A typical day in the life of me

I woke up this morning, feeling nice and empty.. What a glorious feeling that was, even though I had a nutritious meal last night, at 18:30.. a salmon fillet, with some vegetables. Then the battle begun straight away..

First of all, going to the bathroom. The weighing scales. Will I stand on it or not? No, I didn't. Usually I would have to fight off the urge to stand on that piece of sh*t.. (excuse my language). But today, because I was feeling so empty and pleased, I didn't want to burst my bubble, if the scales told me I had put on a some weight.

Then, to the kitchen. This is where the real fight begins.. It was 11:15, I hadn't eaten for 16.5 hours, but if I were to eat, then I would loose this glorious feeling of emptiness.. But at the same time, I had no energy what so ever. I sat at the kitchen table, and knew if I didn't eat, that walking up the stairs, having a shower or doing my yoga, would not be an option. But how long was I to wait before having my food? If I were to wait a while, I would enjoy it more but then I might not be able to control the amount I eat, because of the power of my mind telling me that I need this food.. So I was drawn between two powerful thoughts.. eat and loose this feeling that I love..emptiness and trade this feeling for energy. Or wait as long as possible to keep this feeling I love so much inside of me with the risk that, once I do eat, I will overeat and then try to starve myself for the rest of the day??

Well, what did I choose? I chose to eat. At 11:45. A bowl of yogurt with some nuts and seeds. Good foods, that are healthy. It took me an hour to eat. But that's fine. I take so long, to enjoy it as much as possible and because my stomach takes a while to take in the food. As long as I'm alone and eating it, I think I'm doing well, and I enjoy every little bite. Along with this yogurt I do need to drink at least 1,5 liters of green tea.. This is a habit.. As much fluid as I can take.. (It also contains vitamins and minerals, so the tea does me good at the same time).

Then, I can feel my body taking charge again. It is taking a short while to produce the energy that I need, because the stomach muscle isn't working the way it should do, so the yogurt will sit in my belly for longer (and my body knows that it will need to live on this amount for a while, until i have another "meal"). But once I have digested it, my belly swells up, but I can walk up the stairs, have shower, do things around the house, and go for a walk. That's when I come alive and feel good again.

So why, I hear you think, if this food makes me feel good, do I have so much trouble in bringing myself to eating it? Well, I'm afraid I cannot answer that. If I knew the answer to this question, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now.

I told ma last night, that I will be eating an orange again, in between my two eating moments. So it's now 15:00, I haven't done anything active today, to work off the yogurt, so I need to go for a walk, to work up my appetite to eat the orange and later on some dinner.

As long as I keep active, I'm feeling fine about eating small amounts. I'm better off eating small amounts than nothing at all.

On a day like this one, I get tired just thinking about tomorrow. The same thing, all over again.. For you, reading this, you must think I'm crazy. For me, it's daily life..