Everything in moderation. That's the thing that applies to everything in this life. Pleasure in moderation, and pain in moderation. Too much pleasure can lead to addiction and too much pain can lead to experiences being clouded by discomfort. And who wants either? With alcohol, it gives us pleasure, to a certain extent. A few wines, or beers, can be so delicious. But to go too far changes the experience and it's no longer pleasurable. The pleasure got to such a high, that the thoughts of having more, felt nice, but really it's not. Because it then leads to pain and there's no more balance and days can get too hard. Episodes like this don't have to be major. They can maybe only last for some hours. But the length of it, isn't the issue. It's the mindsetting that comes along with it, and that can maybe last longer than the actual physical recovery, after indulging in too much alcohol accompanied with pleasure. But on the other hand, if I know all of this, and I know that I'll never do any damage to myself by getting too involved in the pleasure that alcohol gives me, then I'll never go too far, to the point of no return.. Alcohol was at times my escape. And it don't want it to be used for that reason anymore. So if I'm aware that party-mood that lasts longer than a few hours, will never be neverending, then can't I just feel at ease with having whatever I like, and leaving the guilt behind? I think I can..
I'm just still trying to find the balance, when it comes to alcohol. I've been without it for so long, after being with it for even longer, that it's been reintroduced to my new "me" and Ï'm being cautious of doing it right and mucking up my head, if I go too far too often. That's what happened before, I can see that now. And I think it's only natural for me to want and need to more switched-on, when it comes to alcohol. As I"m sitting here, feeling silly for analyzing it so much, I know it's not a bad thing that I'm doing this. I know I need it and I know that most of this does make sense..to me anyhow. So I'll leave the subject alone for the moment.
However, back to today, and back to what I know that I know.. and that's that last night, before going to bed, I was huge. I was fat again and despised myself for thinking that way about myself. Maybe it's because of everything I'm feeling at the moment. I'm a little on edge, maybe restless and maybe stressed. Because on Thursday night I felt like I'd finished everything I had to do in Holland. I felt like there was nothing more for me here, except for spending time with family and friends. But that's temporary and not something that I'm going to be building my life around. I'm picking my life back up, but not here. And as the week had drawn to an end, I felt more and more that I'm closing a chapter in my life. I've already spoken about Holland and how I'm leaving it behind and stuff, so I'm not going to go over that anymore. But it's still sad, no matter how certain I am that I've made the right decision about going to Australia.
So I know what's happening around me. And I'm relieved to say that I'm okay to leave here and I'm not okay with going back to Ireland. I know, after this week, that I'm still needing to find the balance, but that's normal. I also know that I can't remember the last time I felt so healthy and happy whilst being around family and friends here..it was probably before I left for Oz, in 2006. So that in itself is a huge difference. My mind and body feel so nourished, protected, safe, full of life and strong. Back in Ireland I never really felt it like I do here. Because there's nothing there, that can encourage me to push my boundaries and actually experience a full life with laughter and fun. It's all here, right now, and I've experienced it, this week. And I'm extactic now for my next step..which will be happening in 3 weeks time!!!!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Wobbly times - 1
It's Saturday morning. My last full day in Holland, before heading back to Ireland. The past week has flown, but at the same time I feel like I've been here for so much longer because I've done so much. Or maybe I haven't really done that much. But just being away from Ireland and enjoying myself more than I've done in such a long time, makes it feel like I've been on holidays and holidays always fly by..especially with lots of goodness going on. But it's been great.
This morning I woke up though and didn't want to be here anymore. I looked out the window, and felt suffocated. The houses, the estate, the pulling, the pushing.. So much I wanted to do, but I knew it would be too much but still never enough. Not enough and wanting more, but not here and not in this manner. Then the thoughts of leaving here and going back to Ireland, didn't make me happierj. The thoughts of staying here, didn't really appeal either.
It sounds so contradicting.. I know what's going on though. I want to be here, and be busy and hang out with my friends and be happy. Because I haven't felt this way is such a long time. And it would be so easy for me to slip back into a life in Holland. But I won't be, and of course realizing this, while I'm still here, does make me sad. I'm sad that I have to say goodbye to Emma and Orla, Enya and Aiden, Marcel and Arno, Sandra and Noami, Janneke, Natasja, Wendy, Imke.. and so many more. Of course it's bound to effect me in some way. It will throw me off course and make me slightly stressed, like it did this morning. And with that comes the alcohol. If there's anything that has been causing me guilt this past week, it's that. There's either too much or too little. If I can't have it, I want it. If I'm having it, I know that it's bad and that I'll feel guilty the next morning. It's only happened twice though this week.. This morning and yesterday morning. I can't say that I had a hangover, but I just felt bad for having had it.
And then I could relate to the example that Diann gave me a few times, as to what can make her restrict..It happens when she tells herself that she's going to do a detox for a week or more, or try to be a vegan or vegetarian. It mucks-up her way of thinking and can throw her behaviour around food off-balance, as well as her bodyimage. Now I can see that, when it comes to me, too much alcohol can do the same. I think. One weekend of drinking is fine (like last weekend for instance), but it's when it becomes nearly a daily thing, then all I want is to compensate my calorie-intake the next day. I want to, but I haven't done that this week. I can't let the guilt I wake up with, effect my eating. I've been dreaming of calories too. But it hasn't made me cut back on food at all. I can just sense the guilt and feel how easily I could give in.
I'm not 100% certain that the guilt is because of the calories or if it's because of the enjoyment I get from drinking.. I can't say for certain. Because I have been enjoying myself and I'm allowed and without alcohol I don't have any sense that I'm doing anything bad. Not at all. If anything, I feel on top of the world and nothing can get to me. I just don't like to go over the top when it comes to booze. It makes me feel so bad. But then, if I say no to alcohol because of feeling guilty for having it, then will I be in restraint? That's a question that I can't easily answer.
I sometimes am pretty sure I've found the answer. Sometimes I'm convinced that I've got it all sussed. And most of the time I do. But it's just in my nature, to want to be able to find the answer to everything that gets me down. Questioning things seems to be the best way to find peace with uncertainty. But then again, if I'm at ease and if I'm full of life and happy, then uncertainty and therefore also unanswered questions, won't disrupt me. I'll just accept that sometimes I do know why I'm feeling guilt and that others times I don't know. I'll just let it all be, without giving it power over me. And that's when I won't care that too much enjoyment from drinking could be the reason for me not to feel too happy the following morning. I won't care that the real reason for my guilt is because alcohol simply gives me a little hangover the next day and can ruin my mood. Or simply because alcohol isn't something that's healthy and therefore shouldn't be in my body. But when I start talking like that, it's sounds too familiar and reminds me of certain times when I used to talk like that..which were the hard times of restriction, so I can be sure that I'm restricting for the wrong reasons.. huummmm.. it can be so tricky at times.
More to come..
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This morning I woke up though and didn't want to be here anymore. I looked out the window, and felt suffocated. The houses, the estate, the pulling, the pushing.. So much I wanted to do, but I knew it would be too much but still never enough. Not enough and wanting more, but not here and not in this manner. Then the thoughts of leaving here and going back to Ireland, didn't make me happierj. The thoughts of staying here, didn't really appeal either.
It sounds so contradicting.. I know what's going on though. I want to be here, and be busy and hang out with my friends and be happy. Because I haven't felt this way is such a long time. And it would be so easy for me to slip back into a life in Holland. But I won't be, and of course realizing this, while I'm still here, does make me sad. I'm sad that I have to say goodbye to Emma and Orla, Enya and Aiden, Marcel and Arno, Sandra and Noami, Janneke, Natasja, Wendy, Imke.. and so many more. Of course it's bound to effect me in some way. It will throw me off course and make me slightly stressed, like it did this morning. And with that comes the alcohol. If there's anything that has been causing me guilt this past week, it's that. There's either too much or too little. If I can't have it, I want it. If I'm having it, I know that it's bad and that I'll feel guilty the next morning. It's only happened twice though this week.. This morning and yesterday morning. I can't say that I had a hangover, but I just felt bad for having had it.
And then I could relate to the example that Diann gave me a few times, as to what can make her restrict..It happens when she tells herself that she's going to do a detox for a week or more, or try to be a vegan or vegetarian. It mucks-up her way of thinking and can throw her behaviour around food off-balance, as well as her bodyimage. Now I can see that, when it comes to me, too much alcohol can do the same. I think. One weekend of drinking is fine (like last weekend for instance), but it's when it becomes nearly a daily thing, then all I want is to compensate my calorie-intake the next day. I want to, but I haven't done that this week. I can't let the guilt I wake up with, effect my eating. I've been dreaming of calories too. But it hasn't made me cut back on food at all. I can just sense the guilt and feel how easily I could give in.
I'm not 100% certain that the guilt is because of the calories or if it's because of the enjoyment I get from drinking.. I can't say for certain. Because I have been enjoying myself and I'm allowed and without alcohol I don't have any sense that I'm doing anything bad. Not at all. If anything, I feel on top of the world and nothing can get to me. I just don't like to go over the top when it comes to booze. It makes me feel so bad. But then, if I say no to alcohol because of feeling guilty for having it, then will I be in restraint? That's a question that I can't easily answer.
I sometimes am pretty sure I've found the answer. Sometimes I'm convinced that I've got it all sussed. And most of the time I do. But it's just in my nature, to want to be able to find the answer to everything that gets me down. Questioning things seems to be the best way to find peace with uncertainty. But then again, if I'm at ease and if I'm full of life and happy, then uncertainty and therefore also unanswered questions, won't disrupt me. I'll just accept that sometimes I do know why I'm feeling guilt and that others times I don't know. I'll just let it all be, without giving it power over me. And that's when I won't care that too much enjoyment from drinking could be the reason for me not to feel too happy the following morning. I won't care that the real reason for my guilt is because alcohol simply gives me a little hangover the next day and can ruin my mood. Or simply because alcohol isn't something that's healthy and therefore shouldn't be in my body. But when I start talking like that, it's sounds too familiar and reminds me of certain times when I used to talk like that..which were the hard times of restriction, so I can be sure that I'm restricting for the wrong reasons.. huummmm.. it can be so tricky at times.
More to come..
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Thursday, April 2, 2009
Holland - Ireland
Being in Holland, all has been good, so it's got me thinking. That awful feeling I was having 4 months ago, is gone. Which is so so good. And the thoughts of going back to Ireland, aren't making as happy as they once did. That's such a relief to feel. It's a relief to feel that I can be in Holland and feel fine, but still know that I don't want to live here. At the moment, if I had to choose between the 2.. I think it would have to be Holland. But at the same time, I know that it wouldn't do me a whole lot of good and it wouldn't make me happy. I would never want to give out about Ireland or Holland for that matter. The 2 countries both have their good sides. But that doesn't mean that I'd feel happy to live in either of them.
In a way it's a shame. Because both countries are where my childhood was, where my family and friends are. They have both given me so much. To think that so many great memories can be linked to one certain place or country in general and for me to still not feel comfortable there, is a little bit disheartening. Mainly it's because at one stage in life, I was so convinced that that place was the only place on earth that I'll always long to be. No matter how far I travel, whenever anybody asks "where is home and where do you want to eventually settle?" Holland was always my answer. Without any hesitation, it was the place that would always give me so much. The place that would make me feel alive with so many people, the multi-cultured society, the language, the hustle and bustle, the organized system, the way it's so near to tens of other countries.. on and on the list could go.
My mates from traveling that I've met over the past month, were all amazed when I said that I don't want to live in Holland. Because that was what I was so sure of, when we spoke of settling down..Holland was the place for me. So when it turned out that I didn't feel all that excitement I spoke about when it came to living in Holland, it came as a shock to me too. But I'm so grateful for having become aware of this fact, or else probably around about now, I'd be settling back into work, and life in Breda, because it was what I thought I needed to do.
Now though, I'm okay with being in Holland and I'm okay to leave. But I wouldn't have been okay to leave, if I'd be going back to Ireland without knowing that I'm leaving there soon. I'm so glad to feel this way right now. I've stopped regretting the fact that I'm turning away from Holland. I've started to see it as a country, that has given me so much: my dear friends, my language, my education, my teenage-craziness.. I'll therefore always miss it in a way, but I can't let that get mixed-up with the feeling of wanting to live here. I'll always miss certain things.. like riding a bike, like going to Amsterdam (on the very odd occasion) and hearing the tram-bells ringing or standing on the platform waiting for the train and the woman over the intercom suddenly announces that the train has been delayed by 6 minutes (yes, never to forget the Dutch accuracy when it comes to time-keeping). These are just things I'll miss when it comes to the country itself. I'm not even talking about how much I'll miss certain people who live in it, and what I'll miss about them. I'm not even going to get started on that..
Now knowing that I wouldn't be happy going back to Ireland either, is a joy in a way. But just like Holland, I'll never talk bad about the country. It has a different meaning to me, than Holland does. Because Ireland is my home, even though I may never litterally have my own home there (only Ma's of course). It will always feel familiar. It will always give me so much, just by returning for even a short weekend. It's exactly how the song goes: "The green green grass of home". And this applies so much to Ireland. But it's never mattered where I've gone, even when I was living in Holland, I would always miss certain things about Ireland. Like the smell of turf in the air on a winters night, or the green mountains, or sitting in an Irish pub and enjoying some Bulmers, or listening to the strong Irish accent on the radio.. Again the list could go on and on. However missing these things, doesn't mean I'd be happy to live there.
Ireland has given me so much. More so than I could ever have imagined, after the past months. It's the place I needed to be, the place that gave me peace of mind, the place that calmed me down. The general mentality of the people in my surroundings reminded me that life doesn't have to fast-paced to be enjoyed. A person doesn't need oceans of other people just to feel alive inside. This is something that I never knew or felt, until I went back to Ireland. I'm just not to get this sense of home, gratitude and peace mixed-up with wanting to live there. But then again, that has never happened to me, whereever I've been and no matter how much I'd long to sit in an Irish pub. So I shouldn't doubt that I'll mistake my the roots of my past, with the seeds of my future.
Whatever happens, both countries will always be a part of my life. I'll never give out about either of them. Because to others, it's their home and it's the place they feel comfortable and safe and the place they want to sew the seeds of their future. It's the place they know where they are happiest. The place that makes them feel alive and the place where their lives evolve. Who knows I might some day come across a place that gives me that same feeling and hopefully I'll be able to give it something back too. To leave a mark on a certain place, just like that place has left it's mark on me.. That would be nice.. But there's all the time in the world for that.. so I'm not longing for it and I'm not worried about it. Home is where the heart is, and for now, that's right here where I'm sitting and the location doesn't matter one way or another..
In a way it's a shame. Because both countries are where my childhood was, where my family and friends are. They have both given me so much. To think that so many great memories can be linked to one certain place or country in general and for me to still not feel comfortable there, is a little bit disheartening. Mainly it's because at one stage in life, I was so convinced that that place was the only place on earth that I'll always long to be. No matter how far I travel, whenever anybody asks "where is home and where do you want to eventually settle?" Holland was always my answer. Without any hesitation, it was the place that would always give me so much. The place that would make me feel alive with so many people, the multi-cultured society, the language, the hustle and bustle, the organized system, the way it's so near to tens of other countries.. on and on the list could go.
My mates from traveling that I've met over the past month, were all amazed when I said that I don't want to live in Holland. Because that was what I was so sure of, when we spoke of settling down..Holland was the place for me. So when it turned out that I didn't feel all that excitement I spoke about when it came to living in Holland, it came as a shock to me too. But I'm so grateful for having become aware of this fact, or else probably around about now, I'd be settling back into work, and life in Breda, because it was what I thought I needed to do.
Now though, I'm okay with being in Holland and I'm okay to leave. But I wouldn't have been okay to leave, if I'd be going back to Ireland without knowing that I'm leaving there soon. I'm so glad to feel this way right now. I've stopped regretting the fact that I'm turning away from Holland. I've started to see it as a country, that has given me so much: my dear friends, my language, my education, my teenage-craziness.. I'll therefore always miss it in a way, but I can't let that get mixed-up with the feeling of wanting to live here. I'll always miss certain things.. like riding a bike, like going to Amsterdam (on the very odd occasion) and hearing the tram-bells ringing or standing on the platform waiting for the train and the woman over the intercom suddenly announces that the train has been delayed by 6 minutes (yes, never to forget the Dutch accuracy when it comes to time-keeping). These are just things I'll miss when it comes to the country itself. I'm not even talking about how much I'll miss certain people who live in it, and what I'll miss about them. I'm not even going to get started on that..
Now knowing that I wouldn't be happy going back to Ireland either, is a joy in a way. But just like Holland, I'll never talk bad about the country. It has a different meaning to me, than Holland does. Because Ireland is my home, even though I may never litterally have my own home there (only Ma's of course). It will always feel familiar. It will always give me so much, just by returning for even a short weekend. It's exactly how the song goes: "The green green grass of home". And this applies so much to Ireland. But it's never mattered where I've gone, even when I was living in Holland, I would always miss certain things about Ireland. Like the smell of turf in the air on a winters night, or the green mountains, or sitting in an Irish pub and enjoying some Bulmers, or listening to the strong Irish accent on the radio.. Again the list could go on and on. However missing these things, doesn't mean I'd be happy to live there.
Ireland has given me so much. More so than I could ever have imagined, after the past months. It's the place I needed to be, the place that gave me peace of mind, the place that calmed me down. The general mentality of the people in my surroundings reminded me that life doesn't have to fast-paced to be enjoyed. A person doesn't need oceans of other people just to feel alive inside. This is something that I never knew or felt, until I went back to Ireland. I'm just not to get this sense of home, gratitude and peace mixed-up with wanting to live there. But then again, that has never happened to me, whereever I've been and no matter how much I'd long to sit in an Irish pub. So I shouldn't doubt that I'll mistake my the roots of my past, with the seeds of my future.
Whatever happens, both countries will always be a part of my life. I'll never give out about either of them. Because to others, it's their home and it's the place they feel comfortable and safe and the place they want to sew the seeds of their future. It's the place they know where they are happiest. The place that makes them feel alive and the place where their lives evolve. Who knows I might some day come across a place that gives me that same feeling and hopefully I'll be able to give it something back too. To leave a mark on a certain place, just like that place has left it's mark on me.. That would be nice.. But there's all the time in the world for that.. so I'm not longing for it and I'm not worried about it. Home is where the heart is, and for now, that's right here where I'm sitting and the location doesn't matter one way or another..
Finding the balance
It's Tuesday afternoon and things are going good here in Holland. The past few days haven't been too busy, and I'm heading up to Breda in a few hours time, to visit some mates. It will be strange going up, now that I don't live there anymore. I'm a little bit wary about the fact that I could bump into somebody from work. Today is officially my last day to be employed by them. And they still probably think that I'm not able to travel and that things are still not going too well. In a way I feel like I'm lying to them, because I am able to travel and I am so much better and also that I'm tempting fate. I know the chances are ever so slim of bumping into somebody. And if I do, there really isn't that much they can do. I'm just not in the mood to be comfronted and I don't want to have to explain to people who don't really mean a whole lot to me, how I'm doing and at what stage I'm at. It's none of their business. But I know what I'm like. Right now, I'm just worrying about nothing. I've been trying to tell myself that whatever happens, happens. And it's okay. Worrying won't stop it from happening, because I really want to see Janneke and Imke. So I'm just going to let that go for now, and simply go with the flow.
I've been noticing the past few days, that the only thing I'm still trying to find at the moment, is the right balance, whilst being around people constantly and having pretty full days (well, fuller than my days used to be anyhow). This is the first full week I've been away from home and have had busy days all at once and been able to cope properly. So finding the time to do my thing, by myself, isn't always easy. I can't say that it's getting too much for me, because it's not. Nothing is really too busy or too much, so far. But in order for it to stay that way, I need to still find the time that allows me to be aware of how I'm doing and how my head is processing everything and if my body is able to keep up. If I don't take even 15 minutes a day, then I'm scared that things will start to get too much and that I'll get muddled and clouded. It could happen so easily and I really don't want it to. Because everything is feeling so fine, and I don't want anything to ruin it.
Finding the balance, is a difficult thing to do. It isn't something that can happen with the flick of a switch. Especially if there's no real routine. I can really feel like I'm awakening, even though that's been happening for a couple of months now. This week is different from any other though. I can take everything on board, which is great. But at the same time I have to still remind myself that certain little things could set me off. Now and then I get the thoughts of me being too good and too well and too full of life and I start to wonder when it's going to stop and when things are going to go down hill again. If they will or won't, nobody can know. But I find myself either feeling like it's a temporary state of mind I find myself in right now, and that soon enough the real me will come out again. And in my head that "real me" is the "me" from months ago. But I felt alien back then, and I don't now.. So why would I be real, if I were to be feel alien? That makes no sense whatsoever. It's like the statement I made months ago..'"it's all too good to be true".. even though it IS true and it IS real.
Maybe I'm still adjusting to being able to live a big life and feel new at the same time. Maybe it feels strange because it's the first time in 9 months that I've been able to be here in Holland and interact in whatever way I want. Could that be it? Maybe I've changed in such a way that my "daily-doings" are different than what they were before. I suppose that could be true. I just want to do so much, maybe as much as I'd used to do whenever I've been in Holland for a week or so before leaving for a long trip. I'd usually be running around like blue-arse-fly, trying to do everything, and feeling the need to catch-up with everyone before heading off again for a certain amount of time. I'd never take a breather and never allow myself to simply do nothing. So this week I'm in the same position as I've been before; I'm here again and I'll be heading off again for a certain amount of time, so I'm wanting to go everywhere to see everyone I want. But I simply can't be like that anymore. Not if I want my head to still feel clear and calm. To fill my week as I usually would, would cause it to become frazzled and wrecked again, bringing along all other kinds of behaviour and thoughts that I'm really not in the mood for.
It's simply a waste of energy to force myself to deal with old stuff. It's far more relieving and refreshing to sit here and write about nothing in particular, just to find the balance that I want and need to have, in my life. Without it, I don't think I'd be doing so well. I don't think all the compliments I've been getting, would be appreciated like they are being right now. They'd cause all kinds of s*** and I'm not in the mood for that and hope I never will be again. Would you rather stick your energy into staying on top of things, by simply being and enjoying every state of mind that is being experienced, rather than running away with yourself and loosing focus and eventually need more strength to get back on top of things, after restriction could have harmed either your mental or physical strength.?? There is such a huge difference. If the first option is more enjoyable and more healthy and makes me happier, then why would I even consider going for the second option..?? The thing is, I'd never choose the second option but I'd be overcome by it.
I know that it will never be a bad thing if it does happen. I know that I'll learn from it, and learning is always a good thing. But at this stage it would be a shame. So taking a short time out everyday, in between enjoying myself, feeling happy, healthy and strong, isn't a price I have to pay, because it's not a chore. It's something that I want and need to do. Some people watch telly for hours on end. What does it matter if for one of those 24 hours in a day, I stop and reflect and be aware? If that's all it takes, then isn't my health and happiness a done deal?
Sometimes there's the smallest part of me, telling me that I've given myself enough time. It tells me that nobody else does it, like I do, so why should I feel I have the right to focus on myself..? Why should I deserve it..all this peace and joy and love? But I deliberately ignore that part of me, because I know it's all a lie. Everyone deserves it, but not everyone chooses to experience it or to be in the moment. So that's their decision, just like it's my decision to keep it going.
I have to live the way I feel is best and not according to what these stupid little thoughts in my head try to convince me of. I'm just not in the mood to even start deliberating with that part of my mind. Because it's ever so small. Therefore by ignoring it, I'm making it smaller, so I won't be letting it take over me. "Feeding it is making it grow". That goes for every part of the mind.. and feeding that part that I love so much, will also make it grow. I can keep on doing that until that small part is gone. And when it creeps back in, I'll hear it. As I'll still be aware and that way nothing will be unexpected or come out of the blue.. It sounds so simple and in a way it can be, or more to the fact; It will be, up until the point where I analyze it too much, which is right now. So I'm quitting while I'm ahead.
I've been noticing the past few days, that the only thing I'm still trying to find at the moment, is the right balance, whilst being around people constantly and having pretty full days (well, fuller than my days used to be anyhow). This is the first full week I've been away from home and have had busy days all at once and been able to cope properly. So finding the time to do my thing, by myself, isn't always easy. I can't say that it's getting too much for me, because it's not. Nothing is really too busy or too much, so far. But in order for it to stay that way, I need to still find the time that allows me to be aware of how I'm doing and how my head is processing everything and if my body is able to keep up. If I don't take even 15 minutes a day, then I'm scared that things will start to get too much and that I'll get muddled and clouded. It could happen so easily and I really don't want it to. Because everything is feeling so fine, and I don't want anything to ruin it.
Finding the balance, is a difficult thing to do. It isn't something that can happen with the flick of a switch. Especially if there's no real routine. I can really feel like I'm awakening, even though that's been happening for a couple of months now. This week is different from any other though. I can take everything on board, which is great. But at the same time I have to still remind myself that certain little things could set me off. Now and then I get the thoughts of me being too good and too well and too full of life and I start to wonder when it's going to stop and when things are going to go down hill again. If they will or won't, nobody can know. But I find myself either feeling like it's a temporary state of mind I find myself in right now, and that soon enough the real me will come out again. And in my head that "real me" is the "me" from months ago. But I felt alien back then, and I don't now.. So why would I be real, if I were to be feel alien? That makes no sense whatsoever. It's like the statement I made months ago..'"it's all too good to be true".. even though it IS true and it IS real.
Maybe I'm still adjusting to being able to live a big life and feel new at the same time. Maybe it feels strange because it's the first time in 9 months that I've been able to be here in Holland and interact in whatever way I want. Could that be it? Maybe I've changed in such a way that my "daily-doings" are different than what they were before. I suppose that could be true. I just want to do so much, maybe as much as I'd used to do whenever I've been in Holland for a week or so before leaving for a long trip. I'd usually be running around like blue-arse-fly, trying to do everything, and feeling the need to catch-up with everyone before heading off again for a certain amount of time. I'd never take a breather and never allow myself to simply do nothing. So this week I'm in the same position as I've been before; I'm here again and I'll be heading off again for a certain amount of time, so I'm wanting to go everywhere to see everyone I want. But I simply can't be like that anymore. Not if I want my head to still feel clear and calm. To fill my week as I usually would, would cause it to become frazzled and wrecked again, bringing along all other kinds of behaviour and thoughts that I'm really not in the mood for.
It's simply a waste of energy to force myself to deal with old stuff. It's far more relieving and refreshing to sit here and write about nothing in particular, just to find the balance that I want and need to have, in my life. Without it, I don't think I'd be doing so well. I don't think all the compliments I've been getting, would be appreciated like they are being right now. They'd cause all kinds of s*** and I'm not in the mood for that and hope I never will be again. Would you rather stick your energy into staying on top of things, by simply being and enjoying every state of mind that is being experienced, rather than running away with yourself and loosing focus and eventually need more strength to get back on top of things, after restriction could have harmed either your mental or physical strength.?? There is such a huge difference. If the first option is more enjoyable and more healthy and makes me happier, then why would I even consider going for the second option..?? The thing is, I'd never choose the second option but I'd be overcome by it.
I know that it will never be a bad thing if it does happen. I know that I'll learn from it, and learning is always a good thing. But at this stage it would be a shame. So taking a short time out everyday, in between enjoying myself, feeling happy, healthy and strong, isn't a price I have to pay, because it's not a chore. It's something that I want and need to do. Some people watch telly for hours on end. What does it matter if for one of those 24 hours in a day, I stop and reflect and be aware? If that's all it takes, then isn't my health and happiness a done deal?
Sometimes there's the smallest part of me, telling me that I've given myself enough time. It tells me that nobody else does it, like I do, so why should I feel I have the right to focus on myself..? Why should I deserve it..all this peace and joy and love? But I deliberately ignore that part of me, because I know it's all a lie. Everyone deserves it, but not everyone chooses to experience it or to be in the moment. So that's their decision, just like it's my decision to keep it going.
I have to live the way I feel is best and not according to what these stupid little thoughts in my head try to convince me of. I'm just not in the mood to even start deliberating with that part of my mind. Because it's ever so small. Therefore by ignoring it, I'm making it smaller, so I won't be letting it take over me. "Feeding it is making it grow". That goes for every part of the mind.. and feeding that part that I love so much, will also make it grow. I can keep on doing that until that small part is gone. And when it creeps back in, I'll hear it. As I'll still be aware and that way nothing will be unexpected or come out of the blue.. It sounds so simple and in a way it can be, or more to the fact; It will be, up until the point where I analyze it too much, which is right now. So I'm quitting while I'm ahead.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Youthful life
Today, it’s Enya’s little birthday. She turned 1 and yesterday I turned 26. I can’t believe what has happened since she was born. And I can’t believe that I’m so happy to be 26. If somebody would have told me years and years ago, that I’d be delighted to see 26, I wouldn’t have believed them. Because even today I sometimes can’t believe that I’m so fine with getting older.
Everybody has been reassuring me, that it’s only a number. Yes, I know, but nobody has to reassure me, because I really don’t mind at all. Why would I? Aren’t I the luckiest person in the world to just be alive, regardless of what age I am? Why would I worry about another year passing by? Shouldn’t I be grateful to be experiencing life? And shouldn’t I be even more grateful that I’m feeling more alive than I was a year ago, when I was trying to be so much younger than I really was? It isn't about having to feel a certain way, but it's just feeling it anyway.. Because this is exactly how I'm feeling.
Now I not trying to feel young, and I not forcing myself to live the lifestyle of a 21 year old. My feeling young, is a natural thing. My not having a settled and steady life at the moment, might be therefore compatable to the lifestyle of a 21 year old.. But it isn’t a problem because it’s all real. That’s what makes it okay..
Feeling young, doesn’t have to only be felt by people who are around the 20 year old mark. It’s a state of mind, that even a 60 or 70 year old can have. It can be just a sense of being alive inside, a sense of being able to handle anything, a sense of knowing yourself so well, a sense of being so aware of what life entails, a sense of knowing in what direction you’re going, or maybe not having a clue in what direction you’re going but knowing that it will all be well and good as the feeling of aliveness comes with that uncertainty. And that’s when the feeling of being young comes into being.
To be happy, to be young, to be free. These are all states of mind in which anybody can place themselves. It’s a state of mind in which I have placed myself. How? I don’t know, it’s just happened. Has it always been there? Maybe. But would I have been able to keep that state of mind alive, taking into account how I would run through life and plan every detail and always want more? No. The life was sucked out of me and that’s when I was felt older than any 60 year old and when the word “free” was a state I only longed for. To find yourself in a body that allows nothing to be done, but to still have so many years ahead and to still have a life to be lived, is also proof that age really does not make one bit of difference in this life.
I love the fact that with every year that passes, more experience is gained, new things are being learned, new people are being met and a persons life becomes richer and richer. And the with such wealth, comes the ability to be able to give more and more to others who are in need of anything. It could be the smallest gesture, like a pat on the back, to a world of calm inspiration. Nothing big, nothing small, but something that just ‘is’. Embracing each year that comes and being happy for the year that has just passed, no matter how hard things can be, is the only state of mind a person can have when wanting to feel young at heart. Youth is a feeling, and can be felt so strongly by those who have felt otherwise. To experience one feeling properly, it’s almost a neccesitiy to have felt the opposite. Without being able to compare, nobody can ever fully embrace that feeling. I once embraced the feeling of not being able to walk from the sofa to the kitchen without holding on. How? Just by living through it and being aware of what was happening. I now embrace the feeling of being able to cycle a bike, without needing to rest and lie down for hours.
People being so young, but not really knowing just how young they are, only realize it, when it’s gone and they can have it no longer. Because it’s lost at such a relatively slow pace, that it’s not being noticed. And when the youth was there, it’s was a normal state of being. However when it’s no longer there, it’s also normal. Because isn’t that just how life goes? Energy is zapped and life gets on top of us.. right? Not really. Not if you don’t want it to. Not if that energy has been taken away, right before your very own eyes. Not if it’s also being presented to you again and it’s there for the taking. And it’s again fully experienced. Then life doesn’t have to become a slump and we don’t have to settle for a weaker state of being, just because that’s what happens.
Things happen because they’re supposed to happen. To embrace it all, is to go with what is presented in the moment and never to fight it. Fighting it, brings on the ageing of body, mind and soul. If we only have one shot at this life, then why would we want to stop the flow of everything that occurs along the way, just because it’s not what we wanted or hoped for? Our path is already planned out, even before we set foot on it. So why not just go with the years that will make up our lifetime on this earth, following the destined road, seeing where it will lead, without making life more difficult than it sometimes can be. This just lessens the happiness we could be experiencing while we’re here.
I’m 26 and I’m here. I’m alive and kicking. I’m happy and I’m healthy. I'm grateful. Whatever happens this year, is okay. Whatever way things go and no matter what happens, it’s fine. Because it simply has to be. There’s no other way around it. I wouldn’t want there to be any other way either, because what would be the reason for it not to be fine? Really there never is a reason..only to feel that precious feeling of being young, no matter what a date of birth might say..
Everybody has been reassuring me, that it’s only a number. Yes, I know, but nobody has to reassure me, because I really don’t mind at all. Why would I? Aren’t I the luckiest person in the world to just be alive, regardless of what age I am? Why would I worry about another year passing by? Shouldn’t I be grateful to be experiencing life? And shouldn’t I be even more grateful that I’m feeling more alive than I was a year ago, when I was trying to be so much younger than I really was? It isn't about having to feel a certain way, but it's just feeling it anyway.. Because this is exactly how I'm feeling.
Now I not trying to feel young, and I not forcing myself to live the lifestyle of a 21 year old. My feeling young, is a natural thing. My not having a settled and steady life at the moment, might be therefore compatable to the lifestyle of a 21 year old.. But it isn’t a problem because it’s all real. That’s what makes it okay..
Feeling young, doesn’t have to only be felt by people who are around the 20 year old mark. It’s a state of mind, that even a 60 or 70 year old can have. It can be just a sense of being alive inside, a sense of being able to handle anything, a sense of knowing yourself so well, a sense of being so aware of what life entails, a sense of knowing in what direction you’re going, or maybe not having a clue in what direction you’re going but knowing that it will all be well and good as the feeling of aliveness comes with that uncertainty. And that’s when the feeling of being young comes into being.
To be happy, to be young, to be free. These are all states of mind in which anybody can place themselves. It’s a state of mind in which I have placed myself. How? I don’t know, it’s just happened. Has it always been there? Maybe. But would I have been able to keep that state of mind alive, taking into account how I would run through life and plan every detail and always want more? No. The life was sucked out of me and that’s when I was felt older than any 60 year old and when the word “free” was a state I only longed for. To find yourself in a body that allows nothing to be done, but to still have so many years ahead and to still have a life to be lived, is also proof that age really does not make one bit of difference in this life.
I love the fact that with every year that passes, more experience is gained, new things are being learned, new people are being met and a persons life becomes richer and richer. And the with such wealth, comes the ability to be able to give more and more to others who are in need of anything. It could be the smallest gesture, like a pat on the back, to a world of calm inspiration. Nothing big, nothing small, but something that just ‘is’. Embracing each year that comes and being happy for the year that has just passed, no matter how hard things can be, is the only state of mind a person can have when wanting to feel young at heart. Youth is a feeling, and can be felt so strongly by those who have felt otherwise. To experience one feeling properly, it’s almost a neccesitiy to have felt the opposite. Without being able to compare, nobody can ever fully embrace that feeling. I once embraced the feeling of not being able to walk from the sofa to the kitchen without holding on. How? Just by living through it and being aware of what was happening. I now embrace the feeling of being able to cycle a bike, without needing to rest and lie down for hours.
People being so young, but not really knowing just how young they are, only realize it, when it’s gone and they can have it no longer. Because it’s lost at such a relatively slow pace, that it’s not being noticed. And when the youth was there, it’s was a normal state of being. However when it’s no longer there, it’s also normal. Because isn’t that just how life goes? Energy is zapped and life gets on top of us.. right? Not really. Not if you don’t want it to. Not if that energy has been taken away, right before your very own eyes. Not if it’s also being presented to you again and it’s there for the taking. And it’s again fully experienced. Then life doesn’t have to become a slump and we don’t have to settle for a weaker state of being, just because that’s what happens.
Things happen because they’re supposed to happen. To embrace it all, is to go with what is presented in the moment and never to fight it. Fighting it, brings on the ageing of body, mind and soul. If we only have one shot at this life, then why would we want to stop the flow of everything that occurs along the way, just because it’s not what we wanted or hoped for? Our path is already planned out, even before we set foot on it. So why not just go with the years that will make up our lifetime on this earth, following the destined road, seeing where it will lead, without making life more difficult than it sometimes can be. This just lessens the happiness we could be experiencing while we’re here.
I’m 26 and I’m here. I’m alive and kicking. I’m happy and I’m healthy. I'm grateful. Whatever happens this year, is okay. Whatever way things go and no matter what happens, it’s fine. Because it simply has to be. There’s no other way around it. I wouldn’t want there to be any other way either, because what would be the reason for it not to be fine? Really there never is a reason..only to feel that precious feeling of being young, no matter what a date of birth might say..
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