It's Thursday afternoon, and tomorrow we're heading to Holland. I'll be staying for a bit longer than a week, seeing as though it will be my last chance to spend some time with the kiddies, Emma and Orla and friends. I'm looking forward to it, much more so than the last time I went. Now I don't have any worries if things will or won't go well. I don't have to take each day as it comes, I can plan ahead and be certain that I'll feel great and be able to follow those plans through. It's such a relief to know that I can rely on myself to be me.. so there's not a bother in the world really.
I had acupuncture on Tuesday. It was the first time in 3 weeks. And I must say, by the middle of last week I was starting to miss it. At the weekend I was feeling a tightness all over so I figure it could have been because I had deliberately missed a few weeks of treatment. To get rid of the tightness, I did some yoga and I loosened up and it worked wonders. When I went to see him on Tuesday I wasn't yearning for the treatment but it was still very very welcome. We chatted for a while before getting the needles stuck in to me. I filled him in on my weeks and how great everything was going.
The only thing, was my appetite that has been a lot less the past weeks. I haven't let it stop me eat 3 meals a day though, even though half the time I sit down to a meal and don't feel hungry. I eat it anyhow and am not letting it influence my thoughts around food. I wasn't sure if I was overthinking things, by wondering if something was wrong because of not feeling that hungry (like I've said to Diann before, sometimes I could be looking for trouble where there isn't any..) But Mr. Acupuncturist reminded me that up until 3 or 4 weeks ago I was taking different herbal tablets, which were making my appetite bigger. And once I stopped taking them, that's also when my hunger went out the window. So my question was answered. He said to start taking those tablets again, just so my food intake will be slightly bigger throughout the course of the next 3 or 4 weeks.
Instantly I thought..no!! I don't want a bigger appetite. It scared me because I'd be eating more than I'm eating now. I didn't want to feel hungry and I could see myself getting huge. And did he really think that what he just told me, was something I wanted to hear? Was I supposed to be happy about that? I couldn't say any of this of course, I just sat and smiled and said that would be great. But I got so mad with myself and I really didn't want these annoying thoughts to pop into my head just for hearing the words: increased appetite. That's old stuff coming up and my reaction was just an old familiar one too. It took me all of 3 or 4 minutes to realize this. But I can no longer have that fear of getting fat, because I won't. And anyhow.. Aren't I supposed to be that person that really doesn't care anymore about weight? Aren't I that person who actually needs some extra meat on her bones? Aren't I that person who has made peace with feeling hungry and eating whenever I want and need? Aren't I that person who enjoys food so so much? Yes, yes, yes and yes, is the answer to all those questions.
So what did I do, or what do I do? Well, nothing really. I'm still fine and still feeling happy. A moment of such thoughts doesn't mean a thing, not until they are acted out and not until they effect my eating or my behaviour. Many people have thoughts, but that doesn't mean they act on them. They don't have to be all-consuming. I've been over this stuff so many times before and there's really nothing much I can do or say about it. I suppose I can just use it as proof that my way of thinking is still tempted to slip back into the old ways of processing information. At the end of the day it's up to me what I do with them. And I'll do nothing. I'll just let them be. I guess in a way I thought that things like that wouldn't come up so out of the blue, but they will, and Tuesday was proof of that.
Tuesday wasn't the only time I realized that. I've noticed it in other small little things aswell, since I've been interacting more and been back on my feet.. Things that I'd avoided for many months, just in case they would trigger anything. An example: looking at certain diets in magazines. Can I look at what a certain diet entails and still ignore the urge to start following that diet? Yes, I can. But I'm still soooooo drawn to them and that could be something that will always stay with me. Another example: reading what contents is in the things I eat (if I don't know it already). I can't seem to stop doing that. But if it doesn't effect me, then isn't that okay?? And when it comes to calories, only on the odd day I'd make an estimate as to how many calories I've eaten throughout the day. These are all little things though. Maybe they will always be there, maybe I'll only go through fases or maybe I'll slowly let go of them.. Who knows. As long as I know that they haven't got any control over me.
So back to Tuesday, I realized the thoughts and let them go. I had to tell myself that it would be nicer to sit down to a meal and be hungry, rather than sit down to a meal not feeling any hunger and feeling like I'm stuffing my face. A bigger appetite could mean more room for veggies or fish or something else that's real yummy. Whatever. Anyhow it doesn't really matter. Because either way, I've started taking the herbs again that will boost my appetite. We also spoke about how I should go about taking the herbs, when I get to Australia and also about maybe getting some treatment done when I'm over there, on the odd occasion if I ever feel like it. He's told me to take the herbs up until I leave, so another 4 weeks (!!!!). Then I have to stop for 2 months, then start for 3 weeks, then stop for 2 months and start again for 3 weeks. That way I'll be winding down, but not stopping the herbs in one go. He also said that if I do ever feel like I want to get some acupuncture done, there's nothing stopping me. (of course I knew this and didn't need him to tell me, but still). The opportunity is always there, if I ever feel the need.
After the treatment, which was so nice by the way.. He said that he's delighted that going for 3 weeks without treatment went so well, and he's not worried at all about me only having one more appointment before I leave. It will be on the 16th of april, a week before I the BIG DAY. It will be so strange, going to see him only one more time. But good as well of course. It's like with so many things that have kept me going while I was ill, whenever I go back to that environment or whatever it was (be it a book, a dvd, a song or a certain person), it makes me feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. It's almost like for a very short while I've stepped back in time, when there's no need for me to be there. Or maybe just the need so I can realize that I'm strong enough to be without that certain thing.. I've even felt like that with Diann aswell, before we started cutting back on the sessions. It's nothing personal towards any of these people. But it's just the change in me and the environment that has stayed the same, that's makes it so different. For now, all I want and need is to look forward and relish in the feeling I get whenever I feel alienated for being somewhere I don't feel I should be anymore, in terms of my recovery. It's like going to bed in the afternoon too.. That just feels so wrong and so strange and so unnecessary. I did it only for an hour on Tuesday, after acupuncture, because I was so tired, but I didn't like it one bit. I had gone back in time for a very short time.. and it didn't appeal to me at all. And that's all good!!
Time will start going real fast from now on.. I've only got 4 more weeks to go. I'm not counting down the days, I'm not wishing my time away either. It will come soon enough, with or without me longing to be in Oz. It's going to happen, so I don't need to panic about not being there and I don't need to be envious of others who are already there. Because my time is just around the corner! I'm not stressed about it at all either and everyone keeps on asking me, if I'm all set to go.. But I'm like..hummm I don't really think there's much I should be doing. But of course there is, so I made a list during the week, and that's all I've done. Other than that.. nothing strange whatsoever. I've been having better sleeps, because my head is being emptied. I've been calm. And I'm looking forward to tomorrow. My last trip to Holland.. hummm.. it will could be a different experience..
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Hidden depths
An unseen person amongst 1000 oceans, being so rough
Or an invisible soul protecting itself as times were always tough
Something is still in that someone, and has always been there
Even after cleansing the ocean and even though there's not a scare
At the bottom of that ocean, is where a certain truth lies
Never has it been approached as it has always shut its' eyes
A lying truth, either resting or waiting to be discovered
Will it be woken up and see that it's suddenly being mothered
Perhaps it was the time for the ocean to admit what was true
And now powerfully but purposely revealing that truth beneath the blue
This beautiful shade holds what is needed for the neglected truth
A truth being real and a neglected state of one precious youth
Never a secret to be withheld but a revelation from one to another
Such a special connection, as what lies is now even closer to a mother
An issue being avoided as the ocean had become so calm
One last thing, that won't pollute but will only be used as balm
To soothe any guilt that may reside within either soul
To aid any future pain as they both know the ocean is now whole
A truth that's not a secret, but still not wanting for it to shine through
Because not everything within an ocean is for everyone, except for you
As long as one person knows that it's not causing any grief
If anything, the spoken truth was, for us both, a big relief
There's nothing left unsaid, as the truth is resting again
After being acknowledged, it will never need to flow from my pen
It's now apart of the vibrancy holding to that life and to those tales
Of this one person who will never regret or resent those gales
Those apologies aren't required and that guilt is something to let go
And it's that background environment that made the ocean create a show
However without any drama, only honesty in order to touch and to heal
With a certainty that the seafloor is, just like its' depth, so so real
The colour that it now holds, with a strong current and some waves
It's brightness will remain as the truth will strengthen the caves
No avoidance of the truth but acceptance that neglect was maybe mine
No pain, no anger, as what lies beneath is what created this oceans design
Understanding and compassion is the only thing within sight
And what lies beneath will only help give rise to that forever soaring kite
From a distance it can be seen, as it's flying by the shores of my sea
Soon the calmness of the ocean will pursue the strength to set itself free
Or an invisible soul protecting itself as times were always tough
Something is still in that someone, and has always been there
Even after cleansing the ocean and even though there's not a scare
At the bottom of that ocean, is where a certain truth lies
Never has it been approached as it has always shut its' eyes
A lying truth, either resting or waiting to be discovered
Will it be woken up and see that it's suddenly being mothered
Perhaps it was the time for the ocean to admit what was true
And now powerfully but purposely revealing that truth beneath the blue
This beautiful shade holds what is needed for the neglected truth
A truth being real and a neglected state of one precious youth
Never a secret to be withheld but a revelation from one to another
Such a special connection, as what lies is now even closer to a mother
An issue being avoided as the ocean had become so calm
One last thing, that won't pollute but will only be used as balm
To soothe any guilt that may reside within either soul
To aid any future pain as they both know the ocean is now whole
A truth that's not a secret, but still not wanting for it to shine through
Because not everything within an ocean is for everyone, except for you
As long as one person knows that it's not causing any grief
If anything, the spoken truth was, for us both, a big relief
There's nothing left unsaid, as the truth is resting again
After being acknowledged, it will never need to flow from my pen
It's now apart of the vibrancy holding to that life and to those tales
Of this one person who will never regret or resent those gales
Those apologies aren't required and that guilt is something to let go
And it's that background environment that made the ocean create a show
However without any drama, only honesty in order to touch and to heal
With a certainty that the seafloor is, just like its' depth, so so real
The colour that it now holds, with a strong current and some waves
It's brightness will remain as the truth will strengthen the caves
No avoidance of the truth but acceptance that neglect was maybe mine
No pain, no anger, as what lies beneath is what created this oceans design
Understanding and compassion is the only thing within sight
And what lies beneath will only help give rise to that forever soaring kite
From a distance it can be seen, as it's flying by the shores of my sea
Soon the calmness of the ocean will pursue the strength to set itself free
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Plan-B concluded
A plan-B is wise I think and whether I use it or not, isn't the issue. Just knowing that it's there if and when I need it, is enough. What did Diann suggest? She said that I could either look into organizations over in Australia, dealing with eating disorders, just so I can have somewhere I can turn to. Like here in Ireland there's Bodywys. They have a website, with forums, contacts and group sessions. If I were to get muddled and felt I needed a few therapy sessions, Diann said that group sessions can really do the trick. But that doesn't appeal to me at all. Just the word "group" makes me panic. The thought of having a set-back and sitting in a room full of skinny girls, who would all be skinnier than me, would make me wanna be like them again. It's so competitive, that I couldn't see it being an option for me. Diann said that group-sessions are only as good as the therapist that runs them. But I wouldn't like to take the risk. Who knows though, I might change my mind in the future. But for now, it doesn't fit. If I look into what organizations they have over there and if I have something to fall back on, then I can use that if I feel the need to. I would probably only do that though when I really can't deal with it myself.
As for ringing home with news that I might not be feeling too good.. We've compromised saying that I'll only ring with that kind of news, if it gets to a certain point. When will that point be? I'll know when it gets too much and when I can't deal with things by myself anymore. It will be so vivid that I won't be able to ignore it. I can't doubt myself that I WON'T know if and when I need extra help. That will be the point when I let Ma know. This gives Ma reassurance that I'm not holding too much information from her and it will give me more space to breathe and to build the confidence I need, when I'm dealing with hard times. And of course, Diann is always only a phone call, an email or a text message away. She'll always be there for me, just like Siobhan and just like Ma. So not only do I have the tools within me to stay on top of things, but I also have them within my reach. A few words in text from Diann, can be enough for me to feel right again.
I must admit, I did feel bad for putting Ma through all this worry. For breaking free, before she was ready to let me go, even though I already am. But I simply shouldn't put myself through dealing with guilt for the issues other people have, even if they are brought on by me. It's like the whole "non-deserving" thing again. I'm not worthy enough for Ma of all people, to worry about me and be concerned for my health and well-being and I'd rather worry about her health than my own. I can't really think like that right now. I have to concentrate on myself, and keep on doing so. Because that way I'll be in-tune with what's going on "upstairs" and be more able to stay on top of things and I'll still feel as free and happy as can be, which in turn will also make Ma's days less troublesome. As I'm effected by my actions, Ma is also effected by the actions I inflict towards myself, be they good or bad.
To have a relapse, how common is that? I asked Diann, and she said there are different "levels" and it is common. She was saying that I could have a lapse, but that doesn't mean I'm having a Relapse. It doesn't mean I'm NOT recovered, it doesn't means I'm ill again, it doesn't mean I'm not a healthy person anymore. A lapse is a part of living life and can be triggered by certain things that happen from day to day.. such as: working with a girl who is skinnier than me, being rejected, dealing with grief, being homesick. So many different things can be triggers that can cause someone to lapse and a person can still be healthy and happy and free. It's only when lapses take hold, and lapse after lapse is ignored and fuelled at the same time by giving it strength by restricting. It's the bad-thoughts that can cause a lapse, but seeing those thoughts for exactly what they are, doesn't give it power and therefore it can't take a hold and it won't effect a persons' state of mind and state of being. It can come and go, and as head-wrecking as it can be, it will never be unbearable. Because unbearable is when it can't be dealt with, and everything can be dealt with even if it is by dipping into my past to see what "being in an unbearable state" really feels like. Really there can be many ways of dealing with a lapse and it's a natural part of living and it's temporary, if I let it be.
Nothing is certain in this life. Who knows, I might not even get to Australia. You never know what could come up. Or I could get there and decide that it was the wrong decision. So many things could happen and I'm open to them all. I'll embrace them with open arms. And a plan-B.. a great idea. Will I use it? Nobody knows. But as long as I, and the people who mean so much to me, know that it's there. With that plan I'll never let anything "eating disorder-related" swamp me like it once did. Everyone can be sure that I'm aware how precious life is and that I'd never jeopardise my life and my health, like I did in the past. Who I am convincing, I haven't a clue. But it doesn't matter anymore, because things are happening as they are supposed to be happening and I'm feeling fine with it.. ;)
As for ringing home with news that I might not be feeling too good.. We've compromised saying that I'll only ring with that kind of news, if it gets to a certain point. When will that point be? I'll know when it gets too much and when I can't deal with things by myself anymore. It will be so vivid that I won't be able to ignore it. I can't doubt myself that I WON'T know if and when I need extra help. That will be the point when I let Ma know. This gives Ma reassurance that I'm not holding too much information from her and it will give me more space to breathe and to build the confidence I need, when I'm dealing with hard times. And of course, Diann is always only a phone call, an email or a text message away. She'll always be there for me, just like Siobhan and just like Ma. So not only do I have the tools within me to stay on top of things, but I also have them within my reach. A few words in text from Diann, can be enough for me to feel right again.
I must admit, I did feel bad for putting Ma through all this worry. For breaking free, before she was ready to let me go, even though I already am. But I simply shouldn't put myself through dealing with guilt for the issues other people have, even if they are brought on by me. It's like the whole "non-deserving" thing again. I'm not worthy enough for Ma of all people, to worry about me and be concerned for my health and well-being and I'd rather worry about her health than my own. I can't really think like that right now. I have to concentrate on myself, and keep on doing so. Because that way I'll be in-tune with what's going on "upstairs" and be more able to stay on top of things and I'll still feel as free and happy as can be, which in turn will also make Ma's days less troublesome. As I'm effected by my actions, Ma is also effected by the actions I inflict towards myself, be they good or bad.
To have a relapse, how common is that? I asked Diann, and she said there are different "levels" and it is common. She was saying that I could have a lapse, but that doesn't mean I'm having a Relapse. It doesn't mean I'm NOT recovered, it doesn't means I'm ill again, it doesn't mean I'm not a healthy person anymore. A lapse is a part of living life and can be triggered by certain things that happen from day to day.. such as: working with a girl who is skinnier than me, being rejected, dealing with grief, being homesick. So many different things can be triggers that can cause someone to lapse and a person can still be healthy and happy and free. It's only when lapses take hold, and lapse after lapse is ignored and fuelled at the same time by giving it strength by restricting. It's the bad-thoughts that can cause a lapse, but seeing those thoughts for exactly what they are, doesn't give it power and therefore it can't take a hold and it won't effect a persons' state of mind and state of being. It can come and go, and as head-wrecking as it can be, it will never be unbearable. Because unbearable is when it can't be dealt with, and everything can be dealt with even if it is by dipping into my past to see what "being in an unbearable state" really feels like. Really there can be many ways of dealing with a lapse and it's a natural part of living and it's temporary, if I let it be.
Nothing is certain in this life. Who knows, I might not even get to Australia. You never know what could come up. Or I could get there and decide that it was the wrong decision. So many things could happen and I'm open to them all. I'll embrace them with open arms. And a plan-B.. a great idea. Will I use it? Nobody knows. But as long as I, and the people who mean so much to me, know that it's there. With that plan I'll never let anything "eating disorder-related" swamp me like it once did. Everyone can be sure that I'm aware how precious life is and that I'd never jeopardise my life and my health, like I did in the past. Who I am convincing, I haven't a clue. But it doesn't matter anymore, because things are happening as they are supposed to be happening and I'm feeling fine with it.. ;)
Plan-B
Last week Monday, while sitting with Diann we spoke about the thing that had been bothering me the most, throughout the 2 previous weeks. And, surprise surprise, that was the whole Australia thing and the fact that I felt like Ma wasn't supporting me. I got so emotional about it, because it just frustrated me so much. But it all needed to be said. At home we hadn't really spoken about whether Ma was coming to terms with my leaving or not, because we tried it once and it made me feel worse. So I deliberately decided to stay away from that subject for a while, and maybe only speak openly with Ma about, when we're with Diann.
Ma said that she's feeling a little better about it all, since reading up on my blog. She can see how much it means to me to do this and go ahead with my plans. Diann was actually quite shocked that I went and booked my flight even though I knew that Ma wasn't fully supportive of my decision. That probably did take some guts, not listening to the person who knows me the best and the person who means the most to me. I suppose it shows a bit of determination on my part and it's proof of just how much I want this. But the whole letting-go issue on Ma's behalf, is something I'll never fully understand until I one day perhaps become a mother myself. A mothers love can only be experienced once you have kids. Diann said the same. She could never see it either, when she was ill, why or how her mother would feel and act the way she did because she wasn't a mother then herself. It wasn't until she had kids, that everything she once questioned regarding her mothers' concern, was answered. She said that for any mother, nothing is ever too much. The guilt I was feeling because of what I've put Ma through and how hard this has all been on her, isn't something that to be rationalized. Because there's no need for it and mothers do what they have to do when it comes to their children. Or so I've been told.
Ma being so concerned is natural, and for her concern to make me doubt myself, probably is too. But for it to effect my decision, isn't natural, and it hasn't, so that all is good. But it didn't do me any good, and throughout the next few weeks and the build-up to my leaving, it won't help. Why should I suddenly doubt myself? There are moments when I think.. "Oh god, what am I doing, flying to Oz..?". But I can see where that's coming from. The only thing that I feel is justified concern for what could go wrong, is that Anna could creep up on me without me realizing it. That's the thing that worries me the most. It doesn't keep me awake at night though. But when Anna first made her appearance, I didn't see it. I was blinded by every other glorious feeling I felt, whilst traveling, that any bad feelings weren't dealt with and that's when she got her claws into me.
Diann was talking about me having a plan-B if things do start to get too difficult while I'm away. I know I'll need one because whatever happens, down the line, I can honestly say that I will have times when things get hard or when life suddenly starts throwing mayhem at me. It does that from time to time, to the best of us. I also had said before, and to a certain extent I'm still sticking to it, that if I do feel like I'm not doing too well and that Anna could be trying to get in, then I'm not going to be on the phone telling Ma how bad I'm feeling. Ma's first reaction wasn't great. But, take a proper look.. There are 2 scenarios, now which one would you rather? To be on the other side of the world and get a phone call from you daughter saying that she's having a hard time but that she's not coming home, which means that there's nothing you can do, just sit and worry and have sleepless nights thinking about what could be happening but having no control over it whatsoever.. OR would you rather be on the other side of the world, not hearing about a few days or weeks that got a little tricky or challenging when it came to dealing with food or life in general and take her word for it that only when things get too out of control, that she'll let you know? No matter how much love there is between a mother and daughter, I think the last scenario is the best one for both parties.
Ma had to agree with me, after really thinking about what would be best for her too. It's not only my life this effects, it would also effect her. I know I shouldn't be thinking about not wanting to put Ma through hard times, and Diann also has group-therapy sessions for parents once a month that Ma could possibly attend, if I'm dealing with things in Oz and she's feeling the strain of it here in Ireland. So any worries I have on that front, I really have to let go of. But even though it is my health, I will want to keep Ma reassured that things are well and deal with tricky times by myself and gain more strength and reassurance by doing so. That way in future situations I'll still be okay without having to call home at the drop of a hat.
Ma said that she's feeling a little better about it all, since reading up on my blog. She can see how much it means to me to do this and go ahead with my plans. Diann was actually quite shocked that I went and booked my flight even though I knew that Ma wasn't fully supportive of my decision. That probably did take some guts, not listening to the person who knows me the best and the person who means the most to me. I suppose it shows a bit of determination on my part and it's proof of just how much I want this. But the whole letting-go issue on Ma's behalf, is something I'll never fully understand until I one day perhaps become a mother myself. A mothers love can only be experienced once you have kids. Diann said the same. She could never see it either, when she was ill, why or how her mother would feel and act the way she did because she wasn't a mother then herself. It wasn't until she had kids, that everything she once questioned regarding her mothers' concern, was answered. She said that for any mother, nothing is ever too much. The guilt I was feeling because of what I've put Ma through and how hard this has all been on her, isn't something that to be rationalized. Because there's no need for it and mothers do what they have to do when it comes to their children. Or so I've been told.
Ma being so concerned is natural, and for her concern to make me doubt myself, probably is too. But for it to effect my decision, isn't natural, and it hasn't, so that all is good. But it didn't do me any good, and throughout the next few weeks and the build-up to my leaving, it won't help. Why should I suddenly doubt myself? There are moments when I think.. "Oh god, what am I doing, flying to Oz..?". But I can see where that's coming from. The only thing that I feel is justified concern for what could go wrong, is that Anna could creep up on me without me realizing it. That's the thing that worries me the most. It doesn't keep me awake at night though. But when Anna first made her appearance, I didn't see it. I was blinded by every other glorious feeling I felt, whilst traveling, that any bad feelings weren't dealt with and that's when she got her claws into me.
Diann was talking about me having a plan-B if things do start to get too difficult while I'm away. I know I'll need one because whatever happens, down the line, I can honestly say that I will have times when things get hard or when life suddenly starts throwing mayhem at me. It does that from time to time, to the best of us. I also had said before, and to a certain extent I'm still sticking to it, that if I do feel like I'm not doing too well and that Anna could be trying to get in, then I'm not going to be on the phone telling Ma how bad I'm feeling. Ma's first reaction wasn't great. But, take a proper look.. There are 2 scenarios, now which one would you rather? To be on the other side of the world and get a phone call from you daughter saying that she's having a hard time but that she's not coming home, which means that there's nothing you can do, just sit and worry and have sleepless nights thinking about what could be happening but having no control over it whatsoever.. OR would you rather be on the other side of the world, not hearing about a few days or weeks that got a little tricky or challenging when it came to dealing with food or life in general and take her word for it that only when things get too out of control, that she'll let you know? No matter how much love there is between a mother and daughter, I think the last scenario is the best one for both parties.
Ma had to agree with me, after really thinking about what would be best for her too. It's not only my life this effects, it would also effect her. I know I shouldn't be thinking about not wanting to put Ma through hard times, and Diann also has group-therapy sessions for parents once a month that Ma could possibly attend, if I'm dealing with things in Oz and she's feeling the strain of it here in Ireland. So any worries I have on that front, I really have to let go of. But even though it is my health, I will want to keep Ma reassured that things are well and deal with tricky times by myself and gain more strength and reassurance by doing so. That way in future situations I'll still be okay without having to call home at the drop of a hat.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Daytime thinking ruining my nighttime sleeping - 2
The awful sleeps and the hallucinations brings up the times I used to lie awake night after night for years, from the age of 16 or 17 because of hallucinating. At night I'd see visions of people in my room. It hasn't been bad for years now, but now and then it would start up again. The past few weeks I've had a few incidents. After last night, I'm starting to think (now there's a surprise!) that if an hallucination is a figment of the imagination then can I have maybe experienced the same last night, but just through a different sensory impression..which was through feeling? Could it be instead of imagining a sight or a sound, I was simply imagining a feeling? Maybe the cause of it is the same, but the "outcome" is different? Humm.. I don't know. All I know is that it might not have happened, had I have kept up with the writing. It was like everything from last week Monday was all starting to pour out of the top of my head, flowing out on to my pillow and that I was leaking words, which was awful. My head was being emptied beyond my control and I'd have nothing to show for it!! So in order to keep them all contained and to be sure they'd still be there, waiting for me to choose them the following morning, I had to put my thoughts in a cage. But there were too many. That could explain where all the nightmares and strange feelings from last night came from.
So this morning, up again relatively early and not too muddled but just happy to be finally be able to let all this spill from my finger tips. I still could do with a proper night sleep, to get over it all. Maybe that will be happening tonight. Who knows. But isn't it fascinating how daily life can effect a persons' sleep so much? Often being asleep and being awake are considered to be 2 separate things, which in a way they are, but not totally. Because the mind functions 24 hours a day. It never stops, it's just in a different "mode" or a different "gear" when you're asleep. Recognizing what happens in our sleep, can tell us so much about how our daily lives are going. An example. 2 weeks ago, as I was feeling on top of the world, my dreams were so great. I actually dreamt one night that I sitting with the cast of Friends (you know the sit-com), and I was actually sitting next to Ross (he's my favourite by the way..he's so goofy it's just so adorable and funny), and I was looking in on a scene he was acting out which I had written. The scene had actual jokes and they had never been seen before on telly (I've seen nearly all the episodes by this stage), but I was playing it out in my dream. And the best thing about it was that it was actually so funny..so much so, that I woke up laughing. I had this massive big smile on my face, by how Ross was acting and by what he was saying and also because I was able to dream such a thing and that it was able to put me in a great mood for the rest of my day!! I thought that was so strange. It just shows that feeling so lighthearted, makes our dreams feel the same.
It's been said to me before and these different dreams just confirm it: Dealing with everything as it comes up, from day to day, gives room for so much more in life. It doesn't matter what it is, how bad, sad, angry or hurtful the things could be.. as long as they are put "out there", then there's room "upstairs" for all the joys in life. And the most joyous thing of all, is laughter. It's therapeutic, it's energizing. It releases tension and it gives a sense of aliveness. So there's a lesson to be learned from analyzing things that we experience when our minds go into a lower gear. A lesson on how we are coping and how daily life is really effecting us. During the day the things around us keep us preoccupied and cause us to forget about what's really going on underneath it all. It's all a front, because it may seem like things are forgotten by nothing is really ever forgotten. It's always there, yearning to be realized, needing to be recognized, wanting to be seen for what it is. It's just our job to give it what it needs. There's nobody that can be more aware of the "goods" that have been stashed away. I just think it's amazing that there are mechanisms that we are subconsciously using in order for us to never loose sight of the things that are bothering us.
The human body is a miraculous thing. I can never say it enough. It continues to fascinate me. There's something else that I've said so many times before.. I'm just so grateful for mine to have never given up on me. No matter how badly I treated it, it stuck by me and knew exactly what to do to keep me here. It's a gift that I'll never ever take for granted, like I always used to. Whenever I would sit and watch survival programmes (something that I'm kind of obsessed with at the moment), I was once amazed that they were able to walk, climb, run, fall and to just be, without having to constantly rest or sit down or eat. I was not only astounded but also envious and never thought that my body would be able to get back into a similar shape again and to be to do things like that, without having to doubt or question my physical ability. Now I'm no longer amazed, but I'm driven, focused and I'm nearly there. For my mind setting to have changed, as I've become stronger, from feeling alien for being deprived of food, to feeling alone for being deprived of physical activity, to now feeling gratitude for being able to be active without any concerns, reminds me of just how appreciative I am for my physical body. I'll never give up on it again, just like it has never given up on me either. We are 2 as 1, supporting each other, giving life to each other. All we need to do, is keep the balance alive and everything else will naturally fall into place.
So this morning, up again relatively early and not too muddled but just happy to be finally be able to let all this spill from my finger tips. I still could do with a proper night sleep, to get over it all. Maybe that will be happening tonight. Who knows. But isn't it fascinating how daily life can effect a persons' sleep so much? Often being asleep and being awake are considered to be 2 separate things, which in a way they are, but not totally. Because the mind functions 24 hours a day. It never stops, it's just in a different "mode" or a different "gear" when you're asleep. Recognizing what happens in our sleep, can tell us so much about how our daily lives are going. An example. 2 weeks ago, as I was feeling on top of the world, my dreams were so great. I actually dreamt one night that I sitting with the cast of Friends (you know the sit-com), and I was actually sitting next to Ross (he's my favourite by the way..he's so goofy it's just so adorable and funny), and I was looking in on a scene he was acting out which I had written. The scene had actual jokes and they had never been seen before on telly (I've seen nearly all the episodes by this stage), but I was playing it out in my dream. And the best thing about it was that it was actually so funny..so much so, that I woke up laughing. I had this massive big smile on my face, by how Ross was acting and by what he was saying and also because I was able to dream such a thing and that it was able to put me in a great mood for the rest of my day!! I thought that was so strange. It just shows that feeling so lighthearted, makes our dreams feel the same.
It's been said to me before and these different dreams just confirm it: Dealing with everything as it comes up, from day to day, gives room for so much more in life. It doesn't matter what it is, how bad, sad, angry or hurtful the things could be.. as long as they are put "out there", then there's room "upstairs" for all the joys in life. And the most joyous thing of all, is laughter. It's therapeutic, it's energizing. It releases tension and it gives a sense of aliveness. So there's a lesson to be learned from analyzing things that we experience when our minds go into a lower gear. A lesson on how we are coping and how daily life is really effecting us. During the day the things around us keep us preoccupied and cause us to forget about what's really going on underneath it all. It's all a front, because it may seem like things are forgotten by nothing is really ever forgotten. It's always there, yearning to be realized, needing to be recognized, wanting to be seen for what it is. It's just our job to give it what it needs. There's nobody that can be more aware of the "goods" that have been stashed away. I just think it's amazing that there are mechanisms that we are subconsciously using in order for us to never loose sight of the things that are bothering us.
The human body is a miraculous thing. I can never say it enough. It continues to fascinate me. There's something else that I've said so many times before.. I'm just so grateful for mine to have never given up on me. No matter how badly I treated it, it stuck by me and knew exactly what to do to keep me here. It's a gift that I'll never ever take for granted, like I always used to. Whenever I would sit and watch survival programmes (something that I'm kind of obsessed with at the moment), I was once amazed that they were able to walk, climb, run, fall and to just be, without having to constantly rest or sit down or eat. I was not only astounded but also envious and never thought that my body would be able to get back into a similar shape again and to be to do things like that, without having to doubt or question my physical ability. Now I'm no longer amazed, but I'm driven, focused and I'm nearly there. For my mind setting to have changed, as I've become stronger, from feeling alien for being deprived of food, to feeling alone for being deprived of physical activity, to now feeling gratitude for being able to be active without any concerns, reminds me of just how appreciative I am for my physical body. I'll never give up on it again, just like it has never given up on me either. We are 2 as 1, supporting each other, giving life to each other. All we need to do, is keep the balance alive and everything else will naturally fall into place.
Daytime thinking ruining my nighttime sleeping - 1
Saturday afternoon. After saying goodbye to Lisa and after having had some delays at the airport, I got back to Dublin at around half 1. I wasn't too tired or hungover after the night before. I was doing good, considering I had a lot to drink 2 nights in a row, only 3 hours sleep on Friday night and also for having traveled. So I was pretty chuffed with everything. Ma collected me and we went to do some clothes shopping for a few hours. I didn't mind, but I wasn't ecstatic about it either. I mean, I was up at 6 that morning, my flight had been delayed.. and then to go clothes shopping. Humm.. Well anyhow, I didn't want to say no, because I secretly think (although me sticking it on my blog means it's no longer a secret) that Ma was testing me. I reckon it was to see if I was able to go away for a few days and be tired and still be able to pick myself up and get on with busying myself with a shopping centre. I could hear Ma's thoughts.. "If Niamh thinks she's able to fly to other end of the world, then this will be walk in the park for her". So I didn't want to give Ma any reason to think that I'm not able for Oz. So I just went with it and I was surprisingly fine!
We shopped for a few hours and then in the car on the way back, Ma confirmed my thinking by asking me: "Well, are you tired NOW then?"..(with the emphasis on NOW...) As if she was deliberately trying to wear me out and wanted to break me down. I said I wasn't too bad. It wasn't the last time she asked me if I was tired or if I was a sleep on the couch that night either.. It was like she was just waiting for me to collapse, so her worrying about me leaving for Oz, would be justified. I know this might sound real awful, me saying all this. But it's better out than in I reckon. I don't know how much of this I'm overthinking and maybe it was just me seeing in Ma what I was really seeing in myself. It was probably my interpretation and also how I was truly feeling about it all because I could have been the one pushing myself, when it wasn't really Ma at all. But just the way she was saying things, made me pick up the wrong signals. Maybe I was over tired and extra sensitive to what was her genuine concern for me. There's a lot of maybe's in there.. so I'll just leave it for now. Because it doesn't really bother me anymore now. It was just that day that it wrecked my head a little.
One thing I'm sure about though, is that anybody in their fullest of health would have been tired about having 3 days of action and party, little sleep (especially sharing a single bed), miles of walking around the city and hours of hanging around the airport and then shopping.. Or is it just me? I reckon it's enough to tire anybody (and in the excitement of being able to go about life without worries, does make me forget that I'm still getting back on my feet and that I'm not 100% there yet..but I'm not too far off..hihihi!!) So I didn't give-in or admit if I was tired and that was just because I knew Ma was watching me. So I sat up and watched a movie, but for hours my mind was playing tricks on me. It was like I was in a zone..constantly in and out of it. I didn't know whether I was dreaming half the time or whether I was really hearing people talking and saying certain things to me. I know now though that I was dreaming them because they were awful things that were being said.
I went to bed at around 11, and that's where the "zoning" continued. But in the form of nightmares for the first few hours. In every nightmare, I was dieing. In the first nightmare, the house was being struck by a tornado, and I was like Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz..wanting to go home.. But I was at home and my life was coming to an end. In the next one, my heart was racing so fast that my chest was going to explode, so I went to Eileen for help but she turned her back on me. The nightmare that followed that one, was where I had tetanus (not too sure if that's the right spelling or not..), which is a condition where you get a ringing in your head whilst finding yourself in certain situations that are uncomfortable, stressful or fearful even. The ringing was so bad that my head was going to explode and again, the end was very near. After those 3, I was beyond despair. I didn't know why I was dreaming these awful dreams. All I wanted was to go to sleep because I was just so so tired. I was nearly afraid to because of the nightmares. Finally I got to sleep and then I was dreaming that I was on hiking, fighting for my life, in the bush somewhere. But I survived. In the next dream I had to be a waitress for a night and I ran myself into the ground, but I also got through it without falling down in a heap. Again, I survived. So first of all nearly dieing, then surviving and being able to live.. very interesting..
I woke up on Sunday morning, delighted to have gotten through the night. I was rested, but not as much as I wanted to be. The dreams were playing on my mind and they freaked me out. All I wanted to do all day, was anything that would have relaxed me. Because that's all I needed. I could literally feel my body crying out for some extra breath. My body felt so tight as if it was wrapped tightly and being held together by a rope, so much so that I was bearly able to move. But sitting down or staying in bed all day, wouldn't have given me what I felt I needed. So I did an hour and a half of meditation and yoga. And afterwards I felt new again. It was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel the need for fresh air or to walk, but I did go out to the country in the afternoon with Ma. Then all I needed was to write. There was just so much. But my head wasn't up for it yesterday. So I let it be and told myself that tomorrow (so that's today) it will still all be in there.
Trying to go to sleep again last night was proof enough that it was all bottled up inside still. Because again, the strangest things were happening to me. There weren't any nightmares. But I felt like I was half asleep and zoning in and out of whatever daze I was in. I went from feeling paralyzed to feeling like I was being electrocuted. It was so scary because I felt as though I was awake and as if it was really happening. Before feeling paralyzed, I felt buzzing in every fibre of my body and then I was wrapped in string again and I couldn't scream. There was no sound, just me gasping for air. I wanted to scream because I was so scared and needed to wake Sean up, who was in the next room. That's how awake I felt. Then the burst of electricity that was being sent through me was just terrifying. But for some reason I was alert enough to be able to convince myself that this wasn't real and that I could make it go away by telling myself that I'm imagining it. So I did and that's when I turned on my light, and fell asleep in a bright room which kept the hallucinations at bay. Again I was delighted for morning to finally come..
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We shopped for a few hours and then in the car on the way back, Ma confirmed my thinking by asking me: "Well, are you tired NOW then?"..(with the emphasis on NOW...) As if she was deliberately trying to wear me out and wanted to break me down. I said I wasn't too bad. It wasn't the last time she asked me if I was tired or if I was a sleep on the couch that night either.. It was like she was just waiting for me to collapse, so her worrying about me leaving for Oz, would be justified. I know this might sound real awful, me saying all this. But it's better out than in I reckon. I don't know how much of this I'm overthinking and maybe it was just me seeing in Ma what I was really seeing in myself. It was probably my interpretation and also how I was truly feeling about it all because I could have been the one pushing myself, when it wasn't really Ma at all. But just the way she was saying things, made me pick up the wrong signals. Maybe I was over tired and extra sensitive to what was her genuine concern for me. There's a lot of maybe's in there.. so I'll just leave it for now. Because it doesn't really bother me anymore now. It was just that day that it wrecked my head a little.
One thing I'm sure about though, is that anybody in their fullest of health would have been tired about having 3 days of action and party, little sleep (especially sharing a single bed), miles of walking around the city and hours of hanging around the airport and then shopping.. Or is it just me? I reckon it's enough to tire anybody (and in the excitement of being able to go about life without worries, does make me forget that I'm still getting back on my feet and that I'm not 100% there yet..but I'm not too far off..hihihi!!) So I didn't give-in or admit if I was tired and that was just because I knew Ma was watching me. So I sat up and watched a movie, but for hours my mind was playing tricks on me. It was like I was in a zone..constantly in and out of it. I didn't know whether I was dreaming half the time or whether I was really hearing people talking and saying certain things to me. I know now though that I was dreaming them because they were awful things that were being said.
I went to bed at around 11, and that's where the "zoning" continued. But in the form of nightmares for the first few hours. In every nightmare, I was dieing. In the first nightmare, the house was being struck by a tornado, and I was like Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz..wanting to go home.. But I was at home and my life was coming to an end. In the next one, my heart was racing so fast that my chest was going to explode, so I went to Eileen for help but she turned her back on me. The nightmare that followed that one, was where I had tetanus (not too sure if that's the right spelling or not..), which is a condition where you get a ringing in your head whilst finding yourself in certain situations that are uncomfortable, stressful or fearful even. The ringing was so bad that my head was going to explode and again, the end was very near. After those 3, I was beyond despair. I didn't know why I was dreaming these awful dreams. All I wanted was to go to sleep because I was just so so tired. I was nearly afraid to because of the nightmares. Finally I got to sleep and then I was dreaming that I was on hiking, fighting for my life, in the bush somewhere. But I survived. In the next dream I had to be a waitress for a night and I ran myself into the ground, but I also got through it without falling down in a heap. Again, I survived. So first of all nearly dieing, then surviving and being able to live.. very interesting..
I woke up on Sunday morning, delighted to have gotten through the night. I was rested, but not as much as I wanted to be. The dreams were playing on my mind and they freaked me out. All I wanted to do all day, was anything that would have relaxed me. Because that's all I needed. I could literally feel my body crying out for some extra breath. My body felt so tight as if it was wrapped tightly and being held together by a rope, so much so that I was bearly able to move. But sitting down or staying in bed all day, wouldn't have given me what I felt I needed. So I did an hour and a half of meditation and yoga. And afterwards I felt new again. It was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel the need for fresh air or to walk, but I did go out to the country in the afternoon with Ma. Then all I needed was to write. There was just so much. But my head wasn't up for it yesterday. So I let it be and told myself that tomorrow (so that's today) it will still all be in there.
Trying to go to sleep again last night was proof enough that it was all bottled up inside still. Because again, the strangest things were happening to me. There weren't any nightmares. But I felt like I was half asleep and zoning in and out of whatever daze I was in. I went from feeling paralyzed to feeling like I was being electrocuted. It was so scary because I felt as though I was awake and as if it was really happening. Before feeling paralyzed, I felt buzzing in every fibre of my body and then I was wrapped in string again and I couldn't scream. There was no sound, just me gasping for air. I wanted to scream because I was so scared and needed to wake Sean up, who was in the next room. That's how awake I felt. Then the burst of electricity that was being sent through me was just terrifying. But for some reason I was alert enough to be able to convince myself that this wasn't real and that I could make it go away by telling myself that I'm imagining it. So I did and that's when I turned on my light, and fell asleep in a bright room which kept the hallucinations at bay. Again I was delighted for morning to finally come..
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Storing and stashing
A question that has arisen, regarding a minor tear, a minor ache and a minor statement saying that "sitting with a feeling is making it worse and thinking about it only fuels it" The question being: Are you looking for trouble when you're being too aware of what your body is telling you? Are you bringing on the physical pain or anxiety or fear or whatever other emotion, by thinking about it too much? Are you asking your body to tell you that something is wrong, before there's anything to worry about? Or are you asking your body what it is trying to tell you as something is already taking place? Which one happens first; the questioning of the emotion or the answering of this not-yet-to-be-felt-emotion by the physical reaction? If you were to say that you are feeling stressed, which is the answer, before you've even established that there is a certain physical pain that comes along with that mental state of being, are you then looking for a problem when really there isn't one? No, because feeling stressed, or any other feeling for that matter, is something that you recognize. The more you've felt it, the more you know what it feels like. It's when the feeling becomes physical that you become more aware of it.
But are you creating a problem by telling yourself that stress or fear for example, brings on a certain uncomfortable feeling that manifests itself in the body? Are you waiting to feel that feeling, before it's felt or are you truly feeling it only when it comes up? Is this making any sense? Hummm. Not too sure.. Backtracking now: To sit with a physical feeling that is brought on by a mental state of mind and to let yourself feel it and to be aware of it: is that making it worse? Is that making the problem bigger than it really is? The answer to that isn't a straight forward one I reckon as every person is different.
In my case, if I take Tuesday night as an example... I wasn't looking to feel the way I did. It just came over me and if I would have had the choice, I wouldn't have wanted to feel so low, especially just before embarking on such an exciting trip. But non the less, I did. It came over me and the feeling was there, stuck in my heart again, bringing me down. If I'd have ignored, I don't know how I'd have felt the next day. It could have made the trip so much more difficult. I could have decided not to go. I could have been distraught. Or I could have been happy with just storing it away. But ignoring something is choosing to stash it away. It's choosing to not face up to something that is clearly causing a problem. Dealing with it, when it comes up, no matter where I am or how big a failure I feel, I am wanting to solve the problem. It's wanting to not make it worse, but to make it better instead. So looking to cure a certain unsteady feeling, isn't making something into something it's not.
Is it all in my head? In my case, I can honestly say that it's not. Because each and everyday, when I take a few minutes or half an hour to just be and to reflect and to ask myself what it is I really want from my life today; the answer that comes to me the most is that I want my health and physical strength. And these 2 aspects can only be properly achieved if certain feelings that are brought up and caused by going through certain circumstances and situations are dealt with and NOT stored away. By storing and stashing, life gets clouded again. A head can become muddled and foggy. I can safely say that mine doesn't want to feel like that anymore..
Okay, so it's not all in my head. I don't want it to be in my tissues either. Well, maybe in my kleenex or tempo-tissue, but not in my tissues that make my body what it is. That's where I don't want my issues to be. My issues are better to be cried about and out in the open with some fresh air, than to be stored away weighing heavy on my heart - if they were to weigh heavy on the weighing-scales that would probably be a small comfort ;)
But are you creating a problem by telling yourself that stress or fear for example, brings on a certain uncomfortable feeling that manifests itself in the body? Are you waiting to feel that feeling, before it's felt or are you truly feeling it only when it comes up? Is this making any sense? Hummm. Not too sure.. Backtracking now: To sit with a physical feeling that is brought on by a mental state of mind and to let yourself feel it and to be aware of it: is that making it worse? Is that making the problem bigger than it really is? The answer to that isn't a straight forward one I reckon as every person is different.
In my case, if I take Tuesday night as an example... I wasn't looking to feel the way I did. It just came over me and if I would have had the choice, I wouldn't have wanted to feel so low, especially just before embarking on such an exciting trip. But non the less, I did. It came over me and the feeling was there, stuck in my heart again, bringing me down. If I'd have ignored, I don't know how I'd have felt the next day. It could have made the trip so much more difficult. I could have decided not to go. I could have been distraught. Or I could have been happy with just storing it away. But ignoring something is choosing to stash it away. It's choosing to not face up to something that is clearly causing a problem. Dealing with it, when it comes up, no matter where I am or how big a failure I feel, I am wanting to solve the problem. It's wanting to not make it worse, but to make it better instead. So looking to cure a certain unsteady feeling, isn't making something into something it's not.
Is it all in my head? In my case, I can honestly say that it's not. Because each and everyday, when I take a few minutes or half an hour to just be and to reflect and to ask myself what it is I really want from my life today; the answer that comes to me the most is that I want my health and physical strength. And these 2 aspects can only be properly achieved if certain feelings that are brought up and caused by going through certain circumstances and situations are dealt with and NOT stored away. By storing and stashing, life gets clouded again. A head can become muddled and foggy. I can safely say that mine doesn't want to feel like that anymore..
Okay, so it's not all in my head. I don't want it to be in my tissues either. Well, maybe in my kleenex or tempo-tissue, but not in my tissues that make my body what it is. That's where I don't want my issues to be. My issues are better to be cried about and out in the open with some fresh air, than to be stored away weighing heavy on my heart - if they were to weigh heavy on the weighing-scales that would probably be a small comfort ;)
Little Lisa
The thing that helped so much and made my brief stay in Leeds so great, was the fact that I was able to talk to Lisa, openly about the eating disorder. I didn't want to focus on it too much, or talk about it if she didn't want to. But it was a subject that she wasn't afraid to address. She wanted to know and she made me feel at ease by being so understanding. She has a friend who was struggling with anorexia for years, so she therefore knows a lot of the issues that come with it. That made me feel comfortable, but I knew that's how she would be so maybe that's why I wasn't nervous about seeing her. She's such an amazing girl. She's only 22, but she's so mature and knows so much. I've met so many special people as I've traveled, but Lisa is one of the few that sits high on a perch..with 3 or 4 others. We are so very different, but on the other hand we're so alike. When I started feeling strong enough to travel again and felt so much love for everyone I know, she was the one I needed to share some of it with. Just because we seem to get so much from each other. I knew that being around her would make me feel alive again, which it did. And she said the same about me.. She could see, once we ran towards each other at the bus station and hugged and hugged each other, just how full of life I am again. And that was the thing she always remembered and admired the most about me. When I told her that I was coming to see her weeks ago, she wasn't too sure what to expect but she could tell that I was getting back to myself again.
It's hard to explain why she brings up so much goodness in me. It's almost like we feed of each other. It's like with any friendship.. Having a connection with somebody, from whom you can learn, not only about the other person but also about yourself, is so unique. It's also because being around someone who makes you feel special as a person and also by being in a certain way whilst being in that someones company and making them see that they are special too. The best thing of all, there's no effort involved and it's all natural. Nothing is ever too much but still being touched by the tiniest little thing that is said or by the simplest little gesture that is made. I can't really put into words, exactly what it is. But she's such a special person. A dear dear friend. Just knowing that she's out there and that I will always have her as a close friend, no matter how many miles are between us, is a thing that I cherish. I'm so grateful for having met her in Darwin. I'm so grateful that we worked together and I'm so grateful that I was strong enough to go over and see her and have an amazing time and appreciate it all so much.
Amazing? Yes, it was. We hung out with some of her mates, who were a bunch of guys from every country, except England and we were chatting about on Friday night about my stay and how I'd enjoyed myself. And I said it was amazing.. They said..Amazing?? Wasn't it just fun? Why was it more than fun alone, what made it amazing? Leeds is just a city like any other, right? And hadn't the 3 days just been a few days in the life of a student.. nothing more.. right? Wrong! It was so much more than that. They were amazing because of the goodness I got from being in a city, from being around Lisa, from being around youngsters again, from being strong enough to walk and talk and dance and sing and laugh.. They were amazing because I got to rekindle some of spirit I'd left behind in Australia a year and half ago. And they were amazing because of the relief they gave me. I felt safe just for being me. I felt unique just for being me. I felt energy just for being me. Therefore it didn't matter where I was. And what more could anybody want from life? I couldn't have asked for anything more than that. It means that no matter where I go, I'll always have me therefore I'll be safe, unique and energized. I'll be taking me, myself and I with me wherever I go and I'll have myself in whatever I do. So I'm never alone and I'm always aware of what I can do and what I have to offer.
So our paths briefly crossed and we now find ourselves on our own home-turf again. When I look back now, it feels like a dream. It was all so hectic and pretty intense. Especially considering how I felt on Tuesday night. I'm so glad now that I felt slightly overwhelmed and upset the night before I left. Because it shows me that feeling down for a short while, doesn't mean it's the end of the world and it doesn't mean I have to let it effect my daily life. My emotions don't have to be the boss of me because I can control them by just letting them be and by taking responsibility. That's what I did on Tuesday night. It doesn't mean that I'm not well anymore. It doesn't mean that I'm not wanting to eat. It simply is a warning sign to look out for myself and to see that something is about to happen that usually would have effected my eating or my head or my true self. It's a sign that if I'm not aware, then things could get difficult. I'm always trying to be aware and therefore I can feel what's happening. Looking out for what it is that could end-up causing me some turmoil is a good thing. And Tuesday nights' little up-set was also a good thing.
So as far as Lisa is concerned, one amazing girl! I don't know when we'll be seeing each other again. I haven't a clue. We said that we'd be meeting in New Zealand, in 2 years' time. But we also said when we were in Darwin that we'd be meeting in Amsterdam, last April (which never happened..). So it's hard to say. But she'll always be such a special friend, so close to my heart, no matter how far we are apart. It might sound as if I'm talking about the love of my life here, but she's just a great friend. I'm also convinced that the same feelings are there, when it comes to any friendship you have, but most of the time people don't really see just how special that friend is. It's lost in the mist and fog..but it's only when the sunshine comes in that the joy of having such a close friend finally fills our hearts.
It's hard to explain why she brings up so much goodness in me. It's almost like we feed of each other. It's like with any friendship.. Having a connection with somebody, from whom you can learn, not only about the other person but also about yourself, is so unique. It's also because being around someone who makes you feel special as a person and also by being in a certain way whilst being in that someones company and making them see that they are special too. The best thing of all, there's no effort involved and it's all natural. Nothing is ever too much but still being touched by the tiniest little thing that is said or by the simplest little gesture that is made. I can't really put into words, exactly what it is. But she's such a special person. A dear dear friend. Just knowing that she's out there and that I will always have her as a close friend, no matter how many miles are between us, is a thing that I cherish. I'm so grateful for having met her in Darwin. I'm so grateful that we worked together and I'm so grateful that I was strong enough to go over and see her and have an amazing time and appreciate it all so much.
Amazing? Yes, it was. We hung out with some of her mates, who were a bunch of guys from every country, except England and we were chatting about on Friday night about my stay and how I'd enjoyed myself. And I said it was amazing.. They said..Amazing?? Wasn't it just fun? Why was it more than fun alone, what made it amazing? Leeds is just a city like any other, right? And hadn't the 3 days just been a few days in the life of a student.. nothing more.. right? Wrong! It was so much more than that. They were amazing because of the goodness I got from being in a city, from being around Lisa, from being around youngsters again, from being strong enough to walk and talk and dance and sing and laugh.. They were amazing because I got to rekindle some of spirit I'd left behind in Australia a year and half ago. And they were amazing because of the relief they gave me. I felt safe just for being me. I felt unique just for being me. I felt energy just for being me. Therefore it didn't matter where I was. And what more could anybody want from life? I couldn't have asked for anything more than that. It means that no matter where I go, I'll always have me therefore I'll be safe, unique and energized. I'll be taking me, myself and I with me wherever I go and I'll have myself in whatever I do. So I'm never alone and I'm always aware of what I can do and what I have to offer.
So our paths briefly crossed and we now find ourselves on our own home-turf again. When I look back now, it feels like a dream. It was all so hectic and pretty intense. Especially considering how I felt on Tuesday night. I'm so glad now that I felt slightly overwhelmed and upset the night before I left. Because it shows me that feeling down for a short while, doesn't mean it's the end of the world and it doesn't mean I have to let it effect my daily life. My emotions don't have to be the boss of me because I can control them by just letting them be and by taking responsibility. That's what I did on Tuesday night. It doesn't mean that I'm not well anymore. It doesn't mean that I'm not wanting to eat. It simply is a warning sign to look out for myself and to see that something is about to happen that usually would have effected my eating or my head or my true self. It's a sign that if I'm not aware, then things could get difficult. I'm always trying to be aware and therefore I can feel what's happening. Looking out for what it is that could end-up causing me some turmoil is a good thing. And Tuesday nights' little up-set was also a good thing.
So as far as Lisa is concerned, one amazing girl! I don't know when we'll be seeing each other again. I haven't a clue. We said that we'd be meeting in New Zealand, in 2 years' time. But we also said when we were in Darwin that we'd be meeting in Amsterdam, last April (which never happened..). So it's hard to say. But she'll always be such a special friend, so close to my heart, no matter how far we are apart. It might sound as if I'm talking about the love of my life here, but she's just a great friend. I'm also convinced that the same feelings are there, when it comes to any friendship you have, but most of the time people don't really see just how special that friend is. It's lost in the mist and fog..but it's only when the sunshine comes in that the joy of having such a close friend finally fills our hearts.
Big city life
Being in Leeds, I had the most fun I've had in such a long time. Lisa lives on the university campus, which is within walking distance from the city centre. Not only seeing Lisa, but also being in a city again was the best ever. My god, I'd missed that soooo much!! The thrill, the buzz, the people, the bustle, the hustle, the life.. Everything was thriving and everything was buzzing. And I was able to be a part of it.. finally!! I've always loved cities, but for so long they would scare me. I'd imagine myself to be so overwhelmed that I'd need to curl up in a corner and wish for the people to instantly disappear leaving me to be all alone. I never thought I'd be able to feel that feeling that I get whenever I'm in a city. But I felt it for the first time on Wednesday afternoon and who better a person to experience it with, than Lisa.
The whole set-up that I found myself surrounded by, throughout my stay, which lasted until Saturday morning, was crazy. I'd never ever have been able to deal with it, 6 weeks ago. Lisa lives on campus, in a small dorm room. She shares the bathroom with 10 or 12 other students. Her meals are provided for in the canteen, all the time. So there's no chance to cook, there's no peace and there's no space. Her whole life revolves around students, study and university. I know that's normal when you're a student living on campus. When I was at college, I went home on the weekends. That was an escape-route, to be able to breathe now and then and that makes you appreciate both home-life and student-life. But for Lisa, it's all student-life. Sometimes it can get too much for her and for me, it would have normally been far far too much. The fact that she has only got a single bed, which we had to share, usually wouldn't have made me even more out-of-place. But not anymore. Nothing phased me, nothing was a problem and nothing felt like it was too much. I didn't worry about eating in the canteen..even though I hadn't a clue how the food was prepared. I didn't restrict in order for me to able to deal with the whole set-up. I didn't count calories, I didn't feel uncomfortable eating around strangers. I didn't have a party-food-plan.. I wasn't exhausted, I wasn't anxious. I was nothing of the kind. I was just ready and willing for everything and so so excited!
The 3 days were action packed. We hung out with her college mates. We went to maybe a thousand different cafes in the city and had around 100 cups of tea. I even went to a lecture with her, on Thursday afternoon. That was so cool. Not that it was interesting or anything, but it was just great to be in college again. (I've always said I'd love to go back to college for a year or two..). I went to the library afterwards, when Lisa was doing some homework. I just wanted to be around books. So I went to the Spanish section, picked up a book that was written in 1842 by a woman who was moving to Mexico. It wasn't interesting at all, but just the format of the book itself and the fact that had been done with a typewriter was soo cool. So I sat there for a while, just by myself being happy with this Spanish book.. What an insane person I am. After that we went shopping, I had a power nap and then we went clubbing on Thursday night with a group of her mates and it was all well and wonderful. I got a little tipsy but it didn't effect me the next morning. There was no guilt, no restricting, just excitement. I had a hard time keeping up with her eating though.. Lisa has 4 proper meals a day.. I was like.. "Sorry, but I simply cannot eat as much as you!!" But that wasn't for restricting. That was simply because I cannot fit in 4 meals a day (including snacks!!).
Anyhow, It was her birthday on Friday and it was the best day ever. All we did was stroll around the city, going from one cafe to the next, as I hopped, skipped and jumped through the city. The weather was glorious too, like proper Spring.. We went out again in the evening to the pub. We weren't really planning on going out for long, but it was just so much fun. All we did was chat, with a small group of us. And me and Lisa just didn't want the night to end..because we'd have to say goodbye early the following morning. It was one of those night when all you want to do, is for the clock to stop ticking.. But of course time stops for no-one.. So the night did draw to an end and before we knew what was happening we were sitting in the taxi at 7 o'clock on Saturday morning as she was being dropped off at the train station and I was being dropped off at the bus station.. From which her journey back to Berlin for the Easter holidays began and from which my journey back to Arklow began. What a crazy few days, that I wouldn't have wanted to miss for anything!
The whole set-up that I found myself surrounded by, throughout my stay, which lasted until Saturday morning, was crazy. I'd never ever have been able to deal with it, 6 weeks ago. Lisa lives on campus, in a small dorm room. She shares the bathroom with 10 or 12 other students. Her meals are provided for in the canteen, all the time. So there's no chance to cook, there's no peace and there's no space. Her whole life revolves around students, study and university. I know that's normal when you're a student living on campus. When I was at college, I went home on the weekends. That was an escape-route, to be able to breathe now and then and that makes you appreciate both home-life and student-life. But for Lisa, it's all student-life. Sometimes it can get too much for her and for me, it would have normally been far far too much. The fact that she has only got a single bed, which we had to share, usually wouldn't have made me even more out-of-place. But not anymore. Nothing phased me, nothing was a problem and nothing felt like it was too much. I didn't worry about eating in the canteen..even though I hadn't a clue how the food was prepared. I didn't restrict in order for me to able to deal with the whole set-up. I didn't count calories, I didn't feel uncomfortable eating around strangers. I didn't have a party-food-plan.. I wasn't exhausted, I wasn't anxious. I was nothing of the kind. I was just ready and willing for everything and so so excited!
The 3 days were action packed. We hung out with her college mates. We went to maybe a thousand different cafes in the city and had around 100 cups of tea. I even went to a lecture with her, on Thursday afternoon. That was so cool. Not that it was interesting or anything, but it was just great to be in college again. (I've always said I'd love to go back to college for a year or two..). I went to the library afterwards, when Lisa was doing some homework. I just wanted to be around books. So I went to the Spanish section, picked up a book that was written in 1842 by a woman who was moving to Mexico. It wasn't interesting at all, but just the format of the book itself and the fact that had been done with a typewriter was soo cool. So I sat there for a while, just by myself being happy with this Spanish book.. What an insane person I am. After that we went shopping, I had a power nap and then we went clubbing on Thursday night with a group of her mates and it was all well and wonderful. I got a little tipsy but it didn't effect me the next morning. There was no guilt, no restricting, just excitement. I had a hard time keeping up with her eating though.. Lisa has 4 proper meals a day.. I was like.. "Sorry, but I simply cannot eat as much as you!!" But that wasn't for restricting. That was simply because I cannot fit in 4 meals a day (including snacks!!).
Anyhow, It was her birthday on Friday and it was the best day ever. All we did was stroll around the city, going from one cafe to the next, as I hopped, skipped and jumped through the city. The weather was glorious too, like proper Spring.. We went out again in the evening to the pub. We weren't really planning on going out for long, but it was just so much fun. All we did was chat, with a small group of us. And me and Lisa just didn't want the night to end..because we'd have to say goodbye early the following morning. It was one of those night when all you want to do, is for the clock to stop ticking.. But of course time stops for no-one.. So the night did draw to an end and before we knew what was happening we were sitting in the taxi at 7 o'clock on Saturday morning as she was being dropped off at the train station and I was being dropped off at the bus station.. From which her journey back to Berlin for the Easter holidays began and from which my journey back to Arklow began. What a crazy few days, that I wouldn't have wanted to miss for anything!
Preparing for Leeds
Build-up for Leeds
It's Monday morning, after a very long week. Usually I'd be on my way to Wexford around about now. But not anymore. Today I'm not yearning to see Diann, but I'm kind of on the verge of exploding, because I haven't had the chance to write for nearly a week. It's all building up inside, to the point where I've been having nightmares for the past 2 nights. I'd better start from the beginning.
Tuesday was Paddy's day. I didn't do much, just went to look at the parade down the street. I was going to Leeds early the next morning. I had planned this trip a few weeks ago. I was going to visit Lisa, a friend I was traveling with in Oz. She's studying there at the moment, she's originally from Sweden but has been brought up in Germany. Once I was feeling stronger I made it my priority to go over and see her. Especially once I had decided to go to Oz. Because I hadn't a clue when I'd get to see her again. So I was excited on Tuesday and didn't want to overdo it. I went to the parade, walked down town and was back home again by dinnertime. I was shattered though for some reason. I wanted to do so much that day, I needed to write till my heart was content, but I didn't get the chance. I needed to pack too and mentally prepare my for the next day. But I did none of it, because there's was too little time. I reckon overdid it. I simply lost focus of everything and let the stress get to me. I wasn't happy that I didn't get to write about my session on last Monday. Different stuff had come up for me, and straight away I was having to gear myself up for going to Leeds. It was both a emotional and physical struggle I think on Tuesday. Having a tired body and having had a good but eye-opening session the day before that I needed to settle before being able to feel settled going to Leeds. All a little bit much maybe.
So before going to bed on Tuesday night I needed to shut myself off. I felt it all getting too much and life was "going above my head". I needed a time-out. I had that awful feeling in my chest again and all I wanted to do was cry. So I did and I felt awful for doing so. After having such great days and being so full of life, why was the trip on Wednesday scaring me? Why did I suddenly doubt that I'd be able to go and see Lisa? Why was I scared to go to sleep, just in case I'd wake-up and be a mess? Why was this happening? I felt like I had failed. I felt like I'd taken steps back, before forcing myself to take a few steps forward. I had let myself down. But at that moment all I wanted to do, was settle the feeling I had and get myself right again. Diann has told me that having few "bad" minutes or hours doesn't mean that I'm not recovered. It doesn't mean I have to feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with normal everyday life. Because everybody can have a few hours when they're not feeling too happy or on top of the world. And for me, at the this stage, I'm just like everyone else. Feeling off-balance is something that can happen to anyone at the best of times. I just have to be aware that I don't deal with it in the same way I would usually deal with it, which would have been by restricting myself.
So I sat in bed, trying to deal with this awful feeling in my chest. I had to just be in whatever way I pleased for that moment and not beat myself up over it. Because that would have made it worse. I went to sleep, trying to be focused on the here and now, so without stress of what was going to come tomorrow and without worrying about what I might be putting myself through by going to Leeds. The trip to Leeds was going to happen, only if I wanted it to. If I were to wake-up the next morning feeling awful, I would have simply not gone. I went to sleep and felt much more at ease. The next morning I was awake at 5. So I got up and felt great. There wasn't a bother in the world. I was rested, I was focused, I was revitalised and I was so happy just at the thoughts of seeing Lisa in a few hours!!! I had intentionally left my feelings from the night before, for what they were. I had dealt with them and I wasn't going to continue feeling bad for having felt bad for an hour or so. As I've said before, I'm only human, and everyone can loose their focus from time to time.
The journey went well. I had so much fun, all by myself, traveling again, being on my own little mission. What a feeling! Between getting myself through Dublin Airport on the "morning after the night before" (Paddy's day) - which could have been one of the busiest mornings of the whole year when getting on a plane leaving Ireland heading for whatever destination - and sitting in between and crowd of rowdy Brits with their sticking-booze-breaths..and then getting on the wrong bus once I got to Leeds which led me to see some beautiful English countryside and got me chatting to some old ladies, while I was trying to figure out where I was actually going. Hummm.. It was all a lot of fun I must say, but I finally got myself to the bus station in the city centre and Lisa was waiting for me. Oh my god, we were both absolutely ecstatic!! We were both on such a high and I didn't have to think twice whether this was the right or the wrong thing to have put myself through, because I knew it would be brilliant!!
It's Monday morning, after a very long week. Usually I'd be on my way to Wexford around about now. But not anymore. Today I'm not yearning to see Diann, but I'm kind of on the verge of exploding, because I haven't had the chance to write for nearly a week. It's all building up inside, to the point where I've been having nightmares for the past 2 nights. I'd better start from the beginning.
Tuesday was Paddy's day. I didn't do much, just went to look at the parade down the street. I was going to Leeds early the next morning. I had planned this trip a few weeks ago. I was going to visit Lisa, a friend I was traveling with in Oz. She's studying there at the moment, she's originally from Sweden but has been brought up in Germany. Once I was feeling stronger I made it my priority to go over and see her. Especially once I had decided to go to Oz. Because I hadn't a clue when I'd get to see her again. So I was excited on Tuesday and didn't want to overdo it. I went to the parade, walked down town and was back home again by dinnertime. I was shattered though for some reason. I wanted to do so much that day, I needed to write till my heart was content, but I didn't get the chance. I needed to pack too and mentally prepare my for the next day. But I did none of it, because there's was too little time. I reckon overdid it. I simply lost focus of everything and let the stress get to me. I wasn't happy that I didn't get to write about my session on last Monday. Different stuff had come up for me, and straight away I was having to gear myself up for going to Leeds. It was both a emotional and physical struggle I think on Tuesday. Having a tired body and having had a good but eye-opening session the day before that I needed to settle before being able to feel settled going to Leeds. All a little bit much maybe.
So before going to bed on Tuesday night I needed to shut myself off. I felt it all getting too much and life was "going above my head". I needed a time-out. I had that awful feeling in my chest again and all I wanted to do was cry. So I did and I felt awful for doing so. After having such great days and being so full of life, why was the trip on Wednesday scaring me? Why did I suddenly doubt that I'd be able to go and see Lisa? Why was I scared to go to sleep, just in case I'd wake-up and be a mess? Why was this happening? I felt like I had failed. I felt like I'd taken steps back, before forcing myself to take a few steps forward. I had let myself down. But at that moment all I wanted to do, was settle the feeling I had and get myself right again. Diann has told me that having few "bad" minutes or hours doesn't mean that I'm not recovered. It doesn't mean I have to feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with normal everyday life. Because everybody can have a few hours when they're not feeling too happy or on top of the world. And for me, at the this stage, I'm just like everyone else. Feeling off-balance is something that can happen to anyone at the best of times. I just have to be aware that I don't deal with it in the same way I would usually deal with it, which would have been by restricting myself.
So I sat in bed, trying to deal with this awful feeling in my chest. I had to just be in whatever way I pleased for that moment and not beat myself up over it. Because that would have made it worse. I went to sleep, trying to be focused on the here and now, so without stress of what was going to come tomorrow and without worrying about what I might be putting myself through by going to Leeds. The trip to Leeds was going to happen, only if I wanted it to. If I were to wake-up the next morning feeling awful, I would have simply not gone. I went to sleep and felt much more at ease. The next morning I was awake at 5. So I got up and felt great. There wasn't a bother in the world. I was rested, I was focused, I was revitalised and I was so happy just at the thoughts of seeing Lisa in a few hours!!! I had intentionally left my feelings from the night before, for what they were. I had dealt with them and I wasn't going to continue feeling bad for having felt bad for an hour or so. As I've said before, I'm only human, and everyone can loose their focus from time to time.
The journey went well. I had so much fun, all by myself, traveling again, being on my own little mission. What a feeling! Between getting myself through Dublin Airport on the "morning after the night before" (Paddy's day) - which could have been one of the busiest mornings of the whole year when getting on a plane leaving Ireland heading for whatever destination - and sitting in between and crowd of rowdy Brits with their sticking-booze-breaths..and then getting on the wrong bus once I got to Leeds which led me to see some beautiful English countryside and got me chatting to some old ladies, while I was trying to figure out where I was actually going. Hummm.. It was all a lot of fun I must say, but I finally got myself to the bus station in the city centre and Lisa was waiting for me. Oh my god, we were both absolutely ecstatic!! We were both on such a high and I didn't have to think twice whether this was the right or the wrong thing to have put myself through, because I knew it would be brilliant!!
9 months..concluded
As I sat in the waiting room, 9 months later..I'm different. I'm so light-hearted and so switched-on. So calm but so excited. So full of love, not only for others, but also for myself. I felt relieved to be able to sit there and not to feel nervous or anxious. I couldn't believe that it was finally safe to speak the words that it's just about over. I never thought I'd see the day, when I'd be able to walk in to the doctors office and feel the way I felt. But another thing I couldn't imagine was that that was me, 9 months ago. I simply can't imagine what I looked like and how I got through it all. But I did and that's what matters. I was finally happy to see Siobhan. I wasn't worried about what I'd eaten, or drank before coming in, for fear of being weighed. Nothing like that mattered. The only thing that mattered was that she knew just how grateful I am to her, for having done what she did back on the 9th of June.
She was delighted to see me. She showered me with compliments.. She said that she wasn't sure if it was wise to be saying how great I'm looking. This would have been the case months ago. Compliments were once a no-go area. But I told her she could say anything to me now and that I'm fine with it all. It felt so great to be able to say that. Siobhan was saying how it was to see me looking younger than Ma. That was a strange thing to hear. Of course I know that I did look a lot older, when I was ill. But it's still something that's hard to see with my own eyes. The past months, my exterior has become younger and my interior has become older. My body has regained the energy it had lost and my soul has gained an ocean of knowledge that it will never loose. So I'm old whilst being full of life and wise whilst being young. (I don't care if this sounds like I'm being big-headed or whatever because it's true.)
I was telling her briefly about my plans, about Australia and about how I tend to deal with the hard times, once I'm out on my own again. In a way, she was deliberately trying to put a dampener on things, I think just to test me in order to see if I really knew what I was getting myself in for. For instance.. asking me why going back to Oz will be different for me, than it was the last time. I'm not going to get in to that right now, because I've been over it so many times. I answered her anyhow and briefly felt like I was being interviewed. That was a bit disconcerting, I must admit. But I didn't take it to heart. She just wanted some reassurance and I gave it to her, by telling her I have the tools for when times get hard and I'd have to put off doing something I love so dearly (going back to Oz) and that makes my life what it is, by turning my back on this challenge that lies ahead. Being happy somewhere else, other than inside, is my next step. Once the conversation was coming to an end, she said.. "Okay, I'll let you go!!!" (jokingly). Thank you, Siobhan!!!!
All in all, she was delighted for me to be back on my feet again. So all was well and I was feeling great. I thanked her for what she did for me back in June. She gave Ma the biggest compliment by saying that I've the best mother in the world. For Ma to have known what to do, when this journey began, was my blessing. Not all mothers would have acted the Ma did. Which is totally true and it's something I've been going over and over in my head so many times..and needs far more words and attention than just a few lines amongst this little piece of writing. Siobhan said that she'll always be here for me, if I need it in the future, we gave each other a big hug and that was it. Wow. The past 9 months, the nightmare, the misery.. it's all done and dusted for now. What a whirlwind of events. Had I have blinked, I would have missed them. But I didn't blink and therefore didn't miss any of it. No matter how fast things went, it wasn't too fast for me to have skipped a beat.
So for now, no more visits to the doctor. No more tests, no more scans. Just me being healthy and happy and so so wealthy. A wealth that isn't measurable, it just needs to be felt.
She was delighted to see me. She showered me with compliments.. She said that she wasn't sure if it was wise to be saying how great I'm looking. This would have been the case months ago. Compliments were once a no-go area. But I told her she could say anything to me now and that I'm fine with it all. It felt so great to be able to say that. Siobhan was saying how it was to see me looking younger than Ma. That was a strange thing to hear. Of course I know that I did look a lot older, when I was ill. But it's still something that's hard to see with my own eyes. The past months, my exterior has become younger and my interior has become older. My body has regained the energy it had lost and my soul has gained an ocean of knowledge that it will never loose. So I'm old whilst being full of life and wise whilst being young. (I don't care if this sounds like I'm being big-headed or whatever because it's true.)
I was telling her briefly about my plans, about Australia and about how I tend to deal with the hard times, once I'm out on my own again. In a way, she was deliberately trying to put a dampener on things, I think just to test me in order to see if I really knew what I was getting myself in for. For instance.. asking me why going back to Oz will be different for me, than it was the last time. I'm not going to get in to that right now, because I've been over it so many times. I answered her anyhow and briefly felt like I was being interviewed. That was a bit disconcerting, I must admit. But I didn't take it to heart. She just wanted some reassurance and I gave it to her, by telling her I have the tools for when times get hard and I'd have to put off doing something I love so dearly (going back to Oz) and that makes my life what it is, by turning my back on this challenge that lies ahead. Being happy somewhere else, other than inside, is my next step. Once the conversation was coming to an end, she said.. "Okay, I'll let you go!!!" (jokingly). Thank you, Siobhan!!!!
All in all, she was delighted for me to be back on my feet again. So all was well and I was feeling great. I thanked her for what she did for me back in June. She gave Ma the biggest compliment by saying that I've the best mother in the world. For Ma to have known what to do, when this journey began, was my blessing. Not all mothers would have acted the Ma did. Which is totally true and it's something I've been going over and over in my head so many times..and needs far more words and attention than just a few lines amongst this little piece of writing. Siobhan said that she'll always be here for me, if I need it in the future, we gave each other a big hug and that was it. Wow. The past 9 months, the nightmare, the misery.. it's all done and dusted for now. What a whirlwind of events. Had I have blinked, I would have missed them. But I didn't blink and therefore didn't miss any of it. No matter how fast things went, it wasn't too fast for me to have skipped a beat.
So for now, no more visits to the doctor. No more tests, no more scans. Just me being healthy and happy and so so wealthy. A wealth that isn't measurable, it just needs to be felt.
9 months..
Last week Monday, after seeing Diann, I went to see the doctor; Siobhan. The week before I had my blood tests done, I had a bone and heart scan aswell so Monday it was time to give Siobhan a visit. It had been nearly 6 months since I seen her last. I think it was back in September. And seeing as though how well things are going and also knowing that I'll be leaving soon, we thought it was time to pay her a visit, just to wrap things up.
I got the results back from the tests I got done and everything was normal! My bloods were good, my heart rate was normal and my bones were okay. But it's a bit a vague subject though at the moment, the whole bone thing.. Because I could still end up having osteoporosis apparently. It's the density in the bones that weakens, and it's connected to having periods or not. My periods still haven't come back and it could take years, seeing as though my weight isn't soaring. Traveling will only prolong the process of weight gain, because I'll be more active again and need a higher intake of calories, which I'm really not getting, because I've reached my limit of food-intake, over the past weeks. My weight is still only 41 kilo's. Something I really wish would just pile on, because the sooner my periods come back, the less damage will be done. It would be reassuring too. Diann has told me before that every person is different and there's no certainty that they will come back. It's all pretty complicated, the whole bone-weight-period topic. But the only thing I can do, is get a bone scan once or twice a year, to keep on top of any developments. Other than that, I just have to be patient and keep my calcium intake as high as possible.
All that aside, the physical aspects are all getting back to normal. And I'm delighted! There's nothing holding me back now. Seeing Siobhan yesterday, was like the last little step towards declaring myself FREE from everything that was once holding me back. Me and Ma sat in the waiting room.. 9 months after my "coming out". It was the 9th of June when I sat in the same waiting room, waiting to see Siobhan for the first time. The biggest day of my life., The day I sat in the waiting room, not knowing what was going to happen or if I'd be able to hide my eating habits. The day my heart was racing like mad, for fear of admitting that I had a problem. The day I walked in and burst into tears, even before I sat down. Looking back to that day, it's feels like such a daze. I can hardly remember any of it clearly. I remember standing on the scales, and it said 34 kilos. I remember how 34 kilo's was far too much. I remember the way Siobhan approached me and gently urged to me admit, own up and and to be honest about my condition. I remember looking at the ground and trying to dig so deep, taking deep breaths as I told myself that this would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do in my life..and then the courage and strength came from somewhere and I managed to say the words that would change my life forever.."I have anorexia". I remember Ma saying that I deserved a hug..and that was it.. the rollercoaster took over my life from that day onwards.
9 months..it's the time in which a baby is brought to full term. It's the time it takes for a tiny little body to evolve and to be physically able to survive out in the world, detached from the womb which was it's safe, warm, comfortable, stable and familiar home. It survives breathing it's own breath, it's providing it's own warmth and building it's own strength. 9 months later.. It's also the time it took for someone to face their deepest, darkest side. It's such a relatively short space of time, for such a huge thing to have been dealt with. In the greater scheme of things, 9 months is nothing. For most, a life is just lived, from day to day, without change or without a challenge. But when that change is brought upon us, without our choosing it, and still working to embrace it and welcome the unwanted; a life can be turned upside down and inside out and eventually become so much richer. A head can feel like it's exploding, a body can feel like it's vanishing, and a soul can feel like it's dieing. But with all this being said and felt, a life is experienced so joyous and beautiful when managing to fight with the deepest, darkest self and not care about what else is going on in the world whilst unintentionally becoming so selfish and focusing on one thing alone and one thing only, which is yourself, in order to survive.
I got the results back from the tests I got done and everything was normal! My bloods were good, my heart rate was normal and my bones were okay. But it's a bit a vague subject though at the moment, the whole bone thing.. Because I could still end up having osteoporosis apparently. It's the density in the bones that weakens, and it's connected to having periods or not. My periods still haven't come back and it could take years, seeing as though my weight isn't soaring. Traveling will only prolong the process of weight gain, because I'll be more active again and need a higher intake of calories, which I'm really not getting, because I've reached my limit of food-intake, over the past weeks. My weight is still only 41 kilo's. Something I really wish would just pile on, because the sooner my periods come back, the less damage will be done. It would be reassuring too. Diann has told me before that every person is different and there's no certainty that they will come back. It's all pretty complicated, the whole bone-weight-period topic. But the only thing I can do, is get a bone scan once or twice a year, to keep on top of any developments. Other than that, I just have to be patient and keep my calcium intake as high as possible.
All that aside, the physical aspects are all getting back to normal. And I'm delighted! There's nothing holding me back now. Seeing Siobhan yesterday, was like the last little step towards declaring myself FREE from everything that was once holding me back. Me and Ma sat in the waiting room.. 9 months after my "coming out". It was the 9th of June when I sat in the same waiting room, waiting to see Siobhan for the first time. The biggest day of my life., The day I sat in the waiting room, not knowing what was going to happen or if I'd be able to hide my eating habits. The day my heart was racing like mad, for fear of admitting that I had a problem. The day I walked in and burst into tears, even before I sat down. Looking back to that day, it's feels like such a daze. I can hardly remember any of it clearly. I remember standing on the scales, and it said 34 kilos. I remember how 34 kilo's was far too much. I remember the way Siobhan approached me and gently urged to me admit, own up and and to be honest about my condition. I remember looking at the ground and trying to dig so deep, taking deep breaths as I told myself that this would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do in my life..and then the courage and strength came from somewhere and I managed to say the words that would change my life forever.."I have anorexia". I remember Ma saying that I deserved a hug..and that was it.. the rollercoaster took over my life from that day onwards.
9 months..it's the time in which a baby is brought to full term. It's the time it takes for a tiny little body to evolve and to be physically able to survive out in the world, detached from the womb which was it's safe, warm, comfortable, stable and familiar home. It survives breathing it's own breath, it's providing it's own warmth and building it's own strength. 9 months later.. It's also the time it took for someone to face their deepest, darkest side. It's such a relatively short space of time, for such a huge thing to have been dealt with. In the greater scheme of things, 9 months is nothing. For most, a life is just lived, from day to day, without change or without a challenge. But when that change is brought upon us, without our choosing it, and still working to embrace it and welcome the unwanted; a life can be turned upside down and inside out and eventually become so much richer. A head can feel like it's exploding, a body can feel like it's vanishing, and a soul can feel like it's dieing. But with all this being said and felt, a life is experienced so joyous and beautiful when managing to fight with the deepest, darkest self and not care about what else is going on in the world whilst unintentionally becoming so selfish and focusing on one thing alone and one thing only, which is yourself, in order to survive.
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