Let me be me ;)

I am who am, if you like it or not
It's me, I'm here, this is all I've got
You can be angry, you can be crazy
You can be frustrated and call me lazy
But this is me, you have to just realize
I'll not the person that you should despise
Not anymore and hopefully never again
It's just one soul aching for a pen
Why can't you learn to accept?
And see me as someone who chose to reject?
The resisting doesn't help me or you
So why let it make us both feel blue
I trying to be who I am, no matter the day
That's a fact, no matter what I weigh
I might not see through all my thinking
But someday you won't control my sinking
Let me be, because life is already hard enough
You aren't dependable, when the going gets tough
So should I listen and please tell me why
As you can't be trusted and all you do is lie
Can't you see that you'll be leaving soon?
Even I can't yet lock you out of my room
There's really no point, just open your eyes
And see what we can be, something in deguise
Together we can be but not on your terms
The rules have will change as the table turns
Sooner or later you'll see me for me
And you'll feel fine and let me be free
You can still try but I have the upper hand
My life is mine and I'll continue to stand
Try to control me and make me a drained mess
Give it your all because I couldn't care less
Let it go, stop pushing and let me just be
I'm not a bad person, try look and see
All you've been encouraging and praising
Wasn't me, it wasn't beautiful or amazing
A strong person can't be defeated
You know that now and it will be repeated
It's effort for nothing, so it's not fulfilling
Judgemental and defensive is you, and is it thrilling?
I don't think so, but you did try hard
You'll never win as I slowly bring down your guard..

Photo's and Fat

I seem to be having fat days and they're making me crazy. It's all been brought by feeling uneasy and wanting to get on with my life and looking at photo's from either a year ago, or 2 years.. it doesn't matter because they all make me feel huge. The photo's from a year and half ago, are the worst, the summer of 2007 when I was in Darwin. 2 years ago, I look similar to how I am now so they make me feel okay, 6 months ago I look plain ill so they can kind of shock me because of how bad I looked. But when I was in Darwin, I thought I was looking great. And I'll never look like that again and it's been keeping me awake at night and waking me up far too early in the morning as well.

I can't stop thinking about all the people I met when I was in Oz, and what they would think if they saw how much weight I've put on. They'd probably be disgusted.. "Niamh, how could you have let yourself go like that?? Where's the healthy Niamh gone?? Look at the size of your face!" I'd feel so ashamed if I were to see them today. I'd want to bury my head in the sand, because that's the worst part of me. My massive fat head. The rest isn't too bad (even though me backside has grown overnight, I've got one all a sudden and I'm not too sure how I feel about that just yet..). When it comes to my body, I know once I start doing yoga again my muscles will tone-up again and I'll be able to stay healthy and not chubby. But my head..the thing people see first. The thing people judge first. The thing that indicates how healthy I am and how "good" I'm doing and how "progress" I'm making. It's so annoying and I can't get rid of it.

If I were to see those people again, what would they say? What would they think? I don't think I was in my fullest of health, back then, so if they really cared about me wouldn't they want for me to eat properly and be healthy? even if it does mean having a fat head? The most important people from my travels, knew me from the very start, like Kelly, Shellie and Jason.. so I was at a healthy weight. They know what's been going on so they'd want and nearly expect me to get back to that healthy weight, I suppose. Except for 2 people. Lisa and Christian. They knew me only to be skinny. Even though they'd often express their concern about my exaggerated healthy eating habits and my weight. They'd ask me why I was so skinny but I'd always have my story lined up and it would be fine. I was probably the same weight when I was hanging out with them, as I am now. They both know what's going on and Lisa always sends me emails, supporting me and mentioning ever time how much she wants for me be the happy, full of life and crazy person I was when I met her back in Darwin. I wasn't my usual self though. But somehow she knows I'm a happy bubbly person and that's all she longs for me to be. Surely she wouldn't turn on me, if she were to see me now? She's not that kind of person at all. She's one of the kindest people I met when I was in Oz..

As for Christian.. He was learning to speak English which meant he wasn't always able to find the right words to say what he wanted to say. Whenever he would ask me why I was such a low weight, he couldn't never say exactly what he wanted to say or express his frustration or his concern because of the language. And he's got a typical Italian temperament and I knew it pissed him off that he couldn't say exactly what he felt. That was good for me, because it meant I didn't have to face up to it and I just brushed it off. In the hostel I was living, I became known as the "skinny-little-Irish-girl-who's-always-running-around-and-working-her-non-existing-ass-off-and-parties-hard" and that felt so great and now that I'm not that person anymore I feel like I've lost something. Like I've lost part of my identity. If I were to go traveling again, would people still be drawn to me, like they always were, if I was chubby? I don't want to be that way and I can't stop worrying about it.

Looking at photo's brings it all back again, that feeling of being so skin and bone and feeling so great.. The new and improved image I wanted to be mine forever. But it wasn't meant to be. I know I've felt like this so many times before and I thought I'd passed it all. I thought it might slowly start to fade and maybe it is. But I ask myself, do I have to go back over that period of my life, of a year and a half ago and deal with it properly to be able to make peace with it? If I don't then maybe I won't be able to look back and feel happy and not see Anna and want to be her again. Is it important for me to go over that stage of my life? If I don't then I might never feel okay, with looking at photo's from my time in Darwin and maybe I'll never feel fine with being in contact or even seeing people I was traveling with back then. I don't know how important it is for to do that.

Maybe it's that I haven't yet established when exactly Anna kicked in. Is that it? That might be the reason why I'm afraid to look at the photo's.. I don't know if I'll look at myself and see a happy soul or a lost soul. I was feeling happy back in Darwin, I really was. I had some of best times in Oz, during those 3 months spent in that city. I might just be afraid that Anna will take all those great memories from me and I might not appreciate or feel a warm glow, when I look back.

I know, today, that I was muddled back then. But I'm just not too sure how much.. How have these thoughts and worries been affecting me the past few days? I don't know. Maybe I've been busying myself too much and I haven't been wanting to think about any of it. Because I know there's a lot going on underneath, still. It will continue to do so, until I'm feeling fine with it all. So maybe I should just face up to looking at those photo's. But they make me feel so bad. There was a time when they made me feel so happy. Recently the thoughts of going through the photo's and bringing back up the memories, hasn't been giving me an exciting buzz, as all the other photo's from the first 6 or 7 months of my year in Oz have been doing.. I'm not too sure, but I'm feeling a little yuck about it all..

Freedoms' Balloon

The day I never thought I'd see. The 2nd of January.
Yesterday afternoon, as I was feeling a whole weight had lifted, I was feeling positive and good. All the festivities have taken place and there was nothing more that I have to gear myself up for. Only for living my own full life again.

For weeks now, I've been thinking about the beach and the sea. I've been wanting to go and just let it do what's it's best at when it comes to me anyhow..and that's revitalizing me. The intention was there for weeks but I always wary of asking Ma to bring me down because that would have said a lot about how my recovery was going and she'd know I'd be doing real good. I didn't want to show anybody how good I was feeling, because I was afraid of the expectations. So for months I didn't want to go near it. It would have done me good and I couldn't bare doing that to myself. But yesterday, I thought about it and the idea and the longing to go to the sea, even for 10 or 15 minutes, had been there for so long that I thought it was time to finally ask Ma to bring me down.

The sea I've always thought of being something amazing. I've never been a "water-person" or a great swimmer, but the ocean itself I think is so powerful and strong but calming and reassuring at the same time. It's unpredictable and dependable. Dependable because after one wave, there's always another and also I can depend on it to always do me good no matter how down I'm feeling. It has always taken my worries away. It makes me feel alive, it clears my head and gives me a boost. No matter what else happens in life, one thing is for sure, the sea will always just be. And on the other hand, it's unpredictable because nobody knows how big the next wave will be or when exactly it will be. Nobody knows what lurks beneath the surface either, be it the underworld or the plates in the earth, shifting to cause a tsunami.. All these things that are unknown, also make it a scary place.

But as I stood there, the waves clashing against the rocks, it thought back to the last time I went to that same spot. My god, it was probably 4 or 5 months ago and I had walked down. It's an hour walk from our house and an hour back again. I remember my legs were on autopilot, just trying to get me there. It was awful and I didn't enjoy it because I was trying to burn calories. Nothing else mattered. It was when I had only started my sessions with Diann and I knew I shouldn't be walking, she had advised me not to. But I didn't care. I was walking, I was living, I was breathing. Surely that was enough? But yesterday, it was totally different. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't tired, I wasn't worried that I was doing myself damage, I didn't want to burn calories. I could actually smell the fresh air again and appreciate the sea, like I used to.

The sea has always been a place that shows me there's so much more to life. It's like, beyond the horizon, there's a whole different country, people, way of life, opportunities and adventure. There's just so much more out there and the sea always remind me of that. I remember before I went to Oz, I would go to beach regularly. The same one as I went to yesterday. We were living in a different part of the town, so it was only 5 minutes down the road. It did the same to me back then, as it still does today. It makes me feel alive. It clears my head and any problems or doubts I'd have would be solved, just by almost "engaging" with the sea.

Back in June, when I came back to Ireland on holidays or what was only supposed to be a holiday but turned into an extended stay, I walked to the beach nearly every day. It was the place where I had finally come to a conclusion that something was really wrong with me. I remember sitting on a rock, I was writing in my little black food book (a notebook I've had for a few years, where I would write down every little piece of food I ate). I suddenly knew I'd have to let Ma in.. I knew I had to open-up. I was honest with myself and let myself be me and that's when I realized I couldn't continue living like this. This was on a Saturday afternoon and that night me and Ma went for a drink and I didn't say the actual words, but I gently let on that I had an eating disorder. 2 days later, we went to the doctor and that's where it all started.

So going to the sea that day, back in June, and letting myself tell myself the truth really opened my eyes. I could never have expected that day to lead to this day and for it have been the push I needed, to start heading in the right direction. I never knew. Yesterday, as I stood there so many months later, I knew instantly everything would be okay.

My whole reason for wanting to go to the sea yesterday, was because I wanted to do a little "thing". Diann said weeks ago that this should be the time of year to let go of things that were holding you down the past year, a time to reflect and to look at opportunities and to see where you're heading in life. So, as a symbol of letting go of what's been holding me down in 2008 and letting other things that have been brewing in my head, grow in 2009..I blew up a balloon and wrote the words representing what has gotten me through this ordeal, words representing what I want to focus on, words representing ideas I have that need to grow. Like: Fay, Anna, Food, Health, Comfort, Writing, Ma, Freedom, Wisdom, Family, Niamh, Travel.. and much much and the word I wrote the most was.. free, free, free, free, free..I wanted to let it all go..

So I stood there, not caring who was watching me, and let the balloon go.. It would have been a real "magical" or spiritual moment if the balloon actually got swept away by the wind and would have disappeared amongst the clouds as I'd say goodbye to so many things and feel instantly refreshed and revitalised as the balloon faded away taking all my fears, worries and dreams where they needed to be.. That would have a beautiful and emotional sight. But it didn't quite work like that. It wasn't windy so the balloon just lay on the rocks as if to say: "I'm not going anywhere, you're not letting go of anything today.." Cheeky little thing. So I placed it down in between the rocks for the waves, the rain or the wind to sweep it away.

It was the 1st of January 2009 and I had left a part of "me" behind at the beach and with the sea. Where ever I go, I'll always think back to yesterday and what it meant. This time next year, I'll be able to think back and again, reflect on how my year has been, and again see where I'm heading in life.. and do the same thing with the balloon.. Maybe it will be windy and it will get swept away and disappear between the clouds. Maybe I won't be near a beach or the sea. Maybe I'll be in the mountains. Maybe I won't be able to buy a packet of balloon, and I'll have to do it differently. But it doesn't really matter where I am or what way I do it. It was a special moment and there will be a lot more of them to come, that's the main thing.

New Years Day

2009. I survived.. I maybe even thrived..inside..
I got through and it's all behind me now. Everything. Or so it feels, for now. All the anticipation of how I was going to get through to the new year and how I'd feel come midnight and how frustrated I'd feel about not being able to party.. It's all over and come tomorrow I'll be using my energy "sufficiently". Not that I haven't been doing that the past week and a half, because I've learned so much from it all, but still. I'll be totally focusing on me again.

I don't have anymore worries about missing out on parties and gatherings. I don't have anymore fears as to where I should be by a certain time. I don't have anymore doubts that I won't get through this. Because Christmas and New Year showed me that I can get through anything as I can't imagine ever having to go through that again, so intensely.

Last night turned out to be a good night. We went to Julies at around 9 and I was feeling fine. It was small crowd, so that made it easier, I wasn't at all stressed by it and there wasn't any pressure. But to make myself feel a little better than I already was feeling, I dipped back into what I had "discovered" yesterday afternoon while I was writing..and that was the fact that this time last year I was starving myself and that now I don't have to do that anymore, I'm allowed to eat, I'm not ill anymore, I'm getting better and I'm happier. It made me feel safe and I knew that I'm doing all I can to get better. So to finally conclude: a party on New Years Eve isn't the be-all and end-all. There are far more important things in life..and in my case it's life itself that's far more important. That's what got my through the night. It made me happy to see how far I've come and what an amazing year I've had and the thoughts of how much better life will get for me, made me excited. So that's all I had to do, and my enjoyment of being around people, alcohol and food came naturally.

I told myself before hand, as Diann had suggested, that I can 4 glasses of rose wine and 2 nibbly things. I'd know straight away if I'd feel okay with having more than I initially planned. I think I drank that whole bottle by the end of the night, so I had more than the "permitted" 4 glasses, but I was feeling fine about it. I had 2 pieces of finger food, and didn't feel bad about having that either. I didn't get freaked for not knowing how they were prepared, I just enjoyed them. I wasn't paranoid and I wasn't scared of what all this eating and drinking would do my head the next day. I wasn't forcing myself to be in a certain way, I was going with the flow.

The clock struck 12 and that was it. A fresh new year that's finally come. That's what the whole night was about, the one moment in time that's said to change people's outlook on life. The build up and the pressure is all for that one moment. But things go back to normal straight away, don't they? The drink keeps on flowing and the nibbles are still there. The feeling of good or bad, can still be felt. The path continues to unfold and life is still being lived. The loneliness or happiness, it's all there but being experienced but just in another year. The clock striking 12 doesn't mean things should be different or better but opportunities can be on the horizon and by standing still and reflecting and opening yourself up to change, you can see them. You decide if the reflecting has an influence or not. That is if you choose and if you dare. I choose and I dare..

To be honest, as it turned 12 o'clock I didn't think about anything else I'd rather be doing, anywhere else I'd rather be or any people I'd rather be with at that moment. I simply couldn't. I was there, where I needed to be for just another moment in time. And most importantly, I was with Ma and for that alone I was grateful.

We weren't out late. It was quite early actually. But I was tipsy, the night was over and it had been lovely so it was time for bed. Going to be early, meant I woke up early too. I was up at 9, with a small hangover, nothing major though and feeling slightly on edge. I can never rest properly if I've been drinking and I had food on the brain. I wasn't allowed to compensate. I wasn't allowed to restrict because of eating and drinking last night.

I got up and did what Diann had suggested I do, after boozing..the dreaded hang-over food. I didn't want to make the same mistake as I made on Boxing day (which was not eat properly, to be able to deal with daily life). So it was a small challenge, the first one of the new year and I did it. I had 2 scrambled eggs and 1 slice of toast for breakfast. The first time in years I've let myself start the day with something other than muesli or fruit. That was a big big step. After eating that, and feeling fine, I was still hungry so I had another slice of toast. Then I had to escape from the kitchen because I got scared I'd overeat. That's how I'd deal with hangovers, years ago.. I'd eat all day long to not feel the drink anymore. It was never an issue back then. But today, I couldn't afford to overeat. It would only have wrecked with my head. So I went to bed for another 2 or 3 hours, got up around lunchtime and had what I'd usually have for breakfast, yogurt and muesli.

I wasn't that tired and I wasn't feeling guilty for eating, drinking and enjoying myself, last night. I'd forgotten all about the finger food I'd eaten and didn't let it interfere with what I was eating today. And that's big.. I can't remember the last time I've let myself eat AND feel good the day after a drinking session.. It's been so long. I didn't have to compensate today and I didn't have to suffer. I was good to myself and had lots of nice healthy food, after the eggs this morning. And they weren't too bad, the eggs. They aren't bad for you either. I've only just realized that I think..

So it's fine. It's all worked out okay and I feel I've taken a big step, over the past few days..even as I'm still trying to deal with all I've come realize over the past week and after Dianns session on Monday. Everything continues to constantly unfold. It's amazing..

Looking forward..2009

New Years resolutions.. What's the point? As if a person is able to better themselves as the clock strikes midnight.. That annoys me so much. Nobody is ever able to stick to them and I, personally, don't see the point. But I do see the point in looking back and looking forward.

At the start of every new year, I would always tell myself it's either going to be a good year or a bad year. With me, ever since I was a teenager, one year would be the best, the next would be the worst. On and on the cycle would go. I would see the new year as a fresh start, for either good or bad.. For instance: 2008 was a bad year, and 2007 was the best year of my life, 2006 was hard in a lot of ways and 2005 was good.. 2004 was a bit of both, but 2003 was the absolute best and 2002 was another real real difficult year, but 2001 was amazing.. Isn't it weird the way I would do that?? Each year, as I'd have drink a glass of champagne, I'd think back and conclude how good or bad the past 12 months have been and then say if the next would be great or not. Diann said to me months ago, that by doing that, I'm setting myself up for a fall. Why should events be "evaluated" according to when they happen? But that's what I used to do. Months ago, as I let go of time I've also let go of this way of thinking.

Because we live for the moment, don't we? As I've already established, having a party on New Year's Eve or not, doesn't make your year a brilliant or not. I had a brilliant night, last year, but the actual year 2008 was the hardest of my life.
I have to see the clock striking 12 as a time to look forward and feel excited about the next 12 months and not as a time to only feel excited about the next 12 hours of partying. There's so much more to life.

The main reason I'm thinking like this is because I won't be partying and because what I usually would depend on to give me a buzz, adrenaline and make me feel happy, isn't there this year. It just not a possibility. I have to accept it and realize that once the 2nd of January comes, I'll have forgotten all about how low I've been feeling about not partying. I won't care one way or the other anymore because today and tomorrow I'll have realized what I have to look forward to and I'll have realized that I don't need a huge party to make me feel happy.

I can see 2009 as a brand new year and as a brighter time in my life. A time to let go of any bitterness or anger that I've been feeling the past year. A time to be grateful for these bad feelings I've had and to appreciate them. A time to see how far I've come and what I've learned. A time to see that the past 6 or 7 months I've been investing in myself and in my future and that I needed this time to get to where I want to go in life. A time to see that soon my hard times will hopefully become less and less and that life might start to get easier. I can't say for certain and I can't depend on that to happen and for me to therefore feel happy. But it can be something that I can wish for. Something that I can cherish all the more when it happens, because it will be a dream come true. And dreams are special.

The only thing I know for certain is that I have myself and my strength. I'm the one who determines how and when things happen in my life. It's all in my own hands, just like it was months ago and just like it'll be months from now, too. A year ago I was depending on so much other things to make me feel happy, things that weren't a certainty but I wanted for them to be. Things that weren't good for me and that could have been snatched away from me at any time. But not anymore. Not if I choose to depend on the only thing that has got me to where I am today, and by that I mean me.

Today, tomorrow and the day after that..and next week and next month, I won't be starving myself. I won't be abusing myself. I won't be trying to be somebody I'm not. This time last year, that's what I was doing and I still had months of starvation to undergo in order for me to able to sit here on New Years Eve 2008 and know what I now know and be on the road to becoming the person I'm meant to be. Today I'm eating and I'm learning. I'm nourished and I'm being looked after. I don't have to worry about what I'm having for dinner. I don't have to worry about my weight, about remarks, about calories or about what I look like. I don't have to count the hours between meals anymore and I don't have to feel ashamed if anybody were to comment on me having lost weight. I can rest and feel no guilt. I can eat and feel no guilt. That's far more important than having a New Years Eve party and getting drunk, just to NOT feel like a failure.

So have I got any regrets for not being in Mexico at this present moment and instead be in Arklow trying to eat? No, I don't. I'm grateful for how this year has turned out. I'm grateful for every single up and down that I've experienced no matter awful I can feel at the moment and how much I need to party. That's a feeling I have to switch off.. I'm here right now, and in a few days time I'll be happy that 2009 has come. Because it will be a good year, if that's what I choose to make out of it.. and I do.. xxx

New Years Eve..1 year ago

It's just one moment in time. One moment it's 2008 and the next 2009. It's the moment that's supposed to change the world and to heal all. From one moment to the next everything should feel different or better..

That's what's expected of it. But is it really that big a deal? Everyone is supposed to get drunk and be merry. But really, what does it matter, where you are, what you're doing or who you're with. Is it really that special? People speak about it as if it really is that important and special. But is it all commercialised, just like Christmas and is the true meaning of the night forgotten because of all the pressure?

I have been thinking back to all the other years, when I would feel the same amount of pressure and feel the same need to succeed in having the best night of the year. But did those parties determine my year? Does a good party on the 1st of January 2009set you up for a good or a bad year? No, it most certainly does not. It should be a time to look back on the past year and see what situation you were in, 12 months ago and what was going on in your life back then. It should be a time to look at what has been thrown your way the past 12 months, the situation you now find yourself in and where you're heading in life. It should be a time to think about how much you've grown, how much you've learned and how much you appreciate all the good and bad things that came your way.

So looking back to this time last year..I remember I had to work on New Years Eve until around 5 o'clock. The whole day I was excited and at noon I was thinking about people in New Zealand celebrating, at 2 in the afternoon I was thinking about people in Oz celebrating.. on and on it went and it amazed me that half of the world living in 2008 and we were still living in 2007.. I was so fixated with that, all afternoon and the world just seemed such an amazing place.

At the same time I was worried about what I was going to have for dinner. Because I knew I'd be having nibbles and munchie foods that evening at Janneke's, a friends house I was going to for a small party, with around 10 others. So I had cereal for dinner which made me feel good. But I felt so drained because I hadn't eaten properly. I was getting ready that evening and I remember watching a documentary on tv, as I got dressed. It was about the Spice Girls, what they were doing now and how they were 10 years ago. Sporty Spice (or Mel C), was talking about her eating disorder. I couldn't believe it and I never knew she was anorexic when the Spice Girls first started. I remember that she used to be real skinny and that she had put on some weight once the band broke up. But this time last year, I was fixated with that and it did something to me. I didn't start questioning myself, but it might have been a feeling of recognition and she was saying how ashamed she felt for having developed the disorder. I didn't really know back then that I was getting worse and worse so I switched off anything that documentary could have brought up. I was fine and I liked being thinner.

I remember getting to Janneke's house and all I wanted was to get as drunk as possible. I hadn't eaten properly so I started eating the nuts and I couldn't stop. Everyone around wasn't pigging out, but I remember feeling like I was. I was amazed that I was sitting around all these people who were able to control themselves around all these nibbles. How can they do that? And of course, the more I drank the more I ate. I told myself that I needed to soak up some of the alcohol too and that I needed a lot of energy for all the dancing I was going to be doing.

Then a girl who used to be my housemate, came in and said at top of her voice, for everyone to hear.. "Niamh, you've gotten so skinny!!".. It did embarrass me but I laughed it off. I was 40 kilo's back then and I wasn't too skinny, just thinner than average. But the fact remained; she saw that I'd lost weight, so I mustn't be fat, therefore I was allowed to stuff my face with more nuts.. So I did. The more I ate, the worse I felt, but the more I drank the more I forgot about it.. even though from the beginning of the night I was fantasizing about a kebab.

We went into town, after 12 and partied all night. It was brilliant..what I can remember of it. At 6 in the morning me and Janneke, went to have a kebab. Finally.. but moment I'd been saving myself for. The barriers were non-existent at that point and I didn't care. I knew I'd make myself feel better again on New Years Day, by starving myself again. It would all be okay.

So that's what I did the next day, but it was torture. I had to go 24 hours without food, because of the kebab. So that's what I did. I lay on the couch and tried to drink 4 liters of green tea. It took me all afternoon. I could hardly do anything. Around dinnertime I managed to get up and go over to Janneke's again. They were all eating chips and sausages and hamburgers. I knew they'd be eating, so going over to her house to see them indulging in hangover food, would make me feel okay again. I told them I'd already eaten, but of course I hadn't. It made me feel great, even though I had no energy. The strength I got from watching them eating, made it possible for me to act normal and to carry on with being happy and hungover and starving. What a happy soul I must have been..12 months ago.. Anyhow, I came home and let myself have a 2 prunes and a hand full of nuts. I went to bed early to stop myself from giving in to my hunger. 25 hours after the kebab I was finally allowed to eat.. and it was an orange and a kiwi for breakfast which had to get me through the next 6 hours. In those 6 hours, I had to walk 20 minutes to work and function properly. I did it, but I've not got a clue how I was able to.

Realizing just how bad I was back then and on how little I was able to live, scares the life out of me. These days, I probably eat the same amount of calories I ate back then in the space of 4 or 5 days and I was even working, partying, walking, exercising, laughing, drinking alcohol. How the hell did I do that (excuse my language)??? My god, I'm just slightly blown away right now..

It isn't really any wonder, why I'm now eating so much and nearly always feeling hungry and not putting on loads of weight..considering my daily calorie intake..

Anyhow, that was a year ago. I remember that night, thinking 2008 was going to be my year. I was going to travel and I was going to stay thin. I was going to work until November in Holland, and then head off to somewhere far. I was going to have a 3 week holiday in June, come to Ireland and tourguide for 3 weeks, save loads of money, book my flights and do a course to teach English in South America. That's what I thought I was looking forward to. Actually I think I made those plans in March. But when the New Year started, I knew I was going to make it all happen. I was going to go traveling again and it was going to be my time again. The world was, once again, going to be my oyster.

Well, a whole year on. What can I say? It didn't all work out quite how I would have wanted it to. I did go traveling..if you can count, leaving Holland and coming to Ireland.. Not quite the destination I had in mind though. That just goes to show, that life never goes as we would want it to. 2008 has by far, been the hardest year of my life. Without a doubt. Sometimes I can't believe that I went through it all. Sometimes I feel like it happened to someone else. Sometimes I still don't think I make it through to the bitter end.

I can't dwell on what was keeping me alive back then. Or what was stopping me from living, without even realizing it. I simply can't. Right now, today, it's about today..

Never a happy new year

It's New Years Eve. And why is that I'm never happy about all these "special occasions"? Why couldn't I be bothered? Why am I not I excited about them? I wasn't excited about Christmas and now I'm not excited about New years.. I used to always count down the days. But this year I've been dreading it all.

I know why too. That's the worst thing about it. I can answer the question but it doesn't make it feel any better. It just frustrates me because I can't do anything about it. I want to party like there's no tomorrow. I want to go wild. I want to dance and feel fine. I want to get caught up in the moment and feel adrenaline. I want all my problems to be gone. But they're not. I want to be with my friends. But I'm not. I want to feel excited about it all. But I'm not. I'm none of these things that I want to be. The things I expect myself to be. Things I usually am, but not anymore. Not this year.

Every year there's always a certain amount of pressure for New Years Eve to be the best night of your life. It's supposed to be. There's a huge build-up and if it doesn't turn out great, it means you've failed. It means there must be something wrong with you. It means you're boring. It means you don't have a life.. Doesn't it? Well only if that's what I make of it I suppose. That's how I've always thought about it. That's why each year, there would always be a small part of me, dreading it, because of the pressure and because of what the night represents.

This year, I've been almost scared to think about it. I've not been happy about the thoughts of getting through so many hours and having to have the best time ever and knowing that all my friends are having parties and are living and experiencing and not even giving a second thought to all the other people in the world who aren't happy by what is happening in their world.. It suddenly seems so unfair. I'm just feeling so sorry for myself at moment and I'm getting myself down, so much, because I can't be and do as I wish.

It wasn't until this morning that I dared ask what Ma was doing tonight. Because I knew to hear the truth would only make me depressed and upset. I put it off for days and days. Ma has been invited to Julies, so I'll be going along too. That's good, I'm fine with that. At least I won't bring the atmosphere down by feeling massively depressed, which is what I would have felt if we were to have stayed at home.

A few months ago, I wanted to go back to Holland for the night because the thoughts of having to be here, was just the worst ever. But once I had realized that I wouldn't be able, I had to block it out. Then yesterday and today I seriously started thinking about if it would be possible to book a flight and get out of this place, just until tomorrow to escape reality. It wouldn't matter where to, just anywhere, so I wouldn't have to think about how small my world has become. Because I'm so sick of it.

I just have this awful feeling in my chest whenever I think about tonight and I hate it so much. It's all because I expect too much from myself. Diann said on Monday that I'm not able to go for nights out, like I used to be able to. It takes too much of my energy and it takes too long for me to get over it again. I hate it so much because I need to party so badly and the more I dwell on it, the worse it feels. I'd love for nothing more than to go to sleep right now and wake up 24-hours later and for it all to be over. No more depressed feelings, no more pressure, no more feeling like I'm missing out on so much, nothing anymore.

Being where I am now, and feeling the way I'm feeling right now, on New years eve, is so out of character and I can't say how much I hate it and how much I resent everyone for being able to do what they want. I know it's childish, but I can't help it and I don't want to know what everyone else is doing, because it will only bring me down. I don't want to hear about how it turned out to be the best night of their lives. It would break my heart to hear it.. When is this ever going to end, I ask myself for the millionth time..

A far away friend

A friend that brings out my sparkle and instantly makes me cheer
A friend just to chat while having a tea, a wine or even some beer
A friend to have for always no matter how far or how near
A friend to tell them I love them and that I feel so dear

A friend to pick me up whenever I'm feeling alone or down
A friend that doesn't mind if I have an occasional frown
A friend accepting all my colours, be they yellow, red, black or brown
A friend with patience of a saint for which they deserve a crown

A friend to feel comfortable with, no matter how my skies are grey
A friend that makes me smile and showing me that it's okay
A friend knowing that the connection is there and it will never stray
A friend that has entered my heart and will be there, come what may

A friend so far away and having an effect is definitely one of a kind
A friend so far away still knows and see my grief isn't blind
A friend so far away in space will never manage to leave my mind
A friend so far away that has touched me forever is so so hard to find

A friend out of sight and sound and felt only through what I write
A friend out of sight and sound and following my uphill fight
A friend out of sight and sound but I'm never without their light
A friend out of sight and sound but I value them with all my might..

Tuesday afternoon 30-12

It's Tuesday evening. I've come round again from my afternoon. An afternoon of strange strange happenings. I went to acupuncture this morning. I was doing okay, when I got up this morning. I had the best sleep in the world and had a brilliant dream that I was rock-climbing in the west of Ireland with a mate from Oz. It was so cool. I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep again, just to continue dreaming. It was amazing.

Anyhow. I didn't really want to engage with anybody this morning. I was reading my book and eating. Nothing spectacular. I had my appointment at 12.30. I sat in the reception area as Breda was running late so I had to wait to half an hour. I remember from a few weeks ago, when Ralph had forgotten to put the needles in my legs and stomach and that I was lying on the treatment-table and felt so relaxed. I felt as if I was having the treatment, but I wasn't because he'd forgotten about me. But anyhow, what I'm getting at, is that the atmosphere in his practice gives off these certain vibes that made me feel like I was being "healed" just by lying on his table. I said this to Ralph back then and he said it's the healing-energy that they work on in the practice. So today, as I sat in the reception area, waiting for Breda (Ralph has still got a broken arm) and it was as though I was already getting my treatment. I was so relaxed and felt all woozy. The same feelings I would get when the treatment is being done which is kind of freaky.

When she was finally ready to see me, we had a short chat. I think she sensed that I wasn't up for a lot of "opening-up" about how the past week has been and that I was pretty wiped-out. I briefly told her that it was more difficult that I had anticipated. She understood me so well. But maybe a little too well, if that's possible. I had to stop myself from breaking down. She picked up on it, and brought me through to the treatment room. She put the needles in the normal places, left the room and instantly I was in tears.

I don't know what came over me. Maybe I was still trying to get over the past week. Maybe I was still processing everything that came up yesterday with Diann. Maybe I was just overtired and the needles and the "healing energy" that I already feeling while I sat waiting in the reception area were effecting me, maybe it was all the praise Breda was giving me for doing "so well" over the past week (even though it didn't feel like that), maybe it was her kind nature or maybe it was the combination of all these factors. I don't know but I was overwhelmed for some reason.

I couldn't afford to break down, with all these needles stuck in to me. I had to relax in order for the needles to have the best effect. I slowly started to give in to the feeling but I think I subconsciously already had and that's why I was so upset.

Once it was over, the needles were still doing their work. I was waiting for Ma to pick me up. I was standing outside and I don't know what was happening to me. I was cold but didn't want to go back inside and wait in the reception area. I don't know what was stopping me. So I stood there and stood there. I felt so fragile and so angry at the world and at myself. I wanted to start walking down to meet Ma then, because I knew she was on her way up. But walking after acupuncture isn't a good idea. So that frustrated me. I then felt like my face was the sight of thunder. It was as if I could see the sparks flying off it. It was so awful and I don't know why it was happening. Ma picked me up, 15 minutes later and she could see there was something wrong. Don't ask me why, but I couldn't deny it either. So, again, there they were my dreaded tears and I simply do not know why.

Maybe I shouldn't try to find an answer. But it just blew my mind that everything felt so raw for some reason. Acupuncture has never had that effect on me before. I could have let that awful feeling effect my eating but I was thinking and thinking about a toasted salmon sandwich, during the treatment so I had to eat even though all I wanted was my bed. So I just got on with it and I enjoyed the sandwich. Then I went to bed for the afternoon. I didn't really sleep, just floated in and out of a daze for a few hours trying to focus on the here and now. My mind kept on floating back to 6 months ago.. I don't know why but it was doing my head in. Then I started to miss all my mates so so much. Then there were certain periods in my life that I wanted to go back to, so much so, that it felt like heart ache again. I hate that feeling so much but it comes up and I can't help it. I needed to get out of my own head so I started reading for a while.

I then started to want and need protein of some sort. I've never had a craving for it, so badly. I needed either chicken or turkey or meat. But meat I wouldn't be a big fan of. So I wanted an omelet with turkey. Eggs would give extra protein too. I couldn't believe I could actually hear myself telling me that I needed one of those foods. I can't remember ever having a craving so vivid. So that's what I had and I enjoyed it again. The food is tasting good again.. hallelujah!

Ma had bought me a present this afternoon. A gorgeous bottle of perfume (after only just spoiling me for Christmas.. she's too good) which I never expected in a million years, but appreciate so so much. It's absolutely delicious and Ma has made my day..yet again. xxx

Christmas Week no. 4

The passed week, I've learned so much. Sometimes too much for me to feel okay with. The guilt of seeing things so clearly can blow me away at times. It showed me how hard it is to be able to handle stressful situations without having Anna to hold on to. The thing that could have helped would have been to have a "party-food-plan" on Christmas Eve and eaten more food on Friday. But that's on hindsight, as usual.

There was one other thing Diann said that could help for future reference: To create a bubble, if I'm dealing with stress. To find something that will protect me from comments, protect me from other peoples opinions, protect me from other peoples behaviour, protect me from people and situations that cause me pressure. That's what Diann suggested. It could be by visualising something, maybe a bubble or even a gaurdian angle. Something that can protect me from anything that might make me feel tortured, exposed and paranoid. Because when feeling so fragile and strung-out at the same time, trying to think rational thoughts doesn't work. I've tried this when I was in Holland a month ago and I've tried this over the past week as well. The overwhelming level of pressure can simply go too deep and the thoughts are at a point where anger, confusion, doubt and frustration is of a different level.

If I could visualize a place somewhere in my mind, where all is well, where I am safe, where nothing can harm me and where nobody can say things that will effect me in any way, then I can escape to that place. Diann says it's simple. It's nothing complicated but reassuring at the same time. A pink bubble sounds nice. A place of my own.. It's creating my own boundaries that I choose. And because I've chosen these boundaries, it means I'm still in control and I can feel fine with these boundaries, without it reflecting on my bad eating habits.

Diann said today that, at the end of the day, it's all about control. Everything that I've been seeing in others and that has been effecting my mood in some way, is because I can see their behaviour. I can see what they're doing or issues they're having. I can see that they are using the same things in life to grab on to, that I used to grab on to. Things that would give me a sense of control. I'm talking about Eileen and the way she's been talking about not eating properly and dieting. I'm talking about Ma and the way she cleans. I'm talking about Da and his recovering from alcoholism. The weight, cleaning and alcohol. The issues that effect the control I have over myself. The things that can be a way of dealing with stress. The things that, when I was a child, I saw Ma and Da dealing with their lives by resorting to either cleaning or drinking.

Seeing their stress, even picking up on it nowadays, goes back to the underlying issue of my disorder. Trying to heal them. Wanting for them to be happy and thinking that I can make them happy but not being able to, so then I'd feel ashamed and guilty for failing, so instead I'd make up for that "failing" by trying to make them proud of me and by proving how good I am by achieving.. Proving and achieving, by control and losing weight.. That's where it all starts but it's not where it's going to end. I have to end this regardless of what others are going through. I have to see this through whether it makes them proud of me or not and I have to let go of the need to heal them. Because I can't.

Anyhow, the conclusion of this week..It sounds so easy and straight forward. But it's far from it. This was by far the hardest week. I say this now, I've said it before and I'll more than likely say it again as I continue to think that I've "cracked the code" as I feel like I've been searching for the answer to this process for months now and every so often I think I've found what it is that will cure me and make me well again. But it's after weeks like this one, that I realize just how hard this is and I can never ever imagine me ever living a life without Anna controlling me or wrecking my head in some way or another. How frustrating this all is. But I've learned more things again. But I can't say or write too much about how much I've learned because that will only make me feel awful again, and I'm sick of feeling that way..for now anyhow..
Signing off and going to bed xxx

Christmas Week no. 3

Sunday morning was difficult. I knew everyone was leaving so I was trying to wait and I wanted to eat alone and in peace. But it didn't work out that way. So I had breakfast anyhow and tried to deal with the noise at the same time but it was so hard. Once we had all said our goodbyes, the stress slowly started to go and the barriers slowly started to lift. I needed to be totally alone. I needed time to myself. I sat on the sofa and waited because there was still a certain amount of pressure I was feeling and I was wanting to clean so I could deal with what was bothering me at that moment.

I was eating, so I needed and wanted to clean to make myself feel better. It was like I was trying to find something else to busy myself with, to keep my mind occupied or something else for me to cling onto. But I wouldn't let myself clean, because I knew I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I knew I would be doing it because I wasn't starving myself and I was still slightly stressed out. As I was sitting on the sofa, it was like I was being pulled by something to get up off me ass, but I had to fight it because I was only feeling all this false energy inside caused by all the wrong things. I forced myself to NOT start cleaning. But once I got up off the sofa, that was it. That's when it started, but I needed to do it even if I was in tears, talking outloud to myself like a madwoman telling anyone who was listening just how unfair it was that I had to do all this. After a half an hour or an hour I stopped and forced myself AGAIN to slow down.

I told myself I was safe again with my own space. I was no longer in a cage. But then the barriers were lifting and the food started to freak me out. I was suddenly allowed everything and I was tempted to stuff my face like a pig. I had fruit and fibre for breakfast. I then had yogurt with fruit and nuts. Then I had a slice of toast and a muesli bar and I couldn't stop thinking about food. I wanted more and more and more. But I couldn't because I would only binge and then I wouldn't be allowed to have dinner..on and on the cycle goes.

I went to bed because I simply couldn't be near the kitchen anymore. The temptation was too big. When I was in bed, I was still feeling uneasy..because I thought I was energized all of a sudden and I had remembered what Mr. Acupuncturist had said to me weeks ago: "Whenever you feel energized like that Niamh, don't force it away because that's what you need to get your strength back. Don't lie down and don't be afraid of that energy". So I was in bed, thinking I was doing the wrong thing, but I couldn't go downstairs because of the food. So I wanted to read which might make me feel better and calm me down, but I couldn't because my head was just so tired. So I lay there and drifted and floated. I wasn't asleep but I wasn't awake either. Once I started to wake up again, I felt totally calm and chilled out again.

That night, thinking back on how I was wanting to stuff my face and how much the food was freaking me out, I answered the question I had been asking myself.. "Was I restricting myself over the past 5 days and had I strengthened the barriers?" Most definitely.

I said this to Diann yesterday. I could feel it all so well but it's still so strange. Because while everyone was here, I did consider eating certain things, but I didn't think I wanted them. I honestly didn't. But now seeing that I was in restraint doesn't really reassure me. I thought I was doing one thing, when really I was doing another. I thought I'd be able to stay on top of it..But no. I didn't think I was restricting so that blew my mind once I realized I was. It kind of makes me angry and I started getting frustrated because I thought I was doing good because I was eating. But I wasn't. I've said it many times before..I was just hanging on.. subconsciously waiting for myself to let me eat what I wanted..

...more to come

Christmas Week no. 2

On Christmas Eve I was trying to eat intuitively. I wanted to go with the flow and just see what I was in the mood for, when the moment and the food presented itself. So that means, no planning involved. But Diann said that when I know there'll be a certain party or a gathering where there'll be alcohol and nibbles and yummy food involved, then it can be better to plan ahead. So just for those few hours I should tell myself that I'm allowed to have 2 or 3 glasses of wine and a certain amount of nibbles. Once I've had those, then I can see if I'm feeling okay with having more. I could compare it to having a "party-food-plan". Diann didn't call it that, but that's just what I've come up with. That way, I can let myself have a certain amount and still have my boundaries or my wall or my cage, as much as I'm comfortable with. I'll still feel safe so I'll be able to feel good without guilt or without feeling like I'm losing control. Just like the food-plan I occasionally still need. Safe.

At that moment, on Christmas eve, I did what I thought was best, which was not eat what I wanted, so for now I have to leave it at that. Christmas day turned out well. Because I had mentally prepared myself. I didn't feel guilty for eating and enjoying the dinner and even having wine with it. I had already told myself that I'm allowed a glass. The whiskey I ended up drinking, I might have done on purpose, just to avoid feeling like I felt the night before.. the barriers strengthening and the bad thoughts that came along with them.. No, the whiskey loosened me. I didn't loose control around food..thankfully. But I did want to stay up all night and drink and drink and drink. That's where I could have lost control big time and I would have suffered. It's probably a good thing that everyone was going to bed or else I would have definitely lost control.

From Friday onwards, absolutely everything was catching up on me.. The effect of the alcohol AND still needing to deal with the stress; it was definitely the day from hell. Diann reckons I was worse than I would have been, if I had eaten a bigger breakfast.. because of the alcohol. O no!!! I needed something more than yogurt and muesli because my blood sugar levels had dropped due to the alcohol which in turn, caused me to feel even more distraught than already felt. That's also why I couldn't make a decision in the afternoon whether to visit John and Ann or not. That's why I felt that I needed some help, from somewhere, but I wasn't getting it from anywhere or anybody because I needed my space so I took that space and I needed the boundaries so I put them up and I needed to be as far away from everybody as possible because I couldn't cope with life. I was again, only barely hanging on.

If I would have eaten an egg on toast, or fry-up or a chicken sandwich I would have been able to make decisions and deal with things. I probably still would have felt as awful, but not as traumatised as I did. Which, at this moment, makes me feel so awful. It means I'm just like everyone else.. It means I need the same food as other people who have been drinking too much. That makes me feel like such a loser. Why should I need fatty foods the morning after drinking? It's not good.. Really it's not. It can't be. I don't want to be that person. I can't deal with the thoughts of being that, at the moment. It's just too awful.

Diann was shocked when I told her that I went to see John and Ann after I went into detail as to how awful I was feeling and that I just couldn't decide what to do, and how I was breaking down and how I knew that if it was so hard for me to decide then it was best I stay at home. But that's just me. Pushing when I really shouldn't.

Ma said she could see how bad I was doing on Friday. But that made me snap. I saw red. Because really, she didn't know. She might have thought I wasn't doing too well, but nobody knew the extent of it. If Ma knew just how awful I was feeling, she wouldn't have looked so disappointed when I said that I wasn't going to go with them to John and Ann. She would have understood and wouldn't have thought I was too lazy and not making an effort, by staying at home. It was written all over her face and that's why I made myself go visiting in the end. But if Ma didn't know how bad I was doing, then nobody did because, afterall, she can read me better than anyone else.

Diann asked me how it felt for nobody to understand what I was going through.. Of course I felt alien and alone even with too many people around me. Being in such a frantic state, only makes it hit home, with mighty force, when coming to realize that people haven't got a clue. And these thoughts are only confirmed by what they say and how they look at me.. things like: "It might do you good to get out of the house". As if it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Or: "Think about if you'd like to come or not". Excuse me? What do you thing I've been so distraught about for the past four hours??!! All these things just show me how little everyone knows about what's going on.

I suppose if I don't open up, they can never know. But if I can't open-up, then it's just something I'll have to live through, at that moment in time. Nobody can ever know just how hard things are and can be. I don't always know how hard things have been myself either, and I'm the one who's going through it all. Sometimes I can't even imagine I felt such pain for doing something so small. So I can't resent anyone for not realizing how deep this goes. I can't blame them for not wanting to know either, because engaging in someone else's pain too much, can only cause that person pain too. And who wants that? Nobody.

I don't wish my pain to be felt by anybody else. Never in a million years. It's my own pain, for me to feel so I'll eventually get through all this ****. It's only temporary that I'm not comfortable with opening about how I'm feeling. It won't last forever and the people who matter the most know that I can't. Not just yet. It won't happen overnight, unfortunately. That's what I would love. But that just isn't how it works, I'm afraid. I don't know if some people realize that, but I can't focus on what they think they know. I'm the only one who knows, only sometimes. Other times, I don't even know... So I have to let it go.. like so many other things..

..there's more.

Christmas Week no. 1

Monday afternoon. A few days before the end of 2008. What a year it has been.. But more to the point, and not to loose focus of what today was about, what a week it has been.. Unreal. I've relived it all again today when I was with Diann. A week full of learning curves, challenges and revelations. A week in which I was trying to put things I've learned into practise. A week in which I was dealing with things, I didn't ever think I would have to face again. A week with so much goodness, in disguise.

I was talking about Christmas day and how well it went and how good I was feeling. I was talking about Christmas Eve and how awful I felt and I was talking about Boxing day and how horrendous it was. Analyzing it all again. Trying to figure out what was happening when I was being faced with yummy foods that would usually be forbidden as well as seeing what being around so many people in such a close space, was doing to my eating.

It's so strange, because I could see it all happening. Every up and every down. I knew why it happened. Everything that upset me, every person that got to me and everytime I was presented with something that I usually wouldn't let myself eat. It was all closely related. After such a hectic week, I can see it all even clearer.

Christmas Eve, I knew what was happening as it unravelled. It was like I was standing there, being a spectator of my own "dealings". I wanted chocolate and I considered it. But I over thought it too much and was afraid and started to get scared it might make me feel bad the next day. I didn't want to ruin Christmas Day for me and the rest of the family. The longer I thought, the harder it got to break down the wall or break out of the cage I was in. They were so strong that I could nearly see them.. I've never had it that bad before.

The gang arrived from Holland and the barriers or the walls around me, were strengthened, probably straight away. Why? Because that's how I usually would deal with stress. This week the stress was caused by so many people in a small space and the pressure of everything. My barriers, my cage, my boundaries..used to be my eating habits. Not-eating was the way I'd deal with life and any stressful situation that occurred from day to day. Diann has told me a lot of times: Not-eating was the barrier or the wall I held around me. Not-eating would protect me. But now that I'm working on bringing the barriers down, these walls have got holes. So I didn't know where they were exactly. I didn't know what I was allowed. I didn't know how far I was able to take the eating chocolate and drinking wine. I hadn't set any boundaries that day and I didn't have a clue how it was going to effect me while I was dealing with the most stressful time of year with so many people around.

Usually not-eating would give me something to hold on to and make me feel safe and feeling that way would automatically give me the power to be and act as I normally would. What would I have had to hold on to, once I'd started eating all that I wanted and all that I liked? How would I cope with stress? What would stop my head from exploding? On Christmas Eve I didn't know whether it was best to keep them up or to bring them down and that's why as soon as I started questioning the chocolates, the barriers, the wall and the cage I was in got harder to break. There was just no way I could have brought them down or escaped and still have been able to function. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it and Christmas day would have been a disaster. So, in the end on Christmas eve, I paid for the fact the Christmas Day was great. But the fact that I couldn't bring the wall down, made me feel so awful. The worst thoughts were running through my head as I tried to get to sleep.. From resenting nearly every person for just opening their mouths to wanting to never wake up again.

Deciding what to eat and when to eat was just so hard, especially as the stress was so immense and my space was invaded. The house that usually would be safe, didn't feel like that anymore, to a certain extent. Yes, I had my own space in Seans room..but it wasn't enough. I didn't have what I usually would have to make me feel safe either..which was Anna.

After hearing Diann say it, it makes so much sense, even though I knew it all along. Seeing and feeling what it's like to not have Anna to cling on to, was putting all I've learned into practice. I suppose you could compare it to doing an internship or work-experience and finding out what it's like to live a life without Anna. I was being introduced to the real feeling of how stress can effect me without my "thing" that would protect me as the world is crumbling down around me.
It felt like there was nothing there and that's why the world crumbled around me..for a few hours each day. That's why I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. I was literally hanging on for dear life. That's the only way I can explain it. It suddenly all made sense again. As it always does. Sometimes for only a short time, sometimes for a longer period of time. But a little more clarity will give me more resources I can dip into, in future situations.

...to be continued.

Challenged yet again

It's Sunday afternoon. All over the place, or not. I don't know. The gang headed back to Holland this morning, after their 5 days here with us in Arklow. It was great to see them but I never imagined it would have been so hard. I could hardly keep track at one stage of what I was dealing with.. Was it food? Was it stress and pressure? Was it noise? Was it expectations? Was it the space? Was it alcohol? Was it guilt? What it was, from hour to the next I could probably recall, but I'm not going to.

Yesterday afternoon, after I spent some hours alone, going through everything I went to bed at around half 4. I forgot about what day it was, I forgot about the fact that it was still Christmas, I forgot about what I was expecting from myself. I needed to. My body wasn't heavy, tired or drained. It was mainly my head that was going mad. Little things around me were starting to freak me out and every comment that was made, I took personally. So I needed a time-out instead of forcing myself to listen to it all and bottle it all up for not wanting to upset anyone.

I would have loved to have stayed in bed for the night. But I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I hadn't made an effort to be around the little kiddies, as it was their last night. I had to get up aswell because I needed food. I didn't want to eat, but I had to. I had to switch off everything, I had to ignore every look, every gaze, every comment.. every paranoid inch of me had to turn a blind eye and I had to concentrate on making my dinner and eating it.

I considered not eating and just staying in bed as long as possible so it would have been too late to eat something proper. But I didn't. I needed some fish. I hadn't eaten any in 4 or 5 days and I was craving it all day. I could have gone without, but maybe then by missing dinner 2 days in a row, it would only make it harder for me to eat dinner the following day. How easy it would be, to slip back into not wanting dinners. So I got up at 7 in the evening and had some salmon and veg. I didn't have any rice, purely because it would have taken too long to cook and then I'd feel awful for eating even later than I already was. I ate what I had intended and I enjoyed. That was the main thing.

Then the thoughts of going to pub entered my head. I knew everyone wanted to and I would have loved to have gone out for a drink as well. Thankfully everyone decided not to, because they had to leave early this morning. Had they chosen to go to the pub, would have totally wrecked with my head. Because I wouldn't have been able to go, and would have felt bad for not making the effort and would have felt like I was missing out, as usual.. a feeling I have become extremely familiar with. Missing out, not only in the physical sense, but also in the mental sense. I've been missing out on so many things, even when I'm there in body. And it's makes me so sad and I don't want to feel like I'm missing things anymore because that causes the pressure inside to build and build.. But anyhow, last night, in a selfish way, I was glad they didn't go. I didn't have to miss out and I didn't have to be faced with the stress of it. I didn't have to make any major decisions, not like the day before. I don't think I would have been able to go through that again.

So, staying at home, was best. But then there was one more step I needed to take, no matter how big and how wrong it felt. I needed to do it, before going to bed. I had made some little "gestures" for Ma, Emma, Orla, Eileen and Sean. Just a small token of my appreciation for all they have done for me the past 6 months and to let them know how much they mean to me. But it took every fibre in my body, to be able to give it to them without feeling like shit. Deep down, I did.

Why? Because I was telling the people I love so dearly, just how important they are to me, as they stood before me. It was so strange and felt so wrong. But it was something I had decided to do, during the run-up to Christmas. I wanted this time of year, to be made extra special for us all and for them know that they're extra special. So I had to do it no matter how awful it made me feel. I was opening up to them all, not by means of post or email.. I had no computer screen to hide behind. I was more or less telling them as they each read their card. I putting myself on the line or that's what it felt like.

Why? Because I didn't know how it would make me feel. I didn't know if it would set me back and muck-up my head and cause me to feel ashamed. It was like I was taking a risk. To most people it might sound like the easiest thing to do. Why should it be a big deal, showing people you love them? What does it matter? Well, considering only a few months ago, I was hardly able to say how I was feeling about being myself, to anybody except Diann, let alone telling others how I feel about them, so it's a huge ordeal to me.

I instantly got it into my head that everyone expected me, from now on, to be able to speak about my feelings and feel okay with it. I was instantly thinking that everyone thought I was better and should be working and busy again (except Ma). So that made me feel bad. I felt pressure to communicate all of a sudden and to pressure to be chirpy, when I didn't want to be that way at all. I felt like an outsider again, I felt secluded, I felt alien. Had I brought it all on myself, by doing something so silly and soul-destroying by showing my feelings? People do it all the time, day in day out. They say if they're feeling down, if they're feeling good, if they're feeling anger or love towards a certain person. Me however? O no, it's the biggest obstacle in the world to overcome.

There wasn't guilt as such, but it was just..odd. I don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion and making it into a bigger deal than it was. But if that's how it felt then that's just the way it is, so I shouldn't tell myself I'm exaggerating. I let it the feeling just be and didn't want to speak or listen to anybody. I nodded or put on a smile when I was spoken to and that was about the only amount of communication I was feeling okay with.

I had overcome all the challenges that this very very long day had thrown at me. Once again. Is it nearly Monday?? Is it nearly time for me to see Diann again and to take another step? Because it could be a huge one. It feels like there's one on it's way and it's something I'm going to be concurring pretty soon. I know it for a fact. So, until then I need to rest. But that will never happen, as everything underneath is still brewing and deciding what direction to take and trying to settle down as well as trying to come to life.. How confusing..