1 little boost of energy

The supplements give me all this nutrition
It's doing me more good than bad,
Treating my body the way it deserves
So then why are they making me feel so sad?

They aren't abusing my body
Not to the extremes that I have done,
They are making me healthy person
So then why am I scared of what is to come?

This 1 little boost of energy
Is more than I deserve to gain,
I can prove that I can live on air
But hang on, isn't that why I'm now in pain?

They say the body needs it
Otherwise a person cannot exist,
I'm intelligent enough to know this
But disciplined too much and so I can resist.

Training myself in such a way
That it can live on next to nothing,
Months of hard work and obedience
Is now taking its' toll on my entire body.

Learning to eat again
How did I let it get this far?
What have I done to myself?
Will the answer leave a permanent scar?

The first day on the supplements

Yesterday, Thursday the 31st of July, I had my first day of drinking the supplements drinks..

The first day I have ever felt so full in months. And it wasn't nice. I had to have the following:
A yogurt, then fruit, supplement shake (like an energy drink), then muesli bar, then dinner, and then supplement shake.(all spread out over the whole day.. until 9 o clock at night).
Well,I cannot remember the last time I felt so bloated and fat. My stomach was sore, and all I felt like I was doing, all day long, was stuffing my face. The whole day revolved around getting down all this food, that I clearly don't need, because I was forcing it down and feeling ill. Every 2 hours, I had to eat something, or else I wouldn't fit it all in.. It was insane. And to top it all off, with all this extra energy, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I just sat and sat.. walking from the computer, to the telly, to the computer and back to the telly again.. for f*cking 18 hours!!!! What a sh*t day. There was nobody here to force the food down me, which I suppose is good. And with every bite.. as awful as it was, I told myself "in order to get better, I have to gain weight". So that helped me to force myself. But I was not a happy chappy..

The worst thing was, that I knew I would have to get up today and do it all over again.. The same pattern, the same amount, the same awful feeling inside, the same battle between not wanting to eat but knowing I have to. And looking for the same strength to tell myself "in order to get better, I have to gain weight". (to say it to myself is all well and good, but I have to actually act on it as well.. that's the hard part). Everyone knows that following your own advice and listening to yourself when you're not really arsed.. can be a tough call. It's frustrating.

These stupid supplements things are giving me nutrition and energy. They are feeding my brain..(which I'm so not happy about, I like the feeling of being dizzy and in my own world.. just Anna and me..) So I find myself running ahead of myself. Yesterday I was feeling like I was able to go out and get meself a wee job.. and wanted to just live my life. But I can't. And then I really don't understand why. I'm feeling psychically fine, and I can concur the world, so let me get on with it, and then I know deep down that really I can't, and that upsets me and makes me angry and frustrated.. And I know that the more weight I put on and stronger my body becomes that that feeling is only going to get stronger, and I'll be feeling shittier with myself. It scares me already, when I think ahead of dealing with that.. Because I don't know how long it all will take.. You see what I mean that I'm running away with myself? And then I know I need to take a few steps back.. slow down Niamh.. take one day at a time..Take it as it comes..Take the time..
God It's such a head-wrecker..

So today, it's yesterday all over again.. more stuffing my face and feeling like a bloated pig. Drinking these supplements makes me feel like I've lost all control of everything, even though I'm the one who is taking them. I'm drinking them. It's my choice. So why am I so angry with myself for taking them? I know why.. It's because Anna doesn't want me to take. She wants me to leave them in the fridge or throw them down the sink.. I could do that.. I'm tempted, believe me I am.. There's nobody here.. I'm Home Alone.. I could lie to Mam "yes, I took the supplements and they were yummy..".. But the battle between Fay and Anna is right there, in my face. I cannot say that Anna is overpowering. If she was, I wouldn't think twice about whether or not to take them, I just wouldn't. But I'm aware of the battle that is going on, which is good, at least I'm aware of something.. my brain must still be slightly functioning afterall..

Is this how everyday is going to be? Surely not. Everyday, revolving around trying to stuff my face as much as possible. What the hell? This isn't a life.. this isn't living. How come everyone else is just going about their daily lives.. This is so frustrating! Of course, I know why.. but still, it's just pissing me off. After just 1 day.. 1 day.. 1 lousy day.. There are so many ahead.. oh my god..

It's like I've lost control and the race to better health has really started from day 1 of taking these shitty supplements. It feels like the heat is really and truly on now.. and that it's full steam ahead and that the kilo's are going to start flying on me.. and it's all going to get out of control and I won't be able to keep up and it's going to make me so unhappy. I feel like I'm slipping.. yesterday was the start of the slippery slope and it's downhill from here.. even though, if I rationalize it, I know it's not, but that's the only way I can describe it right now. It scares me so much..

O no.. It's that time again.. I have to go and stuff my face.. I must..I must.. to increase my bust... (haha, well, if I can't cry about it, I might as well laugh about it..).

Wednesday Evening 30-07

Today has been a bit a daze.
But in a good way.
I've been feeling light headed and dizzy and weak all day. But on the inside I'm not feeling shit. I have eaten my meals. I have felt strong. This morning, I was in a battle.. who is in my head, who am I listening to? It was so clear that both Anna and Fay were there. As I stood in the shower they were wrecking my brains. I stood in the mirror convincing myself I was fat. But Fay still wanted me to eat my extras, and she wanted me to do things, she wanted me to do some writing and do some research on internet and she told me that I need to eat to do these things. Then Anna was there, Niamh, you can do all that, without food.. O god, they are driving me mad!!! I just wanted to stop thinking about it all, I wanted to stop analyzing it all.. I was starting to drive myself crazy..

And then my first savior of today..my little sister Eileen said we'd go down town, in the taxi of course.. no walking for this little old lady listening to Fay, storing my calories.. So, I was out and about, taking it easy, chatting with a cup-a-tea.
And then my second savior of today..my cousin Mark.. You star! All your wise words were hitting home and just made my day complete! They all hold so much truth and have given me so much joy today.

So, this has been a joyous day, in my head.. I have to take as much from days like these as possible, they are so precious, I don't know when the next one will be.. So thank you Eileen and Mark for making me feel human! You are both 2 little stars!

Love you all lots xxx

On a day like today

On a day like today
I'm tired but strong
My body is weak
But willpower does belong

It belongs to me
It belongs to Fay
Inner strength is there
I can feel it today

It makes me so happy
On days like these
I remember who I am
For Anna is on freeze

This feeling gives me hope
So I have to take what I can
For me to stay aware
That I should ALWAYS give a damn.

Weakness on the outside
But the strength that comes from within
More powerful than anything
Aiming for Fay to win

My first Acupuncture treatment

Yesterday, Tuesday..

We made an appointment to go to acupuncture..
And what an ordeal it turned out to be.

Alternative treatment can be a real outcome for people dealing with different issues, such as depression, cancer, alcoholism and stress just to name a few. For anorexics it can also be an outcome. It can help the metabolism, the digestive system, help the stomach, relieve the tension in your head, help with stress levels, relax the body and it can help the body regain energy. All in all, sounds good as extra treatment.

So we went yesterday afternoon. The guy I went to see, his name I don't even remember..
he needed to "consult" me first. He wanted to know why I felt I needed the treatment. Well, I just thought I'll just tell him I'm anorexic and that will be it. But no. It wasn't as straight forward as that, unfortunately (with me, nothing seems to ever to be that straight forward). Acting partially as counselor, he wanted to know how long it has been going on for, why it started and lots of other questions. Then he was trying to figure out where it had all gone so terribly wrong with my health and in what direction I was heading. He was not being clear at all. I couldn't grasp what the hell he was on about. He was wrecking my head, and was making me feel like a total and utter gobshite, me sitting there just not knowing what in godsname he's pushing to find out.. He even started asking me if I wanted children.. If I wanted a relationship.. stuff like that. I didn't know what the hell was going on. It was all such a daze and because I was still processing my session with Diann that I had just had 1 day earlier (who approaches it all totally different), my head was being messed with. He got me so worked up, it was like I wasn't sitting there in his office, it wasn't me, I was having one of those out-of-body experiences.. I just wanted to run, I just wanted to get out of there.. My head couldn't deal with all this.. What was he doing to me!! So I got myself that worked up, because I didn't have a clue in what direction my life is going and because I couldn't answer (I felt like I was 5 years old..humiliation and stupidity even) that I just exploded, "I don't know what is going on!", burst into tears and was about to leave, but stopped myself.. Sat there like a baby, crying (my god, I keep on thinking that my tears should have run out by now.. but no.. they keep on popping up when I least expect them to).. Thank god my mam was there.. My god, I never expected this to turn into such a Drama!

The reason I didn't leave was because I knew that I had to give this a try. I needed it, and I would only feel like a failure if I were to walk out without seeing it through. So I stayed.

Once I had calmed down, he got me realize what it was he wanted me and him to realize. I came to him for help. He said he would help me, that I will reach out and he will grab my hand. And where is it we will be going? To better health. And why to better health? Because I have CHOSEN to get better. I was MY decision and with his guidance and my determination, I can get there. I had once chosen to live my life in certain way, that had made me ill. The wrong choice. Now I have chosen to live my life in a different, and this will make me better. IT WAS ME WHO MADE THE DECISION TO GET BETTER SO I WILL SEE IT THROUGH.

The first thing that came into my mind..."Why didn't you just say that to start off with...".. A no, not really. He needed and wanted me to see that myself. And he is right. Another realization. But it was tough man... wrecked my brain..

After that long and torturous chat, he said that the two of us need to be on the same level if this is going to work, you need to be able to communicate. He reckoned we are, or else he wouldn't agree to treat me. Well, what an honest young man he is.. and to think, I've forgotten his name.. but afterall it was an out-of-body experience, so that's probably why.

Then I had the acupuncture done. I'm usually not that great with needles, but after that chat, and how exhausted I was feeling, I told him I would be fine. And I was. I just got 8 needles stuck into me (stomach, hands and legs). This will be increased each time I have a treatment. It didn't hurt and I had a half an hour to relax. It was heaven to be honest. Afterwards I felt totally drained, and slow (even slower than my normal pace..if that's possible..haha), and drowsy but in a nice way.

He then gave me "homework". I have to say to my myself , 10 times a day "this is my choice". and then I have to finish the sentence "I choose to...". So I have to finish the sentence with whatever direction in life I will choose. I can do that. Not sure what direction just yet.. But choosing good health I reckon is a start..

All in all.. there's a lot more to acupuncture that meets the eye. My next appointment won't be for another 3 weeks. But that gives me enough time to fully realize that without my 100% commitment, help is help and will only work best when you take absolutely everything out of it.. And that's exactly what I intend to do!

Week 4 into my recovery

Session number 4, with my therapist Diann..

I was needing this session so badly.. was counting down the days, so glad that I would be able to let out all the sh*t that had been going on during the week.. I'll call it "The fourth week into my recovery".

The session still came a little too soon, and again, I was dreading it.. At the last minute I would have been delighted if something had happened so as I wouldn't have been able to attend this session.
It was more the thought of how intense it gets, how much effort it takes to sit there and analyze everything that happened throughout the week.. It's so tiring and difficult.

It was, again, an extremely hard session. The same question as always from Diann :"How did your week go".. Well I just started from the beginning.

Just to summarize a FRACTION of what has been going on. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.. Mentally.. I blocked myself out from the world. I shut myself off. I didn't want to know that there a world outside this my front door. I didn't want to think about anything. It was easier for me to think of everyday as being "Monday".. everyday I get up, get through the day, not speaking, just existing, then go to bed and do the same all over again the next day. And It's still Monday. So in a way the world just stopped turning.. except for the fact the sun would rise and set.. But to me, this wasn't meaning anything.

I switched off to Fay, switched off to Anna. Didn't even think about the two of them. I wasn't bothered, didn't see why I should be. By the time Thursday came around.. my body had deteriorated.. so much so that I was like an 70 year old, trying to walk around the house. More pains in my stomach, a weaker back, sore knees, sore ribs, even doing nothing would make me slightly breathless and the slightest noise would hurt my body. So physically and mentally I was totally drained by the end of the week.

Trying to deal with Anna mentally, was just about impossible. Because at the moment my body isn't able. I cannot deal with any major issues. For stress and pressure like this, you need a body that is physically able to cope with it all. At the moment, I am not in that place. Everybody knows what stress can do to your body.. and that's a healthy and fit body, not malnourished body as weak as sh*t..

I had a bad day on Friday, eating I mean. Didn't have my extras. I felt good and strong and didn't give a shit. After writing so much on Saturday, I felt lighter, and the "black mood" (as my mam called it) had lifted slightly.
But I went walking again, I couldn't help myself. I wouldn't let myself eat if I didn't go walking, so to be good to Fay I had to listen to Anna. But I didn't care. Sunday I went walking again.. I know I shouldn't have, but the same reason again.. To be good to Fay, I had to listen to Anna..

You can imagine, that I was bursting to get all this off my chest. Because throughout the week, I didn't have the energy, strength or even the ability to be able to talk to my mam about it, which usually I would do. But it just taking so much effort at the moment that it's just easier to block it all out, and keep it all together until I get to speak to Diann. And that's what I did this week. That's why this session was so intense. But I knew it would be.

What made it so hard? It's not only because of the fact that I totally didn't give a sh*t if I was or wasn't listening to Anna or Fay, but the fact that I just didn't care about anything. Mam was asking if I was depressed.. Diann was telling us that so many girls with anorexia do get depressed and end up on for instance Prozac (anti-depressants). Which just makes the problem and illness that little bit worse (and there was me thinking that it couldn't get much worse than it is right now), because then you need to deal with living with the pills and without them. But that is an option that I would never ever consider. I'm not going down that road.. so they can stick them up their *rses..
So Diann suggested straight away to put me on supplements, that I would also be getting if I were to be in hospital. This is a medicated nutritional drink, that will give me more energy to be able to deal with the mental turmoil of Anna.

This scared the sh*t out of me.. I know this sounds so stupid to you all, and I don't really give a damn. I have to take 2 a day for the first 3 days and then 3 a day everyday.. The first thing that came to mind was.. Oh no, these are going to fatten me up.. Diann just wants me to put on weight..(but this isn't the case). "Maybe I could have them instead of a meal.." that's what I heard me telling myself. But these are extra.. O f*ck!!!I'm going to feel so full and disgusting.. And it scares me so much. She advised me just not to think about what I'm doing.. I have to switch off to it, or else I won't be able to take them. My mam has to make them for me and sit with me while I drink them (like a child, but that's another issue), at set times everyday.. Diann reckons if I don't take them, that I'm going to get worse than I am at the moment. I will just have to blank it all out and trust Mam and Diann, which is a hard thing to do, because my trust in everybody has gone out the window, which is such a sad thing for me to have to admit..

Then, thinking about these supplements, I found myself thinking.. Why should I HAVE to take them? Why should I have to feel better. Can I not just see how much further I can push myself? How much more can my body physically take. Can I not just give it my best shot and make myself sicker? Why should I have to feel good and energetic? What have I got left if and when I feel energetic again? Won't my world be filled with emptiness? Doesn't that mean that Anna is gone? Or maybe my life will be happier? I couldn't help myself from thinking.. "I shouldn't deserve to feel fit and healthy".

All this triggered thoughts in my head.. I'm sitting there with Diann, asking myself, how far can I go? What can I do to make myself feel more pain? How far can I walk to make my legs hurt? How long can I keep myself from sitting down? How many hours a day can I keep myself busy to make myself feel more drained? When will Anna be satisfied. This is exactly what Diann asked me.. "Niamh, if you think of Anna, what do you see?" My answer: I see a skeleton being fed through a tube on a hospital bed. That's Anna, but on the outside it's my flesh and bones, my exterior but I'm looking at her and HOPING that Anna will then feel like she has accomplished what she set out to do.. make this person so ill that she cannot survive by herself any longer. But also KNOWING that this hospital bed is NOT where it ends for Anna. Where does it end for Anna? Not when this girl were to get out of hospital, because Anna would then have lost the battle and she never wants to loose, that's how powerful and strong she is. She will keep on putting this person back into the hospital bed, until the strength, willpower and energy has been sucked and drained from this soul that there is just no more fighting it.. and so suddenly it's too late...

This is the reality of how things could go, how things are and what the battle between Fay and Anna really is about. The subject of death came up so much during last nights session that it scared the living hell out of me. Scared because I know how strong I am when listening to Anna and scared that she will get her own way. Scared of what will become of me if I don't beat her and scared of what will become of me if I do beat her. Scared of the months to come and scared that I'm not able to ever get passed this. Scared that I'm never going to be the person I once was and scared that she has gone forever..

Diann told us that Anorexics have the highest death-rate of mental diseases..Either heart failure or suicide. Some girls choose to let themselves get so ill that they have to get taken into hospital. That way they don't have to think about the food issue, they get fed 3000 calories a day, and have no choice in the matter. They then focus and deal with the emotional turmoil, because they have more physical strength. But I'm not going to let myself get that bad. I would end up on psychiatric ward, not specialized and totally alone in the world. Which is so much worse than how I'm now having my treatment.

There was another thing that got me scared as well. I had my heart scan done 2 weeks ago. The doctor said it was "as to be expected".. slow heart rate is normal when a person is so much underweight. So we showed Diann the results and she was not happy. I should have been referred to the hospital for more check ups and should have been advised to stay in bed as much as possible. Apparently there is a risk of heart failure. This really really scared me so much. I couldn't believe it really. Yes, I admit that I can feel that my chest doesn't feel the way it usually would, but her reaction came as a shock. It does explain now, why I have become so slow in doing everything.. walking, talking, reacting. Everything is at a snails' pace and now I know why. Old people with weak hearts are also pretty slow.. Well, that's me guys.. Welcome to my world..

I don't know if I have lost weight again.. I haven't been allowed to weigh myself the past week and Diann won't weigh me either.She said it needs to unexpected.. So that's kind of worrying at the moment. I don't want to loose any weight, but I just don't want to put ON any weight. As long as I stay the same.. then I'm ok.

So, all in all, you can imagine how hard this session was. The most important thing was, that I take the supplements and I have to REALIZE that Anna will never be satisfied. Last week that thought just totally went out the window. I have to get it back this week. Apparently the supplement should give me more energy to stay on top of Anna, mentally. Because I need to keep on eating, even though I have been eating..But at this stage it is crucial that my body doesn't deteriorate anymore than it has done the past weeks.. If I want to stay out of hospital I need to take the supplements, have to have bed-rest, eat my daily menu. So walking is totally out of the question. At the moment these things are vital. I just hope to god I can. Diann said to turn the drive I have to listen to Anna, around and use it to take the supplements. The next few days will tell.



PS I want to thank everyone for emailing and texting.. But there is one little thing that I need to get off my mind. Whenever you read a positive blog.. please never ever say "glad you are doing well", "it sounds like you are beating Anna". Please, I beg of you, never ever say this. My blogs are a reflection of what I'm feeling or felt either at that moment or a few days ago. My mood changes within hours.. sometimes even 30minutes. When I get texts like these, they come as a punch in the stomach and just knock me down and make me feel worse.. I know it's so hard for everyone to understand what is going on and how this weird head of mine is working, but please never ever send me messages like that.. I know you all mean so well.. and you want to support me, but not by telling me how well it sounds like i'm doing. Because that is so far from the truth and I still have such a long way to go, that even I can't see the road ahead and how long it is.. Thank you and love you all..

Another day, another battle

I've just had my yogurt.
I still feel weak.
But I feel full.
And slightly sick.
I also feel bloated.
I want energy.
My body knows it needs food.
So I want to stuff my face.
But I know the consequences.
I will then want to walk.
And I will then want to starve.
So I have to resist food.
My body wouldn't be able digest anything more.
Not at this present time.
So I'm counting the hours.
The hours until I'm allowed.
Until I'm allowed to have my extra.
That's 1 more hour to go.
For now I have to keep busy.
I have to keep my mind off food.
This is nearly impossible.
Time creeps by so slowly.
As it does my stomach starts burning.
The sensation of it being stretched.
My body trying take as much as it can.
From the tiny bit of food that I really didn't want.
I didn't want because of last night.
I had some rice and vegetables.
I then didn't want to eat ever again.
I had enjoyed it too much.
I had cleared the plate.
I would have eaten more.
I was a pig and felt so full.
All evening it stuck in my head.
I couldn't stop worrying.
Worrying about what was happening.
Happening on the inside.
How my body was struggling.
I could see it turning into fat.
Fat that I wasn't burning.
Because I was sitting down.
My body didn't need that food.
I would have been happier to starve.
I would have felt good.
I would have had a nice dizzy feeling.
The feeling in my head.
That familiar feeling in my forehead.
It tells me I'm being strong.
That I am damaging myself.
And that's good.
While everyone is munching.
I'm resisting temptation.
I'm not eating the chocolate.
I've switched off to me even considering to eat it.
But it's right there in front of me.
I want to stay awake as long as possible.
That way I might burn the rice.
I might survive this week without gaining weight.
I'm already thinking about my next dinner.
I'm planning my Sunday menu.
I'm drooling at the thoughts.
It will be my creation.
It will be delicious.
I cannot wait.
It's 20 hours away.
But what will I do to make me hungry.
I will have to have a busy Sunday.
I can keep my brain occupied.
If my legs will not be working.
If they are weak and tired.
Using my brain will burn calories.
I will have a productive day.
Then I will enjoy dinner.
With so many different spices.
Spices that will make my mouth explode.
It will be my personal party.
But nobody is invited.
It will be just me and my food.
I will want to be alone.
Nobody watching or observing.
It's me and my own food against the world.
I will fulfill my dream dinner.
It will be bliss.