Everything is going very well. After this week, I'm feeling more and more at ease and am so happy that I'm letting the world know my plans. But, one little thing that I've been asking myself over and over again since my plans for Australia have been coming together.. and that's: When will it ever be enough??
By "enough" I mean, when will I ever see that what I'm doing is already alot, and that I therefore don't need to feel like I'm not doing as much as I should be doing? This has been a subject that I've spoken to Diann about on a number of occasions. And with this in the back of my mind, yesterday, after telling Mr. Acupuncturist my plans, he made those feelings of "never being satisfied by anything I do", all come to the surface. We were chatting about my plans, and he was genuinely delighted for me. But not shocked at all. Then he asked me if I was stopping-off anywhere before landing in Oz. I said that I'd been thinking about India, but that I'm not going to put more pressure on myself and that I'll get there when once I start gallivanting around again. But then he actually recommended I go to India!! I couldn't believe it.. What was he doing to me???!!!!
He's very much into traveling, alternative healing and Eastern medicine (well, that is pretty obvious seeing as though he's an acupuncturist) and he's been to India himself and also knows people who have gone to India for a couple of weeks or months (!!!!) after recovering from one illness or another and have gotten so much stronger by being there. Of course it depends on what you do..if I were to go I'd do a yoga retreat, with meditations and stuff and I'd stay in an ashram for a while (they are special resorts where they practise the arts of Buddhism).
But hearing him say that it would do me the world of good, just brought me into enormous temptation. I just wanted him to stop talking about it, because the more I heard the bigger the urge got, for me to take his advise. So with that playing on my mind, all last night, I got a little frustrated and couldn't see how or when, whatever I do or not matter what I achieve in life, will ever be enough.. I'm already doing a pretty big thing, by going back to Oz but as soon as that idea has settled and I feel fine with it, it's not enough and I want more. I can't help wanting everything, right now!!
Why can't I just ignore what Mr. Acupuncturist said and still feel excited by going to Australia (of course, I am excited, and can't wait for it to happen)..but still..India makes the excitement for Australia feel a lot less. Why does it feel like something small I'm about to do, when really it's not? Diann has spoken to me before about this topic, so yesterday I was constantly reminding myself of what she said.. "Nothing will ever be enough" as we always listen to those thoughts that feed on that destructive feeling of not being able to be happy and fulfilled without always aiming for a major achievement. The underlying drive of an eating disorder.. "nothing will ever be enough". The more I tell myself that I won't be happy, with just going to Australia, the more I forget or the more I overlook the journey and this big step that I'm taking. It sinks away and gets overshadowed by fear that if I don't get out there in the world asap, then I'll never get to do all that I want to. And fear is what the mind loves, it keeps it ticking along and keeps it active..but doesn't serve a purpose. If anything, it throws you off-course and mucks up all that can be done with the great feelings of what living out this amazing day, this amazing life, this amazing dream, right here, right now.. Which is such a shame. And it's so so draining, to say the least.
But knowing what is happening to my thoughts, when Mr. Acupuncturist for example tempts me into stopping in India for a short while, and looking at it from a distance, tells me what I already know.. and that's simply that there is no fear of not doing more and being all that I want to be. There is no fear that I won't get to do it all, once I've been "testing the water", in a country I love so much. As long as I remind myself of the fact that my mind will never be satisfied with whatever I will achieve in this life, then I'll be able to look inside and know that for now, I'm doing what I need and I'm doing what's best for me.
However sometimes the urge of wanting to achieve more, can be good. Because it makes you make your own experiences. That's how life happens. But as long as it comes from within and for love and passion for life and not for fear of not achieving. And the issues about going to India.. I know I'll get there someday. But it simply cannot be my next step. If I get to Oz, and still feel that massive urge of going, then there's nothing stopping me. But right now, it would simply be too much -although we can never know anything for certain, we can only presume..
No matter how much I'd love to and no matter how much I want to do absolutely everything, I still have to think rationally. I don't want to overdo it. I don't want to take the risk of getting diarrhoea for example (like I did a few weeks ago) or a stomach bug, and losing weight and undoing so much good that I've done. My weight still hasn't stabilised. I still need more weight so I'll be more stable and more able to fight stomach bugs or viruses (which are pretty common in such countries) without running the risk of any old stuff being triggered. There's also the vaccinations I'd have to get. I'd need a couple more, and I don't know how my body would react.
Another thing I have to remind myself of, is that Mr. Acupuncturist and his advice isn't always what I need to hear or follow. I remember back in October or November and he was encouraging me to walk, when I knew it was too soon. I simply couldn't walk 10 minutes down the road, without feeling I wanted to lie down and go for a nap. He wrecked my head and made me feel like a failure for not walking or being active. But no matter how much he tried to push and no matter how awful it made me feel about myself, I didn't do it. I cried for days and was in tears when I was telling Diann just how bad it made me feel. But I still ignored him because I would have done myself damage. Even on Monday, when I was with Diann, she brought up that subject and said that me listening to my body instead of Mr. Acupuncturists advice to go walking again (which was what did me so much damage back in June and July), was one of the things that have made my recovery go so rapidly and I' now benefiting from the decision I made back then. I saved my reserves, to rebuild tissue, instead of overdoing it.. it would have prolonged my recovery if I would have listened to him. Instead I'm back on my feet, quicker and sooner than I and everyone around, had anticipated. All because I listened to my own needs and rested.. my physical pain was therefore less than my mental and emotional pain. But that's what was needed and now I can be reassured that I'll always know better than anyone else, what I'm able for.
So with all this in mind, I'm not going to let him influence my decision, my next step, my excitement and my good-feeling, no matter how great an Acupuncturist he is-because he has definitely done amazing work on me. I'm not going to let any thoughts become dark with fear for not doing enough. I simply can't. It's in his nature to be pushy..looking back to my first visit, when I was nearly going to run out of his office because of his forceful approach. As long as I know where I'm at and what I'm doing then I won't loose sight of what will soon be taking place. Once I'm traveling again, I'll be stronger and have less stress, less worries and less pressure to get things done. This will therefore make all the things that I still want to do into more greater and more beautiful experiences..
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Faith that all is well - 2
I think I have just given myself even more reassurance, that I'm able to do this. And I don't need to feel like things are going faster than they were in the beginning.. it's just a different stage of my recovery. The last stage, I can safely say. As overwhelming as it all may seem, to others and to myself, this is who I am. I've always been on top of life and never ran from what was real or what seemed like "too much effort or hard work". People always used to be amazed that I would go from one job to the next, or one country to the next, with such ease and such joy. And now I'm happy to say that I still have that. Or else it wouldn't feel so right for me to be preparing myself to be leaving. (Another example: The idea of going back to Oz, had settled a couple of weeks ago, and instantly I started getting ahead of myself. I was thinking of stopping-off in India on the way over to Oz, to do a yoga course for a month. And then I was thinking of going to Vietnam to do an English teaching course.. There it was again..me getting way ahead of myself as usual.. So I had to calm down and tell myself, that I can still do all those things, once I've started traveling again. Slow down Niamh!!! don't totally overdo it.. But that's just another example and even a confirmation of me always needing and wanting new experiences and challenges no matter where I am or what I'm doing in my life, or even how improbable some goals may seem.)
I know my family and friends are supporting me, even with their concerns. For some people, in the fullest of their health, going abroad on a big trip with no definite plans, can seem like a massive big deal..and that's without having just recovered from anorexia. Maybe that's also why some people are or will be doubtful that it's the right decision or if it's the right time. But to me, it doesn't feel too big. If it did, I wouldn't be excited about it all.
It's strange but deep down, I always knew I'd go back at some stage or another. I was reading through some of my text messages that I sent in August to a friend of mine, who is Australian, saying that when I'm better I'll come and visit. After sending it, I never thought anymore about the text and only last week when I was deleting some of my texts, I read it.. It was the strangest feeling, that back then (I can't even remember sending it or where my head was at) I wanted to go back.. Just goes to show, that the desire and intention was always there, but so overshadowed by the eating disorder. But I never forgot it and I just listened to what was there. When I left Oz, a year and a half ago, I knew I'd go back..I knew there was still so much more left for me to see and do.. There was so much I missed out on, because of the way I traveled back then. The amount of work I did and the determination I had to save every penny to get to other countries, made me skip a lot of what Australia had to offer. You'd never hear me say that I regret the way I traveled, because I don't. If I had done it any differently, I wouldn't have met the fantastic people I now class as dear friends. I wouldn't change a thing. But I know that I won't travel like that again.. It will all be for the journey, and not for the destination. It will be for the moment, and not for the outcome. It won't be about achieving, but experiencing. It won't be about proving myself to others, but it will be me living my own life, for me.
I see going to Australia like closing one chapter and opening another. I see it as another step. It's just in my nature to always push myself. Back in August when I was in a muddle and fighting like mad to beat Anna, nobody was telling me I was pushing too much. Nobody was telling me to calm down. Nobody was telling me I was getting ahead of myself. Nobody was concerned that I might not be able for it. People just let me be. Because they believed in me. So why would people try to suddenly want me to stop pushing myself to finally live life to the fullest? Wasn't beating Anna all so I could live my life the way I want? And isn't this stage therefore apart of it? It's still some of the journey I need to face. If somebody would have told me I was doing too much too soon, back in September when I was scared beyond belief at what I was facing and when everyday brought a huge milestone with it.. I wouldn't have listened (not that there was anybody telling me that it was too much). I always knew to listen to what I was able for. And it's the same with leaving Arklow.. I'm listening to what I'm able for..
So I'm good when it comes to people expressing concern. I understand and I can deal with it. It's a minor issue that was always going to bring up some stuff. As long as I have faith in myself, then all is still well in my world. And all support and belief that does come from my nearest and dearest, means the world to me.. literally..
I know my family and friends are supporting me, even with their concerns. For some people, in the fullest of their health, going abroad on a big trip with no definite plans, can seem like a massive big deal..and that's without having just recovered from anorexia. Maybe that's also why some people are or will be doubtful that it's the right decision or if it's the right time. But to me, it doesn't feel too big. If it did, I wouldn't be excited about it all.
It's strange but deep down, I always knew I'd go back at some stage or another. I was reading through some of my text messages that I sent in August to a friend of mine, who is Australian, saying that when I'm better I'll come and visit. After sending it, I never thought anymore about the text and only last week when I was deleting some of my texts, I read it.. It was the strangest feeling, that back then (I can't even remember sending it or where my head was at) I wanted to go back.. Just goes to show, that the desire and intention was always there, but so overshadowed by the eating disorder. But I never forgot it and I just listened to what was there. When I left Oz, a year and a half ago, I knew I'd go back..I knew there was still so much more left for me to see and do.. There was so much I missed out on, because of the way I traveled back then. The amount of work I did and the determination I had to save every penny to get to other countries, made me skip a lot of what Australia had to offer. You'd never hear me say that I regret the way I traveled, because I don't. If I had done it any differently, I wouldn't have met the fantastic people I now class as dear friends. I wouldn't change a thing. But I know that I won't travel like that again.. It will all be for the journey, and not for the destination. It will be for the moment, and not for the outcome. It won't be about achieving, but experiencing. It won't be about proving myself to others, but it will be me living my own life, for me.
I see going to Australia like closing one chapter and opening another. I see it as another step. It's just in my nature to always push myself. Back in August when I was in a muddle and fighting like mad to beat Anna, nobody was telling me I was pushing too much. Nobody was telling me to calm down. Nobody was telling me I was getting ahead of myself. Nobody was concerned that I might not be able for it. People just let me be. Because they believed in me. So why would people try to suddenly want me to stop pushing myself to finally live life to the fullest? Wasn't beating Anna all so I could live my life the way I want? And isn't this stage therefore apart of it? It's still some of the journey I need to face. If somebody would have told me I was doing too much too soon, back in September when I was scared beyond belief at what I was facing and when everyday brought a huge milestone with it.. I wouldn't have listened (not that there was anybody telling me that it was too much). I always knew to listen to what I was able for. And it's the same with leaving Arklow.. I'm listening to what I'm able for..
So I'm good when it comes to people expressing concern. I understand and I can deal with it. It's a minor issue that was always going to bring up some stuff. As long as I have faith in myself, then all is still well in my world. And all support and belief that does come from my nearest and dearest, means the world to me.. literally..
Faith that all is well - 1
After rambling on for ages yesterday, about Australia, I've still got so much that I need to say.. Yesterday I just wanted it "out there" as soon and as quickly as possible. But it was so much mumbo-jumbo that I needed let it breathe, so to speak, and now I can let it settle.
Last night, I felt a lot better, for finally having decided to share my plans. I felt like I'd taken a huge step and that now there's no turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but telling it and discussing it more and more, makes it more real. But that's good. Because I need that to make it happen. I felt relieved for others to know that I'm really feeling so strong that I'm able to have a conversation about my plans without feeling exposed or overwhelmed. Because that's how I felt up until a few weeks ago. The reactions I've been getting have been great. And the worries I had yesterday about people not believing in me, weren't really needed (worrying is never really necessary but often it happens without us wanting or needing it to..it just takes over).
Most of my family and friends are happy for me, even though they are concerned at the same time. Which I have to understand. And I can, to a certain extent. It shows their compassion and it shows that I mean something to them. The thing that was getting me down yesterday and last night, was the influence other peoples reactions could easily have on me. Especially when it comes from those who I'm particularly close to. It makes it harder. But for their concern to be greater than their joy for me feeling so good, makes me doubt their belief in me.
I was emailing Natasja this morning, and she said that alot people will be concerned because of the memories Australia might bring up. That's where it all started. And I'd be lying if I said that those exact same thoughts hadn't entered my mind. And I even spoke to Diann about it weeks ago.. I was doubting the whole thing, because the lifestyle that travelers have in Australia, was the thing that got it's "claws" into my eating habits. Diann said that it's only natural for to have doubts like that, but that I'm not the same person I was back then. Back then, I wanted to prove everybody wrong by being a backpacker who returns home without 5 kilo's of extra weight, but with a whole lot less instead. That's how the anorexia really got a hold of me, at that point in my life.. Another thing Diann has reassured me of is that I was going to get anorexia no matter where I was traveling or living.. it was in my genes and was going to hit me at one stage or another, and what better time to start kicking my behind and trying to sabotage something that I value so much in life and something that was so close to my heart..which was traveling..
So the thoughts of me not being the same person as I was when I went to Oz or when I left Oz, made any doubts that I was having about me getting into my old habits, a lot less. I can trust myself to know that the anorexia will never take hold of me the way it has done. And any time it tries to, I have the tools to fight back. I could look at going back to Australia like another step, at facing what happened and with that, facing my fear. Just like looking at photo's from a year and half ago, when I was losing so much weight and when the illness was starting to control me..when I first saw them, it was like a kick in the teeth, because a part of me wanted that physical state again. But the larger part of me didn't and the more I look at those photo's now, the more I'm at ease with that part of my life and less grief I feel, for anorexia to have gotten a hold of me. For the rest of my life, I could avoid going back to Oz, for fear of running the risk that things could get stirred-up. I could ignore this feeling and urge I have whenever I hear the name or whenever I hear the accent, the feeling that breaks my heart. I could switch if off, just because there's a tiny chance that going back could show me that darker side of myself, that I've faced over the months gone by. I could easily go against what feels right for me to do, right now, just to not have to face this challenge. But it wouldn't make me happier at all. If anything, it would throw me off-course.
I can't afford to engage too much in what other people think. It brings on stress and even fear. When really I'm not scared at all.. It's like I'm taking on their feelings, just so I'll feel like I'm serving a purpose instead and not ignoring their feelings. When really I should be distancing myself from their point of view, understanding it and just letting it be. If I'm honest, the more people worry about it being too soon, the more determined I am to prove that it's not. I know that's not the right way to go about it, but I also know that even if nobody was worried or thought that it was too soon, that I'd still be going. So whenever that whole "proving aspect" comes up, I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what others say, be it good or bad, I'm independent of their opinions. My decision has been made, one way or another.
Last night I just wanted to scream. I wanted to shout to everybody that I needed their support. It was like I was yearning for it. I do need people to believe in me, even though I do believe in myself. It would simply make it so much easier if people were supportive. And, don't get me wrong, most people are. (So really I don't know what I'm going on about..but anyhow..it needs to be said)
Another thing that I was realizing, this morning as I was going for a walk around the block, was that looking back over the last 8 months, and seeing the massive leaps that I've been making only recently and the speed at which things are going, it can really seem like it's all going too fast. It might seem like I've come further in the last 2 months, than I have done in the beginning. It might seem like I've done more work over the past 2 months than I did in the beginning. But that's not the case. Because looking back, just makes me see how much I was dealing with in the beginning.. Everything that I went through, since the beginning of July, trying to eat, my body being burnt-out, my insides nearly to shutting down, dealing with so much sh*t from my past, being in a country I didn't want to be, changing my whole life style and going against everything I believed in.. Thinking about it all, absolutely everything, and it seems so much. Maybe even too much, for any sane person to deal with. But I was doing it, all at once whilst being so close to death. It was so huge and so much, that nobody will probably ever realize-not even me. Then I was starting to get proper nourishment, nutrition, rest and strength and everything started to fit into place, which makes me see that really looking at the overall 8 months, every stage of recovery has been going a high speed. But it's seems like it's going faster now, because I'm putting myself out in the world again. It seems like I'm making more progress than I was in the beginning, but it's just a different stage.
I seem to now know that I'm someone who can literally take on the world, all at once, and not be overwhelmed by it. I can deal with externals and internals, at the same time, no matter how off-balance either one or the other, or both, could be. And I now know that I can feel when it does get too much. This is why the last few months seem to have gone quicker than the first..when looking closely, really the speed has always been there. I've always had this in everything I've done and I still have it..and that's the need for new challenges and experiences. And that's what anorexia didn't make me believe I didn't have. This past year, was the biggest challenge of my life, and it's been the hardest time of my life.. but it never proved to be too big for me to handle. And once the anorexia started to ease away and take a seat in the back row throughout the course of the few past months, that's when I knew that it was time to start putting me, myself and I, out there in the world and each decision flowed into the next and before I knew what was happening, I was sitting at the kitchen table writing on my blog that I'm planning on going back to Australia.
......
Last night, I felt a lot better, for finally having decided to share my plans. I felt like I'd taken a huge step and that now there's no turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but telling it and discussing it more and more, makes it more real. But that's good. Because I need that to make it happen. I felt relieved for others to know that I'm really feeling so strong that I'm able to have a conversation about my plans without feeling exposed or overwhelmed. Because that's how I felt up until a few weeks ago. The reactions I've been getting have been great. And the worries I had yesterday about people not believing in me, weren't really needed (worrying is never really necessary but often it happens without us wanting or needing it to..it just takes over).
Most of my family and friends are happy for me, even though they are concerned at the same time. Which I have to understand. And I can, to a certain extent. It shows their compassion and it shows that I mean something to them. The thing that was getting me down yesterday and last night, was the influence other peoples reactions could easily have on me. Especially when it comes from those who I'm particularly close to. It makes it harder. But for their concern to be greater than their joy for me feeling so good, makes me doubt their belief in me.
I was emailing Natasja this morning, and she said that alot people will be concerned because of the memories Australia might bring up. That's where it all started. And I'd be lying if I said that those exact same thoughts hadn't entered my mind. And I even spoke to Diann about it weeks ago.. I was doubting the whole thing, because the lifestyle that travelers have in Australia, was the thing that got it's "claws" into my eating habits. Diann said that it's only natural for to have doubts like that, but that I'm not the same person I was back then. Back then, I wanted to prove everybody wrong by being a backpacker who returns home without 5 kilo's of extra weight, but with a whole lot less instead. That's how the anorexia really got a hold of me, at that point in my life.. Another thing Diann has reassured me of is that I was going to get anorexia no matter where I was traveling or living.. it was in my genes and was going to hit me at one stage or another, and what better time to start kicking my behind and trying to sabotage something that I value so much in life and something that was so close to my heart..which was traveling..
So the thoughts of me not being the same person as I was when I went to Oz or when I left Oz, made any doubts that I was having about me getting into my old habits, a lot less. I can trust myself to know that the anorexia will never take hold of me the way it has done. And any time it tries to, I have the tools to fight back. I could look at going back to Australia like another step, at facing what happened and with that, facing my fear. Just like looking at photo's from a year and half ago, when I was losing so much weight and when the illness was starting to control me..when I first saw them, it was like a kick in the teeth, because a part of me wanted that physical state again. But the larger part of me didn't and the more I look at those photo's now, the more I'm at ease with that part of my life and less grief I feel, for anorexia to have gotten a hold of me. For the rest of my life, I could avoid going back to Oz, for fear of running the risk that things could get stirred-up. I could ignore this feeling and urge I have whenever I hear the name or whenever I hear the accent, the feeling that breaks my heart. I could switch if off, just because there's a tiny chance that going back could show me that darker side of myself, that I've faced over the months gone by. I could easily go against what feels right for me to do, right now, just to not have to face this challenge. But it wouldn't make me happier at all. If anything, it would throw me off-course.
I can't afford to engage too much in what other people think. It brings on stress and even fear. When really I'm not scared at all.. It's like I'm taking on their feelings, just so I'll feel like I'm serving a purpose instead and not ignoring their feelings. When really I should be distancing myself from their point of view, understanding it and just letting it be. If I'm honest, the more people worry about it being too soon, the more determined I am to prove that it's not. I know that's not the right way to go about it, but I also know that even if nobody was worried or thought that it was too soon, that I'd still be going. So whenever that whole "proving aspect" comes up, I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what others say, be it good or bad, I'm independent of their opinions. My decision has been made, one way or another.
Last night I just wanted to scream. I wanted to shout to everybody that I needed their support. It was like I was yearning for it. I do need people to believe in me, even though I do believe in myself. It would simply make it so much easier if people were supportive. And, don't get me wrong, most people are. (So really I don't know what I'm going on about..but anyhow..it needs to be said)
Another thing that I was realizing, this morning as I was going for a walk around the block, was that looking back over the last 8 months, and seeing the massive leaps that I've been making only recently and the speed at which things are going, it can really seem like it's all going too fast. It might seem like I've come further in the last 2 months, than I have done in the beginning. It might seem like I've done more work over the past 2 months than I did in the beginning. But that's not the case. Because looking back, just makes me see how much I was dealing with in the beginning.. Everything that I went through, since the beginning of July, trying to eat, my body being burnt-out, my insides nearly to shutting down, dealing with so much sh*t from my past, being in a country I didn't want to be, changing my whole life style and going against everything I believed in.. Thinking about it all, absolutely everything, and it seems so much. Maybe even too much, for any sane person to deal with. But I was doing it, all at once whilst being so close to death. It was so huge and so much, that nobody will probably ever realize-not even me. Then I was starting to get proper nourishment, nutrition, rest and strength and everything started to fit into place, which makes me see that really looking at the overall 8 months, every stage of recovery has been going a high speed. But it's seems like it's going faster now, because I'm putting myself out in the world again. It seems like I'm making more progress than I was in the beginning, but it's just a different stage.
I seem to now know that I'm someone who can literally take on the world, all at once, and not be overwhelmed by it. I can deal with externals and internals, at the same time, no matter how off-balance either one or the other, or both, could be. And I now know that I can feel when it does get too much. This is why the last few months seem to have gone quicker than the first..when looking closely, really the speed has always been there. I've always had this in everything I've done and I still have it..and that's the need for new challenges and experiences. And that's what anorexia didn't make me believe I didn't have. This past year, was the biggest challenge of my life, and it's been the hardest time of my life.. but it never proved to be too big for me to handle. And once the anorexia started to ease away and take a seat in the back row throughout the course of the few past months, that's when I knew that it was time to start putting me, myself and I, out there in the world and each decision flowed into the next and before I knew what was happening, I was sitting at the kitchen table writing on my blog that I'm planning on going back to Australia.
......
Seasons after seasons
As the strong gusts of wind once blew a cold and forceful gale
And the pain on my cheeks was caused by each individual falling hail
With the sleet creating a blizzard to instantly frighten
And the vision so blurred that nothing would seem to brighten
The clouds were once so dense that nothing was as it seemed
And the haziness I thought was my life, had to be redeemed
Every gust was my emotion, Every hailstone was my fault
Every blizzard was my fear, Every cloud was my own personal assault
Combine these conditions to create an unforeseen weather-forecast
To predict the life that could have been my future, but is now my past
No longer can the prediction be relied upon, so I give up my trust
And I'll let each pressure-front take it's course, as it's simply a must
As the faint, light and distant breeze has now become my surroundings
And the warmth can be felt with the spring in every heartbeat that's pounding
With the blue skies above giving brightness to my days
And the vision is now clear for as far as my mind will let me fill my gaze
The clouds are now a sign of more light and clarity to come
And the haziness is not consuming my world, as it is now filled with fun
Every breeze is now my wisdom, Every heartbeat is now my strength
Every blue sky is now my love, Every light shows my never ending length
Combine these conditions to create an unforeseen weather-forecast
To come up with the sum of my present bliss that will continue to last
And no longer to predict the future by grasping onto seasons gone by
But by embracing the new and trusting this feeling that I'm now able to fly..
And the pain on my cheeks was caused by each individual falling hail
With the sleet creating a blizzard to instantly frighten
And the vision so blurred that nothing would seem to brighten
The clouds were once so dense that nothing was as it seemed
And the haziness I thought was my life, had to be redeemed
Every gust was my emotion, Every hailstone was my fault
Every blizzard was my fear, Every cloud was my own personal assault
Combine these conditions to create an unforeseen weather-forecast
To predict the life that could have been my future, but is now my past
No longer can the prediction be relied upon, so I give up my trust
And I'll let each pressure-front take it's course, as it's simply a must
As the faint, light and distant breeze has now become my surroundings
And the warmth can be felt with the spring in every heartbeat that's pounding
With the blue skies above giving brightness to my days
And the vision is now clear for as far as my mind will let me fill my gaze
The clouds are now a sign of more light and clarity to come
And the haziness is not consuming my world, as it is now filled with fun
Every breeze is now my wisdom, Every heartbeat is now my strength
Every blue sky is now my love, Every light shows my never ending length
Combine these conditions to create an unforeseen weather-forecast
To come up with the sum of my present bliss that will continue to last
And no longer to predict the future by grasping onto seasons gone by
But by embracing the new and trusting this feeling that I'm now able to fly..
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Please believe in me
Believe in me and you will see just how strong I can be
Believe in me and let me go to live my life for me
Believe in me and wish me well as hard as it might feel
Believe in me and have the faith that with life I can deal
Believe in me and choose to forget any doubts in your mind
Believe in me and I beg of you to not try and press rewind
Believe in me and I ask no more because the timing is so right
Believe in me and can't you see how this has given me the light
Why can't you believe, because there's nothing else I can do
Why can't you see that all that's giving me worries is you
Why can't you know that I have to the tools that I can use
Why can't you realize that doubts will never blow my fuse
Why can't you figure that it hurts that you can't see
Why can't you admit that I'm strong as can be
Why can't you acknowledge that this is a blessing in disguise
Why can't you understand that without this I wouldn't be as wise
It hurts so much to think you don't believe that my time has come
It hurts so much to think that after all this pain, I'd undo what I've done
It hurts so much to think there's no support or belief that I'm well
It hurts so much to think I'm alone in knowing that there's no more hell
It hurts so much to think all my dreams are trying to be taken
It hurts so much to think the person who matters the most is so shaken
It hurts so much to think of the influence one longs to have and to hold
It hurts so much to think that beating such a thing isn't seen as gold
What can I do to make everything better
What can I do to make you see I'm a go-getter
What can I do to reassure you of my belief
What can I do to show you I've turned a new leaf
What can I do other than tell you what's so true
What can I do other than show you I'm all brand new
What can I do other than give you my word
Now all you can do, is see with vision that's not blurred..
Believe in me and let me go to live my life for me
Believe in me and wish me well as hard as it might feel
Believe in me and have the faith that with life I can deal
Believe in me and choose to forget any doubts in your mind
Believe in me and I beg of you to not try and press rewind
Believe in me and I ask no more because the timing is so right
Believe in me and can't you see how this has given me the light
Why can't you believe, because there's nothing else I can do
Why can't you see that all that's giving me worries is you
Why can't you know that I have to the tools that I can use
Why can't you realize that doubts will never blow my fuse
Why can't you figure that it hurts that you can't see
Why can't you admit that I'm strong as can be
Why can't you acknowledge that this is a blessing in disguise
Why can't you understand that without this I wouldn't be as wise
It hurts so much to think you don't believe that my time has come
It hurts so much to think that after all this pain, I'd undo what I've done
It hurts so much to think there's no support or belief that I'm well
It hurts so much to think I'm alone in knowing that there's no more hell
It hurts so much to think all my dreams are trying to be taken
It hurts so much to think the person who matters the most is so shaken
It hurts so much to think of the influence one longs to have and to hold
It hurts so much to think that beating such a thing isn't seen as gold
What can I do to make everything better
What can I do to make you see I'm a go-getter
What can I do to reassure you of my belief
What can I do to show you I've turned a new leaf
What can I do other than tell you what's so true
What can I do other than show you I'm all brand new
What can I do other than give you my word
Now all you can do, is see with vision that's not blurred..
Telling the world.. 4
As beautiful as it this life is, I could write about it forever.. and as great as I'm feeling.. I'll get back to what I was chatting to Diann about yesterday.. I was telling her about my visa and that I'm starting to tell everybody and we got onto the subject of it being the right time or not.. Because I know lots of people will think it's too soon for me to fly to other side of the world. So I instantly find I'm needing to justify myself to them and reassure them that I'll be okay and that it's not too soon. I did need to take a step back and really ask myself, is it not too soon? So since January I was thinking back 2 months and seeing how far I've come. And then thinking forward 2 months.. And that's when I knew that it isn't too soon for me.
Diann said that I've come so far, so quickly and that it is amazing, but seeing me as the person I am, it's not too much. She believes it and I believe it. We spoke weeks ago about how much harder it will be for the people around me, as my leaving day gets closer, than it will be for me. This is only normal because they've seen me coming through the past 8 months. They seen me when I was ill. I didn't see me.. And I still don't see how ill I got. All I can see is me, today and all I can feel is how great I'm doing right now. Once I leave, any control that my family once had over me and my health, will be gone. It's out of their hands and it's all in mine. No one elses. So yes, I understand. But I don't feel like I should have to start convincing everyone that I'm fine to travel again. It's draining me, to be honest. I believe in myself, and Diann believes in me. I don't know if anybody else does, which really makes me sad. I mean, if I've come so far the past months, then shouldn't that be enough reassurance for everyone that I can do this, and be fine..
I was saying to Diann yesterday that I sometimes can't see how well I've done as I can't compare myself to anybody else, because I don't know anybody who has had anorexia.. Diann said that I've done a tremendous amount of work, and that it might seem overwhelming, but really it doesn't have to feel like that because I determined the speed at which I recovered. And from Diann's point of view, it didn't go too fast. I was able to keep the pace. She said to me that when I started the treatment, back in July, that the timing was right and I wanted and needed to get better. I also had the right support to get me through.. Ma, Diann, Mr. Acupuncturist, my blog.
I heard myself saying that after having all this help and support, and realizing that I'm blessed by being surrounded by these wonderful people, that I can't take the credit for beating this. That's what I felt really strongly about weeks ago, but it's started to kind of soften a little. And especially after Diann telling me yesterday that she knows girls who are sent to amazing "rehab" centres in America or England and have 5 times the support that I had, but would still not be either willing or able to beat this. She was also telling me about some clients of hers that simply aren't ready and that it therefore wouldn't matter if she would spend 24 hours a day, working on them.. because they're simply not willing or not determined enough to fight back.
For me, the time was right to start fighting back, and with determination and the right support, it all come together and nothing was too much. I shyed away from nothing, I didn't medicate myself, I didn't cut any corners, I dealt with everything head-on. Or as Diann put it: I faced my "dark knight" and engaged with the anorexia so much, that I'm now feeling the benefits from it all. And that's why she doesn't think that it's too soon for me to go. She always said that I'd feel when the time is right, and it's right now. So why should I start doubting myself and questioning this great feeling I have inside?
For a short instant, it made my head spin, listening to her talk like this, because it didn't sound like she was talking about me. And I've realized that I've gone from fearing nothing in this world, except eating, to fearing absolutely nothing (including food) in this world except the fear of looking back at what I've gone through. I instantly start to choke-up and get that awful pressure in my chest again, whenever I hear someone speak about it, or if I read any of my blogging or if I see myself back then. I don't really know what I should do about that, or if there is anything I can do. Maybe it's a sign that I am all better now and that the truth of it all is seriously hitting home.. I'm not too sure.
However what I'm sure of is that my timing is right. I can't let other peoples concerns get me down too much. At the moment that's the only thing that is making me upset and bad again. But I can understand them, I really can. However thinking back and feeling the fear of what I've gone through only gives me more determination that I'll be okay, that I can do anything and that I'll never let myself get that ill again. The good thing that could come from me feeling this fear of looking back (which is quite strange, because usually it's looking ahead that can bring on fear), is that it makes me understand more why others can be so concerned and worried for my health. But it does get to me that they wouldn't believe in me to be strong enough be able to make it over there, and to live a full and healthy life..
Diann believes in me. And I believe in me. So in addition to my next step, which is going to Oz, I'll be spacing out my sessions with Diann and my acupuncture treatment. I'll be cutting down on this blogging too. I don't want to go "cold-turkey" suddenly.. Slowly closing everything down and everything will work itself out. And now that I've written about Australia and that I've been telling people, all is left to do is to wait for a last email from work and then book my flight..
But today, writing this piece, was a big thing. I felt this morning, that once my plans have been said, that something might go wrong. If it does, you'll be the first to know.. But also, I felt like I'm now opening-up and giving so much of myself..more so than I ever have done..which is strange because I think I might have written much more shocking stuff on this blog than this. I could feel it in my heart, as I was writing, and at the same time if I hadn't chosen to open-up today, it would also have weighed heavy on my heart.. So today was a bigger step than any other. Anyhow, it's out there now. If things go belly-up over the next weeks, then I'll know it's not meant to be. For now though, all is fine and all is well. Signing-off and will keep you posted....
Diann said that I've come so far, so quickly and that it is amazing, but seeing me as the person I am, it's not too much. She believes it and I believe it. We spoke weeks ago about how much harder it will be for the people around me, as my leaving day gets closer, than it will be for me. This is only normal because they've seen me coming through the past 8 months. They seen me when I was ill. I didn't see me.. And I still don't see how ill I got. All I can see is me, today and all I can feel is how great I'm doing right now. Once I leave, any control that my family once had over me and my health, will be gone. It's out of their hands and it's all in mine. No one elses. So yes, I understand. But I don't feel like I should have to start convincing everyone that I'm fine to travel again. It's draining me, to be honest. I believe in myself, and Diann believes in me. I don't know if anybody else does, which really makes me sad. I mean, if I've come so far the past months, then shouldn't that be enough reassurance for everyone that I can do this, and be fine..
I was saying to Diann yesterday that I sometimes can't see how well I've done as I can't compare myself to anybody else, because I don't know anybody who has had anorexia.. Diann said that I've done a tremendous amount of work, and that it might seem overwhelming, but really it doesn't have to feel like that because I determined the speed at which I recovered. And from Diann's point of view, it didn't go too fast. I was able to keep the pace. She said to me that when I started the treatment, back in July, that the timing was right and I wanted and needed to get better. I also had the right support to get me through.. Ma, Diann, Mr. Acupuncturist, my blog.
I heard myself saying that after having all this help and support, and realizing that I'm blessed by being surrounded by these wonderful people, that I can't take the credit for beating this. That's what I felt really strongly about weeks ago, but it's started to kind of soften a little. And especially after Diann telling me yesterday that she knows girls who are sent to amazing "rehab" centres in America or England and have 5 times the support that I had, but would still not be either willing or able to beat this. She was also telling me about some clients of hers that simply aren't ready and that it therefore wouldn't matter if she would spend 24 hours a day, working on them.. because they're simply not willing or not determined enough to fight back.
For me, the time was right to start fighting back, and with determination and the right support, it all come together and nothing was too much. I shyed away from nothing, I didn't medicate myself, I didn't cut any corners, I dealt with everything head-on. Or as Diann put it: I faced my "dark knight" and engaged with the anorexia so much, that I'm now feeling the benefits from it all. And that's why she doesn't think that it's too soon for me to go. She always said that I'd feel when the time is right, and it's right now. So why should I start doubting myself and questioning this great feeling I have inside?
For a short instant, it made my head spin, listening to her talk like this, because it didn't sound like she was talking about me. And I've realized that I've gone from fearing nothing in this world, except eating, to fearing absolutely nothing (including food) in this world except the fear of looking back at what I've gone through. I instantly start to choke-up and get that awful pressure in my chest again, whenever I hear someone speak about it, or if I read any of my blogging or if I see myself back then. I don't really know what I should do about that, or if there is anything I can do. Maybe it's a sign that I am all better now and that the truth of it all is seriously hitting home.. I'm not too sure.
However what I'm sure of is that my timing is right. I can't let other peoples concerns get me down too much. At the moment that's the only thing that is making me upset and bad again. But I can understand them, I really can. However thinking back and feeling the fear of what I've gone through only gives me more determination that I'll be okay, that I can do anything and that I'll never let myself get that ill again. The good thing that could come from me feeling this fear of looking back (which is quite strange, because usually it's looking ahead that can bring on fear), is that it makes me understand more why others can be so concerned and worried for my health. But it does get to me that they wouldn't believe in me to be strong enough be able to make it over there, and to live a full and healthy life..
Diann believes in me. And I believe in me. So in addition to my next step, which is going to Oz, I'll be spacing out my sessions with Diann and my acupuncture treatment. I'll be cutting down on this blogging too. I don't want to go "cold-turkey" suddenly.. Slowly closing everything down and everything will work itself out. And now that I've written about Australia and that I've been telling people, all is left to do is to wait for a last email from work and then book my flight..
But today, writing this piece, was a big thing. I felt this morning, that once my plans have been said, that something might go wrong. If it does, you'll be the first to know.. But also, I felt like I'm now opening-up and giving so much of myself..more so than I ever have done..which is strange because I think I might have written much more shocking stuff on this blog than this. I could feel it in my heart, as I was writing, and at the same time if I hadn't chosen to open-up today, it would also have weighed heavy on my heart.. So today was a bigger step than any other. Anyhow, it's out there now. If things go belly-up over the next weeks, then I'll know it's not meant to be. For now though, all is fine and all is well. Signing-off and will keep you posted....
Telling the world.. 3
For weeks, it was only Ma and Diann who knew and I didn't want to broadcast it because I wasn't sure if April would be achievable. I didn't know how the weeks would plan out and how I'd be feeling. The only time I'd talk about Oz, was during the sessions. It was almost like a big secret that just kept on brewing and evolving, up until now.. Because it's gotten to a point now, that I can't NOT keep it to myself. I have to put it out in the world, for it to happen.
But I was also almost scared that saying it would make me feel stressed-out and awful. Maybe I might not be able to deal with the thoughts of traveling again. I thought it might make me regret deciding to go back and I was almost scared of what others would think of me. But the longer the idea sat with me and more everything fell into place, the surer I became that this is the right for me and the less I cared what others might think.. Especially those with the mentality of "traveling is wasting time.. traveling isn't real life.. traveling is just running away from problems.. traveling isn't going to get you a career.. traveling is just for "lazy-bums".. traveling won't build you pension.." on and on the list goes, of remarks and comments that once would have made me not travel. And people have said these things to me before and I've listened because I valued their opinions. But now, I really don't care what others might think of me, for doing this. Really I don't. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm going to be traveling and I'm starting where I feel I left my heart and that's Australia.
So I won't be influenced by what other people see as being "the right way to live" or "real life". Everyone has a different definition as to how life "should" be. And my life isn't supposed to be how it was when I was living in Holland. For me, traveling isn't wasting time. It's making the most out of everything life has to offer. It's squeezing every last drop of vibrancy, excitement, love and bliss out every day and every opportunity. And who is to say that that's a waste of time?? To me, it's life, and it's the life I want.
I'm going back to Oz and I haven't got any certain plans as of yet. I'm not stressed and I know that once I'm there I'll continue to travel and I'll do all the things that I've been dreaming of.. it could be anything like camping out in the bush underneath the stars, singing songs around the campfire with a bottle of beer in my hand being surrounded by friends or finally holding a deadly dangerous spider to overcome my fear of the hairy things.. It could be jumping off the highest bungee jump (the nevus)in New Zealand (which is a place I will be going back to) or it could be doing a course in travel-writing and getting an article published in a travel magazine (and writing that, just gave me butterflies in my stomach..).. That's the life I want. Why should I settle for less, when I know I can do what I want and what I need right now..
What an amazing life this is once the eyes are opened and dreams don't have to stay just that. They can be real. All the people out there who are doing exactly what makes them feel fulfilled and makes them thrive each day..it didn't always get given to them on a plate..but because they knew what it was they were meant to do and they followed their hearts. I truly believe that thinking outside the box shows that dreams don't have to always remain dreams. And that reality is exactly what we can make happen and whenever we choose see the potential in situations, relationships and events, then miracles take place. These miracles, dreams and realities all become one and all because of the desire that drives us through life.
.....
But I was also almost scared that saying it would make me feel stressed-out and awful. Maybe I might not be able to deal with the thoughts of traveling again. I thought it might make me regret deciding to go back and I was almost scared of what others would think of me. But the longer the idea sat with me and more everything fell into place, the surer I became that this is the right for me and the less I cared what others might think.. Especially those with the mentality of "traveling is wasting time.. traveling isn't real life.. traveling is just running away from problems.. traveling isn't going to get you a career.. traveling is just for "lazy-bums".. traveling won't build you pension.." on and on the list goes, of remarks and comments that once would have made me not travel. And people have said these things to me before and I've listened because I valued their opinions. But now, I really don't care what others might think of me, for doing this. Really I don't. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm going to be traveling and I'm starting where I feel I left my heart and that's Australia.
So I won't be influenced by what other people see as being "the right way to live" or "real life". Everyone has a different definition as to how life "should" be. And my life isn't supposed to be how it was when I was living in Holland. For me, traveling isn't wasting time. It's making the most out of everything life has to offer. It's squeezing every last drop of vibrancy, excitement, love and bliss out every day and every opportunity. And who is to say that that's a waste of time?? To me, it's life, and it's the life I want.
I'm going back to Oz and I haven't got any certain plans as of yet. I'm not stressed and I know that once I'm there I'll continue to travel and I'll do all the things that I've been dreaming of.. it could be anything like camping out in the bush underneath the stars, singing songs around the campfire with a bottle of beer in my hand being surrounded by friends or finally holding a deadly dangerous spider to overcome my fear of the hairy things.. It could be jumping off the highest bungee jump (the nevus)in New Zealand (which is a place I will be going back to) or it could be doing a course in travel-writing and getting an article published in a travel magazine (and writing that, just gave me butterflies in my stomach..).. That's the life I want. Why should I settle for less, when I know I can do what I want and what I need right now..
What an amazing life this is once the eyes are opened and dreams don't have to stay just that. They can be real. All the people out there who are doing exactly what makes them feel fulfilled and makes them thrive each day..it didn't always get given to them on a plate..but because they knew what it was they were meant to do and they followed their hearts. I truly believe that thinking outside the box shows that dreams don't have to always remain dreams. And that reality is exactly what we can make happen and whenever we choose see the potential in situations, relationships and events, then miracles take place. These miracles, dreams and realities all become one and all because of the desire that drives us through life.
.....
Telling the world.. 2
So as soon as I had told Ma and Diann about Australia, it was also time I started going for walks and doing yoga again. Each week since then, I've been getting stronger and happier and more full of life. Absolutely everything has been slotting into place.. It started with work giving me the "all-clear" to quit, then moving out of my room. Then the weekend in Holland feeling so great, then my visa being approved, then financially everything falling on it's feet, then seeing Shellie and Kate and coming back to life whilst being away from home, then being able to go for a night-out and have only 3 hours sleep and still be full of life, then going for 2 weeks without seeing Diann and feeling great. I honestly feel that every week, either mentally, physically, emotionally, or practically, everything has been coming together.. and it's all the reassurance I need that I'm doing what I need to do, right now.
I reckon it's because of how I've approached most things. I haven't really stressed (apart from telling work) too much about everything coming together. Every step, every decision, I made and didn't worry about the outcome. I had to detach myself and feel confident that things would work in my favour. I was convinced that if something was going to go wrong, then it would be okay and it obviously wasn't my time to go back to Oz. But, so far, nothing has been stopping me from making my plans. Maybe I'm jinxing it by putting it on my blog right now, but I figure if something does go wrong between now and my leaving, then it just wasn't meant to be. Yeah, I'd be sad, but there's a reason for everything. For now though, all is going well, and I'll be going back to Oz.
Everyone has been so amazed at how well I've been doing the past weeks, and maybe shocked that it's all been moving along so quickly. Now, everyone might understand why..and it's all because of Australia. Otherwise I wouldn't have had a reason to push myself, just a little bit each week. I would have easily stuck to being "in recovery" and continued to feel down and alone. But there's no reason for me to be like that anymore. I don't want to and I can't be either.
I only started telling people a week and a half ago. And the more I say it, the better it feels. I no longer see why I shouldn't tell people, because if I'm going to go then there's nothing to hide from anybody..right? right! So the past 2 weeks, it's no longer just something I would love to do again and it's no longer a place I dream about. But it's something that I'm going to try so hard to do and I'm going to make it happen.
Telling people about it also shows everyone just how good I'm feeling because not only am I able to talk about my future, about Oz and about me being recovered, but also that the timing is right and that I'm not ashamed to say it. It's a sign that I'm stronger than I've ever been and that I'm delighted with it all. If I hadn't made this decision, I feel like I wouldn't be doing half as good as I am right now. However I'll never know that for sure.. But it's irrelevant because I did make the decision to go and I'm delighted!
......
I reckon it's because of how I've approached most things. I haven't really stressed (apart from telling work) too much about everything coming together. Every step, every decision, I made and didn't worry about the outcome. I had to detach myself and feel confident that things would work in my favour. I was convinced that if something was going to go wrong, then it would be okay and it obviously wasn't my time to go back to Oz. But, so far, nothing has been stopping me from making my plans. Maybe I'm jinxing it by putting it on my blog right now, but I figure if something does go wrong between now and my leaving, then it just wasn't meant to be. Yeah, I'd be sad, but there's a reason for everything. For now though, all is going well, and I'll be going back to Oz.
Everyone has been so amazed at how well I've been doing the past weeks, and maybe shocked that it's all been moving along so quickly. Now, everyone might understand why..and it's all because of Australia. Otherwise I wouldn't have had a reason to push myself, just a little bit each week. I would have easily stuck to being "in recovery" and continued to feel down and alone. But there's no reason for me to be like that anymore. I don't want to and I can't be either.
I only started telling people a week and a half ago. And the more I say it, the better it feels. I no longer see why I shouldn't tell people, because if I'm going to go then there's nothing to hide from anybody..right? right! So the past 2 weeks, it's no longer just something I would love to do again and it's no longer a place I dream about. But it's something that I'm going to try so hard to do and I'm going to make it happen.
Telling people about it also shows everyone just how good I'm feeling because not only am I able to talk about my future, about Oz and about me being recovered, but also that the timing is right and that I'm not ashamed to say it. It's a sign that I'm stronger than I've ever been and that I'm delighted with it all. If I hadn't made this decision, I feel like I wouldn't be doing half as good as I am right now. However I'll never know that for sure.. But it's irrelevant because I did make the decision to go and I'm delighted!
......
Telling the world.. 1
Monday morning, my hour with Diann, after having had 2 very big weeks without having seen her to discuss everything. All I could do was tell her how great I'm feeling and how amazed I am by how well the weekend in Tipperary went. She was delighted for me and also said that she was pleased that I cancelled last week. She reckons it's always a good sign when a client cancels because of a social event.
That instantly made me feel better. Because even at the session, 2 weeks ago, I wasn't feeling great about going to see her because I wasn't really feeling the need to. I felt like I was letting her, myself and Ma down, by not getting as much as I would want to, out of a session. But that just shows that I'm not needing to get as much from a session as I once was. I can handle things myself and I own the tools that I need whenever certain hours or certain days are difficult. I was planning on telling her that this week, but her saying that she was glad I cancelled and did so well without needing a session to deal with everything, told me that we were on the same wave-length.
We started off, and it was the first thing we were talking about. She suggested that because I've been doing so well, we could start spacing out the sessions. So only one session every couple of weeks. Those were exactly my thoughts too. Which was great. It feels like the right time, to start cutting down. Because if it wasn't, I would feel guilty for getting stronger and better. But I don't and I know I'm doing well, and I'm not afraid to admit it, I don't care who knows and I don't care what others say. It doesn't freak me out for someone to say I'm better or to say I'm not. It doesn't make me want to be sick again. It doesn't effect my eating, my body image or my mood. I know where I'm at and that's all that matters.
A massive leap has been made the past 2 weeks. I've made a decision and have been wary about putting it "out there". But I think now's the time. Seeing as though things are going so well, I don't really see the point in keeping it from everyone. I'll start from the beginning. Going back to the middle of January. There were 2 big days when I got massively depressed and couldn't stop crying and my world was crashing down around me. It was triggered by Eileen talking about travels and going here and going there.. I was so upset and couldn't speak for days. I shut out the world and didn't know what was happening to me. The only thing that saved me after 2 days of unbearable heartache, was me looking at myself in the mirror and truly asking myself "why did her words hurt me so much?" And I answered my question instantly.. I needed to go back to Australia. I have to be there for some reason. As soon as I answered that question, I got a text message from a dear dear friend of mine, who I worked with in Australia. I chose to see this as a sign and the weight of the world instantly lifted and life was a lot rosier..
So that was on a Saturday morning, in the middle in January. On the Monday morning afterwards, I sat with Diann and told her about it all and cried and cried.. And eventually said through my tears: "I have to go back to Australia..".. She said that it's a good thing, and that I don't need to cry! I just couldn't believe what was happening. But I knew that I was following my heart, so it had to be my next step. And ever since then, everything has been falling in to place.
Diann was so great, her reaction was the best. I could tell that she wanted to help me reach my goal by instantly asking.. "right..what date have you go in mind?" (it wasn't her way of pushing me, but me being me, she knew that I would have some sort of plan in mind).. I told her I wanted to go around April and asked her honestly if it was do-able and if she could see me being strong enough to get there around that time.. She said that I could. Just the thoughts of working towards something, was what I needed back then. If I turn it around and look at it from the other angle then I can remember what the thoughts of not having a notion as to where I'd be going and when I'd be going; they were making my world a very dark and dull place to be and I remember knowing for sure that I simply wouldn't be able to cope with it. So Diann reassured me, that making this decision and following my heart, would give me the extra boost and energy I need to get me there and so far, she's been right.
more to come...
That instantly made me feel better. Because even at the session, 2 weeks ago, I wasn't feeling great about going to see her because I wasn't really feeling the need to. I felt like I was letting her, myself and Ma down, by not getting as much as I would want to, out of a session. But that just shows that I'm not needing to get as much from a session as I once was. I can handle things myself and I own the tools that I need whenever certain hours or certain days are difficult. I was planning on telling her that this week, but her saying that she was glad I cancelled and did so well without needing a session to deal with everything, told me that we were on the same wave-length.
We started off, and it was the first thing we were talking about. She suggested that because I've been doing so well, we could start spacing out the sessions. So only one session every couple of weeks. Those were exactly my thoughts too. Which was great. It feels like the right time, to start cutting down. Because if it wasn't, I would feel guilty for getting stronger and better. But I don't and I know I'm doing well, and I'm not afraid to admit it, I don't care who knows and I don't care what others say. It doesn't freak me out for someone to say I'm better or to say I'm not. It doesn't make me want to be sick again. It doesn't effect my eating, my body image or my mood. I know where I'm at and that's all that matters.
A massive leap has been made the past 2 weeks. I've made a decision and have been wary about putting it "out there". But I think now's the time. Seeing as though things are going so well, I don't really see the point in keeping it from everyone. I'll start from the beginning. Going back to the middle of January. There were 2 big days when I got massively depressed and couldn't stop crying and my world was crashing down around me. It was triggered by Eileen talking about travels and going here and going there.. I was so upset and couldn't speak for days. I shut out the world and didn't know what was happening to me. The only thing that saved me after 2 days of unbearable heartache, was me looking at myself in the mirror and truly asking myself "why did her words hurt me so much?" And I answered my question instantly.. I needed to go back to Australia. I have to be there for some reason. As soon as I answered that question, I got a text message from a dear dear friend of mine, who I worked with in Australia. I chose to see this as a sign and the weight of the world instantly lifted and life was a lot rosier..
So that was on a Saturday morning, in the middle in January. On the Monday morning afterwards, I sat with Diann and told her about it all and cried and cried.. And eventually said through my tears: "I have to go back to Australia..".. She said that it's a good thing, and that I don't need to cry! I just couldn't believe what was happening. But I knew that I was following my heart, so it had to be my next step. And ever since then, everything has been falling in to place.
Diann was so great, her reaction was the best. I could tell that she wanted to help me reach my goal by instantly asking.. "right..what date have you go in mind?" (it wasn't her way of pushing me, but me being me, she knew that I would have some sort of plan in mind).. I told her I wanted to go around April and asked her honestly if it was do-able and if she could see me being strong enough to get there around that time.. She said that I could. Just the thoughts of working towards something, was what I needed back then. If I turn it around and look at it from the other angle then I can remember what the thoughts of not having a notion as to where I'd be going and when I'd be going; they were making my world a very dark and dull place to be and I remember knowing for sure that I simply wouldn't be able to cope with it. So Diann reassured me, that making this decision and following my heart, would give me the extra boost and energy I need to get me there and so far, she's been right.
more to come...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Living - Dreaming
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
Continuing to unfold a life as we intended
Realizing the meaning of each situation
Whilst knowing that intention is the drive
Attention too gives the energy required
To put everything out there that is truly desired
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
The same mind that sees something else
And the thoughts confirming the reality
But it's not what is perceived that is true
As it's never an actuality or a done deal
And it's the miracle that then becomes real
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
Showing the path that's there to follow
Just being aware there's no difference at all
Means that desires can be acknowledged
Being manifested by following your guide
Who is the one who stands tall with pride
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
A shift of awareness that decides the label
Carrying on with life as you sleep
But never realizing the significance
Believing a dream can never be attained
So keeping the dreamer nice and contained
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
Please take over and show what it sought
Supporting someones personal destiny
As opportunities are presented each day
No one can say that luck plays a part
As viewing reality is looking from the heart
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
A never ending story that unfolds with ease
To take you along and discover the beauty
Of living and breathing and feeling and knowing
To then replay the day gone by as you sleep
Is to finally live that dream that is safe to keep
Continuing to unfold a life as we intended
Realizing the meaning of each situation
Whilst knowing that intention is the drive
Attention too gives the energy required
To put everything out there that is truly desired
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
The same mind that sees something else
And the thoughts confirming the reality
But it's not what is perceived that is true
As it's never an actuality or a done deal
And it's the miracle that then becomes real
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
Showing the path that's there to follow
Just being aware there's no difference at all
Means that desires can be acknowledged
Being manifested by following your guide
Who is the one who stands tall with pride
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
A shift of awareness that decides the label
Carrying on with life as you sleep
But never realizing the significance
Believing a dream can never be attained
So keeping the dreamer nice and contained
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
Please take over and show what it sought
Supporting someones personal destiny
As opportunities are presented each day
No one can say that luck plays a part
As viewing reality is looking from the heart
Daytime living and nighttime dreaming
A never ending story that unfolds with ease
To take you along and discover the beauty
Of living and breathing and feeling and knowing
To then replay the day gone by as you sleep
Is to finally live that dream that is safe to keep
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