After my extremely bad Thursday, things have calmed down..
I was close to exploding by Thursday afternoon.. and just couldn't get away from it all.
So I forced myself to switch it all off and focus on other things.. anything.. even if was just cooking programs on the telly and my book.. Just resting my brain, which was necessary.
Yesterday, Friday, I felt liberated. I was human again.. What a glorious feeling it was. I even had 2 short phone conversations (which is something I have avoiding been for the past weeks, because it would take up too much energy). (Thanks for the brief chats Emma and Trish! it made my day).
It was like I needed to go through what I went through on Thursday to feel normal again.. I had to get it all out, in order to be able to think about other things, not to worry and think about food or about being full. Instead just caring about other little daily things like joining in on a conversation while mam cooks the dinner (On bad days, I wouldn't care what the conversation would be about, I would just ignore it all and let it all happen around me) or laughing at Eileen with her comments that she would only come up with.. (What a nutter she is.. haha)
I didn't want to look on or think about my blog.. It depressed me, just the thought of what I had posted the last times.. I didn't want to go near it, so I didn't.
I was feeling energized yesterday, and tired again today. I don't want to focus on anything that has to do with Anna today, not unless they are positive thoughts I'm having. I can't deal with anything else at the moment. I just want to switch off again, withdraw myself even, and I don't want to worry. Because I do feel so full and sickly right now, that I have to switch off, or else I won't want to eat.
I just want to rest today, and let the world just be..
I don't want stress and I don't want pressure..
It's 10.44 in the morning, and I'm thinking of my bed already.. I've been letting myself sleep more the last few nights. I've been getting between 7 and 8 hours.. I have to keep it up.. Maybe an afternoon nap is in order.. My bed is so comfy... :)
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
....
I'm unrecognisable and don't know why I feel such bitterness
I cannot find the person I think I am or thought I was
Not knowing myself, after thinking for so long that I do
Feeling such resent, towards world and most of all me
How could I be so mean to everyone, this surely cannot be me
Feeling a rush of love followed by an intense feeling of hate
How can they change so often and so drastically
I don't want to act this way but I cannot stop my thoughts
They are there and taking over and wanting to be let out
I want to care but sometimes I just can't, which triggers more hate..
I cannot find the person I think I am or thought I was
Not knowing myself, after thinking for so long that I do
Feeling such resent, towards world and most of all me
How could I be so mean to everyone, this surely cannot be me
Feeling a rush of love followed by an intense feeling of hate
How can they change so often and so drastically
I don't want to act this way but I cannot stop my thoughts
They are there and taking over and wanting to be let out
I want to care but sometimes I just can't, which triggers more hate..
Bad timing
It was just one sentence coming from the heart
I know she meant so well but it hurt me so bad
Bad timing is all it was but caused me to crumble
A stab to the heart would have been less painful
Feeling so angry towards her followed straight away by guilt
How could I react so badly to someone wanting me to be happy
Crying again like a baby whilst wanting this turmoil to end
Worn out worrying that people will never ever understand
In turn my plate won't be emptied as I'm tired fighting
The battle between myself and I as I'm praying for it to stop
The focus shifts from what important to what's not
What and who to care about, how far and in which direction to push
She is standing her ground and I feel it inside
Anna becomes stronger to protect herself from health
Good health is sent by means of "all is going well"
Ignore them or the other direction will appeal and will be followed..
I know she meant so well but it hurt me so bad
Bad timing is all it was but caused me to crumble
A stab to the heart would have been less painful
Feeling so angry towards her followed straight away by guilt
How could I react so badly to someone wanting me to be happy
Crying again like a baby whilst wanting this turmoil to end
Worn out worrying that people will never ever understand
In turn my plate won't be emptied as I'm tired fighting
The battle between myself and I as I'm praying for it to stop
The focus shifts from what important to what's not
What and who to care about, how far and in which direction to push
She is standing her ground and I feel it inside
Anna becomes stronger to protect herself from health
Good health is sent by means of "all is going well"
Ignore them or the other direction will appeal and will be followed..
Be Content.. Be grateful
I'm sitting here, analyzing yet again.
How has the society of today influenced peoples live, positively?
I'm talking about mental and physical health. I'm talking about how everybody feels pressure. Nobody can deny that they never feel pressured. Pressured in the sense that we have to achieve certain things, possess certain amounts and feel and look a certain way.
Otherwise, there must be something wrong? Well, that's so NOT the case.
The pressure from society seems to be that a fulfilled life is only "achieved" as soon as a person is always busy, socializing, going places, having a many friends as possible and having a great career. Why?
People can be "frowned upon" when they have just 1 friend, and empty diary and a job that only just makes ends meet at the end of the month. Why?
Where has this pressure come from? Why does everyone always try be happier than they already are? Is it because some people don't even realize what they have and that a full state of happiness can never be achieved? Ask anybody: "When will you be able to say that you are a happy soul or what will make you happy?". Most people will answer "when i win the lottery", or "when I find the person of my dreams and have kids". Ok, fair enough. That same person who has answered by saying "kids and the person of my dreams", ask them, once they have this, if they're happy, or what they want to make them happy. You won't hear them saying "I don't want anything else.. I no longer strive to be happy, because this is it..". (Maybe the odd person, who actually realizes how lucky they are to have gotten what they longed so badly for, but the majority of people would still have something to add, to make them happy..)
Isn't that such a shame? Why can't people realize that a full state of happiness can never be achieved, but being content in your life is far more important. If everyone realized just how lucky they are to have already have achieved certain things or to have already fulfilled certain things that we used to dream of as young children.. Then wouldn't the pressure be less?
People don't just let themselves live life and enjoy the little things. Everybody is so busy, running through life, not even realizing that their lives are living them and not the other way around, like it should be. People should be enjoying whilst living and not feel frustrated, agitated and annoyed whilst their busy schedules rule their life.
Running through life isn't living.. It's more like "The faster I live, the sooner I will get it over and done with.." or "I'm running somewhere". But where is this race leading? Do people just want to finish it as soon as soon as possible? Or are they running this marathon (which is daily life) to win a full state of Happiness as a reward?.. But hang on..a full state of happiness cannot be achieved.. Conclusion: Maybe just slow down and enjoy what you have right here, right now..
Such a shame that people don't see it..
Okay,I got Slightly off-track..
But how can anyone benefit from living this way? How can a person benefit from all these pressures daily life brings with it? The stress levels, the pace of life and always trying to live by certain standards. The brain will eventually go into melt-down as more and more people start to ignore what their body might be trying to tell them.. Because they don't take time to listen, they don't take time to get better after the flu for instance or they don't slow down and take it easy after a stressful period. This all builds up.. over the years and years.. And then the inevitable will happen..? It will all explode..Everything will come to a head. All at once and it will seem as if it were for no apparent reason.
So What's the point? Why do we feel this need for pressure? It seems like a waste of time. Why would someone live life just to work towards their pension for example? What's the point? We are all here, and alive NOW.. Why do people stress about "saving money for RAINY DAY".. (being in Ireland I can understand, seeing a though there are plenty rainy days..haha), why do people stress about things that are inevitable? It's so pointless..
That's the beauty about countries where they have so little. They live for today, they live in the here and now. They have a roof over their head and food on the table, and loved ones around them.. Why can't that be enough in this western world?
The point I'm trying to make, is never forget that being content is not a goal, it's a state of being and if everyone knew how much they already have, the little things that they cherish, they wouldn't feel the need to constantly strive and achieve happiness, which relieves the pressures that we all feel day in day out.. Because the marathon will never be won, and will never reward you will that full state of happiness that everyone wants..
So, for me, I'm content being in Ireland surrounded by loved ones and I can only benefit from these hard times life is throwing at me right now.
Cherish the things we have.
How has the society of today influenced peoples live, positively?
I'm talking about mental and physical health. I'm talking about how everybody feels pressure. Nobody can deny that they never feel pressured. Pressured in the sense that we have to achieve certain things, possess certain amounts and feel and look a certain way.
Otherwise, there must be something wrong? Well, that's so NOT the case.
The pressure from society seems to be that a fulfilled life is only "achieved" as soon as a person is always busy, socializing, going places, having a many friends as possible and having a great career. Why?
People can be "frowned upon" when they have just 1 friend, and empty diary and a job that only just makes ends meet at the end of the month. Why?
Where has this pressure come from? Why does everyone always try be happier than they already are? Is it because some people don't even realize what they have and that a full state of happiness can never be achieved? Ask anybody: "When will you be able to say that you are a happy soul or what will make you happy?". Most people will answer "when i win the lottery", or "when I find the person of my dreams and have kids". Ok, fair enough. That same person who has answered by saying "kids and the person of my dreams", ask them, once they have this, if they're happy, or what they want to make them happy. You won't hear them saying "I don't want anything else.. I no longer strive to be happy, because this is it..". (Maybe the odd person, who actually realizes how lucky they are to have gotten what they longed so badly for, but the majority of people would still have something to add, to make them happy..)
Isn't that such a shame? Why can't people realize that a full state of happiness can never be achieved, but being content in your life is far more important. If everyone realized just how lucky they are to have already have achieved certain things or to have already fulfilled certain things that we used to dream of as young children.. Then wouldn't the pressure be less?
People don't just let themselves live life and enjoy the little things. Everybody is so busy, running through life, not even realizing that their lives are living them and not the other way around, like it should be. People should be enjoying whilst living and not feel frustrated, agitated and annoyed whilst their busy schedules rule their life.
Running through life isn't living.. It's more like "The faster I live, the sooner I will get it over and done with.." or "I'm running somewhere". But where is this race leading? Do people just want to finish it as soon as soon as possible? Or are they running this marathon (which is daily life) to win a full state of Happiness as a reward?.. But hang on..a full state of happiness cannot be achieved.. Conclusion: Maybe just slow down and enjoy what you have right here, right now..
Such a shame that people don't see it..
Okay,I got Slightly off-track..
But how can anyone benefit from living this way? How can a person benefit from all these pressures daily life brings with it? The stress levels, the pace of life and always trying to live by certain standards. The brain will eventually go into melt-down as more and more people start to ignore what their body might be trying to tell them.. Because they don't take time to listen, they don't take time to get better after the flu for instance or they don't slow down and take it easy after a stressful period. This all builds up.. over the years and years.. And then the inevitable will happen..? It will all explode..Everything will come to a head. All at once and it will seem as if it were for no apparent reason.
So What's the point? Why do we feel this need for pressure? It seems like a waste of time. Why would someone live life just to work towards their pension for example? What's the point? We are all here, and alive NOW.. Why do people stress about "saving money for RAINY DAY".. (being in Ireland I can understand, seeing a though there are plenty rainy days..haha), why do people stress about things that are inevitable? It's so pointless..
That's the beauty about countries where they have so little. They live for today, they live in the here and now. They have a roof over their head and food on the table, and loved ones around them.. Why can't that be enough in this western world?
The point I'm trying to make, is never forget that being content is not a goal, it's a state of being and if everyone knew how much they already have, the little things that they cherish, they wouldn't feel the need to constantly strive and achieve happiness, which relieves the pressures that we all feel day in day out.. Because the marathon will never be won, and will never reward you will that full state of happiness that everyone wants..
So, for me, I'm content being in Ireland surrounded by loved ones and I can only benefit from these hard times life is throwing at me right now.
Cherish the things we have.
Worlds apart
Feeling so miserable, words cannot describe
Having so much anger, just wanting to express
Wanting so badly not to feel this way
Is this just a mood that I'll soon detest..
It goes on and on, like it's never going to end
When feeling so down, feeling good seems so far
It could be impossible to get that feeling back
That feeling of reaching for your lucky star..
Why is the difference so unbelievably big
Between feeling so good and feeling so bad
What was the reason for inventing such doom
Can a someone benefit from feeling so sad..
It's a head wrecker; the moods being up and down
Exhausting because they are worlds from each other
But on a time scale so close, almost face to face
Each mood always trying to fight being smothered..
How can the human body be capable of such things
It's scary the thought that we aren't always in control
Such a powerful force that everything can seem uncertain
What else can we do other than act out the appointed role..
Having so much anger, just wanting to express
Wanting so badly not to feel this way
Is this just a mood that I'll soon detest..
It goes on and on, like it's never going to end
When feeling so down, feeling good seems so far
It could be impossible to get that feeling back
That feeling of reaching for your lucky star..
Why is the difference so unbelievably big
Between feeling so good and feeling so bad
What was the reason for inventing such doom
Can a someone benefit from feeling so sad..
It's a head wrecker; the moods being up and down
Exhausting because they are worlds from each other
But on a time scale so close, almost face to face
Each mood always trying to fight being smothered..
How can the human body be capable of such things
It's scary the thought that we aren't always in control
Such a powerful force that everything can seem uncertain
What else can we do other than act out the appointed role..
Why is this number so important?
I dreamt about a weighing scales last night.
There was lots of them.. And there was me. Not wanting to stand on it.
It was like a weapon.. That scales.. it was an old fashioned one..
Not a digital one, because those are the worst, they say you are heavier than you are.
The dirty sh*ts..
It kept on going round and round, the scales, it didn't stop.
But I know that I put on weight, It was awful. It was a nightmare.
I don't ever want to stand on again.. Never ever.
I hate the word "weighing scales".. Who ever invented that must have been off their heads..
I hate the word "kilo", and "stone", I hate it all with avengance.
Why does it always have to so important. Why does it play such a big role?
It pisses me off so much. It's only a number. So why am I having nightmares about it?
I know I've put on weight, but I don't want to know how much.
It's the first thing everybody asks ma..(yeah, ma, I'm not stupid, I know what goes on..) "has she put on weight?".. Why do you all want to know that? Just leave me alone, and stop asking that same question over and over. It's not important!
Isn't it more important that I AM eating and doing what I can, than a stupid number on the scales.. It makes me so angry!
I'm not going to be telling anyone my weight ever again. It's something I never want to talk about. If Diann weighs me, and I decide I don't want to know, then nobody else will be knowing my weight either.. Only Diann..
I hate it so much, that one stupid number has ruled my life. It's not fair.. and I just don't want to know anymore!
Leave me and my weight alone.. I'm fat, not skinny anymore, so you will all be pretty pleased to hear that, I'm sure..
There was lots of them.. And there was me. Not wanting to stand on it.
It was like a weapon.. That scales.. it was an old fashioned one..
Not a digital one, because those are the worst, they say you are heavier than you are.
The dirty sh*ts..
It kept on going round and round, the scales, it didn't stop.
But I know that I put on weight, It was awful. It was a nightmare.
I don't ever want to stand on again.. Never ever.
I hate the word "weighing scales".. Who ever invented that must have been off their heads..
I hate the word "kilo", and "stone", I hate it all with avengance.
Why does it always have to so important. Why does it play such a big role?
It pisses me off so much. It's only a number. So why am I having nightmares about it?
I know I've put on weight, but I don't want to know how much.
It's the first thing everybody asks ma..(yeah, ma, I'm not stupid, I know what goes on..) "has she put on weight?".. Why do you all want to know that? Just leave me alone, and stop asking that same question over and over. It's not important!
Isn't it more important that I AM eating and doing what I can, than a stupid number on the scales.. It makes me so angry!
I'm not going to be telling anyone my weight ever again. It's something I never want to talk about. If Diann weighs me, and I decide I don't want to know, then nobody else will be knowing my weight either.. Only Diann..
I hate it so much, that one stupid number has ruled my life. It's not fair.. and I just don't want to know anymore!
Leave me and my weight alone.. I'm fat, not skinny anymore, so you will all be pretty pleased to hear that, I'm sure..
Anger and Frustration
Her ugly doll, Anna, has just received a beating..
Anger and frustration.
It builds and builds.
It makes her withdrawn.
Not realizing why she don't care about anything.
Not really knowing there's an explosion on the horizon.
But suddenly it's triggered.
And it feels so good.
But at the same time, it's like another person.
It cannot be her going ballistic?
She's an outsider looking in.
Looking at this person, watching a scene from a movie.
This person distraught, crying like a baby.
Not knowing how and where it all went so wrong.
Trying and fighting to get back to better health.
But still struggling all the time.
Nobody understanding why or how it has come about.
Nobody realizing just how deep it all goes.
Feeling alone by withdrawing herself.
Feeling alone even though she's not.
Not opening up because it's easier to switch off.
Not thinking about it but just trying to eat.
Doing something that feels so wrong.
Doing something that's good but so bad.
The shame of why this has happened.
The shame of feeling the need to punish herself.
So much goes on underneath the surface.
And nothing else seems to matter.
The world could stop turning.
This wouldn't be a problem and she wouldn't care.
Will anybody ever understand her pain?
Will anybody ever realize why?
Will she ever realize why?
Will she always go on suffering?
It's ruling her life.
She's living through it.
It's always there, 24/7.
Much to her disgust and beyond her control.
She just wants it to end.
This battle, which one will surrender?
Anger and frustration.
It builds and builds.
It makes her withdrawn.
Not realizing why she don't care about anything.
Not really knowing there's an explosion on the horizon.
But suddenly it's triggered.
And it feels so good.
But at the same time, it's like another person.
It cannot be her going ballistic?
She's an outsider looking in.
Looking at this person, watching a scene from a movie.
This person distraught, crying like a baby.
Not knowing how and where it all went so wrong.
Trying and fighting to get back to better health.
But still struggling all the time.
Nobody understanding why or how it has come about.
Nobody realizing just how deep it all goes.
Feeling alone by withdrawing herself.
Feeling alone even though she's not.
Not opening up because it's easier to switch off.
Not thinking about it but just trying to eat.
Doing something that feels so wrong.
Doing something that's good but so bad.
The shame of why this has happened.
The shame of feeling the need to punish herself.
So much goes on underneath the surface.
And nothing else seems to matter.
The world could stop turning.
This wouldn't be a problem and she wouldn't care.
Will anybody ever understand her pain?
Will anybody ever realize why?
Will she ever realize why?
Will she always go on suffering?
It's ruling her life.
She's living through it.
It's always there, 24/7.
Much to her disgust and beyond her control.
She just wants it to end.
This battle, which one will surrender?
I don't want either direction
A feeling of discomfort.
I never ever imagined that trying to eat normal amounts of food again, would cause me so much discomfort and I never realized that it will take so long. Always feeling so full and that all I'm doing is eating. When really, I'm not eating a lot at all..
I thought my body would have gotten used to it a lot quicker. But that really is not the case. I cannot seem to eat anymore at the moment, even if I wanted to.. I'm struggling to eat everything I should be eating and I'm just sick of trying. I'm stuffing my face all day long. The acupuncturist wants me to have a half a slice of toast as well, but I just cannot stomach it.
I look in the mirror and my belly is swollen, I look like I'm 4 months pregnant and I feel disgusting all the time. It's not getting easier, it just seems to be getting worse. This feeling of disgust, was only occasional the past weeks, but now it's constant. I feel like I'm abusing my body by constantly putting all this food into it, I must be doing some damage.. Why else would I feel so bad? I don't feel energized by it, the joints in my knees have started hurting (which I haven't felt before, even though I haven't been walking and my legs feel rested) and my back aches.. I don't feel like I'm benefiting from all this food. It feels so wrong.
I thought maybe I'd feel discomfort in my stomach for just a few weeks, but I hate to say that I think this is only the beginning..
I don't want to feel this awful feeling anymore, everyday I think.."Can I not just skip my a meal or two..nobody will know".. I'm strong enough to switch these thoughts off, so I do keep on eating. But the thoughts are ALWAYS there.. and it would be so easy to act on them. It would be less tiring, it would be peaceful in my head.. What a joy that would be to have peace..
When will the day come, that I will want to eat all this food? When will the day come that I won't feel like a pig that's constantly stuffing it's face? When will the day come that I won't WANT to skip any meals?
At the moment I could so easily slip back into the mode of not eating.. It's crucial that I don't, and I won't, I need to keep strong.
It makes me see that it's still only early days.. I still have so far to go. How long will it take before I won't be feeling that urge of skipping food?? This battle is so far from over, it has shocked me, once again..
I don't want to feel like I'm a fat pig, but I do. I can see my face exploding and colour back in my cheeks, but I don't want this. I don't want to go to the doctor because she will tell me that I'm doing well. I don't want to see anyone friends or family that I haven't seen for the past weeks, because they will tell me I'm looking well.. and that I cannot bear to hear. It would be the biggest insult anyone could give me.
I was looking at photo's of me from 3 weeks ago, and I was skinnier, and I want that back, I want to be that person again. But I can't. I know it's Anna, and she looked bad, but that was good. It scares me so much to know that I will never be that way again. Not if I'm strong enough. What if the strength to want to be like that again is so strong that I will get back to being like that and she'll have me in her claws again? Both directions scare the life out me.. following Fay or following Anna, I don't want either of the them..
I want them both to leave me alone and just let me be...
I never ever imagined that trying to eat normal amounts of food again, would cause me so much discomfort and I never realized that it will take so long. Always feeling so full and that all I'm doing is eating. When really, I'm not eating a lot at all..
I thought my body would have gotten used to it a lot quicker. But that really is not the case. I cannot seem to eat anymore at the moment, even if I wanted to.. I'm struggling to eat everything I should be eating and I'm just sick of trying. I'm stuffing my face all day long. The acupuncturist wants me to have a half a slice of toast as well, but I just cannot stomach it.
I look in the mirror and my belly is swollen, I look like I'm 4 months pregnant and I feel disgusting all the time. It's not getting easier, it just seems to be getting worse. This feeling of disgust, was only occasional the past weeks, but now it's constant. I feel like I'm abusing my body by constantly putting all this food into it, I must be doing some damage.. Why else would I feel so bad? I don't feel energized by it, the joints in my knees have started hurting (which I haven't felt before, even though I haven't been walking and my legs feel rested) and my back aches.. I don't feel like I'm benefiting from all this food. It feels so wrong.
I thought maybe I'd feel discomfort in my stomach for just a few weeks, but I hate to say that I think this is only the beginning..
I don't want to feel this awful feeling anymore, everyday I think.."Can I not just skip my a meal or two..nobody will know".. I'm strong enough to switch these thoughts off, so I do keep on eating. But the thoughts are ALWAYS there.. and it would be so easy to act on them. It would be less tiring, it would be peaceful in my head.. What a joy that would be to have peace..
When will the day come, that I will want to eat all this food? When will the day come that I won't feel like a pig that's constantly stuffing it's face? When will the day come that I won't WANT to skip any meals?
At the moment I could so easily slip back into the mode of not eating.. It's crucial that I don't, and I won't, I need to keep strong.
It makes me see that it's still only early days.. I still have so far to go. How long will it take before I won't be feeling that urge of skipping food?? This battle is so far from over, it has shocked me, once again..
I don't want to feel like I'm a fat pig, but I do. I can see my face exploding and colour back in my cheeks, but I don't want this. I don't want to go to the doctor because she will tell me that I'm doing well. I don't want to see anyone friends or family that I haven't seen for the past weeks, because they will tell me I'm looking well.. and that I cannot bear to hear. It would be the biggest insult anyone could give me.
I was looking at photo's of me from 3 weeks ago, and I was skinnier, and I want that back, I want to be that person again. But I can't. I know it's Anna, and she looked bad, but that was good. It scares me so much to know that I will never be that way again. Not if I'm strong enough. What if the strength to want to be like that again is so strong that I will get back to being like that and she'll have me in her claws again? Both directions scare the life out me.. following Fay or following Anna, I don't want either of the them..
I want them both to leave me alone and just let me be...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
A daily routine has evolved..
What keeps me busy during the day?
From waking up in the morning, to going to sleep at night..
What is my daily routine?
The fact that I don't work, that I have no social life here in Ireland and that I have to rest as much as I can, can make my days seem like they are full of nothingness..
But I can tell you, they aren't really..
One thing about Anna, is that she always wants me to be busy.. If she had her way, it would be actively busy, for instance, walking, cleaning, doing housework, exercise and so on.. I've kind of tried to create a daily routine that is influenced by both Anna and Fay.. Keeping myself busy (this is Anna), however not physically but mentally (this is Fay). By mentally I mean brain work..
So I've started taking up "hobbies" I must do, sitting on my behind. This also requires calories.. or so I've been told.. Whenever I'm not on a massive low, feeling bad, worrying about food, eating every 2 hours or writing these blogs, I will either be caught up in a book, doing puzzles, making jewelry (well, trying to teach myself at the moment) or scrap booking. Yes, I have become a real wild child..
I have also started a "project" (well, that's how I like to see it anyhow), I'm putting together all my "travel stories" and stuff that I have gathered over the past 3 years. With all my beautiful memories.. This is so great to do.. For example, sorting all the emails I sent everyone with my travel stories and adventures.. I then totally "escape" into my own world again and relive everything (and most of the time I can't believe that I wrote those things and that it actually was ME who did all that), it's motivating to say the least.
With time I hope that I will be able to start learning again, so I want to do a Spanish course or an English teaching course. These can be done at home. At the moment, I cannot study, I can't process any information that is anyway "difficult" (it took me so long to write that paragraph on acupuncture.. because it was so technical.. I spent hours trying to make sense out of it all..).. So soon, I hope I'll be willing and able to focus on those more exciting things, to keep me occupied during the day and to have a goal to aim for. That way, my new found energy (that should be knocking on my door sometime soon, a couple of weeks maybe.. or I might be running away with myself) is put to good use. As I am wanting to travel once I get back to my normal self, a Spanish course will keep me motivated.. something that I will be working towards and will be needing once I start "living" again.
As well as these things that keep my brain occupied there is also the dreaded Day-time telly. I'm trying to avoid it, but it's not always easy. I love Dr Phil to bits.. and could watch cooking programs non-stop or programs about people dieting...
So many channels, there is always something to watch. It's too easy to get addicted by just throwing yourself on the sofa and letting time just pass you by.. Sometimes this is allowed right? You know what, I would be better off sleeping than watching telly.. because you actually burn more calories sleeping than watching telly!!.. This means, I probably should be tied down to the bed then..? Or storing the calories by not burning them, whilst watching Gordon Ramsay (he is my all time hero by the way.. love him to bits).. Then I would be listening to Fay, technically speaking? And by sleeping I would be listening to Anna? Hummm.... that's interesting... I'll say no more..
From waking up in the morning, to going to sleep at night..
What is my daily routine?
The fact that I don't work, that I have no social life here in Ireland and that I have to rest as much as I can, can make my days seem like they are full of nothingness..
But I can tell you, they aren't really..
One thing about Anna, is that she always wants me to be busy.. If she had her way, it would be actively busy, for instance, walking, cleaning, doing housework, exercise and so on.. I've kind of tried to create a daily routine that is influenced by both Anna and Fay.. Keeping myself busy (this is Anna), however not physically but mentally (this is Fay). By mentally I mean brain work..
So I've started taking up "hobbies" I must do, sitting on my behind. This also requires calories.. or so I've been told.. Whenever I'm not on a massive low, feeling bad, worrying about food, eating every 2 hours or writing these blogs, I will either be caught up in a book, doing puzzles, making jewelry (well, trying to teach myself at the moment) or scrap booking. Yes, I have become a real wild child..
I have also started a "project" (well, that's how I like to see it anyhow), I'm putting together all my "travel stories" and stuff that I have gathered over the past 3 years. With all my beautiful memories.. This is so great to do.. For example, sorting all the emails I sent everyone with my travel stories and adventures.. I then totally "escape" into my own world again and relive everything (and most of the time I can't believe that I wrote those things and that it actually was ME who did all that), it's motivating to say the least.
With time I hope that I will be able to start learning again, so I want to do a Spanish course or an English teaching course. These can be done at home. At the moment, I cannot study, I can't process any information that is anyway "difficult" (it took me so long to write that paragraph on acupuncture.. because it was so technical.. I spent hours trying to make sense out of it all..).. So soon, I hope I'll be willing and able to focus on those more exciting things, to keep me occupied during the day and to have a goal to aim for. That way, my new found energy (that should be knocking on my door sometime soon, a couple of weeks maybe.. or I might be running away with myself) is put to good use. As I am wanting to travel once I get back to my normal self, a Spanish course will keep me motivated.. something that I will be working towards and will be needing once I start "living" again.
As well as these things that keep my brain occupied there is also the dreaded Day-time telly. I'm trying to avoid it, but it's not always easy. I love Dr Phil to bits.. and could watch cooking programs non-stop or programs about people dieting...
So many channels, there is always something to watch. It's too easy to get addicted by just throwing yourself on the sofa and letting time just pass you by.. Sometimes this is allowed right? You know what, I would be better off sleeping than watching telly.. because you actually burn more calories sleeping than watching telly!!.. This means, I probably should be tied down to the bed then..? Or storing the calories by not burning them, whilst watching Gordon Ramsay (he is my all time hero by the way.. love him to bits).. Then I would be listening to Fay, technically speaking? And by sleeping I would be listening to Anna? Hummm.... that's interesting... I'll say no more..
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Mr. Acupuncturist takes 2
My second appointment with Mr. Acupuncturist.
I don't know if you can remember my blog that I posted on the first appointment I had for acupuncture. This was 3 weeks ago (and it feels like a lifetime..but that's besides the point). Well, today was the second appointment.
The last time, it started out not so well, but ended pretty ok. Today I wasn't sure what to expect. I was feeling more "on this planet" than I was the last time I went, so this was bound to work to my advantage. The first time, he needed to asses me to get an overall picture of my state of well-being. He needed a detailed understanding of my lifestyle, diet, work, medical history and emotional state. This is all to establish the specific treatment and the frequency that is required. We dealt with this last time, so we wouldn't have to go into any details this time round.. thank god.
Before the actual treatment itself, we had a short chat to see if and how my physical and mental state have improved since my last visit.
So just to fill you in: He wanted to know how I was adjusting to the Chinese medicine I have been taking, if my appetite has increased and if I have been eating more. Have I been acting on my hunger pains? I said I was.. But he suggested (out of nowhere) that I should eat an extra slice of bread of day.. O god.. panic..(I wanted to shout at him that I haven't started eating bread on daily basis yet!!! What are you playing at.. How dare you!!", but of course I didn't). The thing is, I've got my whole schedule with Diann, and now he's coming along and muddling it all up by wanting me to eat even more.. "This wasn't the deal dude.. Mr. Acupuncturist!!!".. He could see the panic on my face. So now he suggested a half a piece of toast... Humm... I'm not too sure.. I lied, and said I would, but I'm not 100% convinced just yet..
He wanted to know how my digestive system is at the moment, well to be pretty frank.. up until a few days ago, I wasn't sure I had one.. I reckon it just went on strike.. And the burning, aching and stinging sensations in my stomach were still there, with an enormous amount of bloating.
He wanted to know how my energy levels were.. They have increased in the past 3 weeks, definitely, but I'm not too sure if that's down to the supplements or the Chinese medicine that he has me taking. I started them both 3 weeks ago. Maybe it's a combination of both. So hunger pains and energy levels rising.. I was responding to the treatment. It was going in the right direction. Concentration? This has also gotten better. My desire to get better and realizing how ill I am? Also increased.
I mentally ticked all the boxes..
This is all well and good, acupuncture and I sort of know what it's all about, but all this progress that I just summed up.. is this down to the supplements or his medication? or a combination? or is it just me taking it easy that is making me feel this way? I wanted to know, exactly what the acupuncture will do to my body and more importantly HOW and WHAT benefits will I FEEL from it? It all seemed a little vague, so he was more than pleased to shed a little light on it for me..
A brief lesson in acupuncture..(for those who aren't that interested..skip this paragraph, this is more for me, just process the info he gave me.. very boring)..
Apparently, Our health depends on the body's energy (Qi) moving in a smooth and balanced way through a series of channels beneath the skin that connect the interior and exterior of the body, and the internal systems to each other. This energy can be disturbed once someone becomes ill. Acupuncture aims to bring all systems into balance when the needles are inserted into certain channels. It depends on the health issues as to where to needles are punctured.
The treatment (takes around 30 minutes to 45 minutes) as well as the Chinese medicine I'm taking are a combination of alternative treatment. They are both aimed at strengthening my spleen (which is a common symptom when having anorexia). Your spleen can be found in your stomach somewhere..(not too sure where exactly) and it's responsible for the creation of the Qi that is required to keep energy levels up, along with blood and holding your internal organs in place. When the Spleen is weakened caused by malnutrition, all of these processes will get "out of whack" and effects other organs in the meantime.
This results in lack of energy and appetite, bloating of stomach, stinging, constipation, disrupted digestive system and it also causes the period to stop.
I mentally can tick all the boxes again..
Once the treatment starts to work, I should start feeling hungry again (that is slowly starting to happen), I will then eat more, which will stimulate my digestive system, which will in turn increase my appetite and I will be taking in more nutrition which will stimulate the amount of blood I produce which in turn will give me more energy. Once I start to feel more energized I will want and need more energy and keep on needing and wanting more nutrition to keep the process going... It's all linked together.. Everything will start to balance out again and therefore It will slowly make me feel better and better. The better I feel the more I will benefit from the treatments..
Very technical.. but so interesting. How unique is the human body.. I'm amazed..
I was so excited, when I was sitting there.. I could see the buzz in his eyes when he was telling me how I was going to feel once I start to feel more energized..I was just getting all this energy by the way he was talking about it all.. I was like "Right, can I order one of those thank you!".. But of course, it's a slow process.
After a brief discussion about how I'm feeling about wanting to get better and the realization of everything, he said that we're on the right track, slowly but surely, taking "baby-steps".. But it's positive.
He initially wanted to treat me 2 times a week, but he reckons my body is still too weak, so for now, I'll be having 1 session a week, until I'm physically stronger.
Then the treatment itself took place, but it wasn't as relaxing as the first appointment. He used more needles.. and they hurt man! I felt numb, and when I closed my eyes I was floating but with only one half of my body.. weird.. The longer the needles were stuck in, the more numbness I was feeling, and kind of sickly as well, and sore.. But I tried not to think about that.. In head I was on beach in Thailand.. which was pretty relaxing...
Anyway, this acupuncture is so interesting, and I can't wait till I start feeling all this energy that he was talking about.. Pity it's not instant..
I don't know if you can remember my blog that I posted on the first appointment I had for acupuncture. This was 3 weeks ago (and it feels like a lifetime..but that's besides the point). Well, today was the second appointment.
The last time, it started out not so well, but ended pretty ok. Today I wasn't sure what to expect. I was feeling more "on this planet" than I was the last time I went, so this was bound to work to my advantage. The first time, he needed to asses me to get an overall picture of my state of well-being. He needed a detailed understanding of my lifestyle, diet, work, medical history and emotional state. This is all to establish the specific treatment and the frequency that is required. We dealt with this last time, so we wouldn't have to go into any details this time round.. thank god.
Before the actual treatment itself, we had a short chat to see if and how my physical and mental state have improved since my last visit.
So just to fill you in: He wanted to know how I was adjusting to the Chinese medicine I have been taking, if my appetite has increased and if I have been eating more. Have I been acting on my hunger pains? I said I was.. But he suggested (out of nowhere) that I should eat an extra slice of bread of day.. O god.. panic..(I wanted to shout at him that I haven't started eating bread on daily basis yet!!! What are you playing at.. How dare you!!", but of course I didn't). The thing is, I've got my whole schedule with Diann, and now he's coming along and muddling it all up by wanting me to eat even more.. "This wasn't the deal dude.. Mr. Acupuncturist!!!".. He could see the panic on my face. So now he suggested a half a piece of toast... Humm... I'm not too sure.. I lied, and said I would, but I'm not 100% convinced just yet..
He wanted to know how my digestive system is at the moment, well to be pretty frank.. up until a few days ago, I wasn't sure I had one.. I reckon it just went on strike.. And the burning, aching and stinging sensations in my stomach were still there, with an enormous amount of bloating.
He wanted to know how my energy levels were.. They have increased in the past 3 weeks, definitely, but I'm not too sure if that's down to the supplements or the Chinese medicine that he has me taking. I started them both 3 weeks ago. Maybe it's a combination of both. So hunger pains and energy levels rising.. I was responding to the treatment. It was going in the right direction. Concentration? This has also gotten better. My desire to get better and realizing how ill I am? Also increased.
I mentally ticked all the boxes..
This is all well and good, acupuncture and I sort of know what it's all about, but all this progress that I just summed up.. is this down to the supplements or his medication? or a combination? or is it just me taking it easy that is making me feel this way? I wanted to know, exactly what the acupuncture will do to my body and more importantly HOW and WHAT benefits will I FEEL from it? It all seemed a little vague, so he was more than pleased to shed a little light on it for me..
A brief lesson in acupuncture..(for those who aren't that interested..skip this paragraph, this is more for me, just process the info he gave me.. very boring)..
Apparently, Our health depends on the body's energy (Qi) moving in a smooth and balanced way through a series of channels beneath the skin that connect the interior and exterior of the body, and the internal systems to each other. This energy can be disturbed once someone becomes ill. Acupuncture aims to bring all systems into balance when the needles are inserted into certain channels. It depends on the health issues as to where to needles are punctured.
The treatment (takes around 30 minutes to 45 minutes) as well as the Chinese medicine I'm taking are a combination of alternative treatment. They are both aimed at strengthening my spleen (which is a common symptom when having anorexia). Your spleen can be found in your stomach somewhere..(not too sure where exactly) and it's responsible for the creation of the Qi that is required to keep energy levels up, along with blood and holding your internal organs in place. When the Spleen is weakened caused by malnutrition, all of these processes will get "out of whack" and effects other organs in the meantime.
This results in lack of energy and appetite, bloating of stomach, stinging, constipation, disrupted digestive system and it also causes the period to stop.
I mentally can tick all the boxes again..
Once the treatment starts to work, I should start feeling hungry again (that is slowly starting to happen), I will then eat more, which will stimulate my digestive system, which will in turn increase my appetite and I will be taking in more nutrition which will stimulate the amount of blood I produce which in turn will give me more energy. Once I start to feel more energized I will want and need more energy and keep on needing and wanting more nutrition to keep the process going... It's all linked together.. Everything will start to balance out again and therefore It will slowly make me feel better and better. The better I feel the more I will benefit from the treatments..
Very technical.. but so interesting. How unique is the human body.. I'm amazed..
I was so excited, when I was sitting there.. I could see the buzz in his eyes when he was telling me how I was going to feel once I start to feel more energized..I was just getting all this energy by the way he was talking about it all.. I was like "Right, can I order one of those thank you!".. But of course, it's a slow process.
After a brief discussion about how I'm feeling about wanting to get better and the realization of everything, he said that we're on the right track, slowly but surely, taking "baby-steps".. But it's positive.
He initially wanted to treat me 2 times a week, but he reckons my body is still too weak, so for now, I'll be having 1 session a week, until I'm physically stronger.
Then the treatment itself took place, but it wasn't as relaxing as the first appointment. He used more needles.. and they hurt man! I felt numb, and when I closed my eyes I was floating but with only one half of my body.. weird.. The longer the needles were stuck in, the more numbness I was feeling, and kind of sickly as well, and sore.. But I tried not to think about that.. In head I was on beach in Thailand.. which was pretty relaxing...
Anyway, this acupuncture is so interesting, and I can't wait till I start feeling all this energy that he was talking about.. Pity it's not instant..
Supplements aren't Substitutes
Wise words have once again been sent my way..
"Supplement".. it's means "extra".. not a "replacement" of meals, or else they would have been called "substitute" I suppose.. (Very good Mark.. top marks for that one!). It would be easy for me to want to say now: "I can live on the supplements". But that's not possible. It would be the easy way out. I wouldn't be dealing with the problem that I have.
They are helping me to get better, at the moment, for now.. But not forever.. I have to keep that in mind.. They are important NOW.. But not forever..
So far, I feel like I've been good, so then I find myself thinking, Ok, haven't I done enough now? Now I can stop and get back to normal living again.. It's all good...
But then I rethink it, and I know that I do have to keep on going.. But I ask myself, on days like today.. "Will the battle ever stop?", "How long can I keep on going?" Surely I'm going to get to the stage when I think.. "f*ck it, I'm feeling fine now, can I not just stop this constant struggle and get on with my life?"
But those are just thoughts that last a few minutes, because I know that it won't be like this forever. My life won't always feel like it revolves around food. But right now, it does. But it has to. It's what i need to do and in order for me to have a normal relationship with food. I need to rebuild the relationship. I need to change my beliefs that I have towards food.
Just because I had a few good days, doesn't mean that I'm cured.
Just because I'm taking my supplements doesn't mean I'm cured.
Just because my mind is clearer and I can think properly, doesn't mean I'm cured. Just because I'm feeling hunger pains again, doesn't mean I'm cured.
Just because I'm feeling full all the time, doesn't mean I'm cured.
Just because I'm eating constantly, doesn't mean I'm cured.
To live a normal life, you have to be able to see that there is so much more than the consumption of food. Some people say "love makes the world go round", or "money makes the world go round". I say "food makes the world go round". It probably sounds ridiculous, and I hope my attitude and beliefs towards all this eating will change, because not until then, can I start living properly again and be able to say "I'm cured"..
"Supplement".. it's means "extra".. not a "replacement" of meals, or else they would have been called "substitute" I suppose.. (Very good Mark.. top marks for that one!). It would be easy for me to want to say now: "I can live on the supplements". But that's not possible. It would be the easy way out. I wouldn't be dealing with the problem that I have.
They are helping me to get better, at the moment, for now.. But not forever.. I have to keep that in mind.. They are important NOW.. But not forever..
So far, I feel like I've been good, so then I find myself thinking, Ok, haven't I done enough now? Now I can stop and get back to normal living again.. It's all good...
But then I rethink it, and I know that I do have to keep on going.. But I ask myself, on days like today.. "Will the battle ever stop?", "How long can I keep on going?" Surely I'm going to get to the stage when I think.. "f*ck it, I'm feeling fine now, can I not just stop this constant struggle and get on with my life?"
But those are just thoughts that last a few minutes, because I know that it won't be like this forever. My life won't always feel like it revolves around food. But right now, it does. But it has to. It's what i need to do and in order for me to have a normal relationship with food. I need to rebuild the relationship. I need to change my beliefs that I have towards food.
Just because I had a few good days, doesn't mean that I'm cured.
Just because I'm taking my supplements doesn't mean I'm cured.
Just because my mind is clearer and I can think properly, doesn't mean I'm cured. Just because I'm feeling hunger pains again, doesn't mean I'm cured.
Just because I'm feeling full all the time, doesn't mean I'm cured.
Just because I'm eating constantly, doesn't mean I'm cured.
To live a normal life, you have to be able to see that there is so much more than the consumption of food. Some people say "love makes the world go round", or "money makes the world go round". I say "food makes the world go round". It probably sounds ridiculous, and I hope my attitude and beliefs towards all this eating will change, because not until then, can I start living properly again and be able to say "I'm cured"..
Tuesday Morning 19-08-08
Another day, another one to get through.
And I'm tired, I'm wrecked.
My head is wrecked and I'm feeling down.
I'm feeling drained and low.
My mood is low and I'm giving in to it.
It's a long day ahead of me.
It's only 10:42am.
Can I not just end it already?
Start over again, tomorrow.
Start it over in a better mood.
I don't have the energy to turn my mood around.
Usually that's exactly what I would do.
On a regular day I would be able.
I know saying to myself:"I feel like shit",
Will make me feel like shit.
So I am and therefore making myself worse.
But I don't really care.
Because it's Anna.
She says I'm not supposed to feel good.
I have to switch off to Anna.
Ignore her or else she'll get her way.
Or else she'll win today.
She putting me in a bad mood right now.
But nothing more than that.
In order to eat, I've switched her off.
Today I have to add my "extra".
It's another spoonful of muesli.
It was a lot I must admit.
It took me forever to eat.
But I ate it and didn't analyze it.
I was so into my book, in another world.
So I didn't think.
Just forced myself to reach for the spoon.
And feed myself like I'm feeding a baby.
Chewing, chewing, chewing.
Feeling full, but ignoring it.
Wanting to throw half of in the bin.
But ignoring it and just stuffing my face.
1,5 hours later, mission finally accomplished.
An empty bowl.
This afternoon I have acupuncture.
It's been 3 weeks since the last appointment.
I'm not really dreading it.
It might lift my mood.
But Anna won't let me be in good mood.
She doesn't want the world to think I'm getting better.
She won't allow it.
She wants me to feel bad.
And, yes, I'm letting her.
All I have to focus on is eating.
And just let my mood be whatever it wants to be.
And I'm tired, I'm wrecked.
My head is wrecked and I'm feeling down.
I'm feeling drained and low.
My mood is low and I'm giving in to it.
It's a long day ahead of me.
It's only 10:42am.
Can I not just end it already?
Start over again, tomorrow.
Start it over in a better mood.
I don't have the energy to turn my mood around.
Usually that's exactly what I would do.
On a regular day I would be able.
I know saying to myself:"I feel like shit",
Will make me feel like shit.
So I am and therefore making myself worse.
But I don't really care.
Because it's Anna.
She says I'm not supposed to feel good.
I have to switch off to Anna.
Ignore her or else she'll get her way.
Or else she'll win today.
She putting me in a bad mood right now.
But nothing more than that.
In order to eat, I've switched her off.
Today I have to add my "extra".
It's another spoonful of muesli.
It was a lot I must admit.
It took me forever to eat.
But I ate it and didn't analyze it.
I was so into my book, in another world.
So I didn't think.
Just forced myself to reach for the spoon.
And feed myself like I'm feeding a baby.
Chewing, chewing, chewing.
Feeling full, but ignoring it.
Wanting to throw half of in the bin.
But ignoring it and just stuffing my face.
1,5 hours later, mission finally accomplished.
An empty bowl.
This afternoon I have acupuncture.
It's been 3 weeks since the last appointment.
I'm not really dreading it.
It might lift my mood.
But Anna won't let me be in good mood.
She doesn't want the world to think I'm getting better.
She won't allow it.
She wants me to feel bad.
And, yes, I'm letting her.
All I have to focus on is eating.
And just let my mood be whatever it wants to be.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Just another "Manic" Monday
Monday afternoon.
I went for a lie down.. And it felt so wrong. It felt awful. It was the middle of the afternoon, I knew I needed it, but I didn't want it. I knew everyone was pleased and I wasn't.
Anna and Fay were battling so severely. I could even visualize the scene of the crime .. Fay trying to stand strong.. giving it her all, but Anna being to big with huge muscles wasn't going to be beaten by such a good hearted little creature.. Fay needed supplements to keep on fighting.. she didn't give up and it ended up being a draw..
I needed to switch off the battle though, how entertaining it all was... I needed to let go of the thoughts. More visualizing.. I could just see and feel the supplements, fruit and yogurt that I had eaten today turning into fat, as I lay there reading on the bed.. Disgustingly gross.
Anna really didn't want me to lie down. She wanted me doing something, even if it was something that was keeping my mind busy. Anything to burn calories.. I couldn't bare it for much longer.. An hour is all I could do. I felt lazy, I felt like I didn't need to be taking a lie down in the middle of the day..
All I kept saying to myself was "What am I, 80?" With all this going on in my head, how the hell can I rest? It's stressful and frustrating! Doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose of "taking a rest"..
It isn't relaxing in any way, shape or form. It's frustrating, tiring and really not worthwhile.
How can people who aren't even sick, have a lazy day? How can they stay in bed until 5 in the afternoon and then sit and on the sofa the rest of the night watching telly and go to bed again at 6 hours later? How can a person not feel guilty, worthless and useless after doing this, sick or not sick?
I cannot figure this out. Here I am, people telling me I need to lie in bed, I need rest, rest and more rest. And after 1 hour (even though I got up this morning at 7.30, just like every morning) I'm restless, feel guilty and need to do things and be "productive" straight away.
Why can I not just switch off these feelings and enjoy an hour of bed rest? I reckon most people would give anything for an afternoon in bed. You are now thinking I'm insane.. and you are probably right (well, it's Anna that's insane, Fay would really enjoy a rest, I do have the most comfy bed in the world.. but still, that's besides the point)..
So I beat myself up when I'm in bed during the day and I'm beating myself up because I don't.. It's a loose-loose situation.. How annoying.. (Anna does let me sleep at night by the way, thank god, but not before 12.30pm and rise and shine at 07.30am. You know the way people are either early birds or night owls? I always convinced myself that I am both! that way, sleep is never really needed, well 5 to 6 hours at the most).
Hopefully I will soon adjust or get my "act together", and be a proper "bum" and just sleep and eat all day which would be the quickest way to recovery.. O well..
Never say Never..
I went for a lie down.. And it felt so wrong. It felt awful. It was the middle of the afternoon, I knew I needed it, but I didn't want it. I knew everyone was pleased and I wasn't.
Anna and Fay were battling so severely. I could even visualize the scene of the crime .. Fay trying to stand strong.. giving it her all, but Anna being to big with huge muscles wasn't going to be beaten by such a good hearted little creature.. Fay needed supplements to keep on fighting.. she didn't give up and it ended up being a draw..
I needed to switch off the battle though, how entertaining it all was... I needed to let go of the thoughts. More visualizing.. I could just see and feel the supplements, fruit and yogurt that I had eaten today turning into fat, as I lay there reading on the bed.. Disgustingly gross.
Anna really didn't want me to lie down. She wanted me doing something, even if it was something that was keeping my mind busy. Anything to burn calories.. I couldn't bare it for much longer.. An hour is all I could do. I felt lazy, I felt like I didn't need to be taking a lie down in the middle of the day..
All I kept saying to myself was "What am I, 80?" With all this going on in my head, how the hell can I rest? It's stressful and frustrating! Doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose of "taking a rest"..
It isn't relaxing in any way, shape or form. It's frustrating, tiring and really not worthwhile.
How can people who aren't even sick, have a lazy day? How can they stay in bed until 5 in the afternoon and then sit and on the sofa the rest of the night watching telly and go to bed again at 6 hours later? How can a person not feel guilty, worthless and useless after doing this, sick or not sick?
I cannot figure this out. Here I am, people telling me I need to lie in bed, I need rest, rest and more rest. And after 1 hour (even though I got up this morning at 7.30, just like every morning) I'm restless, feel guilty and need to do things and be "productive" straight away.
Why can I not just switch off these feelings and enjoy an hour of bed rest? I reckon most people would give anything for an afternoon in bed. You are now thinking I'm insane.. and you are probably right (well, it's Anna that's insane, Fay would really enjoy a rest, I do have the most comfy bed in the world.. but still, that's besides the point)..
So I beat myself up when I'm in bed during the day and I'm beating myself up because I don't.. It's a loose-loose situation.. How annoying.. (Anna does let me sleep at night by the way, thank god, but not before 12.30pm and rise and shine at 07.30am. You know the way people are either early birds or night owls? I always convinced myself that I am both! that way, sleep is never really needed, well 5 to 6 hours at the most).
Hopefully I will soon adjust or get my "act together", and be a proper "bum" and just sleep and eat all day which would be the quickest way to recovery.. O well..
Never say Never..
It's all Pretend
Faking it.. and Pretending..
Resting and sitting down
Doing nothing and listening to my body
In order to do this
I need to be so strong
But it's not always easy
It can be the hardest thing
It can be so unnatural
It can be so punishing
In order to do this
I sometimes must pretend
Switch off Anna's nagging voice
Not listen to what she wants
Not listen to her beliefs
Not listen to her needs
But can I not just do what I like?
Because pretending is fake
I'm being a person that I'm not
If I had my way I'd walk
If I had my way I'd run
If I had my way I'd live
But I cannot do what I like!
Because Anna has put me here
And my body is not able
So I cannot walk
So I cannot run
So I cannot live
ADVICE: On bad days you must try to "Fake it" Niamh!
"Faking it" is not being real!
Or am I changing my beliefs?
I used to always believe in Anna..
Who now has made me ill
Who now is a bully
Who now is my nightmare
I'm not acting the way Anna wants
I'm pretending she isn't there
Switching her off in my head
This doesn't mean I'm dishonest
This doesn't mean I'm fake
This means I'm adjusting my beliefs
Resting and sitting down
Doing nothing and listening to my body
In order to do this
I need to be so strong
But it's not always easy
It can be the hardest thing
It can be so unnatural
It can be so punishing
In order to do this
I sometimes must pretend
Switch off Anna's nagging voice
Not listen to what she wants
Not listen to her beliefs
Not listen to her needs
But can I not just do what I like?
Because pretending is fake
I'm being a person that I'm not
If I had my way I'd walk
If I had my way I'd run
If I had my way I'd live
But I cannot do what I like!
Because Anna has put me here
And my body is not able
So I cannot walk
So I cannot run
So I cannot live
ADVICE: On bad days you must try to "Fake it" Niamh!
"Faking it" is not being real!
Or am I changing my beliefs?
I used to always believe in Anna..
Who now has made me ill
Who now is a bully
Who now is my nightmare
I'm not acting the way Anna wants
I'm pretending she isn't there
Switching her off in my head
This doesn't mean I'm dishonest
This doesn't mean I'm fake
This means I'm adjusting my beliefs
Week 7, No Diann the week
Week 7..no appointment with Diann.
Diann is on holidays this week, unfortunately.
Last week, when I was with her, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make it through 2 full weeks without going to see her. I thought I would be on the verge of exploding.. (due to overconsumption of food and thoughts.. ;)..
But, it's ok. It's fine.
I've had a better week than I can remember, so it's not as unbearable and I'll be able to wait until next Monday to see her. I can do it, no probs.. I reckon.
It's been a strange day so far. Not too sure what's going on. I've been having more hunger pains which is strange, even after I just had my supplement.. Never experienced that before, even though my stomach does still sting and I still am constantly bloated and full.. Which seems weird.. Feeling hungry and full at the same time.. confusing.. my poor brain, it's still a bit "out of whack" I think.
In the mornings I still feel sick and full. I still struggle trying to eat my yogurt because I'm so full. Then the supplement. Sometimes my stomach hurts afterwards, sometimes it's ok. The one I take at night causes me the worst discomfort. It's getting less which is good for Fay or makes me feel so on my good days and shit on my bad day.. I'm obviously adapting to it all. Another strange strange thing.. once I've finished the supplements, I want more..
Listen...
I think everybody knows the feeling that once you start to eat something and you're really enjoying it, and you just can't stop.. For instance, "Pringles.. Once you pop you can't stop". You know you've had enough and you're full but you cannot stop yourself from eating. Well, I would usually have the same feeling whenever I eat muesli. But now, I'm having it with the supplements.. I'm raging when my glass is empty. My head is telling me I want more.. and if somebody put another one in front of me, I would be able to drink it.. It's so strange..
So I don't really know in what way my body is now adapting to all the extra nutrition that it's all of sudden getting. It might be a natural response. I'm not too sure, but next week Diann will have to shed some light on that issue.
Dinners are a disaster though, in my head. I try to disguise it, but the panic I feel is still so powerful. I don't look forward to dinners anymore, I don't count down the hours, like I used to before I started the supplements. Dinnertime comes around too fast, and I would love to skip it. I'm never hungry and Anna is always there wanting me to have a bowl of muesli. But Fay is there telling me I need my carbs and protein.. I never want it and I start to panic at the thoughts of having a full plate.
This is so frustrating, because dinnertime never used to be that big an issue.. on good days. But now, it doesn't matter if it's a good or a bad day, I just don't want it..
After getting some great advice from a special person through another special person, I'm trying to "train" myself to switch off and just ignore Anna when she's there. "Faking it". If I'm not beating her, I can pretend that I am.. Well "can" seems like it's easily done, but it's not. I can give it my best shot to ignore her.. But what if the chicken that I have to eat, just seems repulsive to me? And even though I love chicken to bits, I have already convinced myself, without even being aware, that it's gross, that I cannot stomach it and that I don't NEED it. At the same time, I know that once I start eating it, I won't be able to stop. Is that why I just don't want to go near it? Maybe. I'm not too sure, but I hate dinnertime so so much..
I hate the guilty feeling that I have once I DO finish that plate.. It makes me feel so so bad. Nobody can ever understand what that feeling is like. All I can think about, is what I'm putting my poor body through, while it's trying it's best to digest an enormous and gross amount of food..I even try to capture a picture of it in my mind.. What exactly is happening now on the inside? And when my stomach gets so sore and I'm feeling sick, the guilt is even stronger.. I just cannot get away from it, there is not escaping it..
It seems such a shame. I'd love to be able to look forward to dinnertime, I used to always love it. Great, you know, ma's great cooking, eat as much I want. Have a yogurt for dessert afterwards or if Ma made some of her apple pie, have some of that.. gorgeous..
It seems a waste, it seems a pity, it seems like I'm missing out..
Or am I not? Who wants to stuff their faces till they are so full they can't walk? Right now, the thoughts of that just makes me feel sick to my stomach.. so gross.
O god, I can, right now, feel a panic arising.. I will not be able to eat a normal dinner ever again.. It's just disgusting..Can I not just live on the supplements forever? They will see me through and I like them.. Can I? Please? Then I can just get on with my life and I won't have to face dinnertime again, and I won't need to stress about it or feel ill and sick to my stomach after eating it.. I won't have to think about food anymore.. The would be nice... If only...
Diann is on holidays this week, unfortunately.
Last week, when I was with her, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make it through 2 full weeks without going to see her. I thought I would be on the verge of exploding.. (due to overconsumption of food and thoughts.. ;)..
But, it's ok. It's fine.
I've had a better week than I can remember, so it's not as unbearable and I'll be able to wait until next Monday to see her. I can do it, no probs.. I reckon.
It's been a strange day so far. Not too sure what's going on. I've been having more hunger pains which is strange, even after I just had my supplement.. Never experienced that before, even though my stomach does still sting and I still am constantly bloated and full.. Which seems weird.. Feeling hungry and full at the same time.. confusing.. my poor brain, it's still a bit "out of whack" I think.
In the mornings I still feel sick and full. I still struggle trying to eat my yogurt because I'm so full. Then the supplement. Sometimes my stomach hurts afterwards, sometimes it's ok. The one I take at night causes me the worst discomfort. It's getting less which is good for Fay or makes me feel so on my good days and shit on my bad day.. I'm obviously adapting to it all. Another strange strange thing.. once I've finished the supplements, I want more..
Listen...
I think everybody knows the feeling that once you start to eat something and you're really enjoying it, and you just can't stop.. For instance, "Pringles.. Once you pop you can't stop". You know you've had enough and you're full but you cannot stop yourself from eating. Well, I would usually have the same feeling whenever I eat muesli. But now, I'm having it with the supplements.. I'm raging when my glass is empty. My head is telling me I want more.. and if somebody put another one in front of me, I would be able to drink it.. It's so strange..
So I don't really know in what way my body is now adapting to all the extra nutrition that it's all of sudden getting. It might be a natural response. I'm not too sure, but next week Diann will have to shed some light on that issue.
Dinners are a disaster though, in my head. I try to disguise it, but the panic I feel is still so powerful. I don't look forward to dinners anymore, I don't count down the hours, like I used to before I started the supplements. Dinnertime comes around too fast, and I would love to skip it. I'm never hungry and Anna is always there wanting me to have a bowl of muesli. But Fay is there telling me I need my carbs and protein.. I never want it and I start to panic at the thoughts of having a full plate.
This is so frustrating, because dinnertime never used to be that big an issue.. on good days. But now, it doesn't matter if it's a good or a bad day, I just don't want it..
After getting some great advice from a special person through another special person, I'm trying to "train" myself to switch off and just ignore Anna when she's there. "Faking it". If I'm not beating her, I can pretend that I am.. Well "can" seems like it's easily done, but it's not. I can give it my best shot to ignore her.. But what if the chicken that I have to eat, just seems repulsive to me? And even though I love chicken to bits, I have already convinced myself, without even being aware, that it's gross, that I cannot stomach it and that I don't NEED it. At the same time, I know that once I start eating it, I won't be able to stop. Is that why I just don't want to go near it? Maybe. I'm not too sure, but I hate dinnertime so so much..
I hate the guilty feeling that I have once I DO finish that plate.. It makes me feel so so bad. Nobody can ever understand what that feeling is like. All I can think about, is what I'm putting my poor body through, while it's trying it's best to digest an enormous and gross amount of food..I even try to capture a picture of it in my mind.. What exactly is happening now on the inside? And when my stomach gets so sore and I'm feeling sick, the guilt is even stronger.. I just cannot get away from it, there is not escaping it..
It seems such a shame. I'd love to be able to look forward to dinnertime, I used to always love it. Great, you know, ma's great cooking, eat as much I want. Have a yogurt for dessert afterwards or if Ma made some of her apple pie, have some of that.. gorgeous..
It seems a waste, it seems a pity, it seems like I'm missing out..
Or am I not? Who wants to stuff their faces till they are so full they can't walk? Right now, the thoughts of that just makes me feel sick to my stomach.. so gross.
O god, I can, right now, feel a panic arising.. I will not be able to eat a normal dinner ever again.. It's just disgusting..Can I not just live on the supplements forever? They will see me through and I like them.. Can I? Please? Then I can just get on with my life and I won't have to face dinnertime again, and I won't need to stress about it or feel ill and sick to my stomach after eating it.. I won't have to think about food anymore.. The would be nice... If only...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
My mam...
My mother, My star.
My mam, always worrying, always trying to please me, always testing the water if I'm up or down, always dealing with the sh*t I'm putting her through.
I cannot imagine what it's like for a mother to deal with one of their children going through this and I probably won't.. not until I'm a mother myself (not happening anytime soon). I try to think about her, and what she's going through, but I cannot seem to understand. Probably because 50% of the time I tell myself that I'm fine and there's nothing wrong.
If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here, in Ireland, dealing with this illness, with so much help and support from family and friends.. I would still be in Holland, and would be worse off than I was at the beginning of June. I cannot and don't want to imagine what my life would have been like right now, or what road I would be heading down, if she hadn't dragged me to see the doctor Siobhan on the 9th of June. I'm just so grateful to her, for being so determined.. and for pushing me.. I know a mother's love in unconditional.. But still. I always feel guilty whenever I think of the things she's doing for me, and that her life has been turned upside down, just because of me. Her life has been put on hold, and this has taken over.. I shouldn't feel guilty or feel like a burden, but that's just me. I can't help it.
I put her through hell.. The poor thing, it must be like she's living in a house with 3 teenagers again (between me, eileen and sean.. 3 moody little sods we are..).. and she just puts up with it, and still wants to please everyone.
I also know whenever mam's happy about my progress and wants to praise me because she's proud but then says the wrong thing, thinking that I can deal with it at that moment in time.. But I can't, so I "take the face of her" and then we both feel bad.
I don't do it intentionally, but I STILL don't want any compliments.. I hate them and no matter how good I'm feeling, they instantly make me feel bad.. I'm not too sure of the reason just yet..
It must be hard, being scared to say the wrong thing all the time.. I don't know how long it will be before I'm able to react normal to things that are only meant to motivate and support me.. At the moment, I still don't think I'm worthy of feeling that I'm doing well and that I'm progressing.. And I'm scared that when I do hear how well I'm doing, that it will wake up Anna, if she's asleep at that present time..
It's hard. I wish I could react normally to them, but not just now.. It's too soon.
I hope my moodiness and being in my company will get more bearable as time progresses, I hope that I become the tolerant person soon, I hope that I'll get back to being bearable to live with again soon.. because I can't imagine how hard it is for Ma, Eileen and Sean.. I can only apologize and hope to be able to make it up to you some day soon, by being a pleasure to be around..
Love you lots and lots.xxxxx
My mam, always worrying, always trying to please me, always testing the water if I'm up or down, always dealing with the sh*t I'm putting her through.
I cannot imagine what it's like for a mother to deal with one of their children going through this and I probably won't.. not until I'm a mother myself (not happening anytime soon). I try to think about her, and what she's going through, but I cannot seem to understand. Probably because 50% of the time I tell myself that I'm fine and there's nothing wrong.
If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here, in Ireland, dealing with this illness, with so much help and support from family and friends.. I would still be in Holland, and would be worse off than I was at the beginning of June. I cannot and don't want to imagine what my life would have been like right now, or what road I would be heading down, if she hadn't dragged me to see the doctor Siobhan on the 9th of June. I'm just so grateful to her, for being so determined.. and for pushing me.. I know a mother's love in unconditional.. But still. I always feel guilty whenever I think of the things she's doing for me, and that her life has been turned upside down, just because of me. Her life has been put on hold, and this has taken over.. I shouldn't feel guilty or feel like a burden, but that's just me. I can't help it.
I put her through hell.. The poor thing, it must be like she's living in a house with 3 teenagers again (between me, eileen and sean.. 3 moody little sods we are..).. and she just puts up with it, and still wants to please everyone.
I also know whenever mam's happy about my progress and wants to praise me because she's proud but then says the wrong thing, thinking that I can deal with it at that moment in time.. But I can't, so I "take the face of her" and then we both feel bad.
I don't do it intentionally, but I STILL don't want any compliments.. I hate them and no matter how good I'm feeling, they instantly make me feel bad.. I'm not too sure of the reason just yet..
It must be hard, being scared to say the wrong thing all the time.. I don't know how long it will be before I'm able to react normal to things that are only meant to motivate and support me.. At the moment, I still don't think I'm worthy of feeling that I'm doing well and that I'm progressing.. And I'm scared that when I do hear how well I'm doing, that it will wake up Anna, if she's asleep at that present time..
It's hard. I wish I could react normally to them, but not just now.. It's too soon.
I hope my moodiness and being in my company will get more bearable as time progresses, I hope that I become the tolerant person soon, I hope that I'll get back to being bearable to live with again soon.. because I can't imagine how hard it is for Ma, Eileen and Sean.. I can only apologize and hope to be able to make it up to you some day soon, by being a pleasure to be around..
Love you lots and lots.xxxxx
Wendy and Janneke came to visit
It's Sunday afternoon. I've had a hectic week and a half. This morning my 2 friends (Wendy and Janneke) from Holland left, after they were here for 2 days (well actually one full day as we picked them up from the airport on Friday evening).
It was great to see them and it was something that I really needed even though I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up the pace. They understood fully that I wasn't able to do that much as we usually would do. I did my best, gave it all my energy because I knew that it was only 1 day, and I'm not sure when I'll be seeing them again. So I wanted to make the most of it and I did.
It's so strange though, because I realized just how much effort it can take to function properly the whole day when you're around people and in the outside world, at the same time. It seemed so hard to just be the way I usually am when around friends..
Chatting, laughing, talking about nothing in general or real tricky... walking and talking at the same time. The hardest thing of all was taking in the hustle and bustle and dealing with the stress of the "outside world" as well as chatting and being sociable. It seems so surreal or alien even that, whenever being outside in the shopping center for instance, everyone around me is able to walk (at "high speed), laugh and shop, all at the same time. Lately, whenever I'm out shopping, I wouldn't speak a lot, I wouldn't be able to because it would make me too dizzy. I would already have enough to deal with with all the people around me. I never realized until yesterday. I cannot imagine that I used to go shopping with a group of girls... laughing, talking sh*t, trying on clothes, eating, walking, being on a mission to buy as much as poss and spend as little as poss, and having a fun and not thinking twice about it..
So so strange...
Everybody can deal with stress of daily life, everything we do brings a certain level of stress along with it, even if it's just walking to the shop. In order to deal with all this (and basically just live a normal life because that is exactly what life is about)the human body needs food and nutrition constantly..
So, back to yesterday, in the shopping center. We sat in the cafe, me having my supplement and Wendy and Janneke were having a smoothie, the lucky ducks (haha), and I found myself looking at all these teenage girls, in little groups of 4 and 5 all just walking around, laughing, gossiping, wanting the latest fashion, all looking healthy with behinds and chests 2 and 3 times bigger than mine, and I was wondering how the hell do they keep their body's ticking over, it's all working so well for them.. They don't seem to have any problems maintaining a healthy body.
How? Why? To keep up with life you constantly have to be eating. You constantly have to feed yourself and burn calories. To laugh at a joke, to tell a funny story, to cry, to feel normal daily feelings that we all through.. For everybody's heart to keep on beating a person constantly must eat.. The day revolves around a persons stomach.. It all revolves around food but it doesn't seem that way to them. They aren't eating constantly, they have probably been walking for hours and haven't been filling their mouths constantly.. So why do I feel that that is what it's all about? Why do I seem to think that everyone always needs to be eating constantly, just to do things? Is it because I DO need to constantly be eating to do ANYTHING AS SMALL AS WALKING TO THE SHOP? Is it because I'm "grown" to next to nothing? How can somebody run up the stairs if they haven't just had something to eat? How come I can't do that?
I sat there and I was just amazed the way everybody was full of energy, having a great time (or not, I don't know of course, but it seemed that way to me) without eating at the same time. Where and when did they get their energy? How many hours have they not eaten for? What have they eaten today?
It's like my little sister for instance. She doesn't seem to eat anything.. Every dinnertime she says "I'm not that hungry so I don't really care what we have for dinner".. I seem to eat more than she does, but she runs everywhere, always with a certain level of stress, she goes and goes and goes.. How? She hasn't hardly eaten today.. She would probably only have a bowl of cereal, a sandwich and a normal portion for dinner (if she would have dinner).. ( of course I don't know what she eats whenever she's out of the house, but still..). I just cannot seem to figure it out. Maybe I'm just being plain stupid now, and you are all probably thinking that I don't know how the human body functions.. It may seem that way. Of course I know, but I still constantly ask myself these questions..
Well, after this weekend, I have learned a lot about the human body.. and by the time I'm better, I'll probably know just as much as any sportsman, doctor, nutritionist and dietician.. I now know, or I'm learning and realizing, what it feels like and what happens to the human body when it's been underfed for a certain amount of time. I can feel the consequences and the "pain" the human body must go through whilst trying to rebuild strength and tissue. Now and then I feel and am aware of what happens to the brain when it has been underfed for a longer period of time.
To be able to go through life, your body CONSTANTLY needs food.. This is something I need to get my head around.. (god, you would think that I've never known this, and that I have been living on air for the past 25 years.. but that's not the case, my mother did feed me when I was growing up.. ;).
Maybe I'm starting to readjust my ways of thinking. I always led myself to believe that.."If I'm not doing anything.. I don't need food".. "If I'm sitting down, I don't need to eat".. "Everything I put into my mouth, I need to burn by being active".. Maybe it's slowly turning around, and that's why I now observe every person that walks by.. I want to know what they have eaten, I want to take a look on the inside of their body.. I want to see how big their stomach is, I want to know how often they feel hungry and I want to check if they've got lots of fat cells and if so, I want to know how they can still be so active and energetic..
Is my way of thinking about food slowly changing? Maybe today it is.. maybe tomorrow it won't be... Time will tell..
Maybe being around Wendy and Janneke this weekend, just gave me a punch in the face.. Maybe it made me realize the way I used to be able to chat all day long and laugh and have fun constantly when we would be together, and now I couldn't. I wanted to, but couldn't, not constantly anyway without telling myself to calm down (speaking was the most tiring thing of all, I never knew that talking takes up so much energy..maybe that should be my new way to burn calories, my new exercise.. talking... would be fun I guess). It was frustrating at times as well, I wasn't able to be the person I usually am, even though I think "she" did come out a few times, only in short dosages though..
They left this morning, it was short but very very sweet and I'm so glad that they came over. I wanted them to take me in their hand luggage back to Holland.. (there probably would have been room for me, well at the moment anyhow, but not for long though, once I start piling on those kilo's). I want to be apart of normal life again and I don't want to shut off to the fact that there still is a normal life happening out there that I'm not apart of a the moment.. I want to join in with the fun of living again..
Kei veel bedankt voor jullie bezoek Wendy en Janneke, het was super!!!!! Ik hou van jullie!! xxxx
It was great to see them and it was something that I really needed even though I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up the pace. They understood fully that I wasn't able to do that much as we usually would do. I did my best, gave it all my energy because I knew that it was only 1 day, and I'm not sure when I'll be seeing them again. So I wanted to make the most of it and I did.
It's so strange though, because I realized just how much effort it can take to function properly the whole day when you're around people and in the outside world, at the same time. It seemed so hard to just be the way I usually am when around friends..
Chatting, laughing, talking about nothing in general or real tricky... walking and talking at the same time. The hardest thing of all was taking in the hustle and bustle and dealing with the stress of the "outside world" as well as chatting and being sociable. It seems so surreal or alien even that, whenever being outside in the shopping center for instance, everyone around me is able to walk (at "high speed), laugh and shop, all at the same time. Lately, whenever I'm out shopping, I wouldn't speak a lot, I wouldn't be able to because it would make me too dizzy. I would already have enough to deal with with all the people around me. I never realized until yesterday. I cannot imagine that I used to go shopping with a group of girls... laughing, talking sh*t, trying on clothes, eating, walking, being on a mission to buy as much as poss and spend as little as poss, and having a fun and not thinking twice about it..
So so strange...
Everybody can deal with stress of daily life, everything we do brings a certain level of stress along with it, even if it's just walking to the shop. In order to deal with all this (and basically just live a normal life because that is exactly what life is about)the human body needs food and nutrition constantly..
So, back to yesterday, in the shopping center. We sat in the cafe, me having my supplement and Wendy and Janneke were having a smoothie, the lucky ducks (haha), and I found myself looking at all these teenage girls, in little groups of 4 and 5 all just walking around, laughing, gossiping, wanting the latest fashion, all looking healthy with behinds and chests 2 and 3 times bigger than mine, and I was wondering how the hell do they keep their body's ticking over, it's all working so well for them.. They don't seem to have any problems maintaining a healthy body.
How? Why? To keep up with life you constantly have to be eating. You constantly have to feed yourself and burn calories. To laugh at a joke, to tell a funny story, to cry, to feel normal daily feelings that we all through.. For everybody's heart to keep on beating a person constantly must eat.. The day revolves around a persons stomach.. It all revolves around food but it doesn't seem that way to them. They aren't eating constantly, they have probably been walking for hours and haven't been filling their mouths constantly.. So why do I feel that that is what it's all about? Why do I seem to think that everyone always needs to be eating constantly, just to do things? Is it because I DO need to constantly be eating to do ANYTHING AS SMALL AS WALKING TO THE SHOP? Is it because I'm "grown" to next to nothing? How can somebody run up the stairs if they haven't just had something to eat? How come I can't do that?
I sat there and I was just amazed the way everybody was full of energy, having a great time (or not, I don't know of course, but it seemed that way to me) without eating at the same time. Where and when did they get their energy? How many hours have they not eaten for? What have they eaten today?
It's like my little sister for instance. She doesn't seem to eat anything.. Every dinnertime she says "I'm not that hungry so I don't really care what we have for dinner".. I seem to eat more than she does, but she runs everywhere, always with a certain level of stress, she goes and goes and goes.. How? She hasn't hardly eaten today.. She would probably only have a bowl of cereal, a sandwich and a normal portion for dinner (if she would have dinner).. ( of course I don't know what she eats whenever she's out of the house, but still..). I just cannot seem to figure it out. Maybe I'm just being plain stupid now, and you are all probably thinking that I don't know how the human body functions.. It may seem that way. Of course I know, but I still constantly ask myself these questions..
Well, after this weekend, I have learned a lot about the human body.. and by the time I'm better, I'll probably know just as much as any sportsman, doctor, nutritionist and dietician.. I now know, or I'm learning and realizing, what it feels like and what happens to the human body when it's been underfed for a certain amount of time. I can feel the consequences and the "pain" the human body must go through whilst trying to rebuild strength and tissue. Now and then I feel and am aware of what happens to the brain when it has been underfed for a longer period of time.
To be able to go through life, your body CONSTANTLY needs food.. This is something I need to get my head around.. (god, you would think that I've never known this, and that I have been living on air for the past 25 years.. but that's not the case, my mother did feed me when I was growing up.. ;).
Maybe I'm starting to readjust my ways of thinking. I always led myself to believe that.."If I'm not doing anything.. I don't need food".. "If I'm sitting down, I don't need to eat".. "Everything I put into my mouth, I need to burn by being active".. Maybe it's slowly turning around, and that's why I now observe every person that walks by.. I want to know what they have eaten, I want to take a look on the inside of their body.. I want to see how big their stomach is, I want to know how often they feel hungry and I want to check if they've got lots of fat cells and if so, I want to know how they can still be so active and energetic..
Is my way of thinking about food slowly changing? Maybe today it is.. maybe tomorrow it won't be... Time will tell..
Maybe being around Wendy and Janneke this weekend, just gave me a punch in the face.. Maybe it made me realize the way I used to be able to chat all day long and laugh and have fun constantly when we would be together, and now I couldn't. I wanted to, but couldn't, not constantly anyway without telling myself to calm down (speaking was the most tiring thing of all, I never knew that talking takes up so much energy..maybe that should be my new way to burn calories, my new exercise.. talking... would be fun I guess). It was frustrating at times as well, I wasn't able to be the person I usually am, even though I think "she" did come out a few times, only in short dosages though..
They left this morning, it was short but very very sweet and I'm so glad that they came over. I wanted them to take me in their hand luggage back to Holland.. (there probably would have been room for me, well at the moment anyhow, but not for long though, once I start piling on those kilo's). I want to be apart of normal life again and I don't want to shut off to the fact that there still is a normal life happening out there that I'm not apart of a the moment.. I want to join in with the fun of living again..
Kei veel bedankt voor jullie bezoek Wendy en Janneke, het was super!!!!! Ik hou van jullie!! xxxx
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