A wee poem

Why does life take certain twists and turns?
To make us stronger or for our souls to burn?
Is it fair that some are blessed and others have pain?
Is the balance unequal or is it all fair game?

Is there a reason, I hear myself ask
To overcome certain impossible tasks?
Is it all just a test that we pass or fail?
And we sink or swim after our strength is unveiled?

Is it destiny that bad things will challenge us?
Is there really a need for us to deal with the fuss?
There will only a reason if we take it on and turn it around
Or else the shit is still there, lying on the ground.

Should we just deal with it as best we can?
Or ignore it and hope the shit will never hit the fan?
The easiest answer is to run and hide
The wisest answer is to take it in our stride.

But as we do, where do we find the inner strength?
And will we push it to unbelievable lengths?
Without it, challenges are far more daring
So we must find it, use it and start caring..

A constant frown

Why am I such a bitch?
Why am I so unhappy?
Why do I not care?
Why do I feel so shitty?

Is this now my life?
Is this what's meant to be?
Is there a way out?
Is there still a happy me?

I'm lost and cannot see
I'm not knowing who I am
I'm not knowing where I'm going
I'm not seeing what I can

When will it be over?
When will this let me go?
When can I start living?
When and how will I know?

I hate what Anna has done
I hate feeling so down
I hate everyday I wake up
I hate my constant frown

All I want is my life
All I want is my health
All I want is out there for me
But I have to fix it myself..

Competitiveness is the name of the game

Watching certain things on the television, certain documentaries, certain movies. You see it everywhere, but don't really realize that they are talking about you..

I was watching something on telly last night, about 2 girls doing an experiment on trying get super skinny within 5 weeks, like size double zero (American sizes). They were starting to show certain signs of eating disorders in their early stages.. They were obsessing about exercise, dreaming about food 24 hours a day, feeling dizzy, weak, cold, binging, anxious, moody, headaches.. lots of other different stuff as well. After the experiment was finished, they were allowed to eat normally again.. And they could without any problems they went back to eating 3 normal meals a day, because they recognized the signs early enough, to take charge and to get back to normal. They knew that if they were to keep up the lifestyle they were living, that they would develop an eating disorder.. How lucky are they. They just went back to living and eating. They were evaluating the experiment afterwards and one girl said: "My life would not be worth living, if the signs had gotten worse and if I really had gone down that road of developing an eating disorder".

But it wasn't so much a wake-up call, which it should have been. It was more like a drive to keep me going.. I went straight to bed after watching the documentary, and all I could think about, was how long can I keep this up for? It's like being in a competition.. How much more weight can I loose than her, or how little can I eat if I compare my daily food consumption to hers? It probably sent me in the wrong direction.. I can punish myself just a little bit more.. just a tiny bit.. So then, I will be a proper anorexic.. and then I will be happy.. just one little more push.. Can I go that far? Then, I will know that I have the willpower to push my body to the limits I will just let it all go? Is that possible? I don't think so..

So really, it wasn't that great watching such documentaries.. I have another one on a tape, don't know if it's wise to look at it.. Why aren't they opening my eyes?? They should make me see, how my life is ruined! That I'm not living, and that I've never ever been this miserable..

My mam was in contact with other parents of anorexic girls, and she was starting to tell me about them.. but, oh no, straight away, I said.. please no.. Don't tell me.. Because they were all sicker than me, and that made me feel like shit, because if they could make themselves sicker than I am.. can't I make myself sicker as well? Why can't I make myself sicker? Why do those other girls have to be stronger than me? Do they have more willpower? Isn't that unfair? I told mam straight away, don't tell me anymore, because then I feel like there's not a problem and that I'm fine, there's nothing wrong and I'm healthy. And this undoes all the progress I have made, in trying to realize that I have an illness and that I'm not okay.. So mam isn't going to tell me how the other girls are doing.. I don't want to hear about it.

Why is it that it is all so competitive? I never really realized that. Diann did say it, but it wasn't until I actually heard that there are other girls out there, so much more sicker than me, that I started to feel uneasy.. asking myself "why can't I get that bad?".. It's so strange.. punishment is all it's about.. nothing more nothing less..

I also have a book about a girl who overcame anorexia, but now I'm afraid to read it.. Maybe it's too soon? Maybe it would give me the wake-up call I need right now? Maybe it will send me in the wrong direction? I don't know.. Do I just not want to deal with it? Do I not want to see it? Do I want to walk around with my eyes shut? Do I want to keep Anna close? At this moment in time, I really don't have a clue..

It's the little remarks that hurt the most

Certain remarks that people around me make, totally piss me off..

As soon as somebody else, other than my mam, sister or brother, are in the house and I'm eating, I don't want to finish it anymore, because I'm being watched and I know what they are thinking. It puts me off and Anna is strong at that moment and it makes me feel good to throw 2 mouthfuls in the bin. It means I don't have to digest it.. and then I get a remark.."why are you throwing that out? It's ONLY 2 mouthfuls.." O my god.. But it's NOT just 2 mouthfuls, it so much more.. Do you think, that if I thought about 2 mouthfuls like that, that I would be in the position I am now? I don't think so..
Or a remark like: "yeah, you could have that for lunch?".. excuse me.. Lunch? When was the last you seen me eating lunch? don't you know my daily intake of food and don't you know that I don't eat lunch! If I ate lunch, I probably wouldn't be the weight I am at the moment.. oh god.. sometimes I just cannot take it.. and I try to think.. okay, It's so hard for everyone trying to understand.. But, come on.. LUNCH!! 2 MOUTHFULS!

When these remarks have been said, it makes me feel like a freak, because of course, 2 mouthfuls is nothing and everyone eats lunch..
But it's what has become normal to me, living life not according to the "normal" measures. Not thinking according to "normal" standards.. But then.. what is "normal"?
That's a total different discussion..

A remark like: "Niamh, nobody is going to do this for you and you have to do your bit too.."
That was like a stab to the heart. As if I'm not dealing with this disease. As if I've still been starving myself like months ago. As if I haven't been trying to eat. As if I haven't been eating all my extra foods everyday. As if I haven't been listening to Diann. As if I don't want to beat this. I have been trying so so hard,the past weeks have been a living hell, and they just seem to be getting worse and then for someone to turn around and say that I'm not doing my bit.. As if I expect everyone around me to fix me. I know I have to do the work myself. And I'm trying so so hard. It just wasn't fair to say that.. And of course, I know I'm a burden on everyone at the moment.. And that everyone would be better off if I would just hurry up and stuff my face with shitty foods, put on weight and then leave everybody the hell alone, so everyone can get back to living their normal lives without a small, thick little anorexic fart in the way. Don't you all think I'm aware of this?
I know what I have to do.. It sounds so easy.. But it's not and But I just can't..

It's easier to give in, than to fight

How bad am I? How stupid am I? But do I care? I don't think so.. Not when I'm feeling numb, when I'm feeling lifeless, when I get up in the morning and feel the need to keep myself occupied all day, so as not to be lazy, then I really don't care if I'm not listening to Diann's advice and to Fay inside my head. Then I just can't be bothered. And whenever dinnertime comes round.. which always seems to be too quick, I don't want to think about food. Why does the world revolve around food? What is that all about? Can I not just stop eating forever, and not have to think about food anymore? Because it's driving me mad, and I don't want to think and analyze anymore. I'm sick to death of it! Sick of worrying about putting on weight.. I've had it.

At times like this, when I think about other anorexics on hospital beds, being fed by a tube, fighting for their lives, and I understand exactly why and how they let themselves get that bad. Because it is so easy just to turn against food, because it drives you mental.. literally.. It drives you that insane that it's easier to not eat anymore. Just totally switch off, and train your body to live on nothing. It's so easy.. Dealing with it, dealing with the fight of food, that's the hard bit. And when it gets this bad, it's not even about losing weight anymore. That's not the issue. It's just the emotional turmoil that putting one mouthful into your mouth, brings with it.. Nobody can imagine it. The mind is just so overpowering, that it's scary. All anorexics know that they are damaging their body, probably for life. But they, or we, don't care. That's not the issue anymore. You just exist to resist food. Constantly. Day in, day out. You're life wouldn't be worth living, if you ate 3 proper meals a day. It sometimes isn't worth the emotional pain to eat all that food and to feel so bad about it, that giving in is easier. That's why some choose death over life.

Nobody can know, what it feels like to not be able to eat normally, without thinking and analyzing. I'm so often so jealous of people around who just sit down and enjoy a chicken curry, or chicken tikka.. I'm mouthwatering just thinking about it..
I've had it so much, with this sh*t.. really I have. I'd love to say that I would give anything to sit and enjoy a big plate of Indian curry, but obviously I wouldn't or else I would push myself and be so so strong and just do it.. But there's something there stopping me from doing this.. It's the guilt that would follow it.. the disgusting feeling of me being a pig.. I don't want to be a pig.. My god, I'm terrified right now.. please, don't let me turn into that person.. I don't want to be her anymore, I don't want to be me anymore..

Update on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

Where do I start..
It's been 2 days, without any updates, and it feels like forever.

I cannot begin to say what has been going on with me, since Wednesday..Because, to be honest, I haven't a clue myself..
I've had hours of feeling numb.. feeling nothing.. feeling empty. If anyone were to ask me: "How are you feeling?" I wouldn't have been able to answer.
It's a constant struggle, between feeling like sh*t, not wanting to eat, wanting to give into feeling like a heap of sh*t and wishing the days away. Asking myself everyday.. can I make it through another day?

Wednesday wasn't a good day.. bad times.. emotional, I wanted to eat my dinner so badly, but I couldn't, it wasn't Anna, it was my stomach. It wouldn't work with me.. It couldn't take the dinner, which were noodles and a bit a tuna. It was the first time that I wanted it so badly but wasn't able, that I cried my eyes out afterwards.. I don't know what came over me. I just felt so awful. The fact that I'm am now living the life of the people who you see documentaries on tv about. That is me. And 95% of the time I either don't realize or I don't care. And that's what so awful about the whole thing.

Not wanting to speak. Having so much thoughts going around in your head, even just the simplest comment about something on the news or the radio.. It's in my head, but I just cannot be bothered to say it. Not wanting to share any of these thoughts. Because it's an effort. It takes energy to speak.. and that's something I don't have.

After having a bad day, like Wednesday, the pressure is on, because I missed my extra's and I cannot afford, physically, to miss another day of my extra foods. So then the whole thing continues. Planning what I'm going to eat at what times and just hoping that I won't feel guilty and full and that my stomach will be able to digest it all. And at the same time, knowing that I'm being watched by my mam (I know, ma, you have to..), which puts on more pressure and that works against me, and makes me totally not want to eat.. Then I just want to be alone in a room with me and my food. I don't want the looks.. the observing.. it makes it more difficult. If I then overeat and I feel like a fat pig I know that they are happy.. because I'll be eating uncontrollably and feeling like shit the rest of the night and the following morning.
How can they be so happy, knowing that I'm so sad?
I need to understand why they think like this.

I'm not allowed to go walking, so on Thursday I didn't. But it was all for the wrong reasons.. I decided not to go, because I could hardly walk. Walking to the toilet was an effort, walking up the stairs was an effort. My legs were sore and tired and could have collapsed from under me at anytime. If I would have had the energy, I would have walked. So I wasn't listening to Fay, because she would have said, even if you have energy, you are not walking and you need to rebuild your strength by resting.. Anna would have said, if you have the energy, go walking and burn those calories! I did eat my extras on Thursday, which was good.

But Anna is still so strong.. Friday she was so strong again. Fay didn't even come into my head, she hasn't really been on my mind at all.. I just had my yogurt with some nuts, as I have every morning, and then some vegetables for dinner in a wrap. I didn't even have 1 extra. And you know what? I didn't even care that I didn't. I felt good, had energy, felt strong..

So, all in all, Anna has been overpowering. Today I don't want either of them in my head.. The past days I've been feeling numb, today I'm just pissed off with the whole world. And I don't want either of them in my head.. F*ck them both. It's tiring, It gives me a fuzzing head, It's wearing me out. I'm just sick of it..

The thoughts just 1 email can trigger

I just received an email from an old school mate. Great girl she is. She was saying that she is off to work on a cruise for 6 months. She also told me the route she is taking, all over the world, is where she'll be heading..

5 minutes later, my little sister Eileen, asked me if I wanted to walk down the town with her. My answer: "I'm not allowed"(fighting back the tears as I spoke the words)..
What went through me, while hearing myself saying that, I cannot describe. Especially after just reading about my mate going off on that cruise, which has long been on my list of things I want to do in life..
I'm physically NOT ABLE to walk down the town (which is usually around 25 minutes, but at my current speed..maybe 40 minutes), and for me to want to treat my body kindly, I'm NOT ALLOWED.

What I wouldn't give to be in my mates shoes right now. She is leaving next week.. to cruise around this beautiful planet of ours, and here's me after putting myself under so much strain, pain, pressure and sh*t, that I cannot even go for a walk..

What a difference.. This isn't living.. What I'm doing now, is just f*cking breathing and eating and trying to fill my days with nothingness..
I walked to my mothers' work, which would usually take me 15 minutes, shorter maybe.. Today it took me 25 minutes. I was tempted to turn back when I was on my way, knowing that I'd have to walk back again. But I made it, there and back. Diann won't be pleased, but at least I did something..

How can a person feel so bad, and not know if it is because of Anna and because my body feels like it's deteriorating or if it's all in my head. Is this sh*tty feeling mental or physical? I really cannot answer it. And it's pretty frustrating.. If I knew what caused it, I could do something about it.. maybe.. If I were to feel up for it, if I had the energy, If I was willing to.

It's so easy to give into the mood the hangs above your head. I know so well that you can change the mood you're in.. That can be hard, of course it's easier to just let that present mood be there and make you feel even worse. But you can turn it around. But I don't want to.. What if that's the case.. What if I'm just not bothered at the moment in turning this mood around? Am I a failure for giving in? Or am I punishing myself by not turning around my sh*tty mood? Or am I punishing myself if I do force myself to turn my sh*tty mood around? Because that means I have to push myself.. and be productive and do things... and then we're back to square one.. because that is Anna talking, and Anna won't let me be lazy and do nothing, because if I were to do nothing I'd not be burning calories and I would be resting my body and trying to recover and that's Fay... So this is such a vicious circle..

Where and when and how can I break this circle? Will it go round and round forever?
And just to think.. My thinking and analyzing like this has been brought on by one email, from a great girl, living and doing exactly what she wants. She's in her prime.. what I wouldn't give to be in the middle of life, just like her.. Just like all my family and friends.. You guys are all so great.. The best ever.. I love you all so much..

It pisses me off.. big time..

If you don't wanna read about someone giving out about just about everything, then there's no point in reading this post. If you're having a good day, please don't feel you have to, it's just full of sh*t..

Yesterday started so well, but ended so bad and I don't know why..

Fay was strong for the first part of the day. I was listening to her, she was great. I saw everything so positive. I ate everything I needed to..
My daily food menu: Yogurt, a piece of fruit, a muesli bar or a portion of dried fruit, and at dinner a small portion of rice or noodles with either fish/chicken/meat/veg. This is Diann's menu for the following week, it's essential that I have a daily intake of carbohydrates, to keep up my energy levels, amongst other things.

I didn't even mind eating yesterday.. Until dinnertime, then it all kinda turned around in a flash.. a turn of 180 degrees.. to come back and smack me in the face.. and there it was, the weight of the world on my shoulders.Where had it come from, I don't have a clue. I did eat my rice with some smoked salmon, but I felt awful. I couldn't shake the feeling. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. For the rest of the night it stuck and I was miserable. At this moment in time, it still hasn't gone. But I have already eaten today, which I know is good, but I'm not bothered really.. Couldn't give a sh*t to put it bluntly. I don't want to be positive today even though I know I should be. I just don't feel like it. And if anyone asks me how I'm feeling, I'll burst into tears if I think about how I'm really feeling.

Another thing.. Diann has told me to get rid of the weighing scales.. which is another massive step. I don't want to get rid of it. She asked me if I would do it..Well, yeah, I don't think you're giving me much choice in the matter.. Fuck..
So yesterday was the last time I weighed myself, still the same by the way. And now it's gone. Diann will weigh me once a week from now on. Which totally freaks me out, because she'll be weighing me in the evening, after a full day of drinking and eating, fully clothed, and that will make me 1,5 kilo's heavier.. Which scares the hell out of me. She said that she doesn't have to tell me my weight, which might make it easier.. I didn't quite know what to say to that.. I'm still thinking about it. But already dreading next Monday, when I have to stand on it. I'm not happy about that at all.
And the worst thing about this whole "relationship" with that f*cking scales, is that, when I stand on it, and I haven't put on weight, I can sit down and enjoy my food and I will let myself eat. It's once I'll be putting on weight, that I won't enjoy the food and that I won't want to eat. That's what's gonna happen and it's making me panic just thinking about it. What the hell am I gonna do?

It pisses me off that my days are so unpredictable.. the way I'm up and down.. It's f*cking tiring. And when I'm down, I cannot imagine ever being up and being wanting to chat about nothing and just be in good company. And when I'm up, I cannot imagine why I was feeling like the world was on my shoulders and why I wasn't bothered to talk or be social in any way. They are 2 extremes.. so far apart from each other in my head, but so near when looking at it on a timescale.. The weirdest thing.

Another thing.. Diann has told me to leave off the walking. I have to cut back on that AS WELL! That is totally pissing me off today.She said it last week too, so I cut down.. was walking probably around 1 to 1,5 hours a day, instead of 2 or 3 like the weeks before. But I did go for a walk yesterday, even though I knew I wasn't doing as I was supposed to do, I was listening to Anna, but it was nice weather, and I had eaten well and I was feeling good (well, for the first part of the day anyhow). She doesn't want me walking anywhere. The food I'm putting into my body needs to be used to rebuild my strength, muscle tissue, regain energy, restore fats.. bla bla bla.. and if I walk, then the energy from the foods is being burnt and my weight will keep on dropping. But I don't wanna sit in the house all day long.. I reckon if I cut it back gradually it should be okay.. Maybe just an hour today? Just a short one, to get me some fresh air.
And the main thing about the walking, is that if I don't do it, before I have to eat dinner, I'm not hungry. My stomach is still full from all that food. So I feel the need to walk, to get my metabolism going. If I don't do this, I cannot eat dinner.. It's like a vicious circle.

And Another thing.. I'm so sick of having a sore and swollen stomach. It's really pissing me off. Last night, my food didn't digest until 4 hours after I'd eaten it! That is just f*cking ridiculous.. And the burning sensation is not the enjoyable either..Because I can feel my stomach trying to stretch to absorb the food, which takes ages, and then it still needs to be digested. That burning sensation is not nice at all, I feel that I'm straining my body and that it's really not necessary. I don't need this food and I especially don't need it, if I'm not enjoying it.. why should I? Making myself feel even more shit than I already do.. I really don't see the point..

And Another thing.. I'm sick of being treated like a child. Being told what to do.. Being watched like a hawk.. I know I've only myself to blame for all this, but it still pisses me off, and if I start giving out to the people around me, my poor mother for instance, then it will only make things worse for all of us.

So, I'm sorry to burden you all with my sh*t, but I warned you at the start of this message..

Anna is the log in the river

Life follows the course of a river.
We are all people living our lives, safely on the bank.
Events that challenge us, are gushing by.
With so much power and force.

But suddenly the bank breaks.
I have fallen into the river.
I have grabbed hold of a log.. this is safe.
This is Anna.

My family and friends are on the other side.
They are wanting to help me.
I want to reach out.
And therefore I must let go of the log.

Time and time again they call out.
I am terrified of letting go.
Because I cannot fight the force of the river.
I might drown.

What will happen if I don't let go?
I will stay forever distant.
Distant and isolated from my family, friends and my life.
But safe with Anna.

I have to challenge myself to take the risk.
I have to leave Anna, my log.
I have push across the river.
I have to take their hands.
I have to put my trust in those who love me.
I have to be brave and believe that I will survive.
I am therefore reaching.
I will struggle.
I will make it.
I will grab hold and I won't let go.

Anna, the log, will be broken by the force of the river.
She will be swept away.
I will be safe.
I will know then, that surviving the river, I will survive anything.

The Diamond will shine once again..

There is a totally different way of looking at people, that can adjust the way you look at the world..

Every person who is born, has a diamond.
Everyone has a beautiful, sparkling diamond on the inside and it's a gift to be treasured.
This diamond is a persons' self worth. Everybody is a person a deserves to be here. Everyone deserves to feel love, to be happy, to be healthy and, most importantly, everyone should feel worthy of themselves to see that they deserve to care for themselves and to love themselves for who they are. This self worth can alter throughout the years, by what people go through, their upbringing and beliefs they have been taught by their surroundings or have brought on themselves.
A person expresses this self worth through their self esteem. A person who is worthy of themselves, expresses this to the world through confidence.

People who care for themselves and love themselves on the inside, shine all the time. They shine, in good times and in bad times. They shine, no matter how lucky or unlucky they are. They shine, if they do or don't have money. They shine, when they make the right and wrong choices. This shine, comes from within. The key is to love and care for yourself when you are at your worst. When you are feeling lower than you could ever imagine, when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, when you have lost the light at the end of the tunnel.. These are the times that a person needs to love themselves and tell themselves.. "I AM WORTHWHILE, I DO DESERVE TO BE HERE, I AM STILL A GOOD PERSON, I DESERVE TO LIVE, I AM HERE ON THIS PLANET TO SHINE.. Because it's easy to love yourself when you are doing well and have been successful and are feeling happy. But it's when a person can love themselves when they are not being successful or when they are feeling unhappy, that this person truly has the self esteem and knows that they STILL, NO MATTER WHAT, deserve to be here.

What a person does with their self worth, can be determined by their beliefs. A confident person, feels their self worth and their self esteem will express this strong feeling. They know they deserve to be here, they know they are a good person no matter what they achieve, loose, gain or receive in life. There will be a constant shine coming from within, touching the hearts of everyone they meet.

People who shine, are the richest people on the planet. Because what is life, if you don't feel worthy? What is the point in living, if you don't feel you deserve to be here? There is nobody else on this earth, except you, who will be able to see that you are a good person. Family and friends will tell you, but if you don't believe it yourself, it is meaningless. They always say, that before you can let somebody love you and totally appreciate this love and feel like you deserve to be loved, you have to love yourself first. Someone can have all the love in the world, surrounding them, but if this person doesn't love themselves and cannot see what it is that everyone loves so much, isn't it meaningless to this person?

Is there a more fulfilling feeling than knowing that you are worthwhile? You are a good person and you touch the people meet.. Knowing you are worthwhile is a gift, because you are then your own best friend, you know to look after yourself, you know you must care for yourself, you know you deserve friendship and love, you know you can rely on you to get yourself through bad things that life throws at you. Is there a more comforting feeling the world, know that you can always, no matter what happens, depend on number 1 to know what's best for you. Everyone deserves the best.. even me..

I suppose what I want to say is that, everybody has this diamond, if you have lost it along the way, it is never too late to dig deep and find it. Let it shine, we only get one chance in this life and we all should feel worthy. We deserve to be here. I'm going to find my diamond, because I AM worthwhile and even though Anna tells me everyday I don't deserve a meal, I do, because I am a human being just like everyone else..

I have to strength and I will find mine again.. I hope, if you have lost yours, that you also find the inner strength to make yours shine again too..

This Blog runs deep..

Just after finishing my 3rd session with my therapist Diann.

You would think, that after the first few visits to a therapist, it would get easier for a patient to go into a room and just spill their thoughts, feelings, doubts and troubles within the space of an hour. Well, I can tell you now, this is not the case.
My third time, and still it seems weird and I really didn't want to go. I sat in the car, dreading the thoughts of having to focus so much and think so hard about my feelings for a full hour.. I just wanted it to be over.

I came in, and straight away: How was your week? Good or bad? Okay, give me chance I was thinking to myself.. And it is not the norm to say: "fine, good, no problems". Because that's not what you're there for. How did I really feel and how was the past week really?

The answer, in one word: Emotional. But why? How? What set off these feelings? Why did I burst into tears on a regular basis over the smallest little things? I knew what it was. I had given it some thought of course, before going to the session, because I knew she would ask. There are so many issues at the moment, that I am trying to give a certain place. I can only deal with certain things, when I have accepted and dealt with other issues. The first one, was the fact the I am in Ireland and have left my life in Holland behind. I found myself being so angry with the world, because of that. Why did I have to take such drastic steps? I found it unfair that I had to do this. But then I realized throughout the course of the week, that if I focus on everything I miss in Holland, like my friends, socializing, working, my sisters, and just having fun then I won't be able to focus on the real reason I am here in Ireland. And that reason is to get better. So to focus on getting better, I need to accept the fact that I am now in Ireland, if it makes me happy or not. I have to accept that I'm not in party-mood for months to come. I have to accept that there isn't another place on this earth I could be at the moment to overcome Anna.

That was what was keeping my mind active the past week. I have just accepted to let it go and focus on dealing with this illness.

At the same time, there is the realization of just how ill I am. After last weeks session, while I was writing my blog, I came to realize so much and it probably took the whole week for this to slowly sink in. Even though I still have days (or even hours of certain days) that I think there is nothing wrong and that everyone is just making a fuss about nothing. Accepting and realizing what my body is going through is taking a while and it doesn't happen overnight. This illness has been developing for at least a year, and for me it has become a normal way of life. To realize that I all of a sudden have to let this go, as it's the illness that has been making me live like this and it isn't normal, will not happen overnight.

Something that takes hold of you slowly but surely and then holds on so tight, and becomes your "life", will not just let you go if someone tells you: "Niamh, you are ill and need to eat, or else you will damage yourself for life or even die"..
At the moment, I am still trying to accept and realize what really is going on with my body. I wish I could click my fingers, and think "yes, I'm ill, now give me 3 meals a day, I won't exercise and I will put on lots of weight, and I will be fine again". This is not going to happen, unfortunately.
But the past week, I have slowly begun to realize that I am seriously ill.

According to my mam, I have become quiet, slow, withdrawn, no concentration and soft spoken. This is true, I know, but it's hard for me to see this.. I think it's because I have just told myself: I am just going to "be".. and that comes down to just existing and not letting myself feel all that much. Happiness? No. Anger? now and then. Sadness? regularly. Laughter? I wish.
The past week has just passed by in a daze..

Diann was listening as I did my best to tell her all of this. I told her that I feel so drained, lifeless and don't have the energy to do anything. It has gotten worse in the past week. But I also keep on analyzing about what I have been eating, and it probably is the same amount as I was eating 3 or 4 months ago. Back then I could live, I could run, I do things without feeling tired all the time, I could walk everywhere, I could dance my heart out and drink alcohol. So why can't I anymore? I should be able to!!! But, according to Diann, I have put so much strain on my body, that it is now telling me to slow down. I now need time to recover. I have no reserves (which I did have 3 or 4 months ago). My body is trying to tell me to stop. I need to rebuild my tissue, regain proper fats, rebuild my muscle tone and for this to happen I have to stop.
Feeling like the way I have been feeling the past week, I have been worried. I feel that I'm just so lifeless and slow, because I haven't been doing anything. I tell myself that I have probably been sleeping too long, I'm probably becoming lazy and I'm worried that I have given into this disease. I cannot rest, I cannot sit and do nothing, I cannot be bored, I cannot have a lazy day. I don't deserve this and I cannot give in, I should just keep on going. But Diann told me, this is Anna speaking. Fay wouldn't tell me to keep on going, when I'm feeling battered and tired and weak. Your body needs to stop. Your body need to recuperate. This takes time. I just need to see that my body needs this..

Dealing with Anna, is all about punishment. I, for some reason, feel the need to constantly punish myself. If I sleep more than 9 hours, I have to get up and do things all day long, or else I'll be lazy, I'll be non-productive, I won't burn any calories and I will feel like a piece of shit (to put it bluntly). Why do I punish myself? That is the question I really don't know the answer to.

Diann relates this to my beliefs. A person lives their life according to their beliefs. As far as she can see, my beliefs are that I am only a good person if I am achieving something. Your beliefs have been there for so long, that some people mightn't even know what their beliefs are.. I didn't realize what mine were, until Diann pointed it out to me today. And she was right. Where these beliefs come from or what triggered them, can be any number of reasons. So why do I feel like I'm only worthy if I'm achieving things in life? I really do not have a notion. But I can see how it relates to Anna.

Achieving things in life means you must push yourself and you constantly want more and more, are never totally satisfied and don't feel fulfilled if a certain aspect in life hasn't been achieved. To achieve this certain thing, you need discipline and willpower. For me to be in position I now find myself, has been due to discipline, willpower and determination. For example.. Not eating when deep down I know that I'm only human and like a normal person my body needs nutrition. Ignoring the hunger pains just to prove to myself that I can be fit, healthy and full of energy living on a 400 calorie diet.
There is most definitely a link between my "needing to achieve" and Anna..

Diann has set these thoughts in motion. I would never have seen it myself. A person can challenge their beliefs, to adjust them, because they are not always a good thing. I said to her that I never realized that living life according to this belief, could make me so ill and so unhappy.

She made me realize, that if I were to keep on living according to the belief of "I'm only a good person if I'm achieving", I would never ever be totally satisfied. I would travel, and plan where to go next, and travel and plan and travel and plan. But I would experience nothing. At one stage I could have been everywhere in the world, and I still wouldn't be fulfilled.. Because it will never be enough. If all I'm constantly trying to do is achieve.. there will always be an empty space on the inside. Because it is impossible for a human being to achieve everything.. An emptiness will always remain..

This totally opened my eyes..

With Anna, the furthest I can go, the most I can achieve, with all my determination, discipline and willpower is the end.. She will never be satisfied until I'm on hospital bed, being fed through a tube.. and then it still won't be enough..
The only end to Anna, is if I give in...

But I won't give in.. Never..

Another revelation.. Another thing to accept and to work out.. Challenging my beliefs is what I need to do next.. Step by step..