Listening for the Tummy-Rumble

It's Saturday afternoon and I'm so tired. Yesterday I might have over-exerted myself a little.

I was just pottering about the house, but might have been standing for an hour or so, without sitting down, and think that took it out of me.. My legs have been aching all through the night and all morning.

By 8 o'clock last night I was on the sofa, feeling that kind of tiredness that makes you feel dizzy and sick. I was so hungry as well. Maybe because the day had been longer than usual and I had been more active than usual too even though I went to bed for an hour during the day.. I don't really know where the exhaustion and hunger came from. I sat on the couch and I was thinking about whether or not to eat something extra. But I wasn't too sure if I was getting mixed up with my hunger and exhaustion. I felt like I needed to either sleep or eat.. I had to do something to make myself feel better. I didn't want to go to bed, but I didn't want to eat either.. I was almost enjoying feeling so shit.

During the day, I had eaten everything I was supposed to eat. So I sat there, thinking.."what should I have?".. I just didn't know what to eat.. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. At one stage it was after 10. I knew the longer I put off the eating, the harder it would be to not eat, which would mean I would end up eating anyhow but feel more guilt for eating so late. I cracked at 10.45 pm.. But all I had was a 60 calorie muesli bar. That's it. I couldn't bring myself to have something that I really wanted. Because I didn't know what to have..

I knew as I sat there on the sofa, that it would have been the best time for me to challenge Anna, and to act on the hunger. I should have pushed myself.. It wouldn't have felt good, but it would have been the right thing to do.. As I've been told so many times over the past months.. "Choosing the RIGHT option, doesn't always means it's the EASIEST option".. And there's so much truth in that. But what can I say? I chose the easy way last night, I chose the safe option, by having something I have everyday. I chose not to properly listen to what I was in the mood for. The muesli bar was safe. But, in saying that, I didn't feel guilty for having it, which I usually would have done. Because eating so late, is a reason in itself to feel fat and disgusting..right? Wrong.. I didn't feel fat and disgusting.. I went to bed an hour or 2 later and had forgotten all about it. So that was probably a small step.

Today I feel so tired, that I'm relaxed and don't feel the need to do anything around the house or to get active in any way. I got up this morning, thinking I might get a taxi down town. But once I was up and I felt how weak my legs are and how fuzzy my head feels, still tired from yesterday I reckon, I soon put that idea out of my head. I would only walk around, with my head in the clouds thinking of my bed. I feel like I've done so much yesterday that today I deserve to sit and watch dvds or bad daytime telly, even though the sun is shining..

Now, if I feel the need to do something constructive..it will be to challenge Anna...Which means..Obeying my hunger, for the first time, this week.
I took a card from the deck this morning. It told me: "I need to take healthy risks and I have to let go of my fear of failure and success..I have to live my life fully so that I can start experiencing all the wonderful parts of my journey".
I thought that was a sign that I need to take a risk and eat something forbidden.. Something just to make this journey a little bit more exciting or a little bit more bumpy than it already is..

So, The big question.. What do I want to have?? There are a few options I have been weighing up.. Either I could make a smoothie, with proper yogurt and rice and fruit..It would be like rice pudding..delicious.. full of goodness as well.. Or I could have a small toasted pancake with cheese, melted under the grill.. Uhhmmm..

The smoothie, might mean I'd overdo it on the dairy, for today..So maybe I'll make that either tomorrow or Monday.. I can think some more about it. But now, I'm going to go for the small pancake..There's only 79 calories in one..not fats and not a lot of sugar..with a some low low cheese (thanks mam, for buying those..).

Right, I've just taken it from under the grill..I'm not going to inspect it and I'm not going to think about the fats in the low low cheese slices.. I'm just going to enjoy it. Oh my god..that is so tasty.. It's typical American really..toasted pancakes..you could compare them to a crumpet, but not as thick. It's the sweet and the savoury, that make it's so yummy. What a treat.

In Holland they have these "egg-cakes". My Mam goes mad for them. You can't get them here in Ireland. But whenever she's back to Holland, so eats them toasted with a slice of melted cheese. The egg-cakes are real spongy and are sweet, just like the small pancakes. This reminds me of them. When I was living in Holland, if I were to have an egg-cake with cheese, I would have it as part of my dinner. But now it's different. It's not my lunch, it's not my dinner.. I don't know what it is.. But it doesn't need a label of course.. maybe only a label: DELICIOUS. I'm not labeling it anything else because I'm not supposed to be compensating one food for the other.. I'm supposed to be following my instincts..Whatever food, whenever I like.. that's so hard to grasp..

Anyhow.. I'm fine eating this small pancake with cheese.. I've got a cup of green tea as well, of course.. Just to make myself feel a little better.
Thats my good deed done for today..Is time to go to bed yet??..oh no, it's only 01.30 in the afternoon...

The Questionair - 01-11-08

A book I'm reading right now, has given me an idea, as to how to look at my situation right now. I woke up this morning and it was the first thing that came to mind.. Evaluation through a questionair.. it might sound strange, but I'm reading a funny detective book at the moment, and everything is through files, questions and interviews.. So here it goes..

My relationship towards food, as it stands today..

-Am I able to enjoy food?---Yes
-Do I look forward to my meals?---Yes
-Are my portions proper sizes?---Yes
-Do people around me eat more?---No
-Would I be physically able to skip a meal?---No

-Do I feel hungry on a regular basis?---Yes
-Am I obeying my hunger, daily?---No
-Am I scared of feeling hungry?---Yes
-Do I feel guilty whenever I obey my hunger?---Yes
-Do I feel guilty whenever I ignore my hunger?---Yes

-Would I still want to skip a meal?---Yes
-Am I therefore still pretending that I'm wanting food?---Yes
-Do I feel sick whenever I don't eat enough?---Yes
-Have I skipped a meal in the last 2 weeks?---No
-Would I want to have muesli for my lunch or dinner?---No

-Is dinnertime as awful as months ago?---No
-Do I still feel conscious when I eat at home?---No
-Can I talk about what I eat?---No
-If I eat something that isn't on my food-plan, do I feel guilty?---Yes
-Do I still dream about forbidden-food?---Yes

-Do I feel fat?---Yes
-Is my weight more important than my happiness?---No
-Am I worried about my weight?---Yes
-Does a high weight or a low weight, make me a better person?---No
-Would I like to know my weight?---No

-Do I deserve food?---Yes
-Do I need food?---Yes
-Can I live my life without eating?---No
-Can I see and feel the benefits of eating properly?---Yes
-Does admitting to all these good signs make me guilty?---Yes

Last but not least:
-Will I stick to my treatment until all the answers to these questions reflect a healthy mind, body and soul?---Definitely

Pride without Achievement

Express yourself and in what it is that you truly believe
Show the world, it's not all about what you eventually achieve
Use external factors as a way to focus on your internal dreams
Because what someone sees on the outside, is not always as it seems

Depending on your values in life, depending on your choices
Be who you want to be whilst choosing to ignore all the voices
Influences coming from the outside-in or inside-out
Take away what you need or let them go, when in doubt

Being proud of who you are, no matter what you decide to do
Doesn't come easy especially when feeling lonely, sad and blue
Through living your life and doing what you feel is best
Without competing or comparing yourself to all the rest

Pointless and insignificant are words that come to mind
You are just 1 in a million, and forever one of a kind
One soul amongst the billions with whom you share the earth
Only to realize there was also a world with lives, before your birth

Feeling such importance whilst occupying such little space
Isn't realistic, seeing as though nobody will remember your face
So why would you not choose to be who you're meant to be
And stand tall and letting go of everything and setting yourself free

An individual who isn't ashamed, guilty, trapped or afraid
Can be strong and open and have their lives so made
So choosing to be proud of what it is that makes your own personal world right
You can express in great comfort, the dreams that take over each and every night.

A substitute for Ralph

Yesterday afternoon, Thursday, I went to have my acupuncture done. Mr. Ralph was on holidays, so there was someone else to do the treatment. A woman, named Breda, from Dublin.

Last week, when Ralph told me he would be away this week, he seemed a little cautious. It was as if he thought I wouldn't be able to deal with someone else doing the treatment. He said that she wouldn't have to discuss anything and that she would just do the basics and that I needn't worry.. Okay, fine. Not that the thoughts of someone else sticking needles into me, was worrying me anyhow.

Thankfully, she was so nice. We had a chat before she started the treatment. She asked about my energy levels and how I was sleeping. She was cautious as to how far she could go with the questions, as she didn't really know that much about my background. We were talking about how I was coping eating what I had to and it was inevitable for me not to tell her more about the condition. She didn't really know that much about it as she had never treated anyone with an eating disorder before.

It was so strange, because it was probably the first time I'd spoken to a complete stranger about it and feel so fine about it. She gave me compliments, telling me how well I was doing and even asked me if I feel on top of it all.. It was weird to answer and not feel guilty. But I told her, that I do feel on top of it and that I am dealing with it.

She told me that she has a friend who is obese and needs help badly. She asked about Diann and the therapy. Even though she had never treated anybody with an eating disorder before, she did know that obesity and anorexia can be triggered by the same underlying issues. She was so impressed with how I'm doing and the positive effects the therapy is having on me, that she's going to try get in touch with Diann's colleague in order get her friend the therapy she needs.

There was also an article I was reading in the waiting room, a week ago, and the magazine was still there. The article was written by Diann's boss and it was on eating disorders. It was such an inspirational article that I wanted to rip it out of the magazine and take it home with me. But I thought that might be a bit cheeky. So I left it behind. Yesterday I showed Ms. Acupuncturist the article which had all the encouragement she needed to help her friend find the therapy she needs to get better.

I felt so good, afterwards. I don't know why.. Maybe it was because I was able to talk so openly about where I am right now, or maybe because I felt so good that I'm getting better or maybe because I'm proof that therapy can sometimes be the only solution to an illness and that it does pay off. Or maybe it was because, last week, I didn't take the article home with me, but I left it there and it was doing the work it was meant to do and influencing the people who needed it more than I do..
A combination of all these reasons shows how far I've come..Today I'm allowed to admit it, so I will.. I'm not sure if I'll be allowed tomorrow.. But for now, it's fine.

I'd just like to add, Breda wasn't only impressed with me, but also with my Mam for helping me so much and knowing what the best thing was for me, when I started this journey in my muddled state of mind.. xxxxx for you mam..because she's right..

Some background information

When I was with Diann on Monday, she passed a comment about the history of Anorexia. I think she related it to me trying to answer my all-time favorite question: "Was this meant to happen to me?"

There are a number of reasons this happens to a person. I didn't need Diann to go through the list, because I knew a lot of them already and I already figured out for myself that this was meant to happen to me, so it's fine and I'm okay with it.

Diann said that anorexia has been around since the dark ages but has only been identified as an illness in the late 1800's. Back then, there was a different kind of pressure from society and different expectations from women especially, which supported a person's desire to starve themselves. A person depriving themselves from food, was seen as being closer to God. A person wouldn't let themselves experience any pleasures in life, be it through food, drink or even sexual. This meant they were less sinful. As women, back then, were more desirable to men, when they were curvaceous. So when they were less curvy they would automatically be less desirable which would result in less sexual activity.

Today, the illness, is still to a certain extent supported by society and what's expected of people. The media focuses on the beauty of being thin. Nobody can escape from the hype around diets, weight-loss and being the perfect size 8. Even modern technology can support eating disorders. Working in an office and not being physically active on a daily basis, can lead people to think they don't need 2000 calories a day to stay in good health.

Relating these 2 back to me, I can honestly say that I can see how true it is. I was always looking into different diets and reading certain books in the bookshop, to stay in shape. Whenever I would pick up a magazine, I would automatically look for the best slimming-options or the latest diets. The same goes for different exercise regimes. I still do it.. because I've done for so many years, I can't shake the habit overnight. I also lead myself to believe that the human body was made to hunt..that's right isn't it? So, that means it's not supposed to be sitting on it's backside all day and eating.. And the fact that most jobs, these days, require a lot of "resting on ones ass", I didn't see the point in eating that much. On tv I'd see documentaries on how fat the nation is getting..or the world in general, because of all the eating everyone does without any daily activeness. I didn't want that to be me and I wasn't going to be "one of them".

The pressures and expectations society has on us today, in the Western world, are different from other cultures. Different cultures have different views as to what a certain appearance represents. Some countries can see thinness as poverty and curvy people as rich..they obviously must have money to feed themselves. They see curves as something a person should be proud of. For example, I think it's in Indonesia, the women look so relaxed in their faces.. I read somewhere once, that this has to do with the stomach muscles. In the Western world, especially women, feel they have to suck in their tummy all the time when they wear tight clothes. Women get into the habit of never relaxing their stomach fully, which means they don't breath through their stomachs and go through life taking shorter breathes, and this causes more tension in their facial expressions...constantly. In other cultures however, women are proud of their stomach, and relax their muscles which means they breath through their stomach causing them to have a much more relaxed appearance.

This, again, is something I can relate to. I've always had an obsession with having a flat stomach. Why? I don't know, just because it would represent me being fit.. Doing 1000 belly crunches as often as possible was just a minor activity that supported my abs to stay strong. The benefits of having firm abs are more than not having firm abs (a stronger back and a better posture)..
That's why, at the moment, I'm having big problems with how my stomach is looking. I'm not happy with it and it's just getting bigger. If I could work on forming a healthy relationship with stomach muscles, then I'll be making a lot a progress. I don't know how really.

What is the point of looking into all this? Well, to put it bluntly, the pressure from society, the media and what someone's appearance has become to represent, makes me mad.. Why should anyone care? It's so hard to turn off to what we're surrounded by, because people live accordingly. But seeing this and turning off to it all, could cure so much.. I hope I'll be able to one day and just be whoever and look whatever way I want..

Positivity in Moderation

I can't believe how much better I feel after my last post. My mood has turned and I'm calm again.. But then the positivity can set it, and get too much..
It can set me off again, thinking I'm all cured, because I'm feeling cured and relaxed with a clear mind.

I can only take positivity in small dosages. I've started to notice this the past few weeks. If I'm happy and I'm writing and discovering things, people around get so happy too. Which I sometimes need, to pull me out of the isolated state of mind I can get myself into.. But it can be overwhelming at times. For me to be able to cope the guilt I feel whenever I'm feeling good and interacting with people, I have to take a step back on a regular basis. Otherwise I just ruin the good days for myself and for others.. I don't want that. I'm just being myself, even when I am in a good mood. If being myself when Anna kicks in too. When she reminds me I'm being too normal and having too much fun, I can only ignore that for a certain amount of time.. The longer I try to ignore, the more guilt I'll feel, when she does finally break me down.

I'm giving her less and less control. The control she does have, can be short but very forceful. However if I manage to get through those temporary setbacks, then I deserve to feel good for another while..be it a few hours or a few days..

She will become weaker with time. She doesn't make me as grumpy as she did up to a few weeks ago. If she is wrecking with my head, I'm now capable of being aware of it and listening to it, but not acting on it. I can still be in a normal mood even when I have a battle between Anna and Fay going on in my head all the while telling myself "I need to be just be myself".. This shows me that I'm stronger, and more focused as I'm able to have two things going on in my head without it totally taking over my head. I can still function and still interact. It doesn't always have to take over my life..

The one thing she still has so much control over, she won't let me talk about myself to anybody. I'm not allowed to say things outloud. Telling people "I love you.." can be tricky. Or talking about my plans or what I'm thinking of doing in months to come. Talking about how I'm feeling, I can't. I close up and freeze almost. I can't talk about things that I love. It's like I'm not allowed to express things that make me feel happy.. I'm already getting enough or maybe too much enjoyment for eating.. So talking outloud to Mam or my sisters about me, expect to Diann, still is an issue. I used to talk to Mam about everything. At the moment, she knows everything, but only through this blog and through the hours spent with Diann.

I should get this back and everything will only get easier with time, I know it will and soon I won't feel bad for listening to my body and acting on it's needs. I won't feel guilty for being good to myself and for learning to love myself or expressing myself in daily life. I have faith that the positive person I am, will come back and I won't shut it out or feel bad about it. I won't feel like I'm lying to myself or to the world and it therefore will feel good, because I'll be being true to who I am..and who I am is positive.. But for now, I have to tell myself.."positivity in moderation" and If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that honesty gives me a good feeling.. So I won't be pretending, it will come natural, I'll be able to recognize it and it will feel right at the time..

Chicken - Sit-ups - Housework

It's Thursday morning and I need to slow down.. I've been running around like a blue-ass-fly for the past hour. I'm beat, I'm done..

Last night, I ate too much chicken. It was a load. I knew when I saw it, that it would be too much, but I used to be able to eat that same size portion. So I wanted to try. Half way through, I was full. But I wasn't able to stop. I knew if I were not to eat half of it, that I wouldn't be satisfied and it would only give me a reason to eat more than I should, throughout the rest of the evening. I didn't want to give any control to Anna..even though I was full. So I finished it.

But I was sorry afterwards. The rest of the night, I felt like I was going to explode. My stomach was so swollen and sore. I could hardly breath for 2 hours..and then I had to have a muesli bar. I was full, but I ate it, which made me feel worse. I had decided that, in order to be able to breath properly, I needed to skip a supplement drink, that I usually would have at 9.. I was starting to want it, by 09.30.. But I ignored the craving..and I then cracked at 10.30 and drank it anyway. I knew if I were to skip it, that I would feel bad, but drinking it as well would also make me feel bad. So it's then that I needed to think rational..Doing both feels bad, so I therefore needed to do what I knew, deep down, was RIGHT. Having the drink at 10.30 was far later than I would usually have it, so that made me feel worse.. It meant that I had to go to sleep with the drink stuck in my stomach, along with nearly a whole chicken.. That can't be good.. So I wasn't allowed to go to bed before midnight and then I had to read for as long as possible just be allowed to sleep to properly.

I was able to forget about the chicken and supplement drink, once I had worn myself out reading.. I fell asleep and woke up, feeling sick with the hunger.. It was still dark so I don't know what time it was, and I was tempted to get up and have my breakfast extra early..because I felt so sick. Or maybe even have 2 breakfasts.. But I didn't. I fell back to sleep and got up around 09.00.

How is it possible that, even though I did nothing since eating what felt like a whole chicken and having an energy drink, I still managed to feel sick with the hunger not even 12 hours later? I did nothing to burn it off..I felt so bad. But I knew I couldn't restrict myself.

I was pleased this morning, thinking back on last night, that I had made the right decision to have the drink. Otherwise I would have felt bad for giving into Anna so easily. I got up at 9 o'clock and would have loved to let all the food sink a little bit more, so I would deserve my next meal a little bit more than usual and therefore I would be allowed to enjoy even more than I already do. But I had to shut these thoughts out. I had to forget about restricting and about why I'm shouldn't let myself have food. I had to tell myself why I SHOULD have food and ignore the guilt and the full-feeling.

But after doing all this, without realizing or thinking about it, I set about doing things. Keeping busy and looking at the clock. Because all I have been able to think about since the chicken, is that I'm not doing anything to use the food. It's all turning to fat. And my stomach is getting fat. I can't see my muscles anymore. There's a layer of fat covering them now and I hate it. It's all I can think about... the big gut I'm creating by choosing to stuff my face. I hate it so much. I want to do sit-ups, and keep my muscles strong. Because if I let them go totally, I'll never get them back again and I'll hate myself in months to come for not realizing what I was letting slip away from me.

I don't have any control and I'm listening to what everybody else is telling me to do, and I'm doing everything but I really don't want to. I almost resent everybody for it..And I don't know why. Because it's not them that's doing it, it's me. I'm forcing myself to keep being non-active and to keep on eating because deep down I know it's the right thing to do, but it doesn't feel right at all.. Well, not today anyhow. Maybe tomorrow it might. But I want to get active, so badly..

Sitting down, behind the computer, I forced myself to stop running around and being active. This was the only way I would have been able to get myself to stop. Because at the moment, if I'm not writing or being productive for the good of my health, Anna kicks in and takes over and I can't let that happen. I asked myself: "Do I feel good about myself, after sweeping the floor?".. Well, to be honest, it gave me a feeling that I deserved the slice of toast I'm supposed to have. Which is the wrong reason. If my reason would have been that I'm helping Mam out with the housework, then it's different right? That's the answer I should be able to give, but if I do, I'm just telling a little white lie.

So I then asked myself: "What would make me stop making my day worthwhile for Anna and still give me a sense of accomplishment?".. The only answer, is writing. I didn't think I had anything to say. If my body wasn't telling me that I was tired after doing some housework, I would have carried on, and not slowed down and everything that I've just babbled about on this post this morning, would have built up inside, causing a minor break-down over the following days.

Isn't it strange how it all works? The mind is weird and wonderful thing.. Extremely powerful with a "mind of it's own.."
It's just as well I have so much time on my hands, or else I'd never figure all this out.. But that's a major part of the recovery..Seeing my downfalls that have gotten me to where I am right now, and seeing the possibility of change and the effects it can have..

Pleasure and Pain

It's Wednesday afternoon and the past 2 days have been so strange.
Monday and Tuesday evening, at 7 o'clock I was ready for the day to end. I was just wishing the day away. Why couldn't the time just go a little bit faster? Why was I feeling so tired and lifeless? Why am I so emotional? Anytime I've been alone, all I could do was cry.

Heartbroken is how I've been feeling, and it can feel awful, but feeling that bad, surely should be good for me, in a way? I can enjoy feeling so low..It keeps me sane.. However, the past two days, I was aware I needed to get my mind off everything. I needed to occupy my mind with other things. But thinking about other things, would make me feel bad, so I'd drive myself insane, cause an instant headache and force myself to work through things. The headache was probably just my body telling me that I'd done enough for the a few days. But I didn't want to occupy my mind with anything else. Because I'd be doing knowing good for Fay.. I feel I have to focus on either one of them, all the time, or else I won't get through this.

I instantly know I'm over-analyzing everything, and sometimes even creating problems where there aren't any..Because I'm eating and therefore I'm fine.
It can be so tiring to keep my mind off everything, whenever I can't or don't want to think about Anna or Fay. But I should be allowed to think about other things. Maybe it's what I need to do, even if I have to force myself. Because I'm doing all I can for Fay.

I didn't want to speak to anyone or be chatty or even polite.. Isolation can be the best thing for me, at the best of times.. If I don't isolate myself, I feel normal and then I need to get back to normal life, which I'm not yet able for. Being isolated, means I don't have to think about the world outside, about what I'm missing out on, I don't have to interact, I don't have to do anything..Just be me..

Last night, I was in bed, I didn't want to sleep and it like a chore, almost like torture. Whereas Monday night, I fell asleep at 9 o'clock but last night I would have preferred to sit up all night in front of the tv and read my book. The same thing kept me awake for ages.. All I kept on thinking about was how huge I'm going to be. I look at photo's of me from a few years back. A fat face, ugly and disgusting..And that's the image I have of me, in months to come. It's so wrong, because I don't want to be like that again, but everyday I'm forcing myself to become that ugly person again. I'm forcing myself to be fat by feeding myself constantly. But I have to and I keep on doing it.. Just eating.. and dreaming about it..

I dreamt about a glass of wine, a few nights ago. A rose.. It was delicious and I was allowed it. I didn't binge drink, I just enjoyed one glass. How nice it was.. I would love for nothing more, than to sit down and chat to anybody..doesn't even matter if I know the person or not, and enjoy a drink and not feel guilty.. I don't want Anna lurking over my shoulder and telling me it's wrong. Because there is NOBODY judging me.. which means Anna is also NOBODY..

Maybe I need to take a step back. Maybe I'm moving along too fast. But I think I'm keeping up.. I think I'm where I'm supposed to be.. It just feels so wrong..everything. I've been thinking so much about exercise, because I can feel my arms getting bigger and my bones are disappearing. Why can't I start working on my muscles, to regain my strength? I want to, so badly..

I had a delicious dinner last night, by the way. But nobody is allowed to know. It was noodles with prawns and peppers, with a garlic and coriander marinade. It was so delicious. You know when you enjoy a meal so much, the next day you can still talk about it? Well that's how nice it was, but the "pleasure" of the dinner and then waking up this morning and looking forward to my breakfast and still with the delicious prawns on my mind..seems so much.. I enjoyed it last night, and still am enjoying and I had to put myself through more enjoyment again by eating a yogurt with nuts and muesli and fresh orange juice as well. Surely it should be forbidden to feel so much enjoyment when eating meals..It's just as well that I'd isolated myself because too much positiveness around me, would have had me overflowing with guilt.. If I were to enjoy food and drink and somebody's company and laugh, all in the space of 12 hours..that's bad stuff..

I don't know where all this has come from, I don't really care either.. But positiveness in moderation is all I can deal with right now.

Living on adrenaline

The past week I've been worried about how active I used to be, and how non-active I am right now. Back in July and August, I thought that by October my energy would have come back. But this isn't yet the case, unfortunately. My worries were triggered by Mr. Acupuncturist saying that I need to get a little exercise each day for my circulation and an email I got off a friend of mine.

I'm not half as weak, physically as I was weeks ago, but I'm still not feeling energized like I used to. I spoke to Diann about it yesterday. She said exactly what I was thinking.. That society, be it work, family or friends, seems to have certain expectations as to how long a person should be sick or how long a person should take to get back to good health. If I were to let myself be mislead by other peoples expectations, then I would never give myself the time to get through this, completely. Well, that's how it feels to me and Diann said yesterday that she doesn't want me doing any exercise. Maybe only things around the house, but that's it, for now anyway.

In her opinion, it took me so long to slow down and to stop, in order for me to take a breather and let myself recover, that it's still not time for me to take back on the world. It's too soon. I know she's right. Sometimes I know that this is how my recovery is supposed to be going. Mentally I'm probably further along than I am physically. Even though I'm putting on weight, I'm not as strong and fit as I was 6 months ago. Which sounds strange, but it's true.

It wouldn't feel right for me to go for 10 or 15 minute walks each day. I would be forcing myself and I'm the only one who can feel if it's time or not, to take on more. And right now, it's not.. Being weaker than I usually am, is stopping me from taking on too much, and it's forcing me to resist any urges I have to get ahead of myself. Because I know if I was physically able to walk 15 minutes, I would. This would only slow my recovery down in the long run. If my body felt able to take on the world, it would, whether or not my mind was able to cope.. So this is how it's supposed to be. This is how it feels right to me.

Diann also said that it's taking so long for my energy to return because I was totally burned-out, without realizing it. Living life in the fast-lane took it's toll, and now, slowing down is probably the best thing I'll ever do. She has faith the I'm restoring and rebuilding my body and that my energy will return.. But will I be active again? I don't know.. will I run through life? probably, but at a different pace. She's concerned that once my energy does come back, that I'll just totally be overwhelmed and get ahead of myself. If that's the personality I have, then it's a downfall and I'll need to be aware of when I'm pushing myself too much and when I need to calm down..

Energy that I will start to feel again, if I can channel it right, then it will be sustained energy. I could be laid back and still be energized. Which seems strange to me, because I always figured that laid back people aren't energetic and for some reason I never wanted to be classed as somebody laid-back or non-energetic.. But these two aren't the same because Diann got me thinking about it and I know lots of people who are laid back, but not lazy and who are still full of life and energetic.. Sustained energy doesn't run a person into the ground. According to Diann I was living on false energy.. Or living on adrenaline. I was constantly looking for the next place to find it and once I'd found it and knew I was going to get my adrenaline-fix, I would get more energy.. Who can go through life living like that, without running themselves into the ground? It's impossible to keep it up..and that's not even taking food into consideration. People living on adrenaline and eating a healthy diet, still wouldn't be able to keep up the pace. So it's no wonder that I'm now feeling the "pinch"..not eating and running through life..it caught up with me..

I'm currently de-adrenalized.. my body is recuperating and that's why it's taking longer for my energy to come back. I shouldn't worry because if it's in my nature to be energetic and if I keep on concentrating on just being me and being true to myself, then I'll soon start feeling the benefits. And if I turn out to be more laid-back, what would be wrong with that? I am who I'm meant to be.. That's all, nothing more, nothing less..and for now, I'm slow because that's how I'm meant to be to get through this period.

The story so far - Part 4

The realization of what has been happening the past months might be hitting home and that this is all about self-recovery. The illness is caused by the power of the mind, and so is the recovery. It has triggered a lot of other stuff as well from the past. Things people have said and things I have done that could have influenced me..

For weeks things have been going around in my head, but I've been afraid to say them. Yesterday I knew I had to. Or else it would keep on haunting me. I had read the letter and was still having the whole "out-of-body-experience" and waiting for the world to stop turning..I suddenly knew, this is it..So I looked at Mam, and suddenly I was back down on this planet, I was still here, I was still dealing with Anna..Everything is still happening and life is still real. So I had to say what it was that was bugging me..

I remember years ago, when I was 17 or 18 and at home, now and then we would talk and maybe even compare ourselves to each other. That's just how it goes, with 4 teenage girls.. Everyone with a different personality, different energy and a different approach to life. One day, Mam said that if there was any of us 4 girls that would develop an eating disorder, it would be me. I said this yesterday, and Mam was still adamant..Because she was right after all. But I remember how that made me feel. I felt special, and I even agreed with her. It was almost like I was the "chosen one". For Mam to think that I had the determination to go through so much in order to be skinny, made me feel proud of myself. But I told myself, back then, that it only happens to teenagers, not to adults, so it will never happen to me.

I felt awful saying this yesterday, but Mam wasn't offended. It just shows how well she knew me.. I wondered for the past while, if that conversation that stuck in my mind, and I felt the need to prove that I could become anorexic.. But it isn't as straight forward as that. It only happens to people with a certain determination, certain genes, certain personality and it can even be medical. Not all people can say: "It's easier for me to just NOT eat". But I have said it several times. Only people with a certain level lectum in their blood (this controls the amount of fat your blood-cells need), have the ability to be able to run wild without eating properly..

I've always had issues with food. I would never eat when I was little. I never ate veg, potatoes, red meat..I didn't like any of it. I would go through periods of just eating yogurt, and then spaghetti, and then beans.. It would become obsessive and it would only take one comment for me to do a 180 and despise a certain food and get hooked on another. For instance..when I was around 7 or 8, I used to eat beans all the time, until my grandad told me that if I were to eat anymore beans, I would turn into one..So that was that, I never ate beans again..

There were other things that I started to remember as well. Things that I have blocked out or things that I didn't see the importance of a the time. I remember a few weeks before I went to Oz, I was sitting in the back garden with my dear friend Natasja, and I was talking about my weight. I was 48 kilo's. She asked me, what would I do if I were to loose a kilo. Would I mind being 48 or 50 kilo's again? I said I would. I knew I would try to keep off the kilo that I had lost. She even said to me: "But Niamh, then it will never be enough, will it?".. She was right and I probably knew that there was a problem back then. That was over 2 years ago. But I chose to ignore it.

In Oz, Melbourne, my second week of backpacking, I met an English girl, Lucy. I only knew her a day, and we got pretty close. She told me that she used to be bulimic. She had never gotten any professional help and didn't talk to anybody about it but she managed to deal with it and had gotten passed it.. I told her that I didn't need food either, and how disciplined I was and how easy it is for me to resist food. She was envious of me being so disciplined.. This gave me an extra boost. She even said if she was able to resist food, she would, be she can't so she would vomit instead. The one piece of advice she gave, that stopped me from ever vomiting, was that if you make yourself sick once, then you know how easy it is to do it again. You won't be able to stop.

Months later I remember being at a Thai restaurant in Darwin. We were with a big group, and had a table full of food.. so much to choose from. I had been starving myself for days, because I knew I was going to a restaurant. I ate and ate and I couldn't stop. I had lots of booze as well, so I started to feel like a pig, overweight, fat and repulsive. I went to the toilet, knowing that this was the moment I'd been dreading.. This was it, I needed to get all the food I'd just stuffed myself with, out of my system. I stood in the toilet, the cubicles weren't closed off. So people outside the toilet would hear me being sick. There were people walking up and down..so I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it, because everyone would hear it.. I felt awful for not being able to do it, but at the same time I knew that the lay-out of those toilets, saved me from going down that road..and I still reminded myself what Lucy said to me.. Never go there..so I didn't.

When I was traveling, I remember there was one day of me being home-sick. It was the 13th of July, last summer. I had spent nearly a month traveling the west coast, partying and just going wild. I hadn't worked for nearly a month. I had been drinking and eating excessively. On the day that I got so home-sick, I was talking to a girl I was traveling with, Jodie. I was telling her how worthless I felt, how much time I had wasted being in Oz, doing nothing productive and how miserable I was. I wasn't working and I was just eating and drinking whatever I wanted.. The combination of all these feelings at once was too much, and within a day I had found a job as a waitress, and I had said to Jodie that I wasn't eating anymore fast-food and I was only going to drink vodka with orange juice. From that day, I only let myself eat fruit, veg, yogurt and muesli.. Because the way I had been living, I was having too much fun, and I didn't deserve it. I had to change things, or else I couldn't deal with the turmoil inside my head.. and so I did. Looking back, that's probably when Anna really kicked in, with full force.. I was allowed to have fun, and lots of it, but in return I worked 10 hour days, running as fast as I could around the Italian restaurant and eating nothing.. I was compensating it brilliantly..

This realization only came to me, over the past day or 2.. I'll never forget that day I felt so awful..But now I can see why.. It was Anna all along, but I'm great at picking myself up and getting on with whatever needs to be done, so that's what I did..Until now that is.. Now it's all coming out..

I'm not looking for a reason anymore as to why this has happened to me, not like weeks and weeks ago, when that was the thing I would ask myself daily. It isn't about blame, it isn't about pointing the finger, it isn't about regretting how I chose to live my life. It was meant to happen. Traveling and pushing myself for years, was setting myself up for down-fall. It happened pretty fast, but I think the recovery is too.. I suppose that's just how I'm used to doing things..just get them done, with as little hassle as possible..

There was more said yesterday.. But for now, that's it.. Last night I was exhausted and the past few days I've felt like I've lost so much, because I've owned up to so much.. It's unreal how dealing with so much grief, can tire you so much. I feel lifeless and out of whack.. I don't want to speak and I don't want to think too much.
I don't want to laugh, I just want to be alone and cry. Yesterday's session was one of the hardest.. Afterwards, Mam gave me a much deserved hug and then I was wiped-out.. Game-over..

The story so far - Part 3

Only read this post, if you have read part 2...
I was still sitting with Diann. I had just finished reading the letter and I wasn't on this planet. I sat there, and it was like I had just turned myself inside out and every thought and emotion that I had felt whilst writing the letter and reading it, just came out.. It was like my head was just overflowing, everything was just spilling out, my thoughts weren't only confirmed through writing, but now also through speech. I couldn't stop them, I didn't want to. I wasn't even addressing them to anybody, just to myself, to Fay, but instead of them being inside my head, they were now passing my lips. I didn't care if I was making sense or not because to me, it felt right. My thoughts and worries are my own and who is to say if they make sense or not..

The world didn't stop turning. I didn't curl up and want everything to just stop.

Diann asked me if there were things that shocked me.. Because things can go around in your head, but they don't become real until you write them down or say them outloud. The thing that shocked me the most..even though I've known it for weeks now.. The fact that I was willing to die for Anna.. How did this all of a sudden come to light? I've been able to think back over the past months, and thoughts I once had and chose to block, I can now deal with..

I'll never forget, in July sometime, I was getting into bed, half crippled, aching from head to toe, just skin and bone, looking at my legs that were trying to get me through each day, and I said to myself.. I understand when people say: "I would rather die, than put on weight". The fear of putting on weight was indescribable, and I would preferred to keep on living as I was and starving myself instead of putting on weight and starting to eat properly again. I understand how people let themselves die from this illness.

The longer it goes on, the harder it is to fight. It was all a case of good-timing when it came to me taking on this battle. A person can get so malnourished, that they are mentally not able to see that they have to eat.. I can relate to this 100%. It did shock me that I wrote it in the letter. Even though I've known it for weeks. And it scares me as well..

On Saturday afternoon and evening, all I kept thinking about was how easily I could have given Anna more control and how easy it could have been to give in. It would have been easier.. I sometimes can't get me head around the fact that, a person who loves life so much, was willing for it to end just to stay skinny.. It just goes to show the power of the illness, but it also shows the power that I have and was able to use to turn it all around.

I would sometimes remember, months ago when I first went to see Diann and when I was a little depressed, we would be driving down to Wexford, and I would think how easy it would be, if that truck would just knock me down, and end this whole ordeal and I wouldn't have to deal with getting through the hardest period of my life..because really I didn't want to deal..

I've never said this to anybody, I've never admitted it and it scares me so much, that something so awful can have so much control over someone who loves life..But, back then, I would have been happy for it to end.

Saturday I couldn't shake the grief. Crying for having to break free from Anna, but also for ME..Niamh.. How I put myself through the torture and the damage, but also being in such a bad place in my life and still finding the strength to fight for my life.
It's self-recovery.. I can see that now.. I don't want to over-analyze it too much. Because that will just make myself go insane and it still freaks me out so much..
As I wrote in the letter..I'm still fighting her, she hasn't left yet, but she will..

Sorry..Another Time-out.. To be continued..

The story so far - Part 2

Still sitting with Diann on Monday morning and I was going through the whole week. It came to Saturday. That's when I had the nutty fatty yogurt. Initially I didn't feel bad about it.. But I was still upset and exhausted..

Last week Monday, Diann asked me to write a goodbye letter for Anna. She said she doesn't expect me to do this in real life, I just had to put down on paper, what I would like to say to her. I didn't tell anybody in my posts, during the week. I know what this will make everybody think.. Niamh is better.. I don't want people thinking this, because it only puts pressure on me. So I didn't say anything. It was on my mind all week, but I blocked it out, because just the thoughts of putting down in writing what it would mean to say goodbye to her, was heartbreaking. I had put it off long enough and Saturday afternoon, I wasn't feeling too chirpy, so my mood wasn't going to be ruined by writing it.. I spent ages just typing and crying.. I didn't read back over it..I just let it be, and broke down.

I brought the letter to the session yesterday, and Diann asked me to read it. This was so hard..I hadn't read it back, and I hadn't said any of it outloud, but I needed to hear myself say it.
Now that I've told you that I had to write the letter, I have nothing to hide. But I don't want my fears to come true..That you now thinks it's over..because it's not. I'm trusting in everybody who reads this, not to think that it's over. If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't share this.. but I do trust, so I will share..
This is what I wrote.. This is what I would say to Anna, if she was leaving..

Dear Anna,

I don't know exactly when I said Hello, but now I'm trying to say Good-Bye. This is hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, or maybe just as hard as admitting you had taken over my life. I've being trying to find out why I let you in my life and take control. You were a person I would see on tv, a person I would feel sorry for and have pity on. But I welcomed you on board, because I was convinced you were making me happy. You were making me the person I thought I was meant to be. Skinny and yet so strong and proud. But you weren't somebody to be proud of.. There shouldn't be any pride in having a person like you, rule my life..
But the only person who was proud of me, was you Anna.. You thought I was brilliant, you told me I could concur anything, by having you and supporting you and letting you rule my life. You took over and I let you. But admitting this was so hard and even though I made you proud of me, I felt like a failure. You made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. I gave you everything, but got nothing in return. I gave you my life, I gave you my strength, I gave you my power. Every minute of everyday I devoted to you.. And what did you give me return? Nothing.. I was willing to die for you.. I would have died because of you. And you would have let me. You would have sit back, and enjoyed it. You would have been so happy to see me suffer as much as possible. And I was so willing to make you so happy and proud. But it would never have reached it limits. It would never have been enough for you. When would you have told me to stop? Never..
How dare you? Take so much away from me, without giving me anything in return.. I have never come across anybody thinking they are so worthy of just taking so much and never seeing that they have to give something in return..

I will never forget the day I choose to get rid of you.. It was the 9th of June.. I knew you would hate it, you would hate me so much and I would pay BIG TIME..for trying to get rid of you. And I did.. I was forced to give up everything, my job, my life in Holland, my sisters, my friends..I had to leave everything behind, just to be able to fight you. It must have made you feel great, pushing me just that little bit further, and making my life just a little bit harder. As if you hadn't done enough damage already and taken enough away from, you then had to take away everything else that made me a happy person.. I hated you so much for that..

I knew it wouldn't be easy, letting you go, and fighting you each and every day. I could have given in, but I just didn't think you deserved it. If I wasn't allowed to be happy, then you certainly weren't. So I was ready to kick your boney little ass.. I've been fighting you so hard..fighting against everything you led me to believe was right. I've been fighting you to find out what really makes me happy, fighting you to see just how precious life is, fighting you to find out who I really am, fighting you to learn to love myself unconditionally, fighting you to make myself stronger. Each battle was hell, and the war isn't yet over.. But you will leave shortly..

You did me so wrong, you led me down the wrong path, you educated me wrongly, you lied to me about just about everything. But for somebody who really isn't a very nice person, I've learnt from you. I know you hate me for this, I know you hate the fact that I can see a positive side to all the grief you've caused. Sometimes I care, and other times I don't. You don't deserve for anybody to care or worry about you. The guilt that you make me feel, isn't half a bad as the life you sucked out of me. So if you're trying to still control me, by making me feel guilty, well it isn't going to work..because ignoring you all those months ago when I had to start eating properly was a 100 times harder than the guilt you make me feel. You thought you were so strong, but you're not. If anything, you've only made me a better person by causing all this grief and pain. And I know that will make you angry as well.. But I still don't care.

You're not a nice person, but it isn't in my nature to hate people. Even though I've cursed you so much. You did me so wrong, but I'm grateful. You made me look at my life in whole different way. You've made me appreciate things that I've always taken for granted. You've forced me to look inside and see what's really there, who I am and what I'm capable of. I don't miss the life we had together. I don't cherish the months of isolation and torture and fear. But I cherish what these months have taught me. We argued and battled and you'll be going. I was so scared to think of living a life without you, but I'm strong and am only going to get stronger by fighting you. So I thank you for making me realize just how beautiful world is, how beautiful my family is, how beautiful my life can be and beautiful I am. I will miss fighting you as well, you kept me on my toes, you kept me in touch with my feelings and you gave me a reason to get up each morning. But once you're gone it will just be me. Alone. I'll have to keep myself occupied. I'll focus on myself and my own life and focus on living the life that I've been fighting for.
I'll never forget you though. Because once you're gone, I'll cherish the things you've forced me to see. You'll never control me like you used to. There's no way that I'll ever give you that power again. But I'm a better person for having had you in my life and therefore you'll always be a part of me. I don't regret letting you in, and I won't regret letting you go. I don't hate you, I don't love you. I just hate what you've done but I love what I've become. So I mean it when I say "Thank you".. I mean it when I say "I have to let you go".. I mean it when I say "good-bye"...

xxx

As you can imagine, I don't remember ever feeling as heartbroken as I did when I was reading this. I was dizzy, I was woozy. My voice and my heart, were stopping forcing me to stop saying this, and to stop talking it. But I did it. I cried a river for her, and a river for Fay. When I think back to yesterday, it wasn't me, sitting there, forcing out every word.. After I had finished reading I felt a fuzzy in my head, and inside my chest I felt a pulling sensation. From my stomach up to my heart I felt empty and numb. I was ready to just pass out or just curl up and wait for the world the stop turning..

Time-out.. To be continued..again..

The story so far - Part 1

I've lost count of the number of sessions I've had with Diann. It's not important. The only thing that matters is what happens during this hour and the effect it has on me and my daily life.

It's hard to start dealing with a session sometimes. I sometimes just want to put it off, I don't always want to go through every little detail again that came up, whilst talking to her. But I have to. If I don't, it will will remain unresolved or I will forget the importance of it and I won't take away as much as I can from this hour around which my life revolves. It's like a job, it wipes me out and it wrecks my head. But it has to be done. I have to bring it all back to the surface, because overnight or even hours after the session, it can start to sink. It then all becomes repetitive. Everything.. It's like revising while studying for an exam. Over and over again, things need to be brought up and analyzed; things that I thought I'd solved or made peace with. But, on countless occasions, it becomes clear that I haven't made peace with it or given it a special place. Not until that special place is found, will I stop repeating myself over and over again.. and it will also be the time that I will stop ranting and going round and round in circles feeling like I'm getting nowhere.

Yesterday was hard. The past week, just went by, I did what I had to do. I ate everything I needed. I had my first piece of chocolate and obeyed my hunger, 3 times. I did it all. I analyzed everything..Turned it inside-out and upside-down, until it was impossible for me to have missed a feeling or forgotten a sensation. But then when I was with Diann, and had to go through the motions again of how I felt when I ate the chocolate and when I obeyed my hunger, I was different as to how I was when I was actually doing it. Talking about it, and admitting openly that I had enjoyed the chocolate and the toasted cheese sandwich and the yogurt, made me feel like such a failure. How could I be letting myself openly admit to enjoying "forbidden-foods". Food that I had banned myself from even considering eating. The barriers had been let down, just a little bit more, my "leash" had been loosened some more and it made me panic. I was giving Fay just a little bit more of my strength and letting Anna go, just a little bit more. I felt guilty to openly admit that I was fine with it. A lowlife and a failure.

I really didn't know why I cried so much and where these tears were coming from. I didn't feel that bad while I was eating it all. But the fact that I had taken that enjoyment of a piece of chocolate away from myself and that I didn't feel I deserved something so nice, probably only hit home once I realized I'd forgotten how good it tastes. It was only a piece of chocolate. What was the big deal? People do it on a daily basis.. But the as the saying goes "you don't know what you've got, till it's gone".. I got a glimpse of how it feels to treat myself and to listen to the needs my body has and suddenly I could see the importance of knowing that these needs have to be listened to and acted on, in order to be healthy. It's not only the chocolate, but every other kind of food that would tickle my taste-buds.

Why didn't I feel I was allowed to enjoy a piece of chocolate? The answer is the same as every other question I've asked myself over the past months.. I didn't deserve anything in the way of pleasure. Self-destruction felt nicer than anything else. It took this piece of chocolate for me to realize, just how precious pleasures in life are and how important my body is and how I am the only person who knows what I need and that I'm only person that can act on them.
The whole world is allowed to pig-out occasionally and I would happily stand by and watch. I was never allowed to and even the thoughts of it, would just make me frantic. Everyone was worthy, but I wasn't..
That these were the thoughts that would keep me going, each and every day, makes me so sad. I'm only human. I'm a person. I'm not a robot..

Writing this, makes me feel awful, because of what everyone must think. I'm feeling the need to justify is all, as I usually do, just to stop me from panicking. I can't say that I'm now suddenly feeling fine about treating myself or that the guilt is gone and that I'm allowed. It's the nature of the illness, as Diann once said. The guilt of treating yourself can be too much to deal with. That's why I need to take it slowly. Figuring out what I'm craving for and what I enjoy the most, needs to be gradually introduced. If not, it could send me in the wrong direction. It can become overwhelming if I all of a sudden know that I'm allowed to eat everything I want. It can cause panic and fear. And she's right. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed, and even nervous at the thought that in months down the line, I will be eating whenever I'm hungry and I'll be eating what I'm in the mood for. I'm just at the start of a different stage and I don't want it to freak me out..

Being "let loose" can cause me to overeat. Diann said that there will be days when I will eat too much.. I suppose you could compare it to a kid who has never had any toys and is now being let loose in a toy-store, and is allowed to have anything they want.. Of course they are bound to go over the top. All this food, can have the same effect on me. So it's better that it's gradual. Diann also said that whenever I do start to panic, even over the next few years, that all I will always have the food-plan that I've been following the past months. It's safe and it will keep me eating. It makes sense and I just have to remind myself, constantly, that it's all part of the recovery.. I need to learn to trust my feelings again, to trust myself that it's safe for me to eat what I crave. My brain will slowly readjust to my new eating patterns and a varied food-intake will teach me what my "healthy balanced diet" consists of.

The past week I've been trying to find out what the meaning of the word "healthy" is. I would be thinking about food and how I will be around it, in the future. Do I need to stuff my face with chips, just to be healthy and to ignore Anna? Or is this unhealthy? But if I don't stuff my face with chips, then won't I be restricting myself? But I would never stuff my face with chips.. I'm just not a fan of chips.. the same goes for fast-food, sweet, crisps..the list goes on.. But is that real? Or is that just Anna talking? I don't know. According to Diann, it's only when I start ignoring cravings for certain food and restrict myself for the wrong reasons, when it's unhealthy. Just say, if I'm in them mood for chips and I ignore this because of the calorie content or because I already had some a few days ago.. That's when I'm restricting myself and those are signs of Anna. But if I say "No" to chips, because I just don't enjoy them, then that's different and that's healthy.

People who have an unhealthy relationship with food, tend to ignore all their cravings and stick to a certain diet. Then, whenever they do indulge or give in to their cravings, they put on weight and then they go back to dieting again.. The jo-jo effect. We were talking about Christmas yesterday as well. A lot of people indulge over the festive season, and put on weight. This is mainly because they restrict themselves nearly constantly the rest of the year. At Christmas they allow themselves to have all the food they want, they eat uncontrollably and put on weight.. So, I guess, having a healthy relationship with food, means you can eat but you know when to stop and you CAN stop and you can overindulge sometimes and NOT put on weight. I suppose that's my aim. But I don't want it really, because I know I'll be huge..

Going to a restaurant..Now I know why I was never able to choose anything.. There would be a menu of delicious food. I would have to pick something but I would never know what I was in the mood for, because I hadn't had so many of those foods for so long, that I wanted them all. I had learned to ignore the cravings, so whenever I ate in a restaurant, I wouldn't have a clue what I was in the mood for. I wanted it all and after choosing a meal, I was never satisfied.. But that only seems logical to me. If you crave everything, you'll never to be satisfied because it's impossible to cure 1000 cravings with just one meal.

Then there's another issue... When you're not allowing yourself to have something, you want it more than ever. It's "off limits" and therefore you want it more. But when it's no longer "off limits" then it suddenly doesn't seem as appealing as it did when it was forbidden. It's strange. Because, at this very moment, I could eat if I wanted to. But I'm not letting myself, and I'm waiting a little while longer, to be hungrier. This means, that I could drool over everything in the cupboards. But if this was a time for me to eat..then I wouldn't want to, because I'm allowed and it's therefore not as appealing. So if I tell myself that I'm supposed to be eating, will this stop me from overeating? But that's giving Anna strength. So I should tell myself that I'm not allowed anything, which will make me want everything.. Then it gets tricky.. Because once I've chosen what it is I'm in the mood for, can I bring myself to eat it, after just telling myself I'm not allowed to eat?? That's the big question. If I can bring myself to eat, then the theory works. However if I can't bring myself to eat it, then Anna is in control.. Am I just confusing myself here, by over-analyzing this? Or am I making sense? I think I'm just getting slightly off-track and I'm just making myself panic..
I have to forget about it..

Diann wants me to obey my hunger 2 times this week. I can do that. It's fine..I'm just going to try not to over-analyze..
Time-out for now..To be continued.

Obeying my hunger-moment..Third time

Sunday evening, and my jeans are so tight, from eating too much. But I was still hungry after dinner, so..this was the time I had to have more.. My third time this week to eat when I'm hungry. I finished my dinner and was gutted that it was already gone. How did that happen so quickly, and why isn't there anymore???
Well, without thinking too much, I got a slice of white bread out of the freezer, defrosted it, and am having it now, with some butter.. I could have had a pancake or a scone, but a slice of white bread and butter is something I haven't had in a while. I can be so lovely. I'd never eat white bread regularly, because I wouldn't benefit from it. There isn't any goodness in it, so I therefore didn't really see any point in eating it. It can taste so nice..which is another reason for me not to have it. Diann said that it can sometimes be easier to digest than some brown breads, which can be too heavy. I suppose it's just what you're used to.

I feel all lightheaded and weak right now. Even though I've eaten alot (the slice of bread is nearly gone). Maybe because I've done a lot today.. A lot of "interacting" and talking. I went to the shopping center as well, so maybe that has worn me out too. I can't explain it. It can feel like someone has been pulling at my chest, from the middle of my ribs..from the inside out. I went to lie down for a half an hour when I came in. I really wanted to stay in bed, I didn't want to see anybody anymore or talk or be pleasant. I didn't have the energy. But I had to, because it was time to eat.. I had no choice in the matter. I'll have to lie down again soon. I'm kind of woozy.

O my god. This bread is just heavenly. Especially the crust. It's tastes slightly burnt, but it's not.. So nice.. and the butter just completes it even though there isn't much taste. It's low fat butter, with omega 3. So it's good oils that I'm eating, I think. I remember when I was a kid, everyday I would have 2 slices of white bread with butter for lunch. The same..day in day out. A little bit tasteless you might think, and it actually is, but there's something about it..
I don't feel too bad, and am having some green tea with it, so that compensates for any chemicals and bad things that I'm eating right now..I hope. But the world won't stop spinning, just because I'm enjoying this and because I'm fattening myself up..

When I was walking around the shops earlier on, I went to try on some clothes. I just thought I'd give it a go.. Not the best of ideas. Don't you hate the mirrors in the changing rooms.. why do they always stress the ugliness?? It's so bad. I've been seeing myself getting so fat. But I looked in the mirror and my legs are still twigs. They still look like they could break in two if the wind is coming from the wrong direction.. Looking at myself here at home, in the mirror, I'm an elephant, an ugly one at that. But in the shop, I looked ill and just a disgusting. So what mirror am I supposed to believe? Which one is telling the truth? And is the top half of my body just getting fat? What about the rest of me? My legs would like some fat as well! Thats probably the only part of me that I want to get bigger, because my legs are my most treasured possession. They will get me everywhere. I want legs with character and strength and muscles!!! like I used to have. My calves used to always be so sturdy, that I would never be able to get knee high boots to zip all the way up. Proper footballers or rugby legs. I want them back so much.. I used to hate them, but now they are what I want the most.. It's true how the saying goes.."you don't know what you've got till it's gone"..
Everything I tried on this afternoon looked awful, so I still haven't started buying clothes..I don't know how fast the weight is going to keep on being plastered onto my hips or what I'll be able to where in a month or 2 from now, so it's best I wait another while..

What a load of nonsense about things that should be so irrelevent.. How annoying.. I'm off to bed for a while.. I want this day to end now.. I've done enough for Fay.. She's okay..