Moodiness is my middlename

Yesterday was such a tough day..
I don't know why but I struggled BIG TIME..

Look up a the term "sea of emotions" in the dictionary and you will see me. I went from being reasonably okay, to withdrawn and frustrated, to depressed and zoned-out, to angry and I even started to feel aggressive (this didn't last too long..thank god) and then emotional and soppy.
All in the space of around 14 hours. How tired I was once the day ended. I could have, when I was feeling depressed (around 4 and 5 o clock), just gone to bed, just to end the day, to get it over and done with and start a new day in the morning, hoping to feel slightly more human. But I struggled through, trying to figure out why I was feeling so "all over the place".

I think it was because, on Wednesday I was feeling on top of the world. I was so determined and I know I would get better and I would be able to fight Anna. I had all this energy, I did lots (not exercise or anything.. but just "working the brain" doing some little "projects" I'm working on) and kept on going, and thought "because I'm feeling so positive today, I'm going to make the most out of it.. and do as much as possible,to use all my determination to push Anna out".. I hear you thinking "that's great Niamh, well done". But because I pushed myself too far, my brain and head were exhausted yesterday. And I was feeling it. So I paid yesterday big time, for having too good a day on Wednesday.

God, sometimes it's so hard to know what's best to do.

At the moment, my sister Emma and little nephew Aiden are visiting as well. So this adds to the pressure. It's sounds stupid, but I feel like I need to be in a certain mood, because she came over especially to see me. I feel bad and guilty if I'm constantly feeling and therefore acting shitty.. I know, Emma, you don't think like this.. But I can't help it. It's just how I feel.

So today, it's another day, and I can try a different approach. I felt human waking up this morning. Which counts for a lot these days. So I'm pacing myself. I want to go out tonight with my mam and sisters for a drink, and I want to be the "fun" me, and chatty and just have a laugh. So the whole time, I'm telling myself "I need to pace myself". Even though I'm in a normal mood NOW (it's so hard to know if it's going to change.. I have no control over it at all, but the fact that I have become aware of my moodiness is progress compared to 3 or 4 weeks ago), I cannot get carried away. I have to force myself to take a step back, slow down and take it easy throughout the day. Or else that will be it and I'll ruin tonight. I'm going to try and listen to my body, what it's telling me. Even if it's a simple thing as trying to play with Aiden.. Slow down, I can't. Just because I'm feeling good now, doesn't mean it will last.

I'm analyzing my mood so much at moment, because I want to be a bearable to be around. It is tough as well having to deal with more people around me. Yesterday it was tough, because I was feeling so bad. But I can do it, I just need to LISTEN to my body. Right now, it's telling me.. take a nap.. I'm not really into taking naps during the day (it makes me feel lazy and non-productive).. Not really my thing. But maybe I should. I'll see how I feel.

I'm going to try and get through today at a pace that I can take. I don't want to piss Fay off today. If Anna pushes through, then my body will have no energy for me to be in a civil mood for the rest of the day. You see, Fay can tell me that I'm not listening to her, by making my body weak. That's her way of reminding me, that I need to listen to be good to myself and strong and pace myself at the same time. It's okay, for today, well for NOW, I'm listening to you Fay.