One day I can feel so great. The next can be so bad.
One minute the world is mine. The next it's gone.
I don't want either.. I won't let myself have to world, I'm not allowed.
I don't want to be bad or sad. I don't want a life of nothingness. So what do I do when both directions feel wrong?
I'm agitated with everything and everyone, but most of all myself.
I want my life back, but I don't know how, what or when.
Sometimes the finish-line seems so close, then so far.
I feel like I'm playing games on myself, like I'm just fooling myself and everyone around me. I miss so many things, but am scared that I'll never be able to enjoy them again. I want to the days to just stop so I won't have to feel like I'm missing out on life. I don't want it all to pass me by and that's what's happening. I'm getting nowhere, I'm going nowhere. Even if I were to go somewhere or achieve anything, I wouldn't know what it is I would want it to be. I should know it all by now, but I know nothing.
Sometimes I feel so strong, but others so weak. I hate it so much. Because, at this very moment, all the things I want, be it food or a life, they are all out of reach. Anna doesn't want me to have any of them. So I don't want them. Why? Do I really have to bully myself? I think so, but I shouldn't...
Just feeling upset, makes me want to restrict..it makes me want so forget about my stomach, it makes me want to eat only half of what I should be eating today. I don't know why. But it's the same story over and over again..
I'm trapped, but being pulled in every direction there is. How will I know what to do? How will I know what's best? Can I trust myself? Right now, I don't think so..
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Distant Distance
As the distance between us increases
The mountain doesn't seem so high
As the distance between us increases
The clouds blend in with the sky
As the distance between us increases
The wings will soon spread and fly...
As the distance between us increases
My heart aches a little more
As the distance between us increases
My strength I want to ignore
As the distance between us increases
My body I'll never again adore...
As the distance between us increases
I hate each and every day
As the distance between us increases
I have to always listen to Fay
As the distance between us increases
I'm not sure what to think or say...
As the distance between us increases
The battle will keep on going
As the distance between us increases
The seed I'll keep on sewing
As the distance between us increases
My body and soul are growing...
As the distance between us increases
My body is happy but head is blue
As the distance between us increases
I'm learning things I never knew
As the distance between us increases
I long for a happy life without you...
As the distance between us increases
You have to set me free
As the distance between us increases
A tear I shed so I cannot see
As the distance between us increases
I can no longer live for you, but choose to live for me...
The mountain doesn't seem so high
As the distance between us increases
The clouds blend in with the sky
As the distance between us increases
The wings will soon spread and fly...
As the distance between us increases
My heart aches a little more
As the distance between us increases
My strength I want to ignore
As the distance between us increases
My body I'll never again adore...
As the distance between us increases
I hate each and every day
As the distance between us increases
I have to always listen to Fay
As the distance between us increases
I'm not sure what to think or say...
As the distance between us increases
The battle will keep on going
As the distance between us increases
The seed I'll keep on sewing
As the distance between us increases
My body and soul are growing...
As the distance between us increases
My body is happy but head is blue
As the distance between us increases
I'm learning things I never knew
As the distance between us increases
I long for a happy life without you...
As the distance between us increases
You have to set me free
As the distance between us increases
A tear I shed so I cannot see
As the distance between us increases
I can no longer live for you, but choose to live for me...
For better, For worse?
A small part of me still wants her to stay, a larger part of me doesn't. I know she has to leave, but it doesn't make it any easier.
It seems so pathetic that I don't want to let her go. I seem to cherish her. I'm sad to keep on making the distance between us so bigger. Someone that has done me so much damage. So i'm turning my back on her but it can feel so wrong. I know I'm doing it, constantly, but I somewhere inside of me, I'm not happy about it. It's like grieving for anything.. Letting go of something that's bad for you, but it's something you loved and something that, at one stage, thought you would be with FOREVER.. This was who I had "chosen" so I was therefore meant to stick with it. I didn't want to let her down, I did want to fail.. "For better for worse, till death us do part".. And that probably would have been it.. I would have stuck by her and supported her forever.. I had started to identify myself with being her. When something feels so strong, the bond is unbreakable and could last forever.
Without this person, a whole new life has be rebuilt.. Everything has to be looked at in a different light. Because nothing will ever be the same again. She won't have a negative effect on me anymore, people will see me as "just Niamh".. and not "Niamh and Anna". People who didn't even know me, would see "Niamh and Anna". Everyone would advise against such a relationship.. Niamh wouldn't listen, because "love is blind"..
Even when my nearest and dearest knew there was something not right, something was very wrong.. months and months before Niamh ever even started to open her eyes.. On the outside looking in.. From a distance things are clear, but being up close or right in the middle of it, nothing is clear.
Not until the breaking down and then breaking free starts. But the bond took months and months to become so strong, and therefore letting go will take months.. They say to get over any kind of relationship it takes half the time you were in it, to fully get over it.. I'm not going to count the months, we never had an anniversary, we never kept track.. I'll feel it, when it's all over and done with..
Starting over and living as "single" woman again..independent and free, creating my own life with my own happiness and not needing Anna to make me feel good. Starting over, is always scary, uncertain, tricky and confusing. I relied on Anna to give me strength and make me feel good, when she's gone I'll have to do it all alone. There's nobody I can fall back on.. It'll be just me against the world..
"What a scary thought.." Those are Anna's thoughts. Fay would say: "What an exciting thought.."
It seems so pathetic that I don't want to let her go. I seem to cherish her. I'm sad to keep on making the distance between us so bigger. Someone that has done me so much damage. So i'm turning my back on her but it can feel so wrong. I know I'm doing it, constantly, but I somewhere inside of me, I'm not happy about it. It's like grieving for anything.. Letting go of something that's bad for you, but it's something you loved and something that, at one stage, thought you would be with FOREVER.. This was who I had "chosen" so I was therefore meant to stick with it. I didn't want to let her down, I did want to fail.. "For better for worse, till death us do part".. And that probably would have been it.. I would have stuck by her and supported her forever.. I had started to identify myself with being her. When something feels so strong, the bond is unbreakable and could last forever.
Without this person, a whole new life has be rebuilt.. Everything has to be looked at in a different light. Because nothing will ever be the same again. She won't have a negative effect on me anymore, people will see me as "just Niamh".. and not "Niamh and Anna". People who didn't even know me, would see "Niamh and Anna". Everyone would advise against such a relationship.. Niamh wouldn't listen, because "love is blind"..
Even when my nearest and dearest knew there was something not right, something was very wrong.. months and months before Niamh ever even started to open her eyes.. On the outside looking in.. From a distance things are clear, but being up close or right in the middle of it, nothing is clear.
Not until the breaking down and then breaking free starts. But the bond took months and months to become so strong, and therefore letting go will take months.. They say to get over any kind of relationship it takes half the time you were in it, to fully get over it.. I'm not going to count the months, we never had an anniversary, we never kept track.. I'll feel it, when it's all over and done with..
Starting over and living as "single" woman again..independent and free, creating my own life with my own happiness and not needing Anna to make me feel good. Starting over, is always scary, uncertain, tricky and confusing. I relied on Anna to give me strength and make me feel good, when she's gone I'll have to do it all alone. There's nobody I can fall back on.. It'll be just me against the world..
"What a scary thought.." Those are Anna's thoughts. Fay would say: "What an exciting thought.."
A Dutch guy in Greece
Someone who has a negative influence on you. Someone who "brings out the worst in you". Someone you cannot stand to be around. While reading this, I'm certain that there's person who pops into your head. Everyone has someone who can seem to change you into a different person, a person you don't like to be, but you can't help it and it feels like it's beyond your control. You not only don't like this certain person in your life, but you also don't like the person you become..
I have only ever met 1 person who had this effect on me. I was working in Greece, and he was Dutch colleague of mine. I only had to work with him for 1 month. But it was torture. I don't why this guy had such an awful effect on me. Whenever he was around, I just instantly became a b****. He was well aware of it, and it only made him annoy me even more. It was beyond my control and I hated myself for letting him have this negative effect on my mood. He didn't really do anything for me to dislike him the way I did, he was just plain annoying. I went to extremes to get him fired. I even threatened my boss... You know it was like a scene from a movie or a soap.. "If he doesn't leave, then I'm on the next plane back to Holland..And I mean it!".. I've never had the guts to do anything like that since then, but then again, I haven't been effected by anything so badly as by him, working all the different jobs. My boss did choose me over him..thankfully, and he left and I returned to my normal self and was able to work happily in a nice environment.
Since then, I have never come across anybody who brought out that awful side of me..until now.. I've established that Anna does the exact same as the Dutch guy in Greece. She brings out the worst in me. She makes me behave in ways that I hate. She influences my mood so much. It's safe to say that I not only hate who she is and what she's done, but I also hate her for bringing out this awful side of me and I hate myself for letting it happen. It feels like it's beyond my control. I can't help it. Whenever I'm confronted with her, I'm not the person I want to be.
I'm training myself to not let her take over. But the more I ignore her, the more distance there will be between us..which has to be done, I know. But it's still so hard to keep pushing her away, because a small part of me doesn't want her to leave. Every part of me knows that she has to leave, and a large part of me wants her to, but not all of me. So by letting her still have her way, by letting her rule my mood and make me grumpy and be a nasty person, she's still with me. It means she still has some kind of control over me. I'm ignoring her when she's telling me bad things about all the food and so on that front, she's losing control. But with my mood, she's still getting it. If I continue letting her control my mood, then I'm giving her strength, I'm "feeding" her.. and this isn't good either, I know.
By feeding myself nutrition, I'm giving myself energy. The more energy I feel the more emotions I can express. Eating puts me in a bad mood---The fact that I need this food and that I'm feeding myself and that I'm hungry and that I'm putting on weight. It makes me angry with Fay, even though she's doing the best thing. But the food for Fay, is giving me energy to express anger towards Fay and to hate her for eating. So by being angry with Fay and hating her, all this food and nutrition is literally feeding Anna.. it's giving her strength?
O, wouw, I can see exactly where I am.. Only just now, while typing this, it makes sense. Also something Diann said to me weeks ago pops into mind.. "Use the energy and strength you're getting from food to focus on fighting her". These were just words weeks ago, because I didn't have any energy. But now, they are words with a meaning.. Now that I've got more energy, I can see that by fighting against the bad moods and by not letting Anna rule my state of mind and by ignoring her, and not giving into what she wants..by staying strong and being in the mood that Fay would want to be..will make Anna weak. Yes, it's tiring, this constant battle going on, nearly everyday, but the energy I've got will be put to good use.
It makes sense, but it's such a slow process. Sometimes I can't see what's really happening and sometimes I'm not aware of the most logical things, but it can all of a sudden seem so simple and easy..
The guy in Greece, he would have loved the fact the he had such a bad influence on me. He loved to know that "he was getting to me".. It showed him that he was winning, he was getting what he wanted and I was letting it happen. If I had ignored him and not let on that he brought out this awful person in me, then he probably would have gotten bored with trying to annoy me and make my life hell.. It's similar to Anna.. If I ignore her, she'll soon get bored and leave me alone. If she's sees that her work is paying off and that she's succeeding, she'll keep on going..
Okay, it won't happen overnight and it's all so slow. But it's another clarification and with that, a small step up..
I have only ever met 1 person who had this effect on me. I was working in Greece, and he was Dutch colleague of mine. I only had to work with him for 1 month. But it was torture. I don't why this guy had such an awful effect on me. Whenever he was around, I just instantly became a b****. He was well aware of it, and it only made him annoy me even more. It was beyond my control and I hated myself for letting him have this negative effect on my mood. He didn't really do anything for me to dislike him the way I did, he was just plain annoying. I went to extremes to get him fired. I even threatened my boss... You know it was like a scene from a movie or a soap.. "If he doesn't leave, then I'm on the next plane back to Holland..And I mean it!".. I've never had the guts to do anything like that since then, but then again, I haven't been effected by anything so badly as by him, working all the different jobs. My boss did choose me over him..thankfully, and he left and I returned to my normal self and was able to work happily in a nice environment.
Since then, I have never come across anybody who brought out that awful side of me..until now.. I've established that Anna does the exact same as the Dutch guy in Greece. She brings out the worst in me. She makes me behave in ways that I hate. She influences my mood so much. It's safe to say that I not only hate who she is and what she's done, but I also hate her for bringing out this awful side of me and I hate myself for letting it happen. It feels like it's beyond my control. I can't help it. Whenever I'm confronted with her, I'm not the person I want to be.
I'm training myself to not let her take over. But the more I ignore her, the more distance there will be between us..which has to be done, I know. But it's still so hard to keep pushing her away, because a small part of me doesn't want her to leave. Every part of me knows that she has to leave, and a large part of me wants her to, but not all of me. So by letting her still have her way, by letting her rule my mood and make me grumpy and be a nasty person, she's still with me. It means she still has some kind of control over me. I'm ignoring her when she's telling me bad things about all the food and so on that front, she's losing control. But with my mood, she's still getting it. If I continue letting her control my mood, then I'm giving her strength, I'm "feeding" her.. and this isn't good either, I know.
By feeding myself nutrition, I'm giving myself energy. The more energy I feel the more emotions I can express. Eating puts me in a bad mood---The fact that I need this food and that I'm feeding myself and that I'm hungry and that I'm putting on weight. It makes me angry with Fay, even though she's doing the best thing. But the food for Fay, is giving me energy to express anger towards Fay and to hate her for eating. So by being angry with Fay and hating her, all this food and nutrition is literally feeding Anna.. it's giving her strength?
O, wouw, I can see exactly where I am.. Only just now, while typing this, it makes sense. Also something Diann said to me weeks ago pops into mind.. "Use the energy and strength you're getting from food to focus on fighting her". These were just words weeks ago, because I didn't have any energy. But now, they are words with a meaning.. Now that I've got more energy, I can see that by fighting against the bad moods and by not letting Anna rule my state of mind and by ignoring her, and not giving into what she wants..by staying strong and being in the mood that Fay would want to be..will make Anna weak. Yes, it's tiring, this constant battle going on, nearly everyday, but the energy I've got will be put to good use.
It makes sense, but it's such a slow process. Sometimes I can't see what's really happening and sometimes I'm not aware of the most logical things, but it can all of a sudden seem so simple and easy..
The guy in Greece, he would have loved the fact the he had such a bad influence on me. He loved to know that "he was getting to me".. It showed him that he was winning, he was getting what he wanted and I was letting it happen. If I had ignored him and not let on that he brought out this awful person in me, then he probably would have gotten bored with trying to annoy me and make my life hell.. It's similar to Anna.. If I ignore her, she'll soon get bored and leave me alone. If she's sees that her work is paying off and that she's succeeding, she'll keep on going..
Okay, it won't happen overnight and it's all so slow. But it's another clarification and with that, a small step up..
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Missing the beat
Feel the music, listen to the tune
Dance in the sun or in the light of the moon
Let it take over, feel it and embrace
Look around and see joy on each and every face
Keep speeding it up or slowing it down
No more worries and a smile has replaced a frown
The rhythm, the lyrics, the melody or beat
The journey is makes, starts from the feet
Making it's way through the body and soul
At that very moment the music has reached it's goal
A certain vibe, with a purpose or intention
The meaning is heard and nobody needs to mention
Sing, laugh and dance with people that care
Don't take it for granted or see it as a dare
What music can do, should be cherished by everyone
Be it in the shadow of the moon or light of the sun..
Dance in the sun or in the light of the moon
Let it take over, feel it and embrace
Look around and see joy on each and every face
Keep speeding it up or slowing it down
No more worries and a smile has replaced a frown
The rhythm, the lyrics, the melody or beat
The journey is makes, starts from the feet
Making it's way through the body and soul
At that very moment the music has reached it's goal
A certain vibe, with a purpose or intention
The meaning is heard and nobody needs to mention
Sing, laugh and dance with people that care
Don't take it for granted or see it as a dare
What music can do, should be cherished by everyone
Be it in the shadow of the moon or light of the sun..
2 years ago
It's the 2nd of October today. I can't believe how that happened.
Months have passed and I haven't even a clue as to what I've been doing to get through them. But that's not really what's on my mind.
It's the 2nd and exactly 2 years ago today, I started my adventure in Oz. It seems like a lifetime ago. But it only like yesterday at the same time. I've been dreading this day for some strange reason. Probably because the more months that go by, the more it all becomes a distant memory and I hate that. I don't want it to be a memory. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish to still had that life. I don't want to relive my days in Oz because that's impossible but I would to continue to live like that. I miss everything about it. Everyday Oz is mentioned somewhere around me.. If it isn't on the telly or radio or it's here at home in conversation. But mostly I bring it on myself, it's plays on my mind and there's always something that will remind me of my days in Oz.
Sometimes I think it's just because I can feel so trapped, being here. That that's the reason for me wanting it so bad. The lifestyle I had then and the one I have now are each others extremes..maybe that's why I long for it so much. The way I had freedom and was able to do anything, whenever I wanted .. finances permitting of course ;). Now I can't even walk down the town. I'm not going to give out about it, because I know why I'm here, it has to be done. But it doesn't make me long for it any less. It's probably only getting stronger as I'm mentally and physically getting stronger. It does put strain and pressure on me, wanting something so badly. It can make the bad days feel worse, because there's more for me to deal with. I could see it in a good way, the positive side..bla bla bla.. But I don't always have to energy to focus on how good this all is, because it doesn't feel like it. Isn't it far more important for me to be putting my energy into getting better than putting my energy into feeling positive about where I am right now..? O, I don't know..
All I know, is that feeling trapped makes me uneasy and makes me want to do so much that I'm not yet able to do. It's frustrating. I've got so many ideas and so many things that I feel I need to plan. But what for? I'm not going anywhere yet and I'm scared to think of how it's going to take before I get my life back on track and start living the life that I long for everyday.
It seems that the longing will get worse which means that I'm going to be wanting my own life back again..soon hopefully. Will I keep on pushing though? Is that what I'm supposed to do? If I don't push, then surely I'll come to standstill and I'll still be here months down the line? That's not what I want and I don't want to push too much either as it might slow down my recovery... O, I don't know..
I'll just keep on daydreaming anyhow about Oz and the world, surely that can't do me any harm? Even if it were to harm me, I can't stop daydreaming, it happens automatically..
Months have passed and I haven't even a clue as to what I've been doing to get through them. But that's not really what's on my mind.
It's the 2nd and exactly 2 years ago today, I started my adventure in Oz. It seems like a lifetime ago. But it only like yesterday at the same time. I've been dreading this day for some strange reason. Probably because the more months that go by, the more it all becomes a distant memory and I hate that. I don't want it to be a memory. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish to still had that life. I don't want to relive my days in Oz because that's impossible but I would to continue to live like that. I miss everything about it. Everyday Oz is mentioned somewhere around me.. If it isn't on the telly or radio or it's here at home in conversation. But mostly I bring it on myself, it's plays on my mind and there's always something that will remind me of my days in Oz.
Sometimes I think it's just because I can feel so trapped, being here. That that's the reason for me wanting it so bad. The lifestyle I had then and the one I have now are each others extremes..maybe that's why I long for it so much. The way I had freedom and was able to do anything, whenever I wanted .. finances permitting of course ;). Now I can't even walk down the town. I'm not going to give out about it, because I know why I'm here, it has to be done. But it doesn't make me long for it any less. It's probably only getting stronger as I'm mentally and physically getting stronger. It does put strain and pressure on me, wanting something so badly. It can make the bad days feel worse, because there's more for me to deal with. I could see it in a good way, the positive side..bla bla bla.. But I don't always have to energy to focus on how good this all is, because it doesn't feel like it. Isn't it far more important for me to be putting my energy into getting better than putting my energy into feeling positive about where I am right now..? O, I don't know..
All I know, is that feeling trapped makes me uneasy and makes me want to do so much that I'm not yet able to do. It's frustrating. I've got so many ideas and so many things that I feel I need to plan. But what for? I'm not going anywhere yet and I'm scared to think of how it's going to take before I get my life back on track and start living the life that I long for everyday.
It seems that the longing will get worse which means that I'm going to be wanting my own life back again..soon hopefully. Will I keep on pushing though? Is that what I'm supposed to do? If I don't push, then surely I'll come to standstill and I'll still be here months down the line? That's not what I want and I don't want to push too much either as it might slow down my recovery... O, I don't know..
I'll just keep on daydreaming anyhow about Oz and the world, surely that can't do me any harm? Even if it were to harm me, I can't stop daydreaming, it happens automatically..
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Therapy+Acupuncture=Fay
It's Wednesday afternoon which means I went to have my acupuncture done this afternoon. All was fine and dandy with Mr. Acupuncturist.
Beforehand we had a short chat. He was very pleased with my progress. I didn't feel the need to hang me head in shame this week, like I had done last because I wasn't taking his herbs and because I struggled with all the food..(well, I'm always struggling, but I just act "as if" I'm not struggling.. I could be a professional actress by the end of all this..haha)..slightly side-tracked..sorry..
Was I taking my herbs? Yes.
Was my appetite increasing? Yes.
Did the herbs take the edge off the emotions? Yes.
Am I feeling more hunger? Yes.
Am I eating all I should be eating? Yes.
So what more could I be doing? Nothing really. So still trotting along.
He wanted to look at my tongue as well. This was strange.. He told me that the tongue is the map to the body. So just by looking at it, you can see if all the organs are functioning as they should be. My tongue is as to be expected, he said. He could see that my digestive system is very poor. It's not working properly. But that's normal, and the Chinese herbs that he has prescribed are helping it to slowly get it back in to shape. He checked it the very first time I went to see him, which was 2 months ago. And since then, by looking at my tongue, he can see that there has been an improvement. Only ever so slightly, but there is progress.
He then wanted to know if Diann was pleased with the progress I'm making and how things were developing. Well, Diann is happy with the effect the acupuncture has. The combination of the 2 works so well. Because the acupuncture releases stress and anxiety, stimulates energy and it releases certain things that have been brewing, certain emotions, troubles and issues that I have never dealt with before. Things come into my head during the week, and with Diann I can talk about them, deal with it all, figure things out and clear my head. Then I have to work it all through for myself, and that's this blog.. and the whole process keeps on going..
The herbs and the treatment are not only good for all the mental issues, but also the psychical side of things. My energy levels are increasing.. sometimes it feels like they are increasing too much.. It's mostly mental energy though.. but psychically it's starting as well (not how awful it feels to admit it..I can't deny it and would only be fooling myself by doing so). The treatment also increases my appetite and Diann then adds food onto my daily menu.
The relationship between the two different types of treatment is so close. They are so "linked". I'm only starting to see that now..
An example.. Last week when I went to see the doctor and she told me I was resting too much, the thing I said was: "But it's my choice..I've decided that this is the best and quickest way for me to recover "... I just blurted it out, without even thinking about it.. And this answer I gave her (maybe it was a little cheeky.. but I don't really care..), was influenced by the therapy and acupuncture.. Why? Because the first time I went to acupuncture Ralph told me to say a mantra each day "it's my choice..today I choose.." and then I fill it in with whatever I want. I still do this, everyday. I write down what it is I choose to do today (sometimes I choose to be grumpy, sometimes I choose to enjoy my good mood, sometimes I choose to stay in bed..). Ralph "told" (or advised) me to do this and Diann "told" (or recommended) me to rest whenever I need it. They both guided me, but it was my choice, my decision. I'm making myself better, with their help..
I can sometimes forget so easily how much control I'm having over my recovery. But then when I give the doctor an answer like that, I shock myself. It just proves to me that I DO know that I'm controlling this, I'm just not always aware. But that's fine and I'm just glad that it all makes so much sense and fits together so well.
I told Ralph about what I said to the doctor and he was proud of me.. I could tell. What a turn around. He gave me a pat on the back.. And then I gave him one, because apparently not all Acupuncturists are all too familiar or keen on treating people with eating disorders, but he can. That's what Diann said anyhow and I was pleased to tell him that.. So at the end of our little chat, we both had big heads and had just gotten a bit of an ego-boost.. He was making Fay feel really good, and Anna bad but I just let it be and forced myself to see that it's not only nice to GIVE compliments but it can also be nice to RECEIVE compliments..
Beforehand we had a short chat. He was very pleased with my progress. I didn't feel the need to hang me head in shame this week, like I had done last because I wasn't taking his herbs and because I struggled with all the food..(well, I'm always struggling, but I just act "as if" I'm not struggling.. I could be a professional actress by the end of all this..haha)..slightly side-tracked..sorry..
Was I taking my herbs? Yes.
Was my appetite increasing? Yes.
Did the herbs take the edge off the emotions? Yes.
Am I feeling more hunger? Yes.
Am I eating all I should be eating? Yes.
So what more could I be doing? Nothing really. So still trotting along.
He wanted to look at my tongue as well. This was strange.. He told me that the tongue is the map to the body. So just by looking at it, you can see if all the organs are functioning as they should be. My tongue is as to be expected, he said. He could see that my digestive system is very poor. It's not working properly. But that's normal, and the Chinese herbs that he has prescribed are helping it to slowly get it back in to shape. He checked it the very first time I went to see him, which was 2 months ago. And since then, by looking at my tongue, he can see that there has been an improvement. Only ever so slightly, but there is progress.
He then wanted to know if Diann was pleased with the progress I'm making and how things were developing. Well, Diann is happy with the effect the acupuncture has. The combination of the 2 works so well. Because the acupuncture releases stress and anxiety, stimulates energy and it releases certain things that have been brewing, certain emotions, troubles and issues that I have never dealt with before. Things come into my head during the week, and with Diann I can talk about them, deal with it all, figure things out and clear my head. Then I have to work it all through for myself, and that's this blog.. and the whole process keeps on going..
The herbs and the treatment are not only good for all the mental issues, but also the psychical side of things. My energy levels are increasing.. sometimes it feels like they are increasing too much.. It's mostly mental energy though.. but psychically it's starting as well (not how awful it feels to admit it..I can't deny it and would only be fooling myself by doing so). The treatment also increases my appetite and Diann then adds food onto my daily menu.
The relationship between the two different types of treatment is so close. They are so "linked". I'm only starting to see that now..
An example.. Last week when I went to see the doctor and she told me I was resting too much, the thing I said was: "But it's my choice..I've decided that this is the best and quickest way for me to recover "... I just blurted it out, without even thinking about it.. And this answer I gave her (maybe it was a little cheeky.. but I don't really care..), was influenced by the therapy and acupuncture.. Why? Because the first time I went to acupuncture Ralph told me to say a mantra each day "it's my choice..today I choose.." and then I fill it in with whatever I want. I still do this, everyday. I write down what it is I choose to do today (sometimes I choose to be grumpy, sometimes I choose to enjoy my good mood, sometimes I choose to stay in bed..). Ralph "told" (or advised) me to do this and Diann "told" (or recommended) me to rest whenever I need it. They both guided me, but it was my choice, my decision. I'm making myself better, with their help..
I can sometimes forget so easily how much control I'm having over my recovery. But then when I give the doctor an answer like that, I shock myself. It just proves to me that I DO know that I'm controlling this, I'm just not always aware. But that's fine and I'm just glad that it all makes so much sense and fits together so well.
I told Ralph about what I said to the doctor and he was proud of me.. I could tell. What a turn around. He gave me a pat on the back.. And then I gave him one, because apparently not all Acupuncturists are all too familiar or keen on treating people with eating disorders, but he can. That's what Diann said anyhow and I was pleased to tell him that.. So at the end of our little chat, we both had big heads and had just gotten a bit of an ego-boost.. He was making Fay feel really good, and Anna bad but I just let it be and forced myself to see that it's not only nice to GIVE compliments but it can also be nice to RECEIVE compliments..
Toast, Toast, Toast..
My food-plan for this week..
Last week I didn't have anything extra added on to my "menu". This week we are back on track..and it's a slice of toast..
I knew it was coming, sooner or later it would happen.
Each week Diann asks me now, what I would like to add.. But I can never give an answer. It's like admitting defeat. Admitting that I want food and that I'm in the mood for something. So it's hard for me to make a suggestion. Even though I do think about it during the week..what would I like to eat during the day? But it's a hard thing to do. I was thinking about bread and toast during the week. I would always love bread. Especially brown soda bread. Absolute heaven, toasted with a scraping of butter.. hummmm. In Tesco my favorite aisle, is the bread section.. I literally walk down the aisle, drooling at the sight of all the different breads..
When I was in Australia, I stopped eating it, because it seemed so unhealthy. So fattening..and it would make me feel disgusting after eating it. Only when I felt like treating myself, I would have a slice of toast with some butter. That was a rare occasion though. When I started working in Holland, I started to have 2 slices for lunch. It was always brown bread, but it was tasteless..and I never really enjoyed it. Nothing beats Irish bread for some reason..
Once I stopped working, I stopped eating bread and toast on a daily basis. Whenever I ate it, it would be as my dinner. But that was allowed, because I wouldn't eat anything else the whole day, other than my breakfast. It's so strange, just because I loved it so much, I got it into my head that it's bad for me and I therefore shouldn't eat it..
For some reason, I don't want to be someone who eats bread everyday. I don't know why.. To me, eating toast is telling me I'm weak. And I hate it and this week, Diann suggested I have a piece of toast, after breakfast in the morning.. Oh no, but as I already pointed out, I knew it was coming..it was inevitable.. So I said I would..
The thing about it is, I enjoy it too much that it feels so wrong. Nearly everything I'm eating I enjoy, and it's so bad. So having a piece of toast AS WELL.. is adding to the bad feeling..
It's like all this food I'm suddenly allowed and supposed to be eating, is giving me so much "pleasure" that it's just wrong..It's doing me too much good that it should be forbidden. I suppose you could compare to eating a bar of chocolate.. You love it so much and it's a treat..once you start eating it, you can't stop and once you've stopped you feel bad and guilty because it isn't good for you. I reckon that's how I feel with all foods at the moment. I hope that one day I can feel good about all the good food that I'm eating and that I'll be able to say it out loud.. YES THIS FOOD IS DELICIOUS... But not just yet.
My daily menu:
-Yogurt with muesli, nuts, prunes
-Orange juice
-Slice of toast
-Supplement
-Potato
-Tofu sausage
-Supplement
-Muesli bar
-Dinner
-Piece of fruit
-Juice
-Supplement
I reckon at the moment, I'm having 2400 calories a day.. That's so much and I can't help myself for counting the amount and worrying. But I need it, no matter how much food it is. I reckon I'll always be counting calories. It's like a second nature. A bad habit.
I've been really good and I'm eating everything..I've been sticking to it all. No matter how full I've been feeling. I'm eating every hour nearly. It's always seems time to eat. Feeding myself non-stop.
Sometimes when I go for 2 hours without food, I can get so hungry that I feel ill..or sick or like vomiting or I get the shakes and feel faint. It's so strange. But whenever I forget a piece of fruit or skip something (it doesn't happen that often and when it does, it's because I didn't have time, not because I was restricting myself), then it's so easy for me to skip the next thing on the menu. It's like that giving into Anna, "feeds" the urge to resist, it gives Anna strength and is therefore harder to start eating again. I noticed this on Monday. It was a "busy" day, and I wasn't at home for the times I was supposed to eat and I wasn't able to eat my whole daily intake in the space of 2 or 3 hours.. so I skipped quite a bit. But it wasn't intentionally..In the evening, I felt it though.. I had given Anna strength and had, by accident, shown her that I can still go without food and that it makes me feel good and in control and I liked the feeling. It was then harder for me to have the fruit and supplement that I was supposed to have that evening.. But I did, I got back on track again and ignored Anna.
All it takes is a few hours, and she can slip right back in. Without it being my intention. And it's hard. But it just proves to me, that I shouldn't get ahead of myself.. Eating can still be so difficult.
Another difficult thing is that I can enjoy my food, but nobody is allowed to know. I can't say it and if anybody asks I want to tell them that it's disgusting..even though I wouldn't think so. I still feel conscious when I eat as well. I feel like everyone is observing me. I hate it so much. I would love to be able to shut myself off for every meal. (Even though the only meal I eat with people around me, is dinner, but still it's awful..)
I hate people expecting me to be happy with food they have gotten for me.. Because it doesn't make me happy, it suffocates me. And even if the sight of food DID make me happy, I wouldn't say it. Nobody would know.
But as long as Fay knows and she can hear me and I can hear her, that's all that matters at the moment I suppose..
You know the song from Oliver Twist.. "Food, glorious Food".. I hope to sing it sometime and mean it..
Last week I didn't have anything extra added on to my "menu". This week we are back on track..and it's a slice of toast..
I knew it was coming, sooner or later it would happen.
Each week Diann asks me now, what I would like to add.. But I can never give an answer. It's like admitting defeat. Admitting that I want food and that I'm in the mood for something. So it's hard for me to make a suggestion. Even though I do think about it during the week..what would I like to eat during the day? But it's a hard thing to do. I was thinking about bread and toast during the week. I would always love bread. Especially brown soda bread. Absolute heaven, toasted with a scraping of butter.. hummmm. In Tesco my favorite aisle, is the bread section.. I literally walk down the aisle, drooling at the sight of all the different breads..
When I was in Australia, I stopped eating it, because it seemed so unhealthy. So fattening..and it would make me feel disgusting after eating it. Only when I felt like treating myself, I would have a slice of toast with some butter. That was a rare occasion though. When I started working in Holland, I started to have 2 slices for lunch. It was always brown bread, but it was tasteless..and I never really enjoyed it. Nothing beats Irish bread for some reason..
Once I stopped working, I stopped eating bread and toast on a daily basis. Whenever I ate it, it would be as my dinner. But that was allowed, because I wouldn't eat anything else the whole day, other than my breakfast. It's so strange, just because I loved it so much, I got it into my head that it's bad for me and I therefore shouldn't eat it..
For some reason, I don't want to be someone who eats bread everyday. I don't know why.. To me, eating toast is telling me I'm weak. And I hate it and this week, Diann suggested I have a piece of toast, after breakfast in the morning.. Oh no, but as I already pointed out, I knew it was coming..it was inevitable.. So I said I would..
The thing about it is, I enjoy it too much that it feels so wrong. Nearly everything I'm eating I enjoy, and it's so bad. So having a piece of toast AS WELL.. is adding to the bad feeling..
It's like all this food I'm suddenly allowed and supposed to be eating, is giving me so much "pleasure" that it's just wrong..It's doing me too much good that it should be forbidden. I suppose you could compare to eating a bar of chocolate.. You love it so much and it's a treat..once you start eating it, you can't stop and once you've stopped you feel bad and guilty because it isn't good for you. I reckon that's how I feel with all foods at the moment. I hope that one day I can feel good about all the good food that I'm eating and that I'll be able to say it out loud.. YES THIS FOOD IS DELICIOUS... But not just yet.
My daily menu:
-Yogurt with muesli, nuts, prunes
-Orange juice
-Slice of toast
-Supplement
-Potato
-Tofu sausage
-Supplement
-Muesli bar
-Dinner
-Piece of fruit
-Juice
-Supplement
I reckon at the moment, I'm having 2400 calories a day.. That's so much and I can't help myself for counting the amount and worrying. But I need it, no matter how much food it is. I reckon I'll always be counting calories. It's like a second nature. A bad habit.
I've been really good and I'm eating everything..I've been sticking to it all. No matter how full I've been feeling. I'm eating every hour nearly. It's always seems time to eat. Feeding myself non-stop.
Sometimes when I go for 2 hours without food, I can get so hungry that I feel ill..or sick or like vomiting or I get the shakes and feel faint. It's so strange. But whenever I forget a piece of fruit or skip something (it doesn't happen that often and when it does, it's because I didn't have time, not because I was restricting myself), then it's so easy for me to skip the next thing on the menu. It's like that giving into Anna, "feeds" the urge to resist, it gives Anna strength and is therefore harder to start eating again. I noticed this on Monday. It was a "busy" day, and I wasn't at home for the times I was supposed to eat and I wasn't able to eat my whole daily intake in the space of 2 or 3 hours.. so I skipped quite a bit. But it wasn't intentionally..In the evening, I felt it though.. I had given Anna strength and had, by accident, shown her that I can still go without food and that it makes me feel good and in control and I liked the feeling. It was then harder for me to have the fruit and supplement that I was supposed to have that evening.. But I did, I got back on track again and ignored Anna.
All it takes is a few hours, and she can slip right back in. Without it being my intention. And it's hard. But it just proves to me, that I shouldn't get ahead of myself.. Eating can still be so difficult.
Another difficult thing is that I can enjoy my food, but nobody is allowed to know. I can't say it and if anybody asks I want to tell them that it's disgusting..even though I wouldn't think so. I still feel conscious when I eat as well. I feel like everyone is observing me. I hate it so much. I would love to be able to shut myself off for every meal. (Even though the only meal I eat with people around me, is dinner, but still it's awful..)
I hate people expecting me to be happy with food they have gotten for me.. Because it doesn't make me happy, it suffocates me. And even if the sight of food DID make me happy, I wouldn't say it. Nobody would know.
But as long as Fay knows and she can hear me and I can hear her, that's all that matters at the moment I suppose..
You know the song from Oliver Twist.. "Food, glorious Food".. I hope to sing it sometime and mean it..
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
FF, Pause or REW?
I had a dream the other night.
I was myself (thank god), and I was talking to my sister Orla. We were chatting, and all of sudden, I collapsed. You know the "falling feeling" you get, and sometimes it doesn't even feel like you're dreaming, it seems so real and then you wake up in shock.. Well I had that, but I wasn't falling, I was just fainting. I collapsed because everything was getting out of control.
In my dream, and probably in reality as well, I was making too much progress. So much so that my mind and body couldn't take it. I was putting too much strain and pressure on myself, mentally, that I psychically wasn't able to deal with it. I think that says a lot about how the past couple of weeks have been going..
I feel like I'm an express train, and I'm not able to keep up. Or I feel like a video that's being played and just going on and on..
It's me doing all the work, it's myself pushing me, and pressurizing myself to a certain extent, without me feeling like I'm over exhilarating myself. However at the same time everything is going so fast, that I feel I might not be able to keep up the pace. I feel that it all might get out of control and all go wrong.
I'm just "being" as much as I possibly can. I'm trying not to push, but it's just all happening.. I'm going through all of this, all the motions, all the different stages and it just keeps on going. How does this happen? Wouldn't you think that by just "being" it would all stop? Wouldn't you think that by just "being" I would be pushing the "pause" button.. Or I would be taking a "Time-out"?
But there's no "pause", there's no "time-out"..none of that. If I was able to take a time-out, I would. If I could pause, I would. But by doing this, I would be standing still, or maybe even going backwards instead of forwards. In a "time-out" I would probably choose to eat less or loose a kilo or 2.. By pressing "pause" I would want everything to stay just as it is, right now. But, thinking twice about that, I don't want things to stay just as they are. I hate the place I'm at right now. So having a "time-out" and going backwards or pressing the "pause" button and standing still aren't options for me right now.
If I restrict myself in terms of food and stop the process of grieving and breaking free, the recovery will slow down.. it will be in "slow-motion".. And I'll only be putting off the inevitable. The work will have to be done sooner or later. There's no going back, no matter how much I want it. There's no pausing because then I wouldn't be living.. So I'm letting it take it's course, the road that I'm taking without me forcing it all, even if it does feel like it's going too fast.
Isn't it the best thing for me to just keep up the pace, if I'm able? It might feel like it's all being dealt with in "fast-forward" mode.. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. It has to be done, at whatever speed and pace I can take. And if it's all going fast and I'm coping and fighting it strongly each day, then it's good..
I know that I'll feel it if the pace gets too much for me. Because I'm listening to my body and am so aware of what it's going through..
All this is happening to me and it feels like it's beyond my control. This must mean it's coming natural. This also must mean that, without me realizing it, I'm using my willpower in a positive way..
The process will keep on going and going at whatever speed my body and mind can take. I'll have to trust myself that I'm doing this all the right way. I have to tell myself that it's good for me, no matter how bad I feel. I'm regaining control over my life and my health. It's all in my own hands. This is what I should be doing and what I need to do.
This isn't bad, this is good.. I have to keep on going and my "gut-feeling" is choosing the speed..
I was myself (thank god), and I was talking to my sister Orla. We were chatting, and all of sudden, I collapsed. You know the "falling feeling" you get, and sometimes it doesn't even feel like you're dreaming, it seems so real and then you wake up in shock.. Well I had that, but I wasn't falling, I was just fainting. I collapsed because everything was getting out of control.
In my dream, and probably in reality as well, I was making too much progress. So much so that my mind and body couldn't take it. I was putting too much strain and pressure on myself, mentally, that I psychically wasn't able to deal with it. I think that says a lot about how the past couple of weeks have been going..
I feel like I'm an express train, and I'm not able to keep up. Or I feel like a video that's being played and just going on and on..
It's me doing all the work, it's myself pushing me, and pressurizing myself to a certain extent, without me feeling like I'm over exhilarating myself. However at the same time everything is going so fast, that I feel I might not be able to keep up the pace. I feel that it all might get out of control and all go wrong.
I'm just "being" as much as I possibly can. I'm trying not to push, but it's just all happening.. I'm going through all of this, all the motions, all the different stages and it just keeps on going. How does this happen? Wouldn't you think that by just "being" it would all stop? Wouldn't you think that by just "being" I would be pushing the "pause" button.. Or I would be taking a "Time-out"?
But there's no "pause", there's no "time-out"..none of that. If I was able to take a time-out, I would. If I could pause, I would. But by doing this, I would be standing still, or maybe even going backwards instead of forwards. In a "time-out" I would probably choose to eat less or loose a kilo or 2.. By pressing "pause" I would want everything to stay just as it is, right now. But, thinking twice about that, I don't want things to stay just as they are. I hate the place I'm at right now. So having a "time-out" and going backwards or pressing the "pause" button and standing still aren't options for me right now.
If I restrict myself in terms of food and stop the process of grieving and breaking free, the recovery will slow down.. it will be in "slow-motion".. And I'll only be putting off the inevitable. The work will have to be done sooner or later. There's no going back, no matter how much I want it. There's no pausing because then I wouldn't be living.. So I'm letting it take it's course, the road that I'm taking without me forcing it all, even if it does feel like it's going too fast.
Isn't it the best thing for me to just keep up the pace, if I'm able? It might feel like it's all being dealt with in "fast-forward" mode.. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. It has to be done, at whatever speed and pace I can take. And if it's all going fast and I'm coping and fighting it strongly each day, then it's good..
I know that I'll feel it if the pace gets too much for me. Because I'm listening to my body and am so aware of what it's going through..
All this is happening to me and it feels like it's beyond my control. This must mean it's coming natural. This also must mean that, without me realizing it, I'm using my willpower in a positive way..
The process will keep on going and going at whatever speed my body and mind can take. I'll have to trust myself that I'm doing this all the right way. I have to tell myself that it's good for me, no matter how bad I feel. I'm regaining control over my life and my health. It's all in my own hands. This is what I should be doing and what I need to do.
This isn't bad, this is good.. I have to keep on going and my "gut-feeling" is choosing the speed..
Do not disturb!
Calm, quiet and at ease
Do not disturb and close the door please
Don't speak and just leave me alone
No chatting or laughing or feeling at home
If it's open and willing to interact
The work will suffer as it will distract
Either way the work will still continue
Behind closed doors will it's always in brew
If the project will eventually be complete or not
Silence and distractions are both what it's got
Too much of one and not enough of the other
The balance will disrupt and cause a shudder
How can the best formula be created and made?
It's impossible as every human is it's own shade
So close the door and leave it to stew
And this human soon be happy and new..
Do not disturb and close the door please
Don't speak and just leave me alone
No chatting or laughing or feeling at home
If it's open and willing to interact
The work will suffer as it will distract
Either way the work will still continue
Behind closed doors will it's always in brew
If the project will eventually be complete or not
Silence and distractions are both what it's got
Too much of one and not enough of the other
The balance will disrupt and cause a shudder
How can the best formula be created and made?
It's impossible as every human is it's own shade
So close the door and leave it to stew
And this human soon be happy and new..
Puberty
The past few days, I've been looking at other girls in their twenties, either in town or on the telly, and I've been so envious.
I don't really know why it's only happening now. I'm just at an awkward place right now.. I guess I was envious of them, because they all live their lives as women. A grown-up adults. They do their shopping in the adult section, they are interested in fashion, hair and make-up, they can wear jeans and their backsides fill them up perfectly. They can go on a a shopping spree and a mad night out all in the same day, without having to spend days recovering.. Little things that everyone does day in, day out..
Then it occurred to me, and Diann even said it yesterday without me even saying that I had already come to the conclusion myself.. It's like I'm going through puberty all over again.. I'm waiting for curves, I'm waiting for me to able to fit adults clothing again, I'm waiting for my period to come back, I'm waiting for the moodiness to go away, I waiting to be totally independent again and to gain the confidence I need to live my life again, without needing guidance from Diann or Ma or family and friends.. I'm waiting for the trust in myself to return.
It's so strange. Sometimes I can't grasp that I'm 25.. And I seem to forget, that I'm the oldest at home now.. But I feel like the kid of the house at the moment. I don't feel like the older sister.. That's probably all part of it as well..
An awkward place. I don't like it at all. I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. I sometimes even feel alien.. But I'm in a "transition period".. Like going through puberty, not being a kid anymore but not yet being an adult.. Recovering from Anorexia.. I'm not anorexic anymore but I'm not yet recovered. I haven't got what it is I'm going to get at the end of it all. But I don't know what it is I can expect either. Just like puberty..I'm feeling anxious, scared and confused.. not knowing what will come of it all, and I don't always know which way it is I'm heading.. But there will be new pathways and I'm becoming my own person..
It's happening all over again, slowly and it's such an uneasy feeling. I don't like it one bit.. Because what I just typed, I don't really want. I say I want it, and I know it has to be done, but I really don't want it to happen. I feel so torn, like I'm being pulled in both directions.. I hate it, and want it to go away..
I don't really know why it's only happening now. I'm just at an awkward place right now.. I guess I was envious of them, because they all live their lives as women. A grown-up adults. They do their shopping in the adult section, they are interested in fashion, hair and make-up, they can wear jeans and their backsides fill them up perfectly. They can go on a a shopping spree and a mad night out all in the same day, without having to spend days recovering.. Little things that everyone does day in, day out..
Then it occurred to me, and Diann even said it yesterday without me even saying that I had already come to the conclusion myself.. It's like I'm going through puberty all over again.. I'm waiting for curves, I'm waiting for me to able to fit adults clothing again, I'm waiting for my period to come back, I'm waiting for the moodiness to go away, I waiting to be totally independent again and to gain the confidence I need to live my life again, without needing guidance from Diann or Ma or family and friends.. I'm waiting for the trust in myself to return.
It's so strange. Sometimes I can't grasp that I'm 25.. And I seem to forget, that I'm the oldest at home now.. But I feel like the kid of the house at the moment. I don't feel like the older sister.. That's probably all part of it as well..
An awkward place. I don't like it at all. I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. I sometimes even feel alien.. But I'm in a "transition period".. Like going through puberty, not being a kid anymore but not yet being an adult.. Recovering from Anorexia.. I'm not anorexic anymore but I'm not yet recovered. I haven't got what it is I'm going to get at the end of it all. But I don't know what it is I can expect either. Just like puberty..I'm feeling anxious, scared and confused.. not knowing what will come of it all, and I don't always know which way it is I'm heading.. But there will be new pathways and I'm becoming my own person..
It's happening all over again, slowly and it's such an uneasy feeling. I don't like it one bit.. Because what I just typed, I don't really want. I say I want it, and I know it has to be done, but I really don't want it to happen. I feel so torn, like I'm being pulled in both directions.. I hate it, and want it to go away..
Soulsearching..yet again..
A little bit of philosophy.. I'm not too sure if that's the right word.. But it might get a little "floaty" so skip this if you're in a hurry.. ;)
Like the Friday afternoon 2 weeks ago, last Friday afternoon, I was being extremely reflective and it again made me realize things. I lay there thinking about how I've been doing things for years and where it has lead me to now. I was suddenly answering questions that I have been asking myself for years. It all suddenly made so much sense.
The biggest question I answered was, Why did I choose to travel the way I have been doing? I've always wondered this, and at the same time I wondered why my life is so different from that of all my friends. We all started out the "same". The same education when we were 16, the same parties, drinking and experimenting.. and now I'm the only one who hasn't "built-up" stability. I suddenly saw what it is.. I choose to study tourism and to travel. I did this, and stuck to it. I once said that it's all I want from life and I made it all happen. I went traveling and whenever I wasn't traveling I wasn't a happy chappy. I kept on going, wanting constantly more and more. Why? Because I once said that I was all for Tourism, that was my thing, nothing else would ever make me happy. I felt that if I were to suddenly change my mind and choose a different line of work, I'd be a failure and I would seem "floaty".. "a time-waster".. "scattered".. I wouldn't seem in control of my life and it would be as though I didn't know what I wanted from life.. I wanted to prove that this was who I was supposed to be and I didn't want to fail.
I can now see how I was trying to prove myself by living like this. I wasn't trying to run away from anything (like some people might have thought). But I was doing what was expected of me.. That's exactly the reason why I decided to stay in Holland, when I returned from Australia a year ago. People told me that I would have to settle down.. "you're 24 now..it's about time".. "it's not reality Niamh, you need to live a "normal" life".. "you can't go on traveling forever..sooner of later normality has to kick in".. So, I thought, if I go on traveling, I will be living in a dream world. It's not real life. And I would look at all my mates and see what they had built-up over the years, and then I would look at my life.. No place to live, no man, no steady job, no savings in the bank, no driving license..the list is endless..I didn't have any of these and wasn't it about time that I started? Yes, I thought it was about time..
But that, what I've just described, isn't "normality" to me. Everybody has a different opinion as to what is "normal"... And all the things my mates have, to me, isn't normal. Those things could seem like my "dream world. I soon realized this, once I had started to settle back down in Holland, after Australia.
I can see that being mainstream, isn't what I want. I don't want to do things, just because it's expected of me. Why should I?
I might be reading too much into this next "realization".. but maybe by doing "what society expected me to" I started to loose control over my life. Daily life can be controlled so easily by society. You don't live your life, but life lives you.. I wasn't doing what I wanted and maybe that's why I started to take more control back through certain eating habits..
This might be really far-fetched and I didn't realize this yesterday when I was with Diann..or else I would have cleared it with her.. But it might have contributed..
But everything made so much sense, and everything seems to be "linked" together. Even the way I was 7 years ago, when I was seeing Bart (nearly everyone remembers him, the guy I was seeing for over 2 years). For the whole entire time we were together, I asked myself "What is he doing with me?".. He could have had any girl he wanted, but he choose me.. Of course, with me having an attitude like that, it was never going to last and he broke it off.. Friday afternoon I started to thinkt.. If you don't love yourself..How can you let someone else love you? If you're not happy in your own skin and don't see why this person loves you, then you must think there's something wrong with the other person for having these feelings towards you..? Hummm... I'm not too sure.. But that's exactly how I felt for 2 years anyhow.
I related this to how I feel now, and what I want to do over the next years.. And I realized that if I was to keep up this "self-loathing" and keep on acting out this "lack of self-worth".. then how on earth am I ever going to do what I want in life, and feel fulfilled...
I want to touch people's lives, I want to influence them. I want to make other people happy..for example..working in an orphanage in South America (something I've wanted for years) If I don't feel worthy as a person then what have I got to give? I'd be doing this work for the wrong reasons.. I'd only be doing it to prove something to myself. I'd only feel like I'm a good person by achieving this dream.. I'd be trying to make myself feel better about ME by making others feel happy. But if I can feel happy and fulfilled without proving myself and achieving things, then I'll have so much more to give, and I won't be doing it for the selfish reason of just trying to make myself feel better and feel worthy. It's a little tricky for me get my head around..
Then Diann said: It's like a well (the well being me, and the water being my soul).. If the well is full you don't need achievements to fill it.. you'll be giving from the well and it will more or less always be full... If I were to do certain things for the wrong reasons and to prove myself and achieve as much as possible, I would be doing these things for the rest of my life, I would never feel fulfilled or satisfied because it's a bottomless pit. I'll never be able to achieve enough to make myself feel worthy..it will keep on going.. This can all related to Anna.. "a bottomless pit".. it's never enough, she'll keep on going to make you more and more ill..she's never satisfied..
It suddenly all seemed so clear. So normal really. So logical that it kind of scared me. It's like a puzzle slowly coming together..
It was still Friday afternoon and I was still lying in my bed.. Shocked by the clouds that had cleared. All this going on in my head, and I felt so big on the inside. I felt like I was expanding.. It was so weird.. and then I got up and looked in the mirror and got a shock at the sight of me looking so small, but feeling so big at the same time.. It was a weird but a liberating feeling.. Hard to put into words. I also thought how I must look to people who come by the house now and then.. They must think that I'm so miserable, bored, sad and depressed because of how my life is at the moment. But if they could only see inside. I'm not a boring person at all, there's so much going on inside and it will eventually come out. At the moment I'm not capable of expressing it all (only when I'm with Diann, and writing these posts), but it's in there and bursting to get out.
I was still lying in bed on Friday afternoon.. and I could relate to something Diann said weeks ago. When you feel down or sad, it doesn't mean that it's you as a person. Yes, you own the emotion, but it isn't your identity. When you feel down, you still know that you can feel happy or content.. It's possible to be able "hold 2 emotions" at the same time. And I felt it on Friday afternoon. It was sad, teary and down, as lay there thinking about so much, but at the same time I was fine with it all. I didn't mind that I was down. Because I knew that I was a content person, where I was. This just proves to me that happiness DOES come from within. It wouldn't matter where in the world I would go, it wouldn't make me happy if I'm not happy with being me. Being in Arklow, isn't where I want to be, but I was still feeling fine with it.. At that moment it didn't really matter that I was in Ireland, that I wasn't living the life I wanted and that I was feeling so scared at all these things that are happening, because I was content and pretty pleased to be me. So I don't have to travel the world to be happy or to feel alive.. Because Friday afternoon I felt so much life inside of me, it's just waiting to be let out.
More questions were answered like "Why don't I care that I'm not in relationship?".. So many people would worry about it.. But I'm 25 and single and nearly all my friends are in steady relationships.. But it's never even been something I've worried about. It's probably about the only thing that I wouldn't analyze.. No, I'd just analyze why I'm not bothered to have one.. Everyone knows what all the novels, the cliche's and the movies say.. "find your other half and someone who completes you"..
But it's not for me, sorry.. I'm already complete without being in a relationship. I'm not missing a half thank you very much.
Diann had something more to add..to the answer I had found for myself.. She said something about the TRUE meaning of the word Virgin. It means: Woman on it's own. So a woman who lives her life, just for her. Not anybody else. She owns the rules, she makes her own decisions and decides what's right for herself. A relationship will only ADD to her life, but with or without it, she'll always be complete. How great is that? I thought that was so.. I don't know.. True? Yeah.. I like it.
When I was with Diann this week, I told her all this.. Diann listened... It was all very "tranquil"..(must be those Chinese herbs I'm taking from Mr. Acupuncturist..haha) She said that it's such a gift to experience all this at such a young age. I will benefit from this for the rest of my life.. I know she's right and soon I'll take it on board..Not just yet, I have to leave all this alone for now or else it will become too overwhelming and I don't want to scare it away..
Like the Friday afternoon 2 weeks ago, last Friday afternoon, I was being extremely reflective and it again made me realize things. I lay there thinking about how I've been doing things for years and where it has lead me to now. I was suddenly answering questions that I have been asking myself for years. It all suddenly made so much sense.
The biggest question I answered was, Why did I choose to travel the way I have been doing? I've always wondered this, and at the same time I wondered why my life is so different from that of all my friends. We all started out the "same". The same education when we were 16, the same parties, drinking and experimenting.. and now I'm the only one who hasn't "built-up" stability. I suddenly saw what it is.. I choose to study tourism and to travel. I did this, and stuck to it. I once said that it's all I want from life and I made it all happen. I went traveling and whenever I wasn't traveling I wasn't a happy chappy. I kept on going, wanting constantly more and more. Why? Because I once said that I was all for Tourism, that was my thing, nothing else would ever make me happy. I felt that if I were to suddenly change my mind and choose a different line of work, I'd be a failure and I would seem "floaty".. "a time-waster".. "scattered".. I wouldn't seem in control of my life and it would be as though I didn't know what I wanted from life.. I wanted to prove that this was who I was supposed to be and I didn't want to fail.
I can now see how I was trying to prove myself by living like this. I wasn't trying to run away from anything (like some people might have thought). But I was doing what was expected of me.. That's exactly the reason why I decided to stay in Holland, when I returned from Australia a year ago. People told me that I would have to settle down.. "you're 24 now..it's about time".. "it's not reality Niamh, you need to live a "normal" life".. "you can't go on traveling forever..sooner of later normality has to kick in".. So, I thought, if I go on traveling, I will be living in a dream world. It's not real life. And I would look at all my mates and see what they had built-up over the years, and then I would look at my life.. No place to live, no man, no steady job, no savings in the bank, no driving license..the list is endless..I didn't have any of these and wasn't it about time that I started? Yes, I thought it was about time..
But that, what I've just described, isn't "normality" to me. Everybody has a different opinion as to what is "normal"... And all the things my mates have, to me, isn't normal. Those things could seem like my "dream world. I soon realized this, once I had started to settle back down in Holland, after Australia.
I can see that being mainstream, isn't what I want. I don't want to do things, just because it's expected of me. Why should I?
I might be reading too much into this next "realization".. but maybe by doing "what society expected me to" I started to loose control over my life. Daily life can be controlled so easily by society. You don't live your life, but life lives you.. I wasn't doing what I wanted and maybe that's why I started to take more control back through certain eating habits..
This might be really far-fetched and I didn't realize this yesterday when I was with Diann..or else I would have cleared it with her.. But it might have contributed..
But everything made so much sense, and everything seems to be "linked" together. Even the way I was 7 years ago, when I was seeing Bart (nearly everyone remembers him, the guy I was seeing for over 2 years). For the whole entire time we were together, I asked myself "What is he doing with me?".. He could have had any girl he wanted, but he choose me.. Of course, with me having an attitude like that, it was never going to last and he broke it off.. Friday afternoon I started to thinkt.. If you don't love yourself..How can you let someone else love you? If you're not happy in your own skin and don't see why this person loves you, then you must think there's something wrong with the other person for having these feelings towards you..? Hummm... I'm not too sure.. But that's exactly how I felt for 2 years anyhow.
I related this to how I feel now, and what I want to do over the next years.. And I realized that if I was to keep up this "self-loathing" and keep on acting out this "lack of self-worth".. then how on earth am I ever going to do what I want in life, and feel fulfilled...
I want to touch people's lives, I want to influence them. I want to make other people happy..for example..working in an orphanage in South America (something I've wanted for years) If I don't feel worthy as a person then what have I got to give? I'd be doing this work for the wrong reasons.. I'd only be doing it to prove something to myself. I'd only feel like I'm a good person by achieving this dream.. I'd be trying to make myself feel better about ME by making others feel happy. But if I can feel happy and fulfilled without proving myself and achieving things, then I'll have so much more to give, and I won't be doing it for the selfish reason of just trying to make myself feel better and feel worthy. It's a little tricky for me get my head around..
Then Diann said: It's like a well (the well being me, and the water being my soul).. If the well is full you don't need achievements to fill it.. you'll be giving from the well and it will more or less always be full... If I were to do certain things for the wrong reasons and to prove myself and achieve as much as possible, I would be doing these things for the rest of my life, I would never feel fulfilled or satisfied because it's a bottomless pit. I'll never be able to achieve enough to make myself feel worthy..it will keep on going.. This can all related to Anna.. "a bottomless pit".. it's never enough, she'll keep on going to make you more and more ill..she's never satisfied..
It suddenly all seemed so clear. So normal really. So logical that it kind of scared me. It's like a puzzle slowly coming together..
It was still Friday afternoon and I was still lying in my bed.. Shocked by the clouds that had cleared. All this going on in my head, and I felt so big on the inside. I felt like I was expanding.. It was so weird.. and then I got up and looked in the mirror and got a shock at the sight of me looking so small, but feeling so big at the same time.. It was a weird but a liberating feeling.. Hard to put into words. I also thought how I must look to people who come by the house now and then.. They must think that I'm so miserable, bored, sad and depressed because of how my life is at the moment. But if they could only see inside. I'm not a boring person at all, there's so much going on inside and it will eventually come out. At the moment I'm not capable of expressing it all (only when I'm with Diann, and writing these posts), but it's in there and bursting to get out.
I was still lying in bed on Friday afternoon.. and I could relate to something Diann said weeks ago. When you feel down or sad, it doesn't mean that it's you as a person. Yes, you own the emotion, but it isn't your identity. When you feel down, you still know that you can feel happy or content.. It's possible to be able "hold 2 emotions" at the same time. And I felt it on Friday afternoon. It was sad, teary and down, as lay there thinking about so much, but at the same time I was fine with it all. I didn't mind that I was down. Because I knew that I was a content person, where I was. This just proves to me that happiness DOES come from within. It wouldn't matter where in the world I would go, it wouldn't make me happy if I'm not happy with being me. Being in Arklow, isn't where I want to be, but I was still feeling fine with it.. At that moment it didn't really matter that I was in Ireland, that I wasn't living the life I wanted and that I was feeling so scared at all these things that are happening, because I was content and pretty pleased to be me. So I don't have to travel the world to be happy or to feel alive.. Because Friday afternoon I felt so much life inside of me, it's just waiting to be let out.
More questions were answered like "Why don't I care that I'm not in relationship?".. So many people would worry about it.. But I'm 25 and single and nearly all my friends are in steady relationships.. But it's never even been something I've worried about. It's probably about the only thing that I wouldn't analyze.. No, I'd just analyze why I'm not bothered to have one.. Everyone knows what all the novels, the cliche's and the movies say.. "find your other half and someone who completes you"..
But it's not for me, sorry.. I'm already complete without being in a relationship. I'm not missing a half thank you very much.
Diann had something more to add..to the answer I had found for myself.. She said something about the TRUE meaning of the word Virgin. It means: Woman on it's own. So a woman who lives her life, just for her. Not anybody else. She owns the rules, she makes her own decisions and decides what's right for herself. A relationship will only ADD to her life, but with or without it, she'll always be complete. How great is that? I thought that was so.. I don't know.. True? Yeah.. I like it.
When I was with Diann this week, I told her all this.. Diann listened... It was all very "tranquil"..(must be those Chinese herbs I'm taking from Mr. Acupuncturist..haha) She said that it's such a gift to experience all this at such a young age. I will benefit from this for the rest of my life.. I know she's right and soon I'll take it on board..Not just yet, I have to leave all this alone for now or else it will become too overwhelming and I don't want to scare it away..
Number 12.. calm and tranquil
Monday morning. Pit-stop number 12. Driving to Wexford. An hour with Diann.
I haven't been analyzing my thoughts during the days building up to this session, I haven't been worried, I haven't been keeping notes of things I want to tell her and discuss. I haven't felt the need. I can trust my head not to let me down now. I know that I can now rely on my gut feeling to just say whatever I need to get off my chest. It will come naturally. I've been able to think clearly this week, I haven't been muddled and my head hasn't been foggy.
It's been a very calm week. A lot of things have come up, I've realized a lot of different things and I've been able to cope.
After the visit to the doctor on Tuesday, where I was told that I should be doing more and that I'm making progress and that my weight has gained (which was too much "good" information for me to deal with in the space of a 15 minute conversation), which threw me off course for a short while. However I got back on track and from Thursday all was very calm and tranquil. A strange feeling I hadn't felt for a couple of weeks. I think it was mainly because of the Chinese herbs I'm taking. Mr. Acupuncturist prescribed them, I started taking them on Wednesday. I have to take them 3 times a day and they take the edge off the emotions that are arising. It makes them come up more naturally and makes them easier to deal with. Thinking back, it sometimes felt like I was taking some kind of drug.. But in a nice chilled-out way.
Most of the week I've been tired, drained, emotional, but chilled. Thursday I was still feeling the effects of acupuncture. Very relaxed and tired at the same time.
Friday was a strange one. I felt so disgusting. I couldn't hardly walk to the kitchen without feeling the pressure on my chest and being out of breath, I couldn't lie down without feeling ill, like vomiting and like I had the worst dose of the flu. I felt so fragile, like the slightest noise would break me in 2.. I was emotional as well, but at the same time, I needed to get out of the house.. Usually I would have stayed in bed and I wouldn't have even contemplated going out, feeling as I did. But I was in such a "reflective" and chilled mood that I wanted to sit out in the fresh air, and just daydream. Unfortunately I didn't get out, so spent some hours in bed, and did my daydreaming from there instead.
Saturday wasn't too bad. I was still emotional and tired. I sat in the backgarden for a few hours, in the sun. Such a normal, easy and good thing to do..but it was so hard. It was my third attempt.. I'd feel so guilty about doing it, that I wouldn't even consider it. I know I'm being good to myself by listening to my ipod and by being in the sun. Everyone would be happy but I'd feel awful. 2 weeks ago, I tried, but I couldn't. A week ago, I tried sitting in the sun for just 15 minutes and I couldn't.. But Saturday I did, for 2 hours (it doesn't matter that I sat there crying and feeling so bad..).. I just need to practise doing things that are good for me.
It's a strange place I'm at right now. I'm seem to be at the stage now, that I'm wanting so much, but I can't deal with it all. Example: If I have too much people around me, with a lot of laughter and good moods, I can't deal with it. Sometimes I can for a short while, then it gets too overwhelming and I know that if I stay around it for much longer, that I'll turn into an awful grumpy person. It's so strange. Because I want to laugh, I want to have a giggle, I want everyone around me to be happy. But when I'm there too or I'm expected to constantly be able to join in, then it's like a smack in the face..Because I'm not able. It's the strangest thing. But then when I think about, rationally, it's pretty normal. Because a couple of months ago, my world was doom and gloom for days and days on end, it was just so black.. So it's only normal that I'm not suddenly back to my normal socialable self.. It's not possible. It's not like flicking a switch. You could compare it being taken over by Anna. It doesn't happen overnight, that's a slow process. So letting her go and returning to normal, is also a slow process.. So I shouldn't analyze it or worry that I'm not able for too much happiness around me right now, because it will slowly come back..
It's the same with my strength. Sunday I had a day where my head was so clear, my thoughts were so normal, I was feeling okay and I wanted to do so much. But I wasn't able for it all.. A classic symptom of mentally being further along than pyschially. I was so tired and my legs were weak and just being around the shops for an hour made me feel like going to bed.. But I didn't because I wanted to do more.. So we went for a drive and for coffee with Ma and Sean.. I was enjoying it, but feeling tired.. and then all this normality and good moods around me started to get to me.. It was getting too much. So after dinner I had to get away from everyone, or else I would have ruined it for myself. So I watched a dvd in bed, by myself and the day was over without bad humoured Anna taking control over it.
So, I want so much, but am not really able to do it all, just yet. I still get dizzy, lightheaded and feel weak. The guilt is also still an issue.. Diann advised that I deal with it, the way I deal with Anna telling me not to eat. Acknowlegde it..Know that it's there, and just let it be there, but don't give in to it, it will only make it stronger. Example: If I want to watch telly all afternoon, and sit on my backside, I can feel bad and guilty for sitting down too long. If I were to give into this bad feeling and react to the guilt by keeping busy and being productive, the next time the guilt comes up, it will be harder for me to ignore. It will take more strength to sit on my backside the whole afternoon. It's like with food. If I were to listen to Anna telling me all the time that the food I'm eating is making me fat and telling me I don't need it, I would start to restrict and eat less. And once I start eating less (even if it's a piece of fruit that I resist), then it's harder to get myself to eat it again..
So, just like I'm hearing what Anna is shouting at me.."Don't eat!!", I'm not reacting to it, I'm just hearing it, that's all. I have to learn the same with the guilt. I'll do things that will help me recover, Anna won't like it, and I'll feel bad for doing it, I'll hear it, but I won't react to it. The prime example..sitting in the sun listening to my ipod, I enjoyed it, but it felt so bad at the same time. I didn't give in, but the feeling of guilt was still there.
It might sound strange that the guilt feeling is such an issue. I never expected it to be.. But it influences the whole process at the moment. I determines how I get through my day. Feeling bad about every little thing I do..puts me in a bad mood. Sometimes it's so bad that laughing or even smiling feels wrong. The guilt makes me not want to do the things that I feel I should and the things I want.. It's tiring, head wrecking and it can be controlling too.. I have to train myself to not let it influence me. I can acknowlegde that certain things I do (even if I'm just laughing at Sean's comments) make me feel bad, but it doesn't mean I have to stop doing them.. It's all part of the "just being me".. I have to ignore the feelings that doing what I need to do, bring up.. How complicated this can be at times..
With my mood being "all over the place" it's mostly easier for me to be alone. I love to be alone.. Then there's no expectations of me, I don't have to act different to how I feel. Because that's what I can intend to do, especially when I'm sick of being an awful, grumpy and ungrateful cow.. That's how I feel so often. I feel bad for it, all the time, but I can't help myself most of the time. I don't want to act this way. Nobody deserves it, and I hate myself for it.. So that's why I'd rather be alone. If I am in a bad mood, nobody knows about it. I can be however I want.. Anna brings out the worst in me, and I don't like that side of me.. I want it to go away.. But it's just part of the whole process..
It will gradually all fall into place..I'm doing the right things..I'm sticking to the treatment..to all of it and I'm getting there.. But I still can't bring myself to say it outloud and I don't want to hear it either, from anybody else. I'm scared of what will come of all this, I don't know what to expect at the end of it. But I'm not going analyze or worry about how long it will take. I can't yet look back either over the past months..it's scares me too much. I'm not ready yet. So, I can't look back or forward right now...The present is far more important.
The thing that really scares me, is that I'm making too much progress. That worries me because I might not see it coming when Anna will knock me back and it'll be twice as strong.. I know I won't relapse, but it still does scare me. Another thing.. I don't want to live in a dream. I need to keep it real. But this whole thing doesn't seem real.. I don't even feel real. So it's hard to stay in touch with reality.. Maybe it's good for me to live in a dreamworld.. That way it will all soon be over.. I'll wake up and it will all have been one big nightmare..
I'm not too sure.. But I'm not going to pressure myself.. well, I'm trying not to..
All in all, a good week (and I'm not saying this outloud, I'm just typing it, so it isn't making me feel as awful). It was nice and calm..
I haven't been analyzing my thoughts during the days building up to this session, I haven't been worried, I haven't been keeping notes of things I want to tell her and discuss. I haven't felt the need. I can trust my head not to let me down now. I know that I can now rely on my gut feeling to just say whatever I need to get off my chest. It will come naturally. I've been able to think clearly this week, I haven't been muddled and my head hasn't been foggy.
It's been a very calm week. A lot of things have come up, I've realized a lot of different things and I've been able to cope.
After the visit to the doctor on Tuesday, where I was told that I should be doing more and that I'm making progress and that my weight has gained (which was too much "good" information for me to deal with in the space of a 15 minute conversation), which threw me off course for a short while. However I got back on track and from Thursday all was very calm and tranquil. A strange feeling I hadn't felt for a couple of weeks. I think it was mainly because of the Chinese herbs I'm taking. Mr. Acupuncturist prescribed them, I started taking them on Wednesday. I have to take them 3 times a day and they take the edge off the emotions that are arising. It makes them come up more naturally and makes them easier to deal with. Thinking back, it sometimes felt like I was taking some kind of drug.. But in a nice chilled-out way.
Most of the week I've been tired, drained, emotional, but chilled. Thursday I was still feeling the effects of acupuncture. Very relaxed and tired at the same time.
Friday was a strange one. I felt so disgusting. I couldn't hardly walk to the kitchen without feeling the pressure on my chest and being out of breath, I couldn't lie down without feeling ill, like vomiting and like I had the worst dose of the flu. I felt so fragile, like the slightest noise would break me in 2.. I was emotional as well, but at the same time, I needed to get out of the house.. Usually I would have stayed in bed and I wouldn't have even contemplated going out, feeling as I did. But I was in such a "reflective" and chilled mood that I wanted to sit out in the fresh air, and just daydream. Unfortunately I didn't get out, so spent some hours in bed, and did my daydreaming from there instead.
Saturday wasn't too bad. I was still emotional and tired. I sat in the backgarden for a few hours, in the sun. Such a normal, easy and good thing to do..but it was so hard. It was my third attempt.. I'd feel so guilty about doing it, that I wouldn't even consider it. I know I'm being good to myself by listening to my ipod and by being in the sun. Everyone would be happy but I'd feel awful. 2 weeks ago, I tried, but I couldn't. A week ago, I tried sitting in the sun for just 15 minutes and I couldn't.. But Saturday I did, for 2 hours (it doesn't matter that I sat there crying and feeling so bad..).. I just need to practise doing things that are good for me.
It's a strange place I'm at right now. I'm seem to be at the stage now, that I'm wanting so much, but I can't deal with it all. Example: If I have too much people around me, with a lot of laughter and good moods, I can't deal with it. Sometimes I can for a short while, then it gets too overwhelming and I know that if I stay around it for much longer, that I'll turn into an awful grumpy person. It's so strange. Because I want to laugh, I want to have a giggle, I want everyone around me to be happy. But when I'm there too or I'm expected to constantly be able to join in, then it's like a smack in the face..Because I'm not able. It's the strangest thing. But then when I think about, rationally, it's pretty normal. Because a couple of months ago, my world was doom and gloom for days and days on end, it was just so black.. So it's only normal that I'm not suddenly back to my normal socialable self.. It's not possible. It's not like flicking a switch. You could compare it being taken over by Anna. It doesn't happen overnight, that's a slow process. So letting her go and returning to normal, is also a slow process.. So I shouldn't analyze it or worry that I'm not able for too much happiness around me right now, because it will slowly come back..
It's the same with my strength. Sunday I had a day where my head was so clear, my thoughts were so normal, I was feeling okay and I wanted to do so much. But I wasn't able for it all.. A classic symptom of mentally being further along than pyschially. I was so tired and my legs were weak and just being around the shops for an hour made me feel like going to bed.. But I didn't because I wanted to do more.. So we went for a drive and for coffee with Ma and Sean.. I was enjoying it, but feeling tired.. and then all this normality and good moods around me started to get to me.. It was getting too much. So after dinner I had to get away from everyone, or else I would have ruined it for myself. So I watched a dvd in bed, by myself and the day was over without bad humoured Anna taking control over it.
So, I want so much, but am not really able to do it all, just yet. I still get dizzy, lightheaded and feel weak. The guilt is also still an issue.. Diann advised that I deal with it, the way I deal with Anna telling me not to eat. Acknowlegde it..Know that it's there, and just let it be there, but don't give in to it, it will only make it stronger. Example: If I want to watch telly all afternoon, and sit on my backside, I can feel bad and guilty for sitting down too long. If I were to give into this bad feeling and react to the guilt by keeping busy and being productive, the next time the guilt comes up, it will be harder for me to ignore. It will take more strength to sit on my backside the whole afternoon. It's like with food. If I were to listen to Anna telling me all the time that the food I'm eating is making me fat and telling me I don't need it, I would start to restrict and eat less. And once I start eating less (even if it's a piece of fruit that I resist), then it's harder to get myself to eat it again..
So, just like I'm hearing what Anna is shouting at me.."Don't eat!!", I'm not reacting to it, I'm just hearing it, that's all. I have to learn the same with the guilt. I'll do things that will help me recover, Anna won't like it, and I'll feel bad for doing it, I'll hear it, but I won't react to it. The prime example..sitting in the sun listening to my ipod, I enjoyed it, but it felt so bad at the same time. I didn't give in, but the feeling of guilt was still there.
It might sound strange that the guilt feeling is such an issue. I never expected it to be.. But it influences the whole process at the moment. I determines how I get through my day. Feeling bad about every little thing I do..puts me in a bad mood. Sometimes it's so bad that laughing or even smiling feels wrong. The guilt makes me not want to do the things that I feel I should and the things I want.. It's tiring, head wrecking and it can be controlling too.. I have to train myself to not let it influence me. I can acknowlegde that certain things I do (even if I'm just laughing at Sean's comments) make me feel bad, but it doesn't mean I have to stop doing them.. It's all part of the "just being me".. I have to ignore the feelings that doing what I need to do, bring up.. How complicated this can be at times..
With my mood being "all over the place" it's mostly easier for me to be alone. I love to be alone.. Then there's no expectations of me, I don't have to act different to how I feel. Because that's what I can intend to do, especially when I'm sick of being an awful, grumpy and ungrateful cow.. That's how I feel so often. I feel bad for it, all the time, but I can't help myself most of the time. I don't want to act this way. Nobody deserves it, and I hate myself for it.. So that's why I'd rather be alone. If I am in a bad mood, nobody knows about it. I can be however I want.. Anna brings out the worst in me, and I don't like that side of me.. I want it to go away.. But it's just part of the whole process..
It will gradually all fall into place..I'm doing the right things..I'm sticking to the treatment..to all of it and I'm getting there.. But I still can't bring myself to say it outloud and I don't want to hear it either, from anybody else. I'm scared of what will come of all this, I don't know what to expect at the end of it. But I'm not going analyze or worry about how long it will take. I can't yet look back either over the past months..it's scares me too much. I'm not ready yet. So, I can't look back or forward right now...The present is far more important.
The thing that really scares me, is that I'm making too much progress. That worries me because I might not see it coming when Anna will knock me back and it'll be twice as strong.. I know I won't relapse, but it still does scare me. Another thing.. I don't want to live in a dream. I need to keep it real. But this whole thing doesn't seem real.. I don't even feel real. So it's hard to stay in touch with reality.. Maybe it's good for me to live in a dreamworld.. That way it will all soon be over.. I'll wake up and it will all have been one big nightmare..
I'm not too sure.. But I'm not going to pressure myself.. well, I'm trying not to..
All in all, a good week (and I'm not saying this outloud, I'm just typing it, so it isn't making me feel as awful). It was nice and calm..
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