My plans so far..

My plans for Australia are coming along nicely, over the past 2 weeks. When I had decided to go back, I didn't really have any definite plans as to what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I wasn't stressing about it and knew that everything would fall into place once I got there.

Last week however, my aunt Trish rang, and suggested I come and stay with them, for some weeks. Seeing as though I wasn't too concerned about where I'd be going and what I'd be doing, it didn't really seem like something I had to think twice about. It actually seemed like the wisest next step to take, towards starting to get back in to the traveling-mode again. So I happily agreed. I was planning on visiting them anyhow, so it wouldn't really matter when. It would also give the homefront a more secure feeling..me flying out of Ireland to be around family for a few weeks or however long. From there, I know I'll know in what direction I want to head and what I'll want to do. Everything will fall into place, as it's supposed to. Of that I'm 100% sure.

So I'm pretty happy with how it's planned out so far. I'll be flying to Brisbane, which is pretty near where they live. Yesterday I booked my flight. Finally, after weeks of deliberation. I didn't really see the point in postponing it any longer. So I'm flying out of Dublin on the 23rd of April. Ma's first reaction was..that's not the end of April!! But hey-ho.. what can I say? It's 6 weeks from now and I'm so glad that I've finally settled on a date. Now, there's no turning back.

The whole feeling I had of being convinced that something was going to get in the way of me going or that I might be jinxing it by talking about it so much, has gone. Now that it's booked, there's nothing holding me back. And the more I would tell myself that something is going to go wrong, the more likely it would have done. But not anymore. The plans are made and I'm sticking to them.

Excitement, liberation, freedom, buzzing..are all the feelings that are going around inside. But I have to admit that there is a small part of me, that's flying to Brisbane, for Ma, instead of flying to Melbourne. I don't know why.. To make her happy, I suppose. For me, there wouldn't be a worse feeling in the world than to know that Ma is against me going (even though I know she doesn't want me to).. Now though, she's kind of more happy about it, because of this. Which then can frustrate me a little too. Of course there's a larger part of me that wants to go to Brisbane, to start off. I'll be setting myself up again, I'll be adjusting, I'll be around familiar people and most importantly: I'll be in Oz.

Then, it starts.. the thinking..and I know I'm doing it too much again.. There's also a small part of me that feels like a failure for flying to Brisbane. Why? Because hearing people say that they are worried about me and wondering if I'm strong enough to go to Oz, just makes me more determined to show them all that I'm capable of it and with that I'm wanting to push myself further and challenge myself more by making this next step as big as possible. It's so unnecessary. Because I have nothing to prove to nobody. But I just can't help being so determined that I'm strong enough that getting there, simply won't be enough. I know where it's heading and I know where it's come from so that's okay. And when I think these thoughts then I have to think again (as if I'm not doing that too much already..) and I know that it's the right thing to do and that it is really is something that I WANT to do.

Proving to others what I can do is me proving to myself what I can do. But I can do anything and I know that. So why would I want to put more stress on myself, by not flying to Brisbane?? What would be the point? Flying anywhere and doing anything, is a walk in the park for me, after that past months, so why I can't I just do what I want without doubting that it's too much or too little? I haven't got an answer to that.

The past weeks I've been remembering certain things, that I choose to see as a sign that going to Trish and Ed is the right next step. The first thing that I remember is that when I was in Holland back in November and being so muddled-up and just a mess, I said goodbye to Trish and Ed, and I'll never forget the thoughts that went to through my mind, as I was leaving - especially when I was giving Trish a hug - and that was me secretly wanting to be out there with them, in April. And that's no joke. I was so weak that night and felt like there was no way I'd ever get back on my feet. But still I said to myself.. April..that's when I'd love to be seeing them in again, in Oz..

I never thought of that good-bye since.. only the past few weeks, it started to come back to me. So strange that those thoughts were already there in November, when I hadn't even decided that I didn't want to live in Holland anymore. I hadn't made any plans about going back to Oz, I hadn't thought about anything that far ahead..just getting back to Ireland and to my bed was all I really wanted. But still, April and Oz managed to stick.. I seem to find that the strangest thing ever. The other thing that I remember so well too and that I also choose to see as a sign.. is when I was at my all time lowest, I'd dream about living any kind of happy, healthy life or the the life I'd love so so much and I'd always have visions of me being in Oz, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dry, red, flat landscape, sitting outside and being totally at ease, strong, revitalized, energized and happy whilst writing, with a beer in my hand. And another little secret.. I was in Trish and Ed's.. Isn't that another freaky little thing??

Those are visions that I'll never forget. And guess what..they won't be visions alone. They'll be made a reality..Isn't that amazing? Some might say that it's my imagination running so far ahead of me, that it's almost done a few extra laps and will be catching up with me soon again.. But so what? To have visions of something and to dream about it and then to actually know that you'll be getting as close to those visions as physically possible.. Could anybody ask for anything more? I couldn't. The simplicity of the smallest little things and seeing them unfold before your very own eyes is so cool but then suddenly looking back and not seeing how everything led to this point. I could never have known months ago, that this was all going to happen the way it has done. I didn't intend to actually make those visions of me being able to be strong enough to fly, a reality. It's all just happened and it's all fallen into place. So those imagines will be coming alive.. and I sometimes can't quite believe it.

I'm not scared that something might get in the way. If it does, then so be it. I'm not anxious that I won't be able to do this, because I will. I'm not doubting myself that I'm making the wrong decision, because it feels good. I'm not stressed by what is going to happen so soon, but relieved that I'll be branching out again. Spreading my wings, to experience freedom, still slowly but with enough strength.. Maybe I'm a superstitious person, but that doesn't bother me.. There could be far worse things to be in this wonderful life.. So my mind is settled and at ease once again and it's all still happening!!!

A spring in each step

The evenings are getting brighter, the days are getting longer. It could only be by a minute or 2 each day. But it's happening. More hours in the day, to do more things, to be more active and to live a little more. More time to feel alive and make the most out of each day. A totally different approach to each day compared to 6months ago. People are happier and full of beans. People feel more energized and look forward to the months ahead. They have a little spring in their steps and a smile on their faces. People suddenly take the effort to say "hello" to strangers and wish them well, on their daily-doings. Heads are lifted, backs are no longer arched and legs don't feel as heavy as they once did. They walk along, and the all-consuming thoughts and worries that once made their eyes focus on the ground, are no longer there and people can notice the difference in themselves and in others. Surroundings are suddenly there and properly seen, as if noticed for the first time. Sounds, smells and sights all rolled into one that secretly force people to become aware of the meaning, the feeling and the life.

Our bodies are in-tune with each season that changes and each season to come. It's a natural force. Each body, that belongs to a certain hemisphere and climate, is in-sync with the changes that come along with them. And that's why going into "hibernation" after each summer isn't dwelt on. It's something that's normal. Everybody knows that after hibernation there will be Spring time to look forward to. And every person yearns for it as it is that what the body needs.

Spring-time, the time of year that people have been waiting for. The time when all the dark months are behind us and the bright ones are still to come. It keeps us on our toes, as the weather changes. It's proven that people who have always lived in places with 4 seasons, and suddenly don't have them anymore, can become off-balanced, feel uneasy, unsettled, moody or even depressed. Their bodies aren't used to not undergoing these changing in their environment. The weather stays the same but the body needs a change of climate. It's waiting for it, but it doesn't happen. However it doesn't have to effect everybody who no longer finds themselves in the climate they belong, but it can. But what does happen, is that the weather at hand is then suddenly taken for granted, because it's always there and therefore appreciation is something of the past. Living in a different climate where there's no change of seasons means there's no way the mood of life can grasp onto anything in order for it to be uplifted.

Establishing that it can vital to live in the climate which your body is accustomed to, surely also means that we're always chasing after seasons? Always wanting the next one to come and therefore wishing away the one that is being experienced right now? Doesn't that just make the current season somewhat irrelevant? Why go through life knowing that year-in year-out you'll experience the same feelings of darkness, in either the sense of sunlight or in the sense of personal moods, that each season or particular month can bring with it? Some people are already hating certain months, even before they arrive, just because the time of year in which they take part. They set themselves up to feel down for a whole month. What a shame that is.

Ask anybody you meet, what their worst months of the year are and everybody will at least have 2 or 3 that they dread. Doesn't this mean that said people spend 20% of their lives, wishing for it not be taking place in the time, season or month, that it's happening? When it's Spring, people enjoy it for a few weeks and then are waiting for Summer. Then it's Summer, and if there are hotter days, people want it to be cooler and start waiting for Winter, so it's cold outside and cosy inside. But then everyone wants the Spring again. It's a cycle, ongoing and it will never stop. So when will we be able to say, yes I love the way it is right now and am not going to wish it away?

If we already know that there will be cooler times and warmer times, brighter hours and darker hours, then can't we just stop chasing after it, because it will happen with or without us wishing away or wishing it to happen.. Can't we just take each season as it comes and enjoy what it has to offer instead of always wanting something else? Because of this, we become immune to what is happening right now. (But Spring is always the season to put a spring in every step..hence the name!). So then, wouldn't it not matter if the seasons did or didn't change, seeing as though we'd be too much focused on wanting what's to come and not seeing what is right here right now? We wouldn't be in-tune with it, we wouldn't be switched-on, we wouldn't see it. And still we want and need for these changes to happen..

Without them, we miss them. With them, we're never satisfied. We know they'll be happening, yet that doesn't always make us happier. We can't be at ease until we see it with our own eyes. And that's what's happening now. People are seeing, smelling and feeling. As I've been told so many times before.. you have to go through one season to experience the next. When things stay the same, there is no balance, there are no opposites and no comparisons to be made. So is that why there is such a thing as 4 seasons, to experience appreciation, gratitude and balance? Which then gives us security, sanity and vitality just to live and be..

My darkest days, where during the brightest months. My brightest days, were during the darkest months... My mood and my feelings were never influenced by the seasons. The sun, the rain, the wind, the clouds, the snow.. My own personal weather forecast was different to that of my surroundings. I was immune to it all. But I know that, around about now, my own season is in-sync with the season of my surroundings. A lightness, brightness, a flutter and some joy.. and after the past few days there's not a doubt in my mind that this is my time to be leaving. Because this evening, as the day is brighter, my mood wasn't..at the thoughts of being here and feeling so great. But then I have to appreciate why I'm still here right now. Not to wish it away. Not to get down. Yes, to look forward to traveling, but also to not forget the here and now. I don't need to feel alone or sad or upset anymore, there's no reason for it. It's the changing of the seasons.. No more tears in my eyes, just a brightness that shines through, making every change an vital one, no matter awkward it might feel.

Precious life

One thing this week, that has been very much an issue, is that a friend of Eileens has passed away. A 19 year old girl, who took an overdose at the weekend. Poor Eileen is devastated, as you can imagine. Such a tragedy for a young life like that to be taken. I never knew her myself, but just the thoughts of what it's doing to her family and friends is awful. It's always when things like this happen, that your whole life is put into perspective. I almost felt guilty for feeling so good the past few days, as others were going through such an ordeal. And the thing is, that things like this are happening everywhere, day in day out. It's not until it's closer to home that you stop and think and suddenly realize what life is all about and just how precious it really is. The same feelings came up for me over the past few days as the feelings that came up when I went to Mickey's anniversary.. I have been given a second chance in life. Something that not everybody gets. Before it's too late, it can be over, without having realized what the beauty of simply being alive really is.

It might sound so selfish, for me to able to take something from other people's grief, sorrow and heartache. But, when I was standing by Mickey's grave and too when I was hearing about Eileens friend, I felt so blessed for having recovered from an illness, for no longer suffering and for no longer having to fear that anorexia might end up getting the better of me. Because it won't, I can be so sure of that. Feeling bad about getting back on my feet and for someone's life to have been taken, without them having the intention of wanting to leave this earth, put everything into perspective. For so long, the illness longed and yearned and pushed so it could experience what it was "made" for..to end someone's life. But that never happened. But the past few days, this tiny little voice in the back of my mind has been chanting over and over again.. "that could have been me".

It doesn't freak me out, because I've come to terms with how close I got, but it makes me feel blessed. I believe that everybody's time is already set, I'm so convinced of that fact. And the way it happens, is also already destined. The past few days I've been plagued with visions of me lying in bed 8 months ago, on the days I telling myself that I wasn't allowed to loose any more weight, for fear of what another kilo could do to me. I could see myself lying in bed on the days when I was scared of falling asleep at night for fear of how slow my heart my get. And I remember me telling myself.. "this isn't my time, I cannot let this get any worse". It was like a break through.

I don't know where exactly that voice came from, telling me that I needed to get better. It was ever so soft, but it managed to have more impact on me than the voice of my darkness. I chose to listen to it and I'll be forever grateful for having had those nights. In the midst of depression, I still knew that this wasn't my time and I'm simply blessed by that. I really am. I feel awful writing this and admitting what the loss of a young persons life has brought up for me..but maybe it's a good thing in a way. Because feeling blessed, by life itself, is probably more precious than anything the world can give you. Once someone can experience that, it's something to treasure. There's nothing or nobody that can or will ever take that away. It doesn't make life a scary thing, but it makes it magical and wonderful.

Learning or getting clarity from other peoples sorrow is something that happens everyday. I know for certain that so many youngsters who knew Eileens' friend, right now, can see how quickly it can end and therefore how important it is to make the most out of everyday that we've got. But as times goes on, everybody gets back into their routine and the feeling that the experienced grief brought up, subsides and the mundane life takes a hold once again and the lesson that was learned and the realizations that were made, fade away and the importance of insignificant worries and tasks cloud over that sense of gratitude that was once felt, for just living and breathing each and every day.

To feel guilt, for seeing things so clearly, is another way to see that nothing we do or feel will ever be right, if we live our lives according to what others might think or say about each individual. So to let go of guilt, would be the only way to truly feel, and honour these feelings, that can be brought-up by such a situation. Pain is something that will always be in this world. But to dwell on it or to be scared by it, is only making experiences in life take a different pattern. But to see the miracle instead, is something not to be ashamed of. To have the ability to do this, is something that is much more special. To be aware of this fact and of what is really happening can bring up much better feelings than guilt or shame. Gratitude and love. That's all, such simplicity but so special at the same time..

A brief week

Last week, I wanted to shout out for people to be supportive of my plans.. And they have been so much. However with or without having said or having felt all this amazing support, I don't feel the need anymore to try and convince people of how well I'm doing or how good I'm feeling. Because people know. And convincing others is usually to also convince myself. But I don't need to anymore. I'm strong and I'm still changing a little every week. Little things that didn't feel as effortless 2 weeks ago, now can feel so natural. Opening-up more and more, is becoming my second nature, as it always used to be. I'd be lying if I said that now and then I'm not plagued with guilt, because I am. I can't deny it. But it's fine. It's there but that's all. It doesn't rule me, it's doesn't control my eating or my mood, as it once would have done. The guilt doesn't serve a purpose in my life, so I choose not to engage in it. And the more I do this, the easier it will get. For example..eating chocolate cake. Yes, I did feel bad afterwards and even the next morning. But I left it for what it was..something that will only try to bring me down as well as something I can live with for a short while and will make me more stable in dealing with the hard times.

I'd also be lying if I said that I don't question what I eat. Because I do. I still wonder if I'm restricting myself and sometimes I don't know the answer. Which is confusing. But I'm eating when I'm hungry, I'm eating what I want and I'm eating just like everyone else. I enjoy every meal and I look forward to the next. If it's the wrong thing and makes me feel disgusting, then so be it. That happens to the best of people.. eating the wrong thing and then feeling bloated or whatever afterwards. Analyzing these feelings as they come up, won't help me. Because it makes it all too complicated, it makes me doubt myself and it makes me look for trouble, when really there isn't any. Sometimes I want to stuff my face, but am just so full from either breakfast or lunch, that I'm not able. And sometimes I'm raging because I can't fit anything else in!! Other than that, there's nothing I need to say on the subject of food..

Not seeing Diann yesterday was so great. I felt such relief, which I didn't expect. Sunday was so nice, because it wasn't on my mind. It was like I didn't have to do any work on Monday, like I had the "day off" and I didn't have to worry about anything. I never thought I'd feel like that. Such freedom is all I felt to do and feel and be as I want. Not that I couldn't any other week. But therapy sessions are hard. It's not always fun or easy putting myself under so much pressure every week, to try and come up with a conclusion or to dig as much as I possibly can, to take something away from an hour with Diann. But I did. Every week, over and over again. I never stopped. I would keep notes, everyday, as to what I wanted to ask or what I thought might be helpful to talk about or what conclusions I had made myself, each week and would memorize them every Sunday. That way, I wouldn't walk out of a session and still have things on my mind. Everything "in here" needed to be "out there".

I remember on somedays, when I'd have finished as session, before going back in the car, I'd pop to the loo just to privately write down some phrases or notes, in the space of 2 minutes, just so I wouldn't forget what Diann had said or what I could learn and analyze later on. Ma never suspected a thing. Nobody ever knew just how much I would push myself every week, constantly to make a bit of progress no matter how hard or easy things were. But I've passed that stage now. So I'm happy I'm not needing a session every week. And saying that, does make me feel kind of bad, towards Diann. Almost like I don't appreciate what she's done for me. But I do, again, more than anyone will ever know. However, like this blog, I also need to break away from her. Standing on my own two feet again and living and independent life. My wings were once broken, but have been mended and need to be put to the test to see if they are strong enough to fly without support.

With this in mind, I can still feel odd, admitting that I'm feeling great without having a weekly session. It's Dianns profession and her work, to help people when they are in need. And it's also apart of her work, to encourage the healing soul to stand alone and live life as a strong individual. So she is delighted for me that I'm feeling this way. To her it means that she's done her job, to the best of her ability, that she has relieved the world of another muddled-up person. Her work is to guide, to inspire, to teach, to touch, to heal and to shine a light on someones life. And that's exactly what she's done. So I shouldn't feel bad, for having come so far and therefore not feeling the need to lean on her, the way I used to. I guess I won't be able to rest easily until I've shared this with her. Even though she knows what she has done for me and she knows what a special person she is, she hasn't heard those words from my mouth yet. (and she'd probably be shocked if she were to read my blog and see that she had one of the leading roles..!) Next week Monday I'll have a session again. But there's no bubbling, no pressure, no stress, just free free free..

Untouchable support

This blog, has been all my work. It has saved me, to a certain extent. And for that I'm extremely grateful. But who should I thank, for this? The people from Blogspot.com? That doesn't sound quite right.. I mean, I made the decision! I could have done it without blogspot.com.. Because even when I was really ill and couldn't think straight or function properly, I still knew that I had to set up this blog. It was initially for friends and family in Holland, who wouldn't be around me, but still wanted to keep track of my progress. So should I be grateful to them, for wanting to follow my journey? Most definitely!! If that hadn't been the case, I wouldn't have set up this blog and writing probably wouldn't have played such a large role, in my recovery. And I probably wouldn't have realized just how much I love to write and spend my days putting my thoughts into something that could inspire or maybe even help others. So to them I'm so so grateful.. I cannot put it into words really.

Once I had started, I would never have stopped the writing. If everyone had stopped reading my blog and lost interest, it wouldn't have mattered. I do know that has happened along the way, not that I mind one bit and you'll never hear me speak bad of them. Because I can imagine how draining it would have gotten at times, to read about something so depressing.. And sometimes I do try to place myself on the otherside of the blog.. as the reader.. But that was a hard thing to do.

It's only recently that I've started to have admiration for those who have been prepared to follow my every step. However, saying that, I've also never thought too much about the "otherside" and once my thoughts were on my blog, that was it.. I would never read it back (and still haven't by the way, it's far too painful and surreal). And I couldn't even start to take others people's feeling into consideration (no matter how selfish that might sound). I simply couldn't afford to think of what it might do. Because that would have stopped the whole "flow" of my recovery. I would have gotten too worried of other people's concerns and fears and that would have made me not be as honest and open as I have been. I never expected some people, who have been following this blog, since the very first day, to still be keeping track and to still make the effort of checking in on my recovery. When times were so hard, I didn't even think about who would have been reading my stuff, I simply didn't care. But even having that attitude and being so muddled, the thought that others were following my progress always helped me more than anyone will ever know.

The strange thing about it is, that I couldn't see the support, as I didn't hardly see anybody or hear anybody's voice. But that didn't matter.. That was probably best of all. I don't think I could have done it any other way. So I couldn't see, hear or touch the support, but I knew it was out there and for people to do the smallest deed by reading my writings, was a big part of my recovery. I never expected in a million years to get so much understanding, love, belief, encouragement and wise-words from people I don't see on a regular basis. It just confirms what I believe so strongly in..and that's the fact that distance means nothing at all.. Support can come in so many different forms, even from the other side of the world and it can feel just as strongly and mean just as much, or sometimes even more, as when it comes from somebody who lives 5 minutes away. For people who have such busy lives, and still managed to check in with me, has been overwhelming.

I was talking to Diann last week, about the support I got and she said that a lot of girls could have 10 times the support, but wouldn't see it, for what it is. But taking as much from a text message for example, as one possibly can and seeing that as another reason to keep up the fight or as reassurance that I wasn't alone in the world, made any kind of support worth it's weight in gold. One smile that would be put on my face for a few seconds, during my hours of misery after reading 2 lines in an email, meant more to me than anyone will ever know.

I'm at the stage now, where the smile will last longer, and doesn't hurt my facial expression anymore because the muscles in my face (which were non-existent at one point) are being trained after having introduced laughter and smiles into my daily-doings. Which is another reason for me to get out of bed in the morning, or even wake up with a smile already there. So it's no longer feels or is unusual to smile, but what I'm saying is that I'll never ever be able to smile enough when it comes to thinking about all the love and support I've gotten throughout my recovery. All I want to do is thank people over and over again, but I simply can't. All I can do, is be myself and be there whenever anybody needs my help, in whatever way, shape or form it may be. If I also just live a fulfilled life, everyone will know that they played a part in helping me find my happiness and myself and that they will always be so special to me for having made my world and my life come together as it has done. I chose to take strength from other people's belief in me.

The past few weeks, as I've been telling people about Australia and my plans, everybody has been amazingly supportive. I can't believe the things some people have been saying to me. It's just amazing. Some friends that haven't been following my blog, but know that I wasn't well, have even said things to me that I never ever would have expected to hear them say. They seemed to know so much and say so much truth, that it overwhelms me to read the words that are meant for me. I can't believe that what I feel inside, is also exactly what they can now read in my emails or see or hear and they seem to know what I'm all about. It can blow me away, that they can know me so well, even if they haven't followed my blog. It makes me feel so reassured to hear that they can now see what I can also see and feel. It's so amazing. They are things that I'll never forget and gestures that are meaningful and will treasure so dearly. Right now, I'm seem to be just filled with so much love for everything and everybody, that I'm beside myself..

Blogging about the blog

There hasn't been day that's gone by when I haven't thought about this blog, since writing last Friday. I wouldn't say that it's hard to break free from it, but it's more the fact that I know I still have loads to write about, but of a different kind. The urge would come for me to log-on, it would nearly be on auto-pilot. What do I do with that? Ignore that urge and keep on winding down the blogging? Or do I go ahead and do it anyhow and not care that I could be making it harder for me to stop? And another question: Why am I talking about this like it's an addiction of some sort?

The main thing is that this blog has been one of the things that has gotten me through. It was, at one point, my reason for getting up in the morning. It was the reason for my eating..I needed extra calories to be able to make sense of things and to have the energy to actually think and type, all at once. It was what made me take rests in the afternoon because I'd be so tired from writing and pushing my barriers at the same time, as I'd be letting the "world" know my darkest nightmares. Everyday, that's all I wanted and all I needed and it was the thing that made me feel good, somewhat alive and sane and the thing that made me also feel I had some sort of a purpose each and every day.

What do I do now then? Do I just carry on through life, and blog forever? If I don't blog, then will I loose my focus and will I forget what a great feeling I get whenever I write (even if it isn't worthy of reading..)? Will I loose my drive, to develop more writing skills? Will I be tempting fate, by becoming detached from what I feel I can do and achieve, as my fingers to the work?? Maybe I should leave this blog for what it is, as I slowly tie-up loose ends, and feel stronger for being able to live and not feel the constant need to write about my days? I mean, who does it? People write daily journals, and keep it to themselves.. But surely nobody keeps track of every little detail that happens by posting it on their own personal website everyday..?? Then again, I suppose it doesn't matter. I can't really compare myself to anybody else, and I can't speak badly of myself for having done this either..

Whenever I think I have nothing to write, I have to think again.. Because I have always got something to write about. Saying that there's nothing to put "out there", is also saying that there's nothing "in here". But when it comes to this blog..me not wanting to constantly be writing on it anymore, is just a sign that I don't want or need to write about THIS anymore. Sometimes there just isn't anything left to say, that could have anything to do with my recovery. I'll be wrapping it up over the next couple of weeks.

The only thing that seems to be worrying me the most, is how much I'll miss it. I suppose it doesn't have to end. Because writing about my life and still having things to say, after having beaten anorexia, just shows that I'm experiencing more and different things again. Which will be amazing. (Not that I wasn't experiencing anything over the past 8 months, because I most definitely was. It was an experience I'll never forget and that I wouldn't have missed for the world.) But writing about other experiences, will be from a different perspective, with a different approach and maybe even for a different "audience". I just never want to stop writing, that's all I can say. And I shouldn't really fear that I will have to. Because, just like this blog, I decide what I write and when I write. It'll be my decision to keep it up and it won't be a chore because it's what I love to more than anything.. So why should I stop?

Cutting down on this blog, really is a good thing. I can't dwell on the fact that I feel like I'm letting myself, or others down, by stepping away from it.. Because I'm not. It will just be me, closing one chapter to open yet another.. An exciting one with a different focus. I can be sure, that not blogging about my feelings around food and my daily thoughts, won't make me relapse. Because if I feel the need to write, then I can. But it won't be for the world to read or to know about. And that's fine. I know how to deal with things, I have the tools, so I can be sure that all will be well. I'll be stopping one thing, to start another, which is the most refreshing thing a person can experience. Especially when the thing that is being stopped, has given someone so much which can only be gained, once haven gone through such a life-changing ordeal.