theory is there, then the practise can only end up being a challenge. And Sunday was a one of those. But that's on hindsight. I didn't realize it when it was happening, and I still can't say for sure if it was Ma feeling sad that got me down. Either way, it doesn't matter. I basically have to be able to deal with situations and feelings of others. Because life is made up of relationships and they make our world personalized and unique. And everybody has good days and bad days.. Which means that good feelings can be picked up on just as easily as bad feelings. So sensitivity doesn't always have to mean that problems arise. Again, it's how I approach it and what I do and learn from relationships around me and the situations they bring up.
It's so interesting and it continues to amaze me. The way energies can be exchanged between people, without any effort. It's all there, but 9 times out of 10 nobody is aware. "Seeing" the invisible exchange of feelings, attitudes or vibes, as the reason for so many bodily or mental reactions that someone might have whilst being around certain people, is such an eye-opener and also a way to develop and grow. It opens the mind and shows that none of us are perfect and every person who walks this planet has faults. Knowing this fact alone, can make relationships so much easier and every relationship is one to learn from, as long as the boundaries are set. That's when nobody can harm you. Even with your imperfections.. Own the good and not so good in you, be proud of them both as you are a balanced person, and take on the world and continue to evolve in whatever way feels good to you. Because there's no fear, when you have those boundaries.. Protecting your innerself whilst projecting it. Then a comfort-zone can be found in any place on this earth. You have you, and that alone should be enough to always feel safe..
When it comes to Ma for instance, I want to help her when she's sad. I want to reach out and tell her to lean on me. But I don't know if I can right now. I'm not too sure if I'm strong enough (and I'm not talking about the muscles in my shoulders or the width of them..). We were talking about it yesterday, and even before Ma said it I knew, that she doesn't expect me to do or be any of the things I want and feel I need to be for her. Ma is so strong and can deal with just about anything. I therefore know that I don't need to make myself feel bad for not being able to be there for her. It's pure caution really, as I don't know if it will bring me down or how it will make me feel. But reading and learning about boundaries made me NOT put myself in that position of giving too much when I'm not sure if I can. So I'm already aware that a part of recovering from an eating disorder, is to know what and when I can give some of myself to others. The reaction I have in my body when I'm around people who are close to me and who aren't feeling too happy or dealing with issues, tells me that I'm not only realizing that such a thing as boundaries exists but also know how they work and what it feels like when my boundaries or my bubble isn't stable and is being subconsciously "invaded" by the people I love.
So the bubble I can create or the work I can do as I know and realize my boundaries, is something will help me change my reaction, seeing as though a character trait is something that I can't change. Over-sensitivity is there and the boundaries are starting to form too. So I can feel safe, when I'm around people who don't make me feel safe. I won't feel the need to take on anybody elses' problems or invest any of my energy or myself in others, when I'm not able or simply don't want to. This in turn WON'T leave me feeling drained, frustrated, exposed or used. It will also give more confidence and show that judgement doesn't effect who I am, at the core. So proving myself to others, will never to an issue.
Boundaries can be so complex, but once the theory is there, then the practise can only end up being a challenge. And Sunday was a one of those. But that's on hindsight. I didn't realize it when it was happening, and I still can't say for sure if it was Ma feeling sad that got me down. Either way, it doesn't matter. I basically have to be able to deal with situations and feelings of others. Because life is made up of relationships and they make our world personalized and unique. And everybody has good days and bad days.. Which means that good feelings can be picked up on just as easily as bad feelings. So sensitivity doesn't always have to mean that problems arise. Again, it's how I approach it and what I do and learn from relationships around me and the situations they bring up.
It's so interesting and it continues to amaze me. The way energies can be exchanged between people, without any effort. It's all there, but 9 times out of 10 nobody is aware. "Seeing" the invisible exchange of feelings, attitudes or vibes, as the reason for so many bodily or mental reactions that someone might have whilst being around certain people, is such an eye-opener and also a way to develop and grow. It opens the mind and shows that none of us are perfect and every person who walks this planet has faults. Knowing this fact alone, can make relationships so much easier and every relationship is one to learn from, as long as the boundaries are set. That's when nobody can harm you. Even with your imperfections.. Own the good and not so good in you, be proud of them both as you are a balanced person, and take on the world and continue to evolve in whatever way feels good to you. Because there's no fear, when you have those boundaries.. Protecting your innerself whilst projecting it. Then a comfort-zone can be found in any place on this earth. You have you, and that alone should be enough to always feel safe..
Protecting and projecting 1
Being over-sensitive..
Something I've always wondered about. I asked Diann yesterday.. Is it possible for me to pick-up on other peoples' issues or problems? Could it be that I can sense whenever other people with whom I have a certain closeness, are not doing too well or if they have a lot of problems going on in their lives, without them saying anything?
When I look back to when I was in the middle of this journey, I'd always remember that there were certain people who I couldn't be around. The moment they'd walk in to the room, I'd contract. I feel choked-up or get a heavy chesty feeling straight away, just by their presence. I never knew why. It was a mystery as it would be around the people that I love. They hadn't done or said anything to make me react in this way. Just them being "there" was enough and all I wanted was to avoid any contact, when times were hard.
It was especially difficult when I was going through so much stuff myself. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And to be around another person, who is also carrying their own weight, was so draining. Even though I didn't try to help or talk to them to make them feel better. I just let them be. I finally got around to asking Diann about this yesterday. It was actually because of the bad feelings I was having on Sunday morning. I realized that I could have been picking up on Ma feeling sad. But Ma never spoke about her feelings, or did or said anything for me to want or feel the need to take on her problems or her sadness. There was nothing like that going on. So it really took me by surprise. I suppose picking-up on other peoples feelings, is something that has been happening all along probably my whole life, but it's only now that I'm able to see it and I'm able to know why the people to whom I'm close to, can influence me in a certain way.
On Sunday I felt down for a while, but I got over it. Diann said that it's part of the "personality" or "character trait" that goes with people who have eating disorders. This over-sensitivity. It's partly down to having this as a personality trait, what gave me the "potential" to develop an eating disorder. I've known this for a while, but I'm only able to truly feel the reactions that I can have to those around me, for the past couple of months.
To deal with this, it's a question of knowing and setting my own boundaries. A subject that has played a big role, for some time now. It does make sense. On Sunday when I was around Ma (and she was cleaning too, which is a sign she's trying to deal with something or other..well not all the time of course, sometimes the house needs a clean..), I was trying to place myself in that bubble that I can visualize myself to be in whenever I feel that I'm being effected by someone's presence (but it didn't really work). Diann has told me to use this bubble before, when I first started noticing the over-sensitivity. Because being "protected" by something like this, can mean that nothing can happen to me or my mood or my thinking or my feelings, just because of somebody either having a bad day or having a difficult period in their life.
There's a book I've been reading, on boundaries. And it's so interesting. It confirms all the talking and analyzing I've been doing with and without Diann, on getting close to people, letting them in and letting them influence my feelings or my state of mind. It's comes down to how well you know your real self, how comfortable you feel being your own person and protecting that precious being you have inside, from the world. Being confident and truly knowing who you are, to the core is the key to being strong enough to project yourself to the world. It can also determine how much this outside world can effect who you are and how you stand in life. It's the core of your being or your inside world that's a place where nobody else can ever get and a place that only you know to be real and to make it real is to put yourself and every fibre of your being, out there and stand by that truth with the reassurance that your boundaries will always be there protecting you.
More to come..
Something I've always wondered about. I asked Diann yesterday.. Is it possible for me to pick-up on other peoples' issues or problems? Could it be that I can sense whenever other people with whom I have a certain closeness, are not doing too well or if they have a lot of problems going on in their lives, without them saying anything?
When I look back to when I was in the middle of this journey, I'd always remember that there were certain people who I couldn't be around. The moment they'd walk in to the room, I'd contract. I feel choked-up or get a heavy chesty feeling straight away, just by their presence. I never knew why. It was a mystery as it would be around the people that I love. They hadn't done or said anything to make me react in this way. Just them being "there" was enough and all I wanted was to avoid any contact, when times were hard.
It was especially difficult when I was going through so much stuff myself. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And to be around another person, who is also carrying their own weight, was so draining. Even though I didn't try to help or talk to them to make them feel better. I just let them be. I finally got around to asking Diann about this yesterday. It was actually because of the bad feelings I was having on Sunday morning. I realized that I could have been picking up on Ma feeling sad. But Ma never spoke about her feelings, or did or said anything for me to want or feel the need to take on her problems or her sadness. There was nothing like that going on. So it really took me by surprise. I suppose picking-up on other peoples feelings, is something that has been happening all along probably my whole life, but it's only now that I'm able to see it and I'm able to know why the people to whom I'm close to, can influence me in a certain way.
On Sunday I felt down for a while, but I got over it. Diann said that it's part of the "personality" or "character trait" that goes with people who have eating disorders. This over-sensitivity. It's partly down to having this as a personality trait, what gave me the "potential" to develop an eating disorder. I've known this for a while, but I'm only able to truly feel the reactions that I can have to those around me, for the past couple of months.
To deal with this, it's a question of knowing and setting my own boundaries. A subject that has played a big role, for some time now. It does make sense. On Sunday when I was around Ma (and she was cleaning too, which is a sign she's trying to deal with something or other..well not all the time of course, sometimes the house needs a clean..), I was trying to place myself in that bubble that I can visualize myself to be in whenever I feel that I'm being effected by someone's presence (but it didn't really work). Diann has told me to use this bubble before, when I first started noticing the over-sensitivity. Because being "protected" by something like this, can mean that nothing can happen to me or my mood or my thinking or my feelings, just because of somebody either having a bad day or having a difficult period in their life.
There's a book I've been reading, on boundaries. And it's so interesting. It confirms all the talking and analyzing I've been doing with and without Diann, on getting close to people, letting them in and letting them influence my feelings or my state of mind. It's comes down to how well you know your real self, how comfortable you feel being your own person and protecting that precious being you have inside, from the world. Being confident and truly knowing who you are, to the core is the key to being strong enough to project yourself to the world. It can also determine how much this outside world can effect who you are and how you stand in life. It's the core of your being or your inside world that's a place where nobody else can ever get and a place that only you know to be real and to make it real is to put yourself and every fibre of your being, out there and stand by that truth with the reassurance that your boundaries will always be there protecting you.
More to come..
No longer..
Leaving behind the mind setting that causes a certain habit
No longer being possessed by thoughts that constantly consume
There is no longer any energy being zapped without a reason
There is no longer any salvation in staying in that season
Letting go of the habit that continues everyday and every night
Never again to overshadow the place where freedom will lie
There is no longer any truth held in what keeps us a float
There is no longer any joy in paddling that old familiar boat
Leaving behind the behaviour that the world sees as normal
Not wanting to loose the flow of where life may lead us
There is no longer any pain as we hold our brave and strong face
There is no longer any fulfilment now that the truth has left a trace
Letting go of what was thought to be the life that was needed
Never again to feel swamped just by being, living and breathing
There is no longer any desire to fit in and forget it all
There is no longer any dream that tells us we're about to fall
There's a chance to see what life has always had in store
There's a chance to reach for the stars and so much more
There's a chance to be creative and let it take us there
There's a chance to live life and show the world that we dare..
No longer being possessed by thoughts that constantly consume
There is no longer any energy being zapped without a reason
There is no longer any salvation in staying in that season
Letting go of the habit that continues everyday and every night
Never again to overshadow the place where freedom will lie
There is no longer any truth held in what keeps us a float
There is no longer any joy in paddling that old familiar boat
Leaving behind the behaviour that the world sees as normal
Not wanting to loose the flow of where life may lead us
There is no longer any pain as we hold our brave and strong face
There is no longer any fulfilment now that the truth has left a trace
Letting go of what was thought to be the life that was needed
Never again to feel swamped just by being, living and breathing
There is no longer any desire to fit in and forget it all
There is no longer any dream that tells us we're about to fall
There's a chance to see what life has always had in store
There's a chance to reach for the stars and so much more
There's a chance to be creative and let it take us there
There's a chance to live life and show the world that we dare..
Monday, February 16, 2009
Loneliness 2
Admitting today that I can feel lonely, wasn't a step back. Diann and Ma reckoned that it's a good sign that I'm feeling this way. I can see what they mean. So I don't need to dwell on it, because it does pass again. It doesn't mean that I'm someone who can't be alone or that I don't any mates. Because both of these reasons for loneliness, are not the issue. It's just that the way my life is right now, it doesn't involve close contact with my friends. But knowing this, still doesn't make me NOT think like this. Growing up, it was the most important thing in the world..having a solid group of friends and with that, a vibrant social life. Without that, wasn't it like being a loner, being friendless, being sad? Life as an "youngster" would be made so much harder because of it. For years, that's all you wanted and you thought it was all you needed to prove your worthiness..friends that will make your world a better place.. Well that was my thoughts on the matter anyhow..
Since leaving college at the age of 21, I've known that back then it's just how it was and that now life isn't like that anymore. Having x amount of friends doesn't prove anything. To have one or two, who are classed as true friends, is a blessing. If I'm honest, I have got some amazing true friends, all spread across the planet, on who I can always count. I don't see them regularly but that doesn't always have to be a problem. There are certain people I'll probably only see once every few years, but they'll always be there. Right now though, any friend would do. Any contact or any interaction. It doesn't need to be with some of dearest mates because I know that our friendship is "secure" and I don't need to have daily contact to feel reassured about this.
I guess what I'm getting at, is that be to loner, isn't bad or good. It just is. If I'm that or not, doesn't really matter. Maybe the feelings I've had over the weekend are telling me that I do want and need interaction with others. Not that I ever doubted this fact, or maybe I did for a short while. For months I didn't want or need contact, so I suppose I was a loner and thought that that was how I had to live my life. But, as this process is constantly changing, so are my needs. To feel like a new person, as I have been doing the past 4 weeks, and to also be missing a friend, contact and a social life is just me getting back in to my comfortable skin. And it's just me wanting to get on with life and needing contacts, to a certain extent, in order to do so.
So feeling lonely, doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have muck up my head. I don't need to feel like a failure because of it. I can just feel at ease that I'll embrace the contact that I soon will have and I'll know that I can also be alone and feel fine. Because I'll have regular contact with others which will give me the balance that is needed. The balance between spending time with others and spending time alone. Loneliness won't be an issue and if it is, it's just a sign that I'll have withdrawn myself for too long. So it never has to be a bad thing and it doesn't make me a failure. Everybody needs contact with others. It's a part of living. And as I'm feeling like a new person, I only yearning to live life as it should be lived.
Back to today's session, I left and didn't feel too happy. I'm not sure why. It might not be doing me good, going down there and not feeling like I need it anymore. Because that's how I felt today. I honestly didn't know why I had gone down. It might not sound that nice, for me to say this. It makes me feel so useless. Not having anything to say. It's not making me happy at all. It should be a good thing. Maybe it's just a sign that I don't need therapy anymore. But I don't know if I'm running away with myself, as I so often do. It's like I almost need an extra push, to know that I don't need this anymore. (I did have a dream last night, that there was a massive party for me, because I was all better. All my family was there, and everyone was hugging me..it was great) I've even thought about stopping this blog. I might not need it anymore. But whenever I think like that, I quickly realize that I do. Even if is to babble *****. I don't know. I shouldn't over think it all too much. Because everyday will come and go and this process will keep on going, as I'm still pushing myself in the direction I need to go and therefore time will tell. So I'll just go with it, and see what happens..
Since leaving college at the age of 21, I've known that back then it's just how it was and that now life isn't like that anymore. Having x amount of friends doesn't prove anything. To have one or two, who are classed as true friends, is a blessing. If I'm honest, I have got some amazing true friends, all spread across the planet, on who I can always count. I don't see them regularly but that doesn't always have to be a problem. There are certain people I'll probably only see once every few years, but they'll always be there. Right now though, any friend would do. Any contact or any interaction. It doesn't need to be with some of dearest mates because I know that our friendship is "secure" and I don't need to have daily contact to feel reassured about this.
I guess what I'm getting at, is that be to loner, isn't bad or good. It just is. If I'm that or not, doesn't really matter. Maybe the feelings I've had over the weekend are telling me that I do want and need interaction with others. Not that I ever doubted this fact, or maybe I did for a short while. For months I didn't want or need contact, so I suppose I was a loner and thought that that was how I had to live my life. But, as this process is constantly changing, so are my needs. To feel like a new person, as I have been doing the past 4 weeks, and to also be missing a friend, contact and a social life is just me getting back in to my comfortable skin. And it's just me wanting to get on with life and needing contacts, to a certain extent, in order to do so.
So feeling lonely, doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have muck up my head. I don't need to feel like a failure because of it. I can just feel at ease that I'll embrace the contact that I soon will have and I'll know that I can also be alone and feel fine. Because I'll have regular contact with others which will give me the balance that is needed. The balance between spending time with others and spending time alone. Loneliness won't be an issue and if it is, it's just a sign that I'll have withdrawn myself for too long. So it never has to be a bad thing and it doesn't make me a failure. Everybody needs contact with others. It's a part of living. And as I'm feeling like a new person, I only yearning to live life as it should be lived.
Back to today's session, I left and didn't feel too happy. I'm not sure why. It might not be doing me good, going down there and not feeling like I need it anymore. Because that's how I felt today. I honestly didn't know why I had gone down. It might not sound that nice, for me to say this. It makes me feel so useless. Not having anything to say. It's not making me happy at all. It should be a good thing. Maybe it's just a sign that I don't need therapy anymore. But I don't know if I'm running away with myself, as I so often do. It's like I almost need an extra push, to know that I don't need this anymore. (I did have a dream last night, that there was a massive party for me, because I was all better. All my family was there, and everyone was hugging me..it was great) I've even thought about stopping this blog. I might not need it anymore. But whenever I think like that, I quickly realize that I do. Even if is to babble *****. I don't know. I shouldn't over think it all too much. Because everyday will come and go and this process will keep on going, as I'm still pushing myself in the direction I need to go and therefore time will tell. So I'll just go with it, and see what happens..
Loneliness 1
After telling Diann this morning, as I've told her before over and over again and as I've written in my blog 1000 times as well, how well I've been doing and how good I've been feeling and how great and amazing I think the world is and how I excited I am, there was nothing left say. Not on my part anyhow.. I only had one question that I've been stuck with for weeks and weeks and can never seem to find the answer to: When will I know that it's over? Am I cured now?
Last week I said it to Diann, "I'm cured" and this week I said it again. The question is such a complex one. And answering it with a simple "yes" or "no", isn't really simple or easy. Especially not for her. How is she supposed to know, exactly how comfortable I'm feeling and that any feelings of uneasiness that do tend to arise, are only brought on by the fact that I don't want to be here in Ireland anymore? Can she know? Can anybody know? Or is it only me that can know the answer? Do I have to keep this good feeling going for a certain length of time, before I can safely say that I'm better? Or maybe it won't be until my physical state, is up and running, that I'll totally feel I'm over the eating disorder?
Right now, I'm so tired of talking about me and I'm tired of being as I am right now. I need so much more. The thing that's exhausting me the most, is having to constantly ask myself how I'm doing. It's the same old story over and over again of trying to figure out how and why different situations are effecting me. I don't think I need it anymore. Whenever I do think about it all, I get an instant fuzzy head. I feel drained and I don't need to feel this way. Why should I feel like a failure, for things going so well? Why does it make me feel like a waste of space, if I don't have any problems? Why did the hour I had with Diann this morning, make me feel like this? Is it because I can feel empty, without filling an hour with "proper" talk? Surely that's uncalled for? I should be proud that I've been doing so well and that I'm needing to focus on other things.
The small episode I had yesterday morning and Saturday night, was probably brought on by a couple of things. I could have lost some weight, because of the stomach bug I had last week and I could still be slightly food-deprived. I could have picked up on Ma not feeling too happy because of Tom's 3 year anniversary. But one thing I do know that was bringing me down on Saturday night, was the fact that I'm feeling lonely. I miss my friends, I miss a social life, I miss being in regular contact with them, I miss standing on my own 2 feet and my independence. I miss it all. Every night, when I go to bed, especially at the weekends (and Saturday nights it's the worst of all), the same thought comes into my mind and I instantly know that it's not true, but it's comes up anyhow.. I tell myself.. Is this it? Another day done, of just me in my own head, another day during which I've taken a walk, done some writing and reading and watching telly and eating and meditating. And tomorrow it will happen all over again and it will still be me in my own head. I know that it won't be for much longer, but at that moment, it doesn't help that feeling of loneliness.
It must sound so pathetic and it makes me annoyed that I feel like this, from time to time. But it could be only natural. Because, yes on the one hand I'm independent and don't mind being alone, but on the other hand, I need contact with my friends. Or contact with anybody other than Ma, Sean or Eileen, on a regular basis. I think in a way I should be glad that it only effects me now and then and that it doesn't rule my thinking 24 hours a day or bring me down too much. And for it to come up occasionally could also be good as it reminds me that I am more than this person who sits behind a computer, analyzing every mood, emotion and thought that comes with the daily ritual of me pushing myself to get stronger, with every week that passes..
.........
Last week I said it to Diann, "I'm cured" and this week I said it again. The question is such a complex one. And answering it with a simple "yes" or "no", isn't really simple or easy. Especially not for her. How is she supposed to know, exactly how comfortable I'm feeling and that any feelings of uneasiness that do tend to arise, are only brought on by the fact that I don't want to be here in Ireland anymore? Can she know? Can anybody know? Or is it only me that can know the answer? Do I have to keep this good feeling going for a certain length of time, before I can safely say that I'm better? Or maybe it won't be until my physical state, is up and running, that I'll totally feel I'm over the eating disorder?
Right now, I'm so tired of talking about me and I'm tired of being as I am right now. I need so much more. The thing that's exhausting me the most, is having to constantly ask myself how I'm doing. It's the same old story over and over again of trying to figure out how and why different situations are effecting me. I don't think I need it anymore. Whenever I do think about it all, I get an instant fuzzy head. I feel drained and I don't need to feel this way. Why should I feel like a failure, for things going so well? Why does it make me feel like a waste of space, if I don't have any problems? Why did the hour I had with Diann this morning, make me feel like this? Is it because I can feel empty, without filling an hour with "proper" talk? Surely that's uncalled for? I should be proud that I've been doing so well and that I'm needing to focus on other things.
The small episode I had yesterday morning and Saturday night, was probably brought on by a couple of things. I could have lost some weight, because of the stomach bug I had last week and I could still be slightly food-deprived. I could have picked up on Ma not feeling too happy because of Tom's 3 year anniversary. But one thing I do know that was bringing me down on Saturday night, was the fact that I'm feeling lonely. I miss my friends, I miss a social life, I miss being in regular contact with them, I miss standing on my own 2 feet and my independence. I miss it all. Every night, when I go to bed, especially at the weekends (and Saturday nights it's the worst of all), the same thought comes into my mind and I instantly know that it's not true, but it's comes up anyhow.. I tell myself.. Is this it? Another day done, of just me in my own head, another day during which I've taken a walk, done some writing and reading and watching telly and eating and meditating. And tomorrow it will happen all over again and it will still be me in my own head. I know that it won't be for much longer, but at that moment, it doesn't help that feeling of loneliness.
It must sound so pathetic and it makes me annoyed that I feel like this, from time to time. But it could be only natural. Because, yes on the one hand I'm independent and don't mind being alone, but on the other hand, I need contact with my friends. Or contact with anybody other than Ma, Sean or Eileen, on a regular basis. I think in a way I should be glad that it only effects me now and then and that it doesn't rule my thinking 24 hours a day or bring me down too much. And for it to come up occasionally could also be good as it reminds me that I am more than this person who sits behind a computer, analyzing every mood, emotion and thought that comes with the daily ritual of me pushing myself to get stronger, with every week that passes..
.........
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday Evening no.2
Walking down the road, the first house, that brought back a familiar name, was Lorraine Kenny's house, I remember watching the Simpsons for the first time in that house. Then there was the Ivory's and the Ryan's, both families still live there. Next door was Noami and Sandra's old house. Then there were the Hickey's. I used to fancy one of their sons, Patrick Hickey, when I was 7 or 8. Then there was Lorna Kelty's, Noami's old friend. Across the road again, was Nicole Ford's house and next door an "old man" lived who had lost half of his arm (that always freaked me out a little). Beside them lived a girl who was in my class, who had an operation done on her ears, when we were in 1st class. Back across the road, there lived one of Orla's friends, Georgina and I'll always remember her father giving Emma guitar lessons. Beside them were the Van der Heijdens. They were dutch and their daughter Francis was my age, and we would always have a "love-hate" relationship. Many a time I remember getting myself or Ma into trouble with her mother, because of me "blabbing" too much. Beside them was another girl who I went to school with, Nicola. She was always called a "cry-baby" (how awful kids can be, calling each other names..). And back across the road, were our old next door neighbours, Billy (who worked in a soap factory and used to always bring us bars of soap, which we loved for some reason..haha) and Mary and their daughter Patrice (who is Eileens age) who still live there, and our other neighbours to too, who used to have this massive big dog, that scared the life out of us all. In between the two, was our old house, number 139. It still has the same windows as 15 years ago and it's looks so nice. I felt like ringing the doorbell, and asking for a quick look around. But of course I didn't.
It was just the strangest feeling the actually walk down that road. It always seemed to be hilly and walking down and around the corner, used to feel like venturing out in to the big wide world. Because that one street, back then, was our world. It felt so big, but it was just so tiny. So many different people that made our world, all living so close to each other. And probably half of those people, don't live there anymore. Great memories, that were all a lifetime ago...
So I kept on walking and slowly made my way back home. By the end of the walk, I was totally back on track. I was feeling refreshed, "airer" and energized. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel in my body that I'd been walking for a lot longer than I'm used to. That walk was the furthest I've gone, since last August. So it was big. My back was sore afterwards and I was tired. But that didn't matter, because I had proven that I'm able to handle a bad day by NOT crawling back into bed, and that it will pick me up and make me feel normal again. So I didn't really care.
Then we went out to dinner. This is the first time I've eaten out since June. So it was quite a big thing. But I didn't make it into that. I just went with the flow. I had salmon and a roast potato and salad. It was pretty nice and I didn't stress about how it was all prepared. Because would normally be the big hurdle, when eating out.. the not knowing what oil or butter the fish has been fried in, or how much dressing has been used on the salad.. things like that. But I didn't think about any of that.. There was no guilt. Just goes to show what a difference 7 or 8 hours can make. One minute I'm feeling guilty for eating a biscuit (when I can see on the packet exactly what's in them) and a short while later I don't even think about what fatty butter has been used to cook the fish in.. Isn't that weird, how the mind-setting or the way of thinking can change so quickly and so drastically? It continues to amaze me. But anyhow, I was eating out and I was feeling fine. I was happy to chat, I was comfortable and not at all paranoid.
Right now, I'm still feeling okay. The past 2 nights I've had to sit with an awful feeling of guilt for eating a biscuit but I don't know if I'd be okay to have one now. I suppose I won't know until I try. As I'm writing this, I can't quite believe that somedays I manage to feel guilty for eating something that's tasty. Lately I'd think about all the guilt and sometimes I can't imagine that I'd ever have to deal with feeling that kind of guilt again. But, on nights like last night or mornings like this morning, it's like the most normal thing to feel and I can't imagine ever NOT feeling guilty for putting anything in to my mouth, no matter how healthy or fatty or tasty.. It wouldn't matter. But I suppose the difference is in the moods. And, as with any other feeling, it can be so overwhelming that being or feeling any other way, just seems something of a completely different ball-game. So I'm not going to analyze it too much. It just is as it is. It comes and go, and will continue to do so. For how long? Nobody knows. So I'll just deal with it when it's needed and leave it at that.. Signing off for now..
It was just the strangest feeling the actually walk down that road. It always seemed to be hilly and walking down and around the corner, used to feel like venturing out in to the big wide world. Because that one street, back then, was our world. It felt so big, but it was just so tiny. So many different people that made our world, all living so close to each other. And probably half of those people, don't live there anymore. Great memories, that were all a lifetime ago...
So I kept on walking and slowly made my way back home. By the end of the walk, I was totally back on track. I was feeling refreshed, "airer" and energized. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel in my body that I'd been walking for a lot longer than I'm used to. That walk was the furthest I've gone, since last August. So it was big. My back was sore afterwards and I was tired. But that didn't matter, because I had proven that I'm able to handle a bad day by NOT crawling back into bed, and that it will pick me up and make me feel normal again. So I didn't really care.
Then we went out to dinner. This is the first time I've eaten out since June. So it was quite a big thing. But I didn't make it into that. I just went with the flow. I had salmon and a roast potato and salad. It was pretty nice and I didn't stress about how it was all prepared. Because would normally be the big hurdle, when eating out.. the not knowing what oil or butter the fish has been fried in, or how much dressing has been used on the salad.. things like that. But I didn't think about any of that.. There was no guilt. Just goes to show what a difference 7 or 8 hours can make. One minute I'm feeling guilty for eating a biscuit (when I can see on the packet exactly what's in them) and a short while later I don't even think about what fatty butter has been used to cook the fish in.. Isn't that weird, how the mind-setting or the way of thinking can change so quickly and so drastically? It continues to amaze me. But anyhow, I was eating out and I was feeling fine. I was happy to chat, I was comfortable and not at all paranoid.
Right now, I'm still feeling okay. The past 2 nights I've had to sit with an awful feeling of guilt for eating a biscuit but I don't know if I'd be okay to have one now. I suppose I won't know until I try. As I'm writing this, I can't quite believe that somedays I manage to feel guilty for eating something that's tasty. Lately I'd think about all the guilt and sometimes I can't imagine that I'd ever have to deal with feeling that kind of guilt again. But, on nights like last night or mornings like this morning, it's like the most normal thing to feel and I can't imagine ever NOT feeling guilty for putting anything in to my mouth, no matter how healthy or fatty or tasty.. It wouldn't matter. But I suppose the difference is in the moods. And, as with any other feeling, it can be so overwhelming that being or feeling any other way, just seems something of a completely different ball-game. So I'm not going to analyze it too much. It just is as it is. It comes and go, and will continue to do so. For how long? Nobody knows. So I'll just deal with it when it's needed and leave it at that.. Signing off for now..
Sunday Evening no.1
Sunday evening, and it's been a little bit tricky. Trickier than any other day this week. It started last night and I'm not too sure what was the matter. But there was so much guilt when it came to eating, that it really brought me down. A biscuit was too much, a piece of bread wasn't necessary. And I was dreaming about food again and slightly stressed out about what to have for breakfast and lunch. I didn't want to get up because I didn't want to have to make a decision as to what to have for breakfast. So I lay in bed reading for a while. But there was only so long I could put it off for. I had breakfast anyhow, but didn't really want to. I felt alien again, whilst eating. It seemed like a weird and awful thing to be doing and I felt like a pig. So much guilt for no apparent reason.
I started to get really down and for the first time in weeks, I was kind of breaking-down. I couldn't stop crying, wanted to crawl out of my skin, couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror, wanted to be sick and my heart was weighing so heavily on my chest. I don't know what was wrong. I wanted to go back to bed really. But I didn't let myself. I knew that I could get through a few tears without needing to close myself off. I could do this. I didn't want to give in to these feelings and end up ruining the day. Today was also 3 years since Tom passed away and we were going out for a meal, to mark his anniversary. I didn't want to be in a bad mood and I didn't want anything to effect me.
So, since I'm getting stronger, physically, I was able to turn things around by going for a walk, instead of going back to bed and shutting the outside world out of my inside world. I knew I'd be able to get back on track, my embracing the outside world and making it apart of my inside world. I left the house and was close to tears. Do you think I knew why? Of course not. But the fresh air instantly made me feel like a new person. It was so nice. Mr. Acupuncturist said to me before, whenever feeling like I've an extra weight to carry in my chest (which is more than likely trapped anxiety), that the only thing that will get rid of it, is a long walk and for ages this solution wasn't an option for me. But today it was, and it will continue to be, as I rebuild my strength. I didn't plan on going for a certain amount of time. I was "timeless" so it was purely a walk to get some fresh air and to clear my head because it was feeling fuzzy and I was dazed by it.
I ended up walking further than I ever thought I'd be able for, so soon. I was gone from the house for nearly an hour and a half. It was so so nice. The air is starting to warm up again and there was a feeling of spring. I walked over to Fernhill, the road where I grew up. It was so strange. It wasn't my intention to take a "trip down memory lane", but that was just where my legs were taking me. I hadn't been down that road, in so many years and I thought it could be interesting. It looked so small. In my memory, it's a long road and wide road. But in reality it's quite short and narrow. Nearly every house I passed, I could remember the name of the family that used to live there 15 years ago. Some of the families are still there, I reckon. Nearly every house on that road was connected to the web of friends, families and acquaintances that was my life back then before moving to Holland nearly 17 years ago.
....
I started to get really down and for the first time in weeks, I was kind of breaking-down. I couldn't stop crying, wanted to crawl out of my skin, couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror, wanted to be sick and my heart was weighing so heavily on my chest. I don't know what was wrong. I wanted to go back to bed really. But I didn't let myself. I knew that I could get through a few tears without needing to close myself off. I could do this. I didn't want to give in to these feelings and end up ruining the day. Today was also 3 years since Tom passed away and we were going out for a meal, to mark his anniversary. I didn't want to be in a bad mood and I didn't want anything to effect me.
So, since I'm getting stronger, physically, I was able to turn things around by going for a walk, instead of going back to bed and shutting the outside world out of my inside world. I knew I'd be able to get back on track, my embracing the outside world and making it apart of my inside world. I left the house and was close to tears. Do you think I knew why? Of course not. But the fresh air instantly made me feel like a new person. It was so nice. Mr. Acupuncturist said to me before, whenever feeling like I've an extra weight to carry in my chest (which is more than likely trapped anxiety), that the only thing that will get rid of it, is a long walk and for ages this solution wasn't an option for me. But today it was, and it will continue to be, as I rebuild my strength. I didn't plan on going for a certain amount of time. I was "timeless" so it was purely a walk to get some fresh air and to clear my head because it was feeling fuzzy and I was dazed by it.
I ended up walking further than I ever thought I'd be able for, so soon. I was gone from the house for nearly an hour and a half. It was so so nice. The air is starting to warm up again and there was a feeling of spring. I walked over to Fernhill, the road where I grew up. It was so strange. It wasn't my intention to take a "trip down memory lane", but that was just where my legs were taking me. I hadn't been down that road, in so many years and I thought it could be interesting. It looked so small. In my memory, it's a long road and wide road. But in reality it's quite short and narrow. Nearly every house I passed, I could remember the name of the family that used to live there 15 years ago. Some of the families are still there, I reckon. Nearly every house on that road was connected to the web of friends, families and acquaintances that was my life back then before moving to Holland nearly 17 years ago.
....
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