A day on the outside, spent looking in
Then not being on the inside, feels like a sin
A day without a worry, just being me
And not dwelling on events, and feeling free
Two parts to my life, two major extremes
One part a struggle, the other a dream
Living two chapters, one against two
Just to be aware of what it is I must do
Keeping a balance, just to keep me sane
I shouldn't fight it, it's the rules of the game
Reality for a moment, but isn't every moment real?
Just not always realizing, that I always must deal
A day on the outside, being happy and fine
Forgetting the inside and living a life that's mine
Choosing what I want, be it bad or good
Trying never to resist, even when I feel I should
No worrying, no doubting, just living, just being
But forcing and stressing, Not enjoying, not seeing
This is me stepping, This is me progressing,
The balance is there, and it's all a blessing..
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
A lesson on Calories...
I always hated the word "calories" soooo much..
Actually, to be quite honest, I used to love it, because that's how I would measure my food intake. It was, just like my weight, a "lifeline".. The less calories, the better. If I read for example that actresses would sometimes live on 400 calories a day, to stay in shape, I would want to beat that.. by eating less than 400. Just pushing and pushing, as far as possible.
Then I started to hate the word "calorie".. I dreaded it, and cursed the guy who ever came up this word.. I wanted to avoid calorie counting because it would only drive anna.. But, in the world we live in today, it's impossible to get away from this word..
So, a love-hate relationship that needed some attention.
I recently started reading up on nutrition, and learning about the body and foods and lots of interesting things, and then I came across the chapter.. "Calories: The Energizers"..
My first reaction was.. skip it. leave it alone, don't bring up all the awful feelings.. But then I found myself wanting to read it, after a few days. So I did.
Since reading it, I have banned the negative thoughts about this word. It is actually a really good thing..
For those of you interested.. Here's a little lesson on the "dreaded" C-word.. It might be boring, so just scroll down and skip it if you like..
Your body burns food to produce energy (this is also called our metabolism). This energy is produced in the form of heat. This heat warms your body and powers every move you make.
So to simplify (if that wasn't easy enough), the actual burning and digesting of the food, produces heat and energy for our bodies to function.
The amount of heat that a certain food produces while being digested, is measured in calories. It gets a lot more technical than that, but I'm not going to bore you.. if you want more info, drop me a line;)
So when a banana has 105 calories, it means that digesting it, produces 105 calories of heat that your body can use to function.
It's so interesting, because if you know the amount of carbohydrates, protein, and fats in your food, you can also calculate the amount of calories (in 1 gram of protein and carbs contains 4 cal, alcohol 7 cal, and fat 9 cal)..
As everyone also knows, every calories DOES count.. even the "empty calories" (these DO provide you with energy, but are NOT nutritious). For your body to just "be"..it needs calories.. everybody knows this.. even I do( I did however convince myself that doing nothing, doesn't require food, but that's a different story).
I came across a chart, to calculate the amount of calories you need if you just sit on your backside 24 hours a day and do nothing..
And shock shock, horror horror.. I don't really need that much, because it's calculated according to your weight. On my food plan this week, I'm taking in more than twice the amount I need.. most of you will be pleased to know..
I even found out that, hormones effect your energy needs.. Females (usually always) get the cravings just before their period..why? Because of the loss of blood, your body needs more iron, so it automatically craves more of certain foods to keep the iron levels up and so the body can produce more blood.. how interesting..
I found out how much calories you have to burn in order to loose 1 gram of fat..AND (more beneficial in my case) I also found out by how much to increase the daily calorie intake in order to gain weight..
There are lots of other little facts and charts (all guidelines of course), but the main thing I realized, is that calories don't have to be my enemy, they can be my friend, my support, my energy and the quickest route back to being a healthy Niamh.
Actually, to be quite honest, I used to love it, because that's how I would measure my food intake. It was, just like my weight, a "lifeline".. The less calories, the better. If I read for example that actresses would sometimes live on 400 calories a day, to stay in shape, I would want to beat that.. by eating less than 400. Just pushing and pushing, as far as possible.
Then I started to hate the word "calorie".. I dreaded it, and cursed the guy who ever came up this word.. I wanted to avoid calorie counting because it would only drive anna.. But, in the world we live in today, it's impossible to get away from this word..
So, a love-hate relationship that needed some attention.
I recently started reading up on nutrition, and learning about the body and foods and lots of interesting things, and then I came across the chapter.. "Calories: The Energizers"..
My first reaction was.. skip it. leave it alone, don't bring up all the awful feelings.. But then I found myself wanting to read it, after a few days. So I did.
Since reading it, I have banned the negative thoughts about this word. It is actually a really good thing..
For those of you interested.. Here's a little lesson on the "dreaded" C-word.. It might be boring, so just scroll down and skip it if you like..
Your body burns food to produce energy (this is also called our metabolism). This energy is produced in the form of heat. This heat warms your body and powers every move you make.
So to simplify (if that wasn't easy enough), the actual burning and digesting of the food, produces heat and energy for our bodies to function.
The amount of heat that a certain food produces while being digested, is measured in calories. It gets a lot more technical than that, but I'm not going to bore you.. if you want more info, drop me a line;)
So when a banana has 105 calories, it means that digesting it, produces 105 calories of heat that your body can use to function.
It's so interesting, because if you know the amount of carbohydrates, protein, and fats in your food, you can also calculate the amount of calories (in 1 gram of protein and carbs contains 4 cal, alcohol 7 cal, and fat 9 cal)..
As everyone also knows, every calories DOES count.. even the "empty calories" (these DO provide you with energy, but are NOT nutritious). For your body to just "be"..it needs calories.. everybody knows this.. even I do( I did however convince myself that doing nothing, doesn't require food, but that's a different story).
I came across a chart, to calculate the amount of calories you need if you just sit on your backside 24 hours a day and do nothing..
And shock shock, horror horror.. I don't really need that much, because it's calculated according to your weight. On my food plan this week, I'm taking in more than twice the amount I need.. most of you will be pleased to know..
I even found out that, hormones effect your energy needs.. Females (usually always) get the cravings just before their period..why? Because of the loss of blood, your body needs more iron, so it automatically craves more of certain foods to keep the iron levels up and so the body can produce more blood.. how interesting..
I found out how much calories you have to burn in order to loose 1 gram of fat..AND (more beneficial in my case) I also found out by how much to increase the daily calorie intake in order to gain weight..
There are lots of other little facts and charts (all guidelines of course), but the main thing I realized, is that calories don't have to be my enemy, they can be my friend, my support, my energy and the quickest route back to being a healthy Niamh.
Daydreaming the day away..
Daydreaming and escaping to a far away place
Floating upwards into space
Without a barrier or obstacle in sight
The planet is explored on this endless flight
Fearless of the destination; No troubles or frustrations
Reality has been left behind; All by the power of the mind
Daydreaming and escaping the here and now
Drifting away but not knowing how
Any goal you set you will easily achieve
Anything is possible in the world of make believe
Without hesitation or doubt; No matter how events turn out
The opportunities are yours; And it's a world of open doors
Daydreaming the moments we hope that will arrive
Feeling exactly what makes us thrive
We write the script from beginning to end
The daydream is lived and doesn't feel pretend
Needless to say or suggest; The energy felt is a at best
It's your creation, your screen; Your rules, your team, After all it is YOUR DAYDREAM
Floating upwards into space
Without a barrier or obstacle in sight
The planet is explored on this endless flight
Fearless of the destination; No troubles or frustrations
Reality has been left behind; All by the power of the mind
Daydreaming and escaping the here and now
Drifting away but not knowing how
Any goal you set you will easily achieve
Anything is possible in the world of make believe
Without hesitation or doubt; No matter how events turn out
The opportunities are yours; And it's a world of open doors
Daydreaming the moments we hope that will arrive
Feeling exactly what makes us thrive
We write the script from beginning to end
The daydream is lived and doesn't feel pretend
Needless to say or suggest; The energy felt is a at best
It's your creation, your screen; Your rules, your team, After all it is YOUR DAYDREAM
I'm an energy saving device
I haven't been outside the door all week, only to go to acupuncture. I feel like I've been in hibernation for the past weeks. But I need to.
I have been thinking about walking to the petrol station. A 10 minute walk. I have wanted to. But the weather hasn't been that good. It's been raining nearly everyday this week, which keeps me sane and keeps me indoors, where I need to be, where I need to rest..
But I want to be a rebel and I also feel I need to see how I am while being outside and walking, even though it is only a 10 minute walk. I don't want to walk to burn calories..not at all..I'm passed that stage now I think..I hope anyhow. If I were to go for a walk, It would be to enjoy the fresh air, to stretch my legs and just feel like I'm apart of the world again. It wouldn't be to use up my energy.. I've been trying to save it and it's been hard work..forcing myself to sit and relax, forcing myself to lie down in the afternoons.. It's sounds easy, but it's one of the hardest things.. Forcing myself to do something that I've made myself believe is bad. All of a sudden it's what I'm supposed to be doing and it's the only thing that will get me back to proper health.
I don't want to waste the energy I've been saving, on nothing in particular..you can compare it to saving money for something.. whatever you decide to spend it on has to be worthwhile..you want something for you pennies..be it a possession or memories.. Think wisely.. and don't get carried away.. As the old saying goes "Don't spend it all at once"..
I'm saving my energy to walk down the street, to dance on a night out, to laugh until my stomach and face-muscles ache, to have endless conversations, to run up the stairs, to go on a shopping spree.. just to live again.. That's the name I've given my "energy savings account": "LIFE"..
Some day, within the next week, I'll walk to the garage.. I'll let you know how it goes..
I have been thinking about walking to the petrol station. A 10 minute walk. I have wanted to. But the weather hasn't been that good. It's been raining nearly everyday this week, which keeps me sane and keeps me indoors, where I need to be, where I need to rest..
But I want to be a rebel and I also feel I need to see how I am while being outside and walking, even though it is only a 10 minute walk. I don't want to walk to burn calories..not at all..I'm passed that stage now I think..I hope anyhow. If I were to go for a walk, It would be to enjoy the fresh air, to stretch my legs and just feel like I'm apart of the world again. It wouldn't be to use up my energy.. I've been trying to save it and it's been hard work..forcing myself to sit and relax, forcing myself to lie down in the afternoons.. It's sounds easy, but it's one of the hardest things.. Forcing myself to do something that I've made myself believe is bad. All of a sudden it's what I'm supposed to be doing and it's the only thing that will get me back to proper health.
I don't want to waste the energy I've been saving, on nothing in particular..you can compare it to saving money for something.. whatever you decide to spend it on has to be worthwhile..you want something for you pennies..be it a possession or memories.. Think wisely.. and don't get carried away.. As the old saying goes "Don't spend it all at once"..
I'm saving my energy to walk down the street, to dance on a night out, to laugh until my stomach and face-muscles ache, to have endless conversations, to run up the stairs, to go on a shopping spree.. just to live again.. That's the name I've given my "energy savings account": "LIFE"..
Some day, within the next week, I'll walk to the garage.. I'll let you know how it goes..
The Low-down from Meadowvale
The past few days.. It's hard to explain what's going on, because I'm not too sure myself. I've been eating an enormous amount of food, that's one thing for sure.. I have eaten everything I'm supposed to be eating, and I cannot begin to tell you how full I'm feeling.. all the time (forgive me if I'm sounding like a broken record.. by repeating the same stuff over and over again.. but that's just the way it is..) It's not nice. But If I don't keep it up, I will never get through this difficult stage. It's weird when your stomach is so full and you feel hunger-pains AT THE SAME TIME.. it's so contradictory.. and head wrecking as well. That's what happened to me this morning. I felt so hungry and really needed my breakfast, but I was full so then the pains in the gut and stomach start. But I switch off to that, dive into my book, and keep spooning the yogurt into me.. all as if there's not a problem in the world..
I've been trying to figure out the best times to eat my different extras.. I made a mess of it yesterday and the day before.. After my first supplement I would wait and wait and wait until I felt like having a piece of fruit and the sausage.. Waiting for hunger-pains (it's always the big question if I'll be feeling them and when, so waiting for them is just asking for trouble).. of course, the hunger never came.. so by the time I had a piece of fruit, it was after 3 o clock.. but that was the time I was supposed to drink my supplement.. O god, I can't eat it all at once! So by the time I had finished my supplement it was nearly 5 o clock.. O no, I was falling behind. Before 6.30 I would have to have another piece of fruit and a glass of orange juice..and straight away my dinner (and I HAD to finish the plate).. So, to cut to the chase.. After dinner I had to have my piece of fruit, water melon juice and the supplement.. It might not sound like a lot to you, but it was to me, especially all the while feeling full..
The whole "eating after 8pm" is just something I hate and I feel guilty for doing so.. I know I have to try let that go, but it's just stuck in my head.. Maybe with time it will pass..
Anyhow, there are only so many hours in a day.. And there are only so many calories I can burn..
This is how Wednesday and Thursday planned out.. And today I really have to do it differently.. I'm going to try.
Maybe I'm doing it on purpose.. the waiting and waiting until I'm feeling hungry. So in the evening, if I'm tempted to eat something, then I know I'm allowed to eat and it's good.. and then the guilt will be less..
Maybe I'm afraid that if there ISN'T anything I still have to be eat after dinner, but I have the urge to eat and I resist this urge, that will be giving into Anna.. I will be resisting food which will make me feel good about myself again.. and I know that's not good.. that's not making progress.. I have to avoid the urge to resist food.. Don't I? I think I do.. That's a tricky one.. I'm not too sure if I'm seeing that correctly..
Huummmm.. I'm overanalyzing at the moment, but that's okay.. Now and then it has to be done.
Getting slightly side-tracked.. I'm going to try a different approach. I sat on the couch last night, thinking for hours on end, what's the best way to do this without feeling fat and full and still be eating regularly.. Well, the orange juice I'm going to have with my first piece of fruit. The sausage I'll pick at now and then, my second piece of fruit between my second supplement and dinner. Between dinner and my last supplement, the water melon juice. That might be a little lighter on my digestive system. Sounds pretty straight forward I reckon.. It's not rocket science after all..
The way I'm going on about this.. it might seem like such an exaggeration, but there is a lot more to all this than you would think..haha.
My mood has been better the last few days. I can feel it.. Really I can. I've been trying not to worry, trying not to "run away with myself", trying not to wear out my head. It was going okay for a few days, but this morning I could hear myself wrecking my head with absolutely everything.. about my future, about work, about finances, about what to do in the months to come.. You name it, it has gone through my mind this morning...
Then I tell myself to shut up, to slow down and try to do something that will keep my off all the analyzing.. It feels so strange trying to do this, because it's like autopilot.. Analyzing is what I do best, It's what I do the most. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthy if I'm not trying to find answers or figure out things.. It's unnatural not to do this..But I'm trying..
As I was saying...I'm in a better mood. I have also had little things that have been encouraging me this week. The cards I've been drawing everyday, have been so good this week. Maybe because my head is a little clearer, I can relate to them better. But anyhow, the one I drew yesterday was so great. It said: Today I will accept change. I'll be open to the process of change. I'll believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me where ever I need to go. It was so motivating.. Eating when feeling full and awful.. Change is necessary... change is necessary... I was so pleased with that one.
Todays' card is also a great one.. It said: I will work at loving myself unconditionally. I'll work on letting go of self-loathe and other unproductive behaviors. I want to hold myself in high self-esteem.
Well... there really isn't much more I need to add to that one.. Something I have to remind myself of throughout the day.. No more self loathing.. Such wise words..
So these have been helping me too a lot this week.
Other things that have helped me keep on top of things.. well, myself really.. It might sound strange, but I've been "driving" and "motivating" myself. I don't know how, and I don't know why.. But I know I've been helping myself (being selfish can work wonders and needs to be done on a regular basis..haha)..
I've been trying to figure out the best times to eat my different extras.. I made a mess of it yesterday and the day before.. After my first supplement I would wait and wait and wait until I felt like having a piece of fruit and the sausage.. Waiting for hunger-pains (it's always the big question if I'll be feeling them and when, so waiting for them is just asking for trouble).. of course, the hunger never came.. so by the time I had a piece of fruit, it was after 3 o clock.. but that was the time I was supposed to drink my supplement.. O god, I can't eat it all at once! So by the time I had finished my supplement it was nearly 5 o clock.. O no, I was falling behind. Before 6.30 I would have to have another piece of fruit and a glass of orange juice..and straight away my dinner (and I HAD to finish the plate).. So, to cut to the chase.. After dinner I had to have my piece of fruit, water melon juice and the supplement.. It might not sound like a lot to you, but it was to me, especially all the while feeling full..
The whole "eating after 8pm" is just something I hate and I feel guilty for doing so.. I know I have to try let that go, but it's just stuck in my head.. Maybe with time it will pass..
Anyhow, there are only so many hours in a day.. And there are only so many calories I can burn..
This is how Wednesday and Thursday planned out.. And today I really have to do it differently.. I'm going to try.
Maybe I'm doing it on purpose.. the waiting and waiting until I'm feeling hungry. So in the evening, if I'm tempted to eat something, then I know I'm allowed to eat and it's good.. and then the guilt will be less..
Maybe I'm afraid that if there ISN'T anything I still have to be eat after dinner, but I have the urge to eat and I resist this urge, that will be giving into Anna.. I will be resisting food which will make me feel good about myself again.. and I know that's not good.. that's not making progress.. I have to avoid the urge to resist food.. Don't I? I think I do.. That's a tricky one.. I'm not too sure if I'm seeing that correctly..
Huummmm.. I'm overanalyzing at the moment, but that's okay.. Now and then it has to be done.
Getting slightly side-tracked.. I'm going to try a different approach. I sat on the couch last night, thinking for hours on end, what's the best way to do this without feeling fat and full and still be eating regularly.. Well, the orange juice I'm going to have with my first piece of fruit. The sausage I'll pick at now and then, my second piece of fruit between my second supplement and dinner. Between dinner and my last supplement, the water melon juice. That might be a little lighter on my digestive system. Sounds pretty straight forward I reckon.. It's not rocket science after all..
The way I'm going on about this.. it might seem like such an exaggeration, but there is a lot more to all this than you would think..haha.
My mood has been better the last few days. I can feel it.. Really I can. I've been trying not to worry, trying not to "run away with myself", trying not to wear out my head. It was going okay for a few days, but this morning I could hear myself wrecking my head with absolutely everything.. about my future, about work, about finances, about what to do in the months to come.. You name it, it has gone through my mind this morning...
Then I tell myself to shut up, to slow down and try to do something that will keep my off all the analyzing.. It feels so strange trying to do this, because it's like autopilot.. Analyzing is what I do best, It's what I do the most. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthy if I'm not trying to find answers or figure out things.. It's unnatural not to do this..But I'm trying..
As I was saying...I'm in a better mood. I have also had little things that have been encouraging me this week. The cards I've been drawing everyday, have been so good this week. Maybe because my head is a little clearer, I can relate to them better. But anyhow, the one I drew yesterday was so great. It said: Today I will accept change. I'll be open to the process of change. I'll believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me where ever I need to go. It was so motivating.. Eating when feeling full and awful.. Change is necessary... change is necessary... I was so pleased with that one.
Todays' card is also a great one.. It said: I will work at loving myself unconditionally. I'll work on letting go of self-loathe and other unproductive behaviors. I want to hold myself in high self-esteem.
Well... there really isn't much more I need to add to that one.. Something I have to remind myself of throughout the day.. No more self loathing.. Such wise words..
So these have been helping me too a lot this week.
Other things that have helped me keep on top of things.. well, myself really.. It might sound strange, but I've been "driving" and "motivating" myself. I don't know how, and I don't know why.. But I know I've been helping myself (being selfish can work wonders and needs to be done on a regular basis..haha)..
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Eastenders is NOT just a soap opera...
Eastenders set me thinking.. o yes, a soap opera does have its benefits.. It was Denise who said something, and gave me a little inspiration.
I find myself, so often, worrying about whether or not people realize what's going on with me.. close friends for example. I start worrying that everyone will think I'm cured once I've put on the kilo's. I don't know why and it drives me crazy because it just adds to pressure and stress. I should be focusing on myself, not on what other people think.. I've enough to deal with, without adding that to the list.
This illness is about me, I'm the person who's going through it. Not my friends and family. Yes, I'm getting enormous amounts of support. But it's happening to me. In a way it "belongs" to me (that sounds real bad, but I'm not too sure how else to put it), it's my thing and no matter how much I write and explain to people about it, nobody will ever fully understand. I have to accept this and not worry about it. Because would I really want everyone to understand exactly how it feels? I don't know.. some days I would and some days I probably wouldn't..
In some ways you might be able to compare it to grieving. Someone special to you leaves your life for some reason or another, a person you had a certain bond with. A unique bond. It's unique because nobody else on this planet could ever have the exact same bond as you have or once had with a certain person. Example.. Ma has 5 children, and not one of us can say that we have the exact same bond with ma..it's not possible because personalities are so different.. It doesn't mean to say that one bond is more special than the other.. it's just different, that's all.
When a person leaves your life, you grieve for your loss and for the bond that no longer exists. You live through the pain. This pain is yours.. It's personal and there is nobody who can fully be aware of the pain you are feeling.. because the loss you feel is unique, just like the bond you once had. This person had a certain place in your life, a certain place in your heart, be it big or small, and for that you grieve.
There is no magic wand, no cure for this pain. Time is what they say.. But there is no specific "dosage of time". The grieving can carry on for years, without the outside world even realizing that a person is still in so much pain. The first few weeks after somebody leaves your life, people "tiptoe" around you, and once you have a good day and you feel fine then everybody thinks.."This person is back to normal again".. So everybody forgets the huge change you're going through, the massive impact it has had on your life and the pain you still feel from day to day. Everyone assumes you are "better and cured"..
What am I trying to get at here? Well, nobody knows what goes on with people underneath it all. People sometimes seem to be care free.. walking around, laughing at jokes, socializing and just living life and seeming "fine". But 9 times out of 10, it's never how it seems. Everybody is dealing with issues, problems and pain in some way. It's personal, it belongs to them and nobody can fully understand. But that's okay. That doesn't make the pain more or less, it doesn't make it go away quicker or take longer to get over, it doesn't make it "not matter" and it doesn't mean the pain shouldn't be felt.. People deal with it in their own way, it's their own choice, it is afterall, THEIR pain, THEIR issues and THEIR life.
So why on earth am I worrying about people thinking I'm better when I'm not? It really doesn't matter one way or the other. Because it's me. These are my issues, and I'm the only one who can deal with them. It has happened to ME..nobody else. Nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what it's really like. And nobody ever will. People will try to relate, and that's fine.
But this period of my life will stay with me forever, and will in a way, always be "there". But it won't always rule my life, like it is now. It won't control my life. It won't always be like this. To get better and get my life back, I will need to make progress (and I am), and if people think I'm better, then so be it. It obviously means that I'm doing something right, even if I'm still feeling bad.
I should also be able to just live my life again, leaving this period of my life to settle, and deal with it whenever it needs to dealt with.
Just because I'm not well at the moment, doesn't mean that I am now categorized and put into a box for the rest of my life.
But right here, right now, I'm dealing with it and TRYING to leave the rest of the world to think whatever they like.. and I'm focusing on me..
I find myself, so often, worrying about whether or not people realize what's going on with me.. close friends for example. I start worrying that everyone will think I'm cured once I've put on the kilo's. I don't know why and it drives me crazy because it just adds to pressure and stress. I should be focusing on myself, not on what other people think.. I've enough to deal with, without adding that to the list.
This illness is about me, I'm the person who's going through it. Not my friends and family. Yes, I'm getting enormous amounts of support. But it's happening to me. In a way it "belongs" to me (that sounds real bad, but I'm not too sure how else to put it), it's my thing and no matter how much I write and explain to people about it, nobody will ever fully understand. I have to accept this and not worry about it. Because would I really want everyone to understand exactly how it feels? I don't know.. some days I would and some days I probably wouldn't..
In some ways you might be able to compare it to grieving. Someone special to you leaves your life for some reason or another, a person you had a certain bond with. A unique bond. It's unique because nobody else on this planet could ever have the exact same bond as you have or once had with a certain person. Example.. Ma has 5 children, and not one of us can say that we have the exact same bond with ma..it's not possible because personalities are so different.. It doesn't mean to say that one bond is more special than the other.. it's just different, that's all.
When a person leaves your life, you grieve for your loss and for the bond that no longer exists. You live through the pain. This pain is yours.. It's personal and there is nobody who can fully be aware of the pain you are feeling.. because the loss you feel is unique, just like the bond you once had. This person had a certain place in your life, a certain place in your heart, be it big or small, and for that you grieve.
There is no magic wand, no cure for this pain. Time is what they say.. But there is no specific "dosage of time". The grieving can carry on for years, without the outside world even realizing that a person is still in so much pain. The first few weeks after somebody leaves your life, people "tiptoe" around you, and once you have a good day and you feel fine then everybody thinks.."This person is back to normal again".. So everybody forgets the huge change you're going through, the massive impact it has had on your life and the pain you still feel from day to day. Everyone assumes you are "better and cured"..
What am I trying to get at here? Well, nobody knows what goes on with people underneath it all. People sometimes seem to be care free.. walking around, laughing at jokes, socializing and just living life and seeming "fine". But 9 times out of 10, it's never how it seems. Everybody is dealing with issues, problems and pain in some way. It's personal, it belongs to them and nobody can fully understand. But that's okay. That doesn't make the pain more or less, it doesn't make it go away quicker or take longer to get over, it doesn't make it "not matter" and it doesn't mean the pain shouldn't be felt.. People deal with it in their own way, it's their own choice, it is afterall, THEIR pain, THEIR issues and THEIR life.
So why on earth am I worrying about people thinking I'm better when I'm not? It really doesn't matter one way or the other. Because it's me. These are my issues, and I'm the only one who can deal with them. It has happened to ME..nobody else. Nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what it's really like. And nobody ever will. People will try to relate, and that's fine.
But this period of my life will stay with me forever, and will in a way, always be "there". But it won't always rule my life, like it is now. It won't control my life. It won't always be like this. To get better and get my life back, I will need to make progress (and I am), and if people think I'm better, then so be it. It obviously means that I'm doing something right, even if I'm still feeling bad.
I should also be able to just live my life again, leaving this period of my life to settle, and deal with it whenever it needs to dealt with.
Just because I'm not well at the moment, doesn't mean that I am now categorized and put into a box for the rest of my life.
But right here, right now, I'm dealing with it and TRYING to leave the rest of the world to think whatever they like.. and I'm focusing on me..
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Acupuncture.. A little bit of confusion
The phone rang this afternoon at around 12.30. Guess who it was.. Mr. Acupuncturist. Wanting to know where I was. I didn't know what he was talking about. He said that our appointment was for 11.30 this morning and he was waiting for me. But I know for certain that it was actually for 11.30 tomorrow.
He seemed pretty snotty on the phone and wasn't too pleased with me at all. He said he could only fit me in for a short session if I were to be there 25 minutes later.. I was sitting in my tracksuit, not properly dressed, on the computer. I needed to arrange a taxi, get to a bank and be on his table for a short treatment within half an hour, or else he was going to charge me for the treatment anyhow..
I was livid.. I didn't know what to do.. Was totally stressed out and couldn't think rationally. Mam was at work, so there really wasn't much she could do, but my first reaction was to ring her.. don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you..
Thank god Eileen was home.. I was panicking.. Tried to ring ma on her mobile.. no answer.. I didn't have her work number.. Panic.. Eileen to the rescue. Don't ask me where she magically got Mam's work number from but we got her on the phone.. Me in hysterics down the phone "What am I going to do..?? I'll never make it! He's is such ****!! I know for sure it was for tomorrow". I don't really know what I expected Mam to do, being stuck at work..
Then.. oh no.. What taxi am I going to ring?? They'll never get up here in time.. Eileen, once again to the rescue.. "Niamh, get ready, I'll ring the taxi". And sure enough, the taxi was booked and would be here in 10 minutes, and would stop at the cash machine as well.. Thank god for that..
I ran out the door and before I knew what was happening.. I was on the beach in Thailand again, with 12 needles sticking into various points of my legs, stomach and hands.. I managed to relax, eventually..
45 minutes later, I was back in the taxi.. Feeling chilled and relaxed and nice.
I couldn't believe it.. DRAMA QUEEN!!
I looked back on the whole drama it had been and I couldn't for the life of me, understand why I made such a huge deal out of it. But when it was all going on, it was like the world was going the end and I wasn't capable of thinking..All rational behavior had gone out the window. In a situation like that I would have normally just rang the taxi straight away, ordered it for as soon as possible, ask him to stop at the cash machine, and hey presto..no drama no fuss, just sorting the small confusion.
But oh no, Niamh rings her mother close to tears, because Mr. Acupuncturist has wrongfully accused her of missing an appointment..and she doesn't know what to do.. Well, I mean, talk about a slight exaggeration. I feel so silly and childish looking back on it now..
Poor Eileen, I just kept shouting at her in total panic, and she just kept shouting at me to stop stressing. But she wasn't mad at me or anything..
Of course I thanked her and apologized afterwards when I was feeling a lot better..
Mr. Acupuncturist seems to bring out the worst in me for some reason. He creates a lot of "fuss and commotion" in my very boring weeks, that's one thing for sure. You may think that I really don't like him, after my first dramatical visit, the toast incident and now this.. But I don't dislike him and he reckons we "click" so that's fine and he's always nice and friendly..so really I shouldn't make him sound so mean, because he's not..
I suppose he just made today a lot more eventful than I thought it would be...
and it was probably the highlight of excitement of my week at the same time.. ;)
The moral to this wee story: Rational and straight thinking when I'm under any amount of stress is a BIG NO NO!! I'm ashamed to say, that it brings out the child in me, for some reason..
He seemed pretty snotty on the phone and wasn't too pleased with me at all. He said he could only fit me in for a short session if I were to be there 25 minutes later.. I was sitting in my tracksuit, not properly dressed, on the computer. I needed to arrange a taxi, get to a bank and be on his table for a short treatment within half an hour, or else he was going to charge me for the treatment anyhow..
I was livid.. I didn't know what to do.. Was totally stressed out and couldn't think rationally. Mam was at work, so there really wasn't much she could do, but my first reaction was to ring her.. don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you..
Thank god Eileen was home.. I was panicking.. Tried to ring ma on her mobile.. no answer.. I didn't have her work number.. Panic.. Eileen to the rescue. Don't ask me where she magically got Mam's work number from but we got her on the phone.. Me in hysterics down the phone "What am I going to do..?? I'll never make it! He's is such ****!! I know for sure it was for tomorrow". I don't really know what I expected Mam to do, being stuck at work..
Then.. oh no.. What taxi am I going to ring?? They'll never get up here in time.. Eileen, once again to the rescue.. "Niamh, get ready, I'll ring the taxi". And sure enough, the taxi was booked and would be here in 10 minutes, and would stop at the cash machine as well.. Thank god for that..
I ran out the door and before I knew what was happening.. I was on the beach in Thailand again, with 12 needles sticking into various points of my legs, stomach and hands.. I managed to relax, eventually..
45 minutes later, I was back in the taxi.. Feeling chilled and relaxed and nice.
I couldn't believe it.. DRAMA QUEEN!!
I looked back on the whole drama it had been and I couldn't for the life of me, understand why I made such a huge deal out of it. But when it was all going on, it was like the world was going the end and I wasn't capable of thinking..All rational behavior had gone out the window. In a situation like that I would have normally just rang the taxi straight away, ordered it for as soon as possible, ask him to stop at the cash machine, and hey presto..no drama no fuss, just sorting the small confusion.
But oh no, Niamh rings her mother close to tears, because Mr. Acupuncturist has wrongfully accused her of missing an appointment..and she doesn't know what to do.. Well, I mean, talk about a slight exaggeration. I feel so silly and childish looking back on it now..
Poor Eileen, I just kept shouting at her in total panic, and she just kept shouting at me to stop stressing. But she wasn't mad at me or anything..
Of course I thanked her and apologized afterwards when I was feeling a lot better..
Mr. Acupuncturist seems to bring out the worst in me for some reason. He creates a lot of "fuss and commotion" in my very boring weeks, that's one thing for sure. You may think that I really don't like him, after my first dramatical visit, the toast incident and now this.. But I don't dislike him and he reckons we "click" so that's fine and he's always nice and friendly..so really I shouldn't make him sound so mean, because he's not..
I suppose he just made today a lot more eventful than I thought it would be...
and it was probably the highlight of excitement of my week at the same time.. ;)
The moral to this wee story: Rational and straight thinking when I'm under any amount of stress is a BIG NO NO!! I'm ashamed to say, that it brings out the child in me, for some reason..
Overwhelmed
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with love.. And there's seems to be no way for me to tell everyone, just how much they all mean to me. I would want to around giving everybody hugs, telling them how great they are and how blessed I am to have them in my life.
This feeling makes me feel alive..It gives me such a sense of being.
For the past weeks, at certain moments, I would feel like this..
It's like it's bursting on the inside and needs to get out, I need to let everyone know how important they are, how great they are and how proud and happy they should be to be their own person. Nobody even realizes just how special they are and how they can touch someone. A few words is all it takes to have a great impact. If they would realize this, then they would realize the importance of their being.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if I could and wouldn't feel guilty for feeling such nice emotions towards family and friends, I would ring you all and tell you just how much you all mean to me and just how precious you all are to me. At the moment, I cannot bring myself to do this.. so I'm doing through this post..
It's like whenever you fancy someone, you get butterflies in your stomach and you can get this urge to text them, just to let them know how great they are.. Well, it can work the same towards family and friends too.. because it's never said enough.. But if it were to be said too much, then it would become meaningless.. Either way, I'm getting that urge right now, and have done a couple of times lately, which has been a feeling I had, at one stage, become unfamiliar to.. but it's returning again.
People are in your world, they make your world, and are therefore precious..No matter how far the distance between.. and a precious person deserves to feel special.. everybody of every importance is precious is their own way, and to be reminded of that, can only add to their happiness.. and that's what we want the most for those we love and cherish..
This feeling makes me feel alive..It gives me such a sense of being.
For the past weeks, at certain moments, I would feel like this..
It's like it's bursting on the inside and needs to get out, I need to let everyone know how important they are, how great they are and how proud and happy they should be to be their own person. Nobody even realizes just how special they are and how they can touch someone. A few words is all it takes to have a great impact. If they would realize this, then they would realize the importance of their being.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if I could and wouldn't feel guilty for feeling such nice emotions towards family and friends, I would ring you all and tell you just how much you all mean to me and just how precious you all are to me. At the moment, I cannot bring myself to do this.. so I'm doing through this post..
It's like whenever you fancy someone, you get butterflies in your stomach and you can get this urge to text them, just to let them know how great they are.. Well, it can work the same towards family and friends too.. because it's never said enough.. But if it were to be said too much, then it would become meaningless.. Either way, I'm getting that urge right now, and have done a couple of times lately, which has been a feeling I had, at one stage, become unfamiliar to.. but it's returning again.
People are in your world, they make your world, and are therefore precious..No matter how far the distance between.. and a precious person deserves to feel special.. everybody of every importance is precious is their own way, and to be reminded of that, can only add to their happiness.. and that's what we want the most for those we love and cherish..
My Comfort Zone
Whenever I'm feeling fat.. What do I do? Usually I would stop eating.
But not anymore. I have to be strong. And eat.
Sometimes I deal with this with no worries. Others days not so well. On days that I feel like a balloon or pregnant, I have to switch off. I don't want to look at myself, I don't want people around me, I don't want to see food, I don't want to prepare food. Then I'm just pleased if I make it through the day and eat everything I should. Nothing else matters whenever I'm feeling fat.
When I feel that way, I would just want to stay in bed all day, with my book, not think about my belly, not focus on anything to do with food.. Just close myself off.. Away from the kitchen, away from people. Away from the feeling of panic, away from the reality of it all. That is glorious. But I never do that, I never stay in bed all day.. maybe I should.. Escaping reality, just to make it through. The further down the line I get, the more it might happen, the more this feeling of being fat and disgusting will arise.. As long as I keep on eating, I will get through that stage of this, just like have gotten through the other stages so far. As long as I know how to deal with it, as long as I know what works for me, then I'll keep on eating..
I know that if I wasn't able to switch off Anna, if I was to give in, if I were NOT to follow the brilliant advice Mark gave me "fake it till I make it", then I could so easily slip back into my old pattern. I could still so easily go for as long as I want without eating. This tells me, I'm not over this by a long shot. Knowing this, also makes me keep my feet on the ground.. It keeps me aware of the fact that I'm still not recovered.. I still have miles to go. Because I know I wouldn't be able to go for a week by myself and eat everything I should be eating. I would give in to old habits quite easily. Here at home, nobody has to feed me, I control it myself. But with people around and therefore it's different. It's like it makes me feel safe. Right here, right now, I have my stability, I have my eating pattern, my supplements and my bed. I have my support. Even though I don't speak much.. or communicate a lot (only through Internet really), everyone is still there and that counts for soooo much. This is my comfort-zone and wouldn't want to or be able to be anywhere else right now.
Knowing that I'm still not half way there and that she would be able take total control again, holds me back and slows me down, in a good way. I need to do this, in order to fully recover. I am trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one meal at a time.. Not forcing, not pushing, not stressing.. TRYING to do this. It's not my second nature, so I'm re-adjusting. Patience, time, strength and food..that's the aim of the game for the time being.
But not anymore. I have to be strong. And eat.
Sometimes I deal with this with no worries. Others days not so well. On days that I feel like a balloon or pregnant, I have to switch off. I don't want to look at myself, I don't want people around me, I don't want to see food, I don't want to prepare food. Then I'm just pleased if I make it through the day and eat everything I should. Nothing else matters whenever I'm feeling fat.
When I feel that way, I would just want to stay in bed all day, with my book, not think about my belly, not focus on anything to do with food.. Just close myself off.. Away from the kitchen, away from people. Away from the feeling of panic, away from the reality of it all. That is glorious. But I never do that, I never stay in bed all day.. maybe I should.. Escaping reality, just to make it through. The further down the line I get, the more it might happen, the more this feeling of being fat and disgusting will arise.. As long as I keep on eating, I will get through that stage of this, just like have gotten through the other stages so far. As long as I know how to deal with it, as long as I know what works for me, then I'll keep on eating..
I know that if I wasn't able to switch off Anna, if I was to give in, if I were NOT to follow the brilliant advice Mark gave me "fake it till I make it", then I could so easily slip back into my old pattern. I could still so easily go for as long as I want without eating. This tells me, I'm not over this by a long shot. Knowing this, also makes me keep my feet on the ground.. It keeps me aware of the fact that I'm still not recovered.. I still have miles to go. Because I know I wouldn't be able to go for a week by myself and eat everything I should be eating. I would give in to old habits quite easily. Here at home, nobody has to feed me, I control it myself. But with people around and therefore it's different. It's like it makes me feel safe. Right here, right now, I have my stability, I have my eating pattern, my supplements and my bed. I have my support. Even though I don't speak much.. or communicate a lot (only through Internet really), everyone is still there and that counts for soooo much. This is my comfort-zone and wouldn't want to or be able to be anywhere else right now.
Knowing that I'm still not half way there and that she would be able take total control again, holds me back and slows me down, in a good way. I need to do this, in order to fully recover. I am trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one meal at a time.. Not forcing, not pushing, not stressing.. TRYING to do this. It's not my second nature, so I'm re-adjusting. Patience, time, strength and food..that's the aim of the game for the time being.
Learning to eat again
Learning it eat again.
I knew that's what I had to do. I know that's what I am doing. Still it seems odd.
Behaviour and reactions that are linked to this, have cropped up, with me not even realizing that my body, when it comes to food that is, can be compared to that of a baby. A baby is born, and the first months, all the baby needs to do is eat and sleep, and build up an appetite.. adapting to foods, starting on liquids then slowly onto solids.. building up an immune system, providing the body with sufficient nutrition that there's room for compensation, taking in the food and teaching the body to recognize hunger.. The stomach and the brain are building a relationship.
According to Diann, I'm in the process of teaching my body to become aware of food, when and what it needs and how much. The basics of eating.. Such a simple thing, that everyone takes for granted..
Sorry Mam, after you going through all that hard work, when I was a baby, making me "big" and strong, and I've undone all that effort and good work.. oops.. ;)
By reactions and behaviour I meant the urge I have or regularly get, to constantly eat. Anytime I eat, I want more and more. But I'm strong, so I ignore this urge. Sometimes I think I should act on it, but I know that it's not good. Because my body can't digest huge amounts in one go. If I were to do this, I wouldn't eat for the rest of the day, and that's not the effect I'm aiming for at the moment.
I'm always so afraid as well, that when I start eating something I really like, I won't be able to stop. Another thing is that, whenever I have my supplement drink, I want another one.. even though I'm full and I'd make myself ill.. I still want more. I would constantly want to stuff my face with everything, thinking that will make me better as quickly as possible. But it won't.
This urge to constantly want more food and knowing that I won't be able to stop once I start eating something I love, is because my body doesn't know when to be hungry. After being in starvation mode for so long, it's forgotten what signals to send between my stomach and brain. It doesn't know when I'm full and doesn't know if and when my next meal will be coming and what portion size it will be, so it just thinks that it has to keep me eating.. and that's the urge I feel so often.. Even when I'm like a stuffed chicken..
I honestly thought, that by now, it would have settled. But it hasn't. It will take some more weeks/months before the urge will become less and less. I am already starting to recognize hunger-pains now.. last week I had 2 incidents when I was so hungry that I got the shakes and felt weak.. I hadn't felt that feeling of hunger in more than a year..if not longer.. because I'd learned to ignore it. It was so strange to feel that way.. everybody knows the feeling.. having to have food RIGHT NOW or else fainting.. to me that was a true sign, that my body is learning..even though it's a slow process.
The best way to handle to whole process of teaching my body normal eating patterns again, is to have small amounts, regularly.. All dietitians advise anybody wanting to loose weight or eat healthily, to have 6 small meals a day.
So, that's how I'm learning again. That's how it's been approached.
From this week, I have a lot of food to eat. My daily menu is now as followed:
-Yogurt (120ml) with 2 tablespoons of muesli and nuts
-Supplement drink number 1 (these are still the same, like a milky drink with either vanilla or strawberry.. or if I'm really lucky.. Chocolate..huummmm (the cures any craving I would ever have, to wanna eat chocolate, it's been the beginning of June since I've had those )
-piece of fruit
-vegetarian sausage
-glass of orange juice
-supplement drink number 2
-piece of fruit or muesli bar
-dinner (always has to have meat/chicken/fish and a proper portion of carbohydrates)
-glass of watermelon juice
-supplement drink number 3
Isn't that a lot of food? The juices have only been added this week. That's kind of a big step. To me, it's like adding 2 extra eating times to the menu.. even though it's only liquid. I mean, everyone has a drink of juice whenever they're thirsty or with meals.. But I had stopped taking juices ages ago.. (if I was to have anything in that format, it would be a light version, with no more than 10 calories per 100ml..). I never saw the need for juice. I drank lots and lots of herbal tea and water. I always said to myself: why would I put in extra calories by drinking juice just to get keep myself hydrated, if I can have water that contains nothing..
I started yesterday and I only have a small glass though. For now anyhow. See how it goes.
So, a lot of eating.. It's all healthy and good and nutritious, I know.. But it still seems like an enormous amount.
I'm trying not to worry about it, and trying to forget the feeling of being full all the time. I'm trying to ignore the urge to want to stuff my face all day long and trying not to worry about not being able to stop eating.. It's like Diann said.."Is there anybody in the world that could literally not stop themselves from eating.." Well, of course not, because it's physically not possible.. a person will eventually stop..even if it was only to vomit..
The pains in my stomach are becoming less. The stings and stretching feelings in my stomach aren't as frequent. The bloating has just become something constant. My stomach is just a balloon, all the time.
Wouldn't you think, all the eating I'm doing that I would be back to my normal weight by now..? Well, I'm not too sure, actually, I know I'm not. I haven't been weighed for 3 weeks now.. But I think I have put on around 2 kilos.. in my face.. O yeah, that's me all over isn't.. Any weight I have ever put on, it has always been in my face (those of you who remember me coming back from working in the Alps.. with an enormous head and a nose twice the size..after gaining 4 kilos in the space of 4 months..doens't seem a lot, but when it's mainly in your face, then it's a massive amount..haha)..so now it's no different.. Any weight I'm putting on, is going onto my head..Well, it has to start somewhere I suppose..
I'd better be off now, my vegetarian sausage awaits.. (if you've never tried them, give them a shot.. real tasty!)
I knew that's what I had to do. I know that's what I am doing. Still it seems odd.
Behaviour and reactions that are linked to this, have cropped up, with me not even realizing that my body, when it comes to food that is, can be compared to that of a baby. A baby is born, and the first months, all the baby needs to do is eat and sleep, and build up an appetite.. adapting to foods, starting on liquids then slowly onto solids.. building up an immune system, providing the body with sufficient nutrition that there's room for compensation, taking in the food and teaching the body to recognize hunger.. The stomach and the brain are building a relationship.
According to Diann, I'm in the process of teaching my body to become aware of food, when and what it needs and how much. The basics of eating.. Such a simple thing, that everyone takes for granted..
Sorry Mam, after you going through all that hard work, when I was a baby, making me "big" and strong, and I've undone all that effort and good work.. oops.. ;)
By reactions and behaviour I meant the urge I have or regularly get, to constantly eat. Anytime I eat, I want more and more. But I'm strong, so I ignore this urge. Sometimes I think I should act on it, but I know that it's not good. Because my body can't digest huge amounts in one go. If I were to do this, I wouldn't eat for the rest of the day, and that's not the effect I'm aiming for at the moment.
I'm always so afraid as well, that when I start eating something I really like, I won't be able to stop. Another thing is that, whenever I have my supplement drink, I want another one.. even though I'm full and I'd make myself ill.. I still want more. I would constantly want to stuff my face with everything, thinking that will make me better as quickly as possible. But it won't.
This urge to constantly want more food and knowing that I won't be able to stop once I start eating something I love, is because my body doesn't know when to be hungry. After being in starvation mode for so long, it's forgotten what signals to send between my stomach and brain. It doesn't know when I'm full and doesn't know if and when my next meal will be coming and what portion size it will be, so it just thinks that it has to keep me eating.. and that's the urge I feel so often.. Even when I'm like a stuffed chicken..
I honestly thought, that by now, it would have settled. But it hasn't. It will take some more weeks/months before the urge will become less and less. I am already starting to recognize hunger-pains now.. last week I had 2 incidents when I was so hungry that I got the shakes and felt weak.. I hadn't felt that feeling of hunger in more than a year..if not longer.. because I'd learned to ignore it. It was so strange to feel that way.. everybody knows the feeling.. having to have food RIGHT NOW or else fainting.. to me that was a true sign, that my body is learning..even though it's a slow process.
The best way to handle to whole process of teaching my body normal eating patterns again, is to have small amounts, regularly.. All dietitians advise anybody wanting to loose weight or eat healthily, to have 6 small meals a day.
So, that's how I'm learning again. That's how it's been approached.
From this week, I have a lot of food to eat. My daily menu is now as followed:
-Yogurt (120ml) with 2 tablespoons of muesli and nuts
-Supplement drink number 1 (these are still the same, like a milky drink with either vanilla or strawberry.. or if I'm really lucky.. Chocolate..huummmm (the cures any craving I would ever have, to wanna eat chocolate, it's been the beginning of June since I've had those )
-piece of fruit
-vegetarian sausage
-glass of orange juice
-supplement drink number 2
-piece of fruit or muesli bar
-dinner (always has to have meat/chicken/fish and a proper portion of carbohydrates)
-glass of watermelon juice
-supplement drink number 3
Isn't that a lot of food? The juices have only been added this week. That's kind of a big step. To me, it's like adding 2 extra eating times to the menu.. even though it's only liquid. I mean, everyone has a drink of juice whenever they're thirsty or with meals.. But I had stopped taking juices ages ago.. (if I was to have anything in that format, it would be a light version, with no more than 10 calories per 100ml..). I never saw the need for juice. I drank lots and lots of herbal tea and water. I always said to myself: why would I put in extra calories by drinking juice just to get keep myself hydrated, if I can have water that contains nothing..
I started yesterday and I only have a small glass though. For now anyhow. See how it goes.
So, a lot of eating.. It's all healthy and good and nutritious, I know.. But it still seems like an enormous amount.
I'm trying not to worry about it, and trying to forget the feeling of being full all the time. I'm trying to ignore the urge to want to stuff my face all day long and trying not to worry about not being able to stop eating.. It's like Diann said.."Is there anybody in the world that could literally not stop themselves from eating.." Well, of course not, because it's physically not possible.. a person will eventually stop..even if it was only to vomit..
The pains in my stomach are becoming less. The stings and stretching feelings in my stomach aren't as frequent. The bloating has just become something constant. My stomach is just a balloon, all the time.
Wouldn't you think, all the eating I'm doing that I would be back to my normal weight by now..? Well, I'm not too sure, actually, I know I'm not. I haven't been weighed for 3 weeks now.. But I think I have put on around 2 kilos.. in my face.. O yeah, that's me all over isn't.. Any weight I have ever put on, it has always been in my face (those of you who remember me coming back from working in the Alps.. with an enormous head and a nose twice the size..after gaining 4 kilos in the space of 4 months..doens't seem a lot, but when it's mainly in your face, then it's a massive amount..haha)..so now it's no different.. Any weight I'm putting on, is going onto my head..Well, it has to start somewhere I suppose..
I'd better be off now, my vegetarian sausage awaits.. (if you've never tried them, give them a shot.. real tasty!)
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Cake in the Oven
The medication for Anorexia..
Sunday evening I was feeling very normal, I was a human being and I was just keeping myself occupied with other things, than Anna. I was fine and I was on planet earth (which is a nice place to be). And all of a sudden.. I realized that I hadn't focused on Anna for hours.. and I started to panic.. I thought.."oh no, I haven't done anything in hours to fight against Anna, what am I going to do.. I need to fight her.. I need to be doing something, be it crying, be it feeling depressed, be it eating, be it not eating, be it writing, be it stressing.. anything".. But I wasn't doing any of this.. Hummm, weird. So then, I started worrying if I was doing enough to fight her..
A great metaphor from Diann (it that's correct English, not too sure..): "Whenever you bake a cake, you put it in the oven, and then it needs to bake for a certain period of time.. you don't keep on taking it out.. or else it will never be a nice bake.."
Get the point? With therapy things are recovering and healing beneath the surface.. Regularly things are added, issues are dealt with, nutrition is being consumed and put to good work, things are realized, thing are clarified and then let to set, to progress. The process of healing and recovery is still ongoing, but underneath. You're not always aware of it.. But that's good. It will come to the surface as soon as it's ready, and will be dealt with in a certain manner and then left to stew again. All these "goings-on beneath the surface" without us realizing it, gives us time to build up strength and energy to deal with the next "round".
So it's all working.. even if I'm not aware of it (that goes for the sessions with Diann as well as acupuncture as well as all the food I'm constantly consuming).
My final question on this subject: "What more could I be doing?".. Diann's Answer: "The best medication for Anorexia, is food (and time).. and you're eating, so no stress.. there's nothing more you can do right now..".. And I breathe a sigh of relief..
I'm just a cake in the oven..
Sunday evening I was feeling very normal, I was a human being and I was just keeping myself occupied with other things, than Anna. I was fine and I was on planet earth (which is a nice place to be). And all of a sudden.. I realized that I hadn't focused on Anna for hours.. and I started to panic.. I thought.."oh no, I haven't done anything in hours to fight against Anna, what am I going to do.. I need to fight her.. I need to be doing something, be it crying, be it feeling depressed, be it eating, be it not eating, be it writing, be it stressing.. anything".. But I wasn't doing any of this.. Hummm, weird. So then, I started worrying if I was doing enough to fight her..
A great metaphor from Diann (it that's correct English, not too sure..): "Whenever you bake a cake, you put it in the oven, and then it needs to bake for a certain period of time.. you don't keep on taking it out.. or else it will never be a nice bake.."
Get the point? With therapy things are recovering and healing beneath the surface.. Regularly things are added, issues are dealt with, nutrition is being consumed and put to good work, things are realized, thing are clarified and then let to set, to progress. The process of healing and recovery is still ongoing, but underneath. You're not always aware of it.. But that's good. It will come to the surface as soon as it's ready, and will be dealt with in a certain manner and then left to stew again. All these "goings-on beneath the surface" without us realizing it, gives us time to build up strength and energy to deal with the next "round".
So it's all working.. even if I'm not aware of it (that goes for the sessions with Diann as well as acupuncture as well as all the food I'm constantly consuming).
My final question on this subject: "What more could I be doing?".. Diann's Answer: "The best medication for Anorexia, is food (and time).. and you're eating, so no stress.. there's nothing more you can do right now..".. And I breathe a sigh of relief..
I'm just a cake in the oven..
02-09-08 Session 8
"How was my week?", Diann asked. I didn't really know. Or I did but I didn't want to hear myself speak to words. Once the words have been said out loud, then there's no escaping them.. There's no denying and there's no turning back..
But I had to honest, no matter how bad it made me feel. My week was okay. It wasn't a bad week. It was better than the week before and the week before that.. Why did I not want to say it? Because I'm admitting that I'm improving, I'm letting myself recover and it feels so wrong. Everything I have let myself do, this week, has felt wrong. Feeling hungry, feeling full, feeling good, feeling rested, finishing my food, eating all my extras, feeling proud of myself.. Everything makes me feel guilty. Being good to myself makes me feel so bad.. I know it's Anna.. I'm fully aware of that. She's getting angry because I'm ignoring her, because I'm fighting her, because I'm not listening to her and because I'm trying to resist her controlling and ruling my life. It's making her angry and that in turn makes me feel like the worst person in the world..
I could approach this is a different manor: Diann asked me to think of something that made me feel good about myself.. Something I had either done or was going to do.. Anything that gave me a boost. Tricky..(nothing at the moment..haha.. a no.. I just had to dig deep).. Well..I have been sorting through all my photos from when I was backpacking is Australia, and a few days ago I came across a picture taken in Sydney of me with just a random guy and the moment I saw it, a rush of energy went straight through, I could literally feel this shot of energy shoot through my core.. It was so strange.. The guy in the picture wasn't even a close mate or anything.. But just this amazing rush and buzz I got from that picture was freaky.. So that was something that made me feel good. She wanted me to switch between the 2 feelings.. "bring up the feelings of guilt.. relive it.. and now bring up the feeling of energy and joy from the picture.. relive it.. and switch back and forward.."
This was hard to do, because they are opposites of each other.. But it's doable with a lot of concentration.. The whole point behind this... These 2 feelings can exist beside each other. Just because one is being felt at that present time, doesn't mean the other feeling will never be felt again. You are capable of having both feelings.. one doesn't rule out the other.. It can be compared to being in a grumpy mood. This doesn't mean that you won't be laughing your head off at something random in hours to come.. Or if you are upset, doesn't mean that all your other emotions and feelings have been switched off.. It's just at that moment in time, these feelings are there and they are meant to be FELT.. That makes so much sense really.. So just let those feelings be FELT, it's for a reason, deal with it, and it'll pass again..
It's such a weird "place" where I'm at now.. It seems to be harder and more confusing than 3 or 4 weeks ago. It's slightly less scary.. but it is harder. 4 weeks ago, I was in a dark place.. Now slowly things are changing, I can think more clearly, I can focus a little better, my mood is lighter and I'm interested in little things that are happening around me. But it feels so wrong. I'm not allowed to be feeling like this. I can see the difference, I can feel it, but it's going against my "better judgment".
According to Diann, a friction is starting to happen: Leaving a "low and gloomy" state of mind (I'm not going to use the term depression..because I'm not sure if that's what I was) and seeing rays at the end of the tunnel..
The state of mind that I was in, was an easy one to give into, it ruled my days and now it's drifting away from me without me having any control over it at all.. I'm not forcing it away, I'm not forcing myself be feel better, I'm not forcing myself to act in a good mood.. It's just happening. It's like I'm treading on unfamiliar territory. Being "down" is less confusing for me, it's easier and it's safe because it has become something that has "normal".. (but obviously it's not "normal" and it's not me, because without me forcing it, I'm acting differently, the way I used to) It almost has become "you". The doom and gloom, when it takes over, it's like you forget the person you are, how you are from day to day, how you would react to certain daily things and what it's like for others to be around the "normal" you..
So now, even though I hate writing this, it's lifting and I'm taking an interest.. I now actually wanting to know how Sean's day went, I actually am interested in Eileen's' party last night.. 4 weeks ago, it just all happened around me and I didn't give a damn. What I thought had become my "normal" behaviour, obviously wasn't, not now that, without forcing it, hints of the old Niamh are starting to reappear. I don't want to focus on this "friction" between these two states of mind, because it will only wreck my head. It's happening, without me having any control over it. I'll have days when I'm still withdrawn, down and feeling bad and I'll have days of energy, life and humor.
My head will eventually clear, all by itself. I have to just let it take it's own course..
Lesson 1: "Live through it and Just let it be".
It's so confusing, the friction between the two. Why? More wise words were soon thrown my way:
When dealing with a problem, the brain will always go for the easy path, the one that it's always been taking.. The brain is lazy.. so that's just what it does. Whenever I've been dealing with the problems of guilt and doom and gloom in a negative way, then that's what the mind will do, that's the path it will choose. It's easier that way..
However these paths can be changed. I can train myself to see these guilty, bad, sh*tty and gloomy feeling as something positive. The positive path, is to see that they are caused due to my banning Anna from my life. I shouldn't dwell on these guilty feelings.. (easier said than done). But I can see what Diann means. The guilty and sh*tty feelings (either physically or mentally) are because I'm fighting and that's positive.
In order change the path, I need to reprogram my brain. And that's the tricky part. Because it's lazy and it has "a mind of it's own".. Change is good, but a changing beliefs is hard. I'm trying at the moment, well I have been ever since I've started battling Anna.. If I manage to train my brain, constantly (or as often as I'm mentally able), to take the positive path.. then shouldn't I start to see the benefits of all this confusion, pain and frustration? I can only try..
Saying that, I can now see the link between letting the feelings and myself just "be",(as I mentioned earlier)and just living through them because they are there for a reason. The reason is for me to realize and see the positive side of it. When I feel bad, Anna is pissed off.. so I'm fighting, and I'm slowly making progress. It will keep me motivated and slowly I might start to appreciate the benefits instead of loathing them.. (well I should do anyway.. great theory.. but in practice is another thing..)
Lesson 2: See the positive connection when dealing with an issue.
It's the same as habits. Just like beliefs, habits are also imprinted in our brains, the mind has been working according to these habits for years and years.. and it's normal. But when these habits aren't "normal" anymore (that's always a tricky word to use, "normal".. because everyone has different description of what's normal, but that's another issue), when the habits start to rule your life, take over and make you ill.. then you're in trouble, and the habits need to be worked on.. or adjusted or even banned. A prime example of someone who has let certain habits lead to illness.. Me!
Ever since I started working on beating Anna's habits and readjusting my beliefs, other habits have taken over.. A few examples: The time. I obsess about the time, I count the hours I have been writing, I count the hours since I have eaten, I count the hours I have been watching tv, I count the minutes it takes me to drink my drink... Constantly fixated on the clock.. And it does my head in. But it's closely linked to Anna, because I used to connect the time to food...(16 hours in between dinner and breakfast.. 6 hours in between lunch and dinner.. etc..). So it's now not connected to food the way it used to be, but now it's just connected to my life in every other aspect..constantly. Another habit linked to Anna.. is making lists..For everything I make lists, I always have one in my pocket.. at one stage I had 5 lists with different stuff I needed to do.
I have started seeing it as obsessive behavior. I've been living like this for so long.. It's about having control on certain parts of my life.. Now that I'm getting rid of Anna, I need something else to take her place.. Well, that's what my mind is telling me.. because that's what it's used to doing..
Now, I have to work on it. I have to start re-programming my brain. I have let all this go. I have to stop putting myself under so much pressure. I have to slow down. There's is no need for it.. (especially not now, as I have hardly no responsibilities.. except nursing Fay). According to Diann, it's the best thing I will ever do, is learn to slow down and give up putting myself under the strain and stress for no reason at all.. because, at the end of the day, that's what lead me to be anorexic..
I got a little homework.. Take off my watch.. live without it! ..That's weird.. Diann even compared it to the weighing scales..it's just a number, it shouldn't rule your life, it's doesn't make you a happier person, and you can never even say if it's right or not, because on the other end of the world it's different again..so who's time is right..;)
And, I also have to make a list, at the end of the day, of what I have DONE, instead of making one in the morning of what I'm going TO DO. That's just taking a different perspective of the term "being productive". I also have write down what I'm grateful for, that day.
Lesson 3: Small steps to re-program my brain will lead me to where I'm going.
My head is getting clearer, I notice it, big time. Because I'm constantly running away with myself.. and my poor body can't keep up.. (My body cannot got outside the door without dreaming about being in bed.)Mentally I'm driving myself insane. How do I know? Because thinking about the feeling of doom and gloom starting to lift is making me worry about months down the line.. "What happens if, in a few months, when I'm getting stronger and stronger, I get then get depressed about the fact that there's a whole life out there and I'm not a part of it and that I'm missing out on things.. Won't I then be depressed all over again?".. Once the time comes, I can try use these "worries" to drive me. They should motivate me to get my life back and to get out there and be apart of the world again. I know this is true, but I'm somehow worried that I'll let it hold me back and that so much more issues will arise.. Actually, I'm really talking sh*t right now, just as I'm typing this, I know that if I can get out a "doom and gloom valley" that's caused by Anna, than I can definitely get over any bit of doom and gloom caused by other issues that will be so much less significant.. My god.. what am I worrying about?
Right, back on track, the whole thing that triggered the "worrying about months down the line", is that I'm scared of not knowing WHEN I'm able to take back my life.. I don't know if I will make the right decision.. How will I know when the time is right.. (because my weak point of "getting ahead of myself", could get me into trouble, or cause me end up back at square one..). Diann reckons I will know, I'll be able to trust my intuition.. trust my gut instinct.. Go with what feels right.. I used to be able to trust it, but at this moment I don't think I can. Hopefully it will come back, with time.. I just feel that after having pushed this illness on myself, thinking that I was doing myself good which spiraled out of control, I won't know if other decisions I make are the right ones (even though every decision is risky, we're never 100% certain what's right and wrong for us..). She asked me: " Have you trusted your intuition before and has it been right for you?". My answer: "Yes".
Lesson 4: Learn to trust my intuition again.
Down to the food..
Last week I had to eat some tofu throughout the day and a half a portion extra of carbohydrates. Well, the tofu didn't go too well.. I tried it 4 days, but it wasn't my "cup of tea". I have been finishing my plate at dinnertime, which is BIG step forward. Up to 2 weeks ago, I wasn't.. I would usually throw at least a few mouthfuls in the bin. But this week I have the scraping them(to the point where I would want to lick them..). So that in itself is good.
From today I have to have a glass of orange juice and some watermelon and a vegetarian sausage.. (don't really know what these sausages are, but it's instead of the tofu, so I get some extra protein). That's a lot of extras.. Especially seeing as though I never drink anything other than herbal tea or water.. It's like 2 extra portions of fruit.. A LOT!!! But I can only give it my best shot.. nothing more, nothing less..
What I took from this session, might not come as a shock..
I HAVE TO JUST LET MYSELF "BE". Not over-analyze. Not to pressure myself. Not to stress myself out. Not to worry. My brain is using far too much calories, according to Diann.. I should be using them to get my legs back into gear..that way my mind won't be running away with myself, but it will actually be my legs that will be able to do the running ;).
So a lot homework this week.. some theory, some practical and a lot of eating.. See how it all goes.. But for now.. brain rest..
But I had to honest, no matter how bad it made me feel. My week was okay. It wasn't a bad week. It was better than the week before and the week before that.. Why did I not want to say it? Because I'm admitting that I'm improving, I'm letting myself recover and it feels so wrong. Everything I have let myself do, this week, has felt wrong. Feeling hungry, feeling full, feeling good, feeling rested, finishing my food, eating all my extras, feeling proud of myself.. Everything makes me feel guilty. Being good to myself makes me feel so bad.. I know it's Anna.. I'm fully aware of that. She's getting angry because I'm ignoring her, because I'm fighting her, because I'm not listening to her and because I'm trying to resist her controlling and ruling my life. It's making her angry and that in turn makes me feel like the worst person in the world..
I could approach this is a different manor: Diann asked me to think of something that made me feel good about myself.. Something I had either done or was going to do.. Anything that gave me a boost. Tricky..(nothing at the moment..haha.. a no.. I just had to dig deep).. Well..I have been sorting through all my photos from when I was backpacking is Australia, and a few days ago I came across a picture taken in Sydney of me with just a random guy and the moment I saw it, a rush of energy went straight through, I could literally feel this shot of energy shoot through my core.. It was so strange.. The guy in the picture wasn't even a close mate or anything.. But just this amazing rush and buzz I got from that picture was freaky.. So that was something that made me feel good. She wanted me to switch between the 2 feelings.. "bring up the feelings of guilt.. relive it.. and now bring up the feeling of energy and joy from the picture.. relive it.. and switch back and forward.."
This was hard to do, because they are opposites of each other.. But it's doable with a lot of concentration.. The whole point behind this... These 2 feelings can exist beside each other. Just because one is being felt at that present time, doesn't mean the other feeling will never be felt again. You are capable of having both feelings.. one doesn't rule out the other.. It can be compared to being in a grumpy mood. This doesn't mean that you won't be laughing your head off at something random in hours to come.. Or if you are upset, doesn't mean that all your other emotions and feelings have been switched off.. It's just at that moment in time, these feelings are there and they are meant to be FELT.. That makes so much sense really.. So just let those feelings be FELT, it's for a reason, deal with it, and it'll pass again..
It's such a weird "place" where I'm at now.. It seems to be harder and more confusing than 3 or 4 weeks ago. It's slightly less scary.. but it is harder. 4 weeks ago, I was in a dark place.. Now slowly things are changing, I can think more clearly, I can focus a little better, my mood is lighter and I'm interested in little things that are happening around me. But it feels so wrong. I'm not allowed to be feeling like this. I can see the difference, I can feel it, but it's going against my "better judgment".
According to Diann, a friction is starting to happen: Leaving a "low and gloomy" state of mind (I'm not going to use the term depression..because I'm not sure if that's what I was) and seeing rays at the end of the tunnel..
The state of mind that I was in, was an easy one to give into, it ruled my days and now it's drifting away from me without me having any control over it at all.. I'm not forcing it away, I'm not forcing myself be feel better, I'm not forcing myself to act in a good mood.. It's just happening. It's like I'm treading on unfamiliar territory. Being "down" is less confusing for me, it's easier and it's safe because it has become something that has "normal".. (but obviously it's not "normal" and it's not me, because without me forcing it, I'm acting differently, the way I used to) It almost has become "you". The doom and gloom, when it takes over, it's like you forget the person you are, how you are from day to day, how you would react to certain daily things and what it's like for others to be around the "normal" you..
So now, even though I hate writing this, it's lifting and I'm taking an interest.. I now actually wanting to know how Sean's day went, I actually am interested in Eileen's' party last night.. 4 weeks ago, it just all happened around me and I didn't give a damn. What I thought had become my "normal" behaviour, obviously wasn't, not now that, without forcing it, hints of the old Niamh are starting to reappear. I don't want to focus on this "friction" between these two states of mind, because it will only wreck my head. It's happening, without me having any control over it. I'll have days when I'm still withdrawn, down and feeling bad and I'll have days of energy, life and humor.
My head will eventually clear, all by itself. I have to just let it take it's own course..
Lesson 1: "Live through it and Just let it be".
It's so confusing, the friction between the two. Why? More wise words were soon thrown my way:
When dealing with a problem, the brain will always go for the easy path, the one that it's always been taking.. The brain is lazy.. so that's just what it does. Whenever I've been dealing with the problems of guilt and doom and gloom in a negative way, then that's what the mind will do, that's the path it will choose. It's easier that way..
However these paths can be changed. I can train myself to see these guilty, bad, sh*tty and gloomy feeling as something positive. The positive path, is to see that they are caused due to my banning Anna from my life. I shouldn't dwell on these guilty feelings.. (easier said than done). But I can see what Diann means. The guilty and sh*tty feelings (either physically or mentally) are because I'm fighting and that's positive.
In order change the path, I need to reprogram my brain. And that's the tricky part. Because it's lazy and it has "a mind of it's own".. Change is good, but a changing beliefs is hard. I'm trying at the moment, well I have been ever since I've started battling Anna.. If I manage to train my brain, constantly (or as often as I'm mentally able), to take the positive path.. then shouldn't I start to see the benefits of all this confusion, pain and frustration? I can only try..
Saying that, I can now see the link between letting the feelings and myself just "be",(as I mentioned earlier)and just living through them because they are there for a reason. The reason is for me to realize and see the positive side of it. When I feel bad, Anna is pissed off.. so I'm fighting, and I'm slowly making progress. It will keep me motivated and slowly I might start to appreciate the benefits instead of loathing them.. (well I should do anyway.. great theory.. but in practice is another thing..)
Lesson 2: See the positive connection when dealing with an issue.
It's the same as habits. Just like beliefs, habits are also imprinted in our brains, the mind has been working according to these habits for years and years.. and it's normal. But when these habits aren't "normal" anymore (that's always a tricky word to use, "normal".. because everyone has different description of what's normal, but that's another issue), when the habits start to rule your life, take over and make you ill.. then you're in trouble, and the habits need to be worked on.. or adjusted or even banned. A prime example of someone who has let certain habits lead to illness.. Me!
Ever since I started working on beating Anna's habits and readjusting my beliefs, other habits have taken over.. A few examples: The time. I obsess about the time, I count the hours I have been writing, I count the hours since I have eaten, I count the hours I have been watching tv, I count the minutes it takes me to drink my drink... Constantly fixated on the clock.. And it does my head in. But it's closely linked to Anna, because I used to connect the time to food...(16 hours in between dinner and breakfast.. 6 hours in between lunch and dinner.. etc..). So it's now not connected to food the way it used to be, but now it's just connected to my life in every other aspect..constantly. Another habit linked to Anna.. is making lists..For everything I make lists, I always have one in my pocket.. at one stage I had 5 lists with different stuff I needed to do.
I have started seeing it as obsessive behavior. I've been living like this for so long.. It's about having control on certain parts of my life.. Now that I'm getting rid of Anna, I need something else to take her place.. Well, that's what my mind is telling me.. because that's what it's used to doing..
Now, I have to work on it. I have to start re-programming my brain. I have let all this go. I have to stop putting myself under so much pressure. I have to slow down. There's is no need for it.. (especially not now, as I have hardly no responsibilities.. except nursing Fay). According to Diann, it's the best thing I will ever do, is learn to slow down and give up putting myself under the strain and stress for no reason at all.. because, at the end of the day, that's what lead me to be anorexic..
I got a little homework.. Take off my watch.. live without it! ..That's weird.. Diann even compared it to the weighing scales..it's just a number, it shouldn't rule your life, it's doesn't make you a happier person, and you can never even say if it's right or not, because on the other end of the world it's different again..so who's time is right..;)
And, I also have to make a list, at the end of the day, of what I have DONE, instead of making one in the morning of what I'm going TO DO. That's just taking a different perspective of the term "being productive". I also have write down what I'm grateful for, that day.
Lesson 3: Small steps to re-program my brain will lead me to where I'm going.
My head is getting clearer, I notice it, big time. Because I'm constantly running away with myself.. and my poor body can't keep up.. (My body cannot got outside the door without dreaming about being in bed.)Mentally I'm driving myself insane. How do I know? Because thinking about the feeling of doom and gloom starting to lift is making me worry about months down the line.. "What happens if, in a few months, when I'm getting stronger and stronger, I get then get depressed about the fact that there's a whole life out there and I'm not a part of it and that I'm missing out on things.. Won't I then be depressed all over again?".. Once the time comes, I can try use these "worries" to drive me. They should motivate me to get my life back and to get out there and be apart of the world again. I know this is true, but I'm somehow worried that I'll let it hold me back and that so much more issues will arise.. Actually, I'm really talking sh*t right now, just as I'm typing this, I know that if I can get out a "doom and gloom valley" that's caused by Anna, than I can definitely get over any bit of doom and gloom caused by other issues that will be so much less significant.. My god.. what am I worrying about?
Right, back on track, the whole thing that triggered the "worrying about months down the line", is that I'm scared of not knowing WHEN I'm able to take back my life.. I don't know if I will make the right decision.. How will I know when the time is right.. (because my weak point of "getting ahead of myself", could get me into trouble, or cause me end up back at square one..). Diann reckons I will know, I'll be able to trust my intuition.. trust my gut instinct.. Go with what feels right.. I used to be able to trust it, but at this moment I don't think I can. Hopefully it will come back, with time.. I just feel that after having pushed this illness on myself, thinking that I was doing myself good which spiraled out of control, I won't know if other decisions I make are the right ones (even though every decision is risky, we're never 100% certain what's right and wrong for us..). She asked me: " Have you trusted your intuition before and has it been right for you?". My answer: "Yes".
Lesson 4: Learn to trust my intuition again.
Down to the food..
Last week I had to eat some tofu throughout the day and a half a portion extra of carbohydrates. Well, the tofu didn't go too well.. I tried it 4 days, but it wasn't my "cup of tea". I have been finishing my plate at dinnertime, which is BIG step forward. Up to 2 weeks ago, I wasn't.. I would usually throw at least a few mouthfuls in the bin. But this week I have the scraping them(to the point where I would want to lick them..). So that in itself is good.
From today I have to have a glass of orange juice and some watermelon and a vegetarian sausage.. (don't really know what these sausages are, but it's instead of the tofu, so I get some extra protein). That's a lot of extras.. Especially seeing as though I never drink anything other than herbal tea or water.. It's like 2 extra portions of fruit.. A LOT!!! But I can only give it my best shot.. nothing more, nothing less..
What I took from this session, might not come as a shock..
I HAVE TO JUST LET MYSELF "BE". Not over-analyze. Not to pressure myself. Not to stress myself out. Not to worry. My brain is using far too much calories, according to Diann.. I should be using them to get my legs back into gear..that way my mind won't be running away with myself, but it will actually be my legs that will be able to do the running ;).
So a lot homework this week.. some theory, some practical and a lot of eating.. See how it all goes.. But for now.. brain rest..
Monday, September 1, 2008
Click...
A click of the fingers..
I wish I could click my fingers, and all would be well and good
I wish I could click my fingers, and everything would be "normal"
I Click my fingers.. gone is this feeling
I Click my fingers.. gone is this hatred
I Click my fingers.. gone is this self loathe
I Click my fingers.. gone is this fear
Click.. I've got my healthy figure
Click.. I've got my round ass
Click.. I've got my curvy chest
Click.. I've got my hairless face
Click.. It's not cold anymore
Click.. My back doesn't ache
Click.. My heart is so strong
Click.. My legs are brand new
Click.. I'm a woman again
Click.. I'm independent again
Click.. I love the person I am
Click.. I love the life that's mine
Is it possible, if only it was
To click my fingers, and just be me again
To wave a magic wand, and make it go away
To wish upon a star, and Niamh has become Fay
I wish I could click my fingers, and all would be well and good
I wish I could click my fingers, and everything would be "normal"
I Click my fingers.. gone is this feeling
I Click my fingers.. gone is this hatred
I Click my fingers.. gone is this self loathe
I Click my fingers.. gone is this fear
Click.. I've got my healthy figure
Click.. I've got my round ass
Click.. I've got my curvy chest
Click.. I've got my hairless face
Click.. It's not cold anymore
Click.. My back doesn't ache
Click.. My heart is so strong
Click.. My legs are brand new
Click.. I'm a woman again
Click.. I'm independent again
Click.. I love the person I am
Click.. I love the life that's mine
Is it possible, if only it was
To click my fingers, and just be me again
To wave a magic wand, and make it go away
To wish upon a star, and Niamh has become Fay
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Inspired by Cecelia
A memory, so precious
A mind, so unpredictable
A memory, so honest
A mind, so powerful
No denying, it remains
Always there, engraved
No denying, it helps
Always there, cherished
Be it good, be it bad
A memory is your possession
Be it sharp, be it distant
A memory is your creation
Their reason, they are personal
Their effect, they can motivate
Their contribution, they can teach
Their lesson, they are our reflection
Depending on the situation
A memory can help us today
Depending on our destination
A memory can lead the way
Not dwelling, not regretting
But reminiscing and reflecting
Not shouting, not crying
But wisdom and happiness
Every memory is an unforgotten lesson
Every memory gives us something
Every memory is every moment
Every memory creates a life
An energy can be felt
An emotion will arise
Be it a butterfly that leaps
Be it a heart that is stabbed
Life is made up of them
Our heads are overloaded
Every single moment is stored
Every single moment is a ours
The importance of each moment differs
A mental note or a digital photo
Some are worthy of the mantelpiece
Some barely of the journal
Memories running through the soul
Memories never growing old
Memories consisting of feeling
Memories being used for todays healing.
P.S.
I always knew looking back, the tears would make me laugh
But I never knew looking back, the laughs would make me cry
A mind, so unpredictable
A memory, so honest
A mind, so powerful
No denying, it remains
Always there, engraved
No denying, it helps
Always there, cherished
Be it good, be it bad
A memory is your possession
Be it sharp, be it distant
A memory is your creation
Their reason, they are personal
Their effect, they can motivate
Their contribution, they can teach
Their lesson, they are our reflection
Depending on the situation
A memory can help us today
Depending on our destination
A memory can lead the way
Not dwelling, not regretting
But reminiscing and reflecting
Not shouting, not crying
But wisdom and happiness
Every memory is an unforgotten lesson
Every memory gives us something
Every memory is every moment
Every memory creates a life
An energy can be felt
An emotion will arise
Be it a butterfly that leaps
Be it a heart that is stabbed
Life is made up of them
Our heads are overloaded
Every single moment is stored
Every single moment is a ours
The importance of each moment differs
A mental note or a digital photo
Some are worthy of the mantelpiece
Some barely of the journal
Memories running through the soul
Memories never growing old
Memories consisting of feeling
Memories being used for todays healing.
P.S.
I always knew looking back, the tears would make me laugh
But I never knew looking back, the laughs would make me cry
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