It has started...

The past 4 weeks have gone by in blur.. a daze. Sometimes I wonder if this is really me. Am I really experiencing this? But I am and it is me.. Niamh Keoghan..

All of my friends and mates in Holland have been told. I told my family aswell. The most important people I want to know and to be kept up to date, have been told.. by me.. which was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. It would have been so much easier to just keep on lieing.. just keep up the "front". But nobody can live like that.

When did this illness come upon me? Where did I go too far? I keep thinking, but I can't seem to find the answer. Which is frustrating. When did it happen that just trying to be healthy turned into an obsession with food? From which point in time can I be classed or "stamped" Anorexic? That's the million dollar question.

It was all down my mother really. If she hadn't have been a persistent for me to see the doctor, I wouldn't be in the place I am now. I am Irish, but I was living in Holland, for years, have traveled and since October last year I was back living in Holland. My mother, little brother and sister live in Ireland and my 2 older sisters live in Holland. I was / am living in Breda, around 1 hour from my sisters. I found a job and a room in Breda and was pretty happy (work wasn't always great though, but thats a different story). But my obsession with eating "healthy" started to get out of control. I only realize this now, looking back. I had lost a lot of weight whilst traveling. My family and friends did seem to get a bit of "shock" when I arrived back home. But I didn't see what the problem was.. "Whats the big deal?".. "I'm fine, feel good..". Everyone thought I would slowly put back on the weight I had lost once I got back into a normal routine. But in my mind, this was NOT going to happen..

And it didn't. I was able to put up a "front". Everyone thought I was eating enough and healthy. But I wasn't. I started to lead two lives, without even realizing what I was doing. I would convince people that I was eating 3 meals a day.. which I was (but nobody knew how "big" these meals were, and how hungry I was..nearly constantly).
I ate an orange and a kiwi in the morning or a tiny portion of muesli with yoghurt, 2 sandwiches for lunch and then "dinner". If I ate alone it would just be muesli and fruit or bread. Only when I ate with mates, did I eat a proper meal. I would constantly compensate everything I ate. If I had a big meal with friends, I wouldn't let myself have another big meal for as long as possible. If I had a piece of chocolate at work, I wasn't allowed to have dinner. I was so strict and I was coping well. I only weighed myself when I would visit my sisters, which would be around 1 a month or so. And I wasn't putting on weight, I was slowly slowly losing it. How happy was I??!!! I was able to let everyone think that I eat normally and I'm still "skinny" (not that I would see myself as being skinny). This was my specialty.. my new figure.. I wanted everyone to think that this is what I am supposed to look like.

It got worse and worse though and harder to deal with.. the lieing and disguising. The stress that comes with it, is really unbelievable. But at that time, you really don't realise it. Family and friends started to get worried and I would talk about my weight, but I would lie. Telling them that I'm eating enough and that I really don't understand it either, that I'm not putting back on the weight.

Deep down, I knew it was going to come out, sooner or later. But I wanted to solve this problem by myself. I even looked for help on the internet.. Hoping that someone would contact me and that I could deal with this by myself and nobody would have to know, I wouldn't have to disappoint people and feel ashamed. But I didn't get any replies from the emails I sent to certain organizations. So on I went.. just living and lieing.

It wasn't until I came to Ireland on holidays, to visit the family, that it all seemed to explode.. My mother insisted I go to the doctors. That's okay, not a problem. In my head I was already making up stories to tell her (her name is Siobhan) so nobody was going to find out. It wouldn't be a problem. On the 7th of June the day came when I realized I really do have a problem.

I went to the beach, here in Arklow, sat there, and was so stressed out about all the food I had eaten since I had come to Ireland on holidays.. I couldn't believe how bad I felt. I suddenly realised I couldn't go on living like this anymore. It was too stressful and everything was building up inside of me, I had never ever spoken to anyone about it, and the word "anorexic" had never passed my lips (it had only entered my head now and then).

That night me and my mother went out for a drink and slowly we approached the subject. We knew exactly what we were saying and what I was wanting to say. But it still hadn't been said. My mother just told me to honest to Siobhan, when we go to see her. I knew what was coming.. 2 days later, the 9th of June (a day that will stay with me forever) we sat in the waiting room and I was so scared, my heart was racing, I didn't speak, I just wanted to run.. If I could have done anything for me not to have to go into the doctors' office I would have done it. But then it was our turn. I entered the office and immediately burst into tears. We talked and I was still sticking to the story I had made up in my head.. "But I AM eating!!", "I DO eat 3 meals a day", "I AM happy", "I DO feel fine". But Siobhan saw exactly what was going on, and she knew exactly what to say for me to come clean and say what we were all thinking. She forced me to say it.. "I'm anorexic". It was like being an alcoholic and having to stand up and admit that you have a problem. I will never ever forget that moment.. It was one of the hardest in my life, for sure.

From that moment on, up until now, everything has been up in the air. I had to make the extremely difficult but wise decission to go on the sick at work, and come back to Ireland to get better. It was so hard. But if I were to go back to Breda I would just go back to the same old routine and probably would have gotten worse and worse.

Since that dreaded day, I have told my family and my closest friends. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. But it needed to be done. I knew not all my mates would react the same or understand straight away, but I understand that. Nobody can really understand fully, how the illness starts and how it takes over your life. Alot of people said "But how can that be, you eat don't you?". Being anorexic isn't black and white, which is what a lot of people think. It's so much more than that. Sometimes there is just so much to say and think, that I don't even know where to begin myself. It's so complex.

It is now Saturday the 5th of July, sitting behind the computer in my mothers kitchen in Arklow, looking out the window and it's raining.. I have an appointment on Monday with the doctor and also at the hospital. This will be the first time I'll be speaking to someone who is specialized in dealing with people with eating disorders. The will "evaluate" me and do some tests. Then I will know what the procedure is for the treatment.

At the moment, everything is uncertain. And that's the worst thing of all. The only thing I know is that it could take up to 6 months for me to recover. And thats only an estimate of course. It all depends on myself.. How eager I am to get back to normal.. Which at the moment is extremely eager. I don't want to be in Ireland.. Even though I know I couldn't get better without my mother and family around me. Their support is so important and I need it. But I have still left my life in Breda behind and I sometimes wonder why.. I don't feel ill.. I still live life like I did 4 or 5 weeks ago.. What's the big deal? What's the fuss? but deep down I know there is a problem and that is alot I need to work on. And I know the road to recovery will be hard but I need to focus on the positive side. On days like today I can. On days when I'm sad and frustrated I can't.

I hope to know more on Monday. Or during next week anyway. I'll keep you POSTED ;)