Sometimes I don't see how it happened so quickly. I'm possessed by food, once again, just like everybody else. That's me, I'm normal, I eat, I feel hunger, I enjoy food. My insides will be full of food for the rest of my life.
I will never forget the feeling of emptiness in my stomach, I had nearly constantly. I loved it so much. Now all I feel is a big football in my gut. My frame needs so much more strength just to be able to keep my gut in place. I bend down and my stomach falls and I feel the food inside. It's awful and a bad bad thought and an even worse feeling.
As I lie on my side and my stomach falls to one side. So bad, it's just full and it feels so wrong. I look and feel like a pig but still I'm feeling hungry. My digestive system is out of whack and my metabolism is working at high speed. I have to turn off my mind to prevent me from going insane.
As I still lie on my side, my knees aren't able to rest on top of each other, because it's bone on bone and it hurts. The proportions are all wrong and everything is out of balance. If I can go to the toilet or not, it makes no difference because I've managed to store a layer of fat. My stomach will always be there and it will always haunt me.
As I still lie on my side, I want to feel my hip, the one that I'm lying on, but my stomach is smothering it. My hip is buried underneath a layer of fat. The panic I feel when I realized that it had gone, was like a hot sensation in my chest and all could said outloud was: "oh no, oh no, oh no". For a second I wanted to cry. But I got my mind back into gear and I settled the uneasiness that I felt. The same feeling of panic arose when I realized that the bone in my lower back no longer sticks out when I stand up. I can only feel that bone now, when I'm sitting down.
As I still lie on my side, I decide that I feel better for lying on my back, because then I can still see my hips sticking out and I can still feel the bone in my lower back digging into the mattress.
As I still lie on my side, my ribs are no longer inclined to overlap each other and hurt like hell. Now I have more fat covering them, so they have more stability and more coziness. It will only get worse as I pile on the weight.
Whether I lie on my back or on my side, it feels awful, but it doesn't stop me from eating. Why can't I do that no more? It's because I'm possessed. Food has now got a hold on me and I can no longer live without it. Food has suddenly given me a strong back and full cheeks. Food has filled out my core. Food has taken over everything, my whole life.. My life now depends on food and my life depends on me learning to eat everyday with or without feeling bad about it. Without food I have no life. My day revolves around it. My body wants it all the time. My brain tells me to make a pig out of myself. My brain tells me I'm fat. My brain tells me that wanting food should make me weak. But the more I eat, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the more strength I want. I can only get more strength by eating, non-stop. But will it ever stop? This feeling of fatness, this feeling of weakness, this feeling of emptiness and fullness all at the same time?
Am I being punished for what I have done? Will my life ever stop revolving around food? Will I ever feel fine about the layer of fat that I've unwillingly created? Will people despise me now that I'm bigger? Will I forever tell myself that I didn't make myself ill enough and should I have aimed to weigh 29 kilo's?
Food has got me in it's grip.. How did it happen so fast.. Why did it have to happen.. When will it stop..
I go to bed to either escape from the urges I get to stuff my face or I go to bed to make my next mealtime come quicker. It killing time..that's all I'm doing. Everyday it's a question of killing as much time as possible to get through to the next meal and to get through to the next day so I can do it all over again...constantly living from meal to meal, planning it, dreaming about it, enjoying it and feeling awful. That's it, all day long..
As another day ends, another will begin. I'll walk up to bed, with breakfast on my mind. I get out of bed as soon as I'm awake, because I've been waiting so many hours through the night. I sometimes can't sleep for wanting breakfast to come. Going to bed isn't to rest, it's a chore, it's killing time.. my breakfast is downstairs in the fridge. It's waiting for me and I want it so bad. But I so strong, that I don't get up in the middle of night to eat it.
Is food now my friend or is food now my enemy.. It's both at the moment..I enjoy it so much, but it's for that reason I hate it.. it's my frenemy.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Talking the thoughts
On Wednesday afternoon I think I actually spoke about me for the first time, in conversation with Mam. It just happened, and it slightly threw me.
I was looking up some information on yoga classes on the internet on Wednesday morning. I told Mam that I was interested in starting to practice it again. It was the first time, I openly spoke about something I was interested in. It was like I was owning up or opening up about my desire to get better and to start doing daily things and to take a step in getting back on track again.
I started doing yoga in Australia, but for the wrong reasons. I did it to be strong, lean and burn calories. But I loved it. I stopped doing it, when I first started to go to Diann in July. It would always make me feel so good and energized. I spoke to Diann about it last week and she said that I could give it a go, take a class and see if it's too much for me or not. If I listen to my body, I'll know soon enough if I'm taking on too much or not. I'm still trying to find out where I can take some classes.. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I want to start it again, from scratch..learning from scratch and taking a different approach to it. So if I do start it again, it will be because it I enjoy it and because it energizes me and not because I'm burning calories..
I used to do it obsessively, every morning, for 20 minutes. I would sometimes get up at 6 o'clock in the morning, if I had to be in work at 8, just to do the 20 minutes of yoga. I would also stand on my head for 5 minutes afterwards.. That feels so good as well, but I was doing all this and seeing it as a chore. If I didn't do them, I wouldn't be allowed to eat an orange in the morning.. This was all so wrong. But starting a fresh would be a good idea I think..
Talking about this to Mam wasn't the only thing I suddenly spoke about. I also told her at some point during the week, that I hadn't been to the toilet for weeks. This, like the yoga, also felt like I was owning up to my physical state of being. Saying outloud that it was bothering me, was a big thing.
It might sound like something so minor, but when you take into consideration that for months I wouldn't dare let something that's bothering me, or something that's playing on my mind or something that I really want to do, pass my lips except to Diann, then it's a big step.
It shows that I'm slowly feeling less guilty about getting stronger. It shows that, even if I were to feel guilty, it isn't as overpowering as it used to be. It shows that I'll let myself openly express my thoughts again. It shows that I'll let myself enjoy the simple things in life and that I'll be able to be honest about it.
Over the past months, it's all been going on inside my head. Everything so good and so positive and dreams so exciting.. But I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody about them, except to Diann. I wondered for weeks and weeks, and even worried, that I would never be able to enjoy things without guilt or I wouldn't be able to talk about thing I love so much like I used to be able to.
However, saying these 2 things during the week to Mam, was proof to me that in time I'll be wanting to express myself through speech, hobbies, clothes, hair, dance, music, writing... or to put in short, I'll want to express myself in every sense of the word and I'll feel good about it.
I was looking up some information on yoga classes on the internet on Wednesday morning. I told Mam that I was interested in starting to practice it again. It was the first time, I openly spoke about something I was interested in. It was like I was owning up or opening up about my desire to get better and to start doing daily things and to take a step in getting back on track again.
I started doing yoga in Australia, but for the wrong reasons. I did it to be strong, lean and burn calories. But I loved it. I stopped doing it, when I first started to go to Diann in July. It would always make me feel so good and energized. I spoke to Diann about it last week and she said that I could give it a go, take a class and see if it's too much for me or not. If I listen to my body, I'll know soon enough if I'm taking on too much or not. I'm still trying to find out where I can take some classes.. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I want to start it again, from scratch..learning from scratch and taking a different approach to it. So if I do start it again, it will be because it I enjoy it and because it energizes me and not because I'm burning calories..
I used to do it obsessively, every morning, for 20 minutes. I would sometimes get up at 6 o'clock in the morning, if I had to be in work at 8, just to do the 20 minutes of yoga. I would also stand on my head for 5 minutes afterwards.. That feels so good as well, but I was doing all this and seeing it as a chore. If I didn't do them, I wouldn't be allowed to eat an orange in the morning.. This was all so wrong. But starting a fresh would be a good idea I think..
Talking about this to Mam wasn't the only thing I suddenly spoke about. I also told her at some point during the week, that I hadn't been to the toilet for weeks. This, like the yoga, also felt like I was owning up to my physical state of being. Saying outloud that it was bothering me, was a big thing.
It might sound like something so minor, but when you take into consideration that for months I wouldn't dare let something that's bothering me, or something that's playing on my mind or something that I really want to do, pass my lips except to Diann, then it's a big step.
It shows that I'm slowly feeling less guilty about getting stronger. It shows that, even if I were to feel guilty, it isn't as overpowering as it used to be. It shows that I'll let myself openly express my thoughts again. It shows that I'll let myself enjoy the simple things in life and that I'll be able to be honest about it.
Over the past months, it's all been going on inside my head. Everything so good and so positive and dreams so exciting.. But I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody about them, except to Diann. I wondered for weeks and weeks, and even worried, that I would never be able to enjoy things without guilt or I wouldn't be able to talk about thing I love so much like I used to be able to.
However, saying these 2 things during the week to Mam, was proof to me that in time I'll be wanting to express myself through speech, hobbies, clothes, hair, dance, music, writing... or to put in short, I'll want to express myself in every sense of the word and I'll feel good about it.
Just a chat
I'm so grateful right now, but I'm not too sure for what.. Just for everything I suppose. For the weather being awful, for the cup of tea I'm drinking, for having a good sleep last night, for feeling drained but fine, for the book I was reading this morning, for the new book I bought yesterday, for my cozy warm bed, for this blog.. The list could be endless. It's all too good to be true. But the funny thing is, it is true and it is good, so there's nothing really that funny about it.
Today is going to be the day to eat on intuition. So whenever I'm hungry I'm going to eat whatever it is I want. I've been thinking about it all morning. I don't know what to have though. Maybe more milk or yogurt..maybe a panini.. maybe a whole loaf of bread.. maybe a smoothie. The options are endless. I can have it all if I wanted. What a free feeling.
I had a dream last that I was standing on the weighing scales. I stood on it, but was so scared. It was late at night, which means I'm even more scared because I would have spent the whole day eating. I was above 50 kilo's. So I started going mad. I was convinced there was something wrong with the scales. So I stood on it again but then in the morning time, which means I would have been 1 or 2 kilos lighter, and I was above 60 kilo's!!! It wasn't a dream, but more like a nightmare. I woke up and was so relieved that it wasn't true.
It just tells me that it's playing on my mind.. What number could it be? I would love to know my weight. I think I would be feeling fine with it. I reckon I'm 46 now.. That's just a guess really..
I've been reading other stories about girls recovering and some of them go for months and months without weighing themselves. The last time I was weighed was at the doctor's office, on the 23rd of September.. I was 36 then. That was 6 weeks ago. So now, I'm definitely mid 40's..
When a daily diet is increased by a certain amount of calories for a certain amount of time and the body has gotten used to this, a steady weight-gain is usually 1 to 1.5 kilo's a week..
But really, what does it matter? I shouldn't care. I probably don't anymore. Only on bad days I'd care.. Maybe it would be wise to weigh myself, just to prevent me getting a massive shock if I put it off for another 2 months..
It could be the next hurdle to overcome...: Weighing myself and knowing I'm putting on weight, but feeling fine about the number that pops up on the scale and still eating and resting in order for the weight-gain to continue.
I know for a fact that if I wasn't gaining weight, I'd be panicking. Because I know that that's what has to happen to totally get through this. I know that a healthy body, isn't 35 kilo's. And isn't that what I'm aiming for? A healthy body with a healthy weight. Without that, I'm going nowhere.. So it has to be done. Knowing this in itself, is a pretty big.
I still fit my jeans, that are non-stretch and for a ten-year old. I can feel that they are getting a little tighter around my hips, but they still fit. Not for much longer though and that means that I'll be able to go shopping again and buy clothes that will still fit me in 3 and 4 months time..
I went to acupuncture on Wednesday. It was fine. He didn't tell me I was glowing or anything like that, thankfully. I went in prepared, to hear the "worst".. But we just talked in general about how I was doing. My energy levels are still pretty low, and they don't seem to be changing, even though it can be tricky to feel if I've got more energy or not, because I'm resting so much. But, then again, I'm resting because I'm tired, so that probably says that my I'm still zapped and drained. I haven't been to the toilet for nearly 2 weeks either. This could be making me so tired as well and being slightly sleep-deprived doesn't help either. Just about every morning I'd wake up at around 5 o'clock..sometimes I can be back to sleep for an hour, other times I can't. So all these factors are keeping me from feeling physically energized. If I don't have the energy to do much, then it will take longer for me to get back on my feet. As everyone knows, doing things or light exercise gives you a boost and makes you feel perkier.. But without the strength to start doing a normal "dose" of daily activity, without needing a nap afterwards, will only prolong everything... and all the food will get stuck to my enourmous hips..
Mr. Acupuncturist gave me different herbs that will get my bowls moving, which will hopefully make me feel less drained. They will also help me sleep and still strengthen my spleen (which is only slowly starting to do it job again) and also lighten my mood.. I wasn't too happy about that of the side-effects to be honest, because it sounds like a light dose of anti-depressants. But he reassured me that they aren't or else I wouldn't take them. I like to know that if I'm feeling good, that's its caused by myself and by medication. That way I'll know that I'm making progress and I won't need to rely on anything else.
I started taking them Wednesday, and maybe that's why I'm so grateful about everything today.. could it be the herbs? Well I hope not.. I hope it's just me, feeling on top of things.
1 thing I'm 100% sure about is that I've got all this energy bubbling away inside but I have no way of using it. I could be described as an energy saving device, which I suppose is good. Hopefully the herbs will kick in, over the next few days.
I had a different dream last night as well.. I dreamt that my boss from work came to the house for coffee. She wanted to see me and talk about how things were going. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back to work until after Christmas and she replied: "You can recover properly Niamh, under one condition.. you have to give your 150% when you come back to work, if not, you're coming back asap!!" I woke up, worried that she was going to contact me. I felt so bad, because I kind of know that I'm not going back..
The whole work situation, comes back to haunt me and make me feel guilty every couple of days. It's so annoying. It kicks in when I've been having good and positive days..Just to remind me that I could be getting myself into big trouble because I'm feeling so good. I know exactly why it haunts me and then I have to spend the whole morning convincing myself of the truth and the reality of it all..which is that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, even I was in Holland right now.. I'm entitled to still be on sick-leave.. I'm not lying to them.. And anyhow, It's only a company.. Do they really care if I go back or not? I'm just a number to them.. this isn't even a joke. When I would be sitting behind a computer, working away, sometimes a colleague would shout across the top of the computer screens.."Where's 10272?".. That would be my cue.. That's my number.. There are 180 people working there, in that location alone, and throughout the whole of Holland, 1300 people. So they don't care about me, or my health or if I come back or not.. and to be honest, I never really felt that I was that good at that job anyhow, even though they did give me a permanent contract.. I have to switch it all off.. I have to let it go..I'm NOT going to give myself even more "worry-wrinkles" than I've already given myself by worrying about them, they don't deserve my wrinkles.. ;)
Glad to get all that of my (slightly growing) chest...
Today is going to be the day to eat on intuition. So whenever I'm hungry I'm going to eat whatever it is I want. I've been thinking about it all morning. I don't know what to have though. Maybe more milk or yogurt..maybe a panini.. maybe a whole loaf of bread.. maybe a smoothie. The options are endless. I can have it all if I wanted. What a free feeling.
I had a dream last that I was standing on the weighing scales. I stood on it, but was so scared. It was late at night, which means I'm even more scared because I would have spent the whole day eating. I was above 50 kilo's. So I started going mad. I was convinced there was something wrong with the scales. So I stood on it again but then in the morning time, which means I would have been 1 or 2 kilos lighter, and I was above 60 kilo's!!! It wasn't a dream, but more like a nightmare. I woke up and was so relieved that it wasn't true.
It just tells me that it's playing on my mind.. What number could it be? I would love to know my weight. I think I would be feeling fine with it. I reckon I'm 46 now.. That's just a guess really..
I've been reading other stories about girls recovering and some of them go for months and months without weighing themselves. The last time I was weighed was at the doctor's office, on the 23rd of September.. I was 36 then. That was 6 weeks ago. So now, I'm definitely mid 40's..
When a daily diet is increased by a certain amount of calories for a certain amount of time and the body has gotten used to this, a steady weight-gain is usually 1 to 1.5 kilo's a week..
But really, what does it matter? I shouldn't care. I probably don't anymore. Only on bad days I'd care.. Maybe it would be wise to weigh myself, just to prevent me getting a massive shock if I put it off for another 2 months..
It could be the next hurdle to overcome...: Weighing myself and knowing I'm putting on weight, but feeling fine about the number that pops up on the scale and still eating and resting in order for the weight-gain to continue.
I know for a fact that if I wasn't gaining weight, I'd be panicking. Because I know that that's what has to happen to totally get through this. I know that a healthy body, isn't 35 kilo's. And isn't that what I'm aiming for? A healthy body with a healthy weight. Without that, I'm going nowhere.. So it has to be done. Knowing this in itself, is a pretty big.
I still fit my jeans, that are non-stretch and for a ten-year old. I can feel that they are getting a little tighter around my hips, but they still fit. Not for much longer though and that means that I'll be able to go shopping again and buy clothes that will still fit me in 3 and 4 months time..
I went to acupuncture on Wednesday. It was fine. He didn't tell me I was glowing or anything like that, thankfully. I went in prepared, to hear the "worst".. But we just talked in general about how I was doing. My energy levels are still pretty low, and they don't seem to be changing, even though it can be tricky to feel if I've got more energy or not, because I'm resting so much. But, then again, I'm resting because I'm tired, so that probably says that my I'm still zapped and drained. I haven't been to the toilet for nearly 2 weeks either. This could be making me so tired as well and being slightly sleep-deprived doesn't help either. Just about every morning I'd wake up at around 5 o'clock..sometimes I can be back to sleep for an hour, other times I can't. So all these factors are keeping me from feeling physically energized. If I don't have the energy to do much, then it will take longer for me to get back on my feet. As everyone knows, doing things or light exercise gives you a boost and makes you feel perkier.. But without the strength to start doing a normal "dose" of daily activity, without needing a nap afterwards, will only prolong everything... and all the food will get stuck to my enourmous hips..
Mr. Acupuncturist gave me different herbs that will get my bowls moving, which will hopefully make me feel less drained. They will also help me sleep and still strengthen my spleen (which is only slowly starting to do it job again) and also lighten my mood.. I wasn't too happy about that of the side-effects to be honest, because it sounds like a light dose of anti-depressants. But he reassured me that they aren't or else I wouldn't take them. I like to know that if I'm feeling good, that's its caused by myself and by medication. That way I'll know that I'm making progress and I won't need to rely on anything else.
I started taking them Wednesday, and maybe that's why I'm so grateful about everything today.. could it be the herbs? Well I hope not.. I hope it's just me, feeling on top of things.
1 thing I'm 100% sure about is that I've got all this energy bubbling away inside but I have no way of using it. I could be described as an energy saving device, which I suppose is good. Hopefully the herbs will kick in, over the next few days.
I had a different dream last night as well.. I dreamt that my boss from work came to the house for coffee. She wanted to see me and talk about how things were going. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back to work until after Christmas and she replied: "You can recover properly Niamh, under one condition.. you have to give your 150% when you come back to work, if not, you're coming back asap!!" I woke up, worried that she was going to contact me. I felt so bad, because I kind of know that I'm not going back..
The whole work situation, comes back to haunt me and make me feel guilty every couple of days. It's so annoying. It kicks in when I've been having good and positive days..Just to remind me that I could be getting myself into big trouble because I'm feeling so good. I know exactly why it haunts me and then I have to spend the whole morning convincing myself of the truth and the reality of it all..which is that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, even I was in Holland right now.. I'm entitled to still be on sick-leave.. I'm not lying to them.. And anyhow, It's only a company.. Do they really care if I go back or not? I'm just a number to them.. this isn't even a joke. When I would be sitting behind a computer, working away, sometimes a colleague would shout across the top of the computer screens.."Where's 10272?".. That would be my cue.. That's my number.. There are 180 people working there, in that location alone, and throughout the whole of Holland, 1300 people. So they don't care about me, or my health or if I come back or not.. and to be honest, I never really felt that I was that good at that job anyhow, even though they did give me a permanent contract.. I have to switch it all off.. I have to let it go..I'm NOT going to give myself even more "worry-wrinkles" than I've already given myself by worrying about them, they don't deserve my wrinkles.. ;)
Glad to get all that of my (slightly growing) chest...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Invisible but present
Through the thick black clouds, something becomes clear
It's the dawning of the day, or the man on the pier
Liberation is the feeling, after releasing the fear
Ego has also stepped down, and a soul can appear
An adventure into the unknown, speeding a top gear
Something more is required, a guide to help steer
Feeling happy for no reason, that's so valuable and dear
The music and the sea, are the only sounds to hear
The humming and the gushing, telling you the end is near
The peace is so powerful, it brings you one lonely but happy tear..
It's the dawning of the day, or the man on the pier
Liberation is the feeling, after releasing the fear
Ego has also stepped down, and a soul can appear
An adventure into the unknown, speeding a top gear
Something more is required, a guide to help steer
Feeling happy for no reason, that's so valuable and dear
The music and the sea, are the only sounds to hear
The humming and the gushing, telling you the end is near
The peace is so powerful, it brings you one lonely but happy tear..
Eating on intuition
Food...
As I sat with Diann on Tuesday, food wasn't an issue. The depth of all the realizations I was having over the past week, seemed to overshadow the feelings I was having towards food.
Both issues are constantly ongoing..the food and the "soul-searching". They go hand-in-hand but can be seen separately too. At the end of the session Diann asked if I was feeling okay, with "acting on my hunger". I said I was.
I did it twice last week. The guilt wasn't major. So this week she suggested that, on the days that I eat "intuitively", I can DROP A SUPPLEMENT DRINK!!!! Yeah!! I was so excited..
On the days that I eat according to my food-plan (which has been the same now for 4 or 5 weeks), I have to have the normal 3 drinks. But if I decide, when waking up in the morning, that I'm going to eat whenever I'm hungry and I eat whatever I'm in the mood for, then I only have to have 2.
I have to be careful not to count calories in the things I'm eating, when eating intuitively. I have to let that go, and just eat the amounts my body needs. It will be tricky, because I know that I'll be missing 300 calories from one drink and I know the amount of calories that's in nearly everything I eat. For example.. If I decide to have an apple and cut out the drink, that's not going to work. Because I'll feel that I'm missing out on the calories. I can even feel when I don't have carbs during the day, that I'm weak and queasy, so Diann guaranteed that I'll feel the difference when missing a drink. I'm not supposed to be taking in less calories. I'm still rebuilding my strength, so I still have to have more calories than the recommended daily average.
Having one drink less, just gives me some freedom to explore my appetite again and to trust my hunger. My body will start to feel when my weight gets to where it needs to be and will slowly adjust to new eating patterns. I'll feel what my calorie intake should be. It will take time, but I'll be able to trust myself again.
The past days I haven't been having too much urges to stuff my face. I realized that if I do, it's emotional eating combined with insufficient nutrition.. Emotional eating, because I'll think that having a day of eating everything insight will instantly get Anna out of my system..if that makes sense. I'd be trying to get rid of a problem by eating..which is wrong. But if I stuff my face because I'm hungry and needing more food to keep the recovery ticking along, then I really won't be stuffing my face, but I'll be eating because I need it.. So whenever I get urges to overeat, I just have to ask myself why.. Is it to eat away the problem or to keep going on the right track..??
Sometimes it can be so confusing. Diann said she knows I'm strong enough now, to NOT restrict myself and to NOT cut down on food. That would undoing all the good I've done over the past months.
So today I haven't decided yet If I'm going to eat intuitively. It's like taking the plunge.. I woke up this morning feeling so positive and happy that it was overwhelming again, so maybe letting myself loose in the kitchen today will totally blow my mind.. I'm not too sure..
As I sat with Diann on Tuesday, food wasn't an issue. The depth of all the realizations I was having over the past week, seemed to overshadow the feelings I was having towards food.
Both issues are constantly ongoing..the food and the "soul-searching". They go hand-in-hand but can be seen separately too. At the end of the session Diann asked if I was feeling okay, with "acting on my hunger". I said I was.
I did it twice last week. The guilt wasn't major. So this week she suggested that, on the days that I eat "intuitively", I can DROP A SUPPLEMENT DRINK!!!! Yeah!! I was so excited..
On the days that I eat according to my food-plan (which has been the same now for 4 or 5 weeks), I have to have the normal 3 drinks. But if I decide, when waking up in the morning, that I'm going to eat whenever I'm hungry and I eat whatever I'm in the mood for, then I only have to have 2.
I have to be careful not to count calories in the things I'm eating, when eating intuitively. I have to let that go, and just eat the amounts my body needs. It will be tricky, because I know that I'll be missing 300 calories from one drink and I know the amount of calories that's in nearly everything I eat. For example.. If I decide to have an apple and cut out the drink, that's not going to work. Because I'll feel that I'm missing out on the calories. I can even feel when I don't have carbs during the day, that I'm weak and queasy, so Diann guaranteed that I'll feel the difference when missing a drink. I'm not supposed to be taking in less calories. I'm still rebuilding my strength, so I still have to have more calories than the recommended daily average.
Having one drink less, just gives me some freedom to explore my appetite again and to trust my hunger. My body will start to feel when my weight gets to where it needs to be and will slowly adjust to new eating patterns. I'll feel what my calorie intake should be. It will take time, but I'll be able to trust myself again.
The past days I haven't been having too much urges to stuff my face. I realized that if I do, it's emotional eating combined with insufficient nutrition.. Emotional eating, because I'll think that having a day of eating everything insight will instantly get Anna out of my system..if that makes sense. I'd be trying to get rid of a problem by eating..which is wrong. But if I stuff my face because I'm hungry and needing more food to keep the recovery ticking along, then I really won't be stuffing my face, but I'll be eating because I need it.. So whenever I get urges to overeat, I just have to ask myself why.. Is it to eat away the problem or to keep going on the right track..??
Sometimes it can be so confusing. Diann said she knows I'm strong enough now, to NOT restrict myself and to NOT cut down on food. That would undoing all the good I've done over the past months.
So today I haven't decided yet If I'm going to eat intuitively. It's like taking the plunge.. I woke up this morning feeling so positive and happy that it was overwhelming again, so maybe letting myself loose in the kitchen today will totally blow my mind.. I'm not too sure..
Brewing Optimism
I have constantly asked myself the same question over and over again, which is: Why did this happen? I'm sick of asking myself this and to be honest, it's not really relevant. It was meant to happen.
Even so, I still I asked myself.. How did I grow to hate myself so much that I didn't feel I deserved food? But after a lot of thinking and certain things Diann said this week, shows me the irrelevance of it and there isn't a simple answer.
Years ago, I was confident and I didn't hate myself. The hatred and low self-esteem just gradually creeps in, without knowing the depth of it. It's the nature of the anorexia that got a hold on me and gradually made me believe that I didn't NEED food, whether I thought I either did or didn't deserve it was a different issue. I become to believe I was invincible and it grew stronger and stronger, with my confidence still intact and growing for all the wrong reasons. I was loving myself whilst losing weight and feeling good because I was skinny.
Once I started to dig deeper, it's only then that I realized my confidence had gone. It's only then that I saw realize I didn't feel I deserved food. It started out so innocent and lead to something so major.
Getting to the core of the problem, what might have influenced it together with my personality and character traits as well as seeing why and how it effected my life and how I can benefit from it in the future, is far more important. The feelings that come along with the illness are normal. The self-loathe, guilt, self-destruction and feeling of worthlessness, is normal. It wasn't intentional and it didn't mean that this is me as person and it didn't mean that I used to always hate myself. When I'm totally over this, I'll have regained my confidence and I'll have learned to love myself again, unconditionally. I'll have confidence because of who I am and not because of how much I weigh or how much I've achieved in life. The guilt will become less and less and I'll soon be able to say how I feel, what I think and be able to take compliments onboard. Recovering from any illness requires going through certain stages, it comes with it so I shouldn't analyze it or worry about it. It's all starting to come good.
Interacting here at home, has been so hard for me, since the beginning of this period. Saying what I think and feel and talking openly was strictly forbidden. For weeks and weeks I was only allowed to talk about myself and Anna, to Diann. It's still so hard. I daren't pass comments on how I'm feeling or how my day is going. I can't say what I want to do or where I'd love to go. It's all up inside my head, but I can't say them outloud yet. . I feel that if I do, then I'll have to speed things along even faster and I'll end up forcing myself to get back to living a normal life. It's the guilt as well that kicks in and that tries to convince me I'm not allowed to feel so good and if I do let myself feel so good then I should be working. I feel then start to feel that I'm better and recovered and I suddenly can't see what I'm making such a big deal about.
It can put me a bad mood, when there so much good moods around me. I know this is Anna trying to control me and sometimes I don't have the energy be in a good mood in order to NOT give into to her grumpiness. That's when she may take over. If it gets too much for me and I'm overwhelmed with "goodness" and I DON'T want to be grumpy, which I know is how I'll feel if I'm interacting and laughing too much, then I have to step back and isolate myself. I have to get away from people, it's like a "time-out". Then everything calms down again on the inside. The guilt leaves and I'm doing good by Fay because I'm resting. In a way, Anna can force to step back, when it comes to opening up and saying how I'm doing from day to day, but that can be good too, because it also forces me to keep on pacing myself and reminding myself why I'm still not working and why it's still vital for me to concentrate on just being myself, taking it easy and not getting ahead of things.
The optimism is all there, up inside my head, but I can't yet act on it. I'm only allowed to act on it through writing and talking to Diann. But, that's as far as it goes, for now. I have to be fine with it, and tell myself that it's part of the recovery.
Time will show me that the guilt will start to vanish and that I'm still capable of opening up and telling people how I feel.
This can all be so repetitive...As I started to write this post, I started with the same old question.."Why did this happen to me?".. Repeating over and over.. I feel that I constantly go over the same things, day in day out. But I have to. The more I repeat it all, the clearer it becomes, which each analysis (it sounds like I'm doing research or something..) That must be how therapy works: Taking every reaction to daily life and every feeling that comes along with on board and analyzing it again and again while trying to make sense of it all and seeing how it fits in to the process of recovering. Everyday looking for signs and answers hoping that they will lead you to where you're going. Seeing that's there so much more meaning to the tiny little things that makes you the person you are. Is that what therapy is all about?
Well, if it is, then I love it so much.. I love the reflecting, I love the discovering, I love learning about myself. I love that the more I learn, the more I'll be able to benefit from this, for the rest of my life. I gives me sense of control, in a strange way..
Diann said to me on Tuesday night, that people recovering can take different things from the whole process. It all depends on the person, their age and their background, I suppose. Someone can choose to get back on track with food, to put on weight and that'd be it. She said that it's so much more than that and I'm doing everything I can to get as much out of all this as possible. I'm embracing it all and I'm happy doing so.. I'm needing to do this to live the life I want so badly and to touch peoples lives. I will trust myself and my judgment and I'll have foundation from which the people around me, can benefit. These were Diann's words.. Not mine, but I can see what she means..
Feeling so upbeat about it all can feel so bad. But it isn't stopping me from thinking this way. It's happening without force, so it should be the right thing..
Even so, I still I asked myself.. How did I grow to hate myself so much that I didn't feel I deserved food? But after a lot of thinking and certain things Diann said this week, shows me the irrelevance of it and there isn't a simple answer.
Years ago, I was confident and I didn't hate myself. The hatred and low self-esteem just gradually creeps in, without knowing the depth of it. It's the nature of the anorexia that got a hold on me and gradually made me believe that I didn't NEED food, whether I thought I either did or didn't deserve it was a different issue. I become to believe I was invincible and it grew stronger and stronger, with my confidence still intact and growing for all the wrong reasons. I was loving myself whilst losing weight and feeling good because I was skinny.
Once I started to dig deeper, it's only then that I realized my confidence had gone. It's only then that I saw realize I didn't feel I deserved food. It started out so innocent and lead to something so major.
Getting to the core of the problem, what might have influenced it together with my personality and character traits as well as seeing why and how it effected my life and how I can benefit from it in the future, is far more important. The feelings that come along with the illness are normal. The self-loathe, guilt, self-destruction and feeling of worthlessness, is normal. It wasn't intentional and it didn't mean that this is me as person and it didn't mean that I used to always hate myself. When I'm totally over this, I'll have regained my confidence and I'll have learned to love myself again, unconditionally. I'll have confidence because of who I am and not because of how much I weigh or how much I've achieved in life. The guilt will become less and less and I'll soon be able to say how I feel, what I think and be able to take compliments onboard. Recovering from any illness requires going through certain stages, it comes with it so I shouldn't analyze it or worry about it. It's all starting to come good.
Interacting here at home, has been so hard for me, since the beginning of this period. Saying what I think and feel and talking openly was strictly forbidden. For weeks and weeks I was only allowed to talk about myself and Anna, to Diann. It's still so hard. I daren't pass comments on how I'm feeling or how my day is going. I can't say what I want to do or where I'd love to go. It's all up inside my head, but I can't say them outloud yet. . I feel that if I do, then I'll have to speed things along even faster and I'll end up forcing myself to get back to living a normal life. It's the guilt as well that kicks in and that tries to convince me I'm not allowed to feel so good and if I do let myself feel so good then I should be working. I feel then start to feel that I'm better and recovered and I suddenly can't see what I'm making such a big deal about.
It can put me a bad mood, when there so much good moods around me. I know this is Anna trying to control me and sometimes I don't have the energy be in a good mood in order to NOT give into to her grumpiness. That's when she may take over. If it gets too much for me and I'm overwhelmed with "goodness" and I DON'T want to be grumpy, which I know is how I'll feel if I'm interacting and laughing too much, then I have to step back and isolate myself. I have to get away from people, it's like a "time-out". Then everything calms down again on the inside. The guilt leaves and I'm doing good by Fay because I'm resting. In a way, Anna can force to step back, when it comes to opening up and saying how I'm doing from day to day, but that can be good too, because it also forces me to keep on pacing myself and reminding myself why I'm still not working and why it's still vital for me to concentrate on just being myself, taking it easy and not getting ahead of things.
The optimism is all there, up inside my head, but I can't yet act on it. I'm only allowed to act on it through writing and talking to Diann. But, that's as far as it goes, for now. I have to be fine with it, and tell myself that it's part of the recovery.
Time will show me that the guilt will start to vanish and that I'm still capable of opening up and telling people how I feel.
This can all be so repetitive...As I started to write this post, I started with the same old question.."Why did this happen to me?".. Repeating over and over.. I feel that I constantly go over the same things, day in day out. But I have to. The more I repeat it all, the clearer it becomes, which each analysis (it sounds like I'm doing research or something..) That must be how therapy works: Taking every reaction to daily life and every feeling that comes along with on board and analyzing it again and again while trying to make sense of it all and seeing how it fits in to the process of recovering. Everyday looking for signs and answers hoping that they will lead you to where you're going. Seeing that's there so much more meaning to the tiny little things that makes you the person you are. Is that what therapy is all about?
Well, if it is, then I love it so much.. I love the reflecting, I love the discovering, I love learning about myself. I love that the more I learn, the more I'll be able to benefit from this, for the rest of my life. I gives me sense of control, in a strange way..
Diann said to me on Tuesday night, that people recovering can take different things from the whole process. It all depends on the person, their age and their background, I suppose. Someone can choose to get back on track with food, to put on weight and that'd be it. She said that it's so much more than that and I'm doing everything I can to get as much out of all this as possible. I'm embracing it all and I'm happy doing so.. I'm needing to do this to live the life I want so badly and to touch peoples lives. I will trust myself and my judgment and I'll have foundation from which the people around me, can benefit. These were Diann's words.. Not mine, but I can see what she means..
Feeling so upbeat about it all can feel so bad. But it isn't stopping me from thinking this way. It's happening without force, so it should be the right thing..
Monday was Fun-day
A touch of spirituality..
I was still talking to Diann, on Tuesday evening. This gets spiritual, so if you're not into that side of things..maybe it's best you skip it..
I started analyzing last Monday afternoon as I sat with Diann on Tuesday evening. I lay in bed, yet again, for an hour or so. I was going over everything in my head. The reasons why this has happened and things in my past. I was basically completing the circle. More came to the surface again. I remember around 2 months ago, when I started to get stronger and started to slowly rise above Anna, I then looked back to when I was at my all-time low. I could see the progress and I started to wonder how on earth it was possible for me to go from making myself as ill as possible to taking everything little bit of strength I had and turning it around to make myself better, without wanting any of it. People say that when you are struck with an illness, they start to believe in God and they see the light. People can turn religious because they might not have any other answer as to why and how they were given a second chance at life. I can totally relate to this. I'm not a religious person. But 2 months ago I suddenly knew that there had to be so much more, for me to have been able to turn everything around so drastically. So I started thinking, maybe I do believe in God. I started doubting myself and even felt like a hypocrite. But only the past few weeks, I've come to the conclusion, that I don't believe but I DO know there is more.. A person can be spiritual without it having anything to do with religion. They are 2 separate things. Being spiritual is just knowing that there's more to life than was we occupy ourselves with from day to day and it's knowing you are the person that has the power to either use it or not. I've been having so much strange experiences and feelings.. feelings that I never knew were possible to feel. Certain things were happening to me, before I even knew there was a meaning to them..Mostly whilst curled up in a ball, crying and wishing for everything to end.
I read somewhere once that anorexia doesn't only effect you mentally and physically and emotionally. But it also effects you spiritually. If a person is suffering from anorexia and aims to fully recover in order to live the life they have dreamed about, they have to get the strength from somewhere. Initially it hasn't got anything to do physical strength. Somehow, somewhere, something has got to click inside of you, to be able to take charge and make the change, no matter how suicidal you can be. Sean said to me a few weeks ago.."Niamh, don't go telling me now, that God is going to save you". He meant this as a joke. I didn't really answer, because I couldn't say yes or no. But the comment stuck in my head, and I slowly saw that, it isn't God but it's me.. It's me that has saved me.. or some may call it, the soul.
As I lay in bed on Monday afternoon, this is what I came to realize. There was so much going on in my head, so much good things, that I was having trouble keeping up the pace. But at the same time, everything made sense. For example.. I could see why I was attracted to certain types of people when I was traveling. I also remembered being told on several occasions that I've got "spiritual potential", or that I've a "paranormal gift" or that I've got healing hands. I remembered being told that I'm spiritual in a way that my intuition is so strong that if I learn to listen to it, it will get me to where I need to be going. I could see how certain interests fitted into the picture, such as yoga and meditation and even certain countries I dream of visiting, like India. The tattoo I got last year in Australia suddenly had so much more meaning.. It means "journey of the soul".. When I was talking to Diann yesterday, she had already mentioned that my soul is on a journey..It's not the kind that involves planes, trains and automobiles..but still a journey.. She said it before I told her that I got a tattoo with the same meaning. That was a small freaky moment...
Everything fitted so well.
I said to Diann yesterday that over the past weeks I've felt like something big is about to happen. I've had this uneasy feeling that I should start doing something. But have I been doing anything? No. I've been doing nothing except putting the pieces of my puzzle together inside my head. Diann said.."Right now, Niamh, something big is already happening and every week as you come to realize a little more, you're also testing yourself and becoming stronger". I keep on thinking that it's all going to stop. Every week after a session, I always think "that's it, there's nothing more to reveal or to figure out". I can never imagine how much more is going to happen. But It's an ongoing process I'm going through, without being fully aware of it. I told Diann that I've even been feeling sad thinking about when this is over, how much I'm going to miss the amazing feelings I've had over the past month. The feelings of freedom and realization whilst learning so much about myself. The feeling of being so happy and knowing that everything is well, while still being as low and depressed as a person can be. Me missing those moments, would be a reason for me to press pause, so I can savour the them a little bit longer. But I don't need to because these moments have happened and they've shown me the strength I'll use later on in life, as the journey will constantly be evolving and my mind is always changing but my soul stays the same.
It's still Monday afternoon, still in my bed. I was so content and so excited by all the clearness in my head. If somebody would have been looking in through the window, I would have looked lonely and at ease or maybe even bored. But I was everything BUT lonely or bored. I was ecstatic. I lay there and just wanted to hug the world and tell life how much I loved it. I had a massive big smile on my face and I knew that I was happy. It's like if you relieve yourself of the daily thoughts and worries and realize for the first time that there's that special place inside of you. It's like a spot in your tummy, It's there and it will always be. I've felt it, It's mine and it's safe. No illness can ever take that away from me. I then also knew that being happy is a state of being. It doesn't matter what you surround yourself by. Diann said to me yesterday, that I am a happy person even in my darkest hours. It's about embracing the what life throws at you and getting the most out of everything. I don't have to stop this process because it will continue to evolve. To name the process would probably be to say...Becoming aware of "journey of the soul"
I opened my eyes and I couldn't believe how happy I was. Sometimes trying to explain certain things can be so hard, that words are never enough. You'd almost need special vocabulary to make the experience more significant. I got up out of bed, went downstairs, put some potatoes in the oven all the while thinking of how reassured I was and happy to know that I can go to that certain place inside me, whenever I want. I now know it's there and it was so overwhelming.. as Diann said yesterday.."There's nothing more I can say Niamh, you're saying and doing it all"..
When I left the session, I almost felt like the concluding chapter to everything had been opened..and I was also left feeling that there can't possibly be more that will come to light.. It was a nice light feeling and Diann then joked: "I wish I would have recorded these sessions"..
I was still talking to Diann, on Tuesday evening. This gets spiritual, so if you're not into that side of things..maybe it's best you skip it..
I started analyzing last Monday afternoon as I sat with Diann on Tuesday evening. I lay in bed, yet again, for an hour or so. I was going over everything in my head. The reasons why this has happened and things in my past. I was basically completing the circle. More came to the surface again. I remember around 2 months ago, when I started to get stronger and started to slowly rise above Anna, I then looked back to when I was at my all-time low. I could see the progress and I started to wonder how on earth it was possible for me to go from making myself as ill as possible to taking everything little bit of strength I had and turning it around to make myself better, without wanting any of it. People say that when you are struck with an illness, they start to believe in God and they see the light. People can turn religious because they might not have any other answer as to why and how they were given a second chance at life. I can totally relate to this. I'm not a religious person. But 2 months ago I suddenly knew that there had to be so much more, for me to have been able to turn everything around so drastically. So I started thinking, maybe I do believe in God. I started doubting myself and even felt like a hypocrite. But only the past few weeks, I've come to the conclusion, that I don't believe but I DO know there is more.. A person can be spiritual without it having anything to do with religion. They are 2 separate things. Being spiritual is just knowing that there's more to life than was we occupy ourselves with from day to day and it's knowing you are the person that has the power to either use it or not. I've been having so much strange experiences and feelings.. feelings that I never knew were possible to feel. Certain things were happening to me, before I even knew there was a meaning to them..Mostly whilst curled up in a ball, crying and wishing for everything to end.
I read somewhere once that anorexia doesn't only effect you mentally and physically and emotionally. But it also effects you spiritually. If a person is suffering from anorexia and aims to fully recover in order to live the life they have dreamed about, they have to get the strength from somewhere. Initially it hasn't got anything to do physical strength. Somehow, somewhere, something has got to click inside of you, to be able to take charge and make the change, no matter how suicidal you can be. Sean said to me a few weeks ago.."Niamh, don't go telling me now, that God is going to save you". He meant this as a joke. I didn't really answer, because I couldn't say yes or no. But the comment stuck in my head, and I slowly saw that, it isn't God but it's me.. It's me that has saved me.. or some may call it, the soul.
As I lay in bed on Monday afternoon, this is what I came to realize. There was so much going on in my head, so much good things, that I was having trouble keeping up the pace. But at the same time, everything made sense. For example.. I could see why I was attracted to certain types of people when I was traveling. I also remembered being told on several occasions that I've got "spiritual potential", or that I've a "paranormal gift" or that I've got healing hands. I remembered being told that I'm spiritual in a way that my intuition is so strong that if I learn to listen to it, it will get me to where I need to be going. I could see how certain interests fitted into the picture, such as yoga and meditation and even certain countries I dream of visiting, like India. The tattoo I got last year in Australia suddenly had so much more meaning.. It means "journey of the soul".. When I was talking to Diann yesterday, she had already mentioned that my soul is on a journey..It's not the kind that involves planes, trains and automobiles..but still a journey.. She said it before I told her that I got a tattoo with the same meaning. That was a small freaky moment...
Everything fitted so well.
I said to Diann yesterday that over the past weeks I've felt like something big is about to happen. I've had this uneasy feeling that I should start doing something. But have I been doing anything? No. I've been doing nothing except putting the pieces of my puzzle together inside my head. Diann said.."Right now, Niamh, something big is already happening and every week as you come to realize a little more, you're also testing yourself and becoming stronger". I keep on thinking that it's all going to stop. Every week after a session, I always think "that's it, there's nothing more to reveal or to figure out". I can never imagine how much more is going to happen. But It's an ongoing process I'm going through, without being fully aware of it. I told Diann that I've even been feeling sad thinking about when this is over, how much I'm going to miss the amazing feelings I've had over the past month. The feelings of freedom and realization whilst learning so much about myself. The feeling of being so happy and knowing that everything is well, while still being as low and depressed as a person can be. Me missing those moments, would be a reason for me to press pause, so I can savour the them a little bit longer. But I don't need to because these moments have happened and they've shown me the strength I'll use later on in life, as the journey will constantly be evolving and my mind is always changing but my soul stays the same.
It's still Monday afternoon, still in my bed. I was so content and so excited by all the clearness in my head. If somebody would have been looking in through the window, I would have looked lonely and at ease or maybe even bored. But I was everything BUT lonely or bored. I was ecstatic. I lay there and just wanted to hug the world and tell life how much I loved it. I had a massive big smile on my face and I knew that I was happy. It's like if you relieve yourself of the daily thoughts and worries and realize for the first time that there's that special place inside of you. It's like a spot in your tummy, It's there and it will always be. I've felt it, It's mine and it's safe. No illness can ever take that away from me. I then also knew that being happy is a state of being. It doesn't matter what you surround yourself by. Diann said to me yesterday, that I am a happy person even in my darkest hours. It's about embracing the what life throws at you and getting the most out of everything. I don't have to stop this process because it will continue to evolve. To name the process would probably be to say...Becoming aware of "journey of the soul"
I opened my eyes and I couldn't believe how happy I was. Sometimes trying to explain certain things can be so hard, that words are never enough. You'd almost need special vocabulary to make the experience more significant. I got up out of bed, went downstairs, put some potatoes in the oven all the while thinking of how reassured I was and happy to know that I can go to that certain place inside me, whenever I want. I now know it's there and it was so overwhelming.. as Diann said yesterday.."There's nothing more I can say Niamh, you're saying and doing it all"..
When I left the session, I almost felt like the concluding chapter to everything had been opened..and I was also left feeling that there can't possibly be more that will come to light.. It was a nice light feeling and Diann then joked: "I wish I would have recorded these sessions"..
Friday was My-day
Finally.. It's Wednesday night and my week is slightly muddled. I went to Diann last night instead of Monday morning. This afternoon I went to acupuncture, so it seemed to take me forever to get around to going through everything that came up at last nights session. It was already session number 17. Can't believe it's been so long. Time is flying, but then again, I feel like I am too.. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. Overwhelming more times than not. But flying is a better way to be than diving I suppose.
As usual I don't know where or how to start. The past week has been emotional. For days, after writing the letter to Anna, I cried.. Thankfully I started to settle down by the end of the week. My head wasn't fuzzy or hazzy. Everything has seemed so clear and everything felt so fine. I was eating everything and had 2 days that I needed to eat whenever I was hungry. I did it, without any troubles. I didn't feel too guilty either. All good signs I suppose. So much clarity in my head and yet it feels so bad to say it all outloud and to admit to how well everything is going in my own small small world.
I had everything mapped out, my whole life, my past and my present all clicked together. But then I sat there last night and everything was blocked. Right up until I was at her front door, everything seemed so fine. I had just heard some great songs on the radio and I wanted to dance and feel great about just being alive and getting through this.. But it was suddenly too much happiness in my head and it must have blown me away. Because 5 minutes later, I wanted to tell Diann and Mam everything, I wanted to say it outloud, I wanted to admit it and most of all I wanted all my clarity to be true.. But Anna must have blocked everything. I tried to explain everything but I wasn't making any sense at all. It brought me to tears, so frustrating. So Diann asked: "What's happening Niamh?".. my answer: "it's all blocked".
Stepping back and doing my utmost best to get everything out that I had realized during the week..
Friday afternoon I went to bed for an hour. I was just dozing and daydreaming.. Something I've become very good at the past months. A time-out.. to reflect, I suppose. The heartbreak I was felt on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday had eased. Friday I was on top of things again and once I started to think things over, I was no longer scared of living a life without Anna. Diann said a few weeks ago that it's good to occasionally think about what it is in life that you value. Well, to be honest, when she first started talking to me about values, it went in one ear and out the other. I didn't really think about what she meant by them. First of all.. What does it really mean..a value? After a little research.. Values are what you can live by..things you cherish and they represent your highest priority in life. Your values are made up of everything that has happened to you a person in life and include influences from parents, family, friends and education, books... So what are mine? Well, mine are family, friends, honesty, respect, freedom, creativity and independence. Figuring this out, made everything seem so logical and clear. I realized that if I start to live my life, according to these values, then that will only support my recovery and prevent relapses and get my life back.. Right?
Example..
RESPECT. I think it's important to have respect for other people, for what they believe in and what they stand for. But with respect also comes self-respect. So this means I should live my life, not only respecting others, but also myself. I have to honour myself and not treat myself so badly. I shouldn't want the worst for me and the best for the rest of the world, I should feel I deserve to feel good, happy and healthy. Not having any self-respect, lead me to me where I am. So if I turn it around, then I can use it the right way.
INDEPENDENCE.. Anna took this away from me and made me feel helpless and like a child again. But if I want to be independent, I can only live my accordingly, without Anna..
FREEDOM.. Anna has shown how much I should have appreciated the feeling of being free when I had it, but she'll has also make me appreciate it more, once I get it back again. I'm not only talking about freedom to travel. But I mean freedom in every sense of the word. A free soul, without restrictions, open to everything and wanting to obsorb as much experiences as life has.
FAMILY and FRIENDS.. When I look back over the past year, it just kills me so much, to remember how my friends and family would be so concerned for me. They would mention my weight, but I had all my stories and lies all lined up, so nobody would suspect a thing. It kills me but it also overwhelms me, that they could see that something was wrong and that I wasn't my usual self. It shows just how well they all know me and how much they care.. The past weeks I've constantly been having visions of an event that took place at the end of March..when my little niece Enya was born. I can still see my sister Orla sitting in the hospital bed, holding Enya. I remember how proud I was of Orla, my sister and her first child and the memory of having seen it with my own eyes, can still bring me to tears. It kept on coming back to me. Back then I was being controlled by Anna. This makes me feel so awful, because it meant that I wasn't able to be totally free in telling and expressing how proud of was of what my sister had just gone through. It was such a major event in her life, and I feel so bad for Anna having taken away a part of me, that would have wanted to so much more present..
Anna had me isolated and stopped me from being and feeling what I would usually feel. I hate her for it, because she took away some precious moments that could have been so different, had I been controlled by Fay. For my friends and family to have seen me the way I was and for them to have known there was something wrong..I can't imagine how awful it must have been.
When I first got back from traveling, Orla knew there was something wrong, but I didn't see or feel it. Orla only told me this, back in June, when I had owned up to not eating properly.. She told me that, back in November of last year, she said to Mam that something was wrong, that it was like something had come between us. Again, it pains me so much to see now, that I became a different person..because of food. If I love my family and friends as I say I do, and if the overwhelming feelings of love I've been getting for everyone close to me are anything to go by, then staying on top of Anna, should be so rewarding..
But saying that, just the fact that I'm getting my life back, is the reward in itself. Because I am. I can feel it so much. I know exactly where I am right now, I know where I've come from and I know where I'm going.. I can see myself standing in a kind of "3-dimensional diagram". The left-handside is Anna, the right-handside is Fay. I used to think Anna was good and Fay was bad. I was living according to Anna and this felt good. I was leaning to the left. But then everything had to be switched around.. I needed to do a 180, in order to regain my health. I had to start seeing Anna as bad and Fay as good. I did this. I started leaning to the right. But not only did I have to readjust my thinking, I also had to readjust my feeling. So Anna I started to see as bad, but living by her rules still felt good. I have changed that. I would feel physically and mentally distraught if I were to live by her rules again. It wouldn't feel good anymore so therefore Anna has bad rules and it feels awful to live by them. I know Fay is good, and I live according to her rules, 95% of the time. But it doesn't always feel good when I'm doing so. Probably 60% of the time, it feels good. There's such a huge difference between knowing what's good and feeling that it's good. Example: If I'm living according to Fay, I'm rested and chilled which feels good physically but mentally it can feel awful. But that's fine. I know what I have to do..I have to aim for living by her rules 100% of the time and and aim for it to feel good 100% of the time. It sounds confusing, but I can see exactly how it was, and how it is, and how it should be. That in itself is a revelation.
I can live with the guilt, I can be aware of feeling awful when I eat things I think are bad for me. I can feel awful when I'm laughing or talking and feeling recovered. I know Anna is there, but I'm not letting her control anymore. I know why she causes the guilt..because she can't stand the fact that she doesn't control my food-intake anymore. It makes her mad, but that's inside, she no longer stronger than Fay. So Fay rules.
In my head, everything fits together... All this, was only part of what I'd come to realize, as I lay in my bed for an hour and half on Friday afternoon.. I felt so good about it all even though it was and is so hard to describe the puzzle coming together. I struggled so much, trying to say it all and make sense of it again. But the main thing is that it's clear to me.. I went from analyzing my Friday afternoon to analyzing my Monday afternoon..
As usual I don't know where or how to start. The past week has been emotional. For days, after writing the letter to Anna, I cried.. Thankfully I started to settle down by the end of the week. My head wasn't fuzzy or hazzy. Everything has seemed so clear and everything felt so fine. I was eating everything and had 2 days that I needed to eat whenever I was hungry. I did it, without any troubles. I didn't feel too guilty either. All good signs I suppose. So much clarity in my head and yet it feels so bad to say it all outloud and to admit to how well everything is going in my own small small world.
I had everything mapped out, my whole life, my past and my present all clicked together. But then I sat there last night and everything was blocked. Right up until I was at her front door, everything seemed so fine. I had just heard some great songs on the radio and I wanted to dance and feel great about just being alive and getting through this.. But it was suddenly too much happiness in my head and it must have blown me away. Because 5 minutes later, I wanted to tell Diann and Mam everything, I wanted to say it outloud, I wanted to admit it and most of all I wanted all my clarity to be true.. But Anna must have blocked everything. I tried to explain everything but I wasn't making any sense at all. It brought me to tears, so frustrating. So Diann asked: "What's happening Niamh?".. my answer: "it's all blocked".
Stepping back and doing my utmost best to get everything out that I had realized during the week..
Friday afternoon I went to bed for an hour. I was just dozing and daydreaming.. Something I've become very good at the past months. A time-out.. to reflect, I suppose. The heartbreak I was felt on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday had eased. Friday I was on top of things again and once I started to think things over, I was no longer scared of living a life without Anna. Diann said a few weeks ago that it's good to occasionally think about what it is in life that you value. Well, to be honest, when she first started talking to me about values, it went in one ear and out the other. I didn't really think about what she meant by them. First of all.. What does it really mean..a value? After a little research.. Values are what you can live by..things you cherish and they represent your highest priority in life. Your values are made up of everything that has happened to you a person in life and include influences from parents, family, friends and education, books... So what are mine? Well, mine are family, friends, honesty, respect, freedom, creativity and independence. Figuring this out, made everything seem so logical and clear. I realized that if I start to live my life, according to these values, then that will only support my recovery and prevent relapses and get my life back.. Right?
Example..
RESPECT. I think it's important to have respect for other people, for what they believe in and what they stand for. But with respect also comes self-respect. So this means I should live my life, not only respecting others, but also myself. I have to honour myself and not treat myself so badly. I shouldn't want the worst for me and the best for the rest of the world, I should feel I deserve to feel good, happy and healthy. Not having any self-respect, lead me to me where I am. So if I turn it around, then I can use it the right way.
INDEPENDENCE.. Anna took this away from me and made me feel helpless and like a child again. But if I want to be independent, I can only live my accordingly, without Anna..
FREEDOM.. Anna has shown how much I should have appreciated the feeling of being free when I had it, but she'll has also make me appreciate it more, once I get it back again. I'm not only talking about freedom to travel. But I mean freedom in every sense of the word. A free soul, without restrictions, open to everything and wanting to obsorb as much experiences as life has.
FAMILY and FRIENDS.. When I look back over the past year, it just kills me so much, to remember how my friends and family would be so concerned for me. They would mention my weight, but I had all my stories and lies all lined up, so nobody would suspect a thing. It kills me but it also overwhelms me, that they could see that something was wrong and that I wasn't my usual self. It shows just how well they all know me and how much they care.. The past weeks I've constantly been having visions of an event that took place at the end of March..when my little niece Enya was born. I can still see my sister Orla sitting in the hospital bed, holding Enya. I remember how proud I was of Orla, my sister and her first child and the memory of having seen it with my own eyes, can still bring me to tears. It kept on coming back to me. Back then I was being controlled by Anna. This makes me feel so awful, because it meant that I wasn't able to be totally free in telling and expressing how proud of was of what my sister had just gone through. It was such a major event in her life, and I feel so bad for Anna having taken away a part of me, that would have wanted to so much more present..
Anna had me isolated and stopped me from being and feeling what I would usually feel. I hate her for it, because she took away some precious moments that could have been so different, had I been controlled by Fay. For my friends and family to have seen me the way I was and for them to have known there was something wrong..I can't imagine how awful it must have been.
When I first got back from traveling, Orla knew there was something wrong, but I didn't see or feel it. Orla only told me this, back in June, when I had owned up to not eating properly.. She told me that, back in November of last year, she said to Mam that something was wrong, that it was like something had come between us. Again, it pains me so much to see now, that I became a different person..because of food. If I love my family and friends as I say I do, and if the overwhelming feelings of love I've been getting for everyone close to me are anything to go by, then staying on top of Anna, should be so rewarding..
But saying that, just the fact that I'm getting my life back, is the reward in itself. Because I am. I can feel it so much. I know exactly where I am right now, I know where I've come from and I know where I'm going.. I can see myself standing in a kind of "3-dimensional diagram". The left-handside is Anna, the right-handside is Fay. I used to think Anna was good and Fay was bad. I was living according to Anna and this felt good. I was leaning to the left. But then everything had to be switched around.. I needed to do a 180, in order to regain my health. I had to start seeing Anna as bad and Fay as good. I did this. I started leaning to the right. But not only did I have to readjust my thinking, I also had to readjust my feeling. So Anna I started to see as bad, but living by her rules still felt good. I have changed that. I would feel physically and mentally distraught if I were to live by her rules again. It wouldn't feel good anymore so therefore Anna has bad rules and it feels awful to live by them. I know Fay is good, and I live according to her rules, 95% of the time. But it doesn't always feel good when I'm doing so. Probably 60% of the time, it feels good. There's such a huge difference between knowing what's good and feeling that it's good. Example: If I'm living according to Fay, I'm rested and chilled which feels good physically but mentally it can feel awful. But that's fine. I know what I have to do..I have to aim for living by her rules 100% of the time and and aim for it to feel good 100% of the time. It sounds confusing, but I can see exactly how it was, and how it is, and how it should be. That in itself is a revelation.
I can live with the guilt, I can be aware of feeling awful when I eat things I think are bad for me. I can feel awful when I'm laughing or talking and feeling recovered. I know Anna is there, but I'm not letting her control anymore. I know why she causes the guilt..because she can't stand the fact that she doesn't control my food-intake anymore. It makes her mad, but that's inside, she no longer stronger than Fay. So Fay rules.
In my head, everything fits together... All this, was only part of what I'd come to realize, as I lay in my bed for an hour and half on Friday afternoon.. I felt so good about it all even though it was and is so hard to describe the puzzle coming together. I struggled so much, trying to say it all and make sense of it again. But the main thing is that it's clear to me.. I went from analyzing my Friday afternoon to analyzing my Monday afternoon..
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Tuesday 04-11-08
Yesterday afternoon, Monday, I was trying to figure out what food I wanted. I told myself that I was only going to eat whatever it was I was craving. And I did. It was around 2 in the afternoon and I was really hungry, and all I could think about was fruit and milk or yogurt or fruit juice or something diary. I knew I was allowed to have anything I wanted, because Diann told me to act on my hunger, and eat whatever it is I felt like. And I'm not joking when I say that I craved fruit and milk.
I had already had a yogurt for breakfast and fruit juice, as well as my supplement drink which is in yogurt form as well. But I still wanted more. I didn't want a bread roll, I didn't want smoked salmon, I didn't want a pancake, I didn't want a crisp sandwich and I had already eaten a slice of toast which had cured that craving. Anna wasn't telling me not to eat all these delicious foods. But I was really wanting more juice and more yogurt. But I knew I had to have carbs, or else I'd feel weak and queasy. So I made rice pudding. I got a normal portion of steamed brown rice, with an apple, soya milk and prunes and I blended it all together. It wasn't a drink but like a dessert, without the sweetness. I had half of it and was full. I had cured my craving and I didn't feel guilty about having what it is I wanted.
After that, I told myself that I was going to continue the day, curing my cravings and not eating just for the sake of it. But only eating to train the tastebuds. I then wanted something salty for dinner.. I had tuna with noodles and vegetables with some chili and soya sauce. It was delicious. After dinner I didn't feel like I wanted more. I had had enough. On other days, I would usually keep on wanting more and more, even when I'm full and can hardly breathe. But yesterday I didn't want more. I was so aware and switched on that I knew I wasn't restricting myself. l felt good about that, and I didn't feel guilty for eating my dinner and enjoying it. A few hours later, I had a muesli bar and I didn't have a biscuit. It wasn't because I didn't want the calories, it was because I just wasn't craving one. So I wasn't restricting myself. It was the first night since last Thursday that I wasn't starving at 9 or 10 o'clock at night. I was fine because there wasn't a battle going on whether to eat or to let myself feel hungry. I was full and satisfied which was a nice feeling. It's good to know that I won't be constantly wanting to eat and therefore constantly feeling fat and like a pig...this is how I've been feeling most nights over the past weeks.
So what am I doing today..food-wise? I'm just sticking to my normal food-plan. I don't want to overdo it, and feel too strong about eating whatever I want. Because having one good day, without wanting to binge, doesn't mean to say that the next will be the same. I'm just trying to be careful, that's all.
I keep on asking myself, just because I'm not eating chips, fry-ups and pizza's..am I giving in to Anna? No, I don't think I am. The other day, Eileen made a fry-up, for her and Sean..sausages, eggs, pudding, beans, rashers..everything. I knew I could have had some if I wanted. Usually I wouldn't even considered having some, because of the calories. But, during the week, I did consider it, and it just didn't appeal to me.. I didn't see why I should eat, just because I can.. I wouldn't have felt good about, and I wouldn't have enjoyed it that much either..
Maybe now is the time for me to start asking myself, whenever I say no to food, who is behind it..? What's the reason for me saying no..? Is it because of the calories? Is it because I'm full? Is it because I don't enjoy a certain food? Is it because I'm not being active and therefore don't deserve it? If I can give an honest answer to these questions then I'll soon know the reason for me not eating it.. And the reason I didn't have a fry-up, was because I wouldn't have enjoyed it. So what's the point? If I'm going to enjoy something else more, then why can't I just have that, and not feel like Anna is behind it?
I guess the whole issue is that I can't really remember what food it is I used to eat and enjoy the most. But I suppose it's not about going back to eating the same food as I did years ago.. Tastes change.. I'm probably just starting to figure out, the food I now enjoy the most and the food I want.. It's not a question of what foods I'm allowed and what foods I'm not.. because I'm allowed to eat whatever I like, just like everyone else.. I know that now.
It will take time for me to feel confident with the decisions I make when it comes to food. If I'm aware of the reasons, then I should be able to deal with it.. Right, enough of the food-analyzing for now..
I'm not tired today at all. I've rested so much over the past few days, the walking around the house, doesn't feel like I'm running a marathon. Which is nice and tells me that I'm doing well, as I learn to listen and do what's right by my pyschical self. Tonight I'm going to see Diann and tomorrow it's acupuncture time again.
So I'll be signing off for now..
I had already had a yogurt for breakfast and fruit juice, as well as my supplement drink which is in yogurt form as well. But I still wanted more. I didn't want a bread roll, I didn't want smoked salmon, I didn't want a pancake, I didn't want a crisp sandwich and I had already eaten a slice of toast which had cured that craving. Anna wasn't telling me not to eat all these delicious foods. But I was really wanting more juice and more yogurt. But I knew I had to have carbs, or else I'd feel weak and queasy. So I made rice pudding. I got a normal portion of steamed brown rice, with an apple, soya milk and prunes and I blended it all together. It wasn't a drink but like a dessert, without the sweetness. I had half of it and was full. I had cured my craving and I didn't feel guilty about having what it is I wanted.
After that, I told myself that I was going to continue the day, curing my cravings and not eating just for the sake of it. But only eating to train the tastebuds. I then wanted something salty for dinner.. I had tuna with noodles and vegetables with some chili and soya sauce. It was delicious. After dinner I didn't feel like I wanted more. I had had enough. On other days, I would usually keep on wanting more and more, even when I'm full and can hardly breathe. But yesterday I didn't want more. I was so aware and switched on that I knew I wasn't restricting myself. l felt good about that, and I didn't feel guilty for eating my dinner and enjoying it. A few hours later, I had a muesli bar and I didn't have a biscuit. It wasn't because I didn't want the calories, it was because I just wasn't craving one. So I wasn't restricting myself. It was the first night since last Thursday that I wasn't starving at 9 or 10 o'clock at night. I was fine because there wasn't a battle going on whether to eat or to let myself feel hungry. I was full and satisfied which was a nice feeling. It's good to know that I won't be constantly wanting to eat and therefore constantly feeling fat and like a pig...this is how I've been feeling most nights over the past weeks.
So what am I doing today..food-wise? I'm just sticking to my normal food-plan. I don't want to overdo it, and feel too strong about eating whatever I want. Because having one good day, without wanting to binge, doesn't mean to say that the next will be the same. I'm just trying to be careful, that's all.
I keep on asking myself, just because I'm not eating chips, fry-ups and pizza's..am I giving in to Anna? No, I don't think I am. The other day, Eileen made a fry-up, for her and Sean..sausages, eggs, pudding, beans, rashers..everything. I knew I could have had some if I wanted. Usually I wouldn't even considered having some, because of the calories. But, during the week, I did consider it, and it just didn't appeal to me.. I didn't see why I should eat, just because I can.. I wouldn't have felt good about, and I wouldn't have enjoyed it that much either..
Maybe now is the time for me to start asking myself, whenever I say no to food, who is behind it..? What's the reason for me saying no..? Is it because of the calories? Is it because I'm full? Is it because I don't enjoy a certain food? Is it because I'm not being active and therefore don't deserve it? If I can give an honest answer to these questions then I'll soon know the reason for me not eating it.. And the reason I didn't have a fry-up, was because I wouldn't have enjoyed it. So what's the point? If I'm going to enjoy something else more, then why can't I just have that, and not feel like Anna is behind it?
I guess the whole issue is that I can't really remember what food it is I used to eat and enjoy the most. But I suppose it's not about going back to eating the same food as I did years ago.. Tastes change.. I'm probably just starting to figure out, the food I now enjoy the most and the food I want.. It's not a question of what foods I'm allowed and what foods I'm not.. because I'm allowed to eat whatever I like, just like everyone else.. I know that now.
It will take time for me to feel confident with the decisions I make when it comes to food. If I'm aware of the reasons, then I should be able to deal with it.. Right, enough of the food-analyzing for now..
I'm not tired today at all. I've rested so much over the past few days, the walking around the house, doesn't feel like I'm running a marathon. Which is nice and tells me that I'm doing well, as I learn to listen and do what's right by my pyschical self. Tonight I'm going to see Diann and tomorrow it's acupuncture time again.
So I'll be signing off for now..
Misconception of my Reflection
Looking in the mirror, what do I see
A person looking back, it must be me
Is it real or should I not trust my eyes?
Am I able to switch off this feeling of despise?
New curves show that it's all going so well
If I'm happy or not, the curves will never tell
A healthy body is what I want to feel
But the reflection I see, will it be real?
How I would love to say, I hate every curve
But I won't lie as it hits a sensitive nerve
I can't say I love and I can say I hate
The food is working and will determine my fate
What will I weigh, when will the gaining stop?
I can't predict the future but won't let it drop
Taking in my reflection as I think about food
And tell myself that shallowness is so so rude
It enters my body, it's the choice I've made
I've been eating myself out of my mental shade
I convince myself of the good I'm doing
And I feel the energy that is slowly stewing
The mirror can tell me exactly what I want to believe
Be it good or bad, my body is will still receive
It keeps on going, there's no stopping it now
The kilo's will appear and Fay will take a bow
No matter what Anna says, when I see more bumps
I'll slowly get fitter and rise from the dumps
What I tell myself, is what I'll make come true
So I'm not fat but becoming the vibrant colour blue
As my clothes get tighter and my strength grows
I ignore Anna telling me that I'm ugly and it shows
This isn't the truth, she is telling me lies
So I look in the mirror and I see Fay in disguise
She has to be stronger and show me what's what
If I listen carefully, I'll remember what I once forgot
Reminding myself, It's insignificant what I weigh
I shouldn't care or take notice of what others say
A beautiful reflection or the image I'd love to own
But what is beauty, it's not a fact so it's unknown
Who determines what's beauty and what's not?
The same person who said my happiness should remain a dot
It's all me, It's all my own thoughts and views
They should drastically change, and this is old news
It's all wrong as my reflection supports my thought
Saying it's all bad as Anna makes me feel distraught
I can't trust it anymore and have to let it go
Fay has to take over the stage and steel this show
Will I avoid the mirror and forget about it all
But I don't want to run and I don't want to fall
Choosing to make the changes means facing the fact
That I'm not meant to be skinny if my health is intact
I have to focus on health instead of skin and bones
And cherish the kilo's and block out Anna's moans
This has to be done to finally breathe freely and embrace
So putting on weight should feel like I'm winning this race...
A person looking back, it must be me
Is it real or should I not trust my eyes?
Am I able to switch off this feeling of despise?
New curves show that it's all going so well
If I'm happy or not, the curves will never tell
A healthy body is what I want to feel
But the reflection I see, will it be real?
How I would love to say, I hate every curve
But I won't lie as it hits a sensitive nerve
I can't say I love and I can say I hate
The food is working and will determine my fate
What will I weigh, when will the gaining stop?
I can't predict the future but won't let it drop
Taking in my reflection as I think about food
And tell myself that shallowness is so so rude
It enters my body, it's the choice I've made
I've been eating myself out of my mental shade
I convince myself of the good I'm doing
And I feel the energy that is slowly stewing
The mirror can tell me exactly what I want to believe
Be it good or bad, my body is will still receive
It keeps on going, there's no stopping it now
The kilo's will appear and Fay will take a bow
No matter what Anna says, when I see more bumps
I'll slowly get fitter and rise from the dumps
What I tell myself, is what I'll make come true
So I'm not fat but becoming the vibrant colour blue
As my clothes get tighter and my strength grows
I ignore Anna telling me that I'm ugly and it shows
This isn't the truth, she is telling me lies
So I look in the mirror and I see Fay in disguise
She has to be stronger and show me what's what
If I listen carefully, I'll remember what I once forgot
Reminding myself, It's insignificant what I weigh
I shouldn't care or take notice of what others say
A beautiful reflection or the image I'd love to own
But what is beauty, it's not a fact so it's unknown
Who determines what's beauty and what's not?
The same person who said my happiness should remain a dot
It's all me, It's all my own thoughts and views
They should drastically change, and this is old news
It's all wrong as my reflection supports my thought
Saying it's all bad as Anna makes me feel distraught
I can't trust it anymore and have to let it go
Fay has to take over the stage and steel this show
Will I avoid the mirror and forget about it all
But I don't want to run and I don't want to fall
Choosing to make the changes means facing the fact
That I'm not meant to be skinny if my health is intact
I have to focus on health instead of skin and bones
And cherish the kilo's and block out Anna's moans
This has to be done to finally breathe freely and embrace
So putting on weight should feel like I'm winning this race...
Monday, November 3, 2008
Unwanted Fleshiness
The curves are seriously starting to take a stand and make their presence known. They are appearing in all the wrong place. Is it possible to have a curving nose? Or a curvy arm? Well, when the word curvy means chubby or fleshy..then yes I think it is possible for every part of the body to become curvy.
It's happening whether I like it or not. I look in the mirror and my ribs are gone. They've vanished. My arms a getting fat. Which means my muscles are disappearing and so are my bones. Doing nothing all day means that every muscle in my body is becoming weak and they're been replaced with fat.. But I eat healthy now, so why is it all turning into fat?
I sit down on the sofa and the tops of my legs are 2 tree-trunks, I've got a roll of fat around my stomach when I sit down and chunk of flesh sitting on both of my hips. But then I stand up and I hit my hips and I box them, just to see if it's all flabby and spongy. But they're neither. I'm still hitting and boxing bone. So why is that when I sit down, I have chunk of meat that I can take hold of? Is it fat? Or is it just me being paranoid? Well, of course it is, everyone will tell me. But just because people say this to me, doesn't make it all better. It doesn't make me believe that I'm really not fat and that I need flesh. Because I'm fine the way I am. Right now, I want to the weight to stop being piled on. Enough is enough. I don't want anymore weight. My legs are too weak to carry the fat top half of my body, so can't it just stop now? I'm fine, I'm better.
I really would love to know my weight. I reckon I'm around 45kilos now. So I think that's pretty acceptable. I'm not tall so for my height I reckon it's fine. If I tell myself I'm 45kilos, and I calculate my BMI (body mass index), I won't be underweight. I'll be a healthy weight. So I'm better and my body should stop making all this food turn into fat. I wish I had a weighing scales.. But do I care if my weight goes up to 50? to be honest.. yes, I do. I wish I could say that I don't care and that my weight doesn't bother me anymore. But it does..
Knowing that I've got all these new reserves, should make me feel good and energized and it should make me want to stop eating, just for a short while? But it doesn't, because I'm still hungry and still wanting more food, so my body still isn't getting enough after already eating so much this morning, which means it needs me to keep on putting on the weight. It's so unfair really.
When I think back to July, I remember thinking that by November I would be cured.. somebody will have waved their magic wand, and I would be all better. Unfortunately this isn't the case. I thought I would have more energy and be fine with eating and with my weight. But I'm none of these things. It's so frustrating.
Right, enough of talking Anna into my head and into ruining my day. Not that I'm having such a great one anyhow, but that's besides the point.
I just hate me body, and I want to stop the weight..even if it's only for a week or two. Can I not just give my insides a break? They deserve a rest now and then..Right, I'm stopping myself from going of on a rant..enough is enough..
It's happening whether I like it or not. I look in the mirror and my ribs are gone. They've vanished. My arms a getting fat. Which means my muscles are disappearing and so are my bones. Doing nothing all day means that every muscle in my body is becoming weak and they're been replaced with fat.. But I eat healthy now, so why is it all turning into fat?
I sit down on the sofa and the tops of my legs are 2 tree-trunks, I've got a roll of fat around my stomach when I sit down and chunk of flesh sitting on both of my hips. But then I stand up and I hit my hips and I box them, just to see if it's all flabby and spongy. But they're neither. I'm still hitting and boxing bone. So why is that when I sit down, I have chunk of meat that I can take hold of? Is it fat? Or is it just me being paranoid? Well, of course it is, everyone will tell me. But just because people say this to me, doesn't make it all better. It doesn't make me believe that I'm really not fat and that I need flesh. Because I'm fine the way I am. Right now, I want to the weight to stop being piled on. Enough is enough. I don't want anymore weight. My legs are too weak to carry the fat top half of my body, so can't it just stop now? I'm fine, I'm better.
I really would love to know my weight. I reckon I'm around 45kilos now. So I think that's pretty acceptable. I'm not tall so for my height I reckon it's fine. If I tell myself I'm 45kilos, and I calculate my BMI (body mass index), I won't be underweight. I'll be a healthy weight. So I'm better and my body should stop making all this food turn into fat. I wish I had a weighing scales.. But do I care if my weight goes up to 50? to be honest.. yes, I do. I wish I could say that I don't care and that my weight doesn't bother me anymore. But it does..
Knowing that I've got all these new reserves, should make me feel good and energized and it should make me want to stop eating, just for a short while? But it doesn't, because I'm still hungry and still wanting more food, so my body still isn't getting enough after already eating so much this morning, which means it needs me to keep on putting on the weight. It's so unfair really.
When I think back to July, I remember thinking that by November I would be cured.. somebody will have waved their magic wand, and I would be all better. Unfortunately this isn't the case. I thought I would have more energy and be fine with eating and with my weight. But I'm none of these things. It's so frustrating.
Right, enough of talking Anna into my head and into ruining my day. Not that I'm having such a great one anyhow, but that's besides the point.
I just hate me body, and I want to stop the weight..even if it's only for a week or two. Can I not just give my insides a break? They deserve a rest now and then..Right, I'm stopping myself from going of on a rant..enough is enough..
Midday on a Monday
It's Monday morning. Usually I would be going to see Diann now, but my appointment isn't until tomorrow night, because Mam is in Holland for a long weekend.
I'm feeling fine. I can wait until tomorrow, I won't explode and I'm just taking it easy.
Seeing as though Mam isn't here, running the house has kind of become my job. Okay, we're all "adults" so it shouldn't really have to come down to me..well, Sean being 14 is on his way to being an adult, and Eileen, well she's nearly 21 so she should be classed as one, even though she doesn't act like one half the time, but that's besides the point. I've taken over Mams job, which means I feel like I'm constantly picking up after everybody. I can't stand living in a mess, so I just get on with it. I'm tired now, because I've been at it for around an hour now.. Even though I've been taking it easy, doing the washing, cleaning up and stuff, I'm still exhausted. Maybe I have been overdoing it, but it's all been for the right reasons. It's because I don't want Mam coming home to a mess, because that would piss me off too.
I just sat down now, behind the computer, and it's only me now, I feel slightly sick, fragile and shaky, for being busy. But if someone were to see what I was to see me keeping busy, I wouldn't look like I'm overdoing it at all. Maybe I just feel the pressure of everything being put down to me, to keep things in "order"..
I'm hungry and I'm drinking my supplement, but it's not filling me at all.
You know when you feel so hungry, that you can't eat fast enough, to feel full again..that's what I'm experiencing now. But if I drink my drink too fast, then it will hit my stomach in 20 minutes time and I'll feel full and more disgusting than I feel constantly. I still have to eat something extra before I go to see Diann tomorrow night. I prefer to do when nobody is around. Sean is in school and Eileen is in bed. So I've been trying to decide what to have. But can't quite make up my mind..
Last night and Saturday night, I was starving again.. I was counting down the hours till it was time to go to bed, which made the evenings go on forever. I wanted them to end as quickly as possible, because that would mean that I wouldn't eat too much before going to sleep. I know this was wrong and I probably should have had larger portions at dinnertime, but when I'm full, I'm full. And after dinner I'm full.
Last night I was finished dinner at 7 and had a digestive biscuit at 8 and my drink at 9. I was hungry and my stomach was rumbling. I should have made a choice..either I should have went to bed as soon as I was tired which would have made breakfast time come faster.. or I should have obeyed my hunger and ate something which wouldn't have made me count down the hours until it was time to go to bed and the evening wouldn't have dragged on for what felt like forever. But I didn't do either. I just watched a movie and felt my stomach rumbling, I held onto my fat belly telling myself that I had to wait until breakfast time before eating again. So in the space of 5 hours, I had a biscuit and a supplement drink. This made me feel good, because I ate less food than my body needed. I know it's so bad, but I couldn't help it.
My legs were back to normal yesterday, after all the resting and lying down I did on Friday night and all day Saturday.. So I feel I'm back on track..leg-wise. But I have to save them now again for another while, even though I'm tempted to wear them out again.. It can be so annoying..when I don't know what to do, even though I've got lots of things to keep my mind occupied..
I'm munching on my apple now. It's so nice. I'm ahead of my food-plan today, like never before.. It's only 12 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm already halfway through my "menu"..This could get tricky.. It might mean I'll be overeating.. I'll see how it goes, but it's nicer to eat when I'm empty than to eat when I'm full (which is usually how I feel when I'm eating).
Sometimes I get so fed-up of talking and thinking and dreaming about food.. It's so repetitive and the same story over and over again.. it's draining at times.. O well.. Enough for now about food. I'm switching off.
I'm feeling fine. I can wait until tomorrow, I won't explode and I'm just taking it easy.
Seeing as though Mam isn't here, running the house has kind of become my job. Okay, we're all "adults" so it shouldn't really have to come down to me..well, Sean being 14 is on his way to being an adult, and Eileen, well she's nearly 21 so she should be classed as one, even though she doesn't act like one half the time, but that's besides the point. I've taken over Mams job, which means I feel like I'm constantly picking up after everybody. I can't stand living in a mess, so I just get on with it. I'm tired now, because I've been at it for around an hour now.. Even though I've been taking it easy, doing the washing, cleaning up and stuff, I'm still exhausted. Maybe I have been overdoing it, but it's all been for the right reasons. It's because I don't want Mam coming home to a mess, because that would piss me off too.
I just sat down now, behind the computer, and it's only me now, I feel slightly sick, fragile and shaky, for being busy. But if someone were to see what I was to see me keeping busy, I wouldn't look like I'm overdoing it at all. Maybe I just feel the pressure of everything being put down to me, to keep things in "order"..
I'm hungry and I'm drinking my supplement, but it's not filling me at all.
You know when you feel so hungry, that you can't eat fast enough, to feel full again..that's what I'm experiencing now. But if I drink my drink too fast, then it will hit my stomach in 20 minutes time and I'll feel full and more disgusting than I feel constantly. I still have to eat something extra before I go to see Diann tomorrow night. I prefer to do when nobody is around. Sean is in school and Eileen is in bed. So I've been trying to decide what to have. But can't quite make up my mind..
Last night and Saturday night, I was starving again.. I was counting down the hours till it was time to go to bed, which made the evenings go on forever. I wanted them to end as quickly as possible, because that would mean that I wouldn't eat too much before going to sleep. I know this was wrong and I probably should have had larger portions at dinnertime, but when I'm full, I'm full. And after dinner I'm full.
Last night I was finished dinner at 7 and had a digestive biscuit at 8 and my drink at 9. I was hungry and my stomach was rumbling. I should have made a choice..either I should have went to bed as soon as I was tired which would have made breakfast time come faster.. or I should have obeyed my hunger and ate something which wouldn't have made me count down the hours until it was time to go to bed and the evening wouldn't have dragged on for what felt like forever. But I didn't do either. I just watched a movie and felt my stomach rumbling, I held onto my fat belly telling myself that I had to wait until breakfast time before eating again. So in the space of 5 hours, I had a biscuit and a supplement drink. This made me feel good, because I ate less food than my body needed. I know it's so bad, but I couldn't help it.
My legs were back to normal yesterday, after all the resting and lying down I did on Friday night and all day Saturday.. So I feel I'm back on track..leg-wise. But I have to save them now again for another while, even though I'm tempted to wear them out again.. It can be so annoying..when I don't know what to do, even though I've got lots of things to keep my mind occupied..
I'm munching on my apple now. It's so nice. I'm ahead of my food-plan today, like never before.. It's only 12 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm already halfway through my "menu"..This could get tricky.. It might mean I'll be overeating.. I'll see how it goes, but it's nicer to eat when I'm empty than to eat when I'm full (which is usually how I feel when I'm eating).
Sometimes I get so fed-up of talking and thinking and dreaming about food.. It's so repetitive and the same story over and over again.. it's draining at times.. O well.. Enough for now about food. I'm switching off.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Right versus Wrong
Doing what's "right" by yourself, isn't always without force
But by doing so, can keep you going as by choice, it's your own course
It can feel so bad, but that's only because it's right
And choosing to ignore your beliefs, is knowing you own this fight
When something that once felt so right, now starts to feel wrong
It's a sign of change and that old beliefs are no longer as strong
But when listening to both feels right and wrong, at the same time
Should you keep on pushing until you reach the end of the line?
Whilst doing the right thing and aiming for this to eventually feel good
It feels so bad as your perception and goal can be misunderstood
The reality of it all, is different than what you have made yourself believe
And still you are unaware of what lies ahead and what you'll achieve
The goal won't give you the result that haunts you and deprives you from sleep
It isn't rational and it's only fear that makes you curl into a heap
Trying to see what forcing this change, will eventually make you become
Is nothing more than acting on what's "wrong" and wishing what's "right", to run
The depth of irrational versus rational thoughts, hopes, dreams and desires
Has caused a journey to evolve into something that cuts deeper than barbed wires
As each day you battle to aim for the "wrong" thing to also finally feel bad
And for the "right" thing to feel good and never make you feel sad
Confusion takes over your days which leads them to become muddled and hazy
All you dream about is for the nightmare to end and to feel as fresh as a daisy
Doing what's wrong by yourself, whilst it feeling so right, made you take this ride
So playing the game and winning as you follow the rules to which you must obide..
The name of the game, it holds no shame
Do the right thing, ignore every sting
Forget what you felt, make Anna slowly melt
You did so wrong, but it made you strong
Change the thinking, to avoid the sinking
Let go of the ease, as she never said please
Doing wrong today, wouldn't make you feel ok
So keep on doing what's right, until you win the fight
Do not over-analyze, never settle a compromise
Just take everything on board and cherish what you've already scored..
But by doing so, can keep you going as by choice, it's your own course
It can feel so bad, but that's only because it's right
And choosing to ignore your beliefs, is knowing you own this fight
When something that once felt so right, now starts to feel wrong
It's a sign of change and that old beliefs are no longer as strong
But when listening to both feels right and wrong, at the same time
Should you keep on pushing until you reach the end of the line?
Whilst doing the right thing and aiming for this to eventually feel good
It feels so bad as your perception and goal can be misunderstood
The reality of it all, is different than what you have made yourself believe
And still you are unaware of what lies ahead and what you'll achieve
The goal won't give you the result that haunts you and deprives you from sleep
It isn't rational and it's only fear that makes you curl into a heap
Trying to see what forcing this change, will eventually make you become
Is nothing more than acting on what's "wrong" and wishing what's "right", to run
The depth of irrational versus rational thoughts, hopes, dreams and desires
Has caused a journey to evolve into something that cuts deeper than barbed wires
As each day you battle to aim for the "wrong" thing to also finally feel bad
And for the "right" thing to feel good and never make you feel sad
Confusion takes over your days which leads them to become muddled and hazy
All you dream about is for the nightmare to end and to feel as fresh as a daisy
Doing what's wrong by yourself, whilst it feeling so right, made you take this ride
So playing the game and winning as you follow the rules to which you must obide..
The name of the game, it holds no shame
Do the right thing, ignore every sting
Forget what you felt, make Anna slowly melt
You did so wrong, but it made you strong
Change the thinking, to avoid the sinking
Let go of the ease, as she never said please
Doing wrong today, wouldn't make you feel ok
So keep on doing what's right, until you win the fight
Do not over-analyze, never settle a compromise
Just take everything on board and cherish what you've already scored..
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