A young girl, a wise lady and me

Last night I had a dream.
It involved an old wise lady, a young girl and me. We were living in a dorm, or a hospital, or some kind of ward, with rooms and rooms and rooms all with one bed each, that were being used for different purposes. I was there, because of the eating disorder. I remember I was talking to the old lady and I was telling her how happy I was that this place gave people with eating disorders a second chance in life. It gave them, or us, a place to recover, a place to receive therapy. It could have even be seen as a place of refuge. And for that, I was so grateful.

As we spoke, I remember being at the stage in my recovery, where I was having my first encounters with the outside world again. I was giving the eating disorder a place in my life and I was stepping away from it at the same time. I was coming to terms with "being recovered". I was stronger and I was willing to help others. I was ready to see what the disease actually meant to me and what it did. I was ready to make some sort of contribution when it came to others who are experiencing the same.

The lady I was with, worked there. Come to think of it, I reckon she was actually a nun. Then a young girl made her entrance. Me and the old lady wondered why she had come to stay in the this place. There could have been any number of reasons..as I already said; it was an institution with multiple purposes and dreams are always pretty vague with lots of different things going on, making it hard to establish what was exactly what. But there are always certain things that are so easy to recall.

In my dream, I didn't speak to this young, tall and extremely skinny looking girl. But I watched from afar and she looked lost. She dragged her suit case behind her, but didn't seem to know where she was going or why she had come to this place. But I knew. I took one look, and I said to the old lady that she in that same place as I once was, months and months ago. In my dream, I was due to leave this institution, convent, dorm or whatever place it was. But seeing this young girl, struck so many cords for me.

She was beautiful but lost. She was skinny but unhealthy. She was willing to get better, but had no recollection from what she was supposed to be recovering. The old lady went to meet her, as I stood by and watched. I could see by this young girls' actions that she was still full of life. I could hear by the way she spoke to the wise lady, that she felt there was nothing wrong with her. What she was doing there, she didn't know. I remember so vividly that all I wanted was to NOT leave that place, I wanted and almost needed to stay. Because I wanted to help her. I knew what was ahead of her. I knew how hard her recovery was going to get and I couldn't bear the thoughts of leaving, and me being recovered, while she was only starting her journey and would need all the help she could get.

I was borderline recovered. Probably where I am in real life too. I was just about to pack my bags. I was supposed to be getting my life back. Branching out in the world. But how could I? When I knew what was going on in that place? How could I turn my back, and forget about that poor lost soul? Could I pick myself up, be happy and relish in the fact that life is so beautiful, miraculous and special, seeing as though I can now properly enjoy the butterflies in my stomach caused by the excitement of being alive? Could I really do that, knowing that there is still so much illness, depression and misery in the world? It's still there but I'm not apart of it. Misery and depression no longer possessed me, I had fought out my demons. But that didn't necessarily mean the end of misery, full stop. It was still being experienced by so many others. Maybe I was scared that if I chose to be apart of that world, of that misery, then I could possibly want to feel that same pain and misery this young girl was going to experience throughout her recovery, which meant I was weak? Or was I not weak, but just being cautious and maybe I simply didn't want to run the risk of her behaviour rubbing off on me again? Maybe my recovery and my illness was still a little too raw to already start helping others?

All these questions with or without their answers, happened both in my dream and in my waking life. Because really it's all the same. This dream didn't really have an end. I woke up and I could recall these questions and feelings I just described. I woke up and they continued to play on my mind. Or, actually, no they didn't. It's only now that I'm rethinking this dream and seeing what I saw happen, that I'm seeing what's happening to me without taking into account if I'm awake or asleep. So it didn't end, this dream. I simply woke up, and it's still ongoing. But now however, it's not about this young girl who walked in, looking lost, dragging that suitcase behind her. She represents all the people who are needing help right now. Maybe my help. And the old wise lady, was Diann. She might not be old, in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense, she is.. Because she's so wise.

For days I've been wanting to do more. So much more to help those lost souls. But I don't know how. I'm feeling so good right now. But I can't shake that feeling that, now I'm seeing more clearly than I've ever seen in years, I'm capable of manifesting so much more. And after this journey, it's come to be about manifesting something regarding the the eating disorder. I'm not weak for wanting to be cautious right now. I'm wise for wanting to be aware or to become stronger. This dream was triggered by what has been preoccupying my mind the last few days. Or perhaps not preoccupying, but simply occupying, because there's nowhere else my mind is supposed to be right now, and there's nothing else that my mind should be focusing on. Could that be the reason for me wanting to do more, with my experience? I feel I can't just leave it be. Yes, I realize that I do need to give it a certain place. That's the direction I'm heading in, or the stage I find myself at right now. But I might not be able to rest easily until I feel I'm doing something more with it.

The main thing that can be done with this soup of emotions I've had to endure, is help others. I've been doing some research and I know how many people have been through this and who are already working so hard for the people suffering. So why would I think I should take it upon me, to do something extra? There are already thousands upon thousands of people doing so much. But then, isn't that a selfish or maybe a lazy attitude? Isn't it true that there's never enough help or support when it comes to illness? Especially not when it comes to eating disorders..as only people who have beaten them, realize that it's actually a disease. Others simply can never know, just like I once was.. I never knew, but I most certainly know now.

It's never easy knowing things for sure. But I do know, that it hurts thinking that I can't, or shouldn't feel that I have what it takes to put some more of what's in here, out there. It hurts to think I'd tell myself I don't deserve to experience what it's like to help others in need. It hurts to think that I'll never get to do anything more with this. But can I? Yes, I know I can, and that's why it hurts so much. So what does a person do, being in the position I find myself in right now? Do I tell myself to "get real" and forget about the others who are suffering? Do I tell myself that I don't have what it takes and force myself to move on? Do I let the idea sit for a while, until it gets overbearing and something more really needs to be done, in order to feel somewhat sane? I know this has served a purpose and I can already see so many of them that have started to take over my life. They are already here, with me. But it's not yet all of them. There's more, I simply know there is.. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.. Hopefully time will tell...as it usually does.

This dream, was so real and such an eye-opener too. What a wonderful thing..

Within and without

Turning towards yourself, looking inside or facing the other way
Placing yourself outside of you, but staring at yourself today
Resisting the outsiders as they try and want to look within
Shouting from the inside then only makes the outside look grim

The outside wants so badly to see what's behind those eyes
But the inside isn't participating in what's there and what often lies
It brings everything to a halt or you might hope it eventually will
And yet that never seems to happen as you wait, even still

Really this isn't what you want because it doesn't feel that nice
As acting to shut off the outside, is going against your own advice
Turning away whilst being surrounded all the time and fully present
Could be the best of both worlds, but when has "best" ever felt unpleasant?

Seeing that turning, as it's happening but not so obvious or apparent
Means a boundary is made or maybe a front that's no longer transparent
A forceful encounter with either yourself, a soul, a feeling or a situation
Only being made not to flow because of the other minor frustration

Getting caught-up and deciding that's simply the way you'll have to be
Brings everything down with the material and mental walls only you can see
Suddenly an adjustment is made by you and the world that you admire
And that moment of inward doubt now belongs to the past and the soul feels higher

After having a vision of such doubt, you suddenly see more clear
That another encounter in that same manner is never anything to fear
Because as you look within whilst not turning away from what or who you adore
Both are worlds you can handle and you can see you've grown even more

Making a sacrifice

Making sacrifices in life, to eventually be able to do what you want, is something that is difficult, but is also a necessity. Everybody needs it but it does take guts. It takes courage to leave one thing, in order to have the next. Not everyone would be willing to make certain sacrifices, not everybody would see the thing they will be gaining as more important or more worthy than the thing they are sacrificing.

Saying goodbye to all the people who are so dear to me, is one of the things I'm sacrificing. In a way, it's pretty big. Maybe bigger than I expected. I always knew that it would be hard. And as my date of departure gets nearer, I'm getting more and more stable in a way, but also more and more aware of how big this sacrifice I'm making, really is. Leaving the little kids, leaving my family, leaving it all for a good while, is something that I've always known would happen. And now that it has started happening, it's almost like I'm turning my back on so much more than just them.

I said my first goodbyes, on Sunday, when I left Holland. Saying goodbye to Aiden and Enya was so hard. But not only that, because at the same time, it hit home that the time is finally coming. The time I never believed I would get to see. It's like I've started walking away from something major, something huge, something life altering. As well, I don't know how long I'll be gone for as I'm keeping my options open and not giving an approximate date.

Everybody's life will continue, and I will become someone who is never around, just like I always used to be known. Everyone will get used to me not being around and the little kiddies will forget auntie Niamh. Eileen has a little one on the way too, so I'll be missing out on all of that too. But that's the choice I've made. I'm giving up a lot and maybe that might be selfish. I'm distancing myself from the daily lives of the people I love most in the world. The people who helped me so much, while I was sick, the people who I have always been able to count, the people who really ARE my world. It was a life that was lived in a world that revolves around certain people and who accepted you and all your flaws.

Leaving people behind, is how I've always lived though and this is what I've always wanted. Well maybe it wasn't. Because leaving them behind, or being so far away from their world, was always the one thing that made me want to be here and live my life like theirs, when I was traveling first time round. I longed for our lives to become attached again and for these lives to revolve and evolve around each others. That way, I woulds never have to miss a beat, I'd never be far away from their good and bad times and milestones would never go unnoticed. I didn't want to have to deal with missing all of these lives. Experiencing it with them, always seemed more a appealing, easy and satisfying to me, when I was traveling in Oz 2 years ago. The choice was at one stage so easy. I'd be wanting to sacrifice my dreams, just to be apart of theirs. Mine would stop as theirs' would become a reality. But that's what I thought was always better, than having to miss them.

Going from one extreme to the other. Sacrificing travel, to be apart of their lives on a daily basis, was like a smack in the face. I remember how soon I realized this, when I came back from traveling a year and half ago. It was all so forced and I felt I again wasn't happy with the sacrifice I was making. I was finally apart of their lives, but nothing had changed. Everything was still the same. I was still as close to them as I had ever been. It was like I'd never been away. That was enough for me to realize that the sacrifice I had made, when I left in 2006, was actually the one that I would be needing to make, the one that I would have to get used to making and still the one that would always be difficult but worthwhile at the same time.

Choosing between the 2 different directions and the sacrifices that each direction brings with it and also the strength of missing either one or the other.. I can now safely say that the sacrifice I'm making at this point in time, is the right one. It hurts like hell, to leave everyone behind, more so than it ever has done. But it would hurt even more to have to leave something of myself behind in order to be around the people I love. Yes, it's selfish but it's right at the same time. Or maybe it's not selfish. If somebody chooses to go to college or buy a house and needs to give up certain other things in life that they cherish so much, does that make them selfish? No, it just means they are doing what want and need in life. I'm doing the same, so why should I class myself as being selfish?

I know this so well, but it doesn't make it easier. Or maybe it does, because I know that I'm doing what I need to do. Being out on my own again and going wherever I please as I follow my heart. Independence that I've missed so much. My own decisions, my own life, my own adventures. With this in mind, the sacrifice I'm making, is okay. I've realized so many months ago, that this will be my way of life for another while. I'm not putting an estimated timeframe on it, because I don't need to. I'll see what happens. And the fact that I'm stepping out of their world, doesn't have to mean that I won't still be missing them, following them and supporting them for afar. It isn't the end of an era, but the beginning of a new life. Or it could be me returning to what I do best. Like coming home, within myself, all by myself.

As I already said, I feel like I'm walking away from something, as I say goodbye to more and more people. And to what? I know exactly what it is.. I'm saying goodbye to Anna. For good. That's the thing I'm turning my back to. Does that sadden me? No. It overwhelms me. And it then suddenly hits home, how much these goodbyes will effect my nearest and dearest. For them it's a loss that I'm going. But is it a loss that is classed as being negative? Looking at it from this point of view, then the fact that they are losing me, is nothing but good. Because I'm better. That's what it represents, so they're not losing me. And I'm not losing anything either. I'm turning my back to a part of my life. But I'm turning towards of new part. I'm leaving something behind, and for that I'm everything but sad. I know that others could be concerned, but that doesn't mean that they aren't happy for me. They don't resent me for the sacrifice I'm making. They know that this is me, this is what I need and want. I can never say for certain what they are feeling. But the one thing I do know, is that they can feel just as overwhelmed as I do, by the fact that I'm on top of the world again and that I'm able to say goodbye to everyone. That's something that would have always been an issue. So I'm not dwelling on it. It's okay.

The nearer the date gets, the more certain I am that this is the right thing I'm doing. I'm getting more excited too. One sacrifice can weigh heavier than the other, but that doesn't mean that one is more worthy or valuable than the other. We have to live this life in whatever way we see as being the right way. And if we choose to make the world itself, our world instead of the people in the world, our world, then that's the way it's got to be. Nothing is forever and nothing is certain. Except for one thing and that's the people that remain in your heart as they know that the sacrifice that has been made isn't a grievance, isn't a regret and isn't a flaw. It's simply natural.

You can say anything!

While I was in Holland I noticed something that I knew all along would happen. I knew that what I've been through would effect other people and it had been doing so from the very start. I guess I was never fully switched-on enough to see it with my own eyes, even though I always knew it deep down.

Some people I used to be around alot, at one stage, and not so much since being in Ireland, haven't always known how to deal with the condition I had. It was a hard thing for them to maybe see and be confronted with. So they chose to distance themselves from me and my blog. They chose to not fully engage with me. This was only the case, for a few people. The people who mattered the most, never felt awkward or uncomfortable whilst being around me. Well, not to my knowledge anyhow. I understand that some people didn't know how to talk to me or how to act around me, when I was ill. But it was never really that big a deal, because I wasn't around them a lot, and I didn't hear much from them either.

However when I was back in Holland, it became clear that not everyone felt comfortable in my presence. Not to start with anyhow. Maybe because they still didn't know what to say or how to act. Maybe because they still thought I was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable in myself. Maybe because they were still wary they would end up saying the wrong thing. I noticed that I was the one who had to prick through that barrier, with some people, just so they would be certain that I'm feeling good again and that they don't have to distance themselves from me and my condition. Because, at this moment, I don't feel like there is a condition for them to distance themselves from.

I know that my progress was at my speed and on my terms and therefore for others it was always the hardest thing to do: "testing the water" in order to see how I'm dealing with things. That's why I had to accept the fact that not everyone was instantly open and comfortable while they were around me. Maybe I was just seeing things, maybe I was making myself feel paranoid. Maybe there was no need for me to think like this, while it was happening. But I do know that not everyone is as capable of dealing with things, as the next person. So I can understand the distancing on their part. And I think I handled it the right way too.. which was by forcing myself to prove to them that I'm well and healthy and just like the person I was a year ago, but happier. I needed to throw myself into their company, just to reassure them that they can do, say and be around me and towards me in whatever way they like.

It's happens to all people who are ill or who are only recently recovered.. You are labelled and people automatically are wary about talking to you. They don't know what to say, especially if they haven't seen you in years, but know what has been going on. And I know for certain that some people can still feel uncomfortable to talk to me while I'm eating. It's like they don't know what to do with themselves and they can't make eye contact. They would rather look the other way and talk to me, if I'm eating, instead of looking towards me. It's like they feel embarrassed or exposed. Or they're looking at me, like I should feel either embarrassment or exposion. But aren't I just like everyone else. I need to eat, just like the rest of the world. I enjoy my food, just like the rest of the world. But suddenly, because I didn't always think like this, now I'm different?? When really I'm still me, the same person.

For instance, at Enya's birthday party last week, there was a friend of Orla's who used to be my roommate, when I was in college, 4 years ago. I haven't seen her since then. She had been hearing from Orla what I was going through. And at the party, it was strange because I wanted to talk to her and I could see that she wanted to talk to me too. But we never did.. because I knew it would be too awkward, because we'd want to talk about what we're both doing at the moment and then the "awkward subject" might arise. If she hadn't have known, I would have spoken to her. But she knew, and I'm not saying I'm ashamed of what has gone on in my life, but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by putting her in the position of having to talk to me whilst being wary that she might be "stepping on my toes". It was a strange situation. Probably because we once knew each other pretty well (as you do when you share a house), and we don't anymore. It might not have been the best time either. This is just a small example. It wasn't a big deal, but it just brought up some of this stuff that I can relate to how other people, who are closer to me and with whom I have more contact than just 1 encounter in the space of 4 years, act around me.

On the otherhand, I admire the people who I haven't seen a lot over the past year and who don't feel uncomfortable when I'm eating and they're talking to me. It's great that not everybody is "scared" of what I've been through. It's so nice that it's not a taboo and that there is no "elephant in the room". Because if I were to be in the company of somebody who had through this, and I hadn't been through this, I honestly don't know how I'd feel to seeing that person eating or to talk about food with them. I can never know really, because I'll never be in that position. It's such a relief though that not everybody needs to distance themselves from that part of me. In a way, with certain people (and I'm not talking about close family), I feel that they want to either forget or ignore what has happened. But having said that, I don't want to talk about it that much myself either. It's happened, nothing more, nothing less. I know exactly who I can and can't talk to about it. And I also know, that just because I haven't spoken about it to certain people, it doesn't mean that they don't accept that part of me and it doesn't mean they are deliberately ignoring it.

For a while it was so important for everyone not to talk about it to me, because I didn't want to and I simply couldn't. It was better for them to distance themselves from it, to a certain extent. Also, not everybody can give a self-inflicted disease a place. They either can't comprehend how such a thing could happen or they can't cope with illness in general. It didn't matter though whether people could or couldn't deal with it, it was just something that wasn't spoken about. But now that things have dramatically changed, I can understand that most people feel they need to "test the water". Being afraid of saying the wrong thing, when they're in my company, is something that most people have felt wary about. This I know for a fact. It's like.. "What can we say to Niamh?" or "Will paying her a compliment, make her feel bad?". I appreciate other peoples' caution, really I do. I just wish that people didn't feel the need to be that way anymore. Because remarks, comments or compliments don't throw me off course or mess with my head. And if they do.. so what?? Then I can turn it around and learn from it. It's all apart of daily life now, and I need to be able to cope with it.

I sometimes wish that people wouldn't feel they need to act in a certain way when they're around me. I want them to see me as normal. I guess for some people it will take time, for them to see me as being "okay" again. The people that matter the most, have always seen me as normal and "okay", no matter how ill I was. I was always Niamh, and that's really all that matters to me. I'm aware that it needs to settle with some people. It even needed to settle with me too.. and I was going through it. So it's fine that some people need a while to feel totally familiar with me being myself again. In a way I'm therefore delighted that I'll be gone for a while. Because all the new people I'll be meeting, know nothing!! They'll just meet me, without that part of me having to be dealt with. It will be such a relief.. Now, I'm not saying that I want to bury this episode of my life and that I'll never tell anyone about it. But it will be such a joy to not be labelled or looked at in a certain way. And all the people that are here and know fractions of what has gone on, won't need to be confronted with adapting to my healthy state of being. I'll come back..and maybe then, all can be forgotten. Or maybe not forgotten, but there won't be any need for caution, on both parts.

At the moment, in some ways, it's still very raw. Whereas, when more time passes, it will have settled more. I'll have other things going on in my life and it will be a thing of the past. A word, a period or a chapter in my life, that will always be there, but that isn't the first thing people think of or see, whenever I pop into their vision. How nice that will be!

My tattoo story - 3

We were in the tattoo shop and I went first. As I sat there, I had to zone-out. In a way to deal with the pain. But also to stay strong and to focus on what was happening. I felt like I was undergoing a transformation and I didn't want to miss that moment. And believe me, I will never forget it. Because it hurt so so much. It was a different pain from the first tattoo. The skin is so sensitive on the inside of the arm. But besides that, there was so much going on. I was actually letting myself have my wings. I was putting something so special on my body and I felt great about it. The fact that my body was physically able to handle the pain, was a big thing. As I sat there, I knew that I was all better. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Or else I would have felt guilty for getting my freedom back, I would have felt I didn't deserve it, and I would have been muddled-up during the days beforehand and afterwards. But I wasn't and for that I was ecstatic and relieved!

The first wing was done on my left arm. Then he started on the second one. The difference of pain between the 2 was big. The first arm was sorer than the second. So I thought I was getting through it alright. But just a minute or 2 before he was finished the last one, it started to get too much. The room started to go all funny, I could hardly hear the noises around me and my head was spinning. He stopped for a few minutes for a breather. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the needle and the pain that got too much. Maybe it was the thought of what was happening. Maybe I was too emotional. Because at that stage I really wanted to cry. But as long as I didn't speak I was able to control it. Maybe it was a combination of all these things, that just made me feel the way I felt. Once I started to feel a bit better, I instantly wanted to be sick. But I just lay real still, and it passed.

It was all over and done with, 2 minutes later. And I was so happy, but didn't have the strength to do anything. I lay there for a few minutes, they gave me some coke (I can't remember when I had coke for the last time..but it was so nice!!!!) and I felt better. I couldn't look at the tattoos though. I was afraid of what seeing them would to do me. So they were covered with foil and then my sleeves.. I'd have the rest of my life to admire them! Then it was Emma's turn. How awful that must have been.. she didn't know what to expect, it was her first tattoo and having to go through it after seeing what it did to me.. But she was great. Now and then all she did was say: "ouw, ouw" and then she was fine. So strong she is!! I must admit that I was raging for the fact that I couldn't just sit there and not make such a drama out of it.. But hey-ho, that's just me.. It's never taken much for the room to start spinning and for the colour to drain from my face. So why would this time be any different..?? I wouldn't have changed it for anything though.

I walked out of there, and felt great! I couldn't believe that it had happened. As I already said, it was like going through therapy, without speaking. I was allowed to be proud for knowing that the time was right to get my wings, for coming up with the design, for allowing myself to get them and for (nearly) being physically able to endure the pain. It was a big thing, and I'm delighted how it all planned out. Getting them done with Emma, in that particular tattoo shop and the place I've given them on my body.. I couldn't be happier!

Another step, that I never imagined I'd get to see. But now, I've got them: My wings of freedom. To look at them, you need to use some imagination to see that they are actually wings. But I know what they are. I know what they represent and I know that for future reference I'll be needing them. Just one glimpse and I'll be able to see whatever I need to see at that moment, be it a difficult or joyous moment. There's so much there, that whenever times get tough, I'll be able to draw any kind of strength, courage, motivation or inspiration from them. For either a sense of pride and a reminder that I once wasn't free and how much I missed it. For some encouragement to always remain free in body, mind and soul. It can be motivation to always aim to be free from limitations, free from restrictions, free from grievances and free from addictions. It's all there for the taking, I can forever be free from physical limitations caused by lack of strength and with that type of freedom I'll be free in the world to go wherever I want or need to be. The root of this freedom, is in the spirals.. freedom comes from balance, creativity, growth and awareness.. Need I say anymore? I don't think so..because it's all in the wings.

My tattoo story - 2

I decided to design my own wings. That way they'd be unique and I would aim for them to fit with my other Celtic knot. So I decided to draw them in such a way that within the wings, there would also be other symbols with certain meanings that I feel have helped me throughout the months and will continue to do so, whenever things get tough. I started with the Celtic spiral. Spirals can represent different meanings. But that's with many Celtic symbols. They all have a meaning, but at the end of the day it's so personal..the meaning to link to the spiral that you draw. I wanted the spirals to be the main "substance" of the wings, but in such a way that as the spirals come together, with a little imagination, a wing can be seen. Each wing has 4 spirals. One for representing balance, one for growth, one for awareness and one for creativity. These 4 aspects have given me so much. They mean so much to me and those words I've come across so often too.

Balance is something around which life revolves. It can be in the smallest or the largest sense of the word. It's about balancing the opposites in the emotional world and the physical world. To have appreciation for experiencing one state of being or one certain lifestyle or one particular emotion or one material possession, someone has to have experienced the other. That's when gratitude is felt, and that's also when we'll know we always have something, no matter how big or small, to be happy about. By being able to maintain balance in life, a healthy state of mind, body and soul is what can be felt. Finding that balance isn't easy but can only lead to something amazing.. A happy you!

Growth is made, each and every living moment. And choosing to see and embrace this growth, can help us learn and experience and move even closer towards becoming our true selves, the person we're meant to be which is simply "complete by being fulfilled". Growing and evolving will always be a part of life, and knowing this, every lesson in life is valued.

Awareness has been something for me, that I never knew existed. Or, more to the point, I knew it existed but had never experienced it before or known what it actually entailed. Now however, I know exactly what it means and the contribution it can make to someones life. I never want to forget what can come from being aware. Aware meaning in-tune with how life is being dealt with and in-tune with what is going on in the surroundings and the effect it could be having, either emotionally, mentally or physically. Also through stillness, peace and tranquility nothing will ever slip-in and start possessing a soul. With awareness and taking responsibility for what comes into the awareness, be they feelings or behaviour, nothing can go unnoticed.

Creativity is what I've discovered throughout the past 9 months that is always within ones reach. It's when choosing to use the creativity, when unique things can come into being. It's amazing to feel it and to express it can bring even more joy. I never could have imagined that wanting and needing to write, would be where this journey would have led me. I never would have considered what I'm considering at this moment in time, if I hadn't chosen to write about my experience. Creativity is so endless and it holds no boundaries. To have that and to realize that it's there and to feel so good whilst using it, is something I never ever want to let go of. It scares me, thinking I'd have to. But I don't. I know what creativity can do and I also know that to a certain extent, it saved me. It's been amazing..

Each spiral has it's own story. And I managed to link them all together. Beside the spirals there was another symbol I wanted to use. And that's the symbol of 3 rays. It's 3 little stripes: the two outer rays represent the masculine and feminine energies and the middle ray represents the balance between both energies. It could also be compared to the yin and yang symbol, but probably more the Celtic version. Having a masculine and a feminine side, means to be courageous, strong and powerful but also for instance, nurturing, intuitive and compassionate. Both sides are recognized, embraced and balanced. It means to be complete.

The design came together so quickly and I enjoyed doing it so much! Once I was in Holland, me and Emma went to the tattoo shop, so they could see the design I wanted, if it needed to be redrawn before getting it done and just for a second opinion as to how it would look with the tattoo I already have. They were so nice and friendly and gave their honest opinion. Which I valued alot..they are the professionals after all. After having told them I wanted it on my lower back, they said that it wouldn't be as nice. The tattoo I already have, is slightly crooked..it's a little to the right. And to put 2 identical designs on either side, would only make it look even more crooked. Which I can understand. I always knew that it wasn't straight on my back, but thought that by extending it, it would look more in place. But, apparently it wouldn't. And she also said that my back would be too small, to have the tattoo extended and it would end up looking like a big black blotch. I felt a little deflated, because where was I going to put my wings now then?? Considering other places to put the wings.. humm.. It was difficult, because the back does seem to be the most logical place to have wings.. Then I thought about my ribs..humm.. extremely painful (the most painful spot I've heard). She suggested to have them on the insides of my underarms.. One wing on either side. Once she suggested that, I was like "Yes!! that's it!! that's what I want!!" They redrew the design, to make it more elegant and I got the idea into my head of bringing in some red, so it wouldn't be too black. So it was all set, I had a few days to get used to the idea of having them on my arms.. and the appointment was made for the following Thursday. I was so excited!

On the day itself, I was nervous, but nothing like I would usually be. Emma was getting hers done aswell, at the same time, so we had each other for support. She was getting her little mans' name on the outside of her wrist.. Aiden, in celtic letters. So cute! Dealing with the nerves, was okay. I just needed to stay calm, throughout the build-up. The other tattoo I got done, was a huge ordeal. I was a bag of nerves, hyperactive, nearly got sick, nearly fainted and the pain was unbearable..I remember thinking I was paralyzed afterwards. I really didn't want this time to be such a big deal. I was calm, but anxious at the same time, up until we were at the front door of the tattoo shop. That to me, was the point of no return (just like skydiving, the most nerve-wrecking point of the whole experience, was getting in to the plane instead of the actual jump out of the plane.. because it was the point of no return). Once we were inside and everything was being set-up, I was okay. I just wanted to get it done..

But as we were driving there, I could have gotten so emotional. It had nothing to do with the pain of getting it done or the uncertainty that it might or might not turn out the way I wanted it to, or the fear of regretting having it done. But just the whole meaning behind the tattoo. It was like another turning point. Maybe slightly bigger than other steps I've made throughout the past months. I was actually getting it done! For months I wanted to get my wings, and now was the time. It was a little like therapy. Accept there would be no words, just pain. But great pain. Pain with something special and meaningful once I come out the otherside.
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My tattoo story - 1

Ever since this journey started, I knew that as soon as all would be done and dusted, I'd be wanting a new tattoo to represent this life-changing experience I've gone through. That was a certainty to start with. Throughout the months, the idea would come to me, now and then.

It was around November or December when I had decided what it was, that I wanted the tattoo to represent. It was the thing that I had missed the most. I started to become aware of the same word over and over again. It would come to me and it would almost plague me in my sleep. The word was linked to most of worries, fears, longings, dreams and desires I had each day. It was also the word that I wrote most about and that came up quite regularly in this blog. From the very start, all I wanted was to experience the feeling that that particular word can give. I had had it, for so long, but it was gone and I needed it back. Just like everyone does I suppose. That word can hold a different meaning to each individual. For me, it had been my all, and it will be again. The word I'm talking about is Freedom. That's what had been taken away from me. That's the thing that I had taken for granted, when I had it all those months ago. That's the thing that would help me along and drive to get better, whenever I would have images of glimpses of being free in my hours of darkness.

Freedom in body, mind and soul. That's all I wanted. 3 or 4 months ago, as I got stronger and gained more clarity, the thing that started to pop in to my mind, that was linked to freedom, were wings. I wanted them so badly. I had visions of me being able to move so freely and able to go wherever the seasons and the wind would take me. All without effort, all without fear of getting lost. I could have written for hours on end about the importance and the meaning of being able experience the sense of freedom that wings can give. (not that I'm a bird of course..but only imagining that a person could have the slightest little sense of such an ability to be able to fly, was enough for me to want a pair..) That's around the time I knew that, once I'd be on top of things and feel safe to close this period of my life, I'd want a tattoo of wings. Wings to fly, wings to soar, wings to be free, wings to go with the flow. Wings to be flexible as the wind of change that leads the way.

2 months ago, I knew that things were going good for me and I had decided that I'd get my tattoo done, the next time I'd be in Holland. Why? Because I had heard great stories about the tattoo shop, near to where Emma lives. And I knew for certain that 2 months would give me time to settle with the idea that I was ready and allowing myself to get the tattoo done. I was also certain that my head would be in the right place by that stage. And right now, as I'm just back from Holland since last night and sitting back at the kitchen table, I've had my tattoo done!!!

I knew I'd go through with it, but never believed I'd finally see the day. A few weeks before going to Holland, Emma said that she was getting her tattoo done, in the same week I was visiting them. That's when I knew it was definitely time for me to go ahead and get it done. After days and days of searching the Internet for the perfect set of wings, there was nothing I could find that suited the tattoo I already have on my lower back. I have a Celtic knot that represents the journey of the soul. Initially I wanted a pair of Celtic-knotted wings, one on either side of the tattoo I already have. I didn't want a pair of feathered wings. They had to be different and not a typical pair of wings..
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