Bad Morning

I can't seem to sit still and I can't seem to sleep properly because I'm not doing anything during the day. Sleep doesn't really feel like something I need. If I'm not doing anything, then why should I need to sleep? I hate this so much. I know it's so bad for me to be thinking like this but I can't help it. Sleep, for me, just seems to be a way of killing time. It doesn't feel like a way to calm down and to get energized again. Why would I need to do this, if I don't need any energy? Because I don't do anything to use up all this energy. Absolutely nothing. And it's making me so mad and so frustrated. Why can't I do anything? Why can't I busy myself during the day, the way I want to and use my energy and feel good about it and then feel happy when I can go to bed at night and sleep the rest of my life away if that's how I'm feeling? Why can't I do that?

I've been busying myself and maybe it's wrong. I just don't know. I wake up every night so many times, and each time I wake up, I consider getting up and sitting downstairs, reading and being alone while the rest of the world lives and parties and I just continue to read and sit and read and sit, as my hips grow and looking as if I've not got a problem in the world. Or so it may look, on the outside. Maybe I'd feel better if I were to get up in the middle of the night and live, while everyone else sleeps..that way I wouldn't have to face anybody and I could do what I like? Wouldn't that be great, isn't that exactly what I want? A life all by myself, alone, without being watched or monitored or having to explain myself or analyze my week or force myself to pick myself up when I'm feeling down or force myself to be amongst people when really I don't? How can I ever get my own space? I can't. I might not ever get it again.

I want the whole world to be my space. But it's not. I want to be alone but meeting people. I want to be my own person again but not feel like an outsider. I want to feel normal but not mainstream. I'm not digging, I'm not trying to make things harder. When I sat down here, at my laptop, I didn't tell myself what I wanted to write. I just started typing and this is it. This is what's inside right now, and I hate it so much. And then I look in the mirror and want to erase my reflection because it's just awful. But I can't, because it's me and I have to accept that.

It hurts so much. Everything. Not being able to do anything or feel fine within myself. It hurts in my chest and my stomach is still feeling too full and my throat is still feeling like it's being closed off. Nobody understands anything but I don't think I want anybody to either. Because it's my thing isn't it? I don't need to hang on to anybody anymore, for dear life. I don't. I can hang onto myself and I'll get there. I don't need people around me anymore. But I can't shut people out. It would only upset things. I don't want to feel like a child anymore and that's how I'm made to feel by how people either ignore me, talk to me or treat me. Because nobody would ever ask me what's going on in my life, but that's because I don't want them to. So why is it p***ing me off then? They only know too well not to ask me, because I don't want to talk about it. But it makes me feel like an outsider at the same time. Like they couldn't care less. Like I'm invisible. Like I don't really matter. I know it's not true, I know that, but it's just how it makes me feel.

I need to start living my own life again. What if I were to go back to work and still struggle with Anna? Would I be able for it? Maybe I'd feel better, because I'd have my independence back. But then again, it might just set me back and muddle with my head. I just cannot say how much I hate this. Really I can't. There's seems to be nothing that's making me feel at ease. I'm seeing so many things and I know so much but it's only making me feel worse. Because I'm still leaning on people and I don't want to anymore. I want to start doing things for myself. Just me and not feel guilty for leaving people behind or for "fooling people" or for not needing people anymore.

Again, I could sit here and go over and over how much I hate everything, but it's only going to muck up my head, so I might just not do it anymore. Would that be better? I don't know. But going round and round and round certainly isn't helping. The other thing that isn't helping is being on the internet and seeing all the things I could be doing and not being able.. that's not making things easier. But if I wasn't to do that, then surely I'd never see what opportunities there are and start thinking about the road ahead..

Right, I'm gonna quit while I'm head.. or at least, quit while I'm in the middle of breaking down.

Bad Breakfast

Saturday morning.. Feeling uncomfortable and having troubles at breakfast time.
The songs on the radio are the same over and over again. I even seem to know what song they're going to play, just before it starts. A sure sign that my world is far too small and that I've totally had it with thinking about food and trying to figure out if I'm eating what I want, when I want. A sure sign that I need more, so much more but there's no where I can get it from, at this moment. There's no where I can go for a conversation. There's no where I can just go to, all my by myself without having to ask for anybody else to assist me or to help me or without having to explain why, when, what and how.

I can't keep on going and thinking about food and about what I'm eating. Because I don't need to analyze it. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. The less I'm fantasizing or looking forward to a meal, the more worried I get.

Yesterday wasn't too great. I was feeling down and alone for a while even though there were people around me. I wasn't alone but I was still an island. It was just me in my world, looking at the rest of the world in theirs and thinking about food and feeling cold. All I wanted to stay curled up in bed because that's where I was safe and warm, but I couldn't. I knew if I did, it would feel bad and might not have been able to sleep..maybe that's why I was so cold too, because I've been sleeping so bad and maybe it was the tiredness that got to me.. I don't know..

Anyhow, I've had this strange feeling in my throat for days now. It's was just sore to start off with. Eileen had the flu, so I was bound to catch something. But since yesterday it's been feeling like I'm being choked. Like it's closing up and food not wanted or needed and it's just awful. It's like I'm full, all the time and there's no need for me to ever eat again. I don't need it. I've only been having one supplement a day for the past week and even that's too much. I don't feel hungry anymore and my stomach is always full. And the worst thing about it, is that I can't do anything to get rid of that feeling. It might not help that I'm not able to go to the toilet either (sorry for gory details). My stomach is satisfied, 24 hours a day and it's not a nice feeling. Because, let's face it, who wants to sit down to a massive dinner when they're already full? Who can enjoy food, if they aren't hungry and feel like somebody has cut off the passage through which food should be consumed? Nobody.. you don't have to have had an eating disorder to feel that it's just wrong.

I went to bed last night and I knew it might be a problem.. my breakfast this morning. Why? because I want too much. I want to eat it all and I can't because I'm just not hungry. I feel bad for eating and I feel bad for not eating. So there's no winning really. I wanted some fruit & fibre cause it's yummy. But when I woke up I still had that feeling in my throat so I thought it would be best to have that cereal because there's more liquid in it, which would make it easier to swallow than if I were to have yogurt with muesli.

As I was making up my mind, I was already thinking about what I could have throughout the rest of the day.. I could have some yogurt and fruit in the afternoon after having some smoked salmon on toast. But I thought by doing that, I might be getting back in to my old habits, which were: eating too much cereal, muesli, yogurt and fruit. But if that's what I wanted to eat, then shouldn't that be okay?? So I decided that's what I was going to do, I made it and was smelling it..huummmm. I wasn't too hungry so that cereal wouldn't fill me too much and soon it would be time for smoked salmon.

But no.. because I then started to worry that I might be eating too much and the fruit&fibre might not be a nutritious breakfast and I need a filling breakfast with more grains and fruit.. So I left the bowl of cereal and made my usual yogurt. But I looked at it and thought that too, was the wrong decision. I thought maybe it would have been better for me to wait to have yogurt until around 3 o'clock, because then I'd look forward to it and enjoy it more.. But if I were to have the cereal, my breakfast would be over too soon and I didn't want that either. So what was I supposed to do?

I soon came to the conclusion that whatever I were to eat, wouldn't have been the right thing. Both breakfasts would have wrecked my head. It was all because I wasn't hungry and I feel like I'm eating too much and so bored that all I can do is analyze the food and try find the answer as to why I'm eating what I'm eating.
What did I eventually eat in the end? I thought, if it's all feeling too much then I should just stick to what's "safe" and what's more nutritious at the same time and the one that will keep me satisfied for longer. And that was the yogurt and muesli. I was enjoying it so much. And I started to think that if I still craved some cereal during the day, I can have some, as a snack maybe. If that's what I want, then surely I can let myself have it?

I was feeling so full, even after a few bites. But I had to just sit and eat it. I never let myself throw anything out. No matter how full I am. Because once I do that, then I feel bad because I think I'm restricting. I was feeling so uncomfortable though and I don't know why.

Maybe because of the breakfast I had yesterday.. I had fruit & fibre mixed with Shredded wheat. And I was so full that I thought I'd never be hungry again. But I had to keep on eating, so I had a slice of toast. I wasn't too happy about that either.. but I finished it. Then I had some fruit and yogurt and nuts. That was real tasty but it kind of freaked me out because I might not have had enough protein which isn't good.. And then all I wanted to do was keep on eating but I couldn't think about food anymore. I was sick of it. So I went shopping with Ma for a couple of hours, which got me away from my thoughts (even though we were doing food shopping..) I had dinner, which was some chicken in soup and brown bread. It was real nice and then I had a supplement at around 9. Surely that isn't a lot of food in one day..

To get a comprehension as to how much food I've been eating, I've been trying to estimate the amount of calories I've been taking. So on a day like yesterday I had around 1600. Is that a lot? I don't know. I don't think so. I wasn't hungry at any point throughout the day, only just before dinner maybe. But I wasn't wanting to eat. Maybe because of that disgusting feeling in my throat? All this had got me thinking that it might be better for me to try eat 6 small meals a day. They say that when you do that, and they're healthy foods, that you will never feel hungry and it's better for you and you'll never get fat. If it's healthy, you can actually eat all day long if you like. That way you'll never overeat and you'll never feel bad for stuffing your face and that way there'll never be any guilt and that will mean there'll never be any reason to want to restrict or compensate.. Is that why I'm overthinking it all, because I really want to eat 6 small meals a day but I can't because it might be for the wrong reason??

Why is it all a problem? I really have no idea. But I know that I could sit here all day analyzing it and trying to find out why I'm feeling like this. But, to be honest, I don't really care anymore. Why should I care if I overeat today and undereat tomorrow and get fat in the process of it all? Okay, I know it's not as simple as that. But can't I make it that simple? Can't I just blank my mind from all the worries about putting on weight and eat and feel fine? Well, if that were the case, then I wouldn't be in this situation, would I? No, I wouldn't..

I think I might have to stop right here.. I just don't want to think about food anymore and I want to get moving in any direction, so so so badly but right now, there's no way out.

Family dynamics

Family dynamics. What does it mean? So much more, than I had ever expected. 2 weeks ago, I was talking to Diann about this subject, or she was talking to me more like. It's complicated and I never really knew they existed.

The dynamics in a group or in a class..yes I know all about that as I've learned about that years ago, when I was tourguiding. Every group is different and made up of different personalities. Each person takes on a certain role within the group. The other personalities within a group, determine your position. If you are a dominant person and you find yourself in a group or a class of which the majority is also dominant, this would effect your part or your presence, within the group. You'd be maybe more withdrawn or quiet and less of a leader than you would be if you were to be in a group or class of which the majority is laid-back or shy or less driven. If you are a chatty person, you might be less chatty if you were in a group surrounded by 10 other chatty people than if you were to find yourself in a group with people who don't have the natural ability to talk.

Every person within the group reacts differently to different personalities and to different situations. Every group is different and the people around you, determine the role you take within this group. Everybody can remember a group or a class they were a part and that made them feel comfortable, happy and gave them great friends and experiences. Usually that's down to the fact that all the personalities as they had been brought together, didn't cause any major friction because people weren't having to act differently to keep the peace. On the other hand, I'd say everybody can also remember a time in their lives when they found themselves in a group or a class, where they just didn't feel comfortable.. Sometimes certain people just fit together without anybody needing to adjust their own behaviour or way of interacting and other times some people just don't fit together.. it's all group-dynamics.

Families work more or less the same. Whilst growing up, everyone takes on a certain "position" or role within the family. Different personalities are almost being forced to feel at home, within the family at the same time as growing up together, living closely side-by-side, having to deal with puberty, finding your way in life and wanting to belong and feel comfort whether you fit in or not. The role that is put upon you, becomes normal and over the years it's this role that everyone expects you to take on and to continue being. Nobody even realizes that they were playing a certain role, within the family, until everyone grows up and moves out of the house and lives their own lives.

That's when it becomes evident if you have felt at ease whilst fulfilling this role you played for years and years. Your true person comes out because you have the space to be and do as you wish. Maybe the role you played, was exactly according to how you were to continue in your life. Maybe, within the family, you became the "one-your-mother-doted-on-the-most", maybe you became the "second mother", maybe you became the "problem child" or maybe you became "odd-one" or the "special-one". And once you stepped foot out into the world, away from the dynamics of the family, away from what people wanted or expected you to be, that's when it came to light that you might not have felt fine with playing that part within your family.

It can become clear, that it was the whole set-up within the family that made you act in a particular way, beyond your control. The environment in which you grew up and the effect certain family situations and certain family members had on you, was all because of the dynamics. Stepping outside of this, is when so much can become clear and when you can deal with the issues that were a problem for you back then, but are brought to the surface when you are thrown back in to that family circle again.

You often hear, that once siblings leave home and start to grow-up that suddenly they create a closer bond with each other, they understood one another more and they can see things in that person that they couldn't see or appreciate when they were still living in the same house. This is because the siblings have a different role now. They don't have other family members causing them to act in a certain way, just to keep the peace. They don't have to live up to certain expectations and they can be more at ease because they are living their own lives without having to fit in to the family as is expected of them to do so.

When everyone has left home, and the family comes together again, that's when everyone automatically slips back in to the role the had, when they were growing up. The family is back together again so in order for everyone to be in harmony together, the roles are subconsciously being played again. But everyone is older and wiser and if they open their eyes, they can see what's happening. This can cause the family gatherings to be disastrous, especially if you come from a family where nearly all members have issues they haven't dealt with. Some might not be happy filling that same role as they did when they were younger. It can cause them to feel the awful feelings they felt when they were younger and that in turn can cause gatherings to not be a someone would want.

How can I relate that to me? Well, it makes everything make so much sense. Because I've only started to see how our family works, 2 weeks ago at Christmas. Our family, they are my world, but were are a complicated one and I think that's inevitable with so many of us. At Christmas when we were all together again, it was the first time in years that I wasn't filling the role I used to fill.. or the role I'd been filling for the past 5 or 6 years anyhow.. The role of trying to make everyone have a good time and for things to go smoothly and being in a certain way so that everything would just slot together. No, this year I went back to the role I filled when I was so much younger.. I'm talking about how I was feeling towards Eileen. Which is so bad.

When we were growing up, I was such an awful person towards her. All my anger and frustration I took out on her because she had all the things I didn't. She was pretty, spoilt and got all the attention. I was or got nothing of the sort and it's only now that I'm seeing why I treated her like that, when we were kids. It all came back up, over Christmas, especially on the days I was feeling bad. I had made peace with how mean I was, when I was 17 or 18. But after Christmas I was feeling so guilty about it, and even as I could feel and see it happening there was nothing I could do to stop it. It all came back up over Christmas. Diann suggested I write her a letter, go through it all, deal with it, face up to my responsibilities, make peace with it and then burn it. That way it's dealt with. So I did that last week and it took a few days for the feelings to settle, but they did and now I'm fine again. As Diann put it: "Don't beat yourself up about it, because it just old s**t. Don't stress about it, just accept it". So that's what I've done.

It got me thinking about how complicated it all can be and Diann said that it's not until everyone deals with their own issues, and also possible issues with other family members, will everyone not feel the need anymore to fill that role they played when they were young. Then again, if everyone is feeling fine within the family then there isn't a problem.

I know why I wasn't able to fill the role I usually would fill..which was making sure Da was feeling at ease and it was because I was dealing with so much stuff myself. I didn't have the energy and I couldn't take on the responsibility of making one of my parents feel happy. Because that's where my problems started in the first place. Not being able to fix them or cure their problems and thinking by seeking approval I could somehow or someway make things okay. I can never ever think like that again. Dealing with MY issues in my own way will make that need go away and I'll probably never fill that role I used to fill within the family again. But that will be a good thing because I'll feel fine with it. I'll accept people and situations as they are and they'll accept me, as I am.. hopefully.

Reflective mood

There are days, like today, when I'm convinced I'll never be the same again. I'll never be able to talk and laugh and be with people the way I used to be. I haven't been bothered to have conversations. Yesterday I was the same. The day before as well. I don't go around and take the face off everyone. No, I haven't really had the energy, the drive or the need to talk, react or interact. Is it because there's still so much going on in my head? But how can that be, if I'm not crying and feeling down? Right now, I'm not really feeling low or down. It's like I have to be either one or the other.. Either down, angry, crying and frustrated or I have to feeling happy, chirpy, bubbly and full of life. But I'm not either of those two. So I start doubting myself..

Will I be that bubbly person again, or has she gone and will never be seen again? I want that happy person back, so badly. If I feel like I'm coming out of the woods, then surely that happy person should be accompanying me. But is she anywhere to be seen? Not at all. Do I still want to have fun like I've never had fun before, which is without boundaries and without restraints? Of course I do. I'd love for nothing more. Am I just not "rebuilt" properly yet? But if my head is clear and if it has been for the past few days now, then shouldn't that mean there's space for laughing and interacting??

Am I trying to take on too much, as usual? Am I making a problem where there isn't one? Is it true what Diann said, weeks and weeks ago that I need time to process these months, deal with them and let everything that's happened sink in? All that I've learned and all I've achieved. All I've been forced to loose but at the same time, all I've been forced to gain. Is this a whole different stage of letting go of Anna, that I've landed in, the past week or 2? The "coming to terms with what has happened-stage" and the "accepting myself as I am-stage".. I seem to think that all is over, but I know it's not even though I'm not that far off, so I'm wanting everything to just fall into place. But it hasn't. Not until it does, will it be over. Everyone keeps on telling me, that I'll know. I'll be able to feel it. I honestly can't believe that.. But maybe I'm wanting too much too soon.

I find myself searching and searching the internet to find what it is I'm wanting. But as I write this I know I'm looking in the wrong place, because I know where all the answers are and I know where I can find what it is I really want. But I'm looking for what it is, in society, I can do to keep on going and learning as I have been the past months. All these ideas and opportunities going round in my head, which is everything, then get me thinking and wondering about what lies ahead. About what I could do and about how I want to live my life. And it excites me, but I can't show it because I don't want to and I can't talk about it because I don't want to.

This brings me to the question..has my personality changed? But surely if I write and it energizes me and I feel enthusiastic and everything here is just me telling the truth and being real about how I'm doing and feeling, then doesn't that mean that there's still a happy person in there, full of life and waiting for adventure? Or am I just fooling myself and does Anna want to ruin it all for me, by making me tell myself this..??

Why can't I just enjoy this feeling of not being here nor there? Why can't this uncertainty of how long this journey will end up taking and the mystery of where I'll be in months to come, excite and energize me? Why not? Is it strange that I want to feel that way? Because that's how I used to always feel whenever I'd be looking ahead and on the verge of starting a new chapter in my life, a new adventure. Back then, the build-up and the waiting wouldn't be painful or torture..it would be like walking on air with butterflies in my stomach or a headrush or a fluttering of the heart.. all of those feelings because of the unknown. Back then, I'd know I'd be leaving, and I'd know where I was going but I wouldn't know what it was going to be like or I wouldn't know what great people I would meet or I wouldn't know what it would feel to live temporarily in that country or that lifestyle. And those were the things that I thrived on. They got me through.

The whole combination of the unknown and the feeling each time as a new chapter in my life was about to start and whenever I was venturing out and starting something fresh and new, would keep me high.. like when I was going to college, to London, to Austria, to Greece, back to Ireland, to Australia.. The only time in my life I didn't feel all those great feelings, was when I was getting a job in Holland when I came back from traveling and when I chose to come back to Arklow to fight Anna. It was like life had stopped and I was never going to do all the things I wanted..

Right at this moment, when I look back over the last 6 months, it overwhelms me. Instead of glorious feelings, I get a lump in my throat, I get a woozy head, I get tears in my eyes, I get a heaviness in my stomach and an aching in my heart. Because I haven't come to terms with any of it. Every day, since I've been back in Arklow, I had to take it as it was, one step at a time because I was terrified of what looking back or looking forward would do to me. But coming out of the "being ill-mode" or the "recovery-mode" means I have to face up to what happened. But at the same time, there are other things going on in my life too. Well, not necessarily.. Only the things I choose to take on, only the things I choose to let into my life and to occupy myself with. But isn't that also a part of coming out of "recovery-mode".. branching out and thinking ahead and wanting to express everything inside of me to the world and engaging with daily life and society again? Surely I'm only doing what I'm capable of, and that's what everybody else is capable of too.. occupying themselves with different things and not being afraid that their brain will go into overdrive after being used for so many different things each day over and over again. All this is normal and your brain is able to cope with all the different things going on.

So aren't I doing okay by being totally focused on every aspect in my life, past, present and future? Isn't this what I need to be doing instead of stressing about not wanting to speak? If I'm being as I want to be, then can't I let go of the fact that I could just as well be living a life of silence in a convent and it wouldn't bother me? Yes I can let that go because it's obviously what I need to give me something to get out of bed for in the morning and feel fine about what's happening and to carry this feeling throughout the day, just to get through.. I need to focus and that's what's got me so quiet and so reflective. So that's all I have to say on the matter for now.. or not actually say, but type..

The fields of green

Picture this.. A person in the middle of a field surrounded by nothing but plains of green as far as the eye can see. The land is flat but there's nothing to see only the skies and the fields in which this person stands and the horizon, showing that there are no houses, no people, no life..nothing. So this person stands alone, but has no idea when or how they got there. They therefore don't know which way to go. There's nothing, just a field of green. This person doesn't know the way back to where they came from or the way forward to somewhere where they might have opportunities. They don't know if something else might exist. They don't even know how to stand still. Because this person has never stood still before.

What is someone to do when this happens? Feeling alone in the world but really not being alone. Feeling trapped but being free. Feeling frustrated but mistaking it for liberation. Feeling overwhelmed but being scared of the possibilities this situation they have found themselves in, might have brought upon them. There doesn't seem to be any help. There doesn't seem to be any way back. There's only fear of the unknown. It can seem uncertain and frightening. There's nothing to hold on to and there's no security. Is this needed to find the way out? Isn't it an adventure to find out where to go and how to get there and what got you there in the first place? Isn't that what everyone would dream of.. an adventure into the unknown?

The unknown doesn't give stability and isn't dependable. But whilst searching for the best way out of the surroundings, which are the green fields as far as the eye can see, can't this person find something that's far more fulfilling and far more invigorating than a path that has already been walked on by the previous lost person? By being creative and relying on their own intuition to get them on the path they need to be, isn't that more rewarding and a greater learning experience? There's nobody who has ever taken that route before and there's nobody who will ever take that route again. It's created and experienced only by this lost person and if some other lost soul were to take the same route they would experience it differently. So it would therefore still be a different path. Because every person interprets the world or their journey in a different manner.

As everyone has different views, opinions, backgrounds, relationships, hopes, dreams and desires. That's what makes each journey different and these are also what got that person to find themselves surrounded by green plains. Their upbringing, their behaviour, their experiences, their relationships and so much more led them to find themselves lost. And by being a lost soul they were forced to find themselves again. Finding the path back to where they came from or towards a different life, a life that won't lead them to find themselves lost again, will show them who they really are. By being lost, someone is also being found but just in a different physical and mental place.

Without this person being forced to see that they are lost, this person will never properly go through the process of seeing themselves as being found. Found by another part of themselves and found by people who have the answers to all the questions and to all the mysteries this person never thought they'd find the answers to. In this place where all the answers are and where all becomes clear is the place where this lost person is found. Their soul is no longer classed as being "missing" or but it's "found".

Finding the answers and being found by others will forever take away the fears this person felt when they stood in the green fields alone, with only the skies above and the horizon so clear that it were as if there wasn't anything else on this earth. Because managing to loose themselves like that, but still being able to find a way back, gave this person the knowledge they required to see that there is more to life that meets the eye, far more than the horizon, far more than the skies and are more than the fields of green. There is so much more but at that moment in time, this lost person only needed the reassurance of these fields and skies and horizon to see that all the effort they put into searching for their path and finding their way to where they needed and longed to be, was worth while. It showed them that the mystery of life can be experienced, embraced and appreciated. The mystery of life that can't be touched, heard or seen but that's there and to become aware of it by feeling and by finding that path to where this person needed to be, is nothing short of a miracle.

Embracing the miracle of being lost and then found again is to find a way to live again and still appreciate the fact that once upon a time an adventure or a journey was started in the middle of that green field and still remember how if felt to feel lost and to feel found and all that lay between. Using the power from wherever it was coming from, will always remain within this person. Because the green fields will remain, as will the skies, as will the horizon but they will be perceived differently because the journey that was undertaken lead to an experience and as everyone knows, experiences change people and it changes the way one stands in life. The way one will feels if they may find themselves standing alone surrounded by green again. Second time round it's different, there's no fear or loneliness but strength and willpower and reassurance that the fields offer adventures, that the skies offer clarity and that the horizon offers a new life..

Walking & Food

It's Wednesday afternoon and I'm pretty restless. I'm finding it hard to busy myself in a good way. I want to do so much and it's so nice outside but I've already been for walk this morning to the garage and I can't go walking again..

Yes, it's finally happened, after months and months of not daring to venture out for that 15 minute walk, I did it this morning. It was so nice. The sky was blue and it was cold but I wasn't freezing. I was strong and wasn't floating. I was here on this planet. I was gone for around 45 minutes. I wasn't walking for that amount of time, but was in the garage itself checking out the magazines and stuff. Just as I was approaching the house, I could feel the muscles in my legs feeling odd and my back was starting to ache. So it was enough and probably just as well that I was back home again. But I wanted to go out again. I didn't want to be couped up indoors. Not while I was feeling good with being outside and not while the weather was so nice.

It was so strange to walk up. Just small things that can be so nice. Like smiling at a stranger instead of hanging my head in shame for what that person might think of me. I don't have that anymore. Is that a sign my confidence is coming back? I think so. I know it's good but I don't want to think about it too much.

I just want to get out of this house, so badly. I totally sick of it right now. Which is such a shame because I was feeling so fine, but not being able to get out again, is frustrating me. That's just typical me isn't it.. never pleased with a small step but always wanting more and more and more..

Does that make me greedy? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I've done today? I don't know.. Anyhow, food-wise things have settled since Saturday and I've been feeling fine with it. I don't know what was bothering me on Saturday but I think I had been restricting myself because suddenly the food started to freak me out. The day started and I got excited about all the food that I was going to be eating for the rest of my life and how my I was going to be enjoying it and then I wanted to start eating and never ever stop again. Then I had to throw myself into doing some things on the computer but once I was having dinner and eating again I felt like it was the worst thing in the world for me to be doing. It felt strange.. putting one fork full of food into my mouth after the other...shovelling it down me, almost like a pig. Then I was thinking..who ever came up with the principal of eating to stay alive?? Where did that come from and then the thoughts of what was happening inside me were taking over..
I didn't let all this stop me though. I kept on eating because I had to. I knew if I let it stop me, the next day I'd be wanting to binge.. I'm not too sure what was wrong with me on Saturday, but come to think of it, it was when I was feeling down about the photo's and memories of Oz. So maybe that had something to do with it.

The past few days have been fine. But the mornings are the time of day that I've been worrying about and that are starting to freak me out. I sit at night and I thinking about the next morning. Almost being afraid of what will come.. Will I start I want to eat the whole morning? If I don't, will I be restricting myself and then will I end up binging anyhow? Why have I suddenly started to worry about the mornings? Because breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. It's all I want.. I want yogurt, and cereal and fruit and toast and tea and fruit juice.. I want it all but I can't indulge.. The past 3 days I've been having a bowl of fruit & fibre for breakfast with fruit juice and then around lunchtime I've been having yogurt nuts and dried fruit. If I'm feeling hungry in between I'll have a slice of toast. So that way I'm getting all the things I love. I've treated myself and the day is only half over.. and there's still so much more eating to be done..

I don't know if I'm doing good or bad. But it's what I want to eat. Yes, I'm planning it, so I'm not really eating intuitively. But who does? Nobody really. Everyone has their set meals of what eat during the week, so why can't I? I've eaten like this for the past 2 or 3 days and I've been satisfied and full. I haven't had a craving for anything else. So shouldn't that mean it's good?

I don't eat according to the food-plan either. I haven't for 3 or 4 weeks now, ever since I was sick from the sweet potatoe. And those potatoes were a vital part of the plan, so if I'm not eating them anymore, the plan is automatically out the window. But it doesn't really say that I can't have the food on the food-plan anymore and have a normal potatoe instead of the sweet one. I don't really like normal potatoes.. Maybe once a week and that would be a lot. But certainly not everyday.

At the moment, I'm eating less than the amount of food that's on the plan. I don't feel hungry enough to constantly eat that large amount of food. But then again, I don't count calories each day, so I don't know if what I'm eating now is the same intake as the food-plan. Or come to think of it, I know for a fact that it isn't. Because I'm not eating constantly. And when I'm eating the food-plan, I am constantly eating. If I don't feel the need to eat that amount of food, then isn't it okay? I think so. As long as I'm not restricting myself. And I think I know when I have consciously or subconsciously been in restraint. It's when I suddenly can't stop thinking of food and want to eat and never stop and when the kitchen is freaking me out. But that's always AFTERWARDS. I can't yet always see it, when I'm actually restricting.. I'm not too sure if I've got it all worked out yet and it's complicated and hard to see at times. But maybe I just need more "practise".

So for now, I'm eating what I want and that's okay I think. The sun is starting to set.. There goes my day.. Out the window.. no chance of getting to enjoy the nice weather. O well, hopefully there'll be more days like this and at least I've done something with my restlessness..

Keeping the peace

Calm and quiet and letting nothing inside to upset
Trying to focus and see this feeling as my net
A net that will catch me when I fall, slip or slide
If focus and peace move on or decide to hide..

As easy as it sounds, it's never ever the case
The thoughts will try to manifest and erase
Any tranquility or easiness I come across
They'll always try to control and be my boss..

Does it feel easy or does it feel strange
Can I just enjoy it and adjust to the change
The change is will slowly creeping up on me
As I accept what has happened and try to be free..

I should deserve this peace, this quiet, this ease
After dealing with addiction that will continue tease
I can feel fine and deal with life as I can
And not dwell on the past and be happy that I am..

Maybe to create a my own place to protect me still
As I have no idea if I can handle excitement or thrill
Will I get ahead of myself which might set me back
Or can I teach myself to live without feeling black..

Is life going to be like walking on the shells of an egg
As Anna will remain apart and she might continue to beg
Will it die down and will I feel happy she gone
And will I not forever have to question what's wrong..

Going about a daily life feeling focused with energy
Will that still give me the ability to feel natural ecstasy?
Can I run again and not have to ask myself why
Without the feeling that I'm trying living a lie..

I'll never run for the wrong reason or goal
All I want is strength and health and a happy soul
As I try to listen, feel, be and learn
I can focus on the fire inside myself to constantly burn..

Respecting boundaries

Boundaries. Diann has tried to explain to me, both yesterday and last week Monday, how they effect me and what it is they mean. I have started to try see where my boundaries are with the people around me. So picture it like this: there's me..or there's you. The person who is centre stage, is the person's whose life it is. Because afterall, your life is a "play" and the main character in this play, is you. It's around you that life takes place and you determine the plot of your story, which is your life.

Anyhow. Back to boundaries. You are standing in the this world, living your life surrounded by family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues and strangers. Every person you come into contact with, can make you feel a certain way. They can make you feel relieved or angry. They can make you feel happy or sad. Everybody can name a person who can make them feel a certain way. With boundaries it's about seeing how other peoples behaviour or issues can effect your own mood. You know who to turn to when things get rough, you know who NOT to turn to when you want to stay in a good mood. Therefore you determine where the boundaries are with every person you come into contact with. You can let them into your life, your heart or your soul. You can keep them at a distance and only give them small amounts of your attention and your energy. These boundaries can change though, as they are flexible. Letting them in, or keeping them as far away as possible doesn't have to mean you love or dislike that person any more or any less. It's just your state of mind that determines the feelings that come up when you come into contact with them or when there is an opportunity to come into contact with them. It can make you happy or bring on stress. It can make you feel special or make you feel tired, just by thinking about it.

To me it seems so complicated. Last week I've been thinking about it and I've been trying to figure out how certain people make me feel when I'm stressed or sad or happy or chilled-out. Whenever I'm happy or chilled, I can deal with probably every mood, state of mind or issue the people around me have, without them having a negative effect on me. Then the boundaries aren't there, but they don't need to be. Not on my part anyhow. So I can let them in. But it works both way and it could be that they have their own boundaries as to how close I'm allowed to come into their world because I might make them feel a certain way; A way that they aren't too happy about.

People who accept you whatever way you are, be it angry, frustrated, depressed or lonely, are people who can usually pick up on how the boundaries are set at a certain time. They can sense if you are in the right frame of mind to deal with them or with their problems. They can feel if you are okay with being around them and they also know that it isn't personal if you aren't feeling okay being around them. Because it isn't. It's just your own issues that are occupying your mind, your own internal turmoil, that's stopping you from feeling capable of letting them in. I don't think it has anything to do with love but it can effect us more when it's the people who we love the most that we can't let in or when they can't let us in. I think.. It confuses me a lot of the times, especially as I've been trying to put it into practise and trying to see where my boundaries are with certain people in certain situations.

Diann told me that they are flexible. They aren't built never to be removed again. They can change and they aren't anything to feel bad about. But what can I do with them? And why are they an issue? If I can see where my boundaries are with certain people when I'm feeling a certain way or when they're feeling a certain way, then I can use this knowledge to not let the boundaries be broken so we both still accept each other and not let it effect the way we treat each other or feel towards each other. I think.. I'm not too sure.

When someone steps beyond the boundaries and comes too close, that's when I can get freaked out, if I'm not feeling good. That's when I need space and if I don't get it, I can't deal with what's going on in my head. That happened during the Christmas week. And I know it will happen again. It wasn't until last week Monday, when Diann started talking about boundaries that I realized that's also the reason why for so long, I couldn't let anybody in. I couldn't open-up. I couldn't speak about how I was feeling and I couldn't say if it was good or bad. Because I needed space. There was simply too much going on in my head. I still often feel like that, but not all the time. I would stress and worry about why I wasn't as able to open-up as I used to. Why was I so closed off and why couldn't I just open my mouth and say what it was that was bothering me? I think now I know why.. If I've got the whole "boundary-theory" worked out that is.

Yesterday I still wasn't understanding it all that well. But Diann said, just think of the word "safe". If it feels safe to be around people and to feel fine with interacting with them, then your boundaries aren't up and you don't need a lot of space and you can deal with issues, other than your own. If it doesn't feel safe and if someone walks into the room and instantly your stomach scrunches together, then it isn't safe. If this happens, I shouldn't feel the need to treat that person not too nicely. I could see it as a trigger or as a warning sign that I need space and that's when I need to take it. It's when there's alot going on in my head and when I can't deal with certain situations or certain people. It works the same way for the other person too. If I can pick up that someone isn't fine with me talking to them or with them opening up to me or me opening up to them or if it makes them become distant, instantly, then they need their space and I should give it to them without resenting, without anger and with respect.

Everyone has boundaries and they change. Boundaries need to be respected because it's how people choose to deal with things in their lives. If I can listen to what my gut feeling is telling me when it comes to my boundaries, I think that should give me the opportunity to deal with more or to save myself from unneeded pressure and stress. Sometimes dealing with food, I need space. Or else the stress of having someone coming too near to me AND me trying to eat, gets too much and can cause me to not want to have people or food around me. Food and boundaries are closely linked.. I think.. Hummm... I'm not 100% sure, but I'll just remind myself to think of the word "safe". That should show me how this whole thing with the boundaries works..

My memories are mine - 2

This period in Darwin was probably a crucial time when the anorexia set it, according to Diann. It was when I felt homesick. The 13th of July and that was also the day I told myself that I wasn't going to drink beer anymore, I was only going to drink vodka and orange juice and I was only going to eat fruit, yogurt, muesli and maybe some veg. Diann said that this was me, trying to get a hold of what was going on. I was trying to deal with homesickness by eating less and being strict in every way possible. That made me feel better, but it was Anna and things probably secretly went downhill from there.

But I was still laughing, I was still happy and still living the dream. Isn't that what's expected of you when you're doing what you've always dreamed of? For me to have to admit that I wasn't as happy as I thought, is like saying I'm not meant to travel. But I am and it's still all I want. I did my year in Oz so I should be happy and proud of myself, but instead I just feel like a proper failure. I feel like I've messed up the best year of myself by letting Anna in. But maybe if I hadn't let her in, I wouldn't have stayed the full year. I might have had to face up to the fact that it was time for me to come home and calm down for a while. But I would never have done that, ever. Because that's admitting defeat. Anna was the only thing that would have gotten me through and she did. She suited my personality so well so maybe I should be grateful to her, for keeping me out there..

For me to be experiencing something I would treasure forever and to be creating memories that would be precious to me for the rest of my life, was the perfect time for Anna to come along. It's only natural that she would kick in to sabotage it all and try to kill my dream. This is what Diann said yesterday. Destroying and ruining things we treasure the most, that's what's she's best at. Because to love something and to do it, I surely shouldn't deserve that??!! Diann said this was the time for her to ruin my dream. It was her time to mess up my experiences that were supposed to be the best. The time that I've been calling "the best year of my life". The year that I worked so hard for, to make it happen. It's the nature of Anna. I've never felt like I've deserved anything good in life. So for me NOT to fully embrace my year in Oz by depriving myself of sufficient food and nutrition would give her the opportunity to ruin it for me.

I do remember so vividly not feeling like I deserved to be so happy and so full of life and being in Oz. It was all too overwhelming for me to be experiencing all this goodness without having any problems or without having any guilt about it. I would even think about people back here in Holland and Ireland and would feel guilty for being able to live my dream and for them to be missing out. And these thoughts would only be supported by getting emails from friends or family telling me how jealous they are of me, for being downunder and always going for what I want. So that would make me thing: why should I be allowed to be traveling and why aren't they allowed to be as happy as I am? But now I know, that if anybody wants a life of travels, they can have it too. They can make it happen, they just need to dare. And living a "dream life of traveling" has it's downsides too. Just like every lifestyle, there's good and bad. Missing home and missing family all the time is hard to live with but it comes with the lifestyle and it's the choice you make. But that's a whole different issue I suppose.

From the day of my homesickness, Anna kicked in big time and I got strict in every way possible. And I wouldn't let myself enjoy things properly because I didn't deserve them and because my body wasn't always full of beans. Even when it came to boys. I was the best of friends of Christian. We worked together and I had a secret crush on him. But I never told him and never acted on it. Because that would mean too much happiness, if he were to have felt the same. It only making sense to me now, why I didn't let him get too close to me. I never realized why I didn't show my feelings. I didn't deserve him, not by a long shot. He was far too good-looking, far too nice, too Italian and totally out of my league. I remember the day I started to have feelings for him. I was on a high and I had butterflies in my stomach and life was amazing. But I soon got all those feeling out of my head and we stayed the best of friends. Because how could I ever even think that he would be the slightest bit interested in someone like me, when he can have any girl he wants?
Non-deserving is the answer.

At work, whilst running around the restaurant, I'd often feel dizzy or woozy in my head and my stomach would be spasming and crying out for food but it only made me work and run faster around the restaurant. Especially serving food all day and being around people who are eating and enjoying themselves. That gave me total buzz. It gave me strength to not eat. I'd work 7 days, if they had the work. I'd work 10 hours a day and I needed to, because what else would I have done? All the backpackers in the hostel would chilling by the pool on the roof in the blazing sun or going to see the sights or in the pub getting drunk. Living the normal life of a backpacker. But I worked my ass off, literally and every week the jeans I was wearing got looser and looser. I needed to work all those hours and save and save and save as much as possible to get to Asia. Without all that, I wouldn't have gone to Thailand and I wouldn't have gone to Singapore which was a goal I had set myself. And as Diann has told me before.. by setting goals, you're so fixated on achieving that goal that all the opportunities that come along whilst working towards that goal, go by without being fully appreciated, experienced or embraced. And that's exactly what happened.

And then I think about Singapore. I was there for 5 days, alone. It was great. Everyday I was walking and walking and walking and seeing the sights and getting to know the culture. I was full of confidence. All was great because I'd finally got to Asia. I had made it happen and that I was doing it, alone again. I had left Oz even though I had the opportunity to stay. I could have done another year of backpacking and people tried to persuade me. But that would have meant I would have been wasting another year. Because that's how I started to feel. I was wasting time in Oz and I was throwing away the most important years of my life, by not working on a career or working at a proper job. That's why I left. I wasn't going to be like all the other Irish out in Oz.. they were known for just getting drunk and having fun. Nothing else mattered. But I wanted to be different. I wasn't going to waste another year.. That's what I said outloud, to people who were trying to get me to stay. But deep down, there was something telling me that I wouldn't last another year away from home. I knew there was a problem, something was wrong with me.. I knew that I needed to be closer to my family or else I wouldn't get over what it was that was making me not feel deserving of food, of fun and of experiences that I've dreamt of for so long.

I'm getting slightly off-track here and I know I've been over this a few times. But I think it's important that I fit this into the puzzle, along with everything else. I have to make peace with it. Diann said yesterday, I don't have to call it my year of traveling "the best year of my life". I can call it "a year of my life with great experiences". And she's right. Because I've often called others years the best years of my life too, like when I was in college or when I went to London and Austria. But I don't have to lable them. Just like 2008, I don't have to call it the worst year of my life. Not at all. Because it wasn't, it was the hardest time of my life and a challenging time, but not a bad experience and I needed it. I've had great experiences in all of these years. Diann also said, that I've survived it all. I can proud that I stayed a whole year in Oz, even when I was going through hard times underneath. I've survived Anna. She says I was so close to death but never got hospitalized or carted off in an ambulance and that I've achieved something far more amazing than any amount of traveling, all by myself with some guidance.

I know she's right. She's right in saying that I've survived Anna and that I've achieved something so special and that my year in Oz was a year of great experiences and that I did well to see it through. There'll be more experiences, there'll be more traveling. At that time I knew I had to leave Oz, I used the expression of "wanting a normal life" as an excuse but I was secretly listening to my intuition and I acted on what it was telling me. I knew I needed to come back even though I still needed and wanted to travel. Anna tried to ruin it, my experiences in Oz but she didn't. I had a great time in Darwin and I met 2 of most amazing people in the world, whose friendships I'll treasure forever, Lisa and Christian. So I'm grateful for how things have worked out. I know I had to go through it the way I did. I had to happen and now that I've seen how it has effected my year in Oz, I can slowly come to terms with it. I haven't lost my precious memories, my friendships or my life and that's far more important.

My memories are mine - 1

Tuesday morning and I'm trying to put things into perspective, or at least, deal with what the past week has thrown at me. It's been playing on my mind and yesterday when I was talking to Diann, I only realized just how important it is, that I deal with it by writing about it, facing facts and accepting it.

On Friday I was going through photo's from when I was traveling in Oz. I haven't done this is a while. When I first started sorting them, months ago, I started at the beginning of my year. All was well and I was looking fine. In fact, the first 6 months I was looking fine. I was loosing weight, but I was eating and working hard and having great experiences. I was eating 3 meals a day, I was a happy chappy, drinking beer and did exercise too. I had the best of both worlds. And those photo's didn't make me feel awful. They made me feel happy because those were the best times ever.

But those were photo's of the first 6 or 7 months. Then it starts to get tricky. As each month passes I get skinnier and skinnier. I was still working, playing and partying hard and having the best time ever. But I wasn't eating 3 meals a day anymore. I was down to 2 meals and I was working harder than ever. It was the time I was in Darwin. That was the last chapter of my journey in Oz. It lasted for 2 or 3 months. It was a crazy time and up until now, I've looked back on them with joy. But on Friday when I looked at them, I wasn't feeling happy and I wasn't able to see how great it all was.

Looking at photo's can always bring you back to that time and place in your life and bring up the same emotions as you were feeling, when the pictures were taken. For months I would look and feel happy and blocked out the fact that I might not have been as happy as I let on. On the outside and to the world I was living the dream. But on the inside I wasn't at all. I thought I was and that's probably the saddest thing about it.

It's like I'm at the stage now where I have to face up to where this all started and how long it's been going on and what times of my life did it influence and what decisions did it effect. Months ago, I put the possibility that I wasn't happy during my last months in Oz, to the back of my mind because it was simply too much for me to have to deal with. Even yesterday, with Diann, it felt so awful to admit that Anna had already taken ahold of me, when I was "living my dream". I felt like a failure and that I had let myself and everyone around me down. Traveling has always been my "thing". It's been the only "thing" I want most from this life. I worked for months and months to get to Oz, and then when I finally do, I develop an eating disorder. I mean what kind of loser does that? What a waste of a year!!!

I sat there yesterday, in tears, saying that it was the best year of my life. But if it was, then why was I crying at the thoughts of it? Why can't I bare to look at those photo's? I know it's because I wasn't well and it's because I haven't accepted yet that Anna had kicked in during my travels and that, not until I accept it, Anna will overshadow all the great experiences I had during those last months in Oz.

Diann asked me what do I feel or see when I look at myself back then? Do I want to be Anna again? And to be honest, the awful I get when I see myself is far more an issue than the desire to be thin again. So, no, I don't think I do. But it's so hard because back then I thought I was looking great and I had the energy too. I was still able to be and do both.. be energized AND not eat properly. I loved that I was skinnier than average and I loved the fact that I was able to run around waitressing for 7 hours a day with sitting down or eating in between. It was great.

Right now, it doesn't feel so great to see it. When I look at the photo's today, all I can think of and see are bowls of yogurt, fruit and muesli. That's all. Diann said that it's like looking at someone who's in the midst of destroying themselves and their souls and seeing that that person hasn't got a clue what's going on. Looking at a photo from back then, could be compared to looking at someone who is being tortured by something from either the outside or from the inside.

Nobody likes to look at anybody who is being put through pain or who is being hurt or who is slowly trying to master self-destruction without that person even being aware of it. That's why I get a terrible feeling whenever I see myself back then. And even more so, because I'm not looking at anybody else, I'm looking at me. And even worse is that there's nobody who can tell this person who's is slowly trying to kill themselves, just what's going on. Nobody can get in and nobody can warn them. It's like each photo unravelling and witnessing the illness as it unfolds, at the turn of every page. There's nobody who can point the finger, there's nobody who can blame anybody for not telling this person to stop destroying themselves and killing their souls. There's nobody to get mad at, because it's the person themselves who is doing it, the person that seems so happy and that everyone gets along with and that everyone instantly likes. So nobody can get through at that moment and nobody can get mad either at them either for the torture and pain they're re causing themselves because it has to take it's course for this person to finally see what's been going on. However to see it, when it WASN'T too late and will still hope and help and when there was still life that was able to be revitalized.

Hang on a minute, for some more..

Overthinking again

It's Monday evening and I'm haven't been too chirpy or feeling that great. At the moment I'm just slightly sick of everything. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like nothing is happening and that I'm stuck and anytime things happen to happen that are good then they don't feel like they're good. I want these things and "discoveries" to make me happy. But they're not. They're bringing me down, sometimes upsetting me, sometimes making me angry.

Anger that I want to get rid of and by doing so I'm only making others feel bad which makes me feel even worse. But if I weren't discovering anything, I'd feel awful too. I feel like I'm winning but why isn't that making me feel happy? To win or to loose..both feel so bad. It will never be right and it will never feel good. Maybe it will but then I'll be better again and back to full health and this case will be closed. It will all be gone and the puzzle will be complete. Every aspect of my life that I've addressed and still need to address, will be dealt with, will be put to rest and everything will feel clear, 80% of the time. Because nobody, even in the fullest of their health, sees clearly 100% of the time.. it's just not possible.

I can't scream from the rooftops that all is going well. I can see where I am, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. But saying that, feels like a lie. Because I'm in a better place than I was or have been, in a long long time.. or a lot of months anyhow. So, it's not strange that I wonder why I'm not able to express it and thrive from how far I've already come and feel excitement for the things, places and people I want to meet and see.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself right now, not at all. Because there's nothing to be sorry about. I don't want pity from myself or anybody around me. I'm not trying to create problems where there aren't any. This is just exactly what's there at the moment. So I shouldn't analyze it and I can't dwell on it. It just is.

I want to be happy about how I'm doing. But if that's not how I'm feeling, then I'm not going to act that way. As long as I know that these are just feelings that are temporary. Feelings change as moments change. So accepting them will make life easier for myself. I'm eating and getting stronger. I'm learning but I'm not yet doing. I'm gaining weight and gaining energy. My muscles are growing but aren't yet toned. My dizziness isn't frequent and my heart is strong. So much health is coming to me and with that the opportunities that I choose to see in life can be grabbed and experienced. Opportunities that arise and will get me to where I'm going. I'll soon be fit enough to be able to do something with these opportunities. Maybe then I'll start to feel happy. But am I happy in myself? Yes I am, so I shouldn't need these opportunities to make me feel happy. But if they give make me send me into thriving-mode instead of keeping me in survivor-mode, as I currently am, then I shouldn't question or feel guilty for wanting a full life.

Feeling joyful and happy? I'm not too sure if I am. It changes. It's flexible. Just like the image I have of myself. This is just as unpredictable as my day-to-day state of mind. I can't rely on myself to be able to feel good about this weight I'm carrying. I can't rely on myself to feel as happy as I am about who I am inside, as who I am outside. They aren't as one. But they can be..someday hopefully.

My confidence should slowly come back. Because fighting this and maybe slowly seeing the strength I have, will give me a confidence that can't be taken away from me again. A confidence I might be able to trust and depend on. Because being confident, doesn't that give you the drive you need to be that person you want to be and to venture out into the world again?

As I sit here, day after day, repeating things over and over again, and as I visit Diann week after week, and as life is still being lived, and as I continue to eat, no matter how alien it sometimes makes me feel, I'm constantly thinking and challenging myself. All to get to the end. That's exactly how I'd describe that past few weeks, when everything has settled down and there's peace around me and I'm focusing on me and now I can literally feel myself struggling to get to the finish line. I can see it, and I'm crawling and doing my best to make it. But if I make it and I'm on my hands and knees, because I've pushed myself too far and overdone it..then how on earth am I going to have the energy to start living again? If I'm on my hands and knees, I won't make it, because I still be only hanging-on. I won't be strong like I want to be. I won't be fighting fit. I won't be jumping up and down. What if I want to be jumping up and down, once I reach the finish line? Do I have to keep on taking it slowly? But if I'm taking it slowly then nothing is happening. I need to challenge myself or else I'll never make it.

I sometimes wonder what Diann thinks when she sees me? Does she think that I was going really well for a while and that ever since then I've been going downhill again and am not doing enough to get through this? Does she think that I bring on all these problems myself by overthinking everything? Have I just answered my own question by writing these last few sentences.. But that's what I do..I get caught-up in my own thoughts. Diann has said this on several occasions. And I know she's right. But I can't help it. Especially if there's nothing else going on in my life. But if that's the case, then shouldn't I make things happen and occupy my mind all the time in order to stop over-analyzing things? But analyzing things, sometimes is good for me because I can clear things up. By doing this is can see where I am and it reassures me that I'm on the right track. Surely that's a good thing? But maybe not if I start to drive myself insane. Is that what I'm doing right now?

I don't know how many weeks or sessions I've had with Diann. It shouldn't really matter. Because nobody has said it's for only a certain amount of hours hours or weeks. So I should just keep on trotting along and I'll get there. Patience patience patience..

A familiar face

On Saturday afternoon I was in Tesco with Ma. Doing some shopping, getting some food. We were in the fruit and veg section. All of a sudden I seen a girl I know from primary school. Louise. We were mates back then and would play with a few other girls.. Deirdre, Siobhan and Nicole. When I left Ireland and moved to Holland, we stayed in touch and would see each other, every few years, whenever I was back here in Arklow. The last time I saw her was 2 and a half or 3 years ago.

Actually, it was 2 months ago and I saw her from a far when I was in the cinema one night. But it freaked me out. I didn't want to see her. I couldn't bare the thought that she would recognize and want to have a chat because of course she'd want to know what I was doing and why and how long I was in Ireland for. I was so ashamed back then. I felt such panic when I seen her, my heart was going ninety and I just wanted to run. But I couldn't because we were waiting for the movie to start. She didn't see me that night, or at least I don't think she did. It was such a relief that I didn't have to face her.

But anyhow.. On Saturday afternoon it was different. I seen Louise and my first reaction was to go over and say hi. So I did, without thinking of what I was going to tell her. It all happened so fast. She gave me a hug and asked how long I was over here for. I could have given her loads of different answers, just so I wouldn't have had to face up to telling her the truth. It's hard to know what to do in a situation like that, especially seeing as though I was caught off-guard AND in the supermarket AND she's the first "friend" I've seen since I've been back. And another thing about it is that this is small town and everybody knows everything about everyone. Everyone who knows Ma, knows that I haven't been too well the past few months. So I was actually surprised that she hadn't already heard.

I told her I've been here since June. It was so hard because she wanted to know what I was up to. I just said, feeling so uncomfortable, that I hadn't been well. When someone says that to you, of course you're going to ask what the problem is. I said that I'm getting over an eating disorder. I didn't go into details. But it was weird, standing in Tesco's and feeling all woozy and spaced-out because I was letting someone in. She's not a stranger but I hadn't seen for 2 or 3 years. So mixed emotions going on.. I felt so vulnerable but at the same time, she's such a nice person and I wasn't going to pretend all was great in my world. I told her that I've gotten over the worst of it and that I'm trying to get back on my feet again. She was so sweet. We chatted for a short while and she wanted to meet up sometime. So that was nice.

But it kind of blew me away. I was telling Diann about it today that it played on my mind the whole weekend because I could see how far I've come. Just the fact that I didn't want to run, like I did 2 months ago when I seen her from a distance, was a big thing. By facing her, I faced my own fears. Because for months I've been so scared and dreading bumping into any of those girls I used to hang out with, for fear of what they would see and think as it was pretty obvious to anybody who has known me for years, that I was sick.

But now, I'm not so scared anymore. Because I don't look sick anymore. I look like I'm supposed to look. Nobody can tell by looking at me, what's been going on. I'm not ashamed either, to say what's been going on. But I don't want anybodys sympathy. I don't want people to pity me. I don't want anything like that. I don't want to broadcast it either, but if situations like this arise and it doesn't feel bad to let someone in, then isn't that okay? Why do I think that I've done bad by telling her? Have I though? O god, now I'm questioning myself again.. I have to let it go now.. and see it from a different point..

I can see it as this: In the space of 2 months I've come far, I think. So that should mean that in another 2 months, I could go even further. That's if I let it take it's course and if I don't stress it and if I don't try to dig when there's nothing more to dig uup and if I venture out in ways that I haven't yet dared to. So can I do this? I reckon I can. I need to and all will hopefully be well in my world someday soon.. but again.. no pressure.. another step has been taken on Saturaday.