Unlike all the other days this week, Wednesday wasn't so much a day for closure, but it was a day to visit someone I've been meaning to visit for so long now. Someone who has been a rock to me, from the very start. Someone I couldn't possibly not see, before heading off to Australia and that's my cousin Mark. He was one of the most supportive people who pushed me through when I was at my all time low. What I remember so vividly, when this journey started, was something that amazed me, and still does to a certain extent..and that was the way he suddenly popped-up, as if out of nowhere with so much advice, with so many words and with so much belief in me, that I could, and more importantly, WAS going to get better. I remember this to be so random; for somebody who I wasn't around much but for that somebody to still make such an effort to pull me through those really bad weeks and to never stop until there was some degree of certainty that I was out of the danger zone. Another thing that amazes me, was for something like Anna to bring us so much closer, even though we rarely see each other. And this all through the airwaves..all through cyberspace.. Amazing.
We spoke about it, when I was hanging out with him on Wednesday and it wasn't pure luck or coincidence that he knew exactly what to say and what not to say, and what were the good and the not so good signs he was picking up from me on my blog, back at the start of it all. He has a friend who has also suffered from Anna and he would actually check with her, if he was going about it all in the right way. We spoke about how close I came to going to hospital and that he knew all I needed was some major force from outside of me, as often as possible, to get through those days..As I was right on the edge, of going either one way or the other. And, along with Ma, Diann and a few others, he was one of the main forces.
Over the past months I've thought a lot about how much Mark helped me, when I needed it most. And I always wondered how or why he did it. After thinking about it some more and trying to realize the extent of what he, and everybody else, would read on my blog, even though that's the hardest thing for me to do because of the fact that my head didn't feel like my own and my body wasn't on this planet and Anna didn't feel like she was happening to me, I can now understand more of the reasons as to why he chose to do so much for me. He saw what I couldn't see, but he also knew that once I would start to see what he saw, I'd go the extra mile. And on my part, it wasn't a question of should or shouldn't I have taken his help.. Because when a helping hand is needed and someone offers it, without wanting anything in return but just purely out of the goodness of their heart, then wouldn't that hand not want to be rejected out of shame or out of fear for seeming to be too weak and helpless or out of guilt for leaning on someone who is stronger and more capable of seeing the reality of it all. If the tables had been turned, I would have done the same. Especially having been through some stuff and being able to relate to certain things by having gained experience from personal past situations someone has been forced to deal with.
Back in July, from a distance, Mark became my light in the darkest hours. He didn't know me through and through, but even still, he knew that I was strong enough to get through Anna without being hospitalized. He could see it, maybe through the honesty of my blog, maybe through our past brief meetings or just simply because determination and strength got me ill in the first place, which could have meant that Mark also knew I had it in me to get better again. One way or another, it doesn't matter. What counts is the fact that it brought us closer and that will always stay. It will always be there.
It never ceases to amaze just how difficult times can bring certain people closer. We become so much more aware of what lies beneath, both in others and therefore also in ourselves. We also come to realize just how important relationships are, no matter how superficial they once might seem; this is never a guarantee that the relationship will never take a hop, a skip or a jump and change into something so much more significant, maybe even as significant as life.
Meeting up with him, for the first time since this all started, was so so great. Closure wasn't the issue but it was more like saying a big "hello" and and a big "goodbye" too.. Saying "hello" to the world without Anna as well as saying "goodbye" to this whole chapter. But then it maybe could be classed as closure..huummm.. Either way, it was more proof that all is well in my world. I've said this over and over again, and I might continue to do so, perhaps until the effect of being happy and feeling great wears off. But it hasn't, not yet anyhow. And up until it does, I'll continue to enjoy the things I'm able to do without having be consider the effects they could have on me. And going up to Dublin to see Mark and being able to talk about a load of stuff, was one of them. Back in September we said that once I'd be better, I'd come up to see him and we'd have beer and pizza. And that's what we did.. We had beer and pizza..
Saturday, April 18, 2009
A bit of closure
Every day this week I've done something that has had something to do with closure. Closing down this chapter of my life. Every day something ever so small, all in aid of distancing myself a little more, as this period draws to an end. All just so as I won't look back and wish I had done this or that in a different way. All so I won't feel like this hasn't ended properly. This time next week I'll be on the plane and I don't want to have any regrets. Everything has to be done and dusted.. Everything regarding the past 10 months..
It started on Monday. The only thing I wanted to come from that day, was doing something that would reassure me I was well on my way to leaving anything that had even the smallest thing to do with Anna, behind me. It was the supplement drinks that I had to finally throw away.
They had been in the bottom of the fridge for the past 3 months. I had stopped them suddenly the end of January, but never took it upon me to actually throw them down the drain. It wasn't that I was still willing to drink them, even if I did or didn't need them. But had been a few weeks when I was tempted. Why? Because I was afraid that by not drinking them, I'd be restricting myself. I didn't want to take a chance, when it came to giving Anna any kind of strength, no matter how small that strength might have been. Back then I didn't know what was the best thing to do.. either drink the 30 drinks in the bottom of the fridge, which would give me some extra nutrition and a great boost at the same time.. or was it better for me to just go ahead and challenge myself by seeking nutrition in food instead of supplements.
This feeling of confusion only lasted for a short few weeks. Because I then came to a stage, when I had been off them for so long that having one would be like undoing the good I had done. I'd be going backwards instead of forwards. Ever since I felt okay with looking at the drinks, I knew I wasn't restricting myself and that they were well and truly a thing of the past. So the time would soon come, when I'd be doing good for throwing them out.
That time came on Monday. All 30 bottles I emptied down the sink. The smell and the colour of them.. So sweet, so bright, so artificial. I didn't feel tempted to taste one.. O no.. And I didn't want anybody else tasting them either. That would have been like an invasion of my "thing".. What do I exactly mean by "thing".. I don't really know. Maybe my illness of the past, maybe my saviour, maybe that certain part of me that made me feel special, maybe some possession of mine.. I can't say for sure. But that's how it has always been, when I was drinking them, so it's only natural that I still feel so strongly about others tasting them. So as I was pouring them down the sink, it did bring back a bit of ****. But that was okay. It wasn't bad, it was normal. I would have worried, had it not stirred-up anything.
So they've gone, for good. The supplements are out of the fridge and out of my life. But they did save me, no matter how bad they made me feel. It's a relief to know that they aren't in the bottom of the fridge anymore. I don't have to look at them again. It's over and done with and it made me feel pretty good..
Then Tuesday came. Another day to do something that I've been wanting to do for a few months. But I either never got the chance, or I just simply chose to keep on putting it off. What am I talking about? The witch in the hotpress.. the doll Anna. I got this doll back in the Summer, from Ann. The doll that was big, ugly and just always there. The doll that represented my anorexia. The doll on which I took out so much anger and frustration during the days when everything was simply too much to deal with. I did to her what she had done to my soul.
As I took her out of the black sack on Tuesday, I knew that I had to burn her. That was it. But she wasn't a doll anymore. I don't think she had been a doll for many many months. Her insides were out, and her outside wasn't recognizable. Her legs weren't attached to her body, either were her arms and her face no longer existed. The only thing that was still recognizable was her broom.
I wouldn't be able to say how or when I dismantled her. But I can remember that she had been thrown around the room on several occasions, then stabbed, kicked and screamed at. That's all I know. How often? I couldn't possibly say. So opening the bag, to see her guts after all that time, was great. And to put the icing on the cake.. it was time to burn her. Throwing her in the bin, wouldn't have been as satisfying as throwing her on a fire. And she burnt great! Every piece of her.. her clothes even went up in flames. And it felt great. So many times I'd wanted to do that. But I only knew that the time would come, once I was all better. And now it was finally happening.
An ugly witch, that I would never have to see again. I destroyed her, after she had tried to destroy me. Back then, we fought for a while, 2 strengths against each other. Strengths of a different substance, with a different purpose and each with different values and beliefs, each aiming to achieve total opposites of each other. But the strongest always wins and becomes even stronger in the process. I suppose I was always stronger to begin with.. But it was never really visible with the eye. The real me needed to be challenged, just to see that the strength I always had, really is as strong as others would have me believe. Actually.. that's not entirely true.. Because I never knew I had either of those strengths in me. Neither the good nor the bad. But now I know they are there. And for knowing that, I'm stronger. I won the battle, and the witch is no longer in the hotpress..
It started on Monday. The only thing I wanted to come from that day, was doing something that would reassure me I was well on my way to leaving anything that had even the smallest thing to do with Anna, behind me. It was the supplement drinks that I had to finally throw away.
They had been in the bottom of the fridge for the past 3 months. I had stopped them suddenly the end of January, but never took it upon me to actually throw them down the drain. It wasn't that I was still willing to drink them, even if I did or didn't need them. But had been a few weeks when I was tempted. Why? Because I was afraid that by not drinking them, I'd be restricting myself. I didn't want to take a chance, when it came to giving Anna any kind of strength, no matter how small that strength might have been. Back then I didn't know what was the best thing to do.. either drink the 30 drinks in the bottom of the fridge, which would give me some extra nutrition and a great boost at the same time.. or was it better for me to just go ahead and challenge myself by seeking nutrition in food instead of supplements.
This feeling of confusion only lasted for a short few weeks. Because I then came to a stage, when I had been off them for so long that having one would be like undoing the good I had done. I'd be going backwards instead of forwards. Ever since I felt okay with looking at the drinks, I knew I wasn't restricting myself and that they were well and truly a thing of the past. So the time would soon come, when I'd be doing good for throwing them out.
That time came on Monday. All 30 bottles I emptied down the sink. The smell and the colour of them.. So sweet, so bright, so artificial. I didn't feel tempted to taste one.. O no.. And I didn't want anybody else tasting them either. That would have been like an invasion of my "thing".. What do I exactly mean by "thing".. I don't really know. Maybe my illness of the past, maybe my saviour, maybe that certain part of me that made me feel special, maybe some possession of mine.. I can't say for sure. But that's how it has always been, when I was drinking them, so it's only natural that I still feel so strongly about others tasting them. So as I was pouring them down the sink, it did bring back a bit of ****. But that was okay. It wasn't bad, it was normal. I would have worried, had it not stirred-up anything.
So they've gone, for good. The supplements are out of the fridge and out of my life. But they did save me, no matter how bad they made me feel. It's a relief to know that they aren't in the bottom of the fridge anymore. I don't have to look at them again. It's over and done with and it made me feel pretty good..
Then Tuesday came. Another day to do something that I've been wanting to do for a few months. But I either never got the chance, or I just simply chose to keep on putting it off. What am I talking about? The witch in the hotpress.. the doll Anna. I got this doll back in the Summer, from Ann. The doll that was big, ugly and just always there. The doll that represented my anorexia. The doll on which I took out so much anger and frustration during the days when everything was simply too much to deal with. I did to her what she had done to my soul.
As I took her out of the black sack on Tuesday, I knew that I had to burn her. That was it. But she wasn't a doll anymore. I don't think she had been a doll for many many months. Her insides were out, and her outside wasn't recognizable. Her legs weren't attached to her body, either were her arms and her face no longer existed. The only thing that was still recognizable was her broom.
I wouldn't be able to say how or when I dismantled her. But I can remember that she had been thrown around the room on several occasions, then stabbed, kicked and screamed at. That's all I know. How often? I couldn't possibly say. So opening the bag, to see her guts after all that time, was great. And to put the icing on the cake.. it was time to burn her. Throwing her in the bin, wouldn't have been as satisfying as throwing her on a fire. And she burnt great! Every piece of her.. her clothes even went up in flames. And it felt great. So many times I'd wanted to do that. But I only knew that the time would come, once I was all better. And now it was finally happening.
An ugly witch, that I would never have to see again. I destroyed her, after she had tried to destroy me. Back then, we fought for a while, 2 strengths against each other. Strengths of a different substance, with a different purpose and each with different values and beliefs, each aiming to achieve total opposites of each other. But the strongest always wins and becomes even stronger in the process. I suppose I was always stronger to begin with.. But it was never really visible with the eye. The real me needed to be challenged, just to see that the strength I always had, really is as strong as others would have me believe. Actually.. that's not entirely true.. Because I never knew I had either of those strengths in me. Neither the good nor the bad. But now I know they are there. And for knowing that, I'm stronger. I won the battle, and the witch is no longer in the hotpress..
Monday, April 13, 2009
What an email can do..
Some of my mates that I've only been in touch with through email for the past year of more, which are mainly friends from travels or friends from college that I would never got to see on a regular basis when I was living in Holland, have been sending out either no vibes or negative vibes, when it comes to my travel plans. And that has been bugging me for days now..
It's Monday morning..Easter Monday to be precise, and I've only got 10 days before I leave. The date is getting nearer and nearer and I'm getting more and more mentally prepared for it. I'm excited but not stressed or anxious. It all feels pretty surreal however normal at the same time, if that's at all possible. When it comes to support, everybody is on board. So that only makes things so much easier. But then there are certain people who I regard as being close friends, and who I've told a few weeks ago through email what my plans are, but who don't seem to either support the fact that I'm going or who just couldn't be bothered to know what's going on, be it either good or bad.
I'm not talking about friends or family that I've had close contact with and who I've been able to see, since coming to Ireland. But I'm talking about the friends who I still and always will regard as being dear to me. It was one travel-buddy of mine who actually stirred this all up. She made me realize that she isn't the only one who hasn't replied to the emails I've sent, regarding my plans. But her reaction, or lack of should I say, struck me in particular. I sent her so many emails and texts over the past weeks, just checking that she was okay, because she hadn't replied. Was she ignoring me? Was she p-ed off by the fact that I'm going back to Australia? Was she envious and therefore didn't want me be able to experience traveling again? Did she resent me for this?
She of all people, knows how much traveling means to me. And she did engage in such a way with my ordeal, that she was aware of just how stuck I was, in body, mind and spirit. She knew just how hard times were for me, and therefore shouldn't she also know just how much this means to me? Shouldn't she be supportive of me? Shouldn't she be happy that I'm able to make this step? I know there's a lot of "shouldn'ts" there, and she "should" only really do or be in whatever way she pleases.. But still. It hurt so much that she didn't reply to anything for such a "long time". And when she finally did, which was yesterday, it was an abrupt email. It was short, it was impersonal (which is extremely unusual coming from her) and it gave off this vibe of her not thinking I should be deserving of this trip. She ended the email with, and I quote: "here all is well, but there's nothing as exciting going on as there is your life, by the sounds of it". That was it! Full stop.. No "goodbye".. no "catch ya later".. no nothing.. I was shocked and kind of p-ed off about it to be honest.
So this email, really got me thinking. For so long, when I was doing nothing, but going through hell each day over and over again, and she was living her life and doing all the things she pleased to do, I never once thought she didn't deserve to be happy and live her life. I didn't resent the fact that she was able to do this, and I wasn't. For me, hearing about what she was up to, only made me happy.. in my darkest hours. It would made me mind smile, not my face however.. but inside she made me smile. Because that's what it has always done to me and will continue to do..hearing of your close family and friends being happy and living a full life.. it can give you a glimmer of hope. And that's what it did for me. Now to think that I'm able to branch out again, be and feel full of life and be willing to go that extra mile, suddenly seems to make her feel bad for some reason.
Would it be the fact that she's not traveling and that I however will be? Would she rather me be sad, down and depressed, just so that her life is better and brighter and more full of joy than somebody elses..especially someone who was once somebody she might have tried to follow.. In a way, that's the way our friendship was, up until I got sick. Things I did, she'd be inspired and would take ideas or plans on board and would long to follow them through (but they eventually never happened-which is besides the point). So when I was ill, it could have given her a sense of ease.. She might have been calm and relaxed or maybe reassured by the fact that there are others in this world who aren't able to live a full and exciting life..? I had to keep a low profile and for that she felt that her life was good?? This might have meant that she could do the same and maybe it meant less pressure and more enjoyment in the simpler life she was living?? But suddenly I'm not keeping a low profile anymore and can shout from the rooftops just how much of the world and the people in it, I want to see, experience and meet. And starting an adventure again suddenly has gotten her down and she seems to resent me for it.
Saying that she's pleased for me, yes she has done that. So I have to give her some credit. And to a certain extent she means it, but there was something not quite right. Has it stirred-up feelings for her, that she didn't want to be confronted with? She always wanted to travel more, but never did. Should I feel bad for her? Should I keep my excitement to myself, when I'm in touch with her, just to keep her happy? Should I contain myself? I should think not, really. Why should I? Don't I deserve to be feeling happy and excited? Don't I deserve this, just as much as the next person?
If somebody wants to travel, then can't they make it happen, no matter what age they are? If somebody wants something so bad, then isn't there always a way to make it happen? Yes, sacrifices have to be made. But if they want that something so badly, then sacrifices are made with greatest pleasure. And therefore they aren't really sacrifices. So I shouldn't feel bad for being able to travel again. I'm just doing what I want. I'm going about life the way I want to. She can do the same. But if she chooses not to, then that's up to her. And it's not up to me to feel guilty for her decisions. I can't afford to worry about what this might be doing to her. It's her stuff and I don't need to make it my own. And as Orla said to me before we said goodbye last week: "Niamh, you deserve this". And I do. I can't doubt that. Just like I can't doubt the fact that this travel-buddy of mine, DOES wish me well and IS happy for me to be feeling as good as I am right now. Because she is, I know. She might resent me for certain capabilities. But I don't resent her for feeling the way she does. Because I can understand as I've been there myself, when it comes to people traveling. So I can let it be, I can let it go. I know that if I have the right attitude towards this, that it won't come between us. Because we know each other too well for that and she'd probably admit to this herself. So there are no bad feelings. And I'm not going to let it effect me. All is well.. all is good.. bring on next week!!
It's Monday morning..Easter Monday to be precise, and I've only got 10 days before I leave. The date is getting nearer and nearer and I'm getting more and more mentally prepared for it. I'm excited but not stressed or anxious. It all feels pretty surreal however normal at the same time, if that's at all possible. When it comes to support, everybody is on board. So that only makes things so much easier. But then there are certain people who I regard as being close friends, and who I've told a few weeks ago through email what my plans are, but who don't seem to either support the fact that I'm going or who just couldn't be bothered to know what's going on, be it either good or bad.
I'm not talking about friends or family that I've had close contact with and who I've been able to see, since coming to Ireland. But I'm talking about the friends who I still and always will regard as being dear to me. It was one travel-buddy of mine who actually stirred this all up. She made me realize that she isn't the only one who hasn't replied to the emails I've sent, regarding my plans. But her reaction, or lack of should I say, struck me in particular. I sent her so many emails and texts over the past weeks, just checking that she was okay, because she hadn't replied. Was she ignoring me? Was she p-ed off by the fact that I'm going back to Australia? Was she envious and therefore didn't want me be able to experience traveling again? Did she resent me for this?
She of all people, knows how much traveling means to me. And she did engage in such a way with my ordeal, that she was aware of just how stuck I was, in body, mind and spirit. She knew just how hard times were for me, and therefore shouldn't she also know just how much this means to me? Shouldn't she be supportive of me? Shouldn't she be happy that I'm able to make this step? I know there's a lot of "shouldn'ts" there, and she "should" only really do or be in whatever way she pleases.. But still. It hurt so much that she didn't reply to anything for such a "long time". And when she finally did, which was yesterday, it was an abrupt email. It was short, it was impersonal (which is extremely unusual coming from her) and it gave off this vibe of her not thinking I should be deserving of this trip. She ended the email with, and I quote: "here all is well, but there's nothing as exciting going on as there is your life, by the sounds of it". That was it! Full stop.. No "goodbye".. no "catch ya later".. no nothing.. I was shocked and kind of p-ed off about it to be honest.
So this email, really got me thinking. For so long, when I was doing nothing, but going through hell each day over and over again, and she was living her life and doing all the things she pleased to do, I never once thought she didn't deserve to be happy and live her life. I didn't resent the fact that she was able to do this, and I wasn't. For me, hearing about what she was up to, only made me happy.. in my darkest hours. It would made me mind smile, not my face however.. but inside she made me smile. Because that's what it has always done to me and will continue to do..hearing of your close family and friends being happy and living a full life.. it can give you a glimmer of hope. And that's what it did for me. Now to think that I'm able to branch out again, be and feel full of life and be willing to go that extra mile, suddenly seems to make her feel bad for some reason.
Would it be the fact that she's not traveling and that I however will be? Would she rather me be sad, down and depressed, just so that her life is better and brighter and more full of joy than somebody elses..especially someone who was once somebody she might have tried to follow.. In a way, that's the way our friendship was, up until I got sick. Things I did, she'd be inspired and would take ideas or plans on board and would long to follow them through (but they eventually never happened-which is besides the point). So when I was ill, it could have given her a sense of ease.. She might have been calm and relaxed or maybe reassured by the fact that there are others in this world who aren't able to live a full and exciting life..? I had to keep a low profile and for that she felt that her life was good?? This might have meant that she could do the same and maybe it meant less pressure and more enjoyment in the simpler life she was living?? But suddenly I'm not keeping a low profile anymore and can shout from the rooftops just how much of the world and the people in it, I want to see, experience and meet. And starting an adventure again suddenly has gotten her down and she seems to resent me for it.
Saying that she's pleased for me, yes she has done that. So I have to give her some credit. And to a certain extent she means it, but there was something not quite right. Has it stirred-up feelings for her, that she didn't want to be confronted with? She always wanted to travel more, but never did. Should I feel bad for her? Should I keep my excitement to myself, when I'm in touch with her, just to keep her happy? Should I contain myself? I should think not, really. Why should I? Don't I deserve to be feeling happy and excited? Don't I deserve this, just as much as the next person?
If somebody wants to travel, then can't they make it happen, no matter what age they are? If somebody wants something so bad, then isn't there always a way to make it happen? Yes, sacrifices have to be made. But if they want that something so badly, then sacrifices are made with greatest pleasure. And therefore they aren't really sacrifices. So I shouldn't feel bad for being able to travel again. I'm just doing what I want. I'm going about life the way I want to. She can do the same. But if she chooses not to, then that's up to her. And it's not up to me to feel guilty for her decisions. I can't afford to worry about what this might be doing to her. It's her stuff and I don't need to make it my own. And as Orla said to me before we said goodbye last week: "Niamh, you deserve this". And I do. I can't doubt that. Just like I can't doubt the fact that this travel-buddy of mine, DOES wish me well and IS happy for me to be feeling as good as I am right now. Because she is, I know. She might resent me for certain capabilities. But I don't resent her for feeling the way she does. Because I can understand as I've been there myself, when it comes to people traveling. So I can let it be, I can let it go. I know that if I have the right attitude towards this, that it won't come between us. Because we know each other too well for that and she'd probably admit to this herself. So there are no bad feelings. And I'm not going to let it effect me. All is well.. all is good.. bring on next week!!
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