My time in Ireland seems to be done
10 months later and it's time to have some fun
Who would have known that the end was so near
It came so soon and for that I can only cheer
As suddenly as this journey started, it has also ended
My heart and soul are strong and definitely mended
I breathe the relief, which is the start of what I'm feeling
As I'm blessed for having seen the power of self-healing
A strength I never new was within me, so strong
The power came from somewhere and guided me all along
That power was me, this person as she sits right here
My own work and determination to never avoid that fear
The fear of what had past and of what was to come
And the grief for not being weak and not wanting to run
A word only has meaning when it's experienced to the full
And the word "strength" now reveals it's potential and it brightens the dull
Who wants to constantly feel more grief, anger and pain?
Only those who choose to use it, whilst playing this game
It eventually makes those forgotten cells feel so alive
Always looking, searching and feeling that need to thrive
Because as I am a thriver and not a survivor, at heart
As those who choose to only survive, linger from the start
The difference being that surviving is only barely living
And thriving is being that potential to heal and then start giving
I can now be so certain that living is for me
And that love has made me open my heart and feel free
A love so unconditional as my heart beats for everyone
It also beats for me, as I've learned my life isn't done
Who would have thought that I'd get to see this day
As I sit here, one last time, on my blog and pray
Pray to myself for my strength, wisdom and love
And pray that the universe will support me from above
A journey to heaven after a journey to hell
I wouldn't have missed it, as I now know so well
Amazing emotions have revealed amazing depth
That all came to me, a I stopped and I slept
A short summary of the things I've come to learn
As I've worked so extremely hard, this is what I earn
The list is so short is comparisson to it all
But I need to vent this, this is my final call
I've learned to love myself and be as I am
I've learned to heal the soul and always give a damn
I've learned to reach and never stop wanting to be free
I've learned to look beyond what the eye can see
I've learned to feel who I am, in every fibre that's there
I've learned to face facts and to never truly scare
I've learned to cry all those tears that are mine
I've learned to polish my diamond and always let it shine
Look up at the sky and see that star
Jump up and be it, is an achievement by far
Reach out and touch them all, as it is your right
Open your arms and hug them; it's the end of the fight
So spread your wings now and join those skies
See there are no more limits, as beyond is where it lies
Where it will lead, only the universe can know
But one certainty remains, that this star is ready to go..
One more tear that is shed here today
Just one more, for the joy of forever being Fay xxx
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My Ma
It's Wednesday morning. I can't quite believe that tomorrow is the day. I'm flying to Oz. Finally it seems to be happening. There's not that much left for me to do now, except right here, right now. On my blog, I need to stop for a minute to say a few words for someone in particular who has, just like Diann, played a leading role in my life and throughout this adventure, and it probably goes without saying that I'm referring to my Ma.
On Monday when we were with Diann talking about how we came to meet her, and how Ma acted when it first came to light that I was ill, I realized even more, how difficult it was for her. Because as she spoke, she was speaking as if she was alone in the world, with this ill child of hers, with nowhere to go and no one to help her. There was little places of refuge out there and Ma was having to cope with all of it, pretty much all by herself. How scary that must have been, I can only begin to imagine but will never fully comprehend. Being so alone, fighting for the health of your daughter, with no certainty as to how or when the treatment would take place and no idea that if we were to luckily get treatment, if it would actually work. How much of the unknown and how much worries can one single person endure, in such a short space of time.. I do not know. Ma couldn't really share this with anybody. Yes, she could speak to others, but she couldn't properly lean on anybody else. She needed to be pulled through my illness, just like I needed to be pulled. Maybe not as much me, but still to a certain degree. And there was really nobody there, just herself.
The burden of an illness that took over her life, her household, her mind and her body, was brought upon her so suddenly, so intensely and so vividly. Others told her, the treatment I was finally getting from Diann, wasn't working. It wasn't enough. I was still a mess, I was still on the verge of falling down. Ma told us on Monday, that she didn't listen to such advice that came from others. She listened to what felt right, and that was the road we chose. Or the road Ma chose.. She said she was the only one who knew me through and through. And she therefore knew that somewhere underneath the skinny exterior was the strong and determined young girl, who once upon a time sat for hours as a toddler with so much determination, whilst trying to fasten the buckle on her sandles. Ma knew that I was still in there and that I'd be able to get through this, without the hospital.
She has proven to have known what was best and isn't that what they.. "Mother always knows best"? I suppose it is. When it comes to my Ma, it's true. Even though for years we weren't around each other on a daily basis, she still knew me so well. It didn't matter that I'd had been across the world and had created my dreams, which I was trying so hard to pursue..that didn't change who I always was. It didn't matter that for months I avoided being around her too much when I lived back in Holland, for fear of confrontation about my weight. None of that was an issue. All that mattered was that Ma knew what to do, because she knew the real me and had faith.
Ma acted so bravely, so efficiently, so courageously and so wisely. She was never angry at me for having put this illness upon her or for disrupting her life, as I did. She never resented my darkness, she never shyed away from my gloomiest hours. She never seemed to fear anything and was understanding beyond belief. She never showed frustration or weakness. Because of her strength and because of her past. Without having been through some of the stuff life has thrown at her, this illness could have forced us to grow apart, it might not have been as effective as it has turned out to be and the journey could have been made 10 times harder than it already was.
I admire her for everything she has done, not only over the past year, but always. Diann has said it before too.. She has admiration for how open minded, involved, understanding and strong she has been throughout the anorexia. It's such a complex illness and can seem so unnecessary to some people. There aren't a lot people who can even begin to understand the ins and outs of it. But Ma did. She tried her best and never let it get her down. She was never defeated, even when I felt I was and therefore felt that she should also feel the same. Ma told us that there were days when she thought we'd never get through it and sometimes wondered if this illness would ever let us out of its tight tight grip. But even with such doubts, Ma never gave up hope that I would come out a winner. She believed in me every step of the way, and stood by me and supported me in exactly the right way, at the right times. Her coming to the sessions week in week out, is something that is unique, according to Diann. It doesn't happen very often and the psychological support that comes from that, is huge. It was the support that I needed, and I got it.
Me and Ma were always pretty close to begin with. Having come through Anna together, has brought us closer. Right now, I'm at the stage where I need my own space. Ma knows, respects and understands that. So I don't have to feel bad for wanting and needing to branch out and leave this behind. It's like with Diann, I'm not leaving anything behind, but I'm taking so much with me that sad feelings, for being apart, shouldn't be overbearing. It's healthy, as those who we consider to be our world, are in our hearts and we want them close and safe in our surroundings. But life doesn't always work out like that.
I used to feel that stepping away from this period in my life, was like a sin. I felt like I only took and took and took from Ma, and that I wasn't giving anything in return, but just an extra person to miss, once I'd be on my way again. I think and I hope, or actually I know, that I've made peace with that guilt. I can try to understand a mothers' love as much as possible and therefore see that nothing is ever too much. Receiving help and health from a mother, isn't being greedy, needy or selfish. In life, if we cannot turn to the ones who love us most in the world, then who can we turn to? As I was not loving of myself, but needed to feel loved by others, just to get my health back and then learn to love myself again, Ma offered me her guidance in that process. After everything, I can say that I do now love myself unconditionally. I have a closeness to myself and a closeness to others, that I never felt before. This is what has given me my life again and this, in so many ways, I owe to Ma. I've read before that everyone owes their life to their mother. But for me, it's so much more. I owe this second chance I've been given, to her strength and her love. She gave birth to me once and yet has also been the reason for this newness that I feel, that lives and breathes inside of me today.
As I said about Diann, the same goes for Ma: words will always sell my feelings short. Maybe just keeping myself happy and healthy will be repayment enough. Such simplicity but yet so precious. Tomorrow I'm not leaving Ma behind, she's with me always. For keepsake. Today, more so than ever before.
On Monday when we were with Diann talking about how we came to meet her, and how Ma acted when it first came to light that I was ill, I realized even more, how difficult it was for her. Because as she spoke, she was speaking as if she was alone in the world, with this ill child of hers, with nowhere to go and no one to help her. There was little places of refuge out there and Ma was having to cope with all of it, pretty much all by herself. How scary that must have been, I can only begin to imagine but will never fully comprehend. Being so alone, fighting for the health of your daughter, with no certainty as to how or when the treatment would take place and no idea that if we were to luckily get treatment, if it would actually work. How much of the unknown and how much worries can one single person endure, in such a short space of time.. I do not know. Ma couldn't really share this with anybody. Yes, she could speak to others, but she couldn't properly lean on anybody else. She needed to be pulled through my illness, just like I needed to be pulled. Maybe not as much me, but still to a certain degree. And there was really nobody there, just herself.
The burden of an illness that took over her life, her household, her mind and her body, was brought upon her so suddenly, so intensely and so vividly. Others told her, the treatment I was finally getting from Diann, wasn't working. It wasn't enough. I was still a mess, I was still on the verge of falling down. Ma told us on Monday, that she didn't listen to such advice that came from others. She listened to what felt right, and that was the road we chose. Or the road Ma chose.. She said she was the only one who knew me through and through. And she therefore knew that somewhere underneath the skinny exterior was the strong and determined young girl, who once upon a time sat for hours as a toddler with so much determination, whilst trying to fasten the buckle on her sandles. Ma knew that I was still in there and that I'd be able to get through this, without the hospital.
She has proven to have known what was best and isn't that what they.. "Mother always knows best"? I suppose it is. When it comes to my Ma, it's true. Even though for years we weren't around each other on a daily basis, she still knew me so well. It didn't matter that I'd had been across the world and had created my dreams, which I was trying so hard to pursue..that didn't change who I always was. It didn't matter that for months I avoided being around her too much when I lived back in Holland, for fear of confrontation about my weight. None of that was an issue. All that mattered was that Ma knew what to do, because she knew the real me and had faith.
Ma acted so bravely, so efficiently, so courageously and so wisely. She was never angry at me for having put this illness upon her or for disrupting her life, as I did. She never resented my darkness, she never shyed away from my gloomiest hours. She never seemed to fear anything and was understanding beyond belief. She never showed frustration or weakness. Because of her strength and because of her past. Without having been through some of the stuff life has thrown at her, this illness could have forced us to grow apart, it might not have been as effective as it has turned out to be and the journey could have been made 10 times harder than it already was.
I admire her for everything she has done, not only over the past year, but always. Diann has said it before too.. She has admiration for how open minded, involved, understanding and strong she has been throughout the anorexia. It's such a complex illness and can seem so unnecessary to some people. There aren't a lot people who can even begin to understand the ins and outs of it. But Ma did. She tried her best and never let it get her down. She was never defeated, even when I felt I was and therefore felt that she should also feel the same. Ma told us that there were days when she thought we'd never get through it and sometimes wondered if this illness would ever let us out of its tight tight grip. But even with such doubts, Ma never gave up hope that I would come out a winner. She believed in me every step of the way, and stood by me and supported me in exactly the right way, at the right times. Her coming to the sessions week in week out, is something that is unique, according to Diann. It doesn't happen very often and the psychological support that comes from that, is huge. It was the support that I needed, and I got it.
Me and Ma were always pretty close to begin with. Having come through Anna together, has brought us closer. Right now, I'm at the stage where I need my own space. Ma knows, respects and understands that. So I don't have to feel bad for wanting and needing to branch out and leave this behind. It's like with Diann, I'm not leaving anything behind, but I'm taking so much with me that sad feelings, for being apart, shouldn't be overbearing. It's healthy, as those who we consider to be our world, are in our hearts and we want them close and safe in our surroundings. But life doesn't always work out like that.
I used to feel that stepping away from this period in my life, was like a sin. I felt like I only took and took and took from Ma, and that I wasn't giving anything in return, but just an extra person to miss, once I'd be on my way again. I think and I hope, or actually I know, that I've made peace with that guilt. I can try to understand a mothers' love as much as possible and therefore see that nothing is ever too much. Receiving help and health from a mother, isn't being greedy, needy or selfish. In life, if we cannot turn to the ones who love us most in the world, then who can we turn to? As I was not loving of myself, but needed to feel loved by others, just to get my health back and then learn to love myself again, Ma offered me her guidance in that process. After everything, I can say that I do now love myself unconditionally. I have a closeness to myself and a closeness to others, that I never felt before. This is what has given me my life again and this, in so many ways, I owe to Ma. I've read before that everyone owes their life to their mother. But for me, it's so much more. I owe this second chance I've been given, to her strength and her love. She gave birth to me once and yet has also been the reason for this newness that I feel, that lives and breathes inside of me today.
As I said about Diann, the same goes for Ma: words will always sell my feelings short. Maybe just keeping myself happy and healthy will be repayment enough. Such simplicity but yet so precious. Tomorrow I'm not leaving Ma behind, she's with me always. For keepsake. Today, more so than ever before.
One last session - 3
Back in May, when I was still in Holland, I went to a tarrot card reader. She told me things about my life, that were so true, things that she simply couldn't have known. I therefore knew she was an accurate card-reader. She told me that there would be somebody that was going to come onto my path, and become very special to me. This someone was going to guide me and we would create a bond. This person would be my world for the at least 6 months of my life, but it would nevertheless be a lasting bond. This tarrot-card reader, never said if it this special person was male or female. I was so excited to know who this new person was going to be. Now I can see though that this special someone was Diann. She was the person I was told about. It gives me goosebumps and makes me shiver, to know that me and Diann were destined to meet. Through the circumstances and conditions we met, was even more unique.
Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.
There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.
The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".
Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..
This was my letter to her..
Dearest Diann,
As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.
With love always,
Niamh
Emotions were running high for me yesterday, every time thoughts arose or words were spoken, of this journey being over or of how excited I am about life or of how special everything and everybody is to me or of how grateful I am to her and Ma. They were all emotions that were and still are happy ones. Nothing of the grieving kind. Because grieving is for loss or pain or anger or regret or resentment. And I experience none of these emotions, with regards to anorexia. So I didn't need to suppress anything and I didn't need to feel bad for lack of them.
There was something that I needed to say, before leaving. It was something that I've thought 100 times before and something that I've wrote about 10 times before..but said only once, and that was yesterday, finally to her face. She had to know that the work she does, is brilliant and will forever amaze me and she should be aware that I'll be forever grateful to her for what she has done. Such a special person, who I admire and am inspired by. Telling her this, simply wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be. So I wrote something in a card for her. Ma and I also she got her a bunch of flowers and then she also gave me a present. A chain with a guardian angel on it and a card with some amazing words.
The hour flew by, as it always does. Before it was time to leave, she told me that I was a joy to work with. She always looked forward to every session with me and enjoyed and learned from them. She thanked me for letting her be a part of my Anna period and she feels honoured to have been on my journey. That of course, got all 3 of us choked-up. To hear from someone I value and admire so much, such meaningful words, was something I'll never ever forget. It's like something a friend of mine once said.. "I'm honoured for someone I value so much, to think of me in such a special way".
Right now, I don't want to stop writing about her. I'm temporarily stuck here and don't want to turn away. This is it. I really feel like I'm leaving something behind right now. But I can't look at it in that manner. Because as I said before, she's so much more than a therapist now; so I'm taking her with me in my heart. She's there, along with all the other people who are so special to me. It's not weighing heavy on my heart, but it's making it lighter. Because I'm a better person for having been treated by her. I'm not losing anything or leaving behind something. I'm taking more away than I could ever have anticipated. Her spirit, her love, her wisdom, her joy. I have learned from it, shared in it and choose to inspire with it..
This was my letter to her..
Dearest Diann,
As one journey ends..another begins.
The joy, love, excitement, compassion, energy and most of all the life I feel inside of me, each and every day, is in so many ways down to you. For something so amazing to have come out of my journey, through which you were my guide, proves to me just how beautiful life is. You opened my eyes, as they were closed. You made me see the wonders again. You saw in me, what I couldn't see, but choosing to follow your gaze and for that gaze to reveal what was inside of me, as it's inside each and every living soul, gave me my life back. Simply because of your kind heart, your free spirit and your loving nature, you made it possible for me to look at the world through the eyes that witness the miracle of life, the joys of feeling energy, the excitement of this moment, the beauty in everything and also the shiny diamond that you told me I'd temporarily lost, but would soon find again. Today I can say with certainty that I've found it, it's polished, it's safe, it's protected, it's me. For showing me this, I'm forever grateful. So much so, that I'd shower you with gifts...for giving me life again. But there simply is no price or gift that will ever be enough of come close to being worthy of my life. Words are all I have (as Ronan from Boyzone would always say), this card is all I give, and in my heart you'll always remain.
With love always,
Niamh
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