The Therapist, Diann, awaits..

My first appointment, with the therapist. It was last night, the 7th of July..

It was so great that I got this appointment, because things in Ireland with the health system are pretty bad. The waiting list to see a specialist in the hospital in Dublin, just to talk, is 6 weeks. I have an appointment there on the 15th of August. But in the meantime I am so lucky that I got this appointment because last week my mother bumped onto their website (they are specialized in dealing with people with eating disorders). She sent them an email, and within a day the appointment was made. It was in Wexford, 1 hour drive from Arklow.

The name of the therapist is Diann. She was so great. I was nervous and scared, not knowing what to expect. From the moment we walked in, she was so open about everything. We were there for an hour and a half. Talking and talking. The main issue was that she was making me see that I am ill and that I do have a problem. Because at the moment, I think that's my biggest problem. I keep telling myself "there's nothing wrong with me, I feel fine". This is because I do feel fine and I don't see the problem.. It's so hard to see, especially when you do everything you did weeks ago.. you live life normally and go about your daily things.
It's extremely frustrating when I think like that, due to the fact that I left so much behind in Holland, to get better.. when you feel fine, you constantly ask yourself.. "what have I done?"..
But I know deep down that there is a problem, and if I didn't, I certainly do now, after speaking with Diann last night.

I have to have a lot of tests done within the next few weeks.. My heart needs to be monitored, blood tests need to be done, fitness tests.. She gave me a list of tests that need to be done.. and there's me thinking.. "there's nothing wrong.. what's the fuss about?". My BMI (Body Mass Index (this is how healthy your weight is, in comparison to your height)is below 15, which means I fall into the category of "severe anorexic".. This did come as a shock to me. But she needed to do this, to make me see that I am ill and that it is life threatening. It was confronting to say the least.

We spoke about how it may all have started.. when did I start losing weight.. It was before I went to Australia, which is 2 years ago. Eating healthy and taking this too far. She said that there have been researches carried out, which prove that being anorexic or having an eating disorder or any kind of "addiction", can be in your genes.. There can be a number of factors combined to trigger the behavior. As most of you know, there are such "addictions" in my family, that combined with my own personality.. (I am a perfectionist and have discipline, can also be a control freak) can lead to this suffering from this illness).

This was something she really wanted me to understand, because at the moment (or until yesterday) I blamed myself.. I felt that this disease (not be compared to an illness, then you have an operation and you recover) is self inflicted. I've done this to myself. I have pushed myself to the limits, sometimes hard sometimes easy, but with determination and a lot of discipline I brought this illness on myself.. And now, I'm being punished. Now I have to deal with the shit. But that's what I deserve. As they say in dutch "Boontje komt om zijn loontje".. She told me that I have to stop thinking like this. Or else I will go on punishing myself even more. She said that I'm at a point now that this could all spiral out of control. I know I have lost more weight in the past 1 month than I have done in the 2 months before. This is also very common she said. For a long time you can control the illness, you feel strong and you are feeling fine until you go too far and then the illness controls you and it gets out of hand and you loose weight without wanting or trying to. I have noticed that the past month it has gotten so much worse.

After hearing this, I know that I am blessed that we have taken action now and that I am getting help now, instead of months down the line. Not only this, she also told me about the health system in Ireland. It is so tragic. In the whole of Ireland there are only 2 hospital beds for people suffering from anorexia. I couldn't believe it. I feel so sorry for all the young girls out there, in Ireland, who need to be taken into hospital and who need to be treated and it just isn't available.. It's so sad.
If I was to get much worse, if the illness was to get out of control, I would have to go to a psychiatric hospital, where the nurses aren't trained and all they do all day is feed you 3000 calories!! At the thoughts of having to go somewhere like that, to treated like a human dustbin, I just cringed..

So, I am going to keep on eating.. I am going to try keep on eating. With the support of my family, at home, I can do this. I'm not planning on letting this disease get the better of me.. No way. She also said that people suffering from this, get better faster in the home environment. It's more effective, which I can understand. So my mother will have to be the one to "monitor" what I eat from day to day. On good days I won't need to be "forced" to eat, and on bad I know I won't want to eat..and that's when she needs to step in, and encourage me. So every week from today we will introduce something new for me to eat on daily basis. I suggested eating a piece of fruit in between the two "meals" I would eat everyday. I will do this for a week and then next week it will be another something extra. But in small portions. And for me to get back to a normal diet will take so so long.. I can't believe it really.

What I would usually eat from day to day, is a yogurt with nuts or muesli and then "dinner".. (if i had my way it would be 2 slices of toast and that would be plenty, but sometimes I would have to force myself to eat something with a bit of goodness). So by the time I get back to being able to eat 3 meals a day with snacks in between, will take forever..well that's what it feels like anyway. Not only mentally (not wanting to eat) but also physically.. My stomach can be so sore when I eat meat or anything that is rich or heavy or even a tiny bit fatty.. (apparently the muscle in my stomach doesn't work anymore, so the food just sits there for hours, I can't digest it and then I get a swollen stomach, which then makes me feel like an elephant again, so I'm not letting myself eat then for as long as possible.. a vicious circle) .

I understand that this all seems so vague.. To me it does aswell.. I want to be able to fully understand where this has all come from and why I am where I am right now. I hope with the help of Diann and my mother that it will start the fall into place. The best thing about the appointment yesterday after I had explained how I feel and act around food, was when Diann said "Niamh, you're not crazy, you're not mad, and you're not alone". I felt, finally, someone recognizes and understands how I feel!

I feel, after the first appointment, that the first step has been made now. It will be a long long road ahead and that scares me to death. But I can do this, with small steps. I will be seeing Diann every week now, and every week we will slowly introduce me to eating an extra bit of food. I hope in time to be able to write exactly why and how food is such an issue.. I have so much in my head at the moment that it's hard to know where to start whenever I start typing. But I have time and I need to give myself time to understand.
I have a mountain to climb, and only with determination will I be able to able to reach the top. The top of the mountain, for me, is to get my health, strength and my happy self back. Or as my mother put, when we were driving back home last night "I just want the Niamh back with the twinkle in her eye"..