Control-Freak

This is one is triggered by Mark..

A controlling personality can work both ways..
I mentioned yesterday that I can be a control freak. Well, my dear cousin Mark made me realize, that having this character trait doesn't have to be a bad thing. A person can either use it or misuse it. I think I have done the second. Controlling what I eat, starving myself, being in control and that always makes me feel strong...

Oh my god, a light bulb has just switched on in my old head again.. REALIZATION!!!

I wrote in a poem.. "is there anything else that I can do that will make me feel just as strong.. If I'm not allowed to starve myself anymore".. Well, I feel strong when I'm in control. I can take this controlling power I have to take my life into my own hands. I have made the choice to push Anna out. I need to keep pushing her, in order to get rid of her, and to get my own life back. This I can see as being a control-freak.. doing what I do best..?!

If I can do this, won't this make me feel strong? When I finally achieve this, knowing that I was the only one able to fix myself and knowing the strength it took to beat Anna, won't this give the same sense of strength? Because, at the end of the day, I AM the only one who can fix myself. I'm the only one who can take control of this situation, no matter how many people are supporting me and wanting me to get better. There is no one else on this planet that is going to cure me.. except for me. How much more rewarding is it, when I will finally feel that I still DO have control, but that I'll be using it to make my life full again, to get my health back and to feel like a worthy human being..

I cannot believe that, just in the last 15 minutes I have come to realize this.. Even after writing it in a poem, but not knowing the answer.. not knowing what I could do, that would make me feel just as strong, and then Mark saying that being a control-freak doesn't have to be a bad thing.. It's like I've just been smacked in the face.. BUT IN A GREAT WAY!!!!

So.. It's my choice.. I'm going to get her out of my life, for good, I'm taking control, and I'm going to keep on fighting. I'm going to push myself.. everyday.. I will get there and I will be so much stronger for doing so.

Thank you so much Mark!! Love ya to bits!!!!