The focus has shifted. The attention is no longer where it used to be and that's good. It shows me that I am able to give to others, things they may need, attention they may require or an opinion that could help. It also shows me that I'm stronger and at a whole different "frequency" than I was, even 2 or 3 weeks ago.
I've been taking myself by surprise. Everything is going so good and I'm feeling so well. Sometimes I can't quite believe it. I've even gotten a few emails over the past week or so from friends, who don't follow my blog, but who I've had close contact with for months, through mail. They've been saying how happy I've been coming across, in my emails. They can notice the difference through the so-called energy that is sent by mail. That would make me wonder how sad or down I sounded for a long time, through what I'd write them in an email. It's strange because you never notice it at that moment in time, when you're writing to someone. You don't know how you come across, through your writings. But they say there's always an energy connected to what is written but we seldom ever realize this. We could think that the words are just words, containing no emotion or no hint of how your life really is going. But they obviously do, which probably only makes perfect sense..
So much reassurance I've been getting, left, right and center. Something I've been aware of but haven't gotten in such large dosis in such a short space of time. Not only from the people around me but also just from myself. From how I can be and feel about things and how happy I am to just be here and do nothing in particular. The way my body and mind can respond to the tiniest little things that usually wouldn't be that significant or cause such emotion, is amazing. They are no longer insignificant. In fact they are anything but that. And I'm so grateful. The gratitude for the tiniest little things, is something I never want to loose. But I might, as things that were once out of my reach or even abnormal to my daily life, soon will become normal again and gratitude might fade away. But who is to say this will happen? Without living for the future or living in the past, there are no grudges or judgement and gratitude could then always be felt as freedom is at the core and life will always be exciting and beautiful because of this.
Life is good, always has been and always will be. The way I'm responding to this drive I'm feeling inside, is showing me all I need to see, feel and know. As each week goes by, I get a little bit more stable and I understand some more. I'm so happy just by the fact that my physical strength is coming back. I go to bed at night and I'm not always exhausted. I walk for a while and I'm not out of breathe or needing to rest. I still feel excitement in my stomach, as the butterflies flutter as I think of all the special people in my life, no matter how near of how far they are from me.
The focus is still there but it's not a necessary as it once was. Thinking ahead without fear and looking back without regret. Each moment will present itself and without stress or anxiety everything is fresh and clear. Anything can be accomplished and anything is possible, right here and now. I can know, in my heart of hearts, that whatever happens in life, I have what it takes to be and do as I wish. So shifting the attention and focusing on other people, places and adventures can be done with ease because I'll never loose what I have. It's always there within my reach. The knowledge to know what to do and when to do it, will always be there. So I don't need to feel stress or feel anxiety. Nothing will be resolved by doing so and I will always know what to do when a certain situation presents itself. In actual fact, everybody knows what to do, but most people can think that by worrying about what could and might happen, will help them in their process of dealing with whatever issue or situation can come up. But it never can. Letting this go makes everything so amazing.
Am I able to finally give to others, the same thing I've given to myself? Or maybe if it's only a fraction of what I've given myself over the past months, then that can make a difference? Putting all I've gone through to good us, will most certainly be done. Be it on a small or large scale. That isn't important. Slowly but surely I'll see as clear as day, what I can do with the "soup of my emotions". I don't need to analyze it (even though that can be habit of mine that's hard to kick) because whatever was intended, will manifest itself. I don't need to stress it or push it or fear it. It will happen, some day, some how.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Grievance or miracle
Decisions that we make, are our own choices
And these choices are between the two voices
The voices make us feel calm or hysterical
Because one is a grievance and the other a miracle
Every opportunity can show a certain path
The effects are only noticed during the aftermath
Beforehand we can't know what will become
But we can approach it so no harm will be done
To choose the miracle in each situation
Will leave no room for doubt or hesitation
To choose the grievance is easy and expected
But only burdens you with feeling infected
Seeing what could be, makes the choice not that hard
But our automatic reaction could leave us scarred
So thinking beyond and turning off the tape
Is challenging and rewarding as you'll soon escape
A miracle within, as you've chosen that direction
Is there for the taking and passes inspection
Because it's perfect and real beyond any doubt
And once you've seen it, you'll never live without
And these choices are between the two voices
The voices make us feel calm or hysterical
Because one is a grievance and the other a miracle
Every opportunity can show a certain path
The effects are only noticed during the aftermath
Beforehand we can't know what will become
But we can approach it so no harm will be done
To choose the miracle in each situation
Will leave no room for doubt or hesitation
To choose the grievance is easy and expected
But only burdens you with feeling infected
Seeing what could be, makes the choice not that hard
But our automatic reaction could leave us scarred
So thinking beyond and turning off the tape
Is challenging and rewarding as you'll soon escape
A miracle within, as you've chosen that direction
Is there for the taking and passes inspection
Because it's perfect and real beyond any doubt
And once you've seen it, you'll never live without
The Observer
Be the observer and observe you as you are
Be the watcher and watch from a far
Be the see-er and see you as being real
Be the peeping-tom and accept what you will reveal
You are showing yourself, as observing is what you do
That what you are is only who you think is you
You are proving to yourself, as watching is making you see
That you are not who you think, and it's a realization that will set you free
You are telling yourself, as seeing isn't been done through your eyes
That from a different level, you are someone else in disguise
You are witnessing yourself, as a peeping-tom shall always spy
And the fact that this is possible, makes all your thoughts a lie
To see the thinker and not to engage
But to look at yourself as if standing centre stage
Watch the movie and learn as you evolve
And then see each act as a tiny problem to solve
Never identify yourself with the observation you make
You are only watching and that way learning from a mistake
To become attached is to forget what you can see
And that it isn't real as your peeping-tom urges you to just be
A moment of witnessing is a moment of space
And a moment of seeing is one never to erase
The thought will be gone and clarity is yours
And for that one moment nobody is keeping scores
Be the watcher and watch from a far
Be the see-er and see you as being real
Be the peeping-tom and accept what you will reveal
You are showing yourself, as observing is what you do
That what you are is only who you think is you
You are proving to yourself, as watching is making you see
That you are not who you think, and it's a realization that will set you free
You are telling yourself, as seeing isn't been done through your eyes
That from a different level, you are someone else in disguise
You are witnessing yourself, as a peeping-tom shall always spy
And the fact that this is possible, makes all your thoughts a lie
To see the thinker and not to engage
But to look at yourself as if standing centre stage
Watch the movie and learn as you evolve
And then see each act as a tiny problem to solve
Never identify yourself with the observation you make
You are only watching and that way learning from a mistake
To become attached is to forget what you can see
And that it isn't real as your peeping-tom urges you to just be
A moment of witnessing is a moment of space
And a moment of seeing is one never to erase
The thought will be gone and clarity is yours
And for that one moment nobody is keeping scores
Back in Ireland
It's Thursday evening. Ma and me got back to Ireland last night. The extended stay in Holland, due to bad weather conditions here in Ireland, wasn't great. But it wasn't a disaster either.
Initially it mucked me up on Tuesday. I had a bad start and didn't want to be around anybody or think too much, so I threw myself into writing, just so I wouldn't need or be expected to chat or interact. It all turned out fine in the end. But being around Aiden or Enya would have a positive effect on anybody's miserable mood. Wednesday I was wrecking my own head, big time. Up until I got on the plane that is. I just wanted to get home. I was sick of the waiting and I noticed that it was causing me to have to worst thoughts and feelings in the world.
I could see it happening, as I always seem to see it lately. I could hear the voice in my head and I wanted to escape it. But of course I couldn't. I know that everyone was glad to see the back of me. And I couldn't blame them for feeling that way. If I would have been able to get away from me at that moment, I would have been glad too.. I was just in such bad form. Maybe I just felt like I was in real bad form because the previous days I had been feeling so good. Maybe the difference between the two feelings was too big. I'm not too sure. But there were moments when I could have easily broken down and when I was on the verge of tears. But I kept it all at bay. I left it all behind as the plane finally took off.
We were back home at around 8 last night. The journey itself went okay. There were not major hick ups and being at the airport didn't wreck my head. I was actually there in mind and body! How different the world can be, when you don't float off to another planet, unintentionally. I had something small for dinner and then there was the big question I'd been toying with for a few days.. Do I go back on the supplement drinks again? I had 6 days without one and I was doing really well. I was getting enough energy from food and I was feeling full nearly all the time. I was fine with getting more calories from other sources. So last night I was afraid to have a supplement. I started to see it like taking a step back again. I'd become dependent on them again. I'd get used to having one, every night and it would only be harder to come off them again, in weeks to come. So what was I supposed to do?
I was thinking and thinking.. I didn't have a proper dinner yesterday because we were travelling and didn't really get the chance. So I thought it was best to have one at around 10 o'clock. Just to get enough calories for that day. I was feeling exhausted so I knew I needed a "nutrition-boost". And as I was thinking about it so much, I knew I had to have one.. It was on my mind and I was craving one. So I had one. I wasn't hungry though and it didn't go down too well. I don't know why. The first mouthful was real nice and familiar and safe but then the second one just made me feel queasy. But I forced it down. I had to finish it or else I'd feel guilty. I drank it and was so sorry afterwards.
I felt like I'd broken a seal.. it felt like I was hooked on these drinks and therefore coming off them and feeling fine was some sort of achievement that choosing to have one last night only made me feel like failure. I really needed a second opinion on what to do. I don't know if it really is as big a deal as I made it out to be (probably not, because I seem to be really good a blowing things out of proportion..). Or to cut to the chase.. I wasn't sure if I was going backwards by having a supplement last night.
It's now coming up to the time I'd usually have one..again (how quickly the hours go by..) and I'm not too sure what to do. They are just sitting in the bottom of the fridge.. Around 30 drinks. I can't just leave them there?? I can't just ignore them, when I could be getting more nutrition? They could be making me stronger and giving me a boost.. So why would I try to stay away from them if all they'll do, is good? Am I going backwards by having one a day, instead of none?? But if I know that I can easily be without, then doesn't that make it okay for me to still be drinking them?? Was the fact that they made me feel ill last night, just my body rejecting them and a sign that I don't need them anymore?? Have I reached my limits when it comes to building back up my daily food and calorie-intake??
After the drink last night, I went to bed. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want to regret having it. I needed to erase it from my mind and I was exhausted too and wanted the morning to come, so I could have a really really nice breakfast.. And finally the night passed and the morning came and I wasn't feeling bad anymore. I was just happy to be here and happy to be going to acupuncture.
I was chatting to Mr. Acupuncturist before the treatment. And as I missed my session with Diann this week, I was inclined to dump all of my "stuff" on him, but I couldn't. When I was talking, I realized that it really wasn't that big a deal, that I had the extra few days in Holland. It was unexpected but I got through it without giving in to my awful feelings too much. It was a challenge, but I rose to it, so all is well. I'm not questioning the bad thoughts anymore. I know why they came up and I know I let them go too. I know that it was just a bad reaction to something I had depended on happening. And if all they were, were bad thoughts that didn't effect my eating, then that's okay. So be it. Worse things have happened.
The treatment was so nice today. I did notice that I was fairly drained though, compared to last week. Last week I was still energized and buzzing. Each needle he stuck into me, I reacted to. But today I didn't react to any of them, because of the hectic days I've had. I was feeling the effects of them though, as always. This afternoon they were still having a lovely effect on me. So all is well and the food is making me so happy!
Initially it mucked me up on Tuesday. I had a bad start and didn't want to be around anybody or think too much, so I threw myself into writing, just so I wouldn't need or be expected to chat or interact. It all turned out fine in the end. But being around Aiden or Enya would have a positive effect on anybody's miserable mood. Wednesday I was wrecking my own head, big time. Up until I got on the plane that is. I just wanted to get home. I was sick of the waiting and I noticed that it was causing me to have to worst thoughts and feelings in the world.
I could see it happening, as I always seem to see it lately. I could hear the voice in my head and I wanted to escape it. But of course I couldn't. I know that everyone was glad to see the back of me. And I couldn't blame them for feeling that way. If I would have been able to get away from me at that moment, I would have been glad too.. I was just in such bad form. Maybe I just felt like I was in real bad form because the previous days I had been feeling so good. Maybe the difference between the two feelings was too big. I'm not too sure. But there were moments when I could have easily broken down and when I was on the verge of tears. But I kept it all at bay. I left it all behind as the plane finally took off.
We were back home at around 8 last night. The journey itself went okay. There were not major hick ups and being at the airport didn't wreck my head. I was actually there in mind and body! How different the world can be, when you don't float off to another planet, unintentionally. I had something small for dinner and then there was the big question I'd been toying with for a few days.. Do I go back on the supplement drinks again? I had 6 days without one and I was doing really well. I was getting enough energy from food and I was feeling full nearly all the time. I was fine with getting more calories from other sources. So last night I was afraid to have a supplement. I started to see it like taking a step back again. I'd become dependent on them again. I'd get used to having one, every night and it would only be harder to come off them again, in weeks to come. So what was I supposed to do?
I was thinking and thinking.. I didn't have a proper dinner yesterday because we were travelling and didn't really get the chance. So I thought it was best to have one at around 10 o'clock. Just to get enough calories for that day. I was feeling exhausted so I knew I needed a "nutrition-boost". And as I was thinking about it so much, I knew I had to have one.. It was on my mind and I was craving one. So I had one. I wasn't hungry though and it didn't go down too well. I don't know why. The first mouthful was real nice and familiar and safe but then the second one just made me feel queasy. But I forced it down. I had to finish it or else I'd feel guilty. I drank it and was so sorry afterwards.
I felt like I'd broken a seal.. it felt like I was hooked on these drinks and therefore coming off them and feeling fine was some sort of achievement that choosing to have one last night only made me feel like failure. I really needed a second opinion on what to do. I don't know if it really is as big a deal as I made it out to be (probably not, because I seem to be really good a blowing things out of proportion..). Or to cut to the chase.. I wasn't sure if I was going backwards by having a supplement last night.
It's now coming up to the time I'd usually have one..again (how quickly the hours go by..) and I'm not too sure what to do. They are just sitting in the bottom of the fridge.. Around 30 drinks. I can't just leave them there?? I can't just ignore them, when I could be getting more nutrition? They could be making me stronger and giving me a boost.. So why would I try to stay away from them if all they'll do, is good? Am I going backwards by having one a day, instead of none?? But if I know that I can easily be without, then doesn't that make it okay for me to still be drinking them?? Was the fact that they made me feel ill last night, just my body rejecting them and a sign that I don't need them anymore?? Have I reached my limits when it comes to building back up my daily food and calorie-intake??
After the drink last night, I went to bed. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want to regret having it. I needed to erase it from my mind and I was exhausted too and wanted the morning to come, so I could have a really really nice breakfast.. And finally the night passed and the morning came and I wasn't feeling bad anymore. I was just happy to be here and happy to be going to acupuncture.
I was chatting to Mr. Acupuncturist before the treatment. And as I missed my session with Diann this week, I was inclined to dump all of my "stuff" on him, but I couldn't. When I was talking, I realized that it really wasn't that big a deal, that I had the extra few days in Holland. It was unexpected but I got through it without giving in to my awful feelings too much. It was a challenge, but I rose to it, so all is well. I'm not questioning the bad thoughts anymore. I know why they came up and I know I let them go too. I know that it was just a bad reaction to something I had depended on happening. And if all they were, were bad thoughts that didn't effect my eating, then that's okay. So be it. Worse things have happened.
The treatment was so nice today. I did notice that I was fairly drained though, compared to last week. Last week I was still energized and buzzing. Each needle he stuck into me, I reacted to. But today I didn't react to any of them, because of the hectic days I've had. I was feeling the effects of them though, as always. This afternoon they were still having a lovely effect on me. So all is well and the food is making me so happy!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Tuesday - Everything is so wrong
When I woke up this morning in Emma's, it's Tuesday by the way, the first thing I thought about was food. I was doing so well, the past 5 days, that these thoughts were a massive downer for me. To be suddenly stressing about what to eat, how much to eat and when to eat, was such a shame. I was worried about what time I'd have my breakfast at. I was worried that once I started eating I might not be able to stop again, because I might have been restricting myself. I was worried about lunch, that it might not be the right food. I was worried about dinner that I might have to eat it too early and then end up binging on biscuits again, at 9 or 10 o'clock at night, because dinner wouldn't have been enough for me to make it through to breakfast again.
I got up, and I knew there wasn't any "safe" breakfast for me to have, because I hadn't planned on being in Emma's today. I wanted the breakfast I've been missing so much, which is yogurt and muesli. I wanted fresh juice. But of course none of that was here. It made me so angry, once I was up and wanting to eat. This might make me sound like a spoilt brat, but I don't care.. Being p*ssed off because my food wasn't here, is so silly, because I knew last night that I wouldn't have my normal breakfast. So why was it managing to make me angry? It wasn't as if I didn't know that I'd have to have a different breakfast. And on top of that, I started to get angry at myself for reacting so childish.
I got so upset by it all. Everything. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go to Diann, and I knew I wouldn't get to see her this week. I hadn't counted on this, and that was so annoying. Ma managed to book us on a flight on Wednesday afternoon. So another full day to go. I was breaking down again and it made me so angry. Why did this have to happen? The past 5 days, went so well and now these 2 extra days had to challenge me just that little bit more. It seemed so unfair. Then suddely I was overcome with all these other awful thought: Everyone is now assuming I don't need any safe food anymore and everyone is expecting me to be fine with everything, to be flexible and to just get on with living and everyone must think I'm better and nobody understands me. Then I was feeling that I'd have to prove to everyone I'm still not right.. and then I was angry because of how well the past 5 days had gone because it's only put more pressure on me to always be fine around people and food.. When I really can't rely on me to be that way..
So much stuff came up, that I wanted to go back to bed and not see or speak to anybody until tomorrow. I was raging for things to have turned out this way. But I forced myself to get dressed and walk to the shop (only 5 minutes down the road) and get some All Bran and some soya milk. At least then I'd have a breakfast that feels good. Because the thoughts of having to eat bread or toast first thing in the morning, just seemed to go against everything I believe in. It sounds pretty drastic, but that's how I felt. I wanted as much nutrition as possible, and bread doesn't do it for me. Maybe technically it does, but in my head it doesn't. It's just wrong. With that, I then got the impression that Ma thought it was all pretty funny..me going out to get the breakfast from the shop. When really there was nothing to laugh about, not on my part anyhow. Just goes to show..everyone thinks I'm better and now I'm making a big deal about nothing.. Do you see how quickly people can assume things?
I had breakfast and wanted to go to bed. But I didn't. I had so much writing I just needed to do, so for hours I was typing. I just finished lunch at half 3.. I was stressing about what it was, because it was actually too late in the afternoon and dinner would be happening too soon and I'd be eating too much in too short a time-space. I had 2 slices of bread, one with cheese, a half with chicken salade and a half with peanut butter. And of course, it was all wrong.. The cheese was too greasy, the butter I put on the bread wasn't necessary, because I had put peanut BUTTER and chicken salade that had MAYONAISE in it, on top. Why did I do that? I don't know. Well, I do. Because initially I wanted to have the toast with plain butter. But it was tasteless. So I put the chicken and the peanut butter on top. It was all wrong. And it felt disgusting. It's at times like that, that I know nothing will feel good to eat, no matter how healthy or unhealthy it is. There will always be some reason for me to not feel good about eating it.
The worst thing about it all, is that I could see it happening, every little thing. I was watching myself doing it and I still couldn't stop it. And I know why it was all happening too. It's because I hadn't considered the fact that I might still be here today. I hadn't mentally prepared myself to be faced with 2 extra days of being away from the fridge at home. It's mucked me up. And this morning when I was feeling so bad, and then when I finally had a late lunch (which was so so wrong)as well, I had that feeling in the front of my head again. The feeling that I can't describe and that always makes me feel fuzzy and weighs my forehead down. It's been at least a week since I've felt that feeling, and I hadn't missed it at all. But today it was back again.
O yeah, and to add to the challenge this morning, I stood on the weighing scales. I don't know if it was to torture myself even more than I already was, or if it was because the temptation was too big. But I've been thinking about it, on and off, for weeks now. I've been telling myself that I'd be okay to know my weight and that it's purely out of curiosity that I'd stand on it. It's not to try loose the weight and it's not to "feed Anna". I told myself this morning that I was only standing on it, just to ease the shock that I might get if I wait another 3 or 4 months before standing on one. It's been 4 months, and I mentally prepared myself.
It was like I was breaking a pact with someone, by standing on it. I don't know with who. It was also as if I was taking a massive leap of faith and taking a massive risk because I didn't know what the outcome would be or if it would change things or if it would make me feel any different. By mentally preparing myself, I assured myself that it wouldn't change things. I still need to eat and I still need to challenge myself by trying different foods, no matter what the scales says. I still need to keep the work going, as I have been doing through out the months that have gone by. I thought I'd be around 45. But I wasn't, I was actually quite shocked. I was only 40. I couldn't believe it. Not that it matters if I would have been hitting the 50. As Diann has told me a thousand times, it's just a number and it doesn't hold any meaning. I know this, but it just shocked me because of all the eating I've been doing and have only managed to put on around 10 kilo's. It proves that I DO need a lot food or more so than normal, to breathe, sleep, write, read, sit and be active (as I have been for a couple of weeks now) AND to put on weight.
I've always known this, but seeing it on the scales just makes it more real. It hasn't made me wanna keep away from food. I won't be standing on a scales now for another few months because I know it will only become an obsession again and I'll want to keep it at this number. I don't have access to one, so I can't even consider starting the drama again. I know if I had one that I could stand on everyday, I would. It would be so easy to get back in to the same routine as I was always in.. eating as little as possible to keep the number the same. And I'd be lying if I were to say that it didn't scare the life out of me. I know that the lunch I had today would have been an issue, if I had or hadn't stood on the scales. Because when I was eating it, I wasn't thinking about the scales. There were so much other bad thoughts going on that I don't think I'd have been capable to stress about the scales.
I felt strong enough to take that "step of faith" and stand on it. I was sure enough that I wouldn't let it effect me the way it used to and I'm still eating and am able to forget about that number. But then I hear myself saying that I'm weak for having stood on it today and for not resisting temptation, but that's not what it's about. It's about what effect I let that number have on me. And I know that I'll leave it as it is. I know I still need more weight and I'm still gaining the weight, as we speak, or as I type (all that greasy cheese and being slapped onto my hips momentarily). If I want my periods to come, I need to keep on gaining and I will. Afterall, it's only a number and it says nothing.
Today had been another big one. I'm half way there. I'm depending on being back on Ireland tomorrow night. But nothing is ever certain in this life. But for now, this is it.. Dinner is approaching. I'm having salmon by the way..of course the supermarkets here in Holland sell fish as well.. ;)
I got up, and I knew there wasn't any "safe" breakfast for me to have, because I hadn't planned on being in Emma's today. I wanted the breakfast I've been missing so much, which is yogurt and muesli. I wanted fresh juice. But of course none of that was here. It made me so angry, once I was up and wanting to eat. This might make me sound like a spoilt brat, but I don't care.. Being p*ssed off because my food wasn't here, is so silly, because I knew last night that I wouldn't have my normal breakfast. So why was it managing to make me angry? It wasn't as if I didn't know that I'd have to have a different breakfast. And on top of that, I started to get angry at myself for reacting so childish.
I got so upset by it all. Everything. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go to Diann, and I knew I wouldn't get to see her this week. I hadn't counted on this, and that was so annoying. Ma managed to book us on a flight on Wednesday afternoon. So another full day to go. I was breaking down again and it made me so angry. Why did this have to happen? The past 5 days, went so well and now these 2 extra days had to challenge me just that little bit more. It seemed so unfair. Then suddely I was overcome with all these other awful thought: Everyone is now assuming I don't need any safe food anymore and everyone is expecting me to be fine with everything, to be flexible and to just get on with living and everyone must think I'm better and nobody understands me. Then I was feeling that I'd have to prove to everyone I'm still not right.. and then I was angry because of how well the past 5 days had gone because it's only put more pressure on me to always be fine around people and food.. When I really can't rely on me to be that way..
So much stuff came up, that I wanted to go back to bed and not see or speak to anybody until tomorrow. I was raging for things to have turned out this way. But I forced myself to get dressed and walk to the shop (only 5 minutes down the road) and get some All Bran and some soya milk. At least then I'd have a breakfast that feels good. Because the thoughts of having to eat bread or toast first thing in the morning, just seemed to go against everything I believe in. It sounds pretty drastic, but that's how I felt. I wanted as much nutrition as possible, and bread doesn't do it for me. Maybe technically it does, but in my head it doesn't. It's just wrong. With that, I then got the impression that Ma thought it was all pretty funny..me going out to get the breakfast from the shop. When really there was nothing to laugh about, not on my part anyhow. Just goes to show..everyone thinks I'm better and now I'm making a big deal about nothing.. Do you see how quickly people can assume things?
I had breakfast and wanted to go to bed. But I didn't. I had so much writing I just needed to do, so for hours I was typing. I just finished lunch at half 3.. I was stressing about what it was, because it was actually too late in the afternoon and dinner would be happening too soon and I'd be eating too much in too short a time-space. I had 2 slices of bread, one with cheese, a half with chicken salade and a half with peanut butter. And of course, it was all wrong.. The cheese was too greasy, the butter I put on the bread wasn't necessary, because I had put peanut BUTTER and chicken salade that had MAYONAISE in it, on top. Why did I do that? I don't know. Well, I do. Because initially I wanted to have the toast with plain butter. But it was tasteless. So I put the chicken and the peanut butter on top. It was all wrong. And it felt disgusting. It's at times like that, that I know nothing will feel good to eat, no matter how healthy or unhealthy it is. There will always be some reason for me to not feel good about eating it.
The worst thing about it all, is that I could see it happening, every little thing. I was watching myself doing it and I still couldn't stop it. And I know why it was all happening too. It's because I hadn't considered the fact that I might still be here today. I hadn't mentally prepared myself to be faced with 2 extra days of being away from the fridge at home. It's mucked me up. And this morning when I was feeling so bad, and then when I finally had a late lunch (which was so so wrong)as well, I had that feeling in the front of my head again. The feeling that I can't describe and that always makes me feel fuzzy and weighs my forehead down. It's been at least a week since I've felt that feeling, and I hadn't missed it at all. But today it was back again.
O yeah, and to add to the challenge this morning, I stood on the weighing scales. I don't know if it was to torture myself even more than I already was, or if it was because the temptation was too big. But I've been thinking about it, on and off, for weeks now. I've been telling myself that I'd be okay to know my weight and that it's purely out of curiosity that I'd stand on it. It's not to try loose the weight and it's not to "feed Anna". I told myself this morning that I was only standing on it, just to ease the shock that I might get if I wait another 3 or 4 months before standing on one. It's been 4 months, and I mentally prepared myself.
It was like I was breaking a pact with someone, by standing on it. I don't know with who. It was also as if I was taking a massive leap of faith and taking a massive risk because I didn't know what the outcome would be or if it would change things or if it would make me feel any different. By mentally preparing myself, I assured myself that it wouldn't change things. I still need to eat and I still need to challenge myself by trying different foods, no matter what the scales says. I still need to keep the work going, as I have been doing through out the months that have gone by. I thought I'd be around 45. But I wasn't, I was actually quite shocked. I was only 40. I couldn't believe it. Not that it matters if I would have been hitting the 50. As Diann has told me a thousand times, it's just a number and it doesn't hold any meaning. I know this, but it just shocked me because of all the eating I've been doing and have only managed to put on around 10 kilo's. It proves that I DO need a lot food or more so than normal, to breathe, sleep, write, read, sit and be active (as I have been for a couple of weeks now) AND to put on weight.
I've always known this, but seeing it on the scales just makes it more real. It hasn't made me wanna keep away from food. I won't be standing on a scales now for another few months because I know it will only become an obsession again and I'll want to keep it at this number. I don't have access to one, so I can't even consider starting the drama again. I know if I had one that I could stand on everyday, I would. It would be so easy to get back in to the same routine as I was always in.. eating as little as possible to keep the number the same. And I'd be lying if I were to say that it didn't scare the life out of me. I know that the lunch I had today would have been an issue, if I had or hadn't stood on the scales. Because when I was eating it, I wasn't thinking about the scales. There were so much other bad thoughts going on that I don't think I'd have been capable to stress about the scales.
I felt strong enough to take that "step of faith" and stand on it. I was sure enough that I wouldn't let it effect me the way it used to and I'm still eating and am able to forget about that number. But then I hear myself saying that I'm weak for having stood on it today and for not resisting temptation, but that's not what it's about. It's about what effect I let that number have on me. And I know that I'll leave it as it is. I know I still need more weight and I'm still gaining the weight, as we speak, or as I type (all that greasy cheese and being slapped onto my hips momentarily). If I want my periods to come, I need to keep on gaining and I will. Afterall, it's only a number and it says nothing.
Today had been another big one. I'm half way there. I'm depending on being back on Ireland tomorrow night. But nothing is ever certain in this life. But for now, this is it.. Dinner is approaching. I'm having salmon by the way..of course the supermarkets here in Holland sell fish as well.. ;)
Monday - What a day
Monday came. By this stage, it felt like I'd been away for weeks and weeks. Monday should have been my last day in Holland and I thought I be going to sleep in Ireland, in my bed and I thought Tuesday I'd have all my food again. I'd have my yogurt, muesli, nuts, seedy bread, salmon and brown rice. I'd be going to Diann again and I'd be able to lie in bed for as long as I want.
Funnily enough, the day started off pretty good but took a few "interesting" twists and turns. I got up and was taking it easy. I had some All-Bran for breakfast (which by the way, has been having amazing effects on my bowels..I won't go into too much detail, let's just say I've been feeling very light). I sat about the house, did some reading and went to see Natasja and her little baby Lana. It was a short walk, and it was snowing. It was so gorgeous, the fresh snow and the sounds it was making, crunching underneath my boots. It didn't even feel that cold. I did think that it might effect our trip back, as we were flying at 9 o'clock in the evening. But hey-ho, no point in worrying about that, time will reveal all, as it always does.
At Natasja's, it was so nice. We had some great chats and her little girl is the cutest thing. The last time I went to see her, was in November. That was the difficult weekend when I wasn't feeling too good. But yesterday it was sooo nice. I was feeling fine with opening-up to Natasja about how I've been doing, about how the weekend was, how I was feeling with food and people. I didn't feel like I was exposing myself and I wanted her to know about it all. In a way it was such a relief to know that I can still let other people into my "head", through talking and not only writing. I now know that I can talk openly to other people who are close to me, other than Ma and Diann. For so long I simply couldn't. It's such a reassuring sign to know that the thing I always stressed about, analyzed and even occassionally feared the most, which was not being able to talk honestly and openly to the people I love about how I'm feeling, hasn't gone and it will only get easier.
Also chatting and being around someone who is my own age, who isn't family and who was in my life before Anna, was so nice. It showed me, that I'm still me. I'm still able to have fun. I'm still able to enjoy myself. I'm able to engage in other peoples lives. I can't put into words how great this all can be. Just like it felt on Sunday when we were with the 4 of us. These are all such little things, and to most people insignificant things. But to me, they mean the world and I appreciate them so much. They make me so happy. Not only the people who are still there and who I can always rely on and who can also always rely on me, but just the way I can feel about it all. About everything. I know that I don't need a lot to feel good. Not at this stage anyhow. Right now, I'm just so happy with all that I've realized, seen and felt since Thursday.
Afterwards I went back to Orla's to pack my bags. I had a good bit of paperwork, clothes and bits & bobs to sort out. Things that I'd be needing in Ireland and things that I didn't want to be carrying around with me forever. It took 2 hours and the things I came across.. Some old photo's. Some old writings. Some old clothes that have sentimental value.. But after sorting out what I needed and wanted to bring back and what I had to throw out, I felt a little bit lighter again. Which was nice. I had my backpack too, which I filled with clothes to bring back with me and just using it again, was the best feeling in the world. I knew I'd soon be packing it to go travelling again. I actually felt, yesterday afternoon, as if I was preparing myself for a big journey. I don't know where I was planning on going, but I felt like I was leaving for good. And it felt great and made me so happy..
We left for the airport at 6 in the afternoon. All day, there had been warnings on the news that the weather in both England and Ireland was pretty bad. The airports were all effected by the snow, but it had stopped snowing in Holland, so I didn't really expect there to be any major delays. I wasn't worried. But if I had worried about it, it wouldn't have made any difference. Then when we were waiting for the flight and when all I wanted was to be in bed, Ma got a text saying that the flight had been cancelled.. That was a bummer, to say the least. But giving out stink about the fact that the airport in Dublin was closed due to heavy snow, wouldn't have solved a thing.
At that point I didn't really worry about the next day. Instead we spent at least half an hour running around the airport, trying to figure out how and when we could get on a different flight. It turned out that we had to ring the airline to rebook a flight for either Tuesday or Wednesday. Emma, the darling, came back down to the airport to pick us up. So we hung around and all I kept thinking of, was what food am I going to eat? All day, and even on Sunday, I was so looking forward to the food in fridge at home, that I wasn't feeling to chirpy at the thoughts of not being able to eat. It was like I planned to get through 5 days of eating different foods and not having my supplements and that after those 5 days were gone, I was going to eat the foods are safe and that I enjoy. There was going to be no more issues around food and I could eat what I like.
But not anymore. As we were waiting for the Emma, I sat there, thinking and thinking and more the more I thought about food and what might happen the following, the more I ate, because Ma had biscuits in her bag. I couldn't stop eating. It was like I was storing food, for the next day or 2, when I wouldn't be eating. I don't where it came from. And then I thought I wasn't ever going to stop eating these biscuits. But I had to stop eating. But I had to have them at the same time. Because whenever there's food in sight, and I'm looking at it and thinking about it, I have to have it to stop my craving and to stop me from drooling. But it didn't work like that last night. I was on my third biscuit and I still wanted more. The craving felt uncurable and I really felt like I'd be eating for the rest of my life without ever taking a breather and it didn't feel too good... What was I going to do??
We were back in Emma's at 10.30. I was so tired and just wanted bed. My back was aching from running around the airport and I couldn't help feeling like I'd wasted so much of my energy for absolutely nothing. Which I suppose in a way is true. And the same goes for everyone else, I know. So why should I feel more resentful than anybody else? It doesn't make much sense.. I know having a flight cancelled is something unpredictable and causes hassle for everyone and is also beyond anybodys control, but it just wasn't what I needed at that moment in time. But I couldn't focus on that thought and another thing I couldn't do was take on the stress of it all. I knew it would only make my head go crazy. Once I'd engage with whatever stress Ma was having to deal with, I would have turned so quickly from feeling good to feeling bad. And I wasn't going to let that happen. So I went to bed and I had to forget about it all..
What a day..
Funnily enough, the day started off pretty good but took a few "interesting" twists and turns. I got up and was taking it easy. I had some All-Bran for breakfast (which by the way, has been having amazing effects on my bowels..I won't go into too much detail, let's just say I've been feeling very light). I sat about the house, did some reading and went to see Natasja and her little baby Lana. It was a short walk, and it was snowing. It was so gorgeous, the fresh snow and the sounds it was making, crunching underneath my boots. It didn't even feel that cold. I did think that it might effect our trip back, as we were flying at 9 o'clock in the evening. But hey-ho, no point in worrying about that, time will reveal all, as it always does.
At Natasja's, it was so nice. We had some great chats and her little girl is the cutest thing. The last time I went to see her, was in November. That was the difficult weekend when I wasn't feeling too good. But yesterday it was sooo nice. I was feeling fine with opening-up to Natasja about how I've been doing, about how the weekend was, how I was feeling with food and people. I didn't feel like I was exposing myself and I wanted her to know about it all. In a way it was such a relief to know that I can still let other people into my "head", through talking and not only writing. I now know that I can talk openly to other people who are close to me, other than Ma and Diann. For so long I simply couldn't. It's such a reassuring sign to know that the thing I always stressed about, analyzed and even occassionally feared the most, which was not being able to talk honestly and openly to the people I love about how I'm feeling, hasn't gone and it will only get easier.
Also chatting and being around someone who is my own age, who isn't family and who was in my life before Anna, was so nice. It showed me, that I'm still me. I'm still able to have fun. I'm still able to enjoy myself. I'm able to engage in other peoples lives. I can't put into words how great this all can be. Just like it felt on Sunday when we were with the 4 of us. These are all such little things, and to most people insignificant things. But to me, they mean the world and I appreciate them so much. They make me so happy. Not only the people who are still there and who I can always rely on and who can also always rely on me, but just the way I can feel about it all. About everything. I know that I don't need a lot to feel good. Not at this stage anyhow. Right now, I'm just so happy with all that I've realized, seen and felt since Thursday.
Afterwards I went back to Orla's to pack my bags. I had a good bit of paperwork, clothes and bits & bobs to sort out. Things that I'd be needing in Ireland and things that I didn't want to be carrying around with me forever. It took 2 hours and the things I came across.. Some old photo's. Some old writings. Some old clothes that have sentimental value.. But after sorting out what I needed and wanted to bring back and what I had to throw out, I felt a little bit lighter again. Which was nice. I had my backpack too, which I filled with clothes to bring back with me and just using it again, was the best feeling in the world. I knew I'd soon be packing it to go travelling again. I actually felt, yesterday afternoon, as if I was preparing myself for a big journey. I don't know where I was planning on going, but I felt like I was leaving for good. And it felt great and made me so happy..
We left for the airport at 6 in the afternoon. All day, there had been warnings on the news that the weather in both England and Ireland was pretty bad. The airports were all effected by the snow, but it had stopped snowing in Holland, so I didn't really expect there to be any major delays. I wasn't worried. But if I had worried about it, it wouldn't have made any difference. Then when we were waiting for the flight and when all I wanted was to be in bed, Ma got a text saying that the flight had been cancelled.. That was a bummer, to say the least. But giving out stink about the fact that the airport in Dublin was closed due to heavy snow, wouldn't have solved a thing.
At that point I didn't really worry about the next day. Instead we spent at least half an hour running around the airport, trying to figure out how and when we could get on a different flight. It turned out that we had to ring the airline to rebook a flight for either Tuesday or Wednesday. Emma, the darling, came back down to the airport to pick us up. So we hung around and all I kept thinking of, was what food am I going to eat? All day, and even on Sunday, I was so looking forward to the food in fridge at home, that I wasn't feeling to chirpy at the thoughts of not being able to eat. It was like I planned to get through 5 days of eating different foods and not having my supplements and that after those 5 days were gone, I was going to eat the foods are safe and that I enjoy. There was going to be no more issues around food and I could eat what I like.
But not anymore. As we were waiting for the Emma, I sat there, thinking and thinking and more the more I thought about food and what might happen the following, the more I ate, because Ma had biscuits in her bag. I couldn't stop eating. It was like I was storing food, for the next day or 2, when I wouldn't be eating. I don't where it came from. And then I thought I wasn't ever going to stop eating these biscuits. But I had to stop eating. But I had to have them at the same time. Because whenever there's food in sight, and I'm looking at it and thinking about it, I have to have it to stop my craving and to stop me from drooling. But it didn't work like that last night. I was on my third biscuit and I still wanted more. The craving felt uncurable and I really felt like I'd be eating for the rest of my life without ever taking a breather and it didn't feel too good... What was I going to do??
We were back in Emma's at 10.30. I was so tired and just wanted bed. My back was aching from running around the airport and I couldn't help feeling like I'd wasted so much of my energy for absolutely nothing. Which I suppose in a way is true. And the same goes for everyone else, I know. So why should I feel more resentful than anybody else? It doesn't make much sense.. I know having a flight cancelled is something unpredictable and causes hassle for everyone and is also beyond anybodys control, but it just wasn't what I needed at that moment in time. But I couldn't focus on that thought and another thing I couldn't do was take on the stress of it all. I knew it would only make my head go crazy. Once I'd engage with whatever stress Ma was having to deal with, I would have turned so quickly from feeling good to feeling bad. And I wasn't going to let that happen. So I went to bed and I had to forget about it all..
What a day..
Sunday - A meeting with friends
Sunday didn't start off too well. Once I was up and doing things, I wanted to go back to bed again. There was a lot of pressure for some reason. Even though I was doing all the things I needed to do, to keep me calm, everything still was so hard. I went back to bed, because I just couldn't be around people. I had agreed to meet up with the girls, Natasja, Wendy and Janneke. So I needed to save my energy for that and didn't really want to take on doing anything else.
I was suddenly feeling the stress of being in Holland. It was like, okay, now I've been here for 3 full days, I've adjusted, without really wanting to adjust and now I want to leave. I wanted it to be Monday, I wanted to go back to Ireland. I didn't want to be sucked into the stress of just trying to be and live and fit in properly in this country. I was really feeling it on Sunday morning. Maybe because I was so tired from the past 3 days. Maybe it was me secretly feeling okay with being here, but not wanting to be here and scared that I might feel more comfortable living at this pace of life, when really its not what I want. Because I noticed it's so easy to pick up to pace of life in Holland, now that I'm getting stronger. I'm talking about planning a day, meeting people and committing to being somewhere at a certain time. Having to constantly think ahead, just to make it through the day and just to have done something productive.. Look, there it is, the dreaded word. Everything has to go by the clock and everything has to fit in neatly, or else the world might stop turning. On Thursday I had a slight adjustment problem and didn't feel too safe being here. I felt awkward and out of place. But that settled pretty soon and I got in to the rythym of life here. I had to pick up the pace, just because I could. Or so it felt anyhow. It was like I couldn't slow down, because I now have more energy to do more things. So why would or should I even consider fighting against the pace??
This all sounds pretty vague, but on Sunday morning it was hard for me to look at how everyone else around me lives their life. It was hard to bear, and the fact that I was supposed to go along with it, frustrated me even more. I know it was my own choice, so that was fine, and it was also my own doing, but still. There simply is no other way to be, than slotting every little thing you do in a day, into the great "scheme of thing" in order to fit in to this way of living. I got all teary and I didn't want people pulling on me. I wanted to be alone, but I couldn't. I wanted to meet up with the girls, so I decided to get on with it. I had to get myself up and ready and I knew that it would be worth it. Even though, for a few minutes I seriously contemplated cancelling, but I didn't. I could do it, and I did.
First I went into town with Emma and Orla and the little bubba's and then I met up with Natasja, Wendy and Janneke at 4. It was so nice and I'm so glad that I didn't back out at the last minute. It's amazing what someone can do, when they put their mind to it. But I didn't really need to put my mind to it, because it was all so effortless. It felt like I'd only seen them last week. But that's always the way. We chatted and laughed and I was feeling so good. As I sat there, I seriously didn't know why I was feeling so wary that morning, about meeting up. It was like old times. I didn't even feel like I needed to be a certain way. Just being in their company was enough. It was reassuring and it made me feel alive again. I was able to talk about the move on Friday and about quitting my job and about Ireland. I was fine with it all and didn't feel overwhelmed. We sat in the pub for around an hour and a half.
Something I've missed so much too.. Sitting in a pub.. It was great, with friends and tea and not feeling alien or paranoid or exhausted or sad. It reminded me of the main reason why I'd want to stay living in Holland. And that's to be close to my dear friends and sisters. Those are the reasons that drew me back in the first place and it would be so easy to go down that road again. Because isn't that what they say: "the people around you and the relationships you have, make your world".. That's the thing I've missed the most, since leaving Holland back in June. Being close to them and being apart of their lives. I know that distance really doesn't matter when it comes to friendships, but still they are friendships of a different level almost. Things that come up from day to day, aren't spoken of. Things that make them happy or sad from week to week, are things that are forgotten about or suddenly seem insignificant, when really they are everything but insignificant. That's the thing I miss so much. But it's not going to help matters by dwelling on it. At the moment, things are as they are. The way I felt on Sunday morning, was like the confirmation I needed. I knew that if I wanted to, I could fit back into living a life in Holland, but it also confirmed that I don't want to fit in anymore and that's more important. It simply didn't feel good.
On Sunday afternoon it did feel good though and that was because of the girls and because of my sisters and Enya and Aiden and Sandra and Naomi. In such a relatively short space of time, I had so many great encounters with the people the are most important to me and who have been for the majority of my life, that it seemed strange for me to be leaving and to still feel happy about everything. A place where I haven't half as much as I have here.. Or so it may feel. Maybe I have so much more in Ireland, on a daily basis, than I would do if I were to slot back in to life in Holland. In Ireland I have Ma, Eileen and Sean. I have Diann and I have Acupuncture. I have peace, I have books. I have no stress or pressure. I have the opportunity to feel at ease and to branch out or withdraw if and when I please and I have the freedom to fill in every hour as I please. That could be the reason why I still wanted to go back to Ireland even though I'm not going to be as close as I'd want to be, to the people who once were and could so easily again, become my world. The things I have in Ireland must be the things that I cherish more, at this moment in time and also the things I need more right now.
We said our goodbyes and I was so happy to have gone, that I didn't regret a thing. The weekend was nearly done, now all I needed was food, rest and some peace. I had dinner at Emma's house and then went to Orla. I was pretty tired by that stage and wanted my bed again. I didn't really want to speak and I had to place myself in a bubble. Which was nice, because it was just me, myself and I, even if I wasn't alone. I was happy with the way things were going and I would be even happier once I was back in Ireland. I never imagined I'd hear myself say this, but I was missing my writing and I was missing focusing on me. I don't care how selfish that sounds. I've been so used to concentrating on making progress, through this blog and through taking my quiet-time and through taking time to learn, that I've missed it and I was starting to feel anxious that I was undoing a lot of the good I've done by "giving" more of myself over the past 4 or 5 days and spreading my energy and attention than I've been used to doing, over the past 6 or 7 months. But I've felt that it's something that I still can do and enjoy, but at the same time can feel odd as I'm scared that I won't be able to get back in to my own routine of recovery again.
Somtimes I ask myself if I still need that or if this weekend has just shown me that I can slowly start to break away from it. But in a way, I was already starting to break away from my daily routine, of writing, resting, eating and reading. Because I'm walking now again too, and not sleeping in the afternoon and not worrying about food 24/7. So the recovery can still continue, but it will change as I get stronger. Because I'm needing more. The difference between being in Holland or in Ireland, at this stage of recovery, is that in Ireland I can do it at my own pace. And I can be as I want. In a way I'm able for more, back in Ireland. I can find my limits easier and push the so-called barriers more too. It's because everything is familiar and I'm there to finish this stage in my life. A weekend in Holland is okay, as long as I remember it's only to "test the water" and to see everyone again. That's all.
So Sunday was another day full of different things. I needed sleep so badly. But I couldn't really, not properly anyhow.. But I was nearly there..
I was suddenly feeling the stress of being in Holland. It was like, okay, now I've been here for 3 full days, I've adjusted, without really wanting to adjust and now I want to leave. I wanted it to be Monday, I wanted to go back to Ireland. I didn't want to be sucked into the stress of just trying to be and live and fit in properly in this country. I was really feeling it on Sunday morning. Maybe because I was so tired from the past 3 days. Maybe it was me secretly feeling okay with being here, but not wanting to be here and scared that I might feel more comfortable living at this pace of life, when really its not what I want. Because I noticed it's so easy to pick up to pace of life in Holland, now that I'm getting stronger. I'm talking about planning a day, meeting people and committing to being somewhere at a certain time. Having to constantly think ahead, just to make it through the day and just to have done something productive.. Look, there it is, the dreaded word. Everything has to go by the clock and everything has to fit in neatly, or else the world might stop turning. On Thursday I had a slight adjustment problem and didn't feel too safe being here. I felt awkward and out of place. But that settled pretty soon and I got in to the rythym of life here. I had to pick up the pace, just because I could. Or so it felt anyhow. It was like I couldn't slow down, because I now have more energy to do more things. So why would or should I even consider fighting against the pace??
This all sounds pretty vague, but on Sunday morning it was hard for me to look at how everyone else around me lives their life. It was hard to bear, and the fact that I was supposed to go along with it, frustrated me even more. I know it was my own choice, so that was fine, and it was also my own doing, but still. There simply is no other way to be, than slotting every little thing you do in a day, into the great "scheme of thing" in order to fit in to this way of living. I got all teary and I didn't want people pulling on me. I wanted to be alone, but I couldn't. I wanted to meet up with the girls, so I decided to get on with it. I had to get myself up and ready and I knew that it would be worth it. Even though, for a few minutes I seriously contemplated cancelling, but I didn't. I could do it, and I did.
First I went into town with Emma and Orla and the little bubba's and then I met up with Natasja, Wendy and Janneke at 4. It was so nice and I'm so glad that I didn't back out at the last minute. It's amazing what someone can do, when they put their mind to it. But I didn't really need to put my mind to it, because it was all so effortless. It felt like I'd only seen them last week. But that's always the way. We chatted and laughed and I was feeling so good. As I sat there, I seriously didn't know why I was feeling so wary that morning, about meeting up. It was like old times. I didn't even feel like I needed to be a certain way. Just being in their company was enough. It was reassuring and it made me feel alive again. I was able to talk about the move on Friday and about quitting my job and about Ireland. I was fine with it all and didn't feel overwhelmed. We sat in the pub for around an hour and a half.
Something I've missed so much too.. Sitting in a pub.. It was great, with friends and tea and not feeling alien or paranoid or exhausted or sad. It reminded me of the main reason why I'd want to stay living in Holland. And that's to be close to my dear friends and sisters. Those are the reasons that drew me back in the first place and it would be so easy to go down that road again. Because isn't that what they say: "the people around you and the relationships you have, make your world".. That's the thing I've missed the most, since leaving Holland back in June. Being close to them and being apart of their lives. I know that distance really doesn't matter when it comes to friendships, but still they are friendships of a different level almost. Things that come up from day to day, aren't spoken of. Things that make them happy or sad from week to week, are things that are forgotten about or suddenly seem insignificant, when really they are everything but insignificant. That's the thing I miss so much. But it's not going to help matters by dwelling on it. At the moment, things are as they are. The way I felt on Sunday morning, was like the confirmation I needed. I knew that if I wanted to, I could fit back into living a life in Holland, but it also confirmed that I don't want to fit in anymore and that's more important. It simply didn't feel good.
On Sunday afternoon it did feel good though and that was because of the girls and because of my sisters and Enya and Aiden and Sandra and Naomi. In such a relatively short space of time, I had so many great encounters with the people the are most important to me and who have been for the majority of my life, that it seemed strange for me to be leaving and to still feel happy about everything. A place where I haven't half as much as I have here.. Or so it may feel. Maybe I have so much more in Ireland, on a daily basis, than I would do if I were to slot back in to life in Holland. In Ireland I have Ma, Eileen and Sean. I have Diann and I have Acupuncture. I have peace, I have books. I have no stress or pressure. I have the opportunity to feel at ease and to branch out or withdraw if and when I please and I have the freedom to fill in every hour as I please. That could be the reason why I still wanted to go back to Ireland even though I'm not going to be as close as I'd want to be, to the people who once were and could so easily again, become my world. The things I have in Ireland must be the things that I cherish more, at this moment in time and also the things I need more right now.
We said our goodbyes and I was so happy to have gone, that I didn't regret a thing. The weekend was nearly done, now all I needed was food, rest and some peace. I had dinner at Emma's house and then went to Orla. I was pretty tired by that stage and wanted my bed again. I didn't really want to speak and I had to place myself in a bubble. Which was nice, because it was just me, myself and I, even if I wasn't alone. I was happy with the way things were going and I would be even happier once I was back in Ireland. I never imagined I'd hear myself say this, but I was missing my writing and I was missing focusing on me. I don't care how selfish that sounds. I've been so used to concentrating on making progress, through this blog and through taking my quiet-time and through taking time to learn, that I've missed it and I was starting to feel anxious that I was undoing a lot of the good I've done by "giving" more of myself over the past 4 or 5 days and spreading my energy and attention than I've been used to doing, over the past 6 or 7 months. But I've felt that it's something that I still can do and enjoy, but at the same time can feel odd as I'm scared that I won't be able to get back in to my own routine of recovery again.
Somtimes I ask myself if I still need that or if this weekend has just shown me that I can slowly start to break away from it. But in a way, I was already starting to break away from my daily routine, of writing, resting, eating and reading. Because I'm walking now again too, and not sleeping in the afternoon and not worrying about food 24/7. So the recovery can still continue, but it will change as I get stronger. Because I'm needing more. The difference between being in Holland or in Ireland, at this stage of recovery, is that in Ireland I can do it at my own pace. And I can be as I want. In a way I'm able for more, back in Ireland. I can find my limits easier and push the so-called barriers more too. It's because everything is familiar and I'm there to finish this stage in my life. A weekend in Holland is okay, as long as I remember it's only to "test the water" and to see everyone again. That's all.
So Sunday was another day full of different things. I needed sleep so badly. But I couldn't really, not properly anyhow.. But I was nearly there..
Saturday - Aiden's little party
Today it's Tuesday and it feels like I haven't been writing for ages and ages. It's only been 3 days. So much has happened. I'd better start from where I left off.. Saturday afternoon was Aiden's birthday party. I wasn't too nervous and I wasn't dreading it either. I knew I'd be okay. I set up my "party-food-plan" beforehand. I was letting myself have 4 glasses of wine and some savoury nibbles (not crisps but nuts or crackers or something). As for dinner, I didn't really think about that too much, I wanted to go with the flow and see how I'd do, being around people and eating whatever were to come my way.
We got to Emma's at around 3 and it wasn't as busy as I thought would be, which was a nice surprise. Sandra and Naomi were there, which was great. I was feeling really good for most of it. We were chatting and everything was great, just like old times. I ended up having 3 glasses of wine and 2 slices of pizza and some nibbles. Which wasn't as much as I'd expected myself to have, so that only made me feel better. It was the first time I'd had pizza for months and months, which was a big step, especially eating it and being in good company too.
By 7 o'clock I'd had 3 glasses of wine and I was feeling the effect it was having on me. Everything was getting too much. The people, noise, kids, alcohol, heat..everything. I thought if I were to have another glass of wine, it would make me feel better. But I suddenly had second thoughts. Usually it would keep me loose and make me be able to sit and chat and feel all light. But I couldn't stomach the 4th glass. I'd had enough and I knew if I'd have forced it down my throat, I'd only mess my head up and Sunday would end up being a bad day (which it wasn't because of this wise decision).
Usually when I've got the taste for alcohol, I wouldn't consider the next day and what I'd be feeling like. Especially not at a party and still letting myself have another glass of wine without feeling guilty and for that glass to still be within the limits of my party-food-plan. But my body had suddenly reached its limits. My throat felt closed-off and I suddenly realized that I didn't want or need alcohol. I knew I'd feel better if I stopped, so I did. I had enjoyed the 3 glasses but it was enough. Just like the pizza, I had enjoyed the 2 slices and that was enough too.
But for me to realize this, it took a time-out. It took the fresh air for me to be able to put everything into perspective. Before going outside, I could feel myself tearing up and getting frustrated because I couldn't physically drink anymore. So I wasn't going to force myself to stay inside and act as if I was feeling fine when really I wasn't. I went out into the garden for a short while and after repeating certain mantra's over and over again, made me feel sane and safe again. It helped me make peace with what the alcohol was doing to me and would continue to do to me if I hadn't have stopped drinking. If it hadn't been for the mantra's, I would have had to go to bed and everything would have gone "belly-up". Before the party started, I was planning on staying in Emma's house, so I could keep up with the "party-spirit".. but by 8 o'clock I had decided to go back to Orla's house. I'd had enough of drink and of people and of chatting. I wanted to go to bed and not have to speak to anybody anymore. So that's what I did. By 10 we were back in Orla's house and I was in bed by 11. Feeling good.
It was a really nice day and overall I didn't feel too overwhelmed by everything. Except for that short strange feeling, when I decided to stop drinking. As I'm writing this, it's almost like I've a drinking problem as well. But I don't, I've just always liked it so much and maybe secretly depended on it in the past to make certain situations more bearable and for me to have the best time ever. That doesn't mean I've a problem, because I know most people have done this a few times in their lives. But on Saturday the drink was purely for enjoyment and not to escape reality or disengage from what's going on in my life or around me. And that's why I might have surprised myself. I felt at ease, because without it, I would have enjoyed myself just as much. I wasn't having wine to make myself feel loser or better, but because I like the taste and because I wanted it. I stopped having the wine, because I didn't want to get drunk. I wasn't restricting myself and it had nothing to do with having too much calories (which would have been the reason for me not drinking too much, during the past 7 months). And I might have been tipsy, which would usually send me into a binge, but it didn't. Which is good sign that I can healthy control my eating when the barriers are down (which is exactly what alcohol can do) All these little things, all add up and make sense.
So a lot was learned on Saturday and all food, people, drink, chat, children, noise and of course "revealing myself", didn't blow me away like it would have done, even only 4 months ago. I did notice that some of Emma's mates who would normally chat to me about nothing in particular, didn't make an attempt to talk to me. But that's okay, I can understand they didn't feel comfortable asking me what I'm up to, because they obviously know what's been going on and maybe they didn't want tread on any toes or put me on the spot. I didn't take it personally. Other than that, it was so nice laughing and chatting, especially with Sandra and Naomi. It felt like it had been so long. The last time I seen them, I wasn't feeling too good. But on Saturday I was, and it showed.
Everything I did throughout the day, wasn't being seen as a "means to an end". Once I didn't look at things like that, there was no pressure, no stress and everything was approached in a whole different light than whenever I'd do the smallest little thing and see it as a means to an end. It's like being present at every moment and not worrying about how I will feel, act or experience people, food and the world in general, in 4 hours time. It's all about the here and now and that changes the way a day is experienced.. in a very strange kind of way.
I wasn't the last man standing on Saturday, which is something I would usually aim for, but now I didn't care. It didn't bother me in the slightest. I had agreed to meet up with Natasja, Wendy and Janneke the following afternoon and at the moment, it was more important to me, to be in good form for that, than to force myself to prove I can still be up for a good time. So it all turned out okay. I did the right things at the right time. And Sunday would also turn out to be okay..
P.S. Noami and Sandra: I was thinking about the whole "being-sick-from-a-pea-that-was-forced-down-my-throat-when-I-was-five" story, but I don't really have that much to say on the subject.haha..just that peas will never be my favorite piece of veg.. ;) Brocolli is the only way forward..
We got to Emma's at around 3 and it wasn't as busy as I thought would be, which was a nice surprise. Sandra and Naomi were there, which was great. I was feeling really good for most of it. We were chatting and everything was great, just like old times. I ended up having 3 glasses of wine and 2 slices of pizza and some nibbles. Which wasn't as much as I'd expected myself to have, so that only made me feel better. It was the first time I'd had pizza for months and months, which was a big step, especially eating it and being in good company too.
By 7 o'clock I'd had 3 glasses of wine and I was feeling the effect it was having on me. Everything was getting too much. The people, noise, kids, alcohol, heat..everything. I thought if I were to have another glass of wine, it would make me feel better. But I suddenly had second thoughts. Usually it would keep me loose and make me be able to sit and chat and feel all light. But I couldn't stomach the 4th glass. I'd had enough and I knew if I'd have forced it down my throat, I'd only mess my head up and Sunday would end up being a bad day (which it wasn't because of this wise decision).
Usually when I've got the taste for alcohol, I wouldn't consider the next day and what I'd be feeling like. Especially not at a party and still letting myself have another glass of wine without feeling guilty and for that glass to still be within the limits of my party-food-plan. But my body had suddenly reached its limits. My throat felt closed-off and I suddenly realized that I didn't want or need alcohol. I knew I'd feel better if I stopped, so I did. I had enjoyed the 3 glasses but it was enough. Just like the pizza, I had enjoyed the 2 slices and that was enough too.
But for me to realize this, it took a time-out. It took the fresh air for me to be able to put everything into perspective. Before going outside, I could feel myself tearing up and getting frustrated because I couldn't physically drink anymore. So I wasn't going to force myself to stay inside and act as if I was feeling fine when really I wasn't. I went out into the garden for a short while and after repeating certain mantra's over and over again, made me feel sane and safe again. It helped me make peace with what the alcohol was doing to me and would continue to do to me if I hadn't have stopped drinking. If it hadn't been for the mantra's, I would have had to go to bed and everything would have gone "belly-up". Before the party started, I was planning on staying in Emma's house, so I could keep up with the "party-spirit".. but by 8 o'clock I had decided to go back to Orla's house. I'd had enough of drink and of people and of chatting. I wanted to go to bed and not have to speak to anybody anymore. So that's what I did. By 10 we were back in Orla's house and I was in bed by 11. Feeling good.
It was a really nice day and overall I didn't feel too overwhelmed by everything. Except for that short strange feeling, when I decided to stop drinking. As I'm writing this, it's almost like I've a drinking problem as well. But I don't, I've just always liked it so much and maybe secretly depended on it in the past to make certain situations more bearable and for me to have the best time ever. That doesn't mean I've a problem, because I know most people have done this a few times in their lives. But on Saturday the drink was purely for enjoyment and not to escape reality or disengage from what's going on in my life or around me. And that's why I might have surprised myself. I felt at ease, because without it, I would have enjoyed myself just as much. I wasn't having wine to make myself feel loser or better, but because I like the taste and because I wanted it. I stopped having the wine, because I didn't want to get drunk. I wasn't restricting myself and it had nothing to do with having too much calories (which would have been the reason for me not drinking too much, during the past 7 months). And I might have been tipsy, which would usually send me into a binge, but it didn't. Which is good sign that I can healthy control my eating when the barriers are down (which is exactly what alcohol can do) All these little things, all add up and make sense.
So a lot was learned on Saturday and all food, people, drink, chat, children, noise and of course "revealing myself", didn't blow me away like it would have done, even only 4 months ago. I did notice that some of Emma's mates who would normally chat to me about nothing in particular, didn't make an attempt to talk to me. But that's okay, I can understand they didn't feel comfortable asking me what I'm up to, because they obviously know what's been going on and maybe they didn't want tread on any toes or put me on the spot. I didn't take it personally. Other than that, it was so nice laughing and chatting, especially with Sandra and Naomi. It felt like it had been so long. The last time I seen them, I wasn't feeling too good. But on Saturday I was, and it showed.
Everything I did throughout the day, wasn't being seen as a "means to an end". Once I didn't look at things like that, there was no pressure, no stress and everything was approached in a whole different light than whenever I'd do the smallest little thing and see it as a means to an end. It's like being present at every moment and not worrying about how I will feel, act or experience people, food and the world in general, in 4 hours time. It's all about the here and now and that changes the way a day is experienced.. in a very strange kind of way.
I wasn't the last man standing on Saturday, which is something I would usually aim for, but now I didn't care. It didn't bother me in the slightest. I had agreed to meet up with Natasja, Wendy and Janneke the following afternoon and at the moment, it was more important to me, to be in good form for that, than to force myself to prove I can still be up for a good time. So it all turned out okay. I did the right things at the right time. And Sunday would also turn out to be okay..
P.S. Noami and Sandra: I was thinking about the whole "being-sick-from-a-pea-that-was-forced-down-my-throat-when-I-was-five" story, but I don't really have that much to say on the subject.haha..just that peas will never be my favorite piece of veg.. ;) Brocolli is the only way forward..
Friday - Moving house
Friday morning was another early start as we were going up to Breda, to clear out my room and do "the big move". On Thursday I was so focussed on that day, that I kept on forgetting about the next. The biggest challenge of the weekend, and it kept on slipping my mind. I was just living for the moment and I reckon that helped me so much. Because when I woke up on Friday morning, there was no dreaded feeling in my gut or in my chest which I thought there would be. I wasn't too worried. The only thing that played on my mind, was the fact that I might bump into somebody from work. That was my main concern. But I didn't..so no worries on that front anymore.
It was a 1-hour drive to Breda and we went with 2 cars, Emma's and Orla's. When I look back on yesterday now, I can't believe the amount I said and did, in the space of day and still managed to feel fine. In the car, on the way up, me and Orla were talking. Properly talking, about things going on in both our lives and I was opening-up. It was a big thing for me to be doing, but I wanted to and it just came naturally. It's hard to understand what opening-up to someone close to you can feel like, when you haven't been able to do it for so long. It's the strangest feeling and I can't put it into exact words. But it's like exposing yourself, to someone who knows you so well, but from a different perspective than was once the case. Not only that, but it was also the timing. I was about to make a big step, by "closing one door", which would have normally (or months ago) sent me into automatic abondonment for this earth, but I actually wasn't. As it so happened, while I was in the the middle of taking this big leap by moving, I was also taking another leap, but slightly smaller by opening-up to Orla without judgement, guilt or fear.
I really never imagined the day to go so well. The worries that I had over the past few weeks, about whether or not leaving Holland was the right thing to do or not, were gone. Whenever the thoughts did come up, I'd hear them and realize within an instant why I was moving and why I needed to get through the day with as little drama as possible. It would have been so easy though, to get back in to my old life in Breda. Because when I walked in, it felt so familiar again. It was so great seeing Imke, my roommate and that's probably the main thing that made me leaving that house, a little harder. Going through my stuff and sorting everything out, was quite liberating. I don't have a lot of stuff and I threw some out too and it was good as well to see it all again, because it cleared my head. I could see all of my possessions in the whole world, or most of them, in one spot. I've always hated the fact that I can never properly remember what I have and where it all is. Some of my stuff is in Emma's, others in Ireland and now, after the move yesterday, most of my stuff is in the garage in Axel. So I feel like I have a grip on things again.
It all went pretty quickly. By 1 o'clock we were finished in Breda. I wasn't emotional throughout the packing because it wouldn't have made things easier and I wasn't going to make it into a big drama. It was only when it came to acutally leaving the house, that I felt sad. But that's inevitable I reckon. No matter where you've lived, for no matter what length of time, it's always strange knowing that you'll never live there again. And of course leaving Imke was such a pity. She was always so much fun to live with.
We moved all my boxes back to Axel, stored them in the garage and everything was sorted, all of a sudden. I didn't feel exhausted, bad or guilty. I didn't have any regrets. I felt like a weight had lifted. And I knew things would only get easier from here on in. To see all my stuff, in the one spot, and for it to take up such little space, was a nice feeling. And when I think back 14 months ago, when I was moving all my stuff from the in Axel up to Breda, I can feel such a difference. Storing everything back again yesterday, felt better than moving it all up in the first place. This felt right, whereas first time round, it didn't. So I know everything will work out as it should do.
I was thinking about what it would be like to be moving my stuff into a place of my own, and I just couldn't imagine that ever to feel right again. Not that I'm saying I'll never want my own place, of course I will, but not right now. Right now, having a home full of stuff just gives me this instant feeling of panic. Whereas having hardly any stuff, and for it to be stored away, for whatever length of time, feels so good. And all I want right now, is for it to be just me and my backpack again. All the things I need, will be on my back. I'll have access to everything and I won't have clutter to weigh me down. I'll have all the essentials and I'll feel lighter than I ever did. I cannot wait.
My next big step, will be letting work know that I'm not coming back. I'm going to do that next week. If I approach it the same way as I approached the move, then all will be okay. Making a change in life, can be the riskiest and sometimes the hardest thing to do, but without making a change and taking risks, I"ll never know what could have been. I'll never look back and I'll never regret taking this leap of fate. I'll have no doubts either and when I do, they'll only prove that the unknown is far more fulfilling and exciting than sticking to the mundane and planned lifestyle I could have chosen to lead.
So all in all, the day went well. I wasn't sad, I wasn't tired and I was still eating well. I haven't missed a meal of felt guilty for what I have been eating. I haven't been missing the drinks too much either. I had a better sleep last night, so that always helps. And again, I didn't lie awake worrying about today and the party and about seeing people I haven't seen for so long again.. Because none of that matters to me right now. I'm not thinking ahead and not about tomorrow. I haven't decided whether or not to I'll be meeting up with Natasja, Janneke and Wendy. I don't know how I"ll be feeling. But as the day goes on, I should know more. For now, all is okay..
It was a 1-hour drive to Breda and we went with 2 cars, Emma's and Orla's. When I look back on yesterday now, I can't believe the amount I said and did, in the space of day and still managed to feel fine. In the car, on the way up, me and Orla were talking. Properly talking, about things going on in both our lives and I was opening-up. It was a big thing for me to be doing, but I wanted to and it just came naturally. It's hard to understand what opening-up to someone close to you can feel like, when you haven't been able to do it for so long. It's the strangest feeling and I can't put it into exact words. But it's like exposing yourself, to someone who knows you so well, but from a different perspective than was once the case. Not only that, but it was also the timing. I was about to make a big step, by "closing one door", which would have normally (or months ago) sent me into automatic abondonment for this earth, but I actually wasn't. As it so happened, while I was in the the middle of taking this big leap by moving, I was also taking another leap, but slightly smaller by opening-up to Orla without judgement, guilt or fear.
I really never imagined the day to go so well. The worries that I had over the past few weeks, about whether or not leaving Holland was the right thing to do or not, were gone. Whenever the thoughts did come up, I'd hear them and realize within an instant why I was moving and why I needed to get through the day with as little drama as possible. It would have been so easy though, to get back in to my old life in Breda. Because when I walked in, it felt so familiar again. It was so great seeing Imke, my roommate and that's probably the main thing that made me leaving that house, a little harder. Going through my stuff and sorting everything out, was quite liberating. I don't have a lot of stuff and I threw some out too and it was good as well to see it all again, because it cleared my head. I could see all of my possessions in the whole world, or most of them, in one spot. I've always hated the fact that I can never properly remember what I have and where it all is. Some of my stuff is in Emma's, others in Ireland and now, after the move yesterday, most of my stuff is in the garage in Axel. So I feel like I have a grip on things again.
It all went pretty quickly. By 1 o'clock we were finished in Breda. I wasn't emotional throughout the packing because it wouldn't have made things easier and I wasn't going to make it into a big drama. It was only when it came to acutally leaving the house, that I felt sad. But that's inevitable I reckon. No matter where you've lived, for no matter what length of time, it's always strange knowing that you'll never live there again. And of course leaving Imke was such a pity. She was always so much fun to live with.
We moved all my boxes back to Axel, stored them in the garage and everything was sorted, all of a sudden. I didn't feel exhausted, bad or guilty. I didn't have any regrets. I felt like a weight had lifted. And I knew things would only get easier from here on in. To see all my stuff, in the one spot, and for it to take up such little space, was a nice feeling. And when I think back 14 months ago, when I was moving all my stuff from the in Axel up to Breda, I can feel such a difference. Storing everything back again yesterday, felt better than moving it all up in the first place. This felt right, whereas first time round, it didn't. So I know everything will work out as it should do.
I was thinking about what it would be like to be moving my stuff into a place of my own, and I just couldn't imagine that ever to feel right again. Not that I'm saying I'll never want my own place, of course I will, but not right now. Right now, having a home full of stuff just gives me this instant feeling of panic. Whereas having hardly any stuff, and for it to be stored away, for whatever length of time, feels so good. And all I want right now, is for it to be just me and my backpack again. All the things I need, will be on my back. I'll have access to everything and I won't have clutter to weigh me down. I'll have all the essentials and I'll feel lighter than I ever did. I cannot wait.
My next big step, will be letting work know that I'm not coming back. I'm going to do that next week. If I approach it the same way as I approached the move, then all will be okay. Making a change in life, can be the riskiest and sometimes the hardest thing to do, but without making a change and taking risks, I"ll never know what could have been. I'll never look back and I'll never regret taking this leap of fate. I'll have no doubts either and when I do, they'll only prove that the unknown is far more fulfilling and exciting than sticking to the mundane and planned lifestyle I could have chosen to lead.
So all in all, the day went well. I wasn't sad, I wasn't tired and I was still eating well. I haven't missed a meal of felt guilty for what I have been eating. I haven't been missing the drinks too much either. I had a better sleep last night, so that always helps. And again, I didn't lie awake worrying about today and the party and about seeing people I haven't seen for so long again.. Because none of that matters to me right now. I'm not thinking ahead and not about tomorrow. I haven't decided whether or not to I'll be meeting up with Natasja, Janneke and Wendy. I don't know how I"ll be feeling. But as the day goes on, I should know more. For now, all is okay..
Thursday - Ireland to Holland
It's Saturday morning and I've been in Holland now, 2 days, since Thursday morning. So far everything has been going pretty well. The journey over, was pretty good too. We left the house at around half 5 in the morning. I wasn't feeling anxious and I was exhausted even though I didn't really get that much sleep. So a good start. And I kept it up. Everything part of the journey, that cost me so much effort back in November when I came over, was now a whole lot easier. In some ways it was effortless. I enjoyed being in the airport again too. I've always had a thing with airports for some reason. They would always give me a buzz and the atmosphere would bring out the best in me. That feeling had gone for a while, but it was there again on Thursday morning. The flying was cool again and I didn't need to zone-out in order to get through the journey.
At the airport in Dublin, going through security they wouldn't let me take my supplements onboard. I didn't check in any bags, so the drinks were in my handluggage. So that was ínitially a slight worry. Because I haven't been without at least one supplement a day, since July. And it felt like I was suddenly going "cold turkey".. Giving-up something that I had clung onto for so many months, without warning and not by choice. Up until Thursday I had only been taking the one drink, each night. Somedays I would feel like I didn't need one, but I'd have it anyway because they have so much goodness in them, which can never go astray. And once they were taken off me, I thought.. right, this is it. It will be a challenge now, to see if I'm okay with eating without my food-plan AND feeling find with finding an extra source of nutrition for the next 5 days, without feeling guilty and dealing with the stress of everything else too. It's like a dubble-challenge. I didn't even consider getting the food that would be on the plan. Which would usually be the thing that I'd fall back on when there's too much other things going on around me for me to feel fine with eating. Because then I'd be expecting it to be and feel the same as it does back home, but it doesn't so that would only defeat the whole purpose of having a food-plan. That's what happened the last time I was here. So I thought it best to stay away from the plan and eat intuitively. That way there'll be no expectations so no let-downs eithers. Then on Thursday I realized that I wouldn't even have the supplements to fall back on, like I did 2 months ago when I was here, if I were to suddenly be overcome with feelings of Anna.
But I couldn't dwell on it and I wasn't going to worry. It would just be a little bit trickier. And so far the eating has been going pretty well, considering the stress of moving my stuff yesterday and seeing people I haven't seen since June (which I've started to call "the big reveal"). Thursday turned out to be a long day, but good too. I was eating and feeling fine. There was no paranoia and I didn't feel too much stress. Occasionally when I would start to feel the pressure in my chest, I'd have the mantra's that Diann suggested I practise, weeks ago. They really work by the way. Throughout the day, I didn't feel pressurized into doing anything and I didn't commit to anything either. I just went with the flow.
At times I felt like I was being blown away by myself. I wasn't forcing to be or do anything I didn't want to. But I was just so happy and excited by everything. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually be around people and feel happy in their company. I'd nearly forgotten the feeling of love whenever engaging with anybody. I'd forgotten what I was like when I'd get caught up in the moment and get excited by things around me. It had been so long that I started to doubt that I'd ever feel like that again. But it was all still in there. Which was shocking. O yeah, I even had some apple tart, for the first time in years. It was only small piece, but it was enough and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel paranoid or guilty and just ate it.
I'm staying in Orla's house for time I'm here. On Thursday it was Aiden's 2nd birthday, the party is today but on Thursday we went to see him in the evening. And it was so great. I've never been able to feel like that towards either Aiden or Enya, ever. It was so strange. It was like my eyes were suddenly being opened-up to what life can really be like, when someone is energized, happy and has a full belly. I felt like a new me. And it was great.
I knew Ma was keeping an eye on me. But the way things have been going and the way I've been feeling since I've gotten here, I really don't want or need her to be on the look out. I know I'm getting ahead of myself right now, but it's like I can be apart of the world now and I don't have to worry anymore. I know that life still excites me, probably only more so than it has ever done before. When I was getting through the day, it didn't once come to me, that I was trying to prove to everyone that I'm doing a whole lot better than I actually am. It didn't enter my mind. I know Ma was keeping an eye on me, to see how I'm coping. But that didn't have an effect on me the way it might have done months ago. Usually the "watching-eyes" would subconsciously force me to act in a certain way just to prove that I'm not well enough yet. I'm not ashamed anymore, that I'm doing either good or bad. I must say though that sometimes I do feel pressure from Ma taking-in my every step. It might only feel like that's what she's doing and I'm probably paranoid. So when that pressure comes up, I can quickly put it back in it's place again.
By 9 o'clock at night I was exhausted though. I went to bed, but I was over-tired and couldn't get to sleep. I lay awake for ages. I wasn't worrying or feeling bad or guilty or any of that. The day had just been so long and I couldn't remember the last time I'd done so much in one day and felt okay with it. The fact alone that I traveled and got myself to Holland, was an acomplishment in itself, but to stay feeling okay for the rest of the day as well, was a massive step. Well, in my eyes it was anyhow.
At the airport in Dublin, going through security they wouldn't let me take my supplements onboard. I didn't check in any bags, so the drinks were in my handluggage. So that was ínitially a slight worry. Because I haven't been without at least one supplement a day, since July. And it felt like I was suddenly going "cold turkey".. Giving-up something that I had clung onto for so many months, without warning and not by choice. Up until Thursday I had only been taking the one drink, each night. Somedays I would feel like I didn't need one, but I'd have it anyway because they have so much goodness in them, which can never go astray. And once they were taken off me, I thought.. right, this is it. It will be a challenge now, to see if I'm okay with eating without my food-plan AND feeling find with finding an extra source of nutrition for the next 5 days, without feeling guilty and dealing with the stress of everything else too. It's like a dubble-challenge. I didn't even consider getting the food that would be on the plan. Which would usually be the thing that I'd fall back on when there's too much other things going on around me for me to feel fine with eating. Because then I'd be expecting it to be and feel the same as it does back home, but it doesn't so that would only defeat the whole purpose of having a food-plan. That's what happened the last time I was here. So I thought it best to stay away from the plan and eat intuitively. That way there'll be no expectations so no let-downs eithers. Then on Thursday I realized that I wouldn't even have the supplements to fall back on, like I did 2 months ago when I was here, if I were to suddenly be overcome with feelings of Anna.
But I couldn't dwell on it and I wasn't going to worry. It would just be a little bit trickier. And so far the eating has been going pretty well, considering the stress of moving my stuff yesterday and seeing people I haven't seen since June (which I've started to call "the big reveal"). Thursday turned out to be a long day, but good too. I was eating and feeling fine. There was no paranoia and I didn't feel too much stress. Occasionally when I would start to feel the pressure in my chest, I'd have the mantra's that Diann suggested I practise, weeks ago. They really work by the way. Throughout the day, I didn't feel pressurized into doing anything and I didn't commit to anything either. I just went with the flow.
At times I felt like I was being blown away by myself. I wasn't forcing to be or do anything I didn't want to. But I was just so happy and excited by everything. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually be around people and feel happy in their company. I'd nearly forgotten the feeling of love whenever engaging with anybody. I'd forgotten what I was like when I'd get caught up in the moment and get excited by things around me. It had been so long that I started to doubt that I'd ever feel like that again. But it was all still in there. Which was shocking. O yeah, I even had some apple tart, for the first time in years. It was only small piece, but it was enough and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel paranoid or guilty and just ate it.
I'm staying in Orla's house for time I'm here. On Thursday it was Aiden's 2nd birthday, the party is today but on Thursday we went to see him in the evening. And it was so great. I've never been able to feel like that towards either Aiden or Enya, ever. It was so strange. It was like my eyes were suddenly being opened-up to what life can really be like, when someone is energized, happy and has a full belly. I felt like a new me. And it was great.
I knew Ma was keeping an eye on me. But the way things have been going and the way I've been feeling since I've gotten here, I really don't want or need her to be on the look out. I know I'm getting ahead of myself right now, but it's like I can be apart of the world now and I don't have to worry anymore. I know that life still excites me, probably only more so than it has ever done before. When I was getting through the day, it didn't once come to me, that I was trying to prove to everyone that I'm doing a whole lot better than I actually am. It didn't enter my mind. I know Ma was keeping an eye on me, to see how I'm coping. But that didn't have an effect on me the way it might have done months ago. Usually the "watching-eyes" would subconsciously force me to act in a certain way just to prove that I'm not well enough yet. I'm not ashamed anymore, that I'm doing either good or bad. I must say though that sometimes I do feel pressure from Ma taking-in my every step. It might only feel like that's what she's doing and I'm probably paranoid. So when that pressure comes up, I can quickly put it back in it's place again.
By 9 o'clock at night I was exhausted though. I went to bed, but I was over-tired and couldn't get to sleep. I lay awake for ages. I wasn't worrying or feeling bad or guilty or any of that. The day had just been so long and I couldn't remember the last time I'd done so much in one day and felt okay with it. The fact alone that I traveled and got myself to Holland, was an acomplishment in itself, but to stay feeling okay for the rest of the day as well, was a massive step. Well, in my eyes it was anyhow.
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