A word filling each space to build a sentence that takes on a meaning
Each sentence contributes to the creation of a river that's streaming
It's a making of something of an interest to maybe just one soul
It may only remain for the creator to eventually reach that life-time goal
The importance can't be judged by what the paragraphs and pages reflect
Stopping to restart the process again in order to feel a sense of protect
Every idea that lies beneath or every desire that is hidden or disguised
Nobody will ever know exactly the lengths that were made for this to arise
It has a cover, just like every other but that doesn't say it all
Claiming that's what makes it a success, is predicting a nasty fall
It's to heal a person or to make the light shine as brightly as it can
Pride will be already within the creator, who is also it's biggest fan
A word used correctly forming a sentence to release and relive the event
Is never a waste of time or thoughts and it's energy and devotion well spent
The words will enrich and the event will be embraced to heal and discover
Which means the conclusion of the story will be reached one way or another
The outside says nothing but is only an indication as to what's behind
The soul has been put into a maze of different words coming from one mind
Whether that's what their intentions are and whether it be destiny or luck
Time will reveal all as the coincidences and twists of faith become unstuck
The pleasure to come from something so evident and that was there all along
Shows the simplicity that feels so familiar and the words that are fit for a song
Being pushed to see the good and the great by the presence of something so bleak
Causes no shame, no guilt, no fear and soon it's very special and unique
Nothing to loose and everything to gain
A dream it is, but is that what it will remain?
Who is to say what, how, when or where?
I'm the only one, but do I dare...??
Saturday, December 13, 2008
What's your position?
When the food feels like it should do.
When it feels like a source of energy.
When I know food is for life.
When I'm aware that I cannot live without.
When it no longer sits in the front row.
When it has taken a seat in a few rows back.
When food is enjoyed.
When it doesn't consume my every thought.
When I'm loved while eating.
When I've no guilt or shame if I enjoy and need food.
When there's one meal I look forward to the most.
When I want an early night so breakfast will come sooner.
When there isn't anger inside when a meal doesn't have 50 different tastes.
When a meal can be skipped and a sense of ease and calm is still inside.
When the reason for skipping a meal isn't to avoid calories.
When there's no fear while thinking about what to have for dinner.
When I think about the dinner I had the night before, with pleasure and not guilt.
When finishing a meal isn't scary because there's no need for wanting more.
When one dinner satisfies for hours.
When the body no longer feels starved and knows there's more food to come.
When spices aren't required to make the most out of each and every meal.
When the speed at which a meal is eaten doesn't determine the outcome of that day.
When thinking too much about food doesn't arise guilt.
And finally.. When analyzing the position food nows takes along the path of fighting Anna and knowing it could strengthen her and challenge her a little too much which could lead to old patterns taking over but feeling strong enough to take on this challenge for knowing that, deep down, a battle like this I can win and will give me more power to eventually win the war.
And.. When this doesn't make Anna go crazy and she has knowlegde of the position she takes at this present moment, in my life, and I have knowlegde that this position could change within the next few hours and we are both still able to eat and feel okay.. Then doesn't that mean that all is well with the world? Yes and it confirms what Mr. Acupuncturist said to me weeks ago: "Tell the world that you and your new found friend, Anna, are doing okay".. without trying to get ahead of myself..
When it feels like a source of energy.
When I know food is for life.
When I'm aware that I cannot live without.
When it no longer sits in the front row.
When it has taken a seat in a few rows back.
When food is enjoyed.
When it doesn't consume my every thought.
When I'm loved while eating.
When I've no guilt or shame if I enjoy and need food.
When there's one meal I look forward to the most.
When I want an early night so breakfast will come sooner.
When there isn't anger inside when a meal doesn't have 50 different tastes.
When a meal can be skipped and a sense of ease and calm is still inside.
When the reason for skipping a meal isn't to avoid calories.
When there's no fear while thinking about what to have for dinner.
When I think about the dinner I had the night before, with pleasure and not guilt.
When finishing a meal isn't scary because there's no need for wanting more.
When one dinner satisfies for hours.
When the body no longer feels starved and knows there's more food to come.
When spices aren't required to make the most out of each and every meal.
When the speed at which a meal is eaten doesn't determine the outcome of that day.
When thinking too much about food doesn't arise guilt.
And finally.. When analyzing the position food nows takes along the path of fighting Anna and knowing it could strengthen her and challenge her a little too much which could lead to old patterns taking over but feeling strong enough to take on this challenge for knowing that, deep down, a battle like this I can win and will give me more power to eventually win the war.
And.. When this doesn't make Anna go crazy and she has knowlegde of the position she takes at this present moment, in my life, and I have knowlegde that this position could change within the next few hours and we are both still able to eat and feel okay.. Then doesn't that mean that all is well with the world? Yes and it confirms what Mr. Acupuncturist said to me weeks ago: "Tell the world that you and your new found friend, Anna, are doing okay".. without trying to get ahead of myself..
Eating towards comfort
It's Saturday morning. Another week had passed, another weekend to endure and another week awaits. It keeps on going, trotting along, and I keep forgetting, unintentionally, about the unimportant things and focusing on the things that matter the most.
The things that are important and the issues that need to be dealt with are different each week. Food hasn't been a huge issue the past week. I'm at the point now, that on most days, I don't need to force the food down my throat. I still eat according to my food-plan. I haven't really ventured out or tried anything different, over the past 2 weeks. I've stuck to what feels best. My food-plan is safe and I can eat as much of it as I need. I reckon if I have lost any weight, over the past weeks, then sticking to the food-plan has put it back on.
I think I can even see it. Sometimes I can see my figure changing from week to week. Just a small bit, each time. A little bit fleshier and a little bit softer. A little bit more meat to hopefully soon transform into muscle and make me strong again. My bones are gone and I have a backside. It has actually filled out and it's not non-existing anymore. Months ago, there was nothing.
The top half of me, is big. The bottom half is small. The tops of my legs are getting sturdier again. Tissue is being stored and my legs should get stronger. They don't hurt as much or cramp as much, when I rest. For months they ached whenever I would lie down, but thats not the case anymore. Now they only hurt for a short while, instead of hours on end, whenever I've been doing a little walking around the shops. The cramps don't last.
It's all changing so much. If I go for a few weeks without looking at myself properly in the mirror, I'm afraid I won't recognize myself. I won't have gradually adjusted to what I look like and I won't feel good about it either. So I have to look at myself, regularly. But isn't that what everybody does? Some people do it daily. Looking at themselves in a full length mirror in their underwear. All just to feel good about the skin they're in.
People who do this, know themselves, that it's confronting at the best of times. But I have to feel fine about it. Because right now, it's more important than eating. Because I eat all day long, without thinking. It's a normal and natural thing for me to do. But it's the effects it's having on my body, that I have to feel fine about. And, somedays I do feel fine. Because I know I can look fine in tight clothes and that people won't think I'm ill anymore. I fit a adults clothing again (I haven't tried it yet, but I can feel that I've filled out enough). I fit some clothes, that were hanging off me 4 months ago. I can feel my face, it's huge. This I hate so much. Laughing nearly hurts and takes so much effort, because the tissue in my cheeks has been restored, but not yet "transformed" into muscles.. Because I haven't had that much to laugh hysterically about.. I used to laugh my days away, over a year ago.. They muscles need to be trained again.
The main question, that all this weight I'm putting on, brings to mind is: Do people still love me and, more importantly, can I love myself with all this extra weight? People around me, haven't turned against me. I'm still me and they haven't left me in the lurch for putting on so many kilo's. Sometimes I feel I'm worthy of this love and others times I don't feel worthy. Sometimes I can love myself, with all this weight and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I feel comfortable in my own skin and other times I don't. But that's normal. Everybody has days when they look in the mirror and hate what they see and other days they look and they love what they see.
But, right now, it isn't as cut and dry as that. Because if I don't feel worthy of love, because I'm eating and putting on weight and losing my identity that I had created over the past year or 2 and worked so hard to earn, then that could create small problems that could lead to bigger issues. But I shouldn't think like that. I'm still me, at 35 or 45 or 55 kilo's. I have to learn to love myself unconditionally and if I can do so, I'll won't feel non-deserving anymore either.
Months ago, I had force the food down my throat. Eating made me feel like a failure. Now, I see it as something that is normal, something everyone has to do and something nobody can live without. That includes me. So I've eaten my way to force myself to see I can't live without food. Now I have to eat my way, to feel fine with how I look and with my weight. Will this come with time, too, just like the eating? Or will I have to do something miraculous for this to happen? The only thing that will make me fine about my weight, is by changing my way of thinking. And that's what I'm working on at the moment. It's something that doesn't happen over night, unfortunately. Not until I'm fine with my weight, will I eat with comfort.. Time is all it takes, even though it's a man-made concept that I have to let go of. It's still remains the only thing I have. Time.
The things that are important and the issues that need to be dealt with are different each week. Food hasn't been a huge issue the past week. I'm at the point now, that on most days, I don't need to force the food down my throat. I still eat according to my food-plan. I haven't really ventured out or tried anything different, over the past 2 weeks. I've stuck to what feels best. My food-plan is safe and I can eat as much of it as I need. I reckon if I have lost any weight, over the past weeks, then sticking to the food-plan has put it back on.
I think I can even see it. Sometimes I can see my figure changing from week to week. Just a small bit, each time. A little bit fleshier and a little bit softer. A little bit more meat to hopefully soon transform into muscle and make me strong again. My bones are gone and I have a backside. It has actually filled out and it's not non-existing anymore. Months ago, there was nothing.
The top half of me, is big. The bottom half is small. The tops of my legs are getting sturdier again. Tissue is being stored and my legs should get stronger. They don't hurt as much or cramp as much, when I rest. For months they ached whenever I would lie down, but thats not the case anymore. Now they only hurt for a short while, instead of hours on end, whenever I've been doing a little walking around the shops. The cramps don't last.
It's all changing so much. If I go for a few weeks without looking at myself properly in the mirror, I'm afraid I won't recognize myself. I won't have gradually adjusted to what I look like and I won't feel good about it either. So I have to look at myself, regularly. But isn't that what everybody does? Some people do it daily. Looking at themselves in a full length mirror in their underwear. All just to feel good about the skin they're in.
People who do this, know themselves, that it's confronting at the best of times. But I have to feel fine about it. Because right now, it's more important than eating. Because I eat all day long, without thinking. It's a normal and natural thing for me to do. But it's the effects it's having on my body, that I have to feel fine about. And, somedays I do feel fine. Because I know I can look fine in tight clothes and that people won't think I'm ill anymore. I fit a adults clothing again (I haven't tried it yet, but I can feel that I've filled out enough). I fit some clothes, that were hanging off me 4 months ago. I can feel my face, it's huge. This I hate so much. Laughing nearly hurts and takes so much effort, because the tissue in my cheeks has been restored, but not yet "transformed" into muscles.. Because I haven't had that much to laugh hysterically about.. I used to laugh my days away, over a year ago.. They muscles need to be trained again.
The main question, that all this weight I'm putting on, brings to mind is: Do people still love me and, more importantly, can I love myself with all this extra weight? People around me, haven't turned against me. I'm still me and they haven't left me in the lurch for putting on so many kilo's. Sometimes I feel I'm worthy of this love and others times I don't feel worthy. Sometimes I can love myself, with all this weight and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I feel comfortable in my own skin and other times I don't. But that's normal. Everybody has days when they look in the mirror and hate what they see and other days they look and they love what they see.
But, right now, it isn't as cut and dry as that. Because if I don't feel worthy of love, because I'm eating and putting on weight and losing my identity that I had created over the past year or 2 and worked so hard to earn, then that could create small problems that could lead to bigger issues. But I shouldn't think like that. I'm still me, at 35 or 45 or 55 kilo's. I have to learn to love myself unconditionally and if I can do so, I'll won't feel non-deserving anymore either.
Months ago, I had force the food down my throat. Eating made me feel like a failure. Now, I see it as something that is normal, something everyone has to do and something nobody can live without. That includes me. So I've eaten my way to force myself to see I can't live without food. Now I have to eat my way, to feel fine with how I look and with my weight. Will this come with time, too, just like the eating? Or will I have to do something miraculous for this to happen? The only thing that will make me fine about my weight, is by changing my way of thinking. And that's what I'm working on at the moment. It's something that doesn't happen over night, unfortunately. Not until I'm fine with my weight, will I eat with comfort.. Time is all it takes, even though it's a man-made concept that I have to let go of. It's still remains the only thing I have. Time.
Friday, December 12, 2008
A friend of a friend
Other peoples pain, grief and sorrow, it seems to all be the same as mine
Everyone is struggling, and convincing the world by saying they're feeling fine
The issues are there, but everyone constantly carries that familiar smile
To forget what lies beneath and to feel normal, even if it's only for a short while
The grief a person carries, brings an instant pressure and tightness to my heart
Why should they feel this way, can't I take a look and maybe create a work of art
People from the past and the present, have evolved as the time has run it's course
Every little detail contributing to a person's person and journey, without force
Changing as every day, every month, every year, every decade, keeps on going by
Every event and every relationship, setting the pattern on which they come to rely
It happens without realizing, when people are selfless and compassionate and giving
Forgetting what it is, that gives the soul the energy to keep on living
A friend of a friend, going through a time that may be so hard and soul-destroying
But the other friend of this friend, has only everything to always be enjoying
Who determines someones grief that is thrown upon someones' apparent bliss
The unfairness is huge as happiness was a brief touch or a short but tempting kiss
Lessons that come along with the sorrow one has built-up throughout the years
Are not destroying like the pain and grief, but valuable like the constant tears
Being a child, with the world at its' little fingers, hands, toes and feet
15 years later is when the roads suddenly cross and it's where they both meet
Again and again, after all this time and after traveling through so much space
Someone's life is just like yours, with a poem and a rhyme parttaking in the race
She and I were both children back then, but underneath needing and wanting to express
Feeling this passion while events create a habit and this talent lets us confess
Understanding the trauma and seeing the journey as something amazing and great
Is compassionate and true but may not be that friend of a friends' natural state
If others can see and hear or if they choose to stay oblivious to the actual fact
Is everyone's own choice, but concern arises for the level of their tact
A lifetime of enemies or a world of friends providing their unique form of aid
Is worth it's weight in gold and acceptance of their dealing shows you have it made
Going through it all to eventually give everything and coming out the other end
Or seeing someone with all their grief and feeling it so badly, you can't pretend
Does it show that that friend of a friend has more problems than I want to take
Or are all issues of a different nature but ones' happiness is always at stake
Maybe the exaggeration is more the point and the self-pity goes down to the core
Who is to say what the answer is and why my pain should always be so much more
Digging deep, day after day, night after night, hour after hour, it never leaves
Knowing about a friend of a friend, makes me want to be the person who receives
Can I possibly take it all away from any given person, it doesn't matter who
Or make the strain and anger easier to bare and for the worries to only be a few
I'll never be able and I'll never know how and I'll never take it all away
But I'd be happy if it were just a little and to offer a slightly brighter day..
Everyone is struggling, and convincing the world by saying they're feeling fine
The issues are there, but everyone constantly carries that familiar smile
To forget what lies beneath and to feel normal, even if it's only for a short while
The grief a person carries, brings an instant pressure and tightness to my heart
Why should they feel this way, can't I take a look and maybe create a work of art
People from the past and the present, have evolved as the time has run it's course
Every little detail contributing to a person's person and journey, without force
Changing as every day, every month, every year, every decade, keeps on going by
Every event and every relationship, setting the pattern on which they come to rely
It happens without realizing, when people are selfless and compassionate and giving
Forgetting what it is, that gives the soul the energy to keep on living
A friend of a friend, going through a time that may be so hard and soul-destroying
But the other friend of this friend, has only everything to always be enjoying
Who determines someones grief that is thrown upon someones' apparent bliss
The unfairness is huge as happiness was a brief touch or a short but tempting kiss
Lessons that come along with the sorrow one has built-up throughout the years
Are not destroying like the pain and grief, but valuable like the constant tears
Being a child, with the world at its' little fingers, hands, toes and feet
15 years later is when the roads suddenly cross and it's where they both meet
Again and again, after all this time and after traveling through so much space
Someone's life is just like yours, with a poem and a rhyme parttaking in the race
She and I were both children back then, but underneath needing and wanting to express
Feeling this passion while events create a habit and this talent lets us confess
Understanding the trauma and seeing the journey as something amazing and great
Is compassionate and true but may not be that friend of a friends' natural state
If others can see and hear or if they choose to stay oblivious to the actual fact
Is everyone's own choice, but concern arises for the level of their tact
A lifetime of enemies or a world of friends providing their unique form of aid
Is worth it's weight in gold and acceptance of their dealing shows you have it made
Going through it all to eventually give everything and coming out the other end
Or seeing someone with all their grief and feeling it so badly, you can't pretend
Does it show that that friend of a friend has more problems than I want to take
Or are all issues of a different nature but ones' happiness is always at stake
Maybe the exaggeration is more the point and the self-pity goes down to the core
Who is to say what the answer is and why my pain should always be so much more
Digging deep, day after day, night after night, hour after hour, it never leaves
Knowing about a friend of a friend, makes me want to be the person who receives
Can I possibly take it all away from any given person, it doesn't matter who
Or make the strain and anger easier to bare and for the worries to only be a few
I'll never be able and I'll never know how and I'll never take it all away
But I'd be happy if it were just a little and to offer a slightly brighter day..
Work??
I woke up this morning..it's Friday by the way.. after dreaming about work. I've dreamt about work so many times over the past few months and usually it sets me up for a bad day because I start telling myself I'm okay and I should be working. But today was different.
In the dream I was back in Holland and back at work. I went into work, just to see how it would go and how I would feel being there. All my colleagues were shocked. Some of the girls I worked with, kept on holding my face. Touching my face and stroking my cheek, absorbing every detail of me that had changed. They didn't recognize me and thought I was their new colleague, when in actual fact they all knew me. But they didn't know it was me. I had put on so much weight and my face had changed so much. I was a different person. I was ringing the customers and trying to sell and have discussions with them, but I was led to tears by some of them. The stress and pressure that it caused me to feel in my head, was huge. Then I dropped something on the floor, bent down to pick it up and I felt a role of fat around my stomach and all my workmates seen it and were shocked that I had created a layer of fat around my gut. They only know me, to be skinny. So I felt disgusting, fat and awful by all the judging they were doing. We then went to lunch, which was on another floor. I had to walk up the stairs, but I couldn't. I didn't eat and I was too tired. After two hours of trying to work, I gave up. I told them I needed more time and I left.
After that, I went back to my room, in Breda. My roommate, Imke, was there and then another mate, Janneke, came to see me. In my dream, I had to stay in my room. I wasn't able to go back to Ireland. I wouldn't have made it, because I was too tired. So I had to stay inside, but I didn't want to because there was nothing there that would help my recovery. I forced myself to stick it out, for some reason or another, even though I didn't want to. Then all my mates, were going out for a night on the town (the best town in Holland by the way). I wanted nothing more than to join them, but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed because it would only slow my recovery down. I needed to stay in my room, until Anna was gone. Only when she'd left me was I allowed to venture out, dance, socialize, be merry and enjoy myself.
I woke up, and my first thought was.. oh no, here we go.. The guilt of not working is going to stress me out and make me feel like ****. I switched it off for a while and now that it I'm thinking about it again, it's okay. Nearly everyday I think about work and ask myself, now that I'm feeling more calm and rested compared to 2 weeks ago, if I'm able to work and would I want to work. But the answer to both questions is no.
I hear and read about other girls recovering. Some of them still go to college or still work and go about their daily lives. Sometimes, just to torture myself, I'd convince myself that I should be doing the same thing. But, as Diann has told me many times, every case is different. Everybodys' body is different. Some people have had milder cases of anorexia than others, meaning they were able to still study and work. Some might only have had to stop and slowdown for a short while. Some even struggle for 14 years and live their lives as normal. I read a story of a woman who started fighting Anna back in 1992 and she is still isn't over it. I mean, 16 years!!! That's a lifetime.. It shocked me to see how different each road to recovery is.
So, mine is different too. I don't want to think about going back to work, until I know for sure that I'm better. I'll know when that is and not until then, will I be mentally and physically able to focus on other things than Anna. If I were to be working, even if it were only to be parttime, I wouldn't fully be focusing on fighting her. I'd be re-occupied with other things, and beating Anna wouldn't be my main priority. I wouldn't be able to give it my all at work and I wouldn't be able to give my all at finishing this "task".
Being away from work, gives me that time to focus. The time that I need in order to beat her. It's like what Mr. Acupuncturist said to me yesterday..if I've already come so far in such a short space of time, and I continue to have time to push at a healthy level, then every little issue and every little detail will be dealt with and I'll get through it, properly with much more ease than if I didn't have this time to focus. I'll see clearly and be certain when this period in my life is over. Not until that happens, will I let myself go back to work. I'll start thinking about what I want to do with work, when the time is right. It's not important and I won't help myself by worrying day-in day-out about it.
In the dream I was back in Holland and back at work. I went into work, just to see how it would go and how I would feel being there. All my colleagues were shocked. Some of the girls I worked with, kept on holding my face. Touching my face and stroking my cheek, absorbing every detail of me that had changed. They didn't recognize me and thought I was their new colleague, when in actual fact they all knew me. But they didn't know it was me. I had put on so much weight and my face had changed so much. I was a different person. I was ringing the customers and trying to sell and have discussions with them, but I was led to tears by some of them. The stress and pressure that it caused me to feel in my head, was huge. Then I dropped something on the floor, bent down to pick it up and I felt a role of fat around my stomach and all my workmates seen it and were shocked that I had created a layer of fat around my gut. They only know me, to be skinny. So I felt disgusting, fat and awful by all the judging they were doing. We then went to lunch, which was on another floor. I had to walk up the stairs, but I couldn't. I didn't eat and I was too tired. After two hours of trying to work, I gave up. I told them I needed more time and I left.
After that, I went back to my room, in Breda. My roommate, Imke, was there and then another mate, Janneke, came to see me. In my dream, I had to stay in my room. I wasn't able to go back to Ireland. I wouldn't have made it, because I was too tired. So I had to stay inside, but I didn't want to because there was nothing there that would help my recovery. I forced myself to stick it out, for some reason or another, even though I didn't want to. Then all my mates, were going out for a night on the town (the best town in Holland by the way). I wanted nothing more than to join them, but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed because it would only slow my recovery down. I needed to stay in my room, until Anna was gone. Only when she'd left me was I allowed to venture out, dance, socialize, be merry and enjoy myself.
I woke up, and my first thought was.. oh no, here we go.. The guilt of not working is going to stress me out and make me feel like ****. I switched it off for a while and now that it I'm thinking about it again, it's okay. Nearly everyday I think about work and ask myself, now that I'm feeling more calm and rested compared to 2 weeks ago, if I'm able to work and would I want to work. But the answer to both questions is no.
I hear and read about other girls recovering. Some of them still go to college or still work and go about their daily lives. Sometimes, just to torture myself, I'd convince myself that I should be doing the same thing. But, as Diann has told me many times, every case is different. Everybodys' body is different. Some people have had milder cases of anorexia than others, meaning they were able to still study and work. Some might only have had to stop and slowdown for a short while. Some even struggle for 14 years and live their lives as normal. I read a story of a woman who started fighting Anna back in 1992 and she is still isn't over it. I mean, 16 years!!! That's a lifetime.. It shocked me to see how different each road to recovery is.
So, mine is different too. I don't want to think about going back to work, until I know for sure that I'm better. I'll know when that is and not until then, will I be mentally and physically able to focus on other things than Anna. If I were to be working, even if it were only to be parttime, I wouldn't fully be focusing on fighting her. I'd be re-occupied with other things, and beating Anna wouldn't be my main priority. I wouldn't be able to give it my all at work and I wouldn't be able to give my all at finishing this "task".
Being away from work, gives me that time to focus. The time that I need in order to beat her. It's like what Mr. Acupuncturist said to me yesterday..if I've already come so far in such a short space of time, and I continue to have time to push at a healthy level, then every little issue and every little detail will be dealt with and I'll get through it, properly with much more ease than if I didn't have this time to focus. I'll see clearly and be certain when this period in my life is over. Not until that happens, will I let myself go back to work. I'll start thinking about what I want to do with work, when the time is right. It's not important and I won't help myself by worrying day-in day-out about it.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Where are the needles??
I went to acupuncture this morning. All was fine and good. We were having a little chat and I was telling him about my visits to the toilet, how great they were and about how calm I've been feeling. We talked about my energy and I told him how I'm trying to channel it, keep it focussed and use it for the good of me. At one stage it worried me so much that my energy wasn't going to come back and that I would loose my nickname that I had been granted when I was in Oz.. the duracell bunny. That's what I was known for.
The stress has fallen, that I had bubbled during the build-up to my weekend in Holland and the aftermath. Not having any pressure to deal with and feeling at ease where I am, is making more sparks of my lost energy come back again and it's so reassuring. Mr. Acupuncturists words were: "Niamh, you really aren't that far off being strong and healthy, looking back on how far you've come in such a short period of time. It will only get easier and one small extra step everyday, will make it happen without stress and you'll feel great about it". I didn't take this the wrong way. I took this as a real compliment and I even agreed with him. Because I know he's right.
The treatment came and it was the funniest thing ever. Everytime I go into the treatment room, there's a table I have to lie on. Mr. Acupuncturist gives me a few minutes alone, to "settle in" as he calls it. This means.. rolling my trousers up to my knees and rolling my jumper up, half way so he can stick needles in me. I'd lie down on the treatment table and he would knock on the door, come in and puncture me with needles-in my legs and stomach. He'd leave again to return 45 minutes later. Those 45 minutes are the minutes in which all the crazy feelings and sensations can occur.
However, today, I went into the treatment room, took off my shoes, rolled up my trousers and jumper, lay down on the table and waited for him to come back into the room. I waited and waited and waited and waited. No sign of Mr. Acupuncturist coming back to stick needles in me. I started to fall asleep and suddenly jerked up, opened the door and he came out of his office to meet me, wondering what was going on.. He looked at me and said with so much concern "Niamh..is there something wrong?" I'm like.. "no, I just thought you forgot about me". At first he didn't give me the impression that he realized he'd forgotten that I was lying on the table waiting for him to come back in, staring at the ceiling. He just gave me this weird look. So I sat back on the bed, and he says.. "where are the needles? Why did you take them out?" Looking at me as if I was having some sort of break-down or that I was going crazy or something. I shrieked, in laughter.. "You haven't stuck anything in me yet!!!! "
He got a shock and then I got a shock, because he got a shock and we then laughed our heads off. It was so funny. One of those.. "you have to be there" moments. He must have been under pressure or something. But I lay there, after the needles were stuck in me, a tittered to myself.. And continued to do so for the rest of the afternoon. His face was just priceless.
I love moments like that. The typical moments, when the funniness has long passed and you shouldn't been laughing anymore, but you can't help yourself. During the half hour I was waiting for his return, I felt so relaxed. This was without the needles. I felt all tingly and nice. He said to me, that it's the healing energy that is in the practise.. Hummm... How strange. I've never heard of something like that before. But apparently the work that's done there, generates a sense of healing or calm..that stimulates the relaxation that goes along with the treatment.. I was amazed.
I may have only had the needles stuck in me for 45 minutes, but I probably got 2 for the price of 1 today.. I was in a trance of relaxation for more than an hour AND I got a great laugh as well, thanks to Mr. Acupuncturists' forgetfulness. It remains to be the highlight of my week..
The stress has fallen, that I had bubbled during the build-up to my weekend in Holland and the aftermath. Not having any pressure to deal with and feeling at ease where I am, is making more sparks of my lost energy come back again and it's so reassuring. Mr. Acupuncturists words were: "Niamh, you really aren't that far off being strong and healthy, looking back on how far you've come in such a short period of time. It will only get easier and one small extra step everyday, will make it happen without stress and you'll feel great about it". I didn't take this the wrong way. I took this as a real compliment and I even agreed with him. Because I know he's right.
The treatment came and it was the funniest thing ever. Everytime I go into the treatment room, there's a table I have to lie on. Mr. Acupuncturist gives me a few minutes alone, to "settle in" as he calls it. This means.. rolling my trousers up to my knees and rolling my jumper up, half way so he can stick needles in me. I'd lie down on the treatment table and he would knock on the door, come in and puncture me with needles-in my legs and stomach. He'd leave again to return 45 minutes later. Those 45 minutes are the minutes in which all the crazy feelings and sensations can occur.
However, today, I went into the treatment room, took off my shoes, rolled up my trousers and jumper, lay down on the table and waited for him to come back into the room. I waited and waited and waited and waited. No sign of Mr. Acupuncturist coming back to stick needles in me. I started to fall asleep and suddenly jerked up, opened the door and he came out of his office to meet me, wondering what was going on.. He looked at me and said with so much concern "Niamh..is there something wrong?" I'm like.. "no, I just thought you forgot about me". At first he didn't give me the impression that he realized he'd forgotten that I was lying on the table waiting for him to come back in, staring at the ceiling. He just gave me this weird look. So I sat back on the bed, and he says.. "where are the needles? Why did you take them out?" Looking at me as if I was having some sort of break-down or that I was going crazy or something. I shrieked, in laughter.. "You haven't stuck anything in me yet!!!! "
He got a shock and then I got a shock, because he got a shock and we then laughed our heads off. It was so funny. One of those.. "you have to be there" moments. He must have been under pressure or something. But I lay there, after the needles were stuck in me, a tittered to myself.. And continued to do so for the rest of the afternoon. His face was just priceless.
I love moments like that. The typical moments, when the funniness has long passed and you shouldn't been laughing anymore, but you can't help yourself. During the half hour I was waiting for his return, I felt so relaxed. This was without the needles. I felt all tingly and nice. He said to me, that it's the healing energy that is in the practise.. Hummm... How strange. I've never heard of something like that before. But apparently the work that's done there, generates a sense of healing or calm..that stimulates the relaxation that goes along with the treatment.. I was amazed.
I may have only had the needles stuck in me for 45 minutes, but I probably got 2 for the price of 1 today.. I was in a trance of relaxation for more than an hour AND I got a great laugh as well, thanks to Mr. Acupuncturists' forgetfulness. It remains to be the highlight of my week..
Laid back
It's Wednesday evening. There's nothing much going on. I'm not bored, I'm not upset, I'm not ecstatic, I'm not tired, I'm not energized. Just calm. That's all I am. I don't know why, I don't know how. But it's been like this now for days. A lot of things have been keeping my mind occupied. I've been constantly aware of what it is, where it's come from and why.
Yesterday I felt full of beans on the inside. I had energy and I could feel so much life inside me. (maybe the fact that I went to the toilet 4 times might have helped) I somehow felt different. The day started off and I wanted to do lots with all this energy. I felt I could take on the world and be happy with it. After 10 minutes of starting to frantically clean and tidy, I forced myself to take a step back and to look at what I was doing. I could see that I was in actual fact freaking out about things not being in the right place and about the mess (not that there was a big mess or anything). It was so early in the day and I didn't want to ruin it. So I did a little experiment. I left the cleaning and tidying along, and I sat down to write. It wasn't important what I wrote, I just had to.
So I sat down and 3 hours later I was finished on the computer and that was that. I didn't look at the mess. I didn't want to clean. It didn't annoy or frustrate me anymore. I wasn't freaked out anymore. All the nervous energy I had after breakfast that I was going to use to burn calories by cleaning and tidying, was gone. I used it to make me feel better. I used it to do right by myself. I felt great afterwards and still had some energy left to go down town for an hour.
After dinner I wasn't exhausted. I wasn't upset. I wasn't feeling awful. But I was still okay. I had to ask myself.. Do I want to isolate myself? Do I want to shut myself off? Because that's what I usually would do, after dinner. A force of habit. But now, I was still feeling lots of bubbles inside, and I needed to do something with it. I wouldn't have been happy to shut myself off. I ended up reading this amazing book, for a few hours. That wasn't really my intention, and I didn't see it as a chore either. I just picked it up, only to flick through it and I couldn't stop. I felt so good afterwards.
It might sound like a normal day and you may wonder what the big deal is. Well, I was doing all this, yesterday, with a total different approach. I was doing these things without force. I was doing them without effort. I was doing them whilst being controlled by Fay. It was all coming from the heart and not from the head. I took a time-out in the morning which prevented the day from being a disaster. If I would have channelled my energy in the wrong directions, I would have been back in bed by 1 in the afternoon, in floods of tears and the day would have been ruined. An experiment that proved to be a success.
Tuesday night was another little experiment.. I was watching telly for an half hour. It was only early and I could feel that I was starting to feel down. All day I was feeling fine, but suddenly something hit me, and I wanted to be alone and cry. So that's what I did. But as soon as the tears dried out, I started thinking about what Diann said I should figure this week: Whenever you're feeling down and low but have the energy to pick yourself up, in order to stop yourself from giving Anna strength, what could you do to make yourself feel happy and good about yourself? I thought and thought.. I wanted to try a few different things..I'd soon know what felt right. I ended up listening to an audio book I have on my ipod. It was so nice. I lay there, alone but with my bedroom door open, rocking my doll that I have by my bed, stroking her face, listening to this book full of so many brilliant things. I lay there for an hour or so, I didn't feel trapped and afterwards I was feeling a sense of calm and normality. How nice can that be?
So now, it's Wednesday evening. I'm totally calm.. it's feels unreal.. I'm on the verge of being so laid back that I'm nearly horizontal. Or maybe it's because it's nearly time for me to sleep.. hummm.. not sure. But it doesn't really matter.. It's all good again.
Yesterday I felt full of beans on the inside. I had energy and I could feel so much life inside me. (maybe the fact that I went to the toilet 4 times might have helped) I somehow felt different. The day started off and I wanted to do lots with all this energy. I felt I could take on the world and be happy with it. After 10 minutes of starting to frantically clean and tidy, I forced myself to take a step back and to look at what I was doing. I could see that I was in actual fact freaking out about things not being in the right place and about the mess (not that there was a big mess or anything). It was so early in the day and I didn't want to ruin it. So I did a little experiment. I left the cleaning and tidying along, and I sat down to write. It wasn't important what I wrote, I just had to.
So I sat down and 3 hours later I was finished on the computer and that was that. I didn't look at the mess. I didn't want to clean. It didn't annoy or frustrate me anymore. I wasn't freaked out anymore. All the nervous energy I had after breakfast that I was going to use to burn calories by cleaning and tidying, was gone. I used it to make me feel better. I used it to do right by myself. I felt great afterwards and still had some energy left to go down town for an hour.
After dinner I wasn't exhausted. I wasn't upset. I wasn't feeling awful. But I was still okay. I had to ask myself.. Do I want to isolate myself? Do I want to shut myself off? Because that's what I usually would do, after dinner. A force of habit. But now, I was still feeling lots of bubbles inside, and I needed to do something with it. I wouldn't have been happy to shut myself off. I ended up reading this amazing book, for a few hours. That wasn't really my intention, and I didn't see it as a chore either. I just picked it up, only to flick through it and I couldn't stop. I felt so good afterwards.
It might sound like a normal day and you may wonder what the big deal is. Well, I was doing all this, yesterday, with a total different approach. I was doing these things without force. I was doing them without effort. I was doing them whilst being controlled by Fay. It was all coming from the heart and not from the head. I took a time-out in the morning which prevented the day from being a disaster. If I would have channelled my energy in the wrong directions, I would have been back in bed by 1 in the afternoon, in floods of tears and the day would have been ruined. An experiment that proved to be a success.
Tuesday night was another little experiment.. I was watching telly for an half hour. It was only early and I could feel that I was starting to feel down. All day I was feeling fine, but suddenly something hit me, and I wanted to be alone and cry. So that's what I did. But as soon as the tears dried out, I started thinking about what Diann said I should figure this week: Whenever you're feeling down and low but have the energy to pick yourself up, in order to stop yourself from giving Anna strength, what could you do to make yourself feel happy and good about yourself? I thought and thought.. I wanted to try a few different things..I'd soon know what felt right. I ended up listening to an audio book I have on my ipod. It was so nice. I lay there, alone but with my bedroom door open, rocking my doll that I have by my bed, stroking her face, listening to this book full of so many brilliant things. I lay there for an hour or so, I didn't feel trapped and afterwards I was feeling a sense of calm and normality. How nice can that be?
So now, it's Wednesday evening. I'm totally calm.. it's feels unreal.. I'm on the verge of being so laid back that I'm nearly horizontal. Or maybe it's because it's nearly time for me to sleep.. hummm.. not sure. But it doesn't really matter.. It's all good again.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Compliments - Insults - Concerns
Remarks and comments that have been thrown my way, the past year or 2, have stuck in my mind and sometimes at night, when I would lie in bed worrying about 50 kilo's, the remarks would haunt me too. They were mosly made when I was traveling. So much time has passed since then, but I can't get rid of the words and they still effect my thoughts and confirm my fears. The people who made them, wouldn't have thought twice about what they could mean to me. Which is the annoying thing about it. But that's a different issue altogether.
I traveled and always had a photo-album with me, everywhere I went. Photo's of friends and family. Some of them were 3 and 4 years old. I would show them to travel-buddies, just to have a laugh. I never thought I minded when people would make fun of how I used to look and when they called me fatty. The difference was so big and that lead them to call me that, even though years ago nobody ever said that I was fat. Maybe chubby, but never fat..
Or when I was working in the Outback, in the pub, the boss would pass remarks about how great my figure was, but that it wouldn't stay that was for long..not with all the alcohol and fatty foods I'd have to eat. But I'd never put on the weight. I'd do everything to keep it off. And I did. Eating healthy, going to the gym and doing yoga.
A few months later the remarks slowly turned from compliments to concern. When I was in Darwin, friends I'd be traveling with, would ask me why I was so skinny. They'd ask me why I never ate, when I was at work. They'd ask me why I was so strict and wouldn't let myself eat fatty foods. They'd tell me to sort myself out, knowing that something wasn't right. They all said that I didn't need to worry about putting on weight, because I was already skinny. The people who expressed their concern, weren't only the people I was close to. Sometimes customers in the restaurant I worked in, would tell my colleagues how skinny I was. Or my boss would tell me to eat or else I'd burn-out, judging by the pace I ran around the restaurant 10 hours day. Can you imagine.. me and him didn't even get along, and we never spoke, but he expressed his concern and could see that what I was doing wasn't good.
I remember sitting in the hostel, talking to a friend about my weight and I said that my Ma would go mad, if she'd see how much weight I'd lost. But I didn't really care. I was feeling fine and looking good (or so I thought) and the compliments and concern only gave me a boost. It made me feel better and made me want to stay the same weight.
When I got back from traveling, I remember what people said to me. Things that gave me more strength to fight and keep the weight off. Ma said: "Niamh, don't you go buying any clothes, because you'll be putting back on all that weight that you've lost". And it wasn't said in a nice way either. I thought to myself: I'll show you, and everyone, that this is how I'm supposed to be, this is the new and improved Niamh..
Any comments or remarks made after that, I didn't hear. I didn't think anymore about what was happening to me. I just got on with my mission, that was impossible, as I' eventually proved. A mission to stay skinny and live normally. The comments made 8 or 9 months ago, like: You can eat whatever you want, you're skinny anyhow".. and said not in a nice way, but in the most jealous, spiteful and patronizing way possible, made me feel so awful.
I never knew why these comments effected me so badly. Wasn't that what I was aiming for? To be skinny and stay that way. So why did a remark like that, that would usually make me feel better, make me feel disgusting? Maybe because I knew that it wasn't natural anymore. I knew the strain I was putting on myself trying to keep the weight off. I wasn't able to eat anything I wanted. That particular remark, was made back in April. And then I secretly knew, that there was something real bad going on with me. But I never said, I just sat there, and brushed it off and smiled. Something I learned to do best..
All these things that were said to me, I have to let them go. I have to forget them, and maybe be happy they were made, because they have had the effect they were supposed to have on me and forcing Anna to break down.
The comments influenced me, because I let them. But that's life. People will continuously judge others by how they look. It's like people judging how good or bad I'm doing as I recover from Anna..my weight is supposed to be an indication of how great I'm doing. But, underneath it all, it isn't the case. Because over the past months I've felt worse than I felt when Anna was at her worst. Back then I never felt sick and outsiders thought I must have been feeling so ill. Weighing 10 kilo's more was when I properly felt ill.
Trying to answer questions like: who are you? what are you? how are you feeling? by going by how someone looks or weighs..is just so wrong. But knowing this, doesn't mean it's going to stop. It's how the world we live in, has come to work, unfortunately. Whether I agree with it or not, it's not going to change. But I can change the influence other people's opinions of me and remarks towards me, have on me. I can brush them off, just like I just used to brush off the comments of concern. It can't control externals, as I have concluded so many times before, but I CAN control what's the best way for me to deal with it.
I traveled and always had a photo-album with me, everywhere I went. Photo's of friends and family. Some of them were 3 and 4 years old. I would show them to travel-buddies, just to have a laugh. I never thought I minded when people would make fun of how I used to look and when they called me fatty. The difference was so big and that lead them to call me that, even though years ago nobody ever said that I was fat. Maybe chubby, but never fat..
Or when I was working in the Outback, in the pub, the boss would pass remarks about how great my figure was, but that it wouldn't stay that was for long..not with all the alcohol and fatty foods I'd have to eat. But I'd never put on the weight. I'd do everything to keep it off. And I did. Eating healthy, going to the gym and doing yoga.
A few months later the remarks slowly turned from compliments to concern. When I was in Darwin, friends I'd be traveling with, would ask me why I was so skinny. They'd ask me why I never ate, when I was at work. They'd ask me why I was so strict and wouldn't let myself eat fatty foods. They'd tell me to sort myself out, knowing that something wasn't right. They all said that I didn't need to worry about putting on weight, because I was already skinny. The people who expressed their concern, weren't only the people I was close to. Sometimes customers in the restaurant I worked in, would tell my colleagues how skinny I was. Or my boss would tell me to eat or else I'd burn-out, judging by the pace I ran around the restaurant 10 hours day. Can you imagine.. me and him didn't even get along, and we never spoke, but he expressed his concern and could see that what I was doing wasn't good.
I remember sitting in the hostel, talking to a friend about my weight and I said that my Ma would go mad, if she'd see how much weight I'd lost. But I didn't really care. I was feeling fine and looking good (or so I thought) and the compliments and concern only gave me a boost. It made me feel better and made me want to stay the same weight.
When I got back from traveling, I remember what people said to me. Things that gave me more strength to fight and keep the weight off. Ma said: "Niamh, don't you go buying any clothes, because you'll be putting back on all that weight that you've lost". And it wasn't said in a nice way either. I thought to myself: I'll show you, and everyone, that this is how I'm supposed to be, this is the new and improved Niamh..
Any comments or remarks made after that, I didn't hear. I didn't think anymore about what was happening to me. I just got on with my mission, that was impossible, as I' eventually proved. A mission to stay skinny and live normally. The comments made 8 or 9 months ago, like: You can eat whatever you want, you're skinny anyhow".. and said not in a nice way, but in the most jealous, spiteful and patronizing way possible, made me feel so awful.
I never knew why these comments effected me so badly. Wasn't that what I was aiming for? To be skinny and stay that way. So why did a remark like that, that would usually make me feel better, make me feel disgusting? Maybe because I knew that it wasn't natural anymore. I knew the strain I was putting on myself trying to keep the weight off. I wasn't able to eat anything I wanted. That particular remark, was made back in April. And then I secretly knew, that there was something real bad going on with me. But I never said, I just sat there, and brushed it off and smiled. Something I learned to do best..
All these things that were said to me, I have to let them go. I have to forget them, and maybe be happy they were made, because they have had the effect they were supposed to have on me and forcing Anna to break down.
The comments influenced me, because I let them. But that's life. People will continuously judge others by how they look. It's like people judging how good or bad I'm doing as I recover from Anna..my weight is supposed to be an indication of how great I'm doing. But, underneath it all, it isn't the case. Because over the past months I've felt worse than I felt when Anna was at her worst. Back then I never felt sick and outsiders thought I must have been feeling so ill. Weighing 10 kilo's more was when I properly felt ill.
Trying to answer questions like: who are you? what are you? how are you feeling? by going by how someone looks or weighs..is just so wrong. But knowing this, doesn't mean it's going to stop. It's how the world we live in, has come to work, unfortunately. Whether I agree with it or not, it's not going to change. But I can change the influence other people's opinions of me and remarks towards me, have on me. I can brush them off, just like I just used to brush off the comments of concern. It can't control externals, as I have concluded so many times before, but I CAN control what's the best way for me to deal with it.
2 years in the making?
On so many bad days, fat days, sick days or whatever negative title you can give the low days, I've been trying to figure out, what it was I used to eat, years ago and when did the healthy eating turn extreme.
I mentioned to Diann on Monday that I don't know why or how important it is, to say exactly when it started. Diann said it's important because we like to frame things. We like to know what we were being controlled or driven by, throughout the different periods in our lives. I've been asking myself over and over again, if I went to Australia, and Anna had already started. I don't know.
I remember from the very first week I set off, in September 2006, I was terrified of putting on weight. I remember after 2 weeks I wanted to stop eating. I then went to work on the farm and I remember admitting to Jason, my boss, that doing the hard work actually saved me from starving myself. If I hadn't chosen to work on the farm, I didn't see why I would need food. But the level of physical work I was doing meant had to eat. It wasn't for wanting the food, but for needing the food. I can't remember exactly what I would eat. But it was healthy. It had to be. But I do remember I ate chocolate and I drank beer, preferably together.. The weirdest combination but such a treat..
Surely it didn't start 2 years ago? I can't have gone through life, with this, for 2 years? Or could I have? I ate chocolate and drank gallons of beer.. I don't know. Losing the weight so gradually, makes it hard for me to know what it was it was Niamh trying to live a healthy life and when it was Anna making me ill. I seem to think if I figure this out, then I'll know what I should weigh at the end of this and what I should be eating from day to day.
Diann tried to make me see that it doesn't work like that. At different times in your life, you eat differently and your body needs different foods. They always say, that when women reach the age of 30, their metabolism changes. They can't eat what they ate when they were in 20. They sometimes can't digest certain types of food anymore. Sometimes food that they lived on, or that was once healthy and good for them, they now can't stomach. It makes sense because of course our metabolism changes, as does our need for nutrition.
I'll never be able to figure out what I ate exactly, 2 years ago. At the end of the day: Food is food. It's what our bodies need. I shouldn't beat myself up for not remembering what I was eating. Just because I ate it back then, doesn't mean I should be eating it now. My body needs different food now than it did back then. Not until my weight stabilises (and I'm a huge barrel) will I know what food I need on a daily basis. I don't know what my metabolism is like right now or what it will end up being and I don't know when I'll stop putting on weight.
I'm doing what I seem to do best. Worrying about what I'm gonna turn into and what my weight will do and how all the food will make me feel. I just want to be able to eat healthy food and not weigh 50 kilo's. Diann said that I have to get that number out of my head. But I can't seem to. It's because when I dropped below 50 kilo's, 2 years ago, my energy started to go. I lie awake at night and think and worry about this number and would give or do anything not to become that number.As I write this, I can hear Diann talking to me. I am not a number. I'm me. I shouldn't identify myself with what the scales say. But it's so hard. Because that's what I've always done and the worst thing of all, that's what everybody else does too.
It's the society we live in, that identifies a number with a person. Who wants to live like that? Who wants to listen to things like that?.. I don't..Not anymore..
I mentioned to Diann on Monday that I don't know why or how important it is, to say exactly when it started. Diann said it's important because we like to frame things. We like to know what we were being controlled or driven by, throughout the different periods in our lives. I've been asking myself over and over again, if I went to Australia, and Anna had already started. I don't know.
I remember from the very first week I set off, in September 2006, I was terrified of putting on weight. I remember after 2 weeks I wanted to stop eating. I then went to work on the farm and I remember admitting to Jason, my boss, that doing the hard work actually saved me from starving myself. If I hadn't chosen to work on the farm, I didn't see why I would need food. But the level of physical work I was doing meant had to eat. It wasn't for wanting the food, but for needing the food. I can't remember exactly what I would eat. But it was healthy. It had to be. But I do remember I ate chocolate and I drank beer, preferably together.. The weirdest combination but such a treat..
Surely it didn't start 2 years ago? I can't have gone through life, with this, for 2 years? Or could I have? I ate chocolate and drank gallons of beer.. I don't know. Losing the weight so gradually, makes it hard for me to know what it was it was Niamh trying to live a healthy life and when it was Anna making me ill. I seem to think if I figure this out, then I'll know what I should weigh at the end of this and what I should be eating from day to day.
Diann tried to make me see that it doesn't work like that. At different times in your life, you eat differently and your body needs different foods. They always say, that when women reach the age of 30, their metabolism changes. They can't eat what they ate when they were in 20. They sometimes can't digest certain types of food anymore. Sometimes food that they lived on, or that was once healthy and good for them, they now can't stomach. It makes sense because of course our metabolism changes, as does our need for nutrition.
I'll never be able to figure out what I ate exactly, 2 years ago. At the end of the day: Food is food. It's what our bodies need. I shouldn't beat myself up for not remembering what I was eating. Just because I ate it back then, doesn't mean I should be eating it now. My body needs different food now than it did back then. Not until my weight stabilises (and I'm a huge barrel) will I know what food I need on a daily basis. I don't know what my metabolism is like right now or what it will end up being and I don't know when I'll stop putting on weight.
I'm doing what I seem to do best. Worrying about what I'm gonna turn into and what my weight will do and how all the food will make me feel. I just want to be able to eat healthy food and not weigh 50 kilo's. Diann said that I have to get that number out of my head. But I can't seem to. It's because when I dropped below 50 kilo's, 2 years ago, my energy started to go. I lie awake at night and think and worry about this number and would give or do anything not to become that number.As I write this, I can hear Diann talking to me. I am not a number. I'm me. I shouldn't identify myself with what the scales say. But it's so hard. Because that's what I've always done and the worst thing of all, that's what everybody else does too.
It's the society we live in, that identifies a number with a person. Who wants to live like that? Who wants to listen to things like that?.. I don't..Not anymore..
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Session on - The voice
Telling Diann about Saturday and Sunday and the amount of thoughts that arose because I got stuck in the cycle I seem to create, without even realizing it. The cycle of constantly reliving my own grief with the same thoughts, feelings and fears over and over again. The thinking made me reflect and the reflecting made more things come up, that I maybe only needed to say to be able to give a place in the puzzle.
Diann asked me weeks ago, to listen to the voice in my head, to recognize what it's saying and what is happening around me to cause the voice start speaking. I was in the car, driving from the airport up to Orla's house, nearly 2 weeks ago now. I remember how much I was thinking about Tom. Seans father who passed away nearly 3 years ago, after being diagnosed with cancer. Over the past years, I would think about him, of course, sometimes more regularly than others. But the past week, he's been playing on my mind.
I sat on the backseat of the car and felt so guilty. I was thinking about Tom and about the weeks of him being so ill. He traveled from Holland to Ireland where Ma was going to take care of him. I'll never forget seeing how ill he was. Life seemed so unfair, on that Thursday night as I sat there, because I knew that I had just made the journey that he had made. I wasn't in full health but I knew that I'd be doing the journey again and I'd be stronger and healthier. It seemed so unfair that I was allowed to be making this journey and that my health would only get better. For him it was so different.
As I sat there, for the first time, since the start of Anna, I felt like I had been given a second chance, in life. The 2 illnesses are so different from each other and I don't know if it's right for me to say that I got a second chance, because I don't know how ill I got. I don't know how close I could have gotten to the point of no return because I don't know where that point it. I do know however, that somewhere along the line, somewhere between me getting ill and getting better again and Tom getting ill, that our lines or our state of being ill, would have crossed. However, our "lines" were going in opposite directions. I couldn't see why I was getting a second chance, and he wasn't and when the voice got really bad.. I would hear it telling me that it should have been the other way around. He should have gotten better, not me.
I know this was the guilt talking to me. It was Anna getting me down. I had survived getting on the plane in Dublin and I had gotten off the other end and was still living and breathing. So much improvement in such a short period of time, was bound to wreck my head. And that's where the thoughts suddenly came from.
Whenever I was feeling bad over the past weeks, that's would pop into my head. I told Diann yesterday. We then talked about how he was and how it was when I was growing up. It's hard to put it into words how it made me feel, bringing this into the conversation. It was so emotional and I could literally feel it spilling from my insides, it was actually coming out of my heart and hurt like hell..
A combination of grief for loosing Tom and for the "bond" that we had, or the bond that I longed to have with him. There was no other man like Tom. I wasn't going to make everything better or worse. Things used to be exactly that..just as they were. When Ma and Tom first got together, I tried my best for him to like me and for him to maybe even love me. I would strike up conversations but I couldn't get through. He was tough and I was a young girl. There was only so much I could do, before I gave up on seeking approval from him. So we never got close. He was so proud and so strong. I remember that if he were ever to think anything good about me, in any way, shape or form, then my world would be made. I know he did care for us all in his own way. Ma told us many many times.
It wasn't until years later, when all us kids were all grown-up and we had matured, that there was some closeness to be spoken of. I respected him, even after everything that had happened over the years. I remember Ma said that if there was any of us 4 girls he could see being a success in college or to go far in life, it would be me. That, to me, made all the years of us not talking, worthwhile. I had finally gotten approval. He never said it to my face, but knowing that's how he felt, meant the world to me. Someone so strong and so proud, could see something special in me. That was all I needed.
When I was traveling, I would often think..I wish Tom could see me now. And sometimes, since July, I would think..what would Tom say if he could see me now? Diann asked me yesterday, what do I think it would be.. I answered honestly: "Get a grip and get on your life".. That's what I thought he might say. But the answer to what he would say, we'll never know.
Diann asked this, because the way he presented himself or the way he made himself appear to be, to the rest of world, was similar to the opinions I had towards myself. I didn't approve of myself. I wanted him to approve of me. But he never showed it. And to get a glimmer of his approval would make me feel special. It would make me feel just a little bit worthy. I could feel so insignificant, when I was young. But for him to see me as someone special, would mean that I was no longer unimportant, I would then be everything but insignificant. But then Anna made me feel special and she approved of me, in a way nobody ever had.
Diann said that, me being the person I am, it's only natural for me to have picked up on Tom's personality, at such an influential age, without realizing it. The determination he saw in me, he admired. He knew I would go places and do exactly what it is in life, that I wanted. He believed in me.
It's a hard issue, to all of us. And I know that none of us sometimes realize just how big an impact he had on our lives. Diann said to me yesterday, that he admired my determination and that that's the thing I have to hang on to. We don't know what he would have said, if he saw what I was going through. People change and the events people go through change people's opinions and beliefs. But the thing he admired in me, I never should to let go. Letting go of Anna is good, however it's my determination that made her apart of me. He would want me to let her go, but not the source..which is me.. Determined Fay. Something I have to treasure.. I'm grateful for his belief in me, and wouldn't have wanted any of it to have been any different. I'm grateful for it all. And I know by now that gratitude is the key that turns the expected into gifts which is exactly what all of this is.
It was hard talking about this yesterday and it hurt so much. But, as Ma said afterwards, it was playing on my mind for a reason. It needed to be put out there, no matter how hard it was for both Ma and me and even Diann.
Diann asked me weeks ago, to listen to the voice in my head, to recognize what it's saying and what is happening around me to cause the voice start speaking. I was in the car, driving from the airport up to Orla's house, nearly 2 weeks ago now. I remember how much I was thinking about Tom. Seans father who passed away nearly 3 years ago, after being diagnosed with cancer. Over the past years, I would think about him, of course, sometimes more regularly than others. But the past week, he's been playing on my mind.
I sat on the backseat of the car and felt so guilty. I was thinking about Tom and about the weeks of him being so ill. He traveled from Holland to Ireland where Ma was going to take care of him. I'll never forget seeing how ill he was. Life seemed so unfair, on that Thursday night as I sat there, because I knew that I had just made the journey that he had made. I wasn't in full health but I knew that I'd be doing the journey again and I'd be stronger and healthier. It seemed so unfair that I was allowed to be making this journey and that my health would only get better. For him it was so different.
As I sat there, for the first time, since the start of Anna, I felt like I had been given a second chance, in life. The 2 illnesses are so different from each other and I don't know if it's right for me to say that I got a second chance, because I don't know how ill I got. I don't know how close I could have gotten to the point of no return because I don't know where that point it. I do know however, that somewhere along the line, somewhere between me getting ill and getting better again and Tom getting ill, that our lines or our state of being ill, would have crossed. However, our "lines" were going in opposite directions. I couldn't see why I was getting a second chance, and he wasn't and when the voice got really bad.. I would hear it telling me that it should have been the other way around. He should have gotten better, not me.
I know this was the guilt talking to me. It was Anna getting me down. I had survived getting on the plane in Dublin and I had gotten off the other end and was still living and breathing. So much improvement in such a short period of time, was bound to wreck my head. And that's where the thoughts suddenly came from.
Whenever I was feeling bad over the past weeks, that's would pop into my head. I told Diann yesterday. We then talked about how he was and how it was when I was growing up. It's hard to put it into words how it made me feel, bringing this into the conversation. It was so emotional and I could literally feel it spilling from my insides, it was actually coming out of my heart and hurt like hell..
A combination of grief for loosing Tom and for the "bond" that we had, or the bond that I longed to have with him. There was no other man like Tom. I wasn't going to make everything better or worse. Things used to be exactly that..just as they were. When Ma and Tom first got together, I tried my best for him to like me and for him to maybe even love me. I would strike up conversations but I couldn't get through. He was tough and I was a young girl. There was only so much I could do, before I gave up on seeking approval from him. So we never got close. He was so proud and so strong. I remember that if he were ever to think anything good about me, in any way, shape or form, then my world would be made. I know he did care for us all in his own way. Ma told us many many times.
It wasn't until years later, when all us kids were all grown-up and we had matured, that there was some closeness to be spoken of. I respected him, even after everything that had happened over the years. I remember Ma said that if there was any of us 4 girls he could see being a success in college or to go far in life, it would be me. That, to me, made all the years of us not talking, worthwhile. I had finally gotten approval. He never said it to my face, but knowing that's how he felt, meant the world to me. Someone so strong and so proud, could see something special in me. That was all I needed.
When I was traveling, I would often think..I wish Tom could see me now. And sometimes, since July, I would think..what would Tom say if he could see me now? Diann asked me yesterday, what do I think it would be.. I answered honestly: "Get a grip and get on your life".. That's what I thought he might say. But the answer to what he would say, we'll never know.
Diann asked this, because the way he presented himself or the way he made himself appear to be, to the rest of world, was similar to the opinions I had towards myself. I didn't approve of myself. I wanted him to approve of me. But he never showed it. And to get a glimmer of his approval would make me feel special. It would make me feel just a little bit worthy. I could feel so insignificant, when I was young. But for him to see me as someone special, would mean that I was no longer unimportant, I would then be everything but insignificant. But then Anna made me feel special and she approved of me, in a way nobody ever had.
Diann said that, me being the person I am, it's only natural for me to have picked up on Tom's personality, at such an influential age, without realizing it. The determination he saw in me, he admired. He knew I would go places and do exactly what it is in life, that I wanted. He believed in me.
It's a hard issue, to all of us. And I know that none of us sometimes realize just how big an impact he had on our lives. Diann said to me yesterday, that he admired my determination and that that's the thing I have to hang on to. We don't know what he would have said, if he saw what I was going through. People change and the events people go through change people's opinions and beliefs. But the thing he admired in me, I never should to let go. Letting go of Anna is good, however it's my determination that made her apart of me. He would want me to let her go, but not the source..which is me.. Determined Fay. Something I have to treasure.. I'm grateful for his belief in me, and wouldn't have wanted any of it to have been any different. I'm grateful for it all. And I know by now that gratitude is the key that turns the expected into gifts which is exactly what all of this is.
It was hard talking about this yesterday and it hurt so much. But, as Ma said afterwards, it was playing on my mind for a reason. It needed to be put out there, no matter how hard it was for both Ma and me and even Diann.
Session on - The dream
After talking so much about the trigger, I ended up telling her about my dream. The dream I had on Saturday night. Or more to the point, the nightmare I had. I fell asleep, while I was watching Desperate Housewives, on dvd. I didn't read, which I usually would do. So my mind was still wired and I wasn't properly "switched-off" after such a horrible day full of ****.
In my dream I was having a nightmare that I was asleep, upstairs in my room. A weird set-up and hard to put into words.. But anyhow, I was trapped in my room. It was dark, the middle of the night and I was alone. The door was jammed shut. I was screaming for somebody to come and help me. Somebody had to open the door, because I couldn't. There was no sound coming out of my mouth but my throat was so sore from trying to scream. My heart was racing and I was in such a state of panic. I finally opened the door and Ma and Sean were there. They were there to catch me and to calm me down. I couldn't speak so they brought me back to bed and that's when I woke up.
My heart still racing and I was so scared of what had happened. I think I continued to sit up in bed. I was half asleep, half awake and I don't know for how long I was sitting there. But I my orientation was out-of whack and I had the worst sleep ever..as you can imagine.
Diann wanted to hear the dream in detail. She asked me what the main emotion was that I felt. Just one word.. Fear. She asked me what could have happened in the dream, to make the fear go away. I could have turned on the lights and my room wouldn't have been so scary. The panic I felt..would that have gone away if I had reassured myself that I was safe? No, because rational and calm thoughts aren't strong enough to make everything feel okay again, when the fear is so massive. If there was someone that I could have made appear, to make me feel calm, instantly, who would it have been? Ma and Sean.. who eventually made their entrance.
I didn't initially see what this dream could have meant and I didn't really know why Diann was analyzing it. But during the hours before going to bed, all I wanted was to be alone and isolated from the world. The next day, the feeling was still there. So I thought that the dream was just confirming that. But it wasn't. Not if Dianns interpretation is anything to go by.
There was a stage in my recovery, when isolatio was all I needed, wanted and longed for so much. I wanted to not to be apart of the world. I wanted to let everything and everybody around me be busy and do their thing, as long as I wouldn't have to even think about taking part. That's what I needed, months ago. But the stages in recovery change. Anna's pressence changes, as do my needs and longings.
Diann thinks that this dream was a sign, telling me that I don't need isolation as much as I used to. I don't need to lock myself away. I need to open the door and turn on the light, in order to feel safe. Whereas weeks or months ago, I needed to close the door and turn the lights off, to feel safe. Seeing and hearing nobody was the best thing for me.
My subconscious mind was telling me, that I know there's so much more out there, that will make me feel better and make me feel safe. Leaning and needing others and being open about it, is also apart of the new phase. But, come to think about it, it won't be a phase, as it will be lasting a lifetime. Because that's how I used to be. Open and never scared to show that I needed people that love me, to lean on. I wouldn't feel like a failure by admitting it. There was a stage, when I wouldn't and couldn't open up to anybody.
Being shown, how Niamh, as a person, feels best and happiest and safest, through a dream or a nightmare or whatever it can be classed as, is the craziest thing to have happened. I read somewhere a few months ago, that people can be told certain things in their dreams. Certain questions can be answered, certain confirmations can be made or can come to light. Clarifications and realizations can be determined. Choosing to see what the dream means is choosing to listen to my inner-voice or my intuition. A voice that isn't always heard or isn't always accessible, during the hours of being awake.
Sometimes it's so hard to know what's best and to know at what stage of recovery I am. Not that there are any written rules about the stages every person goes through on the road to recovery.. but still. Sometimes I think I'm doing exactly what I need and what's right. I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and the more I tell myself this, the more I'll believe it to be true. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's right. We can convince ourselves of whatever we want. That's the easy part. The hard part is recognizing that that's what we were doing and that it wasn't the right thing at all. So I was convincing myself of I something that I thought was right for me and I needed this dream to tell me that I'm starting to need different things.
I trust the dream I had. I trust my dream telling me I need to open the door. I trust my dream telling me I'm safer when I'm opening up and living in the light of day and being hugged by Ma and Sean.
Going into hibernation or isolation, was a slow process and took over without me being all too aware of it. Coming out of hibernation will also be a slow process. I secretly expect it to happen overnight, but that's being unrealistic. It's also probably the only mistake I made by going to Holland. I thought I could deal with life and with so many people at once. I didn't give myself a chance to slowly "let myself out of my cage". I went from one extreme to another. When I came back, I thought I had to get back to hibernation again, because that's what I missed so much when I away from Arklow for 4 days. That's what I did. I had convinced myself that's all I wanted. But the dream told me, that that's not what I need anymore.
I've been told many times before that I need to trust my intuition and trust myself when making decisions no matter how big or how small. I've been told to learn to fully rely on myself to get me where I need to be and to go where I need to go. I'm so grateful for having had this dream. I so grateful that underneath all the grief I still know what's best for me and I'm especially grateful for Diann picking up on the meaning of the dream. I now don't only think see's a genious in herself, but also an amazing dream analyist..
I'll still have days that I'll need my room and my loneliness. But it will get less and less, because as I get back to full health, my own person will get to how it's supposed to be, too. Not dark, not alone, not scared and not without sound.. All the things in the dream that made it into a nightmare. But bright, with people, fearless and loud.. All the things that would have made the nightmare become a dream. The person I once was, who's in there and who needs to get out.
More to come :)
In my dream I was having a nightmare that I was asleep, upstairs in my room. A weird set-up and hard to put into words.. But anyhow, I was trapped in my room. It was dark, the middle of the night and I was alone. The door was jammed shut. I was screaming for somebody to come and help me. Somebody had to open the door, because I couldn't. There was no sound coming out of my mouth but my throat was so sore from trying to scream. My heart was racing and I was in such a state of panic. I finally opened the door and Ma and Sean were there. They were there to catch me and to calm me down. I couldn't speak so they brought me back to bed and that's when I woke up.
My heart still racing and I was so scared of what had happened. I think I continued to sit up in bed. I was half asleep, half awake and I don't know for how long I was sitting there. But I my orientation was out-of whack and I had the worst sleep ever..as you can imagine.
Diann wanted to hear the dream in detail. She asked me what the main emotion was that I felt. Just one word.. Fear. She asked me what could have happened in the dream, to make the fear go away. I could have turned on the lights and my room wouldn't have been so scary. The panic I felt..would that have gone away if I had reassured myself that I was safe? No, because rational and calm thoughts aren't strong enough to make everything feel okay again, when the fear is so massive. If there was someone that I could have made appear, to make me feel calm, instantly, who would it have been? Ma and Sean.. who eventually made their entrance.
I didn't initially see what this dream could have meant and I didn't really know why Diann was analyzing it. But during the hours before going to bed, all I wanted was to be alone and isolated from the world. The next day, the feeling was still there. So I thought that the dream was just confirming that. But it wasn't. Not if Dianns interpretation is anything to go by.
There was a stage in my recovery, when isolatio was all I needed, wanted and longed for so much. I wanted to not to be apart of the world. I wanted to let everything and everybody around me be busy and do their thing, as long as I wouldn't have to even think about taking part. That's what I needed, months ago. But the stages in recovery change. Anna's pressence changes, as do my needs and longings.
Diann thinks that this dream was a sign, telling me that I don't need isolation as much as I used to. I don't need to lock myself away. I need to open the door and turn on the light, in order to feel safe. Whereas weeks or months ago, I needed to close the door and turn the lights off, to feel safe. Seeing and hearing nobody was the best thing for me.
My subconscious mind was telling me, that I know there's so much more out there, that will make me feel better and make me feel safe. Leaning and needing others and being open about it, is also apart of the new phase. But, come to think about it, it won't be a phase, as it will be lasting a lifetime. Because that's how I used to be. Open and never scared to show that I needed people that love me, to lean on. I wouldn't feel like a failure by admitting it. There was a stage, when I wouldn't and couldn't open up to anybody.
Being shown, how Niamh, as a person, feels best and happiest and safest, through a dream or a nightmare or whatever it can be classed as, is the craziest thing to have happened. I read somewhere a few months ago, that people can be told certain things in their dreams. Certain questions can be answered, certain confirmations can be made or can come to light. Clarifications and realizations can be determined. Choosing to see what the dream means is choosing to listen to my inner-voice or my intuition. A voice that isn't always heard or isn't always accessible, during the hours of being awake.
Sometimes it's so hard to know what's best and to know at what stage of recovery I am. Not that there are any written rules about the stages every person goes through on the road to recovery.. but still. Sometimes I think I'm doing exactly what I need and what's right. I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and the more I tell myself this, the more I'll believe it to be true. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's right. We can convince ourselves of whatever we want. That's the easy part. The hard part is recognizing that that's what we were doing and that it wasn't the right thing at all. So I was convincing myself of I something that I thought was right for me and I needed this dream to tell me that I'm starting to need different things.
I trust the dream I had. I trust my dream telling me I need to open the door. I trust my dream telling me I'm safer when I'm opening up and living in the light of day and being hugged by Ma and Sean.
Going into hibernation or isolation, was a slow process and took over without me being all too aware of it. Coming out of hibernation will also be a slow process. I secretly expect it to happen overnight, but that's being unrealistic. It's also probably the only mistake I made by going to Holland. I thought I could deal with life and with so many people at once. I didn't give myself a chance to slowly "let myself out of my cage". I went from one extreme to another. When I came back, I thought I had to get back to hibernation again, because that's what I missed so much when I away from Arklow for 4 days. That's what I did. I had convinced myself that's all I wanted. But the dream told me, that that's not what I need anymore.
I've been told many times before that I need to trust my intuition and trust myself when making decisions no matter how big or how small. I've been told to learn to fully rely on myself to get me where I need to be and to go where I need to go. I'm so grateful for having had this dream. I so grateful that underneath all the grief I still know what's best for me and I'm especially grateful for Diann picking up on the meaning of the dream. I now don't only think see's a genious in herself, but also an amazing dream analyist..
I'll still have days that I'll need my room and my loneliness. But it will get less and less, because as I get back to full health, my own person will get to how it's supposed to be, too. Not dark, not alone, not scared and not without sound.. All the things in the dream that made it into a nightmare. But bright, with people, fearless and loud.. All the things that would have made the nightmare become a dream. The person I once was, who's in there and who needs to get out.
More to come :)
Session on - The trigger
My session with Diann, yesterday morning, was okay. It had only been 5 days since I last seen her. But, as every week, it wasn't a wasted journey as there always seems to be something to either give out about, to worry about, to cry about, to feel good about or to be happy about.
This week, all of the above, seemed to have taken part. It's a "soup of emotion", as Diann calls it. I sit there and repeat myself over and over again, but as I've said before, that's the nature of therapy.
The whole week I've been trying to settle down after my weekend in Holland. I've been needing to focus on just myself. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less. I needed to get back to eating as much as I can or eating intuitively. I needed to rest and catch up on sleep. I needed to feel safe again and concentrate 100% on getting better.
2 or 3 weeks ago, Diann said to me, that I shouldn't think myself into a knot. I shouldn't feel bad for feeling good. I shouldn't create more torture where there shouldn't be torture. I've suffered enough and need "down-time". Time to not think about anything. This should help me from thinking myself sick, in every sense of the word. I have done this enough times before, to realize that it only makes things worse and I use all the nutrition for the wrong things, which won't make me feel vital and energized and therefore prolong this whole process. I've been trying to avoid doing this, all week long. I was doing so well. I wasn't feeling guilty for not feeling bad and I wasn't forcing myself to figure out more things. But it happened anyway.
Saturday afternoon, something triggered it. It wasn't something major. I was looking at some photo's. Up until then, I was having some good and stress-free days. But instantly I felt awful. However I recognized it as it was happening. I felt down, everything started to upset me. I didn't have all the food I should have eaten. I wanted to be alone and didn't want to talk to anybody. It continued until Sunday evening.
I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I kept on telling myself, that I didn't make this feeling happen by feeling guilty. I didn't bring it on myself. I'm just feeling like this, so I have to accept it. I didn't want it, but it was just an emotion, and I therefore had to own it. So that's what I did. I thought, whilst feeling like this, if I ovethink it, I'll just be making it all worse and creating more problems than there were. And at the same time, thinking about the thinking, of course I was thinking too much..my biggest down-fall.
The most important thing that this should have taught me, was that seeing what the trigger is. If I can recognize what it is that happens in daily life in order for me to feel so low, then I should also be able to teach myself the best way to cope with it. If I can handle it properly, then it doesn't always have to ruin my days and control what I eat.
Nobody can control or know what it is that triggers something inside of you, in order for you to act in a certain way. If we had control over these triggers or knew what they were, then they wouldn't be triggers. We don't know what can happen from day to day, that will cause us stress, depression, anger or feelings of being overwhelmed in some way or another. If we were able to so, we would be able to predict the future and nobody would ever act out of character and the world would be a perfect place.. well, that's what the aim would be. But it doesn't work like that. If only..
You could compare it to anger management. People can get angry at the drop of a hat. These people need to find a way to deal with it. But they can't control what will happen on a daily basis for the trigger to be set off.
I know I shouldn't worry about not having control over the trigger or knowing what it is. I just need to recognize it, when it happens, and find out, what it is that will turn the depressed, angry, sad or lonely feeling around and to feel a little better, if possible.
Resourcing. That's what Diann said. Everyone has something different that will make them feel happy and that takes them away from their own thoughts, when the thoughts get too much and too overwhelming. I tried to do so many things, whilst being alone, on Saturday just to make it all stop. I tried reading but I still felt low and depressed and was still thinking too much. I tried to listen to music but that either made me feel sad and cry or it made me feel like partying followed by self-pity for not being able to or the music just plainly gave me a headache. I tried doing nothing, but of course that made things worse. I wanted to watch a dvd, but couldn't concentrate, so then I watched some of the boxset of Desperate Housewives and fell asleep, hoping and wishing for the morning to come.
Sunday it continued. I went from reading to crying to isolation to sleeping to writing.. And then it finally lifted. The writing took me out of it. Diann reckons it depends on the mood and the trigger as to what it is that will feel good and right at that moment of doom and gloom. For me though, it can feel so wrong, even when I've found what it is I need to get myself out of my own head. Because I'm afraid of forcing everything. I seem to think, that if that's how I'm feeling, then that's just how it is and I should give into it. Diann said that sometimes you will be tired of picking yourself up and that the feeling will take over. But it doesn't have to be like that all the time. Especially when I get stronger and more and more in control of Anna.
A normal life will take over, once Anna leaves, and daily things will constantly have an effect in some way or another. Whilst "working and playing" we are all influenced by externals.. everything on the outside has some sort of effect on ourselves, inside. We can't control externals, but we can control how we process it, internally.
I can't control the trigger but I can control what happens after that. I'm not to let it ruin my food-intake. I'm not to let it bring me down. I've been doing enough of that the past 6 months.. But it's hard, because I don't always have things I would usually have, around me to make me feel okay again. Like going for a walk, meeting up with friends, an instant change of surroundings other than this kitchen with the walls coming in around me. But temporary circumstances shouldn't make me sad or upset. I'm strong enough for such a small thing to NOT have a hugely bad effect on my getting better. Really, I shouldn't and I therefore won't..
More to come :)
This week, all of the above, seemed to have taken part. It's a "soup of emotion", as Diann calls it. I sit there and repeat myself over and over again, but as I've said before, that's the nature of therapy.
The whole week I've been trying to settle down after my weekend in Holland. I've been needing to focus on just myself. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less. I needed to get back to eating as much as I can or eating intuitively. I needed to rest and catch up on sleep. I needed to feel safe again and concentrate 100% on getting better.
2 or 3 weeks ago, Diann said to me, that I shouldn't think myself into a knot. I shouldn't feel bad for feeling good. I shouldn't create more torture where there shouldn't be torture. I've suffered enough and need "down-time". Time to not think about anything. This should help me from thinking myself sick, in every sense of the word. I have done this enough times before, to realize that it only makes things worse and I use all the nutrition for the wrong things, which won't make me feel vital and energized and therefore prolong this whole process. I've been trying to avoid doing this, all week long. I was doing so well. I wasn't feeling guilty for not feeling bad and I wasn't forcing myself to figure out more things. But it happened anyway.
Saturday afternoon, something triggered it. It wasn't something major. I was looking at some photo's. Up until then, I was having some good and stress-free days. But instantly I felt awful. However I recognized it as it was happening. I felt down, everything started to upset me. I didn't have all the food I should have eaten. I wanted to be alone and didn't want to talk to anybody. It continued until Sunday evening.
I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I kept on telling myself, that I didn't make this feeling happen by feeling guilty. I didn't bring it on myself. I'm just feeling like this, so I have to accept it. I didn't want it, but it was just an emotion, and I therefore had to own it. So that's what I did. I thought, whilst feeling like this, if I ovethink it, I'll just be making it all worse and creating more problems than there were. And at the same time, thinking about the thinking, of course I was thinking too much..my biggest down-fall.
The most important thing that this should have taught me, was that seeing what the trigger is. If I can recognize what it is that happens in daily life in order for me to feel so low, then I should also be able to teach myself the best way to cope with it. If I can handle it properly, then it doesn't always have to ruin my days and control what I eat.
Nobody can control or know what it is that triggers something inside of you, in order for you to act in a certain way. If we had control over these triggers or knew what they were, then they wouldn't be triggers. We don't know what can happen from day to day, that will cause us stress, depression, anger or feelings of being overwhelmed in some way or another. If we were able to so, we would be able to predict the future and nobody would ever act out of character and the world would be a perfect place.. well, that's what the aim would be. But it doesn't work like that. If only..
You could compare it to anger management. People can get angry at the drop of a hat. These people need to find a way to deal with it. But they can't control what will happen on a daily basis for the trigger to be set off.
I know I shouldn't worry about not having control over the trigger or knowing what it is. I just need to recognize it, when it happens, and find out, what it is that will turn the depressed, angry, sad or lonely feeling around and to feel a little better, if possible.
Resourcing. That's what Diann said. Everyone has something different that will make them feel happy and that takes them away from their own thoughts, when the thoughts get too much and too overwhelming. I tried to do so many things, whilst being alone, on Saturday just to make it all stop. I tried reading but I still felt low and depressed and was still thinking too much. I tried to listen to music but that either made me feel sad and cry or it made me feel like partying followed by self-pity for not being able to or the music just plainly gave me a headache. I tried doing nothing, but of course that made things worse. I wanted to watch a dvd, but couldn't concentrate, so then I watched some of the boxset of Desperate Housewives and fell asleep, hoping and wishing for the morning to come.
Sunday it continued. I went from reading to crying to isolation to sleeping to writing.. And then it finally lifted. The writing took me out of it. Diann reckons it depends on the mood and the trigger as to what it is that will feel good and right at that moment of doom and gloom. For me though, it can feel so wrong, even when I've found what it is I need to get myself out of my own head. Because I'm afraid of forcing everything. I seem to think, that if that's how I'm feeling, then that's just how it is and I should give into it. Diann said that sometimes you will be tired of picking yourself up and that the feeling will take over. But it doesn't have to be like that all the time. Especially when I get stronger and more and more in control of Anna.
A normal life will take over, once Anna leaves, and daily things will constantly have an effect in some way or another. Whilst "working and playing" we are all influenced by externals.. everything on the outside has some sort of effect on ourselves, inside. We can't control externals, but we can control how we process it, internally.
I can't control the trigger but I can control what happens after that. I'm not to let it ruin my food-intake. I'm not to let it bring me down. I've been doing enough of that the past 6 months.. But it's hard, because I don't always have things I would usually have, around me to make me feel okay again. Like going for a walk, meeting up with friends, an instant change of surroundings other than this kitchen with the walls coming in around me. But temporary circumstances shouldn't make me sad or upset. I'm strong enough for such a small thing to NOT have a hugely bad effect on my getting better. Really, I shouldn't and I therefore won't..
More to come :)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Running, Escaping, Hiding
Can I escape, can I run, can I flee, can I hide?
Can I stop this constant aching I feel on the inside?
Will it help, if I spill my guts, open-up and confide?
But I feel it's too big, the distance too vast, too wide
Each noise, each bang, each tune, each sound and sense of glee
Sends my insides crazy, creates a knot and causes me to see
That I cannot go, I cannot run and there's nowhere I can be
I can never be alone, I can never be Niamh, it's all stopping me
No look, no sound, no voice, no laughter or talking required
There shouldn't be so much an expectation or mood desired
I cannot cope for the fuss and commotion makes me so wired
And feeling so strung-out tells me I'm just about expired
What can I do to leave it and get away from it all?
The level has changed, causing a different form of fall
No matter how much they leave me, my nerves are still a ball
Because I'm still not alone and have to answer that call
Blocking it out and switching it off for silence to remain
Is harder than it sounds, without feeling the pressure and strain
A minor unsolvable problem, causing such unexpected pain
As the screaming inside continues to banish any fibre that once felt sane
Is it too much when it's so little or maybe less?
In my head it's causing an unimaginable mess
So unfair but liberties bring me unwelcomed stress
And therefore it'll stay as it is and I'll never openly confess
Avoiding the eyes as much as a person possibly can
It means there's no facing who I really am
Forever I'll stay for not seeing where it all began
And the strength was never felt, so in the end, I never ran
Hiding, running and escaping every little thing
The worst is the loudness of an internal non-existing ring
It will remain to make me feel awful and continue to sting
I can only conclude how much I long for the return of my missing wing...
Can I stop this constant aching I feel on the inside?
Will it help, if I spill my guts, open-up and confide?
But I feel it's too big, the distance too vast, too wide
Each noise, each bang, each tune, each sound and sense of glee
Sends my insides crazy, creates a knot and causes me to see
That I cannot go, I cannot run and there's nowhere I can be
I can never be alone, I can never be Niamh, it's all stopping me
No look, no sound, no voice, no laughter or talking required
There shouldn't be so much an expectation or mood desired
I cannot cope for the fuss and commotion makes me so wired
And feeling so strung-out tells me I'm just about expired
What can I do to leave it and get away from it all?
The level has changed, causing a different form of fall
No matter how much they leave me, my nerves are still a ball
Because I'm still not alone and have to answer that call
Blocking it out and switching it off for silence to remain
Is harder than it sounds, without feeling the pressure and strain
A minor unsolvable problem, causing such unexpected pain
As the screaming inside continues to banish any fibre that once felt sane
Is it too much when it's so little or maybe less?
In my head it's causing an unimaginable mess
So unfair but liberties bring me unwelcomed stress
And therefore it'll stay as it is and I'll never openly confess
Avoiding the eyes as much as a person possibly can
It means there's no facing who I really am
Forever I'll stay for not seeing where it all began
And the strength was never felt, so in the end, I never ran
Hiding, running and escaping every little thing
The worst is the loudness of an internal non-existing ring
It will remain to make me feel awful and continue to sting
I can only conclude how much I long for the return of my missing wing...
Too much thinking
This weekend I've been all over the place. I don't know why. It started yesterday afternoon. I was checking some photo's from last weekend, the party, and I saw myself and felt so bad. The bad feeling of Saturday night came rushing back and that was me..up in a heap for the rest of the night or probably the remainder of the weekend, if today was anything to go by.
I don't know why it brought me down so much. Since seeing the pictures, everything has been upsetting me. The smallest things that have no signifance whatsoever, have been bringing me down and I've been feeling so yuck along with it. I've been worrying about my weight again, I've been wrecking my head when it came to dinnertime, I've been trying to imagine how awful and fat I'm going to get and my room hasn't been tidy enough. It's all been making me so emotional and I'm just waiting for it all to pass. But what will I have once it passes.. there'll be nothing left again.
My body has been feeling lifeless aswell and yesterday I was having dizzy spells for doing nothing at all. Just sitting with my eyes closed, and a slight turning and spinning would start and my heart would race.. only occassionally though. So I knew that I had to take it as easy as possible, all day yesterday and today.
Last night I had the worst sleep ever. I wanted the day to end as quickly as it could so I went to bed at around half 9, watched a dvd and fell asleep. Woke up after having the worst nightmare ever. I was dreaming that I was having a nightmare..sounds a bit odd.. a nightmare in a dream.. it's like watching someone on telly who's watching telly..
Anyway, I was trapped in my bedroom. I couldn't get out and I was screaming at the top my voice, straining it, but nothing was coming out. I was panicing and going hysterical and banging on the walls. Finally I got out, and Sean and Ma were on the otherside of the door to catch me and calm me down. That's when I woke up and I was sitting up in bed. I think I sat there for ages, half asleep, half awake as my dream continued. It was the strangest thing ever. At one stage I thought it all might have been real and that I might have seen Ma and Sean in person, outside my bedroom door.. I wasn't sure. But this morning Ma said nothing, so I'm gathering that it was all in my dream.
This morning I didn't want to speak or listen to people. I wasn't able and every noise was too much. Every little bit of commotion was making me go insane. I couldn't deal with anything. I needed silence so badly. Tranquility and Isolation. Those are the things I needed. But it was hard to get them. I couldn't. Or only for a very short while.
I've been drained and feeling **** all day. I've been reading, and in bed and out bed and back in bed and out of bed again. Torturing myself all day long. But trying to keep my mind active with anything other than bad thoughts. It's been so tiring and draining. I've been sick of the tv, so reading was the answer. But it's not a great book, so I'm reading but thinking about everything else at the same time. Thinking about what I used to eat years ago. Thinking about what I'm gonna be eating for the rest of my life. Thinking about traveling. Thinking about all the things that upset me. Thinking about Diann. Thinking but knowing too much of this thinking is bad for me. A self-indulgence of the worst form.
All week, since coming back from Holland, I've been trying to do so well. But something has made it all go belly-up. I've been crying for the littlest things..for the noise..for the wardrobe that Eileen didn't shut properly..for the pain in my legs..for not wanting to read and for doing it anyway.. So many things driving me insane. And still being able to be normal around people but hating every minute of it.
My head is fussy and feels full. Will I ever be able to properly empty it and feel light again? I want to feel normal again and I want to relax, but I simply can't, even if relaxing is the impression I give off..I'm doing everything but relaxing..
I don't know why it brought me down so much. Since seeing the pictures, everything has been upsetting me. The smallest things that have no signifance whatsoever, have been bringing me down and I've been feeling so yuck along with it. I've been worrying about my weight again, I've been wrecking my head when it came to dinnertime, I've been trying to imagine how awful and fat I'm going to get and my room hasn't been tidy enough. It's all been making me so emotional and I'm just waiting for it all to pass. But what will I have once it passes.. there'll be nothing left again.
My body has been feeling lifeless aswell and yesterday I was having dizzy spells for doing nothing at all. Just sitting with my eyes closed, and a slight turning and spinning would start and my heart would race.. only occassionally though. So I knew that I had to take it as easy as possible, all day yesterday and today.
Last night I had the worst sleep ever. I wanted the day to end as quickly as it could so I went to bed at around half 9, watched a dvd and fell asleep. Woke up after having the worst nightmare ever. I was dreaming that I was having a nightmare..sounds a bit odd.. a nightmare in a dream.. it's like watching someone on telly who's watching telly..
Anyway, I was trapped in my bedroom. I couldn't get out and I was screaming at the top my voice, straining it, but nothing was coming out. I was panicing and going hysterical and banging on the walls. Finally I got out, and Sean and Ma were on the otherside of the door to catch me and calm me down. That's when I woke up and I was sitting up in bed. I think I sat there for ages, half asleep, half awake as my dream continued. It was the strangest thing ever. At one stage I thought it all might have been real and that I might have seen Ma and Sean in person, outside my bedroom door.. I wasn't sure. But this morning Ma said nothing, so I'm gathering that it was all in my dream.
This morning I didn't want to speak or listen to people. I wasn't able and every noise was too much. Every little bit of commotion was making me go insane. I couldn't deal with anything. I needed silence so badly. Tranquility and Isolation. Those are the things I needed. But it was hard to get them. I couldn't. Or only for a very short while.
I've been drained and feeling **** all day. I've been reading, and in bed and out bed and back in bed and out of bed again. Torturing myself all day long. But trying to keep my mind active with anything other than bad thoughts. It's been so tiring and draining. I've been sick of the tv, so reading was the answer. But it's not a great book, so I'm reading but thinking about everything else at the same time. Thinking about what I used to eat years ago. Thinking about what I'm gonna be eating for the rest of my life. Thinking about traveling. Thinking about all the things that upset me. Thinking about Diann. Thinking but knowing too much of this thinking is bad for me. A self-indulgence of the worst form.
All week, since coming back from Holland, I've been trying to do so well. But something has made it all go belly-up. I've been crying for the littlest things..for the noise..for the wardrobe that Eileen didn't shut properly..for the pain in my legs..for not wanting to read and for doing it anyway.. So many things driving me insane. And still being able to be normal around people but hating every minute of it.
My head is fussy and feels full. Will I ever be able to properly empty it and feel light again? I want to feel normal again and I want to relax, but I simply can't, even if relaxing is the impression I give off..I'm doing everything but relaxing..
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