Two characters have been playing a role in my life for months and months.. only now am I aware of these characters and I have only recently been properly introduced..
Dealing with this illness, I have been advised by Diann my therapist, to see it as a person.. See it as the devil sitting on your shoulder, see it as the voice inside your head. Don't see it as "myself" being this illness. Because I am not the illness itself. It has happened to me, and makes me behave in such ways that I'm now in a life threatening situation.. I should not be stamped with "Anorexic".
Seeing this disease as a person.. I shall call her Anna.. A person who tells me to punish myself, a person who tells me too deprive my body from food, a person who tells me that I'm fat, a person who forces me to weigh myself constantly, a person who hates my body, a person that will push and push me and will never be satisfied until I die. Anna will get stronger the more I listen to her. She has now got me in her claws. Once I was able to control her, but now I am slowly losing control. When this happens, when Anna is controlling my body, I will loose weight and deteriorate without wanting to and then I will be in serious serious trouble. Today I discovered I have lost another kilo. That's when I thought: Oh no, has it happened? Has she now got her viscous nails into me and taken over my body?, I didn't want to loose that kilo.. how did that happen? I have eaten today!!
This only happens when Anna takes over. She won't be satisfied until I have pushed myself as far as I can go. And how far can a person go? Below 30 kilo's and still not think it's enough? When will it be enough? When I'm being fed through a drip in hospital? When my organs start to fail? When I die?
Anna will never be pleased with how far she can push me. On bad days, she'll push me and I will listen to her.. I will not want to eat. She will be there, on my shoulder, giving out to me, for eating a yogurt.
On good days, I will be able to resist her voice and not listen to her and I will be strong. I will listen to myself.. I will call this voice Fay. She will be my guardian angle. She will tell me I deserve food, I need food and I am allowed to enjoy food. She will tell me that I choose life over death. She will remind me of what's important in life. She will remind me of the person I used to be, when I had a healthy normal lifestyle. She will remind me that to have the life I want and the experiences I want to have, I need to sit and eat. I need to ignore Anna. I need to listen to Fay. Fay will always be there, but Anna is overpowering. She's a bully.. Her voice is a lot louder than Fays'..
Right now, at this moment, I choose Fay over Anna. I choose life over death..
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