Dr. Diann beats Dr. Phil anyday...

Session number 7..
After Diann having her holidays, I had waited 2 very long weeks for this session. It felt like forever.. I only realized how much I "cling" to these sessions with her, and how much good they do.. I seem to have started to live from one session to the next, just like most people live from weekend to weekend..

I had so much that I wanted to tell her, to discuss and to ask her, that I actually made a list.. I had it in my pocket, but of course I didn't take it out during the session.. It just gave me mind a little bit of peace, instead of worrying that I was going to forget something that I wanted to say.

I didn't know where to start.. What HAD happened 2 weeks? Well, my sisters had been over to visit, my mates Wendy and Janneke had been over for the weekend, I had been to acupuncture, I had positive days, I had 1 extremely low day, a few days without any energy, a day here and there with aches and pains, I had my appointment at the hospital, had added some extra muesli and stopped and started different kinds of medication.
An eventful 2 weeks.. well in my case anyhow.
All this, as well as achieving many realizations.. The visit from Wendy and Janneke and my sisters was great and I needed it. I also seen it as a "new starting point" in this whole process. The day they left, I said to myself, "right, this is it Niamh, from now on you are going to get as much rest as possible, and just do absolutely NOTHING, and concentrate on getting better".. I saw it as a "new chapter". It worked, well for the first days anyhow. I stayed indoors last week, just about every day.. I rested, I went to bed in the afternoon, I was just forcing myself to do as little as possible. The only time I went outside the house was to acupuncture, to the supermarket and for a drive on Saturday.. o yeah, and I also went on an adventure to the petrol station, just up the road on Sunday (I shouldn't have done that.. It totally wrecked me). Anyhow, I still have to see that chapter as ongoing.. Which means I still must rest and not let Anna slowly creep back in.. Because that is exactly what happens.. full of positive thoughts you force yourself to be good to yourself and listen to your body.. and that starts off well for a few days.. and ever so sneaky Anna tries to muscle her way back in by telling me to walk to the petrol station.. That's why it's so important to see Diann every week.. Because missing a week, the positivity and drive to get better just slowly disappears..And I simply need a "kick up the backside" every week to keep on top of it.. or else all the good work just goes down the drain...
Right, getting slightly side-tracked here...

As I was saying, I didn't go out much last week. Then I told her about my "All-time-low-day" on Thursday.. First of all? What triggered it? Why were you feeling so low Niamh? Well... Basically I was sick of feeling full, bloated, fat and disgusting. I didn't want to eat anymore, it was tiring having to constantly stuff myself and not being able to digest anything. I wanted to give my stomach a rest for a while, from working so hard.. but I wasn't allowed, and it felt like it was NEVER going to stop.. It was never ending.. Because I will always have to keep on eating.. no matter what.. But still asking myself "when is this awful feeling going to stop?".. Well, it won't, not until my body can digest, that's the only time I'll stop feeling so gross.. And for this to happen (for my body to start digesting) I need to keep on feeding myself and training my body to accept food. I need to get past this disgusting stage.. Being so aware of this fact as I was on that dreaded Thursday, only made me frustrated and angry.. And there was nothing I could do, only eat and post blogs.. I did take out my frustration on the witch in hotpress (she is now headless and legless).. Just as I was calming down, it was all triggered again when I received an email from a mate saying how well I'm doing.. This set the ball rolling.. I got so upset, I went ballistic.. I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know what was happening and I just couldn't deal with it.. What is "it" I hear yourself ask.. I can't answer that, because I don't know.

I discussed this outburst with Diann.. Why did that email make me so upset? Well, the fact that people think I'm doing so well, when I'm not (especially not the moment I read that anyway), or when I'm feeling so bad.. Makes me feel awful. It makes me realize that nobody really understands what I'm going through and this in turn makes me feel alone. The fact the people think I'm doing well, and I am, makes me want to make myself sicker again.. Because Anna doesn't want me to feel well.. she doesn't feel that I deserve to get better.. She doesn't want me to eat and be happy and live a normal life.. So if someone says that I'm doing well, depending on the day, it can come a real punch.. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". That's the thing with anorexia.. it's such a complex illness, people dealing with it can hardly comprehend what goes on, let alone family and friends...
I felt so bad, for these sweet kind words to have such an effect on me.. But I couldn't help it. I feel bad now, writing this. I don't want anyone to feel bad, and I don't want anyone to hold back either in their emails. I don't want anyone to feel guilty either. I want everyone to be able to just say what they're thinking.. be it good or bad.. If it's to give me "kick up the backside" or to pay me compliment or offer me encouraging words.. I really do appreciate it all, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.. Reading your comments and having your support, is all part of process for me right now, and I need to read them. Okay, yes, it can trigger a lot, or just set the ball rolling...Sometimes I need this, to deal with it, and go through the motions of it all.. It has to be done sooner or later.. and sooner it's done the better, at least then it's out of the way. So please don't feel bad, guilty or anything. Every comment and every bit of support I need and cherish...

I'm not exactly able to explain what was going on in my head those whole 5 hours of insaneness last Thursday.. But.. Diann to the rescue..
Not knowing what exactly is going on "upstairs", could be because over the years I have always been on top of life, always going and doing things I have dreamed of and being happy and not letting anyone see if and why I actually wasn't.. This builds up over the years... until it reaches boiling point and now, dealing with Anna is bringing other things to surface and I don't know what it is.. But I had to let it out.. and if it's a comment that someone has made, then so be it.. "Better out than in!" is my motto. Not knowing what's going on inside my head, is freaky, but with time I should start to figure out what these issues are and deal with them.. The head wrecking turmoil, the mess that has somehow been created, needs sorting and I reckon that's what's happening now. Diann also said, that the acupuncture could have influenced it, because it would have stimulated certain energies that I haven't been feeling for so long. Which, in the long run, will be extremely beneficial..

In a way, and I never realized it until last night, until Diann pointed it out, I'm putting myself through therapy. We spoke alot about my blog and about how often I write and what, and how important it is to me.. She said that it is great that I'm doing this.. But were I to be in hospital, in the state I am right now, I wouldn't be allowed to be put through any kind of therapy because I'm physically not strong enough to deal with it.. It takes a lot out of a healthy person, to go through the therapy I'm supposedly putting myself through.. let alone a person in my condition. I thought..huummm..?? I'm putting myself through therapy? By writing and analyzing the way I do, Diann says that I am. This actually shocked me.. I didn't see this as therapy in any way, shape or form.. But after thinking about it.. Maybe she is right.. And by doing this to myself, putting myself through this, I am putting more pressure on myself.. Not only dealing with this illness, food, weight and the emotions that come along with as well as having left my life behind in holland but I am also putting myself through a whole different process.. and that's the process of finding out what this turmoil in my head is all about...

Most of time I don't realize how much extreme the effect can be on myself, physically and mentally, while dealing with all these issue combined. Is it really any wonder why I'm feeling so bad from day to day.. why I'm feeling so tired.. Why I'm feeling so gross on the inside.. Why I'm feeling so full and empty at the same time..? It's only when I hear it from someone else, someone I know who understands what I'm going through, as Diann's dealt with her own personal Anna as well, it hits home.. It does make me realize why this is so hard for me and that it will take time before I come out the other end.

Going through all these emotions, feelings, strain and pressure puts your body through so much. It puts anyone's body through stress and pain.. anybody in a healthy position would feel how intense certain kinds of "head wrecking torture" can be. It eats away at you.. without realizing.. Prime example.. My mam, whenever she is stressed she loses weight.. it eats away at her, even though she would eat.. it just puts her body through so much more, it literally "takes it out of her".. and everybody who takes so much out of their soul, needs to put something back in as well.. to create the balance.. to feed the soul, to recuperate and to feel human again.. If you don't put anything good back in, the soul, the mood and therefore any positive outlook that once was had, sinks to an all time low..
For a person in normal circumstances, putting back into the soul, would mean doing something the re-energizes and switch off the "head wrecking".. A few examples.. a walk on the beach, taking a bath and pampering, reading a book, watching a movie, going for a hike... Just things that make appreciate life and make you feel like new again..
"What has this got to do with me?", I hear you ask yourself. Well, just like many people, I haven't been putting enough back into myself. Dealing with so many issues is also "taking it out of me". I'm not only talking food wise (of course, in my case, this is also a big issue, but not the only issue). So I need to start feeding my soul, not only through my mouth... I need to re-energize my body, I need to be putting back into my soul all that I'm taking out.. What feeds my soul? Usually I would answer.. A long walk, with my favorite tunes on my ipod... But at the moment.. A stroll on the beach? Not an option (not just yet anyhow) because I can't seem to deal with too much fresh air (sounds stupid), but any amount of wind and I'm wrecked.. Sitting in the back garden on a nice day? I could do that (not that "nice days" come along that often here..). Listening to my ipod? That could work.. Reading? That's already become my number one pass-time (but it has to be an easy read, and not something you could compare to an encyclopedia, which I would be tempted to do...). Going for a drive? I love that.. Just sitting in the car, looking out the window.. I especially love it when it's raining.. that means I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much by not being able to enjoy the good weather..
So, as informed and advised by Diann:.. "I must resource myself, I must feed my soul".. I can do that.. No problem...

BUT.. there was a very big but, to all this "dealing-with-my-head-that-can-be-discribed-as-an-emotional-mess" (not too sure if that's proper english or not..) and the "head wrecking" and thus the analyzing.. I have to be careful not to overdo it. This is something I have been told before.. by a some people who are "spiritually well-educated".. (sounds a bit strange maybe, don't know what other name to give), that I'm a thinker.. but too much at times.. and I need to be careful not to overdo it.. Because it will literally drive me insane.. which I have already experienced, and probably will do in the future again. But I know that it's something I have to work on. Diann pointed this out. She said, work through it, write about it, but then "LET IT GO AND LET YOURSELF FELL LIKE SH*T..".. Because it's obviously for a reason and analyzing it isn't going to make it go away, so just let it be.. who cares? Trying to push it away by finding an answer as to Why we feel this way, will probably be a more painful process than just letting ourselves feel what they are feeling at that present time.. So in other words..Be true to what you are feeling, don't analyze, and don't pretend and go through the motions..


It's all so complex.. It's all so much.. A session with Diann is so intense.. When I look back on it now, it's like I wasn't even there, it was like one of those "out-of-body" experiences (that I have had so often the past 2 months). So strange.. I can't explain how it feels.. But when I'm there, I start talking and talking.. it's like a badly prepared mumbled up speech, when I get to the stage that my heart is racing and I'm nearly out of breath and I don't know what I'm trying to say, I can't make sense of what's coming out, and I have totally forgotten the point I was wanting to make..
And then Diann takes over and tries her best to make sense of it all, and comes out the most inspiring opinions and information.. and I sit there, concentrating, trying to take in everything that she says (sometimes i would want to start taking notes).. whilst listening to her I can hear myself repeating to myself what she was saying.. trying to write it on my mental block, whilst making sense of what she's saying at the same time and trying to make another mental note of what I want to say about all this new information or what I want to ask about it... How tiring.. and then I start ranting again.. This goes on for a hour, sometimes a little longer.. but it's over so quickly and it's never long enough.. At the same time, afterwards I always feel like I've done a work-out. But I'm always relieved as well on the way back in the car.. Thank god, it's over for a week.. Let's see how I get through the next.. And then I try to switch off on the way back in the car.. However I can never stop myself from trying to process all the information straight away. I have to force myself to stop thinking about it, because at that moment I'm too tired to make proper sense of it all. But at the same time, worried that if I stop thinking about it all, that I will forget what she said and that it will be a wasted session (I know that's never the case.. but still.. that's something I will always worry about).. I then debate about whether or not to write on my blog the same evening or the next morning.. The next day I know that I will be able to think clearer. On the other hand, if I wait until the morning, I won't have a proper night sleep.. So it's a "catch 22" situation... This week I decided to wait until the morning.. And I did have a bad night sleep because of it... But I didn't have the energy to write properly last night, and I knew that I would be able to write something worthwhile in the morning..
(well, I hope it's worthwhile.. for me it always is..)

I know there is a lot more than what I have now written, that I took from yesterdays session.. But for now, this is it..I'm beat for now. I know what I have to do, I've gotten my weekly "kick up the backside".. I have new issues that have arisen and slowly I will deal with them.
Diann really is the Irish Dr. Phil..