In the elevator I stood
Joined by an elderly man with a stick
A normal course of events
As it was a hospital and we were obviously both sick
So why do I still think
And why has his image remained in my mind?
The pace of his movements
So slow like I was watching a video on rewind
I could suddenly relate
To how this poor man feeling while looking so drained
He had to force every movement
And needed to use every bit of strength that remained
This picture I cannot forget
As I knew he was at least 50 years my age
And I was feeling his weakness
Which tells me my body is getting close to his stage
Am I really that ill
That an elderly man calls home familiar feelings of decay
A 25-year-old mind trapped
In a body making the most of the last hand of cards she must play
The reason for this
Me being in a hospital says it all
A bone scan for an illness
Only unlucky women over 50 are the victims to fall
Osteoperosis is the reason
That I stumbled upon this event
The scan seemed okay
But the aftermath has caused a dent
Realization is why
For I have aged far too many years
In such a short time
That a birthday party would count endless amounts of cheers
Pushing myself day after day
Because I want to stay active
It takes every ounce of my strength
But I refuse for this illness to take me captive..
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Positive versus the Negative
It's so hard. I don't know whether to be positive or negative.
I don't know whether to make the most out of each day?
It's like every morning it's a choice I have to make.
Will I turn all these shitty feelings around today, or will I just give in to feeling like the piece of shit I am?
I know full well, how to turn a negative into a positive. And the frustrating thing is that I also know, that I CAN turn a negative into a positive. But do I really WANT to do this?
My positive and negative feelings will only be made stronger or weaker by what I eat.
If I want to be positive, I know that I cannot eat too much and I'll need to deprive myself of food. How can I be positive and eat at the same time? Because feeding myself doesn't make me feel happy. I feel like a failure whenever I eat. After eating I have the negative feelings. So how on earth can I combine the two? It's virtually impossible. I feel weak if I give in to eating something extra. But it's what I need to do, to get better. Eating extra means listening to Fay, and she's the best. She is guiding me. But if she's so good then why will she make me feel like a failure? I want to be upbeat and positive today. I want it so badly. And I could be. Only if I don't eat from now until dinner. Then I feel strong and good, even though I have listened to Anna, which I know I shouldn't be doing..
How do I get my head around this? I really have not got a clue.
Will I try and listen to Fay today? Or will I give in to Anna?
On Thursday I listened to Anna.. I started off listening to Fay. I ate my yogurt and then I had a muesli bar. I also had to have an orange and then dinner. I was planning on having the orange, but I wanted it after dinner. I had some bread with a bit of fish for dinner and my stomach hurt so so bad, all night, that I just didn't have the orange. I couldn't put myself through it.. I know I was giving in to Anna which is not good at all, but it felt good at the same time.
Yesterday I listened to Fay. Yogurt, apple, dried fruit and toast. I ate the extra bits of food I was told to eat, by Diann.
Maybe if I just keep on rotating.. one day Fay and the other Anna? Or just for now? It's so hard. And I am already worrying about what is going to happen on Monday, when I go to Diann again. She will tell me eat another extra. I don't think I can hack it. So far, this week has been a struggle everyday, trying to eat my extras...
What am I going to do? I'm panicking about the road ahead and struggling trying to make sense out of it all and cannot see a way out.. It scares the hell out of me..
I don't know whether to make the most out of each day?
It's like every morning it's a choice I have to make.
Will I turn all these shitty feelings around today, or will I just give in to feeling like the piece of shit I am?
I know full well, how to turn a negative into a positive. And the frustrating thing is that I also know, that I CAN turn a negative into a positive. But do I really WANT to do this?
My positive and negative feelings will only be made stronger or weaker by what I eat.
If I want to be positive, I know that I cannot eat too much and I'll need to deprive myself of food. How can I be positive and eat at the same time? Because feeding myself doesn't make me feel happy. I feel like a failure whenever I eat. After eating I have the negative feelings. So how on earth can I combine the two? It's virtually impossible. I feel weak if I give in to eating something extra. But it's what I need to do, to get better. Eating extra means listening to Fay, and she's the best. She is guiding me. But if she's so good then why will she make me feel like a failure? I want to be upbeat and positive today. I want it so badly. And I could be. Only if I don't eat from now until dinner. Then I feel strong and good, even though I have listened to Anna, which I know I shouldn't be doing..
How do I get my head around this? I really have not got a clue.
Will I try and listen to Fay today? Or will I give in to Anna?
On Thursday I listened to Anna.. I started off listening to Fay. I ate my yogurt and then I had a muesli bar. I also had to have an orange and then dinner. I was planning on having the orange, but I wanted it after dinner. I had some bread with a bit of fish for dinner and my stomach hurt so so bad, all night, that I just didn't have the orange. I couldn't put myself through it.. I know I was giving in to Anna which is not good at all, but it felt good at the same time.
Yesterday I listened to Fay. Yogurt, apple, dried fruit and toast. I ate the extra bits of food I was told to eat, by Diann.
Maybe if I just keep on rotating.. one day Fay and the other Anna? Or just for now? It's so hard. And I am already worrying about what is going to happen on Monday, when I go to Diann again. She will tell me eat another extra. I don't think I can hack it. So far, this week has been a struggle everyday, trying to eat my extras...
What am I going to do? I'm panicking about the road ahead and struggling trying to make sense out of it all and cannot see a way out.. It scares the hell out of me..
Fantasizing and dreaming about food
My evenings are not like those of a typical 25-year-old...
I sit and watch the television. I think about food. The telly in on, but I'm not taking it in. I'm analyzing how much calories I have eaten and what I have done to burn what I have eaten.
I sit there, and because I haven't eaten enough, I start to feel and cooling sensation in my forehead, I start to feel dizzy and my legs are weak whenever I get up to pour myself some tea. This is the feeling I want, I tell myself. Glorious. Because now I am secretly pushing and punishing myself. I can feel the physical effects my eating patterns have on my body and I know I'm doing well.
The feeling the not eating enough gives you, in your head is like being high. Things pass you by, you don't care what goes on around. You don't feel adrenaline. This is because your brain is only supplied with adrenaline, when your body has been fed certain fats. I don't feel this, because I have been so good as to not eat any fatty food (except for my 5 nuts in my yogurt in the morning).
As I sit on the couch, I am thinking of my digestive system. Has the food been digested already, the 2 slices of toast I had for dinner? Then I am already thinking about what I am going to have to eat tomorrow. What will I have for dinner? What spices will I use. How extravagant can I make something, just to get the most satisfaction out of my dinner? More importantly, how much little will I let myself have for dinner? What time will I have my yogurt? This is crucial, because I don't let myself eat for 16 hours, between dinner and breakfast. So I must stay up late, so I will wake up later, and then I will let myself sit and enjoy my yogurt. I fantasize what flavor to have.. strawberry, vanilla, pineapple, peach or forest fruits? They all have the same amount of calories, so I don't have take that into consideration..thank god, one less thing to worry about.
As the night goes on, I feel dizzier and get a few more weird sensations in my head. But this doesn't matter. Because today I haven't starved myself. I ate 4 times (well, all this week anyway.. 1 yogurt, 1 apple, dried fruit and toast!!). I have done well. And I am still managing to feel like I'm pushing myself. This is great! But I don't have the energy to pop on the computer to browse or to email or to do other things that would otherwise keep me busy. I just have sit, like a zombie, because I have no energy. Conversation is minimal, because I'm just not bothered.
It's around 1 o clock in the morning. I drag myself to bed and give my best attempt to burn a few more calories before going to bed, I walk up the stairs with full force and brush my teeth for as long as possible.. this will also mean that I will be in bed 5 minutes later.. which again is better for in the morning.. I might sleep 5 minutes longer.. which means a slightly later breakfast.
I then lie in bed, read my book until the words start doing Irish jigs across the page, I switch off my light, I lie there in the dark, thinking about what I have eaten today. I don't feel too bad. But what will I feel tomorrow?
I listen to the slow beat of my heart. I feel the bone in my lower back sticking into the mattress, I put my arms around my ribs and tell myself I'm fat. Why? Because I can. There's nobody there that is controlling my thoughts. And to tell myself I'm fat will give me more strength to still be strict tomorrow.
Then I start to dream. My mother and sister Orla are feeding me snack-a-jacks. Orla gave me chocolate chips ones and my mother gave me cheese ones. I ate 2 whole packets. In my dream I then put on a sleeveless top (it was warm), and my arms were huge and I had put on 20 kilo's.
I wake up, and need a moment or two to realize that it was just nightmare.. I didn't really eat the 2 packets and thank god, I didn't put on any weight..
To me, it was a mystery as to why I always, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, think about food. What is wrong with me? This is stupid. I do be watching my daily soap on tv and someone is eating a burger.. I would be wanting to ask that person "What are you eating?", "Is it nice?"..
I said it to Diann "Why do I always think about food?". The reason for this is that the body has a built-in "system" to protect us from starvation. Once the brain is aware that the body isn't getting enough food, it starts to play "tricks" on us (to me, it's like the body is not being fair to me but other people need this system to work and they need to realize that the body is being starved). The brain knows that without food, it cannot function. So it is giving signs that will make you eat. And amongst these signs, are the constant urges to think, obsess and dream about food all day long, 24 hours a day. The brain is using the built-in "system", it has been put into action. That's why food is always on the brain. The body needs it, and that's how it tells us to eat.
Sometimes I wish my body didn't work like that. That would mean, I wouldn't need to eat and I could live a normal life. Would that not be the best? Maybe if I push it a little bit more, my body might get used to it? Or will I just be giving in by doing so?That's a question I know the answer to, but don't want to admit..
When will I start to see it? I wish I knew, but for the moment, tonight looks just as exciting as last night.. the hours on the couch fantasizing about food are already waiting..
I sit and watch the television. I think about food. The telly in on, but I'm not taking it in. I'm analyzing how much calories I have eaten and what I have done to burn what I have eaten.
I sit there, and because I haven't eaten enough, I start to feel and cooling sensation in my forehead, I start to feel dizzy and my legs are weak whenever I get up to pour myself some tea. This is the feeling I want, I tell myself. Glorious. Because now I am secretly pushing and punishing myself. I can feel the physical effects my eating patterns have on my body and I know I'm doing well.
The feeling the not eating enough gives you, in your head is like being high. Things pass you by, you don't care what goes on around. You don't feel adrenaline. This is because your brain is only supplied with adrenaline, when your body has been fed certain fats. I don't feel this, because I have been so good as to not eat any fatty food (except for my 5 nuts in my yogurt in the morning).
As I sit on the couch, I am thinking of my digestive system. Has the food been digested already, the 2 slices of toast I had for dinner? Then I am already thinking about what I am going to have to eat tomorrow. What will I have for dinner? What spices will I use. How extravagant can I make something, just to get the most satisfaction out of my dinner? More importantly, how much little will I let myself have for dinner? What time will I have my yogurt? This is crucial, because I don't let myself eat for 16 hours, between dinner and breakfast. So I must stay up late, so I will wake up later, and then I will let myself sit and enjoy my yogurt. I fantasize what flavor to have.. strawberry, vanilla, pineapple, peach or forest fruits? They all have the same amount of calories, so I don't have take that into consideration..thank god, one less thing to worry about.
As the night goes on, I feel dizzier and get a few more weird sensations in my head. But this doesn't matter. Because today I haven't starved myself. I ate 4 times (well, all this week anyway.. 1 yogurt, 1 apple, dried fruit and toast!!). I have done well. And I am still managing to feel like I'm pushing myself. This is great! But I don't have the energy to pop on the computer to browse or to email or to do other things that would otherwise keep me busy. I just have sit, like a zombie, because I have no energy. Conversation is minimal, because I'm just not bothered.
It's around 1 o clock in the morning. I drag myself to bed and give my best attempt to burn a few more calories before going to bed, I walk up the stairs with full force and brush my teeth for as long as possible.. this will also mean that I will be in bed 5 minutes later.. which again is better for in the morning.. I might sleep 5 minutes longer.. which means a slightly later breakfast.
I then lie in bed, read my book until the words start doing Irish jigs across the page, I switch off my light, I lie there in the dark, thinking about what I have eaten today. I don't feel too bad. But what will I feel tomorrow?
I listen to the slow beat of my heart. I feel the bone in my lower back sticking into the mattress, I put my arms around my ribs and tell myself I'm fat. Why? Because I can. There's nobody there that is controlling my thoughts. And to tell myself I'm fat will give me more strength to still be strict tomorrow.
Then I start to dream. My mother and sister Orla are feeding me snack-a-jacks. Orla gave me chocolate chips ones and my mother gave me cheese ones. I ate 2 whole packets. In my dream I then put on a sleeveless top (it was warm), and my arms were huge and I had put on 20 kilo's.
I wake up, and need a moment or two to realize that it was just nightmare.. I didn't really eat the 2 packets and thank god, I didn't put on any weight..
To me, it was a mystery as to why I always, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, think about food. What is wrong with me? This is stupid. I do be watching my daily soap on tv and someone is eating a burger.. I would be wanting to ask that person "What are you eating?", "Is it nice?"..
I said it to Diann "Why do I always think about food?". The reason for this is that the body has a built-in "system" to protect us from starvation. Once the brain is aware that the body isn't getting enough food, it starts to play "tricks" on us (to me, it's like the body is not being fair to me but other people need this system to work and they need to realize that the body is being starved). The brain knows that without food, it cannot function. So it is giving signs that will make you eat. And amongst these signs, are the constant urges to think, obsess and dream about food all day long, 24 hours a day. The brain is using the built-in "system", it has been put into action. That's why food is always on the brain. The body needs it, and that's how it tells us to eat.
Sometimes I wish my body didn't work like that. That would mean, I wouldn't need to eat and I could live a normal life. Would that not be the best? Maybe if I push it a little bit more, my body might get used to it? Or will I just be giving in by doing so?That's a question I know the answer to, but don't want to admit..
When will I start to see it? I wish I knew, but for the moment, tonight looks just as exciting as last night.. the hours on the couch fantasizing about food are already waiting..
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Sad and envious are the words today..
Yesterday, Wednesday the 16th.. a good day, feeling lighter after putting all that happened on Monday night into place, as much as possible.
Today, Thursday the 17th.. feeling sad and envious..
Feeling sad for doing this to myself. Feeling sad when I look in the mirror and ask myself how I look and hearing myself say "I look good, skinny, but fine, and I hope people are jealous when they look at me not having the tiniest bit of fat on my body". Feeling sad for only being in a good mood when I eat as little as possible and walk as far as possible. Feeling sad when I get up in the morning and spray on some perfume, there isn't a reason for it. Feeling sad that the highlight of my day is reading my book. Feeling sad that my life had to take this turn. Feeling sad that I feel the need to punish myself all the time. Feeling sad that I don't feel like I deserve anything. Feeling sad that my physical health is suffering due to my negative willpower. Feeling sad that I have to admit that I'm anorexic.
Feeling envious whenever I look at television and people are enjoying food. Feeling envious of people who get up to go to work every morning. Feeling envious whenever I look at my beautiful little sister who glows and is in the prime of her life. Feeling envious that people can sit down and have 2 slices of toast and finish it within 5 minutes and then get on with their lives. Feeling envious of people who feel they deserve to have a proper dinner. Feeling envious of the people who have overcome this illness.
Whenever I wake in the morning, the question goes through my head.. "Will today be a struggle?", "Am I weaker than yesterday?", "Or have I just slept too long which is making me lazy?". I count the hours I have slept. If I have slept more than 8 hours, I don't like to eat straight away. I like to wait a few hours longer, or I will just eat less if I'm feeling weak. This is because I have been good to myself by sleeping so long, that I now don't need to be good to myself by eating. But I know how wrong this is.
I am then, without being aware of it, am listening to Anna. She is depriving me of food. It feels good whenever I listen to her. I feel strong. She will help push me those extra hours without food or she will tell me to have half the amount of yogurt I had yesterday. I know Fay would tell me to have the same amount of yogurt as yesterday, preferably more if I can manage it. But I listened to Anna. If I listen to Fay, I feel awful. I like the feeling that I can throw away half of my breakfast without anyone realizing and then being physically able to go for at least an hours' walk. This to me is a sense of achievement. I'm strong. I'm fit. I look good. I have energy after eating a spoonfuls of yogurt with exactly 5 nuts and some seeds. Anna is there making me ask myself why I should need this food and why should I need to eat a full bowl of yogurt with as many nuts as I would love (this is my most favorite food in the world.. nuts of any kind.. so if I can resist them, I am strong). I answer her, and I find myself agreeing with her. I can live on air. Why should a person need 3 meals a day? What's the point?
I have these things that I tell myself day in day out, or Anna is whispering them in my ear: "The weight you don't put on, you don't have to loose", "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", "You are what you eat".. These help me stay strong and they help me to resist the temptations of eating anything and enjoying anything the way other people do. I don't deserve to enjoy a full meal. I have nothing whatsoever that indicates me deserving an Indian curry (I am drooling at the thoughts of how delicious this food is).
Life is balanced out, they say. You have people who are poor and rich. You have people who are black and white. You have people who are good and bad. And then you have people who deserve food and people who don't deserve food. It's the luck of the draw, how unfair it may seem, but I am the one doesn't deserve food. Everyone close to me, far from me, everyone else in the whole world I love to see them eating, because they deserve it and I want them to savor every bite so so much. If I had my way, I would feed the entire world and I would sit and watch, drooling, mouthwatering and starving at the same time. How great am I to be able to resist this? I know I could, easily. Not a problem. It would make me feel the strongest woman on the planet and I would love it.
All this, is Anna. I am well aware of that. But I can't help it. It's how I feel, it's wrong. It makes me so sad because of the fact that I know how bad it is for me give into starvation. I have too much negative willpower. Too much discipline. It is so dangerous and bad for me to have willpower. The negative willpower listens to Anna and this part of me to be disciplined to. The positive willpower listens to Fay and this like obeying you mother, when you are small, by going to bed on time (you really don't want to, but you know you have to). She will tell me to eat as much Indian curry and nuts as I want. But I don't know if I can listen to her. It's hard and it takes up my energy, energy I don't have at the moment because Anna has been getting her way.
It's a constant battle between Anna and Fay. I'm sometimes not sure who I have been listening to and who is making me feel better on the inside. Anna tells me to walk, so I do and I feel good. Fay tells me to eat a proper bowl of yogurt, so I do but I feel fat, full and disgusting straight afterwards until the energy the food gives me in released into my body and then I feel good.
I'm not sure who makes me feel better. I'm not sure who to listen to. I don't want to be in bad mood all the time, because I have been listening to Fay, because she fills me up and makes me feel disgusting. I will be a nightmare to live with if I constantly listen to Fay. Maybe I can use that as an excuse.. Just listen to Anna, to give my mother some peace?
Again, the wrong conclusion Niamh..
My doctor Siobhan said to me.. You can take the right road or the wrong road. The right road is the hard road.. The right road is listening to Fay and not letting Anna win this fight. I know it all too well. But I cannot seem to want to or care to or realize why I have to.
Today, Thursday the 17th.. feeling sad and envious..
Feeling sad for doing this to myself. Feeling sad when I look in the mirror and ask myself how I look and hearing myself say "I look good, skinny, but fine, and I hope people are jealous when they look at me not having the tiniest bit of fat on my body". Feeling sad for only being in a good mood when I eat as little as possible and walk as far as possible. Feeling sad when I get up in the morning and spray on some perfume, there isn't a reason for it. Feeling sad that the highlight of my day is reading my book. Feeling sad that my life had to take this turn. Feeling sad that I feel the need to punish myself all the time. Feeling sad that I don't feel like I deserve anything. Feeling sad that my physical health is suffering due to my negative willpower. Feeling sad that I have to admit that I'm anorexic.
Feeling envious whenever I look at television and people are enjoying food. Feeling envious of people who get up to go to work every morning. Feeling envious whenever I look at my beautiful little sister who glows and is in the prime of her life. Feeling envious that people can sit down and have 2 slices of toast and finish it within 5 minutes and then get on with their lives. Feeling envious of people who feel they deserve to have a proper dinner. Feeling envious of the people who have overcome this illness.
Whenever I wake in the morning, the question goes through my head.. "Will today be a struggle?", "Am I weaker than yesterday?", "Or have I just slept too long which is making me lazy?". I count the hours I have slept. If I have slept more than 8 hours, I don't like to eat straight away. I like to wait a few hours longer, or I will just eat less if I'm feeling weak. This is because I have been good to myself by sleeping so long, that I now don't need to be good to myself by eating. But I know how wrong this is.
I am then, without being aware of it, am listening to Anna. She is depriving me of food. It feels good whenever I listen to her. I feel strong. She will help push me those extra hours without food or she will tell me to have half the amount of yogurt I had yesterday. I know Fay would tell me to have the same amount of yogurt as yesterday, preferably more if I can manage it. But I listened to Anna. If I listen to Fay, I feel awful. I like the feeling that I can throw away half of my breakfast without anyone realizing and then being physically able to go for at least an hours' walk. This to me is a sense of achievement. I'm strong. I'm fit. I look good. I have energy after eating a spoonfuls of yogurt with exactly 5 nuts and some seeds. Anna is there making me ask myself why I should need this food and why should I need to eat a full bowl of yogurt with as many nuts as I would love (this is my most favorite food in the world.. nuts of any kind.. so if I can resist them, I am strong). I answer her, and I find myself agreeing with her. I can live on air. Why should a person need 3 meals a day? What's the point?
I have these things that I tell myself day in day out, or Anna is whispering them in my ear: "The weight you don't put on, you don't have to loose", "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", "You are what you eat".. These help me stay strong and they help me to resist the temptations of eating anything and enjoying anything the way other people do. I don't deserve to enjoy a full meal. I have nothing whatsoever that indicates me deserving an Indian curry (I am drooling at the thoughts of how delicious this food is).
Life is balanced out, they say. You have people who are poor and rich. You have people who are black and white. You have people who are good and bad. And then you have people who deserve food and people who don't deserve food. It's the luck of the draw, how unfair it may seem, but I am the one doesn't deserve food. Everyone close to me, far from me, everyone else in the whole world I love to see them eating, because they deserve it and I want them to savor every bite so so much. If I had my way, I would feed the entire world and I would sit and watch, drooling, mouthwatering and starving at the same time. How great am I to be able to resist this? I know I could, easily. Not a problem. It would make me feel the strongest woman on the planet and I would love it.
All this, is Anna. I am well aware of that. But I can't help it. It's how I feel, it's wrong. It makes me so sad because of the fact that I know how bad it is for me give into starvation. I have too much negative willpower. Too much discipline. It is so dangerous and bad for me to have willpower. The negative willpower listens to Anna and this part of me to be disciplined to. The positive willpower listens to Fay and this like obeying you mother, when you are small, by going to bed on time (you really don't want to, but you know you have to). She will tell me to eat as much Indian curry and nuts as I want. But I don't know if I can listen to her. It's hard and it takes up my energy, energy I don't have at the moment because Anna has been getting her way.
It's a constant battle between Anna and Fay. I'm sometimes not sure who I have been listening to and who is making me feel better on the inside. Anna tells me to walk, so I do and I feel good. Fay tells me to eat a proper bowl of yogurt, so I do but I feel fat, full and disgusting straight afterwards until the energy the food gives me in released into my body and then I feel good.
I'm not sure who makes me feel better. I'm not sure who to listen to. I don't want to be in bad mood all the time, because I have been listening to Fay, because she fills me up and makes me feel disgusting. I will be a nightmare to live with if I constantly listen to Fay. Maybe I can use that as an excuse.. Just listen to Anna, to give my mother some peace?
Again, the wrong conclusion Niamh..
My doctor Siobhan said to me.. You can take the right road or the wrong road. The right road is the hard road.. The right road is listening to Fay and not letting Anna win this fight. I know it all too well. But I cannot seem to want to or care to or realize why I have to.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
How my eyes have been opened..
My second session with my therapist Diann.
Again, nerves started to arise while we were driving down in the car. What was waiting for me this week? Would it be difficult or will I just have to talk about how my past week has gone?
I sat there, started telling her about my past week, about the bad days mainly.. She wanted to know how I was feeling when I ate, what I ate.. The whole banana fiasco was talked about. And as I was sitting there.. I'm listening to what she was saying, agreeing.. paying attention. But at the same time.. I was off in my own world. I just sat there.. I just couldn't seem to see what the problem was. Then she asked me: "Does it still feel like this is happening to someone else?" (last week that was how I felt). That's when she hit the nail on the head.. That's exactly how to describe how I felt at that moment in time. I was just sitting, in my own world, like a zombie, wondering what all the fuss is about. There's nothing wrong with me. Everybody is exaggerating this.. There isn't a problem and this isn't me..
That's probably when I really started to open up. The main thing in this session was that Diann was trying to make me realize that this really is happening to me, and that I am ill and that it is real. She tried to make me see the effects this is having on my health and on my life. To be honest, it was scary..
I cannot seem to see to seriousness of this disease. And not until I do, will I be able to start getting better.
My health and body are in serious danger. My weight is now.. 32kilos.. She was telling me the medical risks.. I'm in danger of having osteoporosis (brittle bones that ladies can develop once they have passed the menopause.. because I don't have my periods, I'm also in danger of developing this, once the damage is done, you cannot recover), Kidney failure, my brain could have shrunk because it's not receiving enough calories to function properly which makes me moody, irritable, indecisive, forgetful, feeling like I'm high on a regular basis, not being able to focus.. My muscle tissue is getting less and less, because my body has no calories to "eat" off, so my body eats off my muscles.. My heart is under extreme strain (I still need to have the heart scan done, to see if it all ok). At night I cannot lie on my back too long, because my bones are sticking out and it hurts like hell. These are just a few physical problems.. As well as not being able to digest foods (it takes me an hour to eat a yogurt with some nuts in the morning and my stomach hurts for at least an hour afterwards..).
You can imagine how hard it was for me to sit there and listen to her telling me all this.. that this illness has gone so far and I have gotten so ill.. I couldn't really believe that she was talking about me.
All I could say was that It really doesn't scare me when I stand on the weighing scales and it tells me I've lost another 0.5 kilo. It just seems fine..
She then wanted me to see how my mental health.. my "life" (if that's what you could call it at the moment) has been effected.. Because all I kept saying and thinking was.. What's the big deal? What's the fuss? I'm not sick, and I feel fine. Then she opened up my eyes, yet again.. She asked me questions, such as: "If you're fine, why aren't you working?".. "If you're fine, why did you leave your life in Holland behind, when you don't want to be in Ireland?".. "If you're fine, why are you back at home living with your mammy?".. "If you're fine, why can't you run up the stairs, like you used to do?".. "If you're fine, why do you think about food 24 hours a day?".. "If you're fine, why are we sitting here and shouldn't I have told you last week that there was nothing wrong with you?".. "If you're fine, why did you doctor refer you to the hospital in Dublin?".. Well, what could I say to these questions.. I could only conclude that I'm not fine and that this illness is what I'm dealing with, it is me, and I am ill..
I had to tell Diann, what this illness has stolen from me.. What has this b***h Anna (if you have read my previous post, this is what my illness is now called) taken from me.. She has taken my independence.. I'm a 25 year old woman living back with my mother, and feeling like a little 5 year old child again.. She has taken my dreams.. my dream to go traveling in November, she stole it from me. How dare she? Who does she think she is? She has taken my spirit and she has isolated me from the world. She has taken my confidence..
I had to tell Diann, how my life would be if Anna was gone.. if she wasn't there anymore.. I would be my bubbly self, I would be confident, I would be traveling, I would be working and earning my own money, I would be wearing different bright and outrageous clothes, from the adult department and I would be able to have a beer and pizza without feeling guilty. I would get great pleasure out of the tiniest little things in life that other people see as normal.. I would experience life again.. Because at the moment, after last night, I can conclude, I am not living.. I'm only existing..
I had to tell Diann, on a scale of 1 to 10, how able I am to get better and on a scale of 1 to 10 of how much I want to get better. So my ability and my desire to get better. This was hard. I wanted to say 10 points for both. But I couldn't, I had to be honest. Usually..(the Niamh that is tucked away, somewhere hidden underneath an obsession for food) I would have said: ability, 10!! I have always said that I can do anything I put my mind to, anything I do, I do 100%! But I said 6 points. Then my desire.. so, how much do I want to get better? Usually I would have said 10 points! If getting my health back, means getting my life back, then there is no question. But I couldn't. I gave it a 6 as well. Diann said that I was being a little unrealistic. She gave me 5 points for both. Which is probably right.
With this conclusion, we tried to discuss what we help to me, to raise the points? What will motivate me to want to get better? Of course.. Traveling.. How will I motivate myself? I suggested visualizing. This means, training yourself to create your own dreams, your own future. So if you can vividly experience in your mind, what you want out of life, you can make it happen. It's a long process. But traveling would be the one thing at the moment that will push me to get better.. Experience everything I have ever wanted to.. Living life to the full.. making my dreams a reality.. But it seems like a lifetime away, it seems out of reach at the moment.. The road seems so so long...
What I took from this session, I cannot describe..
I hope that I will slowly start to realize the seriousness of my present state of health. If I don't, getting better is out of the question.. Once I realize this, I can fight it and that will only be the start of my recovery because once I start to get better I now know that I will first get a lot lot worse.
When I do start to eventually put on weight, I will be feeling awful.. That will be the hardest part of it all. People will see me and think.. "God, Niamh is looking great, she must be a lot better".. But on the inside I will be feeling worse than I do at this moment in time.
It hit home last night, just how hard this is going to be. Sometimes I think I do know that it will be hard, but I really don't have a clue. And hearing so much of what Diann was saying last night, scared me to death. If I manage to beat the worst of this in 6 months, I will be doing extremely well.. And that scares me..
--------------------------------------
P.S.
Next Monday I have my next appointment. I have to eat something extra now everyday, as well as what I have been eating last week. So not only an extra piece of fruit, but also a muesli bar. I have to exercise less (the past weeks I have been walking around 1.5 hours a day and doing yoga 4 times a week), I have to just let my body "be"
I have also noticed that peoples' reactions are: "When are you going into hospital?bla bla bla..", which makes me feel like, if I'm not in hospital that I'm really not that ill.. But, to me, that just proves that nobody really knows the extent of this illness.. I don't want people to think that I'm making a big deal about nothing. If they do, I feel like I have to force myself to get sicker sicker and eat less and less, just to prove a point. But that is the worst thing in the world. To go into hospital would mean being "re-fed".. so you are treated like a baby who needs to learn how to eat, on a drip, pumping food into you, just to keep you alive. And when it comes to that stage, you have given into the illness.. you cannot survive by yourself.. at the moment I can survive by myself, with my ma's and Diann's help.. So I ask you, please do not think that I'm okay just because I am not hocked up to a drip, in a psychiatric hospital.. It's not fair. So please stop asking me when I'm going into hospital and don't expect me to put on weight within 2 weeks of being back in Ireland, because for a body to put on weight, in any case (and now I'm not talking about anorexics, but in general), doesn't happen overnight.. so with me it won't happen overnight either..
I know it's hard for people to understand and I also know I shouldn't care what people think.. but I just want the people close to me to understand that me not going into hospital, doesn't mean that I'm fine.. Because I am far from it. I beg of you to see this, I worry about this, I don't why, and I really don't want to have to have this worry along with fighting this illness. I know you will all see what I mean and I Thank you so much for your understanding ... love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Again, nerves started to arise while we were driving down in the car. What was waiting for me this week? Would it be difficult or will I just have to talk about how my past week has gone?
I sat there, started telling her about my past week, about the bad days mainly.. She wanted to know how I was feeling when I ate, what I ate.. The whole banana fiasco was talked about. And as I was sitting there.. I'm listening to what she was saying, agreeing.. paying attention. But at the same time.. I was off in my own world. I just sat there.. I just couldn't seem to see what the problem was. Then she asked me: "Does it still feel like this is happening to someone else?" (last week that was how I felt). That's when she hit the nail on the head.. That's exactly how to describe how I felt at that moment in time. I was just sitting, in my own world, like a zombie, wondering what all the fuss is about. There's nothing wrong with me. Everybody is exaggerating this.. There isn't a problem and this isn't me..
That's probably when I really started to open up. The main thing in this session was that Diann was trying to make me realize that this really is happening to me, and that I am ill and that it is real. She tried to make me see the effects this is having on my health and on my life. To be honest, it was scary..
I cannot seem to see to seriousness of this disease. And not until I do, will I be able to start getting better.
My health and body are in serious danger. My weight is now.. 32kilos.. She was telling me the medical risks.. I'm in danger of having osteoporosis (brittle bones that ladies can develop once they have passed the menopause.. because I don't have my periods, I'm also in danger of developing this, once the damage is done, you cannot recover), Kidney failure, my brain could have shrunk because it's not receiving enough calories to function properly which makes me moody, irritable, indecisive, forgetful, feeling like I'm high on a regular basis, not being able to focus.. My muscle tissue is getting less and less, because my body has no calories to "eat" off, so my body eats off my muscles.. My heart is under extreme strain (I still need to have the heart scan done, to see if it all ok). At night I cannot lie on my back too long, because my bones are sticking out and it hurts like hell. These are just a few physical problems.. As well as not being able to digest foods (it takes me an hour to eat a yogurt with some nuts in the morning and my stomach hurts for at least an hour afterwards..).
You can imagine how hard it was for me to sit there and listen to her telling me all this.. that this illness has gone so far and I have gotten so ill.. I couldn't really believe that she was talking about me.
All I could say was that It really doesn't scare me when I stand on the weighing scales and it tells me I've lost another 0.5 kilo. It just seems fine..
She then wanted me to see how my mental health.. my "life" (if that's what you could call it at the moment) has been effected.. Because all I kept saying and thinking was.. What's the big deal? What's the fuss? I'm not sick, and I feel fine. Then she opened up my eyes, yet again.. She asked me questions, such as: "If you're fine, why aren't you working?".. "If you're fine, why did you leave your life in Holland behind, when you don't want to be in Ireland?".. "If you're fine, why are you back at home living with your mammy?".. "If you're fine, why can't you run up the stairs, like you used to do?".. "If you're fine, why do you think about food 24 hours a day?".. "If you're fine, why are we sitting here and shouldn't I have told you last week that there was nothing wrong with you?".. "If you're fine, why did you doctor refer you to the hospital in Dublin?".. Well, what could I say to these questions.. I could only conclude that I'm not fine and that this illness is what I'm dealing with, it is me, and I am ill..
I had to tell Diann, what this illness has stolen from me.. What has this b***h Anna (if you have read my previous post, this is what my illness is now called) taken from me.. She has taken my independence.. I'm a 25 year old woman living back with my mother, and feeling like a little 5 year old child again.. She has taken my dreams.. my dream to go traveling in November, she stole it from me. How dare she? Who does she think she is? She has taken my spirit and she has isolated me from the world. She has taken my confidence..
I had to tell Diann, how my life would be if Anna was gone.. if she wasn't there anymore.. I would be my bubbly self, I would be confident, I would be traveling, I would be working and earning my own money, I would be wearing different bright and outrageous clothes, from the adult department and I would be able to have a beer and pizza without feeling guilty. I would get great pleasure out of the tiniest little things in life that other people see as normal.. I would experience life again.. Because at the moment, after last night, I can conclude, I am not living.. I'm only existing..
I had to tell Diann, on a scale of 1 to 10, how able I am to get better and on a scale of 1 to 10 of how much I want to get better. So my ability and my desire to get better. This was hard. I wanted to say 10 points for both. But I couldn't, I had to be honest. Usually..(the Niamh that is tucked away, somewhere hidden underneath an obsession for food) I would have said: ability, 10!! I have always said that I can do anything I put my mind to, anything I do, I do 100%! But I said 6 points. Then my desire.. so, how much do I want to get better? Usually I would have said 10 points! If getting my health back, means getting my life back, then there is no question. But I couldn't. I gave it a 6 as well. Diann said that I was being a little unrealistic. She gave me 5 points for both. Which is probably right.
With this conclusion, we tried to discuss what we help to me, to raise the points? What will motivate me to want to get better? Of course.. Traveling.. How will I motivate myself? I suggested visualizing. This means, training yourself to create your own dreams, your own future. So if you can vividly experience in your mind, what you want out of life, you can make it happen. It's a long process. But traveling would be the one thing at the moment that will push me to get better.. Experience everything I have ever wanted to.. Living life to the full.. making my dreams a reality.. But it seems like a lifetime away, it seems out of reach at the moment.. The road seems so so long...
What I took from this session, I cannot describe..
I hope that I will slowly start to realize the seriousness of my present state of health. If I don't, getting better is out of the question.. Once I realize this, I can fight it and that will only be the start of my recovery because once I start to get better I now know that I will first get a lot lot worse.
When I do start to eventually put on weight, I will be feeling awful.. That will be the hardest part of it all. People will see me and think.. "God, Niamh is looking great, she must be a lot better".. But on the inside I will be feeling worse than I do at this moment in time.
It hit home last night, just how hard this is going to be. Sometimes I think I do know that it will be hard, but I really don't have a clue. And hearing so much of what Diann was saying last night, scared me to death. If I manage to beat the worst of this in 6 months, I will be doing extremely well.. And that scares me..
--------------------------------------
P.S.
Next Monday I have my next appointment. I have to eat something extra now everyday, as well as what I have been eating last week. So not only an extra piece of fruit, but also a muesli bar. I have to exercise less (the past weeks I have been walking around 1.5 hours a day and doing yoga 4 times a week), I have to just let my body "be"
I have also noticed that peoples' reactions are: "When are you going into hospital?bla bla bla..", which makes me feel like, if I'm not in hospital that I'm really not that ill.. But, to me, that just proves that nobody really knows the extent of this illness.. I don't want people to think that I'm making a big deal about nothing. If they do, I feel like I have to force myself to get sicker sicker and eat less and less, just to prove a point. But that is the worst thing in the world. To go into hospital would mean being "re-fed".. so you are treated like a baby who needs to learn how to eat, on a drip, pumping food into you, just to keep you alive. And when it comes to that stage, you have given into the illness.. you cannot survive by yourself.. at the moment I can survive by myself, with my ma's and Diann's help.. So I ask you, please do not think that I'm okay just because I am not hocked up to a drip, in a psychiatric hospital.. It's not fair. So please stop asking me when I'm going into hospital and don't expect me to put on weight within 2 weeks of being back in Ireland, because for a body to put on weight, in any case (and now I'm not talking about anorexics, but in general), doesn't happen overnight.. so with me it won't happen overnight either..
I know it's hard for people to understand and I also know I shouldn't care what people think.. but I just want the people close to me to understand that me not going into hospital, doesn't mean that I'm fine.. Because I am far from it. I beg of you to see this, I worry about this, I don't why, and I really don't want to have to have this worry along with fighting this illness. I know you will all see what I mean and I Thank you so much for your understanding ... love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx
A is for Anna and F is for Fay
Two characters have been playing a role in my life for months and months.. only now am I aware of these characters and I have only recently been properly introduced..
Dealing with this illness, I have been advised by Diann my therapist, to see it as a person.. See it as the devil sitting on your shoulder, see it as the voice inside your head. Don't see it as "myself" being this illness. Because I am not the illness itself. It has happened to me, and makes me behave in such ways that I'm now in a life threatening situation.. I should not be stamped with "Anorexic".
Seeing this disease as a person.. I shall call her Anna.. A person who tells me to punish myself, a person who tells me too deprive my body from food, a person who tells me that I'm fat, a person who forces me to weigh myself constantly, a person who hates my body, a person that will push and push me and will never be satisfied until I die. Anna will get stronger the more I listen to her. She has now got me in her claws. Once I was able to control her, but now I am slowly losing control. When this happens, when Anna is controlling my body, I will loose weight and deteriorate without wanting to and then I will be in serious serious trouble. Today I discovered I have lost another kilo. That's when I thought: Oh no, has it happened? Has she now got her viscous nails into me and taken over my body?, I didn't want to loose that kilo.. how did that happen? I have eaten today!!
This only happens when Anna takes over. She won't be satisfied until I have pushed myself as far as I can go. And how far can a person go? Below 30 kilo's and still not think it's enough? When will it be enough? When I'm being fed through a drip in hospital? When my organs start to fail? When I die?
Anna will never be pleased with how far she can push me. On bad days, she'll push me and I will listen to her.. I will not want to eat. She will be there, on my shoulder, giving out to me, for eating a yogurt.
On good days, I will be able to resist her voice and not listen to her and I will be strong. I will listen to myself.. I will call this voice Fay. She will be my guardian angle. She will tell me I deserve food, I need food and I am allowed to enjoy food. She will tell me that I choose life over death. She will remind me of what's important in life. She will remind me of the person I used to be, when I had a healthy normal lifestyle. She will remind me that to have the life I want and the experiences I want to have, I need to sit and eat. I need to ignore Anna. I need to listen to Fay. Fay will always be there, but Anna is overpowering. She's a bully.. Her voice is a lot louder than Fays'..
Right now, at this moment, I choose Fay over Anna. I choose life over death..
Dealing with this illness, I have been advised by Diann my therapist, to see it as a person.. See it as the devil sitting on your shoulder, see it as the voice inside your head. Don't see it as "myself" being this illness. Because I am not the illness itself. It has happened to me, and makes me behave in such ways that I'm now in a life threatening situation.. I should not be stamped with "Anorexic".
Seeing this disease as a person.. I shall call her Anna.. A person who tells me to punish myself, a person who tells me too deprive my body from food, a person who tells me that I'm fat, a person who forces me to weigh myself constantly, a person who hates my body, a person that will push and push me and will never be satisfied until I die. Anna will get stronger the more I listen to her. She has now got me in her claws. Once I was able to control her, but now I am slowly losing control. When this happens, when Anna is controlling my body, I will loose weight and deteriorate without wanting to and then I will be in serious serious trouble. Today I discovered I have lost another kilo. That's when I thought: Oh no, has it happened? Has she now got her viscous nails into me and taken over my body?, I didn't want to loose that kilo.. how did that happen? I have eaten today!!
This only happens when Anna takes over. She won't be satisfied until I have pushed myself as far as I can go. And how far can a person go? Below 30 kilo's and still not think it's enough? When will it be enough? When I'm being fed through a drip in hospital? When my organs start to fail? When I die?
Anna will never be pleased with how far she can push me. On bad days, she'll push me and I will listen to her.. I will not want to eat. She will be there, on my shoulder, giving out to me, for eating a yogurt.
On good days, I will be able to resist her voice and not listen to her and I will be strong. I will listen to myself.. I will call this voice Fay. She will be my guardian angle. She will tell me I deserve food, I need food and I am allowed to enjoy food. She will tell me that I choose life over death. She will remind me of what's important in life. She will remind me of the person I used to be, when I had a healthy normal lifestyle. She will remind me that to have the life I want and the experiences I want to have, I need to sit and eat. I need to ignore Anna. I need to listen to Fay. Fay will always be there, but Anna is overpowering. She's a bully.. Her voice is a lot louder than Fays'..
Right now, at this moment, I choose Fay over Anna. I choose life over death..
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Am I alone in the world?
How can a person with so much support feel so alone in the world?
Is there a reason? Is it punishment? Is it a case of needing more attention? Or is it isolation?
I feel like it's just me against the world. I feel so alone and I don't know why. I have my family around me, but I still can't shake this feeling of just being alone.. I don't want to be alone, the world seems such a scary place when you're alone..
I miss my life, I miss my friends, I even miss my job..
I miss my independence, I miss parties, I miss socializing..
I miss my sisters in Holland, my mates in Holland, I miss my room in Holland..
Alot of people don't seem to reaslise that it's not just me with this illness, and needing to get better. Other sufferers still have their "normal" lives.. But me? Of course not, nothing is as easy as that, when it comes to me. Everything has to be complicated. Why couldn't the doctor just say "Niamh, you've got anorexia, go back to holland, go to therapy, continue your normal life and give it time". That would have been so much easier. But, oh no.. Instead.. she said "Niamh, leave your whole life behind in Holland, your job, your friends, your life, move to a country you really don't wanna be, where you have no contacts, no friends, for at least 6 months, you're not allowed to work or exercise, just focus getting through the biggest challenge you will probably ever have to deal in your whole entire life".. Why did my beloved doctor have to say that to me? Why? Punishment.. As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm punishing myself all day by this anorexic behaviour, oh no, I have to be punished just a little bit more.. Push Niamh even further, see how far she can go, before loosing her mind, before going insane, before she says "Now I have totally had enough".. Why why why?
It's so not fair. I want my life back, now.. right here, right now.. Can someone get me on a plane out of this country? Well, is there anybody who will do that for me? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
And do you know the worst thing about it.. No one understands.. There isn't even anyone who understands how sh*t and hard this illness is and how complex it is..so there certainly isn't going to be anyone who understands what the whole "package" involves.. Throwing my life away, just to get better.. To give you an idea, think of your worst fear ever.. something that you would have nightmares about and then think of being locked away for an uncertain amount of time.. Add these two together and you might be able to start to relate as to how I feel..
I'm sick of trying to be positive and how good it is that i'm doing all this.. because it really doesn't feel all that good right now.
I love everyone of you that has been offering me support that past few weeks, I cannot begin to tell you and I love me Ma so much for always being there for me.. But it's hard to happy when really I'm miserable..
Is there a reason? Is it punishment? Is it a case of needing more attention? Or is it isolation?
I feel like it's just me against the world. I feel so alone and I don't know why. I have my family around me, but I still can't shake this feeling of just being alone.. I don't want to be alone, the world seems such a scary place when you're alone..
I miss my life, I miss my friends, I even miss my job..
I miss my independence, I miss parties, I miss socializing..
I miss my sisters in Holland, my mates in Holland, I miss my room in Holland..
Alot of people don't seem to reaslise that it's not just me with this illness, and needing to get better. Other sufferers still have their "normal" lives.. But me? Of course not, nothing is as easy as that, when it comes to me. Everything has to be complicated. Why couldn't the doctor just say "Niamh, you've got anorexia, go back to holland, go to therapy, continue your normal life and give it time". That would have been so much easier. But, oh no.. Instead.. she said "Niamh, leave your whole life behind in Holland, your job, your friends, your life, move to a country you really don't wanna be, where you have no contacts, no friends, for at least 6 months, you're not allowed to work or exercise, just focus getting through the biggest challenge you will probably ever have to deal in your whole entire life".. Why did my beloved doctor have to say that to me? Why? Punishment.. As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm punishing myself all day by this anorexic behaviour, oh no, I have to be punished just a little bit more.. Push Niamh even further, see how far she can go, before loosing her mind, before going insane, before she says "Now I have totally had enough".. Why why why?
It's so not fair. I want my life back, now.. right here, right now.. Can someone get me on a plane out of this country? Well, is there anybody who will do that for me? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
And do you know the worst thing about it.. No one understands.. There isn't even anyone who understands how sh*t and hard this illness is and how complex it is..so there certainly isn't going to be anyone who understands what the whole "package" involves.. Throwing my life away, just to get better.. To give you an idea, think of your worst fear ever.. something that you would have nightmares about and then think of being locked away for an uncertain amount of time.. Add these two together and you might be able to start to relate as to how I feel..
I'm sick of trying to be positive and how good it is that i'm doing all this.. because it really doesn't feel all that good right now.
I love everyone of you that has been offering me support that past few weeks, I cannot begin to tell you and I love me Ma so much for always being there for me.. But it's hard to happy when really I'm miserable..
Partners in crime..
I have this friend, that nobody knows about.. Let me introduce "him"..
We have a date every morning, around 9 o clock. Sometimes if I'm feeling down, I'll meet "him" during the day, sometimes even at night.. which is asking for trouble.
My weight at the moment, I haven't yet told you. To do so, would be like a confession.. I would have to be so honest and it would be like letting everyone in.. I would be taking down all the "barriers".. Because it's my own "thing". I can't bring myself to be honest about it. The only people who know at the moment are my mother and the doctor.. and that's enough for now..
It's like my companion, my friend, my "partner in crime"... "Me, my weight and I".. "It's "him" and I against the world.." When the day comes that I will be able to be honest about the lowest my weight has ever gotten, then I know I will have "split-up" . I will have ended the "relationship", I will have "dumped" that awful friend. This so-called "friend", who has a bad influence on me and gets me high whenever "he's" kind to me, and whenever I have control over "him"..
A "friend" who forces me to do abuse my body, the most precious thing in the world.. Who needs a "friend" like that? I know I don't, but saying goodbye to someone who has formed such a large part in your life, no matter how bad this "friend" can make you feel, can be the hardest thing to do in the world..
So for now, I cannot let "him" go.. I know the longer you leave the break-up, the harder it gets, because you get more and more attached. But it is far too soon to even think about letting go.. Please, just let "him" comfort me for just a little bit longer.. I will treasure the time we have left together..
We have a date every morning, around 9 o clock. Sometimes if I'm feeling down, I'll meet "him" during the day, sometimes even at night.. which is asking for trouble.
My weight at the moment, I haven't yet told you. To do so, would be like a confession.. I would have to be so honest and it would be like letting everyone in.. I would be taking down all the "barriers".. Because it's my own "thing". I can't bring myself to be honest about it. The only people who know at the moment are my mother and the doctor.. and that's enough for now..
It's like my companion, my friend, my "partner in crime"... "Me, my weight and I".. "It's "him" and I against the world.." When the day comes that I will be able to be honest about the lowest my weight has ever gotten, then I know I will have "split-up" . I will have ended the "relationship", I will have "dumped" that awful friend. This so-called "friend", who has a bad influence on me and gets me high whenever "he's" kind to me, and whenever I have control over "him"..
A "friend" who forces me to do abuse my body, the most precious thing in the world.. Who needs a "friend" like that? I know I don't, but saying goodbye to someone who has formed such a large part in your life, no matter how bad this "friend" can make you feel, can be the hardest thing to do in the world..
So for now, I cannot let "him" go.. I know the longer you leave the break-up, the harder it gets, because you get more and more attached. But it is far too soon to even think about letting go.. Please, just let "him" comfort me for just a little bit longer.. I will treasure the time we have left together..
Why are they staring?
Why are they staring?
What's the big deal?
What's their problem?
I'm normal, now look the other way please!
That can be so frustrating. Being in a pub for instance, you get up to go to the loo, and the looks.. Constantly. Sometimes they even stare.. Why? What is it that causes these people to stare? Is it maybe the fact that my hair is different than all the other girls? That's what I reckon. Or, that's what I tell myself. I don't see what other people see. I don't have a complex about how I look. I'm not skinny, I'm normal..
If I were to be honest with myself, I know why they are looking and why they are staring. But admitting it, wouldn't that give me a complex and make me selfconsious? Who needs to have a complex about how they look, when they've already got enough sh*t to deal with? I don't. Which probably sounds like I'm contradicting myself. I hear you think "Niamh must already have a complex to develop this illness, why else would a person want to be skinny and be scared of putting on weight?".
It's crazy isn't it. But I don't have a complex, as long as I don't admit to why people stare..
I asked my mother last night.. "Why do people stare?".. She told me exactly why.. "Because they are wondering when you are going to collapse?"(always the honest one, my mother). Of course I knew it myself, but I don't want to admit it and I don't want to see it. Because this would mean.. eat more and put on weight, which is something I really don't want to do..
So, let them stare. If that's what I have to deal with, I don't care. As long as the kilo's don't come on, I don't care what people think when they see me, because I'm normal and I'm feeling fine. At the moment I would rather people think of me a skeleton and a freak. I was never really a person to care what other people think anyway. Or was that the me, in a different time of life? Maybe it was me, and now I do suddenly care what people think? Maybe it would be good for me to care about what people think, that might force me to get better? But that is the total wrong approach to getting better..
I have to solve the problem, find the root of the problem myself and leave the outside world to what it is.. just the world on the outside. I have to work on myself, my inside world. It's what I think and I feel that matters and at the end of the day I'm the only one who will be able to get better from the inside out, and once I'm feeling better on the inside, this will show on the outside..
(As I'm typing this, I'm trying not to panic about what this means.. kilo's and kilo's.. keep breathing Niamh..don't panic, one step at a time..)
And still the people will stare, but I will pretend not to care,
Focus on me, and find my inner glee...
What's the big deal?
What's their problem?
I'm normal, now look the other way please!
That can be so frustrating. Being in a pub for instance, you get up to go to the loo, and the looks.. Constantly. Sometimes they even stare.. Why? What is it that causes these people to stare? Is it maybe the fact that my hair is different than all the other girls? That's what I reckon. Or, that's what I tell myself. I don't see what other people see. I don't have a complex about how I look. I'm not skinny, I'm normal..
If I were to be honest with myself, I know why they are looking and why they are staring. But admitting it, wouldn't that give me a complex and make me selfconsious? Who needs to have a complex about how they look, when they've already got enough sh*t to deal with? I don't. Which probably sounds like I'm contradicting myself. I hear you think "Niamh must already have a complex to develop this illness, why else would a person want to be skinny and be scared of putting on weight?".
It's crazy isn't it. But I don't have a complex, as long as I don't admit to why people stare..
I asked my mother last night.. "Why do people stare?".. She told me exactly why.. "Because they are wondering when you are going to collapse?"(always the honest one, my mother). Of course I knew it myself, but I don't want to admit it and I don't want to see it. Because this would mean.. eat more and put on weight, which is something I really don't want to do..
So, let them stare. If that's what I have to deal with, I don't care. As long as the kilo's don't come on, I don't care what people think when they see me, because I'm normal and I'm feeling fine. At the moment I would rather people think of me a skeleton and a freak. I was never really a person to care what other people think anyway. Or was that the me, in a different time of life? Maybe it was me, and now I do suddenly care what people think? Maybe it would be good for me to care about what people think, that might force me to get better? But that is the total wrong approach to getting better..
I have to solve the problem, find the root of the problem myself and leave the outside world to what it is.. just the world on the outside. I have to work on myself, my inside world. It's what I think and I feel that matters and at the end of the day I'm the only one who will be able to get better from the inside out, and once I'm feeling better on the inside, this will show on the outside..
(As I'm typing this, I'm trying not to panic about what this means.. kilo's and kilo's.. keep breathing Niamh..don't panic, one step at a time..)
And still the people will stare, but I will pretend not to care,
Focus on me, and find my inner glee...
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