I'm still in a pissed off mood.. I'm just f*cking sad and frustrated that this is happening to me. It can't be.. I'm thinking too much now.. I know I'm driving myself mad.. I'm driving myself round the bend, and I'm only making myself hate myself more and more.. Why why why.. It's so annoying. I don't want to have to deal with this all.. Can I not just click my fingers for it all to be gone? Is that possible? I'm not too sure.. I reckon it's not possible, but imagine it were to be possible.
I'm not even thinking about what I'm typing right now, this is just a load sh*t.. not worth reading.. and I don't care. Such bad form, such a shit life, a shit body and a shit head to match, with shit food inside of me.. and I have to be stuffing more into me soon. When will it stop? When am I allowed to stop stuffing my face with all this food? Surely, I've been doing so well the past days, that I can now just stop it? I think I might be able.. O I just need to do something to get my frustration out.. I have to take it out on something.. this typing is not really relieving anything..
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I'm not superwoman
I'm sick and tired of people fussing around me. Thinking.. "what kind of mood is niamh in today..".. Who cares, just leave me alone, I'm tired of analyzing how I feel, it's draining me, and I don't want to anymore.
I don't want to be polite when I'm not wanting to.
I'm feeling like a heap of crap right now.. Just let me be.
And everyone with "my best interests at heart".. It's all too much.
What am I supposed to do with it all? Everybody only makes me feel like an invalid.
And I cannot be expected to constantly take every good gesture on board, and see this all positive.. I cannot do it, it too tiring and too much.. And then I feel like a massive cow, being ungrateful.. and I then feel pressure to be nice when I feel so so bad. And it's wearing me out. Some days I just DON'T want to cope. Just let me be.
I got up this morning, and felt full and gross. When you go out to dinner the night before and you overindulge, you eat crap and lots of it, and the next morning you still feel full? That's how I've been feeling the past few mornings, since I started having 3 supplements a day. How do you reckon that makes me feel? On top of the world? I really do not think so. I makes me feel like a fat pig. This morning I seen a fat pig in the mirror. Wasn't too pleasant I can tell you.. gross.
So, feeling like a pig, I have to make myself feel even shittier, by eating more and more.. and it's constant. Stuffing my face all the time, constantly.
When has that ever made anybody on this planet feel good about themselves? Never I reckon. Everybody feels like a heap a sh*t whenever they stuff their faces..So do I. And I know, whoever reads this post, is thinking..yeah, this is Anna..blablabla.. I know that it's Anna, but JUST LET ME BE AND LET ME TYPE WHATEVER I WANT AND LET ME FEEL WHATEVER I WANT!!!
I'm only human.. I don't have super powers.. I'm not able to constantly feel upbeat and open for support.. It's so hard. And tiring and draining..
Stop trying to figure out where I'm coming from, because I don't even know.
I don't want to be polite when I'm not wanting to.
I'm feeling like a heap of crap right now.. Just let me be.
And everyone with "my best interests at heart".. It's all too much.
What am I supposed to do with it all? Everybody only makes me feel like an invalid.
And I cannot be expected to constantly take every good gesture on board, and see this all positive.. I cannot do it, it too tiring and too much.. And then I feel like a massive cow, being ungrateful.. and I then feel pressure to be nice when I feel so so bad. And it's wearing me out. Some days I just DON'T want to cope. Just let me be.
I got up this morning, and felt full and gross. When you go out to dinner the night before and you overindulge, you eat crap and lots of it, and the next morning you still feel full? That's how I've been feeling the past few mornings, since I started having 3 supplements a day. How do you reckon that makes me feel? On top of the world? I really do not think so. I makes me feel like a fat pig. This morning I seen a fat pig in the mirror. Wasn't too pleasant I can tell you.. gross.
So, feeling like a pig, I have to make myself feel even shittier, by eating more and more.. and it's constant. Stuffing my face all the time, constantly.
When has that ever made anybody on this planet feel good about themselves? Never I reckon. Everybody feels like a heap a sh*t whenever they stuff their faces..So do I. And I know, whoever reads this post, is thinking..yeah, this is Anna..blablabla.. I know that it's Anna, but JUST LET ME BE AND LET ME TYPE WHATEVER I WANT AND LET ME FEEL WHATEVER I WANT!!!
I'm only human.. I don't have super powers.. I'm not able to constantly feel upbeat and open for support.. It's so hard. And tiring and draining..
Stop trying to figure out where I'm coming from, because I don't even know.
Friday, August 8, 2008
I had a dream last night
Last night, I had a dream. I swear, this so true.
I got a shock this morning when I woke.
"What happened, tell me tell me!" I hear you ask yourself..
Well, in my dream, there was me. And all I can remember, was that I was in some place and something was happening, not too sure what (how disappointing..haha), but I finally said to the other person there, that I had pushed this disease far enough. That it's gone far enough now. Anna has pushed and pushed, she has succeeded in proving that she has power, and that she's a bully and she can rule and ruin my life. And now, it's time to start pushing her back. I could literally see Anna being pushed away in my dream.. I was standing there, pushing against her (an ugly cow by the way..), telling her that it has gone on now for too long.. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Other than that, I can't remember that much. I don't remember who else was there or where I was. But I know what it meant. I can be very superstitious when I want to be, and I choose to see this as a sign. That MAYBE I have FINALLY realize that she has had control over me for too long and that it now really IS time to get her out..
Well, if it's a sign or not, I don't care, I'm taking it.. and am grateful for the fact that I managed to remember it this morning.. often when you dream, you forget them.. But this one I didn't.. I choose, again, to this as yet another sign.
And because today is being a good day so far, I will see the positive side.
PS. Don't all go sending me emails now, telling me that they are happy that I'm better..Because I will freak out!!! I'm still not anywhere near being cured.. But I'm still having a good day.
I got a shock this morning when I woke.
"What happened, tell me tell me!" I hear you ask yourself..
Well, in my dream, there was me. And all I can remember, was that I was in some place and something was happening, not too sure what (how disappointing..haha), but I finally said to the other person there, that I had pushed this disease far enough. That it's gone far enough now. Anna has pushed and pushed, she has succeeded in proving that she has power, and that she's a bully and she can rule and ruin my life. And now, it's time to start pushing her back. I could literally see Anna being pushed away in my dream.. I was standing there, pushing against her (an ugly cow by the way..), telling her that it has gone on now for too long.. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Other than that, I can't remember that much. I don't remember who else was there or where I was. But I know what it meant. I can be very superstitious when I want to be, and I choose to see this as a sign. That MAYBE I have FINALLY realize that she has had control over me for too long and that it now really IS time to get her out..
Well, if it's a sign or not, I don't care, I'm taking it.. and am grateful for the fact that I managed to remember it this morning.. often when you dream, you forget them.. But this one I didn't.. I choose, again, to this as yet another sign.
And because today is being a good day so far, I will see the positive side.
PS. Don't all go sending me emails now, telling me that they are happy that I'm better..Because I will freak out!!! I'm still not anywhere near being cured.. But I'm still having a good day.
Moodiness is my middlename
Yesterday was such a tough day..
I don't know why but I struggled BIG TIME..
Look up a the term "sea of emotions" in the dictionary and you will see me. I went from being reasonably okay, to withdrawn and frustrated, to depressed and zoned-out, to angry and I even started to feel aggressive (this didn't last too long..thank god) and then emotional and soppy.
All in the space of around 14 hours. How tired I was once the day ended. I could have, when I was feeling depressed (around 4 and 5 o clock), just gone to bed, just to end the day, to get it over and done with and start a new day in the morning, hoping to feel slightly more human. But I struggled through, trying to figure out why I was feeling so "all over the place".
I think it was because, on Wednesday I was feeling on top of the world. I was so determined and I know I would get better and I would be able to fight Anna. I had all this energy, I did lots (not exercise or anything.. but just "working the brain" doing some little "projects" I'm working on) and kept on going, and thought "because I'm feeling so positive today, I'm going to make the most out of it.. and do as much as possible,to use all my determination to push Anna out".. I hear you thinking "that's great Niamh, well done". But because I pushed myself too far, my brain and head were exhausted yesterday. And I was feeling it. So I paid yesterday big time, for having too good a day on Wednesday.
God, sometimes it's so hard to know what's best to do.
At the moment, my sister Emma and little nephew Aiden are visiting as well. So this adds to the pressure. It's sounds stupid, but I feel like I need to be in a certain mood, because she came over especially to see me. I feel bad and guilty if I'm constantly feeling and therefore acting shitty.. I know, Emma, you don't think like this.. But I can't help it. It's just how I feel.
So today, it's another day, and I can try a different approach. I felt human waking up this morning. Which counts for a lot these days. So I'm pacing myself. I want to go out tonight with my mam and sisters for a drink, and I want to be the "fun" me, and chatty and just have a laugh. So the whole time, I'm telling myself "I need to pace myself". Even though I'm in a normal mood NOW (it's so hard to know if it's going to change.. I have no control over it at all, but the fact that I have become aware of my moodiness is progress compared to 3 or 4 weeks ago), I cannot get carried away. I have to force myself to take a step back, slow down and take it easy throughout the day. Or else that will be it and I'll ruin tonight. I'm going to try and listen to my body, what it's telling me. Even if it's a simple thing as trying to play with Aiden.. Slow down, I can't. Just because I'm feeling good now, doesn't mean it will last.
I'm analyzing my mood so much at moment, because I want to be a bearable to be around. It is tough as well having to deal with more people around me. Yesterday it was tough, because I was feeling so bad. But I can do it, I just need to LISTEN to my body. Right now, it's telling me.. take a nap.. I'm not really into taking naps during the day (it makes me feel lazy and non-productive).. Not really my thing. But maybe I should. I'll see how I feel.
I'm going to try and get through today at a pace that I can take. I don't want to piss Fay off today. If Anna pushes through, then my body will have no energy for me to be in a civil mood for the rest of the day. You see, Fay can tell me that I'm not listening to her, by making my body weak. That's her way of reminding me, that I need to listen to be good to myself and strong and pace myself at the same time. It's okay, for today, well for NOW, I'm listening to you Fay.
I don't know why but I struggled BIG TIME..
Look up a the term "sea of emotions" in the dictionary and you will see me. I went from being reasonably okay, to withdrawn and frustrated, to depressed and zoned-out, to angry and I even started to feel aggressive (this didn't last too long..thank god) and then emotional and soppy.
All in the space of around 14 hours. How tired I was once the day ended. I could have, when I was feeling depressed (around 4 and 5 o clock), just gone to bed, just to end the day, to get it over and done with and start a new day in the morning, hoping to feel slightly more human. But I struggled through, trying to figure out why I was feeling so "all over the place".
I think it was because, on Wednesday I was feeling on top of the world. I was so determined and I know I would get better and I would be able to fight Anna. I had all this energy, I did lots (not exercise or anything.. but just "working the brain" doing some little "projects" I'm working on) and kept on going, and thought "because I'm feeling so positive today, I'm going to make the most out of it.. and do as much as possible,to use all my determination to push Anna out".. I hear you thinking "that's great Niamh, well done". But because I pushed myself too far, my brain and head were exhausted yesterday. And I was feeling it. So I paid yesterday big time, for having too good a day on Wednesday.
God, sometimes it's so hard to know what's best to do.
At the moment, my sister Emma and little nephew Aiden are visiting as well. So this adds to the pressure. It's sounds stupid, but I feel like I need to be in a certain mood, because she came over especially to see me. I feel bad and guilty if I'm constantly feeling and therefore acting shitty.. I know, Emma, you don't think like this.. But I can't help it. It's just how I feel.
So today, it's another day, and I can try a different approach. I felt human waking up this morning. Which counts for a lot these days. So I'm pacing myself. I want to go out tonight with my mam and sisters for a drink, and I want to be the "fun" me, and chatty and just have a laugh. So the whole time, I'm telling myself "I need to pace myself". Even though I'm in a normal mood NOW (it's so hard to know if it's going to change.. I have no control over it at all, but the fact that I have become aware of my moodiness is progress compared to 3 or 4 weeks ago), I cannot get carried away. I have to force myself to take a step back, slow down and take it easy throughout the day. Or else that will be it and I'll ruin tonight. I'm going to try and listen to my body, what it's telling me. Even if it's a simple thing as trying to play with Aiden.. Slow down, I can't. Just because I'm feeling good now, doesn't mean it will last.
I'm analyzing my mood so much at moment, because I want to be a bearable to be around. It is tough as well having to deal with more people around me. Yesterday it was tough, because I was feeling so bad. But I can do it, I just need to LISTEN to my body. Right now, it's telling me.. take a nap.. I'm not really into taking naps during the day (it makes me feel lazy and non-productive).. Not really my thing. But maybe I should. I'll see how I feel.
I'm going to try and get through today at a pace that I can take. I don't want to piss Fay off today. If Anna pushes through, then my body will have no energy for me to be in a civil mood for the rest of the day. You see, Fay can tell me that I'm not listening to her, by making my body weak. That's her way of reminding me, that I need to listen to be good to myself and strong and pace myself at the same time. It's okay, for today, well for NOW, I'm listening to you Fay.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The interference of the appearance
I don't care what I look like.
I don't care what I wear.
I don't care that I look sick.
I don't care that people stare.
Shopping for clothes, What's the point.
Getting the hair cut, Waste of time.
Wanting a manicure, What a joke.
Going for a wax, I rather sit here and rhyme.
Why do people care about these things?
I really cannot see the big deal.
Did I once care just like the rest?
If so, then that surely wasn't real.
Crazy and insane, is that what everyone now is?
Because everyone cares about such a thing as appearance.
Or am I now crazy and insane for not caring at all?
Because, for me, such a thing is a massive interference.
I don't care what I wear.
I don't care that I look sick.
I don't care that people stare.
Shopping for clothes, What's the point.
Getting the hair cut, Waste of time.
Wanting a manicure, What a joke.
Going for a wax, I rather sit here and rhyme.
Why do people care about these things?
I really cannot see the big deal.
Did I once care just like the rest?
If so, then that surely wasn't real.
Crazy and insane, is that what everyone now is?
Because everyone cares about such a thing as appearance.
Or am I now crazy and insane for not caring at all?
Because, for me, such a thing is a massive interference.
Zoned Out
Being in a place, that's not on this planet.
Zoning out, in my own world.
That's what I seem to do best.
Just sit and stare and feel numb.
Feeling nothing at all.
And I don't care.
Because all I want to do is just sit.
Things are going round in my head.
I analyze things but get nowhere.
But I'm fine with that.
I'm in no fit state to figure out anything logically.
At that moment I don't want to move.
Not one muscle in my body.
I then feel light sensations in my forehead.
It's a glorious feeling.
At that moment, I don't care what happens.
I don't want to think about normal life.
Or about daily things happening.
It doesn't seem important.
I'd be happy to never be disturbed.
I'm in a state of being indescribable.
How does it occur and when?
To me it's a mystery.
I don't know what triggers it.
And I don't know why it happens.
But I enjoy it.
If I knew what was really going on in my brains for me to get into this state of being, I would more than likely never want to feel like that again. It can't be healthy. So why do I enjoy it? Where does it come from, and will it occur less and less gradually, as I recover?
Questions, questions and more questions.. I hope to one day find the answer.
But until then, I will enjoy the moments or hours that I spend in my own world.
Zoning out, in my own world.
That's what I seem to do best.
Just sit and stare and feel numb.
Feeling nothing at all.
And I don't care.
Because all I want to do is just sit.
Things are going round in my head.
I analyze things but get nowhere.
But I'm fine with that.
I'm in no fit state to figure out anything logically.
At that moment I don't want to move.
Not one muscle in my body.
I then feel light sensations in my forehead.
It's a glorious feeling.
At that moment, I don't care what happens.
I don't want to think about normal life.
Or about daily things happening.
It doesn't seem important.
I'd be happy to never be disturbed.
I'm in a state of being indescribable.
How does it occur and when?
To me it's a mystery.
I don't know what triggers it.
And I don't know why it happens.
But I enjoy it.
If I knew what was really going on in my brains for me to get into this state of being, I would more than likely never want to feel like that again. It can't be healthy. So why do I enjoy it? Where does it come from, and will it occur less and less gradually, as I recover?
Questions, questions and more questions.. I hope to one day find the answer.
But until then, I will enjoy the moments or hours that I spend in my own world.
Obesity versus Anorexia
Sitting in the doctor's waiting room..
A girl, suffering from obesity.
What did she think, when I walked in?
What did I think, when she stood up?
Two people, dealing with different problems.
Problems that are 2 opposites.
Which problem would be easier to deal with?
I found myself wondering.
At this moment in time, would I prefer to be obese?
Would I prefer to be 20 kilos overweight instead of underweight?
Was she happy in her own skin and just naturally large?
What did she think, when she saw me?
Did she see anorexic written all over me?
Would she rather be in my shoes, if she had the choice?
Maybe she didn't think of me as being ill, just naturally small?
Maybe I looked normal in her eyes.
She probably didn't think anything when she saw me.
So why am I analyzing it so much?
Probably because people judge her the same as they do me.
Either over eating..or under eating..
People despise you for it.
Both extremes are unnatural.
For someone to suffer from one of the other, there must something wrong.
Something massively wrong, and there is.
That's the sad thing about it.
But I don't care what people think.
I'm not self conscious of how I look.
I don't see a skinny person in the mirror, so it's oke.
For obese people, is it the same?
Do they see what other people see?
Or do they see what they have led themselves to believe?
Are they an unhappy soul trapped in an unhealthy body?
Just like I am?
That wasn't a question, that was a statement.
I am an unhappy soul, trapped in an unhealthy body.
For some reason these 2 go together.
A light bulb is now switching on in my brain..
A healthy body and soul are vital to live life fully.
Being obese or anorexic.. it's not a matter of which illness to choose.
It's a matter of getting to the core of where this unhappiness comes from in order for body and soul to become strong and healthy.
A girl, suffering from obesity.
What did she think, when I walked in?
What did I think, when she stood up?
Two people, dealing with different problems.
Problems that are 2 opposites.
Which problem would be easier to deal with?
I found myself wondering.
At this moment in time, would I prefer to be obese?
Would I prefer to be 20 kilos overweight instead of underweight?
Was she happy in her own skin and just naturally large?
What did she think, when she saw me?
Did she see anorexic written all over me?
Would she rather be in my shoes, if she had the choice?
Maybe she didn't think of me as being ill, just naturally small?
Maybe I looked normal in her eyes.
She probably didn't think anything when she saw me.
So why am I analyzing it so much?
Probably because people judge her the same as they do me.
Either over eating..or under eating..
People despise you for it.
Both extremes are unnatural.
For someone to suffer from one of the other, there must something wrong.
Something massively wrong, and there is.
That's the sad thing about it.
But I don't care what people think.
I'm not self conscious of how I look.
I don't see a skinny person in the mirror, so it's oke.
For obese people, is it the same?
Do they see what other people see?
Or do they see what they have led themselves to believe?
Are they an unhappy soul trapped in an unhealthy body?
Just like I am?
That wasn't a question, that was a statement.
I am an unhappy soul, trapped in an unhealthy body.
For some reason these 2 go together.
A light bulb is now switching on in my brain..
A healthy body and soul are vital to live life fully.
Being obese or anorexic.. it's not a matter of which illness to choose.
It's a matter of getting to the core of where this unhappiness comes from in order for body and soul to become strong and healthy.
Distrated during Breakfast
I woke up this and I felt hungry. And that was absolute sh*t..
I really didn't want to feel these hunger pains.. It was only 8 o clock in the morning and I had my supplement last night at 09.30pm!!!
How was this possible? This was not making me happy at all..
I could hear Anna, she was there, in my hear, giving out to me.. I could hear her saying.. "Who the hell do you think you are, acting on these hunger pains.. push yourself to the max.. you can go so much longer, enjoy the hunger pains, and DO NOT ACT ON IT".. But I had to, and the worst thing was, that I also had to eat my yogurt, straight away, because or else, I wouldn't be able to fit in all my food today.. Sh*t!!
Now what was I going to do?
AND I had to take a full pot of yogurt.. yesterday this wasn't a problem. But today, it's was awful.. Because I didn't want to eat, and Anna was there and I needed to eat more for breakfast than I have been doing for the past week. I made such a big mistake, by cutting down my portions.. especially on days like today, I have made it harder for myself..
AND to add to it all.. everyone was around me.. Everybody was looking.. Everybody was awake and in the kitchen.. usually I'm alone with me and my yogurt and that's just the way I like it.. Nobody timing me, nobody looking at me, nobody talking to me, nobody observing me..
But today, oh everyone was around.. And talking and my "ritual" was broken.. which made it harder for me to get this full portion of yogurt down. I sit with my book, read 2 pages and take a bite. And that's just how I eat it, and I enjoy it, and I would usually finish it within around an hour. But today, people were talking at me.. I was constantly being distracted. So I was out of my rhythm.. It was gone, it therefore took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to eat it. This then has consequences for the rest of the day, trying to fit everything in..
I wanted to plan to have my first supplement at 11 o clock.. But then it's a half an hour after I just finished my yogurt, and I'm still full..
It's so not fair and it pisses me off...
Then, I'm having my shower, just pottering about, and my legs aren't as tired as they were the past few days... F*ck!!! oh no, I can hear Anna, giving out to me.. "Who the hell do you think you are, taking it easy? Go on, do something, make your legs sore, you can do it, get yourself going.. you're not supposed to feel fine.. get you're act together Niamh and don't you dare ignore me!"..
So what am I supposed to do? I really don't know.. I need to do lots of stuff now, be productive.. keep myself busy.. My whole day has now been muddled up all because people were around me when I was eating my breakfast, even though when I woke up this morning, I knew that Anna was there already, once I felt the hunger pains.. How weak am I to act on these pains? How weak is my body, wanting food.. How bad am I.. Sorry Anna for not listening to you..
I really didn't want to feel these hunger pains.. It was only 8 o clock in the morning and I had my supplement last night at 09.30pm!!!
How was this possible? This was not making me happy at all..
I could hear Anna, she was there, in my hear, giving out to me.. I could hear her saying.. "Who the hell do you think you are, acting on these hunger pains.. push yourself to the max.. you can go so much longer, enjoy the hunger pains, and DO NOT ACT ON IT".. But I had to, and the worst thing was, that I also had to eat my yogurt, straight away, because or else, I wouldn't be able to fit in all my food today.. Sh*t!!
Now what was I going to do?
AND I had to take a full pot of yogurt.. yesterday this wasn't a problem. But today, it's was awful.. Because I didn't want to eat, and Anna was there and I needed to eat more for breakfast than I have been doing for the past week. I made such a big mistake, by cutting down my portions.. especially on days like today, I have made it harder for myself..
AND to add to it all.. everyone was around me.. Everybody was looking.. Everybody was awake and in the kitchen.. usually I'm alone with me and my yogurt and that's just the way I like it.. Nobody timing me, nobody looking at me, nobody talking to me, nobody observing me..
But today, oh everyone was around.. And talking and my "ritual" was broken.. which made it harder for me to get this full portion of yogurt down. I sit with my book, read 2 pages and take a bite. And that's just how I eat it, and I enjoy it, and I would usually finish it within around an hour. But today, people were talking at me.. I was constantly being distracted. So I was out of my rhythm.. It was gone, it therefore took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to eat it. This then has consequences for the rest of the day, trying to fit everything in..
I wanted to plan to have my first supplement at 11 o clock.. But then it's a half an hour after I just finished my yogurt, and I'm still full..
It's so not fair and it pisses me off...
Then, I'm having my shower, just pottering about, and my legs aren't as tired as they were the past few days... F*ck!!! oh no, I can hear Anna, giving out to me.. "Who the hell do you think you are, taking it easy? Go on, do something, make your legs sore, you can do it, get yourself going.. you're not supposed to feel fine.. get you're act together Niamh and don't you dare ignore me!"..
So what am I supposed to do? I really don't know.. I need to do lots of stuff now, be productive.. keep myself busy.. My whole day has now been muddled up all because people were around me when I was eating my breakfast, even though when I woke up this morning, I knew that Anna was there already, once I felt the hunger pains.. How weak am I to act on these pains? How weak is my body, wanting food.. How bad am I.. Sorry Anna for not listening to you..
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Is progress being made?
There are days when I getting nowhere, there are days when I feel like I'm flying..
Is there any progress being made? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. It was one of my questions at my session yesterday. Should I be putting more pressure on myself or should I just let the motions take it's course? Should I push myself more? Can I push myself more? Is there anything more I could be doing?
I'm doing my utmost best, that's how I feel anyway. The fact that everyday I ask myself, who am I listening to today? The fact that I analyze what this food is doing to me and how it's making me feel. The fact that, with Diann, I reflect on how each week has been going. The fact that I'm becoming more and more aware of how serious this position I find myself in, is. The fact that I'm willing to slow down, to rest and stop exercising. The fact that I can take my supplements and I don't need to be forced.
These are only small steps. But, according to Diann, I'm starting to stand up to Anna. I'm not beating her. Not yet anyway. Her voice still overpowers Fays. Thats one thing that I'm aware of. But that will become less and less. I need to be patient. I need this time, I need support and most of all I need strength.
I received a gift last week, from my sweet sweet auntie Brigid. It was a pack of cards, called: The power of letting go. It's based on learning to live in the "here and now". On each card there is a quote or a saying.. "Today I will...". So I have started to draw 1 card each morning and try to get something positive out of the quote stated on this particular one.. (extremely hard on my bad days, but it does help). The one I took from the pack of cards yesterday said: "Today I will.. Receive joyfully". So anything anybody gives to me during the day, I am worthy of this and I deserve it, whether it be a gift, help or a compliment. So, when I left Diann, she said "you're doing well Niamh, you really are". That was what I received joyfully. It was a compliment that I deserved and I was worthy of it and it's true.
Progress is being made, slowly but surely. I don't want to worry about how long this recovery is going to take.. It scares the hell out of me. So I'm living in the here and now and I'm taking one step at a time, one day at a time.
I think the people who I love and who are supporting me, realize this as well, some more than others. But for bit of consideration I'm extremely grateful.. Love you all to bits xxxxx
Is there any progress being made? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. It was one of my questions at my session yesterday. Should I be putting more pressure on myself or should I just let the motions take it's course? Should I push myself more? Can I push myself more? Is there anything more I could be doing?
I'm doing my utmost best, that's how I feel anyway. The fact that everyday I ask myself, who am I listening to today? The fact that I analyze what this food is doing to me and how it's making me feel. The fact that, with Diann, I reflect on how each week has been going. The fact that I'm becoming more and more aware of how serious this position I find myself in, is. The fact that I'm willing to slow down, to rest and stop exercising. The fact that I can take my supplements and I don't need to be forced.
These are only small steps. But, according to Diann, I'm starting to stand up to Anna. I'm not beating her. Not yet anyway. Her voice still overpowers Fays. Thats one thing that I'm aware of. But that will become less and less. I need to be patient. I need this time, I need support and most of all I need strength.
I received a gift last week, from my sweet sweet auntie Brigid. It was a pack of cards, called: The power of letting go. It's based on learning to live in the "here and now". On each card there is a quote or a saying.. "Today I will...". So I have started to draw 1 card each morning and try to get something positive out of the quote stated on this particular one.. (extremely hard on my bad days, but it does help). The one I took from the pack of cards yesterday said: "Today I will.. Receive joyfully". So anything anybody gives to me during the day, I am worthy of this and I deserve it, whether it be a gift, help or a compliment. So, when I left Diann, she said "you're doing well Niamh, you really are". That was what I received joyfully. It was a compliment that I deserved and I was worthy of it and it's true.
Progress is being made, slowly but surely. I don't want to worry about how long this recovery is going to take.. It scares the hell out of me. So I'm living in the here and now and I'm taking one step at a time, one day at a time.
I think the people who I love and who are supporting me, realize this as well, some more than others. But for bit of consideration I'm extremely grateful.. Love you all to bits xxxxx
Balancing Happiness & Sadness
I found myself getting frustrated..
The fact that I don't know if I'm doing enough. Am I really fighting this thing? Or am I just doing nothing and giving into Anna? How do I know if I'm making progress? I asked one of my "stars".. Diann.... "am I doing enough and am I fighting this thing?
I was getting worried about this, because of the way my mood was the last few weeks. As my mam said "Her mood is just Black". Okay, fair enough, I was depression on legs (or depression on twigs in my case). I felt like I was giving into this disease, because I was feeling so down and depressed. I thought, that I had brought it all on myself.. and felt like I was going down the whole "self-pity road". I had convinced myself that if I would just turn this depressed mood around, I could get over Anna, and I would be fine, But I wasn't and therefore it's all my own doing.
Why was I beating myself up so much?
Well, I am, usually a big believer in turning your mood around.. because a person (someone in a strong BODY and MIND) can influence their own mood, or you can give into it, which brings you down even more. If you get up in the morning, and think to yourself, "this is all going to go wrong", or "today is going to be shit", then it will turn out that way. I usually believe this. So I felt like I wasn't doing anything good with this whole battle and that I wasn't really getting anywhere, except for drowning in self-pity.
It caused so much frustration..
But after much discussion and info, I've been assured that this is not the case. Feeling the way I have been feeling (down, low, depressed and black) is all a part of it. It's a sign that you are going through the motions and dealing with it, and realizing that it's happening.
Being in a state of depression caused by losing something or someone or caused by an illness (which is different than a "depression in the genes" as Diann put it), makes us realize what happiness and sadness really is. It's not possible for somebody who has never felt low or felt sad, to know what happiness feels like. To them, it's just a state of being. They can't appreciate when good things come their way, because that's the way it's always been. Whereas if you have felt true sadness, life becomes so much more worthwhile, everything becomes balanced, everything is cherished, everything is for a reason.
Appreciating the feeling of happiness, follows those times of sadness. And thats when we realize that life is precious and beautiful.
The fact that I don't know if I'm doing enough. Am I really fighting this thing? Or am I just doing nothing and giving into Anna? How do I know if I'm making progress? I asked one of my "stars".. Diann.... "am I doing enough and am I fighting this thing?
I was getting worried about this, because of the way my mood was the last few weeks. As my mam said "Her mood is just Black". Okay, fair enough, I was depression on legs (or depression on twigs in my case). I felt like I was giving into this disease, because I was feeling so down and depressed. I thought, that I had brought it all on myself.. and felt like I was going down the whole "self-pity road". I had convinced myself that if I would just turn this depressed mood around, I could get over Anna, and I would be fine, But I wasn't and therefore it's all my own doing.
Why was I beating myself up so much?
Well, I am, usually a big believer in turning your mood around.. because a person (someone in a strong BODY and MIND) can influence their own mood, or you can give into it, which brings you down even more. If you get up in the morning, and think to yourself, "this is all going to go wrong", or "today is going to be shit", then it will turn out that way. I usually believe this. So I felt like I wasn't doing anything good with this whole battle and that I wasn't really getting anywhere, except for drowning in self-pity.
It caused so much frustration..
But after much discussion and info, I've been assured that this is not the case. Feeling the way I have been feeling (down, low, depressed and black) is all a part of it. It's a sign that you are going through the motions and dealing with it, and realizing that it's happening.
Being in a state of depression caused by losing something or someone or caused by an illness (which is different than a "depression in the genes" as Diann put it), makes us realize what happiness and sadness really is. It's not possible for somebody who has never felt low or felt sad, to know what happiness feels like. To them, it's just a state of being. They can't appreciate when good things come their way, because that's the way it's always been. Whereas if you have felt true sadness, life becomes so much more worthwhile, everything becomes balanced, everything is cherished, everything is for a reason.
Appreciating the feeling of happiness, follows those times of sadness. And thats when we realize that life is precious and beautiful.
"Use your drive & determination, Niamh!"
Last night, Tuesday, I went to see Diann. This was session number 5. (not that I'm keeping track or anything..)
I was waiting all week for this one, and it couldn't have come sooner.. It was a day later, and I felt it, I was about to explode. The whole day, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just let it all pass me by, wasn't wanting to have any conversations or anything.. I just want to keep all my energy for that hour I was going to spend talking "at" Diann. I was afraid to think about anything else all day long, just in case I was to forget how my week was or how I was feeling.. cause then it would all still be bottled up and it would have been a waste of a session.. and they have become precious to me.
When I think about the session now, I can see that I really did save up all my energy, and all this anger, frustration and a "hyped-up Niamh" came to the surface. This was a massive difference if I think back to last week, when I sat there like a zombie.
This session was focused more on the food aspect of it all. Mainly because it was my first week taking these supplements. And looking back on the week, I must be honest, and say that I did do real well. I started them on Wednesday night, and from Thursday I had to take them myself, without being told or given them (this sounds so childish I know, but when you don't want to take medication that you need for the sake of your health, it can be so easy just to throw it down the sink, nobody needs to know), it was my own responsibility, because mam was on holidays for 5 days. I took them all.. the first 4 days 2 supplement drinks and from day 5 I had to take 3. Mam said not to look on the pack, because it says how much calories are in them, it was right there in front of me, but I was so strong and didn't look. I just didn't want to know. And that took some strength I can tell you.. But I did it.
I did admit to Diann that I had been cutting down on my portions. I just wasn't able to finish any of them, for being so full, sick, sore, shitty and like a fat pig all the time. This, she said, is Anna. Which of course didn't come as a surprise to me.. I knew it. And once I start having smaller portions, the smaller they will get and the longer I do that, that harder it will be go back to having the full portions again. She was sooooo right, because I found it hard to eat a whole yogurt after just 1 week of eating a smaller portion.. You could compare it to weighing yourself. I would always say to myself.. "as long as I haven't put ON weight, I'm fine, I don't really want to loose it, just to stay the same is okay". But then when you loose one kilo, you still say the same thing. If I were to put on that kilo, it's a tragedy just like eating a whole yogurt instead of half.. it's a tragedy. This is all Anna. Bullying me.
So she told, quit the half portions while you still can, because it's making the road back to a healthy Niamh even longer and harder..
She weighed me, by the way, and I'm still the same weight. I know most of you will expect me to magically be 10 kilo's heavier. But that is just unrealistic in such a short space of time (5 weeks..nobody could put on any big amount of weight in a few weeks). So I'm still the same.. probably lighter since I arrived in Ireland 5 weeks ago. And, if I'm honest, I was happy that I hadn't put on anything. How bad! I know.. But I can't help not wanting to put on weight at the moment.
Then the whole issue came to light, about what is really important.. AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME.. (because I tend to constantly get ahead of myself and worry about things that are way down the line).. At this moment, I have to focus on putting on weight. That's what it's all about. My body has gone into shut-down mode, my organs are only barely surviving, and I need to rest, to get my physical strength back. Every week Diann is stressing the importance of this and that's only because I'm STILL trying to realize the extent of this situation.. (it seems like it's taking forever by the way). If I don't let myself rest, and store the extra calories to regain body strength and rebuild tissue and any kind of muscle.. then I will not be able to see this through..
There are 2 ways I can recovery from Anna
1)The most efficient and quickest way.. that would be to rest all day long, strengthen my heart, body and mind by doing so. No walking, no exercise, no housework, just resting and sleeping, eating all I'm supposed to and drinking my supplements.
2)The long way.. that would be to go on like I have been the past weeks. Forcing myself to do things, always trying to keep busy, wanting to be tired, wanting to feel shit and cutting down on my portions.
You can definitely see the battle between Anna and Fay. The hardest way to recovery is listening to Fay.. because it's unnatural for me. It's seems to be against everything I believe in. I don't want to feel lazy, sit around and eat all day..
The easiest thing for me to do is just to keep on going. Just keep on pushing myself. Feeling good and better about myself the less I eat, feeling more in control the shittier and more depressed I get. That's the easy option..
As My doctor said to me..
"you can either take the easy way or difficult way.. and when something is so difficult, it's because it's the right thing to do.." And she was so right.
Well, I'm not a wuss (at least that's what I like to think..haha) so I'll go take the difficult road please!
Diann said the most girls suffering from anorexia use the drive, motivation and willpower they have (because this is apparently a typical character trade of girls with their own personal Anna on their shoulder), to turn things in the other direction. So the strength I used to become 30 kilo, I now have to use to undo the damage.
It's sounds so simple.. However.. it's not..
In order to shut something that seems so natural to me, out of my head will take so much determination. Because it's like a second nature to me, always thinking about diet, counting calories, weighing myself, keeping fit and not being lazy. Especially when you have led yourself to believe that you are doing yourself good. I have been living by this. But I need to change my beliefs. I need to see that all this "good" I have been doing myself has pushed my body to it's extremes. I have become someone I used to watch documentaries about. When you have this thing in your head, saying that you aren't worthy of chocolate, crisps, nuts, curry, beer.. and you have lived according to this belief for months and months on end.. it just doesn't disappear. Every waking hour it's there. Convincing me that I'm bad when I give in. So I never would give in. I resisted. All that resisting has brought me to this place. Now I must find the same drive and willpower I have been using to resist food, to let myself eat and enjoy food.
For this to work, I need to have so much mental strength. Without it, it's a lost cause. According to Diann, I'm so malnourished that it's just about impossible for my head to be in the right place, to constantly be able to fight Anna. The energy you need to fight something so strong, constantly, 24 hours a day, is a fierce amount. (She told me, that for me to function "normally" and back into normal life, I would need to take 3000 to 4000 calories a day!). The supplements combined with what I eat throughout the day, is the bare minimum. I'm only just surviving.. these are Diann's words.. (If I had my say, it would be "but I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me..")
So not until I start gaining weight and strength, will I properly be kicking Anna's ass (put in your words Mark..). At the moment, "I'm starting to make a stand".. these were Diann's words again.
If I keep on telling myself that I'm fine, I'm never going to get better.. That's basically what it all comes down to. I need to keep on feeding myself. Sometimes girls with their own personal Anna, can eat everything they're supposed to, and still not put on any weight (this has got to do with the metabolism that has changed). That really depends on the person. At the moment, I'm in the early stages, so we don't know how fast I will be putting on weight. But if I'm feeding myself, and taking my supplements, I will be able to at least think straight and see what is happening around me and see life as it is, without feeling depressed (that's how you feel when you haven't had enough calories), and this will give me more determination to keep on fighting to put on weight so I can start living again. I will have mental energy and I will feel human. I will be able to battle.
At the moment I'm in no position to be on top of Anna 24 / 7. The positivity and upbeat energy it takes, is not "normal". Even for people who are healthy, glowing, living a life, working and just being content and happy it's impossible to be upbeat and positive about life 24 /7. It takes up too much energy. I could go into "self-pity" mode right now, but that's just pathetic.. But for me, I'm not that person (I'm not healthy, glowing, living a life, working or happy), not by a long shot.. which makes it nearly impossible for me, at the moment, to be on top of this..constantly.
Usually towards the end of the week, I just get so tired of fighting Anna. Because I give it my all and am feeling good just after I've been to see Diann and this lasts for a few days, if I really give it my all.. and 4 or 5 days later I'm just tired of fighting it.. It drains me completely.
So, right now, I'm doing everything in my power to turn my drive around. I'm going to take more rest, I'm going to take full portions, I'm going to tell myself each timeI have to eat (which seems to be constantly at the moment), "In order for me to get better, I need to gain weight". Some days I won't need to, because I'll be strong, like today, other days I will have to force myself.. But I need to stay strong. I have to focus on sticking to my "menu".. That's what's most important right now.
The way I've been pushing myself the past weeks..thinking "I want to go just 1 more week without putting on weight", then I'll never get better. I'm just prolonging my recovery. Before I know it, it will be October.. then November.. then December.. and I'll still be sitting here, and my blog will probably have exploded from all the writing I will have been doing and the computer will have gone into overdrive or, heaven forbid, the Ice Age will be well on its way...
So, I need to rest, listen to my body, listen to the aches and pains, find out what it's trying to tell me and realize the seriousness of the situation..
The most important thing I took from this session was that I need to turn all my determination, drive and willpower around on Anna and give it all to Fay.. She is waiting for me... it's been too long since we've seen each other...
I was waiting all week for this one, and it couldn't have come sooner.. It was a day later, and I felt it, I was about to explode. The whole day, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just let it all pass me by, wasn't wanting to have any conversations or anything.. I just want to keep all my energy for that hour I was going to spend talking "at" Diann. I was afraid to think about anything else all day long, just in case I was to forget how my week was or how I was feeling.. cause then it would all still be bottled up and it would have been a waste of a session.. and they have become precious to me.
When I think about the session now, I can see that I really did save up all my energy, and all this anger, frustration and a "hyped-up Niamh" came to the surface. This was a massive difference if I think back to last week, when I sat there like a zombie.
This session was focused more on the food aspect of it all. Mainly because it was my first week taking these supplements. And looking back on the week, I must be honest, and say that I did do real well. I started them on Wednesday night, and from Thursday I had to take them myself, without being told or given them (this sounds so childish I know, but when you don't want to take medication that you need for the sake of your health, it can be so easy just to throw it down the sink, nobody needs to know), it was my own responsibility, because mam was on holidays for 5 days. I took them all.. the first 4 days 2 supplement drinks and from day 5 I had to take 3. Mam said not to look on the pack, because it says how much calories are in them, it was right there in front of me, but I was so strong and didn't look. I just didn't want to know. And that took some strength I can tell you.. But I did it.
I did admit to Diann that I had been cutting down on my portions. I just wasn't able to finish any of them, for being so full, sick, sore, shitty and like a fat pig all the time. This, she said, is Anna. Which of course didn't come as a surprise to me.. I knew it. And once I start having smaller portions, the smaller they will get and the longer I do that, that harder it will be go back to having the full portions again. She was sooooo right, because I found it hard to eat a whole yogurt after just 1 week of eating a smaller portion.. You could compare it to weighing yourself. I would always say to myself.. "as long as I haven't put ON weight, I'm fine, I don't really want to loose it, just to stay the same is okay". But then when you loose one kilo, you still say the same thing. If I were to put on that kilo, it's a tragedy just like eating a whole yogurt instead of half.. it's a tragedy. This is all Anna. Bullying me.
So she told, quit the half portions while you still can, because it's making the road back to a healthy Niamh even longer and harder..
She weighed me, by the way, and I'm still the same weight. I know most of you will expect me to magically be 10 kilo's heavier. But that is just unrealistic in such a short space of time (5 weeks..nobody could put on any big amount of weight in a few weeks). So I'm still the same.. probably lighter since I arrived in Ireland 5 weeks ago. And, if I'm honest, I was happy that I hadn't put on anything. How bad! I know.. But I can't help not wanting to put on weight at the moment.
Then the whole issue came to light, about what is really important.. AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME.. (because I tend to constantly get ahead of myself and worry about things that are way down the line).. At this moment, I have to focus on putting on weight. That's what it's all about. My body has gone into shut-down mode, my organs are only barely surviving, and I need to rest, to get my physical strength back. Every week Diann is stressing the importance of this and that's only because I'm STILL trying to realize the extent of this situation.. (it seems like it's taking forever by the way). If I don't let myself rest, and store the extra calories to regain body strength and rebuild tissue and any kind of muscle.. then I will not be able to see this through..
There are 2 ways I can recovery from Anna
1)The most efficient and quickest way.. that would be to rest all day long, strengthen my heart, body and mind by doing so. No walking, no exercise, no housework, just resting and sleeping, eating all I'm supposed to and drinking my supplements.
2)The long way.. that would be to go on like I have been the past weeks. Forcing myself to do things, always trying to keep busy, wanting to be tired, wanting to feel shit and cutting down on my portions.
You can definitely see the battle between Anna and Fay. The hardest way to recovery is listening to Fay.. because it's unnatural for me. It's seems to be against everything I believe in. I don't want to feel lazy, sit around and eat all day..
The easiest thing for me to do is just to keep on going. Just keep on pushing myself. Feeling good and better about myself the less I eat, feeling more in control the shittier and more depressed I get. That's the easy option..
As My doctor said to me..
"you can either take the easy way or difficult way.. and when something is so difficult, it's because it's the right thing to do.." And she was so right.
Well, I'm not a wuss (at least that's what I like to think..haha) so I'll go take the difficult road please!
Diann said the most girls suffering from anorexia use the drive, motivation and willpower they have (because this is apparently a typical character trade of girls with their own personal Anna on their shoulder), to turn things in the other direction. So the strength I used to become 30 kilo, I now have to use to undo the damage.
It's sounds so simple.. However.. it's not..
In order to shut something that seems so natural to me, out of my head will take so much determination. Because it's like a second nature to me, always thinking about diet, counting calories, weighing myself, keeping fit and not being lazy. Especially when you have led yourself to believe that you are doing yourself good. I have been living by this. But I need to change my beliefs. I need to see that all this "good" I have been doing myself has pushed my body to it's extremes. I have become someone I used to watch documentaries about. When you have this thing in your head, saying that you aren't worthy of chocolate, crisps, nuts, curry, beer.. and you have lived according to this belief for months and months on end.. it just doesn't disappear. Every waking hour it's there. Convincing me that I'm bad when I give in. So I never would give in. I resisted. All that resisting has brought me to this place. Now I must find the same drive and willpower I have been using to resist food, to let myself eat and enjoy food.
For this to work, I need to have so much mental strength. Without it, it's a lost cause. According to Diann, I'm so malnourished that it's just about impossible for my head to be in the right place, to constantly be able to fight Anna. The energy you need to fight something so strong, constantly, 24 hours a day, is a fierce amount. (She told me, that for me to function "normally" and back into normal life, I would need to take 3000 to 4000 calories a day!). The supplements combined with what I eat throughout the day, is the bare minimum. I'm only just surviving.. these are Diann's words.. (If I had my say, it would be "but I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me..")
So not until I start gaining weight and strength, will I properly be kicking Anna's ass (put in your words Mark..). At the moment, "I'm starting to make a stand".. these were Diann's words again.
If I keep on telling myself that I'm fine, I'm never going to get better.. That's basically what it all comes down to. I need to keep on feeding myself. Sometimes girls with their own personal Anna, can eat everything they're supposed to, and still not put on any weight (this has got to do with the metabolism that has changed). That really depends on the person. At the moment, I'm in the early stages, so we don't know how fast I will be putting on weight. But if I'm feeding myself, and taking my supplements, I will be able to at least think straight and see what is happening around me and see life as it is, without feeling depressed (that's how you feel when you haven't had enough calories), and this will give me more determination to keep on fighting to put on weight so I can start living again. I will have mental energy and I will feel human. I will be able to battle.
At the moment I'm in no position to be on top of Anna 24 / 7. The positivity and upbeat energy it takes, is not "normal". Even for people who are healthy, glowing, living a life, working and just being content and happy it's impossible to be upbeat and positive about life 24 /7. It takes up too much energy. I could go into "self-pity" mode right now, but that's just pathetic.. But for me, I'm not that person (I'm not healthy, glowing, living a life, working or happy), not by a long shot.. which makes it nearly impossible for me, at the moment, to be on top of this..constantly.
Usually towards the end of the week, I just get so tired of fighting Anna. Because I give it my all and am feeling good just after I've been to see Diann and this lasts for a few days, if I really give it my all.. and 4 or 5 days later I'm just tired of fighting it.. It drains me completely.
So, right now, I'm doing everything in my power to turn my drive around. I'm going to take more rest, I'm going to take full portions, I'm going to tell myself each timeI have to eat (which seems to be constantly at the moment), "In order for me to get better, I need to gain weight". Some days I won't need to, because I'll be strong, like today, other days I will have to force myself.. But I need to stay strong. I have to focus on sticking to my "menu".. That's what's most important right now.
The way I've been pushing myself the past weeks..thinking "I want to go just 1 more week without putting on weight", then I'll never get better. I'm just prolonging my recovery. Before I know it, it will be October.. then November.. then December.. and I'll still be sitting here, and my blog will probably have exploded from all the writing I will have been doing and the computer will have gone into overdrive or, heaven forbid, the Ice Age will be well on its way...
So, I need to rest, listen to my body, listen to the aches and pains, find out what it's trying to tell me and realize the seriousness of the situation..
The most important thing I took from this session was that I need to turn all my determination, drive and willpower around on Anna and give it all to Fay.. She is waiting for me... it's been too long since we've seen each other...
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Dancing Queen
Last night I had a dream.
I was in a nightclub, with some mates from Holland.
If I remember correctly it was a rave.
The music was blaring and everyone was going wild.
But I wasn't.
I was just standing by, looking at everyone else.
Everyone was jumping, giving it their all, totally going mental.
I couldn't. Because in my dream, I was the same person as I am right now.
I'm not able to go wild like I'm used to doing.
I cannot physically party and rave like I'd usually do.
My mates, in my dream, was urging me to get into the swing of it all.
"Lighten up Niamh and go mental!"
But they didn't understand. They didn't realize that my legs weren't able.
They didn't understand just how weak I was.
This dream I think was triggered by Friday night.
I went out with Sandra and Eileen for drinks.
And I was envious of every girl in the place.
The way they didn't seem to have a worry in the world.
(which is ridiculous because everybody has their own worries and issues)
But I would have given anything, to be able to get up and dance, just like them.
I wasn't drunk, because I can't handle more than 2 wines.. my stomach gets too sore.
I just wanted to dance, I wanted to let everything go and become one with the music.
I wanted to dance all my worries away, like I've done many a time in the past.
Dance the stress away and enjoy the music. But I don't even hear music properly either.
Whenever I'm walking along listening to my i-pod, I'm not hearing the music.
I'm hearing it, yes, but I'm not HEARING it.. You get me?
It just drains out the silence of the cars in the background, that's all.
I want to appreciate music and I want to dance like there's no tomorrow.
But I can't. Not yet anyway.
You know what they say.. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".
I used to go out and party like a madman and dance like crazy and it would be like second nature.
Now I not able, I would give almost anything..
When the day comes that I'll be able, I don't want to be drunk.. I want the full experience.
I want to feel every vibe that the music sends.
I want to feel the natural adrenaline that the music will give me.
I want that to be the reason for an unforgettable night.. Pure Adrenaline supplied by certain healthy fats that I have chosen to put in my body combined with the music, the atmosphere and the fact that I will be on a natural high because I will have become physically strong enough to be able to do it.
When I was working in Austria, my nickname was.. the Dancing Queen..
I will dance again..
I was in a nightclub, with some mates from Holland.
If I remember correctly it was a rave.
The music was blaring and everyone was going wild.
But I wasn't.
I was just standing by, looking at everyone else.
Everyone was jumping, giving it their all, totally going mental.
I couldn't. Because in my dream, I was the same person as I am right now.
I'm not able to go wild like I'm used to doing.
I cannot physically party and rave like I'd usually do.
My mates, in my dream, was urging me to get into the swing of it all.
"Lighten up Niamh and go mental!"
But they didn't understand. They didn't realize that my legs weren't able.
They didn't understand just how weak I was.
This dream I think was triggered by Friday night.
I went out with Sandra and Eileen for drinks.
And I was envious of every girl in the place.
The way they didn't seem to have a worry in the world.
(which is ridiculous because everybody has their own worries and issues)
But I would have given anything, to be able to get up and dance, just like them.
I wasn't drunk, because I can't handle more than 2 wines.. my stomach gets too sore.
I just wanted to dance, I wanted to let everything go and become one with the music.
I wanted to dance all my worries away, like I've done many a time in the past.
Dance the stress away and enjoy the music. But I don't even hear music properly either.
Whenever I'm walking along listening to my i-pod, I'm not hearing the music.
I'm hearing it, yes, but I'm not HEARING it.. You get me?
It just drains out the silence of the cars in the background, that's all.
I want to appreciate music and I want to dance like there's no tomorrow.
But I can't. Not yet anyway.
You know what they say.. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".
I used to go out and party like a madman and dance like crazy and it would be like second nature.
Now I not able, I would give almost anything..
When the day comes that I'll be able, I don't want to be drunk.. I want the full experience.
I want to feel every vibe that the music sends.
I want to feel the natural adrenaline that the music will give me.
I want that to be the reason for an unforgettable night.. Pure Adrenaline supplied by certain healthy fats that I have chosen to put in my body combined with the music, the atmosphere and the fact that I will be on a natural high because I will have become physically strong enough to be able to do it.
When I was working in Austria, my nickname was.. the Dancing Queen..
I will dance again..
Reflection of both inside & outside
The way I look is bad
The way I feel is bad
Are they balanced?
Are they equals?
Do I feel as bad as I look
Do I look as bad as I feel
Does my outside make me feel worse on the inside?
Does my inside make me look worse on the outside?
Does one strengthen the other?
Does one wear the other down?
Feeling better will make me look better.
Looking better will make me feel better.
That explains why I cannot bear the sight of myself.
That explains why I feel like I'm rotten and old.
It should clarify what I'm dealing with.
It should clarify why I'm down in the dumps.
Some days I will have a look.
Other days I refuse.
Seeing what I want to see.
Believing that what I see isn't me.
Fooling myself I'm on top of the world.
Fooling myself I look fit and healthy.
Needing to realize that I am that person.
Needing to realize that I am that reflection, it IS Niamh.
The way I feel is bad
Are they balanced?
Are they equals?
Do I feel as bad as I look
Do I look as bad as I feel
Does my outside make me feel worse on the inside?
Does my inside make me look worse on the outside?
Does one strengthen the other?
Does one wear the other down?
Feeling better will make me look better.
Looking better will make me feel better.
That explains why I cannot bear the sight of myself.
That explains why I feel like I'm rotten and old.
It should clarify what I'm dealing with.
It should clarify why I'm down in the dumps.
Some days I will have a look.
Other days I refuse.
Seeing what I want to see.
Believing that what I see isn't me.
Fooling myself I'm on top of the world.
Fooling myself I look fit and healthy.
Needing to realize that I am that person.
Needing to realize that I am that reflection, it IS Niamh.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
So much food, not enough hours
Today was so hard. I was trying all day, to fit everything in..
All my extra's, and my supplements and my carbs..
It was a struggle all day..
I didn't eat everything I should have eaten.. I didn't yesterday either.. or the day before. It's just so much.. For a person with a normal appetite, I reckon they would even struggle with the amount of food that I'm eating at the moment.
I'm trying to eat every 2 hours.. And I do, but I've had to half the portions.. or else I'll be full and fat constantly.. My yogurt I have halved.. my extra's are less than a week ago, my dinner is only a few mouthfuls.. and I'm always full, bloated and sore and feeling sick to my stomach every couple of hours. Then I feel all the fatty shit that's in the supplements stretching around my bones on my lower back, my body trying to do something with all calories.. it's like they are being plastered on to me (you know the saying, that when you eat something fatty that you could just stick it on the hips straight away.. well that's what those supplements are doing to me I reckon). And I don't have any say in the matter. I don't have any control over it. I don't know what the hell is in the supplements exactly, but it can't be good, not when I'm sitting there on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my stomach, crying at the thoughts of what I'm doing to myself and what's happening to me and what has become of me. How f*cking pathetic..
It's now 11 o clock at night. If I had my way, I'd now go for a walk, or I'd want to do some exercise. But that's just stupid. I had my supplement 2 hours ago and I now have all this energy in my body and nothing to do with it. I have already decided to go for a walk tomorrow. I haven't been all week, and at the moment I don't really care. Today my legs were too tired, so I just went to the petrol station and back (10 minute walk). But tomorrow I should be fine.
The worst thing is, from tomorrow I have to take 3 supplements a day!!! How am I going to do that? How is that possible? 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 1 at night. I would nearly want to set my alarm clock for 7 o clock in the morning, and be up and start eating from then on, just to be able to fit it all in.. Or I could just not have my yogurt or any extra's or any dinner. Surely 3 of those shitty drinks should be enough to keep me going? I've done it before, easy, but then I'd have 3 liters of green tea instead..
I'm dreading tomorrow, after today being so hard. They just make me feel so bad about myself.
As well as not controlling what I'm eating, I'm starting to feel lost without the weighing scales. The fact the I haven't been weighed in nearly 2 weeks is starting to worry me and freak me out. I sit here and I worry worry worry.. O god, as long as I haven't put ON anything, then I'm fine. I just hope Diann weighs me on Tuesday when I go to see her. I know I've put on weight. O god.. This is the sh*t part of it.. This is it.. It's down hill from here.. with every kilo I put on, the unhappier I will be.. and everyone will expect me to be better once the weight is back on.. O god, this is such a head wrecker..What am I going to do, what if Diann doesn't weigh me.. then I have to wait another week..This is torture and one big heap of sh*t..
All my extra's, and my supplements and my carbs..
It was a struggle all day..
I didn't eat everything I should have eaten.. I didn't yesterday either.. or the day before. It's just so much.. For a person with a normal appetite, I reckon they would even struggle with the amount of food that I'm eating at the moment.
I'm trying to eat every 2 hours.. And I do, but I've had to half the portions.. or else I'll be full and fat constantly.. My yogurt I have halved.. my extra's are less than a week ago, my dinner is only a few mouthfuls.. and I'm always full, bloated and sore and feeling sick to my stomach every couple of hours. Then I feel all the fatty shit that's in the supplements stretching around my bones on my lower back, my body trying to do something with all calories.. it's like they are being plastered on to me (you know the saying, that when you eat something fatty that you could just stick it on the hips straight away.. well that's what those supplements are doing to me I reckon). And I don't have any say in the matter. I don't have any control over it. I don't know what the hell is in the supplements exactly, but it can't be good, not when I'm sitting there on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my stomach, crying at the thoughts of what I'm doing to myself and what's happening to me and what has become of me. How f*cking pathetic..
It's now 11 o clock at night. If I had my way, I'd now go for a walk, or I'd want to do some exercise. But that's just stupid. I had my supplement 2 hours ago and I now have all this energy in my body and nothing to do with it. I have already decided to go for a walk tomorrow. I haven't been all week, and at the moment I don't really care. Today my legs were too tired, so I just went to the petrol station and back (10 minute walk). But tomorrow I should be fine.
The worst thing is, from tomorrow I have to take 3 supplements a day!!! How am I going to do that? How is that possible? 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 1 at night. I would nearly want to set my alarm clock for 7 o clock in the morning, and be up and start eating from then on, just to be able to fit it all in.. Or I could just not have my yogurt or any extra's or any dinner. Surely 3 of those shitty drinks should be enough to keep me going? I've done it before, easy, but then I'd have 3 liters of green tea instead..
I'm dreading tomorrow, after today being so hard. They just make me feel so bad about myself.
As well as not controlling what I'm eating, I'm starting to feel lost without the weighing scales. The fact the I haven't been weighed in nearly 2 weeks is starting to worry me and freak me out. I sit here and I worry worry worry.. O god, as long as I haven't put ON anything, then I'm fine. I just hope Diann weighs me on Tuesday when I go to see her. I know I've put on weight. O god.. This is the sh*t part of it.. This is it.. It's down hill from here.. with every kilo I put on, the unhappier I will be.. and everyone will expect me to be better once the weight is back on.. O god, this is such a head wrecker..What am I going to do, what if Diann doesn't weigh me.. then I have to wait another week..This is torture and one big heap of sh*t..
Cadburys Dark Chocolate Flavored Flake
I went into the shop yesterday, with my cousin Sandra.. after dreaming and talking about food and chocolate. I had to get my "fix".. if that's what you could call it..
All I wanted to do was drool, looking at the chocolate bars.. the selection of cadburys and galaxy bars.. And resist.. I wasn't intending on buying any.. even if I wasn't going to eat it. I just wanted to look and resist temptation. It felt great just looking at it all. For a few seconds I considered buying one. Sandra suggested I buy one, but I don't HAVE to eat it. But, no, I didn't. And then I saw heaven in a wrapper.. A DARK FLAKE. They usually only have milk chocolate flake bars, but OH MY GOD, they have dark chocolate flavored ones now as well..
I was drooling. And was so tempted...
All night the vision of that Flake was on my mind. It didn't take much effort for me to recall the taste either. Dark chocolate is so rich, it gives you the ultimate chocolate buzz/experience and taste.. All you need is just one small piece.. that's all..
When will i be able to go into a shop and buy a dark chocolate flavored Flake? Why was it such a big deal? Is it because I know, once I start a bar of chocolate, that I will end up binging.. I will end up overeating? But the longer I wait to eat it, won't the urge to binge get even worse? Don't they say, that when people are on strict diets, they should eat a small treat now and then, to feed the cravings? Isn't that the best way to control binging?
The last time I ate some chocolate was the first week in June (4 maltesers.. not bags of course..). For some people that might not seem like a long time.. for some maybe it seems like forever.. it just depends on what you're used to I suppose.
If I were to buy the dark chocolate flavored Flake, I would leave it in the press, and just constantly resist. I would analyze if and when to take a bite. I would worry that I might not be able to resist temptation. I would feel strong if I were able to resist it, and I would hope that someone else, here at home, wouldn't be able to resist (like my little brother sean) and that it would be eaten, just to put me out of my misery. So I reckon it isn't such a good idea to buy a the chocolate, because I'll only be listening to Anna. I will have control and I will feel strong. So it's best for me to wait until I know I can enjoy it without feeling like a failure and feeling like shit.
How did such a simple thing like eating a chocolate bar become such a big deal? I cannot wait for the day to come, that I will walk into the shop and pick up that dark chocolate flavored Flake, pay for it, eat it and enjoy it.. It will be heaven.
All I wanted to do was drool, looking at the chocolate bars.. the selection of cadburys and galaxy bars.. And resist.. I wasn't intending on buying any.. even if I wasn't going to eat it. I just wanted to look and resist temptation. It felt great just looking at it all. For a few seconds I considered buying one. Sandra suggested I buy one, but I don't HAVE to eat it. But, no, I didn't. And then I saw heaven in a wrapper.. A DARK FLAKE. They usually only have milk chocolate flake bars, but OH MY GOD, they have dark chocolate flavored ones now as well..
I was drooling. And was so tempted...
All night the vision of that Flake was on my mind. It didn't take much effort for me to recall the taste either. Dark chocolate is so rich, it gives you the ultimate chocolate buzz/experience and taste.. All you need is just one small piece.. that's all..
When will i be able to go into a shop and buy a dark chocolate flavored Flake? Why was it such a big deal? Is it because I know, once I start a bar of chocolate, that I will end up binging.. I will end up overeating? But the longer I wait to eat it, won't the urge to binge get even worse? Don't they say, that when people are on strict diets, they should eat a small treat now and then, to feed the cravings? Isn't that the best way to control binging?
The last time I ate some chocolate was the first week in June (4 maltesers.. not bags of course..). For some people that might not seem like a long time.. for some maybe it seems like forever.. it just depends on what you're used to I suppose.
If I were to buy the dark chocolate flavored Flake, I would leave it in the press, and just constantly resist. I would analyze if and when to take a bite. I would worry that I might not be able to resist temptation. I would feel strong if I were able to resist it, and I would hope that someone else, here at home, wouldn't be able to resist (like my little brother sean) and that it would be eaten, just to put me out of my misery. So I reckon it isn't such a good idea to buy a the chocolate, because I'll only be listening to Anna. I will have control and I will feel strong. So it's best for me to wait until I know I can enjoy it without feeling like a failure and feeling like shit.
How did such a simple thing like eating a chocolate bar become such a big deal? I cannot wait for the day to come, that I will walk into the shop and pick up that dark chocolate flavored Flake, pay for it, eat it and enjoy it.. It will be heaven.
A moment spent analyzing
Sitting here thinking.. feeling that I know exactly what's going on, I know what's happening to me, I know what I have to do now, I've it all sorted. Feeling fine..
And then, all of a sudden, I haven't a clue anymore.. It's all gone fuzzy.. my head is too full again. Just when I thought I had figured it all out.. it all comes back and hits me in the face.. again.. Like a proper punch.. There it is.. And then panic starts to arise..
How can that be? That, sometimes, within the space of a minute or an hour.. things can all of a sudden seem so unclear again. Not knowing where to start or where you're going. Everything is all muddled up again. It's like the brain is playing tricks.. trying to fool you into making you think you know what's going on. When truly, you haven't a clue.
It seems unfair, it seems mean.. But it has happened without us having any control over it, even though it's in your own head. How powerful is the mind, when it does that? It's scary, because you don't know if you can rely on what's going on inside your own head. If YOU don't understand what's going on inside your head, how can you ever expect ANYBODY ELSE on this planet to have any understanding? If you don't understand yourself, how can you reach out for help and guidance that is needed in times of struggle and grief and trust them? If we don't know what's best for us ourselves, is there anybody out there who DOES know what's best for us? When we do find this certain person, they will become our guide. But can they be trusted to know what's best for us? Can we fully depend on this guide? Is that not taking a risk?
We all need guidance, especially when the fog is too dense, when we cannot see.. when everything is muddled. We have to reach out, and be grateful that there is someone willing and able to be your guide, for however long it may take. But then, will we know when it's safe to let go and trust ourselves to be our own guide? Because if you got yourself into a position that you were not able to get out of yourself, how do we know that, when we do finally guide ourselves again, that we won't make another mistake again? Will it be that your mind is tricking you again, by letting you think that you know exactly what's going on, when you actually don't? Is it all fake?
If you cannot rely on yourself to make the right decisions for yourself, when is it safe to let your guide go? Will our guide lead us back to the path we have chosen to follow? What if another wrong choice has been made along your path, and this triggers another choice.. which could also be the wrong one? Or is there really such a thing as making a wrong choice, taking the wrong turn? Maybe it's what we learn from these wrongs that we have chosen? Does it all happen for us to eventually get to our destination, but just by taking the long way around? Does this all occur just for us to appreciate life and what we have accomplished?
I guess what I'm trying to get at, is how, when we have made the wrong choices in life, do we know that the next choice or decision we make, is the right one? When my head is so muddled and scrambled, how can I be sure that I can rely on myself to decide what's right for me?
You see, this is the thing.. 2 years ago, I made the decision to eat healthy... This got out of control and has put me in the position I now find myself. I thought I was making the right choice.. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I knew what is best for me, what would give me more pleasure out of life, and make me happier.. good foods, that's all I wanted. But look at me now.
My head is forced to work overtime at the moment, to get through this. But it's all tangled.. There are so many issues that come to the surface. But I do have guidance, a lot of it, and until I have given myself time to figure out what is going on in my head, I know that the guidance I have been given to lead me back to my path will be there, until I can rely on myself and trust myself again to know what's the best for me.
All this, comes into my head, out of the blue, not expecting it at all.. It throws me slightly off my course.. Because when thinking and convincing myself that I'm getting there, then I suddenly realize that I'm not even half way up the mountain.. The top of the mountain (as my little brother sean put it) being good physical and mental health.
And then, all of a sudden, I haven't a clue anymore.. It's all gone fuzzy.. my head is too full again. Just when I thought I had figured it all out.. it all comes back and hits me in the face.. again.. Like a proper punch.. There it is.. And then panic starts to arise..
How can that be? That, sometimes, within the space of a minute or an hour.. things can all of a sudden seem so unclear again. Not knowing where to start or where you're going. Everything is all muddled up again. It's like the brain is playing tricks.. trying to fool you into making you think you know what's going on. When truly, you haven't a clue.
It seems unfair, it seems mean.. But it has happened without us having any control over it, even though it's in your own head. How powerful is the mind, when it does that? It's scary, because you don't know if you can rely on what's going on inside your own head. If YOU don't understand what's going on inside your head, how can you ever expect ANYBODY ELSE on this planet to have any understanding? If you don't understand yourself, how can you reach out for help and guidance that is needed in times of struggle and grief and trust them? If we don't know what's best for us ourselves, is there anybody out there who DOES know what's best for us? When we do find this certain person, they will become our guide. But can they be trusted to know what's best for us? Can we fully depend on this guide? Is that not taking a risk?
We all need guidance, especially when the fog is too dense, when we cannot see.. when everything is muddled. We have to reach out, and be grateful that there is someone willing and able to be your guide, for however long it may take. But then, will we know when it's safe to let go and trust ourselves to be our own guide? Because if you got yourself into a position that you were not able to get out of yourself, how do we know that, when we do finally guide ourselves again, that we won't make another mistake again? Will it be that your mind is tricking you again, by letting you think that you know exactly what's going on, when you actually don't? Is it all fake?
If you cannot rely on yourself to make the right decisions for yourself, when is it safe to let your guide go? Will our guide lead us back to the path we have chosen to follow? What if another wrong choice has been made along your path, and this triggers another choice.. which could also be the wrong one? Or is there really such a thing as making a wrong choice, taking the wrong turn? Maybe it's what we learn from these wrongs that we have chosen? Does it all happen for us to eventually get to our destination, but just by taking the long way around? Does this all occur just for us to appreciate life and what we have accomplished?
I guess what I'm trying to get at, is how, when we have made the wrong choices in life, do we know that the next choice or decision we make, is the right one? When my head is so muddled and scrambled, how can I be sure that I can rely on myself to decide what's right for me?
You see, this is the thing.. 2 years ago, I made the decision to eat healthy... This got out of control and has put me in the position I now find myself. I thought I was making the right choice.. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I knew what is best for me, what would give me more pleasure out of life, and make me happier.. good foods, that's all I wanted. But look at me now.
My head is forced to work overtime at the moment, to get through this. But it's all tangled.. There are so many issues that come to the surface. But I do have guidance, a lot of it, and until I have given myself time to figure out what is going on in my head, I know that the guidance I have been given to lead me back to my path will be there, until I can rely on myself and trust myself again to know what's the best for me.
All this, comes into my head, out of the blue, not expecting it at all.. It throws me slightly off my course.. Because when thinking and convincing myself that I'm getting there, then I suddenly realize that I'm not even half way up the mountain.. The top of the mountain (as my little brother sean put it) being good physical and mental health.
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