Making mistakes shouldn't be wrong. We can only learn from them. It's not failing. Instead it shows courage. It's taking a chance. It's not about letting other people down but it's giving things a go and seeing how they plan out. It's not about being irrational but it's taking a risk, so we won't go through life regretting that we never did what, at one stage in our life, was presented to us. It's not about feeling worthless if we do good or bad but it's being uncertain which in turn feels liberating and exciting. When we are uncertain, we don't attach ourselves to the outcome and it makes us free to decide whatever we want. Taking a leap of faith, and seeing where you land, doesn't have to be labeled good or bad, or classed as being too much or too little.
Once we start labeling what we want to do or achieve as being either good or bad, right or wrong, that's when we start judging ourselves again. Labeling is judging. It's not letting what should be, just to be as it should. That's when we try to satisfy that extra voice inside our head, or the voice of the world we live in, that's telling us we're being a little bit on the unrealistic side, that we're off in lala-land and that we don't deserve to aim for the stars. And the worst thing about this voice is that we can never satisfy it. Nothing will ever be good enough.
I can recognize this voice so clearly which I suppose I can only use to my advantage. When I was traveling and doing as I wished, it wasn't enough; I needed to see more of the world. When I was starving myself, it wasn't enough; I needed death. When I was going to college and I passed by the skin of my teeth, it wasn't enough; I needed straight A's. That extra voice will never be pleased and it will continue to tell me that I'm not worthy to have a life of travel and that I'm silly for thinking I could ever have that. It's also telling me that other people will think I'm just going through a phase and I'll soon forget all about these dreams I have and it's telling me that others will think of me as a time-waster for needing to travel. This voice is telling me I have to think rationally. It's telling me that travel is all well and good but I'll need to achieve more, to feel worthy of life. It's judging my every move. Nothing I'll ever do, will keep it at ease. It brings on so much pressure and stress that all the great experiences, aren't fully appreciated and and all the opportunities that arise, are overlooked.
I'm starting to recognize this voice and it's a sabotaging voice. It's trying to steer me away from all the things I truly need and believe are out there. It's trying to convince I'm worthless and non-deserving. Diann suggested I give it a name. It's not Anna, because it's not got a lot to do with food. Anna is a small voice in that whole other person. Almost like a natural predator. Up until months ago, I would see this predator in other people. Their judgement would be enough for me to doubt myself and question what I believe I need. The voice inside of me, I'd hear or feel it through what the people around would say or think about me. I'm just seeing this now. I used to nearly resent and blame them for making me think I should do differently and should live like everybody else. But now I've learned that it's inside of me but I never realized it before. I chose to take on criticism and judgement from others, so blame and resentment don't really come into it.
Right now, the larger part of me, doesn't care what others think. The larger part of me, let's the people around me think what they want. They're opinions or remarks are their issues. Not mine. They would look at me and for some reason say this or that or think such and such a thing. But it's their own stuff and, without them even realizing, they're using my "irrational" thinking as a projection of their own loss or whatever things they have troubles dealing with or issues that they haven't resolved. And with my own mental strength, I know I'm immune to others opinions and remarks..be they good or bad. They don't have to influence me, only if I let them. And I've learned to see why it is they'd say or think such a thing. It's there stuff, not mine. So I can close it off and not let it steer me away from the things I want.
This is all about external factors, which I cannot control. But I can react in such a way that I won't be the victim of their issues. I won't take them on and let them weigh me down. I see now that external judgement and internal judgement can be approached in the same manner. This "natural predator" I have in my head that's making me feel guilty, unworthy, non-deserving and that's trying to mess with me, is my judge. But I can recognize it for what it is and not let it hold me back. I can name it and ignore it. I know exactly when it comes about and I also know that what it tells me, isn't true. It's not what I need to hear and it's certainly not the voice that I should be following. It can try it's hardest to keep me awake at night and it can try to convince me that I shouldn't be breaking away from Holland. But I know it's my judge and therefore I choose not to listen. Just like I choose not to listen to the world, which I can sometimes feel is also judging me. People can label me, I don't care. As long as I don't label myself as being good or bad, right or wrong. I just am what I am and therefore no judgement is required..
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My own worst judge - 1
On Monday with Diann, I was talking, as usual, about myself. Because that's all I seem to do. But I suppose if I didn't there'd be no point in going. So anyhow, it came to the subject of failing and of making mistakes. Something that is always there at the back of my mind. It's such a fear of mine. Even though I know there's no need for it and that it solves nothing. This might get a little repetitive..
Everything I've done, I've always had to be the best at. I've never wanted to admit not being good or not enjoying something I thought I would be either good at or enjoy. It's like I'd be a failure if I started something and it turned out that it wasn't for me. And that's always seemed like the worst feeling in the world. Not the fear of failing, but the actual failing itself. At the moment, it's the fear of failing and making the wrong decision, that's doing my head in. I feel like people will look at me differently and think of me to be worthless, if whatever I decide to do, doesn't turn out for the best. I remember when I started realizing that I had issue with food, thinking of how people would look at me and judge me. The embarrassment I'd feel and the let-down I'd be to everyone was so enormous that I had secretly decided to go through the rest of my life not eating as I should.
But it's all proven to me that nobody was judging me or turned against me or called me a failure for having had the problems I've had. It also proves that the judgement I feared from others, was really me fearing my own judgement. It's all in my head. I know a lot of people can relate to themselves being their own worst judge. However when it comes to others, I don't judge them, so why should I judge myself? If other people are worthy whether or not they fail or make mistakes, then why can't I have that same attitude towards myself?
I know what it feels like to judge others and I know what it feels like not to. And the best feeling I've gotten was when I wasn't judging anybody. Everyone is guilty of judging other people, and when I've done it, it causes such frustration, resentment and jealousy. Who wants to feel like this? Judging maybe a habit that's hard to break and that society has forced us to do, but really if we have a choice between either being judgemental or not, and we have felt the relief when we don't judge, then why would we choose to do so anyway? It doesn't make life any better, for ourselves or the people we come into contact with. What joy can we get from engaging in gossip or saying someone is worthy only when coming from a certain background or only when making certain decisions? Letting people live their lives, and make their own mistakes and believe in what they want to, is the best feeling in the world. And it only gets better and we do the same for ourselves.
Being my own worst judge and critic only makes me feel stressed, pressurized, worthless and alone. Because I know that nothing will ever be enough. Diann has said this over and over again. I'd be telling her of all the things I dream of and still want to do. And when I'm talking and really saying that what's in my heart and what I believe I can make happen, it's like there are no limits or boundaries as to what I can experience. And then suddenly there's this part of me telling me that I must be insane, or that something will stop me from living my dreams or that I must be the most greedy person on the planet to want so much. That voice has been coming up over the past weeks, and it's not Anna by the way.
I've started to relate this voice back to how I feel when I'm speaking from the heart and being true to myself and the question comes up as to what it is that's going to limit my enjoying, embracing, experiencing, learning and thriving.. What is it that holds me down and puts me back in my box and tells me to contain myself? The part of me that's judging. That's also the part of me that tells me to think rational and to stop kidding myself. It literally says: "Who do you think you are thinking you can do and be as you want?". And it's so easy to listen to it and to see that I'm living in some fantasy world, thinking that I can make miracles happen. It's just as easy to listen to that voice as it is to listen to other peoples judgement. The source of the judgement is different, but the message is the same: Stop fooling yourself..
...
Everything I've done, I've always had to be the best at. I've never wanted to admit not being good or not enjoying something I thought I would be either good at or enjoy. It's like I'd be a failure if I started something and it turned out that it wasn't for me. And that's always seemed like the worst feeling in the world. Not the fear of failing, but the actual failing itself. At the moment, it's the fear of failing and making the wrong decision, that's doing my head in. I feel like people will look at me differently and think of me to be worthless, if whatever I decide to do, doesn't turn out for the best. I remember when I started realizing that I had issue with food, thinking of how people would look at me and judge me. The embarrassment I'd feel and the let-down I'd be to everyone was so enormous that I had secretly decided to go through the rest of my life not eating as I should.
But it's all proven to me that nobody was judging me or turned against me or called me a failure for having had the problems I've had. It also proves that the judgement I feared from others, was really me fearing my own judgement. It's all in my head. I know a lot of people can relate to themselves being their own worst judge. However when it comes to others, I don't judge them, so why should I judge myself? If other people are worthy whether or not they fail or make mistakes, then why can't I have that same attitude towards myself?
I know what it feels like to judge others and I know what it feels like not to. And the best feeling I've gotten was when I wasn't judging anybody. Everyone is guilty of judging other people, and when I've done it, it causes such frustration, resentment and jealousy. Who wants to feel like this? Judging maybe a habit that's hard to break and that society has forced us to do, but really if we have a choice between either being judgemental or not, and we have felt the relief when we don't judge, then why would we choose to do so anyway? It doesn't make life any better, for ourselves or the people we come into contact with. What joy can we get from engaging in gossip or saying someone is worthy only when coming from a certain background or only when making certain decisions? Letting people live their lives, and make their own mistakes and believe in what they want to, is the best feeling in the world. And it only gets better and we do the same for ourselves.
Being my own worst judge and critic only makes me feel stressed, pressurized, worthless and alone. Because I know that nothing will ever be enough. Diann has said this over and over again. I'd be telling her of all the things I dream of and still want to do. And when I'm talking and really saying that what's in my heart and what I believe I can make happen, it's like there are no limits or boundaries as to what I can experience. And then suddenly there's this part of me telling me that I must be insane, or that something will stop me from living my dreams or that I must be the most greedy person on the planet to want so much. That voice has been coming up over the past weeks, and it's not Anna by the way.
I've started to relate this voice back to how I feel when I'm speaking from the heart and being true to myself and the question comes up as to what it is that's going to limit my enjoying, embracing, experiencing, learning and thriving.. What is it that holds me down and puts me back in my box and tells me to contain myself? The part of me that's judging. That's also the part of me that tells me to think rational and to stop kidding myself. It literally says: "Who do you think you are thinking you can do and be as you want?". And it's so easy to listen to it and to see that I'm living in some fantasy world, thinking that I can make miracles happen. It's just as easy to listen to that voice as it is to listen to other peoples judgement. The source of the judgement is different, but the message is the same: Stop fooling yourself..
...
A walk down the road
This morning I went for a walk again. And I've discovered this place just up the road. I was walking around the other housing estate and came to end and then there was this road leading up to what I thought was only a factory. I followed it anyhow, and there was a view of the sea! I couldn't believe it. I thought we were miles away from it. The road itself stopped at a field as it was dead-end. I couldn't get to the sea though, but I could see it. And it was so nice. I sat on a wall for a while, taking in everything. The sun was out and it was even warm; there was me thinking it was going to be freezing wearing my hat and scarf afraid that the cold was going to stop me in my tracks. But it didn't. I felt a million miles away from home, even though it was only 15 minutes down the road. There was one cow mooing in the background and it sounded like he was in agony.. poor thing.
Anyhow, sitting on the wall, I was reminded of so many different and great times that I've had. The mountains with the blue sky reminded me of Austria (but without the snow). The green fields reminded me of New Zealand. The blue skies and the birds chirping reminded me of Greece. The brown and sandy colours reminded me of Oz. The gates that led to field where the cow was mooing reminded me of when I was tourguiding. And funny thing, nothing reminded me of Holland, only the walk to the sea reminded me of the time my friends came over 3 years ago to visit me. All these memories were so great and I know I'll be making them again. It gave me such a buzz and then there was just little pang of guilt that I was getting. And it was about work. I felt that if I'm able to walk and not feel like lying down straight afterwards, I should be back in Holland working. What a shame for that to come up.
It makes me think rationally.. Would I seriously be able to work right now? I don't know. I don't think so. Lots of people think that it's just because of my energy that I'm not able to work yet. And now that my energy is coming back, then surely Niamh should be working, right? Wrong. It's not just the energy. It's this feeling I get in my head, whenever there's too much stress. A feeling that I can't really put into words, but it's a feeling of everything being too much, sounds, people, fresh air.. or thinking about the simplest little thing. I know nobody can understand, because I can't even put it into words myself and I don't expect anybody to be able to relate to it. My mates have been saying that, at the weekend, when we go over to Holland, if I have the energy that we can meet up. But that's not the only thing it's about. It's my head that can be the problem as well. They think that just by putting me on chair, when I'm tired, then I'll be fine. But it's not only that.
As I was walking along this morning I had to force myself to rationalize these thoughts and feelings of being able to work, come up. I have to. If I were to be back in Holland and still recovering, would I be back at work right now? No, I wouldn't. Just because I've been getting my strength back doesn't mean to say that I'm ready for everything yet. A few good weeks is what I've really needed to give me this boost. But who's to say what will happen in weeks from now? Who's to say that if I were to start working, that I'd not suffer a relapse and undo all this goodness that I've been feeling?
Nobody can know. If I can't know, then there's nobody else who can. But am I willing to risk it? Am I willing to listen to what everybody else is saying and get back to work, just because I'll feel guilty if I don't? No. I have to let it go again, because it will just bring me down or hold me back. Tomorrow me and Ma are off to Holland for the weekend, until Monday. I'm looking forward to it more than the last time. But there's just that little part of me telling me that I'm able to work, if I go over and it turns out to be a success. Even though I'm pretty sure I'll be handing in my notice next week, there's a small part of me that's telling me not to. People have said that I have a right to still be paid sick-leave. Diann said that I even deserve it. So maybe I should hang on just one more month. But if it's going to make me feel so guilty, everyday for the next month, then is it really worth it? Is it just a part of me telling me I shouldn't "push me luck"? Is it just me feeling I don't deserve to be paid sick-leave, whilst I building back up my strength?
Will all this guilt, subconsciously make this weekend go all wrong? Because I'll be thinking that everyone else thinks I'm better? Will that make me hold back and not enjoy myself, just to prove that I'm not back to my full health yet? I hope not. Because I want it to go well. I can't dwell on what others might or might not think. I can't think about work. I can't stop myself from enjoying a weekend, just in case others think I'm lying. O god, I knew this was going to happen. I knew that the stronger I get the more guilt I'm going to feel, towards work. Especially now that I'm thinking of waiting one more month before telling them I'm not coming back. Is that me being deceitful? Am I being greedy? I don't know, really I don't..
I've been looking forward to going over. The only thing I'm dreading is the guilt of doing well. And I'm dreading the move too. I know, by writing this right now, that I'm "feeding" the guilt and I'm making it all worse than it is. And I shouldn't be doing this. I can't afford to. There's a story I've been reading the past few days, and Diann told me to relate it back to all these thoughts and thus back to me. So that's what I've been doing, to stop this guilt from messing with my head and from making me feel down again. The thoughts can come up so easily. Just like they are right now. So I'm gonna focus on other things for a while. The walk was so nice, and it didn't have to have this effect on me, really it didn't..
Yeah, now I'm not too concerned about this weekend. I can't wait to see everyone again. I'm not worried about food either. I don't even know if I'll be bringing my supplements with me. Friday I'm moving my stuff from Breda. The thing that's worrying me the most is the feeling in my head. Not the physical side of it. Just what it might bring up, inside. But I'm sure I'll be able to get through it. I can't dwell on it, and I need to let go of that part of my life. It has to become a closed chapter that will only lead to other chapters closing and new ones opening. It's not a mistake. It's what I need.
Other than that, I have all my tools, inside of me, to get through if it all gets too much. I know what to do when the going gets tough. I'll be "testing the water". And I'm looking forward to flying again.. I love planes and I love the take-off. It's always used to excite me so much and it's been a while since I've sat on a plane and enjoyed the ride (even if it is going to be a rocky Ryan Air flight). Saturday is little Aidens birthday party. It's going to be busy, so I'll just take it as it comes. I'll have my "party-food-plan" and my books and I'll have "me". I'll be fine. It will be good to get away from Arklow for a few days too. So that's what I need to focus on right now. Not on guilt and not on work either. Just on me.
Anyhow, sitting on the wall, I was reminded of so many different and great times that I've had. The mountains with the blue sky reminded me of Austria (but without the snow). The green fields reminded me of New Zealand. The blue skies and the birds chirping reminded me of Greece. The brown and sandy colours reminded me of Oz. The gates that led to field where the cow was mooing reminded me of when I was tourguiding. And funny thing, nothing reminded me of Holland, only the walk to the sea reminded me of the time my friends came over 3 years ago to visit me. All these memories were so great and I know I'll be making them again. It gave me such a buzz and then there was just little pang of guilt that I was getting. And it was about work. I felt that if I'm able to walk and not feel like lying down straight afterwards, I should be back in Holland working. What a shame for that to come up.
It makes me think rationally.. Would I seriously be able to work right now? I don't know. I don't think so. Lots of people think that it's just because of my energy that I'm not able to work yet. And now that my energy is coming back, then surely Niamh should be working, right? Wrong. It's not just the energy. It's this feeling I get in my head, whenever there's too much stress. A feeling that I can't really put into words, but it's a feeling of everything being too much, sounds, people, fresh air.. or thinking about the simplest little thing. I know nobody can understand, because I can't even put it into words myself and I don't expect anybody to be able to relate to it. My mates have been saying that, at the weekend, when we go over to Holland, if I have the energy that we can meet up. But that's not the only thing it's about. It's my head that can be the problem as well. They think that just by putting me on chair, when I'm tired, then I'll be fine. But it's not only that.
As I was walking along this morning I had to force myself to rationalize these thoughts and feelings of being able to work, come up. I have to. If I were to be back in Holland and still recovering, would I be back at work right now? No, I wouldn't. Just because I've been getting my strength back doesn't mean to say that I'm ready for everything yet. A few good weeks is what I've really needed to give me this boost. But who's to say what will happen in weeks from now? Who's to say that if I were to start working, that I'd not suffer a relapse and undo all this goodness that I've been feeling?
Nobody can know. If I can't know, then there's nobody else who can. But am I willing to risk it? Am I willing to listen to what everybody else is saying and get back to work, just because I'll feel guilty if I don't? No. I have to let it go again, because it will just bring me down or hold me back. Tomorrow me and Ma are off to Holland for the weekend, until Monday. I'm looking forward to it more than the last time. But there's just that little part of me telling me that I'm able to work, if I go over and it turns out to be a success. Even though I'm pretty sure I'll be handing in my notice next week, there's a small part of me that's telling me not to. People have said that I have a right to still be paid sick-leave. Diann said that I even deserve it. So maybe I should hang on just one more month. But if it's going to make me feel so guilty, everyday for the next month, then is it really worth it? Is it just a part of me telling me I shouldn't "push me luck"? Is it just me feeling I don't deserve to be paid sick-leave, whilst I building back up my strength?
Will all this guilt, subconsciously make this weekend go all wrong? Because I'll be thinking that everyone else thinks I'm better? Will that make me hold back and not enjoy myself, just to prove that I'm not back to my full health yet? I hope not. Because I want it to go well. I can't dwell on what others might or might not think. I can't think about work. I can't stop myself from enjoying a weekend, just in case others think I'm lying. O god, I knew this was going to happen. I knew that the stronger I get the more guilt I'm going to feel, towards work. Especially now that I'm thinking of waiting one more month before telling them I'm not coming back. Is that me being deceitful? Am I being greedy? I don't know, really I don't..
I've been looking forward to going over. The only thing I'm dreading is the guilt of doing well. And I'm dreading the move too. I know, by writing this right now, that I'm "feeding" the guilt and I'm making it all worse than it is. And I shouldn't be doing this. I can't afford to. There's a story I've been reading the past few days, and Diann told me to relate it back to all these thoughts and thus back to me. So that's what I've been doing, to stop this guilt from messing with my head and from making me feel down again. The thoughts can come up so easily. Just like they are right now. So I'm gonna focus on other things for a while. The walk was so nice, and it didn't have to have this effect on me, really it didn't..
Yeah, now I'm not too concerned about this weekend. I can't wait to see everyone again. I'm not worried about food either. I don't even know if I'll be bringing my supplements with me. Friday I'm moving my stuff from Breda. The thing that's worrying me the most is the feeling in my head. Not the physical side of it. Just what it might bring up, inside. But I'm sure I'll be able to get through it. I can't dwell on it, and I need to let go of that part of my life. It has to become a closed chapter that will only lead to other chapters closing and new ones opening. It's not a mistake. It's what I need.
Other than that, I have all my tools, inside of me, to get through if it all gets too much. I know what to do when the going gets tough. I'll be "testing the water". And I'm looking forward to flying again.. I love planes and I love the take-off. It's always used to excite me so much and it's been a while since I've sat on a plane and enjoyed the ride (even if it is going to be a rocky Ryan Air flight). Saturday is little Aidens birthday party. It's going to be busy, so I'll just take it as it comes. I'll have my "party-food-plan" and my books and I'll have "me". I'll be fine. It will be good to get away from Arklow for a few days too. So that's what I need to focus on right now. Not on guilt and not on work either. Just on me.
Yoga & Acupuncture
It's Wednesday morning and I can't remember that last time I've had such filled days whilst being here in Arklow. It's been kind of manic in a way, but not really. I've been doing alot but not overdoing it at the same time.
Monday night I had my first yoga class. I signed up for it last week. I've wanted to start it again, for months now, but every time I was tempted, it was too much too soon. Just like the walking, I'd have been doing it for the wrong reasons and I wouldn't have had the energy to get through a whole class. But last week, I thought that I had to give it a go. If I don't try then I'll never know.
It's in Arklow on a Monday evening, for an hour and a quarter. The yoga teacher is nice, but I think she was feeling uncomfortable, once I'd filled out the medical form saying that I'm recovering from an eating disorder. I didn't know what was best to fill in. But I had to be honest, because I had to sign it too. I don't know how official it was, but anyhow. I put it down and she didn't really speak to me that much after that or she didn't look at me either.. But that's her problem. Not mine. I was there to do yoga, and not to make her feel better or worse.
I was of course wary if I'd have the energy to get through a class. But not only that, just being amongst strangers and chatting to them and doing something by myself, without my head feeling fuzzy or without me automatically zoning-out, which is what usually would happen whenever I'd attempt doing anything outside the house, with or without anybody by my side, "holding my hand" and with whom I feel safe. So that in itself made it more of a challenge, without taking the yoga and my physical condition into consideration.
It was really good though. I didn't feel paranoid, even if the teacher did. I didn't feel uncomfortable. I didn't feel exhausted. I didn't feel like hanging my head in shame. Nothing like that. If anything, it felt like the most normal thing in the world for me to be doing at that moment. It took no effort whatsoever and I wasn't tired either. The centering, the warming up, the flexing and stretching, the poses and the cooling down, was all really familiar to me. I used to do it out of book for a year or so. I didn't need any assistance. It all came naturally and I even had visions of me giving the class instead of her.. thinking I'd do a better job..haha..
So that was Monday, after going to Diann in the morning, walking along the key in Wexford, writing all afternoon and then yoga and still waking up yesterday morning at the crack of dawn. Yesterday I went for a walk too and then to acupuncture. It was really nice, except the fact that he left on the table for a long while, and Ma waiting for me out in the car, and I could actually feel her stressing out, because I was so late and her schedule was being thrown "off-course". Not to worry Ma ;)
That did put me off a little. But there was nothing I could do.. I was pinned to the table, buzzing like a mad-one with my arms and legs feeling numb and my head being heavy.. So I had to just lie there and try to forget about the time, because otherwise it tends to defeat the whole purpose of the treatment. Every needle that was stuck in to me, lifted me off the table nearly today. My "chi" (or energy, flow, vibe or whatever name you can give it) is really coming along, or so Mr. Acupuncturist said: "You're getting stronger baby".. Don't you "baby" me!! A no, that wans't my response of course, I just felt excited that I'm responding to the needles so well even though the buzzing can feel like little electric shocks.. A sign that I'm alive..
Monday night I had my first yoga class. I signed up for it last week. I've wanted to start it again, for months now, but every time I was tempted, it was too much too soon. Just like the walking, I'd have been doing it for the wrong reasons and I wouldn't have had the energy to get through a whole class. But last week, I thought that I had to give it a go. If I don't try then I'll never know.
It's in Arklow on a Monday evening, for an hour and a quarter. The yoga teacher is nice, but I think she was feeling uncomfortable, once I'd filled out the medical form saying that I'm recovering from an eating disorder. I didn't know what was best to fill in. But I had to be honest, because I had to sign it too. I don't know how official it was, but anyhow. I put it down and she didn't really speak to me that much after that or she didn't look at me either.. But that's her problem. Not mine. I was there to do yoga, and not to make her feel better or worse.
I was of course wary if I'd have the energy to get through a class. But not only that, just being amongst strangers and chatting to them and doing something by myself, without my head feeling fuzzy or without me automatically zoning-out, which is what usually would happen whenever I'd attempt doing anything outside the house, with or without anybody by my side, "holding my hand" and with whom I feel safe. So that in itself made it more of a challenge, without taking the yoga and my physical condition into consideration.
It was really good though. I didn't feel paranoid, even if the teacher did. I didn't feel uncomfortable. I didn't feel exhausted. I didn't feel like hanging my head in shame. Nothing like that. If anything, it felt like the most normal thing in the world for me to be doing at that moment. It took no effort whatsoever and I wasn't tired either. The centering, the warming up, the flexing and stretching, the poses and the cooling down, was all really familiar to me. I used to do it out of book for a year or so. I didn't need any assistance. It all came naturally and I even had visions of me giving the class instead of her.. thinking I'd do a better job..haha..
So that was Monday, after going to Diann in the morning, walking along the key in Wexford, writing all afternoon and then yoga and still waking up yesterday morning at the crack of dawn. Yesterday I went for a walk too and then to acupuncture. It was really nice, except the fact that he left on the table for a long while, and Ma waiting for me out in the car, and I could actually feel her stressing out, because I was so late and her schedule was being thrown "off-course". Not to worry Ma ;)
That did put me off a little. But there was nothing I could do.. I was pinned to the table, buzzing like a mad-one with my arms and legs feeling numb and my head being heavy.. So I had to just lie there and try to forget about the time, because otherwise it tends to defeat the whole purpose of the treatment. Every needle that was stuck in to me, lifted me off the table nearly today. My "chi" (or energy, flow, vibe or whatever name you can give it) is really coming along, or so Mr. Acupuncturist said: "You're getting stronger baby".. Don't you "baby" me!! A no, that wans't my response of course, I just felt excited that I'm responding to the needles so well even though the buzzing can feel like little electric shocks.. A sign that I'm alive..
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The change in me - 2
So, back to the "change" (I feel like I'm talking about the menopause). Last night and this morning I was thinking about me maybe not being able to have fun anymore. But it's all I want. At the moment it's all brewing under the surface. I know it's in there. So I can rely on myself that I'll be and experience fun again. As well, I'll have changed but for the better. But having fun in life, is something I've missed more than anyone could ever imagine. Relating this to what I was just saying about travel and me changing. I was worried during the week about being happy and traveling again. I never wanted to be someone who is only able to embrace life properly, by traveling. I always thought I'd be able to be in my element and feel full of life, without travel. But the past weeks have showed me that I'm simply not able. I could put on brave face and go about life and try to be like everyone else and have a steady job with a steady income and be sensible and responsible (like I tried when I came back from Oz). If I would choose to start building a life like that again, at this very moment, I'd be down in the dumps.
I was feeling so down and depressed weeks ago, because I didn't think it was possible to go traveling again, not anytime soon anyhow. But once I decided to break away from Holland, I knew I wouldn't settle for living a life that's expected of me. Because that's just not what I want and it doesn't give me a boost, it doesn't excite me, it doesn't give me happy glow inside. It's not for me. So realizing this, made also see that, without having experienced these passed months, I wouldn't be able to live the life that I need.. which is travel with no end. So putting the "change" into perspective..This morning I realized, even though I've said it before and Diann has said it too, the change in me was needed to be made so I can feel full and filled. (You can take that literally if you like.. but it's just a figure of speech.)
At the moment I still feel uncomfortable and awkward with most realizations and the clarity I'm seeing and with some feelings that come up. Just like all the other stages I suppose. I said it weeks ago and I'll say it again, until it doesn't feel awkward anymore. At the moment it's like I'm giving every ounce of me, to get through the last few steps. And of course it will get easier as well as still not feeling quite right. But, it's alright for now. I need to come to terms with what I've found, with what I've discovered and with how I'm feeling. That will take time, of course but things seem to be going faster and faster, so I might not need that long.. Considering yesterday the "change in me" freaked me out, but 24 hours later I'm happy with it.... And about time, some of you may say..
O yeah, and another thing that popped into my head this morning. It actually came natural to me. I didn't have to convince or coax myself, like I've had to do over the past months. But the voice in my head just told me, as a matter of fact, this morning that anorexia isn't really about weight at all. I saw this morning that I was never overweight and I never really aimed to loose kilos and kilos. It just happened. Diann has told me this a lot of times. And I've taken it on board each time. But hearing something and understanding it, or understanding, seeing and feeling it for yourself, is a whole different kettle of fish. Often when I'd be in a reflective mood or analyzing things, I'd need to tell myself that it isn't about the weight. For ages I was trying to figure out what it was all about and I've known for quite a while now but it really clicked this morning, like a switch.
I know nobody will totally understand that not wanting to eat or just having anorexia, isn't really trying to loose weight. It's so much more than that. Someone can hear it all and say they understand. That's what I've been doing for months. But to actually be aware of it and see it with my own eyes and feel it too within, is experiencing this recovery process from totally different level. Someone who hasn't been through it themselves, probably won't get the extent of such a revelation. They won't get that it's so different understanding it compared to actually feeling it and understanding it at the same time. It's hard to describe. I've known for months what it's all about, but it felt different this morning. I never needed to loose weight and I will never be overweight either. I'm not a shallow person and I really never was obsessed with staying skinny. It's what people will think and that's okay. As long as I know what it's about and continue to see it as clear as I do right now.
I was feeling so down and depressed weeks ago, because I didn't think it was possible to go traveling again, not anytime soon anyhow. But once I decided to break away from Holland, I knew I wouldn't settle for living a life that's expected of me. Because that's just not what I want and it doesn't give me a boost, it doesn't excite me, it doesn't give me happy glow inside. It's not for me. So realizing this, made also see that, without having experienced these passed months, I wouldn't be able to live the life that I need.. which is travel with no end. So putting the "change" into perspective..This morning I realized, even though I've said it before and Diann has said it too, the change in me was needed to be made so I can feel full and filled. (You can take that literally if you like.. but it's just a figure of speech.)
At the moment I still feel uncomfortable and awkward with most realizations and the clarity I'm seeing and with some feelings that come up. Just like all the other stages I suppose. I said it weeks ago and I'll say it again, until it doesn't feel awkward anymore. At the moment it's like I'm giving every ounce of me, to get through the last few steps. And of course it will get easier as well as still not feeling quite right. But, it's alright for now. I need to come to terms with what I've found, with what I've discovered and with how I'm feeling. That will take time, of course but things seem to be going faster and faster, so I might not need that long.. Considering yesterday the "change in me" freaked me out, but 24 hours later I'm happy with it.... And about time, some of you may say..
O yeah, and another thing that popped into my head this morning. It actually came natural to me. I didn't have to convince or coax myself, like I've had to do over the past months. But the voice in my head just told me, as a matter of fact, this morning that anorexia isn't really about weight at all. I saw this morning that I was never overweight and I never really aimed to loose kilos and kilos. It just happened. Diann has told me this a lot of times. And I've taken it on board each time. But hearing something and understanding it, or understanding, seeing and feeling it for yourself, is a whole different kettle of fish. Often when I'd be in a reflective mood or analyzing things, I'd need to tell myself that it isn't about the weight. For ages I was trying to figure out what it was all about and I've known for quite a while now but it really clicked this morning, like a switch.
I know nobody will totally understand that not wanting to eat or just having anorexia, isn't really trying to loose weight. It's so much more than that. Someone can hear it all and say they understand. That's what I've been doing for months. But to actually be aware of it and see it with my own eyes and feel it too within, is experiencing this recovery process from totally different level. Someone who hasn't been through it themselves, probably won't get the extent of such a revelation. They won't get that it's so different understanding it compared to actually feeling it and understanding it at the same time. It's hard to describe. I've known for months what it's all about, but it felt different this morning. I never needed to loose weight and I will never be overweight either. I'm not a shallow person and I really never was obsessed with staying skinny. It's what people will think and that's okay. As long as I know what it's about and continue to see it as clear as I do right now.
The change in me - 1
I'm just going over the subject I started talking about yesterday.. "The change in me". It might be slightly repetitive.
This morning I was awake at half 5. Tossing and turning. I got up at 6, came downstairs and was reading for a couple of hours. It's been a while since I've been awake so early and not been able to sleep. What I had been writing about yesterday afternoon, was playing on my mind...the fact that I'm changing so much. When I went to bed last night, I couldn't shake the feeling of not wanting for this to have happened..the change I mean, not the eating disorder because I'm fine with that having happened. It's not a problem. I'm not talking about a physical change. It's got nothing to do with that kind of change. It's so much more. It didn't make me angry, but just sad really. It was like I suddenly have to say goodbye to the old me.
This morning it was on my mind but it wasn't weighing me down. I was just trying to put it into perspective. Because, when I think about, what is really the big difference? And what really is the big deal? And I suddenly started remembering months ago, talking to Diann about this whole change and how excited I was about what was going to come of me and how scared at the same time. She told me over and over again that worrying wouldn't help in solving the issues. So for months I let that go and I didn't think about how I was going to come out of this stage of my life. Nobody was to know how and when I'd come out of this or how I'd look at life or what I'd have learned. I let it happen and did what felt right, 95% of the time. And it's only now that I'm starting to regain energy and strength, both physically and mentally, that I'm having to face the world and see how differently I stand in it.. If that makes sense..
The thing about it all, is that I'm now slightly freaked, or yesterday I was, by the thoughts of losing my drive, determination, bubbliness and spontaneity. Sometimes I would think that it's gone and other times I know it's not. Over the years, the thing that I think always gave me these things, as well as energy and adrenaline, was either being away from home traveling (wherever home may be) or the thoughts that I was going to be leaving. It always kept me going. And, right at this moment, I know that I'm going to be leaving again, so it's giving me that energy, drive and passion I've always had. Determination is something I need now more than ever, to get back on my feet properly again. So this shows that I haven't lost the things that I've always had. But on the other hand, it's difficult to say already, because I'm not fully recovered yet.
How do I know I'm not fully recovered yet? Because I'm still quiet. And there's enough I'm dealing with in my head that I still withdraw myself. That's because it's what I need at that moment. I still need regular quiet hours because I'm working so hard on getting through this. I could choose to get a part time job, which I might be able for, but it would distract my thoughts and maybe take me longer to work through everything, because I'd be taking on daily-stress as well as still feeling the stress that getting through this process, brings along. A person can only deal with a certain amount of stress. Mentally a person will then prioritize. Whatever it is that's occupying you at that moment, is what your head will be dealing with. Any other underlying issues will be put off. And that's not what I'm even going to contemplate on doing. Not if it's just to "test the water" and see how I'll function from day-to-day. Because my priority is getting through this and focusing only on me (no matter how selfish that might sound).
This morning I was awake at half 5. Tossing and turning. I got up at 6, came downstairs and was reading for a couple of hours. It's been a while since I've been awake so early and not been able to sleep. What I had been writing about yesterday afternoon, was playing on my mind...the fact that I'm changing so much. When I went to bed last night, I couldn't shake the feeling of not wanting for this to have happened..the change I mean, not the eating disorder because I'm fine with that having happened. It's not a problem. I'm not talking about a physical change. It's got nothing to do with that kind of change. It's so much more. It didn't make me angry, but just sad really. It was like I suddenly have to say goodbye to the old me.
This morning it was on my mind but it wasn't weighing me down. I was just trying to put it into perspective. Because, when I think about, what is really the big difference? And what really is the big deal? And I suddenly started remembering months ago, talking to Diann about this whole change and how excited I was about what was going to come of me and how scared at the same time. She told me over and over again that worrying wouldn't help in solving the issues. So for months I let that go and I didn't think about how I was going to come out of this stage of my life. Nobody was to know how and when I'd come out of this or how I'd look at life or what I'd have learned. I let it happen and did what felt right, 95% of the time. And it's only now that I'm starting to regain energy and strength, both physically and mentally, that I'm having to face the world and see how differently I stand in it.. If that makes sense..
The thing about it all, is that I'm now slightly freaked, or yesterday I was, by the thoughts of losing my drive, determination, bubbliness and spontaneity. Sometimes I would think that it's gone and other times I know it's not. Over the years, the thing that I think always gave me these things, as well as energy and adrenaline, was either being away from home traveling (wherever home may be) or the thoughts that I was going to be leaving. It always kept me going. And, right at this moment, I know that I'm going to be leaving again, so it's giving me that energy, drive and passion I've always had. Determination is something I need now more than ever, to get back on my feet properly again. So this shows that I haven't lost the things that I've always had. But on the other hand, it's difficult to say already, because I'm not fully recovered yet.
How do I know I'm not fully recovered yet? Because I'm still quiet. And there's enough I'm dealing with in my head that I still withdraw myself. That's because it's what I need at that moment. I still need regular quiet hours because I'm working so hard on getting through this. I could choose to get a part time job, which I might be able for, but it would distract my thoughts and maybe take me longer to work through everything, because I'd be taking on daily-stress as well as still feeling the stress that getting through this process, brings along. A person can only deal with a certain amount of stress. Mentally a person will then prioritize. Whatever it is that's occupying you at that moment, is what your head will be dealing with. Any other underlying issues will be put off. And that's not what I'm even going to contemplate on doing. Not if it's just to "test the water" and see how I'll function from day-to-day. Because my priority is getting through this and focusing only on me (no matter how selfish that might sound).
Monday, January 26, 2009
Accepting the pain
The end of suffering is the acceptance of pain
The admittance of the pain is then no longer a strain
The suffering is an entity linked to a space in time
Therefore the pain can indicate that life is very fine
The beginning and the end of being a victim to endure
Is stopping the flow of the pain that is true and pure
To own the pain and to see that to suffer isn't to embrace
But it only causes an extra load of grief to fill that space
A space that can be seen as sacred and unique
That should only be used to experience that peak
Because to suffer is a state of mind and it's not our being
And can lead us away from all that is worth seeing
To feel the pain and admit it can feel bad and hurt
It's like getting to the root of it all by rolling in the dirt
As well it can liberate just to own it without holding back
You'll see that suffering isn't beneficial and makes a day feel black
Because the pain is still there and needs to be set free
So be a daredevil and take the plunge as strength is the key
With this you will unlock the door to all that lies beneath
And failing isn't an issue as there's nobody to defeat
It's only you and your mind and your perception of it all
Now try to let go of the story you linked to that certain fall
Without this story the pain is just here and just now
You suffer no more and there's no end so do not bow
Pain for one moment or suffering with no end?
An easy choice to make that will repair and then mend
A shot of adrenaline and energy triggered by your despair
All by accepting and not by saying that life is unfair
Nothing will make it disappear as it's there and that's a fact
But make it a little easier and your being will remain in tact
So nobody should suffer but just be sad as it may
As dealing with pain shows that we live and breathe each day
The admittance of the pain is then no longer a strain
The suffering is an entity linked to a space in time
Therefore the pain can indicate that life is very fine
The beginning and the end of being a victim to endure
Is stopping the flow of the pain that is true and pure
To own the pain and to see that to suffer isn't to embrace
But it only causes an extra load of grief to fill that space
A space that can be seen as sacred and unique
That should only be used to experience that peak
Because to suffer is a state of mind and it's not our being
And can lead us away from all that is worth seeing
To feel the pain and admit it can feel bad and hurt
It's like getting to the root of it all by rolling in the dirt
As well it can liberate just to own it without holding back
You'll see that suffering isn't beneficial and makes a day feel black
Because the pain is still there and needs to be set free
So be a daredevil and take the plunge as strength is the key
With this you will unlock the door to all that lies beneath
And failing isn't an issue as there's nobody to defeat
It's only you and your mind and your perception of it all
Now try to let go of the story you linked to that certain fall
Without this story the pain is just here and just now
You suffer no more and there's no end so do not bow
Pain for one moment or suffering with no end?
An easy choice to make that will repair and then mend
A shot of adrenaline and energy triggered by your despair
All by accepting and not by saying that life is unfair
Nothing will make it disappear as it's there and that's a fact
But make it a little easier and your being will remain in tact
So nobody should suffer but just be sad as it may
As dealing with pain shows that we live and breathe each day
Diann on Monday 3
Today there was just a small little something Ma said that I can't get out of my head. And that's that "I'm a totally different person than I used to be". Ma said that she can see I've changed so much. It didn't make me happy. I just suddenly had visions of me not being energetic anymore and being old and not living life to the full the way I used to. I felt like it had all been taken away from me. I had visions of how on top of life I always felt and how much adrenaline I would get from just being alive or just thinking ahead of what the future could possibly hold. And now, I felt like I could have changed so much, that nobody will know me anymore. Nobody will approach me the way they used to.
All the friends I have, if and when they see me again, will think I'll be a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. But I never wanted to change. I never wanted to slow down. I never wanted any of this.. Even though Diann said today that these months needed to happen for me to able to travel the world with sustained energy and giving me the opportunity to embrace each experience fully, instead of rushing around needing to fill the day with as much partying, sightseeing, working and happiness as possible. Because I know I did need to change me way of going through life. But sometimes it kind of freaks me out thinking that I've lost the thing that people liked the most about me.. which was my energy and drive. Or maybe that's just what I've led my self to believe. Maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe there are other things about me that people liked. But I still have my energy and my drive, just different. I'm might not be racy anymore or restless or go-go-go.. But that doesn't mean I'm lazy or that my passion for life has gone. Because it's still there and I felt it last week more so than ever and on some other occasions too.
I know that people change and that experiences change people. And changes need to be made, to live life. It's the way it goes. I just think that it's the rate or the pace at which I've changed that has caught me off guard a little. Most people change gradually. Over time, they can either slow down or speed up, close themselves off from the world or open up and let the world in. It all depends on the person I suppose. But it's almost like I've been in hibernation or in hiding for months and months. And before going into hiding I was one person, and now I'm "coming out" of hiding months later, a whole new approach to life is being experienced. Ma said the I've changed so much. And it's only freaking out the part of me, that judges me, that expects me to do certain things, the part of me that doesn't want me to sit down, the part of me telling me I shouldn't eat, the part of me that says I'm not worthy of anything. That's the part that's being freaked out by this change.
The otherside of me, isn't annoyed that I got this chance to change, without asking for it. It isn't dwelling on it and it knows that I needed this to live my life and travel the world. If I hadn't gone through this journey, I would never have slowed down. I would still be racing around, running through life only getting short and brief experiences without fully appreciating it and therefore not fully embracing them. I look back over the past 4 years and I remember how I'd always feel whenever I'd look at how my life was going to plan out. And it would exhaust me, just thinking about it. I would have visions of me running riot, forever, never taking a time-out and never calming down. I would never have slowed down, without it being a case of life or death. That's how far it got, but I needed it.
Back then I was still wanting to travel, as much as possible in as little time as possible. As the song goes: "No time to waste, I gotta move with haste"..that applied to me. I seemed to want everything in life. But nobody can have it all. So it's best to focus on making the one thing you want the most to happen, happen. And that's travel. That's all I want. I knew that then, but I know it more so now. And I know more about me too, to make it happen and to do it the way I want it done. I know how to go about getting it and keeping it. This time last year, I didn't know. So I needed this change and I needed to learn what I've learned.
Right now, at this moment in time, I want to put myself out there in the world. I want to put all of me, to the test. I want to feel what it's like to be an adventurer again. I want to feel what life will be like and how I will see the world and how the world will see me. Diann said today, that I'll notice the difference once I'm out there again. I'll go traveling and the world will respond differently to me. Because I'll see the world differently. And isn't that what they always say.. Through whatever eyes you see the world, the world sees you in the same light. You and the world are a reflection of each other. If I choose to see the world as one big party, then that's what I'll project to the world so that's what the world will see looking at me. It would be the same if I were to see the world as a dark and gloomy place. That's what I'd project and therefore that's what others would see.. You get back exactly what you put out there.. I truly believe that. But do I see the world as a party? A year or 2 ago? yes, most definitely.
How do I see the world? As a magical and beautiful place and life is still as wonderful as ever or probably even more so. Can I put these feelings out there? I think I can. If that's how I choose to see the world, then surely that's what will come back to me. It's all very well to see it like this, but in a way it shocked me to hear how much I've changed. I'm still the same underneath it all. I am, really. But isn't it strange? Because when I was in Oz 2 years ago, people told me that I came across as knowing myself so well. People that were older than me, would admire that in me. I thought I did, but now I'm only realizing that I only knew a tiny little bit of me. I look back and I didn't know hardly anything. Again, I think it's just the pace at which this has all happened, that makes it seem like I've learned so much, when maybe I'm only just starting. It's hard to say.
But, really, it doesn't matter how much I know about myself now and how little I knew back then. Because it's all about the here and now and about the fact that I am learning to use the tools I have to be apart of the world again. No matter how much or how little I've changed, I don't need to dwell on it. Because I still want to have fun, I still want to travel, I'm still aching for adventure, I'm still prone to feeling natural adrenaline and I'm still Niamh. If others turn on me, because of who I am, then they simply aren't worth worrying about. They can either take it or leave it. Because I am what I am.
All the friends I have, if and when they see me again, will think I'll be a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. But I never wanted to change. I never wanted to slow down. I never wanted any of this.. Even though Diann said today that these months needed to happen for me to able to travel the world with sustained energy and giving me the opportunity to embrace each experience fully, instead of rushing around needing to fill the day with as much partying, sightseeing, working and happiness as possible. Because I know I did need to change me way of going through life. But sometimes it kind of freaks me out thinking that I've lost the thing that people liked the most about me.. which was my energy and drive. Or maybe that's just what I've led my self to believe. Maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe there are other things about me that people liked. But I still have my energy and my drive, just different. I'm might not be racy anymore or restless or go-go-go.. But that doesn't mean I'm lazy or that my passion for life has gone. Because it's still there and I felt it last week more so than ever and on some other occasions too.
I know that people change and that experiences change people. And changes need to be made, to live life. It's the way it goes. I just think that it's the rate or the pace at which I've changed that has caught me off guard a little. Most people change gradually. Over time, they can either slow down or speed up, close themselves off from the world or open up and let the world in. It all depends on the person I suppose. But it's almost like I've been in hibernation or in hiding for months and months. And before going into hiding I was one person, and now I'm "coming out" of hiding months later, a whole new approach to life is being experienced. Ma said the I've changed so much. And it's only freaking out the part of me, that judges me, that expects me to do certain things, the part of me that doesn't want me to sit down, the part of me telling me I shouldn't eat, the part of me that says I'm not worthy of anything. That's the part that's being freaked out by this change.
The otherside of me, isn't annoyed that I got this chance to change, without asking for it. It isn't dwelling on it and it knows that I needed this to live my life and travel the world. If I hadn't gone through this journey, I would never have slowed down. I would still be racing around, running through life only getting short and brief experiences without fully appreciating it and therefore not fully embracing them. I look back over the past 4 years and I remember how I'd always feel whenever I'd look at how my life was going to plan out. And it would exhaust me, just thinking about it. I would have visions of me running riot, forever, never taking a time-out and never calming down. I would never have slowed down, without it being a case of life or death. That's how far it got, but I needed it.
Back then I was still wanting to travel, as much as possible in as little time as possible. As the song goes: "No time to waste, I gotta move with haste"..that applied to me. I seemed to want everything in life. But nobody can have it all. So it's best to focus on making the one thing you want the most to happen, happen. And that's travel. That's all I want. I knew that then, but I know it more so now. And I know more about me too, to make it happen and to do it the way I want it done. I know how to go about getting it and keeping it. This time last year, I didn't know. So I needed this change and I needed to learn what I've learned.
Right now, at this moment in time, I want to put myself out there in the world. I want to put all of me, to the test. I want to feel what it's like to be an adventurer again. I want to feel what life will be like and how I will see the world and how the world will see me. Diann said today, that I'll notice the difference once I'm out there again. I'll go traveling and the world will respond differently to me. Because I'll see the world differently. And isn't that what they always say.. Through whatever eyes you see the world, the world sees you in the same light. You and the world are a reflection of each other. If I choose to see the world as one big party, then that's what I'll project to the world so that's what the world will see looking at me. It would be the same if I were to see the world as a dark and gloomy place. That's what I'd project and therefore that's what others would see.. You get back exactly what you put out there.. I truly believe that. But do I see the world as a party? A year or 2 ago? yes, most definitely.
How do I see the world? As a magical and beautiful place and life is still as wonderful as ever or probably even more so. Can I put these feelings out there? I think I can. If that's how I choose to see the world, then surely that's what will come back to me. It's all very well to see it like this, but in a way it shocked me to hear how much I've changed. I'm still the same underneath it all. I am, really. But isn't it strange? Because when I was in Oz 2 years ago, people told me that I came across as knowing myself so well. People that were older than me, would admire that in me. I thought I did, but now I'm only realizing that I only knew a tiny little bit of me. I look back and I didn't know hardly anything. Again, I think it's just the pace at which this has all happened, that makes it seem like I've learned so much, when maybe I'm only just starting. It's hard to say.
But, really, it doesn't matter how much I know about myself now and how little I knew back then. Because it's all about the here and now and about the fact that I am learning to use the tools I have to be apart of the world again. No matter how much or how little I've changed, I don't need to dwell on it. Because I still want to have fun, I still want to travel, I'm still aching for adventure, I'm still prone to feeling natural adrenaline and I'm still Niamh. If others turn on me, because of who I am, then they simply aren't worth worrying about. They can either take it or leave it. Because I am what I am.
Diann on Monday 2
The more sessions I have with Diann, the stronger I feel. And each week I notice the difference. If the subject of food is on the cards or not, also shows how good or bad I'm feeling. This subject was only briefly touched today..she just asked me: "are you okay around food?" That's all she asked. I told her about the incident of the biscuit. But that wasn't anything major. That's all that came up this week, on the subject of food. It's all I had to say on the subject and that in itself, is saying something. Also if my head isn't exploding then I know that I'm finding my own way. I know not to hold back, when I'm talking to her. Something I've never done but I also know never to hold back when I'm blogging either. That way I can deal with things as they come up because I know what the issue means and I know the way to go about getting through it. Diann can notice the difference too. I'm sure of it. She hasn't said it, because she knows better than anyone else, how compliments what compliments can do and that they can sometimes not be properly heard..
And that's another thing.. I'm feeling better and better with compliments too. They don't send my head into turmoil, the way they used to. They don't make me feel worthless and they don't make me feel bad. Something everyone was so weary of doing. But now it doesn't bother me, 80% of the time anyhow. Because now I want and need to look healthy. And if I'm healthy on the inside, then that's what I'll show on the outside. And I need my health and I need my weight too, to be and do as I want to.
That brings me onto another thing. I noticed this yesterday when I was in the shopping center with Ma. We met an aunt of Ma's, who hadn't been well. An old lady, so sweet. And Ma said to her that she was looking so well, now that she was back on her feet and they chatted briefly about how she was regaining her strength. And this little lady responded so well, to the compliments and was able to talk about how she was getting back to normal again and feeling better. For an instant I thought.. "O god, don't tell her that she's looking well!! The poor woman doesn't want to hear that! It will only make her feel worse and set her back in her recovery process..!!" But then of course I realized that she was recovering from something else than I am. It seemed so strange.. But really that's a normal thing to do.
Paying people compliments. People who haven't been well and who are struggling with getting back into normal life after being ill for a longer period of time, only love to hear compliments as to how well they are looking. They also wouldn't mind talking about how much better they are feeling. But that's with illnesses that are physical, not mental. And that's where the difference lies. An eating disorder is probably only one of the few conditions that requires such caution around telling people how healthy they are looking and how much progress they're making.
So I'm now pretty sure that a compliment wouldn't do to me, what it once did. And that's just because I'm learning to feel deserving of life and I'm learning to see that I need to love myself unconditionally. So therefore a compliment can now feel real and I can feel deserving of a nice remark and for somebody to tell me how I'm doing well or looking better. I know this, because the only person who pays me compliments is Mr. Acupuncturist. He either pushes the boundaries or tests the water each week. Not intentionally because he doesn't know what it would do to me to hear him saying how well I'm looking and how much good I'm doing. He must have thought that compliments would make me feel better. But they made me feel worse. I never said it though. I just took it on and let it bring me down. But now, when he says those good words, I'm fine with it. It's okay and I can appreciate them. And when he doesn't say anything, I'd be wanting to do myself more good, just for him to tell me that I'm improving again.
So accepting good things that people say to me, is a sure sign that I'm on the up but still always trying to resist the urge of running away with myself. O yeah, and another thing. The past weeks, I've looked in the mirror and can say that I was shocked sometimes. Shocked by suddenly being able to see what's real. My real size. My real figure. Seeing what other people see. Something I've wanted for so long, but was never able to. Something I thought I'd never be able to feel fine with. But, only a few times, I've looked and thought..god I could do with some more weight. I really am not at all anywhere near being chubby. And that's with my current weight..which can freak me out because I've put on weight over the months and can't imagine what I used to look like and what others were forced to look at. I would look at myself back then, but I wouldn't see what others would see. Seeing how things really are, is only occasionally though, but it's a start. And let's face it, nobody can always manage to see what other people see when they look in the mirror, not all the time anyhow. So more revelations that have come my way.
I still haven't weighed my self in months..the 23rd of september was the last time. I don't really feel the need to. And if I did, it would only be out of curiousity. I can't deny that I would like to know, but not for needing to loose it again. Not at all. I would be safe knowing how my weight. Because I can't remember the last time I lay awake at night worrying about how big I'm going to get. It's been months. There are simply more important things in this life than a number on the weighing scales..
So much goodness but it's not all too good to be true. Because it is real. I'm not going to bring myself down by saying that it's all going too well, because it's going exactly how it's supposed to, right now..
And that's another thing.. I'm feeling better and better with compliments too. They don't send my head into turmoil, the way they used to. They don't make me feel worthless and they don't make me feel bad. Something everyone was so weary of doing. But now it doesn't bother me, 80% of the time anyhow. Because now I want and need to look healthy. And if I'm healthy on the inside, then that's what I'll show on the outside. And I need my health and I need my weight too, to be and do as I want to.
That brings me onto another thing. I noticed this yesterday when I was in the shopping center with Ma. We met an aunt of Ma's, who hadn't been well. An old lady, so sweet. And Ma said to her that she was looking so well, now that she was back on her feet and they chatted briefly about how she was regaining her strength. And this little lady responded so well, to the compliments and was able to talk about how she was getting back to normal again and feeling better. For an instant I thought.. "O god, don't tell her that she's looking well!! The poor woman doesn't want to hear that! It will only make her feel worse and set her back in her recovery process..!!" But then of course I realized that she was recovering from something else than I am. It seemed so strange.. But really that's a normal thing to do.
Paying people compliments. People who haven't been well and who are struggling with getting back into normal life after being ill for a longer period of time, only love to hear compliments as to how well they are looking. They also wouldn't mind talking about how much better they are feeling. But that's with illnesses that are physical, not mental. And that's where the difference lies. An eating disorder is probably only one of the few conditions that requires such caution around telling people how healthy they are looking and how much progress they're making.
So I'm now pretty sure that a compliment wouldn't do to me, what it once did. And that's just because I'm learning to feel deserving of life and I'm learning to see that I need to love myself unconditionally. So therefore a compliment can now feel real and I can feel deserving of a nice remark and for somebody to tell me how I'm doing well or looking better. I know this, because the only person who pays me compliments is Mr. Acupuncturist. He either pushes the boundaries or tests the water each week. Not intentionally because he doesn't know what it would do to me to hear him saying how well I'm looking and how much good I'm doing. He must have thought that compliments would make me feel better. But they made me feel worse. I never said it though. I just took it on and let it bring me down. But now, when he says those good words, I'm fine with it. It's okay and I can appreciate them. And when he doesn't say anything, I'd be wanting to do myself more good, just for him to tell me that I'm improving again.
So accepting good things that people say to me, is a sure sign that I'm on the up but still always trying to resist the urge of running away with myself. O yeah, and another thing. The past weeks, I've looked in the mirror and can say that I was shocked sometimes. Shocked by suddenly being able to see what's real. My real size. My real figure. Seeing what other people see. Something I've wanted for so long, but was never able to. Something I thought I'd never be able to feel fine with. But, only a few times, I've looked and thought..god I could do with some more weight. I really am not at all anywhere near being chubby. And that's with my current weight..which can freak me out because I've put on weight over the months and can't imagine what I used to look like and what others were forced to look at. I would look at myself back then, but I wouldn't see what others would see. Seeing how things really are, is only occasionally though, but it's a start. And let's face it, nobody can always manage to see what other people see when they look in the mirror, not all the time anyhow. So more revelations that have come my way.
I still haven't weighed my self in months..the 23rd of september was the last time. I don't really feel the need to. And if I did, it would only be out of curiousity. I can't deny that I would like to know, but not for needing to loose it again. Not at all. I would be safe knowing how my weight. Because I can't remember the last time I lay awake at night worrying about how big I'm going to get. It's been months. There are simply more important things in this life than a number on the weighing scales..
So much goodness but it's not all too good to be true. Because it is real. I'm not going to bring myself down by saying that it's all going too well, because it's going exactly how it's supposed to, right now..
Diann on Monday 1
I went to Diann today and after the past week, I can honestly say that everything is very good. This has probably been the best week I've had in a long time. Why? Because I've started to branch out, and I'm starting to feel alive again. The daily walks I've started taking, are helping so much and just knowing that I'll soon be free from everything in Holland is also helping. It's almost like I'm cleaning up my mind. I'm spring-cleaning and it's giving me a real boost.
I've been asking myself during the week, on several occasions, if I'm not taking on too much right now. But Diann said today that if I were to be making too many decisions, at this stage in the game, then I'd have noticed it during the week. I'd be a wreck, I'd be teary, I'd feel pressurized and I'd be exhausted. But I'm not. The only times I've cried during the week was because I was so happy. After meditating, one day, I was overwhelmed with something. I'm not too sure what it was, but something made me cry. And the other time, was when Mr. Acupuncturist told me my heart was opening up again. They were happy tears. So that's fine. It means I'm not pushing myself too much right now, but just enough to give me a physical energy boost. Something that I need so I can start putting myself out in the world again.
One thing that got me down, or tried to muck me about was the feeling of people around me, expecting me to be a certain way and express a certain amount of joy. The same old story. I can't afford to dwell on it though. I have to let that go. The past week I managed to shut out the vibes everyone was giving me as to what they expected of me. That shutting out, kept the pressure off that rises in my chest whenever I get the feeling that I'm being expected to be a certain way (even though nobody expects anything of me..that's the most frustrating thing). Usually whenever I've felt like that in the past, it would make me go the other way.. the way of being down, depressed and moody. But during the week I wasn't going to let it get me down. I can't. I have to recognize these expectations as just my thoughts. Ma said today that I didn't even know if her happiness and excitement was because of me feeling so good lately. And I know she's right. But it's just me trying to think for her. It's what my head tells me at that moment and therefore I let it take over and the more I dwell on what people expect of me, the more I feel like wallowing in self-pity just to prove I'm not totally back to normal yet.
That's been the main thing this week that has been making me see red. Ma being excited and happy for me that I'm getting better. But I tried during the week to not let my own thoughts bring me down. These thoughts come up within seconds, but I can now turn them around just as quickly. I've learned how to block it out, so I can use that. I can pick myself up and I can turn my days around and I can focus on keeping everything moving along smoothly. Engaging in feeling responsible for what other people feel, be it happy or sad, is simply not good at this stage in the game. That doesn't mean that I don't want Ma to be happy and for her to support me with each decision I make. Because I want for nothing more. As long as I'm not expected to express all the excitement that I'm feeling on the inside.
It's what Diann has said to me so often. Giving in to any of these negative thoughts will only feed then and they are also proof that everything I do, will never be right. Letting go of expectations, caused by feeling judged, will make me stronger and feel happier. And can that make me feel bad? the fact that I'm mentally able to ignore these irritating thoughts in my head? Of course it does. But that's also something that I have to recognize and let go. Because at the end of the day it's all about me feeling I won't ever deserve to feel happy. So whatever I do, it won't be right. If I were to give in to these thoughts, that would make me feel down, and would that make me happy? Of course not, nobody likes to have bad thoughts or close themselves off from the love that other people are trying to give them.
It's the same story as always..trying to realize that these are all just thoughts, nothing more, nothing less. During the week, as I've been feeling so fine, they have come up occasionally. I haven't given in to them. And if I have, it's only been for short periods of time and I've soon figured out what to do, to pick myself up again. Just like thoughts, that make us feel a certain way..they all come and go. Every person in the world experiences so many emotions and feelings in the space of 24 hours. It's normal, and it's a part of life. So why should I try to figure out the reason for them? Just being aware of what they are, in order to deal with them and not to let them ruin us, isn't that enough? Yes, I reckon so. As I've said so many times before, it's putting it all into practice that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it.
I've been asking myself during the week, on several occasions, if I'm not taking on too much right now. But Diann said today that if I were to be making too many decisions, at this stage in the game, then I'd have noticed it during the week. I'd be a wreck, I'd be teary, I'd feel pressurized and I'd be exhausted. But I'm not. The only times I've cried during the week was because I was so happy. After meditating, one day, I was overwhelmed with something. I'm not too sure what it was, but something made me cry. And the other time, was when Mr. Acupuncturist told me my heart was opening up again. They were happy tears. So that's fine. It means I'm not pushing myself too much right now, but just enough to give me a physical energy boost. Something that I need so I can start putting myself out in the world again.
One thing that got me down, or tried to muck me about was the feeling of people around me, expecting me to be a certain way and express a certain amount of joy. The same old story. I can't afford to dwell on it though. I have to let that go. The past week I managed to shut out the vibes everyone was giving me as to what they expected of me. That shutting out, kept the pressure off that rises in my chest whenever I get the feeling that I'm being expected to be a certain way (even though nobody expects anything of me..that's the most frustrating thing). Usually whenever I've felt like that in the past, it would make me go the other way.. the way of being down, depressed and moody. But during the week I wasn't going to let it get me down. I can't. I have to recognize these expectations as just my thoughts. Ma said today that I didn't even know if her happiness and excitement was because of me feeling so good lately. And I know she's right. But it's just me trying to think for her. It's what my head tells me at that moment and therefore I let it take over and the more I dwell on what people expect of me, the more I feel like wallowing in self-pity just to prove I'm not totally back to normal yet.
That's been the main thing this week that has been making me see red. Ma being excited and happy for me that I'm getting better. But I tried during the week to not let my own thoughts bring me down. These thoughts come up within seconds, but I can now turn them around just as quickly. I've learned how to block it out, so I can use that. I can pick myself up and I can turn my days around and I can focus on keeping everything moving along smoothly. Engaging in feeling responsible for what other people feel, be it happy or sad, is simply not good at this stage in the game. That doesn't mean that I don't want Ma to be happy and for her to support me with each decision I make. Because I want for nothing more. As long as I'm not expected to express all the excitement that I'm feeling on the inside.
It's what Diann has said to me so often. Giving in to any of these negative thoughts will only feed then and they are also proof that everything I do, will never be right. Letting go of expectations, caused by feeling judged, will make me stronger and feel happier. And can that make me feel bad? the fact that I'm mentally able to ignore these irritating thoughts in my head? Of course it does. But that's also something that I have to recognize and let go. Because at the end of the day it's all about me feeling I won't ever deserve to feel happy. So whatever I do, it won't be right. If I were to give in to these thoughts, that would make me feel down, and would that make me happy? Of course not, nobody likes to have bad thoughts or close themselves off from the love that other people are trying to give them.
It's the same story as always..trying to realize that these are all just thoughts, nothing more, nothing less. During the week, as I've been feeling so fine, they have come up occasionally. I haven't given in to them. And if I have, it's only been for short periods of time and I've soon figured out what to do, to pick myself up again. Just like thoughts, that make us feel a certain way..they all come and go. Every person in the world experiences so many emotions and feelings in the space of 24 hours. It's normal, and it's a part of life. So why should I try to figure out the reason for them? Just being aware of what they are, in order to deal with them and not to let them ruin us, isn't that enough? Yes, I reckon so. As I've said so many times before, it's putting it all into practice that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it.
Diann on Monday 1
I went to Diann today and after the past week, I can honestly say that everything is very good. This has probably been the best week I've had in a long time. Why? Because I've started to branch out, and I'm starting to feel alive again. The daily walks I've started taking, are helping so much and just knowing that I'll soon be free from everything in Holland is also helping. It's almost like I'm cleaning up my mind. I'm spring-cleaning and it's giving me a real boost.
I've been asking myself during the week, on several occasions, if I'm not taking on too much right now. But Diann said today that if I were to be making too many decisions, at this stage in the game, then I'd have noticed it during the week. I'd be a wreck, I'd be teary, I'd feel pressurized and I'd be exhausted. But I'm not. The only times I've cried during the week was because I was so happy. After meditating, one day, I was overwhelmed with something. I'm not too sure what it was, but something made me cry. And the other time, was when Mr. Acupuncturist told me my heart was opening up again. They were happy tears. So that's fine. It means I'm not pushing myself too much right now, but just enough to give me a physical energy boost. Something that I need so I can start putting myself out in the world again.
One thing that got me down, or tried to muck me about was the feeling of people around me, expecting me to be a certain way and express a certain amount of joy. The same old story. I can't afford to dwell on it though. I have to let that go. The past week I managed to shut out the vibes everyone was giving me as to what they expected of me. That shutting out, kept the pressure off that rises in my chest whenever I get the feeling that I'm being expected to be a certain way (even though nobody expects anything of me..that's the most frustrating thing). Usually whenever I've felt like that in the past, it would make me go the other way.. the way of being down, depressed and moody. But during the week I wasn't going to let it get me down. I can't. I have to recognize these expectations as just my thoughts. Ma said today that I didn't even know if her happiness and excitement was because of me feeling so good lately. And I know she's right. But it's just me trying to think for her. It's what my head tells me at that moment and therefore I let it take over and the more I dwell on what people expect of me, the more I feel like wallowing in self-pity just to prove I'm not totally back to normal yet.
That's been the main thing this week that has been making me see red. Ma being excited and happy for me that I'm getting better. But I tried during the week to not let my own thoughts bring me down. These thoughts come up within seconds, but I can now turn them around just as quickly. I've learned how to block it out, so I can use that. I can pick myself up and I can turn my days around and I can focus on keeping everything moving along smoothly. Engaging in feeling responsible for what other people feel, be it happy or sad, is simply not good at this stage in the game. That doesn't mean that I don't want Ma to be happy and for her to support me with each decision I make. Because I want for nothing more. As long as I'm not expected to express all the excitement that I'm feeling on the inside.
It's what Diann has said to me so often. Giving in to any of these negative thoughts will only feed then and they are also proof that everything I do, will never be right. Letting go of expectations, caused by feeling judged, will make me stronger and feel happier. And can that make me feel bad? the fact that I'm mentally able to ignore these irritating thoughts in my head? Of course it does. But that's also something that I have to recognize and let go. Because at the end of the day it's all about me feeling I won't ever deserve to feel happy. So whatever I do, it won't be right. If I were to give in to these thoughts, that would make me feel down, and would that make me happy? Of course not, nobody likes to have bad thoughts or close themselves off from the love that other people are trying to give them.
It's the same story as always..trying to realize that these are all just thoughts, nothing more, nothing less. During the week, as I've been feeling so fine, they have come up occasionally. I haven't given in to them. And if I have, it's only been for short periods of time and I've soon figured out what to do, to pick myself up again. Just like thoughts, that make us feel a certain way..they all come and go. Every person in the world experiences so many emotions and feelings in the space of 24 hours. It's normal, and it's a part of life. So why should I try to figure out the reason for them? Just being aware of what they are, in order to deal with them and not to let them ruin us, isn't that enough? Yes, I reckon so. As I've said so many times before, it's putting it all into practice that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it.
I've been asking myself during the week, on several occasions, if I'm not taking on too much right now. But Diann said today that if I were to be making too many decisions, at this stage in the game, then I'd have noticed it during the week. I'd be a wreck, I'd be teary, I'd feel pressurized and I'd be exhausted. But I'm not. The only times I've cried during the week was because I was so happy. After meditating, one day, I was overwhelmed with something. I'm not too sure what it was, but something made me cry. And the other time, was when Mr. Acupuncturist told me my heart was opening up again. They were happy tears. So that's fine. It means I'm not pushing myself too much right now, but just enough to give me a physical energy boost. Something that I need so I can start putting myself out in the world again.
One thing that got me down, or tried to muck me about was the feeling of people around me, expecting me to be a certain way and express a certain amount of joy. The same old story. I can't afford to dwell on it though. I have to let that go. The past week I managed to shut out the vibes everyone was giving me as to what they expected of me. That shutting out, kept the pressure off that rises in my chest whenever I get the feeling that I'm being expected to be a certain way (even though nobody expects anything of me..that's the most frustrating thing). Usually whenever I've felt like that in the past, it would make me go the other way.. the way of being down, depressed and moody. But during the week I wasn't going to let it get me down. I can't. I have to recognize these expectations as just my thoughts. Ma said today that I didn't even know if her happiness and excitement was because of me feeling so good lately. And I know she's right. But it's just me trying to think for her. It's what my head tells me at that moment and therefore I let it take over and the more I dwell on what people expect of me, the more I feel like wallowing in self-pity just to prove I'm not totally back to normal yet.
That's been the main thing this week that has been making me see red. Ma being excited and happy for me that I'm getting better. But I tried during the week to not let my own thoughts bring me down. These thoughts come up within seconds, but I can now turn them around just as quickly. I've learned how to block it out, so I can use that. I can pick myself up and I can turn my days around and I can focus on keeping everything moving along smoothly. Engaging in feeling responsible for what other people feel, be it happy or sad, is simply not good at this stage in the game. That doesn't mean that I don't want Ma to be happy and for her to support me with each decision I make. Because I want for nothing more. As long as I'm not expected to express all the excitement that I'm feeling on the inside.
It's what Diann has said to me so often. Giving in to any of these negative thoughts will only feed then and they are also proof that everything I do, will never be right. Letting go of expectations, caused by feeling judged, will make me stronger and feel happier. And can that make me feel bad? the fact that I'm mentally able to ignore these irritating thoughts in my head? Of course it does. But that's also something that I have to recognize and let go. Because at the end of the day it's all about me feeling I won't ever deserve to feel happy. So whatever I do, it won't be right. If I were to give in to these thoughts, that would make me feel down, and would that make me happy? Of course not, nobody likes to have bad thoughts or close themselves off from the love that other people are trying to give them.
It's the same story as always..trying to realize that these are all just thoughts, nothing more, nothing less. During the week, as I've been feeling so fine, they have come up occasionally. I haven't given in to them. And if I have, it's only been for short periods of time and I've soon figured out what to do, to pick myself up again. Just like thoughts, that make us feel a certain way..they all come and go. Every person in the world experiences so many emotions and feelings in the space of 24 hours. It's normal, and it's a part of life. So why should I try to figure out the reason for them? Just being aware of what they are, in order to deal with them and not to let them ruin us, isn't that enough? Yes, I reckon so. As I've said so many times before, it's putting it all into practice that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Current food story
On Monday Diann asked me how I was doing, food-wise. There were so many other things we were chatting about that the topic of food sometimes is forgotten. So, we just briefly touched on the subject. I said it was all going okay. And it is, most of the time. Sometimes it's hard to say whether it's going well or not. Because I don't really know what to compare it with. To weeks ago? To months ago? To stressful times? To the chilled-out times? What's the norm? What are the guidelines as to how well I'm eating, how much I'm enjoying it, how often I'm eating and how okay I am with the weight I'm putting on because of the food? I'm my own guideline I suppose..
Compared to months ago, it's good. Most days I'll eat 3 normal meals, with one of two snacks in between and a supplement drink an hour or 2 before I go to bed. On a rare occasion I'll eat 2 meals and snack all day. I wouldn't skip that 1 meal intentionally but it would be either because I simply didn't have time to have a third meal or because I'd be out of bed too late (that probably only happens on a Sunday) or I'd be snacking all day, and therefore I wouldn't feel hungry enough to have a third meal.
I've been told so many times that it's all about the feeling I have when I'm eating. Diann has said it, the doctor has said it and Mr. Acupuncturist has said it. 95% of the time I feel fine eating. I don't feel paranoid, I don't feel shame, I don't feel fat, I don't feel guilty. I look forward to meals. I think about what I could have for lunch, at breakfast time and what I could have for dinner, at lunchtime. And once I've finished my dinner, I already look forward to my breakfast again.
Somedays I eat so much or my the food feels like the perfect amount, that I don't even feel like I need the supplement drink. I feel satisfied without it. But I don't skip, I have it anyhow. I guess I'm still weary that if I don't have it, I'm only doing it so to lessen my calorie-intake for that particular day. But that isn't the case because I don't really count the calories anymore. Sometimes when I do, it's after I've eaten and purely out of curiosity as to how much food has been enough on that day.
There are always occasional fights inside my head though. Like last night, after dinner. I was thinking about a biscuit. But instead I had the supplement drink at around half 9. Before having it, I told myself that if I'm still wanting a biscuit afterwards, I'll have it. The drink might fill me up and then I won't need a biscuit. So after the drink, I was still thinking about a biscuit so I had a muesli bar. I thought that would settle my thoughts. But it didn't. I was still thinking and thinking and thinking and waiting patiently for the night to come to and end, so I wouldn't have to give in to temptation. I ignored the craving. So it was nearing 12 o clock and I wanted to go to bed, just to stop thinking about it. Then I was so tempted to go to bed with the packet of biscuits and binge.. even though I knew that by doing so, would bring on guilt in the morning and it might end up interfering with breakfast.
So I had to get rid of the thoughts about the biscuit and I gave in and sat and had a cup of tea and a biscuit. I had to, because I knew that once I had started analyzing it, I was restricting myself. And as Diann has said to me, the best thing to do when you know you're in restraint.. is to have that certain thing you want, and see it as part of the process. Rising to the challenge and having a biscuit at 12o clock at night. That's what I did, even though I knew that it was just going to stick in my gut all night and that I wouldn't burn it. I ate the biscuit and instantly all the thoughts of stuffing my face, up in my room before going to sleep, away from the world without anybody knowing.. They had all gone and I was able to go to bed knowing that I was doing so, in order to sleep and not to get away from the biscuits.
And you what.. If I would have had that biscuit after dinner last night, nothing would have happened. I wouldn't have had any of those thoughts. I wouldn't have felt guilty, I wouldn't have had urges to binge. It's so strange. And this morning when I woke up, I didn't think about the biscuit. It was gone. But I was still slightly struggling with weird thoughts about breakfast. I wanted everything again.. I wanted cereal, I wanted yogurt and fruit and muesli. But there's only so much I can eat. So I had the cereal and told myself that I can have the yogurt later on if I want. If I don't feel like it, then it doesn't matter. There will be other times I'll have the yogurt, right? Yes, of course there will. But I just love it so much and it seems like such a shame to have to miss out on such a delicious meal.. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast and for lunch I had yogurt and I wasn't craving anything after that.. until the biscuit incident. So today I'll probably do the same.
I was making my breakfast this morning and asking myself what does it really matter?(yes, I still talk to myself just like everybody else.. all the time, sometimes as if I'm my best friend and other times as if I'm my own worst enemy).. What difference would it make if I were to have cereal, then yogurt and muesli and fruit and then a toasted sandwich and then dinner and then some more snacks? What does it really matter? You see, it isn't easy to answer that.. cause sometimes it doesn't matter. And those are the best times and the times when I'm feeling good and I enjoy food and I know that I still need the extra weight. But the times when it does matter, are the worst. Because I know it's just old **** coming up. Stuff I don't need and stuff that doesn't do me any good.
The difference between now and months ago, is that I can now see it, as it's happening and I also know what to do. I know that I should just eat whatever it is I want, when I start having all these thoughts and battles going on inside my head. That's the only way to resist giving in to that "bad relationship" I can so easily have with food.
So if that's all there is, when it comes to food, then it is all pretty good I reckon. I've been asking myself lately, if I'll ever be able to stuff myself and feel fine, or if I'll be able to eat bad foods without feeling guilty. And I can honestly say that I don't think I ever will. I've never been like that. I've never stuffed my face on a regular basis. But then again that wouldn't be healthy either, would it?? No. So I think I'm fine as long as I'm eating the food I enjoy the most.. and enough of it..
Compared to months ago, it's good. Most days I'll eat 3 normal meals, with one of two snacks in between and a supplement drink an hour or 2 before I go to bed. On a rare occasion I'll eat 2 meals and snack all day. I wouldn't skip that 1 meal intentionally but it would be either because I simply didn't have time to have a third meal or because I'd be out of bed too late (that probably only happens on a Sunday) or I'd be snacking all day, and therefore I wouldn't feel hungry enough to have a third meal.
I've been told so many times that it's all about the feeling I have when I'm eating. Diann has said it, the doctor has said it and Mr. Acupuncturist has said it. 95% of the time I feel fine eating. I don't feel paranoid, I don't feel shame, I don't feel fat, I don't feel guilty. I look forward to meals. I think about what I could have for lunch, at breakfast time and what I could have for dinner, at lunchtime. And once I've finished my dinner, I already look forward to my breakfast again.
Somedays I eat so much or my the food feels like the perfect amount, that I don't even feel like I need the supplement drink. I feel satisfied without it. But I don't skip, I have it anyhow. I guess I'm still weary that if I don't have it, I'm only doing it so to lessen my calorie-intake for that particular day. But that isn't the case because I don't really count the calories anymore. Sometimes when I do, it's after I've eaten and purely out of curiosity as to how much food has been enough on that day.
There are always occasional fights inside my head though. Like last night, after dinner. I was thinking about a biscuit. But instead I had the supplement drink at around half 9. Before having it, I told myself that if I'm still wanting a biscuit afterwards, I'll have it. The drink might fill me up and then I won't need a biscuit. So after the drink, I was still thinking about a biscuit so I had a muesli bar. I thought that would settle my thoughts. But it didn't. I was still thinking and thinking and thinking and waiting patiently for the night to come to and end, so I wouldn't have to give in to temptation. I ignored the craving. So it was nearing 12 o clock and I wanted to go to bed, just to stop thinking about it. Then I was so tempted to go to bed with the packet of biscuits and binge.. even though I knew that by doing so, would bring on guilt in the morning and it might end up interfering with breakfast.
So I had to get rid of the thoughts about the biscuit and I gave in and sat and had a cup of tea and a biscuit. I had to, because I knew that once I had started analyzing it, I was restricting myself. And as Diann has said to me, the best thing to do when you know you're in restraint.. is to have that certain thing you want, and see it as part of the process. Rising to the challenge and having a biscuit at 12o clock at night. That's what I did, even though I knew that it was just going to stick in my gut all night and that I wouldn't burn it. I ate the biscuit and instantly all the thoughts of stuffing my face, up in my room before going to sleep, away from the world without anybody knowing.. They had all gone and I was able to go to bed knowing that I was doing so, in order to sleep and not to get away from the biscuits.
And you what.. If I would have had that biscuit after dinner last night, nothing would have happened. I wouldn't have had any of those thoughts. I wouldn't have felt guilty, I wouldn't have had urges to binge. It's so strange. And this morning when I woke up, I didn't think about the biscuit. It was gone. But I was still slightly struggling with weird thoughts about breakfast. I wanted everything again.. I wanted cereal, I wanted yogurt and fruit and muesli. But there's only so much I can eat. So I had the cereal and told myself that I can have the yogurt later on if I want. If I don't feel like it, then it doesn't matter. There will be other times I'll have the yogurt, right? Yes, of course there will. But I just love it so much and it seems like such a shame to have to miss out on such a delicious meal.. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast and for lunch I had yogurt and I wasn't craving anything after that.. until the biscuit incident. So today I'll probably do the same.
I was making my breakfast this morning and asking myself what does it really matter?(yes, I still talk to myself just like everybody else.. all the time, sometimes as if I'm my best friend and other times as if I'm my own worst enemy).. What difference would it make if I were to have cereal, then yogurt and muesli and fruit and then a toasted sandwich and then dinner and then some more snacks? What does it really matter? You see, it isn't easy to answer that.. cause sometimes it doesn't matter. And those are the best times and the times when I'm feeling good and I enjoy food and I know that I still need the extra weight. But the times when it does matter, are the worst. Because I know it's just old **** coming up. Stuff I don't need and stuff that doesn't do me any good.
The difference between now and months ago, is that I can now see it, as it's happening and I also know what to do. I know that I should just eat whatever it is I want, when I start having all these thoughts and battles going on inside my head. That's the only way to resist giving in to that "bad relationship" I can so easily have with food.
So if that's all there is, when it comes to food, then it is all pretty good I reckon. I've been asking myself lately, if I'll ever be able to stuff myself and feel fine, or if I'll be able to eat bad foods without feeling guilty. And I can honestly say that I don't think I ever will. I've never been like that. I've never stuffed my face on a regular basis. But then again that wouldn't be healthy either, would it?? No. So I think I'm fine as long as I'm eating the food I enjoy the most.. and enough of it..
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