I need to give it all place. Or else I can't keep up. It can be too much good or bad things spooking around. I can't put it to rest until I have made some sense of it all. Or else it feels like a waste of time and energy.What am I talking about? The questions and answers or the clouds in the blue sky..
Practising what I preach..that would be something that I beat myself up over. I love telling people to slow down, to take a "chill pill" and to relax. Reminding people to look after themselves properly.. But I can't do it myself. Maybe it's hypocritical.. I don't know. But I would never listen to what I would tell others. I'd want THEM to do it, so THEY stay well and healthy..When it comes to me doing it, it a whole different "ball-game". It's not so easy and it feels unnatural. A person can think they know when it is they need to take a "chill pill".. They rely on their body to tell them when "enough is enough".. But how does that feel? How does a person know when their body is telling them this? Surely their body becomes immune to the feelings and after so long of living the busy lifestyle, they grow to think it's normal to feel like this... So therefore this person will maybe only realize to slow down, when it's too late.
I've a real good example..When I was working in Austria, in 2004, it was party party party.. Day and night. I would work from 8 in the morning, till 6 in the evening as a receptionist, 6 days a week. The first 3 weeks I was there, my body was adjusting to this new lifestyle because it changed dramatically. We would go out drinking heavily 5 or 6 nights a week. We would crawl back home at around 3 or 4 every morning, and I had to up at 7 o'clock, to start work at 8..I would need the whole day to recover, during work and by the time it was 6 in the evening, there were new plans to go out drinking again.. This was my routine and carried on for 4 months. During the first 3 weeks, I was adjusting. So I constantly felt sick, drained and tired. But once my body got used to this, 3 weeks later, I was as strong as an ox.. I never got the flu once the whole time I was there. I never overslept.. I was able to keep on going.
The point I'm trying to make is that when your body has adjusted to a certain feeling, you forget what it was like to feel normal, because your usual feeling of "normalilty" has been replaced with a different feeling of "normality". So therefore it feels natural and fine... So it's hard to know what signals a person should look for..It's hard to know when to slow down and when to change your lifestyle.. It takes courage to see that a certain lifestyle isn't working for you and to change it and it also doesn't happen over night..
This seems to be lot a babbling about nothing in general, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.. But I'm not too bothered.
There's something else that I can beat myself up over: Am I fooling myself, day in day out, by ignoring Anna as much as possible? Is this all this just a load of "gibberish" about nothing..Me thinking I'm doing well, when really there's nothing being done? Am I just pretending that all is well and good in my world which is setting myself up for a downfall? Or am I just looking for attention? But I don't want attention, that's something I would like to avoid as much as possible these days, so that can't be it either.. I pretend everyday that I want to eat in order to eat. I don't feel I need it, I'm never hungry, always full and doing nothing but sitting around, but still I apparently need it, so I just get on with it. I ignore guilty feelings whenever they pop up. Does this mean that I'm trying to be someone I'm not? By ignoring the guilt, I'm training myself. But training myself means that in a natural state of being, I have different behavior that rules my life and this is surely who I truly am..right? If I'm just a happy chappy, by nature, then surely I wouldn't feel awful every time I laugh or make a joke? By having to make such an effort at ignoring Anna shouting at me on days that I'm feeling fine, will this mean that I'll never be able to enjoy things in life again, without pretending, ignoring and training? Hummm...
I love to make jokes, I love to laugh. It's the best thing in the world. I always remember when I was working in London, working with a Scottish guy, Ivar. We had the exact same sense of humor. In the office the 2 of us were constantly tittering and giggling about absolutely everything (looking back, this would have been so annoying for the others in the office..oops..). I've never met anyone since who I can laugh that much with and everyday he used to be amazed and say.."Niamh, you laugh so much, you'll live till you're 150 years old.." My reaction: "Right back at ya, Ivar!". They say that laughing is healthy which is more than likely the reason why I feel so bad whenever I do laugh. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to laugh and enjoy the feeling it gives me without having to pretend I'm someone I'm not. But surely, if I'm just being myself, and I laugh or crack a joke, then that's my personality.. that's me..right??
It can be so confusing. Sometimes I'm just so sick of it all as well. I know that I should just take a day or two and not think about anything. But, then I feel like I'm not doing the best I can, I feel like I could then be doing more to get past all of this and make sense of my life, more quickly. Which again I know is putting pressure on myself.
This brings me back to being "productive". But in a positive way I hope.
I lay in bed yesterday afternoon. Thinking as usual. I realized that only 15 minutes a day to "reflect" and think about how I'm doing and where I am right now (not where I literally am of course) is enough for me to be able to write a book on things that I've become aware of. 15 minutes is all it takes. As Diann once said to me: "Niamh, you don't feel as if you've lived a day if you haven't anything to show for it or if you haven't achieved anything". So when I'm being driven by Fay I realized that, nowadays, I don't feel as if I've lived a day if I haven't written anything or if I haven't been creative. It seems to have taken over. But it was my choice and it's the course it's taken. To a certain extent it's beyond my control. Maybe by all this "just being myself" and discovering who I am, I'm automatically doing what I feel I like best..Maybe my own self is coming through and I'm not resisting it and the urges to write as much as I can is taking over? Maybe it's a combination of 2 things.. It's might be to show me how different my life could be..that's there's a different approach to each and everyday with my ability to write whilst looking at the world and at my life through the eyes of Fay..
Who knows.. I certainly don't.. But not to worry. I've done enough of that over the past few days and now I'm leaving it to rest..
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
"Zoned-out" or "Zoned-in"
Two hugs in one day, what more can I say.... I can't remember the last time that happened to me, the last time I LET it happen to me or the last time I ASKED for it to happen to me. But it was a natural response. A hug from Emma because she has come to visit this weekend and it's been 2 months since I seen her and a hug from Sean because I did some of his homework. I didn't feel guilty for letting them hug me and they both made me feel happy. This was last night, it was Thursday and my day was fine. Fay was in control and I was using my energy in the way I do best these days.. writing. I didn't let myself think about the other things I could be doing with my energy. I did what I felt was right and I felt good about it. It's the only place I feel calm, the only place I know I'm doing good things, the only place that makes me feel like the work I'm doing is benefiting my health, the only place I'm in control in a positive sense of the word, the place I'm learning about me, the place that recognizes the different stage I'm going through.. Right here, this blog, my "lifeline".
This morning, when I woke up, I heard laughter and the sound of little feet on the kitchen floor. It was my little nephew Aiden. He's a year and 8 months and gorgeous. It can be hard having more people in the house than we usually do. Especially with my mood being up and down like a roller coaster. But all the same, it's so nice. It makes me see everything from a total different angle....Sometimes I get so scared that people won't know me anymore, because I feel like I'm changing, I feel like I'm looking at the world differently and then I obsess about not ever being on the same "wave-length" as my family and friends anymore..it's inevitable that going through something like this will change me. Sometimes I feel so alien as well and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like "wandering soul" and like I don't know where I should be to feel like I belong..Sometimes I feel like the only 2 people in the world I can be myself with are Eileen and Sean..they don't expect anything from me, Mam doesn't either but Eileen and Sean don't "test the water" and they don't make me feel like I'm being watched and being worried about and they don't make me feel like a child.. they distance themselves but at the same time are aware of what's going on. Diann told me, that I have to think about this rationally.. Because will it really be the case, that just because I'm not feeling well and my usual self right now, that people won't know me? Of course people will still know me.. I know. I'll just have more depth (again..Diann's words). So with so many fears of little things that usually seem so normal and natural in daily life, it often helps to be pushed into the real world (of which I haven't been a part of for weeks now) to realize that these fears aren't worth the energy.
With Emma and Aiden being here now, my little worries have been "lightened". This morning I felt as if I was being pulled up. I was being coaxed out of my "comfort zone". My "comfort zone" being my own head, my own thoughts and my own world, preferably zoned out from the reality. This isn't the first time I've felt the pulling sensation, but today I was really aware. The strange thing is that when it's happening, my family or friends aren't even doing it intentionally. Nobody realizes that they are literally pulling me up (except my Mam and Eileen who may do it on purpose, which is good and I DO need this) and the "pulling" is through the most normal daily things, like having a conversation...Again..great stuff and I need it.. When I'm being pulled into reality I can see that there's still a world out there and that I will still have the ability to live a normal life all by myself. Sometimes when the pulling gets too much, I need to let go. I choose this myself, and I drop down into my own world again. Other times I'm being let go without me choosing to. When I'm being let go, I can either choose to go back to my comfort zone or do I can choose to stay in with reality and "test the water"...my answer to this, depends on who's in charge..Anna or Fay..
So, as I already said, I felt this pulling sensation this morning. Everybody was awake and there was hustle and bustle around the house. It was nice and I was apart of it. Aiden was pulling me and he didn't even realize what he was doing..I was dragged into this world, but it was nice. Playing with him and not having to pretend anything.. Such a "liberated" feeling. Being myself and being free and being in this normal world. Then..talking with Emma and realizing that she still knows me and that what Diann said is so right.. Just because I'm going through this, doesn't mean that I'm not myself anymore. I realized that I DO belong somewhere and I realized that belonging somewhere doesn't mean that that's your place for the rest of your life. Right here, right now, this is where I belong. I realized that I'm not alien and that the people I love the most, love me as well, unconditionally no matter how much this journey changes me.
I was chatting with Emma and I felt different in a good way. It's hard to describe. I no longer felt withdrawn, isolated or ashamed like I used to feel weeks or even months ago before I openly admitted to having this disorder. Today I felt stronger and I felt that the boundaries were gone. The boundaries that were once between me and every single person that I love and the boundaries that once existed between me and the world. It's hard to put into words..
Today, in the space of 3 or 4 hours.. I was not only being pulled into reality, but I was also seeing that everything is being lifted. This "lifting" comes along with everyone I love becoming more special, because they also have a diamond..
For months I wouldn't let myself show exactly what was going with me. At one stage I had decided that I was going to carry the burden of Anna forever and live an isolated life because I thought there was no way out. But now, I feel like I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. It's the total opposite. It's turned 180 degrees. The main reason for this, is because of this blog. It's the way I've chosen to work through this journey. I've chosen the honest and open road. I've gone from living a "secret life" to living a life to which to world has access..
I never really saw this blog in that light. It makes me feel better and stronger about it all. Because being honest to myself and everyone around me, shows that I can trust and have faith and because I made this possible and I chose the right thing to do when I started this journey in a dark and lost place.. I knew what was right for me and I trusted myself.
This morning, when I woke up, I heard laughter and the sound of little feet on the kitchen floor. It was my little nephew Aiden. He's a year and 8 months and gorgeous. It can be hard having more people in the house than we usually do. Especially with my mood being up and down like a roller coaster. But all the same, it's so nice. It makes me see everything from a total different angle....Sometimes I get so scared that people won't know me anymore, because I feel like I'm changing, I feel like I'm looking at the world differently and then I obsess about not ever being on the same "wave-length" as my family and friends anymore..it's inevitable that going through something like this will change me. Sometimes I feel so alien as well and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like "wandering soul" and like I don't know where I should be to feel like I belong..Sometimes I feel like the only 2 people in the world I can be myself with are Eileen and Sean..they don't expect anything from me, Mam doesn't either but Eileen and Sean don't "test the water" and they don't make me feel like I'm being watched and being worried about and they don't make me feel like a child.. they distance themselves but at the same time are aware of what's going on. Diann told me, that I have to think about this rationally.. Because will it really be the case, that just because I'm not feeling well and my usual self right now, that people won't know me? Of course people will still know me.. I know. I'll just have more depth (again..Diann's words). So with so many fears of little things that usually seem so normal and natural in daily life, it often helps to be pushed into the real world (of which I haven't been a part of for weeks now) to realize that these fears aren't worth the energy.
With Emma and Aiden being here now, my little worries have been "lightened". This morning I felt as if I was being pulled up. I was being coaxed out of my "comfort zone". My "comfort zone" being my own head, my own thoughts and my own world, preferably zoned out from the reality. This isn't the first time I've felt the pulling sensation, but today I was really aware. The strange thing is that when it's happening, my family or friends aren't even doing it intentionally. Nobody realizes that they are literally pulling me up (except my Mam and Eileen who may do it on purpose, which is good and I DO need this) and the "pulling" is through the most normal daily things, like having a conversation...Again..great stuff and I need it.. When I'm being pulled into reality I can see that there's still a world out there and that I will still have the ability to live a normal life all by myself. Sometimes when the pulling gets too much, I need to let go. I choose this myself, and I drop down into my own world again. Other times I'm being let go without me choosing to. When I'm being let go, I can either choose to go back to my comfort zone or do I can choose to stay in with reality and "test the water"...my answer to this, depends on who's in charge..Anna or Fay..
So, as I already said, I felt this pulling sensation this morning. Everybody was awake and there was hustle and bustle around the house. It was nice and I was apart of it. Aiden was pulling me and he didn't even realize what he was doing..I was dragged into this world, but it was nice. Playing with him and not having to pretend anything.. Such a "liberated" feeling. Being myself and being free and being in this normal world. Then..talking with Emma and realizing that she still knows me and that what Diann said is so right.. Just because I'm going through this, doesn't mean that I'm not myself anymore. I realized that I DO belong somewhere and I realized that belonging somewhere doesn't mean that that's your place for the rest of your life. Right here, right now, this is where I belong. I realized that I'm not alien and that the people I love the most, love me as well, unconditionally no matter how much this journey changes me.
I was chatting with Emma and I felt different in a good way. It's hard to describe. I no longer felt withdrawn, isolated or ashamed like I used to feel weeks or even months ago before I openly admitted to having this disorder. Today I felt stronger and I felt that the boundaries were gone. The boundaries that were once between me and every single person that I love and the boundaries that once existed between me and the world. It's hard to put into words..
Today, in the space of 3 or 4 hours.. I was not only being pulled into reality, but I was also seeing that everything is being lifted. This "lifting" comes along with everyone I love becoming more special, because they also have a diamond..
For months I wouldn't let myself show exactly what was going with me. At one stage I had decided that I was going to carry the burden of Anna forever and live an isolated life because I thought there was no way out. But now, I feel like I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. It's the total opposite. It's turned 180 degrees. The main reason for this, is because of this blog. It's the way I've chosen to work through this journey. I've chosen the honest and open road. I've gone from living a "secret life" to living a life to which to world has access..
I never really saw this blog in that light. It makes me feel better and stronger about it all. Because being honest to myself and everyone around me, shows that I can trust and have faith and because I made this possible and I chose the right thing to do when I started this journey in a dark and lost place.. I knew what was right for me and I trusted myself.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A hug for you
I want to hug you
And tell you I care,
I want to show you
So you'll be aware,
I want to tell you
Just how much you mean,
I want to remind you
That it isn't a dream.
I can't speak outloud
Or express it in any way,
I can't say you're special
But I want to everyday,
I can't give you a hug
Or show a happy thought,
I can't as I don't deserve
And it will make me distraught.
I'm not allowed to hug you
So please just let me be,
I'm not allowed to show you
How important you are to me,
I'm not allowed to tell you
So what am I to do, I don't know,
When I'm not allowed to remind you
Or put my "caring for you" on show?
And tell you I care,
I want to show you
So you'll be aware,
I want to tell you
Just how much you mean,
I want to remind you
That it isn't a dream.
I can't speak outloud
Or express it in any way,
I can't say you're special
But I want to everyday,
I can't give you a hug
Or show a happy thought,
I can't as I don't deserve
And it will make me distraught.
I'm not allowed to hug you
So please just let me be,
I'm not allowed to show you
How important you are to me,
I'm not allowed to tell you
So what am I to do, I don't know,
When I'm not allowed to remind you
Or put my "caring for you" on show?
A rollercoaster or a smoke..?
Wednesday afternoon it was acupuncture time again. I wasn't having a bad day, thankfully, because some of the things he said during our chat before the treatment, could have had a bad effect.. He said things like: "You're starting to look healthy Niamh".. "You're starting to glow".. "You're feeling more positive".. "You're eating an impressive amount".. I tried not to focus on them, because they would have otherwise ruined my day. His words did float around my head throughout the rest of the day but they didn't really upset me. (By the way, I hate the word "healthy"..I don't quite know what to make of it yet. I don't know if it's good or bad. But I know that it's what I need to be, but I don't know how I'll feel once I get it and I don't know if I'm able to maintain it. Getting a little side-tracked..)
Back to Ralph. I haven't been digesting my food, so he decided to increase the amount of needles. So the treatment would have more effect and would be more intense. This scared me a little to be honest.. If the past weeks were anything to go by, an increase in needles wouldn't go unnoticed. I don't know how many needles he stuck into my stomach and legs. All I know is that they sent me on another little adventure.
He left the room and almost immediately I could feel the effect. I thought..Oh right, here I go, my trip has started and I'm off again. I closed my eyes and let myself drift. Within a few minutes I was floating, like a few weeks ago. I felt numb and tingling. I was buzzing. My legs felt hot then cold. Then it felt as though I was on a roller-coaster, you know, when it makes a loop, the lightheaded dizziness you feel in your head. That's what I felt. I was spinning around like mad and I felt all off-balance. I then had to stop the feeling, I didn't give in to it, or else I think I might have vomited. Whenever I opened my eyes and I could actually SEE my pulse. I was staring at the ceiling and I could see the rate at which my heart was beating. It was the weirdest thing ever. Every so often my head would feel like it was moving around in circles and then being pulled in back into the pillow. Then there was a shot of energy or a buzz of some sort, running through me..it ran from my fingertips to the tips of my toes and then to my nose..
The whole hour I didn't move a muscle. I was numb, so I couldn't but I didn't want to either because it would probably disturb the "flow"..I started to get restless after a while. It probably released too much energy.
Afterwards I was still feeling pretty floaty, because I was taking it easy and pacing myself. If I had started to be busy with things once I got home, I wouldn't have felt the "after-effects". I decided to go to bed at around 4 o'clock. I was reading for a while, and I then started to feel lightheaded. Not sleepy but just dizzy. So I just gave in to this feeling and let it take me where ever it wanted. I think I might have been lying there for an hour or 2. I didn't move a muscle, and I was floating, my body was so heavy and my legs were like led. I felt like my head had been detached from the rest of my body. Or I was just so switched on to all the tingling, numbness, heaviness and floating which made my head feel like a untroubled place to be. While this was happening, lots of thoughts were coming and going, but they were fine. They weren't bad or good, they were just thoughts. It wasn't too much and I could deal with them. I was so happy that I was able to give in to this feeling. If I would have been having a bad day or a day fueled by Anna, then I wouldn't have enjoyed the after effects for so long. I would have been restless and agitated. But I was feeling glorious. I continued to lie there. Then I started to feel like I had just run a marathon. Physically exhausted. But it was a different tiredness to what I would usually feel. I'm tired a lot, but then it's a "drained" tiredness. The exhaustion I felt yesterday, I've only felt when I was working on a farm in Oz and I was tying trees all day long. Everyday after work, I'd be back in the hostel, in bed, unable to move a muscle for hours and I'd be so tired that even sounds would physically hurt. This is what I felt like yesterday evening.
But it had to end, because I had to have dinner.. At around 7 I went downstairs, had something to eat and went back to bed again. I was really chilled out and it still all felt a little bit surreal. It was almost as if I wasn't totally here..I was giving in to every feeling that came along and I wanted to get the most out of it because I don't know when I'll LET myself feel it again. So I figured, this is best way to get the most out of my treatment. When I was back in bed, I just read for a couple of hours and then watched a dvd. I was so happy that when it was time to go to sleep at around 12, I was able to.. I was allowed to have a good night sleep and I wasn't restless even though so much energy had been released during the day..
What a crazy experience. I don't know if everyone reacts the same way to acupuncture. I'd say it has a different effect on everybody. The effect it has on me, I don't know if it's all just my mind playing tricks on me or if it's because I'm letting myself be aware of the effect it has on me and I'm giving in to the feelings.. I'm not too sure. But whatever reason there may be for me benefiting so much from the acupuncture treatment, it doesn't really matter because it's great and a lot better than a smoke..if you get my meaning..!!
Back to Ralph. I haven't been digesting my food, so he decided to increase the amount of needles. So the treatment would have more effect and would be more intense. This scared me a little to be honest.. If the past weeks were anything to go by, an increase in needles wouldn't go unnoticed. I don't know how many needles he stuck into my stomach and legs. All I know is that they sent me on another little adventure.
He left the room and almost immediately I could feel the effect. I thought..Oh right, here I go, my trip has started and I'm off again. I closed my eyes and let myself drift. Within a few minutes I was floating, like a few weeks ago. I felt numb and tingling. I was buzzing. My legs felt hot then cold. Then it felt as though I was on a roller-coaster, you know, when it makes a loop, the lightheaded dizziness you feel in your head. That's what I felt. I was spinning around like mad and I felt all off-balance. I then had to stop the feeling, I didn't give in to it, or else I think I might have vomited. Whenever I opened my eyes and I could actually SEE my pulse. I was staring at the ceiling and I could see the rate at which my heart was beating. It was the weirdest thing ever. Every so often my head would feel like it was moving around in circles and then being pulled in back into the pillow. Then there was a shot of energy or a buzz of some sort, running through me..it ran from my fingertips to the tips of my toes and then to my nose..
The whole hour I didn't move a muscle. I was numb, so I couldn't but I didn't want to either because it would probably disturb the "flow"..I started to get restless after a while. It probably released too much energy.
Afterwards I was still feeling pretty floaty, because I was taking it easy and pacing myself. If I had started to be busy with things once I got home, I wouldn't have felt the "after-effects". I decided to go to bed at around 4 o'clock. I was reading for a while, and I then started to feel lightheaded. Not sleepy but just dizzy. So I just gave in to this feeling and let it take me where ever it wanted. I think I might have been lying there for an hour or 2. I didn't move a muscle, and I was floating, my body was so heavy and my legs were like led. I felt like my head had been detached from the rest of my body. Or I was just so switched on to all the tingling, numbness, heaviness and floating which made my head feel like a untroubled place to be. While this was happening, lots of thoughts were coming and going, but they were fine. They weren't bad or good, they were just thoughts. It wasn't too much and I could deal with them. I was so happy that I was able to give in to this feeling. If I would have been having a bad day or a day fueled by Anna, then I wouldn't have enjoyed the after effects for so long. I would have been restless and agitated. But I was feeling glorious. I continued to lie there. Then I started to feel like I had just run a marathon. Physically exhausted. But it was a different tiredness to what I would usually feel. I'm tired a lot, but then it's a "drained" tiredness. The exhaustion I felt yesterday, I've only felt when I was working on a farm in Oz and I was tying trees all day long. Everyday after work, I'd be back in the hostel, in bed, unable to move a muscle for hours and I'd be so tired that even sounds would physically hurt. This is what I felt like yesterday evening.
But it had to end, because I had to have dinner.. At around 7 I went downstairs, had something to eat and went back to bed again. I was really chilled out and it still all felt a little bit surreal. It was almost as if I wasn't totally here..I was giving in to every feeling that came along and I wanted to get the most out of it because I don't know when I'll LET myself feel it again. So I figured, this is best way to get the most out of my treatment. When I was back in bed, I just read for a couple of hours and then watched a dvd. I was so happy that when it was time to go to sleep at around 12, I was able to.. I was allowed to have a good night sleep and I wasn't restless even though so much energy had been released during the day..
What a crazy experience. I don't know if everyone reacts the same way to acupuncture. I'd say it has a different effect on everybody. The effect it has on me, I don't know if it's all just my mind playing tricks on me or if it's because I'm letting myself be aware of the effect it has on me and I'm giving in to the feelings.. I'm not too sure. But whatever reason there may be for me benefiting so much from the acupuncture treatment, it doesn't really matter because it's great and a lot better than a smoke..if you get my meaning..!!
Traffic jam on the inside..
It's Thursday afternoon. Sitting, as usual, on my backside, behind the computer. I just had my toast, drink and fruit.. I'm so full, I want to explode..
I've been enjoying the toast though, this week. Which is good. Not compared to last week when everyday was a battle..
Yes, wanting to explode..I'm not digesting anything at the moment, and it's driving me insane. I hate it so much and I literally can't eat another bite.. I haven't been to the loo properly since Friday. The time before that was months..so I should be happy, but the food is actually stuck just behind my ribs. At acupuncture yesterday I think Ralph saw the desperation in my eyes.. I NEED TO GET THIS FOOD MOVING!!! I told him me ribs were sore, well that's because it's where your food is "stuck".. oh, it's so uncomfortable and I sometimes feel like if I take a deep breath I'll be sick..I'm afraid to breathe. It's awful. I just need a time-out. This feeling isn't helping me WANT to eat.. Can you imagine.. Feeling so full you might explode and having a stomach the size of a balloon AND forcing yourself to put more strain on your body, having so much energy that you feel you don't need food, feeling like a fat pig but STILL switching off Anna inside my head who's telling me to take a stop eating.. All of this, and still eating. Do you have any idea how disgusting and hard this is right now?
Tuesday night, I thought I wasn't able to walk or sit or lie down or anything, I was that full..last night it was the same, and then it's total "head-wrecker" when I wake up after going to sleep with a mountain of a gut, and I'm hungry but don't want to eat because I'm still so full at the same time..O I hate it I hate it I hate it..
As if it isn't enough for me to have to deal with putting on weight in general, no that's not enough, Niamh, we can make you feel worse and make the eating even harder.. With or without not being able to go to the loo, it feels unnatural for to stuff me face ALL DAY LONG...this just makes it the little bit more unbearable. I can't stop feeling so bad for strain my body is under. I need to give my stomach a rest man..This can't be healthy..
When will it end? Is there an end? Was there ever a beginning? How long can I keep on doing this? When can I draw the line under the whole situation and just go on living again..?
But it isn't that simple. I sometimes compare this whole ordeal to alcoholism. Is there are start and finish-line for alcoholics? I don't think there is. Example: Somebody goes for a night out, or a mad weekend. Drinking every drop of alcohol they can find. Does this mean this person is an alcoholic? No. Example: An alcoholic is drinking water for 4 days solid, nothing else. Does this mean this person isn't an alcoholic anymore? No. Example: Somebody skips lunch and has only half their dinner. Does this make this person anorexic? No. Example: an anorexic is eating a digestive biscuit and wants another, so takes 2. Does this mean this person's no long anorexic? No.
My point is that it's a slow process.. It will take up until the time that I can safely say..when I over-indulge on anything and I don't feel guilty for days afterwards or feel the need to walk for hours to burn calories.. or when I can skip a meal unintentionally and carry on with my day, knowing that the reason I didn't have the meal wasn't because of Anna.
But WHAT am I now? WHERE am I now? I'm recovering, so no longer anorexic? I don't look like her anymore. But I don't know. Maybe because I don't know what lies ahead and I don't know how far I still have to go.. So I therefore don't know what I am and I don't know what will become of me either. But time will reveal all and in months down the line, I will look back to today and I will then see what I can't see right now..
I've been enjoying the toast though, this week. Which is good. Not compared to last week when everyday was a battle..
Yes, wanting to explode..I'm not digesting anything at the moment, and it's driving me insane. I hate it so much and I literally can't eat another bite.. I haven't been to the loo properly since Friday. The time before that was months..so I should be happy, but the food is actually stuck just behind my ribs. At acupuncture yesterday I think Ralph saw the desperation in my eyes.. I NEED TO GET THIS FOOD MOVING!!! I told him me ribs were sore, well that's because it's where your food is "stuck".. oh, it's so uncomfortable and I sometimes feel like if I take a deep breath I'll be sick..I'm afraid to breathe. It's awful. I just need a time-out. This feeling isn't helping me WANT to eat.. Can you imagine.. Feeling so full you might explode and having a stomach the size of a balloon AND forcing yourself to put more strain on your body, having so much energy that you feel you don't need food, feeling like a fat pig but STILL switching off Anna inside my head who's telling me to take a stop eating.. All of this, and still eating. Do you have any idea how disgusting and hard this is right now?
Tuesday night, I thought I wasn't able to walk or sit or lie down or anything, I was that full..last night it was the same, and then it's total "head-wrecker" when I wake up after going to sleep with a mountain of a gut, and I'm hungry but don't want to eat because I'm still so full at the same time..O I hate it I hate it I hate it..
As if it isn't enough for me to have to deal with putting on weight in general, no that's not enough, Niamh, we can make you feel worse and make the eating even harder.. With or without not being able to go to the loo, it feels unnatural for to stuff me face ALL DAY LONG...this just makes it the little bit more unbearable. I can't stop feeling so bad for strain my body is under. I need to give my stomach a rest man..This can't be healthy..
When will it end? Is there an end? Was there ever a beginning? How long can I keep on doing this? When can I draw the line under the whole situation and just go on living again..?
But it isn't that simple. I sometimes compare this whole ordeal to alcoholism. Is there are start and finish-line for alcoholics? I don't think there is. Example: Somebody goes for a night out, or a mad weekend. Drinking every drop of alcohol they can find. Does this mean this person is an alcoholic? No. Example: An alcoholic is drinking water for 4 days solid, nothing else. Does this mean this person isn't an alcoholic anymore? No. Example: Somebody skips lunch and has only half their dinner. Does this make this person anorexic? No. Example: an anorexic is eating a digestive biscuit and wants another, so takes 2. Does this mean this person's no long anorexic? No.
My point is that it's a slow process.. It will take up until the time that I can safely say..when I over-indulge on anything and I don't feel guilty for days afterwards or feel the need to walk for hours to burn calories.. or when I can skip a meal unintentionally and carry on with my day, knowing that the reason I didn't have the meal wasn't because of Anna.
But WHAT am I now? WHERE am I now? I'm recovering, so no longer anorexic? I don't look like her anymore. But I don't know. Maybe because I don't know what lies ahead and I don't know how far I still have to go.. So I therefore don't know what I am and I don't know what will become of me either. But time will reveal all and in months down the line, I will look back to today and I will then see what I can't see right now..
Same-Same...but different
Documentaries on tv. They can be inspirational, eye-opening and resourceful..
I'm sure everyone has seen documentaries on people who are trying to loose weight. They often say that their weight problem is due to the following: "I wanted to enjoy life, so I started treating myself and eating whatever I fancied..". They would associate being happy with eating in restaurants 3 and 4 times a week or having a packet of crisps will watching a movie. Then they suddenly became overweight and are unhappy in themselves. Conclusion: they thought they were enjoying life more because they stuffed their faces but they now have made themselves unhappy and can't live a normal life and all along they were thinking they were living a their dream.
This sounds pathetic to you? Well, maybe it does, but to me, it's how I can describe myself, but the opposite extreme. I wanted to be happy and enjoy life and be healthy and active without putting bad things in my body (except alcohol). I associated being happy with being as thin as possible, resisting as many foods as possible and doing as much active things as possible. It's the same as overweight people..they associated having 10 bars of chocolate a week with being happy and enjoying life.
It's the lifestyle you choose, and you adapt everything around you to make this lifestyle livable.
It's funny that these documentaries are mostly all about people being obese, but you don't see half as many documentaries on people who are the extreme opposite. Yes, anorexia is an illness, maybe that's why it isn't emphasized as much. But, surely, being obese has often got the same underlying sources...seeking happiness in the wrong places..
The only way anorexia is emphasized in the media, or the only way it's shown, is in a "good" light. The celebrities who have lost lots of weight or the models "strutting their stuff" on the catwalk being beautiful and thin. This is classed as beautiful and healthy. These women all look gorgeous, but what do they do to maintain their figures? How little do they eat a day? What are their lifestyles like? They can't be living healthy..of course there are women who are naturally thin and can eat like horses, but there are probably more women who it doesn't come natural to.. They have to live their lives in a certain way, to keep a skinny waist. I wonder how many women are borderline anorexia, but manage to not let it get out of control and carry on through life as normal?
A few examples of celebrities and what they eat from day to day, to keep their figures..Samantha from Sex and the City.. She eats just 1 meal a day and Roxy from Eastenders.. On most days she wouldn't eat more then 400 calories!!
I read this is a magazine a few months ago. How can they work and act while eating so little.. I suppose I would have been able to do it as well..
It just frustrates me so much that the media classes skinniness as being good and overweight as being bad when, more often than not, the source of the problem is the same.. It's self-loathe and it's self-inflicted. Nothing to be proud of..But the media praises skinny people and looks down on overweight people. That's just so unfair and so wrong.. and it makes me so sad for so many girls and teenagers who feel the immense pressure to be thin just because the media makes it seem like that's the only way to be happy..when it's not..
I'm sure everyone has seen documentaries on people who are trying to loose weight. They often say that their weight problem is due to the following: "I wanted to enjoy life, so I started treating myself and eating whatever I fancied..". They would associate being happy with eating in restaurants 3 and 4 times a week or having a packet of crisps will watching a movie. Then they suddenly became overweight and are unhappy in themselves. Conclusion: they thought they were enjoying life more because they stuffed their faces but they now have made themselves unhappy and can't live a normal life and all along they were thinking they were living a their dream.
This sounds pathetic to you? Well, maybe it does, but to me, it's how I can describe myself, but the opposite extreme. I wanted to be happy and enjoy life and be healthy and active without putting bad things in my body (except alcohol). I associated being happy with being as thin as possible, resisting as many foods as possible and doing as much active things as possible. It's the same as overweight people..they associated having 10 bars of chocolate a week with being happy and enjoying life.
It's the lifestyle you choose, and you adapt everything around you to make this lifestyle livable.
It's funny that these documentaries are mostly all about people being obese, but you don't see half as many documentaries on people who are the extreme opposite. Yes, anorexia is an illness, maybe that's why it isn't emphasized as much. But, surely, being obese has often got the same underlying sources...seeking happiness in the wrong places..
The only way anorexia is emphasized in the media, or the only way it's shown, is in a "good" light. The celebrities who have lost lots of weight or the models "strutting their stuff" on the catwalk being beautiful and thin. This is classed as beautiful and healthy. These women all look gorgeous, but what do they do to maintain their figures? How little do they eat a day? What are their lifestyles like? They can't be living healthy..of course there are women who are naturally thin and can eat like horses, but there are probably more women who it doesn't come natural to.. They have to live their lives in a certain way, to keep a skinny waist. I wonder how many women are borderline anorexia, but manage to not let it get out of control and carry on through life as normal?
A few examples of celebrities and what they eat from day to day, to keep their figures..Samantha from Sex and the City.. She eats just 1 meal a day and Roxy from Eastenders.. On most days she wouldn't eat more then 400 calories!!
I read this is a magazine a few months ago. How can they work and act while eating so little.. I suppose I would have been able to do it as well..
It just frustrates me so much that the media classes skinniness as being good and overweight as being bad when, more often than not, the source of the problem is the same.. It's self-loathe and it's self-inflicted. Nothing to be proud of..But the media praises skinny people and looks down on overweight people. That's just so unfair and so wrong.. and it makes me so sad for so many girls and teenagers who feel the immense pressure to be thin just because the media makes it seem like that's the only way to be happy..when it's not..
THIN with Lying Eyes
What do I see when I look in the mirror?
After browsing on Internet and reading about other girls recovering and what they have done to help them through it, a lot of girls say that they needed to spend time in front of the mirror. Each day, if they're feeling up to it. This makes sense to me because for weeks and weeks I've avoiding mirrors, or if I had to look, I wouldn't be looking properly. I would want try to ignore and shut off the awful feelings seeing myself, would give me. If I would see either myself being ill or myself being fat. Both feelings can be too difficult to bear so avoiding the mirror is easier.
Once I'm becoming stronger and more aware of what's going on, in the world, in daily life and with me, I'm realizing that I will, sooner or later, have to come to terms with the changes my body is going through. Changes that I can see in the mirror, if I force myself to take a look.
I've haven't been weighed in 2 weeks, but I can feel that I've put on weight. I don't know how much, but I tell myself that it's a lot, that way it will never seem as bad. But I'm not allowed to judge myself by my weight anymore. It's what I see in the mirror and what it feels like being in my skin, that's more important.
Today I'm not too chirpy about being in my own skin. The past few days, I've been forcing myself to look in the mirror. I need to see the different ways I'm expanding and I need to feel comfortable while this is happening.
I looked a few mornings ago, properly. I wasn't having a bad day, so I just told myself to look. I saw a normal person. I didn't see someone who's skinny or ill. But I didn't see someone who's fat or obese either.
What changes did I see? My chest is growing, this is good. My legs are expanding, and they will keep on doing so, until they have the same amount of muscle as they used to have, which will take forever.. But I know I need these muscle tissues and I want these too. My behind is also expanding, only ever so slightly.. This is all inevitable, I know. Sometimes I don't mind too much, and I just remind myself.."In order to get better, I need to put on weight". Other times though, I look down and I see an elephant..
As for my stomach? This is constantly swollen. It's bloated and hard, because I'm not digesting the enormous amounts of food properly yet. So I don't really know if it's expanding, but I don't want it to and I would love to start doing sit-ups again, just to prevent me getting rolls of fat.. just to work on the abs.. But that's a no-go I'm afraid.
The changes I really despise and hate so much.. My bones are starting to disappear. I can't see my ribs anymore and the bone that used to stick out in my lower back whenever I would sit down, is also disappearing. This bone, I cherished so much. It would prove to me, that I was keeping off the kilo's or loosing weight. I loved it so much, no matter how awful it looked.. But it's going and I'll probably never see or feel it again..
My head is huge. It's disgustingly big and I'm like a hamster. I've always had this thing with my face and head.. It's always been so big and I would have a fat, double chin. Whenever I would put on a few kilo's it would always be in my face, my fat disgusting face and enormous chubby cheeks, like a 5-year-old. I hate it so much, and it's happening now again. It's also the first thing people see and the thing they'll judge my health by..This just makes me want to cover my head with a black sack, so nobody will think how well I'm doing or that I'm "fattening up brilliantly"..
Whenever I look in the mirror, I don't know if what I'm seeing is real. I don't know if I can trust my judgment anymore. When I was at my lowest weight, of 31 kilo's, I didn't see a skinny person. So how on earth do I know what I'm seeing today, is skinny or not? If I'm feeling fine, and I see somebody of a normal size in the mirror, is that just me convincing myself I'm not fat, when really I am? Will I be fooling myself? Or if I see somebody who is thin, is that just me "making a mountain out of molehill" or making a big deal out of nothing, because really I'm "normal" again and I'm just seeking attention and giving myself a reason to keep on eating? When can I trust what I see in the mirror is really what I am and what the world sees? This is a known as: Distorted Body Image. I looked up some information and it's scary how much I can relate to some of the quotes girls in recovery wrote: "My mirror image sometimes agrees with what I'm feeling, and sometimes it differs greatly.".... "It is clear to me that this distortion is the result of my own self-hatred, my own longing to be something and someone that I am not."... "It is a rebellion of my inner self, against the unrealistic ideals I place on myself, and against the unrealistic ideals that society places on me."..."I wish that I could see me how you see me, even if it is only for a moment."...
I read these, and felt like I had wrote them..My thoughts that others have put into words..
I look at girls on telly, and they are so gorgeous and skinny. They have normal lives and have bones sticking out. Why can't I? It seems so unfair.. Why is it so important for me to be thin? Why do I want it so much and why am I so envious? I can be like that if I want.. All I have to do is stick to eating certain foods for the rest of my life and that will keep me thin, won't it..? Won't I be happier that way?
I've always wanted to be healthy and have always watched what I eat. I was never on a constant "diet", I just wouldn't eat bad things regularly. So how will ever know what a healthy lifestyle is? Will I be restricting myself without even realizing? Will I never be able to let Anna totally go, because I don't want to weigh more than 50 kilo's..? What happens when I don't restrict myself, and eat normally and become huge and I'm not happy and start to watch what I eat..? Is it a vicious circle that I won't ever be able to break? When does living a healthy lifestyle and eating healthy, become unhealthy and harmful? Will I be able to see it?
It wrecks my brain, really it does. Because at the moment, I'm just stuffing my face and I hate it. It's not making me happy and it feels unnatural. When I get my own life back, I won't have any intention of stuffing my face. No way.. Not if I have the choice, I'm not going to eat my days away..
After browsing on Internet and reading about other girls recovering and what they have done to help them through it, a lot of girls say that they needed to spend time in front of the mirror. Each day, if they're feeling up to it. This makes sense to me because for weeks and weeks I've avoiding mirrors, or if I had to look, I wouldn't be looking properly. I would want try to ignore and shut off the awful feelings seeing myself, would give me. If I would see either myself being ill or myself being fat. Both feelings can be too difficult to bear so avoiding the mirror is easier.
Once I'm becoming stronger and more aware of what's going on, in the world, in daily life and with me, I'm realizing that I will, sooner or later, have to come to terms with the changes my body is going through. Changes that I can see in the mirror, if I force myself to take a look.
I've haven't been weighed in 2 weeks, but I can feel that I've put on weight. I don't know how much, but I tell myself that it's a lot, that way it will never seem as bad. But I'm not allowed to judge myself by my weight anymore. It's what I see in the mirror and what it feels like being in my skin, that's more important.
Today I'm not too chirpy about being in my own skin. The past few days, I've been forcing myself to look in the mirror. I need to see the different ways I'm expanding and I need to feel comfortable while this is happening.
I looked a few mornings ago, properly. I wasn't having a bad day, so I just told myself to look. I saw a normal person. I didn't see someone who's skinny or ill. But I didn't see someone who's fat or obese either.
What changes did I see? My chest is growing, this is good. My legs are expanding, and they will keep on doing so, until they have the same amount of muscle as they used to have, which will take forever.. But I know I need these muscle tissues and I want these too. My behind is also expanding, only ever so slightly.. This is all inevitable, I know. Sometimes I don't mind too much, and I just remind myself.."In order to get better, I need to put on weight". Other times though, I look down and I see an elephant..
As for my stomach? This is constantly swollen. It's bloated and hard, because I'm not digesting the enormous amounts of food properly yet. So I don't really know if it's expanding, but I don't want it to and I would love to start doing sit-ups again, just to prevent me getting rolls of fat.. just to work on the abs.. But that's a no-go I'm afraid.
The changes I really despise and hate so much.. My bones are starting to disappear. I can't see my ribs anymore and the bone that used to stick out in my lower back whenever I would sit down, is also disappearing. This bone, I cherished so much. It would prove to me, that I was keeping off the kilo's or loosing weight. I loved it so much, no matter how awful it looked.. But it's going and I'll probably never see or feel it again..
My head is huge. It's disgustingly big and I'm like a hamster. I've always had this thing with my face and head.. It's always been so big and I would have a fat, double chin. Whenever I would put on a few kilo's it would always be in my face, my fat disgusting face and enormous chubby cheeks, like a 5-year-old. I hate it so much, and it's happening now again. It's also the first thing people see and the thing they'll judge my health by..This just makes me want to cover my head with a black sack, so nobody will think how well I'm doing or that I'm "fattening up brilliantly"..
Whenever I look in the mirror, I don't know if what I'm seeing is real. I don't know if I can trust my judgment anymore. When I was at my lowest weight, of 31 kilo's, I didn't see a skinny person. So how on earth do I know what I'm seeing today, is skinny or not? If I'm feeling fine, and I see somebody of a normal size in the mirror, is that just me convincing myself I'm not fat, when really I am? Will I be fooling myself? Or if I see somebody who is thin, is that just me "making a mountain out of molehill" or making a big deal out of nothing, because really I'm "normal" again and I'm just seeking attention and giving myself a reason to keep on eating? When can I trust what I see in the mirror is really what I am and what the world sees? This is a known as: Distorted Body Image. I looked up some information and it's scary how much I can relate to some of the quotes girls in recovery wrote: "My mirror image sometimes agrees with what I'm feeling, and sometimes it differs greatly.".... "It is clear to me that this distortion is the result of my own self-hatred, my own longing to be something and someone that I am not."... "It is a rebellion of my inner self, against the unrealistic ideals I place on myself, and against the unrealistic ideals that society places on me."..."I wish that I could see me how you see me, even if it is only for a moment."...
I read these, and felt like I had wrote them..My thoughts that others have put into words..
I look at girls on telly, and they are so gorgeous and skinny. They have normal lives and have bones sticking out. Why can't I? It seems so unfair.. Why is it so important for me to be thin? Why do I want it so much and why am I so envious? I can be like that if I want.. All I have to do is stick to eating certain foods for the rest of my life and that will keep me thin, won't it..? Won't I be happier that way?
I've always wanted to be healthy and have always watched what I eat. I was never on a constant "diet", I just wouldn't eat bad things regularly. So how will ever know what a healthy lifestyle is? Will I be restricting myself without even realizing? Will I never be able to let Anna totally go, because I don't want to weigh more than 50 kilo's..? What happens when I don't restrict myself, and eat normally and become huge and I'm not happy and start to watch what I eat..? Is it a vicious circle that I won't ever be able to break? When does living a healthy lifestyle and eating healthy, become unhealthy and harmful? Will I be able to see it?
It wrecks my brain, really it does. Because at the moment, I'm just stuffing my face and I hate it. It's not making me happy and it feels unnatural. When I get my own life back, I won't have any intention of stuffing my face. No way.. Not if I have the choice, I'm not going to eat my days away..
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Thinking, thinking and more thinking
Our days are full of thoughts..just like our minds..
Thoughts coming and going. Thoughts keeping us occupied all day long. We can control then or they can control us. They can take over and our lives can revolve around these thoughts. Do we become the thoughts we have? Or are our thoughts just expressed through our behaviour? Choosing what we fill our minds with, gives us the ability to fill our days however we like. Do the things we do express what we feel and think and therefore who we are?
So many thoughts. Relieving our minds of the troubles that come along, leaves space in our minds to be who, how and what we want to be. A person, light and liberated, has time to think about the things that they want. Things that makes them happy. The times of worrying can become times of enjoying. There is space for this, there is time for this and there is a need for this. We're re-energizing the body and soul by doing the things we love the most. This gives us the boost we need to tackle other worries or troubles we may have. We then have enough drive to relieve ourselves once again from the problems that occur. It's a cycle that is constant and it keeps us balanced and stops us from going insane.
However not everyone is aware.. So things get bottled up..thoughts build and build. The mind becomes overflown with worries and troubles that haven't been resolved or that haven't been put to rest. We can then become lost. We have been taken over, without realizing it. Behaviour can change, unintentionally, as there is no other way of dealing with the clouds. There can seem to be no way out.
This is an example of what can become of bad thoughts..
What if our fears, worries and troubles are dealt with and all we have are good thoughts? What becomes of us? Are we then strong enough to take on the good and bad of the world? Do we then really know ourselves through and through due to the fact that we don't have dark clouds weighing us down and influencing our decisions? Do our minds then have so much "free time" to let ourselves be true to who we are which leads us to our happy selves as there is no need to hide from anything? Does honesty make this a possibility? Isn't it true that only when we are honest about what's going on inside our minds, we can deal with it, which relieves us and makes us feel light and liberated and we are free to be whoever we want to be? Does this make any sense...
Is "honesty" the answer as to how we can find out what it is we want from life? It clears the mind and leaves enough space for us to realize what it is in life, that's good for us. This can leave us feeling lightheaded and liberated. 2 glorious feelings that aren't easy to come across. But once we feel them both, we'll never regret believing and acting out the theory of "honesty is the best policy".
Thoughts coming and going. Thoughts keeping us occupied all day long. We can control then or they can control us. They can take over and our lives can revolve around these thoughts. Do we become the thoughts we have? Or are our thoughts just expressed through our behaviour? Choosing what we fill our minds with, gives us the ability to fill our days however we like. Do the things we do express what we feel and think and therefore who we are?
So many thoughts. Relieving our minds of the troubles that come along, leaves space in our minds to be who, how and what we want to be. A person, light and liberated, has time to think about the things that they want. Things that makes them happy. The times of worrying can become times of enjoying. There is space for this, there is time for this and there is a need for this. We're re-energizing the body and soul by doing the things we love the most. This gives us the boost we need to tackle other worries or troubles we may have. We then have enough drive to relieve ourselves once again from the problems that occur. It's a cycle that is constant and it keeps us balanced and stops us from going insane.
However not everyone is aware.. So things get bottled up..thoughts build and build. The mind becomes overflown with worries and troubles that haven't been resolved or that haven't been put to rest. We can then become lost. We have been taken over, without realizing it. Behaviour can change, unintentionally, as there is no other way of dealing with the clouds. There can seem to be no way out.
This is an example of what can become of bad thoughts..
What if our fears, worries and troubles are dealt with and all we have are good thoughts? What becomes of us? Are we then strong enough to take on the good and bad of the world? Do we then really know ourselves through and through due to the fact that we don't have dark clouds weighing us down and influencing our decisions? Do our minds then have so much "free time" to let ourselves be true to who we are which leads us to our happy selves as there is no need to hide from anything? Does honesty make this a possibility? Isn't it true that only when we are honest about what's going on inside our minds, we can deal with it, which relieves us and makes us feel light and liberated and we are free to be whoever we want to be? Does this make any sense...
Is "honesty" the answer as to how we can find out what it is we want from life? It clears the mind and leaves enough space for us to realize what it is in life, that's good for us. This can leave us feeling lightheaded and liberated. 2 glorious feelings that aren't easy to come across. But once we feel them both, we'll never regret believing and acting out the theory of "honesty is the best policy".
Who's behind the wheel?
It's Wednesday morning. I'm going to acupuncture in an hour. But first some "food for thought.."
Am I being driven by Anna or Fay? What do I choose? What SHOULD I choose? How can I tell the difference? Am I aware of who is driving me each day?
-What do I feel when I'm driven by Anna?
I feel agitated, uneasy and restless. I try to plan the hours and fill them as much as I can. I go around the house, looking for things to do. I have a "frantic" half hour of putting everything in a certain place. I don't let myself do anything "good" until I've done something worthwhile. I won't let myself watch telly until it's time for me to have my potato between 2 and 3 o'clock.. If I watch tv before this time, I feel lazy and feel like a failure. I try to NOT be sitting on the sofa when Mam, Eileen or Sean come home, because they'll think I've been doing nothing all day and they'll think I'm lazy and boring.. When in fact, it's not THEM who think I'm lazy, but it's ME, or more to the point, it's Anna. I always feel the pressure on my legs from walking around the house and in my chest from the "stress" caused by keeping busy.
So, in short, the answer to the question: How do I feel when I'm driven by Anna:
I feel stress.
-What do I feel feel when I'm driven by Fay? I feel calm and at ease but slow and boring at the same time and sometimes lazy and worthless. But the world is "tranquil". I enjoy watching day-time telly, it makes me happy and can even give me butterflies but it's like a flutter in my chest instead of in my stomach (how sad it may seem, but that's just the way it is). I can lie down on sofa with my legs stretched out in front of me and I let myself feel that they are sore but it's fine because I'm resting them and it's making them strong again. I don't frantically feel the need for everything to have it's own spot. I let myself forget about time and just fill the hours in a relaxed state of mind. I'm fine with showing an interest in other peoples lives and I can handle good moods around me. I let myself see clearly and it doesn't matter if I feel guilty for letting myself feel okay because I can switch the guilt off, for a certain amount of time.
So, in short, the answer to the question: How do I feel when I'm driven by Fay?
I feel calm.
I will write when I'm driven by either of them. It's the only thing that I'm always allowed to DO and always allowed to FEEL GOOD about. I'm allowed to be happy with what I've written, the realizations I've made and grateful for whatever steps I've made, be it forwards of backwards.
So feeling good or bad, happy or sad, guilty or not guilty, tired or energized..It doesn't really matter, as long as I'm aware of what it is that's driving me because that's the source of the feelings.
Right, I'm off to see Mr. Acupuncturist in a minute, the taxi will be here shortly and the needles await..
Am I being driven by Anna or Fay? What do I choose? What SHOULD I choose? How can I tell the difference? Am I aware of who is driving me each day?
-What do I feel when I'm driven by Anna?
I feel agitated, uneasy and restless. I try to plan the hours and fill them as much as I can. I go around the house, looking for things to do. I have a "frantic" half hour of putting everything in a certain place. I don't let myself do anything "good" until I've done something worthwhile. I won't let myself watch telly until it's time for me to have my potato between 2 and 3 o'clock.. If I watch tv before this time, I feel lazy and feel like a failure. I try to NOT be sitting on the sofa when Mam, Eileen or Sean come home, because they'll think I've been doing nothing all day and they'll think I'm lazy and boring.. When in fact, it's not THEM who think I'm lazy, but it's ME, or more to the point, it's Anna. I always feel the pressure on my legs from walking around the house and in my chest from the "stress" caused by keeping busy.
So, in short, the answer to the question: How do I feel when I'm driven by Anna:
I feel stress.
-What do I feel feel when I'm driven by Fay? I feel calm and at ease but slow and boring at the same time and sometimes lazy and worthless. But the world is "tranquil". I enjoy watching day-time telly, it makes me happy and can even give me butterflies but it's like a flutter in my chest instead of in my stomach (how sad it may seem, but that's just the way it is). I can lie down on sofa with my legs stretched out in front of me and I let myself feel that they are sore but it's fine because I'm resting them and it's making them strong again. I don't frantically feel the need for everything to have it's own spot. I let myself forget about time and just fill the hours in a relaxed state of mind. I'm fine with showing an interest in other peoples lives and I can handle good moods around me. I let myself see clearly and it doesn't matter if I feel guilty for letting myself feel okay because I can switch the guilt off, for a certain amount of time.
So, in short, the answer to the question: How do I feel when I'm driven by Fay?
I feel calm.
I will write when I'm driven by either of them. It's the only thing that I'm always allowed to DO and always allowed to FEEL GOOD about. I'm allowed to be happy with what I've written, the realizations I've made and grateful for whatever steps I've made, be it forwards of backwards.
So feeling good or bad, happy or sad, guilty or not guilty, tired or energized..It doesn't really matter, as long as I'm aware of what it is that's driving me because that's the source of the feelings.
Right, I'm off to see Mr. Acupuncturist in a minute, the taxi will be here shortly and the needles await..
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
My Energy is for Fay
Channeling my energy and trying not to go back to my old habits.
What is a person supposed to do with so many hours in a day? Is it possible to fill them? Is it possible to know what you're doing isn't a waste of time, even when that's how it looks to others and also how it feels to yourself? How do I fill it, when I don't want to do anything? If I'm feeling down, I don't want to occupy myself..I don't want to watch any more tv, I don't want to read any more books, I'm sick of writing and focusing on Anna, I'm scared to browse on the Internet because I'll come across things that I'll want to do but can't which will make me feel even more down. I would like to do a course.. but I'm scared that I'll be doing it for the wrong reasons and to be "productive"..I'll start something just for the sake of it and it will be a waste..
This feeling comes and goes. I just have to try not focus on it too much and remind myself..I've felt this before and it has passed, so it will pass again. So far, the past months, fighting Anna can be compared to a full-time job. I know a lot you think I'm doing nothing and probably don't understand how I've managed to NOT go crazy, being cooped up the house day in day out. But recovering from anorexia doesn't happen if you don't work for it and fight against it. It isn't effortless and doesn't come naturally. Whenever I'm feeling bad, all my energy goes into fighting Anna, be it with food or emotions. Fighting her can occupy me for hours and it drains me just as much as "hard day at the office" can. Not only the constant eating, rebuilding a new relationship with food, storing energy and caring for myself, but also realizing things and placing them where they're needed to be placed, dealing with it and relating them to my situation, my life or decisions I've made, finding answers from within to the questions that I constantly ask myself, searching for myself again, finding what it is that got me here and figuring out how to get through it, keeping up the strength to keep on going and constantly being aware of what's going on with me as well as just "being me". O yeah-the stage I'm at right now-It's so important for me to save and rebuild the strength in my legs and heart. 2 things that need to be taken care of, because without either, I'm going nowhere.
But now that I've got more energy, a full-time job will slowly become a part-time job. But because I'm breaking old habits, I have to learn what it is I now should do because I'm not allowed to give it to Anna and make her stronger. Whenever Anna is bothering me, she just wants me to be miserable and not do anything with the energy..ONLY if it's active and keeping busy in the wrong ways. This leaves me with a feeling of agitation and frustration and I would just prefer to sit in bed staring into space doing nothing for hours and hours.. She won't let me live a life I want, she won't let me fill a day the way I would want (not that I know how I want to fill my days, but that's besides the point).
Old habits die hard. It's so true. Years you lived according to them, so now they're gone or you need to let them go, but you're not too sure what's left. So what do you do?
It's such a slow process to break away from them. But I can see it so clearly. When I was walking around the shops on Sunday afternoon, I could see it all so clearly, for about 15 minutes.. (Yeah, I was buzzing and feeling all energized and great as I walked around, but 20 minutes later it all started to drain slowly out of me, but that's not what I'm getting at..). As I walked around, I was thinking back to weeks and weeks ago, and then I thought back even further, to months and months ago. I could see how the "barrier" was being built around me. This barrier was weighing me down, the stronger it got, the more it took over my life. A slow process. I could see myself all those months ago, how I lived. Then I looked at myself and how I was weeks ago. I could see how the weight of the barrier had totally run me down in to the ground, breaking me mentally, physically and emotionally. Now I'm at the stage that I have to build myself up again..mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm doing the work and the rebuilding now has to be done in a different way. The new energy is like the key to my new life and with this "new life" come new ways. I can see the process so clearly. It's like Diann said yesterday.."you're building foundations"..or "you're sewing a seed".
I'll get to know what it is I want and I'll adjust my ways of thinking. I know I will and it will save me and set me free from Anna. It will just take time.. It's a journey I'm taking..I don't yet know the destination, but I shouldn't focus on that..it will come to me with time.
What is a person supposed to do with so many hours in a day? Is it possible to fill them? Is it possible to know what you're doing isn't a waste of time, even when that's how it looks to others and also how it feels to yourself? How do I fill it, when I don't want to do anything? If I'm feeling down, I don't want to occupy myself..I don't want to watch any more tv, I don't want to read any more books, I'm sick of writing and focusing on Anna, I'm scared to browse on the Internet because I'll come across things that I'll want to do but can't which will make me feel even more down. I would like to do a course.. but I'm scared that I'll be doing it for the wrong reasons and to be "productive"..I'll start something just for the sake of it and it will be a waste..
This feeling comes and goes. I just have to try not focus on it too much and remind myself..I've felt this before and it has passed, so it will pass again. So far, the past months, fighting Anna can be compared to a full-time job. I know a lot you think I'm doing nothing and probably don't understand how I've managed to NOT go crazy, being cooped up the house day in day out. But recovering from anorexia doesn't happen if you don't work for it and fight against it. It isn't effortless and doesn't come naturally. Whenever I'm feeling bad, all my energy goes into fighting Anna, be it with food or emotions. Fighting her can occupy me for hours and it drains me just as much as "hard day at the office" can. Not only the constant eating, rebuilding a new relationship with food, storing energy and caring for myself, but also realizing things and placing them where they're needed to be placed, dealing with it and relating them to my situation, my life or decisions I've made, finding answers from within to the questions that I constantly ask myself, searching for myself again, finding what it is that got me here and figuring out how to get through it, keeping up the strength to keep on going and constantly being aware of what's going on with me as well as just "being me". O yeah-the stage I'm at right now-It's so important for me to save and rebuild the strength in my legs and heart. 2 things that need to be taken care of, because without either, I'm going nowhere.
But now that I've got more energy, a full-time job will slowly become a part-time job. But because I'm breaking old habits, I have to learn what it is I now should do because I'm not allowed to give it to Anna and make her stronger. Whenever Anna is bothering me, she just wants me to be miserable and not do anything with the energy..ONLY if it's active and keeping busy in the wrong ways. This leaves me with a feeling of agitation and frustration and I would just prefer to sit in bed staring into space doing nothing for hours and hours.. She won't let me live a life I want, she won't let me fill a day the way I would want (not that I know how I want to fill my days, but that's besides the point).
Old habits die hard. It's so true. Years you lived according to them, so now they're gone or you need to let them go, but you're not too sure what's left. So what do you do?
It's such a slow process to break away from them. But I can see it so clearly. When I was walking around the shops on Sunday afternoon, I could see it all so clearly, for about 15 minutes.. (Yeah, I was buzzing and feeling all energized and great as I walked around, but 20 minutes later it all started to drain slowly out of me, but that's not what I'm getting at..). As I walked around, I was thinking back to weeks and weeks ago, and then I thought back even further, to months and months ago. I could see how the "barrier" was being built around me. This barrier was weighing me down, the stronger it got, the more it took over my life. A slow process. I could see myself all those months ago, how I lived. Then I looked at myself and how I was weeks ago. I could see how the weight of the barrier had totally run me down in to the ground, breaking me mentally, physically and emotionally. Now I'm at the stage that I have to build myself up again..mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm doing the work and the rebuilding now has to be done in a different way. The new energy is like the key to my new life and with this "new life" come new ways. I can see the process so clearly. It's like Diann said yesterday.."you're building foundations"..or "you're sewing a seed".
I'll get to know what it is I want and I'll adjust my ways of thinking. I know I will and it will save me and set me free from Anna. It will just take time.. It's a journey I'm taking..I don't yet know the destination, but I shouldn't focus on that..it will come to me with time.
A greasy chip and a bar of chocolate..
It's Tuesday morning..yet again. I slept well, which I'm real happy about. It was a real deep sleep, when you feel extremely heavy.
I had this awful dream though. I was forced to have a massive fat greasy chip FOR MY BREAKFAST.. Wasn't too happy about that. I woke up and was so happy that it didn't happen in real life. In my dream I could actually feel the fat racing through my veins. So disgusting. When I woke, I was really looking forward to my healthy breakfast that I've chosen to eat. Nobody will force me.
I'm just about to have the slice of toast. It's that time again. The past week, I've really struggled with it..every day. I've tried every different kind of bread.. From wholemeal, to wholegrain and from multi seed to homemade brown.. Analyzing which slice is bigger or smaller, which one has the worst or most different kinds of fats and sugars and the least amount of calories. Experimenting which one digests better and which kind of bread makes me feel less full. That's what the first four days last week were like. But the fifth day I didn't have it and by the sixth I just ate it and had to force myself to stop driving myself crazy..and tell myself..It's only a slice of bread..
Yesterday i ate it, and I'm just about to have it now again. I've haven't settled for a particular type, or else I'll get fixated and obsessed with the one kind of bread and all the other kinds will become "forbidden food".. that's what I have to avoid. So now I'm having wholegrain..with a scraping of butter. It's actually really tasty..But that will have to our secret..because nobody is allowed to know.
The piece of toast reminds me of the supermarket, which brings up something else.. The past weeks, standing in supermarket has a total different meaning than it used to have... I'm now, all of a sudden, allowed to have anything I want. The barrier has gone that was ALWAYS standing between me and the chocolate and buiscuit counter. If I want to, I can just reach out, pick up this bar of chocolate, pay for it, bring it home, sit on the sofa and enjoy it with a cup of tea. I could do that, it's allowed. Why wasn't it allowed for so long? I would always drool, but I would never give in. I would never let myself have that treat. Now it's allowed, but then it wasn't. But who wouldn't let me have it back then and who is letting me have it now? There was never anybody standing over me, telling me I have to stick to my "diet" and that I'm not allowed to give in to temptation. Only Anna that is. But nobody else would have looked me and class me as a pig for giving in. Only I would have done. I couldn't let myself be weak, I couldn't let myself give into having the chocolate because it's so nice then surely it has to be bad. Therefore I was being bad and the feeling of having the chocolate wouldn't disappear for days. No matter how small or big the piece of chocolate would be. The fact that I had enjoyed it and done my body damage by putting fat into my body, was too much.
But now, I probably should be giving in. To cure cravings, it's wise to have a little, every so often. I'm not sure if I do crave chocolate at the moment. Sometimes if there's an ad on telly I would drool. But that's it. Months ago it was I would crave it more than I do now. Maybe because the barrier is gone, and I'm allowed it, and should have it, as part of my recovery and to narrow down the "forbidden foods", but I don't really want it. It could also be because I'm eating other foods that keep my blood sugar levels steady and I therefore don't want sweet things.. I'm not too sure.
The supermarket is like a world of opportunities.. I look at it in a different light, each time I walk around it. Sometimes, it's scary, because if I were to loose control over myself, I would go mental and would want everything in sight (I can't see that happening somehow, but still..). Sometimes it's glorious, because all the different food are so delicious and can be so nutritious, and there's so many different foods to enjoy. Sometimes it disgusts me. Everybody I see walking around with their trolley, filling them up with more and more food which they'll be putting through their bodies at some stage during the week.. And then I'd start to look at the groceries they're buying.. I would either be slightly jealous for all the healthy food they'll be enjoying or I'd just feel ill.. it depends on the day, it depends on my mood. At one stage I wondered why on earth people ever invented supermarkets..?? What's the point? All that food, it would have to go to waste surely?! Isn't it impossible for it all to be eaten..it too much..
These opinions are changing though. The more weeks that pass, the more a supermarket becomes normal. Because it is just a normal thing. It's something people can't be without, it's apart of daily life..
Supermarkets with food that I'm allowed to eat..
I had this awful dream though. I was forced to have a massive fat greasy chip FOR MY BREAKFAST.. Wasn't too happy about that. I woke up and was so happy that it didn't happen in real life. In my dream I could actually feel the fat racing through my veins. So disgusting. When I woke, I was really looking forward to my healthy breakfast that I've chosen to eat. Nobody will force me.
I'm just about to have the slice of toast. It's that time again. The past week, I've really struggled with it..every day. I've tried every different kind of bread.. From wholemeal, to wholegrain and from multi seed to homemade brown.. Analyzing which slice is bigger or smaller, which one has the worst or most different kinds of fats and sugars and the least amount of calories. Experimenting which one digests better and which kind of bread makes me feel less full. That's what the first four days last week were like. But the fifth day I didn't have it and by the sixth I just ate it and had to force myself to stop driving myself crazy..and tell myself..It's only a slice of bread..
Yesterday i ate it, and I'm just about to have it now again. I've haven't settled for a particular type, or else I'll get fixated and obsessed with the one kind of bread and all the other kinds will become "forbidden food".. that's what I have to avoid. So now I'm having wholegrain..with a scraping of butter. It's actually really tasty..But that will have to our secret..because nobody is allowed to know.
The piece of toast reminds me of the supermarket, which brings up something else.. The past weeks, standing in supermarket has a total different meaning than it used to have... I'm now, all of a sudden, allowed to have anything I want. The barrier has gone that was ALWAYS standing between me and the chocolate and buiscuit counter. If I want to, I can just reach out, pick up this bar of chocolate, pay for it, bring it home, sit on the sofa and enjoy it with a cup of tea. I could do that, it's allowed. Why wasn't it allowed for so long? I would always drool, but I would never give in. I would never let myself have that treat. Now it's allowed, but then it wasn't. But who wouldn't let me have it back then and who is letting me have it now? There was never anybody standing over me, telling me I have to stick to my "diet" and that I'm not allowed to give in to temptation. Only Anna that is. But nobody else would have looked me and class me as a pig for giving in. Only I would have done. I couldn't let myself be weak, I couldn't let myself give into having the chocolate because it's so nice then surely it has to be bad. Therefore I was being bad and the feeling of having the chocolate wouldn't disappear for days. No matter how small or big the piece of chocolate would be. The fact that I had enjoyed it and done my body damage by putting fat into my body, was too much.
But now, I probably should be giving in. To cure cravings, it's wise to have a little, every so often. I'm not sure if I do crave chocolate at the moment. Sometimes if there's an ad on telly I would drool. But that's it. Months ago it was I would crave it more than I do now. Maybe because the barrier is gone, and I'm allowed it, and should have it, as part of my recovery and to narrow down the "forbidden foods", but I don't really want it. It could also be because I'm eating other foods that keep my blood sugar levels steady and I therefore don't want sweet things.. I'm not too sure.
The supermarket is like a world of opportunities.. I look at it in a different light, each time I walk around it. Sometimes, it's scary, because if I were to loose control over myself, I would go mental and would want everything in sight (I can't see that happening somehow, but still..). Sometimes it's glorious, because all the different food are so delicious and can be so nutritious, and there's so many different foods to enjoy. Sometimes it disgusts me. Everybody I see walking around with their trolley, filling them up with more and more food which they'll be putting through their bodies at some stage during the week.. And then I'd start to look at the groceries they're buying.. I would either be slightly jealous for all the healthy food they'll be enjoying or I'd just feel ill.. it depends on the day, it depends on my mood. At one stage I wondered why on earth people ever invented supermarkets..?? What's the point? All that food, it would have to go to waste surely?! Isn't it impossible for it all to be eaten..it too much..
These opinions are changing though. The more weeks that pass, the more a supermarket becomes normal. Because it is just a normal thing. It's something people can't be without, it's apart of daily life..
Supermarkets with food that I'm allowed to eat..
Diamonds are forever
I had a dream a few nights ago. In this dream, from one day to the next I put on so much weight. I was over 50 kilo's and was chubby and looked disgusting. In my dream, Mam was also disgusted and told me how ugly I was for putting on so much weight. She couldn't understand how I let myself get like this..? How did I let it get out of control? Obviously, this was just my own reflection..this is how I view myself and I therefore think that's how others look towards me too and in my dream Mam was expressing the thoughts I have towards myself. What am I so scared of? Why is it such a big deal for me to stay skinny?
Over the past years, I've been constantly coming and going. This means that I've always been saying goodbye to people and being reunited with them after months and months of missing them. Saying goodbye to people is a part of my life. Ever since I can remember, I would always associate being "reunited" with my family and friends, with the thoughts of "will they think I've put on weight? will they think I'm looking happy?"
Every single trip I've made, that's always been the worry I would have..I led myself to believe that if I would have put on weight or look unhealthy, then they'd think that I wasn't happy. I would think that they would think that I hadn't lived the dream while I was on my travels which would then make me think that they would think I should just stay in familiar surroundings and settle down. For them to think like that, would make me feel like a failure. I would be afraid that they would see me a failure for not looking well, healthy and fulfilled.. How complicated is this? It's a typical example of the "reflection". I'm was filling in THEIR thoughts with MY OWN. I was seeing my own opinion of myself in THEM. If I think about it rationally, I KNOW that's not how they think. But it's how I see MYSELF and I therefore would think that they saw it the same way. Deep down, I know that nobody would ever think any less of me, if I go away for months and come back 10 kilo's heavier. (another example of the reflection..a girl isn't confident about herself and feels ugly. However the outside world wouldn't see it at all like that, but this girl is so convinced that she's ugly that she believes the outside world sees it the same way..)
When I went to Austria in 2004, everybody knows that after 4 months I came back like a little Michelin Man.. or just a Michelin head (and nose..haha, we've all had laughs about that..). But nobody thought any less of me. I had the best 4 months of my life. I was 5 kilo's heavier and I looked healthy, and I was happy. Back then I didn't think twice about the weight I had put on. It wasn't an issue. I didn't hate myself and neither did anybody else.
But then, going to Australia in 2006, everyone said I would put on weight. I wanted to prove everybody wrong. I wanted to show all the people around me that I wasn't like every other backpacker who goes away for a year and comes back 5 or 10 kilo's heavier. So that's what I did. I wasn't going to fail and I was going to prove that I'm not a failure. From the second week I was in Oz, I went on a "health binge". I carried this on the whole year, just so that, when I was to come back a year later, people would think I was was looking great, because I wouldn't have put on any weight. If I were to loose weight I would look happy. Everybody would be convinced that traveling was the thing for me. But in reality, instead of making everybody pleased to see me looking so well (as I thought I did), I gave everyone a massive shock. So what did I prove? Absolutely nothing, I didn't need to prove anything the anybody and I didn't need to convince anybody of anything either. Again, it was all towards myself, I was proving it to myself and convincing myself.. Looking back, now, it's safe to say that I associated being happy with weighing 40 kilo's.. I was scared that people would see me a failure, when in fact, it was ME that would see MYSELF as the failure. There's nobody in my world that judges me by my weight. But I judge myself by my weight and because of this, I seem to think others do as well. But that's the "reflection" and it's so so wrong.
Why do I judge myself this way? I don't judge anybody else this way. Friends of mine have put on weight, lost weight and gained again, and I still love them just as much.. If somebody is happy, then they're happy, no matter what their weight. Happiness on the inside, will make a person glow on the outside. That's what I want for everybody that's close to me. So why don't I want that for myself? I'm not a bully, I don't want others to be bullied. But I've been bullying myself..
When I came back from Oz, everyone thought or probably knew that something was really wrong. If it was self-inflicted or not, something was up. I wasn't happy, deep down, but I didn't know this at the time. However, me not being happy within myself, didn't make anybody think less of me. My family and friends were still there. My family still loved me, even if I had been doing damage to my health. My friends were also still there. So if I were to be 20 kilo's heavier than I am now, they would still be there. Because I am still me. Just muddled and lost.
It's so clear to me now. Diann was talking yesterday about self-worth and the diamond..I've spoken about this a lot of times, but the more I repeat it, the clearer it becomes. She was explaining that the gift every single person is born with, is always there. It's what makes a person who they are. Your self esteem is the way you express your gift to world. And this gift can shine which makes you shine, if you let it. It can come to light when a person is true to who they really are, but can also be disguised by certain behaviour.
I started behaving a certain way because I believed it was right. I got lost, and Anna took over. Changing the behaviour caused by Anna, will force me to find my self worth. Once I find this, I can choose how to express it, through my self esteem, which will give me a sense of fulfillment. (self esteem isn't to be confused with confidence though). Self esteem is the "doing" word of self worth. Knowing the gift you were born with and your self worth, will also make you cherish yourself as a person. Certain behaviour can make everything foggy and hazy and it can lead you to believe you are a bad person which results in self-loathe and this, in turn, leads to an even darker place. Because if you don't love yourself, how can you express love towards people and life and also how can you except love from people and life? What point has life got if you don't feel any of this? Going through life hating everything and everyone, including yourself.. Think about it? Isn't that just such a waste? It's a miserable way to be and an awful life to live..doom and gloom from morning till night, day in day out..Who would want to live a life like that? Having so much hatred only makes you wish your life away..So what's the point in living?
It might all sound pretty far fetched, over the top and spiritual. But just looking at it logically and rationally, doesn't it make so much sense? I guess the point I'm making is that without self worth, what are we? Shouldn't we learn to love ourselves and look after and cherish ourselves and the people and things in life that MAKE our lives? Because without the things we value in life, WHAT IS OUR LIFE? But discovering your values, finding your diamond and letting it shine, isn't easy..
Letting the diamond shine and being true to yourself and getting fulfillment by doing this, is that what it's all about? We aren't only worthy people because of the things we do during the day. Diann was saying yesterday, that we all have several roles in life. For example: A woman can be a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a friend and a party animal. Daily life revolves around filling these roles and being a happy person while doing them and knowing you're doing the work well. So what happens if this woman gets fired and is no longer a teacher. Will she feel worthless every night because she isn't getting the fulfillment during the day by being a teacher? Well, if this woman identifies herself as "being a teacher" and then it's gone, she can lose her feeling of "being worthy", because that may have been the only source she had of getting fulfillment from. However if she sees being a teacher as a job, it's a different case. As Diann said yesterday..it's not the job a person does, it's the work. There's a difference between the two. The work we do, is what makes the gift we were born with, come to life. The gift can shine through by fulfilling any of our roles on a daily basis. Example: A nurse. She cares for people from day to day. It's what she does best. Then she's retired. Her livelyhood is gone, the job is no longer there, but she'll still continue to do the work by maybe caring for her ill friends or family members. The diamond continues to shine whether she's wearing a nursing uniform or not. She's still feeling worthy as a person and is using her gift.
I think this was such a wise lesson, even though we have talked about it many times and I've even discussed it with Mr. Acupuncturist, but each time it's so nice to hear and makes so much sense as well. Diann then related it to me. By letting myself just be me, by breaking down old habits, I'll learn my values and I'll realize what I treasure in life. I'll discover my self worth and see the gift. I will be able to make decisions that are right for me and I will be able to trust myself. I'll be making decisions based on my values. I'll be able to use my self esteem to express my self worth. I'll be able to get from life exactly what it is I want, what it is is treasure, what it is I value.
I know now why all this reflecting and soul-searching is so vital for my recovery. I know that this time is needed. I also know that I got lost over the past years and that I need to "find myself" again. It can be so complex, but logical at the same time. What I was talking about earlier, about coming back from Oz and wanting to look healthy and happy by loosing weight, just shows that I've been living my life so wrong. I've been associating starvation and weight loss with happiness and self worth. But I have a gift, that will shine, and I'll know what purpose I have and therefore feel a worthy person no matter what my weight is, no matter what job I'm doing or how much I travel. I'll be comfortable with myself on the inside and outside. I'll feel fulfilled, once I know what I treasure and value in life. Achieving things will no longer be a goal. Without achievement I already deserve a life. I'll know how to let it shine and I'll know what will make me happy.
Some people aren't aware of the work they're doing or of the gift they were given. Example: The tea-lady who serves tea all day long, chats to her customers from day to day, and gives them a few words of wisdom whenever they need it or a shoulder to cry on. She's touching these people's lives without her realizing it. She's making a difference without having a degree in psychology or without ever having received a reward for "business person of the year". This tea-lady doesn't know the work she's doing but she's doing it, because it comes natural. It's a second nature..it's her gift and she's shining, she's happy and she's fulfilled. A special lady that everybody loves.
So a lesson on the "shiny diamond" yet again..I sat yesterday with Diann, it was all so hard to grasp when she was talking, I was feeling so low and down in the dumps which can make it so hard to make sense. But I can see it now and I love it so much..
Over the past years, I've been constantly coming and going. This means that I've always been saying goodbye to people and being reunited with them after months and months of missing them. Saying goodbye to people is a part of my life. Ever since I can remember, I would always associate being "reunited" with my family and friends, with the thoughts of "will they think I've put on weight? will they think I'm looking happy?"
Every single trip I've made, that's always been the worry I would have..I led myself to believe that if I would have put on weight or look unhealthy, then they'd think that I wasn't happy. I would think that they would think that I hadn't lived the dream while I was on my travels which would then make me think that they would think I should just stay in familiar surroundings and settle down. For them to think like that, would make me feel like a failure. I would be afraid that they would see me a failure for not looking well, healthy and fulfilled.. How complicated is this? It's a typical example of the "reflection". I'm was filling in THEIR thoughts with MY OWN. I was seeing my own opinion of myself in THEM. If I think about it rationally, I KNOW that's not how they think. But it's how I see MYSELF and I therefore would think that they saw it the same way. Deep down, I know that nobody would ever think any less of me, if I go away for months and come back 10 kilo's heavier. (another example of the reflection..a girl isn't confident about herself and feels ugly. However the outside world wouldn't see it at all like that, but this girl is so convinced that she's ugly that she believes the outside world sees it the same way..)
When I went to Austria in 2004, everybody knows that after 4 months I came back like a little Michelin Man.. or just a Michelin head (and nose..haha, we've all had laughs about that..). But nobody thought any less of me. I had the best 4 months of my life. I was 5 kilo's heavier and I looked healthy, and I was happy. Back then I didn't think twice about the weight I had put on. It wasn't an issue. I didn't hate myself and neither did anybody else.
But then, going to Australia in 2006, everyone said I would put on weight. I wanted to prove everybody wrong. I wanted to show all the people around me that I wasn't like every other backpacker who goes away for a year and comes back 5 or 10 kilo's heavier. So that's what I did. I wasn't going to fail and I was going to prove that I'm not a failure. From the second week I was in Oz, I went on a "health binge". I carried this on the whole year, just so that, when I was to come back a year later, people would think I was was looking great, because I wouldn't have put on any weight. If I were to loose weight I would look happy. Everybody would be convinced that traveling was the thing for me. But in reality, instead of making everybody pleased to see me looking so well (as I thought I did), I gave everyone a massive shock. So what did I prove? Absolutely nothing, I didn't need to prove anything the anybody and I didn't need to convince anybody of anything either. Again, it was all towards myself, I was proving it to myself and convincing myself.. Looking back, now, it's safe to say that I associated being happy with weighing 40 kilo's.. I was scared that people would see me a failure, when in fact, it was ME that would see MYSELF as the failure. There's nobody in my world that judges me by my weight. But I judge myself by my weight and because of this, I seem to think others do as well. But that's the "reflection" and it's so so wrong.
Why do I judge myself this way? I don't judge anybody else this way. Friends of mine have put on weight, lost weight and gained again, and I still love them just as much.. If somebody is happy, then they're happy, no matter what their weight. Happiness on the inside, will make a person glow on the outside. That's what I want for everybody that's close to me. So why don't I want that for myself? I'm not a bully, I don't want others to be bullied. But I've been bullying myself..
When I came back from Oz, everyone thought or probably knew that something was really wrong. If it was self-inflicted or not, something was up. I wasn't happy, deep down, but I didn't know this at the time. However, me not being happy within myself, didn't make anybody think less of me. My family and friends were still there. My family still loved me, even if I had been doing damage to my health. My friends were also still there. So if I were to be 20 kilo's heavier than I am now, they would still be there. Because I am still me. Just muddled and lost.
It's so clear to me now. Diann was talking yesterday about self-worth and the diamond..I've spoken about this a lot of times, but the more I repeat it, the clearer it becomes. She was explaining that the gift every single person is born with, is always there. It's what makes a person who they are. Your self esteem is the way you express your gift to world. And this gift can shine which makes you shine, if you let it. It can come to light when a person is true to who they really are, but can also be disguised by certain behaviour.
I started behaving a certain way because I believed it was right. I got lost, and Anna took over. Changing the behaviour caused by Anna, will force me to find my self worth. Once I find this, I can choose how to express it, through my self esteem, which will give me a sense of fulfillment. (self esteem isn't to be confused with confidence though). Self esteem is the "doing" word of self worth. Knowing the gift you were born with and your self worth, will also make you cherish yourself as a person. Certain behaviour can make everything foggy and hazy and it can lead you to believe you are a bad person which results in self-loathe and this, in turn, leads to an even darker place. Because if you don't love yourself, how can you express love towards people and life and also how can you except love from people and life? What point has life got if you don't feel any of this? Going through life hating everything and everyone, including yourself.. Think about it? Isn't that just such a waste? It's a miserable way to be and an awful life to live..doom and gloom from morning till night, day in day out..Who would want to live a life like that? Having so much hatred only makes you wish your life away..So what's the point in living?
It might all sound pretty far fetched, over the top and spiritual. But just looking at it logically and rationally, doesn't it make so much sense? I guess the point I'm making is that without self worth, what are we? Shouldn't we learn to love ourselves and look after and cherish ourselves and the people and things in life that MAKE our lives? Because without the things we value in life, WHAT IS OUR LIFE? But discovering your values, finding your diamond and letting it shine, isn't easy..
Letting the diamond shine and being true to yourself and getting fulfillment by doing this, is that what it's all about? We aren't only worthy people because of the things we do during the day. Diann was saying yesterday, that we all have several roles in life. For example: A woman can be a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a friend and a party animal. Daily life revolves around filling these roles and being a happy person while doing them and knowing you're doing the work well. So what happens if this woman gets fired and is no longer a teacher. Will she feel worthless every night because she isn't getting the fulfillment during the day by being a teacher? Well, if this woman identifies herself as "being a teacher" and then it's gone, she can lose her feeling of "being worthy", because that may have been the only source she had of getting fulfillment from. However if she sees being a teacher as a job, it's a different case. As Diann said yesterday..it's not the job a person does, it's the work. There's a difference between the two. The work we do, is what makes the gift we were born with, come to life. The gift can shine through by fulfilling any of our roles on a daily basis. Example: A nurse. She cares for people from day to day. It's what she does best. Then she's retired. Her livelyhood is gone, the job is no longer there, but she'll still continue to do the work by maybe caring for her ill friends or family members. The diamond continues to shine whether she's wearing a nursing uniform or not. She's still feeling worthy as a person and is using her gift.
I think this was such a wise lesson, even though we have talked about it many times and I've even discussed it with Mr. Acupuncturist, but each time it's so nice to hear and makes so much sense as well. Diann then related it to me. By letting myself just be me, by breaking down old habits, I'll learn my values and I'll realize what I treasure in life. I'll discover my self worth and see the gift. I will be able to make decisions that are right for me and I will be able to trust myself. I'll be making decisions based on my values. I'll be able to use my self esteem to express my self worth. I'll be able to get from life exactly what it is I want, what it is is treasure, what it is I value.
I know now why all this reflecting and soul-searching is so vital for my recovery. I know that this time is needed. I also know that I got lost over the past years and that I need to "find myself" again. It can be so complex, but logical at the same time. What I was talking about earlier, about coming back from Oz and wanting to look healthy and happy by loosing weight, just shows that I've been living my life so wrong. I've been associating starvation and weight loss with happiness and self worth. But I have a gift, that will shine, and I'll know what purpose I have and therefore feel a worthy person no matter what my weight is, no matter what job I'm doing or how much I travel. I'll be comfortable with myself on the inside and outside. I'll feel fulfilled, once I know what I treasure and value in life. Achieving things will no longer be a goal. Without achievement I already deserve a life. I'll know how to let it shine and I'll know what will make me happy.
Some people aren't aware of the work they're doing or of the gift they were given. Example: The tea-lady who serves tea all day long, chats to her customers from day to day, and gives them a few words of wisdom whenever they need it or a shoulder to cry on. She's touching these people's lives without her realizing it. She's making a difference without having a degree in psychology or without ever having received a reward for "business person of the year". This tea-lady doesn't know the work she's doing but she's doing it, because it comes natural. It's a second nature..it's her gift and she's shining, she's happy and she's fulfilled. A special lady that everybody loves.
So a lesson on the "shiny diamond" yet again..I sat yesterday with Diann, it was all so hard to grasp when she was talking, I was feeling so low and down in the dumps which can make it so hard to make sense. But I can see it now and I love it so much..
Monday, October 6, 2008
Chaos and Mayhem..or just a Drama Queen?
An hour with Diann that was muddled, or more to the point, I was muddled, so that's how the session turned out.
The past week I thought was pretty okay, nothing drastic and I was normal, but looking back it actually wasn't. I seemed fine, everyone thought I was as well, just as I did. However there is so much more that was going on underneath. I looked like all I was doing was, sitting around, reading, watching dvds and daytime telly, writing on my blog and eating. Nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to my life these days. But every day there was something moving, something being triggered or something and someone being ignored.
I'm not too sure where to start. It seems so much, maybe too much for me to get my head around. I'd love to bullet-point it..just to make it all clear and structured, but it isn't that simple, I wish it was. Everything is linked together, one issue has to do with the next.. one big whirlwind..nothing can be seen as something "on it's own"..Because nothing is ever that easy these days.
Last night, Sunday (05-10) I lay awake, on the verge of breaking. Well that's how it felt. I knew before I went to bed, that I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I was reading for a while, doing my best to concentrate on the book. But I couldn't. My mind was racing, everything just going mental, running around and keeping me awake. Reading was no use. I then gave it my best shot to fall a sleep. When I had my eyes closed it was chaos. Total and utter mayhem. Opening my eyes and staring at the ceiling was more comforting than having them shut. Closing my eyes was encouraging and forcing myself to be alone with my own thoughts, thoughts that I couldn't handle and couldn't deal with. It was too much and I realized that the past week I had kept too much to myself. During the week so many things popped into my head, but I never wrote about them, I didn't tell anyone. Instead I just put certain words and phrases down on little pieces of paper that I would constantly have in my pocket. That way I'd have access to these all the time hoping that it would help me to let go of the thoughts. But instead they just all hung around and I had so many pieces of paper with so many issues, thoughts and realizations, that I couldn't keep track.
Eventually I got to sleep after working it the other way around...Whenever you try to go to sleep as quickly as possible, you never can. But when you try to stay awake all night, you never can either. So I forced myself to stay awake, and thankfully the night turned into morning, and I would soon be able to work through the past week with Diann.
My week always begins on a Tuesday. It stops on a Sunday. Monday is my "transition-day". The week started off okay, and Tuesday was normal. I was working through my session with Diann, as usual, and I was feeling okay. Wednesday morning I went to acupuncture and it was fine. I was feeling pretty good. This carried on throughout the afternoon. I was chatting, interacting, being sociable and I was feeling pretty normal, I was just being myself. Everyone at home was in a good mood. But it soon got too much. Eileen asked me to out for a drink. I said yes, without giving it a second thought. But these days I shouldn't do anything spontaneously because it overwhelms me. My first reaction SHOULD be .."maybe", then I have to let the idea grow on me, and usually I end up saying yes. But on this particular day, I blurted out "yes". Instantly I regretted it. But I hoped I would feel able for it later on. 5 minutes later there was talk about Eileen making traveling plans. She wants to go to Oz next year. Nothing is definite but she'd love to make it happen. That's pretty cool and I really hope she does it. But at that very instant, when she started talking about it, something happened. I still don't know what it was, but I went to bed and cried my heart out. I felt like somebody was ripping my insides to pieces (I know it may sound melodramatic, but I can't describe it any other way). I felt like I was never going to be able to stop crying, it felt like the end of the world and I was trapped..Wanting something so badly and not being able to have it, I thought I was never going to recover.. I was heart-broken. I didn't go out for a drink that night, I was too distraught and I spent the night watching dvds up in my bed..wishing the night away.
The next morning I was awake from 5 oclock and was sitting drinking my tea at that hour, down stairs on the sofa. I've already analyzed this day and have come to the conclusion that I was being controlled by Anna, who wouldn't let me go to bed in the afternoon even though I was dog tired and who managed to keep me busy for 18 hours..(I mean what is a person supposed to do with 18 hours??).. on the day itself, I was feeling fine, I was able to do everything and I was feeling fine about keeping busy. But because I was feeling fine, it didn't feel like Anna was bullying me at the time so it was a good day, but on hindsight, it was bad. My old habits were taking over...
It continued on Friday. I was chatty, sociable and normal. But sleep was something I wasn't getting, not properly anyhow since Tuesday.. Since Wednesday I was agitated and restless. So I was just doing my thing, doing what I do best.. And that's: -Worrying about my job and about what I want to do in months down the line -Looking for flights to Canada, New Zealand, Melbourne, Mexico, Hongkong... -Planning my future... All in all, torturing myself by focusing on things that I can't have at the moment, just to make myself feel worse, and looking for answers to questions I'm not even sure I have..
Then on Friday night I could feel it all starting to "brew". I was starting to feel awful, drained, agitated and frustrated. Looking back I know why. I can see now what I was doing on Thursday and Friday. I was doing all the things I shouldn't be doing. I was back to my "old ways". Since the acupuncture I was feeling all this energy. Too much energy started to make me feel restless and frustrated. I didn't know what to do with it. So automatically I went back to my old ways. (If I was to be honest, I didn't want to do anything..I didn't want to go out, didn't want to watch telly, or lie in bed or watch a dvd or go on the computer..nothing..) I was thinking and worrying about things that really aren't relevant. Planning ahead and feeling the need to go go go..when I haven't got a clue where I want to go and for what reasons. The combination of Wednesday night's episode, and Thursday being exactly 2 years since I headed off on my travels, and then Friday wanting to sort out my life.. It all got a bit much. I was setting myself up for a minor set-back..
That's when Saturday morning arrived. This was probably one of the worst days I've had in weeks, in terms of "doom and gloom caused by Anna". I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to watch a dvd, I couldn't let myself watch tv, I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to go back to bed.. There was absolutely nothing that I wanted to do. All I wanted was silence and to just lie down and do nothing. I didn't want to be here, in this life.. I wanted to shut out the whole world and didn't want or dare think about everybody else living their lives. I hated the world, hated normal life, hated absolutely everything. So for hours I just lay in bed listening to nothing, I just lay there. Thoughts of food were mainly on my mind. I had thankfully already had my breakfast.. But that's when I wanted to stop. So I didn't have the toast at 11. I then was battling with the thoughts of not having my supplement. I thought..If I just lie here, time will pass, as will the opportunity for me to have my drink..I'll just keep on lying here. But by 1.30 in the afternoon I had to switch off Anna. I could see that just by skipping the slice of toast I was giving her strength. You know the phrase "give an inch and she'll take a mile"..That's exactly how I can describe it, how cheeky was she!! It so was hard then for me to have the drink, but I did. The worst thing was.. the day had only just begun. I didn't know how I was going to get through all the eating I still had to do before it was time to go to bed and do it all over again the next day.. I had visions of me not being able to stop the tears with every bite and every mouthful. But I had to do it. So once it was time for me to have my potato and sausage, I didn't, I had a bowl of muesli instead. I thought it was better to have the muesli than nothing at all. But I then skipped my next supplement and my extra's. I had dinner and a muesli bar and my supplement before the day was over. I didn't do too bad. But I just couldn't get over the fact of how strong she got, so quick and easy and then how hard it was to fight and get back on track..
It was doom and gloom and I didn't want this life, I didn't want to live. It's been weeks since I had it this bad. It was frightening and shocking all over again. Especially because I felt like I was so normal again and that I was doing so well.. Looking back it was Anna all along.
As I lay on the couch on Saturday afternoon, I had these thoughts of what I wanted to do most in the world at that moment. I would have loved to walk out in the torrential rain, get soaked through and maybe get the flu. Then come home and feel like I deserved a cup of tea. What does this mean and what sense does it make? If I do one thing, preferably bad, then I'm allowed to reward myself with something. Another example, on Saturday morning, I wanted to write. But only if I did that, I was allowed to eat. That's how I started planning my day on Saturday when I woke up. The wrong move.
It was still Saturday morning and still hating life and absolutely everything about it..I could suddenly see how people can resort to self-harm. This isn't the first time that I've felt I could relate to it. There's just that one moment, when you feel so so low, you feel you can't go any lower and feel so worthless, that you deserve punishment. It can be the only thing that can make you feel a little bit better. The pain you cause yourself is then a relief and you can continue your daily life feeling "normal" again. It's just like starving.. Ignoring the hunger feeling and letting it get so bad that you know your harming yourself by doing this, but feeling so good while it's happening. Except the process of starving is a slower to get the proper damage done. Self-harm is done in an instant. I'd never go down that road. I'm strong enough to ignore any of those thoughts and I can switch them off. But at that moment, I could only RELATE to it..without considering it.
Saturday ended thankfully. It didn't last forever, as I felt like it would.
The next day, Sunday, I started feeling like I would probably, if I could, inflict mental harm on myself, just to feel better, instead of psychical. I'm not too sure how to explain it. It isn't the first time I've felt like this. It's like the more down or depressed I feel, the better it is..Everybody knows the feeling you have when you care for people so much, you would do anything for them. You just want the people you love to be happy and fulfilled. You would even die for them. Yesterday I wanted to be able to cure everybody else's problems. I didn't want them to have tough times. I wanted to take everything on, because they don't deserve it. I don't know where it came from. I suppose it could be compared to thoughts I was having on Saturday afternoon.."put myself through hell". Why couldn't I take everybody's misery and pain away. I wanted to deal with it for them. Then they could be happy, have the life they deserve and I could bear the weight of the world on my shoulders because I don't mind feeling bad and I'm strong enough to take it. It's okay, I'm used to it and it even makes me feel like I'm serving a purpose.. Anna is just being a bully whenever these thoughts occur.. They've left me before whenever they've come to mind, so they'll leave me again..
It was still Sunday. During the afternoon I was alright though. To start off with. I went shopping for 2 hours but after an hour and a half, I was "kaput". At one stage I just was on the verge of tears I was that exhausted and wanted to go home. I couldn't hack it. I started off on such a "high-note", I was full of energy, but that was soon gone because I pushed too hard. Once I was back home, I was feeling okay again.
But it soon all started.. The thoughts of "mental-harm" arose around the same time as I checked my emails. This "blew me for six".. It was all bad timing really and the fact that I thought I could handle it. What am I talking about? Well, the sum it all up there were a lot plans made for the month of November (I'm going over to Holland for a weekend, and Emma and Orla are coming over here for a weekend, and 2 dears friends suggested coming over as well). All real great, and lots to look forward to and good times ahead. At the same time I took a phone call from Orla (this is still in the same half hour) and I was feeling fine so we had a little chat, then I finished my emails and instantly felt awful. Doom and gloom and utter exhaustion. I felt like I was being pulled in every direction there was. It's hard to explain and probably sounds real stupid, but there were so much "good things coming my way" that I couldn't grasp it all. It didn't make me feel guilty, it just made me feel tired and claustrophobic. I felt like I was being pressurized.. But looking back, I wasn't. There was absolutely no pressure whatsoever. They were to nicest emails I could have gotten, all with good news..There were no expectations from me, there was nothing asked from me. So I don't know why it made me feel that way. I think it just goes to show, that normal daily life, is still too much to deal with. On a different day I probably would have coped with it all a lot better, but, not realizing it at the time, I wasn't having a good day (and was exhausted from shopping for 2 hours). It made me feel like such a hopeless case.. What kind of weak person am I, that I can't deal with such little things? Feeling like this, caught me off gaurd, and again, I wanted the day to end.. But it took forever, because I couldn't sleep..
When I was lying in my bed last night (it's still Sunday 05-10), trying to keep my eyes open, just to fall a sleep, I was being "haunted" by the conversation I had with Orla. I was wrecking my brain as to why I couldn't forget about it. What was the big deal? What was it that was making me so "on-edge"? Well, the realization starting flicking like the light bulb.. While we were chatting I was putting on "the front", I was "pretending". I was all "normal and happy", chatting about the phone call I got during the week from Kelly. But I really didn't want to which is why I felt so awful about it afterwards. This was a good lesson. It shows that whenever I'm not "just being me", I can't let it go. I can't ignore it. I wasn't true to myself and I knew it. I've been "training" myself to "just be me". I'm therefore becoming more aware of how it makes me feel when I'm not "being me".. It took a while for me to see what it was all about and I told Diann this morning, and she praised me for being able to see when I'm not being true to myself. This was a step and if I just keep on being me, Niamh without Anna, then it will become more familiar and more recognizable..
The strangest thing, what yet another conversation on the phone can trigger. (Orla, don't feel bad about any of this, it's fine, it's good and I'm okay with it all..)
As you can tell, I did a lot of the talking during this hour.. and so many tears with so much confusion and all I kept saying was "I keep thinking I'm nearly better, but I'm not".. It's a kick in the teeth everytime and makes me a little bit more scared because I don't know what's ahead or what I'll "be" or get at the end of it all.
It wasn't until I was talking about it all today with Diann, that I saw how Anna was controlling me the last week. I'm getting more energy and so I'm inclined to go back to my old habits and be "productive". This is a word I hate by the way, and I'm not ever going to use it again..from now on it's banned from my vocabulary.. As well as the word "progress". Diann said I have to replace this word with either "recovery" or something else. But not progress..This word seems to haunt me because I'm scared that it might everything is going too fast and that triggers Anna and therefore sets me back again and it all might spiral out of control. Diann said the this dreaded "p" word is linear.. by this she meant that it's -constant-ongoing-upwards in a straight line. But recovery from anorexia isn't like that.. She said I should look at it like circle. It expands and shrinks a little, expands again, maybe more or less than the time before and shrinks a little again. It's never a perfect round circle either.. maybe a little wobbly at times.
So the 2 "p" words are gone.. in the dustbin. They both only trigger Anna and make me feel either overwhelmed, claustrophobic or like I'm being smothered.
I still have to focus on just being me..I'm not to forget it and I need to channel my energy in some other way.. That's the hard part, it's creating new pathways and breaking away..Slowly and ever so painfully..
This was a tough session to say the least and there was a lot more said. It will all come back to me once I've let myself have a proper nights sleep. I'll then be able to process more. It's so difficult some times, but not the end of the world.
I probably shouldn't have bottled up so much this week, but I choose to do it this way, because I was afraid to push myself and do too much to recover.. For fear of triggering Anna as well as losing her and for fear of what's to come and trying to stop it all. But it doesn't stop, because it still all works away underneath the surface, whether I want it or not. This I've come to realize, the hard way..
The past week I thought was pretty okay, nothing drastic and I was normal, but looking back it actually wasn't. I seemed fine, everyone thought I was as well, just as I did. However there is so much more that was going on underneath. I looked like all I was doing was, sitting around, reading, watching dvds and daytime telly, writing on my blog and eating. Nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to my life these days. But every day there was something moving, something being triggered or something and someone being ignored.
I'm not too sure where to start. It seems so much, maybe too much for me to get my head around. I'd love to bullet-point it..just to make it all clear and structured, but it isn't that simple, I wish it was. Everything is linked together, one issue has to do with the next.. one big whirlwind..nothing can be seen as something "on it's own"..Because nothing is ever that easy these days.
Last night, Sunday (05-10) I lay awake, on the verge of breaking. Well that's how it felt. I knew before I went to bed, that I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I was reading for a while, doing my best to concentrate on the book. But I couldn't. My mind was racing, everything just going mental, running around and keeping me awake. Reading was no use. I then gave it my best shot to fall a sleep. When I had my eyes closed it was chaos. Total and utter mayhem. Opening my eyes and staring at the ceiling was more comforting than having them shut. Closing my eyes was encouraging and forcing myself to be alone with my own thoughts, thoughts that I couldn't handle and couldn't deal with. It was too much and I realized that the past week I had kept too much to myself. During the week so many things popped into my head, but I never wrote about them, I didn't tell anyone. Instead I just put certain words and phrases down on little pieces of paper that I would constantly have in my pocket. That way I'd have access to these all the time hoping that it would help me to let go of the thoughts. But instead they just all hung around and I had so many pieces of paper with so many issues, thoughts and realizations, that I couldn't keep track.
Eventually I got to sleep after working it the other way around...Whenever you try to go to sleep as quickly as possible, you never can. But when you try to stay awake all night, you never can either. So I forced myself to stay awake, and thankfully the night turned into morning, and I would soon be able to work through the past week with Diann.
My week always begins on a Tuesday. It stops on a Sunday. Monday is my "transition-day". The week started off okay, and Tuesday was normal. I was working through my session with Diann, as usual, and I was feeling okay. Wednesday morning I went to acupuncture and it was fine. I was feeling pretty good. This carried on throughout the afternoon. I was chatting, interacting, being sociable and I was feeling pretty normal, I was just being myself. Everyone at home was in a good mood. But it soon got too much. Eileen asked me to out for a drink. I said yes, without giving it a second thought. But these days I shouldn't do anything spontaneously because it overwhelms me. My first reaction SHOULD be .."maybe", then I have to let the idea grow on me, and usually I end up saying yes. But on this particular day, I blurted out "yes". Instantly I regretted it. But I hoped I would feel able for it later on. 5 minutes later there was talk about Eileen making traveling plans. She wants to go to Oz next year. Nothing is definite but she'd love to make it happen. That's pretty cool and I really hope she does it. But at that very instant, when she started talking about it, something happened. I still don't know what it was, but I went to bed and cried my heart out. I felt like somebody was ripping my insides to pieces (I know it may sound melodramatic, but I can't describe it any other way). I felt like I was never going to be able to stop crying, it felt like the end of the world and I was trapped..Wanting something so badly and not being able to have it, I thought I was never going to recover.. I was heart-broken. I didn't go out for a drink that night, I was too distraught and I spent the night watching dvds up in my bed..wishing the night away.
The next morning I was awake from 5 oclock and was sitting drinking my tea at that hour, down stairs on the sofa. I've already analyzed this day and have come to the conclusion that I was being controlled by Anna, who wouldn't let me go to bed in the afternoon even though I was dog tired and who managed to keep me busy for 18 hours..(I mean what is a person supposed to do with 18 hours??).. on the day itself, I was feeling fine, I was able to do everything and I was feeling fine about keeping busy. But because I was feeling fine, it didn't feel like Anna was bullying me at the time so it was a good day, but on hindsight, it was bad. My old habits were taking over...
It continued on Friday. I was chatty, sociable and normal. But sleep was something I wasn't getting, not properly anyhow since Tuesday.. Since Wednesday I was agitated and restless. So I was just doing my thing, doing what I do best.. And that's: -Worrying about my job and about what I want to do in months down the line -Looking for flights to Canada, New Zealand, Melbourne, Mexico, Hongkong... -Planning my future... All in all, torturing myself by focusing on things that I can't have at the moment, just to make myself feel worse, and looking for answers to questions I'm not even sure I have..
Then on Friday night I could feel it all starting to "brew". I was starting to feel awful, drained, agitated and frustrated. Looking back I know why. I can see now what I was doing on Thursday and Friday. I was doing all the things I shouldn't be doing. I was back to my "old ways". Since the acupuncture I was feeling all this energy. Too much energy started to make me feel restless and frustrated. I didn't know what to do with it. So automatically I went back to my old ways. (If I was to be honest, I didn't want to do anything..I didn't want to go out, didn't want to watch telly, or lie in bed or watch a dvd or go on the computer..nothing..) I was thinking and worrying about things that really aren't relevant. Planning ahead and feeling the need to go go go..when I haven't got a clue where I want to go and for what reasons. The combination of Wednesday night's episode, and Thursday being exactly 2 years since I headed off on my travels, and then Friday wanting to sort out my life.. It all got a bit much. I was setting myself up for a minor set-back..
That's when Saturday morning arrived. This was probably one of the worst days I've had in weeks, in terms of "doom and gloom caused by Anna". I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to watch a dvd, I couldn't let myself watch tv, I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to go back to bed.. There was absolutely nothing that I wanted to do. All I wanted was silence and to just lie down and do nothing. I didn't want to be here, in this life.. I wanted to shut out the whole world and didn't want or dare think about everybody else living their lives. I hated the world, hated normal life, hated absolutely everything. So for hours I just lay in bed listening to nothing, I just lay there. Thoughts of food were mainly on my mind. I had thankfully already had my breakfast.. But that's when I wanted to stop. So I didn't have the toast at 11. I then was battling with the thoughts of not having my supplement. I thought..If I just lie here, time will pass, as will the opportunity for me to have my drink..I'll just keep on lying here. But by 1.30 in the afternoon I had to switch off Anna. I could see that just by skipping the slice of toast I was giving her strength. You know the phrase "give an inch and she'll take a mile"..That's exactly how I can describe it, how cheeky was she!! It so was hard then for me to have the drink, but I did. The worst thing was.. the day had only just begun. I didn't know how I was going to get through all the eating I still had to do before it was time to go to bed and do it all over again the next day.. I had visions of me not being able to stop the tears with every bite and every mouthful. But I had to do it. So once it was time for me to have my potato and sausage, I didn't, I had a bowl of muesli instead. I thought it was better to have the muesli than nothing at all. But I then skipped my next supplement and my extra's. I had dinner and a muesli bar and my supplement before the day was over. I didn't do too bad. But I just couldn't get over the fact of how strong she got, so quick and easy and then how hard it was to fight and get back on track..
It was doom and gloom and I didn't want this life, I didn't want to live. It's been weeks since I had it this bad. It was frightening and shocking all over again. Especially because I felt like I was so normal again and that I was doing so well.. Looking back it was Anna all along.
As I lay on the couch on Saturday afternoon, I had these thoughts of what I wanted to do most in the world at that moment. I would have loved to walk out in the torrential rain, get soaked through and maybe get the flu. Then come home and feel like I deserved a cup of tea. What does this mean and what sense does it make? If I do one thing, preferably bad, then I'm allowed to reward myself with something. Another example, on Saturday morning, I wanted to write. But only if I did that, I was allowed to eat. That's how I started planning my day on Saturday when I woke up. The wrong move.
It was still Saturday morning and still hating life and absolutely everything about it..I could suddenly see how people can resort to self-harm. This isn't the first time that I've felt I could relate to it. There's just that one moment, when you feel so so low, you feel you can't go any lower and feel so worthless, that you deserve punishment. It can be the only thing that can make you feel a little bit better. The pain you cause yourself is then a relief and you can continue your daily life feeling "normal" again. It's just like starving.. Ignoring the hunger feeling and letting it get so bad that you know your harming yourself by doing this, but feeling so good while it's happening. Except the process of starving is a slower to get the proper damage done. Self-harm is done in an instant. I'd never go down that road. I'm strong enough to ignore any of those thoughts and I can switch them off. But at that moment, I could only RELATE to it..without considering it.
Saturday ended thankfully. It didn't last forever, as I felt like it would.
The next day, Sunday, I started feeling like I would probably, if I could, inflict mental harm on myself, just to feel better, instead of psychical. I'm not too sure how to explain it. It isn't the first time I've felt like this. It's like the more down or depressed I feel, the better it is..Everybody knows the feeling you have when you care for people so much, you would do anything for them. You just want the people you love to be happy and fulfilled. You would even die for them. Yesterday I wanted to be able to cure everybody else's problems. I didn't want them to have tough times. I wanted to take everything on, because they don't deserve it. I don't know where it came from. I suppose it could be compared to thoughts I was having on Saturday afternoon.."put myself through hell". Why couldn't I take everybody's misery and pain away. I wanted to deal with it for them. Then they could be happy, have the life they deserve and I could bear the weight of the world on my shoulders because I don't mind feeling bad and I'm strong enough to take it. It's okay, I'm used to it and it even makes me feel like I'm serving a purpose.. Anna is just being a bully whenever these thoughts occur.. They've left me before whenever they've come to mind, so they'll leave me again..
It was still Sunday. During the afternoon I was alright though. To start off with. I went shopping for 2 hours but after an hour and a half, I was "kaput". At one stage I just was on the verge of tears I was that exhausted and wanted to go home. I couldn't hack it. I started off on such a "high-note", I was full of energy, but that was soon gone because I pushed too hard. Once I was back home, I was feeling okay again.
But it soon all started.. The thoughts of "mental-harm" arose around the same time as I checked my emails. This "blew me for six".. It was all bad timing really and the fact that I thought I could handle it. What am I talking about? Well, the sum it all up there were a lot plans made for the month of November (I'm going over to Holland for a weekend, and Emma and Orla are coming over here for a weekend, and 2 dears friends suggested coming over as well). All real great, and lots to look forward to and good times ahead. At the same time I took a phone call from Orla (this is still in the same half hour) and I was feeling fine so we had a little chat, then I finished my emails and instantly felt awful. Doom and gloom and utter exhaustion. I felt like I was being pulled in every direction there was. It's hard to explain and probably sounds real stupid, but there were so much "good things coming my way" that I couldn't grasp it all. It didn't make me feel guilty, it just made me feel tired and claustrophobic. I felt like I was being pressurized.. But looking back, I wasn't. There was absolutely no pressure whatsoever. They were to nicest emails I could have gotten, all with good news..There were no expectations from me, there was nothing asked from me. So I don't know why it made me feel that way. I think it just goes to show, that normal daily life, is still too much to deal with. On a different day I probably would have coped with it all a lot better, but, not realizing it at the time, I wasn't having a good day (and was exhausted from shopping for 2 hours). It made me feel like such a hopeless case.. What kind of weak person am I, that I can't deal with such little things? Feeling like this, caught me off gaurd, and again, I wanted the day to end.. But it took forever, because I couldn't sleep..
When I was lying in my bed last night (it's still Sunday 05-10), trying to keep my eyes open, just to fall a sleep, I was being "haunted" by the conversation I had with Orla. I was wrecking my brain as to why I couldn't forget about it. What was the big deal? What was it that was making me so "on-edge"? Well, the realization starting flicking like the light bulb.. While we were chatting I was putting on "the front", I was "pretending". I was all "normal and happy", chatting about the phone call I got during the week from Kelly. But I really didn't want to which is why I felt so awful about it afterwards. This was a good lesson. It shows that whenever I'm not "just being me", I can't let it go. I can't ignore it. I wasn't true to myself and I knew it. I've been "training" myself to "just be me". I'm therefore becoming more aware of how it makes me feel when I'm not "being me".. It took a while for me to see what it was all about and I told Diann this morning, and she praised me for being able to see when I'm not being true to myself. This was a step and if I just keep on being me, Niamh without Anna, then it will become more familiar and more recognizable..
The strangest thing, what yet another conversation on the phone can trigger. (Orla, don't feel bad about any of this, it's fine, it's good and I'm okay with it all..)
As you can tell, I did a lot of the talking during this hour.. and so many tears with so much confusion and all I kept saying was "I keep thinking I'm nearly better, but I'm not".. It's a kick in the teeth everytime and makes me a little bit more scared because I don't know what's ahead or what I'll "be" or get at the end of it all.
It wasn't until I was talking about it all today with Diann, that I saw how Anna was controlling me the last week. I'm getting more energy and so I'm inclined to go back to my old habits and be "productive". This is a word I hate by the way, and I'm not ever going to use it again..from now on it's banned from my vocabulary.. As well as the word "progress". Diann said I have to replace this word with either "recovery" or something else. But not progress..This word seems to haunt me because I'm scared that it might everything is going too fast and that triggers Anna and therefore sets me back again and it all might spiral out of control. Diann said the this dreaded "p" word is linear.. by this she meant that it's -constant-ongoing-upwards in a straight line. But recovery from anorexia isn't like that.. She said I should look at it like circle. It expands and shrinks a little, expands again, maybe more or less than the time before and shrinks a little again. It's never a perfect round circle either.. maybe a little wobbly at times.
So the 2 "p" words are gone.. in the dustbin. They both only trigger Anna and make me feel either overwhelmed, claustrophobic or like I'm being smothered.
I still have to focus on just being me..I'm not to forget it and I need to channel my energy in some other way.. That's the hard part, it's creating new pathways and breaking away..Slowly and ever so painfully..
This was a tough session to say the least and there was a lot more said. It will all come back to me once I've let myself have a proper nights sleep. I'll then be able to process more. It's so difficult some times, but not the end of the world.
I probably shouldn't have bottled up so much this week, but I choose to do it this way, because I was afraid to push myself and do too much to recover.. For fear of triggering Anna as well as losing her and for fear of what's to come and trying to stop it all. But it doesn't stop, because it still all works away underneath the surface, whether I want it or not. This I've come to realize, the hard way..
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Different reasons for food
A bite for life
To fight or feel the pain
A mouthful for strength
To keep on going to just remain
A chunk for others
They are worthy and I am not
A spoonful NOT for me
To keep what's missing an empty spot
A sip for today
To forget the fears awaiting tomorrow
A piece for the soul
To have energy to express the sorrow
A bite for life
To never forget the reasons
A mouthful for strength
To see us change along with the seasons
A chunk for others
To fool me, myself and I
A spoonful NOT for me
To let Anna bully me and make me cry
A sip for today
To be able to feel a little lost
A piece for the soul
To find and cherish it at any necessary cost..
To fight or feel the pain
A mouthful for strength
To keep on going to just remain
A chunk for others
They are worthy and I am not
A spoonful NOT for me
To keep what's missing an empty spot
A sip for today
To forget the fears awaiting tomorrow
A piece for the soul
To have energy to express the sorrow
A bite for life
To never forget the reasons
A mouthful for strength
To see us change along with the seasons
A chunk for others
To fool me, myself and I
A spoonful NOT for me
To let Anna bully me and make me cry
A sip for today
To be able to feel a little lost
A piece for the soul
To find and cherish it at any necessary cost..
A Call from Kelly
Thursday I was having a normal day. In the afternoon Kelly from England rang. I traveled in Oz with her and I hadn't seen or spoken to her since February. She was one of the best people I met while I was traveling. A dear friend.
I was so shocked and delighted to get her call. I haven't had that many telephone conversations the past months. I wouldn't want to or, at one stage I wouldn't have the energy or be in right frame of mind. There's a lot more to a phone call than you would expect. It's not until you can't and don't want to do it, that you realize just how much effort it takes.
When Kelly rang, and I was having a "good" day, so that only made it easier. Usually I would have hesitated whether to pick it up or to ignore it.. I know I sound selfish and ungrateful but it was such a big thing. On Thursday however, I didn't think twice about it.. It all happened, and I was me. No faking, no brave-face, no forcing. I picked up and started screaming with excitement to speak to her. That's how chuffed I was that she rang. We chatted for 15 minutes and it was so great.
It wasn't until I hung up that I could see, I'm still here. The person people knew me as, I'm still her. I can still get excited about the tiniest little things and be crazy and overbearing as well.. I was wrecked afterwards though. But that didn't matter. Not only was it great to talk to her. But for the first time, since coming back to Ireland, I said OUTLOUD (instead of writing it and saying it to Diann) that I'm getting stronger and I'm making good progress. I was having a "good" day, so I wasn't feeling guilty when I said it. The forbidden words had been spoken. Now there was definitely no denying it. It's out there now.. that's it. But it's okay and I felt fine about it.
All in the space of 15 minutes. I "proved" to myself that I CAN feel good about making progress and I proved that doubts I had about me not being me anymore will become less and less as I become me more and more..
A few more baby steps.. and it still all keeps on going..
I was so shocked and delighted to get her call. I haven't had that many telephone conversations the past months. I wouldn't want to or, at one stage I wouldn't have the energy or be in right frame of mind. There's a lot more to a phone call than you would expect. It's not until you can't and don't want to do it, that you realize just how much effort it takes.
When Kelly rang, and I was having a "good" day, so that only made it easier. Usually I would have hesitated whether to pick it up or to ignore it.. I know I sound selfish and ungrateful but it was such a big thing. On Thursday however, I didn't think twice about it.. It all happened, and I was me. No faking, no brave-face, no forcing. I picked up and started screaming with excitement to speak to her. That's how chuffed I was that she rang. We chatted for 15 minutes and it was so great.
It wasn't until I hung up that I could see, I'm still here. The person people knew me as, I'm still her. I can still get excited about the tiniest little things and be crazy and overbearing as well.. I was wrecked afterwards though. But that didn't matter. Not only was it great to talk to her. But for the first time, since coming back to Ireland, I said OUTLOUD (instead of writing it and saying it to Diann) that I'm getting stronger and I'm making good progress. I was having a "good" day, so I wasn't feeling guilty when I said it. The forbidden words had been spoken. Now there was definitely no denying it. It's out there now.. that's it. But it's okay and I felt fine about it.
All in the space of 15 minutes. I "proved" to myself that I CAN feel good about making progress and I proved that doubts I had about me not being me anymore will become less and less as I become me more and more..
A few more baby steps.. and it still all keeps on going..
Analyzing my "good" Thursday
The past few days have been up and down. But Thursday I was feeling normal..too normal maybe. But there was no guilt. I think because I had a bad night on Wednesday evening, that I now felt I deserved a "good" day and I deserved to feel human. I was awake from 5 o'clock in the morning. I was restless and couldn't sleep. So I got up, and sat on the sofa for hours, reading my book. I didn't go back to bed. I needed to be up the whole day, and I made it through. I was tired, but I wasn't down or grumpy or anything. I kept myself pretty busy as well..
So many hours in a day..how on earth can a person who isn't supposed to do too much, fill an 18-hour-day? How is that possible without giving in to day-time telly? I was counting hours again.. How many hours have I been reading? How many hours have I been awake? How many hours to go before I'm "allowed" to sit down and watch telly? How many hours have I been watching telly? Why was I counting hours? I don't know. What was I trying to do? I was probably feeling like I'd be classed as a lazy and boring person who's actually supposed to be in the prime of her life. But who was going to class me as that? There was nobody at home.. I was alone all day.. So why was I worried that I would spend too many hours in front of the telly sitting on my backside and eating? Isn't that just stupid and crazy! Maybe I felt that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't keep busy. But that's nonsense as well. Because I've had days when I would let myself sit on my backside the whole day and still be able to sleep at 11 at night.. Why did I this to myself? I reckon it's just too much energy and I don't know what to do with it.
Diann once said to me.. "You don't feel that you've lived a day if you haven't anything to show for it or achieved anything. You don't let yourself go to bed at night feeling fulfilled if you haven't done anything productive". She was right. So many things I've been doing, tell me that it's exactly how I feel. "Achieving things" could be just little things that don't really make you happier or have any significance whatsoever. For example.. doing the housework or walking to the shops (when you don't really need anything).
But what happens when you look at it, as being unemployed? It makes you feel like you have no purpose, that you're unworthy and maybe even a waste of space. Well I can relate to that. This is a good feeling to have, isn't it? It pushes unemployed people to get out there and work. It stimulates and motivates people to get a job they're good at and enjoy doing. If everybody enjoyed NOT having to do anything all day, and still feel like they are NOT wasting time, then there would probably be a lot more people wanting to be unemployed, but most people hate it as it doesn't give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning..
Maybe when their career gives them satisfaction and makes their day worthwhile, they then, whenever they have a day off, can do nothing all day long and still feel they deserve to go to bed and have a great sleep. Is that where they get their self-worth from? Their job? So without it, they would feel meaningless, hopeless and lost? They wouldn't feel worthy and wouldn't deserve good things because they aren't achieving things during the day?
Maybe it all depends on how much people feel the need to pressure, push and prove themselves. People who are never satisfied with things they have done and achieved will never feel good with themselves, they will never achieve enough so they will never feel a good person.. If they aren't achieving things, they aren't happy with themselves.. I guess it also all depends on the person and the reasons for someones job or career choice as to whether or not it's to make themselves feel better about who they are. So surely it's far better to choose a job on the basis of..you enjoy it, it makes you happy, and puts money in bank.. and NOT on the basis of.. I'm making a difference and therefore it makes me feel like a better person.
The point I'm making, or what I'm trying to figure out, is that where's the best place to get your self-worth from. Is there a formula or is it different for everybody? I know I'm not going to get it from doing the ironing.. But I'm still trying to prove things..I'd just love to know who I'm proving it to. It's more than likely Anna.. That bad little voice inside of me that constantly tells me I'm every bad name in the dictionary if I sit down and enjoy a tv program for too long.. How annoying! She knows that she's had the power over me for so long, she knows that she's strong so why doesn't she just give it up? She has to stop trying to control and judge me.. It's not fair..
It's all about breaking down the old habits..For instance keeping busy all day. A few weeks ago, if I were to even attempt to keep busy..I would break down, psychically and mentally. I would end up back in bed by lunchtime and wouldn't get out it if I didn't have to. But now, I'm feeling stronger, so what do I do? Go back to the way I was? It's like "autopilot".. I want to be active. The past week I've even been having bad sleeps because I'm restless for not being "allowed" to be active or for not knowing what to do with myself. Agitation and frustration are the words to describe it. So what do I do? I want to pick back up my life. But I don't know what it is to "pick back up!"...
Well, it's all clear in my head, no doubt about that, but I just don't know what to do with it all..
This was my Thursday.. Good for Fay--- No guilt, no grumpiness, eating everything. Good for Anna--- productive, active, no bed-rest. So probably good for Niamh all-round, even it was just to give meaning to the words Diann once said to me.."breaking old habits and creating new ones"... (but as I've said before, in theory it's all well and good, but in practice it's a different story)..
So many hours in a day..how on earth can a person who isn't supposed to do too much, fill an 18-hour-day? How is that possible without giving in to day-time telly? I was counting hours again.. How many hours have I been reading? How many hours have I been awake? How many hours to go before I'm "allowed" to sit down and watch telly? How many hours have I been watching telly? Why was I counting hours? I don't know. What was I trying to do? I was probably feeling like I'd be classed as a lazy and boring person who's actually supposed to be in the prime of her life. But who was going to class me as that? There was nobody at home.. I was alone all day.. So why was I worried that I would spend too many hours in front of the telly sitting on my backside and eating? Isn't that just stupid and crazy! Maybe I felt that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't keep busy. But that's nonsense as well. Because I've had days when I would let myself sit on my backside the whole day and still be able to sleep at 11 at night.. Why did I this to myself? I reckon it's just too much energy and I don't know what to do with it.
Diann once said to me.. "You don't feel that you've lived a day if you haven't anything to show for it or achieved anything. You don't let yourself go to bed at night feeling fulfilled if you haven't done anything productive". She was right. So many things I've been doing, tell me that it's exactly how I feel. "Achieving things" could be just little things that don't really make you happier or have any significance whatsoever. For example.. doing the housework or walking to the shops (when you don't really need anything).
But what happens when you look at it, as being unemployed? It makes you feel like you have no purpose, that you're unworthy and maybe even a waste of space. Well I can relate to that. This is a good feeling to have, isn't it? It pushes unemployed people to get out there and work. It stimulates and motivates people to get a job they're good at and enjoy doing. If everybody enjoyed NOT having to do anything all day, and still feel like they are NOT wasting time, then there would probably be a lot more people wanting to be unemployed, but most people hate it as it doesn't give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning..
Maybe when their career gives them satisfaction and makes their day worthwhile, they then, whenever they have a day off, can do nothing all day long and still feel they deserve to go to bed and have a great sleep. Is that where they get their self-worth from? Their job? So without it, they would feel meaningless, hopeless and lost? They wouldn't feel worthy and wouldn't deserve good things because they aren't achieving things during the day?
Maybe it all depends on how much people feel the need to pressure, push and prove themselves. People who are never satisfied with things they have done and achieved will never feel good with themselves, they will never achieve enough so they will never feel a good person.. If they aren't achieving things, they aren't happy with themselves.. I guess it also all depends on the person and the reasons for someones job or career choice as to whether or not it's to make themselves feel better about who they are. So surely it's far better to choose a job on the basis of..you enjoy it, it makes you happy, and puts money in bank.. and NOT on the basis of.. I'm making a difference and therefore it makes me feel like a better person.
The point I'm making, or what I'm trying to figure out, is that where's the best place to get your self-worth from. Is there a formula or is it different for everybody? I know I'm not going to get it from doing the ironing.. But I'm still trying to prove things..I'd just love to know who I'm proving it to. It's more than likely Anna.. That bad little voice inside of me that constantly tells me I'm every bad name in the dictionary if I sit down and enjoy a tv program for too long.. How annoying! She knows that she's had the power over me for so long, she knows that she's strong so why doesn't she just give it up? She has to stop trying to control and judge me.. It's not fair..
It's all about breaking down the old habits..For instance keeping busy all day. A few weeks ago, if I were to even attempt to keep busy..I would break down, psychically and mentally. I would end up back in bed by lunchtime and wouldn't get out it if I didn't have to. But now, I'm feeling stronger, so what do I do? Go back to the way I was? It's like "autopilot".. I want to be active. The past week I've even been having bad sleeps because I'm restless for not being "allowed" to be active or for not knowing what to do with myself. Agitation and frustration are the words to describe it. So what do I do? I want to pick back up my life. But I don't know what it is to "pick back up!"...
Well, it's all clear in my head, no doubt about that, but I just don't know what to do with it all..
This was my Thursday.. Good for Fay--- No guilt, no grumpiness, eating everything. Good for Anna--- productive, active, no bed-rest. So probably good for Niamh all-round, even it was just to give meaning to the words Diann once said to me.."breaking old habits and creating new ones"... (but as I've said before, in theory it's all well and good, but in practice it's a different story)..
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