The Mirror

For the first time in my life, if my memory isn't letting me down, I got a fright when I looked in the mirror.

Last week, it was one of my good days, and I was feeling on top of the world. Inside I felt glorious, I felt like I didn't have a worry in the world. Everything was going be grand, I was loving life.. Until I suddenly spotted myself in the mirror..
I could hear myself thinking: "Oh my god.. Is that me.. How on earth can I feel so great, but look so awful?" It was Fay that was talking to me.
I haven't been able to forget that moment, it seems to have stuck in my mind. I just couldn't figure out how it was possible for these 2 to become so distanced from each.. worlds apart.

Everybody knows those mornings when they have a spring in their step, when they are in a happy mood, and they look in the mirror, and think: "Yeah, I'm looking good today..there's nothing wrong with me". But everybody also knows those days when they hate the world, don't want to go to work, are p*ssed off, and they look in the mirror and think: "O no, can I not just have a face lift right here, right now?".
I have never experienced it otherwise, until last week. And that's also when I knew.. O no, if I'm feeling so "on top of the world" and I cannot bear the look of myself, there really is a lot of work to be done. Inside and out..
Working on both, so hard and so confusing..

Just looking in the mirror can be almost traumatizing..
There is something unnerving about being forced to look at yourself when you are unwilling to come to terms with something. Something raw and real that you cannot run away from. You can lie to yourself, to your mind all the time, but when you look yourself in the face, well, you know that you're lying. I am not OK. That, I did not hide from myself, and the truth of it stared me in the face.

I would like to be able to say that, despite going through this right now, I look exactly the same, a little wore out and tired, but the same. Unfortunately I can't. I have become a totally changed person, compared to a year ago. I seem to have become someone that people would look at and just know is going through bad times.
On the other hand, the mirror also told me this: you can't know EVERYTHING by looking at me. You can never know by looking at someone.

Whenever anybody hears the word: anorexic, they see a certain image. That image is of a girl, just skin and bone.. a large head (because the rest of the body has become so small and fragile, the head obviously doesn't "shrink".. so it seems larger and creates the image of a cartoon character), skinny neck, a slightly arched upper back... It's like "they" all end up looking the same.. Every Anna ends up looking the same. Once upon a time, a healthy person, with a distinguished look, with a full and happy face, looking young and fresh, now just like any other Anna..she has created what she set out to do..mission accomplished.

Once I start to see that the mirror does not lie anymore, then I know I'm on the up. It depends on the day, if the mirror is lying or not.. If it's lying, I'm seeing an elephant, if it's being honest, I'm Anna trying so hard to become Fay.