What a difference a day makes

Today, a great day..
Yesterday, a day from hell..
The difference 24 hours makes, I cannot describe. It's unreal.

I knew this would be the case. Diann told me. Some days you will feel as if you have the weight of the world and your shoulders and other days you feel on top of the world and full of life. And she was so so right.

I have made a "deal" with my ma. I have to tell her what I will be eating extra between my 2 "food-times" (I'm going to call it this from now on, because they aren't proper meals yet). And yesterday I had to eat a banana. Well, do you think I wanted to eat a banana.. no way.. I wanted to eat an orange..(like the day before). But my ma had to be strict (on Dianns' advice aswell). She insist I eat this banana. I only ate half, threw the rest in the bin and felt awful after eating it.. Not the fact that it wasn't tasty, but there are certain fats in banana's and I just don't like to eat them.. So my head was totally f*cked up because of this banana.

It was 3 o clock in the afternoon when I ate it. I then had to go to the doctor to get a scan done for my heart. But I was pissed off.. I was shitty with my ma, just because she "made" me eat this banana. I had then already decided that I wasn't going to eat my dinner.. I thought, well because of all those calories in the banana, I'm now not eating for the rest of the night. I didn't care.. But after being at the doctors' office, hocked up to this machine (something that I have only ever read about or seen on tv.. a skinny little person, half naked, only flesh and bone, being checked for a healthy heartbeat, because she has been starving herself as much as possible), took it out of me (the machine didn't work in the end, and I have to go back for another scan next week, when they fix it.. typical Irish health system). Then I had to walk home, which was half an hour. Usually this wouldn't be a problem, but I stepped out of the office, turned the corner and already my legs were like jelly. I couldn't believe how tired and exhausted I was.. I usually love to walk, and would use any excuse just to get the exercise and burn calories. But not this time. I felt old, I felt drained, I felt lifeless. Then I started to feel emotional, and sad. Mainly because it is all my own fault. I have made myself feel like this, I have made myself feel so tired and lifeless. I have drained my brain from calories that I'm hardly able to remember what I have done that morning. I have made my legs feel and look like 2 twigs.. I have drained all the life, soul and strength out of my body and I can hardly walk home.. I just wanted to cry. That's how tired and distressed I felt.

I eventually made it home, but every step of the way, I had to think.. just put one step in front of the other.. I can get there..
Came home and then I knew I needed food.. otherwise I was about to faint and I would have ma to answer to.. haha.
But then.. o god, I ate the wrong food. I had a toasted sandwich with chicken and cheese.. and lots and lots of spices.. but then I had the tiniest piece of sponge cake with some cheese (the strangest combination, I know..), and that made me feel full and sick for the rest of the night. Now I'm not sure if that was all in my head or not.. but I was so sorry I ate it, and my stomach was hurting for most of the day too, which didn't help.
All this.. just because I ate half a banana.. I said to ma: "Never again am I eating a banana..". Ma said I had a good day, but for me it was sh*t.. why was it such a good day if I was feeling so unhealthy and fat? To me, it's a mystery..

Today on the other hand.. I had to take a whole different approach to it all. My first food-time, was delicious (yogurt with nuts and seeds.. my favorite) and then I was allowed to have an orange.. Thank god!! I will enjoy this, and I did.. But I needed it. I was shopping and I felt like an 80 year-old woman (not that I could know precisely how a woman of that age feels like..but after yesterday and today, I can kind of imagine how..). Again I was lifeless, I had no energy, walking up the stairs (Oh god.. I can't.. but of course, I push myself and then I can), getting out of the car, getting up from the table, walking to the loo.. Oh god.. so much effort..
So I really felt today that my body needed an energy boost (this will probably be it now, for the next few days.. see how far I can push myself). So an orange at 3 o clock and then I got cooking for Eileen and Sean (my brother and sister), noodles with chicken and veggies.. and I scraped the plate! It was gorgeous.. I ate it without feelings of guilt or disgust. No problems. This is probably because I cooked it myself and knew exactly what was in it (no oil.. no butter.. no fat.. the tiniest bit of sauce..). But I ate it and, once my stomach stopped being sore, I felt the energy and I was active and feeling fit and strong. My legs weren't jelly and my head wasn't fuzzy.. This is only 2 hours ago.

I feel, at this moment, that I have had a new lease of life. And what I was feeling yesterday, is like a totally different world.. It's like that wasn't even me. Which is so strange.
And feeling so strong at the moment, I want to live again, I know I can do this and I don't know why I put myself through what I put myself through yesterday.. I then start to think: it could all be so easy, I could be living and feeling like this all the time, if I ate enough all the time..
When feeling positive, like I do now, I need to take as much energy and thoughts from this as I can, because I don't know how long it will last before I stumble onto a bad day..

Diann really was right, the difference between a good day and a bad day.. is so huge, that words can't describe..