I shouldn't take it to heart

I thought that I had gotten over the whole "people thinking I'm fine and not really sick" issue. But I haven't. I don't think I'll be able to let it go. It keeps on bothering me. Some days more so than others..

It just remarks that some people make.. Some people seem to think that I should be out doing things, living a life. Or some people think that the hardest thing for me at the moment, is keeping myself busy.. Well.. I mean, doesn't that just go to show that people will never understand. If the only thing that was bothering me, was keeping myself busy, then I would be delighted. But that isn't an issue, it's not a worry, it's not even relevant. It throws me, when I read remarks like that, even though they aren't meant like that at all.. I know.. But straight away, I feel I need to push myself again.. I instantly tell myself, that I'm not sick, I'm fine, I should be working, I should be living.. there's nothing wrong.. But there is something wrong. I'm not faking this..

It's just that it then hits home again, that nobody will ever understand. I think that might be the thing that gets to me each time. And I try so hard to tell myself that what other people isn't important. But that takes so much effort. It's not like flicking a switch. My family and friends, that are closest to me, mean the world to me. I'm just scared that when people don't understand, that it will always be something that will stand in between.. Okay, everybody can follow my blog if they want, this is my way of communicating things.. so everyone can relate.. But I know it's hard for some people. I don't want it to effect me, that people don't understand me, but it does.. It just makes me feel alone, stupid and irrational. And so sad.

How can I expect people to understand? Because nobody can. I just hate that I push myself again back into the mode of punishing myself, automatically whenever the slightest remark is made in an email or whatever. Because I am punishing whenever I tell myself I'm not ill and that nothing's wrong. I'm just lying to myself..and that's bad..I'm not allowed to.. It's such a battle, and I trying to fight it so much..but I'm not always able. I'm only human. I'm not a machine, I have feelings like everyone else. I don't deserve this battle. I don't deserve to punish myself but I can' help hating myself for putting myself through it.