It's STILL Saturday morning.. or afternoon already.. But Friday is on my mind. Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling a little better around 4 o'clock. So me and Orla and little Enya decided to go up town. Just to the supermarket and to the only proper clothes shop they have here in Axel.. Deto Jeans.
Anyhow, all was okay. I knew that I didn't have be anything other than me around Orla and Emma. They know the drill. I know the drill. No expectations. But still, I pushed myself. Orla told me, if I wanted to go home, just to say. But oh no.. just like not wanting to sit down in the airport while we were waiting to board the plane..too subborn to admit that I wasn't feeling good. The thing is, I wanted to feel good. But wanting and actually being something are two totally different things. It's so hard and frustrating..
We were out for an hour and a half. In the clothes shop I ended up sitting down on a small table in one of the changing rooms, just to regain some energy to get me back home. I don't know why I couldn't just say the dreaded words: "I want to go home.." Probably because I didn't want to. But I had to.
Back in Orla's, Arno asked me how I was. I was on the verge of tears. But I didn't show them. I wasn't allowed to think about how awful I really felt. They wouldn't have thought any less of me if I had broken down, but I wouldn't let myself. And then I was soooo grateful that Orla cooked my dinner. Walking to the car in town and being overtaken by an 80 year-old woman carrying heavy shopping bags, all I could think about was my bed back in Orla's. In the car I was thinking about my bed back in Arklow. If Orla wouldn't have been so good as to cook the dinner, I wouldn't have eaten. I would have gone to bed and more than likely I wouldn't have gotten up. I needed my dinner so badly. Orla didn't fuss, she just asked me how I usually cook the salmon and veggies.. she got on with it and within 20 minutes I was eating. The salmon with veggies and rice. I didn't even think about the portion size of the rice. I didn't care, I just needed food and rest. I enjoyed it so much.
I didn't move off the couch for the rest of the evening. My body was aching and my back was sore. If I did get up, it was only to go to the loo.. slowly. I wasn't allowed to beat myself up, for overdoing it again. I couldn't keep on doing that. What's done is done.. end of. Dwelling and worrying would only make it worse. And I was in no fit state to make myself feel that way. I had a digestive biscuit last night. I could have felt fat and disgusting but I didn't have the energy to worry about it. I just needed to rest.
Around 11 I went to bed and I actually asked myself.. Is my body going to crumble and fall apart. The level of exhaustion was totally different from the night before or from Sunday last week. I knew it would take me ages to get over it. Everything would have to be at a snailspace.. Drink would have to be a minimum.. Walking would also have to be a little as possible.. Sleep sleep sleep... I even thought to myself: Is this what it feels like to be on downhill slope and to know that you're never ever going to get better or get your strength back? I was so worried, because my heart rate was different again.. But, just like Thursday night, I knew that I would feel better in the morning.
I had a better nightsleep and this morning I felt more rested again. What sleep can do to a body, is unreal..
Saturday, November 29, 2008
My dear friends
Friday afternoon I couldn't decide whether or not to meet up with 4 riends of mine, Natasja, Jorien, Wendy and Janneke. Even though I felt so awful, I knew if I just pushed myself a little, I would be able to make it. I'd get there and the happiness I'd feel by seeing them all, would give me natural buzz to get through an hour of being with them. But in saying that, it doesn't sound like the best way to go about things. If I would have met up with them, I'd have been exhausted afterwards and Saturday would be a day for recuperating..
Friday was supposed to that day..the day to get over the journey. So I texted them, letting them know, I wouldn't be meeting them today. I felt so awful and like a proper failure. But either way I wouldn't have been happy with myself. Because doing good or bad, can both send my head into turmoil. Therefore it's better to choose the right thing, with taking Fay into account and without taking the turmoil in head into account.
If I would have met up with them, even if it were for an hour, I wouldn't have been able to fully be aware of everything going on around me. I wouldn't have been able to express my enthusiasm and interest in their lives. I wouldn't have had the energy. Guilt wouldn't have played a part. If only it was the guilt tormenting me, it would have been easier because I can turn off to that, but feeling drained is something I can't turn off.
When I see them, I want to properly hear everything their saying and properly hear about their lives. I don't want to sit there like a zombie and feel lifeless and like a loser for not acting the way I so badly want to.
I can imagine it's so hard for anybody to understand how it feels. Because it's not just like being tired after working 8 hours and then cycling 10 or 15 kilometres. Some people might think.. We can just drink some tea and don't have to do anything, or put Niamh on a chair when she gets tired..If only it were that simple. Being around too many people can cause me set up the guard inside my head and to zone out, in order to get myself through a "stressfull" few hours..."stress" as in..not being in my comfort-zone. If this happens or not, it all depends on how tired I am and the surroundings I'm in. At home, a lot has to happen for me to zone-out. But in the open-air, sometimes nothing has to happen for me to automatically zone-out. Come to of it, this could have happened on Thursday during the journey and my first night back in Axel.
Seeing my friends again, would make me see just how drained I still am. It's hard enough being around family and seeing and hearing about their lives, without having the grief of hearing and seeing how my friends are all living too. It may sound awful and I may sound resentful but I'm not. Really I'm not. I want nothing more than for them all to be as happy as they can be. But I want to be able to feel their happiness too. I know they don't expect me to be on top of the world, right now, but that's how I want to be..on top of the world... and I'm not, so it frustrates me.
Meeting up with the 5 of us, would be too much. So I've said that I'll meet up with Natasja on Monday. She has just had a baby, 3 weeks ago and she's my priority. The 5 of us together, would mean that I would have to spread myself around.. and I don't want that. Natasja has just been through the most important time of her life, and I want to hear PROPERLY about it all.. That's why I have to make a choice, no matter how bad I felt. Once I'd made up my mind, the pressure fell of my shoulders. It was so nice and I enjoyed it. I instantly felt a little stronger. Suddenly feeling better of course made me think that I might have been able to meet up with them, afterall, but that's just me going round and round in circles and overthinking and analyzing everything..
I can't wait to see Natasja's little baby on Monday.. I'll have rested enough, which is what I plan to do on Sunday.. I hate the word plan, it scares the life out of me.. but planning to rest, isn't a stressful situation..
Friday was supposed to that day..the day to get over the journey. So I texted them, letting them know, I wouldn't be meeting them today. I felt so awful and like a proper failure. But either way I wouldn't have been happy with myself. Because doing good or bad, can both send my head into turmoil. Therefore it's better to choose the right thing, with taking Fay into account and without taking the turmoil in head into account.
If I would have met up with them, even if it were for an hour, I wouldn't have been able to fully be aware of everything going on around me. I wouldn't have been able to express my enthusiasm and interest in their lives. I wouldn't have had the energy. Guilt wouldn't have played a part. If only it was the guilt tormenting me, it would have been easier because I can turn off to that, but feeling drained is something I can't turn off.
When I see them, I want to properly hear everything their saying and properly hear about their lives. I don't want to sit there like a zombie and feel lifeless and like a loser for not acting the way I so badly want to.
I can imagine it's so hard for anybody to understand how it feels. Because it's not just like being tired after working 8 hours and then cycling 10 or 15 kilometres. Some people might think.. We can just drink some tea and don't have to do anything, or put Niamh on a chair when she gets tired..If only it were that simple. Being around too many people can cause me set up the guard inside my head and to zone out, in order to get myself through a "stressfull" few hours..."stress" as in..not being in my comfort-zone. If this happens or not, it all depends on how tired I am and the surroundings I'm in. At home, a lot has to happen for me to zone-out. But in the open-air, sometimes nothing has to happen for me to automatically zone-out. Come to of it, this could have happened on Thursday during the journey and my first night back in Axel.
Seeing my friends again, would make me see just how drained I still am. It's hard enough being around family and seeing and hearing about their lives, without having the grief of hearing and seeing how my friends are all living too. It may sound awful and I may sound resentful but I'm not. Really I'm not. I want nothing more than for them all to be as happy as they can be. But I want to be able to feel their happiness too. I know they don't expect me to be on top of the world, right now, but that's how I want to be..on top of the world... and I'm not, so it frustrates me.
Meeting up with the 5 of us, would be too much. So I've said that I'll meet up with Natasja on Monday. She has just had a baby, 3 weeks ago and she's my priority. The 5 of us together, would mean that I would have to spread myself around.. and I don't want that. Natasja has just been through the most important time of her life, and I want to hear PROPERLY about it all.. That's why I have to make a choice, no matter how bad I felt. Once I'd made up my mind, the pressure fell of my shoulders. It was so nice and I enjoyed it. I instantly felt a little stronger. Suddenly feeling better of course made me think that I might have been able to meet up with them, afterall, but that's just me going round and round in circles and overthinking and analyzing everything..
I can't wait to see Natasja's little baby on Monday.. I'll have rested enough, which is what I plan to do on Sunday.. I hate the word plan, it scares the life out of me.. but planning to rest, isn't a stressful situation..
Waking on a Friday morning..
Friday morning I woke up, and I was still tired. My head was so awake but my body was still sleeping. It was still exhausted. It was half 6 and the first thing that came to mind was.. o no, I have to decide today what it is I want to do. I couldn't bare the thoughts of having to plan that far ahead. But I couldn't stop worrying.
I lay in bed for an hour or so, hoping to get some more sleep, but it wasn't happening. I was too wired. Then there was the thought of food. O no. Orla had bought some of the "safe" foods that are on my daily menu. That was so sweet. But nothing is the same as back at home. The food is obviously going to be different. The muesli is different, the yogurt is different, the bread is different (I've always preffered Dutch bread to Irish, so I'm glad of that), the potatoes and sausages are different. Even the fruit. But what did I expect? I thought that if I knew I had all the food waiting for me, I would feel safe because I would always be able to fall back on that. But it was all different, so nothing was safe, so my safety-net wasn't there to catch me, should I fall. It was different. The calories, the texture.. everything. So it didn't make me feel safe at all.
As I said earlier on, I underestimated the effect having to eat different food would have on me. Every meal is like a challenge. It's different and it therefore makes me feel different. It's like I'm being introduced to different foods at every moment, which is hard to deal with. Along with trying to get through this, there's this whole different environment I'm in and I'm around different people too. There's a different buzz around me, a different kind of pressure and there are different things being expected from me.
I know Emma, Orla and Sean don't expect anything from me. But I might expect things from myself. The last time I was in Holland, I was a mess, but I was still full of life and I tried to the busy and the funny one.. the one who partied and who met up with friends all over the country. The one who could go for days without having a proper meal and the one who could drink like a fish even when weighing 36 kilo's.
It's not that weird that all this is coming back to haunt me and of course the memories that are returning, whilst being here in Axel, are going to have some effect on me and take their toll. I've never been in Orla's house without trying to starve myself. I would always stare at all the food she has in the cupboard underneath the stairs, I would drool but I'd NEVER touch it. Now, it's all so different. I think it's only normal that I'm worried my old habits might try to slip in. But they haven't. They just simply can't. For keeping the old habits out, I'm loosing some control and with that I'm loosing energy, so I'm not my usual chirpy self.. It's either old habits or lifeless and quiet this weekend..and it's wise to go with the latter.
Yesterday morning, I had yogurt with muesli. I wasn't sure of the portion size and I wasn't sure of the amount of yogurt to have. I didn't know if it was the same amount as I would usually have. The texture of the muesli is different aswell so I didn't know how many spoonfulls to have. I couldn't judge it properly. I missed my own breakfast so much. But I wasn't going to let it get me down. Anna wasn't allowed to take control. She didn't. I had my breakfast, no knowing if it was enough. Because when I usually have my breakfast, I scrape the bowl, even if I'm already stuffed after the first two mouthfuls. That's what I have to do, because I can't trust my head telling me to have more or less. I just eat the same amount every morning. Yesterday I ate what I guessed was the same portion-size and I wanted to forget about it and not dwell on it being right or wrong. I told myself there'll be so many more breakfasts waiting for me back at home, this one day of missing it so much, isn't going to kill me.
I went back to bed by 10 o'clock. I had only been up for 2 hours. But I needed silence around me. I didn't want to smile when others were smiling. I didn't have the energy. I wasn't able to be happy and as enthusiastic as I would have wanted to be. It just wasn't in there.. no matter how much food I ate, I was still feeling nothingness. I didn't want to think about the next hours or days. I just wanted to lie in bed and be alone and let myself feel awful if that's the way I was feeling.
That's what I did.. I went back to bed for 2 hours and that's where I wanted to stay, but I had to get up to eat again. My stomach was finally starting to rumble. I went downstairs, had 2 slices of toast with a vegetarian sausage. It was okay, but again, it was different, so I was never going to fully enjoy it. I didn't know what was in it, and I didn't know if it was good for me or not.. I had my supplement drink and went back to bed again, for another few hours.
I lay there, and felt like I was going to crumble. Whenever I would just think and daydream, I wouldn't feel the pain. But then I would ask myself.. Can I meet up with my mates? And my body would literally start screaming.. it was it's way of letting me know that it's not going to happen.. NO WAY!! I was throbbing from head to toe, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was so awake and sometimes fuzzy but my body was asleep. Once I got up and slowly moved around the house, I was feeling okay again.. Recovering is up and down.. all the time..
I lay in bed for an hour or so, hoping to get some more sleep, but it wasn't happening. I was too wired. Then there was the thought of food. O no. Orla had bought some of the "safe" foods that are on my daily menu. That was so sweet. But nothing is the same as back at home. The food is obviously going to be different. The muesli is different, the yogurt is different, the bread is different (I've always preffered Dutch bread to Irish, so I'm glad of that), the potatoes and sausages are different. Even the fruit. But what did I expect? I thought that if I knew I had all the food waiting for me, I would feel safe because I would always be able to fall back on that. But it was all different, so nothing was safe, so my safety-net wasn't there to catch me, should I fall. It was different. The calories, the texture.. everything. So it didn't make me feel safe at all.
As I said earlier on, I underestimated the effect having to eat different food would have on me. Every meal is like a challenge. It's different and it therefore makes me feel different. It's like I'm being introduced to different foods at every moment, which is hard to deal with. Along with trying to get through this, there's this whole different environment I'm in and I'm around different people too. There's a different buzz around me, a different kind of pressure and there are different things being expected from me.
I know Emma, Orla and Sean don't expect anything from me. But I might expect things from myself. The last time I was in Holland, I was a mess, but I was still full of life and I tried to the busy and the funny one.. the one who partied and who met up with friends all over the country. The one who could go for days without having a proper meal and the one who could drink like a fish even when weighing 36 kilo's.
It's not that weird that all this is coming back to haunt me and of course the memories that are returning, whilst being here in Axel, are going to have some effect on me and take their toll. I've never been in Orla's house without trying to starve myself. I would always stare at all the food she has in the cupboard underneath the stairs, I would drool but I'd NEVER touch it. Now, it's all so different. I think it's only normal that I'm worried my old habits might try to slip in. But they haven't. They just simply can't. For keeping the old habits out, I'm loosing some control and with that I'm loosing energy, so I'm not my usual chirpy self.. It's either old habits or lifeless and quiet this weekend..and it's wise to go with the latter.
Yesterday morning, I had yogurt with muesli. I wasn't sure of the portion size and I wasn't sure of the amount of yogurt to have. I didn't know if it was the same amount as I would usually have. The texture of the muesli is different aswell so I didn't know how many spoonfulls to have. I couldn't judge it properly. I missed my own breakfast so much. But I wasn't going to let it get me down. Anna wasn't allowed to take control. She didn't. I had my breakfast, no knowing if it was enough. Because when I usually have my breakfast, I scrape the bowl, even if I'm already stuffed after the first two mouthfuls. That's what I have to do, because I can't trust my head telling me to have more or less. I just eat the same amount every morning. Yesterday I ate what I guessed was the same portion-size and I wanted to forget about it and not dwell on it being right or wrong. I told myself there'll be so many more breakfasts waiting for me back at home, this one day of missing it so much, isn't going to kill me.
I went back to bed by 10 o'clock. I had only been up for 2 hours. But I needed silence around me. I didn't want to smile when others were smiling. I didn't have the energy. I wasn't able to be happy and as enthusiastic as I would have wanted to be. It just wasn't in there.. no matter how much food I ate, I was still feeling nothingness. I didn't want to think about the next hours or days. I just wanted to lie in bed and be alone and let myself feel awful if that's the way I was feeling.
That's what I did.. I went back to bed for 2 hours and that's where I wanted to stay, but I had to get up to eat again. My stomach was finally starting to rumble. I went downstairs, had 2 slices of toast with a vegetarian sausage. It was okay, but again, it was different, so I was never going to fully enjoy it. I didn't know what was in it, and I didn't know if it was good for me or not.. I had my supplement drink and went back to bed again, for another few hours.
I lay there, and felt like I was going to crumble. Whenever I would just think and daydream, I wouldn't feel the pain. But then I would ask myself.. Can I meet up with my mates? And my body would literally start screaming.. it was it's way of letting me know that it's not going to happen.. NO WAY!! I was throbbing from head to toe, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was so awake and sometimes fuzzy but my body was asleep. Once I got up and slowly moved around the house, I was feeling okay again.. Recovering is up and down.. all the time..
A bed away from home
I lay in a different bed, for the first time in 5 months, on Thursday night. It wasn't nice and I wasn't happy. I felt alien. I didn't know why I was here and why I had put myself through that awful journey and why I hadn't eaten enough all day and why had I stood too long at the gates before boarding the plane.. WHY WHY WHY?
The pressure of it all was too much, but I had brought it all on myself. It was my own doing. That's what makes it worse.
I had moved myself from Arklow to Axel, in the space of 8 hours. I had moved my grief, my body, my empty stomach and Anna from one place on this planet to another. It was still all there, nothing had changed. Everything just felt worse, if anything. I didn't see the point in me being Holland. I didn't need to be here. Because the next 4 days, all I wanted was sleep and rest to get over the journey and to regain energy again to get back to my bed in Arklow, where I'm safe and where I look after myself.
I had to go to that place inside of me, where everything is always okay. It was still there. My world was still the same colour as it was back in Arklow. Only now, there was no comfort. Nothing to make me feel better.. or so it seemed looking back on Thursday night. The only thing I had done was prove that I'm stronger than I was 2months ago, by getting through the journey. But to who had I proved it? To my family and myself. But I don't have to prove anything, even though that's how it felt. I had also proved and I felt so strongly that I'm still far from being able to physically live a busy daily life. This didn't make me feel too happy either.
My comfort-zone had gone. Back in Arklow, I had my familiar food to comfort me. I had the easy feeling of being able to be grumpy. I didn't have to do anything other than think and look forward to food. Back in Arklow I didn't have to plan the next day and I didn't have to feel bad for not wanting to meet up with friends. But here it's all different. My life for next 4 days will be different. I didn't want it to be.
I had to remind myself over and over again what Diann had said on Tuesday eveing.. Niamh, take one day at a time and if you're not feeling up to it, then don't do anything. On Thursday night, the way I was feeling told me just be feel what I'm feeling at that moment.. And that was.. exhaustion. It was the main feeling, so I needed to focus on getting that back to normal. I needed to sleep and to rest. Friday I will think about Friday and Thursday night I was TRYING to think about Thursday night.
I wrapped my arms around, thinking that was the only thing that would make me feel safe. My supplements were in the frigde I still have my blog.. That's all. Thinking about these things, I tried to feel safe. But there was a pressure in my chest. My heartbeat felt different. Not faster, not slower, just different. It felt as if there was no life inside of me. It was still empty and food and nutrition wouldn't fill it. It was a different kind of nothingness. I kept on hoping so desperately that I hadn't done any damage. Because 4 days in Holland, is just not worth it. I knew I'd feel a difference in the morning.
It took me forever to get to sleep. I had bad dreams and was seeing things and having visions all night. I was making myself go insane, to be quite honest. But I couldn't help it. I was trying to fight it, but I couldn't. What energy did I have to anything other than lie in bed and let the thoughts just float around in my head? No energy so no fighting. Just being..
The pressure of it all was too much, but I had brought it all on myself. It was my own doing. That's what makes it worse.
I had moved myself from Arklow to Axel, in the space of 8 hours. I had moved my grief, my body, my empty stomach and Anna from one place on this planet to another. It was still all there, nothing had changed. Everything just felt worse, if anything. I didn't see the point in me being Holland. I didn't need to be here. Because the next 4 days, all I wanted was sleep and rest to get over the journey and to regain energy again to get back to my bed in Arklow, where I'm safe and where I look after myself.
I had to go to that place inside of me, where everything is always okay. It was still there. My world was still the same colour as it was back in Arklow. Only now, there was no comfort. Nothing to make me feel better.. or so it seemed looking back on Thursday night. The only thing I had done was prove that I'm stronger than I was 2months ago, by getting through the journey. But to who had I proved it? To my family and myself. But I don't have to prove anything, even though that's how it felt. I had also proved and I felt so strongly that I'm still far from being able to physically live a busy daily life. This didn't make me feel too happy either.
My comfort-zone had gone. Back in Arklow, I had my familiar food to comfort me. I had the easy feeling of being able to be grumpy. I didn't have to do anything other than think and look forward to food. Back in Arklow I didn't have to plan the next day and I didn't have to feel bad for not wanting to meet up with friends. But here it's all different. My life for next 4 days will be different. I didn't want it to be.
I had to remind myself over and over again what Diann had said on Tuesday eveing.. Niamh, take one day at a time and if you're not feeling up to it, then don't do anything. On Thursday night, the way I was feeling told me just be feel what I'm feeling at that moment.. And that was.. exhaustion. It was the main feeling, so I needed to focus on getting that back to normal. I needed to sleep and to rest. Friday I will think about Friday and Thursday night I was TRYING to think about Thursday night.
I wrapped my arms around, thinking that was the only thing that would make me feel safe. My supplements were in the frigde I still have my blog.. That's all. Thinking about these things, I tried to feel safe. But there was a pressure in my chest. My heartbeat felt different. Not faster, not slower, just different. It felt as if there was no life inside of me. It was still empty and food and nutrition wouldn't fill it. It was a different kind of nothingness. I kept on hoping so desperately that I hadn't done any damage. Because 4 days in Holland, is just not worth it. I knew I'd feel a difference in the morning.
It took me forever to get to sleep. I had bad dreams and was seeing things and having visions all night. I was making myself go insane, to be quite honest. But I couldn't help it. I was trying to fight it, but I couldn't. What energy did I have to anything other than lie in bed and let the thoughts just float around in my head? No energy so no fighting. Just being..
Ireland to Holland
It's Saturday morning, and I'm in Holland, at Orla's house. I haven't had a chance or the energy to get on the computer, since I arrived, even though I've only been here since Thursday night. For some reason it feels like I've been here forever. Not sure if that's good or bad. But I'm finally able to sit down and I'm not leaving this computer until it's all out. It feels like there's so much.
The journey, on Thursday went okay. I was dreading it, to begin with. The flight was at 16.40, so we left the house at around 13.30. The airport in Dublin, was probably the worst part of the day. Everybody who has once flown with Ryan Air, from Dublin Airport to whatever destination in Europe, knows that there's miles to walk before you finally get to the gate. Well, Thursday it wasn't any different. It was the only main struggle I had. The check-in and getting through the hussle and bustle at security, was okay. Then the walk started..
Everybody was dashing past me, rushing and running. There were crowds of people and groups and noise. Sean was doing his best not to walk at his normal pace with his long legs.. I wanted to be able to keep up with him, but I just couldn't. I stuck close to the wall, just so the people wouldn't knock me down in their haste. God, I wanted so badly to be able to walk at a normal speed. I felt like an 80 year-old. I saw these car things, with people who weren't able to walk long distances being driven to the gates.. That would have been more up my alley. But I would never have let myself go through with it. I'd be far too subborn to admit that I wasn't really physically able to walk that distance. I realized this, when it was too late and when I was that slow that I actually nearly stopped all together. Poor Sean must have been so embarressed.
We made it to the gates anyhow. That's when I realized that I didn't have enough to eat. It was nearly 4 o'clock and I had eaten my breakfast, a slice of toast, a bowl of fruit and a supplement drink. It was 2 o'clock when ate last. It suddenly dawned on me that it wouldn't be until after 9 o'clock tonight before I'd be able to eat anything. My supplements were in the luggage that we had checked-in. So now.. what was I going to do? If there was any day that I needed to eat at least everything on my food-plan, and possibly more, then it was a day like today. But instead I was going hungry and I was making the journey a little bit more challenging. My energy was low, from all the walking anyhow, even if I would have had enough to eat.. Damn..
In the back of my mind, when I was thinking about food, before leaving home, of course I knew that I should have brought more with me, in my hand luggage. But it made me feel good, I suppose, if I'd have been able to make it through to Axel, without eating.
So we were at the gate, and I started to slightly panic. I asked Sean to go to one of the shops, to buy me a muesli or a granola bar or something of the sort. But they didn't have any, so he bought himself a chocolate bar instead.. how thoughtful..
I didn't have a drink either. Sean had some 7-up zero. I had two mouthfuls, and he looked at me. I snapped asking what the problem was..: "I'm shocked that you're drinking that..".. O no.. What had I done..? He was right, how could I drink something fizzy..I should have gotten a bottle of water, but it was too far to walk, I didn't have enough time either, because the flight was about to board.. Niamh, so bad and so unprepared. How hard can life be, when you don't eat food that hasn't been prepared by yourself and that you don't eat anything without studying the wrapper first.. You can't do that in public. I never realized, I had forgotten and I had underestimated the power Anna would have over, when being under stress and pressure.
To put a little bit more strain on myself, we went to stand in line, 10 minutes before we were due to board. Big mistake. I shouldn't have stayed sitting down. But, oh no, Niamh not wanting to show her weakness, she stayed standing for the remaining 20 minutes (the flight was slightly late boarding..as usual). I wanted to fall down in a heap at one stage. I could feel so many parts of me, starting to ache, even my insides, my ribs and my back. I had shooting pains inside and my legs were weak. I couldn't let myself sit down. I don't know why. Sean kept on asking me if I was okay, and telling me to sit. But I wouldn't listen. Stupid really.. I couldn't speak either, me and Sean just stood their in silence and I felt like heap of **** If he would have asked me how I was, I would have cried, so I'm glad he kept quiet..
It was time to board the plane, and we had to walk out into the cold and the wind. It took forever, or so it felt, before I was inside the plane. Standing in line, and waiting to climb up the stairs, that was the moment I asked myself.. "What the hell am I doing?". It stood there, outside the terminal, and all I wanted to do was click my fingers and be back in my bed in Arklow, in my comfort zone, with food and warmth and my dvds and my books. I really didn't want to get on that ******* plane. Why was I putting myself through this? I was only half way there, and already feeling awful, and for what? I didn't really know..
I was still silent, and Sean knew not to speak to me. He picked up on it and was so good. Bless him. On the plane I was so happy to sit down and just do nothing. Then all the annoying airhostesses were running around for the whole 1 hour and 20 minutes, trying to sell as much as possible and playing silly jingels: "Fly Ryan Air, fly fly Ryan Air, we'll take you there..".. O please stop!!! But it didn't. All the noise and the talking and the tormenting went on for the rest of the flight. Switch off Niamh.. Don't let it get you down.
My hunger had left me, my enemy or my friend, or whoever it was at the moment in time, I don't know, but it had gone. But I still knew I had to eat something. The only thing on the menu that was slightly "safe" was a muesli bar. To my horro, it was 104 calories AND with a chocolate coating. There were 2 in a packet, but that would mean 208 calories.. too much. I couldn't have them both. Sean didn't want to help me eat it, but I told him I'd be throwing it away otherwise. That made him have it. Just as well, because I wouldn't have been able to resist it the other bar and I would have felt so awful for having 208 calories of s**** put into me.. I hadn't had any protein or carbs today and I was feeling empty, but not hungry. There's a difference, and it's hard to describe.
Giving out about how awful the journey was, doesn't mean I hated being on the plane. Because it was probably the thing that saved me from falling down in a heap. I was able to shut off all the comotion around me, and regain my energy to get through the next part of the journey. I had a window seat and the sun had just set, the weather was clear, so there was a beautiful skyline. We were flying south, so out of the window where I was sitting, I could see the brightness on the horizon, to the west. The direction of America. If the plane were to be heading in that direction, the sky would get brighter and brighter. How amazing is that? It was beautiful.. All is okay, and there's a bed waiting for me on the otherside.. I'll be fine.
Towards the end of the flight I was able to talk again. He picked up on it, and I was feeling stronger again. But I still couldn't stop thinking about my bed back in Arklow. Then I thought..I'll have to start thinking about what bed it is I'll be sleeping in tonight..just to mentally prepare myself. Emma came to collect us in Brussels and I would be staying in Orla's over the weekend. That's fine, because she has the attick, with a telly and sofa bed (which will be my bed), and I can get away from everything whenever I want.
In the car from the airport to Axel, I had one of my drinks and I had another once I was at Orla's house. I wasn't hungry at all. It was a different feeling.. Lifeless and empty but no stomach rumbles.. I kept on thinking about the next day, and about food.. but what food? It wouldn't be the same and it scared me..
The journey, on Thursday went okay. I was dreading it, to begin with. The flight was at 16.40, so we left the house at around 13.30. The airport in Dublin, was probably the worst part of the day. Everybody who has once flown with Ryan Air, from Dublin Airport to whatever destination in Europe, knows that there's miles to walk before you finally get to the gate. Well, Thursday it wasn't any different. It was the only main struggle I had. The check-in and getting through the hussle and bustle at security, was okay. Then the walk started..
Everybody was dashing past me, rushing and running. There were crowds of people and groups and noise. Sean was doing his best not to walk at his normal pace with his long legs.. I wanted to be able to keep up with him, but I just couldn't. I stuck close to the wall, just so the people wouldn't knock me down in their haste. God, I wanted so badly to be able to walk at a normal speed. I felt like an 80 year-old. I saw these car things, with people who weren't able to walk long distances being driven to the gates.. That would have been more up my alley. But I would never have let myself go through with it. I'd be far too subborn to admit that I wasn't really physically able to walk that distance. I realized this, when it was too late and when I was that slow that I actually nearly stopped all together. Poor Sean must have been so embarressed.
We made it to the gates anyhow. That's when I realized that I didn't have enough to eat. It was nearly 4 o'clock and I had eaten my breakfast, a slice of toast, a bowl of fruit and a supplement drink. It was 2 o'clock when ate last. It suddenly dawned on me that it wouldn't be until after 9 o'clock tonight before I'd be able to eat anything. My supplements were in the luggage that we had checked-in. So now.. what was I going to do? If there was any day that I needed to eat at least everything on my food-plan, and possibly more, then it was a day like today. But instead I was going hungry and I was making the journey a little bit more challenging. My energy was low, from all the walking anyhow, even if I would have had enough to eat.. Damn..
In the back of my mind, when I was thinking about food, before leaving home, of course I knew that I should have brought more with me, in my hand luggage. But it made me feel good, I suppose, if I'd have been able to make it through to Axel, without eating.
So we were at the gate, and I started to slightly panic. I asked Sean to go to one of the shops, to buy me a muesli or a granola bar or something of the sort. But they didn't have any, so he bought himself a chocolate bar instead.. how thoughtful..
I didn't have a drink either. Sean had some 7-up zero. I had two mouthfuls, and he looked at me. I snapped asking what the problem was..: "I'm shocked that you're drinking that..".. O no.. What had I done..? He was right, how could I drink something fizzy..I should have gotten a bottle of water, but it was too far to walk, I didn't have enough time either, because the flight was about to board.. Niamh, so bad and so unprepared. How hard can life be, when you don't eat food that hasn't been prepared by yourself and that you don't eat anything without studying the wrapper first.. You can't do that in public. I never realized, I had forgotten and I had underestimated the power Anna would have over, when being under stress and pressure.
To put a little bit more strain on myself, we went to stand in line, 10 minutes before we were due to board. Big mistake. I shouldn't have stayed sitting down. But, oh no, Niamh not wanting to show her weakness, she stayed standing for the remaining 20 minutes (the flight was slightly late boarding..as usual). I wanted to fall down in a heap at one stage. I could feel so many parts of me, starting to ache, even my insides, my ribs and my back. I had shooting pains inside and my legs were weak. I couldn't let myself sit down. I don't know why. Sean kept on asking me if I was okay, and telling me to sit. But I wouldn't listen. Stupid really.. I couldn't speak either, me and Sean just stood their in silence and I felt like heap of **** If he would have asked me how I was, I would have cried, so I'm glad he kept quiet..
It was time to board the plane, and we had to walk out into the cold and the wind. It took forever, or so it felt, before I was inside the plane. Standing in line, and waiting to climb up the stairs, that was the moment I asked myself.. "What the hell am I doing?". It stood there, outside the terminal, and all I wanted to do was click my fingers and be back in my bed in Arklow, in my comfort zone, with food and warmth and my dvds and my books. I really didn't want to get on that ******* plane. Why was I putting myself through this? I was only half way there, and already feeling awful, and for what? I didn't really know..
I was still silent, and Sean knew not to speak to me. He picked up on it and was so good. Bless him. On the plane I was so happy to sit down and just do nothing. Then all the annoying airhostesses were running around for the whole 1 hour and 20 minutes, trying to sell as much as possible and playing silly jingels: "Fly Ryan Air, fly fly Ryan Air, we'll take you there..".. O please stop!!! But it didn't. All the noise and the talking and the tormenting went on for the rest of the flight. Switch off Niamh.. Don't let it get you down.
My hunger had left me, my enemy or my friend, or whoever it was at the moment in time, I don't know, but it had gone. But I still knew I had to eat something. The only thing on the menu that was slightly "safe" was a muesli bar. To my horro, it was 104 calories AND with a chocolate coating. There were 2 in a packet, but that would mean 208 calories.. too much. I couldn't have them both. Sean didn't want to help me eat it, but I told him I'd be throwing it away otherwise. That made him have it. Just as well, because I wouldn't have been able to resist it the other bar and I would have felt so awful for having 208 calories of s**** put into me.. I hadn't had any protein or carbs today and I was feeling empty, but not hungry. There's a difference, and it's hard to describe.
Giving out about how awful the journey was, doesn't mean I hated being on the plane. Because it was probably the thing that saved me from falling down in a heap. I was able to shut off all the comotion around me, and regain my energy to get through the next part of the journey. I had a window seat and the sun had just set, the weather was clear, so there was a beautiful skyline. We were flying south, so out of the window where I was sitting, I could see the brightness on the horizon, to the west. The direction of America. If the plane were to be heading in that direction, the sky would get brighter and brighter. How amazing is that? It was beautiful.. All is okay, and there's a bed waiting for me on the otherside.. I'll be fine.
Towards the end of the flight I was able to talk again. He picked up on it, and I was feeling stronger again. But I still couldn't stop thinking about my bed back in Arklow. Then I thought..I'll have to start thinking about what bed it is I'll be sleeping in tonight..just to mentally prepare myself. Emma came to collect us in Brussels and I would be staying in Orla's over the weekend. That's fine, because she has the attick, with a telly and sofa bed (which will be my bed), and I can get away from everything whenever I want.
In the car from the airport to Axel, I had one of my drinks and I had another once I was at Orla's house. I wasn't hungry at all. It was a different feeling.. Lifeless and empty but no stomach rumbles.. I kept on thinking about the next day, and about food.. but what food? It wouldn't be the same and it scared me..
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday morning 27-11-08
It's still Thursday morning. I really should start getting ready, but I'm fine sitting here behind the computer for another short while.
I went to acupuncture yesterday. All was good and fine. He told me how well I was looking, even though I nearly fell asleep in the waiting room and felt like somebody would have been able to sweep the floor with me..that's besides the point and he insisted that I was looking better.. He can see the difference every week and my face is filling out more and more. He was delighted with himself and with me, well probably more with me, as I'm doing the eating, not him.. I thanked him, and didn't dwell on it. It doesn't matter anymore what people think or say because of course everyone sees a difference and of course they want to tell me, so that's fine. Even I can see the difference (I feel weird writing it..but sure, what the heck..).
When I look in the mirror I can see it too. My face, is turning back to normal again. The "glow" Mr. Acupuncturist has been seeing each week..I've actually been FEELING it as well.. Literally my cheeks sometimes glow and burn up, for no reason whatsoever. That freaked me out the first time fews times it happened, but I told myself that it's a good sign and it's healthy. It shows that food does really pay off (I knew this, of course, but actually seeing it makes it more real). My body is absorbing more and more nutrition from all the good foods, that it's showing in my face. Even when I laugh, I don't feel like my cheeks are going to break. My cheeks don't feel fragile and lifeless anymore. They used to feel like that. Whenever I would smile or laugh (not that that happened a lot) they would feel so empty because there was no fat or muscle to make smiling come naturally and to feel easy. I never realized this until a few weeks ago.
I remember back in July, when I hadn't an ounce of fat anywhere, that my body was taking all the fat out of my face. There was no where else for my body to get it from. It was a last resort. I remember how that felt. Looking back, it was an awful feeling but I loved it, because I've always hated having a full face with chubby cheeks. I can't describe how much I hated myself for my fat face. But now they are back, and there now a part of me, the healthy Niamh, apart of Fay. It's just the way it is. I accept my chubby cheeks now, and if nobody else wants to accept me with a full chubby face, then that's there lose.
Anyhow, back to acupuncture. I was telling him about the weekend ahead and he gave me different herbs. Last week I was taking ones without ginseng. The week before, with ginseng. Ginseng gives an energy boost and I felt the difference between the two different herbs, even though he didn't tell me they were different. 2 weeks ago, was the week I was overwhelmed with positiveness and energy. Last week, not so much. He was impressed that I had picked up on the difference. It means my body is taking really well to the herbs. This week he has given me the herbs with ginseng again, seeing as though I'm going to Holland. My body should pick up a slight energy boost, which should see me through the weekend. It sounds like he has me taking drugs. But that's not what they are. They're Chinese medicine, that should lift my spirits. So I started taking them yesterday and I'll be noticing if they work as well as they did, 2 weeks ago.
The treatment itself, was so nice. He left me on the treatment table for longer than he usually would. He said that I needed a little more time to chill-out. It was the most relaxing hour I've had during acupuncture in a few weeks. So nice, floaty, tingly and numb. Daydreaming and relaxing as much as I could. It was a glorious feeling.
It's so nice that he totally tunes in to what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling and moving either forwards or backwards. I suppose that's the whole point of the treatment, or else it wouldn't work..
Right, I'm going to go now.. I have some eating to do, before the dreaded journey. It will be one step at a time, and Sean is there so I won't be alone.. All should be well. See you in Holland..
I went to acupuncture yesterday. All was good and fine. He told me how well I was looking, even though I nearly fell asleep in the waiting room and felt like somebody would have been able to sweep the floor with me..that's besides the point and he insisted that I was looking better.. He can see the difference every week and my face is filling out more and more. He was delighted with himself and with me, well probably more with me, as I'm doing the eating, not him.. I thanked him, and didn't dwell on it. It doesn't matter anymore what people think or say because of course everyone sees a difference and of course they want to tell me, so that's fine. Even I can see the difference (I feel weird writing it..but sure, what the heck..).
When I look in the mirror I can see it too. My face, is turning back to normal again. The "glow" Mr. Acupuncturist has been seeing each week..I've actually been FEELING it as well.. Literally my cheeks sometimes glow and burn up, for no reason whatsoever. That freaked me out the first time fews times it happened, but I told myself that it's a good sign and it's healthy. It shows that food does really pay off (I knew this, of course, but actually seeing it makes it more real). My body is absorbing more and more nutrition from all the good foods, that it's showing in my face. Even when I laugh, I don't feel like my cheeks are going to break. My cheeks don't feel fragile and lifeless anymore. They used to feel like that. Whenever I would smile or laugh (not that that happened a lot) they would feel so empty because there was no fat or muscle to make smiling come naturally and to feel easy. I never realized this until a few weeks ago.
I remember back in July, when I hadn't an ounce of fat anywhere, that my body was taking all the fat out of my face. There was no where else for my body to get it from. It was a last resort. I remember how that felt. Looking back, it was an awful feeling but I loved it, because I've always hated having a full face with chubby cheeks. I can't describe how much I hated myself for my fat face. But now they are back, and there now a part of me, the healthy Niamh, apart of Fay. It's just the way it is. I accept my chubby cheeks now, and if nobody else wants to accept me with a full chubby face, then that's there lose.
Anyhow, back to acupuncture. I was telling him about the weekend ahead and he gave me different herbs. Last week I was taking ones without ginseng. The week before, with ginseng. Ginseng gives an energy boost and I felt the difference between the two different herbs, even though he didn't tell me they were different. 2 weeks ago, was the week I was overwhelmed with positiveness and energy. Last week, not so much. He was impressed that I had picked up on the difference. It means my body is taking really well to the herbs. This week he has given me the herbs with ginseng again, seeing as though I'm going to Holland. My body should pick up a slight energy boost, which should see me through the weekend. It sounds like he has me taking drugs. But that's not what they are. They're Chinese medicine, that should lift my spirits. So I started taking them yesterday and I'll be noticing if they work as well as they did, 2 weeks ago.
The treatment itself, was so nice. He left me on the treatment table for longer than he usually would. He said that I needed a little more time to chill-out. It was the most relaxing hour I've had during acupuncture in a few weeks. So nice, floaty, tingly and numb. Daydreaming and relaxing as much as I could. It was a glorious feeling.
It's so nice that he totally tunes in to what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling and moving either forwards or backwards. I suppose that's the whole point of the treatment, or else it wouldn't work..
Right, I'm going to go now.. I have some eating to do, before the dreaded journey. It will be one step at a time, and Sean is there so I won't be alone.. All should be well. See you in Holland..
Appetite for life
It's Thursday morning and the past few days I've been trying to rest as much as I can, just to save my energy for this weekend. I'm off to Holland, with Sean, in a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to it, but anxious at the same time.
It's been a hectic week, to say the least. Tuesday afternoon we had a visit from Trish and Ed, my aunt and uncle who are over from Australia for a couple of weeks. I hadn't seen them in a year and half and it was so cool to see them again. The last time I seen them, was when they came to visit me in the pub in was working in back in Oz. How strange.. Everybody jet-setting across the globe and paths crossing here and there. It's so great.
The strange thing, is that the more I'm around my family..as I have been the past week, the more I'm aware of how things are. I was talking to Diann about it on Tuesday evening, and I was going to say: "I'm just so aware of how BAD things are.." But I thought twice about that statement, and things aren't BAD. Things are just how they are. Again, it's what Diann was saying on Tuesday: "Who determines what's good and what's bad? Anna has different interpretation of what's good and bad, compared to Fay's".. Seeing how bad things were months ago and how bad things could have gotten, makes things seem good, right now.
Talking to Trish and Ed again, started to make my feet itch.. as in.. it got my "travel-juices" flowing again. But that's fine, because I knew it would and maybe that's what I needed, just to stay positive and to keep on top of things. I might have needed it just to see that by pushing, forcing and pressurizing myself I'm only going to make things harder than I could otherwise be experiencing things. If I want this to end, I have ease up about things and keep on taking it easy. I was trying not to dwell on the fact that I'm in Arklow and that everyone else is "living their dreams". With Diann on Tuesday we did talked about this, but Diann kept on reminding me, that it's Anna talking and she's getting to me, because deep down of course I know that I am where I need to be, no matter how it may feel.
The feeling of being happy or sad about being in Ireland, can change from day to day. Just like my moods, my thoughts and my energy. I have to let the feelings be.. Leave them alone, be aware that they're there, and keep on doing good. Analyzing and dwelling on hating certain things, doesn't make it any easier. Anna wants me to feel this way. So if I do, I give her power and make it more difficult for Fay to stand her ground. The thing is.. because I'm not always as energized as I could or should be, I don't always have to energy to fight stand up to Anna..that's when she makes an entrance..
This brings me to another subject.. Diann asked me Tuesday and last week Monday, if I feel that I've been losing weight again. I couldn't answer it. I was in foul mood both sessions..so when she asked me this, I was so tempted to: "I wish I would loose some weight..that would be great". But of course, I didn't speak these words outloud. But honestly, I don't know if might have lost any weight. She asked Ma, she couldn't tell either, because she sees me all day. However Diann says that she'll be able to see if I've lost any weight either by looking at me or by the way I would be talking or thinking, she'd notice it. (By the way..how bizarre is that? and amazing that she can tell, just be the way I'm talking..what a woman!)
The past 2 sessions, looking back on them, I rambled and rambled and rambled. To keep the positive thoughts in tact, I need to be gaining weight or at least stabilizing my weight. I've been eating intuitively most days for the past 2 or 3 weeks which means I've been eating less than I would do on the days I follow my food-plan. Eating intuitively is eating when I'm hungry and following the food-plan I eating whether I'm hungry or not. So it's normal that I'm eating less. But I'm not allowed to be losing weight.
During Tuesdays session, I was so muddled, towards the end, Diann asked me if I need to introduce anything new, if I'm doing okay eating intuitively and if I need to change anything. Well, I wasn't wanting to hear anything that might have suggested me eating more. My frame of mind was grey.. not totally black though, just a few shades lighter.. If I loose weight, I'm not getting enough nutrition and I'm triggering Anna, because she wants me to be thinner and feeling bad which brings along all the negative thoughts too. So now, I'm not too sure what the story is, concerning the number on the scales. I don't know what it was a month ago and don't know what it is today.. I'm guessing around 45. The last time I was weighed, was on the 23rd of September, and I was 35.
Now, the big question is.. Have I lost weight and if so, was that the cause of the few awful doom and gloom days I've been having? Or was it just the pressure I've been putting on myself, because I've been wanting to do as much as possible? Who can tell, I don't know. All I know is that I need to get as much nutrition as possible, to rule out the possibility that I might loose weight (my metabolism mightn't have stabilized yet which, according to Diann, can cause my digestive system to speed up and slow down which in turn can cause either steady or rapid weight-gain or weight-loss ). If losing weight, is what's causing me to feel down, then I don't want to ever loose it again. Feeling good and positive is far more important and far nicer than dropping a couple of kilo's. I don't want to think myself into a knot anymore, because it's not helping me at all. I like to be positive and happy. I love to feel strong both physically and mentally. Because that way, I feel vital and I can deal with things and will feel better and better about where I am and where I'm going. The anxiety becomes less so I can sleep better, which makes me more energized and positive during the day, which will increase my appetite a little more again.. and on and on it goes..
Food glorious food, so delicious but so complicated.. Sometimes the whole "food for thought" can seem to vague and not connected and the next, it all fits and makes so much sense.. Sometimes this phrase has no meaning to it at all, and other days I could write and write about it all day long and love what I'm realizing..
It's been a hectic week, to say the least. Tuesday afternoon we had a visit from Trish and Ed, my aunt and uncle who are over from Australia for a couple of weeks. I hadn't seen them in a year and half and it was so cool to see them again. The last time I seen them, was when they came to visit me in the pub in was working in back in Oz. How strange.. Everybody jet-setting across the globe and paths crossing here and there. It's so great.
The strange thing, is that the more I'm around my family..as I have been the past week, the more I'm aware of how things are. I was talking to Diann about it on Tuesday evening, and I was going to say: "I'm just so aware of how BAD things are.." But I thought twice about that statement, and things aren't BAD. Things are just how they are. Again, it's what Diann was saying on Tuesday: "Who determines what's good and what's bad? Anna has different interpretation of what's good and bad, compared to Fay's".. Seeing how bad things were months ago and how bad things could have gotten, makes things seem good, right now.
Talking to Trish and Ed again, started to make my feet itch.. as in.. it got my "travel-juices" flowing again. But that's fine, because I knew it would and maybe that's what I needed, just to stay positive and to keep on top of things. I might have needed it just to see that by pushing, forcing and pressurizing myself I'm only going to make things harder than I could otherwise be experiencing things. If I want this to end, I have ease up about things and keep on taking it easy. I was trying not to dwell on the fact that I'm in Arklow and that everyone else is "living their dreams". With Diann on Tuesday we did talked about this, but Diann kept on reminding me, that it's Anna talking and she's getting to me, because deep down of course I know that I am where I need to be, no matter how it may feel.
The feeling of being happy or sad about being in Ireland, can change from day to day. Just like my moods, my thoughts and my energy. I have to let the feelings be.. Leave them alone, be aware that they're there, and keep on doing good. Analyzing and dwelling on hating certain things, doesn't make it any easier. Anna wants me to feel this way. So if I do, I give her power and make it more difficult for Fay to stand her ground. The thing is.. because I'm not always as energized as I could or should be, I don't always have to energy to fight stand up to Anna..that's when she makes an entrance..
This brings me to another subject.. Diann asked me Tuesday and last week Monday, if I feel that I've been losing weight again. I couldn't answer it. I was in foul mood both sessions..so when she asked me this, I was so tempted to: "I wish I would loose some weight..that would be great". But of course, I didn't speak these words outloud. But honestly, I don't know if might have lost any weight. She asked Ma, she couldn't tell either, because she sees me all day. However Diann says that she'll be able to see if I've lost any weight either by looking at me or by the way I would be talking or thinking, she'd notice it. (By the way..how bizarre is that? and amazing that she can tell, just be the way I'm talking..what a woman!)
The past 2 sessions, looking back on them, I rambled and rambled and rambled. To keep the positive thoughts in tact, I need to be gaining weight or at least stabilizing my weight. I've been eating intuitively most days for the past 2 or 3 weeks which means I've been eating less than I would do on the days I follow my food-plan. Eating intuitively is eating when I'm hungry and following the food-plan I eating whether I'm hungry or not. So it's normal that I'm eating less. But I'm not allowed to be losing weight.
During Tuesdays session, I was so muddled, towards the end, Diann asked me if I need to introduce anything new, if I'm doing okay eating intuitively and if I need to change anything. Well, I wasn't wanting to hear anything that might have suggested me eating more. My frame of mind was grey.. not totally black though, just a few shades lighter.. If I loose weight, I'm not getting enough nutrition and I'm triggering Anna, because she wants me to be thinner and feeling bad which brings along all the negative thoughts too. So now, I'm not too sure what the story is, concerning the number on the scales. I don't know what it was a month ago and don't know what it is today.. I'm guessing around 45. The last time I was weighed, was on the 23rd of September, and I was 35.
Now, the big question is.. Have I lost weight and if so, was that the cause of the few awful doom and gloom days I've been having? Or was it just the pressure I've been putting on myself, because I've been wanting to do as much as possible? Who can tell, I don't know. All I know is that I need to get as much nutrition as possible, to rule out the possibility that I might loose weight (my metabolism mightn't have stabilized yet which, according to Diann, can cause my digestive system to speed up and slow down which in turn can cause either steady or rapid weight-gain or weight-loss ). If losing weight, is what's causing me to feel down, then I don't want to ever loose it again. Feeling good and positive is far more important and far nicer than dropping a couple of kilo's. I don't want to think myself into a knot anymore, because it's not helping me at all. I like to be positive and happy. I love to feel strong both physically and mentally. Because that way, I feel vital and I can deal with things and will feel better and better about where I am and where I'm going. The anxiety becomes less so I can sleep better, which makes me more energized and positive during the day, which will increase my appetite a little more again.. and on and on it goes..
Food glorious food, so delicious but so complicated.. Sometimes the whole "food for thought" can seem to vague and not connected and the next, it all fits and makes so much sense.. Sometimes this phrase has no meaning to it at all, and other days I could write and write about it all day long and love what I'm realizing..
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Stress & Food 3
The thing that was causing me so much frustration: Stress, without even realizing it. To live from day to day entails interacting with people, planning a head, eating meals, learning new things, looking back on old things, experiencing and feeling, seeing opportunities for what they are, accepting certain situations and dealing with problems no matter how big or small.. This happens day-in day-out. That's what life is all about. To be able to deal with all this, brings a certain amount of stress along with it. To still be able to feel on top of things and good or even just okay, takes so much energy. The funny thing is, I never realized this until now. I don't have it anymore, so I'm only now seeing how daily stress zaps energy-levels, if I don't look after myself properly.
Thinking clearly, or living in a daze.. Feeling positive or negative.. Being good to myself or bad.. Choosing what's the right or the wrong thing to do.. It's a 24-hour activity. The brain working all the time, and constantly needing nutrition and nourishment to be able to to deal with everything. The worrying literally eating away at my body, mind and soul. It eats the precious calories that should be used to regain energy and put on weight. The worrying eats the positive thoughts and leaves the darkness and negative bad feelings behind. All this can only lead to a fuzzy and muddled up head. Like a maze. There seems to be no way out. When at one time, there was a way out. That was the time that I knew how well I was doing. I suddenly became lost again. The return of the maze..going round and round in circles, all day long, not seeing anything but confusion. And the more I try to see the clarity, the more, the more jumbled it all becomes. Not letting the work to continue underneath the surface and forcing more despair upon myself.
Diann said tonight that by not giving myself any space or any proper time for everything that's happened the past weeks and months, to settle down and for me to give it a place, I'm only prolonging it. Because resisting the feeling of goodness and resisting my body and mind trying to process all the things that I've been learning and letting go of, I'm causing more pain than necessary. She told me to see it like a sentence. It can be one long line, but the words aren't adjoining. There's a space between every word, a space that gives the brain the necessary time to process the information. It there weren't any spaces between the words, the sentence would be just one line and all you'd see would be letter. You wouldn't see the meaning of the adjoined letters. Your wouldn't be able to process it.. The brain needs space. Diann told me, that's what I need too. To sooner I let that happen and let all the events of the past months sink in properly, that's when I can start accepting and start feeling fine about it all. If I can do this, I won't be causing more pain than necessary and I feel more vital and energized, sooner rather than later.
I sat there tonight with Diann, and I all I wanted to say was how awful I feel to not do anything all day. When I'm crying and upset I'm feeling better.. Why? Because it's giving into Anna.. But surely I need to deal with more.. I haven't been through enough and I haven't suffered enough. What more can I do? Why do I want to do so much more? Because if I'm not, then I think I'm all cured and better and healthy and I start to wonder what I'm doing here, in Ireland and I worry that I'm not at work. The same old things over and over again. It gets so old and boring and I'm so sick of it, and I just want it all to be over. By trying to suss out more stuff and feel more than I'm feeling, I'm only making it worse. I've never felt good when I've not done anything. My old habits, still taking control. So hard to break and I can see exactly what they do.
I need to be able to deal with daily things, and see them for what they are. I have to recognize the voice inside my head, hear when it starts bugging and me and ask myself: why? I have to not properly hear the things people say and write to me.. Things like: you're doing so well. I hear them and I read them, but I shouldn't let the words effect me. And that's what I've been doing. It's been secretly, beyond my control, trying to muck with my head and make me feel bad and it's been giving me back that feeling of "seeking approval".. I seem to need to prove to Anna that she still has me in her claws. I don't even know I'm doing most of the time, and that's what makes it hard. Diann wants me start recognizing this, being aware that it's happening, but I'm not to let it have control over me. Only then can I start standing up to her, in other ways that aren't food-related..
How do I know when I'm doing good and when I'm doing bad? Diann had an interesting theory. Who determines what's good and what's bad? What one person might see as bad, another person might see as good, and visa versa. It's an opinion, it's not a fact, so there is no concrete evidence as to what should or shouldn't be done. I need to FEEL for myself if something is good for Fay or bad for Fay. Diann asked me tonight.. Who is telling you what's right and what's wrong? Well, I don't know.. and if I can't answer that, nobody can, because nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what's right and wrong by myself only me.. It makes sense that nobody can give me these answers..because right and wrong is different for each individual. Doing things that are driven from the heart and not from the head. I know the difference, because I've felt it before. I just have to work on that. I have to let myself do things because they feel right, for the good of me and not for the bad of me.
At the end of the session, she asked if there was anything else.. of course there's so much more, but I can't right now, I'm not able.. It will keep.
Thinking clearly, or living in a daze.. Feeling positive or negative.. Being good to myself or bad.. Choosing what's the right or the wrong thing to do.. It's a 24-hour activity. The brain working all the time, and constantly needing nutrition and nourishment to be able to to deal with everything. The worrying literally eating away at my body, mind and soul. It eats the precious calories that should be used to regain energy and put on weight. The worrying eats the positive thoughts and leaves the darkness and negative bad feelings behind. All this can only lead to a fuzzy and muddled up head. Like a maze. There seems to be no way out. When at one time, there was a way out. That was the time that I knew how well I was doing. I suddenly became lost again. The return of the maze..going round and round in circles, all day long, not seeing anything but confusion. And the more I try to see the clarity, the more, the more jumbled it all becomes. Not letting the work to continue underneath the surface and forcing more despair upon myself.
Diann said tonight that by not giving myself any space or any proper time for everything that's happened the past weeks and months, to settle down and for me to give it a place, I'm only prolonging it. Because resisting the feeling of goodness and resisting my body and mind trying to process all the things that I've been learning and letting go of, I'm causing more pain than necessary. She told me to see it like a sentence. It can be one long line, but the words aren't adjoining. There's a space between every word, a space that gives the brain the necessary time to process the information. It there weren't any spaces between the words, the sentence would be just one line and all you'd see would be letter. You wouldn't see the meaning of the adjoined letters. Your wouldn't be able to process it.. The brain needs space. Diann told me, that's what I need too. To sooner I let that happen and let all the events of the past months sink in properly, that's when I can start accepting and start feeling fine about it all. If I can do this, I won't be causing more pain than necessary and I feel more vital and energized, sooner rather than later.
I sat there tonight with Diann, and I all I wanted to say was how awful I feel to not do anything all day. When I'm crying and upset I'm feeling better.. Why? Because it's giving into Anna.. But surely I need to deal with more.. I haven't been through enough and I haven't suffered enough. What more can I do? Why do I want to do so much more? Because if I'm not, then I think I'm all cured and better and healthy and I start to wonder what I'm doing here, in Ireland and I worry that I'm not at work. The same old things over and over again. It gets so old and boring and I'm so sick of it, and I just want it all to be over. By trying to suss out more stuff and feel more than I'm feeling, I'm only making it worse. I've never felt good when I've not done anything. My old habits, still taking control. So hard to break and I can see exactly what they do.
I need to be able to deal with daily things, and see them for what they are. I have to recognize the voice inside my head, hear when it starts bugging and me and ask myself: why? I have to not properly hear the things people say and write to me.. Things like: you're doing so well. I hear them and I read them, but I shouldn't let the words effect me. And that's what I've been doing. It's been secretly, beyond my control, trying to muck with my head and make me feel bad and it's been giving me back that feeling of "seeking approval".. I seem to need to prove to Anna that she still has me in her claws. I don't even know I'm doing most of the time, and that's what makes it hard. Diann wants me start recognizing this, being aware that it's happening, but I'm not to let it have control over me. Only then can I start standing up to her, in other ways that aren't food-related..
How do I know when I'm doing good and when I'm doing bad? Diann had an interesting theory. Who determines what's good and what's bad? What one person might see as bad, another person might see as good, and visa versa. It's an opinion, it's not a fact, so there is no concrete evidence as to what should or shouldn't be done. I need to FEEL for myself if something is good for Fay or bad for Fay. Diann asked me tonight.. Who is telling you what's right and what's wrong? Well, I don't know.. and if I can't answer that, nobody can, because nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what's right and wrong by myself only me.. It makes sense that nobody can give me these answers..because right and wrong is different for each individual. Doing things that are driven from the heart and not from the head. I know the difference, because I've felt it before. I just have to work on that. I have to let myself do things because they feel right, for the good of me and not for the bad of me.
At the end of the session, she asked if there was anything else.. of course there's so much more, but I can't right now, I'm not able.. It will keep.
Stress & Food 2
Stressing about this weekend, is obviously having an effect on me. Diann said that I have to take each day as it comes. I know she's right. Because the minute I start trying to plan things and hoping and trying to predict that I'll be in the right frame of mind to be able to do all these things, that's when I start to crumble. I can't predict the future and by worrying about it, isn't going to make it turn out any better. It will only muddle me even more. I had already come to the conclusion, that I have to only do what I'm feeling capable of.
Nobody expects anything of me. If I'm exhausted and not able to be enthusiastic..then so be it. It doesn't matter. Recovering is up and down, constantly. The people that matter the most, know me, and they know that I'm not putting up some kind of front. I'm not looking for attention. I don't want to act worse or better than I am. Every hour, that can change. It's the combination of unstable emotions, unstable energy levels, unstable thoughts, unstable cravings.. everything is still all over the place. So I can't expect myself to be chirpy and full of life constantly. It will come and go, as it has been doing over the past months. I shouldn't stress about it, and just let it be.
I was looking at a program the other night. There was a woman, she was a psychic and was predicting the future, for herself. It showed her, sitting at a table, surrounded by candles, talking outloud to herself. She was predicting, in a meditative kind of way, what was going to happen to her the next day. Apparently she was going to have a huge argument with her husband. She then started crying frantically and she was so petrified of what she saw in the future. She got herself worked up in to such a state. It was the weirdest thing to look at. I personally, thought she was a little insane. I mean, who does that? Looking into the future, seeing what's going to happen and then having a breakdown, because of the fear. Well, it might sound crazy, but to a certain extent, I could relate that to me.
I couldn't get the image of this woman sitting there out of my mind. It slowly started to dawn on me, why. I cry in bed, I worry about how things are going to turn out, I get scared and sometimes I don't even know why. I can't predict what's going to happen over the next months, but I try and that's what gets me so worked up. A frenzied state of mind and the illusion of fear takes over and brings me down. I looked at her, and thought she was insane..
Nobody can know what's going to happen in the future. So why worry about it? Letting go and releasing myself of the fear of being 50 kilo.. Because I don't know if it will be all that bad. I don't know if that's my set-weight. I don't know how it will make me feel. I could be so much happier being 50 kilo's instead of 40. Maybe I could hate myself for it. I just don't know. I don't know what I want to do and where I want to go and how long I need to be in Ireland. Worrying about the decisions I still have to make, is insane. Who says I have to make decisions anyhow? Nobody..
I have to "practice the art of now". It's all about today, about this moment and not about the next. Does it make me happier to worry? No, if anything it only makes me more miserable. Anna knows it makes me miserable and knows that she can control me in that way, and therefore she makes me worry, almost constantly. So I have to live for the moment. This will give myself peace of mind, and that's what I need right now. Peace without plans. Peace without pressure. Peace without restrictions. Peace without expectations. Peace without stress. It could all be so easy...
Pressing Pause.. again..
Nobody expects anything of me. If I'm exhausted and not able to be enthusiastic..then so be it. It doesn't matter. Recovering is up and down, constantly. The people that matter the most, know me, and they know that I'm not putting up some kind of front. I'm not looking for attention. I don't want to act worse or better than I am. Every hour, that can change. It's the combination of unstable emotions, unstable energy levels, unstable thoughts, unstable cravings.. everything is still all over the place. So I can't expect myself to be chirpy and full of life constantly. It will come and go, as it has been doing over the past months. I shouldn't stress about it, and just let it be.
I was looking at a program the other night. There was a woman, she was a psychic and was predicting the future, for herself. It showed her, sitting at a table, surrounded by candles, talking outloud to herself. She was predicting, in a meditative kind of way, what was going to happen to her the next day. Apparently she was going to have a huge argument with her husband. She then started crying frantically and she was so petrified of what she saw in the future. She got herself worked up in to such a state. It was the weirdest thing to look at. I personally, thought she was a little insane. I mean, who does that? Looking into the future, seeing what's going to happen and then having a breakdown, because of the fear. Well, it might sound crazy, but to a certain extent, I could relate that to me.
I couldn't get the image of this woman sitting there out of my mind. It slowly started to dawn on me, why. I cry in bed, I worry about how things are going to turn out, I get scared and sometimes I don't even know why. I can't predict what's going to happen over the next months, but I try and that's what gets me so worked up. A frenzied state of mind and the illusion of fear takes over and brings me down. I looked at her, and thought she was insane..
Nobody can know what's going to happen in the future. So why worry about it? Letting go and releasing myself of the fear of being 50 kilo.. Because I don't know if it will be all that bad. I don't know if that's my set-weight. I don't know how it will make me feel. I could be so much happier being 50 kilo's instead of 40. Maybe I could hate myself for it. I just don't know. I don't know what I want to do and where I want to go and how long I need to be in Ireland. Worrying about the decisions I still have to make, is insane. Who says I have to make decisions anyhow? Nobody..
I have to "practice the art of now". It's all about today, about this moment and not about the next. Does it make me happier to worry? No, if anything it only makes me more miserable. Anna knows it makes me miserable and knows that she can control me in that way, and therefore she makes me worry, almost constantly. So I have to live for the moment. This will give myself peace of mind, and that's what I need right now. Peace without plans. Peace without pressure. Peace without restrictions. Peace without expectations. Peace without stress. It could all be so easy...
Pressing Pause.. again..
Stress & Food 1
It's Tuesday evening.. Went to see Diann this evening. I was so tired, that I really wasn't up for it, in all honesty. But I had a lot on my chest, and only had the energy to get half of it off. Today, for the first time ever, I only realized just how hard it is to be open up to either someone close to you or to a professional. It doesn't matter who you open up to, it's still hardest thing ever. It makes you feel vulnerable and conscious of yourself, maybe even paranoid.
When we were driving down today, I kept thinking that it would be so much easier to just keep everything inside, to bottle it all up. Then I wouldn't have to feel awful about it, and I wouldn't have to be honest, I wouldn't have to feel like a failure. Because I knew that I would feel like a failure for owning up to feeling bad. I would be doing Fay good, and by doing so, I'd be neglecting Anna and that means I'm failing. At the end of the session, that's exactly how I felt. I felt silly, I felt like I was making a mountain out of molehill, I felt like I was betraying something or someone but I don't know who.. I felt awful because I haven't been doing well, or not well enough, by my own standards.. But surely that should kind of make me feel good..Because Anna is in control. But it didn't.. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't..
Where is all this mambo-jumbo leading.. Well, the past week has been up and down, like a roller-coaster. Good days, bad days. People, plans, talks, drinks, food.. life in general I suppose. I felt alien all week, as it had been so long since I'd been able to do so much and feel fine about it all even though I'm still trying to get over it and get my energy back for the next big weekend.. because on Thursday I'm going to Holland for 4 days.
Last Thursday, big problems trying to eat.. I didn't want to. I wanted to go for just one day without eating.. Can I? I can, but I didn't, I wouldn't let myself and I ate. This morning, big problems trying to eat.. I wanted an extra slice of toast, I wanted to eat intuitively and I wanted more, but I couldn't. I threw it in the bin, broke down and went back to bed where I cried my eyes out.. Why? I don't know.. Can't answer.. But Diann could. Last Thursday I was subconsciously worried about Emma and Orla coming over. Today I was subconsciously worried about this weekend. I wanted last weekend to go well and I want this weekend to go well. All the worrying is causing stress and that's why the eating becomes a problem. That's how I used to deal with stressful situations.. The "not eating" was my weapon or my shield. It got me through the "tough" times.. It helped me deal with daily stress. But that's what I'm trying to change so I have to keep on eating, no matter how mentally strong or weak I'm feeling and no matter what's going on around me. I have to keep on eating. I never knew that stress had anything to do with not wanting to eat and feeling bad. However I do remember, back in the beginning of all this that whenever I was feeling bad, low, depressed or anything.. those were the days that I would cry after every meal, because I didn't want it. The food and the emotional stress are linked together..again, it's the pathways in the brain.. This is how my brain had been operating for so long, that it's still likely to make me act in that same way as I did 6 or 12 months ago.
Diann said, I need to start seeing this "not letting myself eat" as a warning sign. The moment I'm standing by the bin, throwing away food that's causing some sort of issue, or that's making me angry or that's raising a barrier, I should see it as a red flag. I'm not to worry about not eating that extra slice of toast but I'm to think about what else in going on in my life that's making me feel bad, because there's something there that's stopping me from eating. If I can step back and see what the issue is, then I can deal with it which in turn will stop me from stopping myself from eating.
After standing by the bin this morning, I kept on having visions of me doing the exact same thing, back in the kitchen, in my place back in Holland. The bin, the feeling I had as I stood there.. After cooking a proper meal, having a normal portion, sitting down to eat it, but not being able..sneaking to the kitchen, so my roommate wouldn't here that I was throwing away a perfectly good dinner and that I was having a bowl of muesli instead and covering it up so my roommate wouldn't notice that I hadn't eaten it I'll never forget the confusion that I felt because I couldn't answer my own question..: "Why can't I eat this tasty meal?".. The only thing I remember is the barrier between me and that meal.. I would want to eat it so badly, but I just couldn't. I'll never be able to explain that feeling and nobody will even understand it, not unless they've experienced it themselves.. It could be so easy..just eat that meal.. But it's not like that at all.. I can't quite put it into words.. Those visions kept on going round and round my head.
Me and the bin..
Pressing Pause..
When we were driving down today, I kept thinking that it would be so much easier to just keep everything inside, to bottle it all up. Then I wouldn't have to feel awful about it, and I wouldn't have to be honest, I wouldn't have to feel like a failure. Because I knew that I would feel like a failure for owning up to feeling bad. I would be doing Fay good, and by doing so, I'd be neglecting Anna and that means I'm failing. At the end of the session, that's exactly how I felt. I felt silly, I felt like I was making a mountain out of molehill, I felt like I was betraying something or someone but I don't know who.. I felt awful because I haven't been doing well, or not well enough, by my own standards.. But surely that should kind of make me feel good..Because Anna is in control. But it didn't.. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't..
Where is all this mambo-jumbo leading.. Well, the past week has been up and down, like a roller-coaster. Good days, bad days. People, plans, talks, drinks, food.. life in general I suppose. I felt alien all week, as it had been so long since I'd been able to do so much and feel fine about it all even though I'm still trying to get over it and get my energy back for the next big weekend.. because on Thursday I'm going to Holland for 4 days.
Last Thursday, big problems trying to eat.. I didn't want to. I wanted to go for just one day without eating.. Can I? I can, but I didn't, I wouldn't let myself and I ate. This morning, big problems trying to eat.. I wanted an extra slice of toast, I wanted to eat intuitively and I wanted more, but I couldn't. I threw it in the bin, broke down and went back to bed where I cried my eyes out.. Why? I don't know.. Can't answer.. But Diann could. Last Thursday I was subconsciously worried about Emma and Orla coming over. Today I was subconsciously worried about this weekend. I wanted last weekend to go well and I want this weekend to go well. All the worrying is causing stress and that's why the eating becomes a problem. That's how I used to deal with stressful situations.. The "not eating" was my weapon or my shield. It got me through the "tough" times.. It helped me deal with daily stress. But that's what I'm trying to change so I have to keep on eating, no matter how mentally strong or weak I'm feeling and no matter what's going on around me. I have to keep on eating. I never knew that stress had anything to do with not wanting to eat and feeling bad. However I do remember, back in the beginning of all this that whenever I was feeling bad, low, depressed or anything.. those were the days that I would cry after every meal, because I didn't want it. The food and the emotional stress are linked together..again, it's the pathways in the brain.. This is how my brain had been operating for so long, that it's still likely to make me act in that same way as I did 6 or 12 months ago.
Diann said, I need to start seeing this "not letting myself eat" as a warning sign. The moment I'm standing by the bin, throwing away food that's causing some sort of issue, or that's making me angry or that's raising a barrier, I should see it as a red flag. I'm not to worry about not eating that extra slice of toast but I'm to think about what else in going on in my life that's making me feel bad, because there's something there that's stopping me from eating. If I can step back and see what the issue is, then I can deal with it which in turn will stop me from stopping myself from eating.
After standing by the bin this morning, I kept on having visions of me doing the exact same thing, back in the kitchen, in my place back in Holland. The bin, the feeling I had as I stood there.. After cooking a proper meal, having a normal portion, sitting down to eat it, but not being able..sneaking to the kitchen, so my roommate wouldn't here that I was throwing away a perfectly good dinner and that I was having a bowl of muesli instead and covering it up so my roommate wouldn't notice that I hadn't eaten it I'll never forget the confusion that I felt because I couldn't answer my own question..: "Why can't I eat this tasty meal?".. The only thing I remember is the barrier between me and that meal.. I would want to eat it so badly, but I just couldn't. I'll never be able to explain that feeling and nobody will even understand it, not unless they've experienced it themselves.. It could be so easy..just eat that meal.. But it's not like that at all.. I can't quite put it into words.. Those visions kept on going round and round my head.
Me and the bin..
Pressing Pause..
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Patience
Drifting to leave, Floating to rise
Falling so fast, away from the prize
Soaring to reach, gliding to rise
Flying too low, trying to despise
Rocking to ease, resisting to protect
Giving-in to feel, letting-go to reject
Closing to open, shutting to protect
Curling to soothe, trying to inspect
Sleeping to cure, thinking to find
Releasing to resolve, relaxing to unwind
Crying to express, endless tears to find
Eating to clarify and to speak my mind
Weight to gain, patience to know
Kilo's to have, a face to glow
Cheeks to fatten, benefits to know
Waiting for the time I can let my world grow.
Falling so fast, away from the prize
Soaring to reach, gliding to rise
Flying too low, trying to despise
Rocking to ease, resisting to protect
Giving-in to feel, letting-go to reject
Closing to open, shutting to protect
Curling to soothe, trying to inspect
Sleeping to cure, thinking to find
Releasing to resolve, relaxing to unwind
Crying to express, endless tears to find
Eating to clarify and to speak my mind
Weight to gain, patience to know
Kilo's to have, a face to glow
Cheeks to fatten, benefits to know
Waiting for the time I can let my world grow.
Tuesday morning 25-11-08
This evening I'm going to Diann. It's now Tuesday morning. I spent all day yesterday in bed, resting and hoping for my energy to come back. I wanted to be alone, so I was. And I was quite happy. Now and then I would feel awful for having pushed myself too fat, on Saturday night, but only because I still feeling so tired from it. I had to start focusing on me again. Or else the week will go to shambles.
Over the weekend, there were so many other things going on around, I had "deserted" Anna and Fay. So, yesterday, it all hit home again.. For a while it's so nice to forget it all, but then I need to start thinking again and I need to remind myself of what's going on. If I don't, then I'll get carried away with myself, and undo all the good I've done. I'm not too sure if I've already undone some of my good work, on Saturday night, but I'm not going to worry about that... Have to block it out, which I've become very good at over the past months.
Digging deep again, to find out where I am and why I've been doing what I've been doing, and why things have been going the way they have been going. I shouldn't need to analyze everything so much, but if I don't, then I've done nothing good. I can't seem to ever imagine me being able to live a normal busy life ever again, without feeling bad if I haven't done anything good for myself. "Good" as in thinking too much... "good" as in reflecting.. "good" as in writing.. "good" as in being alone.. I don't know why, because I was never somebody to love being alone so much but now, that's all I want. Maybe because it's easier. Being alone means I don't have to see how good or bad I'm doing and it means that I don't have to think about what other people might be thinking of me and it means that I don't have to hate myself for not being able to live a full life just everyone else. Being alone, is where nothing happens, but so much at the same time. It's better than seeing other people live and do things and it's better than hearing about other people's plans. It doesn't make me feel bored, lonely and pathetic, if I don't hear it all. Not hearing is like not knowing. Not seeing is like it isn't happening. It's easier..
But to live, isn't to be alone..or is it?
I'm so sick of it all, but I'm just making myself feel bad now, for no reason. I just wanted to have an extra slice of toast, but it's not working. Not today. It's awful. I enjoyed the first slice so much, but the second just isn't doing me any good. Today I was going to eat intuitively, but I'm not too sure that's going to work.. I threw the slice in the bin, and that's that..don't care, I hate this so much and I'm going to bed..
Over the weekend, there were so many other things going on around, I had "deserted" Anna and Fay. So, yesterday, it all hit home again.. For a while it's so nice to forget it all, but then I need to start thinking again and I need to remind myself of what's going on. If I don't, then I'll get carried away with myself, and undo all the good I've done. I'm not too sure if I've already undone some of my good work, on Saturday night, but I'm not going to worry about that... Have to block it out, which I've become very good at over the past months.
Digging deep again, to find out where I am and why I've been doing what I've been doing, and why things have been going the way they have been going. I shouldn't need to analyze everything so much, but if I don't, then I've done nothing good. I can't seem to ever imagine me being able to live a normal busy life ever again, without feeling bad if I haven't done anything good for myself. "Good" as in thinking too much... "good" as in reflecting.. "good" as in writing.. "good" as in being alone.. I don't know why, because I was never somebody to love being alone so much but now, that's all I want. Maybe because it's easier. Being alone means I don't have to see how good or bad I'm doing and it means that I don't have to think about what other people might be thinking of me and it means that I don't have to hate myself for not being able to live a full life just everyone else. Being alone, is where nothing happens, but so much at the same time. It's better than seeing other people live and do things and it's better than hearing about other people's plans. It doesn't make me feel bored, lonely and pathetic, if I don't hear it all. Not hearing is like not knowing. Not seeing is like it isn't happening. It's easier..
But to live, isn't to be alone..or is it?
I'm so sick of it all, but I'm just making myself feel bad now, for no reason. I just wanted to have an extra slice of toast, but it's not working. Not today. It's awful. I enjoyed the first slice so much, but the second just isn't doing me any good. Today I was going to eat intuitively, but I'm not too sure that's going to work.. I threw the slice in the bin, and that's that..don't care, I hate this so much and I'm going to bed..
Monday, November 24, 2008
An exhausting weekend
It's Monday morning, Orla and Emma have just left to go back to Holland again. Usually I would have gone to Diann this morning. But it's tomorrow evening instead. That's ok. I can wait. It's probably a good thing. Because so much has been going on around me this weekend that I haven't a clue how I'm feeling right now.
Eileen's 21st birthday party, on Saturday night was brilliant. Beforehand, I was so tired that I was dreading the thoughts of it. But once we were there, and the party got started, it was great. I had around 3 or 4 glasses of rose wine, the whole night which wasn't really that much and I didn't feel the need to keep on drinking. If anything, at one stage, I probably would have preferred a water. It was nice to feel in control.
I was so worried, that I wouldn't be able to dance and join in the fun. Not for not wanting to, but for not being able to. But I surprised myself, and had so much energy, that I danced and danced. It was so much fun. But I was paranoid, at the same time, about being around so many people, that I hadn't seen for so long. I switched it all of and didn't let it hold me back even though I felt like I was being watched all night..how much is she drinking? was she eating any of the party food? was she dancing too much? did she seem drunk..? I felt like there always someone observing me, either thinking that I'm doing really well, or thinking that I'm better or thinking that I surely should be falling down in heap at any given moment.
But I didn't care. Everybody can look at me all they want and think whatever it is they want to think. Nobody else has any idea of what's really going on, only me. Nobody knows how much drink I'm able for, only me. Nobody knows how energized or tired I felt, only me. I didn't feel guilty for having a good time and for forgetting all about Anna for hours at a time. I had told myself that there's nobody judging me and that I'm allowed to have as much fun as I want.
I haven't felt so much adrenaline and energy for months. It was the combination of so many great things going on around me... the atmosphere, the music, seeing family again, seeing Eileen so happy, being able to just be present at the party... So many things that the energy came natural. I didn't need to think if I wanted to or was able to go mad. It just happened. I wasn't trying to prove anything. Not to myself or anybody else. I didn't expect me to able to get up and dance. But I was. Now and then, I knew I might have been overdoing it slightly. But Anna wasn't driving me. So I didn't slow down. It turned out to be a better night than I had anticipated.
It was over at 1 and by the time we were home and and off to bed, it was around 3 o'clock. Before going to sleep, I had to tell myself, over and over again, that the (invisible) "ceiling" to my enjoyment in life, is sky high. I didn't want to wake up the next morning, in a bad mood and feeling guilty because I had deserted Anna. I fell asleep after talking all kinds of positive things into my head.
Sunday morning, I was awake at around 08.30. Far too early. But I couldn't sleep any longer. I wasn't hungover. I wasn't feeling bad or guilty. But I was exhausted. The tiredness I felt yesterday, I hadn't felt since the beginning of this journey. I was hardly able to walk and even talking took too much effort. Noise was tiring and painful and put an enourmous amount of pressure on my head. My body ached from top to toe and the fact that I hadn't slept that many hours, didn't really help. Thinking about anything, other than nothingness, was too much. I couldn't even look at the photo's of the night before, because I would relive it all again, and that was too tiring.
I remember when I first started to take the supplement drinks, back in July. They used to get my heart racing, for no apparent reason. My heart was under so much strain, that I could actually feel what these drinks were doing to me... boosting my energy with every mouthful. The same happened yesterday. The first 2 drinks I had, my heart was racing and there was a pressure in my chest, but my breathing was normal. I was afraid to have to second one yesterday, because I hated that feeling they gave me. But I needed them and by the third drink, yesterday evening, the heart wasn't racing anymore. Just goes to show, that I really don't know what condition my heart is in. That can be scary.
Getting slightly side-tracked..
As I lay on the couch, I wasn't regretting that I had overdone it, on the dance-floor. I could have missed out on all the fun and I would have been more energized yesterday. But it was Eileen's party..and when it comes to "prioritizing" my energy..I used it in the way that I wanted. There was no guilt just exhaustion. All I did, all day, was lie on the couch. I knew I had to just lie there, and wait for my body to catch up again. All I wanted to do was, eat healthy foods, all day long, and rest and think about nothing. I wasn't capable of doing much more anyway, so that was fine.
I went to bed for 2 hours in the afternoon. I needed total isolation from everything.. from the telly, from my book, from the people around me, from anything that required any kind of attention whatsoever. I lay in bed, in total darkness for 2 hours, and was delighted to so. I didn't really care that I was missing out on an afternoon of gallivanting around town with Ma, Emma and Orla. I wasn't able, and that was okay. By 8 or 9 o'clock in the evening, I was feeling slightly better. I was able to make myself some dinner and I was able to be around Sean without feeling stress, pressure or despair.
Today, I'm still not back to normal. Chatting and interacting took a lot out of me, this morning. But I got on with it.
At this very moment, I don't want to have anybody around me. I want to be alone. I don't want to think about the week to come, because it just makes me want to curl up in a ball. It's going to be another big one, and I'm not sure I'm able to cope with it. I'm going to Diann tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm able.. I haven't had enough time this week, to make progress in any way, shape or form. I hope I can settle all this uneasiness down, or else my weekend in Holland (which is this coming weekend) could turn out to be more effort than it's worth..
Eileen's 21st birthday party, on Saturday night was brilliant. Beforehand, I was so tired that I was dreading the thoughts of it. But once we were there, and the party got started, it was great. I had around 3 or 4 glasses of rose wine, the whole night which wasn't really that much and I didn't feel the need to keep on drinking. If anything, at one stage, I probably would have preferred a water. It was nice to feel in control.
I was so worried, that I wouldn't be able to dance and join in the fun. Not for not wanting to, but for not being able to. But I surprised myself, and had so much energy, that I danced and danced. It was so much fun. But I was paranoid, at the same time, about being around so many people, that I hadn't seen for so long. I switched it all of and didn't let it hold me back even though I felt like I was being watched all night..how much is she drinking? was she eating any of the party food? was she dancing too much? did she seem drunk..? I felt like there always someone observing me, either thinking that I'm doing really well, or thinking that I'm better or thinking that I surely should be falling down in heap at any given moment.
But I didn't care. Everybody can look at me all they want and think whatever it is they want to think. Nobody else has any idea of what's really going on, only me. Nobody knows how much drink I'm able for, only me. Nobody knows how energized or tired I felt, only me. I didn't feel guilty for having a good time and for forgetting all about Anna for hours at a time. I had told myself that there's nobody judging me and that I'm allowed to have as much fun as I want.
I haven't felt so much adrenaline and energy for months. It was the combination of so many great things going on around me... the atmosphere, the music, seeing family again, seeing Eileen so happy, being able to just be present at the party... So many things that the energy came natural. I didn't need to think if I wanted to or was able to go mad. It just happened. I wasn't trying to prove anything. Not to myself or anybody else. I didn't expect me to able to get up and dance. But I was. Now and then, I knew I might have been overdoing it slightly. But Anna wasn't driving me. So I didn't slow down. It turned out to be a better night than I had anticipated.
It was over at 1 and by the time we were home and and off to bed, it was around 3 o'clock. Before going to sleep, I had to tell myself, over and over again, that the (invisible) "ceiling" to my enjoyment in life, is sky high. I didn't want to wake up the next morning, in a bad mood and feeling guilty because I had deserted Anna. I fell asleep after talking all kinds of positive things into my head.
Sunday morning, I was awake at around 08.30. Far too early. But I couldn't sleep any longer. I wasn't hungover. I wasn't feeling bad or guilty. But I was exhausted. The tiredness I felt yesterday, I hadn't felt since the beginning of this journey. I was hardly able to walk and even talking took too much effort. Noise was tiring and painful and put an enourmous amount of pressure on my head. My body ached from top to toe and the fact that I hadn't slept that many hours, didn't really help. Thinking about anything, other than nothingness, was too much. I couldn't even look at the photo's of the night before, because I would relive it all again, and that was too tiring.
I remember when I first started to take the supplement drinks, back in July. They used to get my heart racing, for no apparent reason. My heart was under so much strain, that I could actually feel what these drinks were doing to me... boosting my energy with every mouthful. The same happened yesterday. The first 2 drinks I had, my heart was racing and there was a pressure in my chest, but my breathing was normal. I was afraid to have to second one yesterday, because I hated that feeling they gave me. But I needed them and by the third drink, yesterday evening, the heart wasn't racing anymore. Just goes to show, that I really don't know what condition my heart is in. That can be scary.
Getting slightly side-tracked..
As I lay on the couch, I wasn't regretting that I had overdone it, on the dance-floor. I could have missed out on all the fun and I would have been more energized yesterday. But it was Eileen's party..and when it comes to "prioritizing" my energy..I used it in the way that I wanted. There was no guilt just exhaustion. All I did, all day, was lie on the couch. I knew I had to just lie there, and wait for my body to catch up again. All I wanted to do was, eat healthy foods, all day long, and rest and think about nothing. I wasn't capable of doing much more anyway, so that was fine.
I went to bed for 2 hours in the afternoon. I needed total isolation from everything.. from the telly, from my book, from the people around me, from anything that required any kind of attention whatsoever. I lay in bed, in total darkness for 2 hours, and was delighted to so. I didn't really care that I was missing out on an afternoon of gallivanting around town with Ma, Emma and Orla. I wasn't able, and that was okay. By 8 or 9 o'clock in the evening, I was feeling slightly better. I was able to make myself some dinner and I was able to be around Sean without feeling stress, pressure or despair.
Today, I'm still not back to normal. Chatting and interacting took a lot out of me, this morning. But I got on with it.
At this very moment, I don't want to have anybody around me. I want to be alone. I don't want to think about the week to come, because it just makes me want to curl up in a ball. It's going to be another big one, and I'm not sure I'm able to cope with it. I'm going to Diann tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm able.. I haven't had enough time this week, to make progress in any way, shape or form. I hope I can settle all this uneasiness down, or else my weekend in Holland (which is this coming weekend) could turn out to be more effort than it's worth..
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