I had my appointment this morning.. got it over and done with. Thank god.
The "assessment".. A psychologist (not too sure if that is the right spelling) called Caroline. Before I went into her office, the dreaded f*cking weighing scales.. panic, anger and frustration.. I really didn't want her to weigh me.. oh no! this wasn't a great start.. Anyhow, I don't want to talk about my weight at the moment, it's only a number I keep on telling myself, so I will leave it at that...
I then had to go in to see Caroline and in such "cases" she always wants to assess the patient alone, so without any parents present. At first I thought.. oh, I don't really know if I can do this on my own. With every appointment so far, my mother has been there, so now it was different. I was switched off whilst sitting in the waiting room, so I needed to get my brain on this planet, or else I would just sit there like a zombie.. It's ok I told myself.. I can do this. And I did.
I went in alone, The first question.. "do you know why you're here?".. (like the AA meeting you see.. when you have to stand up and admit you have a problem..).. I thought.. O yes, I am so much further than taking that dreaded first step of owning up to having this illness. Me, at my chirpiest.. "O Yeah, I have anorexia.."
Not a bother, I'll admit it, I have no shame. Then we started going through everything. She asked questions, personal questions.. and I answered and told the stories. About my childhood, about school, about my work, about the past 2 and 3 years, about relationships with my family, friends, alcohol and drugs. About the past few months, about Diann, about my eating patterns now and before I started to go to Diann, how I was coping with it, how I was feeling, how was my mood, my sleeping, just about everything.
I talked and talked for 35 minutes to the stage that I felt dizzy.. But I did it, and at the end of it all, she made her conclusions..
At the moment I am aware of the illness, am wanting to get better, I am accepting the treatment, I am responding positively. There isn't anything more that I could be doing to fight this. I'm doing my best and I need to take as much time as I need. She was very upbeat about it all. I have come along way in the past 7 weeks. And the way she said this, had me close to tears. She was so genuine, I could see that she meant it. She knew and I knew that if I keep this up that I will get better.. There was a sense of compassion and sympathy in her eyes, but more importantly I could also see belief in her eyes.. even though I was only with her for 35 minutes.
I felt proud of myself sitting there, by myself, hearing this and knowing that it was my hard work.. I already had a sense of achievement.. Even though these are only the extremely early days of the recovery ahead.
She believes in me.. I believe in me..
Going in on my own, gave me a boost and made me realize that I still can be independent, I still have it.. and I'm still confident enough too.. I haven't lost the knack of being independent. I loved that feeling! A strange feeling of freedom..
After stressing last night about it so much, this appointment didn't have the effect on me I thought it would, not initially anyway. I felt relieved to get it over with. I won't need to go back there, I just need to keep on fighting. It didn't make me want to make myself feel bad, it didn't bring out feelings of Anna.. It motivated me to more to take my supplement on the way back home in the car...
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Thursday 14-08-08
Thursday.. a strange day..
I decided today.. after my the "homework" I received from Mr. Acupuncture (2 weeks ago, do you remember, everyday I have to say to myself.. "today I choose.." and then I must fill in the sentence with whatever I like) that today "i choose not to analyze anymore".. I was so tired after the past few days..
So I just switched off to this whole "situation".. and just decided to be myself.. I can come out of my "shell" (that I sometimes go into, just to sort out my head), and just be the person I am. And I tried, but I'm not too sure that it worked..
O, here I go again, straight away I'm analyzing.. (I can't help and I feel the need to, so I'm just going to do it now). We went shopping in another town this afternoon, and I was just a normal person, keeping up with the rest, not having too much troubles, my legs weren't too sore, I wasn't out of breath so all was fine.
BUT..
Because I choose to switch off, it was like I was looking AT myself, it was like I wasn't ME. I was an outsider looking in.. I didn't like what I was seeing.. I saw a troubled girl who was pretending to be somebody she wasn't. I saw what other people saw. I saw a girl who is ill. I saw a girl that wasn't happy. It gave me a fright, it scared me... THAT'S ACTUALLY ME....
Why did I choose to block it out today?Well.. Because sometimes it's so tiring, I cannot always focus on this.. I need to have other things to occupy me.. That's normal and I can do that no problem. But focusing on other things doesn't necessarily mean that I have to pretend that I something I'm not. I probably didn't need to tell myself today that I'm healthy and feeling fine, and choosing not be anorexic. But it did make me look at myself in the shop mirrors (you know when you're shopping, there are mirrors everywhere..it's the worst isn't it..) and see what everyone else sees. Maybe I needed to see this? Maybe it was meant to give me another little push, another push to fight Anna... Who knows....
I reckon I need to focus on other things, and I do focus on other things, some days more than other. But by doing so, doesn't mean that I automatically have to pretend I'm something I'm not..
My sister Orla, her boyfriend and my little beautiful niece enya are here at the moment, and I felt like I needed to make the effort, to just be me.. I felt they needed to know that there still is a normal Niamh in there somewhere.. They leave tomorrow and I would feel bad if I knew that I didn't even try to be on top of things (Orla I know you don't mind, just like Emma, but I can't help it, I just feel guilty.. you know me..). Tomorrow night I have 2 friends coming over from Holland. I am looking forward to seeing them, but also worried that I won't be able to entertain them. Again, I know that they don't mind.. they have already said.. and they really are the best.. So I just have to try and keep this in mind..
I have to just try pace myself and be honest about it..
Another thing tomorrow.. I also have an appointment in the morning in the hospital. This is my assessment. I'm not too sure what it involves, but it will be a hectic day. I just want to get it out of the way..
It is worrying me a little, for a number a different (mainly stupid) reasons.. I'm worried that they won't think I'm ill.. that they will say I'm doing well and that my weight is ok. If they say that to me, I'm worried that I will want to make myself feel worse again, by not resting, by walking, by not wanting to eat.. I'm worried that it will undo the GOOD that I have been doing the past weeks.. That I will end up back at square one again. I'm worried that they will weigh me and that I will have put on weight and that it, again, will trigger Anna and I'll be feeling bad and sh*t and if I'm not feeling bad and I will NEED to make myself feel bad.
I really don't want them to weigh me..That is my main worry.. If I've put on a few kilos they'll presume I'm better.. I have been doing so well the past couple of weeks with my supplements and eating.. I'm now scared to death of the effect this hospital visit will have on me..
There.. I've said it.. I wasn't going to own up to it. I didn't want to admit that this appointment is a big deal for me.. I was going to just keep it to myself... But.. Hey, Better out than in I suppose..
God, this blog is godsend.. it really is. I wasn't going to write today.. I said that to myself this morning (yes, niamh has now officially gone insane because she even talks to herself now aswell as living her life through this website..;) "I'm not going to write on my blog today".. but I'm glad I decided to jump on anyway, I feel slightly better now...
We'll see how tomorrow goes, I just have to pace myself.. and stay strong.
I decided today.. after my the "homework" I received from Mr. Acupuncture (2 weeks ago, do you remember, everyday I have to say to myself.. "today I choose.." and then I must fill in the sentence with whatever I like) that today "i choose not to analyze anymore".. I was so tired after the past few days..
So I just switched off to this whole "situation".. and just decided to be myself.. I can come out of my "shell" (that I sometimes go into, just to sort out my head), and just be the person I am. And I tried, but I'm not too sure that it worked..
O, here I go again, straight away I'm analyzing.. (I can't help and I feel the need to, so I'm just going to do it now). We went shopping in another town this afternoon, and I was just a normal person, keeping up with the rest, not having too much troubles, my legs weren't too sore, I wasn't out of breath so all was fine.
BUT..
Because I choose to switch off, it was like I was looking AT myself, it was like I wasn't ME. I was an outsider looking in.. I didn't like what I was seeing.. I saw a troubled girl who was pretending to be somebody she wasn't. I saw what other people saw. I saw a girl who is ill. I saw a girl that wasn't happy. It gave me a fright, it scared me... THAT'S ACTUALLY ME....
Why did I choose to block it out today?Well.. Because sometimes it's so tiring, I cannot always focus on this.. I need to have other things to occupy me.. That's normal and I can do that no problem. But focusing on other things doesn't necessarily mean that I have to pretend that I something I'm not. I probably didn't need to tell myself today that I'm healthy and feeling fine, and choosing not be anorexic. But it did make me look at myself in the shop mirrors (you know when you're shopping, there are mirrors everywhere..it's the worst isn't it..) and see what everyone else sees. Maybe I needed to see this? Maybe it was meant to give me another little push, another push to fight Anna... Who knows....
I reckon I need to focus on other things, and I do focus on other things, some days more than other. But by doing so, doesn't mean that I automatically have to pretend I'm something I'm not..
My sister Orla, her boyfriend and my little beautiful niece enya are here at the moment, and I felt like I needed to make the effort, to just be me.. I felt they needed to know that there still is a normal Niamh in there somewhere.. They leave tomorrow and I would feel bad if I knew that I didn't even try to be on top of things (Orla I know you don't mind, just like Emma, but I can't help it, I just feel guilty.. you know me..). Tomorrow night I have 2 friends coming over from Holland. I am looking forward to seeing them, but also worried that I won't be able to entertain them. Again, I know that they don't mind.. they have already said.. and they really are the best.. So I just have to try and keep this in mind..
I have to just try pace myself and be honest about it..
Another thing tomorrow.. I also have an appointment in the morning in the hospital. This is my assessment. I'm not too sure what it involves, but it will be a hectic day. I just want to get it out of the way..
It is worrying me a little, for a number a different (mainly stupid) reasons.. I'm worried that they won't think I'm ill.. that they will say I'm doing well and that my weight is ok. If they say that to me, I'm worried that I will want to make myself feel worse again, by not resting, by walking, by not wanting to eat.. I'm worried that it will undo the GOOD that I have been doing the past weeks.. That I will end up back at square one again. I'm worried that they will weigh me and that I will have put on weight and that it, again, will trigger Anna and I'll be feeling bad and sh*t and if I'm not feeling bad and I will NEED to make myself feel bad.
I really don't want them to weigh me..That is my main worry.. If I've put on a few kilos they'll presume I'm better.. I have been doing so well the past couple of weeks with my supplements and eating.. I'm now scared to death of the effect this hospital visit will have on me..
There.. I've said it.. I wasn't going to own up to it. I didn't want to admit that this appointment is a big deal for me.. I was going to just keep it to myself... But.. Hey, Better out than in I suppose..
God, this blog is godsend.. it really is. I wasn't going to write today.. I said that to myself this morning (yes, niamh has now officially gone insane because she even talks to herself now aswell as living her life through this website..;) "I'm not going to write on my blog today".. but I'm glad I decided to jump on anyway, I feel slightly better now...
We'll see how tomorrow goes, I just have to pace myself.. and stay strong.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
My Motivation
Having is reason to get better. Having motivation to keep on fighting Anna.
What is my motivation? What do I visualize every time Anna is on my shoulder telling me not to eat, telling me I don't need this food and convincing me that the rumbling in my stomach ISN'T hunger..
At those hard moments, I need to be at my strongest, and that is when, with every bite of food I take, I need to think "WHY?".. and I need to visualize.. to finish the whole plate..
My motivation.. Independence and Travel.. These 2 things I miss the most in my life at the moment. These are the things that Anna has stolen from me, she has made me so ill, that I have lost them both. But I want them back..
I miss going to work everyday, doing my own grocery shopping, going out with mates, living by myself and my life just revolving around me.. I miss a daily routine that I have made my own, that I have chosen and am proud of and also makes me content and gives me confidence. I cannot remember the last time I felt like that.. I miss so many little things that I would always take for granted.
I miss traveling so much I cannot describe... I want to make plans again, I want to dream again and I want to be free.. Just me and my adventures. Before this whole ordeal started, I was planning on going to Mexico for 6 months or a year.. I wanted to leave in November.. Anna stole that from me. But that dream was mine, she had no right to steal it the way she did.. I want it back and it's not going to remain a dream, because I will go traveling again. For me, that is my main motivation, and I can visualize it without any difficulty..
I can see it now, me with my backpack on my back, butterflies in my stomach, tears in my eyes (sad to say goodbye to loved ones but happy that I made it all happen again), ready to take on the world again.. Me, my own adventures, creating my own memories, making my dream come true, living life to the full..
Along with my travels comes my independence and this gives me my confidence (which used to be my middlename).. I CAN and i WILL have the world at my feet, the way I always used to. I can make it happen, the battle for it is on.. I have to win..
What is my motivation? What do I visualize every time Anna is on my shoulder telling me not to eat, telling me I don't need this food and convincing me that the rumbling in my stomach ISN'T hunger..
At those hard moments, I need to be at my strongest, and that is when, with every bite of food I take, I need to think "WHY?".. and I need to visualize.. to finish the whole plate..
My motivation.. Independence and Travel.. These 2 things I miss the most in my life at the moment. These are the things that Anna has stolen from me, she has made me so ill, that I have lost them both. But I want them back..
I miss going to work everyday, doing my own grocery shopping, going out with mates, living by myself and my life just revolving around me.. I miss a daily routine that I have made my own, that I have chosen and am proud of and also makes me content and gives me confidence. I cannot remember the last time I felt like that.. I miss so many little things that I would always take for granted.
I miss traveling so much I cannot describe... I want to make plans again, I want to dream again and I want to be free.. Just me and my adventures. Before this whole ordeal started, I was planning on going to Mexico for 6 months or a year.. I wanted to leave in November.. Anna stole that from me. But that dream was mine, she had no right to steal it the way she did.. I want it back and it's not going to remain a dream, because I will go traveling again. For me, that is my main motivation, and I can visualize it without any difficulty..
I can see it now, me with my backpack on my back, butterflies in my stomach, tears in my eyes (sad to say goodbye to loved ones but happy that I made it all happen again), ready to take on the world again.. Me, my own adventures, creating my own memories, making my dream come true, living life to the full..
Along with my travels comes my independence and this gives me my confidence (which used to be my middlename).. I CAN and i WILL have the world at my feet, the way I always used to. I can make it happen, the battle for it is on.. I have to win..
A tear is a drop of strength
Every tear is an individual
Every drop has it's own life
Every tear with a meaning
Every drop offering relief
A reason isn't necessary
They will come when needed
All to help you be honest
All to see you through
Never see a tear as weakness
Always see a drop as strength
For to be weak one needs to be strong
And to be strong one needs to grow
Dealing with the problem
Shedding that needed drop
Brings it to the surface
What has caused that tear
Therefore we will grow
By just being true
Therefore we learn more
And work at just being you
So just let the tears flow...
Every drop has it's own life
Every tear with a meaning
Every drop offering relief
A reason isn't necessary
They will come when needed
All to help you be honest
All to see you through
Never see a tear as weakness
Always see a drop as strength
For to be weak one needs to be strong
And to be strong one needs to grow
Dealing with the problem
Shedding that needed drop
Brings it to the surface
What has caused that tear
Therefore we will grow
By just being true
Therefore we learn more
And work at just being you
So just let the tears flow...
Is there a pattern?
Is there a pattern? That's what I've found myself asking myself all morning..
Why? Because after every good day, there follows a day of doom and gloom.
I probably know full well why this is.
It's because I have been positive and realized that I need to get better and realized that Anna is a bully and that she has made me ill. And I have openly admitted that I can get better if I really want to because I am a fighter, which means that I will have to keep on pushing, if I want to or not.. and realizing that I can do this I now know that I have to see it through.
But Anna won't give up without a fight. She'll fight me the way I'm fighting her, and that makes it soooo hard. The more I push, the more she will push.. I can feel that now, so much, it's scary. I want her out, and she knows it, and she knows that I can get her out, and she'll keep on bullying me. She realizes that Fay is starting to stand up to her.
After having a great day, she now is causing all these "eruptions" inside of me. She wants to punish me, and she's making me feel bad for having all these positive thoughts and for doing the positive things I need to do in order for me to ban her from my life.. She makes me feel like a failure for having such a great day yesterday. I feel so bad for having those thoughts yesterday. She wants me to feel bad. She wants me to be miserable. She doesn't want me to feel good, to socialize, to enjoy my yogurt, to take my supplements, anything. She doesn't want me to be happy in a way, shape or form. Why is she being so mean? I just want to be normal, and to be the happy person I was.. Why does she have to bully me? Why can't she just leave me alone? I NEED to rest, I NEED my food, I NEED people to give me compliments, I NEED put on weight.. But she just doesn't feel that I need any of this. So if a compliment for instance does come my way.. She makes me want to undo any good that I have done, whether it's my mood or my strength. She punishes and bullies me straight away.
She makes me feel guilty for listening and reacting to what my body needs..
But I'm only human aren't I?
I want to enjoy being around people, I want to look forward to having visitors, I want to look forward to my future, I want to be the happy person I once was. But she won't let me.. She would rather see me cry every morning, just so as she knows that I'm miserable. Why?
Would she be happy if I were to constantly stay the way I am now, being up and down, battling, struggling everyday, trying to figure out who I choose to listen to or who I give permission to control my mood and food intake? A person cannot fight this thing for their entire lives.. But she would be happy to see me do it..
What will happen, the more I push her out, will she get more aggressive? But she can't, can she? Because the more I fight, the more she'll fight back.. Oh my god, It scares me so much to think ahead.. What if I get her out and she comes back, twice as aggressive? I know I'm jumping the gun a little.. But she's just so mean, and I hate her so much for putting me through this.. It's just on unfair...
Why? Because after every good day, there follows a day of doom and gloom.
I probably know full well why this is.
It's because I have been positive and realized that I need to get better and realized that Anna is a bully and that she has made me ill. And I have openly admitted that I can get better if I really want to because I am a fighter, which means that I will have to keep on pushing, if I want to or not.. and realizing that I can do this I now know that I have to see it through.
But Anna won't give up without a fight. She'll fight me the way I'm fighting her, and that makes it soooo hard. The more I push, the more she will push.. I can feel that now, so much, it's scary. I want her out, and she knows it, and she knows that I can get her out, and she'll keep on bullying me. She realizes that Fay is starting to stand up to her.
After having a great day, she now is causing all these "eruptions" inside of me. She wants to punish me, and she's making me feel bad for having all these positive thoughts and for doing the positive things I need to do in order for me to ban her from my life.. She makes me feel like a failure for having such a great day yesterday. I feel so bad for having those thoughts yesterday. She wants me to feel bad. She wants me to be miserable. She doesn't want me to feel good, to socialize, to enjoy my yogurt, to take my supplements, anything. She doesn't want me to be happy in a way, shape or form. Why is she being so mean? I just want to be normal, and to be the happy person I was.. Why does she have to bully me? Why can't she just leave me alone? I NEED to rest, I NEED my food, I NEED people to give me compliments, I NEED put on weight.. But she just doesn't feel that I need any of this. So if a compliment for instance does come my way.. She makes me want to undo any good that I have done, whether it's my mood or my strength. She punishes and bullies me straight away.
She makes me feel guilty for listening and reacting to what my body needs..
But I'm only human aren't I?
I want to enjoy being around people, I want to look forward to having visitors, I want to look forward to my future, I want to be the happy person I once was. But she won't let me.. She would rather see me cry every morning, just so as she knows that I'm miserable. Why?
Would she be happy if I were to constantly stay the way I am now, being up and down, battling, struggling everyday, trying to figure out who I choose to listen to or who I give permission to control my mood and food intake? A person cannot fight this thing for their entire lives.. But she would be happy to see me do it..
What will happen, the more I push her out, will she get more aggressive? But she can't, can she? Because the more I fight, the more she'll fight back.. Oh my god, It scares me so much to think ahead.. What if I get her out and she comes back, twice as aggressive? I know I'm jumping the gun a little.. But she's just so mean, and I hate her so much for putting me through this.. It's just on unfair...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Control-Freak
This is one is triggered by Mark..
A controlling personality can work both ways..
I mentioned yesterday that I can be a control freak. Well, my dear cousin Mark made me realize, that having this character trait doesn't have to be a bad thing. A person can either use it or misuse it. I think I have done the second. Controlling what I eat, starving myself, being in control and that always makes me feel strong...
Oh my god, a light bulb has just switched on in my old head again.. REALIZATION!!!
I wrote in a poem.. "is there anything else that I can do that will make me feel just as strong.. If I'm not allowed to starve myself anymore".. Well, I feel strong when I'm in control. I can take this controlling power I have to take my life into my own hands. I have made the choice to push Anna out. I need to keep pushing her, in order to get rid of her, and to get my own life back. This I can see as being a control-freak.. doing what I do best..?!
If I can do this, won't this make me feel strong? When I finally achieve this, knowing that I was the only one able to fix myself and knowing the strength it took to beat Anna, won't this give the same sense of strength? Because, at the end of the day, I AM the only one who can fix myself. I'm the only one who can take control of this situation, no matter how many people are supporting me and wanting me to get better. There is no one else on this planet that is going to cure me.. except for me. How much more rewarding is it, when I will finally feel that I still DO have control, but that I'll be using it to make my life full again, to get my health back and to feel like a worthy human being..
I cannot believe that, just in the last 15 minutes I have come to realize this.. Even after writing it in a poem, but not knowing the answer.. not knowing what I could do, that would make me feel just as strong, and then Mark saying that being a control-freak doesn't have to be a bad thing.. It's like I've just been smacked in the face.. BUT IN A GREAT WAY!!!!
So.. It's my choice.. I'm going to get her out of my life, for good, I'm taking control, and I'm going to keep on fighting. I'm going to push myself.. everyday.. I will get there and I will be so much stronger for doing so.
Thank you so much Mark!! Love ya to bits!!!!
A controlling personality can work both ways..
I mentioned yesterday that I can be a control freak. Well, my dear cousin Mark made me realize, that having this character trait doesn't have to be a bad thing. A person can either use it or misuse it. I think I have done the second. Controlling what I eat, starving myself, being in control and that always makes me feel strong...
Oh my god, a light bulb has just switched on in my old head again.. REALIZATION!!!
I wrote in a poem.. "is there anything else that I can do that will make me feel just as strong.. If I'm not allowed to starve myself anymore".. Well, I feel strong when I'm in control. I can take this controlling power I have to take my life into my own hands. I have made the choice to push Anna out. I need to keep pushing her, in order to get rid of her, and to get my own life back. This I can see as being a control-freak.. doing what I do best..?!
If I can do this, won't this make me feel strong? When I finally achieve this, knowing that I was the only one able to fix myself and knowing the strength it took to beat Anna, won't this give the same sense of strength? Because, at the end of the day, I AM the only one who can fix myself. I'm the only one who can take control of this situation, no matter how many people are supporting me and wanting me to get better. There is no one else on this planet that is going to cure me.. except for me. How much more rewarding is it, when I will finally feel that I still DO have control, but that I'll be using it to make my life full again, to get my health back and to feel like a worthy human being..
I cannot believe that, just in the last 15 minutes I have come to realize this.. Even after writing it in a poem, but not knowing the answer.. not knowing what I could do, that would make me feel just as strong, and then Mark saying that being a control-freak doesn't have to be a bad thing.. It's like I've just been smacked in the face.. BUT IN A GREAT WAY!!!!
So.. It's my choice.. I'm going to get her out of my life, for good, I'm taking control, and I'm going to keep on fighting. I'm going to push myself.. everyday.. I will get there and I will be so much stronger for doing so.
Thank you so much Mark!! Love ya to bits!!!!
Long live the muesli!!!
Right, today, after yesterdays visit to Diann, it's time for me to add in an "extra food".
It doesn't always have to be a nutritious snack that's eaten at a set time or whatever. It was also be, just say at dinner, adding veggies to the protein and carbohydrates that I have to take.
I didn't decide on veggies.. not just yet. Diann and Ma suggested I add a tablespoon of muesli to my yogurt in the morning. Seeing as though Diann is on holidays next week, I have 2 weeks without a session (OH MY GOD!!..panic, panic.. ah no.. I'll get through it..), and by the time I go to see her on the 25th of August, she wants me to have increased the amount to 2,5 tablespoons. This should be no problem at all.. Seeing as though muesli is my ALL TIME FAVORITE FOOD!!(this might seem sarcastic.. but I'm being serious).
I'll tell you about me and my "relationship" with muesli..
When I was in Australia, I did a lot boozing and partying and along with all this, comes frequent visits to fast-foods places and mid night overeating of kebabs and pizza.. Well, for the people I would drink and party with. I would only, on the odd occasion, have something and then it would only be a tiny portion.
Whenever I went on a "bender" or a "boozing session" of a week or two, I always felt bad and knew that I was abusing my body. This made me feel gross and fat and just awful. So I would go jogging in 40 degree heat and I would also feel the need to detox my body (even though I never cut out the alcohol). I got into my head that in order for me to detox, all I needed to eat was fruit, yogurt and... yes here it comes.. MUESLI..
These foods are what I would live for months, along with 3 liters of green tea a day, and the alcohol consumption stayed the same, but I'd only drink vodka and orange juice (which is where I got a lot of vitamins from as well) or beer without "no-carbs" (yes, they have it Oz.. not over here though.. what a shame!!!)
My "detox-program" (which wasn't really a program, it just became my lifestyle) would be: breakfast/lunch (combined into 1) a big bowl of muesli. For dinner a bowl of yogurt with fruit,nuts and some more muesli. If I ever felt like snacking.. it would be a muesli bar or some dried fruit. I lived according to my detox-program for months, so I was convinced that my body was CONSTANTLY being cleansed and detoxed which compensated for all the alcohol I was drinking and the occasional slice of pizza.
I am, therefore fixated with muesli. I still see it as a food that treats me well, and that I'm allowed to eat, and if I want, I'm allowed to stuff my face with it..
Whenever I have been having my protein and carbohydrates for dinner, just say 4 or 5 nights in a row, then I feel like I have been so good that I'm allowed to treat myself to have a delicious bowl of muesli for my dinner and I feel so good while I'm eating it, I savor every mouthful and have no feelings of guilt afterwards.
Isn't it strange that something as simple as muesli can have that effect on someone..
So, that added in as my extra, is not a problem at all. I should be able to have the 2,5 tablespoons within a few days..
Long live the Muesli!!!!
It doesn't always have to be a nutritious snack that's eaten at a set time or whatever. It was also be, just say at dinner, adding veggies to the protein and carbohydrates that I have to take.
I didn't decide on veggies.. not just yet. Diann and Ma suggested I add a tablespoon of muesli to my yogurt in the morning. Seeing as though Diann is on holidays next week, I have 2 weeks without a session (OH MY GOD!!..panic, panic.. ah no.. I'll get through it..), and by the time I go to see her on the 25th of August, she wants me to have increased the amount to 2,5 tablespoons. This should be no problem at all.. Seeing as though muesli is my ALL TIME FAVORITE FOOD!!(this might seem sarcastic.. but I'm being serious).
I'll tell you about me and my "relationship" with muesli..
When I was in Australia, I did a lot boozing and partying and along with all this, comes frequent visits to fast-foods places and mid night overeating of kebabs and pizza.. Well, for the people I would drink and party with. I would only, on the odd occasion, have something and then it would only be a tiny portion.
Whenever I went on a "bender" or a "boozing session" of a week or two, I always felt bad and knew that I was abusing my body. This made me feel gross and fat and just awful. So I would go jogging in 40 degree heat and I would also feel the need to detox my body (even though I never cut out the alcohol). I got into my head that in order for me to detox, all I needed to eat was fruit, yogurt and... yes here it comes.. MUESLI..
These foods are what I would live for months, along with 3 liters of green tea a day, and the alcohol consumption stayed the same, but I'd only drink vodka and orange juice (which is where I got a lot of vitamins from as well) or beer without "no-carbs" (yes, they have it Oz.. not over here though.. what a shame!!!)
My "detox-program" (which wasn't really a program, it just became my lifestyle) would be: breakfast/lunch (combined into 1) a big bowl of muesli. For dinner a bowl of yogurt with fruit,nuts and some more muesli. If I ever felt like snacking.. it would be a muesli bar or some dried fruit. I lived according to my detox-program for months, so I was convinced that my body was CONSTANTLY being cleansed and detoxed which compensated for all the alcohol I was drinking and the occasional slice of pizza.
I am, therefore fixated with muesli. I still see it as a food that treats me well, and that I'm allowed to eat, and if I want, I'm allowed to stuff my face with it..
Whenever I have been having my protein and carbohydrates for dinner, just say 4 or 5 nights in a row, then I feel like I have been so good that I'm allowed to treat myself to have a delicious bowl of muesli for my dinner and I feel so good while I'm eating it, I savor every mouthful and have no feelings of guilt afterwards.
Isn't it strange that something as simple as muesli can have that effect on someone..
So, that added in as my extra, is not a problem at all. I should be able to have the 2,5 tablespoons within a few days..
Long live the Muesli!!!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Session number 6
Session number 6..
Monday afternoon, another visit to Diann.
After bottling up so much over the past few days and after not speaking for hardly any of them.. It was like a race against the clock, from the moment I went in. I didn't want to loose a second of our session..
The whole day I wasn't able to speak, because I was then afraid that I'd loose focus and forget what I want to get off my chest.
Like last week, I felt that I was just throwing all this aggression at her. No, frustration is probably a better word. I was just ranting on about nothing.. well that's what I felt like.
First of all, I totally was sick of the supplements, that was what was getting up my nose the most, at that moment. The whole week I was doing so well.. I wasn't really minding taking them, I just did it. They weren't making me feel all that bad. Not until Saturday.. Then they started to make me feel fuller and fuller..For the past 3 days or so I've been feeling sick in the morning and at night. Sick as in wanting to vomit. And there's nothing as bad as feeling that sick and still eating foods and drinking these supplements. It's gross. Yesterday it all reached a head.. I couldn't eat my dinner, I was so full, I sat with my noodles, I was shaking and I just couldn't get them down. I felt like I used to feel before anybody knew what was going on with me and they were all feeding me fatty disgusting foods. Yesterday I relived that awful feeling. I'm not sure why.. Probably because of feeling so full and at the same time visualizing my goal (a healthy, independent and adventurous life) while trying eat it (which makes me want to eat it so badly), but physically not been able to. And that made me angry with myself..angry with Anna. Then I felt like a failure.. and pathetic.. (I mean, come on, who on earth cannot just sit down and eat a bowl of noodles without leaving the table in tears.. how annoying!!).
The sickly feeling was still there this morning..
I struggled soooo much trying to my yogurt, I wanted to explode. It just made me so mad, and I was feeling so so bad. Mainly it's because my digestive system has slowed down. I'm eating so regular that I'm feeling full all the time. My whole insides have been effected by the lack of food for so long, that it's now unnatural for it all to work at a normal pace. And I'm paying for it now.. by being in "pain" constantly.
It should all start to get back to normal, slowly. But I need to keep it up. To me, that feels just so disgusting and wrong; knowing that I'm training my digestive system to get back to normal again. It scares me so much, because the more I train it, the more regular I will be needing to eat and my brain will slowly be adapting to normal eating patterns and telling me I'm hungry, and I know I will need to act on that to keep up this "training of my digestive system".
I know that slowly the days of being ABLE to live on nothing and starve myself for as long as possible will be history.. and I will slowly regain a normal eating pattern. This scares me so much. I am aware that this needs to happen to get my life, of course I do. Otherwise I won't get better and I won't beat this. But the more my body gets used to this, the more control I'm loosing.. And this feels so unnatural..
So the supplements.. yeah, at the moment I'm totally p*ssed off by them. But, as Diann said, for now they are keeping me out of hospital. I am aware of this, and I have taken them all, the whole week. No matter how bad they have been making me feel.. I haven't missed one. I have been eating all my extras as well, only yesterday I missed dinner. That was my only "loosing point" of the week.
Along with all these bad feelings, I have been noticing some positive effects of the supplements.. thank god there are a few anyway. They are giving me more energy, physically and mentally. I don't get as quickly out of breath as I did 2 weeks ago, the volume in my voice is coming back, I'm not as dizzy as I was when I'm talking (even though it hasn't totally gone yet) and my heart feels stronger (not too sure if this is possible, but I think so anyway). So.. as Fay would say : "Hurray for the supplements!".
In general it was a hectic week. Mainly because my sister and little nephew Aiden came over to visit from Holland. It was so great to see them. It really was. But it added to the pressure this week, all brought on by myself. But I couldn't help it.. I spent everyday analyzing my mood..worrying that I wasn't being social.. worrying that I was being a cow, worrying that I was being ungrateful for their visit.. I was wanting to talk, but not being able.. I was wanting to join in the laughs, but feeling so bad that I just really didn't care. I felt so bad towards them both.. (emma, I know you understand and that it wasn't a problem for you, really I do, but you know me, and feelings of guilt.. sorry), I wanted to run around with Aiden, pick him up, play with him and just be fun to be around. But I couldn't for lack of energy and good humor. Since Saturday morning I've been doom and gloom.. (I think there was this massive black just following me around, I couldn't escape it, no matter how hard I tried). Aiden is such a gorgeous little lad, love him to bits. Being around him made me become aware of how ill I am and made me feel so old and battered. It frustrated me that I wasn't able to give the attention I wanted.. probably a reason for me feeling so low.. And even though I wasn't able to express how happy I was to see him and to be around him, it really did open my eyes..
Last night, my sister Orla and boyfriend Arno and niece Enya got here. I'm worried a little that the same thing will happen. That I will be analyzing my mood and putting pressure on myself to lighten up and then if I don't it will make me feel bad.. But I know I shouldn't, so I will do my best, just to let myself be in the mood that I am feeling.. I have to learn that they DO understand and that I don't have put up a "front". I have to realize that I don't have to act differently than I'm feeling.
This will only drain me even more. It will make me feel more tired than I'm already feeling.. So, advice from Diann, just be true to your feelings Niamh!
Another issue arose. Last week, after my first day on 3 supplements I had a bit of "scare". I was taking my last supplement, and they always get my heart beating faster. And, this was a new, it also made my chest feel tight. It did freak out a little. My heart isn't the strongest at the moment, so ma said that if I was to have any chest pains, that I had to tell her, just to be safe. So I did and the next day I was sitting in the doctor's office. Her initial reaction (she seen me 3 weeks ago) was that I had to go into hospital, straight away. (It all kind of went above my head and I wasn't really grasping what exactly was going on, until ma told me afterwards in the car on the way home) She said I was looking so bad, that she felt we needed to speed things up a little. For me to go into hospital now, would mean I would go to the accident and emergency ward, be put on a trolley and would have to wait for a bed, which could take days. Ma said she wasn't even considering it. This wouldn't help me one bit. I wouldn't be eating anything, and it would only interfere with our own "program" that we've got going at the moment.. So when ma told me how awful, distressing and depressing it would be for me to have to go through that in hospital, I'm pretty happy that I'm in the comfort of my own home, and think that we are handling this all pretty well so far.
Here's why:
Recovering from this ordeal at home: How glorious it is and what is required:
1)Bed rest ---> It's my own bed!!! even though I'm not totally in that place yet.. but slowly I'm pushing myself to spend more hours with my feet up and resting my legs.. I should be taking naps during the day or more lie-downs..
2)Adding an extra food each week --->In hospital it would be a 3000 to 4000 cal diet.. from day 1, full of fat and bad scary foods.. How depressed would I be feeling then.. This gives me more control and a greater sense of achievement.
3)Supplements ---> I would have to take these in hospital as well, but it would be ALONG with the 3000cal intake through fatty foods. But again, I take these myself and still have that little bit of control (god, I must be a control freak, I'm certainly liking the word "control")
4)Family support ---> The best remedy for any kind of physical or mental pain.. and seeing as though I'm dealing with both at the moment.. the best place for me to be.. and THEY ARE ALL THE BEST!!! Also, having people around you, living normal lives and doing normal things, reminds you that one day (hopefully soon) I will be wanting to get my life back as well. It keeps me on my toes.
5)Inner strength---> This is a tricky one.. because you would also require this if you were in hospital.. But it comes in fierce handy, when Anna is on your shoulder giving out to you for lying in bed.. ugly cow that she is.. all the while constantly eating and ignoring the feeling of being full... at the same time.. Can you imagine how confused my poor brain is.. (First of all, starving and training myself not to act on hunger, and now the total opposite.. eating all the time even when I'm not hungry.. god I've really challenged my brain to say the least.. that's what I call brain training..who needs the "Nintendo DS"..)
6)Fingers that could type forever-->extremely handy, just to sort out all the sh*t and messy feelings that come along with all this food consumption, and to keep some of you guys entertained.
So all, in all, I was shocked that the doctor wanted me to go in straight away, but realized how lucky I am to be at home, and it also gave me a wake-up call.. an extra dose of realization hit home. I have pushed myself to my limits.. of 31 kilos.
Then the whole "time frame" issue was brought up.. I was ranting and raving about things that might happen in months to come.. and what if bla bla bla.. and how long this and how long that..?? Diann said "Hold on Niamh, where are you rushing off to...?".. "I have to go traveling!!, It's all waiting for me!".
And then, me being in my "not great mood" this afternoon, I said "right, I'm feeling fine anyhow, can I leave Ireland tomorrow?".. Not happening my friend, not by a long shot..
So, how long will this all take Diann?
Every person is different. Ever person has a different body. Ever person has different physical and mental strength. Of course there isn't a set time for the recovery of certain physical "damage" that has been done, but I was curious...:
1)Bed rest--> "How long?" I asked. Diann: "well, how long is a string?".. Hummm.... It has to end somewhere..when there's nothing more to unravel? Slowing down, will make it stop..?"(didn't quite get that one..) But the more I rest now, the sooner I will I rebuild my body. I have to learn to listen to my body and know when I have to rest. For the next weeks anyhow, I'm to rest as much as possible and do as little walking as possible.
2)Supplements--> "How long?" I asked. Well, this all depends on how I feel about them. At the moment I'm not liking them all that much. As soon as I feel that I am strong enough to be able to eat big enough meals to get the nutrition and calories I need, then I can slowly take less, and see how I adapt without them. Some girls are on them for a year. Some for 6 months.. I definitely still have a while (and to think.. I've only be taking them for 2 weeks... I just keep reminding myself..they are keeping me out of hospital)
3)Rebuilding muscle tissue--> "How long?".. Diann: "Rebuilding of muscle tissue, comes with bed rest.. the more you rest or even sit down now, the less you will need to in months to come. It can take a while." (That didn't really give me any indication)
4)Heart--> "How long?".. Diann: "Well, that depends on if there has been any damage done and if so, the extent. (I had a heart scan done, and it's very slow, not too sure what the medical terms are and what exactly is going on, but on Friday I have an appointment in the hospital in Dublin, and then we'll know more about what exactly is wrong..sounds real vague.. it is to me as well..).
There was this other issue that was starting to freak me out..
I have been having these strange "episodes" whenever I have been out of the house the past week (the past months to be quite honest). It's like, sometimes (it doesn't happen all the time, but last week it happened 3 times.. freaky man!) I would walk to the petrol station or just go down to the shops or whatever and I would become dazed, I would switch off to the outside world, I would be happy just to sit down anywhere and not move a muscle, just stare into space. The shops could burn down around and I wouldn't care, I'd be quite content to just sit there forever, not to speak or do anything.. It seems to be a case of "the lights are on but there's nobody home.." So strange. Afterwards when I then think back to what I did or where I went, I cannot believe that that person was me, and cannot understand why that feeling came upon me.
So....
Diann to the rescue.. "AM I GOING MENTAL??" According to Diann, this is because everything we do on a daily basis, involves a certain amount of stress. Even just being around people or going to the pub or socializing. In order to deal with certain situations your brain needs to be fueled with a certain amount of glucose. When the brain isn't fed enough, this "dazed" or "spaced-out" feeling protects yourself.. it happens automatically due to being malnourished. Doing anything, except just "being" is an effort for my body at the moment. Sometimes it's so hard to realize this, but during every session, Diann would bring it up.. Just as a reminder.
Well, It was, again, a real good hour of just throwing out lots of things.. very muddled I was, but I managed to take a lot from it. The human body is a crazy place and it has made me more curious as to how it all works exactly. I know quite a bit (well, I like to think I do..haha), but I think I'd like to know more, It would definitely help to see how important nutrition is and I could become more aware of what exactly is going on in my body right now as well.
Once I was finished ranting and raving, I was actually feeling breathless, my heart was pounding, I felt like I had just run a marathon or had an intensive work out in the gym.. Mam said: "Niamh, that's the most you've spoken since Friday".. And that was it, I sat back in the seat and was exhausted.. letting everything rattle around in these confused little braincells of mine and started reliving what was said and trying to take as much from it as possible..
I reckon I did okay.. Time for bed now!!! Nighty night!
Monday afternoon, another visit to Diann.
After bottling up so much over the past few days and after not speaking for hardly any of them.. It was like a race against the clock, from the moment I went in. I didn't want to loose a second of our session..
The whole day I wasn't able to speak, because I was then afraid that I'd loose focus and forget what I want to get off my chest.
Like last week, I felt that I was just throwing all this aggression at her. No, frustration is probably a better word. I was just ranting on about nothing.. well that's what I felt like.
First of all, I totally was sick of the supplements, that was what was getting up my nose the most, at that moment. The whole week I was doing so well.. I wasn't really minding taking them, I just did it. They weren't making me feel all that bad. Not until Saturday.. Then they started to make me feel fuller and fuller..For the past 3 days or so I've been feeling sick in the morning and at night. Sick as in wanting to vomit. And there's nothing as bad as feeling that sick and still eating foods and drinking these supplements. It's gross. Yesterday it all reached a head.. I couldn't eat my dinner, I was so full, I sat with my noodles, I was shaking and I just couldn't get them down. I felt like I used to feel before anybody knew what was going on with me and they were all feeding me fatty disgusting foods. Yesterday I relived that awful feeling. I'm not sure why.. Probably because of feeling so full and at the same time visualizing my goal (a healthy, independent and adventurous life) while trying eat it (which makes me want to eat it so badly), but physically not been able to. And that made me angry with myself..angry with Anna. Then I felt like a failure.. and pathetic.. (I mean, come on, who on earth cannot just sit down and eat a bowl of noodles without leaving the table in tears.. how annoying!!).
The sickly feeling was still there this morning..
I struggled soooo much trying to my yogurt, I wanted to explode. It just made me so mad, and I was feeling so so bad. Mainly it's because my digestive system has slowed down. I'm eating so regular that I'm feeling full all the time. My whole insides have been effected by the lack of food for so long, that it's now unnatural for it all to work at a normal pace. And I'm paying for it now.. by being in "pain" constantly.
It should all start to get back to normal, slowly. But I need to keep it up. To me, that feels just so disgusting and wrong; knowing that I'm training my digestive system to get back to normal again. It scares me so much, because the more I train it, the more regular I will be needing to eat and my brain will slowly be adapting to normal eating patterns and telling me I'm hungry, and I know I will need to act on that to keep up this "training of my digestive system".
I know that slowly the days of being ABLE to live on nothing and starve myself for as long as possible will be history.. and I will slowly regain a normal eating pattern. This scares me so much. I am aware that this needs to happen to get my life, of course I do. Otherwise I won't get better and I won't beat this. But the more my body gets used to this, the more control I'm loosing.. And this feels so unnatural..
So the supplements.. yeah, at the moment I'm totally p*ssed off by them. But, as Diann said, for now they are keeping me out of hospital. I am aware of this, and I have taken them all, the whole week. No matter how bad they have been making me feel.. I haven't missed one. I have been eating all my extras as well, only yesterday I missed dinner. That was my only "loosing point" of the week.
Along with all these bad feelings, I have been noticing some positive effects of the supplements.. thank god there are a few anyway. They are giving me more energy, physically and mentally. I don't get as quickly out of breath as I did 2 weeks ago, the volume in my voice is coming back, I'm not as dizzy as I was when I'm talking (even though it hasn't totally gone yet) and my heart feels stronger (not too sure if this is possible, but I think so anyway). So.. as Fay would say : "Hurray for the supplements!".
In general it was a hectic week. Mainly because my sister and little nephew Aiden came over to visit from Holland. It was so great to see them. It really was. But it added to the pressure this week, all brought on by myself. But I couldn't help it.. I spent everyday analyzing my mood..worrying that I wasn't being social.. worrying that I was being a cow, worrying that I was being ungrateful for their visit.. I was wanting to talk, but not being able.. I was wanting to join in the laughs, but feeling so bad that I just really didn't care. I felt so bad towards them both.. (emma, I know you understand and that it wasn't a problem for you, really I do, but you know me, and feelings of guilt.. sorry), I wanted to run around with Aiden, pick him up, play with him and just be fun to be around. But I couldn't for lack of energy and good humor. Since Saturday morning I've been doom and gloom.. (I think there was this massive black just following me around, I couldn't escape it, no matter how hard I tried). Aiden is such a gorgeous little lad, love him to bits. Being around him made me become aware of how ill I am and made me feel so old and battered. It frustrated me that I wasn't able to give the attention I wanted.. probably a reason for me feeling so low.. And even though I wasn't able to express how happy I was to see him and to be around him, it really did open my eyes..
Last night, my sister Orla and boyfriend Arno and niece Enya got here. I'm worried a little that the same thing will happen. That I will be analyzing my mood and putting pressure on myself to lighten up and then if I don't it will make me feel bad.. But I know I shouldn't, so I will do my best, just to let myself be in the mood that I am feeling.. I have to learn that they DO understand and that I don't have put up a "front". I have to realize that I don't have to act differently than I'm feeling.
This will only drain me even more. It will make me feel more tired than I'm already feeling.. So, advice from Diann, just be true to your feelings Niamh!
Another issue arose. Last week, after my first day on 3 supplements I had a bit of "scare". I was taking my last supplement, and they always get my heart beating faster. And, this was a new, it also made my chest feel tight. It did freak out a little. My heart isn't the strongest at the moment, so ma said that if I was to have any chest pains, that I had to tell her, just to be safe. So I did and the next day I was sitting in the doctor's office. Her initial reaction (she seen me 3 weeks ago) was that I had to go into hospital, straight away. (It all kind of went above my head and I wasn't really grasping what exactly was going on, until ma told me afterwards in the car on the way home) She said I was looking so bad, that she felt we needed to speed things up a little. For me to go into hospital now, would mean I would go to the accident and emergency ward, be put on a trolley and would have to wait for a bed, which could take days. Ma said she wasn't even considering it. This wouldn't help me one bit. I wouldn't be eating anything, and it would only interfere with our own "program" that we've got going at the moment.. So when ma told me how awful, distressing and depressing it would be for me to have to go through that in hospital, I'm pretty happy that I'm in the comfort of my own home, and think that we are handling this all pretty well so far.
Here's why:
Recovering from this ordeal at home: How glorious it is and what is required:
1)Bed rest ---> It's my own bed!!! even though I'm not totally in that place yet.. but slowly I'm pushing myself to spend more hours with my feet up and resting my legs.. I should be taking naps during the day or more lie-downs..
2)Adding an extra food each week --->In hospital it would be a 3000 to 4000 cal diet.. from day 1, full of fat and bad scary foods.. How depressed would I be feeling then.. This gives me more control and a greater sense of achievement.
3)Supplements ---> I would have to take these in hospital as well, but it would be ALONG with the 3000cal intake through fatty foods. But again, I take these myself and still have that little bit of control (god, I must be a control freak, I'm certainly liking the word "control")
4)Family support ---> The best remedy for any kind of physical or mental pain.. and seeing as though I'm dealing with both at the moment.. the best place for me to be.. and THEY ARE ALL THE BEST!!! Also, having people around you, living normal lives and doing normal things, reminds you that one day (hopefully soon) I will be wanting to get my life back as well. It keeps me on my toes.
5)Inner strength---> This is a tricky one.. because you would also require this if you were in hospital.. But it comes in fierce handy, when Anna is on your shoulder giving out to you for lying in bed.. ugly cow that she is.. all the while constantly eating and ignoring the feeling of being full... at the same time.. Can you imagine how confused my poor brain is.. (First of all, starving and training myself not to act on hunger, and now the total opposite.. eating all the time even when I'm not hungry.. god I've really challenged my brain to say the least.. that's what I call brain training..who needs the "Nintendo DS"..)
6)Fingers that could type forever-->extremely handy, just to sort out all the sh*t and messy feelings that come along with all this food consumption, and to keep some of you guys entertained.
So all, in all, I was shocked that the doctor wanted me to go in straight away, but realized how lucky I am to be at home, and it also gave me a wake-up call.. an extra dose of realization hit home. I have pushed myself to my limits.. of 31 kilos.
Then the whole "time frame" issue was brought up.. I was ranting and raving about things that might happen in months to come.. and what if bla bla bla.. and how long this and how long that..?? Diann said "Hold on Niamh, where are you rushing off to...?".. "I have to go traveling!!, It's all waiting for me!".
And then, me being in my "not great mood" this afternoon, I said "right, I'm feeling fine anyhow, can I leave Ireland tomorrow?".. Not happening my friend, not by a long shot..
So, how long will this all take Diann?
Every person is different. Ever person has a different body. Ever person has different physical and mental strength. Of course there isn't a set time for the recovery of certain physical "damage" that has been done, but I was curious...:
1)Bed rest--> "How long?" I asked. Diann: "well, how long is a string?".. Hummm.... It has to end somewhere..when there's nothing more to unravel? Slowing down, will make it stop..?"(didn't quite get that one..) But the more I rest now, the sooner I will I rebuild my body. I have to learn to listen to my body and know when I have to rest. For the next weeks anyhow, I'm to rest as much as possible and do as little walking as possible.
2)Supplements--> "How long?" I asked. Well, this all depends on how I feel about them. At the moment I'm not liking them all that much. As soon as I feel that I am strong enough to be able to eat big enough meals to get the nutrition and calories I need, then I can slowly take less, and see how I adapt without them. Some girls are on them for a year. Some for 6 months.. I definitely still have a while (and to think.. I've only be taking them for 2 weeks... I just keep reminding myself..they are keeping me out of hospital)
3)Rebuilding muscle tissue--> "How long?".. Diann: "Rebuilding of muscle tissue, comes with bed rest.. the more you rest or even sit down now, the less you will need to in months to come. It can take a while." (That didn't really give me any indication)
4)Heart--> "How long?".. Diann: "Well, that depends on if there has been any damage done and if so, the extent. (I had a heart scan done, and it's very slow, not too sure what the medical terms are and what exactly is going on, but on Friday I have an appointment in the hospital in Dublin, and then we'll know more about what exactly is wrong..sounds real vague.. it is to me as well..).
There was this other issue that was starting to freak me out..
I have been having these strange "episodes" whenever I have been out of the house the past week (the past months to be quite honest). It's like, sometimes (it doesn't happen all the time, but last week it happened 3 times.. freaky man!) I would walk to the petrol station or just go down to the shops or whatever and I would become dazed, I would switch off to the outside world, I would be happy just to sit down anywhere and not move a muscle, just stare into space. The shops could burn down around and I wouldn't care, I'd be quite content to just sit there forever, not to speak or do anything.. It seems to be a case of "the lights are on but there's nobody home.." So strange. Afterwards when I then think back to what I did or where I went, I cannot believe that that person was me, and cannot understand why that feeling came upon me.
So....
Diann to the rescue.. "AM I GOING MENTAL??" According to Diann, this is because everything we do on a daily basis, involves a certain amount of stress. Even just being around people or going to the pub or socializing. In order to deal with certain situations your brain needs to be fueled with a certain amount of glucose. When the brain isn't fed enough, this "dazed" or "spaced-out" feeling protects yourself.. it happens automatically due to being malnourished. Doing anything, except just "being" is an effort for my body at the moment. Sometimes it's so hard to realize this, but during every session, Diann would bring it up.. Just as a reminder.
Well, It was, again, a real good hour of just throwing out lots of things.. very muddled I was, but I managed to take a lot from it. The human body is a crazy place and it has made me more curious as to how it all works exactly. I know quite a bit (well, I like to think I do..haha), but I think I'd like to know more, It would definitely help to see how important nutrition is and I could become more aware of what exactly is going on in my body right now as well.
Once I was finished ranting and raving, I was actually feeling breathless, my heart was pounding, I felt like I had just run a marathon or had an intensive work out in the gym.. Mam said: "Niamh, that's the most you've spoken since Friday".. And that was it, I sat back in the seat and was exhausted.. letting everything rattle around in these confused little braincells of mine and started reliving what was said and trying to take as much from it as possible..
I reckon I did okay.. Time for bed now!!! Nighty night!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Sick to my stomach
Trying so hard to ignore the way I feel.
So sickly and full, it feels so wrong.
How could I do this, make me feel this way?
When will the feeling of hunger come along?
Will that feeling ever be mine again?
The one I love and therefore try to prolong.
It's hunger I want, need and thrive upon
But for days now it seems be have gone.
I long for it, so badly I can't describe
The emptiness and pain, to me it should belong
Has it gone forever, should I have said goodbye?
Is there anything else I do to make me feel strong?
I'm trying to ignore it and wish it away
A full feeling in my stomach, it's been so long
I could vomit at the thought, and of the amount
It just seems so unnatural and therefore so wrong.
So sickly and full, it feels so wrong.
How could I do this, make me feel this way?
When will the feeling of hunger come along?
Will that feeling ever be mine again?
The one I love and therefore try to prolong.
It's hunger I want, need and thrive upon
But for days now it seems be have gone.
I long for it, so badly I can't describe
The emptiness and pain, to me it should belong
Has it gone forever, should I have said goodbye?
Is there anything else I do to make me feel strong?
I'm trying to ignore it and wish it away
A full feeling in my stomach, it's been so long
I could vomit at the thought, and of the amount
It just seems so unnatural and therefore so wrong.
The Rituals..
Little rituals and habits that have taken over my life.
Every person who suffers from a personal Anna, has their own daily rituals that takes over their life from day to day. They start as just little things, like the way some people read the paper in the morning, "we" also have our own things we do the same, day in, day out.. After all, our whole life and therefore the whole world revolves around food..
I never really seen how and when they started to take over my life, because it happened so slowly.. It becomes "you".
I have an endless list of things I would do everyday..
Whenever I start my day, I would have one pot of yogurt (120 ml), with a sprinkle of pumpkin and sunflower seeds, and 6 almonds, cut into 2, which means I can savor the taste of the almonds 12 times! This I would have to put in the same bowl, every time, because if I put in a different bowl (bigger for instance) it looks less and that would mean that I would want more when I've finished the bowl, and that's a definite no-no..
I would sit, with 1 liter of green tea (this cleanses the body, another obsession of mine) and read my book. But I'm only allowed to take a mouthful after I have read 2 pages. All the while, drinking my yummy tea. It would usually take me an hour to finish it, if there are distractions, it could take anything up to 2 hours, which is pretty ridiculous and then I just get sick of it, and throw it away. I prefer to be totally alone as well, nobody around, just me and my book and my yogurt.
Lunch, I don't eat. I stopped that when I stopped working (beginning of June). I convinced myself that I don't need 3 meals a day, if I'm not doing anything "productive". When I did work, I ate a tiny bit of muesli and yogurt in the morning (this would only take me 15 minutes), I would do 20 minutes of yoga, walk 20 minutes to work, have 2 slices of brown bread at 1 o clock. I'd usually work until 5 or 6, walk home 20 minutes, after thinking all day about what I was going to have for dinner.. and dreaming about food but despising everyone around me because my colleagues just seemed to eat their way through the day. My dinners then would usually be some toast, or maybe a roll, or a bit of noodles or rice (that was if I could stomach it) but my favorite meal, which really isn't a meal, would be a bowl of muesli with some yogurt and nuts, maybe some fruit as well.. If I was allowed to, i'd live on this.. but I'm not allowed. Much to my disgust..
On the days that I wasn't working, I wouldn't let myself eat 3 times.. no way.. I would try and sleep until 11 o clock, this way I would be able to have breakfast/lunch in one. I still don't eat lunch. But my extras and supplements are starting to make up for it at the moment (really not too chuffed about that).
Another thing, is spices. My dinner has to be smothered in spices and herbs.. Sometimes it's just insane. For example.. If I were to have some toast for dinner.. I would have 2 slices and cut them up into 8 little pieces (this is another "ritual".. the more little pieces there are, the longer it takes to eat and again savor every bite). On every piece I would put a different taste. On one I'd have a piece of cheese with spices, the other some garlic spices, the other some Indian spices, the other chili spices, the other some ham with Italian spices. This with a pint of green tea.. Gorgeous. I would be thinking about it all day long, dreaming about it, and counting down the hours.. when was the last time I ate and how many hours have I got to go..? It wouldn't take me an hour, this is only my breakfast ritual. I have forced myself to keep up the "speed" when it comes to my dinner.. just for it not to get totally out of whack.
I would also try to have 16 hours without food. This would be tricky at times. My dinner, finished at around 6.. so then breakfast, starts at around 10 the following morning. I was able to do this, up until Monday.. since the "3 supplements" have made their entrance, I have had to reschedule the whole day.. but that's a story for another time..
Looking at the time is also something that I would constantly be focused on. How long have I been sitting? If I'm sitting, can I keep my brain active instead? What can I do to make the time go faster, so I can eat again? If I would have energy at night, and I'm sitting on the sofa, watching telly, I would secretly do belly crunches, while dreaming about what I want to have for dinner tomorrow. I would tense them up to 750 times.. sometimes, when I've too much energy, I would do 1500 crunches. I would sit there, and count in my head. First I would count to 50, that's 1 finger.. until all 5 fingers are accounted for, then I know I've done 250 crunches, and that I would want to do at least 2 to 4 times over. Then I know that I haven't lost count of the amount of belly crunches I have done (because anybody I'm watching telly with, doesn't have a clue that I'm doing it, so they can distract me, but I will never loose count!).
This I don't do every night..only sometimes.
Sitting around the house so much, if I'm doing some cleaning or just "pottering about", I would leave certain things upstairs or lying around, just so I have to walk up the stairs that extra time.. to be busier just those few more minutes.. 2 minutes walking up and down the stairs is far better than 2 minutes sitting on my behind.
And then there's the food recipes. I love cookbooks.. I love reading the ingredients, I love watching food programs.. Love the look of food in magazines, on the adds, on billboards, in the supermarket.. everywhere.. Even watching a movie, I would nearly want to press pause, just to see what they are eating.
Enjoying cooking and feeding other people. Glorious. I was never someone who could cook or who was interested in it, or was good at it.. not at all. But now, I would happily prepare a 3 course meal and sit and watch everyone enjoy it.
It's apparently because the brain isn't getting enough of all this, that it's all it's focused on, to get me to eat and remind me that I need food.
It's so weird, these rituals, and when they start to get disrupted.. it's scary.. It's like the weighing scales, that's gone and it's scary. Once the rituals start to break down, it's scary. And it's happening at the moment.. Because of these supplements.
It freaks me out to think of my day not starting with an hour of reading with my pot of yogurt.. I don't want to have to think about that now.. But I feel that they will have to slowly be broken down.. stepping away from each ritual, one step at a time..
Every person who suffers from a personal Anna, has their own daily rituals that takes over their life from day to day. They start as just little things, like the way some people read the paper in the morning, "we" also have our own things we do the same, day in, day out.. After all, our whole life and therefore the whole world revolves around food..
I never really seen how and when they started to take over my life, because it happened so slowly.. It becomes "you".
I have an endless list of things I would do everyday..
Whenever I start my day, I would have one pot of yogurt (120 ml), with a sprinkle of pumpkin and sunflower seeds, and 6 almonds, cut into 2, which means I can savor the taste of the almonds 12 times! This I would have to put in the same bowl, every time, because if I put in a different bowl (bigger for instance) it looks less and that would mean that I would want more when I've finished the bowl, and that's a definite no-no..
I would sit, with 1 liter of green tea (this cleanses the body, another obsession of mine) and read my book. But I'm only allowed to take a mouthful after I have read 2 pages. All the while, drinking my yummy tea. It would usually take me an hour to finish it, if there are distractions, it could take anything up to 2 hours, which is pretty ridiculous and then I just get sick of it, and throw it away. I prefer to be totally alone as well, nobody around, just me and my book and my yogurt.
Lunch, I don't eat. I stopped that when I stopped working (beginning of June). I convinced myself that I don't need 3 meals a day, if I'm not doing anything "productive". When I did work, I ate a tiny bit of muesli and yogurt in the morning (this would only take me 15 minutes), I would do 20 minutes of yoga, walk 20 minutes to work, have 2 slices of brown bread at 1 o clock. I'd usually work until 5 or 6, walk home 20 minutes, after thinking all day about what I was going to have for dinner.. and dreaming about food but despising everyone around me because my colleagues just seemed to eat their way through the day. My dinners then would usually be some toast, or maybe a roll, or a bit of noodles or rice (that was if I could stomach it) but my favorite meal, which really isn't a meal, would be a bowl of muesli with some yogurt and nuts, maybe some fruit as well.. If I was allowed to, i'd live on this.. but I'm not allowed. Much to my disgust..
On the days that I wasn't working, I wouldn't let myself eat 3 times.. no way.. I would try and sleep until 11 o clock, this way I would be able to have breakfast/lunch in one. I still don't eat lunch. But my extras and supplements are starting to make up for it at the moment (really not too chuffed about that).
Another thing, is spices. My dinner has to be smothered in spices and herbs.. Sometimes it's just insane. For example.. If I were to have some toast for dinner.. I would have 2 slices and cut them up into 8 little pieces (this is another "ritual".. the more little pieces there are, the longer it takes to eat and again savor every bite). On every piece I would put a different taste. On one I'd have a piece of cheese with spices, the other some garlic spices, the other some Indian spices, the other chili spices, the other some ham with Italian spices. This with a pint of green tea.. Gorgeous. I would be thinking about it all day long, dreaming about it, and counting down the hours.. when was the last time I ate and how many hours have I got to go..? It wouldn't take me an hour, this is only my breakfast ritual. I have forced myself to keep up the "speed" when it comes to my dinner.. just for it not to get totally out of whack.
I would also try to have 16 hours without food. This would be tricky at times. My dinner, finished at around 6.. so then breakfast, starts at around 10 the following morning. I was able to do this, up until Monday.. since the "3 supplements" have made their entrance, I have had to reschedule the whole day.. but that's a story for another time..
Looking at the time is also something that I would constantly be focused on. How long have I been sitting? If I'm sitting, can I keep my brain active instead? What can I do to make the time go faster, so I can eat again? If I would have energy at night, and I'm sitting on the sofa, watching telly, I would secretly do belly crunches, while dreaming about what I want to have for dinner tomorrow. I would tense them up to 750 times.. sometimes, when I've too much energy, I would do 1500 crunches. I would sit there, and count in my head. First I would count to 50, that's 1 finger.. until all 5 fingers are accounted for, then I know I've done 250 crunches, and that I would want to do at least 2 to 4 times over. Then I know that I haven't lost count of the amount of belly crunches I have done (because anybody I'm watching telly with, doesn't have a clue that I'm doing it, so they can distract me, but I will never loose count!).
This I don't do every night..only sometimes.
Sitting around the house so much, if I'm doing some cleaning or just "pottering about", I would leave certain things upstairs or lying around, just so I have to walk up the stairs that extra time.. to be busier just those few more minutes.. 2 minutes walking up and down the stairs is far better than 2 minutes sitting on my behind.
And then there's the food recipes. I love cookbooks.. I love reading the ingredients, I love watching food programs.. Love the look of food in magazines, on the adds, on billboards, in the supermarket.. everywhere.. Even watching a movie, I would nearly want to press pause, just to see what they are eating.
Enjoying cooking and feeding other people. Glorious. I was never someone who could cook or who was interested in it, or was good at it.. not at all. But now, I would happily prepare a 3 course meal and sit and watch everyone enjoy it.
It's apparently because the brain isn't getting enough of all this, that it's all it's focused on, to get me to eat and remind me that I need food.
It's so weird, these rituals, and when they start to get disrupted.. it's scary.. It's like the weighing scales, that's gone and it's scary. Once the rituals start to break down, it's scary. And it's happening at the moment.. Because of these supplements.
It freaks me out to think of my day not starting with an hour of reading with my pot of yogurt.. I don't want to have to think about that now.. But I feel that they will have to slowly be broken down.. stepping away from each ritual, one step at a time..
The Witch in the Hotpress
Yesterday, Saturday, a tiring day with emotions that I thought I wasn't able to handle.
It was so much, I didn't know where to start. I knew I should have just focused on my meals, and on getting my food and saving my energy. But I just couldn't seem to ignore all the stuff going around in my head. I wanted to, but it was too much. And I really hadn't a clue what to do.
Even writing didn't help..
On Friday, my auntie Ann, paid me a visit. She brought me up a "present". She brought me up an ugly looking doll, it was a frog dressed as a witch.. Not a pretty sight. She asked me if she resembles someone that I know. And all of a sudden, I knew what she meant. It was Anna. She had brought me Anna. "Why?" I hear yourself ask.. Well, I can torture her, I can beat her and treat her like a heap of sh*t to make her feel like a she makes me feel.. She also brought me up a small little angle.. And she resembles Fay. She's beautiful. She's small, because she still has a lot of growing to do.
So, back to yesterday..
I sat here, nearly breaking the keyboard, didn't want anyone to know how bad I was feeling, I was sick of being a grumpy cow and sick of being me.. Then I knew what to do.. I went upstairs, with Anna, shut myself away in the bedroom and I just went mad. I tore her clothes, I tried to rip her to shreds, I stabbed her, I threw her around the room, using all my strength, until I broke down. Until it was all out. Until I felt like I had made her feel just as bad as she was making me feel at that moment.
I was then exhausted and just lay on the bed.. Not knowing what to think or feel.. not knowing how I got myself in this awful state of mind and how I got to feeling so bad. Would it ever go away?
I can't think about that the answer to that question right now.. it's too scary.
But all I can say, is that I did something good with my anger, aggression and frustration yesterday. And I am forever grateful, Ann, for giving me this solution..
Yesterday, you were my star, and saved my day..
Anna, is presently, in the hot press in a black sack.. until she pushes my buttons again..
It was so much, I didn't know where to start. I knew I should have just focused on my meals, and on getting my food and saving my energy. But I just couldn't seem to ignore all the stuff going around in my head. I wanted to, but it was too much. And I really hadn't a clue what to do.
Even writing didn't help..
On Friday, my auntie Ann, paid me a visit. She brought me up a "present". She brought me up an ugly looking doll, it was a frog dressed as a witch.. Not a pretty sight. She asked me if she resembles someone that I know. And all of a sudden, I knew what she meant. It was Anna. She had brought me Anna. "Why?" I hear yourself ask.. Well, I can torture her, I can beat her and treat her like a heap of sh*t to make her feel like a she makes me feel.. She also brought me up a small little angle.. And she resembles Fay. She's beautiful. She's small, because she still has a lot of growing to do.
So, back to yesterday..
I sat here, nearly breaking the keyboard, didn't want anyone to know how bad I was feeling, I was sick of being a grumpy cow and sick of being me.. Then I knew what to do.. I went upstairs, with Anna, shut myself away in the bedroom and I just went mad. I tore her clothes, I tried to rip her to shreds, I stabbed her, I threw her around the room, using all my strength, until I broke down. Until it was all out. Until I felt like I had made her feel just as bad as she was making me feel at that moment.
I was then exhausted and just lay on the bed.. Not knowing what to think or feel.. not knowing how I got myself in this awful state of mind and how I got to feeling so bad. Would it ever go away?
I can't think about that the answer to that question right now.. it's too scary.
But all I can say, is that I did something good with my anger, aggression and frustration yesterday. And I am forever grateful, Ann, for giving me this solution..
Yesterday, you were my star, and saved my day..
Anna, is presently, in the hot press in a black sack.. until she pushes my buttons again..
Feeling Good makes me feel Bad
Whenever I'm feeling fine, I hate it.
Whenever I'm feeling rested, I hate it.
Whenever my legs aren't sore, I hate it.
Whenever my brain is functioning normal, I hate it.
Whenever I get a compliment, it makes me angry.
Whenever someone is proud of me, I don't see why.
Whenever people want me to feel good, it's makes me feel bad.
Whenever I need to look after myself, I despise myself.
Don't tell me how well I'm doing, just let me be.
Don't be happy when I put on weight, just let me be.
Don't throw positive thoughts at me, just let me be.
Don't mean well by wanting me recovered, just let me be.
I want to feel bad, I want to feel drained.
I want to feel sore, I want to push.
My legs aren't sore, this is not good.
My body feels rested, so I am a piece of s***.
It pushes me in the wrong direction.
It pushes me to make myself feel bad.
It pushes me to want to support Anna.
It pushes me to push even more.
Best interests, are all well and good.
Best interests, I know are from the heart.
At this moment, it gets too much for me to bear.
Because at this moment, I'm not sure whether I'm here or there.
Whenever I'm feeling rested, I hate it.
Whenever my legs aren't sore, I hate it.
Whenever my brain is functioning normal, I hate it.
Whenever I get a compliment, it makes me angry.
Whenever someone is proud of me, I don't see why.
Whenever people want me to feel good, it's makes me feel bad.
Whenever I need to look after myself, I despise myself.
Don't tell me how well I'm doing, just let me be.
Don't be happy when I put on weight, just let me be.
Don't throw positive thoughts at me, just let me be.
Don't mean well by wanting me recovered, just let me be.
I want to feel bad, I want to feel drained.
I want to feel sore, I want to push.
My legs aren't sore, this is not good.
My body feels rested, so I am a piece of s***.
It pushes me in the wrong direction.
It pushes me to make myself feel bad.
It pushes me to want to support Anna.
It pushes me to push even more.
Best interests, are all well and good.
Best interests, I know are from the heart.
At this moment, it gets too much for me to bear.
Because at this moment, I'm not sure whether I'm here or there.
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