Hanging on

Saturday afternoon. This morning was another huge ordeal. When is it ever going to end? I don't think I have anymore tears to shed or pain to feel. I can't go through this anymore. It can't be right. It can't be good for me. It can't be doing me any favours, by being the way I am? Pushing myself, all the time. Wanting to do everything, but not being able to deal with anything.

I'm such a weak person. Why can't I do these things? I'm not even tired. If I was tired, that would make it so much easier, but I wasn't tired this morning and I felt like I was hanging-on for dear life. If I were to let myself slip, that would have been it.. Game over. Nothing left to gain, nothing left to loose. All over. And, this morning, I was wishing it was.

Last night, I went to bed, at 11 o'clock. Finally the day was over. Ma, Emma and Orla were going shopping this morning, at around 9 o'clock. I wasn't going to commit myself to anything. I would see how I felt, when the time came. I was awake this morning, from around 7. So I was up and eating by 8 and I wanted to go shopping. Or else I would have been stuck in the house the whole day and the thoughts of the walls coming in around me wasn't really that reassuring. I was feeling okay, so I went too.

But it wasn't the best thing for me to be doing..again. I don't know why. I cried and cried and didn't know what was going on with me, again. What was the big deal? Why was I breaking down? Why can't I cope with any of this? When is this going to end? But, like yesterday afternoon, I pulled myself together and went.

As soon as I admitted to Ma that I wasn't doing too well, it just got harder for me to keep it all together. But I did. This feeling, of hanging on for dear-life, had nothing to do with being tired, because I just wasn't. I know everyone was thinking this. Instead I was off the planet and was robbed of all my mental sanity and strength that a person needs to just deal with daily life..somthing every other person has 24-hours a day and don't even realize it and therefore take it for granted. I can not describe how much I would have appreciated to have had that back. That thing that I was missing this morning..Rational thoughts, sanity, positive vibes, laughs, adrenaline caused by shops.. just anything to give me a sign, no matter how small, that I was okay and that I would get through this.

Ma, Emma and Orla went clothes shopping. I went off on my own. I wanted to. The shops they were in, were too busy for me anyway. All I wanted to do was go to the book shop and look at books and choose out something. I wanted to buy a notebook and a nice pen. I walked around in a slight daze and just wanted to write. I needed it so badly. I wanted to put a pen to paper and get lost in whatever were to come out. I walked around thinking about this and I could actually feel that feeling it gives me, whenever I do that. I gives me more, than when I'm typing. It feels so free and yet it just something so plain and simple.. a pen and a notebook. Thinking of that feeling, while I was wandering around the shops, made me feel a little better. It was the little sign I needed that there was something there. I started to calm down. Now and again the pressure would come back in my chest or my heartbeat would flutter. But it was okay. If I either thought about pen and paper or kept engaging myself with the world, I could cope.

I didn't go to the bookshop, mainly because of the guys that work there.. They always see me coming..I'm always in there, at least once a week.. And I wasn't able to deal with feeling self-conscious and paranoid. I bought myself a ring instead. It was a Christmas present from Da. I was kind of feeling bad about buying it, didn't really deserve it and I didn't want others focusing on it too much. I couldn't say that I was happy I bought it. I am, but I'm not going to go on about it..

We stayed out for around 3 hours. Which was quite long. But I wasn't tired or wanting to fall down. So that was fine. Just before we were going home, I did start to get hungry so I came home and had lunch. I didn't really know what to have. I was trying to find out what I wanted. I was harder than usual. Lunchtime was never a huge problem. It was always dinnertime. But now it started at lunch. I suppose that's just the way it's supposed to be, for now.
So the day continues and I'm trying to pace myself. Not too sure how..but I'm trying..

Boxing Day

On Christmas day, after dinner and after a nap I was drinking. I had a glass of rose wine and then I lost count of the amount of whiskeys I had. I had 1 chocolate sweet as well. We started playing cards and it was great. I had fun and we all had a great laugh and I ended up getting slightly tipsy. I wasn't drunk but I was feeling the effects of the alcohol.

I don't know why I decided to let myself get like that. Maybe because I wanted to. Maybe because it would be easier for me to have a laugh and forget about Anna for a few hours. It would bring down the barriers and let me have fun and even eat whatever I wanted. But I didn't eat, only that one piece of chocolate. That's all. But on Christmas Eve the barriers were up, big time. I wanted to have a glass of wine and I wanted to have some chocolate, but I couldn't let myself because I didn't want it to ruin Christmas day by letting myself loose. So that's why I let myself have the alcohol on Christmas day instead. I didn't want to think about what it might be doing to me, what abuse I was putting my body through or how it might effect my mood and head the following day.

I was living for the moment and I didn't really care. It was the first time I had let myself drink so much, since Enya's christening, back in June. For months I wouldn't let myself, but not matter how long it's been since I've had a drink (I'm making myself sound like a recovering alcoholic, instead of a recovering anorexic..), that feeling of the room spinning will be something I'll never forget. I went to bed and that's how I felt. I remember my body feeling numb and it was like I was detached from it. My mind was floating above my body and I hated it. I know, nobody likes the room to spin when they've had too much to drink, but this was different. The whole feeling was different and I had lost control of absolutely everything. I felt intoxicated. I couldn't believe how different this drunken feeling felt, compared to a year ago. Maybe I was more aware of the effect, than I usually would do.

It's disgusting really.. What if I never want to feel like that again? Will that mean I'm restricting myself? Will that mean I don't want to enjoy myself anymore? Will that mean I just don't want to feel numb ever again by the effects heavy spirits have? How can I know if it's Anna or not? I'm not too sure, all I know is, I didn't like it and I don't want to feel like that any time soon. It's so strange, because alcohol has a weird place inside of me. I don't know what it is.. But there's something there, I'm just not too sure what it is.

So the next day, Boxing Day, started off not too bad. I lay in bed and thought about food and worried about the day that lay ahead. Was it going to be bad? Was I going to restrict myself? Was I going to feel like the scum of the earth? Was every noise around me going to be too much? What damage have I done to my recovery? Have I mucked it all up now? But if I wouldn't have had any alcohol the night before, I would have been in restraint.. so that wouldn't have been helping me either. It wouldn't have mattered what I would have done on Christmas Day..the aftermath of it all, wouldn't have been good either way. I needed that challenge. And I paid for it, BIG TIME..

I needed to start the day, even though I didn't want to. It all went downhill at high speed. Was it guilt? I don't know. Was it expectations and pressure? I don't know. Was I tired? I don't know. Was I punishing myself? Maybe. I had breakfast and everyone around was saying and doing all the wrong things. Every noise was too much and every remark I saw as a personal attack. I had so much anger inside, it was unreal. I hated absolutely everything in sight. I knew I needed to get away from everyone.

So I went back to bed, had a shower and wanted to have lunch at around 2. But that was a no-go. I will never know what came over me and I never want to feel that way, ever again. But I was ready to shoot everyone around me. I couldn't look at anyone to be honest. There were too many people around, too much noise and the space was just far too small. Anybody coming too close to me was enough to overwhelm me so much that if I hadn't acted as I did, people would be hating me for being the scum that I am. I left the kitchen and went back to bed, without eating. I can't explain what it was that I was overcome by, but I couldn't have lunch. The people around me were like strangers, observing me and looking and judging. It was just awful..

But I needed to eat. It was 2 or 3 o'clock and I had only had my yogurt and a banana smoothie.. I wanted to eat as much good foods today as possible to help my body get over the night before. But everyone around me was stopping me from eating. It was so unfair but yet so important for me to eat. But I just couldn't...

I didn't care anymore, bed was where I wanted to be and that's where I was going to stay. Everyone left me alone, thank god. But then.. everyone was going out to visit John and Ann. Mark and Gavin were there too and I really wanted to go out as well to see them. It had been 3 years since I seen them last and Mark has been one of my rocks through this whole ordeal, so I wanted to make an effort. It was on my mind, all afternoon.. I had decided not to go. And instantly that made me feel better. It felt like the right thing to do. The pressure was gone and my chest was relieved, I even felt it lift. My mind was made up. I was going to stay at home, and have some peace and quiet.

I got up, to have lunch, at around 4 o'clock. Maybe it would work this time round. And it did. Thank god, I was able to eat. That instantly made me feel better and I didn't have to worry about going to visit Mark and Gavin, I knew they'd understand if I wasn't feeling up to it. But because I was feeling better, I started to doubt myself instantly. Maybe I could go afterall. Maybe I'll be fine. But maybe I won't. Maybe it will do me some good, to get out of the house. But maybe it will only make things worse. Then I changed my mind and decided I'd be able to go afterall.

But the minute I'd made that decision, it was the wrong one. It was like I was having some sort of break down. It was unreal. But I'd gotten dressed so I had to. But then I thought..if this is such a huge decision, it should mean that it too much of big deal at the moment and too much for me to handle. I was stuck in the middle of going and staying. I didn't know what to do. And there was nobody who was going to tell me what was right for me at that moment. But I couldn't decide myself. I needed help, but there was nobody I would let myself reach out to.

I knew deep down, it wasn't good for me to go.. The pressure in my chest was just awful and aching and I couldn't stop crying. I was out of control and I couldn't look at myself. But it was almost as if I needed to go. I didn't know what was happening to myself. Nobody knew what was happening to me and how big this was for me. If they would have seen me they wouldn't have understood. What is a person to do when they feel so off the planet and at the same time, they need to make a decision whether to stay or to go? This was so so big.. I could compare it to how I was feeling that weekend I was in Holland. But this wasn't as drawn-out. This was an attack that only lasted a short while.

I kept on thinking about what Diann said to me. I can either do something to pick myself up, if I'm able, or give in to the feeling. I didn't have time to do anything but I still decided to pick myself up. It took every ounce of my strength to pull myself together and leave the house. I did it though and I'm still alive.

Looking back, I'm glad I did. I was able to be myself to a certain extent. But I felt so fragile and so distraught at the same time. I was in two worlds at once. Putting it into words, is so hard, but the thing that's felt the most, is paranoia and a warm glowing buzzing in my head. As long as I kept interacting, I was able to keep myself together. I wasn't allowed to drift, I wasn't allowed to zone-out, I wasn't allowed to say that I wasn't actually having a good day. If I did, I was a done for.

We were there for an hour or 2. Can't really remember. But it was great to see Mark. So for that reason I'm glad I was able to pick myself up, get my act together and go. Afterwards I was okay. But the noise was overbearing and I couldn't get away from it. It nearly caused another break down, but I wasn't going to give in. I just wasn't. I needed to eat and if I let my mood take it's course, I wouldn't have eaten..(I only had 2 slices of toast by the way, but it was only because it was too late to have anything heavy).

I was glad the day was finally over. One of the worst days I've had, in a long time. I seem to say that alot. But this really topped it all. I don't know why, I didn't like it, but I got through it. It's such a bummer when I go through these days because when I'm feeling good, I always think I'm nearly there. But the days like yesterday make me feel like it's never going to end and I often ask myself is all this grief really worth it? All this pain I'm putting myself through, just so I can live again. Is it all worth it? Usually I know the answer, but right now, I'm not too sure..

My face

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't know who or what I see. I don't seem to recognise the person staring back at me. Sometimes I feel like a stranger, to myself. A person I don't know anymore. Somebody I thought I knew so well.I look and I get a shock or I have to do a double-take and ask myself.. is that really me? After doing a double-take, I seem to see the person I was a few years ago. My facial features as they always used to be, as they're meant to be and as they should forever stay. Not only that, but maybe a fresh and new person. I never feel like that on the inside, but on the outside that's what I can see.

A different face, it sometimes feels like. Sometimes I wake-up in the morning holding on to my chubby cheeks, for some strange reason. It feels like my face has changed so much and for me to feel fine with these changes that have been happening whether I like it or not in such a short space of time, I have to hold on to it. It might help me to come to terms with the fact that my cheeks will be chubby forever..the part of myself that I have always despised so much. It might start to feel like my own again and feel more familiar. Maybe by holding onto my cheeks I won't wake up one day and feel like a fatty, because of my face and my cheeks and if I can feel fine with it, it might stop me from trying to loose weight so my face will get smaller again.

I came across some photo's the other day from around 9 or 10 months ago. I honestly wouldn't recognize myself. The look I had, was so bad. Drained and pale, lifeless and old, tired and dead. No glow, no nothing. Not only that, but my wrinkles were bad and I looked older. My nose had a different shape and it stuck out like a sore thumb and that's something it's never done before.. My cheeks had disintegrated because of the weigtloss and my nose was therefore accentuated. Not a good thing, when I look back on it now.. because my nose isn't a great feature. But my cheeks aren't either. I don't want either of them..but there's not a lot I can do about that, unfortunately.

My eyes are smaller and they aren't my main feature anymore. No, now it's my fat cheeks that have taken over the show. How awful. Orla and Ma said the other day, that my eyes are greener and brighter than they used to be. I don't know the reason for that, or maybe I do but I don't really want to say it or admit it. It's too much effort at the moment.

People who I only know from the past year, might not recognize me. They might not want to know me anymore with this fat head of mine. How awful. But I know for anybody to think like that, would only mean that they really are very shallow. Do I really care to loose friendships because I've got a full face now? Would people care that I've put on weight and gotten disgusting? If they do, then I really don't want to know these people anymore. Because that just means that they value appearance more than health and happiness..

Me saying that, just shows how I used to look at myself. Nobody else probably looks at me in that way, only me. But I can't think for anybody else. I can't, no matter how much I'd love to have that ability. Or maybe I don't want to know what others think. No.. Because it really isn't important. I don't care anymore. All I know for certain is what that I can see what the food is doing to my face and I don't really like it. Unfortunately we weren't all blessed with pretty, slim and naturally healthy looking faces and bodies. Do I value that more than my life? I can't answer that at this moment.

Christmas Dinner

Christmas dinner. It's happened. I'm still alive, I survived but am not yet thrived..if only, if only, if only.

I did so much talking to myself and reassuring yesterday, during the run-up to the dinner. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gotten through it. Never in a million years. The thing that helped me the most, was to be present whilst eating it. Like when I had the lasagna weeks ago, I told myself to enjoy it and not to fear what it was doing to me. I was eating for the moment. It's only one meal and just because the Christmas dinner is associated with fun and laughter, it doesn't mean that I can't savour the taste of the meal. I told myself, that if I want to talk and forget about Anna and it feels okay, then that's what I'm allowed to do. I also had to remind myself of how grateful I am for sitting around the table with all these people.

Throughout the morning I wasn't restricting myself because of the meal that was to come. I wasn't compensating as I usually would have done. I wasn't going to save my appetite either so I'd be able to eat more of the delicious dinner. None of that. I had breakfast.. Kellogs fruit&fibre. It was delicious. I had one bowl and then another half of a bowl. I felt satisfied after that. It was tasty and it was good for me too. So I didn't feel guilty and I didn't make a huge deal out of it either. After that, at around 1 or 2 o'clock, I had a bowl of yogurt with some dried fruit and nuts. Again and as always.. delicious. Real tasty. No guilt, it was good for me and it was safe.

Dinner was at 3 in the afternoon. I was happy with that time as it meant that I was not stressing about it all day long. I had just eaten an hour before, so I wasn't starving. I would still be able to eat and I wouldn't need to stuff my face. I didn't want to sit near people who were uncomfortable looking at me, when I'm eating. Because I know that it's uncomfortable for certain people, which makes me feel the same way and I wouldn't have been able to relax. So I sat in between Ma and Sean..always safe.

What did I have? I had a roast potatoe (Ma did mine separate, crispy from the olive oil instead of crispy from the goose fat), some turkey, carrots and broccoli and a little bit of stuffing. The stuffing was the nicest part.. but also the biggest challenge. I never know exactly what Ma puts in it...probably gallons of butter.. So it did freak me out a little, but I wanted it, so I had it and it's the nicest part of the Christmas dinner too. The potatoe was gorgeous and it was safe because I knew how it was prepared. The turkey wasn't fatty so that was tasty and the veg is always healthy too.

I was focusing on being "present". I was eating what I wanted, at that moment in time. I didn't want to stuff my face. I even had a glass of rose wine too. The last time I had a glass of wine with a meal is over 6 months ago. It was strange. Because I'd always see people do it on telly and it wouldn't seem like the right thing to do. I would nearly feel sorry for them, for eating a fatty meal in a restaurant AND drinking alcohol. I mean.. how much can someones body take?? Why put your body through so much torture?

But, yesterday I was doing it too. And it was okay. I was savouring the tastes. I didn't have any dessert though. I did consider it though. I didn't tell myself, "I'm not allowed to have it". I didn't even think about it, until dinner was over and Ma asked who wanted what. So I thought about it and I tasted some of the orange mouse Ma made. It was too sweet and it didn't taste like "more". I didn't want ice-cream, I didn't want Christmas pudding either. So I knew I wasn't restricting myself. I knew I was doing good. It didn't give me pleasure to see the others having dessert. I didn't give me strength. This told me I wasn't in restraint.

Eileen said the words that have become her favourite, over the past week "I didn't have any dessert and I'm real proud of myself".. "I haven't stuffed my face with chocolate this year and I'm real proud of myself". They didn't do too much to me. Those words didn't feel like a stab in the heart or a punch in the face, like they did the night before. I chose for them not to have an effect on me. I didn't want them to. I didn't want her behaviour to upset me. I told myself.. Those are her issues and I have to distance myself from them. So I did and I was quite proud of myself.

To me, that's a greater accomplishment and something WORTHY of being proud about, than restricting myself and saying "no" to food.. Like Eileen was at that moment. I'm in the position at the moment, that I can't afford to worry about what she's doing. I simply can't. It's too much pressure and it will do things to me that I can't let myself do. I love her to bits, but I'm not going to let my love for her, take away the occasional love I feel towards myself..

I got through it, without guilt. I did well. Afterwards I went to bed for an hour or 2. Everything was getting a little bit too noisy and a bit too hectic. I knew that I needed a time-out. So I did and I felt great about doing that too.. So much greatness, in such a short space of time. I have to let it settle again. I can do this.

Hands-off!!

Boxing Day. A little tiredness and a full head. Is the pressure off now? It might be.. Is it falling? I think so. Is that why I'm tired? Probably. Is everyone expecting me to be in a foul mood? More than likely. Am I in a bad mood? I don't know. Is everyone getting to me? To a certain extent, yes they are.

I've already learned a lot this morning, just by being around people. I'm coming to realize the effect that certain things they are saying and doing, is having on me. Why are they effecting me? Because of yesterday. Because it all turned out to be a lot of fun and now I'm feeling strange and there's a lot going on inside of me, so the problem is with me and not them. It's the flag Diann was talking about. Somebody commenting on what I'm eating.. leave me alone and let me be or just get away from me.. Why are those my thoughts? Because I'm not right yet, after yesterday. It pisses me off so much. And it's all because of me. Nobody else. That's the worst part about it. I only have myself to blame.

I don't know if I'm feeling guilty for having had a good day yesterday and for enjoying myself and drinking and laughing. I think I must do. Because realizing what I've already learned this morning, is pissing me off. Because it's a good sign and that's wrong. It feels wrong. And I know it's because so much good has happened the past days.

I don't really know if I can keep all this goodness up. I want to but on the other hand I don't know if I'm really that bothered. If I'm not bothered then why should I care if people are saying things that piss me off? Maybe because I don't have the energy to express my own opinion on the matter. Is that what it is? Maybe because I can't find it in my heart to say words that might offend people when they mean it so well.

Things like: "Niamh, you're having some nuts..". I'd love to say: "Yeah, I am, so what and please stop stating the obvious and leave me alone!" But no, I just agree and nod and force a smile. Somebody eating from "my food" even though it's everybody's food. But it's my safe food being taken away from me. Why do that? If anybody wants to piss me off, then that's the best way to go about it. But it's all the guilt. It's all the goodness of the past few days, being reflected on my behaviour towards and around food. But some foods are a part of my food-plan, so hands-off!! Right?.. maybe not, because the supermarket will have more.. It wasn't the last packet on the shelf in Tesco's. The world isn't going to stop turning. But it certainly felt like that. I wanted to scream and go absolutely crazy. But I didn't.

Why are people constantly so interested in what I eat? Why do certain people look and observe? Do they think they're helping me by doing this? Because they aren't. If anything, they're making everything harder for me. Because it's an extra thing I need to deal with. As if eating in itself isn't enough..oh no, let's pile it on, just to make Niamh feel a little more drained, tired, angry and lifeless. It will never to enough, will it? It isn't fair and it's tiring and I'm sick of it, to be honest. I couldn't care less anymore.

Now that I know and can see what happens to my behaviour when I'm doing good and feeling good and stuffing my face all day long, isn't that enough? Can it all stop now? Haven't a sussed it all out, and now it should end. I can go back to being me again. Can this ****** fight end? Will somebody else take over, for just a short while, because I'm done.. beat, bust, game over, it's finito, basta la pasta.. and all the other words that are in my head but won't come out.. The end... (if only)

The Child at Christmas

I woke up a few times in the middle of the night and wished so much to be a child again. I wanted to experience Christmas as I used to. Even up to last year. Each time I woke, I thought about all the kids, all over the world who still believe in Santy. How excited they must be, at that very moment by the thoughts of this jolly man coming to their house with his reindeer's, to bring presents, that are meant to make that one individual feel special.

Such a magical and special night, for all those kids. I was wanting to feel excited for them. As they wake up in the middle of the night to check if Santy has already been and filled the stocking at the end of the bed. As they listen to hear if he might still be downstairs. Being so excited for morning to come, that waking up in the middle of the night and still having to wait hours until it's to get up, would always feel like torture. But it would be worth it, because the build-up would make the fact that Santy did come and bring you exactly what you asked for, all the more magical.

Yet, here I was, lying in my bed.. All grown up. Not a child anymore, but supposedly an adult. I was wanting to feel the excitement, but I couldn't. Instead I was worried about what everyone in this house would think of me. Would they feel like they're walking on eggshells in my presence? Would they feel like I'm a fake? Would they be worried? Would they believe me to feel down or up? What was I going to do? What did I need to do?

I hadn't slept very well and was awake at around 7 o'clock. I was talking myself into believing certain things, just so I would feel relaxed and would let myself get caught up in the special moments that Christmas morning always brings. I was telling myself, that after last nights "break down" caused by Eileens words, cannot ruin my mood and I can't take on her issues. I can't let her behaviour have any effect on my behaviour. I need to eat a lot, because that's the only way to get rid of Anna. If Eileen chooses to not eat the whole day, then that's her problem. She's the only one that will suffer and feel drained, because of it. I need food, if not for comfort or pleasure, then for nutrition. I had to let go of what she has suddenly become to value.. Because I can no longer have values that are similar. Look to where they have led me..

I was telling myself that nothing bad is going to happen. It's just another morning and there's no pressure from anybody around me, to be feeling a certain way. I can do and be anyway I like. Nobody will hate me for it (except me..). I had to convince myself. I was telling myself that no matter how hard it can be or how awkward it can feel, there's no where else in the world I would possibly want to be, right now. This is where I have to be and the people who I miss and aren't around me, are in my thoughts and close to my heart. That's where they're safe. That's where Fay is too. Even if I don't always have "access" to her.. she's there and I need to cherish her.

I was telling myself that after today, there's tomorrow and it could turn out to be so much more important than today or yesterday. There's also next week, when other things could happen. There's also next month and the month after that.. when I want to start being independent again. My happiness doesn't depend on what I'm feeling on Christmas Day or what I've achieved by Christmas Day or how much money I have or haven't spent on Christmas Day. My happiness depends on me and the person who I was, am and will become, each and every day.

This Christmas Santy did come to me. He's a figment of my imagination of course. When I was a child, he made my Christmases worthwhile. He turned out to be my mother and family in disguise. Because they are the ones who made them magical. Seeing Christmas through my eyes, as a child, also means that I was the one who made all my Christmases magical. By dreaming about Santy coming to town, Ma made my dreams come true. By me, as a child and even as an adult, believing in miracles and believing in dreams coming true, I made Christmases special. So this year, there are miracles that have happened and there are dreams that will be coming true. A gift I give to myself this Christmas, is the strength I need to make miracles happen. A gift I give to my loved ones this year, is an expression of how much I love them and that without them, this Christmas wouldn't have happened.

Seeing Christmas and Santy as the ones who can make it special, in what ever way a person wishes is clearing my head, wiping the fuzziness from my brains and bringing the child inside of me, back to life. The child that usually comes out, each Christmas morning. I can learn to call upon that child whenever I wish for my dreams to come true because children believe anything is possible and they believe in miracles. No matter how grown up I sometimes feel, the child should always be cherished within..it's where the world is a magical place and it just takes this festive season to feel that stepping away from the worries and the stress and by loving the inner child, every person can make dreams come true.. and therefore so can I...

Christmas morning

Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone, and to myself too..
It's 12 in the afternoon and it's the BIG DAY.

What can I say?? Too much or too little? I haven't a clue, but I'll start where I left off. Last night, Christmas Eve, I was doing okay, until a certain hour. I don't know how I was suddenly overcome with such doom and gloom. It appeared out of nowhere, at around 11 o'clock. It just got worse and worse. All I wanted was to break away from everyone.

One minute I was sitting on the couch, having a laugh. Nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying the moment. There was wine and chocolate and little pizza's. I considered having some mulled wine, but as soon as I saw Ma put sugar in it, that was that idea out and window. It made me so angry because I was willing to try it, before the sugar but Ma ruined it by making it "unsafe" so I couldn't let myself have any. Then the chocolates came out. I seriously contemplated having one. I really wanted to and even looked on the little leaflet to see what was in each one. It wasn't to torture myself, but to see which chocolate I wanted. But the longer they were there on the table in front of me, the more I started to worry about what they would do to me. The longer I thought about it, the harder it got to just go ahead and have only one chocolate sweet. Then the pizza's came out. I thought and thought about it..Will I, won't I? What will it make me feel like afterwards? Maybe it's too late for me to have one? Maybe it will stick in my stomach and cause me to have a bad nights sleep and a bad morning? And, of course, the more I thought about it, the harder it got for me to try one. This was all in the space of 45 minutes.

Then Eileen came in. She was slightly tipsy, just like every other person who was trying to get in the festive spirit. This pissed me off so much. I knew it was because I was jealous. I wanted to be out and about and having a laugh with friends without a worry in the world. I wanted to be excited about the next day and about presents and about food and drink. But I wasn't feeling any of it. 2 minutes later, Eileen was out in the kitchen and she said some words that had the worst effect on me.. Her exact words were: "I haven't eaten since 11.30 this morning". They might not sound like words that would harm anybody. If she had said to my face, that she hated my guts and that I was a low-life, they probably would have felt the same. But all she was doing was telling Ma that she had been working all day and hadn't eaten.

What that did to me, was horrendous. I didn't realize at that very moment, that those words hit me and caused me to feel as awful as I did. It wasn't until a half an hour or an hour afterwards that I realized her saying that, made me go insane and made me jealous. I wanted so badly to go the whole day without any food. Why was she allowed to do that, and I'm wasn't? The way she said it, reminded myself of me. She said it with such pride.. I could here it in her voice, how good it made her feel. I can recall that very same feeling myself. It's the best feeling in the world. And she was experiencing it, while I had to stuff my face all day long. How unfair life can be??

It made me feel so bad, just looking at her made me want to scream. She hasn't a clue what hearing things like that, does to me. And I can't expect her to either. I didn't even know that remarks like that could have such a horrid effect on me. I know for sure, that she wouldn't want to hurt me by saying certain things. But it still hurt like hell and from that very moment, everything went down hill.

I was surrounded by too many people. I just wanted to be alone and cry. I felt like **** and I didn't want to fight that feeling. I needed to let it come through. I needed to feel it, even if it was just to be able to be in better form and in a better mood the next morning. The thoughts I felt towards her, were just so bad. I can't believe the things that were going through my mind, each time I looked over at her or each time she spoke. I resented her, for being her. I knew I was being a *****, but that didn't really bother me.

I left the room, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Feeling like I was trapped in this cage. Trapped with barriers that I just wasn't able to break down. I could feel them getting stronger and stronger but there was nothing I could do. Aswell as dealing with what Eileen said and the nibbles and wine at that very moment, the pressure was also starting to build up inside of me caused by the stress of the next day, caused by me not being happy that I wasn't excited like the rest of the world, caused by the food, wine, laughter that was all waiting to be experienced and enjoyed on Christmas Day and the day after. And to put the icing on the cake: the unfairness of this whole ordeal. Why is everyone around me "allowed" to enjoy and "allowed" to laugh and "allowed" to drink and be merry and eat *****?

With all this, going on in my head, I was glad to go to bed at around midnight, even though I knew that I wouldn't be able to let myself sleep properly. I cried and cried. But I didn't cry myself to sleep. Because I didn't let myself fall asleep. I fought it. I don't know why. As I lay in bed, I realized that it was Eileens words that put me back in my cage. The cage to which nobody has the key that will let me out and be myself. The cage the keeps me away from acting as I wish to. The only person that holds that key is Fay. But she had deserted me, in my hour of need. She left the room the moment Eileen walked in.

Just before I started to fall asleep, I wished never to wake up. I wanted everything to end. I was sick of it all. Life didn't feel like it was worth living, if describing what was going on inside of me as: "feeling so bad" doesn't even come close as to how awful it felt, even when being surrounded by the only people in the whole world, who love me the way they do. Going to sleep and not waking up..that would have been a great Christmas present from Anna.

Thinking like this, only caused me to have dreams that weren't all to happy. So many dreams I had and in each dream I was doing things and failing at everything. The one I remember the clearest, was the one where I was going to college. I had to cycle everyday through the wind and the rain to get there. But after a year, the wind and the rain got too much for me, so I gave up. I wasn't fit and strong enough to cycle..so I'd failed. Not being able to cycle, meant I didn't finish the course.. I had failed again. Twice in one dream, I had failed.

This dream wasn't a nightmare, it was just describing me and how I felt.. a failure.. It wasn't as if I was waking up from a nightmare, because the dream continued. I was still me, and still a failure, only now, I was awake and I had to face the harsh reality of what was happening.. It was Christmas Day, 2008, I wanted to be happy, chirpy and recovered. I wasn't. I wanted to be skinny, not eating and feeling okay with being Anna again. I wasn't..

Christmas Eve

It's still Christmas Eve, the day is coming to an end. Just like every other day. Tomorrow, Christmas day. Does that mean that something huge is going to happen? Does that mean the world will stop turning or life will be different once tomorrow night comes? Will everybody have achieved their goals by tomorrow and if they haven't does that make them a failure? No, it doesn't. Nothing will have changed, things will still be as they were intended to be. Life will continue, people will go back to their jobs and all will remain the same.

This afternoon, I can hardly remember what I was typing. I can hardly remember how I had all of a sudden realized how this whole illness works. Because I had. From one moment to the next, when I was in bed this afternoon, I knew exactly how it all fitted together, the stress with the food with my mood with the people with the pressure and all that coming together in my chest. The tightness or the heavy feeling (there are many ways to describe it). As I was realizing this the pressure in my chest started to go. It was there one minute and the next, I moment I thought about how I was feeling, and it was nearly gone.. Because I everything had become clear again. I had written my way to clarity, as I've often done in the past and, more than likely, will continue to do in the future.

So I was thinking and thinking..it was only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I wanted to do so much and wanted to be in such and such a mood by such and such a time and by tomorrow I wanted to be this and that..on and on it went. I don't know why I was doing this to myself. But it was happening along with the food-stress. All of sudden something Diann said to me, a while back, popped into my head. She said that all anorexics are known for getting stuck into things and being so motivated and determined to get something done or to finish things. She said that getting our "teeth stuck into things" and clinging on to doing or finishing a certain task, is always a better option than clinging on to or getting into the familiar and easy anorexic behaviour and starving ourselves, just so as we have some feeling of accomplishment.

So, while I was thinking about this and trying to come out of myself and trying not to get upset, overwhelmed or depressed by being struck with this sudden rush of guilt, paranoia and pressure, I knew that I needed to focus my energy. I knew I had to start doing something at that very moment, in order for me to feel fine again.

The past days I've been thinking a lot about Christmas and the meaning of it. So I wanted to busy myself by focusing on that, instead. I had to get out of my head, that Christmas is only about food and drink and I had to start doing something positive that would also help get rid of any bad feelings that were coming up. So I did.

To me Christmas should no longer mean, stuffing my face. I've noticed what it can do to me.. the stress triggers everything Anna stands for. So what else does it mean? It's about giving, it's about showing your nearest and dearest how much they mean to you, it's the season of "good-will", it's to remember what we should be grateful for. It all sounds pretty cliche, but take away expensive presents, alcohol, parties and food. What have you got left? It's a Christmas that represents it's true meaning. Things that are important. Every single day of the year, these things are important, but Christmas can be the time to stop and see it all, as clearly as it is.

How can this be expressed? This question has been on my mind for the past week or 2. Giving.. to loved ones and even to yourself, as Diann said to me. If I'm off traveling and celebrating Christmas without family, then I can give myself a gift. I don't have to deny myself of anything and I deserve to be treated even if it is by myself that I'm being treated. Some people might think it sounds pathetic, but I don't. Getting through a year, no matter how good or how bad, can be a accomplishment no matter what age you are or what state your health is. Appreciating and being grateful to yourself, to your body and to your mind for still thriving, for still learning and for still growing. A small gift to yourself, just to remind you that you are worthy of receiving just as much as the next person. Also giving to others that form your world at that moment in time, no matter how small a gesture. If it comes form the heart, it's to show how much that certain person means to you, then isn't that far more important than spending huge amounts or money on enormous gifts? Because that's what Christmas has been overshadowed by.. materialistic gestures.

This has been occupying me all afternoon. I've been thinking of a way to show the people close to me, just how much they mean to me. The smallest gesture in the world, but so much thought and so many hours of preparation. It was something to focus my energy on and something that showed me what Christmas can be about... doing something good for others instead of restricting myself from everything that can be classed as a pleasure. It's the only thing in the world that I have to give.. and those are words.. That's all I have at the moment and therefore that's all I'm giving. But if the receiver can see what is meant by it, it will more than any other gift money can buy.

I think I have to quit while I'm ahead. Or else my head will start pounding again.. See you after xxxx

The Christmas build-up 3

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about what I was going to eat today. I've been craving for a bowl of Kellogs Fruit&Fibre, ever since I had it in Sandra's house the weekend I was in Holland. It's been on my mind for weeks now. Whenever I would think about the supermarket and the aisle I love the best, it's no longer the bread aisle that would make me drool.. but that's been replaced by the cereal aisle.. To me.. absolute heaven. If I was allowed to eat everything in the whole supermarket as much as I wanted.., what would I choose.. it would be the fruit&fibre. That's all I've been wanting for weeks now. So Ma got a box of it yesterday. I haven't had any yet.

Is this going to be the same drama as the Cadburys Flake? Only if I make it that..
I woke up and was immediately thinking about what to eat. I thought I'd have some fruit&fibre for my breakfast. Then I thought about how fast I would have to eat it and what I would feel like afterwards and how long I'd have to wait before eating again and how I'd cope. I was worried that if I started eating it, that I wouldn't be able to stop and that would be just plain embarrassing, with everybody around me watching me eat (I know nobody's watching, but that's just what I've got in my head).

So then I thought, I'll have it Christmas morning. It will be a treat, as everybody will eat their sausages and rashers, bacon and eggs. But will that work? What if I'm finished it and I want yogurt and muesli as well, because I'll have missed out on my daily "fix"? What will happen then? I might end up setting myself up for the worst day ever and then my Christmas dinner won't be nice and I might not let myself have chocolate or wine or anything that will be pleasurable.. What is a person to do?

For breakfast today, I had my usual. I plan on having the Fruit&fibre tomorrow morning. Or maybe this afternoon. But that would be bad, wouldn't it? Why? I don't know, because it's all too nice. But wasn't cereal my "safe" food, so shouldn't I be able to eat as much of that as I want? Shouldn't that be good for me? So why would I make myself feel bad for eating something delicious AND nutritious..

I promised myself I wasn't going to do this.. I wasn't going to let myself worry about Christmas dinner, about food, about alcohol, about laughing and chatting. I wasn't going to do that to myself. I was only going to focus on spreading my energy and not overdoing it.. But, as you may have noticed, I'm doing exactly what I really didn't want. To tell the truth, I could sit here for hours, typing about what I might and might not eat today, tomorrow and the day after and what I intend on drinking and not drinking. I could try and predict what I'm going to feel like and how well it will all go. I would love nothing more than to do it.. But I simply can't..

I left Diann on Monday, on high note, saying that appreciating Christmas for what it really is, and focusing on that, will make it all a whole lot easier. So I should try.. But I don't know how long I'll be able to fight the feeling and fight Anna trying to wear me down. I can only do it for so long and then I'm beat.. Then I've had enough..just like every other person who gets tired of being positive and upbeat in the most difficult of situations.

I know I have to focus on different things, to get myself through.. So for now, I might just take a short time out again and continue later on a more positive note. I was going to go down the town later on again, but I'm not too sure..

I be checking in again later to type some more and to see how I'm feeling...

The Christmas build-up 2

Right at this moment (it's still Christmas Eve, by the way) and I think I'm now having trouble with 2 issues: with guilt AND with low energy and therefore frustration. I haven't done that much today. Everyone was awake real early, so I was too.. crying babies and talking babies everywhere (or maybe it sounded like that, when in actual fact there were only 2). We went to do a little bit of shopping. Nothing major, just all very chilled. But all the talking that I wanted to do, and therefore did, has been doing something to me and I'm not too sure what.

We've had a few good conversations, as we usually would do. But I haven't been in the position to do this, in such a long time..more than 6 months. I've always wanted to, but not been able. Talking about anything that goes deep in anyway at all, would just feel like a smack in the face. But this morning was the first time. It overwhelmed me but I wanted to talk. So I did. Afterwards I was plagued with guilt. That's when the dizziness and pounding head started. And I was starting to get hungry too and just wanted to go to bed.

I did so well, for being able to say some of the things I wanted to. It might have been too much, I'm not too sure. It was almost as if I was being patrolled. It was like there was someone else there, after the conversation had finished, but nobody could see this certain person. Nobody could feel this person being present, but I could. It hit me like a brick almost. This somebody who was patrolling me, was making notes as to what I was saying, how I seemed to be feeling and how I was acting. I don't know where this person was. I don't know who it was. Or I probably do know, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of her presence being noticed.. How unfair she can be.

So I was back home and needed to eat so badly. I had a toasted cheese and prawn sandwich. It was sooo tasty. But then I realized what was for dinner. Lasagna. O no. What am I going to do? Am I expected to eat that? The last time I had it, was the weekend of Eileens 21st which was the end of November. But there's cheese on top and I've already had cheese..so that's too much. I won't be able to resist the garlic bread either. What am I going to do? I know I don't have to have it. I know it could make me feel awful afterwards. And tomorrow is the Christmas dinner AND there'll be wine..both tonight AND tomorrow.

So what am I going to do? I couldn't possibly have the lasagna and the wine, all in the same day, as well as having a deep and meaningful conversation. And still feel happy and energized tomorrow and be able to drink and eat and be merry and spread all this love that I feel for everyone, all around me? Isn't that way too much?? Will I have to prioritize, as to how much I'm allowed to enjoy, feed, fuel and express myself?

I keep telling myself that there's nobody judging me, there's nobody telling me how much I'm allowed to enjoy myself. It's just me, myself and I. I really don't care what anybody thinks.. or do I? You see, I don't really know. Will I have to stay away from the lasagna and wine tonight, to be able to do it all tomorrow instead? Why should I have to choose? Why can't I have it all? Why can't I do and feel how I want? What's that all about?

It's purely because it blows my mind. Literally. I can't deal with it all. Throughout the past 6 months I haven't let myself enjoy wine, I haven't let myself open up to Emma and Orla and have great conversation, I haven't let myself laugh and feel good about where I am right now and I haven't let myself enjoy foods that haven't been "safe". So to do all this, in the space of 5 days, is alot. Especially if I want it and nearly expect it from myself but on the other hand feel guilty by "giving in".

I can't put pressure on myself, but I know secretly I am. No matter how bad it is for me. At this very moment, I can feel it in my chest. Just a ball that's stuck there. It's not huge, but it's there and my head is a little woozy and I'm tired. So what do I do? Will I let today run it's course and see what happens, just like tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that? Is that the only way I'll get through this? Is that the only way for me to be? If I tell myself I'm not bothered about how tomorrow turns out and that it isn't a big deal if I don't feel great and on top of the world (because basically that's not where I am at the moment, not mentally or physically), will that take the pressure off me and release the pressure and stress that's building up inside me? Hummm. It would make so much sense, but it's not done as easily as it's said (or in my case, written).

Let me think it over...

The Christmas build-up 1

It's Christmas Eve.. It came around so quickly. I've been trying to sort some last bits and pieces out, trying to let Monday's session settle and gear myself up for the next couple of days.

Yesterday I went to acupuncture. It was great. The last time I felt it so intensely, was weeks and weeks ago. Ralph's arm is till broken so Breda is treating me and she gave me a "Christmas Special" as she called it. This involved 2 needles in my head.. I never thought I'd be okay with needles being stuck into my scalp, but I felt fine. She used more needles than usual and each one was hitting what felt like a nerve or something. Everything was buzzing as if my body was on "high-alert". Breda said it was the Chi getting stronger which means my energy was high so my body was reacting to each pressure point that was punctured. All a good sign, I reckon. I could feel them working immediately. Especially the one in my head.

Afterwards I was slightly high, too relaxed and slightly off-balance. I think I had this silly grin on my face too, for no apparent reason. I then spent the whole afternoon in bed and I could feel the acupuncture still working. It was the energy I was feeling and the buzzing and tingling around me body at the same time as feeling so relaxed that moving even the smallest muscle would have been an effort and as shame.. An effort because everything was felt so heavy and a shame because it would have disturbed the sensations I was still feeling.

Last night I had lots to do. Well, it felt like lots. I was sorting out some last minute things I needed to do for Christmas and trying to pace myself. But that was so hard. I kind of went on a frantic little run-around for a few hours. After 10, the gang arrived from Holland. Emma and Orla with the babies and the men.. Their cute little families. Everyone will be staying until Sunday.

It's going to be a busy few days, but nice all the same. I've been saving my energy and mentally preparing myself. I've noticed that it makes such a difference dealing with lots of people and being in my "comfort-zone" at the same time. It makes it so much easier. I kept on thinking back to how I dealt with people, 3 weeks ago when I was in Holland, and how I felt. But the next few days will be nothing compared to that weekend. I know that feeling won't come up, because I'm home. Dealing with anything will be a breeze because I'm here. Thinking like that automatically makes it easier for me. It gives me reassurance. I don't have to use up all my precious energy by worrying about things that I would have had to worry about, had I been away from home.. if that makes any sense at all.. Yeah, it makes sense. I don't have to travel, I don't have to eat different food, I don't have to be or do anything I don't want and I don't have to leave the house if I'm not able.

I'm here, in Arklow, surrounded by the most important people in my world. I've got my bed, I've got my food and that's all I need. So I should be feeling fine with having to only deal with noise and people, shouldn't I? I think I am. I'm not too sure.. When I was talking to Diann about Christmas I was saying the only thing I was worried most about was that I won't have the energy to be full of life. Not that I have to be, but I want to be, regardless of how tired I'm feeling. I was worried that this was going to frustrate me. I was worried about the guilt because I thought I'd be able to let myself enjoy the joy that comes along with this festive time of year.

A short time-out..

Happy-Hour Part 3

Her wise words, once again, have been running their own course around my head, each day. The conversation on jobs and careers and trying different things, has been sinking in and of course has had an effect.

I see now that choosing a certain job or direction is mainly related to what a person values in life. Is this job someone does, each day, important because of status, money, achievement, capability, fun-factor..?? Does someone class their job to be more important than their health, happiness and all of those other good and bad things a job can make us feel? An example. Diann was saying there's a friend of a friend, who hates his job but it gives him the opportunity to go surfing every weekend because that's what he values most in his life. So, for him, the job isn't an issue. Money, status, work-environment and so on, aren't as important for him as being able to do what he loves the most every weekend, which is surfing. Some people fill their spare time doing the things they love the most and working a particular job that isn't something they've dreamed of but also this fact isn't a problem for them. It all depends on the person, what they want from life and what they value.

So, where does all this babbling leave me? In a very weird but wonderful place. I've been thinking of ways that could get me traveling again. The fact that I can't do it just yet, hasn't been freaking me out. I'll have to get passed that awful feeling, or else I'll never be able to make things happen. I've been trying to think practical along with thinking about whether or not to go back to Holland. Because, right now, moving on from where I am now also means thinking about what either option would mean for me.

Thinking of Holland, is hard for me. It brings up all these not too nice feelings, to be honest. I don't know what it is about it. I spoke to Diann about this on so many occasions. And by the way I speak about it, she can sense that it wouldn't suit the lifestyle I want, anymore.. I might have become too laid-back or I might feel too much stress and pressure living in such a society. These 2 factors (stress and pressure) are what I've had to avoid totally, to get through the past months. In some ways, the lifestyle might have suited Anna down to the ground. But not Fay. If I were to go back to that lifestyle, I don't know if and how I'd cope with it.

Going back, things might turn out great. Then again, Anna could be triggered and I could suffer set-backs.. Who knows? Nobody ever will. As Diann said today, there are only 2 things in this life that are certain 1) we all die 2) nothing is certain. And she's right. People make decisions each and everyday, some slightly bigger than the other..but they all need to be taken and nobody will ever know what would have been, had we chosen differently. Everything involves taking a certain amount of risk, but such is life. However if I can act according to what feels right, then that will certainly be a safer bet than going with what feels wrong. If the thoughts of going back to Holland causes my head to spin and my stomach to form a knot, then that doesn't feel too good..

The thing I want to do, is travel, surprise surprise. That's a certainty. I told Diann today about how heart-broken and sick I'd feel whenever I'd hear about other people traveling. She said that before she had her own private practise, she would hear about other therapists who had taken the risk to set up by themselves and she'd feel the same way..heart-broken and lost. That made her see that that was what she had to do, so she did it and she's never looked back.

There was another thing too.. With all my ties in Holland, my room, my job, my "everything" is there but I'm here in Ireland. My mind is here, I'm working on myself here and I'm trying to get my life back on track while I'm here. But most of what I always classed as being "me" is still over there. So where is all my energy? Alot of my energy is still there and not here, where it should and where I need it to get my life back.

I'm trying to think beyond and maybe work abroad to get myself financially set to travel at a slow but steady pace, for a long as I feel I want to.. But for me to be able to fully focus on moving on to different things, especially as I'm still not physically back on track, I need all my energy to be in one place. That way I can look forward. I wouldn't be held back by possibilities or opportunities being in Holland could offer me, even when the thoughts don't make me feel happy. My mind would, to a certain degree, be back there. To open one door, another door needs to be closed.. huummmm..

Often, one decision needs to be made to know what the next one is and if it feels right. Because the mind is focused and the flow isn't being disrupted or being brought off-balance by thoughts from the past.

I'm almost afraid to say what it is that I'd like to do because that might make me feel I HAVE to do it, just because I've said it. At the moment I'm still mooching around, as Diann put it. There's no pressure and I don't want to stress it either. I just need to listen to what feels right and I'm in the process of letting it all sink-in.

Each week the clarity becomes even clearer..if that's possible. Last week I thought I'd nailed it..by Diann saying (amongst many other things) "Niamh, you're allowed to try new things to find out what you enjoy and you'll never be a failure". And then this week "Niamh, focused energy, closing doors and thinking ahead will help you find your true purpose in life". These weren't her exact words, but that's the main thing I got from all the chatting today..

Happy-Hour Part 2

Last week Monday when I was with Diann, we were talking about my next step. My next step, as in, what I would like to do or where I would like to go. The problem with me is that I want so much. I actually want too much. I want to see it all and to do it all. So where and what does a person do who loves it all so much and is flexible enough and believes in themselves that they can make it all happen? Where does someone start? How is a decision made and how can someone trust themselves to know that they're doing the right thing? AND.. how can someone do something they don't know they'll like until they actually go ahead and do it, and not be afraid to fail in the process and be classed a quiter?

Try things.. and never be afraid to "bail". Never be afraid that other people will judge you for not finishing a course you always thought you'd love to do and be good at. Never see "trying things" as a waste of time. Never see yourself as a loser, for not completing something. Never put yourself down, for not having the talent you thought you had or you would have loved to have.

A few examples as to how I have made decisions and lived my life, so far.. The past 2years, I got interested in yoga. I absolutely loved it. I would do it obsessively all for the wrong reasons. I had, somewhere along the line, said that I'd love to do a course and become a yoga teacher. I nearly enrolled for a course when I got back from traveling, but financial reasons eventually stopped me. About 3 years ago, I started to get interested in acting. I did a course and loved it. But I was probably one of the worst in the class which didn't matter to me because I thought I was brilliant and I enjoyed it. I started looking into doing drama school and more acting courses.. but I was planning to go to Oz so those "dreams" never ran it's course. Around 3 or 4 years ago, I wanted to be study psychology. I looked into doing a 4 year degree but, again, as soon as the financial side of it was brought to light, I knocked it on the head.

Another few occupations I believed I was set on this earth to fulfil..aerobic teacher, choreographer, presenter, writer, journalist.. Those are only a few minor career choices I wanted to take over the past 4 years, ever since I got my diploma in tourguiding. That was another job or career I needed to pursue.. just because I had always said that's what I wanted to do and also to prove to my lecturers/teachers that I would be a great guide (as they had said I was too wild and too full of life to be a professional guide..well I showed them they were WRONG, after guiding for 5 months with German tourists around this luscious green, very wet and often grey country which turned out to be the hardest job I have ever done in all my life, but on the other hand I learned more in those 5 months than I could ever have imagined as well as realizing that Germans are crazy about banana's, as they give them enough energy and calories and are the cheapest way to go from breakfast through to dinner without having to fork out a few euro's for some fish chowder and brown bread at lunchtime..).

So anyhow, back to all the careers I thought/think were/are for me. As I'm writing this, I reckon I'm a crazy and slightly insane human-being..or human-doing as I think about all the things that I would have loved to do somewhere in between all the traveling I have done so far as well as developing an eating disorder.. My head is hurting!!!!! It's just too much and it's not possible for anybody to do it all, unfortunately.

Diann said that by trying things, is the only way anybody can find out what it is they do best and enjoy the most. I have to let go of the fact that I think it's bad to start something and afterwards have to admit that it wasn't for me. I've never been someone to give up. I'll see anything through to the bitter end, no matter how boring, stressful, draining or depressing something makes me feel. I always had this thing in my head.."Now that I've said that I MUST do it.. I HAVE see it through".. (and I'd secretly curse to myself for mentioning it, but that wouldn't matter and it wouldn't stop me either).

It's just like the job I still have waiting for me back in Holland. I hated it so much when I was there, but I needed to stay for a whole year. Why? just... because.. I had said I wanted to work in a travel agency, so I have to do it even if it did bring me down and depress and stress me out.. Ironic isn't it? Was I trying to prove to the world that I didn't make the wrong choice as to what it was I wanted to do with my life? But who was judging me? The "world" was never going to tell me: "Niamh, it's okay now, you've proved that you can do it, you can stop now". There was absolutely nobody there judging me or presurizing me.. N O B O D Y.. I mean, it wasn't even as if I had a boyfriend telling me to stick it out or that my Ma was on the phone everyday telling me hold on to that ****** job. I was only one trying to prove something to myself. It would have made me feel like a quitter and a failure if I'd have left after a couple of months.

So, back on track.. If I can get myself to let go of feeling like a loser when I turn out to not be good at something or to not like something..then I can let myself embrace the experience and be grateful for having had the opportunity. If anything, it would give me peace of mind to know that that certain direction wasn't intended for me. That should be a good thing right??

I would look at other people around me and see them do exactly that. They're trying different directions in life, to finally find out what it is that they're good at and where they want to be and go. I would encourage it and see it as positive thing for THEM but not for me. I've a classic example: Our little Eileen. She's being trying her hand at so many different jobs since she's finished school. She's tried working with kids, working with as a special needs assistant, she's tried hair-dressing, telesales, beautician, waitressing, massage therapy..there's probably more.. and at the moment she's in a clothes shop, seeing if that suits her. I've said to her before that at least now she knows what it is she DOESN'T like or want to do. For her it's fine. So why wouldn't it be fine for me to do the same?

I've always been too hard on myself, in every aspect of my life, hence the eating disorder. Anytime I'd say I intend on doing something, I'd easily have visions of this particular action being taken while Anna is lashing me with a whip, punishing me for saying outloud what it is that I wanted to do. Is that making sense? I'm just putting it into perspective..

All this career talk..it's making me thirsty.. tea time!!
Back in a mo..

Happy-Hour Part 1

The only hour of the week that makes me feel alive. The only hour when I feel I'm allowed to come to life, in whatever way I want. So I do. Coming alive doesn't have to mean being happy, but feeling alive inside can also be by letting out the worries, troubles and tears and talking about the fears and frustrations. When emotions are being brought up, whatever they may be and how good or bad they may feel, that's a sign and a feeling of being alive.

Today it was a nice feeling. It was upbeat because I was upbeat. It was troublesome, because somehow the things that were occupying my mind this week, were also troublesome. Which is so strange because I felt like I had had such a bad week. But speaking about it all and hearing me say the words, didn't make me feel like the ****** I was feeling on some of the days during the week. It just goes to show, that somethings don't always have to feel as awful and bad if they are being relived. Whatever it was that was bothering me and bringing me down, doesn't always have to have to same effect on my mood. So the disgusting feeling wasn't half as strong as it was first time round.

I was telling Diann today about how I had been feeling sick during the week and how it had kind of wrecked my head. She said there's a vomiting bug going round, but I couldn't have got it because nobody else in the house was vomiting. So it must have been something in the sweet potatoe. "A bad batch"..as they would call it. It's a bit of shame, because I enjoyed them so much, but the thoughts of them just turns my stomach, even now that my stomach is back to normal again. That was obviously what was going on.

So we were chatting (or I was ranting, to be quite honest) about Saturday afternoon. I was telling her about the walk I went on, for a whole 15 minutes. The walk that I thought I needed and would make me feel better, but didn't. It only frustrated me even more than I already was because, due to lack of energy, I wasn't able to go further than around the block. I knew the only way I could have gotten rid of that trapped feeling I had in my chest, was to go for a LONG walk. Not an option I'm afraid... When I got back home after walking and realizing I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and that, once again,, this is where I'm "stuck" for now... I sat behind the window and wanted to scream my lunges out. I wanted to roar my head off. I wanted to just explode for feeling so trapped.. What was I to do, when feeling this so strongly but not being able to do anything about it? I had to sit it out and wait patiently for it to pass..

This feeling has come and gone over the past months, but Saturday it was probably the worst and strongest I've ever felt it. I'm almost scared that this feeling is going to get worse and worse over the next few weeks and I also know why. It's because the life inside of me is willing and bursting to get out. Things are getting clearer and clearer and I'm learning and learning and getting stronger BUT STILL HAVE NO ENERGY!!!! That's the whole problem at the moment and it's what's getting to me the most. The fact that I want to express myself to the world. I need to start experiencing. I need to put all this goodness and energy I'm feeling inside, to good use. It needs to escape and I need to escape. But my body is holding me back. I'm physically not yet able.

The more I'm feeling great on the inside, the more it's going to get to me and the more restrained I'll feel for not being able to do what it is that I want to do. As I already discovered during the week, by restraining myself food-wise, I've also restrained myself physically. But I'm lifting the "restraining-order" (to use some police terms..) between me and food so the "restraining-order" between me and my dreams can also be lifted.. They will hopefully both be lifted, soon I hope. Or else I might go insane.

Anyhow, Today Diann could see exactly where I am right now. I'm at a stage where things need to start happening again. I'm in a position to be able to look forward and make plans.. for the future. I'm even, on good days, in a position to look back over the past 6 months and see how far I've come and slowly come to terms with what's been going on (I actually think I've been doing that anyhow, without realizing)...but I'm not going to get into that aspect just right now. No, today it's about me starting to slowly trust myself not to panic about thinking ahead and trusting myself not to slip back into my old habits, as I start thinking about where I want to go, and what I want to do.

Slipping back into my old habits, by looking forward and making plans?? I'll explain.. 2 or 3 months ago, I wasn't able to think about what I wanted to do with my life or where I wanted to be. Whenever I tried, I'd end up freaking out about being in Arklow. I'd end up hating myself for putting myself through this ordeal as it made it impossible for me to travel and to have a social life and to feel on top of the world (by the way..that's the place I love most in the whole wide world.. the top of it..) . I'd end up feeling low and depressed. I'd end up feeling stress and pressure. I'd see websites about South-America for instance, and I'd try to plan how much money and time I'd need to make it possible for me to get to that certain place. I'd put pressure on myself to get better which would automatically create a knot inside my head. I wouldn't be able or let myself feel relaxed or chilled-out because that would mean that I wasn't doing any work to fight Anna. It would mean that I was lazy and it would mean that I should really be back at work.

All these feelings combined, into one little parcel, wrapped up tightly, looking contained on the outside, but the ribbon would be too tightly tied, so everything inside this parcel would be screaming. All the time, constantly. On the outside all looks as it should. The parcel is being as it should be. But it really wasn't. This parcel, being my head and my heart.. All these feelings brewing inside of me just by trying to plan ahead. That's what it would do to me. And the end result of it all? A longer road to good health which in turn would also mean any future plans to stay just that.. Future..never to be called "present".. and Plans..never to be experienced.

So, today I was talking about this to Diann. If a feeling of being trapped causes me to feel claustrophobic and it's so immense, then that should be a sure sign of my body telling me that it wants and more importantly NEEDS more. It's not a feeling of isolation. That's different again. Yes, both terms can indicate being trapped and shut off. But being isolated seems to be the thing I once chose to be. But claustrophobic is a feeling of caused by a space feeling too small and walls being too near. The fear related to the space in which someone must evolve is overwhelming. A person doesn't choose to feel claustrophobic. It's the body's way of telling you, it's too small for you to feel comfortable and to breathe properly. Saturday, the feeling I had, it was telling me, that my soul couldn't breathe. It needed more to be able to be as it should be and to feel safe. The 4 walls of this house didn't give me that feeling..

A person can choose to feel isolated. That doesn't necessarily have to mean fear. Some people like living an isolated life. A person can build an invisible wall around them, in an open space and be isolated. I sometimes would feel isolated even surrounded by people. Sometimes I can still be overcome by this. Sometimes I might still want isolation. But I don't want to feel like the walls are coming in around me and that's claustrophobic. It's like there's no way out. If there was a way out and you knew about it, then you wouldn't be scared of never seeing the door. Because you would know it's there. However, Saturday afternoon I couldn't see there ever being a way out. There was no exit sign. There was no indication as to where I was going and how I was ever going to get there.

The feeling passed..I sat it out and waited patiently.
To be continued

The guiding star

Over the past weeks, I've been thinking about therapy and about what it does and I've been thinking about Diann a lot too. Well, of course I think about her. Whenever the slightest little problem, thought or emotion comes up and I'm lost, I think about what she would tell me to do or what advice she'd give and sometimes I'd even hear her voice in my head, asking me the exact questions she needs to ask, in order for me to see sense.

I've been realizing, now that things are making more sense and I'm learning more and more, just how amazing she is. I've been seeing how blessed I am to have been brought to her.. all because of my wonderful Ma, who bumped into her contact-details on the Internet, back in July. I can't put into words just how grateful I am. Diann is such an amazing person. She's been one of the only people (except Ma) I've spoken to over the past 6 months about anything worth mentioning. There was a time when that hour on a Monday, was the only time I'd speak.

I can't really remember the first time I went to see her. Well, not in great detail anyhow. All I remember is thinking how amazing she was for she had beaten Anna herself. She sat in front of me, full of life, strong with so much knowledge and experience. So much charisma, personality all the while glowing. Just seeing her, was an inspiration. That was even before I started to learn from her and before she started to guide me. For someone to come through anorexia and be in the position to care and help others through the same ordeal, I find absolutely amazing. For months I would wonder how she could eat normally herself, when seeing skinny girls all day long who occupy their minds 24 hours a day by thinking, dreaming, hating, craving and avoiding food. How can she not NOT do that herself? How can she be so strong and not give-in to Anna? How can she NOT crave to be skinny instead of crave to eat yummy food?

Sometimes I still can't get my head around it. Because, for me, if I so much as hear about another girl have anorexia, I can want it so badly, again. I don't know how I would be effected if I actually SAW someone with it.. It would probably send me crazy. I would also wonder, why she wouldn't be jealous of girls in my position. I would wonder what made her happy if she doesn't starve herself. I would wonder what gets her through the day without skipping meals. Because I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

She is so wise and so young at the same time. She's a free spirit, she's doesn't judge and she's never told me I'm wrong or silly for speaking my mind. She knows so much and always says exactly the right thing. So many times I have walked into her room with the weight of the world on my shoulders and feeling like the failure, the ugly duckling, the ***** ** ****.. the words go on and on.. But she has always succeeded in making me walk out of there, feeling light, revitalized, worthy and special. Just by talking to her..sometimes she wouldn't even need to say a lot, it's just the effect she has..

I've never said any of this to her. I don't want to pry and for a long time it was too hard for me to even think properly or talk properly about girls who have recovered. So I just left all those questions alone. Instead I've been admiring her and because of this admiration I now know for a fact that I was meant to meet her. It wasn't luck. Our paths were destined to cross. For someone to have changed my life so drastically in such a short space of time and for me too see the world and life for what it really is, could only have happened because it was meant to. Some people might not believe in destiny. But I do and even more since meeting Diann.

I wrote her a poem for Christmas...

A shining star that can't be ignored, as it's the brightest by a mile
Reflecting so much wisdom and belief, accompanied by a smile
Encouraging another to find their own soul and glimmering light
As sparkles are strengthened by her presence and by her sight
The brightness is inspiring that certain soul to forever and always breathe
And to cherish every fibre of being that grows, as she helped plant that seed
Her spirit so strong and never weakened by grief, sadness or pain
So powerful a person and an inspiration to all, she'll forever remain
She's a shining star, the light in the darkness and a guide, one to never forget
And there's one person who'll forever be grateful for their paths to have met...

I've never told her how great I think she is. That's just the whole barrier I have between me and the rest of world. No matter much love I feel for anybody around me, I can't always bring myself to say it. Sometimes I can, sometimes there's something stopping me (I must say it's slowly getting easier). It's a Ronan Keating from Boyzone once said "It's only words and words are all I have.."..on paper, in my case.. I don't have anything else (don't think I'm a Boyzone fan now or anything..I'm DEFINITELY not!!) So I hope by means of this poem she might know just how special she is to me.

I could go on and on, but I won't bore you. I just think she's amazing and am forever grateful.. My guide.

Weekend Adventures

Not a great day.. Yesterday. Real bad to be honest. The stomach-thing I had going on, last Tuesday and Wednesday, struck again yesterday afternoon. I wasn't doing too well before it struck either, so it just made everything 10 times worse than it already was.

Throughout the morning and into the early afternoon, I had dug myself into a hole, for some reason. I wasn't able to get out of it. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I didn't want to. I was agitated, restless and started feeling claustrophobic. Every person, remark and noise was enough to send me bonkers. I don't know what came over me. I had to get out of the house. On my own. Without anybody. I needed me-time and fresh air. So I put my coat on and went for a walk around the block. I was only gone for 15 minutes. I didn't enjoy it, it was too windy and all I wanted to do was break down and cry, but I couldn't..all the cars passing by would see this person strolling along, balling her eyes out.. I probably looked like death-walking anyhow which wasn't a good thing either. I needed to get indoors, where I could let it all out.

After 15 minutes I went back home again and straight upstairs and that was me..done for the next 3 or 4 hours.. I lost track of time. Because the only thing that was keeping my mind occupied was how disgusting I was feeling, how trapped I was in this house, how alone I was, how much I was wanting and needing to leave this place, how much I hated myself for being here. The pain in my stomach started around the same time and it only got worse. I started vomiting too which brought up a whole load of different stuff. Not literally.. But something happened and I'm not too sure what it was. I felt so rough. I didn't eat until 8 in the evening. I tried to have just some plain toast. But I couldn't keep it down and 10 minutes later I was empty again. I was restless from feeling so sick, but the more I moved the worse I felt. So I went to bed and needed to lie as still as possible to keep my stomach from going mad. So that's where I stayed the rest of the evening.

All I kept thinking about was my breakfast. I couldn't wait for morning to come and for the queasiness to pass. It was so strange but the thoughts of food was making me feel worse but that didn't make me happy at all. It could have been a great excuse for me not to eat, but honestly, I was bumming.. All I wanted was for that feeling to go away so I could eat everything and anything I wanted. My whole day, ruined because I couldn't eat. Then the thoughts of food and the kitchen started to make me feel so angry that all I wanted to do was go downstairs and throw everything edible in the bin. I could see me doing it. The vomiting and the thoughts of food just messed up my head completely, so badly that I didn't know what was going at one stage. By 11 or 12 o'clock it eased off, thankfully.

I had a pretty good sleep too. I let myself have it and gave in to it, as much as I could because that afternoon I was such a mess and had gone through too much **** of which I still don't know the meaning. Looking back on it, I couldn't believe that was me and I knew how much I had put myself through (not that it was my fault or anything) and therefore deserved to rest properly to get over the disastrous afternoon and evening.

This morning I woke up and there weren't any pains. They had gone. There was no more queasy feeling. So I had breakfast and I felt fine. I had lunch and I felt fine. But I didn't have a sweet potato for lunch, like I have nearly everyday. The thoughts of having one, just made me feel sick again. I think the spuds might have had something to do with me having been sick too.. Because, just like Tuesday and Wednesday, the feeling started after I had eaten them. So now.. I'll probably never have another sweet potato for as long as I live. What a shame because I used to enjoy them so much. O well, I'm not too worried about that, because it will just force for to try different things for lunch. It might also force me to have a normal lunch like everybody else.. which is bread. It might help me get over the "fear" of eating too much of it (as it is, I have 1 slice in the morning, but I'm still weary of eating too much stodge). So for lunch today, I had a toasted sandwich with prawns and I felt fine afterwards.

Even though I wasn't feeling sick this morning, I was at all too chirpy. The same feeling of being claustrophobic made me so upset and around noon I was ready to go mad again or go back to bed and cry my eyes out. But I didn't. I had to pick myself up again so I did some Christmas shopping down the town. That got me out of the house. And it was so nice. It wasn't too busy.. a lot of people but it was all very calm for some reason. There were carol singers too, which nearly made me cry. I wasn't too tired and I was able to stick it out for 2 or so. Which is pretty good going.

So, that's another weekend in this adventurous and reckless life of mine. I survived it and haven't yet gone insane. If there's anything I can say about them, it's that I never let them bore me anyhow.